By Chris Seiter

Updated on March 8th, 2021

One of the most difficult/annoying situations to be in is one where you start seeing some incredible progress with your ex.

  • You have him responding to your text messages.
  • He’s the one reaching out via phone calls.
  • Heck, he even tells you that he still loves you.

However, despite all this amazing progress you can’t seem to get him to take that crucial next step of admitting that the two of you are official again.

In other words, you can’t get him to commit. Part of you probably wonders if he still cares about you if he won’t commit.

Such was the case with Vanessa, a woman who left a voicemail on my SpeakPipe page. It seemed that no matter how hard she tried she just couldn’t get her ex to take that extra step and commit. To make matters worse she is caught between a rock and a hard place as she has taken a job out of the country which could be causing her ex to not want to commit.

So, how can she make him commit to her?

But before we dive in to that I have a bit of a favor to ask,

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How Vanessa Can Make Her Ex Commit To Her

You’ll notice in the episode I gave Vanessa a very clear and detailed game plan about how she can make her ex commit to her but a lot of the things I recommend to her are universal in the fact that when the time comes you can apply them to your own ex.

I’d like to take a look at those things now,

Getting a man commit to you really revolves around two main factors

  1. Investment
  2. Reassurance In Moderation

Now, investment can come in many shapes or forms but generally when I am talking about investment I am talking about things like,

  • Emotional Investment
  • Physical Investment

If you can get your ex investing a lot of time into you the more he is going to want to lock you down.

The other thing that you need to take a look at is the reassurance part.

Sometimes your ex boyfriend will say or do certain things to test the waters to see if you are ok with the idea of getting back into a relationship. It’s important to not forget that while you may be frightened of rejection, he is too!

If you notice him doing or saying things that are indicative of him testing the waters then I’d recommend you to reassure him but don’t get into a habit of doing it. Make sure you do it in moderation.

Interview Transcript

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20 thoughts on “My Ex Boyfriend Won’t Commit To Me”

  1. Gabrielle

    April 8, 2018 at 8:05 am

    Been watching your YouTube channels for many months now, but I feel I need more help in my situation,
    My ex broke up with me back in January , it was almost like he turned into the person I didn’t know anymore, I kept reaching out to him but that backfired terribly every time , I tried no contact then after 2 weeks back in February he reached out to me saying he misses me and wants to take me for dinner etc so then we met up had a lovely meal, then I thought this is it he wants me back but I think he might of felt differently, he just panicked thought that he lost me but when reached out to him after the meal it would go back to backfiring and back to square one I go, then over February TIL now we’ve been texting and meeting up etc, but I’m confused why he doesn’t want to commit , he just says he enjoys my company , he doesn’t really like to met if I’m the one asking to met , so I would say it’s quite one sided in that sense, he said he’ll always love me , but why does he want to hang out and not commit, I want him back , I do feel he’s the one but I feel from him that he doesn’t even get emotional from this one bit. If you could help me out in how to get him back, I love him to much to mutually say let’s be friends, but even if we don’t work out I don’t want to not have him in my life, but then how would I move on , I’m a 22 year old girl been dating since we were 18 , maybe we have just changed as people?
    I just want him to commit
    Many thanks

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 10, 2018 at 4:02 am

      You’ve been watching my YouTube Channel?

      Seriously?!? I appreciate that so much. I’m actually thinking of starting over on a different account.

      Anyways, I am going to give you a grain of wisdom that I’ve learned in my half decade of helping people through breakups.

      You have to be willing to lose the guy to get the guy.

      If you can’t convince yourself of that then you’ll most likely end up losing.

  2. Rania

    October 23, 2017 at 10:10 am

    Hi ex boyfriend recovery team, I need your help as I am in a very bad situation
    I was engaged to a great person who was emotionally available and each day tells me that he loves me and wants to marry me. But I was actually the one who is not sure at all about marriage as I was in a relationship before this one and I tried to get over it but couldn’t . although he was really great handsome and wants to make me happy all the time.

    We stayed 2.5 years engaged trying to find a solution but eventually I broke up with him 11 days before marriage .
    He stayed in contact with me after breakup and then after a year in contact suddenly he decided to get engaged with another girl and he engaged her for one year and then he broke up with her.
    During his engagement he kept asking about me and kept in contact with my friends and family
    I moved to another town during this period for work in a good organization.
    After he break up with his fiancée, he contacted me again in 2014 and at this time, I was emotionally available as I was healed .
    But the problem is that he became emotionally unavailable and each time I open the talk about marriage he freak out and refuses the idea and breakup with me.
    we stayed on and off for 3 years now but he is not emotionally available and cannot give himself emotionally to me . he also had some other short relations in the separation time with me.
    It became a very long relationship as I gave and get nothing in return and i got very weak and afraid of losing him.
    each time we come back he tries to keep me distant like an option and can give no promises
    Lately we got back together and stayed for 4 months. He was great .we were going out sharing food and he brought some gifts and did some great things there was a development comparing to previous times
    I felt that it is the time to raise the issue that I want to take our relation to the next stage , he didn’t answer and he postponed talking in this subject
    I stayed for another month an
    d I asked him about marriage but he was really scared and tough and refused
    he said that he is not sure that he wants to marry in general or not, and he is not sure that he wants to marry me and he cannot take the responsibility of making me wait again and he said that if i want to stay with him we can stay with no commitment just like friends and he said that he doesn’t want to promise me any thing he can’t do in this time
    i was shocked , how he became like that after the great love in the engagement time
    i feel guilty towards him to cause this hurt and now i can’t do any thing
    The problem is that I am 39 and he is 5 years younger. He is 34 years old
    I love him
    Is there any hope in this case or any solution ?
    Please advise
    Ps. I am from Egypt , please excuse my bad English Sir

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 24, 2017 at 5:22 pm

      Hi Rania,

      So right now, are you broken up? Because if yes, start the no contact rule of at least 30 days

  3. cami

    August 5, 2017 at 5:05 am

    I understand we are different but I am a 22 year old female turning 23 end of the year and is in love with this man. I am middle eastern and was born in New Zealand but the culture isn’t an issue… we have been friends since December 2015 and got close then stopped and mainly just saw each other at clubs and kissed but never had sex… then he had on and off’s with the girl he was seeing but he wasn’t faithful to her because he wasn’t feeling the girl.. but then we got close around april when I told him I liked him and he wasn’t sure about us.. didn’t really like me like that and his friend even told him if you don’t know you want something don’t be a dickhead and lead her on.. but obviously he said things turned out well.. so from mid april to 1st of august the story ended.. he asked me to be his girlfriend July 12th.. the issue is:

    Him suddenly being cold on Saturday after he went out on Friday night and didn’t message me for 7-8 hours right… I get that’s who he is and I don’t know why I let my friend get into my head that he doesn’t care… so i confronted him about it on Saturday morning and he obviously felt cold “but you know me cammi… you knew I was like this? do you need constant messaging? 24/7?” I SAID NO… I do not.. just 1 or 2 and yeah after that I guess he thought wow she keeps needing reassurance and doubting me…? so got put off? I apologised and said I was sorry… i know who he is and shouldn’t let other people get into my head.. he said it’s fine dont’ stress and we’re all good.. then yeah the coldness.. calling from 3-4 times a day to barely 1.. replying really late… the old Kiros was coming back.

    That’s the issue so I called him monday asking if we were fine and he said yeah.. I said babe if there is anything wrong you can tell me and i can work on us .. or the situation? Anyway fast forward to Tuesday night.. he calls me at 10pm after not messaging me from 2:40 pm that day.. and asked what I was doing and how I was doing and I said same same.. and then he wanted to come see me… I live 30-35 minutes from me (can’t drive either) so he saw me.. tried to be all cuddly.. “come over here on this side” but i was being an idiot and was annoyed due to the coldness and aloofness. Then we talked about my brother’s new girlfriend and how he knew her before … they caught up on two dates.. she liked him and was persistence but then gave up because he wasn’t that attracted. (With me… there is a lot of sexual attraction) So they did stuff but not sleep with each other and he got tired and dropped her home.. anyway we agreed to not tell my brother about it and i said what does that mean for us? he said I don’t know… then mentioned..
    how he has been cold and how his heart hasn’t been 100% into it anymore.. that’s why he think’s he can’t cater to a relationship… doesn’t want to be in one because before he got in one he said “I don’t even know what a relationship was” (he hasn’t had many serious relationships.. I am probably the first) So obviously something he said nothing you did or could’ve done more cammi… it’s just me. I started crying a lot and he was just hugging me and holding me tight.. kissing my head and was so upset. I asked for a second chance he said “what’s the point … I know myself.. ” i kept asking for a second chance until I cried for so long and he said “okay im here, I got you… we’ll try it out..” so then I kiss him.. and yeah the next day we didn’t text but his friend messaged me and sent his “condolences” and i got really upset and paranoid thinking.. he said he would give us a shot? then Kiros called me and said i don’t know babe… let’s say I give us a chance.. it’s not fair if it’s just a temporary fix? I know myself.. I have my plate so full this semester.. final one then I graduate.. Have to help parents with mortgage and work.. barely have time for the boys how can I put you through that? How can I give you 20-50% when you deserve 100%.. I don’t do wishy washy… Im either fully into it or not.. obviously I cried again ( I couldn’t help it..) and yeah we talked I asked if I could see him for the last time on Saturday so tomorrow hopefully I can because he agreed..

    He told his friend it was the hardest thing he had to do in his life.. and how he sounded sad on the phone to him.. and my friend also said “give her a chance..she loves you, ( oh yeah.. i told him how I haven’t been this happy in a while and he makes everything feel right.. how I didn’t think I’d fall for someone like him but I did .. so yeah he knows the love is real on my half.. he wasn’t put off by it just kept hugging me tight.. ) you won’t find someone with cammi’s patience and care and he said “ill go see and talk to her… ” so apparently he could be still thinking about us.. but i’ve given him space.. he has an exam next friday so for him that is key.. it’s just so out of the blue.. if he can fall out he can fall back in again? if he’s had on and off’s with his past girls before.. why can’t he with me when ours was the strongest he’s ever felt towards a girl and really gave it his all! All his friends love me and met me.. he told his sister about me when she visited from Brisbane and his parent’s knew he was happy seeing a girl. He wanted me to sleepover and meet them… his best friend said “I like this girl.. she’s changing you for the better… she’s opening you up ” and he told me ” it’s funny how a guy scared of commitment can finally be happy in one!” I said maybe because you found the right person.. and he said yeah think that’s it. So imagine how confused and heartbroken I am.. no other girl was as persistence with him.. he said i don’t like when girls chase me but you were different.. I can’t believe I didn’t give this a chance last year.. Im glad I have you and you’re my girl.. only mine.

    He told his friend that told me… he might regret this in a months time but this semester will be full on with his studies and how he can’t do casual because it will lead me on and my feelings will grow and hurt me more. He cares about me too much to do that.. his other past girls he didn’t care about their feelings to take into consideration.. with me he did… But i said I am fine with seeing him whenever and talking less.. a low maintenance kind of thing and he said “that’s not fair on you… why would I put you through that … I can’t bear to see you cry or hurt again..Im not ready for a relationship.. not just with you with anyone.. no one can be with me.. I don’t deserve you cammi.. you’re the most caring, kind hearted person I’ve ever met.. just amazing.. ”

    He literally went from ” I can’t stop thinking about you… never had a girl occupy my mind the way you have.. to if I don’t reply for hours or call it’s fine… to if I don’t see you all the time..” Im really shocked.. only happened after a span of 5 days I think he said..?

    I know from his friend that he felt suffocated and that he lost his freedom and the ideology of my love was too much that he couldn’t reciprocate… and how he has no time for himself… Yes after I see him tonight I will try NC period… and yeah.. it’s weird because we were friends for almost 2 years 🙁

    1. cami

      August 5, 2017 at 5:08 am

      he said he would always pick up or message back… no hard feelings like that… he was worried that I was not active social media but yeah… he is very attracted to me, the banter and rapport is amazing but when i said “you do know you can have a relationship while having space and freedom?” he was shocked?.. “really? can you though?” i said of course.. he seemed intrigued so I don’t know.. need to show him he can have that while being with me.. and for me to be less clingy and demanding..

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 6, 2017 at 7:07 pm

      You already said the answer.. He doesn’t feel that it can happen with you because you act clingy..

  4. Lola

    June 18, 2017 at 5:59 pm

    Hi ex boyfriend recovery team! I am currently desperate for help! My ex and I have been together for a year and a half. We were living together since last july. I was his first real long term girlfriend and he his 23 and I am 26. He started saying in March that he was not happy and that he was’nt sure if living together was the best idea. He wanted to find an apartment but still be with me in a relationship. I told him that for me it was a no no. He decided to stay but was always on and off with his feelings. In April I left the apartment and went to live at my mom’s house for a few weeks. I made the lease changed and told him that he had to leave for the first of June. I did no contact for 3 weeks but everytime he was trying to contact me I was telling him that I needed time for myself. I saw that he posted on facebook that he had booked a ticket for his vacation and it made me really sad. I deleted him from my relationship status on FB. I also unfriended him. When he came to give me my apartment keys he seemed really upset and said that it was’nt true that he loved me after all. But he did’nt say sorry or I want to get back with you. He hugged me and kissed me before leaving. He texted me right after saying that he wanted to have sex with me and I said no that he had to date me first. He seemed upset and told me he did’nt sleep with anyone since the breakup. A week after I screwed up and had sex with him. He left right after saying that he had to bring his parents car back. I havent heard from him since except for a few things related to our phone bills. I screwed up again last night when I drunk texted him for sex. He answered right away saying no thanks lol. I was so mad I told him to go back to his ugly old dates. I amso sad and I love him dearly. What should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 21, 2017 at 3:36 pm

      Restart the nc and do at least 30 days, and then don’t sleep with him again.

  5. M L

    June 12, 2017 at 11:34 am

    My situation is really similar to this, so this is helpful. But what exactly counts as physical investment? We shouldn’t let them get physical before committing, right?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 14, 2017 at 10:40 am

      Physical investment, showing up or letting him or call over time or ask for help with some things