Hello, and welcome to another great episode of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery podcast.
Today we’re going to be talking about what to do if your intuition or your gut is telling you that your ex is going to come back. And how maybe, just maybe you shouldn’t ignore that.
But I would be remiss if I didn’t first introduce you to the ultimate starting point that I think everyone who’s even considering getting an ex back, or wanting to move on from an ex should start. And that’s by hopping over to our website at exboyfriendrecovery.com and taking our ex recovery chances quiz.
Now a little bit about the quiz, the quiz we designed in three parts, specifically to ask you probing questions about your relationships so that we can get to the bottom of taking those questions and then comparing them to the average situation that we see.
And how often those average situations get their ex’s back.
So it’s a great way of putting your answers through a sophisticated algorithm and spitting out a score, that’s an approximate idea of if you should be trying to get your ex back or if you should be trying to move on. So again, if you’re interested in taking that quiz, all you have to do is stop by our website, exboyfriendrecovery.com.
And all the information will be there on the homepage for you.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizShould You Trust Your Intuition If Your Gut Is Telling You That Your Ex Will Come Back?
Okay. So intuition, if your gut feeling is telling you that your ex is going to come back, maybe you shouldn’t ignore it. So I’m a firm believer in logic and looking at reality, and the intuition side of things is almost the exact opposite of that.
Oftentimes you’ll hear from people who have their ex’s come back to them.
They’ll say something like, “I just had a feeling he would come back.” Or, “My gut is telling me this is not over. My gut is telling me I need to keep trying.”
And also you’ll have those people who say that, but they’re not looking at their situation in a clear manner. They really have no chance of getting their ex back.
Well, let’s look at intuition as a whole. And intuition by nature is a pseudo science. Often people will call it hocus-pocus, it’s sort of the psychic side of things. But let’s look at what is commonly referred to as women’s intuition.
Which is ironic because I think it’s usually men that are calling them… that are labeling it that way. So what does research indicate about intuition, specifically when it comes to women? Well, research has clearly shown that nonverbal communication skills within women as a group are better.
They’re better at reading facial expressions of emotions than men. They’re also seen as more empathic than men, and that they’re more likely to see themselves as more empathic. Therefore, they tend to be more open to others, emotional messages, nonverbal cues, things of that nature. Women seem to have a headstart on men.
The Main Difference Between Men, Women And Intuition
And I find this extremely fascinating and I think I’m a really, really good person to point this fact out, is the fact that I do have two websites. One for men, and one for women. Now the women’s website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery versus the men website, Ex Girlfriend Recovery.
The women’s website is obviously so much bigger because there’s not only more women out there searching for help, but it’s just the website I started first. So it’s obviously has more of my soul poured into it.
So that may be one of the reasons why it’s more successful.
But what’s interesting is I have a lot of data between how women act when they go through breakups and how men act when they go through breakups. And for the most part, the reactions are exactly the same. I mean breakups are one of the more stressful aspects when people are going through it in general.
So it’s not shocking to see men and women act the same way. But there are some really, really interesting differences that I noticed.
The first difference I noticed is that women actually struggle more of a starting things, right? They have a have a lot of struggle with creating a spark, sparking up a conversation, sparking up a relationship. Starting the rapport building to rebuild attraction and things of that nature.
Whereas men don’t really struggle with that. And my theory has always been that men, because they are… There’s this socially acceptable nature in which men, they’re basically the people or the person in the relationship that takes the lead. It’s socially acceptable for that. So by nature it seems normal for them. Women necessarily aren’t.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizNow what’s interesting though is the opposite is true when it comes to keeping things started, right? So men tend to struggle not with starting things up, not with starting a conversation or starting the attraction building process. They struggle with keeping their ex’s interested.
They struggle with keeping things going, so to speak. Now, what does that tell us about intuition? Well, I’m not really sure it tells us much to be honest with you. Other than the fact that when it comes to starting things up with an ex, women seem to have a clear disadvantage, right?
But maybe, I guess the point of why I’m trying to explain this to you very, very poorly if I might add. Is that maybe men struggle more with keeping things started because they aren’t as adept at reading nonverbal communication skills.
They’re not as adept at reading between the lines which women seem to specialize in. And maybe that specialization, the nonverbal communication skills, the empathic side of them allows women’s intuition to be stronger, which allows them to keep things started much more adeptly than men.
But when it comes to intuition, I think it’s kind of impossible to ignore the fact of statistically, what does the average sort of thing happen when it comes to breakups? How often do ex’s try to get back together? How often are ex’s thinking about their partners? How often are they staying friends? Well, it just so happens for this particular podcast episode. I wanted to do just that. So I went through and found some very, very reputable sources and looked at how on point women’s intuition was when it came to breakups.
What Do Statistics Say About Your Overall Chances With Your Ex?
So here’s the first thing that stuck out to me. NBC did a poll maybe 10, 15 years ago where they surveyed people and asked them, “Well, how often have you stayed friends with their ex?” And 48% of people that they surveyed had said, “Yeah. I have stayed friends with my ex.”
While 18% of people said, “Well, I tried to stay friends with my ex, but it didn’t work out.” So if you’re actually doing the math, that means after a breakup there’s a 66… According to NBC at least, there’s a 66% chance that your ex is going to be open to staying friends with you.
And what’s interesting is maybe the intuition a lot of women have is also from the fact that research has clearly pointed out that staying friends with an ex, usually only ends in one of two ways. Now I say usually because there are always outliers to it, but usually ends with a reconnection or another sort of break of the friendship.
Now here’s the other interesting thing. YourTango, the website YourTango, also did a poll a few years ago where they asked their readers, “Well, how often do you guys think about your ex?” And 71% of people said that they thought about their exes too much. And one of my favorite studies, I think that was done maybe in 2014 or 2015, is We TV did a poll, where they asked their exes, “Well, how many times have you guys actually gotten back together?” And 41% of people admitted that getting back together with an ex happened in their lives.
So when people or women… When I hear women saying, “Yeah. I have this intuition, my gut is telling me he’s going to come back.” Statistically the statistics are on your side. Now I’m always really quick to point out that these polls don’t exactly measure the thing that we really want measured is, how often do ex’s get back together?
Well, one thing I do have tons of measurement on are our success rates. And I am very, very candid about them because I like to be honest with people.
A lot of people actually believe the odds are stacked against them. And that’s kind of true. But one thing we have made clear so far, at least I hope I’ve made clear in the research portion of this sort of podcast episode, is that a lot of people try to be friends with their ex. A lot of people think about their ex’s too much. And even though it’s not a… Even though it seems kind of low, 41% of people have admitted to getting back together with an ex.
So at the very least your ex is probably open to talking and being friends. But what does a success rate look like when you’re actually attempting to get your ex back and you’re using the strategies that we teach?
So over the course of, I think this year maybe we haven’t had that many, but we’ve taken on… I’ve been injured for most of this year, so most of them this year has been me trying to recover from three surgeries. I don’t know if I opened up on the podcast and told anyone that, but that’s what’s been going on with me. But anyways, over the course of this year, we’ve taken on 10 high value clients.
Now these are clients that are not normal. And what I mean by that is, normally we do one-on-one coaching sessions over the phone. We usually do an hour, to an hour and a half. But for people who pay top, top, top dollar that we’ve been working with for months and months and much months, we’re responding to all of their messages all the time, we’re holding their hand throughout the entire process.
For those people, we estimate… Not estimate, seven out of the 10 have gotten their ex’s back, right? So that’s, if you are trying to get your ex’s back, the odds are actually better than you think. So that still kind of skirts the issue of intuition and what I personally believe about intuition. Now, one thing I’ve tried to move Ex Boyfriend Recovery towards or the ex Recovery program, or any of my little relationship empire towards is this idea of logic, and how we’re going to make informed decisions based on logic.
Intuition Vs. Logic
Well, here’s the funny thing.
Intuition is the exact opposite of logic, isn’t it? I mean if you were to add it, or look at it as a spectrum, intuition would be on one end and the logic would be on the other end.
They just sort of don’t coincide. But what’s interesting I find is that I can’t tell you how often that the people who have success in winning their ex’s back, assuming that’s what they want to do. Well, will say something along the lines of, “I don’t know why I said that.” Or, “I don’t know why I did that. I just felt that it would work.” Or, “I can’t really explain to you Chris, why I said this certain text to him that sort of sent him off in a positive way. I just felt that it would work.”
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSo I think there is a time for intuition.
I think there is a time for trusting your gut, but I think the ultimate goal should be for everyone who’s going through this process is to try to trust your gut in a logical way. So it’s kind of like finding a balance between both logic and intuition.
And oftentimes I think everyone is connected to their intuition, but often they don’t label it as intuition.
We’ll say, “It just felt right.”
Well sometimes, and this is especially true when you’re reconnecting with your ex, you’re talking to them again and you’re trying to rebuild connection with them, or attraction with them. That’s like I said, where most women shine.
And I think they shine because they are able to trust their gut. Whereas men have maybe a little bit of a harder time because they don’t have that honed in intuition. They’re not great at picking up nonverbal cues.
They’re not even great at picking up texting cues or things of that nature, where I can’t tell you how often women in our private Facebook support group are literally dissecting everything that their ex is sending them through a text message.
And trying to understand it and they’re getting all sorts of views from all sorts of other women, and a few men as well. So I think trusting your gut is an important thing to do once you are in the proper place.
Now what do I mean by that? The proper place? Well, the worst thing… The biggest mistake that I see people making always happens around the no contact rule. They’re either breaking it too early or finding an excuse to break it early. So I think what’s important is at the beginning you just almost want to be clinically logical, right?
Because you do not want to break the no contact rule for a trivial reason. But after the no contact rules over, after you feel like you’re in a better place emotionally and you do start talking to your ex again. And you get into a conversation if you feel the flow is right. I think it’s okay to trust your gut sometimes.
I’m always saying adaptation is the one thing that I’ve seen successful people do, that unsuccessful people don’t do. Unsuccessful people are too book wormish. I know that’s a horrible thing to say, but they don’t allow conversations to unfold organically.
And I think that’s more of an intuition or gut type of a feeling.
So if you’re sitting there and you feel, “I feel like he is going to come back.” I think it might be okay to trust your gut.
Don’t ignore it.
Madilyn
March 16, 2022 at 10:26 pm
Hi! My boyfriend and I have known eachother for two years. We met on swim team and then really hit it off this last summer, then we dated for 6months and had promise rings. First for everything. We loved eachother so much. And I had my perks and apologized and I had lost myself in the relationship and it slowly fell apart. He left for state swim and then that day he got back after practically ghosting me- since I was blowing his phone up worried he was ok, he calls and we talk about giving one another space. Well he was on board, then the next mornign was our anniversary and then I saw him at his house and gave him a card and yeah and then he broke up with me later that day saying it’s not going to work right now for either of us. Plus I needed to work on focusing on me. Well the following Friday I showed up at his door after not talking to him and giving some stuff back- we talked about it for a minute and then he said that he still loves me and cares and didn’t want to have to break up with me and that he would ignore me so I can focus on myself. So throughout the NC for about 30 days he basically giving me mixed signals at school and stuff and looking for me in classes to see if I was ok apparently. So he cares but then the other day he called and he said “.i don’t see a future with you, I don’t think we’re compatible, you did this to yourself…, I’ve seen your immaturity for over the past weeks of not talking to me, and I’m not sending you mixed signals.” So he was really rude and cold about it, and I was nothing but nice. But deep down I feel like we’re meant to be. And I know my gut is right, but he just I helped him out of his depression and it makes it seem like I’m a monster. I’m giving him space but he’s Jsut- idk what’s going on. How do I make him realize what he lost truly? Because I know he loves me but like idk if he’s talking to some other girl in his ear but I can’t feel the same with someone else. Another friend of mine hung out today and kissed me and I became sad and sick to my stomach because it wasn’t my Ethan. I wish I had ethan back. Please help!!!
Jenny
January 30, 2021 at 9:06 am
Hi ebrteam,
I started dating a guy through a dating app for six months, it turns out he was my friends with my guy friends. He was consistent for the whole six months when we were together. He always reassured me with everything – just like when he says he sees a future with me. That kind of reassurance was enough for me because I don’t want to add or pressure him since he’s in med school. He even calls me “wifey”. We would always spend time together when he’s free (like Friday we would spend the night, the next day he’s just going to study in my house). I’m pretty established where I’m at and he’s still in med school. He’s always stressed with school, which I completely understand especially with COVID so he’s doing online classes. He’s a man of his words, when he says something he would always do it or show up. If he can’t make it, he will let me know ahead of time. He ended things in an abrupt way because it was very unexpected, just because he has always reassured me with everything. I never had a gut feeling that this guy was a bad guy (I usually get those though before). He just ended it because he knows that he can’t give me “commitment” right now. He said he really needs to focus on his school right now. but after two weeks he did that he broke off contact and said he misses me but I set boundaries that I told him I’m trying to move on. He said that we should forget whatever happened, but he did hurt me. I told him I’m going to think about it. After 3 weeks, I saw him and we talked and I told him that it would be best to stay friends for now because I don’t want to mend with his school. We both agreed to be friends. But then I still miss him. I feel like there’s a “feeling” that we would be together but I don’t know.
Jess
September 16, 2020 at 6:47 pm
Hi EBR Team,
I broke up with my fiancé because he was allowing his family to meddle in our relationship, and he did not see it as meddling/ did not like me/ tried getting rid of me. He felt stuck in the middle and could not fight back/advocate for us. Been together for 1.5 years. Although I broke up, it felt like he did because he changed and became resentful towards me. I still feel in my gut that we are meant to be together and that he will contact me. Any advice?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 16, 2020 at 7:45 pm
Hey Jess, so the first issue is why was his family trying to get rid of you? If there are issues with his family and he is close with them, then that’s one major factor in getting him back. His resentment is that you ended the relationship with him, when he did not see the issue. If he is not going to see the reason for the break down in your relationship it is unlikely it is going to be fixed. Work on yourself during your No Contact and see what happens when you reach the texting phase
Jess
July 10, 2020 at 3:46 pm
Hello,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over five years now. We started dating when we were 19 and just broke up at 24. We decided to break up because he felt like he hasn’t got the opportunity to explore since we were really young when we first met each other. I dated a couple of people before our relationship but I was his first person he really dated. He said he doesn’t want to marry me if he’s curious about other women. He wants these thoughts out of his head and he said maybe one day we can have a future together. I started no contact and plan for continue no contact for a total of 60 days. What do I do after the 60 days are over because I really want him back. We work really well together.
Kira
June 14, 2020 at 10:30 am
Dear Shaunna
I desperately want my ex back and regret breaking up with him almost a year ago. I had a bit of a mental breakdown and after we broke up I ended up dating a toxic co worker for a period of time before leaving the job. I don’t know what got into me but I just want my old life and my ex back. We were together about 8 months. I first started taking to him almost 2 years ago. After I initially broke up with him he tried to get me back in the form of excessive calling and texting and I completely ghosted him..twice and deleted him from all contact. I was not doing well mentally and had my mental “breakdown” as you could call it. Now that I’ve woken up I have told him that I want to be with him again and he said he needs to make sure this is what he wants yet regularly likes my posts and Facebook and we text every few days. Is he playing games? What do I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 14, 2020 at 10:03 pm
Hi Kira, I would suggest that you focus on being Ungettable and when you have conversations with your ex be sure that you are always following the texting information Chris has given in his articles, leave him wanting more, ending conversations at the peak
Elizabeth B
May 5, 2020 at 4:07 am
My ex and I were together for 5 years. We were best friends, partners, everything. He was getting ready to enlist so we were forced to decide if we were ready to get married. He told me that he wasn’t exactly ready, but that he would marry me if it meant not losing me. When he got his ship out date, I guess it all got too real for him and he broke up with me and decided not to enlist. He told me he still wanted me in his life, just not “romantically”. Anyway, a week or so after ending our long term relationship he started hanging out with this new girl. She is my polar opposite looks-wise, style-wise, and she even shares some interests with him that I do not. Also, she is (ironically) 5 years younger than us. The worst part is he made no attempt to move out while he was seeing her and would frequently lie about her or try to spare my feelings. I finally kicked him out of our apartment and initiated no contact. After ONE DAY of not speaking, he broke down and told me how depressed he was and he acknowledged that even though he liked this new girl, he lost everything he had with me and it made him feel awful. He said he has a lot of internal conflict to deal with right now. He just reached out to me again and told me he misses me a ton and that this has been so hard for him. I don’t think he wants me back romantically yet, but I have a gut feeling that he might one day. Also, he still tells me he loves me. Does anyone have any input? I feel like my entire world has been turned upside down and I’m just looking for any good signs at this point… thanks in advance!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 9, 2020 at 7:10 pm
Hi Elizabeth, so if you want to be in a relationship with this guy then it is important that you follow the being there method. AFTER you have completed a full 30 days No Contact. Where you work on your Holy Trinity and let your ex think that he may have lost you. If he gets into a relationship then your Nc needs to then be 45 days
Jacqueline
April 5, 2020 at 1:31 am
My Baby Daddy and I had a really rocky relationship.
I wasn’t feeling cherished and I was too blind to see that it was his depression and anxiety rendering him indifferent to me. Of course, I realized this way too late.
He says specifically he is done. That he has nothing left to give to the relationship.
However, I know he does. Because I know him. I understand that he runs away from challenges immediately.
Whenever he runs I am always there for him. I am his constant in the mess that he lives his life. I started the 30 days no contact today. He has to see that I am not just a toy to play cat and mouse with. I am a human being who deserves respect.
It is our daughter’s birthday tomorrow I will not be speaking to him at all. I am incredibly sad
Sarah
March 11, 2020 at 7:25 pm
So I was seeing a guy for 5 months who works 2-weeks on 2-weeks off. The whole time he told me he couldn’t have a relationship because he is dealing with a lot personally and couldn’t put me first (he wasn’t lying his entire situation is rough). However when we were together it felt very much like it was more than just casual, he even introduced me to his parents which he doesn’t often do. I got very insecure and obsessive over a title even though we were exclusive and started acting petty and turning him off. He started to treat me as an option and I think he wasn’t over his ex. We decided that with everything going on and his anxiety and depression on top of my overthinking and insecurity – friends is what’s best. Recently his friend reached out saying his entire friend group thinks I can do better and that I deserve better and that he told them he just doesn’t feel It and that he doesn’t see anything there. I can understand how he feels that way given where things went. I also found out this specific friend was with his ex when sending these messages and I believe that although there’s some truth there she’s also trying to get me out of the picture, as they ran into each other for the first time a few weeks ago. She is with a new guy and lives with him so I’m not sure what her intentions are. He’s told me that he thinks I’m amazing we’re just both not ready for what I was asking for and I agree. I’ve already done a lot of self work and am continuing to grow as a person – I’m also willing to put in time and want to be solid before I see him again. He’s away for work for a month and a half and is currently a week in which is ideal so I can work on me. When I do see him again I want him to see me as he did when we first met and not as this scared timid insecure girl – how can I reattract him and have him see me as valuable after months of damage?! Is it possible?!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 24, 2020 at 12:15 am
Hi Sarah, so to achieve that, you must focus on yourself again. I would like to say that if being with a person changes who you are for the worse then that is likely not a relationship that is going to work. It doesn’t mean that you do not care for this person but if you find that you were strong and now you feel weak. The relationship has not been good for you even though you think it was
Karina Sales-Godinez
February 24, 2020 at 2:23 pm
Hi there.
Well my ex broke up with me 4 weeks ago. Since he’s in the ARMY and we’re in a long distance relationship. We dated 1 year 4 months. He said that he wasn’t worth it and thought about cheating on me. He’s in South Korea right now and he told me that he was dancing with some girls in a club behind my back. He said that he’s not worth it and I deserve someone so much better than him. It’s been 4 weeks and he still has a picture of both of us in his WhatsApp profile. Right now I’m doing No Contact and about how many days should I do the No contact. I honestly miss him so much and I really want him back. I want him to realize his mistakes and make him miss me. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 27, 2020 at 10:38 pm
Hi Karina, Keep with your No Contact and focus on letting your ex decide if he want you or if he wants to be single. If he decides that he can not be faithful to you while apart then you focus on yourself for some time
Jackie Chapman
February 6, 2020 at 1:38 am
My ex was my first boyfriend, first everything. He was my best friend,
My partner. We talked about marriage,
We lived together too. Overall we were together for 5 1/2 years. Been broken up for 10 years but have maintained a friendship throughout. After the break up, it was the normal anger, wanting him back,
Being that desperate girl and one day I moved on.
We both have had serious relationships in between, he has a
Kid, I don’t. I’ve always felt someday him and I will make it back. However a couple years ago or so I expressed my feelings that I wanted to try again and at that time he said he just doesn’t know, that we have too much history.
I was upset of course, but accepted it and moved on. We have always had this connection that
I cannot explain and I want him back, I just don’t know how now… reason for the breakup is he cheated multiple
Times and I could never get over it in our relationship and it became
A mutual break up because I had
To find myself again. At that point he wanted to keep dating but I said no.
I’d love any feedback!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 7, 2020 at 9:21 pm
Hey Jackie so it sounds as if you have been friendzoned ( for a long time) so if you want to try and get him to find you attractive and want you in that way you are going to have to get meet ups and increase the romantic atmosphere each time you spend time together, while also dating casually with other guys where you do not get into anything serious but enough to show him you are desirable by other guys
Hannah
January 28, 2020 at 1:34 am
My ex and I dated for a little over 2 years and while we had our problems, we loved each other more than anything. He broke up with me last month because he felt he needed to be alone to work on himself. The next month following, we were sort of doing an on/off “friends with benefits” thing, but essentially acting like we were still together and that’s how it felt. After each time we “ended” things, which was like 3 times, I never really felt like it was over between us, and I had been right so far… A couple weeks ago, he told me he needed space, so I gave it to him and about 5 days later, he reached out, saying he missed me and wanted to be with me still. It was good, but we got into an argument last week. We spoke on the phone last night and he says he needs space and needs to be alone so him and myself can work on being happy on our own. He has expressed many times that he still loves me and wants to give me better and wishes we did not have to end things, but he feels it is important so that we can both work on ourselves. I understand where he is coming from, it just hurts. He says he doesn’t want to make any promises about our future, but I keep assuring him that we will be together again very soon, and he seems to appreciate that. I know he still feels the same about me as always, and so do I, and I know we both still want this relationship, so I really don’t feel like it is over and I think we will be together again within the next couple months. I am just wondering what is the best way for me to go about this, so that he comes back to me sooner rather than later? My 21st birthday is in April and I’d love to spend it with him as my bf again.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 4, 2020 at 9:33 pm
Hi Hannah, giving it some space and allowing you both to get over the up and down that you have been through and then start texting and re attracting him after 30 days No Contact
Megan
January 12, 2020 at 11:20 pm
Hi Chris and EBR team! I’ve recently been broken up with by a guy I was seeing for 2 months. We met on tinder and after the first date he cancelled all future dates with other girls as we instantly had a connection and he wanted to see where things were going with us. The time we were together was great, we couldn’t get enough of each other and talked all day every day finding any spare minute to see each other. He constantly told me how much he liked me and we started to talk about a future together, mortgage, kids etc.. last week I’d had some bad news and felt really overwhelmed which resulted in a few tears and him freaking out at me getting upset. The next day he broke up with me saying he needs to focus on himself right now as realised he cannot be there for me in the mental state he’s in. I know I shouldn’t of but tried arguing with him how he can make up his mind so quick and he’s put a wall up not wanting to discuss it and saying he wishes me the best. Since then I’ve been in NC but saw he’s started liking and commenting on lots of other girls SM posts. I want to believe as it was such a out of the blue decision he’ll be back but as we weren’t together that long is NC enough? Thanks
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 18, 2020 at 3:44 am
Hi Megan, I think this guy sounds like he cant deal with the negative but making plans fora mortgage and a family after just two months together is VERY fast paced. So its likely hes got caught up in the moment, so when you’ve really needed him hes realised he cant be that person for you. Following the program can give you, a good chance of getting him back but you are going to have to work up the value chain
Ange
January 10, 2020 at 3:21 pm
Hi Shaunna
Yes thankyou, I’m on day 29 no contact. As he wants to focus on his children and as he states he doesnt want a relationship at the moment should I go for 45 days no contact?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 13, 2020 at 11:47 pm
Hey Ange, so I would go for the 45 day NC to give yourself more time to work on you
Nix
January 9, 2020 at 9:03 am
My ex and I were in a very healthy and amazing relationship for 9 months. We were doing long distance but we saw each other quite often. I moved back to the city where he lives – our home town. Upon moving back he broke up with me. Apparently he needs to “be alone” and “mature and grow”. After the break up (end of November) we still spent a lot of time together and remained in contact. He’s been acting out of character – partying and drinking a lot. When he was feeling down about the weird rut he was in he said that I was the only person he wanted to see and confide in. One of his close friends who lives in another city came into town. They’ve been friends for 3 years. He always told me I had nothing to worry about regarding her. They started seeing each other when she got to town – this was probably two or so weeks after our break-up. It later came out that he cheated on me with her when she was in town in the beginning of November. So they spent her holiday in December together. I started no contact – and 5 days into no contact my ex showed up at my house saying that she was toxic and regretted the break up etc. He told he still loves me and is in love with me and thinks we’re meant to be together but he can’t forgive himself for what he did. He told me he was going to end things with his friend / new lover. The next day he confirmed that he ended things with her and he was happy with his decision and he was going to stay strong in the decision he made even though she was sending him messages pleading with them for them to be together. The next day he was seen at a party and she was there and they were all over each other. So they ended up getting back together, I’m assuming. I started no contact again I’m currently on day 10. His friend / new love interest went back to her home town and he has continued messaging me. I haven’t responded to any of his texts. He has now deleted the photos of me / us of his Instagram feed. I’m not sure if this is a rebound relationship because they’ve been friends for so many years and he essentially broke up with me for her. He said he’s always been infatuated by her and liked the idea of her but I don’t know if she’s lived up to his expectations. I’m not sure what to do except continue with no contact and continue focusing on myself (I’ve started a new amazing job and I’m in the gym and I’ve been spending time with my friends and family). I still have feelings for him and I miss him a lot. He said that he doesn’t expect anything from me and hopes we can be friends in the future. It’s been really difficult because he always spoke about our future together and we were planning on getting engaged in the next year or two and moving in together etc.
Rue
January 8, 2020 at 8:14 pm
My boyfriend and I had been together for almost five years, and we have bought an apartment together and have a dog together. For the most time our relationship has been really good and stable and really a safe place. We even talked about marriage and kids several times. The last fall we have had a long distance relationship because of his job situation. Somewhere along this time he stopped prioritizing our relationship and spent less time with me, but we sometimes saw each other in the weekends. I could feel that something was off, so I tried asking him multiple times if there was something wrong, but he didn´t really give me an answer and he just kept pretending everything was ok between us.
A few week before Christmas he stopped answering my calls and messages. He came home the next weekend and then we finally talked. He said he wasn´t sure if he had feelings for me anymore, but we agreed that was something we could work on. The next week he kept on ignoring me and then that weekend he broke it off with me. After that I have tried talking to him and asking if there is anything we can do to make his feelings come back, but he is just really stubborn and doesn´t want to work on anything. We didn´t argue during the breakup, there was only a lot of crying on both ends.
After the breakup I have tried to give him some space, but we have talked a little because we had things to sort out with the apartment and the dog. We have also talked some more about the breakup and if there is any chance to sort things out, but he only wants to be left alone. At the same time as he says he wants to be left alone he is sending a lot of mixed signals, he both holds me, kisses me and is really caring towards me. I am respecting his need for space, so I have just started no contact so both he and I can figure things out. Do you think there is any hope he will regain feelings again? And how long do you recommend doing the no contact? Is there anything else I can do? I really don´t feel like the relationship is over so I really need some good advice.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 14, 2020 at 6:13 pm
Hey Rue, so what could have happened is the fact that you have some space between you with him being long distance from work and seeing him less often he realises that the break in routine he is wondering how he feels about you and the future of things. Long distance is hard for people, even if you do see each other at the end of the week going from living together to being apart most of the time is difficult for many people. I would suggest that you stick with your NC and only speak to him if it is something important, such as the apartment or the dog is really unwell etc. Otherwise do not spend time with him, dont let him hold you or kiss you. Hes broken up with you. Let him feel the loss of you! If he is home for the weekend, then you go else where even if you have to crash on a girlfriends sofa just so that he can feel the actual impact of the break up.
Helen
January 6, 2020 at 10:50 pm
Hi Chris and team,
I am on day 67 of no contact with my ex. From your website, it sounds like that is crossing the 66 days to change a habit. I scored a 70% on the possibility of getting my ex back.
We have been on a serious relationship for 8-months where we discussed marriage and starting a family, meeting our families (but not my father yet), while we both had some personal insecurities to work on. Despite the current heartbreaking situation however, I have this intuition that he will contact me again. During the end of the relationship, he had mentally left the relationship as he blames my relationship with God as an issue of unreliability of me and why we were not “cohabitating” before marriage among other things. He was becoming more of an atheist the more he got to know me while we both shared the same values of universal humanism and justice for all. Although I believe I’ve got his back, I have communication issues especially under panic and stress; and English is my third language. I began feeling neglected and insecure in the relationship when he sometimes emotionally invalidated me and often not touching base even via text when things were going great in his mind. This created a shaky time and he began to question how I am reliable for him. He has told me that he has never hands down had anyone care about him more than me; he has had 4 divorces and one daughter from his first marriage; I have never been married and was celibate for a long time before starting a committed relationship with him; his family loved me and so did I, but his mental distance had forced me to not accept his benching and distance behavior that caused panic attacks and insomnia. He had constantly voiced how he was afraid he could not meet my needs. I believe he can, but his lack of optimism and being ‘too real’ caused him to create that reality for him.
I miss him terribly and still have this hunch that he will come back. I had blocked him on the phone before so that I can survive. After 60 days, I have unblocked him. However, there has been no contact from him. What can I possibly do to help us not be in this ‘purgatory’ while I can truly function and work on myself without thinking about him, improve and have him respect & trust me while we Both work on ourselves as a team for the long term again?
Thank you!!!!!!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 11, 2020 at 3:57 am
Hey Helen, so in this situation you are basing this on the fact that you expect him to work on himself with you, you can not make him do this. As you have only just unblocked him I dont see him reaching out to you any time soon, so it may be you who has to do the reaching out for some time to re build your connection. Remember after this amount of time he is not going to treat you the way he did before the break up. You need to go into this with the initial idea that this is going to be like talking to someone for the first time, and keeping your conversations emotionally controlled. If he wants to make things work then that is where you approach the “working as a team” to improve yourselves. Not before hand
Des
December 30, 2019 at 5:41 am
Hey I need some advice.
I met this amazing guy on Bumble in the summer. After about 2 months of dating I noticed he deleted his dating app profiles. I really liked him and saw a future with him. Things were going well. After seeing him for 3 months (October) the weeks after I saw him last, he started to get hot and cold with me. I tried to play it cool. I initiated plans with him 3 weeks later that he agreed on but then he canceled. Then finally I hadn’t seen him in over a month, he finally texted me that he couldn’t see me anymore because he needs to focus on himself and feels he can’t be in a relationship right now. That I am incredible but he wished we met with better timing was better. He even told me he deleted all the dating apps a few months ago because he can’t be with someone now. I honestly suspected that he found someone else that he committed to be in an official relationship with. Turns out my hunch was correct, but he doesn’t know that I know that….
I’m honestly devastated. I REALLY liked him and it is kind of a blow to my confidence to know I was not good enough for him and he chose someone else over me…
My question is based on what he told me when he broke it off with me, do you think he is keeping me on the back burner in case his new found relationship goes south? Or was he just saying those things because he didn’t want to look like a jerk and hurt me by saying he is in a relationship with someone else? What do you think?
To be honest, as bad as it sounds based on him choosing another girl over me, I would take him back in a heart beat because I truly felt we could have something special, even if he clearly couldn’t see it at the time…
1) why did he say what he said to me
2) what should I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 3, 2020 at 5:11 am
Hey Des, I think he told you what makes him look less of a “bad guy” he is going to assume you are not going to find out that he has met someone and just move on with your life. He does not want you to be upset that he has chosen someone else, and he does not want to have an awkward conversation about how he can not speak with you as he has met someone else. If you want to get this guy back, even though it was only dating you are going to have to spend a short amount of time in no contact to allow this new relationship he has to pass the honeymoon phase and start reading about the being there method.
Emma
December 29, 2019 at 3:26 pm
Hi I got married to my partner of 9 years back in May, we fell pregnant on the honeymoon then in August I found out he had been having an affair since 7 weeks after we got married. He left and went to live at his parents, all of them make no effort to ask how me and the baby are. He’s not gone off with the other women. I’m still really hurt and just want my husband to come home. He’s blamed everything on me despite the fact we never argue or have problems, this was all so out of the blue. He’s had some counselling but it doesn’t seem to of worked. I did beg and contact him a lot in the first couple of months. He says he’s done but makes no effort to actually sort things out (belongings, bills, etc) I feel he will come back at some point. I’m now trying the NC approach in hope that brings him back. Do you have any advice?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 29, 2019 at 11:26 pm
Hey Emma, so I suggest looking for a local couple therapist so that you have that as a condition to take him back. Do not beg him to come home he cheated he had the affair not you! It is not your doing, if he was not happy he should have spoken to you not had an affair!! For now make you and baby the priority and what is going to be the best life for you both without him around (even if it is only short term) Show him you do not need him, you are not going to let it ruin the rest of your pregnancy or end your social life, go spend time with friends and enjoy yourself, leave him wondering why you’re happy without him around
Ange
December 28, 2019 at 10:47 am
I was seeing a guy who has chased me for a over a year, we dated for 4 months. He has alot going on from from what I can gather he got scared and said eventually he didnt want a relationship.
Its frustrating as during the first two months post break up it was confusing, I saw him at work a couple of times a week and saw him drunk at 2 Christmas parties, drunk messages from my side ensued after talking to him there, including a I fell in live with you text, wish you well and asking to still be friends
The 4 months were amazing, I met his children and parents!! He admits this independently saying it was the best sex of his life but he doesnt want a relationship, kids are his priority at the moment (of course and the divorce is going through-his wife cheated on him).
The last messages and meetings were angry and rude from his side and now its christmas etc…I have gone NC for just over 2 weeks….so far. I will stick to it this time!
Last week he asked a mutual friend if he had heard from me that he wanted to apologise properly in new year as ended badly and he didnt handle it well but he has moved on. The friend asked if he was back dating, he said that he didnt want to date anyone and wasnt back on dating apps as the sex with me was so amazing.
This man is very stubborn. Which is why NC is my only option at the moment. I do feel in my gut he could come back but who knows when!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 2, 2020 at 11:39 pm
Hey Ange, so you do need to stick to the No Contact this time, because each time you break it, it loses its effectiveness too! As your ex told you he wants to focus on his kids right now if they are struggling with the fact their parents are going through a divorce you have to respect this and stay out of the way to make sure that there is stability for them. It is tough knowing that you are going to always take a second place to his children, so take that into consideration when you are in No Contact if you can deal with that.
Jenni
December 27, 2019 at 12:04 pm
Hello,
I broke up with my ex after 5 years 4 months ago. He bought me out of our house 2 months ago. We had lived together for over 3 years and were engaged.
I bombarded him after the break up and realised what I had lost. I accused him of being with people and really wasn’t very nice. He told me he has print screened those messages as a reminder of why we should not get back together ever. He said if I would have left him alone he would have come back.
He has been very angry since the break up. One moment he will say I broke his heart. The next moment he is fine. Then it doesn’t affect him. Then he removed me from social media the next week and when I said I wanted him baxk, he said my actions would prove what I wanted. That night he then rang me and said never again. 3 weeks before he rang me to say that he was an idiot after a conversation a few days before, which made him think we had made a mistake.
I am desperate for him back, but not sure if I have now pushed him too far.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 3, 2020 at 1:01 am
Hey Jenni, have you spent any time doing No Contact? I understand it is difficult to understand the need for this but you are going to have to give your ex some space and then when you have reach out as a friend and try to reattract your ex, rebuilding your connection.