Have you ever wondered why it’s so hard to get an ex boyfriend back?
I mean, if you really think about it from a big picture perspective the simple act of winning an ex back means you have to change their mind about you.
Lets pretend that you and I dated for about a year. Throughout our relationship we constantly fought and things weren’t very good. Eventually, I have an epiphany one day and realize that I am better off without you. This epiphany causes me to break up with you. In other words, my mind is set on the fact that my life would be better without you in it.
Now, if you are trying to win me back then that means that you have one of the hardest tasks known to man, changing my mind into believing that my life needs you in it.
In this guide I am going to be discussing what things have to occur in order for your ex boyfriend to change his mind and take you back. In other words, I am going to be teaching you how to change the mind of a man!
I feel the best way to kick this guide off is to talk a little about resistance.
How Resistance Relates To Changing A Mind
When you think back to your relationship with your ex boyfriend you probably have a lot of thoughts.
I think you get the picture.
Well, if we are going to do this correctly then that is going to require a bit of empathy from you. In other words, you need to be able to put yourself in your exes shoes and try to determine how he views the relationship when he thinks back to it.
What kind of thoughts is he having?
What are the good thoughts?
What are the bad thoughts?
Do the good thoughts outweigh the bad or vice versa?
Right now I want to focus specifically on the bad/sad thoughts your ex boyfriend may be having about your relationship.
Simple, the bad/sad thoughts create resistance that prevents your ex boyfriend from changing his mind about wanting you in his life.
Good Feelings Vs Bad Feelings Theory
My favorite food in the world is chicken fried steak which I suppose makes sense since I am from Texas. Of course, my least favorite food would have to be something like eggplant or spinach.
Now that you know this interesting tidbit of information about me what food do you think I would associate with tasting good and what food do you think I would associate with tasting bad?
Good = Chicken Fried Steak
Bad = Eggplant or Spinach
So, it makes sense that I am always going to be drawn to the thing that I associate with tasting good (chicken fried steak) as opposed to the thing that I associate with tasting bad doesn’t it?
Relationships work the same way in a sense except instead of focusing on how things taste you are going to be focusing on how things feel.
Lets pretend that you and I are dating each other.
If I were to treat you like a queen, spoil you, say all the right things, be passionate, communicate properly, always have your best interests at heart and be dedicated solely to you the chances are pretty high that you are going to associate being with me with good feelings.
On the other hand, if I were to fight with you all the time, forget your birthday, be distant, flirt with other women, cheat on you and not really listen to you at all then without a doubt you are going to associate me with bad feelings.
As a whole people are drawn to things that make them feel good and they shy away from things that make them feel bad.
So, when you look at your relationship with your ex boyfriend do you think he associates you with good feelings or bad?
Well, the two of you are broken up so I am going to take a guess and say that he associates you with bad feelings since breaking up with someone is essentially like shying away from them. Perhaps the more interesting question we need to look at here is why are bad feelings so harmful to changing your exes mind about being with you?
Bad Feelings = Resistance
Here is how it works.
If you treated your ex boyfriend badly in a relationship by doing any of the following,
- Constant fighting
- Cheating on him
- Manipulating him
- Being a drama queen
- Becoming too clingy
Then you can pretty much bet the house on the fact that he is going to associate you with bad feelings. Now, why are bad feelings so harmful to your quest to getting your ex boyfriend back?
Simple, they create resistance.
Lets pretend that you and your ex have been broken up for a while. At some point after the breakup he is going to think to himself,
“Hmm… I wonder if I should get back with her?”
Of course, when he thinks this we already know he associates you with bad feelings so all this resistance is going to be created that will convince him that it’s not a good idea. For example, he may think to himself,
“Oh, she manipulated me…”
“Oh, she cheated on me so why would I want to get back in a situation like that?”
The truth is that this resistance is really what you have to overcome if you want to change your exes mind about getting back together with you. That basic concept is quite easy to understand. The hard part is actually having to overcome it because most men are stubborn when it comes to changing their minds.
Men Are Mostly Stubborn Once Their Mind Is Made Up
Men are tricky creatures in that we sometimes aren’t very open to changing our minds once it’s made up.
I can use multiple examples to illustrate this point perfectly from my own life.
One of the many common interests that I share with my father is sports. As a small child I always used to sit and watch the major sporting events like baseball, football and basketball on TV with him. Over the years the two of us have learned a lot about the different players playing these sports.
Recently we have gotten into small little arguments over statistical or technical facts about the players.
The last disagreement I can think of occurred over the famous Basketball player LeBron James.
My Dad– What position does he play? Small Forward?
Me– No, I think it’s shooting guard.
My Dad– There is no way. He is too big for that position.
Me– He definitely plays shooting guard.
My Dad– Look it up on your phone and I bet you I am right.
What we have here is two men, my father and I, who have our minds made up on the fact that LeBron James plays a certain position and neither one of us is backing down. You see, I believe with all my heart that LeBron plays shooting guard. Whereas my dad believes with all his heart that he plays small forward.
In other words, we are both being very stubborn on the fact that our way of thinking is right and the others is wrong.
Of course, we are men so this disagreement won’t be settled until we consult the internet.
Who was right?
Turns out that we both were as LeBron has played both positions in the past.
What Your Ex Boyfriend Believes About Your Relationship Right Now
I am going to make this simple for you.
If your ex boyfriend wanted to be with you he would be with you.
I know that may be a hard pill to swallow hearing things verbalized like that but its the truth.
Take me for example, I am the type of man that usually never does what I don’t want to do. Sure, sometimes I do, do things that I don’t want to do but I can literally count those things on one hand (and in most cases I am forced to do them,)
- Pay taxes (because you are forced to.)
- Go someplace I don’t want to go but because my significant other really wants to (doing it for her really.)
- Be cordial to someone that wronged me or my family (to not further add drama into the equation.)
(Now, most people would say that they don’t want to go to work but the truth is that I love my job so I can’t really say that.)
My point is really simple, generally speaking human beings don’t do things that they don’t want to do unless they are forced to do them. It just so happens that relationships are one aspect of your life where YOU are in control. This means that your ex boyfriend has actively chosen not to be with you.
This is where the good feelings vs bad feelings thing comes into play.
If you were able to consistently create good feelings within him he probably would have opted to stay in a relationship with you. Unfortunately, a lot of bad feelings probably occurred during your relationship and he high tailed it out of there.
But what specifically could he be thinking?
What are some of the bad feelings that are preventing him from wanting to be with you?
Below I have compiled a list of some of the most common thoughts that men can have after a breakup that prevent them from wanting to come back.
Thought 1- I Can Do Better…
Ah, the old grass is greener syndrome.
Essentially this thought occurs in men who exit your relationship thinking they can find someone better than you. In the link I just provided I talk about “bar theory.”
Bar Theory- Everyone a man dates sets the “relationship bar” at a certain height. If your ex thinks he can find someone who can set the bar higher than you then he is likely to leave you and go find that someone.
The interesting thing I have found about the GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) is that a lot of men end up learning that they finding that someone who can set the bar higher is a very challenging task.
Thought 2- She Cheated On Me…
I have to say that for me personally this is the one thing I don’t know if I can find it within myself to forgive.
Because to me infidelity is the worst thing that can happen in a relationship. Nothing hurts more than learning a woman you love on a deep level shared a part of themselves (that’s only supposed to be yours) with another man.
Hmm… perhaps it would be smarter to use an example here.
If you had cheated on your ex when you were dating then anytime the two of you kissed he would be thinking,
“Wow, another man kissed her like this probably.”
If you were making love then he would think to himself,
“I bet another guy did this with her…”
It ruins things for a guy. It ruins kissing, cuddling, sex, pretty much everything and it can take a long time to get over that.
Thought 3- Nitpicking At All Of Your Flaws
Human beings are flawed.
That’s the way it has always been since the beginning of time.
Here’s the thing though, people often get tricked into thinking that human beings are not flawed when they are in the midst of a honeymoon period where the other person can do no wrong. However, the honeymoon period almost always ends and that’s when you start to notice your significant others flaws.
Of course, an immature man may not take the flaws in stride and break up with you because of them.
If that is the case then he is in for a rude awakening when he realizes that every girl he will ever date is going to be flawed once the honeymoon period wears off.
How To Change Your Ex Boyfriends Mind About The Breakup
You probably have one of the hardest tasks in the world ahead of you, changing a mans mind.
In this section I am going to be covering everything I know about what it takes to change an ex boyfriends mind about a breakup.
First though, I would like to direct your attention to the graphic below,
With this graphic I have listed all of the things that will have to occur in order for your ex boyfriend to change his mind about being with you.
What are those things?
Well, there are four of them,
- It has to benefit him.
- You have to find a way to combat any resistance he may have.
- Persuade him through both reason and emotion.
- It has to be his idea to change.
Of course, me just simply listing these things isn’t enough. No, what you really want is for me to give you my insight into each of these reasons. Well, today is your lucky day because that is exactly what I am about to do.
It Has To Benefit Him
I want to ask you a question.
To your ex boyfriend, how does being with you benefit him?
Can you make him laugh like no other woman?
Can you provide the type of emotional support that he needs?
Are you the prettiest girl he has ever dated?
In other words, what I am asking is what sets you apart from the rest of the pack?
You see, human beings as a whole tend to gravitate towards the things that benefit them. For example, one of the most popular sales tactics out there is the buy one get one free sales tactic.
How does it work?
Lets pretend that I was trying to sell a $500 laptop. Now, while you may need a laptop you feel that $500 is too pricey so you have made up your mind that you are not going to buy it. So, the challenge that I have to overcome if I want you to buy this expensive laptop is sweetening the deal to the point where it benefits you.
Unfortunately, I can’t lower the price from the $500 mark so that means that I have to find some other way to benefit you.
Oh, I know.
If you buy this laptop at the $500 price you can get $500 worth of store credit. That means that in my imaginary store 😉 you can spend $500 on any amount of items you want.
Now all of a sudden that laptop turns into a pretty attractive deal doesn’t it?
And it’s all because I sweetened the pot to the point where it benefited you greatly.
So, the question you have to ask yourself right now is how does being with you benefit your ex boyfriend?
If you can’t answer that question then you need to find a way to answer it. As a general rule, I like to tell women to try to become the most incredible woman he has ever met in his life. That means you have to be sexier, smarter and more supportive that any other girl he comes into contact with for the rest of his life.
Kind of a tough task huh?
Hey, I didn’t say it would be easy.
Now, I am sure YOU could get out a piece of paper and list out all the reasons that it would benefit him to be with you but his vision is a little clouded at the moment isn’t it? I mean, right now he probably associates you with bad feelings and these bad feelings create resistance right?
It just so happens that overcoming that very resistance is the next thing that has to happen if you want to ultimately change his mind about being with you.
Overcome The Resistance He May Have
There is going to come a time post breakup where your ex boyfriend is going to think to himself,
“I wonder if I should go back to her?”
When that moment occurs, when he thinks that in his head it is going to be the bad feelings resistance that prevents him from acting on it.
For example, if your ex starts contemplating whether or not he should go back to you but then he thinks to himself,
“But she cheated on me. What if she does it again?”
“But she said all those hurtful things to me.”
“But she was so needy and naggy.”
The chances are pretty high that he isn’t going to want to come back to you.
So, now that you know this your task becomes all about overcoming any resistance he may have. Of course, in order to do that you must first identify what his resistance is. Usually if you just think very logically about the situation and think about every little thing you did wrong or everything that you know you did to hurt him you can figure out the resistance yourself.
Of course, sometimes men will flat out tell you what you did wrong in the relationship.
Some of the most common examples of resistance in men that I see is,
- Jealousy (to an extreme level.)
Persuade Him Through Both Reason And Emotion
I am going to open up to you for a moment here by giving you a rare look into my professional life.
As I am sure you have already surmised Ex Boyfriend Recovery isn’t my first website. In fact, it’s not my second, third, fourth or fifth website either. Ex Boyfriend Recovery is actually my 22nd website. Now, most of you may think that, that is an incredible accomplishment (creating 22 websites.) However, to me I look at this as a massive failure.
You see, I am a professional webmaster so that means that in order for me to dedicate time to a website I have to see some financial return.
Ex Boyfriend Recovery was the first time I ever struck gold. This website has given me so much which means I am willing to devote a massive amount of time to it and to you.
Of course, that also means that it took me failing 21 times before I finally figured out what worked and what didn’t work.
What did I learn from this experience?
Whenever a visitor comes to your website they don’t want to pay you any money at all. It’s really up to you to change their mind. If you are good at changing their minds you can become successful.
So, I suppose that makes me a bit of an expert when it comes to changing minds.
How am I able to do it?
Well, me doing all the stuff above certainly helps (showing you how my E-Book benefits you and overcoming any resistance you may have about buying it.) However, there are also two other crucial elements in play here. I have to tap into both your reason and emotions.
Oftentimes you find that reason and emotion are at odds with one another.
Lets use Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO, my e-book, as an example to illustrate this point.
Emotionally you probably want nothing more than to buy it. After all, it could be the ultimate answer to making that horrible feeling you are feeling in your heart go away. Of course, when you think about things reasonably you keep telling yourself,
“But it is a bit on the pricey side…”
Now, imagine if you get your emotion and reason to agree?
This is what you should be aiming to do with your ex boyfriend. Of course, I feel getting you to buy my book is a little easier than getting an ex boyfriend to change his mind about being with you.
Because you probably have work to do both through emotion and reason.
How To Persuade Him Through Emotion
I am a man so you know I am not going to mislead you when it comes to what other men (ie: your ex) are thinking.
As a man who knows what it’s like to be madly in love with a woman I know full well the power that emotion can have over a man. You see, when a man is truly in love with a woman he will do anything for her. No, I am not just talking about silly hypotheticals like taking a bullet or a grenade (Bruno Mars anyone?) for a woman.
I am talking about things like making a woman’s dreams come true.
Protecting her at all costs…
Providing for her…
Sacrificing for her…
This is the true power of emotional influence, a power you have lost over your ex boyfriend.
How do I know?
Because if he was truly in love with you then he wouldn’t even think about leaving your side.
So, the question you need to be asking yourself is how in the world can you get this emotional influence power back.
Ok, let me ask you a question.
Right now you are clearly smitten with your ex boyfriend otherwise you wouldn’t be here.
What was it about him that made HIM have such an emotional influence over you?
That’s what I want you to do to him. I want HIM to become the one that chases you instead of the other way around.
What’s the best way to do that?
Well, you have to maneuver yourself in a position to where you feel you can get your emotional hooks into him. Here are a list of things that women can do to cause men to associate positive emotions with a woman,
- He feels the same intensity about the relationship as you do. In other words, he feels you love him as much as he loves you (you are equal.)
- You experience new firsts together.
- You have the ability to give him butterflies.
- If he looks at you like your the total package. If he doesn’t then you better get on that 😉
How To Persuade Him Through Reason
For the sake of this guide lets pretend that you were able to get your emotional hooks into your ex.
However, despite that amazing accomplishment he still has some reservations about getting back together with you.
What is it that is holding him back?
That would be his reason.
You see, logic can get in the way of most men who may want to get back together with their ex.
Because logic tells us that realistically the chances of a couple who break up aren’t going to last the second time around. So, why is it that he would want to subject himself to the emotional pain of another breakup?
Remember, in order for his mind to change about the breakup he has to feel like getting back together with you is going to benefit him.
I have found that the best way to reach him on a logical level and show him that being with you is the best choice is to be better than any girl he could ever meet for the rest of his life. If you can make him believe that then you are in business.
Where did I get this idea?
Actually from a married couple who has been together for over twenty years.
When I was much younger I would always hang out at my best friends house which I always found fascinating because of the dynamic between his parents. I absolutely loved his parents because they had one of the most interesting stories I had ever heard.
They were high school sweethearts, got married young and had the type of success story that you are all probably seeking.
I remember one day my friends dad told me an interesting story about his wife.
Back in high school my friends dad actually broke up with his (now) wife and started dating someone else. He told me that it was the biggest mistake of his life because he realized that his (now) wife was better than any other girl he had ever dated.
Inevitably he was drawn to her because she was the best.
Now, imagine if that was you.
Logically he would have no choice but to pick you because YOU are the best.
It Has To Be His Idea
What have we covered so far?
Well, we know that in order to change your ex boyfriends mind about being with you he has to feel that going back to you will benefit him. We also discovered that you are going to have to overcome any type of resistance he may have about your getting back together. Finally, we discussed how its important to reach him on both a logical and emotional level.
In this section I am going to talk about the importance of it being his idea to get back together with you.
You see, some men are so frightened of the ridicule of getting back with an ex that they can’t stomach the idea that it wasn’t their idea to get back together with them.
For example, if you and I were dating I would probably feel a lot better at getting back together with you if I felt it was my idea as opposed to you making it my idea (which is really what is going to happen.)
Men have this constant need to feel important or in control.
Notice the example I gave above about my friends parents.
Guess whose idea it was to get back together when my friends father broke up with my friends mother?
Yup, it was the father.
What really happened?
The mother influenced the father so much that it became HIS idea to get back together.
The Truth = It was the mothers!