Over the past few days I have received some interesting voice mails from a woman asking questions about her ex.
What is unique about these voice mails?
Good question.
It’s the fact that she sent me so many of them.
Now, normally this kind of thing would get on my nerves but something about this woman made me want to answer her. Maybe it’s the fact that a lot of the questions she asked I felt the women of Ex Boyfriend Recovery could relate to.
All in all, this is a historic episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
Why?
Because it is the longest episode in the history of the podcast (this far.)
At 37 minutes I take the time to dissect this woman’s situation and answer all of her questions (and there are a lot.)
Oh, I should have mentioned this woman’s name, huh?
Her name is Cinnamon and here is a brief synopsis of her situation,
- She broke up with her boyfriend
- The two of them saw each other every single day
- They even had sex every single day
- She was a bit of a text gnat after the breakup
- She used the NC rule.
- NC seemed to work
- But is unsure of how to proceed
What I Talk About In This Episode
- My thoughts on relationships based only on sex
- I answer if Cinnamon can get her ex back
- I answer if Cinnamon should get her ex back
- What you should do if your get backed into a corner during NC
- What it means when a man talks about other women to you
- Does it mean anything when an ex inquires about your love life?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizImportant Links Mentioned In This Episode
None… š
The Questions Cinnamon Asked
This is kind of a rapid fire Q & A podcast episode so it only makes sense that I talk a little about the questions I answered.
What I have decided to do is list the questions below and give you a very very very quick answer to them.
(You have to listen to the podcast for a detailed answer.)
Question 1- Does Cinnamon Have A Chance Of Getting Her Ex Back?
Yes
Question 2- Should She Get Her Ex Back?
Only if the relationship isn’t based off of sex.
Question 3- What Should You Do If Your Confronted During NC?
Simple, tell him that you weren’t in a place where you were ready to talk to anyone. Ask him to respect your decision.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizQuestion 4- What Does It Mean If He Inquires About Your Love Life?
Its definitely bordering on a good sign. He may possibly be fishing. However, it’s not the be all end all.
Question 5- What Does It Mean If He Talks About Other Women?
Usually it means he is trying to make you jealous or “rub it in.”
Podcast Transcript
Welcome to Episode 33 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m happy to have you here today. A lot has been happening with the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery brand. Lately my wife have been kicking an idea around. I wanted to get your thoughts on it. As you know, I run Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, the website where this podcast is featured.
Lately we’ve been getting a lot of comments from women who have hard issues that I can’t give the time to. I try to remedy that through this podcast but there are still too many. We get something like 11,000 to 13,000 people coming to the site every single day, and we receive comments and questions. Then when you answer the comments and questions, you get more comments and questions. It’s a never-ending cycle.
I feel like I don’t do a great job of answering everyone the way that they want to feel answered. Some people get mad at me because of it. If you’re one of these people who have been ignored through the comments or haven’t gotten the in depth responses that you wanted, I apologize. I really do. I just don’t have enough time.
Someone once got on me about this. They said, “Chris, you need to do a better job of answering us.” I thought about it a little bit. The truth is, I don’t have enough time to answer everyone fairly. I have to make a choice. Do I spend all of my time writing articles that reach hundreds of thousands of people that can help them all in one place? Or do I take every situation on, one by one?
I chose the articles because that’s the best way for the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery website to grow. It’s the best way to reach the most people. If you think about it, if you get 11,000 to 13,000 people coming to your website every single day, only a half percent of those people comment. There are even more people who are reading the advice online and not commenting.
The idea that my wife and I have been kicking around is creating a coaching service. It would be a service where we take on 15 to 25 situations and give them the in depth advice that they need. We were thinking of doing it through email and charging a monthly fee. You would be guaranteed a response in 24 hours with in depth details.
You can write us your situation and we’ll come up with a game plan for you. We’ll help you every step of the way until you get your ex-boyfriend back. If you don’t, we can even help you move on. We’ve been kicking that idea around. I don’t know if it will ever come to fruition. I wanted to get your thoughts on it. Do you think that’s a good idea? Ideally, the only way that I would ever do it is if it’s financially worth it for me. My time is very valuable. I’ve had people offer to pay me thousands of dollars for consults. If I did this, it would have to be worth it financially. I’m not a greedy person.
I don’t think I would charge anything insane, but it would have to be worth it financially. I wanted to get your thoughts on it and if you thought something like that might be worth it. You’d have a coach to help you along the way and tell you what to do in certain situations. You would be guaranteed a response in 24 hours.
We would really know your situation in depth like the back of our hands. My wife would help me on that down the road potentially. I want to know your thoughts on that. If you can, leave a comment in the show notes for Episode 33. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode33. Give me your thoughts and let me know if you think it’s an idea that you would be interested in or that you think others would be interested in.
Today we’re going to have a unique episode. It’s not going to be game plan oriented. It’s going to be a rapid fire Q&A session. This happened because I got one particular woman who is really curious about her ex. She has a lot of questions about her ex. She sent me about four or five voicemails asking different questions with her situation. Her name is Cinnamon.
When someone asks me that many questions, it is usually a little annoying. I’m not going to lie. But something about Cinnamon made me want to answer her. I don’t know what it is. She has an interesting quality to her. She seems like she’s very intent on listening. I’m going to shock her here. I’m sure she didn’t expect an answer from me. I’m going to record an extra-long episode today where I answer all of her questions.
I’m going to structure this episode a bit differently. There is probably not going to be a game plan. I’ll just be answering her questions, one by one. She sent me a bunch of voicemails. I’m going to play a voicemail for you. I’ll answer the question on that voicemail. Then I’ll move on to the next voicemail. I’ll play that one for you and answer the question.
Hopefully, at the end, you will have gotten an immense amount of value. Cinnamon asked some amazing and insightful questions that a lot of you have asked before but I’ve never gotten around to answering. Today I’m going to answer them all in one spot. It’s going to be a rapid fire Q&A with Cinnamon where she asks a bunch of questions about her ex-boyfriend.
Let’s hear a general overview of Cinnamon’s situation. Then we’ll get into the craziness where she became a bit of a voicemail gnat. She even joked about that in one of her voicemails. It’s all good. We’re all here to help each other.
Let’s hear from Cinnamon:
“Hi, Chris. I wanted to tell you how awesome you are. I want to thank you for all that you do. My name is Cinnamon and I don’t have a specific question. I just want your advice. I’m going to tell you my situation. I want you to tell me where you feel I went wrong and if you think that I can get my ex back, and if I can, what you think I should do.
I also have two scenarios. I want you to tell me as if I wanted to get him back if I could, and also tell me what I should do if I didn’t want him. I want to change his perception of me enough to where I could hold my head up high when I see him in public, because we do frequent a lot of the same places. I’m going to jump right into it. We broke up in July of last year.
After that, we continued to see each other every day. It was almost as if we never broke up. We saw each other every day. We had sex every day. That happened for a few months until he started seeming like he wasn’t very interested in me. I started texting, calling and gnatting him, like you said. One day, we got into a huge argument because I started begging for him back.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHe hurt my feelings so I went into no contact. That lasted for almost three weeks and he went crazy. He would call me four times every day and leave voice messages, which were negative. He was cursing out my voicemail. I ended up answering a little bit before three weeks. At first he was attentive. Then after that, he fell back into his old ways.
We were in the same situation, still having sex and hanging out every day. They were not real dates, just hanging out. After that, I grew bored. I started to emotionally detach myself. I got tired of the same situation. I stopped seeing him. We would still talk but I stopped wanting to be around him. I started feeling like I was being tricked out of sex, even though I was giving it up willingly.
Lately, he’s been trying to be my “friend.” He calls me to just shoot the breeze and talk. He’s trying to friend zone me and talk about basic things. I’m really not feeling it. I think half of it is him trying to get me to see him.
He’s trying to make it seem like it’s innocent and then he’ll try to get romantic with me when he sees me, just for sex. I think the other half is because he is trying to friend zone me. I’m kind of worried. He tries to call me to talk about general things. I recently went into no contact. What do you think I should do?”
Cinnamon, thanks for your question. For those of you listening, this may be a bit hard to follow. She talked about a lot. I know Cinnamon’s situation quite well because I’ve listened to it four or five times. I took notes on it. To slow things down for the listeners, I’m going to recap her situation. At the same time, I will point out that she did want me to answer two questions. Before I answer those questions, I’ll recap her situation.
She said that they broke up in July of last year. They saw each other every single day. She also mentioned that they had sex every single day, which says a lot right there. I’ll hold my thoughts on that until after. She became a bit of a text gnat after the breakup.
She did do no contact on him for three weeks. It seemed to be quite effective. It also seemed to anger her ex quite a bit, as he left her pretty angry voice messages, which is not an uncommon thing. This is the equivalent of a man throwing a temper tantrum, like a child would. If this is happening to you and you’re using the no contact rule, do not freak out.
She feels kind of used by him for sex. She also wanted me to answer two questions. One is, can I get him back? Number two is, if I don’t want him back, what should I do?
Let’s tackle the “can I get him back” question. Cinnamon, it is very possible for you to get him back. It’s not a question of your chances of getting him back but more a question of what your relationship will be like. Good relationships are not just built on sex.
Eventually, someone’s libido is going to waver. When that happens, you usually find out who the two people in the relationship really are. You need more to fall back on than sex. It seems like this is what happened to you in this relationship, Cinnamon. You started to want more than just the sex, even if it was really good for both of you and you were enjoying each other. That’s fine but it’s human to want more. It seems like you wanted more and he was still stuck in the sex.
My question to you would be, if you really take a step back and look at the situation in the most logical manner that you can, let’s assume that you do get your ex-boyfriend back. Is your relationship going to change at all? I think it has to. If you want it to survive the long test of time, it can’t just be about sex. Right now, it seems that that’s his primary motivation. From everything that you’ve said, his actions are all pointing towards that. He wants to use you for sex.
The next question that you asked me talked about this a little bit. You talked about how you were feeling used by him, how he only calls you when he has a problem. It’s not a fair relationship. Again, I’ll get to that a little bit later. This is what happens. It seems like he is using you. It’s not a partnership.
Can you get him back? Yes, you can, Cinnamon. But something needs to change in the relationship. Albert Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result every time. If you get him back and get into this on-and-off dynamic, the problem with that is that nothing will change. He’s probably still going to want the same things. He’s probably still only going to want you for sex. Something has to change for your relationship to survive and for you to be happy.
Really, that’s why I am doing this. That’s why I created Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. It’s not just to get your ex-boyfriend back. It’s for you to find happiness. I think something is going to have to change for you to find happiness.
You also asked me, if you don’t want him back, what should you do? If you don’t want him back and you want to hold your head high, my advice to you would be to cut him out of your life completely. I don’t think that the two of you can ever be friends. I just don’t think so. I think, once the sex floodgates opened up for him, being friends was completely out of the question. He’s only going to want one thing from you, and that is sex.
Eventually, if you do try to be friends with him, he’s going to try to have sex with you down the road. That’s just my opinion. As a man, that’s what I think. That doesn’t necessarily make it true. It’s my opinion, Cinnamon.
If you decide that you do not want your ex-boyfriend back, cut him out of your life and move on. That would be the best thing for you. You’ll be able to move on and hold your head high. More importantly, you’ll be able to find happiness down the road with someone else. You’ll open your heart up to that.
You seem like you do want him back, so let’s operate under that assumption. Now I’m going to play Cinnamon’s second voicemail. Look at this voicemail as an extension of the first voicemail. She’s adding things on to what caused the demise of her relationship and what was hurting her. I think those of you who are going through a breakup and are trying to get your ex back can really identify with what Cinnamon is about to say here. I think I have some really good thoughts to add on to Cinnamon’s questions.
Let’s hear from Cinnamon again:
“Hi, Chris. This is Cinnamon again. I don’t mean to be a voicemail gnat, but I wanted to ask something. I said something about, right before I recently went into no contact, he was trying to contact me and be very casual. Another thing that I didn’t like was the simple fact that he was trying to be emotionally dependent upon me, like we were still in a relationship.
I would be there for him because he has a lot of family issues. Usually, I’m the one he can come and talk to in confidence. But that’s not my job anymore. He was trying to do that. He wanted to call me, tell me about his day and his problems. I don’t see why he would do that. That’s another thing that he did that I really didn’t like.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThat goes along with the friend zone stuff that you were talking about. It felt like our last few conversations were all about him and none were about me. I feel like he was using me as a dumpster. He would dump all his negative energy on me. Then he’d want to get off the phone afterwards. That’s another reason why I recently went into no contact.
I felt like I was being used. I did stop seeing him. I haven’t seen him in a while. I felt like, even through the phone, he was trying to use me by calling me and needing an ear to hear. I felt like I was being taken advantage of. I wanted to know what you thought about that and if it goes with the friend zone or the friends with benefits type of thing.
I think he’s also trying to put the friend zone in there and mask friends with benefits. I think he’s trying to reel me in to come and see him. He’s making it seem innocent when he really wants something else.”
Again, thank you for your voicemail, Cinnamon. I think a lot of women listening to this can identify with you. What you described here, this dumpster effect, I like that analogy. He is using you as a dumpster. He’s dumping all of his negative energy and thoughts on you. He is essentially using you.
I talk a lot about this at Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, how some men will miss their ex-girlfriends to a point where they miss having the support that they had in the relationship. They are just going to use you. That’s not the way it should be at all. A relationship should be an equal partnership. It’s a two-way street. You are there for me, but I am there for you.
What he’s demonstrating is that, you’re there for him, but he’s not there for you. I’m more than happy with your reasoning for going into the no contact rule. I think it’s really smart. That’s probably the best way to approach this situation. What it all boils down to is respect. He doesn’t respect you.
Someone who uses you like that, who is willing to call you up on the phone and vent to you for an hour and a half about their problems, and isn’t willing to listen to yours is wrong. There are two sides to this equation here. His needs aren’t above yours.
In a perfect relationship, ideally everyone’s needs should be cared about and met by the other person. He obviously wants you to listen to his problems. Maybe he is trying to entice you. I don’t think it’s about that. I just think he doesn’t respect you. A man would never do that to a woman that he respects. A man would never vent to her constantly.
If a man really respected a woman, he would probably go out of his way to listen to her problems. He would sit down with her, hold her while she’s crying, caress her and be the support that she wants. To me, it seems like he’s not doing this for you at all.
It seems like you are doing this for him. The dynamic is completely wrong here. It needs to be even to where, “Okay, you’ve got problems. I’ve got problems, too. Let’s help each other out.” That’s the ideal way a relationship should work.
You also said something really interesting. You said that he’s trying to lure you into sex with this friend zone stuff. I completely agree. I’m a proponent of actions speaking louder than words. His actions here certainly seem to back that up. They seem to be very sex motivated. Every man has sexual needs that need to be met.
Let me give you an example. Let’s say that you are married to a man. When you first got married, you had sex a lot. But then, 50 years down the road, you and this man haven’t had sex in five years. A man has needs. Even women have needs.
Let’s make this more gender neutral. Everyone has needs. If you haven’t had sex in that long, the person is more amenable to looking elsewhere for it. Obviously, there are some serious problems in the relationship if that’s the case. Maybe there needs to be more communication between those two people or there is something else going on. Maybe the guy is getting it somewhere else. Who knows?
I’m just saying that he has needs. You seem to have met him better than any girl he knows. You’ve stuck in his mind, but you’ve stuck in his mind for the wrong reasons, Cinnamon. If you do try to get him back, do not sleep with him under any circumstances until he commits to you. Even when he commits to you, I want you to let him wait for a while. Wait for a couple of weeks, maybe even a month. I want you to take things slow.
What’s the reason for that? I want you to see his true self. I want you to really look at him and see what he does when sex is taken off the table. A relationship should be able to survive that. You’re basically telling him, “I want to wait a little bit.” He should be okay with that. What I think is going to happen is that he’s not going to be okay with it.
You’re going to see a really mean side to him. That’s what his actions have stated so far. But he may surprise you. You never know. If you do decide to get him back, I think you should take sex completely off the table. It will earn you some respect and also make you feel like you are the boss when it comes to that.
Let’s move onto your third voicemail. This is more of a general no contact question. Let’s hear it:
“Hi, Chris. This is Cinnamon again. I have another question. What should you do if you’re confronted about no contact? Let’s say you’re ignoring and you answer a private call. They reveal themselves and you’re on the spot. Do you hang up in their face? What do you say? Another scenario is if they see you in public and decide to approach you directly on the subject, like, “Hey, why are you ignoring me?” What should you do? I want to be prepared for that because I feel that’s probably what my ex-boyfriend is going to do next. I don’t know how to handle that.”
Cinnamon, you’re really making me earn my keep here. What should you do if you’re confronted about no contact? I get this question a lot. This isn’t anything abnormal here, Cinnamon. It’s a common fear that you have. I’ve seen it happen before with the private number example that you gave. I’ve seen people mishandle it and I’ve seen people handle it perfectly. Again, I’ve seen people not handle the in person thing well and I’ve seen people handle it incredibly well.
Now I’m going to explain both. I’m going to explain to you what happens when someone does not handle it well and also when they do handle it well. Let’s use the phone call as an example. If you get a private phone call one day, you pick it up and it’s your ex, hanging up on him is not the ideal way to approach this situation.
Why is that? If you’re trying to get your ex-boyfriend back and you’re using the no contact rule, let’s not lose sight of the end goal here. Hanging up on your ex-boyfriend on the spot is not cool. He’s not going to appreciate that. You will probably hurt your chances of getting him back. The good news is that no contact is working if this happens because he’s taking the time to private phone call you. It means you’re clearly in his head.
But do not lose sight of the end goal here. Instead, this is what you should do if you get a private phone call, it’s your ex and he confronts you on the spot. He might say, “Why are you ignoring me? I’ve messaged you 15 times. I’ve called you 28 times. Why haven’t you picked up?”
If he says that to you, I want you to reply very simply, “Look, I was not in a place where I was ready to talk to you emotionally. I’m going through some stuff. I hope you can respect that space. I’m at work right now. I have to go but thanks for reaching out. I really appreciate that you care enough to reach out to me. Thanks.” Then hang up.
That’s the right way to handle that situation. You’re going to talk to him on your terms, Cinnamon. Do not play this game on his terms anymore. That’s not how this is going to work. You’re not going to be successful at getting him back if you are playing a game where he’s rigged the rules in his favor. That answers that question.
Let’s move onto your final voicemail where you ask me two questions. Congratulations, Cinnamon. I’m pretty sure this is going to be the longest episode of Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. This is Episode 33 with rapid fire Q&A. You’ve made Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast history.
Let’s hear your last and final voicemail:
“Hi, Chris. This is Cinnamon, your best friend, again. I have a double question. If you and your ex are speaking, if they inquire about your love life, does that mean that they’re interested in you or they’re just trying to be an asshole?
When my ex and I were speaking and he was trying to friend zone me, when I didn’t answer my phone that often, once we did finally talk, he would ask me, “Hey, what guy has you hung up?” I never really gave him an answer on that because I didn’t feel like he deserved one. When guys do that, are they fishing? Why are they doing that? Do they actually care or are they just talking?
When your ex starts talking about other women, is it to make you jealous and get a reaction or is it because they’re actually over you? I wanted to know about those two things. I’m not sure if you’ve covered that. I’ve always been curious to know what that means when they inquire about your love life as well as when they try to bring people up. With him, it was never a particular woman.
He would just say, “Some girl is always texting me.” I didn’t know if that was him being an ass and trying to make me jealous or if he was really annoyed by some girl that keeps hitting him up. What do you think about that? I’m sorry to keep bombarding you but you’re a genius and I need your advice.”
Thanks, Cinnamon. Here’s a funny fact about me. If you stroke my egoāif you’re commenting and you say, “Ex-Boyfriend Recovery is the best website I’ve ever seen,” I’m probably going to respond to you in a good way. Just like any man, I like my ego stroked. Thanks for your kind words, Cinnamon, about the genius thing. I’ll do my best to answer your questions.
You asked me two questions. You asked what it means if your ex-boyfriend inquires about your love life and what happens if he talks about other women. Let’s talk about the love life first. A lot of women think this is the be all, end all. I personally don’t think it’s the be all, end all to tell if he’s into you or not.
I will say this. If an ex-boyfriend inquires about your love life, it does tell you that he’s thinking about you. I wouldn’t say that he’s concerned yet but he’s interested to know if you are dating or not. Men are protective. We’re territorial with our things, so to speak. Even though he’s your ex-boyfriend, he technically believes you’re still his in a way. He’s not going to be too thrilled with the idea of you dating another guy or being into another guy.
I think he’s inquiring for that reason. I think it’s an above average sign. It’s bordering on a good sign if an ex-boyfriend does this. I don’t think it’s the be all, end all that some women make it out to be. If he does do this, I would look at it as a little bit below a good sign. It’s above average. I don’t think there’s anything negative about him inquiring about your love life.
If he is bringing up other women, that’s interesting. He’s clearly trying to overcompensate for something or he’s trying to make you jealous. Logically, every man knows that no woman is going to be thrilled with the idea of your ex talking about another woman.
If I were to put myself in his shoes and he did that, the only reason I could see myself doing that is if I knew I wanted to make you jealous. Then I would bring up other women. I would say, “I went on this date with this one girl.” If he does do that, he is trying to make you jealous and elicit a reaction. I think that is a good sign. It means he still cares about you on some level.
I hope that answers your questions, Cinnamon. I hope I did a decent job for you. This was a unique episode here. This was a longer episode. I kind of enjoyed myself. If you’re listening to this episode and you’re going to record a voicemail where you send me 15 questions, I’m not going to be doing this all the time. This would be on a “when I want” basis.
This entire podcast is on a “when I want” basis. I try to post three a week for the people who are continually coming back to the website and are interested in things. I like to do things on my schedule. I have a lot of other stuff in the works. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you’re listening, Cinnamon, I really hope I helped you out a lot. If anyone has any questions, please comment in the show notes of this episode. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode33.
Again, I want to get your thoughts on the personal coaching idea that I mentioned at the beginning of this episode. Comment so that I can get your thoughts on that. That’s going to do it for Episode 33. I’ll try to have some out tomorrow or the next day. I am doing this on a “when I want” basis. My goal is to have three a week done. I’ll see you later.
Bec
April 20, 2016 at 9:56 am
Amor thanks for replying. I’m just at such a loss and really petrified (not exaggerating!) about contacting him after no contact is finished! I don’t want him to ignore me or be horrible. Others are saying I should wait for him to contact me cause if he misses me and regrets breaking up with me he’ll come back but I really don’t know. How can I speak to Chris seiter directly?
Thanks amor!
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 21, 2016 at 10:29 am
You’re welcome! Try to send a podcast and an email . and indicate in the email, that you would prefer if Chris can answer you.. the email is [email protected]
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 18, 2016 at 4:44 am
Hi Bec,
maybe he just doesn’t know where to start.. You’ll know it after nc if he really has moved on.. but given what happened, it looks like the bickering was too much for him and maybe also the passing of his family friend had an effect on him?
Ray of sunshine
December 7, 2015 at 6:52 pm
Hey Chris,
Hahah I never write this sort of stuff but am at a bit of a loss really.
I am in the middle of your email series and it makes a lot of sense.
My ex bf dumped me just over 6 weeks ago, totally didn’t see it coming, we have never fought never said a bat word to each other, he said and did all the right things, we had nothing but great times and laughs. I was the cool girl!! We even still went in a date the week before the breakup. He totally blindsided me when he said he still has feelings for his ex (mainly ones of anger and failure) after she had come and visited him 2 days prior.
But it turns out I am the rebound girl (I had asked him if he was over her at the start for which he assured me he was) even though he was in a bad marriage that he says never worked, she walked out and I met him 5 months later. It’s his 2nd marriage and the 1st one she cheated and the 2nd one she was a bit of a religious nut job, that does not like his kids from the 1st wife. He says he has failure issues, and feels insecure, that he doesn’t deserve me, and that I can do better etc although he doesn’t come across like at at all, but I do get it.
I have given him load of NC time, then last weekend he wrote a very long text that explained how he feels and that there is no future along with the fact he feels like he doesn’t deserve love etc. I totally don’t believe him and that the past 8 months have been a lie, and think he’s in a bit of a hole because he hasn’t got the heart to tell his ex to leave him alone and stop visiting. Neither of them want to get back together but he clearly has feelings still and anger issues about it. He wants us to be friends which I will struggle with big time as I thought I had met my match. He has introduced me to his 2 kids (to the first wife) and he has met my dad and sister. We all get on great.
I broke the Kaia rule and replied to his long text, which I know I shouldn’t have, so I have probably blown it. I have lost a bit of weight, got some sunshine, had a haircut, been on 2 dates. And I feel great.
So I guess my question is, am I wasting my time? For all the research I have done he seems like a pretty classic case. I Just don’t believe we aren’t awesome together and I think he got a classic case of cold feet cos I’m nothing like the wives. He had made the plans over summer to include me in concerts, meet his mum and camping with his kids. I haven’t pushed him to include me at all.
And for all my mistakes with men in the past, I feel I did this one right, no nagging or neediness. I know I’m a catch but the last month we were together I may have got a little bit comfortable, winter blues etc and I forgot to be the prize. He has completely broken my heart, and I just can’t get my head round it since there has never been any fights or bad words etc. even though my 2 dates were fun I love my ex, very much and for the first time in my life I know that’s what it is.
Many situations are covered on your page except rebounds. Which it turns out I am one. Can I get my ex back?
Please Help!!!!!!!! Happy to continue your email sessions, even though I know I’m now a Sarah, should I start NC again from day 1? But since his text I think I am wasting my time on him, but I just can’t forget him and to walk away just seems like a complete waste of what was the most amazing 8 months.
Most who know us think we were just amazing together
JANUARY
November 11, 2015 at 12:03 am
Hi Chris! I think you’ve done a brilliant job on this website and the informative articles. I love that they are full of really useful information but are funny and engaging as well. I really hope you do begin private coaching as I would subscribe to that so I could have the best chance for my particular situation.
In my case my ex left mostly because he had a problem with his citizenship here in the UK and myself being a UK citizen was not a position to help as our laws favour other EU persons. The situation had become very stressful for him always wondering if there would be a knock at the door. We had also started to argue quite a bit. We broke up after over 5 years together and kept in touch on and off (after I did everything I wasn’t supposed to) for over a year. He eventually had a friend he had known for that year agree to marry him to sort out citizenship but I know she actually liked him more than a friend and he did tell me that they got on very well as friends. At this point I told him I no longer wanted to keep in contact since he was getting married even if it was for reasons other than love. He cried when I told him but he went ahead. Even though I wanted him back in my life I did not contact him at all.
A couple of months later he called to wish me happy birthday. I did not hear from him again until 7 months later when he text me to invite me to his childs christening! I was so upset that he contacted me and I wondered why he would invite his ex to that. He said he wanted to stay in touch which I did not understand especially as the marriage was now real since they have a baby. I told him I was busy and would get back to him which I did not. 4 months later he wished me happy birthday and I replied ‘thanks x’ but that was all and anther 4 months later the latest text in which he asks me if I was stil going to get back to him when I’m not busy? I told him I was still busy but joked that he missed me! He replied with the smiley that has the eyes to one side and downturned mouth saying he just wanted to see if I’d got my tattoo yet? I don’t understand why he is contacting me now or even though I have hardly replied in over 18 months he still texts. could you shed some light on that please? I would love him back in my life but not at the expense of a marriage.
Sallie
October 13, 2015 at 9:14 pm
Hi Chris,
I’ve been reading a lot of your articles lately (thank you!). As well as the comments and have yet to find a question like this…. I am typically the girl who gives her friends the relationship advice, well they can not relate to my situation. My boyfriend and I were best friends since we were 14 years old (now we’re 25). 3 years ago we began dating. It was shortly after he got out of the marines and he’s opened up to me about things he hasn’t with anyone else. When we first started dating I was in college and in a different state, well after graduation I moved to him and now he is in college… Since I moved down here for him I had expectations that he needed to pick up everything else (which was wrong and I was impatient)…. Well obviously since I am here, he ended it with me three weeks ago. I realize what I’ve done wrong and have told him that. We are always learning from each other. We talked three times since then (of course the first time I was an idiot and begged) and saw each other to give some items back and quick advice (because we both want to remain friends). He is a logic and reason type of guy. Well I am now on day 2 of NC (today would have been 3 years) and I would like to know since we had such a long friendship first, is there any other course of action I need to consider for this type of situation, other than what you’ve outlined?
Many Thanks!
Sallie
October 16, 2015 at 5:27 pm
Hi Again,
Last question I began reading over another one of your articles on Friend Zones and read how in your opinion relationships such as mine (where you were best friends and then dated) do not work out. If you still believe that, is my time being wasted?
Chris Seiter
October 17, 2015 at 12:29 am
It really depends, I would need to know your situation more in depth to answer that
Chris Seiter
October 14, 2015 at 1:14 am
You are very welcome Sallie!
To be honest I think NC is the best for you at this point.
TC
September 23, 2015 at 5:31 pm
I think the coaching would be good but via skype would be better than email. It would allow a two way dialogue rather than by email. I’d offer 1/2 hour or 1 hour sessions, I think thats a good idea or you could offer a subscription course of weekly video lessons, maybe something for each of the 30 days NC?
Drop me an email if you want some ideas of how that could work. Happy to give you some free advice afterall you give us so much free advice š x
Chris Seiter
October 1, 2015 at 6:29 pm
I am actually working on creating a youtube channel.
Really excited about that.
TC
September 23, 2015 at 5:44 pm
Oh and maybe add a search facility to your site. Google search can be embedded for free. š
Rebecca
September 22, 2015 at 9:31 am
I would definitely consider private coaching. My ex and I were engaged and what appeared as out of nowhere to me he broke up with me and has started dating someone else!
There are so many questions I have (a lot of which you have answered in your articles to be fair but I still have more) and I want to put a really good effort into winning him back.
I would have never said yes to his proposal if I didn’t see us genuinely living a happy long life together and so I want to fight for our relationship!
I have just started no contact (I’m about 8/9 days in) but I would love help with the rest of the process to make sure I was doing everything correctly!!
When do you think these coaching sessions will start and how much will they cost? And will I still be able to get them even though I live in the UK?
Thanks : )
Chris Seiter
October 1, 2015 at 6:37 pm
Hi Rebecca,
I haven’t started it yet but when I do I am thinking of charging $297/month.
Denise
September 10, 2015 at 3:15 pm
Hi Chris episode 33 was filled with such great insight! You really know your stuff!! I would love to get more information regarding one on one coaching. Please put me on the email list…..I’d like to receive pricing information before going all in, just to make sure I have ample funds to sign up for your program. I am receiving the Kai & Sarah case study and I love it!!! It has opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking. š I have restarted no contact and am on day three. I tried no contact twice, before I found you, and failed. Thank you for putting me on track again, this time to implement and not waiver. š
Brooke
August 25, 2015 at 11:31 pm
I don’t have a question; I just want to thank you for doing this podcast. You answered two very important questions that I had. Thank you Chris ( and Cinnamon) ;)!
Chris Seiter
September 1, 2015 at 9:03 pm
Your welcome, thanks for the feedback!
Mary
June 28, 2015 at 11:31 pm
Hey Chris,
I want to start off by saying you’re material has helped me a lot with a recent break up. I have one question for you that hopefully you can help me with!
I’ve always loved being in love. And I can honestly say, the relationships I have been in – were never that bad. Great guys. I usually stay friends with my exes too. I guess once a relationships ends, I have a optimistic view that it was just meant to be! Perhaps it’s me getting closer to the person I’m supposed to be with. I have never dated an ex or redated. However…. I met this incredible guy, we only dated for 3 months – which is my fault because I felt like it was almost too good to be true. Sounds stupid right? I had some insecurities to fix and a lot of thinking to do. It ended on a mature matual` note and no hostility after the breakup. In a nutshell, I’ve done the No Contact for more than 30 days. Maybe 60 days. And I decided to use your texting strategies – which worked out in my favour. I asked him if he wanted to go for a coffee date “medium risk”, and his response was positive. Saying “I’d love too!” I didn’t expect that… To be honest, I expected the worst. Now that he’s accepted to meet me, I have no idea what to do next! What to even say when I see him? Should I mention the break up at all? Should I pretend like it didn’t even happen? Should I apologize? Do I just treat this coffee date as two old friends meeting to catch up? I do want him back of course… but even I’m not sure if I’m 100% ready to talk about my feelings for him yet. Need your insight! Thanks again for helping š
Chris Seiter
June 29, 2015 at 6:17 pm
No stay away from the breakup.
Just focus on having a good time.
M.
June 28, 2015 at 5:18 pm
Hi Chris! I’ve been having a conversation with my cousin that troubled me.She thinks that talking with guys about cars/bikes or football is a bad idea cause they’ll never take such a girl seriously.. I have in mind examples of that but if someone has such interests,like me, why to hide it?wouldn’t it be like lying? What do you think?
M.
June 30, 2015 at 5:49 pm
that was my opinion but she said that when she asked her guy friends they said the’d probably want a girl like that for SEX or have a good time..and that’s when I started doubting..
Chris Seiter
June 29, 2015 at 6:18 pm
I am a guy and I can tell you that I would find a girl more attractive if she had my same interests… Just sayin.
kashu
June 4, 2015 at 11:34 am
i have been in a relationship with him 5 years back. i know its a big gap but still i haven’t been able to move on trying my best but being unsuccessful every time. i really love him and want him back. Trying my best and by huge efforts I found his number. Now i m really getting mad and want to talk to him and getting scared ..
what if he don’t even recognize me or don’t want to speak with me or ignore me or have moved on in his life..
chris.. please suggest me what should i do ???
Jenna
June 1, 2015 at 9:38 am
Hi Chris,
First I have to say that this podcast is THE BEST! It’s filled with good stuff and answered some real questions for me. They/you have been MY ROCK through this no contact phase. The podcasts are a godsend. They keep me on the treadmill and I don’t even notice the time going by as I am determined to become the ungettable woman he once knew.
I think the coaching is an amazing idea! It would be truly PRICELESS to some of us. WHY? I have LISTENED TO EVERY PODCAST. I have READ ALL THE SECTIONS here on the WEBSITE, and READ YOUR BOOK. My situation is soooo complicated and messed up. My story is a bit of EVERY section on here rolled into one; my ex is the master of mind-games; and not to mention — LETS THROW KIDS INTO THE MIX! š It’s impossible to lay out a game plan on my own. I have used the rules and it gets me close. But I need clearer direction to make it stick.
I KNOW I HAVE A CHANCE OF SAVING MY MARRIAGE. I NEED THE STRENGTH OF YOUR GUIDANCE AND A STEP BY STEP PLAN TO NAVIGATE THE PIT-FALLS TO BREAK THIS CYCLE.
For exampleā¦
— I ALREADY AM AN UNGETTABLE WOMAN to many. Just not to him. YES, I do have 20lbs from pregnancies I need to lose and I am working on and it’s coming off). HOWEVER, I am a very attractive, educated, and successful woman. I am 39 and I have 23, 24, 27 year olds wanting to date me (and I have dated one/two of them for a bit while my ex was into his girlfriend. Talk about him having a jealous fit!) There are three married men I am politely keeping at bay (I don’t do cheaters!)
I KNOW when he sees me in tiny shorts, his head will spin. (I was voted best legs in High School, — I played internationally for a semi-pro sports team when I was younger). Once, when we were dating, we broke up for a summer. Because of the stress, I lost 20 lbs I didn’t need to lose. When he saw me after a few months he was drooling and begging to come back. In three weeks he was having a house built for us! So yes — these 20 lbs need to go and I am determined.
— I HAVE USED THE NC RULE!!! We had been in contact through mostly text & talk every day / every few days since we initially separated (we have an active kid which is used as leverage). I have had enough of the drama and I enforced NC. It seemed to work for a bit. He gets furious if I don’t answer his calls/texts. Just last week he was livid I asked my parents to watch our daughter for me because I had other plans and could not make her softball game. My parents said he was so mad that I never answered his texts or his calls because he was wearing me down trying to find out what I was doing. For the first time in a while mom said she could actually see his feelings for me through the rage.
— I HAVE USED THE NC RULE BEFORE and in 2 weeks he’s reaching out asking what we are doing and if I still thought about him) This is where your 1:1 advice would of come in handy! Once I break down and express my feelings and he knows I’m still there, he drifts off again. Then I go back to NC and he comes-on to me again. I NEED YOU TO HELP ME BREAK THIS CYCLE!
— The NC RULE is now backfiring (at least for now). He likes to play MIND GAMES and I noticed that he hasn’t called or text me. (I don’t see this lasting with him. He’s angry and trying to give me a taste of my own medicine, but it never lasts.
— We didn’t have a normal breakup. He was evicted form our home for over a year through a court order. Out of the blue he will get angry about that. He has a VINDICTIVE personality and to this day still wants me to tell him that I lied to the cops & judge (but I didn’t). He uses MIND GAMES. The line he recently text me was “Shame, cause if I could admit what I did was wrong, he might have a change of mind and come back.” He plays the role as the one who was wronged, when it was the other way around. He will never admit to any wrong doing. Everything is supposedly my fault and he like to place blame on me. I NEED YOUR HELP NAVIGATING AROUND THIS!
— We have been living SEPARATELY for 3+ years. But we have NOT started the divorce process. He is settled in his own place. He says that he will never leave the house. That he could ever be kicked out of it. The funny part is that it is an old home in need of constant work in a very not nice neighborhood and our daughter could never go to school there. I rent a luxury condo in our neighborhood so our daughter has decent schools to go to. Everything is nice and new which is what he always demanded we have. We could live here together and still be able to save a few grand a month.
— He has had a real girlfriend. It has put us in this weird love triangle. The only reason he started seeing her was because his sister saw us out on a family date, she ran her mouth off to his family, they gave him hellā¦ he took the easy route and cooled it off with me and went with her. She is STILL causing interference and playing games to keep him away from me.
— He has a history of CHEATING!!!
On his first wife with meā¦ (NO, I did not know he was married! We were 22 and I saw him 5 nights a week. I dumped him when I found out and it took him 2 months to show up at my door with a truck filled with his things)
On his girlfriend with meā¦ (No, didn’t know he had a girlfriend. I found out 4 months laster when she called meā¦)
— We have had sex more than once in the last year.
(I thought they had broken up — but he actually cheated on her with me)
— After he has reeled me in with love & sex he gets cold and wanders away. And I did become a bit of a text gnat after that. Then I go back into NC and he eventually comes around. I NEED YOUR HELP TO PLAY THIS PART THE RIGHT WAY!
I DON’T WANNA BE A EMAIL-GNAT. I COULD LIST THINGS FOREVER!!! There’s a lot more details I can’t list hereā¦ We have a 15 year history. He was once so intrigued by me that he left his first wife for me. He broke his rule of never getting married again — and he was ADAMANT on that! After 6 years I told him I was moving out and leaving him since he couldn’t commit to marriage. and at first he said fineā¦ In a month he proposed.
WITH YOUR HELP I KNOW I CAN SAVE MY MARRIAGE. The minute he suspects I am seeing someone he weasels his way back into my life. He doesn’t want anyone else to have me and he sure as hell doesn’t want another man to be a step-dad to his child. When the NC rule is in effect — he comes running back too. SO WITH ALL OF THIS — IT WOULD BE A BLESSING IF YOU STARTED COACHING! I wouldn’t care if I needed a third job to pay for it!
But even if you don’t (and I am praying that you do), I still want to THANK YOU.
As difficult as this has been, your book & podcasts have been giving me the strength to keep striving and keep hope alive.
Tamara
May 29, 2015 at 3:52 pm
Hey Chris!
1) This podcast was pretty awesome, maybe even your best. I love how you took all of her voicemails and made it into an in depth session. There was also some humour too, very cool.
But more podcasts? Please? Weeks between episodes is agony!
2) The coaching idea is cool – especially if your wife comes on board. It will totally make people (cause I’m guessing you’ll do this for the guys over on ex gf recovery too) feel like they’ve got a team working with them.
3) I found your site after you did the redesign and I kinda hate that there’s no index for your articles. Can you please please reconsider adding it? I feel like it adds so much to the ebook, almost like a reinforcement of the techniques you teach.
Thanks so much!
Chris Seiter
June 2, 2015 at 2:50 am
Darn…
Weeks between episodes is like ideal for me.
And yes my wife definitely is on board for this. Without her I wouldn’t be doing this.
So, we definitely will be working in tandem.
You mean the index that used to be on the sidebar of the old design?
M.
May 21, 2015 at 6:53 pm
My ex boyfriend who has a gf a year now still keeps me on fb(without talking or like anything of course). He owes me Money that hasnāt given me although he said he would and I already has asked them onceā¦I kept him too because I followed your advice and tryied everything you said but heās still with herā¦and lately heās started posting photos with the two of them everytime I post sth and I canāt stand it anymore.Also yesterday he changed his profile photo to one with her kissing him and his cover with a quote saying sth like āto tell you the truth I donāt feel anymoreā¦Iām sick of itā..I have no idea if that went for me or no but I really see no hope winning him back..I feel such a loser, I want to just delete him..What do you beleive?Is it over for good?? What should I do?
M.
June 4, 2015 at 6:51 pm
Like which? Iāve read almost every article youāve written,I have tried the game plan and worked for a while,then nothing I would say would make him interested so after he told me he has a gf I stopped talking to him.He hasnāt spoke to me of course but keeps me on fb.. I canāt stand him anymore,mostly because she seems to look like me in appearence AND character,itās so disturbing and I feel very akward starting a conversation with him even to just ask my Moneyā¦Thatās why I need your help so much..Iāve lost all my hopes so I need someone āexpertā to tell me if itās even worth to try anything?
M.
June 2, 2015 at 5:53 pm
Like which? I’ve read almost every article you’ve written,I have tried the game plan and worked for a while,then nothing I would say would make him interested so after he told me he has a gf I stopped talking to him.He hasn’t spoke to me of course but keeps me on fb.. I can’t stand him anymore,mostly because she seems to look like me in appearence AND character,it’s so disturbing and I feel very akward starting a conversation with him even to just ask my Money…That’s why I need your help so much..I’ve lost all my hopes so I need someone ”expert” to tell me if it’s even worth to try anything?
Chris Seiter
June 1, 2015 at 6:11 pm
Did you read any of my articles on this situation?
Your Avid Follower
May 19, 2015 at 9:11 am
I think the e-mail idea is fantastic, I would pay for your coaching services in a heartbeat!
I’m the person who’s been talking to you on EP 31 about my ex who back with his high school ex but has been no caller id calling me (which I uncovered was him officially via the app) for the past two months from the day I called him to tell him I have feelings for him but got turned down. He’s been out of town for the past 10 days and I’m waiting for him to come back to town sometime this month and the next time he calls I’m going to message him regarding the calls to open communication in a non desperate way that doesn’t seem like obviously want him and have a reasonable reason to message him.
But all I wanted to say was please do the e-mail thing.
Chris Seiter
May 19, 2015 at 7:16 pm
Ya, my wife and I are probably going to end up doing it together so women can get both points of view (a man and a womans)
So, looks like we are going to do it.
We have to work out how the whole payment thing is going to work still though.
M.
May 17, 2015 at 5:40 pm
My ex boyfriend who has a gf a year now still keeps me on fb(without talking or like anything of course). He owes me Money that hasn’t given me although he said he would and I already has asked them once…I kept him too because I followed your advice and tryied everything you said but he’s still with her…and lately he’s started posting photos with the two of them everytime I post sth and I can’t stand it anymore.Also yesterday he changed his profile photo to one with her kissing him and his cover with a quote saying sth like ”to tell you the truth I don’t feel anymore…I’m sick of it”..I have no idea if that went for me or no but I really see no hope winning him back..I feel such a loser, I want to just delete him..What do you beleive?Is it over for good?? What should I do?
M.
May 12, 2015 at 6:06 pm
I have a bit different question..Is it good if a guy youāre dating talks about his past relantionships and asks you about yours?? Because Iām not sure how to deal with it..
M.
May 13, 2015 at 6:32 pm
so…should I hide things? refuse to answer? blame ex??
Chris Seiter
May 13, 2015 at 12:41 pm
I think he could be doing that to fish around.
Jane
May 8, 2015 at 9:37 pm
So I had sex with ex, and he got mad because he said I threw in some emotional texts that turned him off. All I said was that I still had feelings for him and that I’d want to still be there for each other. When he told me days later about tbis, I mentioned that yah I have feelings when I have sex and I’m not just some robot. When I said this he blocked me. I showed up at his place and he said the block isn’t forever, but that I should find someone else to have sex with and that gives me the emotional crap. Does he mean that? I feel like all he has been doing is things to push me away, but he also never leaves me alone. It’s been an off and on, back and forth. Now what?!
Lynn
May 8, 2015 at 2:40 am
Boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago and it is my 3rd sucessful week of No Contact Rule and no response. He was upset and blocked me from Facebook. Things were said in the heat of the moment that needed to be discussed at the particular time the problems arose but anytime I would let him know something upsetting me in our relationship he would instantly get mad and not want to talk about it so in return i let it build up and we both had a blow out 21 days ago. I still care for him and love him. We were together for 2 years. I will contact him after 30 days but i fear his rejection will just set me back after I have come this far.
Chris Seiter
May 11, 2015 at 5:38 pm
I think you are right to not contact him though.