By Chris Seiter

Updated on May 18th, 2021

How do you make someone want you back?

It’s an interesting question, isn’t it?

In fact, I’d argue that it’s a flawed question. Making someone do something implies that you are removing choice from the equation and as you’re about to learn choices or a lack of choices often inform missed opportunities.

But enough mumbo jumbo talk.

Today I’m going to be teaching you what you have to do to make an ex want to get you back.

You ready?

4 Ways To Make Someone Want You Back

In my opinion, four things need to happen for someone to want you back. When I say that you get into “checklist mode.”

That’s the wrong way to look at this.

Instead, try to look at these four things as working together in tandem.

One isn’t more important than the others and doing one alone isn’t going to get you success. It’s only by doing all at once that you’ll see results.

  1. Understand The Ultimate Strategy Is Filled By Regret
  2. Regret Is All About Missed Opportunities
  3. Understand The Reasons For Why Exes Commonly Come Back
  4. Find Subtle Ways To Hit On Those Reasons


I’d be shocked if you weren’t.

Allow me to explain.

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Way #1: This Strategy Is All About Regret

If you want to make someone come back back to you then one thing you’re going to need plenty of is regret.

If you’re well read in this area then you’d know that tactics like the no contact rule, tide theory and date theory are essential for getting someone back. However, those strategies only work if regret is built into it.

Now, just to be clear when I say regret I’m not talking about you feeling regret.

I’m talking about your ex feeling regret.

Regret often creates action and that’s exactly what we want.

Let’s use a real life example.

Let’s pretend you are talking to your best friend after their parents passed away.

Rightfully, they are a blubbering mess and keep going on about how they regret not talking to their parents more.

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You are very empathetic and start thinking about your own parents and how you haven’t talked to them in a while. So, because of your friends awful experience you take the action and decide to call your parents just to talk.

In this particular example, you are taking action based off of watching someone else’s regret.

That’s how powerful it is.

It didn’t even happen to you and you are still taking action.

The only question is how?

How do you make someone regret leaving you?

Way #2: Regret Is All About Missed Opportunities

For those of you that want the quick version,

Missed opportunities and regret go hand in hand.

I’ll give you a few examples.

Consider the idea of a vasectomy or a tattoo.

With a vasectomy a man is permanently removing his ability to have children.

With a tattoo you are permanently placing a picture on your body.

Johnny Depp knows all about this as he got this tattoo when he was with Winona Ryder,

Winona Forever…

The problem was that Mr. Depp wasn’t with Winona forever so he came to regret the tattoo. In fact, he regretted the tattoo so much that he got in covered up,

Now it says “Wino Forever…”

Now, I just gave you two examples of decisions that people can easily regret.

  1. A vasectomy
  2. A tattoo

What do these two decisions have in common?


Without permanence there is nothing to regret with those decisions. In fact, they can only be regretted because of their permanence.

I suppose with a tattoo this is a debatable point but let’s pretend that it’s not.

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The fact that once you make this decision it’s a done deal.

You’ll have to live with your decision forever is enough to create regret. So, in a strange way it’s all about the future opportunities you might miss.

Sure, you might not want to have kids now but what about later when you get married and you change your mind?

Oops… you can’t.

You got a vasectomy.

Here’s my point.

The more permanent the decision the greater the potential regret. One of the biggest mistakes I see people making is wanting their exes too much. This is a mistake.

Breaking up with someone is not a permanent decision.

Everyone knows they could always reconnect.

However, things get real and regret can take hold if you can convince your ex it is permanent (even if it’s not.)

Permanence Is All About The Future

Have you ever stopped and wondered why permanent decisions are so easy to regret?

It’s because the potential for a future isn’t there.

I’ll give you a real life study to back this up.

Scientists were curious as to how people responded to regrets. They wanted to see if people would regret pass misses or future misses more. So, here’s the experiment they performed.

They had people choose between two mugs.

One mug had a discount given a few weeks ago while the other mug was going to have a mug offered at a discount in the future.

Scientists found that possible future regret influenced peoples decisions more than regret caused by a past miss

In other words, more people chose the future based discount as opposed to the past one.


Here’s my ultimate point.

If you want to get things firing on all cylinders then you’d be very smart to highlight future missed opportunities to your ex as opposed to past ones.

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Way #3: Understand The Reasons For Why Exes Typically Come Back

Let’s move away from regret and on to a different tactic.

I’ve been doing this a long time and one thing that I always find interesting are the real reasons people come back to their exes.

They are all over the spectrum.

To date, here’s what I’ve seen,

  1. Possession
  2. Nostalgia
  3. A Need For Victory
  4. It’s Harder Out There Than They Think
  5. A Fear Of Being Alone
  6. Unfinished Business
  7. A Desire To Change

You may have noticed that I’ve put four of the seven reasons in bold.

Why do you think I did that?

Quite frankly, those are the most common reasons I’ve seen exes reconnect.

They also happen to be the only reasons you have some measure of influence over.

What do I mean by that.

Well, I mean that as you go about trying to get your someone back you can do or say certain things that can help your ex feel more possession for you. You can bring up the high points of your relationships to highlight nostalgia.

You can aggravate their fear of being alone by actually leaving them alone.

Hell, you can even simply just talk to them and without doing anything make them feel they left business unfinished with you.

Way #4: Find Subtle Ways To Hit On Those Reasons

Last night I was thinking about what makes a good story.

It’s something that fascinates me because I’ve always had ambitions to write my own book.

We all have certain types of stories we are drawn to.

Personally, I prefer stories that are more serious as opposed to funny.

However, I got curious if this was actually true or if I was just selling myself short so I did something I never thought to do before.

I started listing out my favorites stories in pretty much any medium,

  1. Books
  2. TV Shows
  3. Movies
  4. Etc..

The list got big,

And that’s not even half the list (so far.)

The interesting part about this list is that not all of the stories are dramatic.

Some of them are comedic.

Some of them are straight up actions.

Hell, some of them are horrifying,

Each of these stories make me feel different things and that’s when the light bulb when off.

What makes a story great to me isn’t that it goes all in on being dramatic.

It isn’t that it goes all in on being funny.

It goes all in on making me feel.

A great story has the ability to run the gauntlet of human emotions,

  • It makes me laugh
  • It makes me cry
  • It makes me angry
  • It makes me scared
  • It makes me giggle with glee at two characters interacting
  • It makes me throw a book across the room
  • It makes me need to find out what happens next
  • It makes me feel love

If someone were to put up a scale of human emotions a great story would make me feel all of the possible emotions.

Now, this seems off topic but it’s really not.

Before this section I just gave you a list of reasons that exes actually come back.

I even went further and listed out the reasons you have control over.

Instead of just assuming that your ex is going to fall into one of those categories why not take my story approach and do your best to influence all of the reasons you possibly can.

Imagine if you could make your ex feel not only regret but you could also,

  • Hit on their nostalgia
  • You could do subtle things to make them obsessed with you
  • If you could make them feel paranoid by making them feel they will be alone without you
  • Hell, what if you could subtly highlight that they have unfinished business with you

That’s how you get someone back.

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17 thoughts on “How To Make Someone Want You Back”

  1. Tammy

    December 14, 2018 at 2:24 am

    Hey Chris…well two months passed so I reached out via Instagram message since he blocked me from WhatsApp and iMessage two months ago after I told him my feelings. He read my message (it was a simple and nice message about his favorite football team and a how’ve you been), he immediately blocked me. Where am I supposed to go from here? To resort to blocking me immediately 2 months after zero contact makes me feel like he hates me and that we’re never going to speak again because he pretty much blocked me from everything…I never wanted things to get this bad..Please help

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 15, 2018 at 12:10 am

      Hi Tammy….I recently wrote a pot about blocking on my site…..go check it out!

  2. Tammy

    December 11, 2018 at 5:28 pm

    Hey Chris…well two months passed as of yesterday so I reached out via Instagram message since he blocked me from WhatsApp and iMessage two months ago after I told him my feelings. He read my message (it was a simple and nice message about his favorite football team and a how’ve you been), he immediately blocked me. Where am I supposed to go from here? To resort to blocking me immediately 2 months after zero contact makes me feel like he hates me and that we’re never going to speak again because he pretty much blocked me from everything…Please help

  3. Tammy

    December 10, 2018 at 6:44 pm

    Hey Chris,

    Tammy here – Finished a very lengthy no contact. He blocked me from Whatsapp and iMessage 2 months ago – I am still blocked. I added him on snapchat yesterday, which is an app I hardly use but thought would be less anxiety inducing. He still hasn’t added me back, which I don’t anticipate him doing. We don’t follow each other on Instagram, but would a message to him on Insta be fine as that seems to be the only way I have of communicating? If so, how long do I wait as I added him on snap yesterday.

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 10, 2018 at 11:18 pm

      Hi Tammy…My program calls for reaching out after NC period is over….doing so by text with an ABI (Always Be Interesting) type of first contact message. Texting, if not blocked, usually a better approach, but Instagram might work too. I discuss this in some details in my eBook PRO.

  4. Asma

    November 5, 2018 at 7:20 pm

    Hi Chris, This is a long distance relationship. I was dating a guy for 11 months and 4. Months ago he told me that his parents wants him to marry his cousin so he is moving on. His cousin currently lives in a home country and he is in another country. He trust his parents alot for sure he told me once. We have alot of feelings for each other, thats why he wants me to stay friends with him regardless. One time he asked me about getting married and then backed off because i mistakenly showed desperation.

    Recently a month ago we argued coz i talked about getting married to him or asked as to why did he dump me, i guess my wrong move. He said that I told u previously that im engaged with my cousin. I didnt make any promise to you.  Good luck finding another guy. While talking i also noted that when i tried to seduce him, he was potraying another girl into me which was hurtful. I said to him pls follow your heart and go with your desicion,  he got mad and blocked me for 3 wks on whats app. I stopped following his post on snapchat and the result is he got back and contacted me. I am doing no contact rule for 10 days now .Iam serious abt him. The problem is I feel i have put enough time into it but got nothing out of it. I dont want him to marry the other girl. I think he is more into his parents and I wanna know how to change his mindset.  I want him to reconsider me and i wanna show that im better choice than another girl that his parent have actually chose. do you have any suggestions ?

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 5, 2018 at 9:19 pm

      Hi Asma!

      Pretty mean of him to block you for 3 weeks. Glad you are doing no contact. Go pick up my ebook “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” if you have not already done so as it is an outstanding Companion Guide!

  5. Bethany

    November 5, 2018 at 8:31 am

    My boyfriend left me because of the arguments.
    I’m at university and he’s at home, we have been together three and a half years.
    I asked him for a break rather than to end it , but he wanted it to end he removed all photos and everything of me.
    Do you think there is any chance he will come back to me?

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 5, 2018 at 9:36 pm

      Hi Bethany!

      I like your odds. First of all, 3+ years is a good amount of traction and roots get laid down, making it hard for any guy to simply just fold the tent and give up on the relationship so easily. Best to implement no contact. Pick up my 485 page eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” as it is will serve as your Companion Guide walking you thru this post breakup period.

  6. tammy

    November 4, 2018 at 9:21 pm

    Thanks for your insight Chris. I guess now my question is, based on my story and the fact that the guy pretty much ended things with me, rejected me when I suggested getting back together, rejected me when I expressed my feelings again and said we shouldn’t see each other again, and said he is seeing someone else, I’m curious why you believe I might have a shot? I do still have feelings for him and would like to try again, but I guess his actions, like you said, have made me feel confused and upset.

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 4, 2018 at 10:25 pm

      Hi again Tammy!

      Some guys can be stubborn to a fault and not always that well connected to their deepest feelings. I can take them awhile to “figure things out”. And while your chances certainly are not high, you can still move on without completely dialing it down to 0% chance.

  7. Tammy

    November 3, 2018 at 3:03 am

    Hey Chris, not sure if my comment was received/posted. But I could really use some help. I’ve written on here before so recap: we decided to be casual, he slept with someone else and didn’t tell me, I got upset, he broke up with me, I found out he gave me an STI, we had lunches, I tried to get back together, he initially said he would think about it and then changed his mind, he said we should be apart from a month and if we changed our minds we could talk. I tried to focus on myself within that month, my feelings didn’t change, I reached out to him for lunch, we had a good time, I tried to ask for drinks, he said we shouldn’t see each other at all. Then I got emotional but finally told him that I would give him space. A few weeks went by and I went out with a friend who told me a story about his dating life, which felt close to home. I got drunk, I essentially reached out to him via whatsapp and told him that I would walk away if he told me he didn’t feel anything for me at all. He told me he was seeing someone else, it was early, but that it didn’t feel right to talk to anyone else. He then said he thought we shouldnt see each other again. I essentially told him that I felt a type of love towards him, but then said goodbye. A few days went by and I felt embarrassed so I apologized to him for flipping out on him and told him I would give him space. He then blocked me from whatsapp. What am I supposed to do? Did I technically already do the whole no contact for a month thing? Should I do it again and try to follow him on insta and then reach out with something small? I’ve tried focusing on myself and dating other guys, but my feelings for him are still there. I just want some type of connection to him. Please help.

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 4, 2018 at 1:10 am

      Hi Tammy!

      Wow…you have been thru a lot. Its going to get better. I no its confusing. Yes, I do think some time and space is in order. Him blocking you seems to be a signal he wants space. Focus on your own recovery so you feel right in the mind and you find your emotional balance Also, explore all the resources I have on the site. After a period of time has gone by, then yes, its worth reaching out again, but it do it in accordance with the way I teach it!

  8. Jennifer

    November 2, 2018 at 11:06 pm

    How exactly do you mean to highlight future missed opportunities as opposed to past ones?

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 3, 2018 at 2:22 am

      Hi Jennifer!

      Think about those things in the future that you want to see happen. often they are missed opportunities, unless you think about them first and work toward making them a reality.

      I believe the future is always moving with possibilities and you can choose a path to help bring about your desired future.

  9. sam

    October 28, 2018 at 6:27 pm

    My no contact is coming to a close in about a week or so. Do you think that bringing up a regret or missed opportunity in the initial message is a good way to restart dialogue?

    1. Chris Seiter

      October 29, 2018 at 2:53 am

      Hi Sam!

      I wrote a book, called the “No Contact Rule book” that get into all of those things and much, much more. I don’t think you want to lead with a regret or missed opportunity message. Not what I teach. I do cover that subject matter in my eBook, “The Texting Bible”. So give those resources a look as there is so much more of me in those Guides than I can give you here in brief moments!