Your ex obviously liked you at some point, otherwise he wouldn’t be an ex.
So, in theory, it should be easier to get someone who had already liked you once to like you again as opposed to someone who didn’t. So, we have that going for us.
Right?
Okay.
So, lets talk about this.
Your relationship ended. So, I have to ask HOW it ended.
Was it neutral or negative?
A Neutral Breakup would be without a lot of fallout
A Negative Breakup would be with a lot of fallout.
Pretty self explanatory, right?
Okay. So, according to the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program you’ll have to go through No Contact no matter what. The length of time that it lasts depends on the type of breakup.
No Contact is a strict rule stating that you can’t call, email, text, Facebook, Instagram, or Google+, or use a carrier pigeon to contact your ex for a set number of days. If you break the NC (No Contact) period then you will have to start over from day one.
There is a Limited No Contact that refers to situations where you might, live with, work with, or share custody with your ex.
In my opinion, there are three optimum time frames:
- 21 days
- 30 days
- 45 days
Notice how none of the time frames are crazy like 60 days or 90 days. Some programs will tell you something crazy like that.
Here’s how I’m going to lay it out for you.
- 21 days – Neutral Breakup
- 30 days – Negative Breakup
- 45 days – Negative Breakup and Negative Response
To read up on No Contact you can follow this link to an article on specifically that. You see, there needs to be time before you actually re-establish contact with your ex.
The truth is, getting your ex to like you revolves around one point in time and that is when you contact him again.
We are going to split the actions we are going to talk about today into three sections:
- Pre-Contact (AKA No Contact): Because nothing in our program really works without this part.
- Contact: We’ll cover how to reach out to your ex to make him more likely to like you again.
- Post Contact: How to get him to keep liking you.
Seems simple enough, right?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
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What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizPre-Contact Actions: Self-Awareness & Getting Your Ex to Like You
It is no secret, your ex will check up on you at some point even if you do absolutely nothing. It is up to you what he sees.
It will be tempting to lean into playing the victim and making him feel bad that the two of you aren’t together. But let’s be honest, who wants to be with someone out of guilt? How long do you really think that will last?
No, you are actually going to do the opposite of what your instincts tell you to do do during No Contact.
Relationship Assessment: What Did Your Ex Like Most About You?
What did your ex like about you when you were together? What characteristics do you know that he will miss most about you?
There are four categories you can consider in this instance:
Physical – What physical traits did your ex find most attractive about you?
Mental – Did your ex admire your wit, your intelligence? Did you have an innate ability to understand where he was coming from?
Interests – Did the two of you have common interests?
Abilities – Do you have talents or a passion that he admired about you?
Make a list of all of the things your ex found attractive in each of these areas.
Once you have done this, you are going to decide what areas you want to focus on. You have a unique knowledge of your ex. Only you can determine what areas will have the biggest effect on him.
When you are down with your list you should have a list of things about you that you know for a fact your ex found attractive when you were together and two improvements you want to make in your life.
The goal is to make improvements that serve to make your life better and also make you more attractive to your ex.
During No Contact, you are going to focus on this list and making those two improvements.
Now, because social media plays such a big part in our lives these days, we are going to use it to our advantage.
First, take a moment to do a self-assessment. You can use the format below if you like.
Once you have this done, you are going to turn all of your focus onto these areas.
Do everything you can to improve on them. For example, if your ex liked your eyes, you are going to learn how to accentuate them with makeup. How to take care of them and avoid crow’s feet. how to shape your eyebrows to draw attention to your eyes.
Same with other features. If he liked your legs, you are going to learn to dress to draw attention to your legs, what shoes to wear, etc.
If he liked that you were passionate about something you are going to turn your focus to that.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe idea is to use what you already know about him to your advantage and play into those factors.
Now, you are going to be tempted to wallow in self pity rather than actual do any of these things I’ve told you. So, we are going to turn thoughts of your ex into a sort of alarm system.
Just like an alarm clock signals for you to wake up. When you find yourself sitting around just feeling sorry for yourself or living in the past, that is going to signal you to actually get up and DO three things that play to the things on this list.
Now, if you are in No contact, how will your ex know that you are doing all of these things.
Well, that’s why I mentioned that your ex checks up on you. With the way things are going today, he has plenty of ways to do so. But there are two things in particular that you can use to your advantage.
- Social Media
- Circle of Influence
Social Media pretty much permeates every area of our lives. It makes sense that your sadness over your breakup would bleed over into your social media. Well, you are going to go back through your feeds and clear out everything since the breakup that is negative or about the breakup in any way.
Now, from here on out you are going to put a filter on what you post. Before you post anything you have to consider whether each post reflects some aspect of the things on this list. That means no random reposting sad song lyrics or other posts. Also, you need to limit your posts to once every other day, unless something major like a graduation, birthday, or birth of a Niece or nephew. the reason for this is to make you actually question what you are putting out there before you post it.
Circle of Influence is basically the people in his life that he listens to. It can be filled with his close friends or family. They are the people he trusts.
Assuming the two of you were together for a while, your Circle of Influence likely interacts or even converges with his. So, you need to fight that urge to whine about your breakup to anyone who will listen. Instead you want to treat this just like your social media. Everything that the people in his circle see or hear should reflect the image you are wanting to put into the world.
That image is one of someone who is doing fine (even if you aren’t) and owning her strengths (even if it’s difficult).
Got it?
Good.
Contacting Your Ex in a Way that Makes Them Like You
Here at EBR we stand by texting as a method of reaching out to your Ex for first contact after No Contact. Phone calls have the potential to get too emotional and unpredictable. Writing a letter is a little outdated and just carries a different kind of weight of importance to it.
Texting has the upside of being just informal enough not to be uncomfortable. It also allows you time to think about your responses and have his responses in written form. The only downside is reading too much into them really. but if we’re being honest, you’re gonna do that with anything you get.
I literally wrote a whole book on just this called the Texting Bible. You should check it out.
Sufficed to say, there is one thing you definitely shouldn’t do and that is GNATting.
GNAT stands for Going Nuts At Texting.
And let’s be honest, no one likes gnats.
Here’s an example of gnatting.
Whereas, this is what your texts are supposed to look like.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
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In order to get this to happen you have to get your ex to actually interact with you. That means that your first text should be so interesting and fascinating that it will be impossible for him not to respond.
You want to stay away from boring nonstarters like…
This seems like it’d be a good way to start a convo, but it is about as transparent as plastic wrap. Your ex knows what you want and he’s going to automatically put up a wall and fight the desire to talk to you. Either he won’t respond or he’ll respond with negatively. The conversation will peter out or turn sour quickly.
The best way to reach out is with something interesting like,
This allows your ex a chance to fill in the blank before you actually tell him your “confession.”
No, don’t confess your undying love for him. That’s a surefire way to end up blocked or worse.
You are going to confess that you are addicted to that show he kept trying to make you watch.
Or that you still have no idea what to do with the oil in your car. It open you up to asking him how to do it.
Or that you finally got the nerve up to ask for a raise or apply for that job you wanted.
Whatever it is, make sure it’s something HE is interested in, but that YOU can carry a conversation on about.
Got it?
Okay! Next!
Post Contact: Keeping Your Exes Attention
One of my favorite things about contacting an ex is knowing when to play your cards close to your chest.
The downside of this is that when talking to your ex you are going to be so excited that you are talking to your ex that you can’t bring yourself to stop talking to your ex. The conversation will run into the ground.
If you’ve read anything from Ex Boyfriend Recovery before you know that men love mystery. Heck, you might just know that because… common sense.
The best way to cultivate this is to cut a good conversation short. in fact, the better the conversation, the more important it is that you cut it off!
It seem counter intuitive I know, but let’s look at it this way.
If you continue talking to him until the conversation just comes to an end, this is what the conversation will look like. It will end on a low.
BUT…
Yeah, there’s a but.
If you end a conversation here, before it starts declining,
then the conversation ends at a high point. There is still potential for the conversation to get better, more interesting.
He gets done talking to you and he has the feeling that you have more to you that he hasn’t gotten to yet.
The other upside to this is that, as human beings, we can’t stand to leave things unfinished. He’ll want to talk to you and won’t know why because it feels like there is something unfinished left between the two of you. He will trick himself into thinking he not only NEEDS to talk to you, but that he WANTS to. Better yet he will thing that he LIKES talking to you.
Wrap It Up
Getting your ex to like you isn’t going to be difficult. It’s just a matter of actually doing what you know you should.
- No Contact – getting through No Contact with a positive image
- Contact – Reaching out – in the right way
- Post Contact – Following through with the right mindset
The best part is that you don’t have to do it alone. We have more than enough articles, books and coaches to help you be successful.
Sophie
May 5, 2019 at 9:38 pm
Hi me and my ex broke up 6 days ago
To cut a long story short I could see a difference in sex affection and attraction for sometime which was getting me down and lead to a few discussions of what we were going to improve. He is emotionally like a brick wall I told him I loved him and he said he has feelings and cares but doesn’t feel like he’s at that stage yet but we worked through it two weeks later I called him out for ignoring my messages and seeming like he didn’t want to talk to me anymore anyway he said he needs space. I left him alone for the night as he said on the phone it was over. I pestered him for the next few days he told my sisters boyfriend that we split up before I even got a chance to tell him. I was a gnat haha I begged him but he said he feels like there’s no going back but he kept saying stuff like I can text him and we can talk another time it’s so confusing. The last time I saw him I was a blubbering wreck which was Wednesday night I text him and said I didn’t want to leave like this and I got no reply.
The past 4 days I was doing ok with no contact but decided I wanted my stuff so he fully knew it was over. I went to his house before I went out for drinks so I was all dressed up and I felt confident. I got my stuff and we talked for an hour not about us or our relationship just life and what we’d been doing the past few days and we had a laugh. He seems like he wants to stay in my life he gave me money for a boxing fight we were going to watch on Saturday so he could watch it aswell and he said he might text me about going to the cinema on Friday. He held my hand down the stairs (because I had heels on) then hugged me tight before I went and watched me walk all the way out of the gate.I have no idea what to do I’m just happy I left an image of happiness and confidence when I left his house
Julie
April 14, 2019 at 3:48 pm
Hi Chris,
Thank you for the insightful article. I have just went through a break up with my boyfriend of well over one year. He broke up with me due to his desire of wanting to take on new opportunities; and felt that being with me would only constrain him as he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship (he seemed willing to take up non-serious relationships along the way). He also mentioned that I failed to satisfy his needs in some aspects (intimacy, etc.). However, a part of me feels that he was initially in for a serious relationship since he told me he had given up a lot of opportunities along the way for me. I have thought about all my mistakes and wish to change things about myself to be alongside him (however a little too late of course). With this in mind, it has been very hard for me to let go due to that lingering thought as I find him to be a person worth pursuing a future with. He has requested that we stay friends as well as a mutual agreement to continue our 600-day streak on Snapchat together. With his fixed mindset on wanting “new opportunities”, do you believe that I hold any chance of rekindling that relationship if I engage in NC? Or would doing so just slim my chances and end up in me distancing from him even further? Thank you!
(Also wanted to note that he said he’d consider me first down the line for a serious relationship if our paths aligned… but I feel that it’s just false hope on my end.)
lala
April 13, 2019 at 4:59 am
hi chris so i have done the no contact and re contacted after 3o days it was good. since then we have been talking a lot and he confides in me he even asked me out to dinner but he never made an official day for it and that was weeks ago. what do i do?
gaby
April 12, 2019 at 8:15 pm
i went through a messy and painful break up with my long distance ex bf a year ago. He dumped me on the phone claiming our relationship was unsustainable, we argued too much, not happy anymore and dont love me anymore. I did NC and contacted him after 60days later without getting any reply. I dont think i will contact him again but has he moves on, will he ever think of getting back with me? Im still in so much of pain.
Paige
March 23, 2019 at 12:51 am
Chris! I need your help! I have been “dating” this guy for 7 months and things were amazing except his ex of 2 years keeps showing back up in his life… he said he still has feelings for her and he didn’t know that she had the same feelings (until recently). He said he doesn’t know what he wants and is scared. He has been seeing both of us off and on. We hung out every day for a week and it was so amazing! He told me that he was done with his ex and then 2 days later he was at her house. So I text him and told him I hope she’s worth it. That was a week and a half ago and he hasn’t responded or reached out to me at all! I haven’t text him either… he has been with her every day since I called him out. But he has been looking at my Instagram stories. Should I continue the no contact and if so for how long? Or am I just pushing him back to her by not talking to him? He has told me that he doesn’t want someone to depend on him and that he isn’t ready to be commited to anyone. He was married for 15 years before and has been off and on with this new girl for 2 years since his divorce. Please please help me! I don’t know what to do…
Mikayla
March 7, 2019 at 7:07 pm
Hi I’ve been going through a breakup with my ex bf an we’ve been broken up for about atleast going on 3 months now. We’ve been together 2 years. Had a great relationship an no one cheated. My high school sweetheart I would say since 11th grade. But we fell off because he said I lied an had deleted messsages an was talking to his enemy. I understand I shouldn’t have deleted messages because that makes it look like I’m doing something but I’ve never cheated. I guess everyone has their own version of cheating as in verbal. We kept trying to work at it after that but when I brought up something he got mad all over again an broke up with me. He can never forgive an start fresh an move on, an he blames me for stuff I’m not doing. I haven’t talked to him since last Thursday. On that Tuesday since I’m off every Tuesday I asked if we could talk about our situation after I heard from my friend that he was like omg someone else I immediately asked if we could talk about our situation, he agreed to come over to my house that Tuesday to talk but he didn’t wanna get into the situation an he wasn’t making eye contact with me like he normally does, but we still talked alittle askin what we’ve both been up to an that was it. Then he had texted me saying he came over to see if he was feeling it but he honestly wasn’t an then said we could be friends with benefits an see where that goes but I almost agreed to do that but I changed my mind and said no because that’s not right. And I told him how are you likein someone else but trying to have benefits with me, and he said “i mean….she ain’t you”. But I told him I’m no ones fuck buddy an especially not his an I stopped talking to him. Then yesterday a few days ago now I seen on his insta snap poll he said he been talking to a bad bitch an that he’ll see how long that lasts. Please help I really want him to want me again for a relationship but I don’t wanna come up to needy and hearing that makes me think my chances are up. What do I do??
Meg
March 4, 2019 at 11:19 pm
How can my ex of four years say he loves me wants to know if I’m missing him to three days later blowin up at me over the phone and being completely mean and screaming at me over how stressed he is at his job and be he needs time to himself cause he’s so always sore and in pain his job is very physical.
We were on and off and we always got back together I was his first everything. He also is mad that I don’t trust him and he got mad when I mentioned hanging with a male friend than he tried playing it off like he could careless if I was hanging with my friend when 72 hours before he told me if he found out I was seeing anyone he’d be so angry. He texted me a few days ago also that “you know I love you” regarding that male friend we are only just friends but he seems to think my friend wants more than just a friendship with me
I feel like he hates me now it wasn’t clear if he never wants to speak to me again or if he’s just dealing with a lot either way I’m backing off but I don’t see how I can get him to even like me again. Ps can’t afford your books but I took the quiz and got a 84 out of 100 and I know all about the NC rule.
Chris Seiter
March 5, 2019 at 4:39 am
Hi Meg…so you are in pretty solid shape if you are up to speed on the NC rule. It seems to me you would benefit by employing that approach. There is a lot to the method…more than people realize.
Defne
March 3, 2019 at 5:29 pm
Me and my boyfriend broke up 2 months ago.as i acted needy he slowly stopped communicating me.as he stopped talking my friend asked him if he was going to talk with me and he said i was getting hurt so not talking for a while might work.for nearly two months i tried to talk with him and he said he didnt want to talk.anyway i stopped trying for 21 days and on 21st day one of my friends commit suicide.i simply told him that and we talked for few minutes nothing negative happened.what do i do now?
Chris Seiter
March 3, 2019 at 5:55 pm
Hi Defne….Very sorry to hear about your friend. So it looks like you and your ex are making a little progress. Think in terms of little steps as you try to build on the communications you just had.
Noah
March 1, 2019 at 4:00 pm
My wife left me for 4months now,and she was following other guys around me,how do I get her back?
Chris Seiter
March 1, 2019 at 10:45 pm
Sorry to hear that Noah. You ex recovery plan will depend on my any factors. Have you employed No Contact or are the two of you communicating still at this stage?
Barbara
February 27, 2019 at 1:19 pm
My ex told me to move on and it will never ever happen. He said he’s dating someone new and it’s been 6 weeks since we broke up. 2 weeks after the break up he told me he didn’t know how to be alone and he needed to figure that out and was crying on the phone. Is this a rebound? Do you think it will last long? We were together for almost 4 years.
My whole life can’t surround around him. I’m tired of this.
Tania
February 24, 2019 at 6:24 am
Hi Ashley, thanks for the article. You mentioned 21 days for neutral fallouts – does this apply to newer relationships and a situation where block is in force? Also, is there a danger if no contact goes on much longer than the 45 days because you are sorting things out yourself?
Chris Seiter
February 24, 2019 at 7:00 pm
So 21 days seems to be the sweet spot for a lot people. And as you approach 60 days, one usually get’s diminishing returns. But every situation is unique, with lots of factors to consider. Take a look at picking up my Program. And the “No Contact Rule Book” would also be a good resource for you!
Katelynn
February 23, 2019 at 12:00 pm
Hi Chris,
I’ve been in post contact with my ex bf of 1 1/2 years for a couple of weeks now. I did nc successfully for 23 days (he didn’t reach out at all either,) I get neutral/positive responses (more neutral) from him when I text him. He always msgs me back almost immediately. The problem is, I am the one who always has to imitate texts. He never reaches out first. I thought by now he’d have initiated some sort of contact through text. It’s really discouraging that he hasn’t initiated any contact with me since we split 2 months ago. I have purchases and read all of your e-books over and over again. I’m at a loss as to what to do next. Continue intiating texts or just give up?
Any advice you have would be very much appreciated.
Thanks