By EBR Team Member: Ashley

The first time I ever fell in love I hit the jackpot. Okay, maybe not exactly THE jackpot. I was 19 and I was in love, so, to me this guy could do no wrong.

He was skinny, and a little bit of a jerk to everyone we knew.

But not to me.

Okay, maybe a little bit. But I didn’t notice till years later.

I had watched Grease so many times I thought unrequited love was romantic or something.

Okay our love wasn’t quite unrequited, but he had this really strange allergy.

No…

Not to anything food-related or anything like that. Although I hear this affliction is quite common these days.

Anytime, I would even hint that I was even thinking about considering mentioning that we should make our relationship official or something this horrible thing would happen to him.

It wasn’t anything as horribly painful as hives or anything. But, he would have something very similar to a panic attack.

This would lead to him to break out in something I can only describe as disappearing for weeks, sometimes months, at a time.

It was like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. He’d be there one second and then POOF! He was gone. Leaving nothing but trails of smoke behind him and a very very confused girl, infatuated with him, heartbroken.

It was awful. I didn’t know what to do. Usually, I would be distraught the entire time he was gone, which usually lasted a week sometimes longer.

My schoolwork and my health suffered tremendously. If we happened to turn up at the same place, he would almost magically escape before I could even say hi.

As you can imagine, I was devastated. However, his affliction had another symptom! As soon as I would turn my focus back to school and found ways to stop pining over him, his radar would go off.

I don’t know how it works exactly, but the second I wasn’t thinking about him his sickness would magically disappear, erasing all memory that it ever happened. Apparently, this amnesia was contagious, because, when he would waltz back into my life it was as if I didn’t remember it at all and the whole cycle would begin again.

It was all very impossible to explain. I’m shocked that Night-Line never did a special.

 

“This just in, Texas man mysteriously turns into smoke when even the faintest hint of commitment is in the air.”

Looking back, I realize he was just terrified of commitment.

Once he was so affected by his illness that he broke out with another girlfriend for a whole year. By then I had gotten so used to his song and dance that I didn’t even miss a beat.

I was done pining in about a week and found myself bartending to fill my time. I eventually found myself dating other people and having a good time. However, his commitment phobia must’ve been catching because I couldn’t get close to someone to save my life. I would come up with the most ridiculous reasons not to let someone get to know me for a very long time

I was almost completely convinced that the second I did they would leave. Or worse, if we did get serious, I was positive my phobic ex would show up and I’d drop this new guy as if it was nothing because I was still so hung up on guy number one.

It was a vicious cycle.

I didn’t properly date anyone until I’d graduated college.

However, after a year or so, his new girlfriend found herself hinting at marriage (what? Was she crazy?!) and he ditched her too.

Surprise surprise he wound up worming his way back into my life under the pretense of friendship.I had grown tired of unrequited love by this point and he found himself dealing with a very lonely existence.

There was nothing I could do.

I was just a kid but even I knew it was time to pull the plug and walk away, but I learned some incredibly useful information from the whole ordeal.

Man, do I wish I knew then what I know now.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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How to Identify Commitment Phobia?

  1. His Past Relationships

This one is simple. If you look at all of the relationships he had before you, you’ll notice a pattern. They will all have been remarkably short-lived for whatever reason. Generally, at the first sight of any attempt to pin him down and take away his precious freedom. Perhaps she was monopolizing his time or dictating who he could and couldn’t be friends with.

Relationships are built on trust and the ability to live separate lives while also moving forward together.

  1. His Ability to Make Plans

Often, a commitment-phobe will avoid making plans for the distant future at all cost. For example, if all of your dates are spur-of-the-moment type things. Talking about things to do in the future creates the illusion that things will last that long. However, actually making plans that are set in stone with reservations or pre-purchased tickets are a rarity in the world of a commitment-phobe.

  1. His Speech Patterns

This falls in line with his ability to make plans. Instead of saying,

“I’ll be there at 6 o’clock,”

or

“I’ll get off work at 4:30,”

he’ll likely lean toward using modifiers, such as, probably, maybe, about, or my favorite I’ll try.

“I’ll try and be there around 6.”

“Maybe we’ll go to that concert in a few months.”

“I’ll be off around 4:30”

This way of speaking gives him what my grandmother called wiggle-room. A true commitment-phobe clings to uncertainty like a toddler clings to a security blanket. It’s his Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card in case he decides he doesn’t actually want to follow through.

  1. His Ability to Create Meaningful Bonds

It’s not just in dating that he won’t let people get close. This barricade extends to most, if not all, of his relationships. He might be out of communication with his parents or simply not have a close bond with them. Or, perhaps they are the ONLY people he seems to be close to. Regardless, he will have very few close relationships. If you found that some of his friends would turn to you to fill in the blanks when misunderstanding come up or your ex would act strangely, then it’s likely that they are also held at arms length.

  1. His Relationships Tend to Be Undefined

I have the advantage of always being able to make friends with everyone I meet. It’s a rare talent these days, I know. A year or so ago I dated this guy whose best friend was going through a breakup of his own. So, he would confide in and bounce ideas off of me when he was feeling conflicted, since I’m good with heloping tith that kind of thing. We became incredibly good friends because of it.

One day he expressed his concern as to whether my guy was going to treat me like he did his exes. He said I was different from them, but it was kind of my ex’s nature to treat women like they were disposable. It was clear to me then that he had never even actually dated any of them… and had no intention of dating me.He would go out of his way to keep things as unofficial as possible. He nearly had a panic attack when someone called me his girlfriend.

Needless to say, that didn’t last long.

So, if your guy avoided titles or suddenly became very pale any time anyone hinted that he was your boyfriend, then it’s quite possible that he was avoiding commitment all-together.

  1. His Unpredictable Responses

His mood regarding you might have seemed to be carefully balanced on the edge of a knife, meaning it could go either way at any moment.

One day he would be incredibly sweet, treating you as if you were the only girl he’d ever look at lovingly. Other girls didn’t exist. Then, overnight it was like he forgot all of that and there was this immense ocean between the two of you. At the time, it may have seemed as though it was hard to explain and may have caused even more issues between the two of you.

This sudden change of heart, or more aptly, flip-flopping of the heart was caused by his sudden realization that he had let down his guard and over-compensated by putting it back up ten-fold.

  1. His Fear of the Future

If you ever mentioned to him that you were considering getting more serious, then you may have found him a little less than receptive. Meeting the parents or mention of moving in together, things like this will have sent him into panic mode. He may have even picked a fight with you over something trivial and used that as an excuse to become severely distant or worse break up. Basically, any discussion of getting serious would send him into a tail-spin.

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What are Common Causes of Commitment Phobia?

There are two theories from Carl Rusbult regarding relationships, Interdependence Theory and Social Exchange Theory. When combined, the two theories basically boil down to three things.

Fulfillment – Costs verses Benefits. Man, that sounds like the introduction to an economics class. Well, it’s very similar. The costs and rewards get broken down into four sub-groups.

Emotional – This one is fairly simple. It falls into the positive and negative feelings regarding the relationship.

Instrumental – The instrumental costs are the things you start doing during the relationship that are things you wouldn’t normally do and don’t actually like to do. Kind of like the cons in a pros and cons list. Then there are the rewards, i.e. the pros, which would be the things that you didn’t neccesarily like doing that you don’t have to anymore. For example, you might see emptying the trash more often, because your boyfriend was over a lot adding to the trash, as a cost. But having someone around to cook for you and splitting the chorses would be a reward.

Opportunity – Now, THIS ONE is actually from Economics 101. An opportunity cost is anything you have to give up in order to have something else, like if you gave up on your dream and moved to be with him. Basically, it’s a trade-off. The rewards would be things like if you moving meant you get to split bills and possibly get to live some place new which means adventure which is a plus usually.

 

It’s so simple right? Then it all breaks down into more specific basic costs and rewards, each of which I’ve laid out here:

Social – Most of the research refers to a partner’s social status and proficiency. But I think that the social costs might extend to losing touch with friends or maybe having to pretend to like a few people you aren’t exactly fond of. But on the upside, you might get to meet some really great people and he may even have some contacts that will be good for you in business, as well.

Options – Like all women know, a few options are good but unlimited will bring you to a standstill. Just walk into any shoe store and you will understand this. It is very similar to walking into the heel department and instantly finding twenty shoes that you seem to pick a favorite. If a man finds himself faced with several women he considers viable options, then it is likely that he will have an issue picking one to be his favorite.

In order to stand out in a sea of BCBG slingbacks, you should be Louboutins. Be undeniably you… the very best version of you. Insert some inspirational quote here involving a crowd and going against it or something. Just remember… be Louboutins!! Block out all other options.

Investments – When you have invested a lot into the relationship, then you are less likely to set it aside or notice other options.

So everything is related. When you have made investments and are feeling fulfilled, you don’t notice other options. This increases the likeliness that you are going to feel more committed.

Someone who is afraid of commitment would be likely to run away if he feels like he’s suddenly too invested or feeling too happy with the way things are going. They are also more likely to notice other options when they realize that they are traveling towards possible commitment.

 

There are Fundamental reasons that lead people to see the world this way, always expecting the worst to come from letting their guard down.

Here are a few examples:

  1. Fear of Losing Independence

It’s like couples merge when they get together these days. All individuality is pooled into some type of sole persona. A lot of times men avoid commitment simply because they fear that they’ll no longer be allowed to be themselves.

  1. Fear Being Used

Another common thread in stories about relationships these days is a nightmare for most men, women dating men, getting pregnant on purpose and the roping them into 18 years of child support and limited access to his child.

  1. Fear of Rejection

He may be fully aware of your current desire to be with him, but he doesn’t know if there’s something you haven’t told him. You might have reasoning to change your mind. You might decide that there is someone else better for you. You might decide that he’s not good enough.

This spurs from low self esteem and self-doubt, which could go back as far as his upbringing.

  1. Idealized Expectations

Generally, it’s women who imagine the perfect man and hold out for “prince-charming.” But men occasionally find themselves creating impossible checkpoints for the women they’d like to end up with. Often times both sexes see themselves with someone who lacks faults, leaving them seeing everyone they even briefly consider dating as less-than.

  1. Childhood Trauma

Being a child of divorce or separation would lead to aversion of commitment as an adult, along with being on the receiving end of abusive parenting. I mean, watching the people around you, parent, friends, or family, go through painful separations can make anyone go out of there way to avoid going through that themselves.

  1. Fear of Failure

Having low self esteem doesn’t simply mean he think you’ll wake up one day and decide that he isn’t good enough or that someone else is better. He might actually think that he isn’t good enough for you or that he doesn’t deserve to be happy. This can be a reflection of his childhood, as well. If he tried his best throughout his younger years only to be met with criticism and disappointment, he may simply anticipate letting you down if he commits.

  1. Other Relationship Traumas

If he was previously in a relationship that ended in divorce, then he may just not be sure what caused it. He may just fear it happening again.

Or in some relationships the two people get so involved with each other that their friendships fall to the wayside.

The main thing you need to know about commitment-phobes, or at least most commitment-phobes, is that they enjoy the chase and the beginning of the relationship. It’s all about the excitement and the lack of seriousness. Once the fun and excitement disappears, the fear and thoughts of running appear.

How to Reestablish Interest with Your Ex

This is where your traditional ExBoyfriend Recovery tactics come in. I’ll be linking over to several other articles that you might want to check out when the time comes so I’m not merely repeating information you may have already read.

The first, and in my opinion  most important, tactic is No Contact. There is nothing less interesting than someone jumping up and down in front of you going “Pay attention to Me!” This is how you take that epic step back and make him realize that he might just be losing you. (It doesn’t have to be true, you just want that idea to appear in the back of his mind and then grow exponentially with every day that you aren’t chasing him and begging for him to “Just talk to you please.”

Look at the article about No Contact and decide how long of a No Contact Period will work for you. Then stick to it. There is nothing harder than cutting someone off and sticking to it, especially when you care about that person. I understand. You will feel the urge to make excuses as to why you should be allowed to break no contact. You might even convince yourself completely. However Chris covered what reasons are legitimate and what reasons aren’t in another article. So, when  you get to that point when you are trying to reason yourself into being able to break no contact early, and it WILL happen, go read the article on when is it okay to break No Contact.

While you are doing no contact, you need to unfollow him on as many fronts as possible. This will help cut down on the urge to reach out to him. Don’t un friend him, just unfollow him or hide his posts so you won’t see them. The idea here is that he can see you, but you can’t see him. This gives you an invisible power of sorts. You can control what he sees.

 

Start working on bettering your life while simultaneously looking at the way you went about the relationship with your ex. First ask yourself some questions to figure out what responsibility you contributed to this situation.

  • Did you stop going to the gym and taking care of yourself?
  • Were you inserting yourself into his children’s’ lives too quickly or aggressively or undermining him as a parent?
  • Have you been ignoring what he wants while staying focused on your wants?
  • Did you respect him and his boundaries?
  • Are you responsible with your finances?
  • Did you have similar goals, either long-term or short-term?
  • Did you push for too much too soon?

You see, by asking yourself these questions and answering them for yourself, you can narrow down some changes that you need to make. I emphasize ASK YOURSELF and ANSWER THEM YOURSELF, because so many people feel like they need to us this step as an excuse to reach out to their ex and batter them with questions.

Don’t do it! Besides, no ex will ever give a clear answer anyways, because they either don’t want to hurt your feelings or are deadest on hurting your feelings. You are better off diciding what mistakes you made in the relationship and what things you let slide during the relationship and putting effort into fixing any of them that you can.

I always suggest hitting a gym, because that is a change that takes almost no interaction to notice.

You want to become that woman you’ve always wanted to be on as many fronts as possible.

If you did manage to set it up so that you are still friends with your ex on social media, while also making it so you don’t have to see his posts constantly, I suggest taking pics of a few milestones as you hit them,like if you decide to take up kick boxing or something. This will peak his interest because clearly your life didn’t stop without him. It’ll have him eating out of your hands eventually if you do it correctly.

My one bit of advice on this front is to keep the same posting pace that you had before. If you were only posting once or twice a week, then you don’t want to suddenly be posting 800 updates a day. Trust me, your ex will know exactly what you are doing. However, if you go about it consciously and limit your posts to important milestones and announcements, then he’ll truly wonder what is going on with you. No one needs to know that you made yet another trip to the coffee shop unless you happened to meet and hang out with George Clooney there.

How Not to Scare Him Away

After you get him back, and I stress AFTER, you need to continue working on yourself and your situation.  I’m just going to progress with this section ASSUMING that you understand that this is AFTER you get him back.

First of all, you don’t want to just work on your side of things and then quit once you get what you get him back. Eventually, he’ll realize what happened (it wouldn’t take a rocket scientist) and he’ll just walk away again, maybe this time for good.

So, don’t abandon your self improvement just because you got the guy back. Stick to it. Keep improving. There is nothing more motivating than watching the people close to you move forward. Simply for lack of not wanting to be left behind, your (no longer) ex boyfriend will have to do a little growing up to keep up.

Taking into account the types of issues we discussed earlier regarding the causes of fear of commitment is incredibly important when deciding how to move forward with things now that you’ve got your ex back. Like I said earlier though, Commitment-Phobes are all about the fun and exciting parts of the relationship. The best way to deal with this dilemma is to sprinkle the seriousness in every now and again amongst the casual and exciting stuff. Do your best not to be pushy or overwhelming. Talk about things as they come up, but keep a reign on how aggressive you get. With a partner that doesn’t have an issue with commitment, you might be tempted to push your luck. Definitely avoid this at all costs with a sommitment-phobe or he’ll disappear faster than the road runner.

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105 thoughts on “How Do I Get My Commitment Phobic Ex Boyfriend Back?”

  1. Avatar

    Maggie

    August 28, 2020 at 11:53 pm

    Hi.
    My and my husband just got separated. I think he has commitment issues. We got married in Feb this year 2020 and he lost his mind after 2 months. I saw him talking on the phone with a mother women. So we fight and he ask me for a breake. I gave him a break. But after 6 wk he was still confounded. So we desired to separate.
    He says he does love me but he need to be alone now.
    I don’t know what to do any more. I want to get back with him. We’ve been together for 5years.

  2. Avatar

    Rachel

    April 18, 2020 at 1:03 am

    After a few dates, the guy I was dating (10 years older than me) had to leave for a few months on a work trip. While he was gone, we facetimed a lot and then decided we would continue forward with each other. He had been through a divorce over a year ago, so I wanted to address that making sure he was good for a relationship before we began–he confirmed he was as he had been in counseling to stop putting blame on himself (all sounding very mature and I was surprised how vulnerable he was being with me). As time went on, facetime decreased, then phone calls, then texts. I brought it up a few times and he apologized for how difficult it was when he wanted breaks after long work days and didn’t feel like reaching out. It didn’t make sense to me that he couldn’t send me even a quick text at the end of the day and I brought that up again a few weeks before he was coming home. He got really upset saying he couldn’t handle the immaturity. I expressed my frustration that me wanting to hear from him was not immature. I reached out a few days later saying I wanted to understand why it was so hard for him and that we could talk when he got home. We went on a date when he got back and it was really nice. I tried bringing up the problem and he said he didn’t want to then. When we left, he asked to see me over the weekend and I told him to let me know when. He never did. I asked him about it the next week and he apologized saying he was busy with helping his parents and friend. Since we work together, I saw him every day. But he continuously said he promised things to his friends and didn’t have too much time outside of work. Interactions at work were good, but definitely not enough. We went on one lunch date and then finally another real date a few weeks later–which, again, was a really good date where he shared a lot of personal things with me. Waiting to plan another date, I realized how our conversations were hot and cold and asked about it and he said he didn’t notice. After a month and a half of no dates, I called him out on it (texting because we haven’t been able to meet in person) saying it seemed like we weren’t trying to date anymore. He said if that’s what I wanted. I told him it wasn’t, but I was basing it off of his actions of not going on dates. He mentioned again that he gets really busy and has a lot going on. I said I knew that but me wanting to date him meant I wanted to see him. I asked what he wanted and he didn’t say anything back. I saw him at work and was ignoring him because I was frustrated that he was disrespecting me. I don’t want to be immature about it, but I don’t want him to think I will just be waiting around hoping he will want me. We have to talk about us and I know I need that to consider dating him–it’s annoying that I know he’s capable of it, because he did it in the past, so I am holding on to that hope that he’ll want to do it again. His divorce is making me think he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship like he thought and as soon as he felt like I wanted to amp up our relationship, he began to put up boundaries and then go hot and cold. I’m just very lost in what to do…

  3. Avatar

    Cameron

    February 19, 2020 at 9:31 pm

    I dated my ex twice in the last year. The first time when I met him he broke it off out of the blue after 3 months. I was taken by surprise as things were going so well. We went our separate ways. Throughout the next 9 months I reached out here and there checking in. He never texted first…until one day we started talking more again. We rekindled our relationship and it was very different this time around. I decided to give it another chance not understanding why the break up happened. We were on a deeper level and no longer just surface Kind of stuff. He was the one slowly moving things along and I just went with the flow being sure not to push anything. I was still nervous from last time and unsure if he would run again out of no where. Around the 3 month mark I started to feel him doing the same thing but never said anything. He seemed to always come back around on his own. But it was no longer steady it was always back and forth with how I felt he felt about me. When we hit 5 months he did it again. This time the break up was in person and we both cried a lot. He started with excuses and assured me I did nothing wrong. He eventually said he just isn’t capable of keeping a relationship. He’s tried. I’m hurt knowing if I never reach out to him again I won’t ever hear from him. I haven’t contacted him at all and honestly don’t know if I will ever be ready again. I feel like the hope I had last time is gone. Is there any hope he will realize he misses me and he will want that over being alone right now? We had something special he agreed.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 28, 2020 at 9:09 pm

      Hi Cameron so he clearly has an issue with being in a long term relationship even if its just fear of commitment of sorts. I would work on yourself to become Ungettable and allow him to see this better version of yourself and if he tries to come back then you need to make him work harder for the relationship, don’t give him any intimacy unless you are offical, make him take you on a few days and space it out over a matter of weeks to couple of months before you are “together” again

  4. Avatar

    Clarity

    November 7, 2019 at 9:49 pm

    Well, I know this is an older article, so I’m not sure if I’ll get a reply. I was dating this guy since mid April. It had it’s ups and downs, but there were definitely sparks. There was a deep connection. Anyway, he told me how he has issues with commitment in late May. I backed off and he stepped up big time. I even went with him to meet his mom in another state in July. However, there is clearly an issue with him mother b/c the visit was a disaster. He was very argumentative with us both. We came back home and it hasn’t been good. We started to make progress in September and then I don’t hear from him after birthday in early October. He is going through a lot of stress at work. It’s like he’s completely shut down b/c he’s not even on social media. I tried to call him a week after I didn’t hear from him and left no voicemail. He has not been in contact, so I’m definitely not reaching out. Will this time apart bring him closer? I’m just not sure what to think.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 8, 2019 at 9:20 pm

      Hi there, so giving him the No Contact period is going to give him a chance to miss you, but you need to put in the work to be the ungettable girl in that time so when you reach out to him youre going to show him how much he is missing out on and how amazing you are. So make sure you read some ungettable girl posts and do the work that is needed, he may be fear of commitment (which means you need to make things seem like theyre his ideas to get back together, or making further commitments) and make sure you are so ungettable that he cant help but ask you to come back to him.

  5. Avatar

    Elizabeth

    July 23, 2019 at 2:08 am

    Hi there! My boyfriend and I were dating for a 1.5 years, and we broke up a little over a month ago, and he told me he didn’t want to break up, that I’m his favorite person in the world, and I’m the best person he’s ever met (which he told me over and over the course of our relationship). He voiced his commitment issues to me (about his fear of not being able to be faithful – about part of him wanting to chase cheap relationships – but he said that he was always and would always be faithful to me as long as we were together), but said that he thought I was the one and (to my friends as well, not just to me) and that he sees us married with kids and happy (he said I love you first after 3 months in of dating, and he was the one to bring up marriage around 4-5/6 months) and so he was willing to work on it…). His friends even though we were on the track to getting married. But, he but he gets back from a trip out of the country to Uganda to think about things with life (and us – also, we had been not meeting each other at the same level of commitment), and he breaks down weeping… and tells me he doesn’t want to break up, but that he doesn’t see another way… that he has a lot to figure out and it’s not fair for me to be around while he does this because it could take him a long time. That night, in the discussion, he eventually asks if we can date casually so there’s not so much pressure, if we could be friends, and finally (after I had said no) if we could be in an open relationship (all to which I said no). I told him if he wanted to date other people, he had to let me go. He wept (deep soul weeping, sobbing) and said he didn’t want to let me go, but that he thinks a part of him needs to “chase” casual relationships but he’s not sure if that’s what he really wants, but that the desire is there. Needless to say, I told him to not contact me until he works out what he wants. He hasn’t. I did need some closure, so I emailed him a week ago (once we had been broken up for a month) and let him know that it was devaluing to me and that I saw him on Bumble with our pictures on Instagram attached to his profile, and on Hinge with him & I as the featured first picture + his Instagram attached as well, and how it said he was seeking something “casual”. Also I expressed directly how devaluing it was to have your “favorite person” ask their “favorite person” to be in an open relationship – that I didn’t know if it was out of desperation to keep me in his life or what, but that I was shocked that he proposed that to me when he knew that wasn’t the type of person I was. I can send you the email response and more details about the breakup… He said that if his confidence in himself to be faithful to be were increasing rather than decreasing over the time we were together he would have continued dating me. Honestly, in his email responses he just didn’t seem to care!!! He told me that I deserved 100% commitment and that he’s not the kind of man I deserve and wishes me the best and thanked me for making me a better person during our time together; he also wished me the best personally and professionally. He was cold, distant, and completely detached in his language… I went and unfollowed him on Instagram and unfriended him on Facebook, archived our pictures, and he unfollowed me on Instagram in under 5 minutes… Before I did this, he was at the top of my Instagram stories, which means that he was stalking my profile (according to the research I’ve seen about Instagram). It’s been over a month (5 weeks, 2 days) and he hasn’t erased any of our pictures on his social media (the top 6 pictures of his Instagram are of us) and his Facebook profile picture is still of us too. What is going on…?

    The first time we broke up (in March – I broke up with him because he was feeling “overwhelmed”, but when I asked him if he still felt that way last month he said no – that he didn’t feel overwhelmed anymore and hadn’t for some time). Back to the breakup in March, at that time, he chased me and called me and texted me… this time, nothing except one Instagram message saying congrats on a huge career milestone, and 2 Instagram picture likes. I’m not sure what’s going on but it feels like he’s purposefully trying to hurt me or just doesn’t care and has moved on already. Help!!!

  6. Avatar

    Rachel C.

    January 29, 2019 at 2:59 am

    Hi Everone so I was dating a friend of mine for 2 months, had all the signs of commitment phobia, people started drama to put ideas in my head which made me insecure, to make a long story short, between his fear of commitment which I didn’t know about, and my insecurities, one day he left in the most screwy way possible, made up lies and then bounced, I flipped out and blew up his phone for like 2 days. I now know the reason he left even tho he didn’t tell me himself. Is there a way to win him back. I stopped messaging him completely. Before that he blocked me on everything, and said I was stalkerish (not true – only contacted his mom to make sure he was ok) and clingy (just expecting relationship things he wasn’t ready for) and controlling (total opposite just asked for communication) Im trying to win him back and help him to see its ok to commit. Is it possible? How do I do it??? Thanks

  7. Avatar

    Meredith

    April 23, 2018 at 1:34 am

    My ex and I were together just over 18 months. We talked about marriage pretty consistently and I eventually gave him an ultimatum, propose by Easter or we’re done. I didn’t feel secure in the relationship because there were days when I definitely felt like we were working toward marriage and other days when he would say something to make it apparent that he was not thinking along those lines at all.

    I asked him if he wanted to marry and and he said, “I don’t know” at one point and “Maybe” at another point. There were many times when I asked him what he wanted from the relationship and I don’t remember ever getting a solid answer.

    I know he loves me, I just don’t know if the commitment issue is too great. We became exclusive after 3 weeks of dating, I met his family within 2 months of dating and he said “I love you” within 3 months of dating. When he bought a house, he made sure it was close to a church so we could walk together and that it had a fenced in backyard for my dog.

    He clearly sees me in his future, but I don’t know if it is a tangible one. I’ve tried doing no contact without success for the past month. We had 2 text conversations the week after we broke up in which he stated “we need to be broken up for awhile” and “you ended it, so its over, but we need to decide if we want to start again”.

    I reached out again and left him a message asking him to call me when he was free, I tried to be cheery and upbeat and now have no response.

    I’m restarting no contact, but I’m wondering if its even worth it because I don’t want to be in the same position as before, in which he wants to be with me but can’t commit to a real future.

    How would I be able to have proof of that?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 23, 2018 at 5:19 am

      Meredith…some guys are adverse to making commitments for lots of reasons. I think some space in the form of NC will help shine a little more light on what he really wants and values. Absence of a person we care and love can help create more value for that person and a greater desire to be with that person. If you get back together, consider trying a different tack. Don’t talk about marriage. If he brings it up, make a little joke. Tell him you are not so sure given all the good looking guys out there. It seems maybe a contrarian approach might be worthwhile effort. Some guys just don’t like feeling forced about things, so they will fight it. But when something is withheld from them, they will want it more.

      I realize this may not align with your thinking, but its worth considering.

  8. Avatar

    Amy

    April 21, 2018 at 11:43 pm

    My ex and I had been together for three years. He broke up with me last year January and I managed to get him back with 30days no contact rules. Yesterday I broke up with him because he told me he never plan to be married. He doesn’t want to commit .can this 30days nc works for the second time. He said he wants me but he cant commit. Should I move on, or should I give try one more time with nc ?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 22, 2018 at 12:41 am

      Hi Amy…3 years is a good amount of time and if those times have been largely positive, then I think it would be a mistake to move on. Yes, NC can work again, particularly since you initiated the breakup. Right now, you are probably angry and resentful for his lack of commitment. You guys are going to have to talk about this topic with emotion sometime in the future and seek to get on the same page as to why he feels the way he does. Perhaps he will start to see now that he risks losing you forever.

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 22, 2018 at 12:41 am

      Hi Amy…3 years is a good amount of time and if those times have been largely positive, then I think it would be a mistake to move on. Yes, NC can work again, particularly since you initiated the breakup. Right now, you are probably angry and resentful for his lack of commitment. You guys are going to have to talk about this topic with emotion sometime in the future and seek to get on the same page as to why he feels the way he does. Perhaps he will start to see now that he risks losing you forever.

    3. Avatar

      Amy

      April 22, 2018 at 6:27 am

      thank you so much for the advice.ive read your book Since last year and hope it works for me again this time.

  9. Avatar

    Tina

    October 31, 2017 at 3:19 am

    Hi I’ve been in a relationship with a guy like this. When we first got together exclusively, it was a lot for him to adjust to being in a commmited relationship. He needed his space sometimes and use to back up from intimacy if he didn’t get his space. Like he was finding ways not to get close. Eventually he just broke up with me 6 months into the relationship. He said that he couldn’t be himself in the relationship and it’s seemed like he couldn’t make me happy. He stayed away for me for 3 months, he wouldn’t respond to my text or calls.
    I eventually stopped and once he saw me it triggered him to think
    Of me and eventually started reaching out but I ignored him for 2 weeks because I was upset with him and he eventually found his way back in. Once he came back he was doing great until we had a few disagreements and one was a deal breaker and he just left again after 5 months with the silent treatment again. Answering no text or calls now for 2 weeks so far. I do not know how to take this. Don’t want this to become a cycle.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 1, 2017 at 6:56 pm

  10. Avatar

    Rebecca

    October 26, 2017 at 11:46 pm

    Hi
    About 4years sho I had an on off casual relationship with a guy who told me he didn’t want a relationship and when we stopped seeing each other got with a crazy girl who had been on the scene during the time we had been on and off. We didn’t speak for a couple of years then last summer became friends again and spent some great times as friends. About 5 months ago we started sleeping with each other and about 3 months ago i asked him what was happening with us. He wouldn’t commit to being boyfriend and girlfriend so we carried on. Recently the sex dried up and we’ve now stopped seeing each other as of 4 days ago. He says he’s happier single as he can do what he wants when he wants and doesn’t have to think about whether he’s hurting someone else and says I need to concentrate on myself as he can’t give me 100% like I can him. I’m in love with him whereas he says he’s never been in love with anyone before. He’s had a tough year and I’ve been there for him and I do think he’s a little depressed. A lot of what you’ve said above rings true for him. The last 4 days he has been the one initiating contact via text. I want him back and want him to see that committing isn’t that bad. Please help, this man is so important to me.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 30, 2017 at 2:41 pm

  11. Avatar

    Evelyn

    October 10, 2017 at 12:16 pm

    Hi,
    Me and my ex were together for 15 months. We broke up after a fight bc I felt like I wasn’t a priority. We have had a couple of small fights do to communication problems. After our fight he went silent so I took that as a breaking up with me. I told him I would come get my stuff and I did. After that he sent me a couple of messages saying he really care about me but he feels like he can’t give me what I except. Some more messages and we decided to not break up but to take a break. I told him if I understand him correctly he feels like I don’t appreciate his efforts even thou I do. Told him why I felt hurt during our last fight and how I could have told him in a better way then to attack him with my words.
    He told me that it was not just that, but that we could talk about it next week when he is back from work. He also asked me how I was doing and that he missed me.

    I’m so nervous to talk to him, I’m afraid he ends it. What should I do from here on? Is there any hope for us?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 10, 2017 at 3:33 pm

  12. Avatar

    Kay

    June 12, 2017 at 8:07 am

    My ex broke up with me a month and a half ago and we’ve been NC since the break-up. I loved him, he couldn’t say it back, and we were best friends when we started dating. I met his family, and he broke up with me a week before we were supposed to meet my family. I have been hearing from friends that he is still having a hard time, and he has been going on dates (nothing serious, just group dates with his friends). We were very happy together and never fought, but he broke up with me because he said he still didn’t know if he loved me, and he said he didn’t see a future with me. He said he couldn’t explain it, but he couldn’t ever see himself marrying me or anything. He was really excited to meet my family 3 days before breaking up (and a little nervous), and there was no warning of a breakup coming. He was struggling knowing if he loving me, but he acted like he loved me.

    1. Avatar

      Kay

      June 12, 2017 at 8:10 am

      I was wondering, is there anything I can do to get him back? Should I keep NC and hope he contacts me soon? What do I do?

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 14, 2017 at 10:22 am

      How much did you improve and how active were you in posting?

  13. Avatar

    James K

    June 10, 2017 at 8:15 am

    Hello Amor.

    I have met this girl from a dating website. She is an outdoors person with a history of very short relationships. She is a serious commitment phobe. We started dating and all went perfectly well. We had nothing to complain about. She left me after a month telling me that she is scared that she will hurt me or that she will definitely hurt me. After long talks we got back together, this time things were even better. She longs for comfort, love, security and interaction but she is terrified. She tells me that she is not feeling the spark although the spark is there because I can see and feel it but is covered with thoughts and anxiety and told me that she doesn’t see a future with me. I am not sure you can know that after 3 – 4 months when you love doing everything together. She said that she likes everything about me and the small negative things don’t even compare. Now she left me again and brought the excuse that she wants to be single. I pushed a little and she got upset so I stopped. I know I should run away but I don’t want too.

    1. Avatar

      James K

      June 28, 2017 at 6:41 pm

      No we don’t live together and we don’t speak. She never contacted me again. She said she wanted to be single and she wants time to study before she left me and now I saw her back on a dating app.

    2. Avatar

      James K

      June 28, 2017 at 4:59 pm

      I closed her chat so I cannot see her but now I saw her back on the same dating site we met on. She said she wanted to be single and she had to study so I guess that was all lies.

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 28, 2017 at 5:27 pm

      Answer only about the important matter, like co parenting or money or stuff that cant be wait to be exchanged but not the how are yous, what are you doing, relationship nor feelings topics

    4. Avatar

      James K

      June 24, 2017 at 11:51 am

      What do you mean by ‘answer only about that’?

    5. Avatar

      James K

      June 23, 2017 at 6:00 pm

      And what about when the 30 days are over and she contacts me? Or she contacts me before that via social media?
      Do I act cold? Do I act friendly?

    6. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 23, 2017 at 9:53 pm

      if she contacts you during nc and asks how you are, don’t reply. If it’s a very important matter, answer only about that. You can initiate contact after nc, so that you can slowly rebuild rapport

    7. Avatar

      James K

      June 15, 2017 at 4:13 pm

      A week now. She disappeared anyway.

    8. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 16, 2017 at 7:15 pm

      start the count of nc now, do at least 30..make it seem like you’re just moving on through your posts

    9. Avatar

      James K

      June 14, 2017 at 11:23 am

      About a week ago Amor

    10. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 14, 2017 at 5:54 am

      hi Jsmes k,

      When was all this?

  14. Avatar

    Shan

    June 9, 2017 at 11:46 pm

    Can no contact get you out the friend zone. I am super confident this man loves me, he has said many times that he adores me and he even uses me as reference when he speaks women’s​ conferences telling them they should be like me as I am the “perfect” woman yet he says he wants to keep things as friendship as he is focused on his career and ministry (we are Christians). He flirts heavily, we are best friends and he says he plans to have me in his life forever. I brought up the commitment convo and he said he’s not thinking along that line now. I started NC the day after that convo by leaving him hanging in a subsequent convo. He has described me as a Lamborghini in the world of women

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 13, 2017 at 7:55 pm

      yeah, it can help increase your chances

  15. Avatar

    Sarah

    June 6, 2017 at 10:24 am

    Hi,

    I did the NC and he came back saying he was so sorry and he wants nothing more than to get me back. I felt really apprehensive about the situation as he panicked when we started to get serious last time (because of a bad past relationship) so I was a little stand offish. Because of that he has said I’m hard to read and I’m not affectionate- he has now gone distant and we havent spoken in a week.

    He does have a lot going on in his personal life at the moment so I know I need to be careful by how I act but I am getting hurt and dont know what to do? I feel like I have lost him again.

    Any advice would be appreciated.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 9, 2017 at 12:06 pm

      Hi Sarah,

      check this one too:
      My Ex Boyfriend Won’t Commit To Me

  16. Avatar

    Mariona

    May 30, 2017 at 8:06 am

    Hello! What to do if ” the no contact rule” doesn’t work? And you fell hopeless? After short period of time,we broke up last year. I did the NC but nothing happened.After breakup we had been together few times,we never slept together just kissing and once make out. Each time he never call or text me. We just don’t communicate. And I feel like he doesn’t care. It’s very sad. Can you please tell me or suggest what should I do?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 30, 2017 at 7:50 pm

      well, it’s not a guarantee that it will work but what did you mean that it doesnt work? how many times have you done it?

  17. Avatar

    dolly

    May 29, 2017 at 11:27 pm

    Please help

    1. Avatar

      dolly

      May 30, 2017 at 8:47 am

      After short period of time,we broke up last year. I did the NC but nothing happened.After breakup we had been together few times,we never slept together just kissing and once make out. Each time he never call or text me. We just don’t communicate. And I feel like he doesn’t care. It’s very sad. Can you please tell me or suggest what should I do?

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 30, 2017 at 7:53 pm

      well, it’s not a guarantee that it will work but what did you mean that it doesnt work? how many times have you done it?

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 30, 2017 at 12:02 am

      What do you need help with?

  18. Avatar

    Astrid

    May 13, 2017 at 9:57 pm

    I’m so confused. I did indifferent and no contact and I dropped the crazy. We reconnected (I got a little verbally anxious right off the bat still trying to reign it in but it’s difficult with our past). He’s got me in casual dating zone now ffs. He says he wants to see how it goes. I thought great… let’s just live in the moment and enjoy each other. Come to find out he is going to be camping all summer (weekends) with mutual friends and I can’t come because he daughter doesn’t want him to date anyone yet (ridiculous I think she did say it but I also think it is an excuse) and he doesn’t want anyone to mention me around her etc. Wtf is going on here. We have been through hell and back for seven years. He’s been awful I’ve been crazy. This article is him to a tee right down to childhood trauma and a abandonment issues his Mum gave him up at age 4. I love this man. We cannot stay away from each other and I cam never stop running my mouth with anxiety shit I ruin every interaction but I am afraid. He just wants me to chill out and enjoy it but all I can think about is the impending loss of him. What should I be doing here??? I don’t feel like a priority but when I leave he wants me back. I don’t think he knows the damn answers to this. I’m so frustrated!! And dating other guys I just sit there and wish it were him.. Ugh. Should I just chill and enjoy it? Shut the hell up about commitment?? He drives me nuts and he says the same about me!! But we’re perfect when together. Perfect. I’m so frustrated!! Lol

    1. Avatar

      Anna

      May 18, 2017 at 4:44 pm

      Hello Astrid!

      I am dealing with the same issues and its driving me nuts! I have never dealt with anything like this before. My problem is I love him and we always seem to come back together. I can’t keep dealing with this emotional roller coaster cause it hurts to bad. I would enjoy to chit chat with you if you are interested?!

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 14, 2017 at 4:23 pm

      then play it right… be casual with him too.. don’t invest more than what he invests

  19. Avatar

    Taryn

    May 13, 2017 at 7:34 pm

    I met my significant other online, he was always afraid of commitment and doesn’t like using labels, he just said we are dating. At first I was content with just dating exclusively and then I fell in love with him. I have met his family and we do almost everything together. I love him and he has said it to me once and then took it back, telling me that he really cares for me and even cried to me a few times about how he isn’t ready for a committed relationship, but he loves me in a different way. Thursday he made me upset because he decided to go to the ale house while I was waiting on his laundry, but of course he didn’t tell me until I called him. Then his demeanor changed and he said that he just wanted to go by himself and when we finally got to his house he was like I just want to be single. He can never tell me these things unless he has liquid courage and he said that he doesn’t want to lose me either because we have a lot in common and he enjoys our time together. Then he asks me to stay over and I was so hurt that I said friends don’t have sleepovers and I grabbed all my things out of his room and left. He called me the next day at work and apologized and said that we should talk when he hasn’t been drinking. I responded with I didn’t want to discuss things while I was at work. My gf from work had a very similar situation and did the 30 day no contact rule and said they are better than ever. Do you think I should implement the no contact rule?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 14, 2017 at 4:10 pm

      Yep, you should try it.

  20. Avatar

    Brooke

    May 3, 2017 at 1:24 am

    Hi! My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for 7 years now. About a month ago he came back after trying to be with someone else, telling me he doesn’t feel a connection with her like he does with me and that he feels he will never feel that connection with anyone else. We were doing great and he started calling me his girlfriend and telling everyone about me. We had a few arguments and after the last one, which we both agreed was dumb, he shut down and started pushing me away. On Sunday, he told me he feels he’s not ready for a relationship and that he can’t give me what I need right now. He told me he doesn’t like being on his phone (we live an hour away so a lot of our relationship is over the phone) and he doesn’t know when he can make time for me. He said that when he’s with me all he wants to do is hug me and love me and call me his girlfriend, but when we’re not he doesn’t know how to act cause he’s not ready to compromise and communicate. He wants to be friends and as he said, “take a step back and take things slow”, he cried and told me he hates hurting me but doesn’t know what to do. Please help me. I’m lost on how to handle this.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 3, 2017 at 7:29 pm

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