Hey, I just want to actually apologize. If you’re listening that voice mail got cut off at the end. A little bit after you can’t really even hear what she’s asking but I think we have enough here to kind of create a pretty good episode. This is probably the first one I’ve ever done where I’ve actually talked about my own personal experience with break ups. But let’s kind of quickly recap her situation and talk specifically about one thing that she did wrong. So, even though I know she didn’t say her name. Her name is actually Jawirah and she’s basically saying that she broke the no contact rule after a week of being broken up. So, it seems like she broke up with her ex or he broke up with her. That’s sort of what I’m assuming as is the case with most of the people I worked, they’re often the ones who have been broken up with. It seems to me that right after this break up she went right into a no contact rule which is the smartest thing that you can do but she only lasted a week before she essentially just texted him. He hasn’t blocked her on all types of social media except–there’s a few exceptions but ultimately she’s just kind of wondering what’s going though his head and it’s always tough when you get blocked in social media. You feel like a part of your communication
is essentially cut off and you can’t use it but I think understanding the psyche of why he did this and what’s going through his head is really quite important but before we jump into that, I do want to point out that you made one major mistake and that is simply breaking the no contact rule too early.
One thing that’s been clear in our research and in our independent studies is that people who we’ve worked with who have gotten their exes back, around 70% of our success stories and I actually believe the number is higher than this, 70% of our overall success stories have utilized the no contact rule in some way shape or form. Now, that’s important because the no contact rule is the foundation upon which every thing is built if you’re trying to get your ex back. It serves as a kind of reset button to reset you and your ex and kind of start a new. Now, do you always start anew like from square one? No, not necessarily. There’s always things like the break up, what caused the break up if there’s cheating involved, if there’s another girl that he’s dating. All of this stuff does matter but no matter what, you’re always just starting point is going to be the no contact rule and staying no contact for a week, staying in the no contact rule for a week isn’t going to get you too far. Ultimately the lowest no contact rule that I would even go out of my way to recommend is a 21 day rule. I would say, that’s more rare than the 30 day rule. I think for an average situation probably like yours I’d recommend a 30 day rule. The thinking behind that is if you feel like there’s a huge sense of urgency that you have to talk to your ex ahead of time or that he’s reaching out to you a lot during the no contact rule, maybe the 21 day rule is for you. But generally speaking here, I always want to start with the 30 day rule. But I think you understand that breaking the no contact rule was a mistake. You’re probably more interested in what’s going through your ex’s mind.
So, what I’d like to do is just talk specifically about what goes through a normal average male’s mind during a break up and really I can only draw on my personal experience and also the experience that I’ve had with working with other male individuals who have gone through break ups themselves. I guess we’ll start with the easy part and this is my experience. I’ve actually been fortunate that I have never in my life been broken up with. I haven’t had too many long relationships. I’ve always just sort of dated and never have wanted to get into a relationship. I actually think I could literally count my long term relationships on one hand but there’s one that specifically comes to mind and that was with my very, very first girlfriend ever. Now, one thing that you have to understand is at this time I was about 19 years old when we broke up. I’m 28 now. So, I’ve had a lot of time to think through the mistakes I made in that relationship and the mistakes on how I handled the break up. So, to put this in context. I ended up breaking up with my ex girlfriend. There was a lot of different reasons why but the funny story behind it is that I actually never really meant to break up with her. Towards the end of our relationship, we had been fighting a lot and when I say fighting I mean screaming matches, arguments. I think we would average like a fight every other day. It will always be pretty much around the same thing. I was insecure about the fact that she was flirting with other guys and I would often–would not do anything unprovoked but she would do or say or take an action that made think she wasn’t trustworthy and of course I would kind of call her on it which of course she would push back and then of course I would push back and then what do you know, you’re into a mental shoving match. We never shoved physically or anything like that but we often sparred back and forth with words and I remember in many cases this drained me completely. I remember, it all came to our head one night when I actually have to go to bed early because I was waking up very, very early. My best friend at that time was going to come to my house at 5 am, we were going to take a road trip all the way down to Dallas , Texas where I believe there’s a kind of amusement park. And so, we were going to go to this amusement park and we’re just going to have fun. We had just fresh graduated highschool. We were about to enter college, we were just going to have one last hurrah before we entered college and she didn’t like the fact that I was going with him.
But she never really said anything about it to me in that moment. All that I remember is that we fought the night before this road trip. I do remember I woke up at 5 am, I basically ended up hanging up on her and I went to bed after that. I remember waking up the very, very next day. I remember he picked up me up at 5 am, so if you know me, I’m like a vampire. I hate waking up early but I was excited to go with him. It’s not often you get to go on an exciting road trip with your best friend. So, we’re going on this road trip right and I remember thinking, should I text her? Should I just kind of like lay off today or just not engage in that today? Of course curiosity on how she was going to apologize because typically what ended up happening is that either one of us would apologize first and we were both very stubborn people. I’ll just put it that way. So often times I would apologize and then she would apologize and then I would apologize and I remember thinking very clearly, I’m going to make her apologize. I don’t remember, it was something stupid we fought over but of course she wasn’t very apologetic over text. She was angry which of course, I took as kind of feeling slighted and then we kind of got into a texting argument. I remember literally texting her, this is going to sound horrible. I remember literally texting her, “Look. I’m through with this. I’m done.” in the context, I meant I’m done with the conversation. Like I’m willing to fight but I’m done with the conversation and I turned my phone off. So, I turned my phone off an not even understand that she had taken it as I had just broken up with her over text message no less.
I remember my friend, Wes, we had gotten to our destination. It’s going to take a coupe of hours to get there 3 or 4. We got to our destination and I asked him, do you think I should bring my phone? And he said, no man, you’re fighting enough with her. Just let her cool down. Keep your phone in here. I said, ok, I’ll do that. So, I kept my phone in the car as we went on roller coaster rides and had a really, really fun time but of course there’s always that thing in the back of your mind where you’re wondering, well, what is she up to? What is she thinking? Is she like profusely apologizing? And so, I go to the car and I’m expecting my phone to be blown up with like 6 or 7 different text messages. I go to the car, we go to the car, you know, the parking lot whatever was, I look in my phone, there’s no text messages. Now, this has set me off because I was expecting, oh she’s going to be the one that texts me first. She didn’t. I ended up having to text her first and I said, hey, what’s up? Something very basic like that just trying to test the waters and she said, why are you talking to me? You just broke up with me? So, clearly it was a miscommunication.I had been under the assumption I’m done with the conversation. She had been under the assumption that I’m done with the relationship but this got me thinking. I was thinking, wait if she thinks that we’ve broken up and I had an opportunity to sit there and say, no, no I didn’t mean to break up with you, I was just meaning I was done with the conversation. I couldn’t take fighting with you anymore. I just needed a break but I got to thinking about how fun of a time I was having with Wes and even though it was kind of sad the fact that you know, I knew that eventually I was going to break up with her, I kind of had a fun time with him. It was a blast. I’m not going to lie and it felt like the world has been lifted off my shoulders because every time that we talked, every time that we communicated, it always ended in fight. There was immaturity in her part, there was immaturity on my part. I’m certainly going to take my share of the blame but one thing that’s important is that instead of taking the opportunity to try to clarify my meaning, I just left it because I thought my life is going to be so much stress free after this.
And so we went on, we had a great time, wes and I and eventually she didn’t text me for day. I remember around day 3 or 4 of this break up. I literally remember having an urged texter. It becomes such a habit at this time of my life. We were so used to texting each other all day everyday that it had become such a habit and just by habit I would pull up my phone and I’d have words typed in and then I’d stop myself and I’d say, wait. I am not going to break down and text her first. She’s going to have to text me. This is kind of the first insight I want to bring you if your’e wondering, what’s going through your ex’s mind? A lot of times men will just be stubborn and have this mindset, I hear a lot of women always asking me, why doesn’t he text me during the no contact rule? He’s supposed to text me, supposed to miss me. Well, if you’re exboyfriend is anything like me, there’s nothing that she would have done to get me to text her first. I had become so dead set on the idea that she was going to be the one to text me because in my mind that’s more powerful. It’s more powerful if you have a women texting you first because society looks at men in the same way. Men have to be the initiators. We have to initiate the conversations, we have to initiate the relationships, we have to initiate proposals for marriage. We have to initiate everything and in my mind at that point, I was not going to text her first. I had broken up with her. If she wanted to talk to me, then she was going to have to come to me. Did I want to hear from her? Of course I wanted to hear from her. Did I want her back at this point? I did not want her back. That’s the honest truth. I felt the world had lifted off my shoulders but every so subtly, ideas get crapping in my head. I started missing aspects of our relationship. It was fun to talk to a member of the opposite sex. I had only at this point of my life, really only talk to me. She was essentially the first woman that I ever got to communicate with and yeah, I mean we’re young, we’re immature but it’s an important insight, she was the woman that I was talking that I had grown used to and accustomed to and I missed talking to her. I did but I had become so stubborn about the fact that I was not going to be the one to break down. She was going to talk to me first. And so if you find yourself, stuck with a stubborn ex, it’s not that he doesn’t have feelings for you. He’s at this point, of course I still have feelings for her. I didn’t even really mean to break up with her I just essentially didn’t correct her.
Let’s talk a little bit about when she eventually did break down and talked to me. What happened to my emotions then? Well, I do remember very, very specifically around day 5 of the break up, she reached out to see how I was and I was a elated. In my mind, I had won the battle. The stand off battle, you have to understand, she was almost as stubborn I was but she was the one who extended the other branch first and now this is where things get really interesting and I’m going to be able to bring a lot of you ladies a lot of different insights. Instead of taking
and being nice to her back, I got arrogant and I was rude. I was mean to her. I don’t remember exactly what I said. That’s the honest truth. If I remember, If I had said, screw you, I hate you which I did not say that, I would tell you I promise. I literally don’t remember what I said to her but I remember I was very mean, and I did it on purpose and I did it because I wanted to hurt her, why? Because I was kind of hurting too. You know it was weird. My schedule was all thrown out of whack. I was angry and upset by the fact that every time that we talked we would always fight. That often times, her family played a big role in my kind of views of her. Her family was a little bit over–I don’t want to say protective because I can understand the need to want to protect you child but her family was a little too much for me. They did things to me that kind of freaked me out a little bit. So, all of this was kind of going through my mind and it caused me to be kind of very angry and upset.
So, instead of really, really engaging her in a conversation and I’m trying to be friends because in my mind, I was never going to be friends with someone I dated. I thought that was the dumbest thing in the world. In a way, I think it’s kind of the truth. I don’t think you can get an ex back, if you were just friends with him. I think you have to shoot for more. Did I want her back at this point? Not necessarily. I wanted to be chased. The important thing though is I often found myself remembering the good times of our relationship. She was my first real girlfriend. So, there’s a lot of firsts there. What she should have done was take those firsts and really hone in on them and aggravate them for me so, that I missed her more and sort of actively wanting her back. But instead I was mean to her and then she retreated because of that and she was trying to figure me out. I remember she got her best friend to call me. I remember her best friend and I talked, and her best friend was talking about the fact that she’s just wondering how you’re doing? She just wants to know if you’re ok and I told her yeah, I’m ok and then I ended up talking to her best friend for three hours. I’m not even kidding. Literally like day 7 or 8 or the break up, her best friend calls me up obviously trying to get information on me because she’s going to report it back to my ex. I talked to her for 3 hours and I did that purposely because I knew that my ex was setting this as essentially a spy to spy on me and report on my whereabouts but I talked to her for 3 hours and I did my best to make her laugh. I did my best to flirt with her and I did this to make my ex jealous. I wanted her to realize what she had lost. I didn’t do this because I wanted her back. I did this because I was being a jerk. That’s the honest truth. I wanted to make her jealous and I wanted her to feel pain because she had caused me a lot of pain. Even though, I know the logic is strange. I was the one who broke up with her technically. I didn’t mean to but technically speaking, I was the one who broke up with her. So, why would I hold resentment to your ex?
Well, often times, you’ll find me on exboyfriend recovery talking about this idea that men often hold themselves as victims. They’re the victims because you weren’t good enough right? They paint themselves in the victim roles, even when they’re the oppressors. I clearly was painting myself in the victim role. In my mind, she had wronged me. We were fighting because it was her fault. I didn’t really take any part of the blame back then. In my mind, everything I did was right and everything she did was wrong. I was going to do everything I could to irk her and make her realize that she made a mistake because what’s better than having a woman wanting you back? because having a woman want you back, being able to deny her, basically it’s the ultimate revenge and that is what I wanted at that point. I was doing anything I could to piss her off. That’s the truth. I wasn’t doing this because I was in love with her. I was doing this because I was in pain. As time went on, as the months went on, I just kind of started feeling worse and worse and worse. I started missing her more and more and more and there was a point, where I remember, I was literally taking a shower and I was thinking, you know, I bet if I really tried, I could get her back. I literally remember I had this moment where I thought, yeah, I’m going to try to get her back. So, there was a moment. There was a little small window of opportunity where she and I could have gotten back together. I actively tried to get her back. Not very hard because all it took was one phone conversation with her before we started fighting again and that pretty much sealed the deal for me.
So, one thing as important is I started off this break up really happy that we broke up because to me, it literally felt like I was carrying 50 lbs, well a 115 lbs with me every single day. I couldn’t do anything to shed it and finally we had broken up and it was like almost the ultimate get out of jail free card because I’m stubborn. I was going to do what I could to make the relationship survive. I’m just that way. I’m very loyal when it comes to relationships but I kind of got a get out of jail free card without really even meaning to break up with her. It felt like the weight have been lifted off my shoulders. It felt like wow, this was the right decision but ever so subtly, the pain started kicking in. The withdrawal started kicking in. I started realizing, wow, I kind of miss her. I miss this aspect of the relationship. I just missed talking to someone who’s not a dude. I started thinking, you know what I think we should try. I think we should try. We got into one conversation over the phone. She’s said something. I said something. We just started going back and forth arguing. Any kind of chance that I would have had of taking her back, and I was actively trying to win her back because I understood men are the initiators. We have to be the ones that do this kind of things. So, any kind of good will that had been bought over this no contact period where we it wasn’t that long. It was like 14 days of not even talking when I had come to this conclusion essentially. Any goodwill that was we do we get back together, even if this relationship survives this is how it will be all the time. This is just how our personalities clash. I dig in thinking I’m right, she digs in thinking she’s right. We don’t really ever communicate problems.
during that period went out the window the second we started fighting, Why? Because in my mind, it was just more of the same stuff. Even if
Often times I’m too scared to tell her. I think she’s too scared to tell me the truth because I had proof that she was really falling for someone else while she was with me. That brings me to my next point. This is more kind of the ladies listening to this. We’re going through break ups and are wanting their exes back. Obviously there was a small window time where I actively tried to get her back, and then we talked on the phone and then that was it. That was it. To give you a little bit more of a back story here. Often through a relationship, she had a guy friend. RIght? Which was probably like ok. You know. Beautiful women have men attracted to them. I understand this. It’s just the way the world works but one thing that I didn’t quite jive with, one thing I didn’t like too much was the fact that she always talked to this guy all the time and found that very strange. She was talking to him more than she was talking to me, her actual boyfriend. That’s weird to me. And then I learned that before me, she had tried everything she could to date this guy. So, clearly I
knew she had some hang up about him. She wanted him and then after we broke up, the first relationship she got into was with this guy. That pretty much sealed the deal for me again. That just further reiterated I made the right choice. I made the absolute right choice. But I also used my time to really think about what I wanted in the future in the future. I really didn’t sit on my hands and just played dead and hoped the pain would go away.. I actively started doing stuff. I wanted to take up sports. So, I took up tennis. I actively wanted to go on more dates because I’ve always been kind of shy talking to girls. So I went on lots of dates. Didn’t kiss any of them actually, I didn’t do any with them. They all actually were a bore to me but at least I went out there and did something. I didn’t sit on my hands and basically let the break up beat me. I decided I was going to be the one to beat the break up. I tried to make more friends. I spent more time with people who I actually cared about. I supposed to really spending time for people who I didn’t care about which is what happened before when I was with her. In ultimately, I’ll never forget, I was at my best friend’s house when she called him. She called him really angry and upset with her current boyfriend the guy that she was kind of hang up on when we were dating. And she’s told him, he’s not like Chris.
He doesn’t treat me like I feel I should be treated. Chris has set to high of a bar. She didn’t tell this to me. She told this to my friend and I was standing right there. It just was a happy coincidence but it made me feel good. It made me feel good because she was starting to see what she lost. I had already gotten to a point where I never was going to take her back. I was too happy. So, that I guess, when you’re looking at this experience, when I’m explaining this experience to you. I’ve never really gone into detail like this before because quite frankly it’s in the past. It doesn’t really matter that much and who likes reminiscing about their heartbroken times? But for you I did but of course when you look at this over all experience, I started out never wanting to get her back and there was a small of window of opportunity that she had to essentially prove to me that she was worth getting back because I wasn’t just going to go with her and say I want you back. I love you. Take me back, blah, blah. I talked to her. I wanted to kind of get a sense if it would be a smart decision for us to get back together. I understand when emotions run high, logic runs low. Relationships are often so emotional. You don’t ever put logic into them but it’s important if you’re going to have a long term sustainable relationship and ultimately this small window of opportunity was flopped up the second we fought. It just further reiterated that we are not a good fit together.
So, how can you use this for your situation? The first thing that’s coming to mind is, the fact that really, even if it seems impossible at first. Even if he hates you, there will eventually be a time where he considers the idea in his mind. But it’s how you use that time, and it’s how you’re interactions go with him that will ultimately turn him in one way or the other. Who knows what would have happened if we had great conversations. If we got emotional again, if we started telling each other that we loved each other? If we snuck out to see each other? If we were super romantic? I’m pretty sure if those kind of things happened, we would have gotten back together and it would have been exciting. It would have been at that time, I think a huge mistake. We were never going to be fit together but she could have done those things. She could have won me back if she took that small window of opportunity and taken advantage of it but she didn’t. Instead we got into a fight. Instead I just further realized this is not the right person for you. It’s so hard to have that kind of insight when you’re actually in a relationship with a person. It’s so hard to tap that kind of insight when you’re loyal to the person, you’re going to do anything you can to make sure the relationship survives until the end of time. I feel I’ve always been one of those people that had been really hard to convince to get into a relationship. Once I’m in a relationship, I fight to make it survive until the end of time. And she was not that way, she was younger than me. She wanted more immature things I think. We were just not a great fit together but the important key point I want to leave you with today is that there are small windows of opportunities and you need to take advantage while you can because if you flop that window of opportunity, this is the kind of thing where it’s like, oh, you failed the test, don’t worry, there’ll be another one. There are finite amount of chances. There are finite amount of shots on goal where you either score or you fail. That is a fact. That’s how this works. So, take advantage of your window of opportunity while you can.
Alright so, that was a really long winded kind of personal note from the heart for me which I really ever do. I kind of like to keep the focus on you more than me but this has been kind of a one of a kind episode. I’m really kind of curious to hear what you guys think about it. So, hit me up on the comments section of the website in the show notes of this episode. I’m really eager to hear what you guys have to say about this. Hopefully I have left you some really interesting insights when it comes to men and breakups and kind of the thought process behind a man going through an actual break up. It kind of goes without saying that each break up is unique. It has it’s own thought process. I would have had a completely different thought process if she had cheated on me and I had caught her cheating, sleeping with a guy or something. Completely different thought process but I think, I’ve never been cheated on. At least to my knowledge, who knows but the thought process I can give you is only my own experience and this is it. This is the best one I can think of to provide you with the best insight. So, if you’re enjoying this episodes, if you want to hear me pour my heart out, my soul out on this podcast, please leave a rating and review on itunes. I’m going to link to the itunes page in the show notes of this episode. As always, we’re excited to have you. I’m really happy that you stuck through this and if you did stick to this, you’ve got patience which I’m happy that you have but yeah if you leave that rating and review or subscribe to this podcast on itunes, we would be eternally grateful, the exrecovery team and I, I guess until next time guy. I’ll talk to you later.