I know most of my work is about helping people get their exes back but that doesn’t mean I believe that everyone can (or should) try to get back together with their ex after a breakup.
Today I’m going to take you through five crucial post-breakup questions you must ask yourself before trying to win an ex back.
A lot of people see my work as a morally grey area because they think no one should try to get back with an ex, but the truth is a bit more complicated than that.
No two breakups or relationships are the same.
I’ll level with you here – I do make most of my content (and money) helping people understand how to get an ex back but I never give guarantees of getting an ex back or push people to get back with their ex’s when that’s clearly not the right choice.
People think I don’t do my due diligence and try to sell the same “get your ex back” spiel to everyone regardless of their situation but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
In fact, there are many times that someone will pay us for coaching but when we read their writeup it’s clear that they shouldn’t be trying to get an ex back or that we don’t have the skills to help them out. In those cases, we simply refund their money.
They’re usually never happy about this but it’s just a matter of integrity for me.
Five Questions You Need To Ask Before Getting Your Ex Back
Now I’m not trying to make people angry or dash their hopes of success today, I’m just helping you set realistic expectations of whether you should be trying to get your ex back. These five questions are necessary to ask after your breakup to determine whether your ex is worth pursuing.
Now before I get into the five questions and their explanations, I want to explain exactly how this will work:
If you can’t answer yes to at least three of these questions then you should not be trying to get an ex back.
The more yes’s the better of course but you should have at least three yes’s before you start making efforts to getting your ex back.
Question #1: Am I The Protagonist Of My Life Anymore?
If you’ve followed me on my website or youtube channel you probably know that I’m a big fan of the art of storytelling.
A protagonist is basically the centerpiece of the story.
In this case, the “story” is your life and you need to be the one in charge of it.
Now you might think you’re always in charge of your life because you make your own decisions but ask yourself why you do certain things? Who do you think about all the time? Does anyone else influence your decision making and the overall direction of your life?
Chances are if you just went through a breakup, your ex is the protagonist of your life instead of you.
Every waking moment of your life is probably spent thinking about your ex and your past relationship.
Your whole world revolves around your ex and there’s nothing more unappealing than that to an ex.
It also speaks to your diminished sense of self because you don’t have the fortitude or self-confidence to think for yourself and take ownership of your life.
It’s also entirely possible that this was the catalyst for your breakup if your ex ever made statements like:
“You need to get your own life”
“Stop following me around all the time”
“You’re always around me. I need space.”
Exes will say things like this if they feel that you are in their business too much and don’t have a life or identity of your own. That’s why one of the first things we advise clients to do to win or recover a breakup is to reestablish their own life.
So, are you the protagonist of your own life? If yes, you’re good to go but if not, you need to focus on yourself before you even think about getting back with your ex.
Question #2: Am I Sure That My Relationship Is Not A Self Fulfilling Prophecy?
If you were to come up to me on the street and ask me what is the easiest situation to get an ex back you’d probably expect me to say that the perfect environment would be one in which you broke up with your ex, but that’s not what my answer would be.
The easiest situation to be in for getting an ex back is an on-again-off-again relationship where you’re stuck in this perpetual self-fulfilling prophecy of breaking up and getting back together again.
Such situations are exhausting for most people but enjoyable for some. For my clients, the case is usually that they’re exhausted by the constant breakups and patch-ups but their ex is addicted to the chase.
So their ex doesn’t really want the relationship, he just wants the thrill of winning you back.
If your ex is the kind of person who thinks the relationship is actually boring but the constant breaking up and winning you back is fun, you probably shouldn’t get back together with them… unless you enjoy being stuck in this loop too.
Now technically if you’re in an on-again-off-again situation, you could easily get back with your ex but it’s not a great sign for the strength and longevity of your relationship if you do end up getting your ex back.
Question #3: Am I A Patient Person?
One of my biggest peeves about the breakup industry is the unrealistic expectations other experts, videos, and websites set about how long it takes to successfully win an ex back.
News flash: There is no magic one-size-fits-all time limit for getting an ex back.
So if anyone is promising you that you will 100% get your ex back within a month, they’re lying.
Our research has shown that’s simply not true.
In fact, if you actually watch one of our interviews with success stories from our program, you’ll notice that it takes them anywhere from three months to six months on average to win an ex-back.
Even three months is on the short end of things – we’ve had cases where it’s taken years for some of our clients to get their exes back.
Getting an ex back isn’t the type of thing that works well if you’re not a patient person.
Unfortunately, most people just don’t have patience these days and this is super evident in our private Facebook support group that you get access to if you buy into our program.
There are a ton of people there who cannot be patient after their breakup.
They want results NOW. We live in a society where most things are available to us almost instantly so we’re not used to being patient. On the other hand, our program is deliberately made to be a gradual and slow process.
That way you and your ex both have ample time to develop into yourselves as individuals and to rationally discuss your feelings without being clouded by immediate post-breakup emotions.
Now is there a possibility you could get your ex back without being patient? Sure, it’s possible but not very probable.
I even did a video about the fastest way to get an ex back once but the whole video was riddled with disclaimers about how that might not be the ideal and most effective way to get an ex back.
So, are you a patient person who can go through this process without expecting immediate results?
If you’re not then you might not be ready for this rigorous emotional process of getting your ex back. After all, even the simplest of rules for getting an ex back like doing a successful no contact rule requires patience.
Question #4: Am I Sure That I Don’t Have A Case Of ONEITIS?
ONEITIS is where you focus so much on one person you get blinders and forget to see all other possibilities.
In some cases, your ex just isn’t the best match for you.
Maybe they never were or maybe they were at some point but then one or both of you changed. Either way, you have to realize that there are other people out there who might be good for you.
Unfortunately, a lot of people have this ONEITIS-induced tunnel vision right after their breakups because they can’t think about anyone other than their ex.
This is actually one of the primary reasons we suggest a lot of our clients go on dates with other people so they can understand whether they’re still hung up on their ex or if they’re slowly opening themselves up to other options.
The ideal situation is where they still have feelings for their ex but they can start to have feelings for other people. Opening yourself up to new possibilities will even increase your chances because nothing hurts your case more in trying to win an ex back than having the blinders on.
This also ties into question number one about being the protagonist of your own life. If all you can think about is your ex and you’re feeling like your whole life will fall apart if they don’t come back to you, that is not a healthy mindset to have.
Accepting that other people might be just as good if not better for you than your ex is a hard pill to swallow because you understand this logically but not emotionally.
Your heart is telling you you’ll never find anyone better than your ex but you need to trick it.
You basically need to fake it till you make it to a point where you emotionally accept that your ex is not the only person out there for you.
So, are you falling victim to the ONEITIS mindset? If not, you’re a good candidate to get your ex back but if you are, you might need to work on that first.
Question #5: Am I A Disciplined Person?
So the most obvious way to understand discipline in the context of getting your ex back is by looking at discipline during the no contact rule.
Having the discipline to resist reaching out to your ex or replying when they reach out is crucial but unfortunately, most people aren’t disciplined enough.
In fact, 80% of our clients who try a no contact rule will fail at least once because they lack discipline.
However, when I speak to our success stories most of them display shockingly high levels of discipline. A lot of times even I’ll be blown away by the level of discipline they brought to the table where they’re charting exact scenarios out of how often their ex texted them, the word count, exact topics of conversation, and what topics got the best response. All of that requires a lot of discipline and patience.
Patience and discipline are linked together:
- Patience is about the ability to stay calm when waiting for something.
- Discipline is about the execution of a specific task in a specific way.
So first you need to have the proper discipline of executing various techniques and holding yourself accountable for them, for example knowing when to cut off a conversation with your ex so you don’t overstay your welcome. Then you have to exhibit patience in waiting for your efforts to pay off.
So, do you have the discipline to execute all the techniques of getting your ex back? If you do, you’re in a great position to attempt this process. If not, you’re not in a good position to attempt this process and I would even caution you to try to move on
What if I couldn’t answer yes to at least three of these questions?
I know I said you need at least three yeses to move forward with this process but I never said your answers are permanent. Most, if not all, of these questions, can be answered differently depending on the day and how you’re feeling. You can actively choose to transform one of your nos into a yes.
Don’t feel like the protagonist of your life? Start focusing on yourself and doing things that make YOU a better person.
Don’t think you’re a patient person? Make conscious efforts to be patient and get used to delayed gratification.
Not sure if you have a case of ONEITIS? Go out on dates and play the field to see where you stand.
Not disciplined enough? Force yourself to improve and follow through with whatever you commit yourself to.
These things come easier to some of us than others but only you can decide if it’s worth your time and energy to make these efforts.
You must answer YES to at least three of the following five questions before you decide to get your ex back:
- Am I the protagonist/center of my own life?
- Am I sure my relationship is not a self-fulfilling prophecy of breaking up and getting back together again?
- Am I a patient person?
- Am I sure I don’t have a case of ONEITIS that blinds me to all options except my ex?
- Am I a disciplined person?