Question: Who do you think the best person to listen to is when it comes to getting your ex back if you are a single mother and share that child with your ex?

Is it me, Chris Seiter, a man who has never been a single mother?

( I am a man, hello?)

Or is it a woman who is a single mother who has successfully gotten her ex back?

I don’t think it takes rocket science to figure this one out.

Now, some of you may remember Shauna who I conducted an interview with a few weeks ago. Well, she was kind enough to write a post on her experience for you guys.

In other words, this is what worked for her to get her ex back!

Getting your ex back when you have children together is going to be emotionally challenging as there is more than just the two of you involved,

You have to focus on your children too…

When you become a mother there is truly no better job. It is rewarding in many ways but what no one tells you about becoming a single mother is that it can be challenging, exhausting, lonely and just plain hard.

Now, when it comes to your ex your biggest advantage is that you have already been a family and you probably know him better than most people do.

Ultimately, the end goal here is to make his life as difficult as possible without you and your children.

You truly want to make him regret leaving you.

And in order to do that you have to make some positive changes to yourself and execute some tough actions to make him see you as everything he actually wants.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Limited No Contact

The first step towards making your ex regret his decision to leave you and your children is to implement a period of limited contact.

Now, what is limited contact?

I am so glad you asked,

It means you literally only speak to him about your children, regarding their health, pick up and drop off times or if there is some type of emergency. Basically you are only talking to him about the children and nothing else.

A lot of people think that because they are in a limited contact period they should be messaging their ex about what they’re doing with the children today.

Wrong!

All that will accomplish is making him think that he is still a part of your life and often times men won’t take the actions that you want them to take if they are comfortable.

Remember what I said at the beginning of the article?

About how it’s important that he feels miserable without you?

But don’t forget that the limited contact is for you as well as him; it lets him miss you and the children and also gives him time to realize what he has lost.

In addition, it lets you grow too, heal from the break up, focus on yourself and what you need to do to make yourself happy again without him.

That’s a scary notion, isn’t it?

Being happy without him.

Actually, being happy without him in your life is real progress to becoming what I like to call an ungettable girl.

But don’t let the simplicity of “limited contact” fool you.

It’s going to be tough; you have to be hard on yourself to not reply to any messages that don’t involve your children.

Limit what you’re willing to discuss with him, he isn’t in your life anymore and he’s about to become a part time parent in your child’s lives too.

By limiting information he will begin to feel like he is missing out.

Don’t forget, you have an advantage here of him missing your family life, he just lost sight of that when you broke up and was hurt or angry.

Now, this brings up an interesting question.

How long should the “limited no contact period” be for?

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How Long Should The Limited No Contact Be?

Generally speaking, there are three time frames that are acceptable for LC (limited contact,)

  1. The 21 Day Rule
  2. The 30 Day Rule
  3. The 45 Day Rule

How long you choose to stay in limited contact is up to you but as a baseline I would recommend starting for around 30 days.

And remember, this no contact period is best time to work on you,

Work out and focus on yourself!

Try and remember what you enjoyed doing before you met him!

Generally when you get into a relationship you change, but when you have children with that person, you change even more; it becomes your whole world.

The biggest mistake I made when I became a mother is I stopped being everything else.

  • I wasn’t a girlfriend
  • I wasn’t a care free/fun person
  • I focused solely on my children and their needs.

I neglected my relationships with my family, partner, friends, even my own needs.

It’s ok to pamper, treat and love yourself again. Do the things you enjoyed doing before you had the children. Focus on the relationships around you, friends, family and your bond with your children.

They will be hurting too!

Now, the best part of this limited contact is that it forces you to become this independent, strong and confident single mother who handles her life all by herself.

There is something so empowering knowing you’re doing it all without him. It feels like you’ve grown so much more than when you were almost relying on him, even if it was only emotionally.

If you can reach a point where your life is just fine without him and you and your children are happy, then that means you’re doing it right.

Limited Contact – What To Do When He’s Around

Having children with your ex means you undoubtably will have to see him from time to time. Try not to allow it to be too often, remember, he needs to miss the children and you for him to value you all again.

When he comes to pick up the children or drop them off I want you to go out of your way to make sure that you always look good, happy and like you’re about to go somewhere.

This will give him the impression that you’re doing just fine and that you are moving on with your life.

I know…

I know…

It feels unnatural to let your ex think you’re happier without them, but it makes them worry and question what is making you so much happier without them.

And if you can do that they will begin to rethink their reasoning for why they left in the first place.

Now, I am going to get controversial here for a second.

When we become mothers, some of us do let ourselves go slightly due to the baby taking up so much of our time, being exhausted and let’s not forget to mention if you have a less than helpful family or partner.

In these cases it’s even harder to look good and feel good. But you need to force yourself; it makes a world of difference to your self-esteem and confidence.

When he does speak to you, control yourself.

There is no need for talk about your previous relationship and do your best to steer clear of any emotional talk and certainly no tears.

I want you to appear to be happy and civil, you do not answer to him so there is no need to tell him where you’re going, if you’ve dated or who you’re with…

But let’s say that he does confront you.

Let’s say that he asks you,

“Hey (insert name) where are you going?”

The simple answer you should give him is “Oh I’m just going out for the day”, he does not need to know any more than that.

If you don’t show yourself respect he won’t show any either.

Just because you want this man back, it does not make you his doormat, so do not bend over backwards to please him, stand your ground and be firm with what you agree and expect from him as the father of your children, including financial help.

It won’t push him away from coming back; it just sets the record straight that he must provide for his child and just because he’s not living in the family home anymore doesn’t mean he doesn’t mean he shouldn’t help take care of them.

(Now, if he refuses to provide for the children, given that he will probably have them less than 3 nights a week then seek legal advice in your local area.)

Go On A Date With Someone Else

After having children with someone, moving on and dating someone new will feel very strange to you. After all, you’ve had this person in your life for a long time and have probably gone through some special moments.

So, inviting someone new into your life is a big step for some women.

Remember you’re not dating to find the next love of your life; you’re doing it to meet new people, help you to heal and move on from the break up.

And make no mistake about it, if your ex finds out that you’ve dated someone else then he isn’t going to be happy about it. Most likely, he will have a reaction and his mind will go into over drive.

Even if he shows it or not he’s probably not going to like you dating someone new.

This new man has the chance of eventually meeting his children.

No man wants to be replaced…

And you’ll be surprised at how a man will react when he thinks he can be.

Now, when you have children it is harder to date and socialize if you don’t have anyone to depend on to look after the children now and again, but you need to make the most of your alone time when they’re with their father.

In other words, the correct play is to let your ex watch the kids as you go out on a date.

This will further hit home on the fact that he can be replaced and it will force him to take a good hard look at his decision.

I forced myself to go on a few dates during my break up, I met three new men, each different than the last.

The goal was to heal from the break up. And it truly worked. It changed my attitude towards my ex straight away and I stopped looking at him and longing for him.

I thought ok I love you, but I am doing just fine without you now.

That change in attitude obviously worked as he soon had a big change in his attitude and the way he was with me.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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The Ungettable Mamma

As I mentioned before, it is pretty common for mothers to let themselves go slightly when they have children.

I mean, we’re busy ladies after all with the house work, children to take care of, working on our careers, teachers, nurses, cleaners, cooks… you get the idea. We are on call 24/7 and for those of us who have small babies, it can actually be through the night.

If you’re children are anything like mine, it feels like they never sleep.

(Note From Chris: As I was interviewing Shauna for a podcast episode a couple of weeks ago. Her kids interrupted her several times as they were supposed to be asleep. This woman isn’t kidding.)

So the best thing for you is to make a list of things you want for yourself, whether it be to lose weight, change your career, finish an art project, anything that makes you happy and is an interest of yours.

For me it was the way I looked,

  • I started working out
  • I bought some new make-up
  • Got my hair done.

It made a world of difference instantly and then working out became something I did when I needed to pick myself up from the break up.

Find something that makes you forget your pain even if it’s only for a few hours.

The Children

One thing that people seem to forget in a break up is that the children are actually losing one of their parents in the family home…

For babies, yes, it will have less of an affect, but for toddlers and older it is hard for them to adjust to the new situation. So you have to focus and find your inner strength to keep going and make sure they are properly cared for.

Your heart may be broken, but they are confused, they don’t understand why one of their parents have left them and why they suddenly aren’t around anymore. So, you do have to try and keep their lives as normal as possible.

As a single mother, the best thing you can do is set order into your life, have a schedule and always plan your days to keep your little ones busy.

If they’re old enough to understand what is going on be honest with them, there is no point hiding the truth from them.

Also the happier and more in control of the situation you are, the better you look in your ex-partners eyes, and if you are sending upset and hurt children to him then he feels like you’re tuning them against him. Whereas if you create a happy loving fun home for them, they’ll be happy to go and return.

I have a baby and a four year old, the baby when my partner first left didn’t want to go to him, he couldn’t get him to sleep at night. I remember at the very beginning I had him calling me saying,

“I can’t calm him down, he’s been crying for hours. Please help me”.

I had to drive 35 minutes to help him settle and calm our baby to sleep.

At first my four year old was happy to go as he was seeing it as a sleep over, but after a few weeks of me sorting myself out and focusing in my children and what made them feel better, my eldest son stopped wanting to go. He would as if he could go to see his dad but come home at night time.

My point here is, make sure your children feel safe, secure and that you are there for them, if they see you falling apart crying and having an attitude of, ‘I can’t do this without him’.

They will sense it and they will lose the confidence in you as their parent and safe place.

What to Read Next

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102 thoughts on “How To Get Your Ex Back When You Have A Child With Them”

  1. Avatar

    Star

    May 20, 2020 at 10:12 pm

    I want to follow the limit encounter and less doing stuff for him. And just talk to him about the baby. But sad to say I still continue doing the stuff for him like making the food and washing the clothes because we still together because of the lockdown . I want to see if how he feels like I stop doing things for him but makes me feel conscience if he do it on his own because since then I do everything for him and knowing we live at my place he don’t have family here and he don’t speak the language so I do everything he is british while I’m filipina he has depression and anxiety and knowing that I want him back and still care for him. For now he has chatting someone new online and they plan to meet after lockdown. I’m out of idea how to handle the situation

  2. Avatar

    Hilena Bayne

    April 14, 2020 at 7:16 am

    I would like to try using done of the methods you’ve suggested and see if it helps in my situation. However I think I’ll find it a bit difficult as my daughters dad and I have a great relationship and always on backing each other when it comes to parenting. The down side is we still keep sleeping with each other from time to time and it leaves me feeling frustrated, angry and sad all at the same time!! As he keeps saying he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me but is happy to sleep with me!! That’s really confusing me but I just can’t seem to shift my feelings for him!! Fortunately I’ve never let my feelings get in the way of doing what’s right by our girl and she’s 4.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 14, 2020 at 8:41 am

      Hi Hilena, so when we are doing the NC with an ex with children, we follow the rules of Limited NC. So you can talk to him about your child if, lets say, she got poorly or hurt. Or if he sends a text asking how she is, telling you when he is coming around to see her etc. That’s all fine, but you do not stick around him, remove yourself from their company when he is with her, reply to the fact she is doing well and end the conversation do not reply to anything else. Definitely stop sleeping with him while you are broken up too. He’s getting the best of both worlds and that wont stop when he knows you are going to allow it

  3. Avatar

    Lola jane

    April 9, 2020 at 6:16 pm

    Currently in radio silence with my ex I have only spoke to him with regards to the children! He keeps adding extra bits into his messages trying to engage in conversation it gets some extra response out of me (not about children) but I don’t acknowledge it. If he messages asking what have the children been up to today (with me) should I message him back to tell him is what me and the kids get up to without him here actually any of his business anymore?? Help!! X

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 9, 2020 at 9:13 pm

      Hi Lola, as you share children you need to follow the Limited no contact and remain as civil as you can. As for telling him what you and the children are doing – I not tell him what the children are doing during your LNC but when you are in the texting phase yes I would tell him what you are doing as a family so that he feels he is missing out on time with them and you. Work on the Holy Trinity for yourself during this time too.

  4. Avatar

    Rayray

    February 22, 2020 at 4:22 am

    Hey Guys some help would be appreciated my ex of 13 years about 5 years ago we were having our baby I was affraid financially we would be unable to survive she was working p/t & I was working&college we were already struggling to make ends meet. her mom promised her that she would help her with everything. I was affraid& moved to.my parents but never told her we were done not until about 6 months before our daughter was born. I found out she had started talking to a new guy she had met at her work. I wasn’t sure if she was telling me the truth about when she met the guy. We lived in the same house until our daughter was born&she moved with in with her mom. I bought her a car so she could get around. about 6 months later she was very unhappy living with her mom&brother& I told her to move out &ill take care of things.for the next 3 year’s I worked full time stopped going to college to take care of the bills. she kept saying the guy from before was just helping her&she had no feelings for him& I was all that matter. A Few times I found out she had gone out with him on our birthdays and it’s only couple days apart. I was very upset said mean things to her & said if she wants to play house with this guy then they can move in a house together&we can split my daughters time together. 2 years ago we decided to give things another chance she was nice at first but I had feeling she was having this guy over after I left everynight so I took her on a vacation we came back we were getting closer& new year Eve she was cold to.me & I went to the house long behold the guy was there and she was upset that I went there and I gave her ultimatum she said it was over. When I tell her to move out she says I’m pushing her over to the guy when I want to spend time with her work on things she says it’s too late now but when I don’t contact her she wants to make plans and spend time with our daughter but won’t let us figure out timing with my daughter so she can move on with her life and j can do the same things with mine. It seems as she wants me to be around to take care of things financially since she says the other guy is kid and not a grown up but when we have an argument she says she hates me and she can’t believe how she wasted the past 5 years not moving out with someone that was helping her raising our daughter I completely don’t understand what is she looking for whether she wants to actually move on with her life or not I love her and I don’t want her to beforced into making a decision that she doesn’t want to make but she is giving me less and less of choice as she wants me to be okay with her just calling me and wanting me to just show up but if I do that I’m forcing myself and my time on them and that she needs to.move on and start her life I told her multiple times I want to figure things out and make a happy family for our daughter but the answer I got was I’ve made too many mistakes and it’s too late now. Please give me some advice. Thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 3, 2020 at 9:18 pm

      Hi Ray it sounds as if she is using you financially, so I would make sure that you take care of your daughter not her. So do not pay her bills etc that’s her position. You pay something called child maintenance which is supposed to be to feed and clothe the child. If she has no secure home if you stop providing so much to her then you are able to take your daughter on full time.

  5. Avatar

    Nicola

    February 3, 2020 at 2:24 pm

    So I broke up with my ex 7 months ago, we stayed friends and even though we knew it wssnt going to work I believed we were in a good place. He was asking me to go on trips weeks ago. All of a sudden he started being weird and I confronted him asking If there was someone else, he told me there was. Thay he has been talking to a girl for a few weeks but doesnt know how he feels about it. After a huge fight in front of the kids where we both called each other awful things he told me he will never be with me ever again. Even days later and he is saying the same. Says he cant forgive me and that he doesnt even wanna talk to me. Of course I’m heartbroken, our daughter is only 1. He has 2 other kids and I have another 1. I know to give space but I find it so hard. I feel I’m just pushing him into this other girls arms. Do I need to accept its over for good or that hes just hurt right now?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 11, 2020 at 11:43 pm

      Hey Nicola, I wouldnt say that you have to accept it is over, you have to read and follow the being there method information and the Ungettable information. Right now he is upset and hurt about that argument and then how you were name calling. The thing with the new woman is going to be more appealing as it takes owrk to make a long term relationship work. But giving that you do the Ungettable girl and the being there method work properly youll being to make the new woman feel intimidated. Also dont rule out casually dating either

  6. Avatar

    Tommy

    January 24, 2020 at 7:43 pm

    Hey guys in was with my girlfriend for 2 years and we have a 1 year old son and we broke up just before xmas and she said that I pushed her away buy nit being the best dad and not a good boyfriend either and I’ve taken all that into account and I’ve changed how I am with my son majorly and in nit sure if just being friends with her will help does anyone have any advice to help me reconnect she said she doesn’t feel like she used too HELP!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 25, 2020 at 10:37 pm

      Hey Tommy, so its good you have learnt your lesson and being a good dad. As a mother I suggest you stick to being consistent with your child and maintain a friendship with your ex where you flirt and see what sort of response you get from her. Start texting phase and attracting her again showing you are who she wanted you to be the first time around

  7. Avatar

    Sarah

    January 13, 2020 at 2:12 pm

    We dated on and off for five years and when I found out I was pregnant he had just left me and he had moved out into his own place was already starting to date. I was devasted and spent most of my pregnancy alone. He came around towards the end and wanted to be involved, so I let him. My parents helped me buy a house and I let him move in- he offered to help split the bills. Two months after our son was born, my father committed suicide in front of my mother and my whole family shattered. I fell into a deep depression and clung to the baby as a distraction from the harsh reality. My mom had to relocate to be with her family and was 2,000 miles away leaving me with no family in the state. A month later, he proposed and his family began pressuring me to plan this wedding. I was stressed and depressed grieving and juggling taking care of the baby all the time and little support from him the last thing I wanted to do was plan a big wedding. After a heated argument about finances and being burnt out from him never being there or caring he threatened to take my baby from me and allow his mother to raise him as his family did with his brothers child. His family is extremely wealthy and I was scared. I packed up the baby and left to be with my mom 2,000 miles away. My mom welcomed us open armed and we are surrounded by family. I got a job at a daycare the baby comes to with me, found my own place to rent, and I have established myself here. I know it wasn’t right but I cut off communication with him for 2 months. He hired 2 big wig attorneys and we entered a nasty custody battle about 3 months after leaving him. We are halfway through the process and our son is now 20 months old and being forced to travel back and forth by plane once a month for 5 days of parenting time with his dad- or grandma who is playing house with my baby. It has been so expensive and emotionally draining going through this process. I am so sad my son will have to live his life in an airport and that eventually go for longer periods of time. I recently initiated contact with his dad apologizing for how it all happened and asking him if there’s anyway to fix our relationship and be a family for the babys sake. He said so much damage is done, his family hates me, and he needs space. He said he doesn’t want another man raising his son but isn’t willing to be in a relationship with me after what I did. He asked me to move back, but just for him to have more time with the baby not to be together. I have no support there which is why I left in the first place. My heart hurts at the pain I caused and I am torn on what I should do. Do I continue trying to fix the relationship that’s in ruins during this custody battle or do I respect his request for space and leave it alone? I was hoping he would want his family back and would do whatever it took to get us back and that just doesn’t seem to be the case.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 17, 2020 at 10:07 pm

      Hey Sarah, so you need to do something called limited no contact where you only speak during your custody case and when you need to about the child. If you want to get your ex back then you are going to have to try and control your emotions and deal with this situation as controlled as you can.

  8. Avatar

    Em

    December 17, 2019 at 4:40 am

    My ex and I broke up almost a full year ago. We share a young child together but when we split up, he moved out and moved back to his home state. It was a crazy impulsive break up but he kind of made everything impossible by moving so far. We had communication issues throughout our relationship but now they’ve become worse and worse. In the last year he has blocked me multiple times, he’s been really hot and cold with me, he’s had a couple of flings, I’ve stayed completely single and focused on him and on raising our son. Being totally honest.. I have done a really shitty job of playing it cool with him and not letting my emotions take over. I’ve acted like a psycho a few times but he’s always come back around to me. I last saw him in September at our sons birthday party and he came in town for a week to visit. During the week he stayed with us and acted as if we never split. Telling me he loved me and never wanted to leave, that he wanted to make things work and he wanted to move back to be with us when/if he could figure out transferring his work here. Well one night I got upset with him and over did it with calling and texting and he blocked me. That was end of October. Now 2 months later…. he has a girlfriend and will not speak to me. He has emailed a few times regarding our son but that’s it he says he wants nothing to do with me. My question is… what do I do now? I know to go no contact, which I did 2 weeks but then broke it and now have been NC a week so far. Or “limited” contact since we share a child. But how do I get him to notice me again? How do I get him interested in me and how do I pull him closer and want to talk to me again after the NC period if he’s got a girlfriend and if we never see eachother bc we live in different states? I’m at a total loss but this guy is my HEART and soul. Love him like no other please help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 22, 2019 at 10:38 am

      Hi Em, so you need to read about how to get an ex back who is long distance and apply that to your situation. You KNOW you will see him again because you share a child so during the time he is not around you have that time to work on yourself and your emotional control specifically. Keep to no contact and allow him to reach out to you about your child. It would also benefit you to do the being there method or read about it, ready for when he next comes down as the new girlfriend is going to be worried about you when he comes to visit your son

  9. Avatar

    Jac

    December 9, 2019 at 1:58 pm

    Hi,

    The father of my 2 children (8 & 3) left me 6 weeks ago after 11 years.
    We were really young when we met (17). He says we have drifted apart and are different people now. He’s angry that I didn’t do anything for our relationship in terms of going away with him alone, ‘date nights’. He did used to try and I would make an excuse about my youngest (she was a very difficult baby up multiple times a night, and also I had separation anxiety/depression). He said hes been feeling this way for a few years and I knew this yet I still didn’t put the effort in.

    Hes currently staying at his mothers house and I am in our home with the children. He still comes over a lot to put the girls to bed after work and takes them out on the weekends. I spent the first 5 weeks begging and crying to him to come back. He also told me along this time he was unsure about what to do but I just haven’t given him any space (which I now realise) but he also said he doesn’t think we have a future together. Im worried this has gone too far now. I am really struggling with the fact Christmas is around the corner too and we have lots of plans coming up.

    I want him back and I was our family back together. I’m not sure where to go from here?
    As I said before things were looking up a bit, then he freaked out again. We haven’t had the perfect relationship but I want to make this work.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 9, 2019 at 7:36 pm

      Hi Jac this is tough as your ex feels like you didn’t care about the relationship. When we become parents we fall into a pattern of being “Mam and Dad” and stop being partners. So it is not your fault that you got separation anxiety, but you should have been given some help to deal with that. Its tough going being married and keeping the relationship alive and being full time parent too. Especially with ones who do not sleep over night (I know that feeling well)

      Your ex asking for space, you need to respect that and give it to him as he needs to miss you. Even though he says he doesn’t see a future he has invested 11 years into you so the words are just how he is feeling things are at this time. The past memories you share is going to over take that when he has had some time to think. Some SPACE. So make sure you keep to a limited no contact, and when he does have your children you have time to show him you are working on becoming the person you were before you had children the person who used to go out on date nights and have fun with him

  10. Avatar

    Domenic

    November 24, 2019 at 7:42 pm

    When is it time to give up?

    My (28m) ex gf (25f) have been separated for over 8 months.

    We share a daughter who’s our life. And we have a good bond as co parents, and friends.

    She moved on very quick. I understand now, she fell in love. It happens. She’s been seeing this guy for 6 month. He’s met my daughter, I’ve met him, he seems cool and I’m happy for her.

    We split because she was tired of waiting for me to change. After the birth of our daughter 4 year ago, I lost my way. I guess life felt to much and I forgot about her. I strayed a few times. There was a lot of lies. It was emotionally toxic for both of us for a couple years.

    Anyways, and this is a shock to me too, but I genuinely have changed. Like, I just seemed to stop wanting to do the things that was destroying my relationship. I spent my entire 20’s with this girl, and now I’m like ok, nearly 30 let’s be serious and focus.

    She’s noticed this. Says it’s frustrating I seem to be changing now.

    Anyways she’s happy! And I’m not ready to invest in someone new yet. Like unless someone walks into my life and wows me. No one knows for sure.

    Look, this girl still confides in me. Things she’s upset about, things she won’t talk to her boyfriend about right away. She said she’s grieving the loss of her family atm ( me).
    I’m not shocked, she moved on very quickly and I was left to really think about my life and decisions. It was a horrible 6 or so months, but I got there and it’s grown me massively while she was having so much fun. I felt like I didn’t matter to her at all. But I understand this to, my actions over the years made her feel the same.

    I love this girl deeply. I always will I think. Everyone has that one person they hurt and wish they could start a fresh. Well she’s mine.
    We had something amazing. She knows this also. But enough was enough, I would have never changed without growing alone.

    There is a bond there, deeper than our daughter. She knows this too. But timing is everything and I failed her the first time around.

    When do I give up? Like I’m not Pursuing her. But she knows how I feel. And it’s not hindering my life much by still wanting her. It’s just I’m scared to not want her anymore and that might happen when I meet someone.
    I genuinely feel like we are meant to be.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 9:37 pm

      Hi Domenic, so even though she knows how you feel youve said you’re not actively pursuing her. The decision you need to make, is do you go for it and risk her rejecting you, or move on. The fear of not wanting her anymore may not go for a long time, and it would probably take you meeting and growing to love a new girl to make it go away. She got with her new boyfriend fairly quickly and it is still in a rebound stage (once it goes over 8months) it can begin to be a serious relationship. The advantage you have with her is history and sharing a daughter. So if you wanted to get her back you could try and use that as opportunities to get her back, but make sure you are doing it because you have changed and want to be a family and serious not just because you dont want her to be with someone else.

  11. Avatar

    Kayleigh

    November 17, 2019 at 4:06 pm

    I was with my ex for around 3 years between 2012-2015. We had a child in 2013, we had one bump in the relationship that we dealt with and recovered from – well or so I thought, I became pregnant with our second child and we broke up soon after his birth due to a string of heavy heated arguments I believe stem back to the broken trust (bump in the road) we ended up in a court battle but shortly after that we actually became close friends again, it was happy and fun and flirty, he took me away for my birthday and took us away as a family. We dated and spent quality time together, apart from living separate I thought we’d become the perfect couple, this was for about 2 years but about 10-12 months ago he distances himself, became hard to get hold off and inattentive and no longer affectionate but I continued to try, I bought him gifts for valentines day and his birthday, I gave him my savings when he was victim to a burglary but turns out in these 10-12 months he’s moved on, I don’t when or why or for how long but I heard whisperings of him dating and I tried making him jealous saying I’d date others but he seemed not bothered and now I found out he’s official with a family friend so it’s highly unlikely a rebound else he’s risking awkwardness if it was a fling or to end etc. Anyway I looked back and figured out i pushed him away, I never made him feel good enough and never returned his love and affection the way he deserved, I feel so heartbroken I made him feel this way but also heartbroken I did it to myself. I tried one last time to ask him on a date but he said it was perhaps inappropriate so I apologised and sent a text for the final time saying I loved him and I was sorry, I wish he hadn’t given up on me or the family but I wish him the best and to only communicate about the children. Have I lost him forever? I’m 7 days into NC and just heard he’s introduced the kids to his new girlfriend, I haven’t reacted (it’s very hard and I’m crying in secret) but I don’t know if I’ve ever got the closure I wanted…. our relationship was almost perfect and had I have let go of my own insecurities and fears I could have made him feel as special as he made me feel, I know I have to work on myself but any help on wether I should hope even a little bit that I can get him back and fix our relationship and our family. He does occasionally make little comments that give me hope but also I could be reading into it.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 11:09 am

      Hi Kayleigh so you need to keep at your NC for a minimum of 30 days, and work on yourself in that time. You’ve acknowledged your insecurities not it is time to work on yourself so that you know your worth and how to be in a relationship and happily. Read about the being there method while you’re in NC and work on showing your ex how much hes missing out on not being with you

  12. Avatar

    Rebecca

    November 13, 2019 at 7:48 pm

    I really need some advice right now.

    So back when I was around 6 months pregnant my partner left me as he had feelings for his ex. I ended up in a really bad place emotionally. Anyway he came back about 1 month before I was due and we sorted things out. Now for the last 6 months he has ended our relationship around 4 times as he says he isn’t happy anymore and then he comes back. So last week he came in from work and done it again and now this time we are definitely over but for me I just dont know what to do right now. I’m very emotional due to postnatal depression and everytime we see each other we argue. Plus we still share a house. Help please

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 13, 2019 at 10:34 pm

      Hi Rebecca, so you need to go speak with someone with your PND and make sure you focus on getting better. There is this thing called Limited NC where you only speak to your ex about the house or baby and if it is important. If not just avoid him in the house as much as possible. Make sure you are showing yourself some love while you are going through this as it is really tough. Focus solely on making you happy so you can happily raise your baby, it is going to be the best thing you do and it will help you get through the dark times too

  13. Avatar

    Ivan

    November 11, 2019 at 12:16 pm

    My gf and I broke up 3 months into her being pregnant. This is the most devastating thing I have ever been through. She says she fell out of love for me because of arguments we’ve had. I moved out a couple of days ago because she wanted me to.

    I didn’t have a father growing up and for my baby I always wanted to have a family where both parents were living together. This breaks my heart because she is set. She has seen me cry and emotionally unstable these past couple of weeks.

    I just need some advice.

    I love her with all of my heart.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 12, 2019 at 9:00 pm

      Hi Ivan, so you need to give her some space, telling her that you are going to be there for the baby no matter what happens. Allowing her to have that mental break from the arguing and the emotional conversations for a little time. even 21 limited NC. Now as much as you want you to be a family because of the baby, a child would be MUCH MUCH happier with two separate parents than two parents under the same roof who are always arguing. To what ever reason you are arguing you need to take a step back and assess this to see if it is a deeper problem or you guys are just not as compatible as you used to be. Suggest couples counselling if you reach a point to speak about a relationship again

  14. Avatar

    Deana

    October 22, 2019 at 5:35 am

    My husband and I were together 20 years. On 2016 he cheated on me a a girl 10 yrs younger then him. She was also he’s aunt co- worker .
    Ever since he cheated on me with he’s aunt co- worker, I stop having a good relationship with he’s family, who knew back then he was cheating . That created fights between us.
    In 2018 he left for a month , he said he wanted a break, that he was tired of the daily routine. Making rude remarks that I need it to loose weight, that we were getting old etc. It Seems to me that he want it someone younger then him. On July 13 , 2019 he left again.
    For 2 months I beg him to come back home, he was rude and told me it was over not to call him back. The 3rd month I did the no contact for 30 days. After the 30 days no contact he called me, for some lame excuse never asked for our kids. He only called to blame me that he left cause of me, once again I beg him to come back home and he said NO, I asked him to go to counseling and he responded that counseling for him it was a bottle of tequila. My kids and I have not heard back from him in 2 weeks. I honestly believe he’s going through mid life crisis.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 22, 2019 at 6:37 pm

      Hi Deana first of all he left because of himself! So do not take the blame for that he had an affair and it caused the relationship break down. If you want him back then you need to create essentially the fear of loss in this man as you are begging for him back eh knows he has you as an option. You need to allow him to feel sorry for himself and work on you becoming a strong woman, work on being the best version of yourself. If you feel that you need to lose weight do so, but do it for you not him. Get your hair done, nails make that small effort to help you feel good about you and DATE go on some casual dates with new men. Doesn’t mean you are moving on from your ex or that you are looking for a new relationship – but it does mean you are moving on with your life in a way that you are not stuck in this sad chapter anymore. If he hears that you are dating and appearing happier without him. He will either sort himself to be with you again or he will be upset that you are not waiting for him. But waiting = he doesnt need to work for you so he wont

  15. Avatar

    nana

    October 16, 2019 at 11:07 am

    what to do when the father of baby left me to go to another country and tells me we are finished and he wants to go on with his life cause I was the worst thing he has ever met and he does not mind if I text or block him and its ok for him whatever I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 16, 2019 at 3:34 pm

      Hi Nana, I would focus on yourself and the baby and wait to see if he comes back to the country there is not much more you can do if he blocked you and moved away. Just attempt to update him regarding the important baby information (baby sexting scan, due date, birth) and if he still ignores you then you know you’ve tried to involve him but definitely work on yourself and be prepared for motherhood (Its the best 😉 )

  16. Avatar

    MJ

    September 23, 2019 at 7:08 pm

    So I’m in a tough situation. My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We have 2 kids. She told me she is unhappy and wants to divorce. She said I haven’t followed through on promises for too long. On top of it she has been unfaithful and is currently seeing the guy. We are under the same roof. While Our relationship was never perfect it had a lot of good which she refuses to see. I did procrastinate or simply not follow through on promises/my word a lot. It’s something I focused on staying true to my word. I’m truly at a loss as nothing I do gets through to her. She has noticed changes and said I’m checking all the boxes. I want her to try and work on the marriage she refuses and says it is too late. I’ve made a ton of positive changes even before she told me she wanted to divorce. We are still under the same roof and are unable to do anything about it. I’ve been really considering the limited no contact policy. I know she still cares for me as she has little lapses where she looks at me a certain way or touches me a certain way. But most of the time she is cold and convinced she wants out. It doesn’t help she is in a relationship with someone else. I’ve always been loving and supportive of her. I want to to have a good plan moving forward. I also have bought the ex recovery book and have been reading it. Could use some advice moving forward.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 26, 2019 at 9:47 pm

      Hi MJ, so I would pop over the the Ex Girlfriend Recovery website and read the articles there and get yourself used to the process, Starting with a LNC I know you’re in the same house and share children it does make it difficult but limit the amount of time you spend with her and talking to her. While she has the other man around, look up the being there method too just so you understand what you need to do after the NC. Meanwhile work on yourself and be the best version of yourself this will show that you are willing to make the changes that would have been needed

  17. Avatar

    AJ

    June 18, 2019 at 12:00 pm

    My partner of 4 years left 3 months ago. We have a 3 year old together. He tells me he loves me and always will, that seeing me upset upsets him, that he doesn’t want to pretend that he hates me when he sees me… but claims we can’t be together. He thinks people can not change.

    I suffered PND for a long time after my daughter was born. We tried for 2 and half years to have baby #2 and because it didn’t happen I sunk deeper into depression. I have only just recently sought help for myself mentally and am feeling a lot better. However I understand that I put a lot of pressure on him as well.

    He is very stubborn and said he can not be together… I know we are both not perfect, but we share an incredible bond, he is a great father but I just can’t shake this pain. I love him so much and want my family back…. Please, please give me some insight because my heart breaks day in and day out.

  18. Avatar

    Kel

    May 29, 2019 at 5:12 pm

    My ex left me & our 2 sons nearly 3 months ago to be with someone else, who has an 18 month old, he moved straight in with her, introduced our boys to her in the first week, so they could tell me, I was devastated for my boys. Anyway he started drinking(hasn’t drank for 10 years), got matching tattoos with her but 2 days ago he messages my private account on YouTube(yes I have a YouTube channel, not famous yet though) he sent a soppy song and messages I was his life and he was sorry, the next day he deleted the messages, left the song and after I asked him if my life with him was a lie he replied it wasn’t a lie and he did love me but time broke it. As you can imagine I’m heartbroken, we’ve been together 11 years and I can’t seem to move on because to be honest I just want him back. I also think he may be going through some mental episode, drink makes him a very angry person and he knows I won’t entertain him when he drinks so do you think he’s staying with this woman to punish me, maybe he thinks I stopped him partying when we were together and she doesn’t care enough to help him. Do you think he will see sense and come back to us?

  19. Avatar

    Unsure

    May 21, 2019 at 11:45 am

    My husband and I have been together for three years. We got married nearly two years ago and we were planning for kids in the future but I got pregnant 6 weeks after we got married. We had a hard time adjusting to the thought of a pending addition to the family as we both had a lot of financial situations to clear. Which added some pressure to our marriage. Shortly after our daughter was born I had postnatal depression and I was not aware of it till later but I tended to take it out on him. He embarked on two affairs which I found out about when our daughter was about three months old. He blamed me and I took the blame. From there a series of different events and struggles lead to me asking him to leave home. It wasn’t what I wanted but we just weren’t on the same page anymore. Unfortunately I’ve been the worse emotional wreck possible, where he has been cool, calm and collected. Asking him to come home, talking to him, not talking to him. The problem was that I didn’t actually have another vent for any of my feelings either. For the past two weeks following a massive argument I will only text him in regards to our child, arrangements, if she’s unwell and sometimes when we are off he asks for updates on her.
    Ultimately I do want my husband to come home but I have no idea what I am doing most days. This is my second marriage and I did not enter into it lightly. I don’t have any additional support and I hate lugging my child back and forth.
    I try to not text him outside of any contact he makes with me unless it’s a picture of our child as if I don’t send them he asks anyway. But I’m not sure what I should be doing here.

  20. Avatar

    Bella

    May 20, 2019 at 10:49 am

    So I just started NC today and this morning he text me good luck as im starting working new job.. do i reply and say thank you or just ignore it.. I have to see him this weekend to drop off our daughter but then go to work.. do i still continue to ignore him if he asks about me or how my new job has been going?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 20, 2019 at 2:49 pm

      I think you stick with the NC Bella, though there are exceptions to when you should break it and reach out. I get into all of that in my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”. Every situation is unique and the NC period will be different for each. So give it some more time and if you have not done so already, pick up my Program (EBR Pro Bundle) as it dives into a lot of the details.

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