Over the past few days I have received some interesting voice mails from a woman asking questions about her ex.
What is unique about these voice mails?
It’s the fact that she sent me so many of them.
Now, normally this kind of thing would get on my nerves but something about this woman made me want to answer her. Maybe it’s the fact that a lot of the questions she asked I felt the women of Ex Boyfriend Recovery could relate to.
All in all, this is a historic episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
Because it is the longest episode in the history of the podcast (this far.)
At 37 minutes I take the time to dissect this woman’s situation and answer all of her questions (and there are a lot.)
Oh, I should have mentioned this woman’s name, huh?
Her name is Cinnamon and here is a brief synopsis of her situation,
- She broke up with her boyfriend
- The two of them saw each other every single day
- They even had sex every single day
- She was a bit of a text gnat after the breakup
- She used the NC rule.
- NC seemed to work
- But is unsure of how to proceed
What I Talk About In This Episode
- My thoughts on relationships based only on sex
- I answer if Cinnamon can get her ex back
- I answer if Cinnamon should get her ex back
- What you should do if your get backed into a corner during NC
- What it means when a man talks about other women to you
- Does it mean anything when an ex inquires about your love life?
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
The Questions Cinnamon Asked
This is kind of a rapid fire Q & A podcast episode so it only makes sense that I talk a little about the questions I answered.
What I have decided to do is list the questions below and give you a very very very quick answer to them.
(You have to listen to the podcast for a detailed answer.)
Question 1- Does Cinnamon Have A Chance Of Getting Her Ex Back?
Question 2- Should She Get Her Ex Back?
Only if the relationship isn’t based off of sex.
Question 3- What Should You Do If Your Confronted During NC?
Simple, tell him that you weren’t in a place where you were ready to talk to anyone. Ask him to respect your decision.
Question 4- What Does It Mean If He Inquires About Your Love Life?
Its definitely bordering on a good sign. He may possibly be fishing. However, it’s not the be all end all.
Question 5- What Does It Mean If He Talks About Other Women?
Usually it means he is trying to make you jealous or “rub it in.”
Welcome to Episode 33 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m happy to have you here today. A lot has been happening with the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery brand. Lately my wife have been kicking an idea around. I wanted to get your thoughts on it. As you know, I run Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, the website where this podcast is featured.
Lately we’ve been getting a lot of comments from women who have hard issues that I can’t give the time to. I try to remedy that through this podcast but there are still too many. We get something like 11,000 to 13,000 people coming to the site every single day, and we receive comments and questions. Then when you answer the comments and questions, you get more comments and questions. It’s a never-ending cycle.
I feel like I don’t do a great job of answering everyone the way that they want to feel answered. Some people get mad at me because of it. If you’re one of these people who have been ignored through the comments or haven’t gotten the in depth responses that you wanted, I apologize. I really do. I just don’t have enough time.
Someone once got on me about this. They said, “Chris, you need to do a better job of answering us.” I thought about it a little bit. The truth is, I don’t have enough time to answer everyone fairly. I have to make a choice. Do I spend all of my time writing articles that reach hundreds of thousands of people that can help them all in one place? Or do I take every situation on, one by one?
I chose the articles because that’s the best way for the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery website to grow. It’s the best way to reach the most people. If you think about it, if you get 11,000 to 13,000 people coming to your website every single day, only a half percent of those people comment. There are even more people who are reading the advice online and not commenting.
The idea that my wife and I have been kicking around is creating a coaching service. It would be a service where we take on 15 to 25 situations and give them the in depth advice that they need. We were thinking of doing it through email and charging a monthly fee. You would be guaranteed a response in 24 hours with in depth details.
You can write us your situation and we’ll come up with a game plan for you. We’ll help you every step of the way until you get your ex-boyfriend back. If you don’t, we can even help you move on. We’ve been kicking that idea around. I don’t know if it will ever come to fruition. I wanted to get your thoughts on it. Do you think that’s a good idea? Ideally, the only way that I would ever do it is if it’s financially worth it for me. My time is very valuable. I’ve had people offer to pay me thousands of dollars for consults. If I did this, it would have to be worth it financially. I’m not a greedy person.
I don’t think I would charge anything insane, but it would have to be worth it financially. I wanted to get your thoughts on it and if you thought something like that might be worth it. You’d have a coach to help you along the way and tell you what to do in certain situations. You would be guaranteed a response in 24 hours.
We would really know your situation in depth like the back of our hands. My wife would help me on that down the road potentially. I want to know your thoughts on that. If you can, leave a comment in the show notes for Episode 33. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode33. Give me your thoughts and let me know if you think it’s an idea that you would be interested in or that you think others would be interested in.
Today we’re going to have a unique episode. It’s not going to be game plan oriented. It’s going to be a rapid fire Q&A session. This happened because I got one particular woman who is really curious about her ex. She has a lot of questions about her ex. She sent me about four or five voicemails asking different questions with her situation. Her name is Cinnamon.
When someone asks me that many questions, it is usually a little annoying. I’m not going to lie. But something about Cinnamon made me want to answer her. I don’t know what it is. She has an interesting quality to her. She seems like she’s very intent on listening. I’m going to shock her here. I’m sure she didn’t expect an answer from me. I’m going to record an extra-long episode today where I answer all of her questions.
I’m going to structure this episode a bit differently. There is probably not going to be a game plan. I’ll just be answering her questions, one by one. She sent me a bunch of voicemails. I’m going to play a voicemail for you. I’ll answer the question on that voicemail. Then I’ll move on to the next voicemail. I’ll play that one for you and answer the question.
Hopefully, at the end, you will have gotten an immense amount of value. Cinnamon asked some amazing and insightful questions that a lot of you have asked before but I’ve never gotten around to answering. Today I’m going to answer them all in one spot. It’s going to be a rapid fire Q&A with Cinnamon where she asks a bunch of questions about her ex-boyfriend.
Let’s hear a general overview of Cinnamon’s situation. Then we’ll get into the craziness where she became a bit of a voicemail gnat. She even joked about that in one of her voicemails. It’s all good. We’re all here to help each other.
Let’s hear from Cinnamon:
“Hi, Chris. I wanted to tell you how awesome you are. I want to thank you for all that you do. My name is Cinnamon and I don’t have a specific question. I just want your advice. I’m going to tell you my situation. I want you to tell me where you feel I went wrong and if you think that I can get my ex back, and if I can, what you think I should do.
I also have two scenarios. I want you to tell me as if I wanted to get him back if I could, and also tell me what I should do if I didn’t want him. I want to change his perception of me enough to where I could hold my head up high when I see him in public, because we do frequent a lot of the same places. I’m going to jump right into it. We broke up in July of last year.
After that, we continued to see each other every day. It was almost as if we never broke up. We saw each other every day. We had sex every day. That happened for a few months until he started seeming like he wasn’t very interested in me. I started texting, calling and gnatting him, like you said. One day, we got into a huge argument because I started begging for him back.
He hurt my feelings so I went into no contact. That lasted for almost three weeks and he went crazy. He would call me four times every day and leave voice messages, which were negative. He was cursing out my voicemail. I ended up answering a little bit before three weeks. At first he was attentive. Then after that, he fell back into his old ways.
We were in the same situation, still having sex and hanging out every day. They were not real dates, just hanging out. After that, I grew bored. I started to emotionally detach myself. I got tired of the same situation. I stopped seeing him. We would still talk but I stopped wanting to be around him. I started feeling like I was being tricked out of sex, even though I was giving it up willingly.
Lately, he’s been trying to be my “friend.” He calls me to just shoot the breeze and talk. He’s trying to friend zone me and talk about basic things. I’m really not feeling it. I think half of it is him trying to get me to see him.
He’s trying to make it seem like it’s innocent and then he’ll try to get romantic with me when he sees me, just for sex. I think the other half is because he is trying to friend zone me. I’m kind of worried. He tries to call me to talk about general things. I recently went into no contact. What do you think I should do?”
Cinnamon, thanks for your question. For those of you listening, this may be a bit hard to follow. She talked about a lot. I know Cinnamon’s situation quite well because I’ve listened to it four or five times. I took notes on it. To slow things down for the listeners, I’m going to recap her situation. At the same time, I will point out that she did want me to answer two questions. Before I answer those questions, I’ll recap her situation.
She said that they broke up in July of last year. They saw each other every single day. She also mentioned that they had sex every single day, which says a lot right there. I’ll hold my thoughts on that until after. She became a bit of a text gnat after the breakup.
She did do no contact on him for three weeks. It seemed to be quite effective. It also seemed to anger her ex quite a bit, as he left her pretty angry voice messages, which is not an uncommon thing. This is the equivalent of a man throwing a temper tantrum, like a child would. If this is happening to you and you’re using the no contact rule, do not freak out.
She feels kind of used by him for sex. She also wanted me to answer two questions. One is, can I get him back? Number two is, if I don’t want him back, what should I do?
Let’s tackle the “can I get him back” question. Cinnamon, it is very possible for you to get him back. It’s not a question of your chances of getting him back but more a question of what your relationship will be like. Good relationships are not just built on sex.
Eventually, someone’s libido is going to waver. When that happens, you usually find out who the two people in the relationship really are. You need more to fall back on than sex. It seems like this is what happened to you in this relationship, Cinnamon. You started to want more than just the sex, even if it was really good for both of you and you were enjoying each other. That’s fine but it’s human to want more. It seems like you wanted more and he was still stuck in the sex.
My question to you would be, if you really take a step back and look at the situation in the most logical manner that you can, let’s assume that you do get your ex-boyfriend back. Is your relationship going to change at all? I think it has to. If you want it to survive the long test of time, it can’t just be about sex. Right now, it seems that that’s his primary motivation. From everything that you’ve said, his actions are all pointing towards that. He wants to use you for sex.
The next question that you asked me talked about this a little bit. You talked about how you were feeling used by him, how he only calls you when he has a problem. It’s not a fair relationship. Again, I’ll get to that a little bit later. This is what happens. It seems like he is using you. It’s not a partnership.
Can you get him back? Yes, you can, Cinnamon. But something needs to change in the relationship. Albert Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result every time. If you get him back and get into this on-and-off dynamic, the problem with that is that nothing will change. He’s probably still going to want the same things. He’s probably still only going to want you for sex. Something has to change for your relationship to survive and for you to be happy.
Really, that’s why I am doing this. That’s why I created Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. It’s not just to get your ex-boyfriend back. It’s for you to find happiness. I think something is going to have to change for you to find happiness.
You also asked me, if you don’t want him back, what should you do? If you don’t want him back and you want to hold your head high, my advice to you would be to cut him out of your life completely. I don’t think that the two of you can ever be friends. I just don’t think so. I think, once the sex floodgates opened up for him, being friends was completely out of the question. He’s only going to want one thing from you, and that is sex.
Eventually, if you do try to be friends with him, he’s going to try to have sex with you down the road. That’s just my opinion. As a man, that’s what I think. That doesn’t necessarily make it true. It’s my opinion, Cinnamon.
If you decide that you do not want your ex-boyfriend back, cut him out of your life and move on. That would be the best thing for you. You’ll be able to move on and hold your head high. More importantly, you’ll be able to find happiness down the road with someone else. You’ll open your heart up to that.
You seem like you do want him back, so let’s operate under that assumption. Now I’m going to play Cinnamon’s second voicemail. Look at this voicemail as an extension of the first voicemail. She’s adding things on to what caused the demise of her relationship and what was hurting her. I think those of you who are going through a breakup and are trying to get your ex back can really identify with what Cinnamon is about to say here. I think I have some really good thoughts to add on to Cinnamon’s questions.
Let’s hear from Cinnamon again:
“Hi, Chris. This is Cinnamon again. I don’t mean to be a voicemail gnat, but I wanted to ask something. I said something about, right before I recently went into no contact, he was trying to contact me and be very casual. Another thing that I didn’t like was the simple fact that he was trying to be emotionally dependent upon me, like we were still in a relationship.
I would be there for him because he has a lot of family issues. Usually, I’m the one he can come and talk to in confidence. But that’s not my job anymore. He was trying to do that. He wanted to call me, tell me about his day and his problems. I don’t see why he would do that. That’s another thing that he did that I really didn’t like.
That goes along with the friend zone stuff that you were talking about. It felt like our last few conversations were all about him and none were about me. I feel like he was using me as a dumpster. He would dump all his negative energy on me. Then he’d want to get off the phone afterwards. That’s another reason why I recently went into no contact.
I felt like I was being used. I did stop seeing him. I haven’t seen him in a while. I felt like, even through the phone, he was trying to use me by calling me and needing an ear to hear. I felt like I was being taken advantage of. I wanted to know what you thought about that and if it goes with the friend zone or the friends with benefits type of thing.
I think he’s also trying to put the friend zone in there and mask friends with benefits. I think he’s trying to reel me in to come and see him. He’s making it seem innocent when he really wants something else.”
Again, thank you for your voicemail, Cinnamon. I think a lot of women listening to this can identify with you. What you described here, this dumpster effect, I like that analogy. He is using you as a dumpster. He’s dumping all of his negative energy and thoughts on you. He is essentially using you.
I talk a lot about this at Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, how some men will miss their ex-girlfriends to a point where they miss having the support that they had in the relationship. They are just going to use you. That’s not the way it should be at all. A relationship should be an equal partnership. It’s a two-way street. You are there for me, but I am there for you.
What he’s demonstrating is that, you’re there for him, but he’s not there for you. I’m more than happy with your reasoning for going into the no contact rule. I think it’s really smart. That’s probably the best way to approach this situation. What it all boils down to is respect. He doesn’t respect you.
Someone who uses you like that, who is willing to call you up on the phone and vent to you for an hour and a half about their problems, and isn’t willing to listen to yours is wrong. There are two sides to this equation here. His needs aren’t above yours.
In a perfect relationship, ideally everyone’s needs should be cared about and met by the other person. He obviously wants you to listen to his problems. Maybe he is trying to entice you. I don’t think it’s about that. I just think he doesn’t respect you. A man would never do that to a woman that he respects. A man would never vent to her constantly.
If a man really respected a woman, he would probably go out of his way to listen to her problems. He would sit down with her, hold her while she’s crying, caress her and be the support that she wants. To me, it seems like he’s not doing this for you at all.
It seems like you are doing this for him. The dynamic is completely wrong here. It needs to be even to where, “Okay, you’ve got problems. I’ve got problems, too. Let’s help each other out.” That’s the ideal way a relationship should work.
You also said something really interesting. You said that he’s trying to lure you into sex with this friend zone stuff. I completely agree. I’m a proponent of actions speaking louder than words. His actions here certainly seem to back that up. They seem to be very sex motivated. Every man has sexual needs that need to be met.
Let me give you an example. Let’s say that you are married to a man. When you first got married, you had sex a lot. But then, 50 years down the road, you and this man haven’t had sex in five years. A man has needs. Even women have needs.
Let’s make this more gender neutral. Everyone has needs. If you haven’t had sex in that long, the person is more amenable to looking elsewhere for it. Obviously, there are some serious problems in the relationship if that’s the case. Maybe there needs to be more communication between those two people or there is something else going on. Maybe the guy is getting it somewhere else. Who knows?
I’m just saying that he has needs. You seem to have met him better than any girl he knows. You’ve stuck in his mind, but you’ve stuck in his mind for the wrong reasons, Cinnamon. If you do try to get him back, do not sleep with him under any circumstances until he commits to you. Even when he commits to you, I want you to let him wait for a while. Wait for a couple of weeks, maybe even a month. I want you to take things slow.
What’s the reason for that? I want you to see his true self. I want you to really look at him and see what he does when sex is taken off the table. A relationship should be able to survive that. You’re basically telling him, “I want to wait a little bit.” He should be okay with that. What I think is going to happen is that he’s not going to be okay with it.
You’re going to see a really mean side to him. That’s what his actions have stated so far. But he may surprise you. You never know. If you do decide to get him back, I think you should take sex completely off the table. It will earn you some respect and also make you feel like you are the boss when it comes to that.
Let’s move onto your third voicemail. This is more of a general no contact question. Let’s hear it:
“Hi, Chris. This is Cinnamon again. I have another question. What should you do if you’re confronted about no contact? Let’s say you’re ignoring and you answer a private call. They reveal themselves and you’re on the spot. Do you hang up in their face? What do you say? Another scenario is if they see you in public and decide to approach you directly on the subject, like, “Hey, why are you ignoring me?” What should you do? I want to be prepared for that because I feel that’s probably what my ex-boyfriend is going to do next. I don’t know how to handle that.”
Cinnamon, you’re really making me earn my keep here. What should you do if you’re confronted about no contact? I get this question a lot. This isn’t anything abnormal here, Cinnamon. It’s a common fear that you have. I’ve seen it happen before with the private number example that you gave. I’ve seen people mishandle it and I’ve seen people handle it perfectly. Again, I’ve seen people not handle the in person thing well and I’ve seen people handle it incredibly well.
Now I’m going to explain both. I’m going to explain to you what happens when someone does not handle it well and also when they do handle it well. Let’s use the phone call as an example. If you get a private phone call one day, you pick it up and it’s your ex, hanging up on him is not the ideal way to approach this situation.
Why is that? If you’re trying to get your ex-boyfriend back and you’re using the no contact rule, let’s not lose sight of the end goal here. Hanging up on your ex-boyfriend on the spot is not cool. He’s not going to appreciate that. You will probably hurt your chances of getting him back. The good news is that no contact is working if this happens because he’s taking the time to private phone call you. It means you’re clearly in his head.
But do not lose sight of the end goal here. Instead, this is what you should do if you get a private phone call, it’s your ex and he confronts you on the spot. He might say, “Why are you ignoring me? I’ve messaged you 15 times. I’ve called you 28 times. Why haven’t you picked up?”
If he says that to you, I want you to reply very simply, “Look, I was not in a place where I was ready to talk to you emotionally. I’m going through some stuff. I hope you can respect that space. I’m at work right now. I have to go but thanks for reaching out. I really appreciate that you care enough to reach out to me. Thanks.” Then hang up.
That’s the right way to handle that situation. You’re going to talk to him on your terms, Cinnamon. Do not play this game on his terms anymore. That’s not how this is going to work. You’re not going to be successful at getting him back if you are playing a game where he’s rigged the rules in his favor. That answers that question.
Let’s move onto your final voicemail where you ask me two questions. Congratulations, Cinnamon. I’m pretty sure this is going to be the longest episode of Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. This is Episode 33 with rapid fire Q&A. You’ve made Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast history.
Let’s hear your last and final voicemail:
“Hi, Chris. This is Cinnamon, your best friend, again. I have a double question. If you and your ex are speaking, if they inquire about your love life, does that mean that they’re interested in you or they’re just trying to be an asshole?
When my ex and I were speaking and he was trying to friend zone me, when I didn’t answer my phone that often, once we did finally talk, he would ask me, “Hey, what guy has you hung up?” I never really gave him an answer on that because I didn’t feel like he deserved one. When guys do that, are they fishing? Why are they doing that? Do they actually care or are they just talking?
When your ex starts talking about other women, is it to make you jealous and get a reaction or is it because they’re actually over you? I wanted to know about those two things. I’m not sure if you’ve covered that. I’ve always been curious to know what that means when they inquire about your love life as well as when they try to bring people up. With him, it was never a particular woman.
He would just say, “Some girl is always texting me.” I didn’t know if that was him being an ass and trying to make me jealous or if he was really annoyed by some girl that keeps hitting him up. What do you think about that? I’m sorry to keep bombarding you but you’re a genius and I need your advice.”
Thanks, Cinnamon. Here’s a funny fact about me. If you stroke my ego—if you’re commenting and you say, “Ex-Boyfriend Recovery is the best website I’ve ever seen,” I’m probably going to respond to you in a good way. Just like any man, I like my ego stroked. Thanks for your kind words, Cinnamon, about the genius thing. I’ll do my best to answer your questions.
You asked me two questions. You asked what it means if your ex-boyfriend inquires about your love life and what happens if he talks about other women. Let’s talk about the love life first. A lot of women think this is the be all, end all. I personally don’t think it’s the be all, end all to tell if he’s into you or not.
I will say this. If an ex-boyfriend inquires about your love life, it does tell you that he’s thinking about you. I wouldn’t say that he’s concerned yet but he’s interested to know if you are dating or not. Men are protective. We’re territorial with our things, so to speak. Even though he’s your ex-boyfriend, he technically believes you’re still his in a way. He’s not going to be too thrilled with the idea of you dating another guy or being into another guy.
I think he’s inquiring for that reason. I think it’s an above average sign. It’s bordering on a good sign if an ex-boyfriend does this. I don’t think it’s the be all, end all that some women make it out to be. If he does do this, I would look at it as a little bit below a good sign. It’s above average. I don’t think there’s anything negative about him inquiring about your love life.
If he is bringing up other women, that’s interesting. He’s clearly trying to overcompensate for something or he’s trying to make you jealous. Logically, every man knows that no woman is going to be thrilled with the idea of your ex talking about another woman.
If I were to put myself in his shoes and he did that, the only reason I could see myself doing that is if I knew I wanted to make you jealous. Then I would bring up other women. I would say, “I went on this date with this one girl.” If he does do that, he is trying to make you jealous and elicit a reaction. I think that is a good sign. It means he still cares about you on some level.
I hope that answers your questions, Cinnamon. I hope I did a decent job for you. This was a unique episode here. This was a longer episode. I kind of enjoyed myself. If you’re listening to this episode and you’re going to record a voicemail where you send me 15 questions, I’m not going to be doing this all the time. This would be on a “when I want” basis.
This entire podcast is on a “when I want” basis. I try to post three a week for the people who are continually coming back to the website and are interested in things. I like to do things on my schedule. I have a lot of other stuff in the works. I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you’re listening, Cinnamon, I really hope I helped you out a lot. If anyone has any questions, please comment in the show notes of this episode. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode33.
Again, I want to get your thoughts on the personal coaching idea that I mentioned at the beginning of this episode. Comment so that I can get your thoughts on that. That’s going to do it for Episode 33. I’ll try to have some out tomorrow or the next day. I am doing this on a “when I want” basis. My goal is to have three a week done. I’ll see you later.