By EBR Team Member: Ashley

Breakups already suck, but one of the things that can make them even more awful is if you were in a long distance relationship. If this is the case, it is likely that you were not dumped face to face, but rather via phone, text, email, Skype, maybe even snail mail. This can make the separation process more difficult in many ways, but it can also make it easier too, depending on how you look at it.

I’ve never been in a long distance relationship, because I asked some of the ladies who are dealing with the situation to give me some help. I got a lot of great pointers, many from women who had successfully gotten their ex’s back who they were in a long distance relationship with!

The overall main piece of advice that I got also lined up nicely with what the first step of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program is: No Contact.

For many people, No Contact is the hardest part of the process. But because your relationship was long distance, you will have some distinct advantages.

Embrace No Contact

No Contact is an extremely important time period in the Ex Boyfriend Recovery process, possibly the most important part. This period acts as a reset so that you are able to gain back your confidence, and get back to a more emotionally centered place.

After your breakup, it is understandable that you would be emotional. I imagine long distance breakups are even more difficult in some ways because you don’t always see it coming. In all of my past breakups, I’ve sensed my guy pull away a bit before the end, so I had the heads up that something was wrong, and I wasn’t super surprised when he ended it (though I was definitely still heartbroken). In a long distance relationship, it’s harder to see those signs, so I imagine that there are even more instances of it feeling like the breakup came out of the blue.

But this is good when it comes to No Contact. You want that distance there. The distance is your friend. Sure, you still have to see his name in your phone and his picture on social media, but you don’t run the same risk of, say, running into him on campus or at the grocery store.

Put him out of your mind as best as you can for your No Contact period, whether it be 21, 30, or 45 days.

A couple of the girls on the Facebook group offered the very wise counsel and advice to come back to yourself during your no contact period. Take the time to embrace being alone and think about what you can do to make yourself happy.

Chances are, you were putting a ton of effort into your long distance relationship. I’m sure it put a strain not only on the bond between you and your partner, but also on you and your lifestyle. So during No Contact, embrace the time to get back to your roots. Instead of logging onto Skype at 9pm each night to talk to your guy, go out dancing with friends, or have dinner with your sister. Call your mom. Work on all of the relationships that inevitably got less attention when you were nurturing your relationship.

And take the time to think about you and what you want. It could very well be that after thinking it through, you realize that the whole long distance thing wasn’t working for you anyway, and you may find you enjoy your independence. The bottom line is, take some time and energy for yourself. It will act as a reset between you and your ex, help you to get your bearings, and it will likely make him miss you.

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The Tightrope between Friends with Benefits and the Friend zone

Once you and your guy are back in contact, pay close attention to how he is acting towards you. You’ll want to try and gauge where you fall between the two categories of Friends with Benefits and The friend zone.

Friends with Benefits is a little harder long distance, obviously, but it is possible. Your ex could want sexy photos and texts, phone sex, skype sex. And if you guys do get to the point of a meetup, he may be hoping to get physical.

On the other hand, you have another, probably more dangerous category: the friend zone. When you and your ex were in a long distance relationship, he probably considered you his main friend and confidante. It’s going to be hard to let that go.

My ex and I were in the opposite of a long distance relationship, but it’s still very clear he views me as the primary person he feels comfortable being vulnerable around, and he still considers me his best friend. People are habit forming, and it’s difficult to let go of someone you were so comfortable around…even if they are miles and miles away.

So what you have to do is walk the tightrope between the friends with benefits, and the friend zone. This means not letting things get too comfortable on a friend level – you want him to be vulnerable around you – that is your power, but you don’t want him to get comfortable with you in that space. Because of that, you should keep up some flirting in your communications so that he has no choice but to see you in an attractive light.

But you can’t go too far with that, of course, because then you get stuck with him texting and calling you late at night when he’s drunk, lonely, and horny.

Other techniques you can use to maintain this balance include:

The Push/Pull Theory – When he starts getting close, push him away. When you sense him pulling away, you pull back too. Many women tend to do the opposite, and when their guy starts pulling away, they start pushing. Sometimes guys just need space. It is important to give it to them. They will always be back. Men are built to chase. Let him.

Don’t Be Too Available – When you were in a long distance relationship with your guy, you probably turned down a lot of fun things so that you could go home and chat with him at a time that worked for both of your locations. Once you two are broken up, you are no longer required to make those sacrifices. Go out and make him wonder what you’re up up and why you’re not answering your phone.

Jealousy – Piggy-backing off of the idea of making him wonder: Add some jealousy techniques. Mention a guy’s name in passing. Post pictures of you out at the club looking hot. Remind him of what he can’t have – what is no longer his.

Circle of Influence – If you can use your ex’s family and friends to your advantage in a long distance relationship, do it. People care about what their friends and family think of the person they are seeing. So if you can use social media and friend/family connections to your advantage, do it.

Positive Memories – One of the wonderful ladies on our group mentioned that she texted he ex a lot of memory texts. Even if he was far away, she was able to give him a positive memory of a time that the two of them shared together. This builds up positive feelings, even from miles away.

Leave Him Hanging – When you guys do talk, always be sure to end the conversation on a high note. You want him to be thinking really positively about you, and then cut the conversation short so that those positive feelings continue even after you’re no longer on the other end of the line.

Social Media – One of your biggest advantages in trying to get your long distance ex back is social media. Use facebook to show him what you’re up to, but don’t totally overdo it, either. Post about things you know he’ll find interesting, and see if you can link your conversations to the posts you make (this will also give you a sense of if he’s checking your profile). Use jealousy tactics on social media sparingly, especially if your guy is super sensitive and doesn’t respond well to jealousy. Overall, show your ex via social media what a blast you’re having. You want them to start thinking “does she even miss me?”

Long Distance and the Other Woman

If your ex is in a new relationship with another woman (almost certainly a rebound), and you are trying to get him back, I would recommend using all of the above, but I would also recommend adding the Being There method.

The idea behind this is that you stay present in your ex’s life, trying to slowly drive a wedge between him and his new girlfriend.

A good way to do this is to utilize the concept of vulnerability. Guys have a hard time being vulnerable, but they typically feel more comfortable being vulnerable around women. I suspect this is why so many guys jump into rebounds – whether it be purely physical or also emotional. They seek connection on both levels. So if you can stay in your ex’s life as a person he feels comfortable being vulnerable with, you will automatically have the power.

Meetups

Unfortunately, your biggest frustration in your relationship (the distance) will also be your biggest frustration as you try to get your ex back. Setting up a meet up is hard. Especially if you guys are very far away or his job keeps him from being able to leave.

Rapport is probably the biggest thing to make a meetup happen. After all, it is going to involve a lot of effort on both of your parts, so he is going to have to be relatively invested. I think the closer you are to rekindling a romantic relationship, the easier it will be to get him to meet up. If there is flirting, vulnerability, and positive rapport, it may be the right time to suggest a meeting.

It may take time, though. After all, you guys won’t have seen each other since before you broke up, most likely. And it could be that there are other things that are keeping him from being able to see you, too, like his job, his rebound, or other obligations. Tread carefully, here, as you don’t want to spook him.

It should be mentioned though, that skype and/or facetime is a great substitute for meetups. If you’re communicating regularly face to face that way, I think you’re on the right path. Building positive rapport and keeping the lines of communication and vulnerability open are absolutely key. Keep chipping away at that block of ice that is your guy’s stubbornness, and it’s likely he’ll melt eventually.

Getting an ex back is hard work, but it’s even tougher when you’re so far away from one another. There is a lot of emotions that play into the decision, and you have to communicate to make sure that you’re on the same page.

Willow and Tara are one of my favorite couples in Buffy. They break up for a period of time in season 6, but eventually reconcile. Tara points out to Willow that the process of rekindling their relationship will take time and effort from both sides:

“There’s just so much to work through. Trust has be to built again on both sides. You have to learn if we’re even the same people we were. If you can fit in each other’s lives. It’s a long and important process.”

Emotional Cool

It is always important to keep grounded emotionally when trying to get an ex back, but I would say it is especially important in a long distance situation because so much of your communication is via text or phone, where you can’t sense tone or body language. Because of this, it is very important to stay in control of how you feel and not blow up or get emotional when things get tough.

Your time with your ex is even more limited and precious in this situation, so it is doubly important to keep all communications positive between you two. That obviously doesn’t mean that things can’t get serious (vulnerability is often serious), but you should try to keep an eye on the big picture and not sweat the small stuff.

At the end of the day, the only person’s actions that you can control are your own.

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The Journey

The process of trying to get a long distance ex back is a frustrating one. But if you are successful, imagine how much stronger your relationship will be once the two of you are back together. You’ll have re-established intimacy on an emotional level and will have spent a lot of time deepening your connection.
You’ll learn more about yourself and your relationship as you work through this process, and ultimately, that is what matters.

106 thoughts on “If You Had a Long Distance Breakup Here Is How You Get Back Together”

  1. Gina

    September 17, 2018 at 9:21 pm

    Well as I said in previous messages, he’s offered to Skype with me and chat. So all I have to do is tell him I want to take him up on that, I’m just wondering if there’s anything extra that will make this chat count.

  2. Gina

    September 17, 2018 at 7:29 pm

    Anything in particular I should do/mention? It’s been a year since we broke up and I;ve only seen him once in person since then…last time we video chatted was after he broke up with me and I demanded he call me to explain face to face.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 17, 2018 at 9:12 pm

      Hi Gina…are you interested in reaching out to him…initiating contact?

  3. Gina

    September 17, 2018 at 2:58 am

    So my ex texted me today and we actually ended having a pretty good chat. I’m struggling with the idea of moving for a job and he suggested we Skype and just have a chat. This is the first time he’s suggested anything like this, even when we were dating long distance. Do I initiate?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 17, 2018 at 3:53 am

      Hi Gina!

      Glad to hear the chat was positive. Go for it. A little Skype convo can create some more positive deposits for the trust bank.

  4. Dolly

    September 12, 2018 at 4:11 pm

    So today after gym I receive a call from a number I don’t know, turns out it’s my ex. I’ve already picked it up and I can’t hang up the call because it will be rude. He asked me how I was doing and also said he thought he should call and check how I am doing since he didn’t reply the last text he got from me (remember I talked about it) and I was just calm and collected not rude at all but also not too friendly. Any idea why this might have happened? Does he miss me or he was genuinely just checking me?‍♀️

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 17, 2018 at 9:55 pm

      I think its both..he misses you and checking up on you. My advice is to get up to speed on my ex recovery program so you can maximize all the moves you make.

  5. Dolly

    September 10, 2018 at 10:54 am

    Hi Chris
    I don’t know if I understand you but, by saying it would be wise if he reconnected with me you meant that I should wait for him to be the one to make contact first after NC?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 11, 2018 at 12:52 am

      I am hopeful he will reach out to you during the NC period. But my program calls for a progressive and tactical way for making contact with your ex after NC is concluded.

  6. Gina

    September 9, 2018 at 2:59 pm

    The thing is, I’m in Europe and he’s in North America, it’s not like I can invite him casually since it’s a pretty big thing for either party to fly anywhere. He’s still initiating texts but I don’t think he’s gonna push to get back together

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 9, 2018 at 6:45 pm

      I understand Gina. Just keep putting little breadcrumbs so he will keep initiating. Also, maybe a little jealousy can give him an awakening.

  7. Dolly

    September 8, 2018 at 11:58 pm

    Hi I posted a comment a few minutes ago but I can’t see it.

  8. Dolly

    September 8, 2018 at 11:04 pm

    Hi. My boyfriend of two years broke up with me this week due to a year of long distance. I had to drop out of university due to finances and go back home but I’ll be going back next year. He completed his year last year and is now working. Our problem was that we hardly saw each other due to how far we were from each other. We love each other sooo much we had even planned a future together. Things started getting tense between us when I had to meet him but it wasn’t possible due to family issues. That happened about 5 weeks ago, 2 weeks after the tension had started he called asking if we can meet up soon over lunch and told me that he misses me and he wants us to meet so we could solve stuff face to face instead of over the phone.

    I agreed and we set up a date but he postponed due to his mother’s birthday which he didn’t even go to. A few days later he asked if I’d be okay with him getting a side girl and I refused stating obvious reasons. We set up another which was this weekend but he told me a few days before that he thinks it wouldn’t be the best time for us to meet.

    When I asked him why, he finally told me that he had met someone and he’d like to give her a chance. Then out of hurt I told him that I wish him well. He called me and admitted that he doesn’t love her but loves me a lot. He said he only likes her and feels that she should be with her now because she is in the same area with him and that he doesn’t want to be alone. He told me repeatedly that he loves me and that she is only a choice now because she is closer. Out of hurt again I told him that we should cut contact so he can be with her. He didn’t want that but said yes anyway just to please me.

    The next morning I felt a little bad and told him that I didn’t mean it when I said we should cut contact but we can talk every now and then as we were best friends. He didn’t reply to that text but he definitely saw it. I know that he still has my numbers because he checks my WhatsApp statuses everytime I post something or a picture.

    I love him sooo much and I know for sure he meant it when he said he still loves me. Do we still have a chance together perhaps when I get back to varsity in three months? We weren’t only lovers but best friends as well so I really don’t know what to do.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 9, 2018 at 5:04 am

      Hi Dolly…your ex is being unfair to you by pulling your heart one way…then tugging it another. But people make mistakes all the time with their relationship choices. Its seem to me it would be wise if he reconnected with you. Best to have a comprehensive ex recovery plan which is what offer here on the site.

  9. Gina

    September 7, 2018 at 10:24 pm

    Do I wait for him to bring it up? He was reluctant to visit when we were together so not sure if that’ll come from him. Would a nudge that I’ve moved on help?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 7, 2018 at 10:53 pm

      Hi again Gina!

      I see you point. At this point, I think its good to think 3 dimensional. So maybe there is some event in your area and you can say you are buying tickets and if he would like to come and and enjoy the experience with you.

      The nudge that you have moved on is a tactic, but save that for last.

  10. Gina

    September 7, 2018 at 4:31 am

    My ex broke up with me about a year ago. We had started long distance when I went back overseas bcause I lost my job, but we had plans as to how to make it work. Fast forward a year- no contact for 6 months, I went back to visit and he asked to see me, we hung out and he took me to all our old haunts and now he texts me periodically asking when I’m coming back. Last week he drunk texted me, asking when I was coming back because he wanted us to go back to our favourite hotel. He later apologised, but I’m not sure how to proceed from here. Clearly he’s conflicted, but I don’t know how to use this to my advantage because he’s not good at articulating his feelings.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 7, 2018 at 3:08 pm

      Hi Gina!

      Yes…he seems interested in you. So maybe just take things slow. Be responsive to his texts…keep it positive. If he is genuinely interested in making this connection work and last, then he should be amenable to coming to see you in your neck of the woods. That would be a test of his intentions and level of interest.

  11. Hannah Lynch

    March 2, 2018 at 1:44 am

    Thanks so much for getting back,
    I take it i have no chance then if he’s blocked me off everything? Im going back home in around two months for good. Literally fell in love with this guy as i’ve known him for so long, and i finally got him, now ive screwed it up right?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 5, 2018 at 4:52 pm

      Well, it was wrong to chase him..so, of you still want to try, don’t do that again..move on without totally moving on..

  12. Hannah Lynch

    February 28, 2018 at 8:45 pm

    Me and ex boyfriend were seeing each other officially for around 1 month. It is a long distance relationship and it ended abruptly because he asked me had i been saying anyone during the 1 month that we were chatting and if i was behaved. so all in all its been about 2 months. He told me that he slept with someone, so i said me too (which i did I sleep with someone (sort of) the opposite sex). I was extremely drunk (i know this isn’t an excuse) but i didn’t know what was happening between us and everything was up in the air so i was just out one night and it happened. I didn’t think this was cheating as we were not official but he says that we had an agreement that we were gonna behave, although there were days he wouldn’t text me and always me initiating conversation.

    However i did travel home to see him after about 2 weeks after this to make it official and everything was perfect. Then when he asked me that and i told him he told me he was lying and just wanted to see what i said. I have literally tried so hard to get him back.. i even sent him flowers! He blocked me from everything, every social media, phone, everytttthing…..

    When he received the flowers he got in contact and said he would work on things but after 2 days he got angry again and blocked me again from everything. It’s been about 4 days i havn’t contacted him after he told me not to contact him again. I am absolutely heartbroken. what the hell do i do!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 1, 2018 at 12:09 pm

      Hi Hannah,
      You were just two months together.. It’s a short relationship..so basically you just do 21-30 days.

  13. S

    February 13, 2018 at 9:32 pm

    I started working out, looking into going to grad school, and hung out with my friends. I was pretty active on social media – posted some pictures of me with friends/nice looking selfies. He keeps making comments that are friendly, but almost overly friendly, if that makes sense. Like it could be interpreted in a friendly way, but I know him well enough to know that he doesn’t speak to his friends that way. I’m afraid to flirt back

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 18, 2018 at 1:28 pm

      Start slowly building rapport in text while you continue on being more focused in your life and continue posting..

  14. Janina

    February 13, 2018 at 2:06 pm

    Hi!

    I have been reading this site since the beginning of December, and I wish I had found this site much sooner. I think I would have had a better chance getting my ex boyfriend back then. We began dating one year ago, when I was an exchange student in my parents´ home country. He was extremely nice and helpful in everything, and I fell in love with him slowly and surely. It was the first serious relationship for both of us, and we had really wonderful and truly happy moments.

    We had a long distance relationship from the beginning in my exchange country (200km) but when I moved back to my home country after 6 months of dating, it was a disaster because we were both future-oriented and couldn´t decide which one should move to the other person´s country in the future. We didn´t make any clear plans either that who would visit whom, how often and when.

    We broke up after 8 months of dating but kept contact daily for 2 months after that. Then he started to become more distant. I panicked and tried to manipulate him and made a bad mistake of hurting him deeply. He blocked me on facebook and said he wants nothing to do with me anymore. After a few days I sincerely apologized to him and he said he isn´t angry at me but had realized that I´m not the one for him. I found this site then and decided to start no contact, because I felt that anything I was doing to try to save our broken and lost relationship was making the things only worse. After a week I broke the no contact to send him a short email asking a practical important question which he replied to quickly and positively. It seemed like he was much calmer and relaxed, and wrote that he had been thinking a lot if he was doing the right thing cutting off contact. He said it felt nice to know that I was there loving him but felt bad about disappearing from my life like that. He said that if it´s meant to be, it will be. I replied and said I agree with him and we should have cut contact already a long time ago. Since then he sent me a text after 2 weeks saying “Merry Christmas to you and your family, please be happy ;)”. I didn´t want to be rude so I replied politely. After that there was no contact at all for 30 days. After that I sent him a short, positive, interesting email and he replied the next day. He said it was nice to hear from me. We sent each other a couple of emails but it takes longer and longer for him to reply. Since the last email he hasn´t replied for a week now.

    Should I wait until he reaches out for me or should I try to keep up the contact with him? Is it normal that it takes this long for him to reply? I understand that I am not his priority anymore, but a week seems like a quite long time to reply. I´m still blocked on facebook and it seems like he is really trying to move on. I have made very much self-reflecting and realized lots of mistakes from my part that had led to the breakup. I have strived for improving myself and taking part in interesting projects and I have subtly integrated this information in my emails to him as well.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 18, 2018 at 10:30 am

      Hi Janina,

      Let him initiate but set a limit on until when you would wait before moving on

  15. Ana

    February 10, 2018 at 8:12 pm

    Hey Amor! So I was on my 16 day of No Contact when I sent him a Snapchat, it was only a picture tho. Did I ruin no contact? He opened it and didn’t say anything. On he EBFR book it says 21 days of no contact if you broke up in a good way, in my case, broke up the friendship. Should I wait the 21 days and txt him? I miss him so much all the time it’s killing me 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 15, 2018 at 12:56 pm

      yup, that means you broke it.

  16. S

    February 9, 2018 at 3:29 pm

    Hello. I was in a ldr for 5ish months with a man I met at a work conference. I live on the West Coast, he lives on the East Coast. We saw each other once/twice a month for the 5 months we were together, and we were making it work. We were really happy together, and he invited me to stay with his family for Christmas/New Years so I could meet everyone/spend time with him. Things were great, then he started acting distant saying he didn’t like that we were only seeing each other once a month, but that he wanted to make a plan to see each other more. So I came up with a list of dates that I could see him and we said we’d make it work. I got home after New Years and he ended things abruptly saying he felt like I was more invested than he was. I asked if there was anything I could do and he said no. So I began no contact after the initial break up and made it about 29 days before I received a letter from him in the mail saying he was having a hard time putting his feelings to words and that he was still working through the break up but still wanted to remain friends. I reached out to him to let him know I received his letter but that I was still processing the break up and as much as I’d like to be friends, I was not ready for it at that moment. Since then, he’s texted me every single day for a week now. He asked me if he could write me another letter, and I told him yes, but I wasn’t interested in the letter if it was just to relieve himself of guilt/tell me why he wanted to remain friends. What should I do? I still want to be with him, but I’m nervous that he has put me in the friendzone. But I’m also confused that he’s been texting me every single day initiating contact. Should I go back to No Contact?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 12, 2018 at 11:07 pm

      Hi S,

      That’s good that you conveyed that you’re not ready to be friends yet but how much did you improve yourself and how active were you in posting in social media during nc and now?

  17. Ana

    January 26, 2018 at 4:29 am

    I thought could be that. Any chances of him falling in love with me again? Or should I move on? Should I do no contact period and text him? Ty Amor <3

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 29, 2018 at 11:37 am

      Frankly, I think should move on.

  18. Alice

    January 26, 2018 at 2:13 am

    Hey, we were together for nearly eight years. I met my ex at high school when I was studying in Europe (I’m Asian). We went to different universities in the same ame country (different cities) but continued going out. This lasted about 6 years and then I had to go back to Asia since I found a job that is really suitable for me at home. We did long distance for 2 years and suddenly he broke up with me. He said he feels that our worlds are becoming increasingly different. I am so into my job and my new friends that he feels I’d rather chat with them than being there for him. He also feels really stressed out from the pressure of finding work in my country so that we can work out. He’s doing a masters now but he’s not sure he’d be able to come after the course. And he’s also started developing a crush for a friend who shares more hobbies with him than me. Before the breakup I actually considered parting ways with him but now that we are broken up, I realise that I love a lot more than I ever realised. It’s been about 10 days since the breakup and I haven’t contacted him at all. He did say when he texted me the final text that we should take a break for a while but he’d be happy to hear from me in future and that I know how to contact him. Is there any chance left in this relationship? He still hasn’t deleted our photo together from his fb profile pic album (but no longer his current photo), so surely there are feelings left?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 29, 2018 at 11:36 am

      Hi Alice,

      Yeah, there probably still are.

  19. Ana

    January 22, 2018 at 1:16 pm

    Ty so much amor! We did it. We said goodbye. He said he was afraid to ruin his relationship with his gf because of me, and if he had to choose between one of us it would be her. I didn’t show any sadness though, I stayed strong and confident in my decision. There was one point which he said he didn’t feel it was goodbye forever and that more time need to pass. Does it mean something or am I just dreaming? Ty again! <3

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 24, 2018 at 1:39 am

      He’s probably trying to friendzone you..

  20. Ana

    January 20, 2018 at 2:55 pm

    Does he really wants a fall back even when he won’t open my messages? Or maybe he just want someone chasing him? I see he’s online but he never open our convo 🙁 it’s been three days since our last talk. All I wanted was to say goodbye because it would set me free I can’t move on without having this last talk but this day seems t never come. Any advices?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 21, 2018 at 6:48 am

      Hi ana,

      You have to give the closure to yourself..especially if he’s already ignoring you..

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