Gather round, gentle viewers!

It’s storytime!

I got a really interesting question the other day from a woman whose name I’m not going to even try to pronounce…




Ugh, I give up.

Nevertheless, this awesome lady asked,

Can you just tell me what the heck is going on in his head?

And this got me thinking,

You know what, I can!

So, I decided to peel back the layers and tell you guys some of the things that my fellow men don’t want out there. Now, this is really good stuff because I am going to be going into some of my own breakups and the thoughts that had influenced my actions.

My hope is that as you listen to my epic (kind of lame) story you will be able to bridge the gap between your ex boyfriend and you.

After all, don’t all women wonder what the heck is going on inside the head of a man right after a breakup.


You there…

Yes, you, the person reading the show notes of this episode.

Why haven’t you subscribed or left an honest rating or review for this podcast yet?

It’s super easy.

All you have to do is click on this link and subscribe.

You have no idea how much that will help out!


Just DO IT!

Alright, let’s begin!

Interview Transcript

  • Hey, hey, hey what’s up and welcome to another fine episode of the exboyfriend recovery podcast. Again as always, we are happy to have you here today. We’re going to be kind of doing something a little bit different in today’s episode. Normally what I do in–I think I’m going to still follow the same format is I generally take listener questions, dissect them and do my very, very best to answer them but today, I’d thought I’d get a little bit more general with it. There is a listener who had a question specifically about what’s going through your ex boyfriend’s head and if you’re trying to get him back or if you’re doing something like the no contact rule or some type of strategy to get him back and I figured instead of just giving you a bullet format list. I dived in a little bit into the psyche of my break ups. So, you can really get a first hand account of not only my experience going through break ups and my experience of what I have felt, what I have thought, what I have done, after I’ve gone through a break up. And also just one thing to keep in mind as you’re listening to this podcast is most of the people listening to this podcast are going to be predominantly women. That’s just the way it is. I’m sure we do have some males who listen to this podcast trying to reverse engineer how they can use this for women but in that line of thinking, ex boyfriend recovery is just one of my two big websites dealing with break ups, heartbreak, getting exes back if that’s something that you want to do or even getting over an ex. The other big website that I own is called ex girlfriend recovery. There I’ve worked with thousands of men who have gone through break ups. Now, is it a perfect sample of men? No, not necessarily because these are men who are actively trying to get their exes back mostly but it does kind of give me a little bit more insight in the average person out there when it comes to break ups.

    So, I thought what Id do is just dive into my own persona experience and my experience of helping others go through break ups, specifically men. So, I can give you some of the insights of what is going on in man’s mind during a break up but of course before we could start it, before I play this voice mail from a woman named Jawirah. Hopefully I said that name correctly. Sometimes I’m the master of butchering names as you’ll find but before we dive into that, I think it will be really, really smart to ask you to subscribe to this podcast. If you’re enjoying the content here, if you’re liking the content, if you’re getting a lot of out of this please take literally a second out of your day. Go to our itunes page and hit subscribe or you can leave an honest rating and review. Any one of those reactions can immensely help this podcast out. If everyone listening were to do this, I’m pretty sure we’d be rated number 1 in all of itunes. So I guess, this is me trying to call in a few favors, trying to get this podcast to get a little bit more attention because I do know, the vast majority of the people who I work with in our private support group listen to this podcast and are kind of die hard fans of it. I can’t tell you how much emails, how many personal messages on Facebook that I get from people saying I listened to your podcast, it was so inspiring. Thank you so much. I’ve never really thought about this situation this way. So, really in order to keep this podcast afloat, keep it moving, we do need those ratings and reviews, we also need as many subscribers as we can get. So, if you haven’t already done so, if you’re enjoying this, if it’s become a part of your daily habit, if you’re listening to this while you’re working out, while you’re doing the dishes, what have you, normally that’s when I listen to podcasts, just please take a moment of your time and just leave an honest rating and review. Again, I’m not going to ask you to leave a glowing review if you don’t think this content is glowing but subscribe and leave that honest rating and review and we would be, me, the exrecovery team and of course my wife who is essentially the master mind behind the operation, we would be all very, very grateful if you did that. Alright so, without further a do. Enough of the pitching, let’s get right down to the meat of this content. I’m going to be playing a voice mail for you from one of my students named Jawirah. She’s wondering about the no contact rule and what’s going through her exes mind and like I said, I thought I’d springboard this and talk a little bit about what men are thinking throughout the break up and how you can dissect some of their actions. So, Im going to play that for you right now.

  • I broke my no contact rule after a week of being broken up with my boyfriend and well, he added me back on Facebook. I didn’t know why I was deleted off in the first place because he said he didn’t do it and he said he loves me, misses me last night and this morning I am deleted off his Facebook, blocked off his Instagram. I’m still on his snapchat but I’m just wondering what’s happening and I’m wondering what’s going through his head if you can–

  • Hey, I just want to actually apologize. If you’re listening that voice mail got cut off at the end. A little bit after you can’t really even hear what she’s asking but I think we have enough here to kind of create a pretty good episode. This is probably the first one I’ve ever done where I’ve actually talked about my own personal experience with break ups. But let’s kind of quickly recap her situation and talk specifically about one thing that she did wrong. So, even though I know she didn’t say her name. Her name is actually Jawirah and she’s basically saying that she broke the no contact rule after a week of being broken up. So, it seems like she broke up with her ex or he broke up with her. That’s sort of what I’m assuming as is the case with most of the people I worked, they’re often the ones who have been broken up with. It seems to me that right after this break up she went right into a no contact rule which is the smartest thing that you can do but she only lasted a week before she essentially just texted him. He hasn’t blocked her on all types of social media except–there’s a few exceptions but ultimately she’s just kind of wondering what’s going though his head and it’s always tough when you get blocked in social media. You feel like a part of your communication 07:07 is essentially cut off and you can’t use it but I think understanding the psyche of why he did this and what’s going through his head is really quite important but before we jump into that, I do want to point out that you made one major mistake and that is simply breaking the no contact rule too early.

    One thing that’s been clear in our research and in our independent studies is that people who we’ve worked with who have gotten their exes back, around 70% of our success stories and I actually believe the number is higher than this, 70% of our overall success stories have utilized the no contact rule in some way shape or form. Now, that’s important because the no contact rule is the foundation upon which every thing is built if you’re trying to get your ex back. It serves as a kind of reset button to reset you and your ex and kind of start a new. Now, do you always start anew like from square one? No, not necessarily. There’s always things like the break up, what caused the break up if there’s cheating involved, if there’s another girl that he’s dating. All of this stuff does matter but no matter what, you’re always just starting point is going to be the no contact rule and staying no contact for a week, staying in the no contact rule for a week isn’t going to get you too far. Ultimately the lowest no contact rule that I would even go out of my way to recommend is a 21 day rule. I would say, that’s more rare than the 30 day rule. I think for an average situation probably like yours I’d recommend a 30 day rule. The thinking behind that is if you feel like there’s a huge sense of urgency that you have to talk to your ex ahead of time or that he’s reaching out to you a lot during the no contact rule, maybe the 21 day rule is for you. But generally speaking here, I always want to start with the 30 day rule. But I think you understand that breaking the no contact rule was a mistake. You’re probably more interested in what’s going through your ex’s mind.

    So, what I’d like to do is just talk specifically about what goes through a normal average male’s mind during a break up and really I can only draw on my personal experience and also the experience that I’ve had with working with other male individuals who have gone through break ups themselves. I guess we’ll start with the easy part and this is my experience. I’ve actually been fortunate that I have never in my life been broken up with. I haven’t had too many long relationships. I’ve always just sort of dated and never have wanted to get into a relationship. I actually think I could literally count my long term relationships on one hand but there’s one that specifically comes to mind and that was with my very, very first girlfriend ever. Now, one thing that you have to understand is at this time I was about 19 years old when we broke up. I’m 28 now. So, I’ve had a lot of time to think through the mistakes I made in that relationship and the mistakes on how I handled the break up. So, to put this in context. I ended up breaking up with my ex girlfriend. There was a lot of different reasons why but the funny story behind it is that I actually never really meant to break up with her. Towards the end of our relationship, we had been fighting a lot and when I say fighting I mean screaming matches, arguments. I think we would average like a fight every other day. It will always be pretty much around the same thing. I was insecure about the fact that she was flirting with other guys and I would often–would not do anything unprovoked but she would do or say or take an action that made think she wasn’t trustworthy and of course I would kind of call her on it which of course she would push back and then of course I would push back and then what do you know, you’re into a mental shoving match. We never shoved physically or anything like that but we often sparred back and forth with words and I remember in many cases this drained me completely. I remember, it all came to our head one night when I actually have to go to bed early because I was waking up very, very early. My best friend at that time was going to come to my house at 5 am, we were going to take a road trip all the way down to Dallas , Texas where I believe there’s a kind of amusement park. And so, we were going to go to this amusement park and we’re just going to have fun. We had just fresh graduated highschool. We were about to enter college, we were just going to have one last hurrah before we entered college and she didn’t like the fact that I was going with him.

    But she never really said anything about it to me in that moment. All that I remember is that we fought the night before this road trip. I do remember I woke up at 5 am, I basically ended up hanging up on her and I went to bed after that. I remember waking up the very, very next day. I remember he picked up me up at 5 am, so if you know me, I’m like  a vampire. I hate waking up early but I was excited to go with him. It’s not often you get to go on an exciting road trip with your best friend. So, we’re going on this road trip right and I remember thinking, should I text her? Should I just kind of like lay off today or just not engage in that today? Of course curiosity on how she was going to apologize because typically what ended up happening is that either one of us would apologize first and we were both very stubborn people. I’ll just put it that way. So often times I would apologize and then she would apologize and then I would apologize and I remember thinking very clearly, I’m going to make her apologize. I don’t remember, it was something stupid we fought over but of course she wasn’t very apologetic over text. She was angry which of course, I took as kind of feeling slighted and then we kind of got into a texting argument. I remember literally texting her, this is going to sound horrible. I remember literally texting her, “Look. I’m through with this. I’m done.” in the context, I meant I’m done with the conversation. Like I’m willing to fight but I’m done with the conversation and I turned my phone off. So, I turned my phone off an not even understand that she had taken it as I had just broken up with her over text message no less.

    I remember my friend, Wes, we had gotten to our destination. It’s going to take a coupe of hours to get there 3 or 4. We got to our destination and I asked him, do you think I should bring my phone? And he said, no man, you’re fighting enough with her. Just let her cool down. Keep your phone in here. I said, ok, I’ll do that. So, I kept my phone in the car as we went on roller coaster rides and had a really, really fun time but of course there’s always that thing in the back of your mind where you’re wondering, well, what is she up to? What is she thinking? Is she like profusely apologizing? And so, I go to the car and I’m expecting my phone to be blown up with like 6 or 7 different text messages. I go to the car, we go to the car, you know, the parking lot whatever was, I look in my phone, there’s no text messages. Now, this has set me off because I was expecting, oh she’s going to be the one that texts me first. She didn’t. I ended up having to text her first and I said, hey, what’s up? Something very basic like that just trying to test the waters and she said, why are you talking to me? You just broke up with me? So, clearly it was a miscommunication.I had been under the assumption I’m done with the conversation. She had been under the assumption that I’m done with the relationship but this got me thinking. I was thinking, wait if she thinks that we’ve broken up and I had an opportunity to sit there and say, no, no I didn’t mean to break up with you, I was just meaning I was done with the conversation. I couldn’t take fighting with you anymore. I just needed a break but I got to thinking about how fun of a time I was having with Wes and even though it was kind of sad the fact that you know, I knew that eventually I was going to break up with her, I kind of had a fun time with him. It was a blast. I’m not going to lie and it felt like the world has been lifted off my shoulders because every time that we talked, every time that we communicated, it always ended in fight. There was immaturity in her part, there was immaturity on my part. I’m certainly going to take my share of the blame but one thing that’s important is that instead of taking the opportunity to try to clarify my meaning, I just left it because I thought my life is going to be so much stress free after this.

    And so we went on, we had a great time, wes and I and eventually she didn’t text me for day. I remember around day  3 or 4 of this break up. I literally remember having an urged texter. It becomes such a habit at this time of my life. We were so used to texting each other all day everyday that it had become such a habit and just by habit I would pull up my phone and I’d have words typed in and then I’d stop myself and I’d say, wait. I am not going to break down and text her first. She’s going to have to text me. This is kind of the first insight I want to bring you if your’e wondering, what’s going through your ex’s mind? A lot of times men will just be stubborn and have this mindset, I hear a lot of women always asking me, why doesn’t he text me during the no contact rule? He’s supposed to text me, supposed to miss me. Well, if you’re exboyfriend is anything like me, there’s nothing that she would have done to get me to text her first. I had become so dead set on the idea that she was going to be the one to text me because in my mind that’s more powerful. It’s more powerful if you have a women texting you first because society looks at men in the same way. Men have to be the initiators. We have to initiate the conversations, we have to initiate the relationships, we have to initiate proposals for marriage. We have to initiate everything and in my mind at that point, I was not going to text her first. I had broken up with her. If she wanted to talk to me, then she was going to have to come to me. Did I want to hear from her? Of course I wanted to hear from her. Did I want her back at this point? I did not want her back. That’s the honest truth. I felt the world had lifted off my shoulders but every so subtly, ideas get crapping in my head. I started missing aspects of our relationship. It was fun to talk to a member of the opposite sex. I had only at this point of my life, really only talk to me. She was essentially the first woman that I ever got to communicate with and yeah, I mean we’re young, we’re immature but it’s an important insight, she was the woman that I was talking that I had grown used to and accustomed to and I missed talking to her. I did but I had become so stubborn about the fact that I was not going to be the one to break down. She was going to talk to me first. And so if you find yourself, stuck with a stubborn ex, it’s not that he doesn’t have feelings for you. He’s at this point, of course I still have feelings for her. I didn’t even really mean to break up with her I just essentially didn’t correct her.

    Let’s talk a little bit about when she eventually did break down and talked to me. What happened to my emotions then? Well, I do remember very, very specifically around day 5 of the break up, she reached out to see how I was and I was a elated. In my mind, I had won the battle. The stand off battle, you have to understand, she was almost as stubborn I was but she was the one who extended the other branch first and now this is where things get really interesting and I’m going to be able to bring a lot of you ladies a lot of different insights. Instead of taking 19:46 and being nice to her back, I got arrogant and I was rude. I was mean to her. I don’t remember exactly what I said. That’s the honest truth. If I remember, If I had said, screw you, I hate you which I did not say that, I would tell you I promise. I literally don’t remember what I said to her but I remember I was very mean, and I did it on purpose and I did it because I wanted to hurt her, why? Because I was kind of hurting too. You know it was weird. My schedule was all thrown out of whack. I was angry and upset by the fact that every time that we talked we would always fight. That often times, her family played a big role in my kind of views of her. Her family was a little bit over–I don’t want to say protective because I can understand the need to want to protect you child but her family was a little too much for me. They did things to me that kind of freaked me out a little bit. So, all of this was kind of going through my mind and it caused me to be kind of very angry and upset.

    So, instead of really, really engaging her in a conversation and I’m trying to be friends because in my mind, I was never going to be friends with someone I dated. I thought that was the dumbest thing in the world. In a way, I think it’s kind of the truth. I don’t think you can get an ex back, if you were just friends with him. I think you have to shoot for more. Did I want her back at this point? Not necessarily. I wanted to be chased. The important thing though is I often found myself remembering the good times of our relationship. She was my first real girlfriend. So, there’s a lot of firsts there. What she should have done was take those firsts and really hone in on them and aggravate them for me so, that I missed her more and sort of actively wanting her back. But instead I was mean to her and then she retreated because of that and she was trying to figure me out. I remember she got her best friend to call me. I remember her best friend and I talked, and her best friend was talking about the fact that she’s just wondering how you’re doing? She just wants to know if you’re ok and I told her yeah, I’m ok and then I ended up talking to her best friend for three hours. I’m not even kidding. Literally like day 7 or 8 or the break up, her best friend calls me up obviously trying to get information on me because she’s going to report it back to my ex. I talked to her for 3 hours and I did that purposely because I knew that my ex was setting this as essentially a spy to spy on me and report on my whereabouts but I talked to her for 3 hours and I did my best to make her laugh. I did my best to flirt with her and I did this to make my ex jealous. I wanted her to realize what she had lost. I didn’t do this because I wanted her back. I did this because I was being a jerk. That’s the honest truth. I wanted to make her jealous and I wanted her to feel pain because she had caused me a lot of pain. Even though, I know the logic is strange. I was the one who broke up with her technically. I didn’t mean to but technically speaking, I was the one who broke up with her. So, why would I hold resentment to your ex?

    Well, often times, you’ll find me on exboyfriend recovery talking about this idea that men often hold themselves as victims. They’re the victims because you weren’t good enough right? They paint themselves in the victim roles, even when they’re the oppressors. I clearly was painting myself in the victim role. In my mind, she had wronged me. We were fighting because it was her fault. I didn’t really take any part of the blame back then. In my mind, everything I did was right and everything she did was wrong. I was going to do everything I could to irk her and make her realize that she made a mistake because what’s better than having a woman wanting you back? because having a woman want you back, being able to deny her, basically it’s the ultimate revenge and that is what I wanted at that point. I was doing anything I could to piss her off. That’s the truth. I wasn’t doing this because I was in love with her. I was doing this because I was in pain. As time went on, as the months went on, I just kind of started feeling worse and worse and worse. I started missing her more and more and more and there was a point, where I remember, I was literally taking a shower and I was thinking, you know, I bet if I really tried, I could get her back. I literally remember I had this moment where I thought, yeah, I’m going to try to get her back. So, there was a moment. There was a little small window of opportunity where she and I could have gotten back together. I actively tried to get her back. Not very hard because all it took was one phone conversation with her before we started fighting again and that pretty much sealed the deal for me.

    So, one thing as important is I started off this break up really happy that we broke up because to me, it literally felt like I was carrying 50 lbs, well a 115 lbs with me every single day. I couldn’t do anything to shed it and finally we had broken up and it was like almost the ultimate get out of jail free card because I’m stubborn. I was going to do what I could to make the relationship survive. I’m just that way. I’m very loyal when it comes to relationships but I kind of got a get out of jail free card without really even meaning to break up with her. It felt like the weight have been lifted off my shoulders. It felt like wow, this was the right decision but ever so subtly, the pain started kicking in. The withdrawal started kicking in. I started realizing, wow, I kind of miss her. I miss this aspect of the relationship. I just missed talking to someone who’s not a dude. I started thinking, you know what I think we should try. I think we should try. We got into one conversation over the phone. She’s said something. I said something. We just started going back and forth arguing. Any kind of chance that I would have had of taking her back, and I was actively trying to win her back because I understood men are the initiators. We have to be the ones that do this kind of things. So, any kind of good will that had been bought over this no contact period where we it wasn’t that long. It was like 14 days of not even talking when I had come to this conclusion essentially. Any goodwill that was 26:40 during that period went out the window the second we started fighting, Why? Because in my mind, it was just more of the same stuff. Even if we do we get back together, even if this relationship survives this is how it will be all the time. This is just how our personalities clash. I dig in thinking I’m right, she digs in thinking she’s right. We don’t really ever communicate problems.

    Often times I’m too scared to tell her. I think she’s too scared to tell me the truth because I had proof that she was really falling for someone else while she was with me. That brings me to my next point. This is more kind of the ladies listening to this. We’re going through break ups and are wanting their exes back. Obviously there was a small window time where I actively tried to get her back, and then we talked on the phone and then that was it. That was it. To give you a little bit more of a back story here. Often through a relationship, she had a guy friend. RIght? Which was probably like ok. You know. Beautiful women have men attracted to them. I understand this. It’s just the way the world works but one thing that I didn’t quite jive with, one thing I didn’t like too much was the fact that she always talked to this guy all the time and found that very strange. She was talking to him more than she was talking to me, her actual boyfriend. That’s weird to me. And then I learned that before me, she had tried everything she could to date this guy. So, clearly I

    knew she had some hang up about him. She wanted him and then after we broke up, the first relationship she got into was with this guy. That pretty much sealed the deal for me again. That just further reiterated I made the right choice. I made the absolute right choice. But I also used my time to really think about what I wanted in the future in the future. I really didn’t sit on my hands and just played dead and hoped the pain would go away.. I actively started doing stuff. I wanted to take up sports. So, I took up tennis. I actively wanted to go on more dates because I’ve always been kind of shy talking to girls. So I went on lots of dates. Didn’t kiss any of them actually, I didn’t do any with them. They all actually were a bore to me but at least I went out there and did something. I didn’t sit on my hands and basically let the break up beat me. I decided I was going to be the one to beat the break up. I tried to make more friends. I spent more time with people who I actually cared about. I supposed to really spending time for people who I didn’t care about which is what happened before when I was with her. In ultimately, I’ll never forget, I was at my best friend’s house when she called him. She called him really angry and upset with her current boyfriend the guy that she was kind of hang up on when we were dating. And she’s told him, he’s not like Chris.

    He doesn’t treat me like I feel I should be treated. Chris has set to high of a bar. She didn’t tell this to me. She told this to my friend and I was standing right there. It just was a happy coincidence but it made me feel good. It made me feel good because she was starting to see what she lost. I had already gotten to a point where I never was going to take her back. I was too happy. So, that I guess, when you’re looking at this experience, when I’m explaining this experience to you. I’ve never really gone into detail like this before because quite frankly it’s in the past. It doesn’t really matter that much and who likes reminiscing about their heartbroken times? But for you I did but of course when you look at this over all experience, I started out never wanting to get her back and there was a small of window of opportunity that she had to essentially prove to me that she was worth getting back because I wasn’t just going to go with her and say I want you back. I love you. Take me back, blah, blah. I talked to her. I wanted to kind of get a sense if it would be a smart decision for us to get back together. I understand when emotions run high, logic runs low. Relationships are often so emotional. You don’t ever put logic into them but it’s important if you’re going to have a long term sustainable relationship and ultimately this small window of opportunity was flopped up the second we fought. It just further reiterated that we are not a good fit together.

    So, how can you use this for your situation? The first thing that’s coming to mind is, the fact that really, even if it seems impossible at first. Even if he hates you, there will eventually be a time where he considers the idea in his mind. But it’s how you use that time, and it’s how you’re interactions go with him that will ultimately turn him in one way or the other. Who knows what would have happened if we had great conversations. If we got emotional again, if we started telling each other that we loved each other? If we snuck out to see each other? If we were super romantic? I’m pretty sure if those kind of things happened, we would have gotten back together and it would have been exciting. It would have been at that time, I think a huge mistake. We were never going to be fit together but she could have done those things. She could have won me back if she took that small window of opportunity and taken advantage of it but she didn’t. Instead we got into a fight. Instead I just further realized this is not the right person for you. It’s so hard to have that kind of insight when you’re actually in a relationship with a person. It’s so hard to tap that kind of insight when you’re loyal to the person, you’re going to do anything you can to make sure the relationship survives until the end of time. I feel I’ve always been one of those people that had been really hard to convince to get into a relationship. Once I’m in a relationship, I fight to make it survive until the end of time. And she was not that way, she was younger than me. She wanted more immature things I think. We were just not a great fit together but the important key point I want to leave you with today is that there are small windows of opportunities and you need to take advantage while you can because if you flop that window of opportunity, this is the kind of thing where it’s like, oh, you failed the test, don’t worry, there’ll be another one. There are finite amount of chances. There are finite amount of shots on goal where you either score or you fail. That is a fact. That’s how this works. So, take advantage of your window of opportunity while you can.

    Alright so, that was a really long winded kind of personal note from the heart for me which I really ever do. I kind of like to keep the focus on you more than me but this has been kind of a one of a kind episode. I’m really kind of curious to hear what you guys think about it. So, hit me up on the comments section of the website in the show notes of this episode. I’m really eager to hear what you guys have to say about this. Hopefully I have left you some really interesting insights when it comes to men and breakups and kind of the thought process behind a man going through an actual break up. It kind of goes without saying that each break up is unique. It has it’s own thought process. I would have had a completely different thought process if she had cheated on me and I had caught her cheating, sleeping with a guy or something. Completely different thought process but I think, I’ve never been cheated on. At least to my knowledge, who knows but the thought process I can give you is only my own experience and this is it. This is the best one I can think of to provide you with the best insight. So, if you’re enjoying this episodes, if you want to hear me pour my heart out, my soul out on this podcast, please leave a rating and review on itunes. I’m going to link to the itunes page in the show notes of this episode. As always, we’re excited to have you. I’m really happy that you stuck through this and if you did stick to this, you’ve got patience which I’m happy that you have but yeah if you leave that rating and review or subscribe to this podcast on itunes, we would be eternally grateful, the exrecovery team and I, I guess until next time guy. I’ll talk to you later.

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25 thoughts on “The Thought Process Of A Man Going Through A Break Up”

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    November 20, 2019 at 7:13 pm

    My ex reached out to me 1 day after he broke up with me and said he wanted us to pray for our relationship. Which is normal for us, but I was under the impression there was no relationship and I wanted to know if that meant we were working on us. He broke up with me because all we did is fight. Every day. I don’t think he has cheated, but he lied to me about things and that’s what created the fights. Well when he told me that I wanted to know what he meant by it. He said it didn’t mean he wanted a relationship. So of course I got emotional and it created another argument. Would you say this was the only chance I had at making him want to work it out with me? I have never done the NC and I’m doing it now and only on day 5. He has not reached out to me anymore.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 1:30 pm

      Hi Marie, so if you havent yet make sure you complete a NC starting the day after you last spoke to him. And in that time work on yourself to become Ungettable and then reach out to him as a friend later down the line.

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    December 30, 2018 at 12:11 pm

    My ex boyfriend dumped me after dating for 3 months and 2 days.He said he wants to focus on his life and he can’t give his time for me anymore.He said he’s no longer happy when he can’t focus on our relationship.He told me I won’t be happy too and to just find someone who can takes care for me.He chose his family over me.He’s scared that he won’t meet his parents expectations and just because his mum told me she doesn’t want him to have a gf yet,he dumped me without considering my feelings.He said he only wants to be friends with me.He even told me that he won’t be angry if I’ve already moved on.And he told me he is breaking up with me before it’s too late because it’d be harder for us if we were to break up after a long-term.He said our relationship was kinda just like friends so it won’t hurt me much.When I asked him if he no longer loves me,he said he still does but he just can’t think about relationship anymore.He also made it sure that he isn’t seeing or interested in anyone else.When I asked him if we still have a chance after school,he first was like”Let’s just be friends till we graduate and then we go out again”then he suddenly was like”I don’t know if we can still meet after school because we both will be busy with work.Let’s just be Friends.”It’s been 3 weeks since the breakup.He looks happy and doing OK with his friends.He also becomes to hang out with female friends(those girls are my fris too)more than before.I no longer contact him but I see him at school every day plus he is my classmate!He seems like he isn’t affected by my existence.Does it mean he’s moved on completely?Does it mean he no longer has feelings for me?He told me he still loves me so.I doubt it tho.Do we really not have another chance?I really love him and I just can’t let go easily.Our country is really poor and I’m yet to be 18 so I can’t even afford the relationship coachs or their e books.So is there any way that I can do to get him back?You can see I am really desperate.I pretend to be emotionally stable in front of him but no!Deep inside,I am dying.He used to see his future with me.He even told me about marriage many times!How could he change his mind?(P.S there wasn’t any fight or conflict before break up.We were hanging out at school as usual, then when we returned home,I got a breakup msg from him)

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 30, 2018 at 11:14 pm

      Hi Phoo!

      Probably best to embrace a sensible ex recovery plan, not just for the sake of trying to get him back, but also for your ongoing healing and recovery. Visit my home page as I list out a lot of resources and tools for you to make use of.

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    December 28, 2018 at 9:40 am

    I have been with my boyfriend for about 1 and a half years. We’ve been LDR and later he moved to a city next to mine(a two-hour train ride). We were very close and loved each other but then a new situation occured. I was a person of great insecurity and it has been 2 months already that we fought a lot and hang up on each other’s phone calls but usually problems were solved overnight or in one or two days. However, two weeks ago I was at his place and we had a big fight the other night and the next morning he declared the break up and said that it was over. We were both angry at each other. Following that I wrote to him talking about my regrets and that I was sorry and that we could be together if we try(I didn’t know NC yet). He replied eventually saying stop messaging him and later even called me for a closure(while I was talking about we could get together and try), and on the phone I sensed he was still angry and reluctant to believe that I would change etc. and hang off the phone. The same day he sent me a long message saying that all the fightings and everything made him unhappy and we were two different ppl and it was over. I was very depressed and at loss. I wanna get him back but I don’t know what to follow next. Should I contact him again? Thanks for the advice.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 29, 2018 at 2:26 am

      Hi Rachel!

      I think you would benefit from following my Program..I have tons of books and other content that can help. I do think NC will benefit you and your efforts.

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    February 14, 2018 at 7:32 pm

    Hi there,
    My ex and I were together for almost 3 years and had a fairly tumultuous relationship. I felt like he was always getting away with treating me poorly when he didn’t agree with me or when we would fight. So there was one point during the summer where I finally stepped away and tried to break free of the cycle we had continuously been in. He had begged for me back however I told him that I had met someone, which In fact I did. I knew that the only way he would maybe appreciate me more was if he knew that I wasn’t his anymore. This person that I had met was just an excuse for me to leave the situation with my boyfriend and try to get him to realize that his actions would have consequences. With that being said my boyfriend still fought for me and begged for me back for 3 straight months. I had no contact until he sent me something that irked me and made me respond. The last I spoke to him was in October and hadn’t spoken since until last week. I had gone 4 months with no communication and a total of 6 months broken up. During this time I tried to move on and deal with the fact that it was over but still couldn’t get over him and thought of reaching out almost every day since we had been apart. When I spoke to him last week he came to me and we acted as if nothing had ever happen between us but then mentioned that he had a new girlfriend. He said he would leave her for me if he knew that I would be serious about getting back together and if things wouldn’t be toxic as they were before. He agreed to see me the following day and again the week after. He still says that he loves me but that I broke his heart and isn’t willing to lose this new relationship to get back with me. He Also was giving me mixed signals by saying he still thinks of me and never got over me but after having lunch with me we got into a little tiff. Did u lose me window of opportunity ? I know I put him through a lot of pain by ignoring him for months but is this his way of punishing me or is he confused and may actually consider being with me again? I’m leaving a lot out obviously but my main question is if he is trying to play a game to make me work for his affection again or if this really is over between us and he just wanted to see me again for whatever reason he felt he needed to.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 18, 2018 at 11:09 pm

      Hi Britt,

      I think he’s trying to play safe.. He chased for 3 months. He might be thinking that you’re just stringing him along. If you want a restart with him, don’t date anybody else and then slowly rebuild rapport with him.

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    October 8, 2017 at 1:52 pm

    I first just want to thank everyone on this website for being there for so many of us going through emotional crisis. I’ve Been with my boyfriend for 21 months. We have had very little arguments over that time maybe five with the last three being this September. I believe the arguments are us both not handling outside stress well. I have been through some much stress…I just got divorced in August officially and I have a 2yoa with another guy, I’ve had to move twice since I’ve been with my current boyfriend/ex due to health concerns with my daughter. My dog is dying, a hurricane hit, among a bunch of other stuff. I never thought you would just sneak off while I was at work and leave a note that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. As he had promised day in and day out he would be honest with me always talk to me about issues and work things out with me he wanted to marry me , have a child with me etc. etc. I definitely did not see this coming and furthermore he refuses to have a face-to-face conversation with me. He claims he’s trying to spare us hard ache well unfortunately he left me in our house with all the pieces to pick up by myself and I can’t afford the house by myself or to break the lease. Just this past Monday we had agreed to go to counseling because I explained I think we both were not handling our outside stressors very well and he agreed. Unfortunately he changed is mind I guess and thinks the best thing is to run away. He won’t really tell me the reason yet but he equates one of the reasons that I got really mad when I was running late one day and told him I didn’t want to talk at the moment . He says he apologize for never telling me how deeply that affected him… I find that completely irrational as I was not even mad at him I was mad at the fact I was running behind and going to be late for work I thought I did the right thing by telling him not to talk to me at the moment so I wouldn’t say or do anything I would regret unfortunately how this against me as some sort of secret tally or grudge against me . As far as I can see most of the other reasons that he’s kind of giving our irrational I know I can’t change his mind it’s pretty much made up when he walked out on me and my little one without a word. The thing is I have to have a face-to-face with him for closure and dividing bills items up…he did agree to meet me in a couple days . I don’t know how to handle it he says nothing he can say will change anything but I still want to hear all the reasons from his mouth . Can someone please tell me how to respond or how to prepare myself I am completely heartbroken and shocked . Thanks.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 9, 2017 at 12:12 am

      Hi Kristina,

      Just be calm and indifferent..

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    October 3, 2017 at 5:28 am

    Me and my ex broke up 7 months ago. We are in a long distance relationship by the way and we have different nationalities. He broke up with me because he was pressured with school projects & exams (he was graduating at the time) and he said he couldn’t give enough quality time for me. Even though we are over, we still have communication from time to time until now. Just friendly conversations.
    Now that he is working, we still chat & voice mail sometimes. One day he asked me how I was dealing with the break up. I told him that it hurt of course and I missed him but I didn’t want to disturb him with his studies that’s why I didn’t argue much. I even told him that maybe he has moved on.
    But I was surprised when he said that he still loves me but he has to control it. He blamed himself that he wasn’t a good boyfriend back then.
    I don’t understand because if he still loves me, why didn’t he asked me to be his girlfriend once again? It’s been 7 months. Even if we are communicating, he has late replies. It’ll take him 2-3 days before he replies back. Although every time I’m sad or has problems, he will immediately contact me and asks if I’m okay because he said that I am a special friend to him. I just think that maybe he is busy that’s why his replies are late.
    I know that he is a good guy. I miss him so much and I miss our silly conversations before.
    His late replies just make me sad. Does he really still loves me? I want us to be together again. What should I do?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 3, 2017 at 9:53 pm

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    September 17, 2017 at 3:11 pm

    So my situation is a bit different me and my ex were off and one for a little over two years . The last theee weeks he became distant and nice then mean and kept having all these excuses of why … I kept working on what he was saying was bothering him to make us work out . Finally last weekend he said he was over us and wants to be alone . But two days later randomly texted me he loved me , but I ignored him for two days because i was still upset about him ending things so finally when I called him everything was ok untill the next night he wouldn’t answer but finally texted and said he’s exhausted from work so I left it alone then the next day I texted him through the day and called once no answer , but he finally called and basically said he wanted me out his life … it surprised me . After a while he admits it’s because the way we met . I was a dancer . (Which was over two years ago) He said it bothers him now , and he often thinks about it and doesn’t want to deal with it . I kept texting him threwout the day , basically saying how his descion is dumb for a dumb reason .. then I called and he blocked me . The next day he unblocked me we talked , he basically said he’s sticking with his decision and he’s not coming back and to move on . He’s out of town . I told him I was going to stop by when he gets back and he called me crazy & I didn’t reply because hearing that made me finally accept it’s over . Later he texted me and called me weird because his family told him I came by the day before when he wasn’t answering . I still didn’t reply . So now it’s been a day I haven’t heard from him after the last two messages he sent , I still didn’t reply .

    I feel bad and understand his reason completely, but I tried to explain how I was young and dumb but he’s just over it.. he also says he doesn’t want to have to have someone to answer to . hes also going to be out of town busy with work the next month so I’m pretty sure he won’t contact me ..
    I don’t want to do NC because I’ve done it before & I know it becomes less effective.

    So I basically am either going to move on or just give it a few days and reach out one more time . I’m not sure on which one I should do ??

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 20, 2017 at 10:52 am

      HI Britt,

      if you’ve only done nc once, you can still try it.. or if you want to give it a few days and reach out one last time and move on if it doesn’t work, go ahead.

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    September 17, 2017 at 12:04 am

    So my situation is a bit different me and my ex were off and one for a little over two years . The last theee weeks he became distant and nice then mean and kept having all these excuses of why … I kept working on what he was saying was bothering him to make us work out . Finally last weekend he said he was over us and wants to be alone . But two days later randomly texted me he loved me , but I ignored him for two days because i was still upset about him ending things so finally when I called him everything was ok untill the next night he wouldn’t answer but finally texted and said he’s exhausted from work so I left it alone then the next day I texted him through the day and called once no answer , but he finally called and basically said he wanted me out his life … it surprised me . After a while he admits it’s because the way we met . I was a dancer . (Which was over two years ago) He said it bothers him now , and he often thinks about it and doesn’t want to deal with it . I kept texting him threwout the day , basically saying how his descion is dumb for a dumb reason .. then I called and he blocked me . The next day he unblocked me we talked , he basically said he’s sticking with his decision and he’s not coming back and to move on . He’s out of town . I told him I was going to stop by when he gets back and he called me crazy & I didn’t reply because hearing that made me finally accept it’s over . Later he texted me and called me weird because his family told him I came by the day before when he wasn’t answering . I still didn’t reply . So now it’s been a day I haven’t heard from him after the last two messages he sent , I still didn’t reply .

    I feel bad and understand his reason completely, but I tried to explain how I was young and dumb but he’s just over it.. he also says he doesn’t want to have to have someone to answer to . hes also going to be out of town busy with work the next month so I’m pretty sure he won’t contact me ..
    I don’t want to do NC because I’ve done it before & I know it becomes less effective.

    So I basically am either going to move on or just give it a few days and reach out one more time . I’m not sure on which one I should do ??

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 20, 2017 at 10:27 am

      HI Britney,

      if you’ve only done nc once, you can still try it.. or if you want to give it a few days and reach out one last time and move on if it doesn’t work, go ahead.

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    Michael Kasunic

    August 5, 2017 at 9:20 am

    I can’t find the ex girlfriend recovery podcast you mentioned in this episode

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      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 6, 2017 at 7:17 pm

      Hi Michael,

      Exgirlfriend recovery doesn’t have a podcast yet but there is an exboyfriend recovery podcast in Itunes..

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    July 31, 2017 at 11:42 am

    My ex and I broke up a couple of days ago because he thought I was texting / calling him a lot, which led him to breaking up with me cuz he sadist feel as strongly for me as he did initially. I told him a month ago that we should talk a little more than once a week and video call a bit more. He started to find that smothering. And instead of reaching out to me, he directly ended it. He’s a very private person and doesn’t enjoy talking to anyone much (this includes his family and friends). We had been in a long distance relationship ever since we met, 6 months. He had to leave the country 5 days after we met.
    I’m in the No Contact period right now( day 2 going on) . It’s his birthday in a week. If I call or text him on his birthday to wish him, does that mean I’m breaking the no contact rule.? I will have to contact him one more time during the week to inform that his gifts will be arriving (I had sent gifts for him a week before we broke up). How should I keep the conversation short on these two occasions? If he says he misses me and wants to get back together (I highly doubt that it would happen so soon), should I take this window of opportunity to make it work, even though I’ll be just a few days into the no contact rule.?

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    July 20, 2017 at 9:44 pm

    What if someone has already lost that window of opportunity?

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      July 25, 2017 at 5:25 pm

      I feel really hopeless because I have already told you in my previous comments with you that he came back to me and wanted to give everything a try and give us a new chance but I guess all my feelings and resentments came into the surface and we had little fights and he started getting distant and then I rushed everything and I guess he realized that I am no good and he stopped initiating conversations with me due to which I am in NC nowadays and he hasn’t contacted me at all
      This is why I think I lost the window of opportunity, he is a stubborn guy and he was already uncertain about me and I gave him reasons to think he was right in his decision to stay broken up
      You told me NC of 45 days, and I am studying and not stalking him but now is the second day that he has been posting really romantic quotations like a girl who is unique, different, etc!
      This has really hurt me and confused me too but I haven’t showed any reaction although I might have viewed it only! I didn’t know he could see who viewed his status updates on WhatsApp!
      What do you think he means by all this?

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      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 25, 2017 at 11:31 am

      It depends on the situation.. What do you mean? Why and why did you lost that window?

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    July 20, 2017 at 8:29 pm

    Me and my ex broke up twice over the course of one year. First time I broke up with him. This last time he broke up with me because he said we were arguing too much. So I didn’t fight him on his decision, instead I accepted it. I finally gathered the courage to confess all my feelings to him that I was suppressing, as I wasn’t too sure where things where leading this time around. He didn’t say anything, he stood quiet, and I bid my farewell in a calm manner. I wished him the best and unfriended him on FB. No contact from either side. He has two close friends who were my friends as well. One of them, his best friend, I had to cut out of my life because he went to him and told him things I said about him (my ex) in confidentiality. He (my ex) was upset, hence the arguing with my ex. I apologized and did my best to do things right but it seemed in vain. So I decided to cut them both and move on.

    Then the second friend began getting close to me. He’s one of my exes oldest friends and he began to ask personal questions and what not. So he finally confessed that he had ‘feelings’ for me. Which I had suspected but I didn’t appreciate the fact that this very guy friend, sent screenshots of our conversations to my ex. In these conversations, I told him about a guy that broke my heart. That guy was my ex (but I didn’t mention names) and my ex was upset that I opened my mouth again. I didn’t see anything wrong because he and I weren’t talking anymore and I didn’t see the point in hiding anything. In fact, I was over it and was simply stating that a guy broke my heart. So he angrily said to me, don’t even talk about me or mention me at all. I agreed and we haven’t had contact since then. (This happened between January – May)

    My question is why be upset? I mean he was upset because he said he never talked about my business or our business to anyone. Yet I had two people tell me things that only he and I knew. So why lie? Why say that he doesn’t talk about me when the evidence leads to that, and then get upset because I do? The first friend, best friend, that went to him and told him personal details about our conversation, is no longer in good terms with my ex. I don’t know why though.

    Also, why would his second friend send him screenshots of our conversations? It just didn’t make sense to me. He also added my niece on Instagram about a month-two months after I deleted him off FB. Given, she did add him on FB for me but she did so in the beginning after he broke up with me.

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      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 25, 2017 at 10:27 am

      Hi Emma
      He’s upset because he thinks you’re badmouthing him to other people.. If the second friend really likes you then maybe that’s his way to get rid of the competition by showing your ex that he didn’t treat you right