By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 25th, 2021

After a breakup, it can feel like the faster you speak to your ex-boyfriend and tell him how much you love him, the sooner you can convince him to get back together and you can get back to how things used to be.

Unfortunately, that overwhelming sense of urgency can cloud your judgement and cause you to make decisions that could jeopardize your chances of getting your ex-boyfriend back. When you breakup with someone you love, you want to text that person…. A LOT! But sending text after text filled with emotion will scare your ex-boyfriend away… So what is the best thing to do?

Well it’s fair to say that there is no one magic text you can send your ex to make him want to get back together; what you need is to combine a series of small actions that will have a cumulative effect on your ex-boyfriend.

This article is going to talk you through the generic plan to winning your ex-boyfriend back and will cover

  • Self-Improvement
  • Social Media
  • Texting
  • Phone Calls
  • Dates

When winning your ex-boyfriend back there are three phases.

  1. The first is the No-Contact Phase
  2. The second is the Texting Phase
  3. The third is the Commitment Phase

It might seem pretty obvious but you need to go through the first two stages before you can get to the third stage and get back together with your ex.

Each phase of the programme is made up of different elements that you will use to win your ex-boyfriend back.

These elements might be direct, and involve interacting with your ex; or indirect and involve subtle influencing approaches like social media.

The No Contact Rule

The first phase of the program is called No-Contact. It is called no contact because you will be avoiding all contact with your ex-boyfriend for about a month. This includes calls, text messages, e-mails and liking or commenting on his social media.

You should think of this as a full communications blackout.

There are few minor exceptions where you may maintain limited contact with your ex such as still living together, having children together or working in the same place. If you need to maintain limited contact you should only be talking about essential matters that can not wait until the end of the month, these would be things like bills, childcare arrangements, work deadlines etc.

However generally speaking, I recommend a month of No-Contact to anyone wanting to get their ex back and there are a few of reasons why I think that this is a good idea:-

  • Gives you space to calm your emotions
  • Allows you to work on improving yourself
  • Gives you time to learn how to win your ex back
  • Gives him time to wonder why you haven’t text him
  • Gives him time to miss you

Your ex-boyfriend is going to assume that after the breakup you are going to fall apart and start texting him non-stop, begging him to give you another chance and promising to change. This is because he has probably experienced this type of behavior after breakups with his previous girlfriends in the past.
No-Contact works by catching your ex by surprise.

By behaving in a way that is different to what he expects he will begin to wonder if he may have misjudged you, and in turn question the breakup.

To make your No-Contact period work to your maximum advantage you have two key tasks that you need to undertake, self-improvement and social media marketing.

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Self Improvement

Whilst you are taking some space from your ex the most important thing you can do is work on improving yourself both physically and mentally.

I want you to invest some time in regaining a sense of normalcy in your life especially if you have been suffering with issues like anxiety or depression.

Use your no contact period to really work on overcoming those problems and getting some help.

Your goal for self-improvement is to become The Ungettable-Girl

The Ungettable-Girl is the perfect woman.

She is attractive, successful, and popular.

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The Ungettable-Girl is the woman every man wants to date because she is everything he wants in a girlfriend.

She is smart, funny, independent, interesting and sexy.

She is the Bond girl, the dream woman and you are going to become her!

To become the Ungettable Girl you will need to work on improving three key areas of your life, this is the Holy Trinity of the Ungettable Girl.

  • Health
  • Wealth
  • Relationships

Health covers everything related to your looks; men are visual creatures after all!

Start working out and eating properly to ensure you look your best. Think about updating your wardrobe to show off your new figure, perhaps consider having a makeover that will make your ex go “WOW!” next time he sees you.

Wealth covers all aspects of success. This can be applying for new jobs, studying for a new skill. It is basically anything that is going to make you smarter or more successful in your career even if it is unpaid.

Relationships covers everything from friends and family to dating.

Remember a time before you were with your ex….. you used to go out and have a social life of your own right? Well a great way to show your ex-boyfriend that you are doing great without him is work on expanding your social life. Spend your time catching up family, re-connecting with old friends and making new friends and going out on dates.

Taking up a new hobby is a fantastic way to meet new friends and also meet new men to go on dates with.

Investing time and energy on the Holy Trinity will help you to become the Ungettable Girl and seem much more attractive prospect to your ex-boyfriend than before you broke up.

Social Media

Your social media is going to help you communicate indirectly with your ex throughout all three phases of the program.

You are going to use your social media as a way of showing your ex-boyfriend all the fun and exciting activities you have been up to and highlight to him how great you look and how much you have developed as a person. If you don’t currently use social media, I recommend that you start with a Facebook account and begin posting pictures of your most interesting events from your Holy Trinity.

Take lots of photographs of you being the Ungettable girl so your ex-boyfriend can see and feel like he is missing out.

While we are on the subject of photograph’s let’s take a moment to talk about the kind of pictures you should be taking.

Take photographs of yourself with friends or family having a fun time looking happy. Selfies are great in moderation but they really need to be demonstrating something of value to have a lasting impact on your ex-boyfriend.

For example:-

  • New haircut
  • Weight loss
  • Selfies that include other people

Try and avoid taking lots of selfies on your own at home as this will show your ex you don’t have much of a life without him. Instead try getting friends to take pictures of you having fun, show you are happy and include other people, things like sports events, nights out etc.

Things you should not post on social media include: –

  • Sad quotes or lyrics
  • Inspirational posters about breakups, relationships or feeling lonely
  • Status updates about how down you feel

Posting anything on the list above will make you seem unattractive to your ex and will not have the right effect, even if you are not friends on social media any mutual friends you may share will tell him about how badly you are taking the breakup.

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So please, no sad posts.

The Texting Phase

The next phase you will come to when winning your ex-boyfriend back is the Texting Phase. This phase differs from No-Contact as it will involve your reaching out and initiating contact with your ex.

During the Texting Phase you must continue to be the Ungettable-Girl by practicing the Holy Trinity and also carry on posting to social media accounts like Facebook and Instagram but now you will also begin to directly contact your ex through the following:-

  • Sending text messages
  • Having phone calls
  • Going on dates

The first part of the Texting Phase involves sending Text Messages!…. The clue is in the title!
The later on in the texting phase you will move on to phone calls and then eventually go on dates.
As you start to introduce new elements into your plan to win your ex back you goal is to build rapport, grow mutual attraction and gain investment before moving to the next level.

Think of it like a computer game.
You are Mario, running around collecting points with the aim of eventually trying to save the Princess. Each time he gets more points or bonus stuff he is able to unlock more cool things in the game.

Winning your ex back is a lot like playing Nintendo. Each time you send a text you want to work on gaining rapport and building attraction and when you do you can open a little bonus feature where your ex starts to invest time, effort or money in you.

When you get to that stage it is time to move up a level to phone calls, where you will do the same again before working your way up to dates.

Sending Text Messages

The first text message you are going to send is called your First Contact Text Message. It should be light hearted, fun, related to a hobby or interest he has and should not mention that you are sad or that you want to get back together.

Ideally your first contact text message should grab his attention, you want it to be something so exciting and interesting that he is dying to send a reply. It should be something positive that shows him you are not needy of desperate to have him back. Lastly your text message should be brief, no more than a few lines, remember it’s a text message not an email.

Here is an example first contact text message: –

Notice how it seems very casual and breezy? This is the kind of text message you want to be sending when you first reach out and contact your ex as it will show him you are feeling fine and that when he replies you aren’t going to start an argument.

Sending texts is a fun and easy way to connect with your ex in low pressure environment. Sending text messages affords you the opportunity to reply when you want, without having to think on the spot and it allows you to share funny images and videos in a way that you cannot in a phone call.

All you need to remember is to keep your texts fun and upbeat and to always end the conversation on a high so that you ex is left wanting more.

Phone Calls

You know what one of the defining features of a relationship is?
Talking on the phone……think about it, how often do people talk on the phone with people these days? It’s really rare, especially when talking about people of the opposite sex.

People tend to communicate in bitesize chunks via text messages or chat apps and it’s a fleeting thing. Sharing the occasional phone call with your ex is a great way to set yourself apart from other women in his life because phone calls are generally reserved for those you are closest too.

When you think of all the people in your life that you talk to on the phone it breaks down like this: –

  • Your family
  • Your best friend
  • Your boyfriend

Pretty much everyone else gets relegated to text messages or chat apps because they aren’t important enough. When you think about it that way you can see that if a guy is willing to talk to you on the phone then you are in a very special position in his life.

So when should you start to introduce phone calls?
You can start introducing phone calls once you have built up enough rapport with your ex-boyfriend through text messaging. Once you reach that point, it is time to level up!

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A great way to introduce phone calls is to text your ex and say something like: –

This approach works as it uses curiosity to bait your ex-boyfriend into calling you back.

Another approach you can use to get your ex to call you, is to call him and leave a voicemail telling him a little bit of information that is going to make him want to call you back.

“Hey, just walked out of the most amazing interview and I was dying to talk to you about it!”

When he calls you back the same basic rules apply as with text messages, keep your first call brief and upbeat and always make sure you end the conversation on a highpoint to leave him wanting more!


Going out on dates with your ex-boyfriend is the final element of winning your ex-boyfriend back and when you get to this stage you are on the home straight, it’s really down to patience and perseverance.

Patience is really key here as when trying to win your ex-back it is really common to go through a period of non-committed dating whilst he gets familiar with the idea of commitment, then after that there is a period of unspoken commitment where he has stopped seeing other people, finally leading to a committed relationship where you are officially back together.

I bet some of you are wondering how you can get your ex to ask you out on a date….
Well there are a three options….

  1. Invite him somewhere but never set a date.
  2. Hint that there is a place you are wanting to go.
  3. The group hangout.

The Fake Invite

The other approach you can take when trying to get your ex-boyfriend to ask you out is to offer a fake invite somewhere. In the fake invite, what you are doing is almost him out on a date but then not actually ask him.

In a fake invite you might say something like: –

“Hey, I’m working in your area soon for a few days, we should catch up over coffee! it’ll be fun, there might even be cake! 😊”

This approach works because it shows your ex that asking to spend time with you is ok and that you don’t want to talk about the breakup.

The Small Hint

When trying to hint at a potential date you might want to try saying something like this to your ex: –

“I heard the new Star Wars movie is coming out soon, the trailer looks amazing! Don’t think any of friends would be into going though, not really their kind of film.”

Then say nothing…

Your intention here is to plant a seed in your ex-boyfriend’s mind that there is a place you would really like to go to sometime and that you would enjoy it if someone offered to take you. If your ex is keen to see you he will suggest you go together either after you mention it or a few days later once he has gathered enough courage to ask you out on a date.

The Group Hangout

If you find that neither of the other two approaches work, you might want to modify the approach and suggest a group hangout where other people are present.

This should be your fall back date option as it reduces your 1:1 access to your ex-boyfriend. The one thing I want to be clear on though is that your group hangout should not be a family event, that is not the kind of hangout that your ex will enjoy as a date.

The group hangout is ideal if your ex-boyfriend is nervous about seeing you or is seeing someone else as this is a great way to take the pressure off him and spend sometime together.

To get a group hangout you might say something like this to him: –

“Hey remember Joanne? She’s having a beach party next week, you should come along. It will be fun!”

The best way to get a group hangout is to tell him an event will be fun and that he should come. Notice how the text message doesn’t ask him to come along, it tells him.
This is great because it doesn’t put pressure on him to say yes. Your ex-boyfriend is more likely to want to come along when he feels he has the option not to

As with all aspects of winning your ex-boyfriend back the key is to keep things low pressure, be positive and upbeat, build rapport, be interesting, generate attraction and get him wanting to invest in you which all takes time. The most crucial thing to remember is to not get too carried away with the idea of a relationship before you are in one.

Last thing to mention about dates is that you should not be sleeping with your ex-boyfriend until you are in a committed relationship. If you sleep with him before he offers you a commitment, then you at running the risk of becoming “Friends With Benefits”

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase.

“There’s no such thing as a free lunch”…

Well it’s true, sleeping with your ex is something that isn’t free- the price is commitment. 
Remember……….No commitment = No sex.


Let’s have a quick roundup of today’s article.

To win your ex back you need to work on:-

  • Giving him time to miss you and making him feel he is missing out on your life
  • Building rapport
  • Generating attraction
  • Getting small investments from your ex-boyfriend

The way you do this is through

  • A period of No-Contact
  • Becoming the Ungettable Girl
  • Posting to Social Media
  • Texting
  • Phone Calls
  • Dates

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11 thoughts on “How To Win Your Ex Boyfriend Back”

  1. W

    October 22, 2017 at 5:03 am

    Hi . My ex and I have been fine texting on the phone . His responses are getting better when I first texted him. But one thing is he wouldnt text me first. It’s not to say that i initiate the text everyday but our conversations just goes on continuously everyday. He doesnt respond positively but neither negatively. I felt that we’re improving. But until now he doesnt seem very interested in talking to me but he would reply what i asked and sometimes maybe something more. But it’s way better than before. I asked him out on a date on Thursday and previously he said he couldnt make it because he has something going on with our friends. But i asked that if we could hangout after he had done with his things he said can he dont mind. He told me our friends might be coming along too if not they will tease him. But then he told me it’s ok that he could go out with me alone. I asked him if he really want to hang with me or he just dont wanna upset me. He told me he’s focusing on himself right now and foing his things, he said not to say he dont wanna upset me but just while focusing on himself he’ll try to give me some time too . What can i do now ? Ps : i did not jump into the no contact rule which you recommended me after the talk last time.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 24, 2017 at 3:40 pm

      If you had done it, how many times? If no, why not do it?

  2. successstory952

    October 13, 2017 at 11:57 am

    I wanted to share my success story with you and thank you! My previous “ex” and now boyfriend, are about to celebrate 8 wonderful months together!

    I attribute my success to two things, the ex boyfriend recovery system AND James Bauer’s ebook, Secret Obsession (No this is not an add, I am not being paid! I am just so happy where I am today, I need to thank you for helping me :). )

    So after a wonderful 4 months over a year ago, he called things off (we had been exclusive but no titles were given), regardless of reasons and such, I found ex boyfriend recovery and got him back in 1 month… for a week. Afterwards, I took time, A LOT of time. I didn’t make mistakes, no hook ups or sappy calls. I didn’t go completely no contact and I held my self respect and when he tried to call me up as a booty call, I gave him a piece of my mind and asked him not to contact me. That’s where I went no contact, this was about mid November.

    I went back to my thought process, the ex boyfriend recovery guide and site and thought, how did I fail? The guide helped me get him back, how did I get here? That’s when I (most like everyone else here) did hours of research and bought a few ebooks… all which were awful. I did come across the Secret Obsession and almost immediately while reading it, I was hooked! Things made so much more sense!

    I began reaching out, as ex boyfriend recovery instructs, BUT I did it with implementation of Secret Obsession. We began seeing talking regularly a week prior to Christmas, and saw one another and yes had fun… (probably too soon but I was weak) close to New years. Afterwards there was hesitation come February but I held my ground and basically gave the option that if he didn’t want to be exclusive with me, that was fine, but I would be gone. I was not hostile, I just was exhausted tired, and knew at this point I had done all I could. Later that day, he said I don’t want to be just exclusive, I want you as my girlfriend. We were long distance even a few months, made it through stronger than ever, and things have been wonderful since he’s been back 🙂

    Ex boyfriend recovery system helped me get him back, twice. And what helped me keep him, was Secret Obsession. These two guides combined have changed my life and I can’t thank you enough for your help Chris! I wouldn’t be here happily about to celebrate 8 months without you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 14, 2017 at 10:27 am

      Thank you for sharing! Congratulations 🙂

  3. Sierra Maria

    July 9, 2017 at 11:28 am

    I am in a predicament my ex boyfriend who blocked me for 3 months unblocked me and I sent him messages he didn’t reply back so I sent an apology to him and kept my distance not messaging him and focusing on myself for almost two weeks (13 days to be exact today) and last night he called me via Facebook messenger. Now I was trying to do the 3 weeks for an aplomb and let him calm down like it said in the one article “if your ex blames you for the breakup” but now he has called me and I know you have to work up to that with social media, texting then phone calls and in person so what do I do in this particular situation when my ex boyfriend finally wants to talk but he wants to skip the attraction level and go straight into talking over the phone? Please help!

    1. Sierra Maria

      July 9, 2017 at 9:23 pm

      I wish I would have seen that earlier I sent him an “OMG you won’t believe it message” and he didn’t respond it might have been an accident but he didn’t tell me why he called or if it was by accident oh well

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 9, 2017 at 7:43 pm

      If you didn’t answer, he’ll probably tell you why he called.. Or if it’s really important or serious, he’ll call again

  4. anonymous

    June 28, 2017 at 8:53 am

    I’d like to add that i broke the nc after 28 days, for this text about my belongings, but since then i havent talked to him. so its 56 days not talking to each other just “stalking” on social media.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 30, 2017 at 9:47 am

      Initiate contact but use an interesting topic

  5. anonymous

    June 28, 2017 at 8:47 am

    Hey guys!
    Me and my ex bf split 2.5 months ago. The breakup was horrible. We’ve been dating for almost 1.2 year. He was crazy mad in love with me and did everything to please me. We’ve been through a lot together, we were there for each other in the one of the worst times.. I got close to some family members like no girl before. Our relationship was “adult” one. I was helping with every single thing in his new house, he asked me about every detail in every room. We were like family already, we helped each other with every family issue. He was really committed and did anything i asked for, he stopped talking to bad influence people and random girl / friends. He was becoming this better man for me and he was so happy and in love. By the time I became clingy, depressed, kind of dramatic… I used to break up with him many Times and he never let me.. he always tried to calm me down and said that i am his everything and nothing will change that.. that he will be there for me always… he said things that i never believed but in time i did. He pictured our future, he wanted to have kids, he planned our trips.. he said that he never could do the things which he did for me for any girl and he thought that he was in love once (he was in couple of relationships) but that i made him see that he never really loved before. Last months of our realtionship were full of tears fights and discommunication. I think that i was too clindy, depressed (i was bringing the tired vibe) and controlling. I am sure he was really tired and got bored bc we were in each other lives all the time. So sometimes it was great and sometimes i felt like we were growing apart. I was going through drama and big problems in my family and school and i couldnt control my feelings. He was sweet always said that hes not tired of me and that he understands that I’m like this because of the pressure in that time. I was feeling like the worst gf ever. I felt like i was his child, his responsibility, his problem… so i decided to break up with him..AGAIN. and this time nothing helped, he said all the mean things and just blamed me basically for the break up and everything. For almost 2.5 weeks i was texting him time to time but begging-like i never did before. He ignored and was mad at me. blocked me on Messenger and maybe my number.. i was posting a lot of my pics on snapchat and he was looking at all of tchem about (60) then deleted me of snapchat. he started going on dating sites and adding girls on instagram, comemnting on their photos and deep liking. (He was still following me). He was out all the time til morning to the clubs. He was drinking a lot for about a month. He was posting things on instagram from parties and then delete tchem next day. He was liking my every post on instagram, then didnt like none and then time – to -time (I post a lot). month after break up he deleted some random comment that he commented a while ago under my picture (he deleted our selfies and some posts, but not everything, and our relationship status after month). Then he started viewing all of my stories on instagram (every single, even if it was 30 mins to watch). And no i didnt watch his (only for 2 weeks after break up). Another thing he didnt gave back my cothes that i asked for. We went really bad so he was going to meet up with my friend but my friend cancelled of her family situation so he was supposed to send tchem to her address but he didnt. When she asked him-he ignored (he had 1.5 month to send them). Then i texted him just casual asking if he sent it. No respond. And now after 2.5 month i havent received my clothes back yet. Last days he was watching my stories clously bc i started to post “intriguing” fancy dinners walks activities with “somebody” , and just the best pictures of myself and my talents and hobbies). Then the next day what I know is he unfollowed me. I was hooked, because everything was going so well.. He’s now out there partying, planning trips even though after 2 weeks of breakup he told me that he will go abroad (he used to tell me that thats what he wanted to do when he was once really heartbroken). But he didnt. I was in no contact for 28 days, but he didnt respond to my text. I don’t know if theres any chances because he unfollowed me everywhere(eve the sites he dont even use anymore.. ). Please help

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 30, 2017 at 9:47 am

      Initiate contact but use an interesting topic