In this post I’m going to show you exactly how to get your ex boyfriend back if he’s moved on to a new girlfriend.
In fact, this is the exact process that many of my clients who find themselves in this situation have used to get their exes back.
And today you’re going to see how they did it step by step.
So, if you want to,
- Learn how to get an ex back if they moved on to someone new
- Learn about the grass is greener syndrome
- Learn all about rebound relationships
- Understand the role no contact plays during the “moving on” phase
- Use the being there method
- Learn how attachment styles plays a role into the process
- Discover why exes move on so fast
- Conquer the fear that your ex is going to find someone better than you
- Discover the actual signs your ex has moved on to someone new
- Understand the protocol for if your ex breaks up with the other woman and what you should do immediately
- Answer if you should get an ex back who cheated on you with the other woman
- Take a look at real life being there success stories
How To Get An Ex Back If They Move On To A New Girlfriend
I started Ex Boyfriend Recovery back in 2012 and if I’m being honest was terrified any time a client would come to me with a situation where their ex had moved on to someone new.
At the beginning stages of my business I simply didn’t have enough data or experience to properly advise a person in this specific situation.
I’m happy to say that isn’t the case anymore. In fact, I think you can easily make the claim that we are somewhat specialists in handling “the other woman” here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
Truth be told the overall strategy for getting an ex back in this circumstance isn’t all that different from what we teach our general situation clients with the exception of one thing.
We still advise a no contact rule
We still advise a value ladder and value chain
So, if you want the technical approach to getting your ex back in your situation then you should familiarize yourself with the following massive guides I’ve written.
- Read The Ultimate Guide To No Contact Here
- Read The Ultimate Guide On The Value Chain & Value Ladder Here
To the average observer it may seem like there’s no true difference between this situation and the general ones we encounter so often but I can assure you there is a WIDE gap between the two.
Where we innovate here is with the creation of a brand new strategy that we call “The Being There Method.” It’s a strategy that is entirely made for situations where your ex has moved on to someone new.
And IT WORKS…
And I mean it works REALLY WELL!
Now, I don’t want to get into it too much right this second because we will be getting into it BIG TIME later on but I still want to foreshadow what’s to come.
Speaking of which let’s talk about one of the most undervalued aspects of this entire process and that’s grasping the grass is greener syndrome.
The Grass Is Greener Syndrome
I’ve been on record throughout my time on Ex Boyfriend Recovery stating that,
Breakups are nothing more than an admission of an ex that they think they can do better than you.
There is perhaps no better illustration of this concept than the grass is greener syndrome.
So, what is GIGS?
It’s that last part of the definition that people often sweep under a rug and tend to forget.
We’ve seen a lot of knee jerk reactions on both sides of the equation in our time here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
And by knee jerk reactions I’m talking about;
- Exes who break up with you certain that anyone is better than you only to be proven wrong.
- Overreactions by our clients when their ex moves on to someone new
- Overreactions from exes when they realize that their “someone new” can’t compare.
- Oh, and my personal favorite, overreactions when an ex tries to move on to someone new but can’t find anyone.
I think the part of the grass is greener syndrome that’s often not talked about enough is the importance of the honeymoon period.
For reference the honeymoon period refers to a period of time at the beginning of a relationship between two people where everything seems perfect. It’s usually marked with a lot of intimate moments and fun dates.
But it’s a double edged sword because some exes we’ve noticed literally convince themselves that the way they feel during the honeymoon period is “how it should be all the time” and when they realize that, that feeling can’t last forever they blow up their life in more ways than one.
Frantically searching for their next fix.
It’s a little alarming to look at it this way but I find it’s important on a few different levels.
Sometimes it can be a good thing if your ex has the grass is greener syndrome and moves on to someone else.
Ultimately they may think it is the best decision of their life but they are being fooled by the immediate jump in chemicals that arrive within a honeymoon period.
Eventually when things level out the true comparisons between you and the new woman come and if she’s found lacking then that’s where your ex comes to the harsh realization that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side.
Only by moving on to someone new can they find this out for themselves.
But there’s another element that I’m not talking about here and that’s the role rebound relationships play.
Often the first thought many of our clients have when they encounter a situation where their ex has moved on to someone new is that, that “new person” is a rebound relationship.
Rebound relationships are often defined by their function as not being very serious. Simply put, they are a distraction to help one party get over their previous relationship.
I suppose it’s all a matter of intent.
Think of it like this.
If your ex moves on to a new girlfriend and his entire intent is to distract himself from the pain then it is likely that relationship is a rebound.
However, if the intent is to simply find the love of his life then it’s less likely to be a rebound.
But it’s not even that simple.
A few years ago I wrote an article on how to determine if your ex is in a rebound relationship.
Ultimately I highlight two specific signs.
- How Quickly Your Ex Moves On From You
- How Long They Have Been With The New Person
Let’s take a moment and talk about each of these signs.
Sign #1: How Quickly Your Ex Moves On From You
Rebound relationships are often defined by how quickly an ex moves on to the new person.
In fact, in our research we’ve found that a lot of time that bond with the new person forms before they’ve even broken up with you.
Sometimes it will even be a situation where they go back to an ex prior to you.
Either way a definite calling card of a rebound has to do with how quickly they are moving on from you.
Sign #2: How Long They’ve Been With The New Person
In 2018 I filmed a video called, how long your exes rebound relationship will last.
I noticed that there was almost no reputable research out there on the topic. This might have actually changed in the years since but at the time I couldn’t find anything.
So, I did something crazy.
I polled my own private Facebook group, scoured the Internet forums and came up with my own data on how long the average rebound relationship will last.
According to our research the average rebound will last 5.2 months.
This means that if your ex is with their “rebound” for longer than this time it means their relationship is progressing from “rebound” to non rebound territory.
Timing really does matter in determining the rebound label.
Of course there’s still one thing I’d like to peel back the layers on.
What A Rebound Relationship Breakup Looks Like
There are typically four phases to a rebound relationship.
These four phases are essential for you to understand because not only are they important to identify for you but it will help you learn when you need to make your move via the being there method later.
If this doesn’t make sense yet don’t worry I promise it will just hang with me for a little while longer.
So, what are these four phases?
- The Honeymoon Period
- First Cracks Begin To Form
- Fight or Flight
- The Epiphany
Let’s take a moment and dive into each of these.
Phase #1: The Honeymoon Period
An important phase to consider because often times this addictive feeling is what makes a rebound relationship so attractive.
Not only will the honeymoon period allow your ex to distract himself from you but there may be a subtle misunderstanding at play especially if you notice a pattern of him jumping from rebound relationship to rebound relationship.
It may be a case where your ex literally thinks that all relationship are supposed to feel this way until the end of time.
Ultimately what happens in this phase is they are on cloud nine pretty much the entire time.
It also happens to be the absolute worst time to contact your ex.
Phase #2: First Cracks Begin To Form
Your ex and his new girlfriend have their first argument or fight and things aren’t the same.
Slowly but surely he’s beginning to learn the things about the new woman that annoy him.
He isn’t thinking of leaving yet but he’s coming to the slow realization that the honeymoon period isn’t going to be lasting forever and that annoys him.
Phase #3: The Fight Or Flight
So, after the first cracks begin to form your ex will either fight or flight.
And I mean this literally.
They will either choose to stay in the relationship and have it be plagued by multiple fights or they will run away.
They won’t necessarily leave altogether but they’ll retreat inwardly.
We’ve all experienced this when we are with our partner and can tell something is off but they won’t tell us what it is.
Well, that’s this in spades.
Phase #4: Epiphany
They finally confront the truth that they made a mistake with this relationship.
They may even confront the fact that this relationship was nothing more than a distraction from you.
And it really puts them in between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes they’ll stay stagnant terrified of admitting their epiphany to the person they are with.
Other times they’ll just leave without an explanation or simply lie about why they want out of the relationship.
So, now that you know all the basics on if your ex is in a rebound relationship let’s switch gears and talk about the role no contact plays during the moving on phase.
The Role No Contact Plays During The Moving On Phase
As I’ve stated at the beginning of this post, we used to be terrified of situations where clients would come to us with their exes being moved on.
But over time as we learned more and more we learned exactly how to handle this situation.
One of the first insights we had was with the no contact rule. Now, if you haven’t read my massive guide on no contact then I highly recommend you do that.
But simply put the no contact rule is,
A period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you
There are obviously more technical things to consider like if you share children or work together. We’ve come up with a separate type of no contact in that circumstance called limited no contact but let’s not make things complicated.
Instead lets look at what the average person should do.
Generally speaking there are three time frames we recommend with the no contact rule.
- The 21 Day Rule
- The 30 Day Rule
- The 45 Day Rule
Perhaps the biggest thing we learned when studying clients who were in a situation where their ex had moved on was the time frame of a no contact rule.
Initially we believed this didn’t make much of a difference at all.
But we were wrong.
Ultimately if you are in a situation where your ex has moved on you ALWAYS need to choose a longer period of no contact.
In other words, 45 days is what you be choosing.
Remember above when I was talking about the phases of a rebound relationship?
Remember that first phase?
It was the honeymoon period, right?
Well, if you want to get your ex back while he has a new girlfriend then the absolute worst time you can begin that process is while they are in the midst of a honeymoon period with the new person.
Instead, you want to time your first contact with them when they are in that “cracks beginning to form” phase.
They’ll be a lot more interested in responding to you in that case.
Of course, we didn’t come to this conclusion by accident.
One of our coaching clients who was in this situation literally asked me one day, after completing her no contact of 30 days if she could do another 30 days.
Her situation was as bad as it gets.
Not only had her ex left her for another woman but he was literally living with this other woman.
The reasoning for why she wanted to extend her no contact was simple. She didn’t feel ready to talk to him yet.
So, I relented and let her extend her no contact.
After 60 days… which is still too long in my opinion she reached out to her ex and had pretty great results.
Ultimately when we saw the good results with her case we started recommending longer periods of no contact across the board for our clients in these types of situations and saw favorable results.
Once the patter was established that longer no contacts seemed to work really well we started trying to understand why.
Ultimately we think it has to do with those phases I discussed above.
Shorter no contact periods tend to end while your ex is still in the midst of a honeymoon period with the new girl. Therefore he isn’t very favorable to whatever you’re about to say.
Longer no contact periods tend to end while your ex is beginning to notice the new girl isn’t perfect so there a bit more favorable to whatever you have to say.
In other words, longer no contact periods work really well in this situation.
But let’s move on and talk about the most important strategy.
The Being There Method
The being there method is without a doubt the biggest thing we’ve learned with regards to success in this situation.
So, what is it?
The Being There Method: After your no contact rule is completed you insert yourself into the equation with your ex by competing for your exes time with the new girl. Doing this will show off how secure you are and ultimately cause the new girl to self implode.
Here’s the thing about the being there method.
It is definitely morally grey.
I’ll never forget that I was reminded of this fact when I was doing a Facebook Live to our program members a few years ago and a therapist who happened to purchase the program called me out on it saying that it was akin to emotional manipulation.
My response was simple.
I agree… but it works better than anything else.
And oh does it work.
Which admittedly is not necessarily a reason that you should do something but I’ve always considered myself a scientist with this program.
I’m trying to get to the bottom of what works and present that information to you.
So, by effectively being there and inserting yourself into the equation with your ex you can make inroads on getting them back.
What The Being There Method Isn’t
A lot of people will read this and immediately assume that the being there method is cheating or that we are condoning that.
We are absolutely not.
If anything the being there method is closer to friend zoning yourself than it is to cheating.
While you may hope that your ex chooses you over the new girl you aren’t trying to break them up.
You’re simply there to provide contrast.
Here’s what an emotionally secure individual looks like (that’s you.)
Here’s what an emotionally insecure individual looks like (the other woman.)
If you do your job right your ex will begin to realize that their new girl isn’t on your level and regret will begin to kick in.
Where The Being There Method Fits Into The Value Ladder And Value Chain
Take a moment and look at the graphic below;
In it I basically talk about the “general strategy” for getting an ex back.
I introduce the concept of a value ladder,
- Phone Calls
And I introduce the concept of a value chain,
- Small Talk
- Telling Stories
- Sharing Opinions
- Virgin Ground
- Sharing Feelings
Essentially the conversation mediums (value ladder) and the conversation types (value chain).
How does the being there method impact these ideas?
It’s a good question and one that warrants a good answer because without a doubt it will impact how you approach these strategies.
The important thing to remember is that the goal is never to overstep your boundaries.
Let’s take a look at the value ladder first.
The Value Ladder Alterations
The value ladder is defined by the different mediums where you can have conversations.
- Phone Calls
- Romantic Dates
The theory is that you are supposed to build maximum value through each rung of the ladder before you move to the next one.
Technically speaking is that the only thing that’s different when you implement the being there method is that you can’t advance to that final stage in romantic dates.
But you can do everything else, including meetups.
Yes, when the time comes you are allowed to see your ex in person but you aren’t allow things to progress to a romantic level until they’ve broken up with the person they are with.
Of course sometimes exes don’t like to play by the rules.
One of the common things we’ve noticed over the years is that when you “meet up” with your ex they like to turn things romantic really fast.
In other words, they’ll try to cheat on their current girlfriend and kiss you.
What Happens If Your Ex Tries To Kiss You During The Meetup Phase?
So, when you are in person with your ex we believe that light touches of the arm are ok.
But if they try to kiss you then you simply need to gently pull away and say,
“We shouldn’t be doing this right now.”
Two things happen if you are able to pull this off exactly how I suggest.
First, notice you didn’t outright deny them. They’ll look at it like a denial no doubt but the fact that you say, “right now,” insinuates that there will be a time in the future that the two of you will be able to kiss again.
That little insinuation can be enough to keep them on the hook and that’s what we want.
The second thing that will happen is the ziegarnik effect will get triggered.
If you don’t know what the ziegarnik effect is then I suggest you watch this.
Basically people remember incomplete or interrupted tasks better than completed ones.
The fact that you interrupted this kiss can actually make them want to kiss you more.
The beauty is that you’ve pulled your ex closer to the finish line and held on to your dignity all the while.
The Value Chain Alterations
For reference, the value chain is comprised of the types of conversations you’ll be having with your ex.
- Small Talk
- Telling Stories
- Sharing Opinions
- Virgin Ground
- Sharing Feelings
There’s only one big alteration here. You’re allowed to have four and a half types of conversations.
You can only share “half” of your feelings.
What do I mean by that?
Well, with the being there method you want basic level flirting.
Which is usually comprised of the witty banter, the back and forth, the compliments, etc.
But that’s as far as you want to take it.
Of course, this leads to the inevitable question of what if your ex is with the new person and despite that they say, “I miss you.” to you?
In that case you simply say “I miss you too.” But if this escalates to “I love you” then you should probably say, “This isn’t a conversation we should be having right now.”
Ensure that you set that boundary.
You aren’t giving them the good stuff like saying, “I love you too” until they fully commit to you.
Speaking of not fully committing?
What Do You Do If Your Ex Won’t Stop Talking About The New Girl In Your Presence?
The first thing you should always do is not panic.
Don’t ask any followup questions about her or even entertain that idea.
Instead, ask a question to your ex specifically to move on to a new topic.
What Do You Do If The New Girl Orders Your Ex To Block You Forever?
The first thing you should do is celebrate.
I’m actually serious.
If your exes new girlfriend is taking this drastic of a step then that means the being there method definitely is working.
The next thing you need to do is stay really calm, and if it’s by text, ask your ex,
“Well, what do you think about that?”
It needs to be an open-ended fashion to invite a conversation.
They’ll say whatever they’re going to say, and then I think you need to say what you think,
“We’re just friends, so I think it’s a little weird for the new person to ask that.”
And then assuming also that in the being there method, you are dating other people, you could say,
“I’m dating other people and they have no problem with me being friends with you.”
Then say the final killer thing,
“I think it’s pretty interesting that your new person has an issue with this when mine new person doesn’t.”
But then then you can say follow it up with,
“But if it makes you feel better to communicate a little bit less so that it makes your new person feel more secure, we can do that for a while.”
By approaching the situation this way you’ll be able to subtly point out how unhinged the new person is becoming while also compromising and taking a small break from talking to each other.
Then after that small break is over guess what… just slowly go back to normal.
Why Do Exes Tend To Move On So Fast?
Here’s a question that you probably haven’t considered.
Why is it that exes tend to move on so fast after a breakup?
What’s going on here?
Why are they acting this way?
The important thing to remember here is that with breakups your personal internal narrative isn’t usually accurate.
More often than not it’s nothing that you’ve done wrong it’s more about them feeling they can do better than you.
In other words, the grass is greener syndrome plays a huge role in their decision to move on quickly from you.
But I’ve been actually studying these type of rebound relationships for quite a bit and I have a slightly different take than almost everyone.
The quicker your ex moves on to someone new can have some benefits for them.
The latest research in the field on rebound relationships is increasingly pointing to,
- A boost in confidence
- A way to help cope with the pain of a breakup
- A way to become more adventurous
So, in an odd way your ex moving on to someone new quickly can actually help them get over you faster which adds a difficult complication in the equation.
Luckily this is something we’ve already taken into account with the being there method.
It’s designed to give your ex enough time to feel like you’re over them but at the same time be present enough so that they can’t ever forget you.
What you really want are the comparisons between the new girl and you to begin.
Speaking of which.
The Fear That Your Ex Will Find Someone Better Than You
When your ex boyfriend moves on to someone new it’s impossible not to compare yourself to the new girl.
Usually this goes one of two ways.
You feel extremely threatened and more depressed.
You point out all the similarities between the new girl to you and think that he’s replaced you with someone who is exactly like you.
In all that nagging fear that he’s upgraded to someone better is hard to quell.
In some cases you’ll be so terrified that him and the new girl are sleeping together that you can’t concentrate.
Ok, so I want to tell you a story and it involves yours truly.
About 12 years ago I began dating this girl who we will call Kelsey (that’s not her real name obviously but just go with it.)
I was smitten with this girl and I’m pretty sure she was smitten with me.
The first few months of the relationship were fantastic.
Pure honeymoon period puppy love.
But like all good things that honeymoon period came to an end and it came to an end in the most typical way.
Our first real fight.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
We were texting and she mentioned that she was hanging out with her friends. This soon evolved into a sleepover. She mentioned it so casually that I didn’t think anything of it.
My assumption was that she was going to be staying at her friends house but her guilty conscious must have taken over at some point because she mentioned that her and her friends were actually going to be sleeping over at Dereks house.
Who the he** is Derek?
Well, it turns out that Derek was a popular kid at school and one that my girlfriend at the time had a HUGE crush on before she met me.
I didn’t know this until later.
As you can imagine I wasn’t exactly thrilled with this news.
My mind went to some really dark places and we got into our first real fight.
Eventually I was calmed after there were assurances that she wasn’t alone. She was amongst a group of about five girls who went over to this house to hang with Dereks sister.
But why mention Derek at all?
It was downhill from there.
That one experience of her sleeping over that guys house even though it was technically innocent polluted the rest of the relationship and made me extremely insecure that she was going to cheat on me.
What’s worse is that I began asking around about this Derek fellow and everyone was telling me that my girlfriend was always flirting with him.
I confront her about this.
She denies it completely but does acknowledge that before she met me she did have a crush on Derek and that he denied her. Now they are just friends and text occasionally.
I tried to be cool…
But it was impossible. I would pick fights with her to pick fights with her all because of this insecurity I had with Derek.
Eventually it escalated to the point that I just broke up with her.
And then the silence occurred.
It was a kind of self imposed no contact rule before I had even learned what no contact was.
I did a lot of soul searching and basically determined I was just going to move on with my life.
Maybe a month after I broke up with her I got a Facebook notification that my ex girlfriend, Kelsey, was in a relationship with none other than….. Derek.
It disgusted me and verified that my intuition was right all along.
I just focused on myself.
I didn’t post very much but I got really into working out. I felt that if I could outrun my romance demons it would be a healthy outlet for me.
I made new friends and cultivated relationships with old ones.
At the three month mark I felt pretty happy.
And then the call came…. BUT NOT TO ME!
I was over at my buddies house watching a UFC at a party when he suddenly had to step out of the room. He was a bit of a ladies man so I figured he was just talking to his latest conquest. He was gone for an hour but when he came back he called me over to meet him outside of the noise of the party.
“Dude… you’re not going to believe who just called me.”
“Kelsey… she was crying on the phone because her new boyfriend is treating her so poorly. She can’t stop thinking about how well you treated her in the relationship and all of the things you’re doing without her and she sounds like she is regretting her decision. She didn’t say it outright but she sounds like she regrets not fighting for you.”
I believe it was Frank Sinatra who said that the best revenge in life is massive success and that’s what I think happened in this case.
I’m going to get philosophical here for a moment but imagine if reincarnation exists as a punishment for us. We’re forced to live our lives over and over again in a perpetual cycle until we can do things the right way.
Until we can live our lives as close to perfect as we possibly can.
Only then are we allowed peace.
If you treat your relationships that way and your breakup recovery that way then I can assure you that when the natural comparisons begin to get made between the new girl and you then you’ll have a similar experience to the one I just detailed you from my life.
But what if you aren’t sure that your exes “new girl” is someone new?
Actual Signs Your Ex Is Dating Someone New
Generally speaking there are four signs I tell my clients to keep an eye out for on if they have moved on to someone new.
- Social Media Update
- They Actually Tell You
- The Sphere Of Influence Tells You
- They Had The New Person Lined Up Already
I’m going to take a minute and flesh each of these signs out so we are on the same page.
Sign #1: They Update Their Social Media
I started Ex Boyfriend Recovery literally about ten years ago now and what has fascinated me is how the dating trends have changed in that time when it comes to social media.
When I started out there was only one thing that you had to take into account, Facebook.
Ten years later Facebook is still a thing but there’s all these other platforms you need to account for,
- Tik Tok
It’s getting crowded in the social media space but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad thing.
One of the very best ways to determine if your ex is dating someone new is to simply keep an eye on their social media status updates, photos and stories.
If you see them hanging around a new girl more than often there’s a pretty good chance there’s an attraction there.
Sign #2: They Actually Tell You
Usually they won’t do this directly with one notable exception (which I’ll talk about in a moment.)
I don’t know about you but whenever I’ve gone through a breakup and moved on to someone new the last person I told was my ex.
In fact, I never consulted with my ex.
Usually they find out by spying on my social media accounts so technically I told them through indirect means.
We see this happen a lot so that’s why it’s important to keep your ear to the ground.
There is one notable exception to this rule though and that’s if you’ve managed to pi** your ex off.
Usually if the two of you get into a fight through text or even in person they’ll blurt the news out to you to hurt you.
“Oh ya… well I don’t even care about you anymore. I’VE MOVED ON!”
Stuff like that.
Sign #3: The Sphere Of Influence
I’ve talked a lot about the sphere of influence throughout my time here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery but unfortunately it’s always one of those concepts that seems to get lost on the average reader.
It’s criminally underrated because of how the sphere of influence tends to be in our success stories.
Basically the SOI is comprised of the people your ex surrounds themselves with whose opinions he truly cares about.
Usually this ends up being,
- Close friends
- Close family members
- Work Colleagues
I don’t want to overly complicate this because technically your ex has different sphere of influences based on different aspects of his life.
He’ll have a sphere of influence that is for his romantic relationships.
He’ll have one for his career.
One for working out.
It’s kind of like finding your own person Yoda for all these areas of your life but I’m getting way off topic here.
More often than not the sphere of influence is going to be invaluable for you in finding out if your ex has moved on to someone new.
Yours and his.
If human beings are good for one thing it’s gossip.
Sign #4: They Had The New Person Lined Up When You Were Dating
This is something that no one ever really talks about and it always astounds me because I’ve seen it so consistently in my decade of work.
A lot of the situations we encounter go this way.
Usually when the relationship with your ex isn’t going well they seek solace in someone else.
Sometimes that means they full on cheat and sometimes that means they just rely on another emotionally.
When the breakup occurs they often jump into a relationship with that person.
It’s awful, right?
Well, I’ve not technically done a poll on it to verify my hypothesis but I think this is how a lot of the “moving on” occurs because if you really think about it your ex probably doesn’t think they can do better than you until they meet this new person and feel these new things.
When that happens it almost corrupts their mind with thoughts of leaving you because they believe there is a better alternative out there than you.
Of course they don’t shout this from the rooftops because they believe if they do you won’t be able to handle it.
If the situation I just outlined sounds eerily familiar to you then there is a good bet at the very least there is an attraction between your ex and this other alternative.
Avoidant Attachment Style And Moving On
Here’s where things get really interesting.
A few months ago I filmed this beauty,
Essentially the video puts forth certain assertions about avoidant attachment style exes.
Of course, before I cover those assertions I should probably cover attachment styles.
There are four main attachment styles (technically there’s more but we are just sticking to basics today.)
- Secure: Basically comfortable with intimacy and have supreme fortitude in dealing with loss. They allow themselves to grieve but know they’ll be ok and heal in the end.
- Anxious: Their whole identity is found in relationships. They are the most likely to exhibit emotional tendencies and seek constant reassurance.
- Avoidant: They crave intimacy but value their independence so highly that when they feel it is becoming threatened they’ll react negatively.
- Fearful: Essentially it’s a combination of both anxious and avoidant styles.
Here’s the important thing to remember. We have found that the vast majority of our clients seem to exhibit anxious tendencies and their exes seem to exhibit avoidant tendencies.
Which means there is a pretty good chance that your ex has an avoidant attachment style.
Men with this type of attachment style process the world differently than you do and that’s important to understand right off the bat.
Here’s what we’ve learned.
If your ex has an avoidant attachment style then they aren’t going to miss you until they feel you have moved on and there’s no chance of a reconnection. Once this occurs then they give themselves permission to begin romanticizing the past.
Well, if we operate under the assumption that your ex is indeed an avoidant AND they’ve moved on to someone else it adds a lot of complication into the equation.
So, here’s what tends to happen.
It’s literally not until that new person begins to threaten their independence that they begin to look back on your time together fondly.
If you time your “reach out” right then you can hit them at the exact right time to get your best chance of a positive response.
This is one of the reasons that we’ve found longer periods of no contact tend to work better than shorter ones.
It helps you time the exact right moment to reach out.
Does It Mean Anything If They Talk To Me When They Are Dating Someone New?
But how do you know if what you’re doing is working?
Well, that’s where this section comes into play. One of the most prevalent questions we tend to get from people who find themselves in this situation is, does it mean anything if my ex talks to me when they are dating someone new?
The answer to this is a bit complicated.
Researchers have found a link between satisfaction in a current relationship and how often you communicate with your ex.
In other words, if your ex is constantly talking to you when they are with someone else then it is a small indication into how happy they are in that relationship.
If they don’t talk to you at all then that usually means they are pretty happy.
If they talk to you a lot then that means there might be some friction with that current relationship.
I would like to take this a step further and say that what they are talking to you about matters as well.
After all, not all conversations are created equally. So, if your ex is talking to you to be nice then that isn’t the same as talking to you like a romantic interest.
How do you tell the difference?
Length of conversation.
Usually someone who is texting just to be nice won’t stay in a conversation very long. For them it truly is a feeling of, “I want to get through this” and that’s reflected with the conversation.
Someone who is actually interested in talking to you will actually be talking to you for longer periods of time.
Let’s move on and talk about the correct protocol for when (I’m a positive thinker) your ex breaks up with the new woman.
If Your Ex Breaks Up With “The Other Woman” Should You Move Right Away Or Wait?
Your ex boyfriend broke up with his new girlfriend… what now?
What are you supposed to do?
Are you supposed to jump in and try to get your ex back immediately or give your ex some time to breathe?
My thoughts on this have evolved over the years.
I used to think that you should give your ex time to let the emotions settle but the more experience I got with regards to what actually works true success doesn’t work in this way.
Think about the setup I’ve outlined for you in this article.
The being there method is cultivated on the fact that you are re-establishing connection with your ex. Usually with that re-establishment comes feelings.
Most of the time we are seeing exes break up with the other woman because they want to come back to you.
In this case does it make sense to hit the pause button?
Now, that’s not to say that your ex doesn’t need some time to consider their feelings about everything.
Just not like months.
Let’s move on and talk about one of the most difficult situations you can find yourself in morally.
Should You Try To Get An Ex Back Who Cheats On You?
Determining whether you should get an ex back who cheated on you AND moved on to that woman is always a tricky thing.
A part of me wants to say RUN but the other part of me believes in second chances.
Coincidentally I don’t believe in third chances and that’s the approach I think I would take if I was you if your ex cheated on you.
Perhaps the biggest mistake I see people making in this circumstance is not leveraging the situation correctly.
What do I mean by that?
If your ex cheated on you then THEY should be trying to get you back not the other way around.
The being there method takes this all into account but I think it’s very important that they are the ones who ask for you back.
Also, I’m not going to lie to you. Based on our own internal research (and common sense) if your ex has cheated on you multiple times in the past then you’re better off steering clear of them forever.
It’s unlikely that they’ve turned over a new leaf if they already have a long history of cheating on you.
Proceed with caution.
Actual Success Stories Where An Ex Moved On And Our Client Got Them Back
I’d like to end this massive article by featuring one of my favorite success stories, Bethany.
She’s one of my all time favorite success stories because of how difficult her situation was and how she had to use some pretty unique to see success.
Here’s what she ended up encountering;
- Her ex broke up with her for a new girl
- He moved in with the new girl
- He did this while she was pregnant
So, we have like a combination of three of the worst case scenarios.
Bethany was seven months pregnant thinking she’s going to have this happy family and then BOOM.
He breaks up with her and immediately moves on to this new girl.
A few days later she finds out that he’s not just moving on with this new girl he’s moving in with her too.
Seems like an impossible situation, right?
So how was she able to get him back?
Well, I interviewed her for almost 40 minutes and asked her.
Here’s how she did it.
- She watched my 11 factors of love Facebook Live
- She implemented the being there method
- She used her no contact wisely
- She coached with our head coach, Anna
- She relied on our battle buddies system in our private Facebook group
- She moved on to someone else
So, there’s a lot going on here so let’s dissect.
I don’t want to be derivative so I’m not going to rehash things I’ve already talked about but I will talk about some of the things I haven’t talked about that she did.
Specifically the 11 factors of love, the battle buddies and coach Anna.
So, what are the 11 factors of love?
Basically on a whim in our private Facebook group I recorded this Facebook Live where I talk about love and what factors tend to create it.
I’ve since recorded a similar talk on my YouTube channel,
So Bethany basically took these to heart and by her own admission sat down and literally thought to herself,
“Where am I lacking? What can I do better?”
She also coached with our head coach here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery, Anna.
So between that and relying on our battle buddy system she had a lot of extra support.
Battle buddies is something we only do for our program members.
Essentially we try to match you up with someone who has a similar situation to you so that you guys can support each other.
Bethany obviously used this for emotional support when times got hard.
Obviously coaching with Anna helped as well.
I guess the point that Bethany is driving home here is that you can’t do this alone.
You can try but having a support system around you is always better than trying it by yourself.
Luckily, Ex Boyfriend Recovery can be that support system.