It’s funny…
I am currently in the process of writing a massive guide about going on dates with an ex boyfriend when I stumbled across this question from a woman who wants to remain anonymous.
Now, there were a few things that drew me to her question.
Thing #1: I am trying to make a conscious effort to delve deeper into face to face interactions with ex boyfriends since I think that’s a major weakness of this website
Thing #2: My wife and I both agree she has an AWESOME voice!
Thing #3: She asked a question that I thought was really interesting.
What’s the question?
“Should I ask him to hang out with me?”
Perhaps I should give you some background.
Anonymous and her boyfriend have been broken up for a few months and she has done a phenomenal job of sticking to my advice. Specifically the no contact rule.
Here’s the thing though.
Her ex boyfriend is currently in possession of a record that she wants back and her ex actually called her to set up a day where they can meet up and he can give it back. Thus, she is wondering how to turn a meet up that’s supposed to be about a record into a date where they can hang out.
That’s just one of the many questions I answer in this podcast episode but first lets do a quick run down of anonymous’ situation,
Her Situation
- She dated her ex for 2 years
- The breakup is classified as “mutual”
- She did the no contact rule and feels it was a success
- She has a record that she wants back
- They set up a date to exchange the record
- She wonders if she should ask him to hang out
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
- My New Book: The No Contact Rule Book
- Leaving A Review On iTunes: The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizPodcast Transcript
Emcee:
Welcome to the ex boyfriend recovery podcast where we help you get your ex back and have the fairy tale ending you deserve. And now, you’re host, he’s been dubbed as The Ex Whisperer, Chris Seiter.
Chris:
Hello and welcome to another episode of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast. I kind of took a break last week, mostly focused on Youtube and creating videos because I really–I guess it’s fun to be on camera. And there’s a lot of more interesting things going on but the podcast is still near and dear to my heart. So, here I am again for another week and another episode of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast.
As far as what’s going on with the website, not much new things going on. I am actually in the process of rewriting my most popular book- Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro and this thing is going to be a behemoth. It’s going to be a monster. I really took a lot of the people who complained about what the book didn’t have or what the book lacked in the past. I jotted those notes down and basically everything that anyone ever complained about is going to be going in the book.
Now, you may be asking yourself, “Well, how can this book be specific to my situation?” Because without a doubt, that was the number 1 complaint. You know like, “The book created this nice little template for me to work in but it doesn’t speak directly to my situation.” I’m glad you asked that. That was actually the remedy in this new book coming up. I don’t know when it’s going to be completed because I want to do a really good job for you but basically what’s going to happens is I have compiled a huge list of all the situations I’ve ever encountered through ex boyfriend recovery.
And I am structuring the book in a certain way where it creates a game plan for you to follow and then based on your situation, it’s going to teach you how to alter that game plan to fit your needs perfectly– long distance relationships for example. So, yeah, I’m super pump about it, you know we just finished writing a new book– The No Contact Rule Book. If you haven’t seen that, check it out, I’ll link to it in the show notes. Let me kind of make a –jot it down here. So, I don’t forget but yeah, we’re really excited to add more products to fray and I have to say, thank you guys for being so accepting of the newest additions to the ex boyfriend recovery team.
We’re trying to create this family atmosphere where we help everyone, where we get and respond to everyone but enough about that. Let’s just get right down to it. Today’s question comes from someone who wanted to remain anonymous but she has a real interesting question that I don’t think I’ve ever covered on the podcast before. Well, of course until today. So, let’s hear from—let’s just call her anonymous.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAnonymous:
Hey Chris,
It’s awesome that you do this. Thank you so much. I’ve referred to your website a lot. So, anyways– two year relationship, ended basically in the “Girl’s-a-crazy-this-guy’s-a dumb” paradox thing. Pretty mutual breakup. Pretty cut and dry. Not to Sloppy. No contact was a success for 30 days. Light texting after no contact, although he is very reserved but responding and when our last conversation went right, I asked if he has still had my old records that I lent him and he does and he agreed to meet up and give it back but yeah. So, this is kind of where I’m stuck. We’re going to be meeting up this meeting up this next week. I kind of feel like I’m setting a trap. He probably thinks I just want my thing back. So, I can leave forever but I mean, what do I do? Do I ask if we hang out for a little bit or you know, I’m definitely going to be very chill and nice and positive when I see him, not bring up any heavy memories. I get that but yeah—I need some advice.[laughs]
So, if you can get back to me, I’d really appreciate it. Thank you, so, so much for even having this advice page. You’re awesome! I look forward to hearing from you and yeah right on! Have a great day! Thank you!
Chris:
You know, I have a bit of a funny story to tell. When I am choosing questions to feature on the podcast, often times my wife whose desk is sitting right next to mind, listens to me listen to all voice mails and you’re particular question, when I was playing it, listening to it, I was interested in it.
You know I was taking notes and my wife she was sitting right next to me and she stopped everything she was doing and she was listening as well which is kind of rare for her and then after you were done talking, she literally turns to me and goes, “I really like her voice. Her voice is awesome!”
So, that’s when I knew for sure that I definitely had to feature your question on the podcast but anyways, you have done a pretty good job at advancing to the point you’re at currently. Have you done a perfect job? I don’t think so. I’m not trying to say anything mean to you or put you down or anything like that but if I were to pick on something that maybe you didn’t do as well and you weren’t as descriptive as maybe you could have been but if there is one thing that I can kind of pick at that maybe you could have done a little bit better not relating to a date. It’s kind of the lead up to the date. I teach a very specific method when it comes to getting an ex boyfriend back.
I’m of the mind of the value chain where you have to start off slow and kind of slowly build up the attraction into a point where it boils over and he just can’t not be in a relationship with you. To me it looks like, you’re maybe rushing a little too fast but I’m not saying you shouldn’t go get your record or anything like that. I’m going to give you certainly tips on what to do during the date but I would say, after the date, focus on building more attraction before you see him again in person.
I’m actually writing a really good article coming up about this very kind of question that you asked, which is another reason why I picked your question because I’m literally writing an article about it and when you were asking about how to handle the date or what you do during a date, I just thought it was a perfect match for what I was already currently working on.
So, what could you do differently in leading up to the date? Let’s cover that first. You did the no contact rule which is phenomenal but where I think you fell down a little bit was the attraction building through texting and then after texting you have to transition to phone calls. You have to sort of build attraction in each of the mediums. Build attraction with your ex through text messages and then of course build attraction through your ex through phone calls and eventually, once enough attraction has been build, the date should be easiest. Just sort of, kind of, if you imagine a graph, it’s sort of like the graph is constantly going up if the graph were to represent attraction of course.
But it seems to me like you’ve already advanced to where you’ve locked down a date with your ex boyfriend. So, congratulations for that and I’m going to do everything in my power right now to help you on the date. So, when it comes to dating your ex, if I were to pick out one of the weakest parts about ex boyfriend recovery, it’s the fact that we feature a ton of advice on the first parts of my overall strategy for getting an ex back, for parts like the no contact rule, parts like text messaging, parts like talking on the phone but we don’t really talk about dating a lot and what to do during the date. I certainly have written long in depth articles about it. Of course I write about it in my products and everything like that but for whatever reason, I’ve just never covered that as much. I think that’s partly due to my laziness but it’s also partly due to no one really wants to hear about it because where people mostly struggle is in the first parts of the strategy with the no contact rule.
I mean, I think something like 70-80% of people fail at the no contact rule. So, I think a lot of my effort or focus is on helping those people at the beginning of the strategy but that doesn’t mean we should leave out the people who are the end of the strategy– dating. So, when it comes to dating, there’s a lot of different aspects. As far as what to say, I think this podcast episode is too short to tell you exactly what to say on a date. I will give you a few pointers a little bit later but let’s talk about what kind of a template to work in because I always think people look better when they have an overall strategy.
So, when it comes to dating you shouldn’t operate under the assumption that it’s going to take one date to get your ex-boyfriend to agree to be back in a relationship with you. Never operate under that assumption. Why? Because often times, this process takes longer. Imagine that you were about to go on a blind date with someone you’ve never met before and then on the blind date, that person asks you to marry him. Would you say yes? You’ve never met this person before. This is the first time you’re ever meeting him and he’s already asking you to marry him. Seriously? Of course you wouldn’t say yes. Of course you would say no. And that’s kind of how I look at it when women try to rush this process. This process cannot be rushed.
You cannot be asking your ex-boyfriend to marry you right off the bat. Just like you can’t asked him to be in a relationship with you right off the bat. This process will take time which is why I like to teach what I like to call the three date method. Now, if you listen to my strategies or read anything on my website, you know that I’m a big fan of slowly building up attraction and the same applies with dating. When you see your ex-boyfriend in person. You should go on three dates. The first date should be real light, not threatening, but interesting enough to hold his attention to make him think about you. The second date should take things up a notch and on the third date of course should take things up a notch and then ideally by that third date enough attraction has been built through both where he’s re-evaluating whether or not he wants you to be his girlfriend and he’ll ask you.
Now, what happens if you go on each of these three dates? You know you go on what I like to call kind of a small date, the medium date and then large date or the romantic date and he still hasn’t asked you to be his girlfriend again. Well, then I then I think you keep repeating the process. Not over from the beginning but repeat the process with the last romantic date. Repeat it to where it’s every single date you go on from this point on after that third date is romantic and puts him in the mindset of wanting to ask you to be his girlfriend again but we’re getting way ahead. Right now, for your particular situation, you are at the small date portion.
So, one of your big questions was should you ask him to hang out because you say he’s operating under the assumption that he’s just going to give you your record back and then that’s going to be it. Well, you shouldn’t ask him to hang out. You should just do it. I’m about to give you my surefire method way that it can work. Meet him at a coffee shop okay? Starbucks is perfect. Meet him during at the middle of the day, at a coffee shop, Starbucks alright? Exchange things not in the parking lot but in Starbucks.
So, here’s how you can get him to come into Starbucks and sit down next to you. You arrive an hour—maybe an hour is too much. Maybe 30 minutes early. It just depends on—I know some men out there get really keyed up and they show up a lot earlier. I was that way. Where I would have a date set up and I would show up maybe 30 minutes early because I was just nervous about it but my point here is you’re trying to go on small date and the goal of this date is to interest him and make him want another date with you. And the best way to do that right now is to go on a small date at Starbuck’s. We’re using Starbucks as an example because I’ve been to Starbucks and I’d know exactly how this can work. So, once you get there early, go inside of Starbucks and then order a coffee or whatever the heck you want to order there, Frappucino, whatever. Then sit down because they often have comfortable couches or chairs. Sit down at a Starbucks where there’s an open chair near you and then when he shows up, he will come inside Starbucks and then he will see you and then he’ll V-Line towards you and then you’re both sitting, he’ll give you your stuff and rather than asking, “Hey, let’s hang out after this.” You’ve already put him in this position where he’s going to hang out with you.
So, now that you have him in Starbucks, this is your time to shine. What do you say? Well, you just have to interest him, you’re right about being chill and not bringing up really bad memories or super emotional stuff. What I think you should do is talk about interesting stuff. Things that make him laugh. I always like to say get down to a soul. Sort of, talk about really interesting things that affects him on an emotional level. I’m trying to think. My wife and I last night, we had an interesting discussion about the bachelor of all things and how the bachelor almost glorifies cheating and how it’s socially acceptable for the bachelor or even the bachelorette to cheat and how it’s such a way of process.
Now, should you talk about that? No. Especially if there was cheating involved, you should definitely not talk about that but talk about something that’s going to interest them. A tv show is an example there that I just used but maybe he has a movie, maybe—I know Game of Thrones is coming out soon which is we’re super pumped for. Maybe he’s a huge Game of Thrones fan. Maybe you talk about that. Talk about things that you know for a fact will keep him engaged and interested. Now, here’s the important part. Who should end the date? You should. You should always end the date prematurely.
I’ve talked about this a lot throughout ex-boyfriend recovery and it’s sort of ending the conversation at the high point. Well, the same principle applies to dating. You want to end the date at the high point of the date. The point where he is enjoying the conversation so much that he doesn’t want to leave. That’s when you should leave. Because when you have him on that hook, when you have him hooked and you leave, you are putting yourself in a position where he’s going to want to see you again. And everything after that will be so much easier. You’ll find he’ll text you more, he’ll think about you more, he’ll say nice things to you, he’ll say maybe I miss you and then you can go about setting up that second date; the medium date which I’m actually not going to talk about because I want to talk a little bit about what you should wear.
Now, I am not, definitely not an aficionado when it comes to fashion. I think if– I would always let my wife dress me because that’s how bad I am at dressing up. If it was up to me, I would probably go everywhere in tennis clothes because they’re so comfortable but obviously, I can’t do that. But anyways, here’s some interesting things that I’ve learned and also that my wife can help you out because now my wife is working full time with the ex-recovery team and she’s specifically really good at things like make up and dressing things up. You know women, they just—I’m a guy. I can’t really give you much insight into that. So, I went out and got someone who knows a lot about it, enough to get me to marry her, my wife.
My wife the other day, she sent me this really interesting email and specifically, she’s in charge of Youtube and she wanted to do a Youtube video on make up and dressing up clothes and everything like that. She sent me this really interesting email about what the clothing says about you and what the color of the clothing says about you. I’m sure you’ve seen this when it comes to like sales and advertising and how like yellow—you know like McDonald’s has red-yellow or something because it catches your eye and it makes you want to go in but when it comes to relationships, it’s really interesting in what the colors mean. So, according to this, there are three types of colors that you want to wear on your first date.
The first color is probably the most recommended color and that’s red. Now, red represents passion. So, if you want him to look at you in a passionate way or you want him to be super into you, red is definitely what you want to wear. The second one is perfect if there was cheating involved, specifically if you cheating and, that’s Blue. Baby blue in particular—I know from my sales experience that Baby Blue is the most trusted color but Blue in general shows that you’re trustworthy and that you’re secure essentially. So, if you cheated or there was cheating involved, blue is definitely the color that you want to wear. And then finally, if you feel like you want to look slimmer or you feel that like Red looks terrible on you, –these are my wife’s words, I’m just summarizing from the email here I have pulled up in front of me. Yeah, some relationship expert this guy is! ☺ But if you think like Red isn’t like good on you or maybe you think you look a little fat in Red or maybe you want to slimmer, Black is the way to go. Wear something Black because it exudes powerfulness—powerfulness, that’s horrible. It says that you’re powerful and sleek at the same time. Now, those are the three top recommended choices for what I think you should wear on the first date.
As, for other things, Yellow equals optimism. Orange equals friendliness and confidence. Purple equals creativity. Green is peaceful and healthy—really interesting there. And then Gray and Silver equals balance and calm. So, however you want to appear on the first date here. I don’t know—I’m not even trying to call this a date. It’s sort of like a small date. You know the Starbucks thing I was talking about. Pick which one you really want to appear. My personal choice, I’d say Red—passion. Because you want him to look at you in that passionate way again but if you want to maybe be more creative, wear Purple. If you want to show optimism—wear Yellow. So, as far as what to wear, those are my recommendations. As far as what to say, like I said, get down to a soul. Talk about something that you know will interest him and then end the date prematurely on purpose. You always should be the one to end the date prematurely.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSo, those are my top tips for what to do on a first date-small date. Remember, do not ask him to hang out. Just put him in a position where he’s forced to hang out with you, as simple as that. Don’t ask permission. Just put yourself in the position where he’s forced to hang out with you. Trust me that will work.
I think that’s going to do it for today’s episode. If you haven’t already visited ex boyfriend recovery, please do so, exboyfriendrecovery.com . I want to ask you to please subscribe to this podcast if you like what you hear. Every single week I post a new podcast episode. So, I’m committed to it. You will always get really good and insightful information from my podcast specifically about ex’s or just relationships in general and also please if you haven’t, write a review. Even if it’s a bad one. I encourage you to write a review on Itunes for my podcast and that it’s going to do it for this week’s podcast of the exboyfriend recovery podcast episode. Man, I just totally messed that up. And that’s where I’m ending it today.
Emcee:
Thanks for listening to the ex-boyfriend recovery podcast at exboyfriendrecovery.com
Brianna
July 4, 2017 at 3:25 am
What should I do after the first date? I did no contact for 30 days. He didn’t contact me either. And we met up for dinner at a casual spot. Reallt hit it off I can tell there’s still something there. He kissed me for the longest time. And I can’t find what to do next do you have a guide? Or advice!
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 5, 2017 at 4:38 pm
Hi Brianna,
Check this one:The Rules For Going On A Date With Your Ex Boyfriend
Amanda
December 8, 2016 at 8:07 pm
First of All I really need to say THANK YOU to exboyfriend recovery. After 3 months of NCR AND a rebound girlfriend in-between our relationship I successfully secured a VERY good first date with my ex. SO THANK YOU THANK YOU I cannot say it enough!!!
I followed all the steps to get me my first date with my ex. In fact he was ACTUALLY the one who initiated the meeting, and was trying to for a couple weeks before I finally agreed. (He had asked me to meet up with him a couple of times before hand but none of the options were planned out ahead of time and would’ve involved loud crazy bars.) So I finally accepted three weeks after his first suggestion that we meet up. I put it on my terms saying that I was in the middle of medical school dead week and only had availability on this day from these hours. We met up for drinks last tuesday 11/29 and it quickly turned into dinner. I followed all the tips about not mentioning what happened in the past and kept the conversation very light and happy. He said that he made a huge mistake and took me for granted that he thinks I am an amazing woman etc etc. that he really enjoys my company and I make him happy being around him. The night ended with him driving me back to my apartment and a very romantic kiss in the car. I made sure to leave at the height of impulse! The next day he texted me saying that he was really happy we had gotten together and offered that if I ever needed a study break we should go on a hike or get another glass of wine. In addition he mentioned that a band we both really liked was playing in January and that we should go together in the new year. I waited a couple hours to text back and said sure that would be fun in a noncommittal way. He never nailed down any dates. The next day after that he said he was in my area and asked to get lunch, I turned it down because I actually was very busy studying for my exams. Then the weekend came about (last weekend (12/ 2) and he asked me how studying was going and how my weekend was I kept the conversation very short over text and we’ve been snap chatting every day. He is aware of when my final exams are over (next week) and my only worry is that I am scared he will not initiate and nail down another date and time to meet up. I guess I am maybe being paranoid but he is a very social guy as am I and we both have crazy calendars this winter break.
Is there anything I can do to lock down a second date, maybe I am just being paranoid that I am playing it too cool because off all the months of preparation that have gone into this since our break up in May? I know he definitely is still very interested in me, but I am worried if we are texting/snap chatting too much he will loose interest? To be fair I am keeping the conversations very short! I am being very nice, but just slightly unavailable, He knows that I am busy too. I am definitely playing coy and mysterious but I would like actually like to go on a hike or something because that is a perfect activity that involves a lot of talking.
After my first date I thought I had it in the bag as he was suggesting all these things hikes, concerts, lunch, but I guess I am worried that he will lose interest in me if I am too unavailable? To be fair it only has been a week since our first date and I am very busy and have turned him down. Is making him wait another week too much? Or should I invite him to go on a hike?
Help!
-Paranoid & Stuck in my own head
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 12, 2016 at 4:01 pm
HI Amanda,
Congratulations! Well, the first step is to enjoy what you are right now. Go back to slowly building rapport. Don’t rush things. Text, call, and do your own thing. Don’t be too available.
Danielle
November 2, 2016 at 6:14 pm
Hi Amor,
I followed the NCR and my ex finally has been reaching out to me.
My question is how do I initiate getting coffee or getting drinks with him. He lives about 60 miles away from me and I am in law school right now. I am so happy that he is interested in me again but I worry that I am being too distant now.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 3, 2016 at 5:44 pm
that means you need to keep building rapport through texts and calls while you can’t meet yet..
Julie
October 22, 2016 at 10:51 pm
Hello,
Last weekend, at my best friends wedding which we were both in, my ex-boyfriend told me how beautiful I was. This is 3 months after our breakup. Then he asked my mom and sister to slow dance before he asked me to dance. We didn’t talk much in between and he told me we’d go out to eat the following weekend to talk about getting back together. Unfortunately we hooked up that night. He didn’t remember everything the next morning, but agreed that everything felt right between us but we’d go out as friends and talk about everything. We go out for ice-cream and have such a great time. At the end he tells me that he loves that we can hangout as friends and things won’t be awkward. We only talked a little bit about how everything feels right but he’s afraid to get back together because he doesn’t want to miss out on anything with his friends or settle down. This is after his brother talked to him about how he shouldn’t settle down yet. Before his brother said that, he was always talking about the future and such. Help. How should I go about contact after this small “date”.
Julie
October 26, 2016 at 1:03 pm
I’m sorry. If he sees me have my own what?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 28, 2016 at 1:51 pm
Oh sorry!!! I meant own life..
Julie
October 24, 2016 at 5:45 pm
Hello,
I even told him getting back together does not mean we are getting married or anything. When we were dating he had the opportunity to hangout with friends, but he chose not to. A lot of his friends are away at college and he went straight to the trades. I don’t believe I was clingy. We talked normal amount after we both got off of work and didn’t hangout everyday.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 26, 2016 at 10:18 am
that means he just really want no commitments..he’s being unreasonable,…more probably because he cant say the real reason like dating..
I think you’re best shot is if he sees you have your own, probably more eventful than he has, in that way he wont think you’re going to demand time..
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 24, 2016 at 5:35 pm
Hi julie,
why is thinking like that? Are you like going to get married right after you get back together? Why does he think he wont have time with his friends if he gets back with you? Were you clingy before?
What next?
October 19, 2016 at 5:32 pm
Hi Amor,
My boyfriend and I broke up around the beginning of September and I successfully completed the no-contact period. I have been successful as well in starting communication again with him via text message, receiving generally positive or neutral responses. We met up for the first time yesterday and caught up with each other and kept the conversation fairly simple (we are both students so it was fairly superficial, mostly about school, friends…) I should also mention we were together for 5 years and what I got from the break-up was the reason he broke up with me was because he doesn’t feel that we want the same things. Anyway, the meet up went fine and I attempted to arrange another meet-up time, but he brushed it off since he is very busy. How should I approach the situation next? How do I go about texting again? How do I go about arranging another meet-up?
Thanks.
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 21, 2016 at 2:55 pm
Hi,
build rapport again first through texting.. be more natural in texting, have natural conversations
Jessa
September 17, 2016 at 8:14 am
Hi Amor,
So my ex and I broke up a few months ago. Did no contact and after that had light conversation. Then things just died down. We recently got back in contact after both of our birthdays and while I was at a music festival I sent him a fun picture of me all dressed up. He then replied sending me a picture of him copying my outfit which was so cute. He’s been very responsive but we’ve had breaks in between chats, so we’d talk for like 4 days then nothing for a few days then start talking again. How long should i keep it flowing until I ask to meet up?
Thanks so much,
Jess
Jessa
September 17, 2016 at 2:38 pm
Hi Amor,
Thanks for replying. Even when we were together he wasn’t much of a caller which was fine because we’d text everyday. I think when we first got back in contact is was too soon. But now I feel like it’s going much better, I mean he took the effort to copy my whole outfit and send it to me to make me laugh. How long to we keep talking until I ask to meet up?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 17, 2016 at 2:27 pm
Hi Jessa,
you started talking a few months ago too? You should have transitioned to calls, and then to meet ups by now..
Jessa
September 14, 2016 at 8:26 pm
Hi Amor,
So my ex and I broke up a few months ago. Did no contact and after that had light conversation. Then things just died down. We recently got back in contact after both of our birthdays and while I was at a music festival I sent him a fun picture of me all dressed up. He then replied sending me a picture of him copying my outfit which was so cute. He’s been very responsive but we’ve had breaks in between chats, so we’d talk for like 4 days then nothing for a few days then start talking again. How long should i keep it flowing until I ask to meet up?
Thanks so much,
Jess
Jessa
September 17, 2016 at 9:42 pm
Hi Amor,
Thanks for replying. Even when we were together he wasn’t much of a caller which was fine because we’d text everyday. I think when we first got back in contact is was too soon. But now I feel like it’s going much better, I mean he took the effort to copy my whole outfit and send it to me to make me laugh. How long to we keep talking until I ask to meet up?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 19, 2016 at 1:59 pm
sometimes after a two weeks, it’s ok to ask for a meet up but there’s no hard rule. Use your gut feel and observation, if everything is going well, you’ll know when it’s ok to meet up
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 17, 2016 at 2:27 pm
Hi Jessa,
you started talking a few months ago too? You should have transitioned to calls, and then to meet ups by now..
So Confused
May 26, 2016 at 7:04 pm
Also, I read Chris’ article suggesting a group outing for the second date. I think that’s a great idea because then we can build attraction without me always having to be near my ex, but it’ll be way too difficult to get a group in my situation, so any advice for a second date would be helpful!
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 29, 2016 at 12:23 pm
Hi So COnfused,
hmm.. it depends on the rapport and also on the budget. If you’re going out on a group date and you’re going in a theme park, it’s better if you go out two weeks or three weeks after the first date. If you he’s positive and he can go out a week after the first then better
So Confused
May 26, 2016 at 4:49 am
How long should I wait before asking for a second date? And is it okay for me to ask/initiate the second date? Also, what would be a good activity? I was thinking going for a coffee maybe or trying a new café, since tonight we went for a walk.
Our first “date” was tonight. It was short, between half an hour and an hour long. It was our first set outing alone since the breakup a year ago. (We’d been out with a friend once, and that went pretty well.) The first date went okay. I could engage my ex in conversation, but he didn’t seem as interested as he did on some occasions when we have run into each other and talked. This may have been because we both had a long day and were tired, or because my ex felt a little awkward, I’m not sure.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 29, 2016 at 12:23 pm
Hi So COnfused,
hmm.. it depends on the rapport and also on the budget. If you’re going out on a group date and you’re going in a theme park, it’s better if you go out two weeks or three weeks after the first date. If you he’s positive and he can go out a week after the first then better
Athena
May 1, 2016 at 11:23 am
Hy Chris and team,
I have already got ur advise for getting my ex back. Me and my boyfriend both were in a relationship in our college days for nearly 2 years. He was so afraid of losing me because we both are from different religions and actually he and his family lives in Saudi since his age 4. He just did the college with me in India (Both of us native). He went back to saudi after our course got completed, this happened on may of last year. When ever we had good moments he was also filled with fear of losing me. Then when the course ended he just wanted to end everything so that he can end b4 other reasons end our relationship. I was in very bad depression at those times. Then i came across ur website and got ur help. Now in this 1 year I followed ur no contact rule and made the attractions too. Now i can understand he still has the feelings for me, and we now chat daily. Even at sometimes i have found him imagining about me closer to him. I feel positive now. Bt still when i become more closer to him he has d fear of our future. He has very good knowledge and intelligent boy but now fully depressed, may b bcz of job, he is jobless. I really want him back. No other man in this world will understand me better than him. And i too can understand his emotions he thinks that i shud b happy. shud not b sad and that too bcz of him. After all i did these months, once he even said like if he spends more time with me here after, he will not b able to feel d separation. And he also fears that some day my parents will marry me for some other guy, and he wants to disappear from me b4 that. But he is not taking actions for overcoming such negative thoughts he has in himself about him. I think this will be alright when he starts to earn for himself and when he gets d respect from his parents for his decisions. NOW The Main thing is he is coming back for his reappear exams this month. And am in some other part of India, i know he will feel like meeting me as i too do. Bt if i ask him to come and meet me, he will again think as am begging fr him. So how can i make him come and meet me? How can i proceed with that?
Athena
May 1, 2016 at 5:22 pm
Thank you for your reply Amor. Do you think he will consider this and come to meet me? Bcs after this i dont know when he will come to India. For sure atleast it will take 1 more year 🙁 . I already miss him badly. And i know he afraid that he may agree that he still has the feelings towards me when he meets me face to face. So this is a positive for me. If he takes this 1 step towards me, i guess he can surely make the other steps in right way.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 3, 2016 at 8:18 am
well, that’s why the invite has to be open ended.. like it’s just an option, that you’re not pressuring him to meet you, so that he won’t feel pressured.. let’s hope he does.. just take it slow.. because if you rush it, you will feel frustrated
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 1, 2016 at 3:24 pm
make it a casual invite.. like, if I have spare time on the days you’re here I’ll let you know so we can catch up!
Rose
April 19, 2016 at 5:11 pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months and he just broke up with me a few weeks ago. It came out of nowhere… we both just sat down and had talked about how happy we both were with our relationship. We travel well together, are both creative and have the same sense of adventure as well as wanting the same goals out of life (more travel and eventually a family). In fact we just discussed the idea of adoption someday and he said how great it would be to have a family with me. We had a fight in December and took two weeks off from our relationship then, but ultimately after meeting after that decided we wanted to be together and make our relationship even better. He has been dealing with a lot at home, searching for employment being the biggest issue which has led to moving home and having money loaned by family. He has become depressed over the time due to the financial strain and family issues. We have never really had any arguments and spent a lot of time together. We decided to meet up a week after he sent a text saying he needed to take a step back and his feelings for me didn’t change. I thought he would be asking for me back, but he didn’t. He said he was falling in love with me but wasn’t willing to work on our relationship at this point. So I left after he said that and didn’t speak to him aside from asking for some things I left with him. He asked if we could be friends and in the shock of the moment I said yes. I have been attempting the no contact rule, but I reached out to him a week later. Then realized I needed to go back to no contact. He sent me a text yesterday and we talked throughout the day and I realized I have broken the no contact rule again. I have decided not to initiate anything with him, but I am concerned about him as he told me he isn’t sleeping. Did I mess up? It’s so hard not to respond when he is reaching out.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 21, 2016 at 12:52 pm
Rose,
talk first and settle everything.. if it doesn’t work out..let him be because you’ve already laid everything on the table and he doesn’t want it.. so you have to be fair to yourself too
Mini
April 17, 2016 at 1:29 pm
Hi , my boyfriend broke up with me nearly 2 months ago. He said is feeling changed , he started to feel not good enough, and trapped . I was dating him for almost 5 years, we lived togheter last 2 and half years. . I have got a child from my previous relationship and my ex loves her very much, to be honest at some point it felt like he would break up earlier with me if not her. Anyway during the break up I told him that we love him and I wish we could try again , also I gave him reassurance that I can wait for him ( I wasn’t thinking and I really want him to stay) . After he moved out I didn’t contact him , but he did contact my daughter and he wanted to see her . I wasn’t sure is it a good idea so I kind of played on time , week ago he said he would like to collect his chair , as he moved to new place ( first time in his life he is living by himself now ) . When he came I was polite but I didn’t start any conversation about us , when he was leaving he hugged me and kissed me . Day after he called and said he is nearby and maybe he can come and visit me and my daughter ( as she wasn’t in when he was taking rest of his things , I didn’t want her to be more upset) . I said we had have plans , so he asked can he come in the week as he is going abroad to his father for 2 weeks and he wants to see us before he will leave, I agreed and 3 days ago he came , he played with my girl and brought her gift , he smiled and hugged me and said he misses us and home , I asked how much and he did very much . Whwn he was leaving I could not be emotional even I tried a lot , and at the doorstep I asked him does he love me , he said I love you, so I asked why he will not come back , he answered that he feel like he needs to try to live alone and see how it is . Now he is abroad and I really have my hopes high after he said he loves me , but I do t know what should I do ? I will not contact him first now but I know he will want to visit us when he is back , also he said could I send him text if my D wants any gift from his holidays . should I start texting him as he said he loves me or start NC ?
Mini
April 18, 2016 at 5:57 pm
Thank you for your reply , I will start NC as you suggested . Hope I will not fail 😉 how long NC would you recommend ? What if he will want to see me after he is back ? Should I ignore him? Realistically do you think I have got good chance to get him back? He knows I want him back and he knows That my life looks pretty the same – work , home, doing stuff with my D:( I know sooo many questions here 🙂 and thousands more in my head , thank you very much for your help X
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 18, 2016 at 7:38 pm
I think you should do 30 and not meet him when he gets hime because he knows how you feel..you have to establish that you can stand on your own now
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 18, 2016 at 12:37 pm
Hi Mini,
start nc, give him space because that’s what he wants..
Bella
April 9, 2016 at 6:51 pm
Hey! Hope you’re good, was wondering if I could get some advice? 🙂
My bf of 5 years broke up with me in August, he strung me along till November when I said I’m no longer making an effort and we had three months no contact. He messaged me out of the blue (just as I was getting over him) and we hung out a few times, all seemed to be going well. He told me he broke up with me cause I was angry alot for the last 4 months of our relationship (my sister was dying I was stressed). Since my sister has died and I’ve gotten though it.
The problem is that I went away for a week with my friends, I texted him when I got back and he replied two days later and was unusual, it was odd so I sent him a ‘are we on speaking terms?’ message and he hasn’t replied for a few days. I don’t know why he’s pulling away, I’m in a much better position than he is right now, so I’m really confused!
He has turned off his phone (has a work phone that I refuse to call-I’m not pathetic), but is active on facebook (ok I’m a creep! but I did only message him the once!) Any ideas as to whats going on?? He told me he stopped talking to other girls, and while there was no commitment he said he didn’t not want me if that makes sense! I’ve been chill in general, but I have told him that we can’t be just friends (which he admits) and that I just don’t know what I want right now (which is true, and he said the same thing).
I think I do deserve better than the hot/cold treatment, and feel a bit used as it’s like he only came back into my life for support (I’m doing better). I’m tempted to just block him, but there’s that last little bit of me that wants to give it a last go. Do you think I’m being stupid and should just block/ignore him? He knows I like to know where I stand so he knows that he’s bothering me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 10, 2016 at 9:16 am
Hi Bella,
Don’t block him.. Just let him.. You’re just going to confirm that you’re affected when you block him
Espoir
April 8, 2016 at 4:18 pm
Hey,
I wanted to Thank you for such A warm welcome. I wasnt able to send you A voice question And I dont know What to do. My case is really particulair. I Come from south america And my ex from France, we had A year together before I had to go home And we continued our history in A long distance way, last year I décided to leave everything And I came to live in France And we took an appartement together. He Broke up with me And we have to love together for 3 months more And I dont know What to do. I am so deep in love with him Still but he has been really weird sometimes he arrived home And he sees me And kisses me hello And we hug And we Laugh ( even if we are not together) he tells me he doesnt want to stop kidding but at The same time he doesnt want it to happen all The time, sometimes he comes to me And hugs me, but I can see in his eyes he doesnt feel The same as me, I think he Still has feeling sur for me but he is done trying. Please I need your help, I dont know how to get him back when we are living together 🙁 I would really appreciate it.
Micaela
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 9, 2016 at 8:40 am
Hi Espoir,
why did he breakup with you?
Relentless
March 30, 2016 at 11:05 pm
Hi Amor/Chris.
This post relates to my current boyfriend of two months who I really want to prevent becoming my ex. He is of middle eastern descent and I am Australian
and most of the time we understand each other but ofcourse there are some cultural differences.
He says I’m his girlfriend, I have met a few of his friends, he is yet to meet mine and we went on a trip to a nice lodge for a few days recently. However he thinks it’s too soon to meet my mum or me meet his cousin (his other family lives overseas). He also thinks it’s too soon to become Facebook official and that we need to spend more time getting to know each other first. In a way I understand..but I also don’t want to waste my time if someone is a commitment phobe. He says over time when things get more serious we will do all these things like meet family, become official etc. I want to know how long I should wait? I’ve read surveys on the net where it says in some cases it can take Upto 5 months to be Facebook official…but I feel he should be happy enough to be with me to make it sooner. I know Facebook isn’t everything, he’s shown in other ways that he is committed. He showed me when he cancelled his Zoosk account, I asked for proof and if I want to see a msg on his phone that I’m curious about he will let me. He also talks about one day me having a bbq with him and his friends. He holds my hand in public and always buys me things, he has assured me ‘one day I will meet his family’..and be fb official. We haven’t said I love you’s yet but he says he cares. What do I do? Yes Facebook isn’t a big deal on the surface but I feel like he should be proud to tell the world he’s with me…and well as for meeting my mum I think two months is long enough for that..
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 3, 2016 at 9:31 am
Hi Relentless,
Take it slow, yes you should wait until 5 months. FOr now, don’t ask about it. Just enjoy what you have, if it doesn’t progress over time then think about it because the more you worry about it the more it can hurt the relationship.
Chloe
March 20, 2016 at 12:40 pm
Hi Amor 🙂
Thanks for all your advice so far!
I’m having a bit of trouble getting my ex to go on a date with me. He seems eager to chat to me and discuss his life etc. and ask about mine. Yet every time I’ve mentioned going out for a quick coffee to catch up he simply drops out of the conversation. Then messages me a day later, ignoring my question about meeting up. I’ve mentioned meeting up 4 times now (the last time is the last time I’m willing to suggest it).
Yet before I left to go away on holiday he sent me a message more or less saying he wishes I’d never broken up with him and basically saying he still loves me. I replied to that and said fairly similar things and he still talks to me after that. Now I know that he’s an introverted guy and rarely says things he doesn’t mean, especially in that sense, but I’m worried he’s stringing me along…
But I’m really confused. Why would he keep dropping out of the conversation every time I try to organize meeting up when he’s already agreed to meet up for a coffee? Should I just ask him why he refuses to organize it?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 21, 2016 at 4:25 am
if he’s intorverted, it’s natural that it would really take time
Christine
March 19, 2016 at 1:53 am
My ex refuses to meet with me alone (just the two of us), and insists on bringing a mutual friend with him.
Why is he acting this way and what can I do about it?
Thank you!
Christine
March 19, 2016 at 5:56 pm
Thank you for your reply.
So do I give up and move on?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 20, 2016 at 8:00 am
you’re welcome! if you can, take that opportunity still to build attraction.. don’t pressure him to go back with you and don’t mention anything about that..
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 19, 2016 at 4:15 pm
he doesn’t want it to get romantic and become like a date…
Heartbroken
March 18, 2016 at 11:34 pm
Hello I sent an email to [email protected] because of my situation being personal to post here. I hope you guys have a chance to read it.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 19, 2016 at 4:14 pm
Hi Heartbroken,
don’t worry our team mate Ms Chesse will be
MK
March 18, 2016 at 8:12 pm
Im in a weird situation and I dont know how to proceed from this. He broke up with me a month ago, we didnt speak for 30 days, then exactly on day 30 he called and right away started asking me if I had slept with anyone or did any “irreversable damage”. I kept telling him no. We started texting and rebuilding attraction, finally met up with each other and once again.. Constantly questioning me about if I have done something or hooked up with anyone while were apart. To a point where I started to get suspicious of him! Im not the person to ask that stuff anyways, why would you even want to know… I told him over and over that I was more interested in the future and what would happen from now onward but I feel like hes stuck in just wanting to fight with me. Its none of his business anyway, but he just will not let it go. I think maybe hes guilty and wants me to admit to something so he can justify himself. Basically we do not trust each other.
We got into a texting fight because I told him AGAIN that I wanted us to move forward but wanted transparency and to be able to trust him and if he wants to keep his options open then so will I. He completely flipped out, called me names, basically cussed me out and told me that I drove him away again. Havent heard from him since. Im super hurt and confused and not sure what to do?? Back to no contact? or is this the guy that is going to continue to blame me for everything (he says I made him break up with me and move out, there was no cheating just fighting but he feels its my fault) and not ever see that he is also responsible? or just move past this period?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 19, 2016 at 4:28 pm
Hi Mk,
looks like he’s just going to blame you all the time… you may be even right that he’s hiding something… if ever he contacts you just to question you or blame you, don’t answer… Don’t initiate until he’s the one to reach out and say sorry.. for me, it’s been a toxic relationship and it’s best to move forward on your own
MK
March 18, 2016 at 8:25 pm
Basically the first date didn’t go well.. Hes still angry and cannot let go of the past. And Im pretty sure hes exploring other options but got extremely angry when I told him I would do the same thing then too… He feels like a victim and that I should be “winning” him back, so he can go date while Im at home “waiting” for him??
First Date Failure
March 16, 2016 at 6:17 am
Hi Chris and Amor,
Thanks for your continual advice, I did feel it had been working…. But may have hit a hurdle pushing things a bit too soon.
After a period of NC and brief flirty ‘goods exchange’ meet up, I managed to get my ex to meet up with a little convincing. Though, it wasn’t so much a date, but ‘the talk’ we never had when initially breaking up.
So, while it started off awkwardly with all the built up tension and weirdness in meeting in such a different context to before. We did catch up on things, it was friendly. However, the conversation soon turned into being more emotional than I’d hoped – and ended in tears. He did say he loved me, and what we had together was his most significant relationship, I was one of the most amazing women he’s met, and he still cared for me so much – he’s been suffering and said it would hurt to see me with someone else. Of course I challenged those feelings as it contradicts his decision to break up. But he still felt it was the right decision and he couldn’t offer me the friendship I wanted. The breakup was prompted because his feelings changed over time after I was having a difficult stressful time with work and was quite emotional and unhappy (without ever lashing out at him mind you). I’ve addressed that, changed jobs in fact, and have been feeling much better. But I can’t seem to get him to see the old ‘real’ me and get those feelings back..
I suspect I pushed him too soon to meet up and he could see through my intent. He said it was too hard for him to see me and was sorry he couldn’t be friends.
Should I go NC again and give him space? or should I maintain contact while feelings are fresh? I’m concerned that No Contact will end up being forever… and perhaps I need to let go.
First Date Failure
March 17, 2016 at 2:52 am
I would like to, and am ready to. I feel he’s making a clear, stubborn effort to avoid it to protect his own feelings of guilt and uncertainty. And also feel it’s these very feelings could work in my favour if I knew how to work with them!? I just don’t know which way is best. Continue reaching out being friendly and see if I get a response? Or just let the waters settle again and reach out later?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 17, 2016 at 1:04 pm
Yeah it’s going to be tricky to message him after that.Since he said he don’t want to be friends and if he also knows that you still like him then he probably will just avoid you..
But that doesn’t mean you can’t try coz we don’t know what he thinks about you..If you can build rapport and attraction with texting now and maintain being the ungettable girl by continuing what you were doing to improve yourself, then go do it
But if not, the better step is to use his feelings to miss you by doing active nc. Post a lot so he might miss you and regret leaving you..
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 16, 2016 at 9:34 pm
Nope, I don’t think no contact will be forever if you restart but… aftet that first meet up..can you set what you talked about aside and start being friendly?