Is it even possible to get an ex boyfriend back if you live with him?
Well, that is the question we are going to explore today in episode 27 of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
We hear from Ashley.
A woman who is desperate to win her ex back.
Here is a quick recap of her situation,
- She’s been with her ex for a year
- They got into a fight and broke up
- She did what most women do by crying, begging and pleading for him back
- He told her that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone
- Then he turns around and tells her that he doesn’t want to lose her, doesn’t want her to be with anyone else and to save herself for him
- He is still living with her
- They have also been intimate
What I Teach In This Episode
- The no contact rule when you live with your ex
- Being a “respectful roommate”
- Not speaking unless spoken to
- Flip Flop emotions
- Displaying the fact that things are different (and not in a good way)
- When you can get physical with him
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
The Game Plan For Living With An Ex Boyfriend
This game plan revolves around taking advantage of an exes “flip flop emotions.”
What are flip flop emotions?
Glad you asked.
Flip Flop Emotions= An ex boyfriend clinging on to positive memories from the past and after telling you he doesn’t want to be with you he tells you that he does.
You can take full advantage of the flip flop emotions by doing the following,
1. Mini No Contact
I think a mini no contact rule is ideal for Ashley since we don’t want so much time to pass that the flip flopping emotions completely dissipate. As a result, I recommended to Ashley that she cut her no contact rule in half.
Of course, she will still have to abide by the rules of NC I set in the episode.
2. Things Have To Be Different
One of the reasons that Ashely’s ex is displaying these flip flopping emotions is the fact that he realizes things are different and that scares him. Ashely should keep the her foot on the gas peddle to continue this trend.
Men don’t like change (no one really does) and the more he clings to the past the more he will continue chasing.
3. No Physical Contact
Ashley, if you are reading this DO NOT BE INTIMITATE WITH HIM AGAIN.
Make him commit before you give that up.
Also, don’t even kiss him until he asks you out on a proper date!!!
Welcome to Episode 27 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Today we’re going to be talking about what to do if you live with your ex-boyfriend. We’re going to be hearing from Ashley who is in that exact situation.
Let’s cut to the chase:
“Hi, Chris. My name is Ashley. I have been with my boyfriend, Trent, for over a year. We live together. A couple of weeks ago, we got into it really bad. He opted out of the relationship. Of course, I’ve been crying, begging, pleading and trying to convince him to stay in the relationship. He isn’t having it right now.
He keeps saying that he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone right now, period. He just needs some time. At the same time, he tells me that he doesn’t want to lose me. He doesn’t want me to be with anyone else. He wants me to save myself for him.
He even packed up all of his things because he was going to leave. He put all of his stuff in his car, yet he’s still been staying here. We’ve been intimate. That’s making it even harder. I don’t know what to do. I was thinking about going to stay with my cousin for a few days, starting today, to disappear on him and give him some time to think and miss me.
I don’t know if doing that will hurt the situation even more because I don’t know if he’ll think that I’m sleeping with another guy or that I’m over some guy’s house. I really don’t know what to do. I really need your assistance with this. I love him. I want my baby back.”
You want your baby back. Let’s see if we can help you get your baby back. For those of you listening, here is a recap of the situation that Ashley has found herself in. She was with her ex-boyfriend for a year. It seems like they got into a fight and he broke up with her. Ashley cried, begged and pleaded like most women do when they go through a breakup.
There’s nothing new there. He tells her that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone at all. But he’s also giving her conflicting arguments here. He’s also saying, “Don’t be with anyone else. I don’t want to lose you. Save yourself for me.” It seems like he’s flip flopping there. They still live together. She’s trying to figure out how to navigate this really tough situation. She says she may stay with her cousin. They were also intimate. That’s the rundown of the situation.
When you live with someone, it’s really hard to do a lot of the tactics that I teach. A lot of the tactics that I teach have the same starting point. That is the no contact rule. The no contact rule is very difficult to implement when you do live with the person. It’s hard to ignore someone when they’re right there in front of your face 24/7.
Nevertheless, you can alter the no contact rule to fit into this kind of situation. I wrote an in depth article, not just on this situation where a couple lives together, but also all the other situations where you may be forced to contact your ex during the no contact rule.
For Ashley and other listeners who may be forced to talk to their ex during the no contact rule, I’m going to link to that article in the show notes of this episode. You can find the show notes of this episode at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode27.
Before I get into Ashely’s situation specifically, I’m going to give you a quick rundown of how to implement the no contact rule in a situation where it seems impossible to implement. If this is the very first episode you’ve ever listened to, the no contact rule is this period of time—I recommend 30 days—where you flat out ignore your ex, no matter what.
If he contacts you through text message, Facebook or calls you, you are supposed to ignore him. You are supposed to ignore his calls. The idea behind this is that it increases the chances that, not only will he miss you, but it will also increase the chances of him changing his mind about the relationship.
It also serves as a reset button. Right after a breakup, when you’re starting to try to get your ex-boyfriend back, it’s really difficult. Your ex is probably pretty angry at you. If you do the no contact rule, it can reset things. It might not be back to where they were before you dated your ex, but it can reset things to a point where you have a fighting chance. That’s all we need here to get our foot in the door.
If you’re going to do the no contact rule and you do live with your ex-boyfriend, there are certain extra things that you have to follow if you want your no contact rule to be successful. What are these things? I recommend to people to pretend that you’re a respectful roommate. If you think about it, a good roommate doesn’t really invade your personal space.
Some roommates are absolutely horrible. I’ve heard crazy stories of people who don’t shower. This is probably the strangest example. There were these two guys who got famous through YouTube. They would put out ads to get a roommate. They had a room available. A woman decided, “It’s affordable rent. We’ll split the rent three ways.” She roomed with these two guys.
The problem is, these guys were pranksters. They pranked her relentlessly. It got so bad to the point where the two guys were sued by her. This was a few years ago. I last heard that they could not post certain videos because they were getting sued by this woman. Some of the things they did to her were absolutely horrible. You want to avoid that.
You don’t want to be that type of roommate who starts arguments, pranks your ex or does anything to instigate things. You want to be the opposite of that. You want to be a respectful roommate. You want to be someone who is quiet, keeps to themselves and talks when they have to talk but is not going to invade their ex’s space or stir up any trouble.
A lot of the time when you live with someone, it’s so easy to get into another argument, especially after a breakup when the emotions are at such a heightened level. My advice is, if you’re going to do the no contact rule and you live with the person, make sure that you are as respectful as possible.
Here’s the other piece of advice when you live with someone. Do not instigate conversations. Let’s pretend that you and your ex are living together. Obviously, this is the case for you, Ashley. You are living with your ex. You wake up early one morning and make yourself breakfast. Then he wakes up and comes out to make breakfast.
You start a conversation with him because you’re a nice, bubbly person. That’s fine. Except, if you’re doing the no contact rule, do not start the conversation. He has to start every single conversation in the house for 30 days straight. How do you respond when he starts conversations? You respond as politely and respectfully as possible, just be a little bit short with him. One-word answers are great. The tone that you say that answer with is very important.
Let me give you an example. Your ex-boyfriend asks you, “What time are you going to go to work?” If you say, “10:30,” in a mean tone, it’s going to be taken that way. But if you look at him with a smile and say, “10:30,” in a high, nice tone, it makes a difference. The tone you use with your one-word answer really does matter.
You do not want to start any fights. Ideally, if you’re in a situation like Ashley where her cousin is going to offer her a place to stay for a while, take it. The no contact rule will not be as effective if you live with your ex. This is the way it is. It still will be effective in a certain way but it won’t be as effective as it would if you were not living with your ex.
The reason is that your ex-boyfriend has to sense that something is wrong and something has changed when you’re doing the no contact rule. The problem is, if you’re living with the person, you can almost give off the vibe that nothing has changed except maybe your relationship status. He can still be intimate with you. He can still kiss you. He can still treat you exactly the same but you’re not technically together. He has to understand that something is different. That’s very important to convey.
Those are my top tips on the no contact rule if you do live with the person. Let’s move on specifically to Ashley’s situation.
Ashley mentioned that she was intimate with her boyfriend, which was a mistake. Ashley, do not be intimate with him again until he commits to you. That’s the advice that I give every single woman who has slipped up and slept with their ex.
I’ll go right into the game plan for you, Ashley. I have to give a little disclaimer here. You mentioned that your ex told you that he didn’t want to be with anyone. He told you specifically, “I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone.” Yet, the next day, he changes his mind when he says, “I don’t want you to be with anyone. I want you to save yourself for me. I don’t want to lose you.”
This is what I like to call flip-flop emotions. It’s a very common thing with ex-boyfriends after a breakup. A breakup is so emotional. There are so many things going through a guy’s head.
On the one hand, he wants his freedom. He sees his out. He sees his light at the end of the tunnel. At the same time, when he’s getting close to that light at the end of the tunnel, the end of the breakup, he thinks back on his relationship and remembers all the good times that you had together.
He thinks about all of the shared, intimate moments, the personal moments, the moments that really mattered to him and had an effect on him. He thinks about these and he doesn’t want to lose it. Like I always say, men are attracted to things that make them feel good. The moments that he’s remembering make him feel good.
That’s where you get these flip-flop emotions. On the one hand, he’s saying, “I want to be free.” On the other hand, he’s saying, “But I had such a good time with her.” That’s a credit to you, Ashley. I know that you two got into a fight. I know that you broke up.
But the fact that he’s having these flip-flop emotions is a good sign. It means that he still cares about you. A big part of him inside continues to dwell on these emotional memories that he’s having. These incredibly touching moments are affecting him so much that he’s going back and forth. He’s giving you these mixed signals. He’s saying one thing and then another thing. It’s good. You can take advantage of this.
This is kind of how I’m going to structure your game plan, Ashley. I’m going to try to take advantage of these flip-flop emotions. You are in a very unique position. I can’t say that this is what’s going to happen. You may very well fail to get him back. That might be the reality of the situation. But I’m a positive thinker. I really think that you have a very good chance of getting him back. I really do, Ashley.
I’m going to give you a game plan that I think is going to really help you get him back. First, I think you should do the no contact rule. You mentioned that you were thinking about going to your cousin’s house. Do it. But do it just for a few days. Eventually, you’re going to have to come back home. Eventually, you’re going to have to figure out the living arrangements. Until then, I’m going to assume that you’re going to come back home and you two are going to live together.
I want you to do a mini no contact rule. Why am I recommending a mini no contact rule for you? It’s because I think the flip-flop emotions that your ex-boyfriend is exhibiting is a really good sign. I want to act on these sooner rather than later. The longer you let this dwell, the more his flip-flop emotions will flip or flop to one side. It can either go your way or it won’t go your way.
For example, let’s say that you’re trying the full-out no contact rule on him for 30 days. Around day 21, he comes to the conclusion that he does not want to be with you. It’s almost like a balancing scale. All of a sudden, the scale is balanced in the area where he doesn’t want to be with you. If you shorten your no contact rule to 14 days, you can potentially get that scale to flop onto the other side where he wants to be with you.
He’s stuck in these emotions and touching moments that he’s had with you. They’ve had such a positive effect on him. You want the scale to tip into that direction. I’m recommending a 14 day no contact rule so that not a lot of time goes by to make the scale flip into the direction that you don’t want it to go.
One of the reasons that he’s having these flip-flop emotions is because things are different now. He doesn’t have you anymore. He’s mentioned this when he says that he’s afraid that you’re going to sleep with someone. This tells me that he’s very concerned. This tells me that he still cares about you on a very deep level.
Like I said, men are competitive. Sometimes a little competition is good. It’s almost good if something is different and he continues to have these feelings. He’ll lock you down sooner. He knows you’re not going to go with someone else if you’re with him. It’s a way of locking you down sooner. The fact that he’s doing things that prove that he’s thinking about this is good.
You definitely want to exhibit that something is different in the relationship. You can do that by holding true to the no contact rule when you live with someone. Be a respectful roommate. Avoid arguments. Don’t speak unless he speaks to you first. That one little tip alone will create that vibe. He’s going to have to be the one who initiates the conversations.
You’re not going to be cold but you’re going to be short with him. You’re going to be nice and bubbly but short with him. That fact alone is going to show him that something is different. He does not like that it’s different. He wants to get back to the way things used to be, even though when you get back together, things are never going to be the same. It doesn’t mean that it has to be worse. It could be better. For now, he’s under the assumption that he wants things to be like they were before.
Step one is the mini no contact rule of 14 days. I explained my reasoning there. Step two is that things have to be different. I explained my reasoning there.
Step three is not to be intimate with him at all. There is no physical touch, like kissing and hugging. Don’t do that unless you get a date with him. A date is when he asks you out on a date to go outside, the movies, dinner or coffee. That could be considered a date. This will further show him that things are different. If he locks you down then you can give him all the physical benefits that he’s seeking. But men always want what they can’t have. A girl who won’t even touch him, kiss him or be like she used to be is going to prove that to him.
I think the biggest takeaway from this game plan for you, Ashley, is that you need to exhibit that things are clearly different. The fact that your ex is flip-flopping with his emotions tells us a lot about his mindset. It means that the memories he’s latching on to in your relationship are very strong. The only reason he’s having this is because he knows that right now things are different.
Your relationship is different. He doesn’t like it. It makes him feel uncomfortable. It’s a little bit scary when things change. The more you can give him this feeling, the more he’s going to want it to change back to the way it was when his life was easier, when he was in love with you, when he couldn’t think of anything else but you. Really work hard to exhibit this, Ashley. I think you can do an incredible job if you do pull it off.
As far as what to say to him, text him or how to flirt with him, I’m going to link to my ebook, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. I think that can help you a lot in not only getting him back but giving you a reference guide of what you can say to him and the memories that you have to bring up. The fact that he’s latching on to the memories is almost like a double whammy.
If you can figure out the exact memories that he’s latching on to and causing him to have this flip-flopping type of feeling, and leverage those in some sort of conversation with him, I think that would turn out really well for you.
I was debating on whether or not to use jealousy in this particular situation. For some reason, my gut tells me that it might scare him off for good. I think your mind is your own worst enemy. It is a good sign that he doesn’t want you to be with anyone. It’s a good sign that he’s clearly afraid of that. I think if you were to engage in jealousy, he would just get more hurt than angry. When people are angry, they’re more likely to take action. In my experience, when people are extremely hurt, they almost give up. That’s why I say that using jealousy is like playing with fire. Sometimes it can be scary if you don’t use it the right way.
I don’t think you should use any jealousy, Ashley. If things are different, his mind is his own worst enemy. The right kind of jealousy that you need to get him back will be created by him in his own mind without you having to lift a finger. All you have to do is exhibit the fact that things are different now. Things aren’t going to be the same. He’s not going to get the benefits he got with you in the past.
That’s the game plan for today, Ashley. I hope that helped. If you have any questions, Ashley, just comment on the show notes of Episode 27. You can find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode27.
For those of you listening, if you have any questions, please shoot me a comment. I’m going to be answering comments today. I did extra work yesterday on writing content so that I could get to the comments today.
This is a heads up. Within the next week or two, the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery website that you all know and love is going to undergo a drastic redesign. The redesign is looking incredible. It’s very female friendly. It’s very authoritative and very professional looking. It’s exactly what I want for this Ex-Boyfriend Recovery brand.
I want to take a moment to thank you for listening to this podcast. Your time means the world to me. If you have any questions, feel free to comment or contact me on the contact page. Please keep reading the website. If you have an ex-boyfriend, there is information there for how to get him back or how to get over him. I’m trying to take over this little segment of the relationship industry. I want to be the go-to guy for any kind of relationship advice regarding exes.
The fact that you’re listening to this podcast means the world to me. It means that I’m doing a good job. That’s it for Episode 27. I’ll see you tomorrow.