Question: Who do you think the best person to listen to is when it comes to getting your ex back if you are a single mother and share that child with your ex?
Is it me, Chris Seiter, a man who has never been a single mother?
( I am a man, hello?)
Or is it a woman who is a single mother who has successfully gotten her ex back?
I don’t think it takes rocket science to figure this one out.
Now, some of you may remember Shauna who I conducted an interview with a few weeks ago. Well, she was kind enough to write a post on her experience for you guys.
In other words, this is what worked for her to get her ex back!
Getting your ex back when you have children together is going to be emotionally challenging as there is more than just the two of you involved,
You have to focus on your children too…
When you become a mother there is truly no better job. It is rewarding in many ways but what no one tells you about becoming a single mother is that it can be challenging, exhausting, lonely and just plain hard.
Now, when it comes to your ex your biggest advantage is that you have already been a family and you probably know him better than most people do.
Ultimately, the end goal here is to make his life as difficult as possible without you and your children.
You truly want to make him regret leaving you.
And in order to do that you have to make some positive changes to yourself and execute some tough actions to make him see you as everything he actually wants.
Limited No Contact
The first step towards making your ex regret his decision to leave you and your children is to implement a period of limited contact.
Now, what is limited contact?
I am so glad you asked,
It means you literally only speak to him about your children, regarding their health, pick up and drop off times or if there is some type of emergency. Basically you are only talking to him about the children and nothing else.
A lot of people think that because they are in a limited contact period they should be messaging their ex about what they’re doing with the children today.
All that will accomplish is making him think that he is still a part of your life and often times men won’t take the actions that you want them to take if they are comfortable.
Remember what I said at the beginning of the article?
About how it’s important that he feels miserable without you?
But don’t forget that the limited contact is for you as well as him; it lets him miss you and the children and also gives him time to realize what he has lost.
In addition, it lets you grow too, heal from the break up, focus on yourself and what you need to do to make yourself happy again without him.
That’s a scary notion, isn’t it?
Being happy without him.
Actually, being happy without him in your life is real progress to becoming what I like to call an ungettable girl.
But don’t let the simplicity of “limited contact” fool you.
It’s going to be tough; you have to be hard on yourself to not reply to any messages that don’t involve your children.
Limit what you’re willing to discuss with him, he isn’t in your life anymore and he’s about to become a part time parent in your child’s lives too.
By limiting information he will begin to feel like he is missing out.
Don’t forget, you have an advantage here of him missing your family life, he just lost sight of that when you broke up and was hurt or angry.
Now, this brings up an interesting question.
How long should the “limited no contact period” be for?
How Long Should The Limited No Contact Be?
Generally speaking, there are three time frames that are acceptable for LC (limited contact,)
- The 21 Day Rule
- The 30 Day Rule
- The 45 Day Rule
How long you choose to stay in limited contact is up to you but as a baseline I would recommend starting for around 30 days.
And remember, this no contact period is best time to work on you,
Work out and focus on yourself!
Try and remember what you enjoyed doing before you met him!
Generally when you get into a relationship you change, but when you have children with that person, you change even more; it becomes your whole world.
The biggest mistake I made when I became a mother is I stopped being everything else.
- I wasn’t a girlfriend
- I wasn’t a care free/fun person
- I focused solely on my children and their needs.
I neglected my relationships with my family, partner, friends, even my own needs.
It’s ok to pamper, treat and love yourself again. Do the things you enjoyed doing before you had the children. Focus on the relationships around you, friends, family and your bond with your children.
They will be hurting too!
Now, the best part of this limited contact is that it forces you to become this independent, strong and confident single mother who handles her life all by herself.
There is something so empowering knowing you’re doing it all without him. It feels like you’ve grown so much more than when you were almost relying on him, even if it was only emotionally.
If you can reach a point where your life is just fine without him and you and your children are happy, then that means you’re doing it right.
Limited Contact – What To Do When He’s Around
Having children with your ex means you undoubtably will have to see him from time to time. Try not to allow it to be too often, remember, he needs to miss the children and you for him to value you all again.
When he comes to pick up the children or drop them off I want you to go out of your way to make sure that you always look good, happy and like you’re about to go somewhere.
This will give him the impression that you’re doing just fine and that you are moving on with your life.
It feels unnatural to let your ex think you’re happier without them, but it makes them worry and question what is making you so much happier without them.
And if you can do that they will begin to rethink their reasoning for why they left in the first place.
Now, I am going to get controversial here for a second.
When we become mothers, some of us do let ourselves go slightly due to the baby taking up so much of our time, being exhausted and let’s not forget to mention if you have a less than helpful family or partner.
In these cases it’s even harder to look good and feel good. But you need to force yourself; it makes a world of difference to your self-esteem and confidence.
When he does speak to you, control yourself.
There is no need for talk about your previous relationship and do your best to steer clear of any emotional talk and certainly no tears.
I want you to appear to be happy and civil, you do not answer to him so there is no need to tell him where you’re going, if you’ve dated or who you’re with…
But let’s say that he does confront you.
Let’s say that he asks you,
“Hey (insert name) where are you going?”
The simple answer you should give him is “Oh I’m just going out for the day”, he does not need to know any more than that.
If you don’t show yourself respect he won’t show any either.
Just because you want this man back, it does not make you his doormat, so do not bend over backwards to please him, stand your ground and be firm with what you agree and expect from him as the father of your children, including financial help.
It won’t push him away from coming back; it just sets the record straight that he must provide for his child and just because he’s not living in the family home anymore doesn’t mean he doesn’t mean he shouldn’t help take care of them.
(Now, if he refuses to provide for the children, given that he will probably have them less than 3 nights a week then seek legal advice in your local area.)
Go On A Date With Someone Else
After having children with someone, moving on and dating someone new will feel very strange to you. After all, you’ve had this person in your life for a long time and have probably gone through some special moments.
So, inviting someone new into your life is a big step for some women.
Remember you’re not dating to find the next love of your life; you’re doing it to meet new people, help you to heal and move on from the break up.
And make no mistake about it, if your ex finds out that you’ve dated someone else then he isn’t going to be happy about it. Most likely, he will have a reaction and his mind will go into over drive.
Even if he shows it or not he’s probably not going to like you dating someone new.
This new man has the chance of eventually meeting his children.
No man wants to be replaced…
And you’ll be surprised at how a man will react when he thinks he can be.
Now, when you have children it is harder to date and socialize if you don’t have anyone to depend on to look after the children now and again, but you need to make the most of your alone time when they’re with their father.
In other words, the correct play is to let your ex watch the kids as you go out on a date.
This will further hit home on the fact that he can be replaced and it will force him to take a good hard look at his decision.
I forced myself to go on a few dates during my break up, I met three new men, each different than the last.
The goal was to heal from the break up. And it truly worked. It changed my attitude towards my ex straight away and I stopped looking at him and longing for him.
I thought ok I love you, but I am doing just fine without you now.
That change in attitude obviously worked as he soon had a big change in his attitude and the way he was with me.
The Ungettable Mamma
As I mentioned before, it is pretty common for mothers to let themselves go slightly when they have children.
I mean, we’re busy ladies after all with the house work, children to take care of, working on our careers, teachers, nurses, cleaners, cooks… you get the idea. We are on call 24/7 and for those of us who have small babies, it can actually be through the night.
If you’re children are anything like mine, it feels like they never sleep.
(Note From Chris: As I was interviewing Shauna for a podcast episode a couple of weeks ago. Her kids interrupted her several times as they were supposed to be asleep. This woman isn’t kidding.)
So the best thing for you is to make a list of things you want for yourself, whether it be to lose weight, change your career, finish an art project, anything that makes you happy and is an interest of yours.
For me it was the way I looked,
- I started working out
- I bought some new make-up
- Got my hair done.
It made a world of difference instantly and then working out became something I did when I needed to pick myself up from the break up.
Find something that makes you forget your pain even if it’s only for a few hours.
One thing that people seem to forget in a break up is that the children are actually losing one of their parents in the family home…
For babies, yes, it will have less of an affect, but for toddlers and older it is hard for them to adjust to the new situation. So you have to focus and find your inner strength to keep going and make sure they are properly cared for.
Your heart may be broken, but they are confused, they don’t understand why one of their parents have left them and why they suddenly aren’t around anymore. So, you do have to try and keep their lives as normal as possible.
As a single mother, the best thing you can do is set order into your life, have a schedule and always plan your days to keep your little ones busy.
If they’re old enough to understand what is going on be honest with them, there is no point hiding the truth from them.
Also the happier and more in control of the situation you are, the better you look in your ex-partners eyes, and if you are sending upset and hurt children to him then he feels like you’re tuning them against him. Whereas if you create a happy loving fun home for them, they’ll be happy to go and return.
I have a baby and a four year old, the baby when my partner first left didn’t want to go to him, he couldn’t get him to sleep at night. I remember at the very beginning I had him calling me saying,
“I can’t calm him down, he’s been crying for hours. Please help me”.
I had to drive 35 minutes to help him settle and calm our baby to sleep.
At first my four year old was happy to go as he was seeing it as a sleep over, but after a few weeks of me sorting myself out and focusing in my children and what made them feel better, my eldest son stopped wanting to go. He would as if he could go to see his dad but come home at night time.
My point here is, make sure your children feel safe, secure and that you are there for them, if they see you falling apart crying and having an attitude of, ‘I can’t do this without him’.
They will sense it and they will lose the confidence in you as their parent and safe place.