Is it even possible to get an ex boyfriend back if you live with him?

Well, that is the question we are going to explore today in episode 27 of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.

We hear from Ashley.

A woman who is desperate to win her ex back.

Here is a quick recap of her situation,

  • She’s been with her ex for a year
  • They got into a fight and broke up
  • She did what most women do by crying, begging and pleading for him back
  • He told her that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone
  • Then he turns around and tells her that he doesn’t want to lose her, doesn’t want her to be with anyone else and to save herself for him
  • He is still living with her
  • They have also been intimate

What I Teach In This Episode

  • The no contact rule when you live with your ex
  • Being a “respectful roommate”
  • Not speaking unless spoken to
  • Flip Flop emotions
  • Displaying the fact that things are different (and not in a good way)
  • When you can get physical with him
Is He Worth All This Trouble?
Take The Quiz

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

The Game Plan For Living With An Ex Boyfriend

This game plan revolves around taking advantage of an exes “flip flop emotions.”

What are flip flop emotions?

Glad you asked.

Flip Flop Emotions= An ex boyfriend clinging on to positive memories from the past and after telling you he doesn’t want to be with you he tells you that he does.

You can take full advantage of the flip flop emotions by doing the following,

info

1. Mini No Contact

I think a mini no contact rule is ideal for Ashley since we don’t want so much time to pass that the flip flopping emotions completely dissipate. As a result, I recommended to Ashley that she cut her no contact rule in half.

Of course, she will still have to abide by the rules of NC I set in the episode.

2. Things Have To Be Different

One of the reasons that Ashely’s ex is displaying these flip flopping emotions is the fact that he realizes things are different and that scares him. Ashely should keep the her foot on the gas peddle to continue this trend.

Men don’t like change (no one really does) and the more he clings to the past the more he will continue chasing.

3. No Physical Contact

Ashley, if you are reading this DO NOT BE INTIMITATE WITH HIM AGAIN.

Make him commit before you give that up.

Also, don’t even kiss him until he asks you out on a proper date!!!

Podcast Transcript

Welcome to Episode 27 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Today we’re going to be talking about what to do if you live with your ex-boyfriend. We’re going to be hearing from Ashley who is in that exact situation.

Let’s cut to the chase:

“Hi, Chris. My name is Ashley. I have been with my boyfriend, Trent, for over a year. We live together. A couple of weeks ago, we got into it really bad. He opted out of the relationship. Of course, I’ve been crying, begging, pleading and trying to convince him to stay in the relationship. He isn’t having it right now.

He keeps saying that he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone right now, period. He just needs some time. At the same time, he tells me that he doesn’t want to lose me. He doesn’t want me to be with anyone else. He wants me to save myself for him.

He even packed up all of his things because he was going to leave. He put all of his stuff in his car, yet he’s still been staying here. We’ve been intimate. That’s making it even harder. I don’t know what to do. I was thinking about going to stay with my cousin for a few days, starting today, to disappear on him and give him some time to think and miss me.

I don’t know if doing that will hurt the situation even more because I don’t know if he’ll think that I’m sleeping with another guy or that I’m over some guy’s house. I really don’t know what to do. I really need your assistance with this. I love him. I want my baby back.”

You want your baby back. Let’s see if we can help you get your baby back. For those of you listening, here is a recap of the situation that Ashley has found herself in. She was with her ex-boyfriend for a year. It seems like they got into a fight and he broke up with her. Ashley cried, begged and pleaded like most women do when they go through a breakup.

There’s nothing new there. He tells her that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone at all. But he’s also giving her conflicting arguments here. He’s also saying, “Don’t be with anyone else. I don’t want to lose you. Save yourself for me.” It seems like he’s flip flopping there. They still live together. She’s trying to figure out how to navigate this really tough situation. She says she may stay with her cousin. They were also intimate. That’s the rundown of the situation.

When you live with someone, it’s really hard to do a lot of the tactics that I teach. A lot of the tactics that I teach have the same starting point. That is the no contact rule. The no contact rule is very difficult to implement when you do live with the person. It’s hard to ignore someone when they’re right there in front of your face 24/7.

Nevertheless, you can alter the no contact rule to fit into this kind of situation. I wrote an in depth article, not just on this situation where a couple lives together, but also all the other situations where you may be forced to contact your ex during the no contact rule.

For Ashley and other listeners who may be forced to talk to their ex during the no contact rule, I’m going to link to that article in the show notes of this episode. You can find the show notes of this episode at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode27.

Before I get into Ashely’s situation specifically, I’m going to give you a quick rundown of how to implement the no contact rule in a situation where it seems impossible to implement. If this is the very first episode you’ve ever listened to, the no contact rule is this period of time—I recommend 30 days—where you flat out ignore your ex, no matter what.

If he contacts you through text message, Facebook or calls you, you are supposed to ignore him. You are supposed to ignore his calls. The idea behind this is that it increases the chances that, not only will he miss you, but it will also increase the chances of him changing his mind about the relationship.

It also serves as a reset button. Right after a breakup, when you’re starting to try to get your ex-boyfriend back, it’s really difficult. Your ex is probably pretty angry at you. If you do the no contact rule, it can reset things. It might not be back to where they were before you dated your ex, but it can reset things to a point where you have a fighting chance. That’s all we need here to get our foot in the door.

If you’re going to do the no contact rule and you do live with your ex-boyfriend, there are certain extra things that you have to follow if you want your no contact rule to be successful. What are these things? I recommend to people to pretend that you’re a respectful roommate. If you think about it, a good roommate doesn’t really invade your personal space.

Some roommates are absolutely horrible. I’ve heard crazy stories of people who don’t shower. This is probably the strangest example. There were these two guys who got famous through YouTube. They would put out ads to get a roommate. They had a room available. A woman decided, “It’s affordable rent. We’ll split the rent three ways.” She roomed with these two guys.

The problem is, these guys were pranksters. They pranked her relentlessly. It got so bad to the point where the two guys were sued by her. This was a few years ago. I last heard that they could not post certain videos because they were getting sued by this woman. Some of the things they did to her were absolutely horrible. You want to avoid that.

You don’t want to be that type of roommate who starts arguments, pranks your ex or does anything to instigate things. You want to be the opposite of that. You want to be a respectful roommate. You want to be someone who is quiet, keeps to themselves and talks when they have to talk but is not going to invade their ex’s space or stir up any trouble.

A lot of the time when you live with someone, it’s so easy to get into another argument, especially after a breakup when the emotions are at such a heightened level. My advice is, if you’re going to do the no contact rule and you live with the person, make sure that you are as respectful as possible.

Here’s the other piece of advice when you live with someone. Do not instigate conversations. Let’s pretend that you and your ex are living together. Obviously, this is the case for you, Ashley. You are living with your ex. You wake up early one morning and make yourself breakfast. Then he wakes up and comes out to make breakfast.

You start a conversation with him because you’re a nice, bubbly person. That’s fine. Except, if you’re doing the no contact rule, do not start the conversation. He has to start every single conversation in the house for 30 days straight. How do you respond when he starts conversations? You respond as politely and respectfully as possible, just be a little bit short with him. One-word answers are great. The tone that you say that answer with is very important.

Let me give you an example. Your ex-boyfriend asks you, “What time are you going to go to work?” If you say, “10:30,” in a mean tone, it’s going to be taken that way. But if you look at him with a smile and say, “10:30,” in a high, nice tone, it makes a difference. The tone you use with your one-word answer really does matter.

You do not want to start any fights. Ideally, if you’re in a situation like Ashley where her cousin is going to offer her a place to stay for a while, take it. The no contact rule will not be as effective if you live with your ex. This is the way it is. It still will be effective in a certain way but it won’t be as effective as it would if you were not living with your ex.

The reason is that your ex-boyfriend has to sense that something is wrong and something has changed when you’re doing the no contact rule. The problem is, if you’re living with the person, you can almost give off the vibe that nothing has changed except maybe your relationship status. He can still be intimate with you. He can still kiss you. He can still treat you exactly the same but you’re not technically together. He has to understand that something is different. That’s very important to convey.

Those are my top tips on the no contact rule if you do live with the person. Let’s move on specifically to Ashley’s situation.

Ashley mentioned that she was intimate with her boyfriend, which was a mistake. Ashley, do not be intimate with him again until he commits to you. That’s the advice that I give every single woman who has slipped up and slept with their ex.

I’ll go right into the game plan for you, Ashley. I have to give a little disclaimer here. You mentioned that your ex told you that he didn’t want to be with anyone. He told you specifically, “I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone.” Yet, the next day, he changes his mind when he says, “I don’t want you to be with anyone. I want you to save yourself for me. I don’t want to lose you.”

This is what I like to call flip-flop emotions. It’s a very common thing with ex-boyfriends after a breakup. A breakup is so emotional. There are so many things going through a guy’s head.

On the one hand, he wants his freedom. He sees his out. He sees his light at the end of the tunnel. At the same time, when he’s getting close to that light at the end of the tunnel, the end of the breakup, he thinks back on his relationship and remembers all the good times that you had together.

He thinks about all of the shared, intimate moments, the personal moments, the moments that really mattered to him and had an effect on him. He thinks about these and he doesn’t want to lose it. Like I always say, men are attracted to things that make them feel good. The moments that he’s remembering make him feel good.

That’s where you get these flip-flop emotions. On the one hand, he’s saying, “I want to be free.” On the other hand, he’s saying, “But I had such a good time with her.” That’s a credit to you, Ashley. I know that you two got into a fight. I know that you broke up.

But the fact that he’s having these flip-flop emotions is a good sign. It means that he still cares about you. A big part of him inside continues to dwell on these emotional memories that he’s having. These incredibly touching moments are affecting him so much that he’s going back and forth. He’s giving you these mixed signals. He’s saying one thing and then another thing. It’s good. You can take advantage of this.

This is kind of how I’m going to structure your game plan, Ashley. I’m going to try to take advantage of these flip-flop emotions. You are in a very unique position. I can’t say that this is what’s going to happen. You may very well fail to get him back. That might be the reality of the situation. But I’m a positive thinker. I really think that you have a very good chance of getting him back. I really do, Ashley.

I’m going to give you a game plan that I think is going to really help you get him back. First, I think you should do the no contact rule. You mentioned that you were thinking about going to your cousin’s house. Do it. But do it just for a few days. Eventually, you’re going to have to come back home. Eventually, you’re going to have to figure out the living arrangements. Until then, I’m going to assume that you’re going to come back home and you two are going to live together.

I want you to do a mini no contact rule. Why am I recommending a mini no contact rule for you? It’s because I think the flip-flop emotions that your ex-boyfriend is exhibiting is a really good sign. I want to act on these sooner rather than later. The longer you let this dwell, the more his flip-flop emotions will flip or flop to one side. It can either go your way or it won’t go your way.

For example, let’s say that you’re trying the full-out no contact rule on him for 30 days. Around day 21, he comes to the conclusion that he does not want to be with you. It’s almost like a balancing scale. All of a sudden, the scale is balanced in the area where he doesn’t want to be with you. If you shorten your no contact rule to 14 days, you can potentially get that scale to flop onto the other side where he wants to be with you.

He’s stuck in these emotions and touching moments that he’s had with you. They’ve had such a positive effect on him. You want the scale to tip into that direction. I’m recommending a 14 day no contact rule so that not a lot of time goes by to make the scale flip into the direction that you don’t want it to go.

One of the reasons that he’s having these flip-flop emotions is because things are different now. He doesn’t have you anymore. He’s mentioned this when he says that he’s afraid that you’re going to sleep with someone. This tells me that he’s very concerned. This tells me that he still cares about you on a very deep level.

Like I said, men are competitive. Sometimes a little competition is good. It’s almost good if something is different and he continues to have these feelings. He’ll lock you down sooner. He knows you’re not going to go with someone else if you’re with him. It’s a way of locking you down sooner. The fact that he’s doing things that prove that he’s thinking about this is good.

You definitely want to exhibit that something is different in the relationship. You can do that by holding true to the no contact rule when you live with someone. Be a respectful roommate. Avoid arguments. Don’t speak unless he speaks to you first. That one little tip alone will create that vibe. He’s going to have to be the one who initiates the conversations.

You’re not going to be cold but you’re going to be short with him. You’re going to be nice and bubbly but short with him. That fact alone is going to show him that something is different. He does not like that it’s different. He wants to get back to the way things used to be, even though when you get back together, things are never going to be the same. It doesn’t mean that it has to be worse. It could be better. For now, he’s under the assumption that he wants things to be like they were before.

Step one is the mini no contact rule of 14 days. I explained my reasoning there. Step two is that things have to be different. I explained my reasoning there.

Step three is not to be intimate with him at all. There is no physical touch, like kissing and hugging. Don’t do that unless you get a date with him. A date is when he asks you out on a date to go outside, the movies, dinner or coffee. That could be considered a date. This will further show him that things are different. If he locks you down then you can give him all the physical benefits that he’s seeking. But men always want what they can’t have. A girl who won’t even touch him, kiss him or be like she used to be is going to prove that to him.

I think the biggest takeaway from this game plan for you, Ashley, is that you need to exhibit that things are clearly different. The fact that your ex is flip-flopping with his emotions tells us a lot about his mindset. It means that the memories he’s latching on to in your relationship are very strong. The only reason he’s having this is because he knows that right now things are different.

Your relationship is different. He doesn’t like it. It makes him feel uncomfortable. It’s a little bit scary when things change. The more you can give him this feeling, the more he’s going to want it to change back to the way it was when his life was easier, when he was in love with you, when he couldn’t think of anything else but you. Really work hard to exhibit this, Ashley. I think you can do an incredible job if you do pull it off.

As far as what to say to him, text him or how to flirt with him, I’m going to link to my ebook, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. I think that can help you a lot in not only getting him back but giving you a reference guide of what you can say to him and the memories that you have to bring up. The fact that he’s latching on to the memories is almost like a double whammy.

If you can figure out the exact memories that he’s latching on to and causing him to have this flip-flopping type of feeling, and leverage those in some sort of conversation with him, I think that would turn out really well for you.

I was debating on whether or not to use jealousy in this particular situation. For some reason, my gut tells me that it might scare him off for good. I think your mind is your own worst enemy. It is a good sign that he doesn’t want you to be with anyone. It’s a good sign that he’s clearly afraid of that. I think if you were to engage in jealousy, he would just get more hurt than angry. When people are angry, they’re more likely to take action. In my experience, when people are extremely hurt, they almost give up. That’s why I say that using jealousy is like playing with fire. Sometimes it can be scary if you don’t use it the right way.

I don’t think you should use any jealousy, Ashley. If things are different, his mind is his own worst enemy. The right kind of jealousy that you need to get him back will be created by him in his own mind without you having to lift a finger. All you have to do is exhibit the fact that things are different now. Things aren’t going to be the same. He’s not going to get the benefits he got with you in the past.

That’s the game plan for today, Ashley. I hope that helped. If you have any questions, Ashley, just comment on the show notes of Episode 27. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode27.

For those of you listening, if you have any questions, please shoot me a comment. I’m going to be answering comments today. I did extra work yesterday on writing content so that I could get to the comments today.

This is a heads up. Within the next week or two, the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery website that you all know and love is going to undergo a drastic redesign. The redesign is looking incredible. It’s very female friendly. It’s very authoritative and very professional looking. It’s exactly what I want for this Ex-Boyfriend Recovery brand.

I want to take a moment to thank you for listening to this podcast. Your time means the world to me. If you have any questions, feel free to comment or contact me on the contact page. Please keep reading the website. If you have an ex-boyfriend, there is information there for how to get him back or how to get over him. I’m trying to take over this little segment of the relationship industry. I want to be the go-to guy for any kind of relationship advice regarding exes.

The fact that you’re listening to this podcast means the world to me. It means that I’m doing a good job. That’s it for Episode 27. I’ll see you tomorrow.

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119 thoughts on “EBR 027: What To Do If You Live With Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Avatar

    Faz

    May 12, 2020 at 9:53 am

    Hi may I’m Faz from Malaysia. Recently I had a big fight with my husband because i caught him has a fake instagram account to flirt around with so many girls, but fortunately the girls ignored him because it is just a fake account. But he liked so many girls photo, commented, and replied to their stories. It hurts me a lot because after checking, i found out that the instagram was created just 3 months after our marriage, we have been married for 2 years now. After the fight, he said that actually he doesn’t love me anymore and wanted for a divorce after the quarantine over. i noticed that he also has changed a lot, he never talked to me, he didn’t even want to look at my face when im talking. We never spoke for 1 month now after the big fight, he slept in living room. Today I finally decided to temporarily moved outside this house to do the no contact rule, and to clear my mind. I will move out on 1st June. I told him this morning and he seems disagree, but this is the only way to make him realised that maybe he still love me. My question, what do you suggest for me to do next? Do I have to keep quite and not updating anything on my social media during the no contact rules? Because i dont want to deactivate and also dont want to block him, we still married technically. Im not ready to tell my friends or family about the divorce plan. Because i still want to save this marriage. Thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 20, 2020 at 10:43 am

      Hey Faz, good for you sorting else where to live and be sure to keep to your NC and stick with it for the 30 days too. And as for social media, I would suggest you keep updating and showing how you are happy and living life, but dont give too much information away so that your husband can worry if you are spending time with another person. He has attempted to emotionally cheat and he thinks that you shouldnt leave because he doesnt want to be out of options so the moves you are making set a great message that you do not accept the way he has behaved.

  2. Avatar

    Darla

    August 6, 2019 at 1:35 pm

    Hi! So my boyfriend of two years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We’ve been living together for a year. I limited communication with him, but it was hard, he started being really insensitive with what he was doing. The second week I went away without telling him and stayed with family, and did no contact for that whole week, he texted me at some point to know how I was. When I came back he was annoyed I had left without telling him and that he was getting used to being alone. We both share the lease of the apartment, he can pay it all by himself without a problem but one of the reasons we moved in together was for me to be more stable with my job and school, so he is not pushing for me to leave because of that. He also doesn’t want to leave me alone with the rent since it would be hard for me to pay it on my own. After I came back he has been nicer with me. A couple of days ago we hung out with common friends, it was a bit awkward at first since no one knows (he hasn’t even told his family), we told two of them (a couple) about the breakup and they were shocked and started talking to us about all the problems they’ve had as a couple while still being together. At the end, one of them told me that all he saw was that my ex still loves me but that he seems to be confused, that we still looked like a couple and my ex checked me out from time to time, and that I should give him time and he’ll probably come back. I talked to my ex about what went wrong, and it was frustrating that they were easy fixes (but he’s not that good at communicating them). I asked him if he would’ve been happier of our relationship had been like how we live know, and he said yes, but I don’t want to talk to him about getting back together cause he seems very resistant about it still.

  3. Avatar

    Jazzy

    August 4, 2019 at 1:59 am

    My ex broke up with me but under some unfortunate circumstances, we are still living together. There are no extra room so we are still staying in the same room. The thing is, he is being sweet and still shows that he cares. We are living with his family and his family knows about our breakup. But he has someone else. He is flirting with a girl and base on my understanding , he left me for that girl. How can I get him back? We have broken up like 3 weeks ago.

  4. Avatar

    Bella

    May 17, 2019 at 1:09 am

    Hi, so me and my boyfriend broke up about a week ago, we been having problems and he has been distant for a while, but it all became too much as he started to talk to other women more and started hanging out with one girl in particular. We were together for 9 years and have a child together which really makes it hard to do the nc rule. I have since half moved out and am staying with a friend but its only temporary. He cheated on me in the past and i forgave him, but i recently found out he was never able to forgive himself and only got bsck together cause he felt he owed it to me. He thinks that i dont love him cause i dont pay the attention he wants and he told me he wants me to gind someone who i will love and a good guy. I want him back but I dont think i have a chance anymore if he keeps spending time with this new girl he would have already moved on. He said it has been over for him for a long time. What can i do?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 17, 2019 at 2:44 am

      Hi Bella…Perhaps you should take a look at a limited form of No Contact, so you can spend some quality time focusing on your own healing first. There are things you can do to reinforce your value and sometimes guys can do foolish things – and realize later that grass is not greener. But also taking some time and space gives you a chance to focus on “you” and reflect and grow and decide what is best. All of this won’t happen at one time. Its a journey.

  5. Avatar

    Vicky

    November 28, 2018 at 1:16 pm

    Hello Chris,

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago. He told me that he still loves me but he craves for independence. After breaking up, I’ve tried to be close to him to try to get him back but he pushes me away physically when I try to hug him or lean my head against his back. But he still wants to go get groceries together, watch movies together, play the playstation together and do things with me. We live together so I have to see him every day. But, I left the house for a few days and I’m now with my family. I didn’t tell him that I went back to my family, I just left a note saying “I’ll be back in a few days”. I’ll be at my parents for 9days. What should I tell him when I go back? Should I tell him that I went home? I really really really believe that we’re soulmates and I want to get him back. I haven’t contacted him yet cause I thought this little getaway to my parents’ could be like a no contact for him to miss me. But I really want him. He hasn’t contacted me too although I really hope that he would. He doesn’t seem to be affected 🙁

    Please please help me.
    I’ll be back in about 3 days now and I’d love to know what to do or say before I go back.

    Thank you

  6. Avatar

    Becky

    November 28, 2018 at 12:25 pm

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, we did long distance for a year until he decided to move to the city where I’m studying. Things were great the first 6 months of living together, but after he started a new project that was stressful at work and having family and friends visit us constantly over those 6 months, we stopped making time for each other and I started clinging while he pulled away. We have our lease until at least the end of February (we can cancel any time with a 3 months notice) but we aren’t living together – he’s been staying at a friend’s and I’m going to tell him I’m staying at a friend’s for a week so he can come home before we both leave for Christmas. We both agreed on NC and no social media but I don’t know how to convince him when NC is over that we should work on ourselves within the relationship instead of outside of it.

  7. Avatar

    Dstar

    February 20, 2018 at 10:34 pm

    Hello,

    Is there ever a point of no return? Like the No Contact Rule was not implemented in time?

    So I live with my boyfriend. We did not do the No Contact Rule since I think he would take that more as a negative and probably give into his emotions that he does not want to be in a relationship with me. Therefore, I have probably been “gnatting” him too much over the past month.

    I do however, not initiate text messages, when I want to let him know something, I leave a note.

    But every time he does something nice, I get overwhelmed that he’s ready to talk about his feelings and when I broach the subject, he shuts down.

    I’m worried that I’ve taken it too far with my trying to “win him back”.

    So is there a point where I should just implement the No Contact Rule more so for myself, so I can get on track, and not worry about his reactions to it?

    Thank you!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 24, 2018 at 10:56 pm

      Hi Dstar,

      That’s actually why you should do nc.. Do it for yourself.

  8. Avatar

    aiz

    February 2, 2018 at 4:13 pm

    my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years+. I was a single mom when we met. Fast forward to 4 yrs later, we had a baby of our own and decided to live together. However things are worse during the pregnancy and got even worst during the 1st year of our baby. He suddenly got cold last month and told me he doesn’t want anything with me anymore and wants to be alone. I begged if we can talk about it but he rejected me. I did not react to this quite well because a few weeks before this, I already made up my mind to let go of my anger and fix our relationship. things were a bit out of control during the first 2 weeks of the “breakup”, a lot of external factors got involved. but since we have kids together, although not married, I still ended up living with him. I already knew my fault that caused him to get fed up and wanted to be with him again. He would often go out with his friends, even caught him trying to be with other girls.
    he would always go home very drunk – there were 3-4 nights when he would tell me how angry he is with me. it seems like he is depressed that he could not do anything right in his life. he even mentioned his anger to his father. he doesnt know what to do with his life anymore and often tells during that time he wants to die.
    but there was also one night when after he breaks down, he suddenly tells me how much he loved me so much, that he’s afraid that our past will happen again. we have been intimate as well. but this happens only when he’s drunk. sometimes we are ok, starting to get along well. but most of the times, he just ignores me.
    There was a time when i tried to be submissive and made efforts to correct my mistakes however he ignores it and tells his friends im just doing it now because we’re not in good terms.
    He is a bit of a mess now, prioritizing drinking or being with friends and often posts them in social media. I had a realization that i dont want to be his booty call anymore, and that i dont want to feeel this way anymore. we both had our mistakes in the relationship.
    So Im trying just the other to do a Minimal no contact. I also changed my work shift so that we dont interact much during weekdays. I still want to get back with him and hopefully get married.
    How do I fix this if i am still living with him and we have kids already?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 7, 2018 at 12:25 pm

      HI Aiz,

      That’s good that you’re going to stop sleeping with him.. If you don’t get him back, what’s your plan?

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    Christine

    January 16, 2018 at 8:47 pm

    I am definitely leaving. I was trying to be gone before a procedure that I am having next month but it looks like I will be stuck there until afterwards. I was wondering if I should tell him about it although I really don’t want to. I am also wondering whether I should even tell him that I am leaving or should I just leave.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 18, 2018 at 6:00 am

      you should tell him but tell him when you have a sure date and place to go to.

  10. Avatar

    Christine

    January 15, 2018 at 11:25 pm

    I’m definitely leaving. I’m just looking for a way to tell him instead of just leaving without saying anything. Or should I just leave?

  11. Avatar

    Christine

    January 15, 2018 at 6:33 am

    I actually had and still have been looking for a place but have had difficulty finding somewhere safe and affordable for me to stay. He refuses to leave. I think that he is too stubborn to leave.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 15, 2018 at 7:39 pm

      sorry my question wasn’t even clear.. I meant February since last year? If yes, it’s been almost a year, you have to be the one to make the move because staying there isn’t making things better

  12. Avatar

    Cather

    January 13, 2018 at 2:40 am

    Hey Amor!

    So while I’m doing NC and ignoring his texts and everything, what do I say when I head back home and he asks why I’m ignoring him? How do I spin that into a positive interaction?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 15, 2018 at 11:28 am

      Hi Cather,

      Because of both..In your situation, tell him you need space from him.. If you’re moving back home and you’re still in nc, that means it would be limited nc..

  13. Avatar

    Samar

    December 14, 2017 at 4:39 am

    Hi Chris,
    My boyfriend and I live together but since our breakup in November he has been staying at his parents house. He has stopped paying his portion of the rent and I cannot afford our place on my own. We have kids together but they are still with me at home. I broke no contact a few times but I restarted it just this past Sunday. He was flip flopping for the first 3 wks but now he is just avoiding me alltogether. I begged etc. And gave him all control, but I want my control back over myself. He had actex very childish the past few weeks by coming home when I am not here and taking things out of the house that are insignificant to him ( I believe just to spite me and force a reaction bc I was doing no contact) forcing me to replace them Ex- microwave, kurig machine, all utensils and all our Christmas decor including our tree. Anyway, I am wondering if I move out if our home will that cut my chances of getting him back? Please help! Thanks in advance..

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 15, 2017 at 3:56 pm

      Hi Samar,

      does it look like you staying there is helping?

  14. Avatar

    Nia

    December 9, 2017 at 8:30 am

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. It’s been a week since our falling out and I’m almost ready to throw in the towel. We have been living together in his home for about 5 months with my 2 children who are not his. We had a big falling out about a week ago and have had limited communication. We have broken up a few times before but quickly have gotten back together this is the first time it’s been this long. He has blocked me from all social media (he does this every time we have separated) even if we are still living together. He sleeps on the couch and I sleep in the bedroom. The primary reason why I’m still here is because my son doesn’t get out of school for Christmas break until the 20th of this month and it’s hard for me to pull him out. I left my job a month ago due to my sons seizure disorder so I’m jobless. I also live 30 minutes away from my family so I’m in a different city by myself and it’s been hard. We have communicated like really talked a total of 2 Times regarding our relationship and it has been initiated by me which backfired on me because I literally begged this man to work things out and not give up on this relationship. He’s dead set on he’s completely done he can’t do this anymore. He has made comments that he states he’s “going back to his old ways” and he has been going out and even not coming home some nights. He says I was the only person he was ever vulnerable with and I hurt him with words I said during the argument which has caused him to stonewall me but he still loves me and always will. He just doesn’t want to be hurt again so he says. I limit my interactions as well (aside from those 2 Times) and keep out of the way and basically only speak when spoken to. He avoids me by not coming home or keeping a distance. I love this man and I see a future with him I just don’t know how to save this relationship before it’s over for good. Sometimes I feel like I need to just leave and focus on my own self because essentially isn’t that what he’s doing? I don’t go out because I have my kids with me 24/7 and my family and friends live 30 miles away. I’m trying my best to remain as positive as I can but it’s taking its toll. I very much love this man and I want to also change the not so good things about myself in order to move forward I just need help In figuring out what I should do.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 12, 2017 at 1:52 am

      Hi Nia,

      just like in the advice in the podcast, you should be more active in rebuilding a new routine for you and your children’t lives.

  15. Avatar

    Christine

    November 20, 2017 at 6:47 am

    My ex and I broke up in February of this year. We literally didn’t say two words to each other until August. Which I guess was a form of no contact but it doesn’t work on him because we do that a lot. When he gets mad he doesn’t talk to me and I don’t talk to him then eventually we don’t talk. So no contact isn’t really a good method for me because his pride and stubbornness. We still live together and I know that if I move that will be the end between us. He told me that he didn’t know if he wanted to be back to together and we should take baby steps but he told his sister that he wanted to work it out with me. It’s obvious that there is no other woman because he is always at home. We haven’t had sex but we have been intimate a few times which I intend not to do again because we literally don’t do anything outside of the house. We watch tv shows together on the couch and that is it. When we started talking in August we went all the way to October and never did anything outside the house which was frustrating to me which caused an argument between the two of us and a major setback. I don’t know if this is a fixable thing or not. He is not really good at expressing his emotions and saying what he wants. I know that he loves me but it is so frustrating waiting on him to make a move. Advice is needed and wanted…

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 22, 2017 at 12:47 am

      Hi Christine,

      just to make it clear, you broke up February this but up to this date you still live together? If yes, why didn’t any of you move out?

  16. Avatar

    Synne

    August 25, 2017 at 6:21 pm

    Hi!
    Me and my boyfriend of 2 years broke up yesterday. This came as a shock to me.. On One hand this has happend twice before, and it’s always the same thing and always the same kinds of situation as this time around. So let me back up, we broke up after roughly 6 months of dating the frist time, he told me that things got to serious and that he didn’t have those kinds of feelings for me. 2 weeks later, he regret and we talked things out, and for back togheter. And then 4 months later we were talking about moving out of our homecity that summer, and decied to move in togheter. About a couple of weeks later he “freaked” out and didn’t want to be togheter anymore, this time also because he didn’t have feelings. And 3 months later, we got back togheter agian. We have been togheter for over a year since we last broke up, and for 3.5 weeks we have lived togheter. We are supose to buy a dog in not so long, and yesterday he agian dropped the bomb and told me that he felt awful, because this is the third time he has lost feelings for me. He tells me that he loves me, but there are no feelings there. Since we recently moved togheter, far from our home town, we have to live togheter. As you may see, he tends to break up with me once something is chaning in his life and he thinks it’s to much. 1. I was his frist girlfriend, things got to serious. 2. Talking about moving in togheter. 3. Recently moved in togheter, we both have gone trough changes in our life both living togheter and both of us starting new studies.
    We can’t move from eachother, and are forced to live togheter.. he of course feel bad, it’s only been a day and I’m already starting to act as a Nice roommate, not to cry, beg or anything. We have made an agreement not to tell our families yet, no hooking up with others/talking to others, espesically since we have to live togheter, share room and have a economic plan togheter. Please help me.. I’ve used this book the other to times, with sucess, but nos we live togheter. I’m desperat.. we share so much and this were supposed to be a happy time in our life. PS: he has always taken his time to adjust to New things, and does not like change. I know he still care, he says he loves me and were comforting me yesterday.. and have asked me alot about my day today ect. Sorry for the super long comment.. i’m just so scared

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 26, 2017 at 12:48 pm

      HI Synne,
      are you going to try the advice above?

  17. Avatar

    May

    July 27, 2017 at 11:46 pm

    My ex and I dated for a year, then moved in together and got engaged! We stayed living together & engaged for 4 years, and I didn’t know why we were waiting to get married . Over the past 4 years I slowly started to loose hope that he would ever marry me and let myself go a little , maybe 10 or 15 pound. We have had little fights over the years regarding sex and him needing more, he has stated he doesn’t know if 1 woman can satisfy his sexual needs, but we still remained living together and engaged. Last August we got in a huge fight and pretty much broke off everything, but stayed living together until our lease was in in Dec. 1 week before we were suppose to move out and go our separate ways he came to me and wanted to make it work. So January 2017 until about 1 month ago we tried , but yet he could not let go of how he had felt rejected in the past & would give me the opportunity to show him. As of today we are still living together, but not engaged, we are cordial to each other, but do not talk/text during the day, just late nite when we both get home from the gym. I have stoped having sex with him because I found out he was having sex with another girl, about 1 month ago. He told me that, sex with her doesn’t mean anything to him, but she shows him the attention and affection he need & he is not in love with her. I don’t know where to go from here, I do want him back, I still love him, but now there is this other girl in the picture.

    1. Avatar

      May

      July 31, 2017 at 9:05 pm

      Yes that is the 1st step.
      Currently I am doing NC with him, we have been sleeping in the same bed, we only have 1 bedroom in our house, he has not tried to cuddle with me or anything, he also just seems to act as if nothing is wrong. When we both are in the house at night before bed he just talks in usual convo like there is nothing wrong, telling me about he day, things he heard, friends, family ect. I’m worried he is not seeing a big enough change that things are different now. I have been thinking about sleeping in a different room, the living room for the remainder of the NC period, to change it up, and also just to cut out much of the small talk on his part, since we both get home late anyway just make sure I am already sleep before he arrives to the house.

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 30, 2017 at 7:54 pm

      Hi May,

      Do you want to try the advice above?

  18. Avatar

    Ally

    May 21, 2017 at 7:47 am

    Hello, thank you for this great article.
    My boyfriend and I have dated for 8 years – 1 long distance, and then 7 living together after I moved interstate to be with him. About 3 years ago we had a very stressful period (both lost our jobs, money was horrendously tight) and we started to build distance between ourselves, emotionally and in terms of physical affection.
    It was a bit of a rubber band situation, I would pull away he would come back, he would pull away, I would come back.
    Fast forward to a few weeks ago and he said he wanted to break up – we talked for a while and decided to try counselling to regain our ‘spark’ as he felt we were more like roomates (as he said, ‘leave no stone unturned’). Counselling didn’t help unfortunately as he kept talking about the relationship obtusely “something has to improve” and “I don’t know if I want to stay or leave”.
    After a couple of sessions I was doing my best trying to instigate intimacy again – hugging him hello and goodbye, snuggling up in bed or on the couch – but he kept pulling away or saying it felt ‘wrong’. In the end he broke up with me again, and then promptly started acting exactly the same – and yes, it did feel like he was a roommate. It sucks and I feel really empty, unloved and unwanted. I’m heartbroken, not only because I’ve left my partner, but also my future we planned, my two dogs and it looks like my home as I’ve been considering moving back home interstate. He has mentioned that he wants me to stay in town as ‘he’ll probably regret [the breakup]’ and told me he loves me and is sorry.
    My question (sorry, so long) is whether I should make the move to move out quickly (either to a share house here in this city, or back interstate), or if I should ask him to move, or try to stay here and make it work to win him back. He’s going to stay at our place for at least the short term, I’m not sure where he plans to live after that.

    1. Avatar

      Ally

      May 23, 2017 at 12:29 am

      Well, it turns out that he doesn’t want me to move out in the short term – he told me to stay to save some money and that he believes we can get along amicably. We’re splitting our belongings between the main and spare bedrooms and we’ve both been keeping out of each other’s way. So far he’s been friendly and I’ve been doing the modified NC – he initiates all conversations, I’m friendly and upbeat but short with ending the conversations. I feel like because of this I’ve gotten some of my power and happiness back, I’ve stopped feeling so devastated and can concentrate on improving my mental and physical wellbeing.

      Ideally I would love for us to stay together in the house and get back together romantically. I’m not going to tread water waiting for it to happen though, and have started researching plans for moving back home in a few months and started to list some unneeded possessions on Ebay and similar to declutter my life. I guess after a few days of soul searching I realised that I have to stop worrying about what HE thinks and just do what’s right for me right now.

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 22, 2017 at 7:33 pm

      if you dont get back together, what happens? and if you move out and get back together, are you moving in together again right away?

  19. Avatar

    Tina

    May 16, 2017 at 8:52 pm

    I need to ask a simple question….
    Me and My Ex are still living together and neither of us has talked about moving out…Yet!

    We have mutual associates like the corner store guy who is always asking me “Am I still with that guy I see you with all the time?” During this NC…If someone, who admire me, ask am I still in a relationship with my Ex.
    What do I say?…knowing it will get back to my Ex, and me wanting to get back with my ex?

    And what if I hear from these same people if he said we have broke up?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 18, 2017 at 6:23 pm

      haven’t you? you’re just living together but not together right?

  20. Avatar

    Mia

    April 20, 2017 at 9:29 am

    My ex and I were together 2.5 years and lived together for the majority of that. We had a very rough time recently and he decided enough was enough. I feel he didn’t give me the opportunity to work together with him to try to improve things. He is now looking at apartments to move to on his own, leaving behind myself and our pets. As we are currently still living together I feel the remaining time we have left is crucial but I simply don’t know how to act. I’ve been polite and fairly breezy and friendly and kept conversations to a minimum. But I know I will struggle as time goes on as the break up is very fresh. I feel ever so upset and he was also incredibly upset when he ended it too but he’s adamant he wants to leave. I don’t know how to act. I don’t want him to see me be a sobbing mess round the house and I also don’t want to spend all the time avoiding each other. I simply don’t know what to do or how to act and feel a wrong move could cause things to go very sour.

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