Alright Vanessa, thank you so, so much for taking the time to ask that question. Hopefully, I can give you an answer but just to recap.
So, I have a full understanding and for all the people who are listening to have a full understanding. It seems like you are actually doing pretty well. You look like you were about to move in together because you’re a long distance relationship, which I can actually raise my hand there because I have personally been in a long distance relationship before.
They suck. But then almost all of break ups, it came out of the blue. He broke up with you, and immediately after you must have done some reading and you learned about the no contact rule and you did it and it seems it went really well.
He reached out to you several times.
Things went well after your no contact `rule was completed and you texted him. He was `responding,`He admitted that he still cares for you, he loves you so much, blah blah blah.
We know how that all goes but then you mentioned, or he rather found out through Instagram that you had actually taken a job out of the country and it kind of made him back off a little bit and he kind of elaborated a little bit more about why he broke up with you.
Now tell me listeners if you’re listening to this and you’re going through a break ups, tell me if this sounds familiar because I cannot tell you how often I hear this on our private support group.
So, Vanessa, you are not the only person who’s had an ex boyfriend say,
“Oh, I broke up with you so you could become happy.” or “I just need to figure out what’s going on in my life. I feel so depressed but at the same time, I love you and I want you back.”
Wow, I can’t tell you how often our private support group, I have seen men use that excuse and often times when I hear a man using that excuse, I just kind of roll my eyes and think BS. I do not buy that one bit.
Often times, people are not going to do things, specifically men, when it comes to relationships, they’re not going to do things that they don’t thing are in their favor.
So, with that in mind, let’s get into answering your question. I think your question more revolves around.
“Chris, I kind of got him back but he wont like commit to me.”
That’s kind of where you are right now.
You’ve pretty much got him back, he’s admitted that he wants you back. He’s admitted that he still cares for you and loves you and all that mumbo jumbo but how can you get him to take that extra step and commit to you?
Its such a difficult question because so many women have such trouble around it. I got a bit of good news and a bit of bad news. Now, if you’re anything like me, you want the bad news out of the way first. So, here is the bad news.
I think your ex is actually a bit of a commitment phobe and here’s where I’m basing that off of.
You are in a long distance relationship, so commitment phobes generally dont mind long distance relationships because there’s kind of no strings attached, you’re out of sight out of mind. And addition to that, he broke up with you, right as you were about to move in together.
So, what does this tell us?
It tells us that he was more a bit comfortable with you being in a long distance relationship and maybe seeing each other once or twice a month or however many times a month you saw each other where it’s super exciting and electric and the chemistry is just off the charts but when push came to shove, when time came to move in together or be closer together, he backed up and broke up with you.
So, that is what I’m sort of basing the commitment phobic nature and if you want to go a little bit deeper Vanessa, I also think your ex is a commitment phobe simply because he’s admitting that he loves and he cares for you and he even wants you back and he wants you to work things out but he wont actually commit to you. It’s the sort of the carrot and stick method.
You know, he’s saying, “Hey, look, you know I love you but I”m not going to commit to you.” It’s sort of that kind of thing and that’s really annoying.
So, that’s the bad news Vanessa.
Here’s the good news though.
The fact that you were in a long distance relationship might help you.
Now, why am I saying that? It’s pretty simple.
You admitted to him that or he found out somehow that you are taking a job out of the country.
Now, I can understand why almost any man in the world would be hesitant to get to a commitment at that point because he’s thinking,
“Well, I don’t want to get back into a long distance relationship.”
But the fact that your ex is a commitment phobe and the fact that you already have experience with long distance relationships actually might mean that this thing could potentially work out really well between the two of you. So, that’s the good news.
Now. how the heck are you going to get him to commit. I think before we talk about the commitment aspect, we need to talk about your over all game plan. I think specifically with this man, it’s going to take some time before he gets comfortable with you. I think actually getting back into a long distance relationship with him is not the worst idea. I think that’s actually one of the best ideas due to his commitment phobic nature.
Think of it this way, a commitment phobic man, is probably going to be freaked out a little bit getting into a relationship where he’s in close proximity to someone who’s going to be constantly down his throat every single day or calling him and seeing him every single day when he doesn’t feel like he has any time to himself.
Whereas if you pitched this idea of a long distance relationship which kind of is going to be enforced because you’re going due to your work to a foreign country, it might be a little bit easier or him and the fact that you’ve already done it before, tells me that this thing might have some wings.
Ultimately a long distance relationship cannot survive on it’s own but hey, we’ll worry about that when the time comes.
For now let’s just worry getting you back in his arms. So, that brings me back full circle to the original question I asked. How the heck are you going to get him to commit to you?
So, one thing in all of research and all of my experience shows that men are basically are going to commit on, when you look at the factors, they’re going to commit based on three factors:
how satisfied they are with you and the relationship, if they think there are better alternatives to you out there and how much they actually have invested into the relationship. So, when I look at sort of your brief synopsis of you situation, it seems like he was actually pretty satisfied with your relationship. Now, why am I saying that? I’m saying that pretty much because he admitted to you that he loves you, cares for you, he’s only going to do that after he takes some time away from you and realizes, “Oh my god. I miss her so much.”
So, that means, at some level he is satisfied with his relationship with you which is good news, yay! Unfortunately, it’s not enough to get him to commit to you yet. So, what other? Let’s look at alternatives.
Does he have a better alternative out there?
I often see it happen with men who feel like they don’t have better alternatives is they get a little bit of the grass is greener syndrome when they’re in a relationship with you. They’re sitting there and thinking,
“You know what, I could find someone better than her.”
But then when they break up with their ex or they break up with their current gf and leave you, they start to realize that the dating world isn’t easy or forgiving as they initially had thought and that sort of makes them realize how good they had it with you.
Truly is the grass is greener, turns out the grass wasn’t greener on the other side.
Do I think that happened to you Vanessa?
No. I don’t probably due to the fact that generally speaking, satisfaction and alternatives have this really interesting bond or like, if a man is unsatisfied with the relationship, he’s more likely to look at other alternatives and the fact that it seems like your ex was satisfied with you in the relationship, probably means he wasn’t thinking other alternatives when he broke up with you. That would also light credence to my theory that he’s a commitment phobe. Now, where I think you’re struggling is the investment aspect.
You have not gotten him to invest enough into the relationship. Now, we know you’re broken up. So, getting him to invest into the relationship like marriage wise is like crazy right?
A commitment phobic is not going to want to want to get married to you right away. You have to kind of like work him up to it. I think you were trying to do that with moving in together but maybe it was too much. I don’t know if you guys were moving in together totally but maybe it would have been smarter to maybe you move into his home town or something but you don’t move in with him.
I don’t know exactly how that went down, but I do know, it seems like investment is where you’re struggling. So, in order to get him back, I think you got the satisfaction aspect covered. I think you got the alternative aspect covered. I think you need to work on investment.
Now, there’s two types of investment: There’s emotional investment and physical investment. Now, if you’re long distance, you really can’t do much with the physical investment because emotional investment, I actually think is more powerful.
Often times the most affecting experiences dont happen when I’m physically touched or affected by someone. They happen after the fact. They happen after I have some time to kind of sit and think on it and think back to how amazing that experience is.
It’s all emotional. It’s all happening inside my head and I think what you can do is get him to make this little emotional investments throughout in time with rebuilding rapport, rebuilding attraction with him. Now, an example of emotional investment is getting him to do something for you.
He’s not going to physically touch you or physically kiss you or you know, do that thing. He’s going to do something for you. Not to
there. So, emotional investment, a good example of that is if he bought you flowers. That’s a form of emotional investment.
By buying you flowers he’s saying, “I care for you.” He’s also sort of making a financial investment as well, Another small emotional investment would be if he complimented you. So, I think the idea behind the strategy I’m going to recommend to you is it would be a mistake to try to get him to buy you flowers right off the bat. There was actually a girl in our private support group who I recommended that to.
I was first kind of strategizing about this emotional investment idea, I recommended, “Hey, why don’t you try to see if you can get your ex to buy your flowers?” And she couldn’t get him to do it because I think it was too much too soon.
You have to start out like a little smaller. What you can do is try to post a picture on Instagram, post a picture on Facebook where you’re looking absolutely gorgeous and then get him to look at the picture and compliment you through text on it.
And then from there slowly work him up with a little deeper form of investment.
Maybe the next time is you get him to send you a video through text of himself or something and then you just kind of work it up from there. Now, there’s one other thing that I think is important to talk about here.
You had mentioned that he had said to you that he wants you to be happy while he figures out what is going on his life. and he feels depressed. Now, why would he say that? Well, he probably said this after he learned that you were taking a job outside of the country and he’s looking for reassurance from you that actually care. Men, we kind of crave affection from women constantly.
The funny thing is, I often teach women because women who come to me, want to work with me, they’re so in love with their ex, they’re so caught up in their ex’s I don’t know words, or actions or whatever he says that they lose sight of the bigger picture of playing hard to get.
We do know from scientific studies that playing hard to get works, and it works really well and often times I have to teach women it’s ok to play hard to get. You don’t have to trip over yourself begging for him back every 5 seconds. But for you Vanessa, I think playing hard to get you maybe a little too good at it.
The fact that you made it through the no contact rule without breaking it is like awesome right? it tells me that you’re a very disciplined person. The fact that things are going really well means you did a really good job of creating this environment where he feels pressured that he’s going to lose you forever.
The problem is men also need reassurance every once in a while. So, do I think you should give him reassurance that you know, like you can reciprocate his feelings? Like all at once all the time?
No. I think that would be a mistake because if you do that then you’re not playing hard to get anymore. What you need to do is give him reassurance in moderation. Give him reassurance sometimes and then other times completely ignore and dont give him reassurance.
That way he’s constantly in this push pull method, constantly seeking your approval. I think if you do this things you’re going to actually make him want–first of all, you’re going to be this ungettable girl, which is sort of what I teach but you’re going to–he’s going to look at you as having higher value because you’re a difficult woman to get. No man likes an easy woman.
Well, I shouldn’t say that completely. Men do like easy women. They just don’t like–they just don’t ever commit to easy women. They commit to women that they deem impossible to get.
Think of it, if you’re committing to someone you’re saying, “I can have her. No one else can have her. ” Right? You’re not going to do that with a woman that you know you can get constantly.
You’re going to do that with a woman you know is too good for you. That’s kind of the perception you’re trying to have him have. So, by giving him reassurance every once in a while.
Sprinkle it in there. You’re going to do enough to keep him engage but not too enough or not to so much that you force him to disengage. Hopefully that makes sense.
So, to recap, good news, bad news Vanessa.
Good news is you’re long distance relationship experience actually might help you. Bad news is he’s a bit of commitment phobe and in order to get a commitment phobe to invest, we need to really, really work on the investment aspect.
So, doing things that forces to do or create emotional investment, things like complimenting you, buying you flowers, etc. Those are the kind of things that you really need to have to do with him.
The other thing from your question or from your answer that I think you need to do is actually sprinkle in a bit of reassurance every once in a while so he feels that you still care about him but don’t do it so much that you’re actually disengaging him.
Alright, so that is going to do it for this episode of the ex boyfriend recovery.
We’re going to be doing a lot of this awesome fun bite size episodes. If you want to ask me a question, it’s pretty easy. Just go to the contact page on ex boyfriend recovery.
Go to the contact page.
You can actually leave me a voice mail and I may feature your question and give you an in depth answer here. The other thing I want to encourage you to do if you haven’t already is go to iTunes and subscribe to this podcast and if you’re enjoying this podcast, look this podcast–I’m going to level with you guys. Not a lot of podcasters out there will admit this but this podcast absolutely relies on the ratings and reviews that you can give it.
Because without the ratings and reviews, we can’t keep doing this podcast. So, just take some time. It will take no more than 5 minutes to log into iTunes. Go to the ex boyfriend recovery podcast page and leave an honest rating or review.
The more of those that we can get, the better for everyone because I’ll keep churning out the content, you’ll keep asking questions and hopefully we can work towards getting your ex back. Like I said, that’s going to do it for this episode of ex boyfriend recovery.
I’ll see you next time.