By EBR Team Member: Ashley

Breakups already suck, but one of the things that can make them even more awful is if you were in a long distance relationship. If this is the case, it is likely that you were not dumped face to face, but rather via phone, text, email, Skype, maybe even snail mail. This can make the separation process more difficult in many ways, but it can also make it easier too, depending on how you look at it.

I’ve never been in a long distance relationship, because I asked some of the ladies who are dealing with the situation to give me some help. I got a lot of great pointers, many from women who had successfully gotten their ex’s back who they were in a long distance relationship with!

The overall main piece of advice that I got also lined up nicely with what the first step of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program is: No Contact.

For many people, No Contact is the hardest part of the process. But because your relationship was long distance, you will have some distinct advantages.

Embrace No Contact

No Contact is an extremely important time period in the Ex Boyfriend Recovery process, possibly the most important part. This period acts as a reset so that you are able to gain back your confidence, and get back to a more emotionally centered place.

After your breakup, it is understandable that you would be emotional. I imagine long distance breakups are even more difficult in some ways because you don’t always see it coming. In all of my past breakups, I’ve sensed my guy pull away a bit before the end, so I had the heads up that something was wrong, and I wasn’t super surprised when he ended it (though I was definitely still heartbroken). In a long distance relationship, it’s harder to see those signs, so I imagine that there are even more instances of it feeling like the breakup came out of the blue.

But this is good when it comes to No Contact. You want that distance there. The distance is your friend. Sure, you still have to see his name in your phone and his picture on social media, but you don’t run the same risk of, say, running into him on campus or at the grocery store.

Put him out of your mind as best as you can for your No Contact period, whether it be 21, 30, or 45 days.

A couple of the girls on the Facebook group offered the very wise counsel and advice to come back to yourself during your no contact period. Take the time to embrace being alone and think about what you can do to make yourself happy.

Chances are, you were putting a ton of effort into your long distance relationship. I’m sure it put a strain not only on the bond between you and your partner, but also on you and your lifestyle. So during No Contact, embrace the time to get back to your roots. Instead of logging onto Skype at 9pm each night to talk to your guy, go out dancing with friends, or have dinner with your sister. Call your mom. Work on all of the relationships that inevitably got less attention when you were nurturing your relationship.

And take the time to think about you and what you want. It could very well be that after thinking it through, you realize that the whole long distance thing wasn’t working for you anyway, and you may find you enjoy your independence. The bottom line is, take some time and energy for yourself. It will act as a reset between you and your ex, help you to get your bearings, and it will likely make him miss you.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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The Tightrope between Friends with Benefits and the Friend zone

Once you and your guy are back in contact, pay close attention to how he is acting towards you. You’ll want to try and gauge where you fall between the two categories of Friends with Benefits and The friend zone.

Friends with Benefits is a little harder long distance, obviously, but it is possible. Your ex could want sexy photos and texts, phone sex, skype sex. And if you guys do get to the point of a meetup, he may be hoping to get physical.

On the other hand, you have another, probably more dangerous category: the friend zone. When you and your ex were in a long distance relationship, he probably considered you his main friend and confidante. It’s going to be hard to let that go.

My ex and I were in the opposite of a long distance relationship, but it’s still very clear he views me as the primary person he feels comfortable being vulnerable around, and he still considers me his best friend. People are habit forming, and it’s difficult to let go of someone you were so comfortable around…even if they are miles and miles away.

So what you have to do is walk the tightrope between the friends with benefits, and the friend zone. This means not letting things get too comfortable on a friend level – you want him to be vulnerable around you – that is your power, but you don’t want him to get comfortable with you in that space. Because of that, you should keep up some flirting in your communications so that he has no choice but to see you in an attractive light.

But you can’t go too far with that, of course, because then you get stuck with him texting and calling you late at night when he’s drunk, lonely, and horny.

Other techniques you can use to maintain this balance include:

The Push/Pull Theory – When he starts getting close, push him away. When you sense him pulling away, you pull back too. Many women tend to do the opposite, and when their guy starts pulling away, they start pushing. Sometimes guys just need space. It is important to give it to them. They will always be back. Men are built to chase. Let him.

Don’t Be Too Available – When you were in a long distance relationship with your guy, you probably turned down a lot of fun things so that you could go home and chat with him at a time that worked for both of your locations. Once you two are broken up, you are no longer required to make those sacrifices. Go out and make him wonder what you’re up up and why you’re not answering your phone.

Jealousy – Piggy-backing off of the idea of making him wonder: Add some jealousy techniques. Mention a guy’s name in passing. Post pictures of you out at the club looking hot. Remind him of what he can’t have – what is no longer his.

Circle of Influence – If you can use your ex’s family and friends to your advantage in a long distance relationship, do it. People care about what their friends and family think of the person they are seeing. So if you can use social media and friend/family connections to your advantage, do it.

Positive Memories – One of the wonderful ladies on our group mentioned that she texted he ex a lot of memory texts. Even if he was far away, she was able to give him a positive memory of a time that the two of them shared together. This builds up positive feelings, even from miles away.

Leave Him Hanging – When you guys do talk, always be sure to end the conversation on a high note. You want him to be thinking really positively about you, and then cut the conversation short so that those positive feelings continue even after you’re no longer on the other end of the line.

Social Media – One of your biggest advantages in trying to get your long distance ex back is social media. Use facebook to show him what you’re up to, but don’t totally overdo it, either. Post about things you know he’ll find interesting, and see if you can link your conversations to the posts you make (this will also give you a sense of if he’s checking your profile). Use jealousy tactics on social media sparingly, especially if your guy is super sensitive and doesn’t respond well to jealousy. Overall, show your ex via social media what a blast you’re having. You want them to start thinking “does she even miss me?”

Long Distance and the Other Woman

If your ex is in a new relationship with another woman (almost certainly a rebound), and you are trying to get him back, I would recommend using all of the above, but I would also recommend adding the Being There method.

The idea behind this is that you stay present in your ex’s life, trying to slowly drive a wedge between him and his new girlfriend.

A good way to do this is to utilize the concept of vulnerability. Guys have a hard time being vulnerable, but they typically feel more comfortable being vulnerable around women. I suspect this is why so many guys jump into rebounds – whether it be purely physical or also emotional. They seek connection on both levels. So if you can stay in your ex’s life as a person he feels comfortable being vulnerable with, you will automatically have the power.

Meetups

Unfortunately, your biggest frustration in your relationship (the distance) will also be your biggest frustration as you try to get your ex back. Setting up a meet up is hard. Especially if you guys are very far away or his job keeps him from being able to leave.

Rapport is probably the biggest thing to make a meetup happen. After all, it is going to involve a lot of effort on both of your parts, so he is going to have to be relatively invested. I think the closer you are to rekindling a romantic relationship, the easier it will be to get him to meet up. If there is flirting, vulnerability, and positive rapport, it may be the right time to suggest a meeting.

It may take time, though. After all, you guys won’t have seen each other since before you broke up, most likely. And it could be that there are other things that are keeping him from being able to see you, too, like his job, his rebound, or other obligations. Tread carefully, here, as you don’t want to spook him.

It should be mentioned though, that skype and/or facetime is a great substitute for meetups. If you’re communicating regularly face to face that way, I think you’re on the right path. Building positive rapport and keeping the lines of communication and vulnerability open are absolutely key. Keep chipping away at that block of ice that is your guy’s stubbornness, and it’s likely he’ll melt eventually.

Getting an ex back is hard work, but it’s even tougher when you’re so far away from one another. There is a lot of emotions that play into the decision, and you have to communicate to make sure that you’re on the same page.

Willow and Tara are one of my favorite couples in Buffy. They break up for a period of time in season 6, but eventually reconcile. Tara points out to Willow that the process of rekindling their relationship will take time and effort from both sides:

“There’s just so much to work through. Trust has be to built again on both sides. You have to learn if we’re even the same people we were. If you can fit in each other’s lives. It’s a long and important process.”

Emotional Cool

It is always important to keep grounded emotionally when trying to get an ex back, but I would say it is especially important in a long distance situation because so much of your communication is via text or phone, where you can’t sense tone or body language. Because of this, it is very important to stay in control of how you feel and not blow up or get emotional when things get tough.

Your time with your ex is even more limited and precious in this situation, so it is doubly important to keep all communications positive between you two. That obviously doesn’t mean that things can’t get serious (vulnerability is often serious), but you should try to keep an eye on the big picture and not sweat the small stuff.

At the end of the day, the only person’s actions that you can control are your own.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

The Journey

The process of trying to get a long distance ex back is a frustrating one. But if you are successful, imagine how much stronger your relationship will be once the two of you are back together. You’ll have re-established intimacy on an emotional level and will have spent a lot of time deepening your connection.
You’ll learn more about yourself and your relationship as you work through this process, and ultimately, that is what matters.

What to Read Next

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163 thoughts on “If You Had a Long Distance Breakup Here Is How You Get Back Together”

  1. Avatar

    Ray

    May 11, 2020 at 8:49 pm

    Hello, my boyfriend of 1 year and 9 months broke up with me a week ago today. The decision to break up was mutual because it’s been hard and the distance has always made things hard but not hard enough to ultimately make us break up. We’ve been arguing off and on the last few months and he wasn’t ready to completely break up until about 2 months ago. He decided that we both need this because our relationship had become a toxic one. We were VERY close…. About as close as you can get for a long distance couple, we just starting dating a little too early and that’s what made it hard. We only got to see eachother about 5 days each month and sometimes more but we talked throughout the day and every night when we were apart. We talked very seriously about marriage and how and where we are going to live. I didn’t get to visit his family as much as he did mine but our families have a VERY long history of friendship. Anyways, what made the mutual breakup so hard is that I could tell something was different about his attitude when we broke up over the phone. It felt like he didn’t see a future with me anymore and that there wasn’t a chance in getting back together…. That of course made me go into an emotional panic and I texted him all day the next day because I needed to know that he wasn’t giving up on the idea of me and him getting back together when we’re both the best us we can be…. I shouldn’t have done that but I finally calmed down and stopped after we talked on the phone one more time. He told me “if you focus on yourself and be the best you you can be, there’s always a chance…. But right now we need to stop”. Since then we have not communicated. I’m so terrified that he’s going to find someone and she’s going to love all his wonderful qualities and that’ll be it for us… What do you think?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 20, 2020 at 12:00 pm

      Hi Ray, most have the same fear that they are going to meet someone else and move on, and often it happens where they date others while you are focusing on yourself. I would suggest that during your NC that you focus on your Holy trinity and work out if you and he have a future together, where you are living in the same area. As long distance relationships can only work for so long before someone would need to take the step to be with the other person to make things work long term

  2. Avatar

    Aynaz

    May 2, 2020 at 1:39 pm

    Hello,my boyfriend and I are together for 5 months. And we wanted to meet but suddenly all the borders are closed becuz of pandemic and he couldn’t come to my country. He told me he was serious about me and wanted to marry me and all days and nights he texted me and told me he is waiting for the borders to be open again to come and see me as soon as possible. but suddenly he dissapeard. It’s been 5 days since he didn’t replied my msges but he is active on instagram and he sees all my stories on instagram. I want to text him and ask him what’s wrong with him becuz i haven’t done somthing wrong and the last text of him was couple of kiss emojies. I don’t want to swallow my pride . My friends say if he loved me he wouldn’t put himself in this situation. I should tell you that he dissapeard 2 months ago but came back after two weeks and told me he wasn’t in a good mood and asked me to excuse him.
    I don’t know what to do know. I’m really confused should I text him?thank u for helping me

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 7, 2020 at 8:11 pm

      Aynaz, when reading this you need to take into account your relationship has been so short and he has disappeared for the second time, it is totally up to you if you accept this behaviour from someone who tells you they love you. However I would consider why they think it is acceptable to drop you when they are not feeling in a good mood. For such a length of time too. I would complete a No Contact period where you do not reply or reach out to him at all and let him see that you are not willing to be treated this way, if he does not reach out to you before the 45 day period I would then reach out if you really want them in your life

  3. Avatar

    Tracy

    March 27, 2020 at 6:57 am

    Hello, my ex and I broke up on the third of March. We were in a long-distance relationship and have been together for a little over a year. From the 3rd to the 13th we were going back-and-forth arguing. On the 15th he reached out, now we text as friends and we facetimed 3 times already. I want to get back with him. Originally I broke up with him late February due to my insecurities, I gave him some time to decide if he wanted to get back but he didn’t wanna get back together. He said on ft he still loves me and that he wants me to move out there but that is the only way he can see us working out. I don’t know what to do to get him back but I’m hoping I can get him back during the quarantine. There’s nothing really wrong in our relationship. We barely got in to arguments, his family likes me, we have the same sense of humor, and etc. I realize my actions that pushed him away. Please help. Thanks!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 30, 2020 at 11:29 pm

      Hi Tracy, so you would need to complete a NC and stop being friends with your ex for now, as you want a relationship with him not a friendship. Work the Holy Trinity and focus on yourself and getting over insecurities, learning how to control them

  4. Avatar

    Anna

    January 6, 2020 at 3:46 pm

    Hi, I’ve been talking to a a guy for a few months and we’ve never met because of a long distance work term, but had a great connection. Finally when we met, we hit it off and were really compatible. I was getting mixed signals to what he wanted because there were a lot of signs he wanted something serious, but when I asked him where this was going, he said he wanted to be friends with benefits because there is no point in getting into something serious because he’s leaving again permanently in a few months. I told him I was looking for something more serious and he repeated the fact he was leaving and said it was too bad because he thinks we’re really compatible. I’m really upset because I feel like I finally met someone good and for the first time I was happy in such a long time and now it feels like we’re only being separated by distance. Now I just wonder did he ever really like me after all that time and actually wanted something serious up until he knew he was leaving? Or did he always just play along for months through long distance just for sex?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 11, 2020 at 3:00 am

      Hey Anna, I am sorry I cant really answer that for you, only he could but I do not advise asking him. If he is leaving and there is not going to be open to a long distance relationship it may be time to just accept that this is the reality of your situation and start dating casually until you are feeling you are over this guy

  5. Avatar

    Mary

    December 20, 2019 at 7:52 pm

    Hi, I’m so heartbroken.
    My ex broke with me yesterday. We were in a face to face relationship for a year, then he leave for school and we committed to a LDR for a year and a half, a total of 2 years and 6 months being a couple. I reallly really really didn’t see this coming, 10 days before breaking up he told me that I was so good to him, he told me that please never give up on him or us, that I was for sure the love of his live and that he wanted everything with me. I saw him last week, I visited him and i though we were just fine… he confessed that he had cheated on me hours before I arrived, days after he told me that I was the one without a doubt.
    I cannot believed that he cheated, not after all we have been trough after all the love we have. We weren’t a toxic relationship at all, I mean everyone said that we were so rare so unreal…
    I love him so so so much.. I don’t know if I want him back because I feel like I can’t trust him because of the cheating plus the LDR, but I just want him to love me, to worry about me, to stay in touch, to be friends but really close friends and maybe In a future, be the strong and loving couple we were.
    Please advice me, do we have a future right now? Or maybe later? Can we and how can we be friends?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 23, 2019 at 2:45 pm

      Hi Mary, I can’t really tell you if you can be friends or not that is up to you and him – can you be friends with someone you say you love being just friends is going to be tough for you emotionally. Asking if you have a future with your ex as in a future relationship, also depends on what you and he want from each other, does he want to get back together? Is the long distance permanent or is there a plan to get you both together again? For now while you are hurting you can do a no contact to get over your pain and see what actions he takes not hearing from you

  6. Avatar

    Tina

    December 19, 2019 at 1:19 am

    Hello,

    My ex and I knew of each other for a long time, but were never friends and lived in different countries. One by chance meet up, we felt a spark, and we started dating. Although it was a long distance relationship, we saw each other very often, weeks in a row.
    The relationship progressed really fast, and we actively started dreaming and planning the future together. I decided to move to where he is living right now, and he asked me to move in with him once I do, and was really excited about it. We also talked about what will happen a year after- he has to move back home, and wanted me to come with him.
    A month ago, he had a conversation with his father (we are in our early 20s and still have our parents paying for everything), which resulted in him saying I can’t move in with him, because his family would be visiting a lot and it would be uncomfortable. He also said he is very stressed out because the move to his home country in a year from now won’t be as he envisioned- his father has different plans for him, which include moving around a lot, and taking care of family business.
    He said he is going through things, but wants to figure it all, find a solution and make us work.
    I visited him a week or so after, and felt he was acting differently. We were fighting all the time. I even left his place, but he came back saying he was sorry- and he was filling off with all the new plans, but that he will try figuring it out and make us work, because I’m the most important thing.
    A week later, he broke up with me after another fight over the phone (there have been a lot more since the conversation with his father, since I started feeling insecure because he acted differently), saying how his feelings have changed, and how he was selfish to be planning all out future together, when he needs to be there for his family, that he can’t be in a relationship right now, and how he will hurt me in the end. How maybe he will regret it later, but it’s the only healthy option right now, because I deserve the best and he can’t give it to me now.
    It has been 2 weeks since our last phone call conversation.
    I’m still moving to where he lives in January.
    He has deleted out pictures from social media, after I did, and hasn’t attempted to contact me in any way.
    We had been together for 8 months before the break up. Since in January I will be in the same city as he is, is there anything I could do?
    I love him very much, and want out future to be together, but if he no longer feels the same way, it feels odd to try pushing it.
    I should also probably add that initially he was the one who brought all the seriousness to our relationship, including the discussion of moving now and in a year, saying how he knows that I am all he wants in his partner for life, and all I have to do is keep being myself.
    Thank you very much in advance!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 22, 2019 at 5:39 pm

      Hi Tina, as you are moving to his city next month I suggest that you focus on that and how to be the ungettable girl, when you have been living in the same city for a few weeks you can reach out to him as a friend having a brief short positive conversation, asking for advice on where you could go for food with a friend, run some errands, find an item you need. I would use social media that you know he has access to, to show that you are living in his area and then he will wonder why you have not reached out to him.

  7. Avatar

    Marian

    December 10, 2019 at 3:50 pm

    Hey! I met my ex online, we have known each other for over a year and were just casual friends (never imagined him as more than a friend). I started getting really busy so I got away from everything and focused on my studies, then a few months later I came back to that group we had and he messaged me out of the blue, from there we became really close, we were talking every day for a month and a half and became an LDR couple.
    He asked me to come to meet him and offered to pay for my flight. a few weeks after we met in real life, we were a real couple for a week we did everything together and he said he loved me and took me to many fancy places, paid for me and everything. We had a really small argument once but I didn’t pay too much attention cuz we talked about it, when I came back to my country, he said he was crying and I could see me leaving was really hard for him, but then, a few days later he became really distant, when we talked about it he said he can’t have those fights in the future (because his ex was constantly fighting with him) and said he needed some time to think, I gave him that time with no begging and got into no contact period, after that I messaged him with the “While I was doing that it reminded me of you” he replied with a message “Woah that’s so cool!” and I replied kept talking about that topic, but he hasn’t kept the conversation going. He does reply when I message him but he doesn’t initiate..do you think he still mad at me? what should I do? I’ll appreciate any help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 14, 2019 at 11:58 pm

      Hey Marian, it does not seem that he is mad anymore and it sounds like he is open to speaking to you but not initiating means that you’re not getting his curiosity enough make sure you are the one who is ending conversations even if the conversation is cut short.

  8. Avatar

    Mary

    November 5, 2019 at 2:23 am

    Hi, my ex and I broke up 3 days ago. We dated for 2 years total and a year and 9 months before we started doing long distance. We always talked about our future, kids, marriage, etc. Before I left (moved to a different country and he is in the USA) he would always say how we wanted to marry me some day and would sometimes call me his wife and say how he liked the sound of it. Many times he joked about engagement rings. Then I moved home and tried long distance for 3 months. At the beginning of our LDR he said we would be getting married soon and that LDR wouldnt be so bad because of that reason. Him and I have always been inseparable we did everything together and not get bored we became best friends, so our LDR was rough. Those 3 months were hell, we would be so sad because we missed each other so much. Around the 2nd month of doing long distance we talked about breaking up because he said he no longer felt ready to marry me(which is the only way I could go back to the US and be with him) he said he felt pressured even tho I said I was willing to wait for him because he said LD was making him doubt what he felt for me. We didnt break up and I ended up visiting him. He said his old feelings were back and he was so happy to be with me and didnt want me to leave. However, he said again he wasnt ready for marriage but that we could keep doing long distance bc we figured if we saw each other every 2-3 months it would be bearable. However, after my visit our LDR became tougher. We were fighting more and all because of how sad we were we couldn’t be together. He said even tho I wasn’t pressuring him to marry me he still felt pressured and didnt know if he would ever be ready for marriage even though he said he wanted to marry me. He broke up with me and said he loves me and wants to be with me but marriage is not the right way to go bc he isn’t ready and later said he wasnt sure of what he felt. He said he wanted space and time to find himself and figure out what he wanted. He is also going to grad school soon and said he wouldnt have much time for me and we’re both young we are 23 years old. He said maybe not talking would make him realize i’m all he wants and would want to get back together. We haven’t talked since and we ended on good terms we agreed to always being there for each other and loving each other always. I just know we are meant to be so I want to get him back. I just don’t know what to do when he knows how happy he is with me but says he doesn’t want to keep doing long distance because its too hard and too much effort. What advice can you give me? Is there a chance of us getting back together? Should I keep the no contact rule?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 9, 2019 at 7:33 pm

      Hi Mary, so yes keep to the No Contact rule, read about it and the work you need to put into it and make sure you do it. And then also read about long distance relationships and how they work when you are trying to get back with your ex. All this information can be found on the website so you dont have to look too far. Give the quiz a go for an idea of your chances, and then start working on becoming Ungettable Girl

  9. Avatar

    Sofia

    October 27, 2019 at 1:05 pm

    Hello Chris,

    Me and my bf dated for 3 years, we broke up a couple of times after huge fights but got back immediately after. After 2 years I moved to SF to go to school, the first semester was fine because I would fly home every month and we even met in Maui for his birthday (amazing weekend). Second semester started to get tough since I started a job and an internship so, we would see each other a little bit less. I made a surprise visit for his graduation and everything was fine, then we drove back together and he visited me right before I started my semester abroad in Europe. The first month in Europe was fine he was supposed to visit in November, then all of a sudden a month ago he asked for some time off, out of the blue. Honestly it was hard for me due to homesickness and other things. I was sad the entire month and I would tell him how I felt. A few days ago we talked over the phone, and that was it. I said he could no longer do this, that stuff at work is tough and wanted to be alone for awhile. We both got mad and said some stuff. Last night we had to talk because of a ticket I had to buy so, I had to talk to him. We talked and I got a bit emotional hearing his voice, and even though I was feeling a little better I told him that what he said the other day hurt me a lot, and that I deserved an explanation. He said he didn’t want to talk about it again. But, eventually he did. He restated that even though we’re meeting in a couple of months when I go home, we won’t get back together, that this is definite because he doesn’t see. a future with me. And said that all the reasons were still there but, now he said that he felt lonely and unsupported which doesn’t make sense because I was always there helping him out, I was just not physically there, and that he found comfort and support through this colleague of his. And I told him that it was extremely unfair because I did everything in my power to be there for him. He said that nothing has happened, and that he doesn’t know if anything is going to happen because they work together but that he might like for something to happen. I got so angry and felt so hurt and told him that he should at least wait until we see each other before trying something with this girl (which is the complete opposite of me). Now, I’m really trying to get out there, and enjoy my studies here. But, I think this is the worst timing ever. I don’t know if he’s just saying these things to keep me away; I just want to know why he’s doing this.

  10. Avatar

    Alicia

    October 10, 2019 at 5:01 pm

    My ex and I were together for 7 years living an hour and a half away from each other. I initiated a break up with him and tried to fix it but now he claims that he doesn’t want to move for me even though he always said he was going to. I just don’t know what to do because I feel like we were great for each other and the relationship has ended over something that was constantly discussed and always seemed like we were in agreement that he was moving to where I live. He reached out when he was drunk one night saying I love you and when I questioned him about it he commented that the truth comes out when you’re drunk. I asked him not to do it again. He then asked if I would be fine talking to him If he were to reach out when he’s sober and I said it’s fine but there’s no purpose if nothing is going to change. I’m just so confused and don’t know what his intentions are. This is ultimately his decision.

  11. Avatar

    Breda

    October 8, 2019 at 7:48 pm

    Dear Chris,
    I hope this email finds you well. As you probably know, I am emailing because of an LDR break up that I went through, and am still going through. I am finding the break up particularly difficult for a number of reasons – 1). Being that this man was the only one I ever had real interest in and who I felt was right to start a relationship with; 2). Considering the fact that I don’t let people in easily or give myself away to anybody, only him, I was 100% sure that we would spend our lives together (we talked about marriage and moving for each other) and that it would only ever be with him, and as a result of the break up I feel robbed of many things – not by him, but by the universe really 3). I don’t know why the relationship ended. I saw it coming although I hoped I was wrong and that we could work things out and get back to a place where we were out usual selves – we were best friends, talked about marriage, could act like kids together, and everybody we knew commented specifically how suited we were for each other, and we knew it too. Everybody could see it.
    There are many other reasons also. This relationship was also a long distant relationship. I am Irish living in Ireland, he is American living in New Hampshire.
    I didn’t want this relationship to end. It ended about three months ago while I was in America. I cut my trip short and came home for obvious reasons. Given the distance, the relationship was always a risk to begin with, but our love for each other was so strong. I can’t be sure but I think that depression as a result of the distance/ cold feet in terms of moving country / past issues regarding parents’ divorce not being dealt with ended up getting the better of him and he felt that the best thing to do was end it. I too had my doubts, I was scared about moving country, but I was willing to hold on to out relationship, because I loved him so much. I still do – and these three months with zero contact has made me realise just how much I love him and miss him. I am missing him in the past couple of weeks more that I ever was and I think that it’s because the reality of the break up hase finally struck me.
    I want to know if there is a way to make it work. I am afraid to get on contact with him because I don’t want to get my hopes up just to have my healing and hurting heart broken all over again. I am waiting to see if he contacts me first, but it has been three months with zero contact – I should point out that he wanted to remain friends, but I wanted no contact because I would have been hoping that he would talk to me, unsure if he would, and I didn’t want to put myself though that hurt of waiting for something that may or may not happen.
    I truly feel that we are meant to be. I think that weeks of no contact has helped me to grow and mature and realise how much I love him. I have no idea how he feels since we are not in contact – another reason why I am reluctant to contact him is because I don’t want to hear that he is over me and doesn’t want to be with me – and I’m not sure if this is just my hopes talking, but given the true genuine connection we had I feel that he will always carry me with him, as I will him.
    I’m not sure how you can help me in this situation. I am just unsure as to what I should do in this situation.
    Kind regards,
    Breda

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 9, 2019 at 10:58 pm

      Hi Breda, So until you know what you want to do there isn’t much advice I can give you. If you want him back look up the Long distance relationship advice and if not then you should look at moving on strategies

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    Lola

    September 12, 2019 at 4:41 am

    Hello Chris,
    I really need help. My ex and I were a long distance relationship for a year and two months, he lives an hour and a half away but we both do not have form of transportation to each other, he is also always busy with work or church. He goes to church 5 days out of the week, and 2 months ago this girl started going to his church and has been reaching out to him, really trying to pursue him. I politely asked her to respect our relationship and she didn’t, multiple occasions I found him texting her secretly or just responding to her messages after i asked him not to because obviously she wanted to be in a relationship with him(she was very flirty and sexual.) Now he told me about 2 weeks and a half ago that he doesn’t want to keep hurting me anymore and that he doesn’t think we should continue the relationship( “It’s not you it’s me” ) I wasn’t texting him as much in those two weeks, but just this Monday I called him and asked him what was the verdict because I had been on a sort of standby which I know I didn’t deserve, he told me he has hopeful for the future but doesn’t want to lead me on, obviously he wants to be with her. I asked him if we can talk about this in person and he says he doesn’t want to see me and feels ashamed of what he is doing with that girl and that if does see me he will not be able to tell me anything. He also told me they already kissed in those two weeks that we had not been talking… I honestly love him, I don’t know what to do. I get my license this month and he gets his car as well, so i still have that hope for us. How do I know he will come back when he clearly is and wants to be with someone else? She is very persistent in a way I knew this was gonna happen but I’m heartbroken and confused, please help.

    1. Shaunna

      Shaunna

      September 12, 2019 at 8:07 pm

      Lola, it sounds like he has grass is greener syndrome. Take some time reading about this and working on yourself to be the Ungettable girl. Show him through using social media how great you are and what hes missing out on. Complete your NC of at least 30 days before reaching out to him again.

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    ranmi

    August 18, 2019 at 12:12 pm

    Just 2 weeks after he took me to his sister’s place he broke up with me over our normal arguments. l still love him, he picks up my calls and return missed calls, he will reply my messages online yet he wants a break up and want to friend zone me which l won’t accept to be. m practising Nc just for a week now but believe me it’s like a year. Distance between us is very far however l couldn’t stop loving him.

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    lola

    July 10, 2019 at 2:04 am

    I am worried that if I do no contact he will truly disappear and forget about me.

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    james

    July 8, 2019 at 5:54 pm

    My boyfriend and I were in a serious relationship for 4 months, but then we both left the school we were both studying at. We tried long distance for a month (he rarely called me during this time – maybe twice a week) and then I visited him for a week. At the end of the visit he broke up with me because he did not want to be limited senior year and said he’s bad at facetiming and I’ll just end up mad at him again. He said that he may want to get back together in a couple of weeks though… what do I do?

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    Nina

    June 18, 2019 at 8:12 am

    Hey Chris!

    He broke up with me 2 months ago saying he wasn’t feeling it anymore, that he still cares for me and loves me, but isn’t in love with me. We were doing long distance for a year and two months. After the breakup we continued talking but didnt have any full conversations, after a month on my birthday he all of a sudden said he still cares for me and doesn’t want me to do anything stupid, he was basically jealous and scared I was moving on. After that he initiated more conversations. He also started mentioning sex which I declined. Then we had a really nice talk but I said i had to go and ended the conversation at the high point. The next day we talked the whole day. He was telling me what he was doing and how was college going without me asking for it. And i think i slipped there. He said smth about sex which i said “i wish” on which he reacted in the way that showed me he wasn’t sure if i wanted it and now i said i did. But it was all flirty and childlish/ easy going and all. The day after he was “bussy”, wasn’t replying and said he was with friends. Day after that i was devastated. Crying the whole day and all and I did a mistake, I showed him those negative emotions. Day after we talked normally, but i mentioned our relationship on which he didnt respond positively. That same day he left me on read after he commented smth about what i posted on instagram. That was the first time he left me on read. Day after i texted him at 1 in the morning on why he didnt reply, he was rude/distant towards me on which i said “okay if i deserve that kind of an end to communication” he said “its not the end its just less talking” on which i didnt reply, few minutes later he said “hmm okay” and again i didn’t reply. And now I’m doing NC since 2 days ago.
    I did a huge step back I know, we were moving forward and I did all right things before this past few days. Is there still hope? Can I turn this situation around again?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 18, 2019 at 3:14 pm

      Hi Nina….so I think No Contact, if practiced the way I teach in my Program, is a step in the right direction.

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    Claire P

    May 7, 2019 at 11:14 am

    very interesting guide to getting back together with your long distance ex. & looks like it will really work.

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    monika

    May 7, 2019 at 9:26 am

    hello
    i commented but i cant see it

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    Monika

    May 7, 2019 at 9:22 am

    My ex broke up with me because of distance. It was a serious relationship and I still love him. We even want to marry each other in the future. He’s in Croatia and im in London.
    What do I do?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 7, 2019 at 8:00 pm

      Hi Monika…probably best now to make sure you have a sensible ex recovery plan in place so you can optimize your chances as well as begin the process of healing.

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    Mel

    March 27, 2019 at 10:25 pm

    Hi, I have been searching the internet for any similar case as mine but alas. I got divorced in 2001 and about a year later started a relationship with a co worker. We dated for about a year and things got complicated because I had young kids and he was feeling lonely and that it was over so he went away with a friend for the week end and felt another woman’s boobs! It was over after that, I dated someone else and he met someone else, she fell pregnant and they got married. We eventually ended up friends and he even brought his daughter as a baby to my house. In the meantime I met someone in North America through my sister, we got married and I moved across the world! We remained friends and he told me how unhappy he was with his wife, I supported him and we were genuine friends. 2 years ago I went home as I do every two years and we met up and hang out and he said he had loved me all these years and blah blah he hinted that I was always the one. Fast forward two years I went back home and I asked if I could spend my first night at his place as I had booked my accommodation really by accident a day short. We crossed the line, We are both divorced. Anyway we had a three week affair and it continued after I came home. About a month in he starts talking to a woman at work and they just “gel” he was always talking to her instead of me and of course I’m not an idiot I put it together and I broke it off, went nc after I had wished him well and nothing but the best. 11 days later I asked him to call and he said yes there was nothing going on 11 days prior but now there had and u said good for u shouldn’t be alone, don’t wait for me… he is obviously crazy about her and I find myself wanting it to work and not wanting it to work at the same time. He said we will always be friends and I said yes. He had been leading me on and texting just to keep the line open after he had met her. I’m not upset about the other woman but about how he led me on. Then the day after we spoke he puts on fb that he’s in a relationship, I immediately blocked him on whatsapp and fb. I was crushed he made me do all the hard work by ending it, wishing him well, which was so hard and then it’s on fb the next day. I thought didnit mean nothing to Him Knowing I’m a friend in his fb and I’ll see it. It’s been a week and I’m still nc. I will not contact him first. Also he owes me money and the clothes he wears I bought him because it’s cheaper here and it was for a friend. I felt all the feelings of 18 years ago come back and he was lying to me about how he felt. I’m crushed. He met her at most 3 months ago and started the relationship at most 6 weeks ago. And she’s beautiful, she’s 50 he’s 59 and I’m 49, I don’t have time for this crap. I have two books he lent me when I was there and a photo I’ll be there again in December should I drop it off at his office or should I contact him or would it be too obvious I’m still in love with him. I’m mostly sad I’ve lost a friend but if I’m honest I do love him. He chose her and they just met.

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