Knowing what to say to your ex after a breakup can be difficult.

And as time moves on it won’t get any easier.

The question is,

What are some of the things that you can say to your ex if you want to get them back?

Better yet, what things can you say to get positive results?

Well, that’s exactly what you’re going to learn today in this article!

Things To Say To Your Ex To Get Them Back

What if I were to tell you that there is a very specific way that human beings have conversations with one another.

We talk to people differently based on our relationships with them.

Today in our Private Facebook Group which you can get access to with a purchase of my best selling book I was asked a really interesting question,

Chris, how do you rebuild an intense emotional connection with your ex

Too often people obsess about having the perfect thing to say to an ex but the truth is that there isn’t a magic bullet answer that I can give you.

In the end, it’s all about trust.

The more someone trusts you the more likely they are to establish that emotional bond that you are craving so badly.

But how?

Well, in my experience there are really five things you can say or do to get your ex back,

  1. Small talk
  2. Telling stories
  3. Sharing Opinions
  4. Virgin Ground
  5. Sharing Feelings

Before we get started there is one small concept that I feel is a prerequisite for you to understand before I begin my lecture,

Everything that I am going to cover in this article today is designed to teach you what to say to your ex boyfriend or girlfriend.

Notice how there is a clear trajectory that you need to follow before you start doing something like sharing feelings.

This trajectory exists to create trust and rapport.

Without those things you will most likely fail.

It’s important that you don’t skip to the end of the process before putting work into everything that happens before it.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

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Step One: Small Talk

When I started writing this article I made a statement about conversations.

Do you remember what that statement was?

We talk to people differently based on our relationships with them.

You don’t just walk up to a stranger and begin telling them that you find them attractive and imagined having sex with them a few minutes ago.

That would be really creepy.

Instead, you typically talk to strangers about very non controversial broad topics.

In other words, small talk.

Small talk is all about building a witty rapport with an individual.

Getting comfortable together.

It isn’t about trying to sleep with the stranger.

It isn’t about trying to convince the stranger that you are the one for them.

It’s completely innocent.

Typical small talk topics include,

  • Weather
  • Sporting events
  • Very basic non controversial current events
  • Obvious observations about what is going on around you
  • Questions about location

Quite frankly, small talk is kind of boring but its purpose is to get your partner comfortable with talking to you.

Basically get into the groove of talking to each other.

Once you have a small foundation built with small talk it’s time to move on to the next step.

Step Two: Telling Stories

Generally speaking you aren’t going to tell a long winded story to someone you just met five minutes ago.

Why?

Well, it’s probably because you aren’t comfortable (which is why small talk is essential.)

Usually you are only going to tell stories to your friends, family or romantic partners.

The interesting thing about stories is that you tell different types of stories to people based on the level of trust they’ve received from you over the years.

For example, I’ll tell one story to my friends that I wouldn’t normally tell a stranger.

I’ll tell another type of story to my parents that I wouldn’t ever tell my friends or strangers.

And finally, I’ll tell different type of story to my wife that I wouldn’t ever tell my parents, friends or strangers.

You’re interested in the type of story you’d tell a romantic partner, aren’t you?

Telling a story to a romantic partner is fun because it allows you to be creative.

There’s only one rule,

Always be interesting

Oh, maybe there’s another rule too,

Paint yourself in the light you want to be painted in

Cultivating your image is pretty darn important. Let’s say that throughout your relationship you weren’t exactly the most selfless person (no shame in it) and your ex even cited your selfishness as a reason they broke up with you.

You could text your ex a story like this,

Notice how this story works to shed the “selfish” perception your ex may have had of you.

How?

By simply mentioning that you were volunteering.

A selfless act.

Oh, and the Chris Pratt thing actually happened to one of my clients so I figured it’d be fun to include to make the story more interesting.

Step Three: Sharing Opinions

Have you ever heard the phrase,

Opposites attract?

It’s complete and utter bullsh*t.

Seriously, the more I research and learn about relationships the more I realize that opposites are huge turn offs.

What matters isn’t what you’re like, It’s what you like,

Now, why the heck am I bringing up “opposites” on a section about opinions?

Nothing can kill your momentum more than sharing an opinion you know that your ex is going to hate.

Before you bring out the pitchforks and claim that I am saying you have to change for your ex (I’m not) I want you to understand something.

Investment is a huge indicator of when you can let all of your opinions can be shared. Ideally you want to let your… controversial… opinions only be shared when your ex has invested so much into your relationship it’s too late for them to take a hike.

When you are in the process of “building attraction” I’d be conscious of the opinions you do share.

You want to ensure that you opinions will not only be interesting but will align with your exes.

If you learn nothing else from me learn this,

Alike attracts alike

Step Four: Virgin Ground

I love the movie 500 days of summer.

I feel like I quote this movie once per article and certainly within my own book and I’m going to do it again, sorry.

There is a scene in that movie where the protagonist is laying in bed with his girlfriend/not girlfriend…

There seems to be some debate on that topic throughout the movie,

Anyways, they are laying in bed together, staring into each others eyes and the “not girlfriend” says,

I’ve never told anyone that before

Doing this is an indication that he has entered into a realm that no other man has ever entered into with this particular girl.

It’s the ultimate sign of trust.

To tell something to someone that you’ve never uttered aloud before.

It’s virgin ground

People will often ask me when it’s ok for them to tell their ex that they love them or that they want to get back together.

My response usually goes like this,

“Has your ex told you something they don’t tell anyone? Have they shown you that level of trust yet?”

Now, some of you may be reading this and thinking,

What’s the big deal?

Well, it is a big deal because it puts you on a level above friends.

It’s easy to tell stories to your friends.

It’s easy to share opinions with friends.

It’s very easy to small talk with anyone.

It’s extremely challenging to get your ex to trust you enough to share a secret with you.

Step Five: Sharing Feelings

Usually I have a pretty grand commentary for each “step” throughout this process but quite frankly for this step I don’t.

That might strike you as odd, huh?

In my opinion, if you do everything right this should be the easiest part.

It should just flow naturally.

The problem is that so many people struggle with this because they don’t everything that comes before it.

Let me break it down for you,

Sharing feelings is simply the accumulation of all that happened before it.

If you struggle with it or it isn’t happening naturally that most likely means you haven’t put in the necessary work to get results.

It’s tricky because often you are so eager to see results you rush the process and rushing this process can lead to failure.

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16 thoughts on “What To Say To Your Ex”

  1. Avatar

    Tara

    March 21, 2020 at 8:46 am

    Hi Chris,

    So my ex and I broke up over 1.5 months ago. We were engaged and he started reminiscing about his ex last November that he was with for 7 years and who left him a month before their wedding for someone else. Come to find out she is still seeing that other guy. She was caught out with this other guy kissing and cuddling at the bar as I am the one who caught them and took photos for my ex as I told him and he agreed he wanted me to take pics and send them to him. Then my ex still continues to go for her 2 weeks later and they are posting the same relationship type posts on twitter yet he tells me he isn’t doing anything or going to do anything regarding her. I was destroyed because I know he’s not being honest with me despite what he says. He blocked me on everything except snapchat and LinkedIn. He recently unblocked me on Instagram even though his account is private and I think that’s to see what I’m putting on there. He also unblocked me on WhatsApp last night and messaged me and told me he’s said all he wants to say, but owes me a face to face meeting as it’s the right thing. We had a face to face meeting and when his ex kicked him out in the cold with nowhere to go and he didn’t have a car at the time to get to his place, I rescued him and he stayed at my house for a few weeks. He could have left the next day and when he got a car he could have left back to his house and he told me he chose to stay. He says he highly respect me and thinks very highly of me and that he did fall in love with me when we got together. He said there is a part of him that still loves me. He had said he would still talk to me, see me, I could come over and he would come to my house and we would FaceTime. He said he needed to sort himself out and figure out what he wants since the life he had planned with the person he planned it with wasn’t going to happen. Yet seems to me that he’s still going after this other woman trying to work things out. I was angry and hurt and posted some things on my Facebook and he knows about it. Anyway after a small conversation last night over WhatsApp that wasn’t bad he blocked me again after saying he would contact me regarding meeting up. I am so confused as to what to do and we have had arguments as he feels like I’m judging him and gets frustrated that I repeat myself. He also has my number blocked on his phone. I thought after having the proof that his ex still continues to see this other guy that he would stop with her and he just isn’t. I don’t know how to get him to see sense and stop being played for a fool. He’s told me he knows I’m right and here isn’t a chance for them yet he still continues.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 30, 2020 at 9:53 am

      Hi Tara, from what I’ve read it seems your ex is keeping you available to him while he tried to work things out with the other woman, and if things fall apart he has you as a back up. I would suggest that you start moving on and showing yourself some respect. Start dating other guys. Show him you are not settling for a back up plan

  2. Avatar

    Soph

    January 17, 2020 at 5:01 pm

    Hi Chris, Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago, after a month of no contact he reached out to meet and we met three weeks later cause I was busy. During the last month I have done a lot of stuff like talking about the relationship and asking what he wants ‘He didn’t see a future with us’.
    After a slightly serious conversation about why our relationship ended a week ago, he said ‘at least now we know if something ever happens between us in the future’. We had a talk recently where he said he was happy alone and chatting to me but doesn’t know what the future holds. I said I’d want to eventually hang out and see where it goes and he said that sound positive and we can take it as it goes. We had a quick light conversation where he goes he still wants a painting from me.
    I don’t know how best to go forth cause I’m worried that, even though he changed his tune slightly in regards to a future between us, he could just be trying not to hurt me again or keeping me as an option.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 4:33 am

      Hi Soph if you feel like you could be, being used as an option start casually dating so that gives him fear you could find someone else while you are not getting that commitment from him. Work on becoming Ungettable during this time

  3. Avatar

    Aastha Sharma

    November 24, 2019 at 6:06 pm

    Hey Chris, help me!!!
    My ex boyfriend never cared about me so I went with some other guy started talking to him, I didn’t have sex with the guy just naked pictures and pictures get clicked when i was high. My ex boyfriend knows that I didn’t cheat on him intentionally I wasn’t getting enough from him so I just got influenced. We had really less contact for 30 days, fights and fights for days. Finally we are just friends he told me he loves me a lot he can’t see me with other guys we are having great sex and great time together he told me i make him happy and i heal him but all the time when i ask he says no for commitment and then he says he regret a hell lot for letting me go. I don’t know what to do. Help asap.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 6:43 pm

      Hi Aastha I am not sure what you want help with, if you want your ex back and feel like he is serious about the changes then that is up to you. If you have a new boyfriend then you need to weigh your decision about who you think you have feelings for and who is going to treat you correctly

  4. Avatar

    Andrea

    August 18, 2019 at 8:02 pm

    Hi Chris.
    So i’m really confused about what to do with my ex. He broke up with me 6 months ago & honestly, we haven’t been able to not talk to one another for more than a week. I’ve tried doing no contact but it’s just so hard on me & i honestly don’t want to leave him alone because he has some mental health issues. He says that he doesn’t see me in a romantic way but that he still cares and wants to be friends with me. Should I take him up on that offer to try to win him back? I care about him so much. And he does still get very jealous whenever I bring up ex boyfriends, or other guys that try talking to me. And he also says he doesn’t want to know about my love life if I end up start dating again. Should I just give him space? And let him reach out to me? Or should I make a conscious effort in communicating with him? He also says he’s would consider getting back together if things go well as friends once he’s ready to. I just don’t know what to do.

  5. Avatar

    Panos

    August 7, 2019 at 2:32 pm

    Hi Chris, i broke with my gf three days ago. Actually she decided that she wants to end it. We were so happy before. We were in long distance but we had an amazing connection. Tho i was overworrying sometime cause my past hasnt been great , ( ive had two exes who cheated on me) and that made me worry. And now after the breakup it is so painful. I want to win her back. It was mainly my mistake. She wants to stay friends. We are still talking like everyday. She has told me that she trusts me and she can tell me everything. But i really dont want to stay as a friend. We were togrther for two years and i cant hold my tears thinking of all the memories. Can you help me win her back ?

  6. Avatar

    Nashona

    October 1, 2018 at 8:24 pm

    Chris,

    My ex and I broke up towards the middle of July. We had a pretty awful breakup. I was going through a rough time emotionally. He got a job offer 5 hours away from where we were living at the time, and ended up moving for work. He left thinking I would text him every night and visit him on weekends, and that we would eventually move back in together…he left, and I ghosted him. He contacted me a few times over the course of the last couple of months, and I ignored him or responded rather maliciously. Well, I finally got over myself and realized I made a lot of huge mistakes. I started trying to get him back about 3 weeks ago. I contacted him and we got drinks at a bar. I think he was expecting closure, but instead I apologized profusely and told him I wanted him back in my life. I moved to the town he lives in, and things have been pretty hot and cold from the beginning. He has told me he spent a lot of time trying to get over me, and had a lot of negative emotions towards me. He says he’s trying to do his best to resolve those emotions. He says “let’s take it slow”. We’ve done a lot of arguing and a lot of hashing things out rather unproductively. I’ve done my fair share of irrational pleading and text novels, but decided to take a more aloof approach most recently. I almost gave up and left a few days ago. But things shifted, and he contacted me and we decided to go to the lake together yesterday. This was the first time we hung out where we didn’t talk about the past; we just enjoyed each other’s company. Things were a little awkward because I just don’t know how to act around him. Overall I think it went well but I’m not sure he even wants to try things again at all. The only thing that really gives me hope is that when he hugged me goodbye, it lasted for a really long time and he held me very tightly. His mother seems to think he loves me deeply and that we had a very special connection. But the past few weeks have left me in a bit of a state. I just miss him so badly and I’m not sure whether what I’m doing is working, or if we will ever get back together. I’m frustrated and tired, and I don’t know what my next move should even be. Help!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 1, 2018 at 9:56 pm

      Hi Nahona!

      Sorry your breakup was so awful. I know that can leave a trail of hurt. Just go it slow, like you are both dating each other for the first time. Give your feelings a chance to catch up with what is happening. I have a lot of resources on this site you can tap into.

  7. Avatar

    Yara

    September 24, 2018 at 3:39 pm

    Hey Chris,

    I was doing pretty well post 30 day no contact (which I completed) me and my ex have been texting back and forth for a few weeks now. He made a reference to me seeing him in person which I have yet to schedule…but this past weekend I mentioned dating someone else and he got quite jealous (in a seemingly good way!) he followed up with me the day after trying to see if me and my date had “taken it to the next level” we continued our texting back and forth and this morning we were chatting and it got a bit flirty and he abruptly kinda snapped at me for “tempting him” (his words) I lightened the mood with a joke and reassurance that I wasn’t trying to tempt him. BUT I DO want him back and I think he wants me too…am I mistaken? Where do I go from here?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 25, 2018 at 2:57 am

      Hi Yara!

      Guys can let that jealousy bug bite them and it can make them a bit crazy. So just go it slow for awhile, not pressing…let him come to you…. and look for a casual meetup

  8. Avatar

    Sonny

    September 23, 2018 at 8:05 pm

    Hi Chris,
    My ex and I have been together for 6 years next month but we broke up almost 2 weeks ago. Towards the end of our relationship, it was clear that neither of us was that happy because of certain situations that we couldn’t seem to get over. He’s a really sweet guy but my insecurities & lack of trust ran him away. We broke up mutually but the next day I came back asking if we can make things work and he said he couldn’t allow himself to deal with my insecurities and doesn’t want to get into a relationship any time soon. He says he has faith in us getting back together in the future but right now can’t handle it. He said he still wants to be friends and I told him I was gonna continue to fight for him but he suggested that I should move on. Also, he’s going through a lot of family issues (grieving a loss of his loved one) as well as financial issues. We’re both still in college so school has been stressing us out as well. Recently when I try to talk to him, he doesn’t sound okay. He sounds really depressed and seems very different. He told me if he needs a friend, he’ll reach out to me but until then, he wants to be alone. So today I’m starting no contact but just confused on what I should do because we have broken up before but this time is very different. It really feels like the end.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 23, 2018 at 10:56 pm

      Hi Sonny. Best to give him the space he needs. Do you have one of my eBooks as it can help you thru this process or certainly you can dig thru my website as I have lots of articles and other resources.

  9. Avatar

    Anna

    September 23, 2018 at 12:53 am

    Hi Chris, my ex and I just broke up yesterday and we were dating for almost 2 yrs already. He already knows my family and I also know his. We are really in a happy relationship but sometimes we also experience quarrels but not most of the times. What normal couples would be. He ended our relationship because he got jealous. He saw our bestfriends conversation thru text, “He is so cute! Omg I’m beside him”. But truly it does not have any malice for me. I was just stating the fact that the guy bside me was cute. And no more follow ups. He did not tell me he saw it right after. He told me when I went back to work, 7 hours away from him. We were okay before I left. But then he got cold. Now I know he’s not seeing anyone because my instincts can tell. He’s not active in social media. He ghosted me for 4 days before he texted my yerterday about the real reason which is the jealousy. I tried to explain my part but decided to agree with him. I did not beg. I just assured him that he shouldn’t be jealous and it means nothing. And then he didn’t reply. In the evening my uncle called me and told me my bf contacted him. He wanted to see my uncle. So my uncle and him went to dinner. He told him that we already broke up and he got discouraged with what he saw. My uncle asked him if there’s still a chance that we’ll get back. He told him it depends and we shall see. My uncle also told him that we should talk about it first and try to fix it because the relationship will be put to waste and really there’s nothing to be jealous for. My uncle told me also that his eyes we’re red because he was crying. I really dont know what to do. I believe I’m at fault. We are officemates and I’ll get to see him next week for 1 week. I’m expecting he would talk to me by that time, maybe to fix things or for closure. And I’m really afraid if it’s for closure because I think I deserve a chance to fix it.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 23, 2018 at 4:32 pm

      Hi Anna!

      I am so sorry you just went thru a breakup. I know its fresh and raw. Right now, focus on your healing and doing things to settle down your emotions. Jealousy can cause people to say and do crazy things. Perhaps this will settle down on its on when he comes to his senses.