By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 27th, 2021

Throughout this site I talk a lot about how to get your ex boyfriend back. I talk about the different strategies, tactics and methods that you can employ to help your ex find his way back into your loving arms. Of course, visitors have often pointed out to me that one area that always seems to be lacking is my knowledge on what to do on a date with an ex boyfriend.

You see, I talk a lot about how to get the date but I never talk about the details of what you should do on that date to get him back.

Well, that is about to change starting right now!

What This Page Is About?

(If you would like to learn more about HOW you can get a date with your ex boyfriend click here.)


Wherever I looked online I always seemed to come up empty in my research on what you should do on a date to get an ex boyfriend back. Your specific situation is very different than the normal “what should I do on a date?” inquiry that many women are wondering.

That extra element that makes your situation unique, your ex, changes the rules on what you should do on your date entirely. So, I decided to put this guide together. It’s main focus is going to be helping you to understand how to reattract an ex while you are on a date with him. I will be talking about concepts like:

  • Push/Pull Theory.
  • How To Act On Your Date.
  • Big No No’s.
  • Where To Go On Your Date.
  • How You Need To Look.
  • How Long It Should Last.
  • Whether To Kiss Or Not.
  • The Second Date

None of that really made a lot of sense huh?

No worries, I am going to be going into so much detail on all of the points above that you will be begging me to stop ;). So, rather than listen to me ramble on all day lets just cut right to the chase!

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Push/Pull Theory


Before I even talk about “the date” there is an important concept that I need you to understand. In fact, it’s so important that both my books,

Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO


The Texting Bible

Use this concept.

I thought a lot about how I could best explain this to you (I even spent 30 minutes mapping it out on my computer.) I eventually decided to explain it like this:

Push/Pull Theory- A concept that states that we pursue that which retreats from us. The puller (one who shows interest) will not be pursued by the pusher (one who shows disinterest.) Meanwhile, the puller (interest) will most likely pursue the pusher (disinterest.)

Lets apply this new found, albeit complicated, knowledge to YOU!

I could be entirely true that one of the biggest reasons you want your ex boyfriend back is because you feel rejected. In other words, you are the puller while your ex boyfriend is the pusher.

Still confused?

Hmm… let me see if I can simplify this for you.

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  • The Puller- The person that shows an extreme interest in someone else.
  • The Pusher- The person that shows an extreme DISinterest in someone else.

Get it yet?

Push/pull theory is a very important concept for you to grasp before you go out on a date. I will explain why in a moment but first I need to explain the effect push/pull can have on men. One of the biggest advantages to this site is that I am a member of the male species so I can give you direct insight that not many others could give you.

When I learned about push/pull I found it very relevant and true.

The women who I seem to be the most attracted to are always the ones that are pushing me away at the beginning a little bit. Of course, there is more to it than that as I explain with the ungettable girl but when generalized the women who I have to chase and “pull” are the ones that have me wrapped around their fingers.

Let me give you a real life example.

One attractive woman I ended up wanting to date was a great pusher! I ended up spotting her across a room and I was drawn in by her looks. Now, I am not saying that she had perfect looks but she had something that drew me in. She had this aura about her.

Of course, when I actually tried talking to her she showed extreme disinterest in me, which of course made me want want to chase a little more.

This is the push/pull theory at work!

Remember, (as I have stated a thousand times throughout this site) men always want what they can’t have.

How Can You Apply Push/Pull To Dating?

push_pull date

One of the biggest issues I see from women who go out on dates with their exes is that they automatically assume that the hard part is over.

I am sorry to break it to you but the hard part just began.

You see, before you went out on a date with your ex (where you have to see him in person) you were most likely able to hide behind your phone. I am not saying that like it is a bad thing as it gives you time to think before you try something. It’s just that when you are out on a date you don’t have any time to think.

Why is it important to have time to think?

If you are familiar with this site then you may realize that everything I teach you to do pre-date I am doing to show you how you can become a pusher. It’s all about getting your ex to chase you again and the best way to accomplish that is to make him the puller.

Of course, when you are on a date you have to be aware that the push/pull mechanisim is in play here. It’s likely that the more you show interest in him the less likely he will be to show interest in you. Of course, the untrained (get your ex back professional) may point out that if this is the case then the smartest play is to show your ex disinterest. Unfortunately, it isn’t as easy as that either.

Let me break it down for you because that last paragraph was a lot to swallow.

Lets say that you and I are on a date. For the purposes of this example I am your ex boyfriend and you entered this date with one goal, to improve your chances of getting me back. Now, using the push/pull theory we know that if you show me a lot of interest I will show you disinterest. I really want to break this down for you so you can understand what you can expect to happen here.

I hear from a lot of women who have this exact thing happen to them. They go on a date and show their ex a lot of interest only to get hurt by his inability to show interest at a later date.

Using (you and I) as an example you are going to show a lot of interest in me on our date. Of course, interest to a guy is always flattering so I am going to appear very happy to receive that interest. You see this exact thing happening with women who sleep with their ex boyfriends. Those women show interest to their exes in the form of sex. Of course, the ex isn’t going to turn down sex so he is going to accept that initial interest (sex.) The only problem here is that the initial interest the ex accepted was not real. He just did it for sex. What we are looking for here is REAL interest.

Now the question becomes: How do you get your ex boyfriend to show REAL interest in you?

As I stated above, some women, who employ the push/pull theory, think that showing disinterest in their ex is the way to go. However, I am afraid that the situation isn’t that easy to figure out.

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How do you think I would react if I went out on a date with you and all you did the entire time was show disinterest to me? I may have a few choice words for you but I would also be under the impression that there is no way that we could ever get back together (because you don’t want it to happen.)

Newsflash, the goal here is to get your ex boyfriend back. Not to scare him away so much that he never thinks he has a shot.

So, understanding this knowledge what are you supposed to do to get an ex to show you interest?

The answer is really right in front of your face. You need to show interest while showing disinterest! You essentially combine the two concepts (pushing and pulling.)

Now, combining pushing and pulling isn’t exactly easy to do. I mean, your ex has to think he has a shot and then he has to think he has not shot only to think he has a shot a few minutes later….

Kind of complicated huh? Don’t worry, that is what the rest of this guide is for!

Main Goals You Need To Accomplish On Your Date

(If you would like to learn about what to do to get a date with your ex please check out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)


I am the type of person that needs goals to accomplish. You see, at the beginning of every week I write down what I want to accomplish in that week. Once I can visualize those goals I focus my energies solely on achieving them. In a way, I am hoping you are the same way.

So, I have decided to set aside a section based solely on the goals you need to accomplish while you are on your date. This way, after the date is over you can come home and see how you did on the date. Of course, it’s a little more complicated than that as I am about to explain but the general idea here is to give you a checklist to see how you did on your date.

Lets get started!

Goal 1- Making The Date Memorable But Not Over The Top


(I am about to lose some serious man cred here but what the heck.)

Have you ever watched that show “The Bachelor?”

If you have then probably the thing that sticks out to you most is the amazing dates that these women get taken on. When you take your ex boyfriend out on a date (or he takes you out) you are not aiming to have a bachelor like date. Thats…. a little too strong.

At the same time you have to keep in mind that no one remembers the average dates. Instead, they remember the memorable ones. One of my favorite, albeit campy lines that I like to use whenever people ask me about dating is:

I don’t go on dates, I create memories

It is an extremely corny line but at the same time there is some truth to it. When your ex leaves his date with you, you want him to remember it for the right reasons. In essence, you want him to have a positive memory about it.

Here is where things get tricky though, you can’t make him remember it by taking him on a bachelor-esque date. Like I said above, that’s too much. You need to make the date exciting but at the same time you need to make it calm. Unfortunately, I can’t help you very much in this area because every guy is different and after all you know your man better than I do.

Don’t worry though, I am going to be talking exclusively about where to take him on a date later in this guide. For now just realize that you need to make it memorable but not “bachelor” memorable.

Goal 2- Getting A Second Date

made out alicia

This is really THE big goal.

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In fact, this is a very revolutionary idea that I introduce in PRO since I think too many women try too hard just to secure date one.

I am not ashamed to say that I have been on a lot of dates in my life. A few years ago I began to notice a trend with all the dates I have been on.

Getting the first date is relatively simple if you know what you are doing. However, getting a second date can be much harder. Why is that? Well, with any first date I am vetting a girl to see if she is worth taking out again. Of course, I know for a fact that the girl is doing the same exact thing to me.

There have been times where I opted to not take someone on a second date because I don’t see the point of ever seeing them again if there is no future there. On the flip side, there have been times where I desperately wanted to go out on a date with a girl and she completely blew me off.

Here is where things get interesting though, every time I get a second date with a girl I find that, that girl always ends up wanting to date me.

Second dates are key!

Of course, we are dealing with a situation where you are going out with your ex boyfriend so does the “second date” rule still apply?

You bet it does!

I have found that the women who tend to get their exes back are ALWAYS able to get a second date. Now, I am not saying that if you get a second date with your ex you are automatically going to get him back but you will be in a very good position to do so.

Keeping all this in mind there is still something I need to discuss with you.

Second Date Reminders

In the section above I alluded to the times where I desperately wanted a second date with a girl but never got it. I want to explore this train of thought a little bit further because it will help you understand the situation.

A big problem that I see when it comes to women, exes and second dates is that the women tend to count their chickens to soon. What do I mean by that? Well, just because your ex says he wants to see you again doesn’t mean that you will get the implied second date.

Every time I asked those girls who ,I did not get a second date with, if they would like to go out again they always replied with a simple:

“Sure, that sounds like fun!”


“Absolutely, lets do something next week.”

Of course, by the time the day of the date would come around I would always get a phone call like:

“Oh, something came up I can’t go…”


“I completely forgot…. sorry 🙁 .”

In fact, there was one time a girl literally stood me up for a second date by NEVER TEXTING ME AGAIN. So, just because your ex says he wants to see you it doesn’t mean much until you are actually on that date. THEN you can start counting your chickens!

How To Act On The Date

(If you need help on actually getting a date with your ex please click here.)

dating game

Ah.. Dating!

Going out on dates can be very fun. Of course, if you are going out on a date with your ex you are likely going to be very nervous. In this section I am going to talk a lot about the general rules of the date. Essentially it will show you how you need to act on the date.

The first thing I want to talk about with you is about hype!

Don’t Hype It Up

hype traing

A few years ago I asked a very pretty girl on a date. Now, I am used to going out on dates so asking another girl out shouldn’t have been all that big of a deal. Except in this case something was different. I found this particular girl a lot more attractive than any girl I had ever asked out before.

As a result, I began to hype the date up. That hype created pressure on my part to be perfect. I remember I felt so much hype for the date that I ended up washing my car, buying new clothes and planning out the first few things I would talk to her about.

The funny part was that I had never done this for a date before. Sure, I have been nervous before but I had never bought new clothes or felt the need to “script” what we would talk about. What it all boils down to was the hype I was feeling for this date. Since I thought this particular girl was more attractive than any of the girls I had ever taken out I thought that she was used to a certain standard on dates. This one simple little thought (that I had) is what created the hype I felt for the date.

Here is the funniest part about the whole thing though, the date I went on with her was by far the worst date I had ever been on. Not to ruffle any feathers if that particular girl is reading this page for some reason but I found her weird. She was very closed and quiet. She refused to have a normal conversation with me. It’s almost like she felt this sense of entitlement to have everything handed to her and I really did not like that.

Look, the main point I am trying to make here is do not hype your date with your ex up. That creates a pressure for things to go perfectly. The truth is that the date you go on with him doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be good enough to get a second date.

No Pressure Vibe

no pressure

Obviously I don’t want you to feel pressure when you go on a date with your ex. However, at the same time I don’t want your ex boyfriend to feel pressure either. Do your best to maintain a cheerful and happy vibe.

Would you like to know an interesting fact about men?

When I look back at all the dates I have been on in my life there is one that always sticks out in my mind. The funny thing is that the date wasn’t anything special. In fact, I am sure that almost all of the women reading this site have been taken on dates 10 times nicer than the one I am about to tell you about.

While the date wasn’t anything special the thing that really stuck out to me was that the girl I took on the date made me feel comfortable and safe. At the time I was relatively inexperienced with dating. It was only the second date I had ever been on and I was very nervous.

I think she could sense that too.

I remember my heart beating very fast, as if I had run a mile. I truly felt like a deer in the headlights. Two things stick out to me when I think back to that date.

The first thing was how nervous I was (as I have already stated.) Specifically, I was so nervous that as I was driving (at night) I forgot to turn my headlights on…. (I know, I know…)

The second thing was how my date could sense I was nervous and how at ease she put me about the whole thing. I remember as I was driving I felt this soft hand on my knee. I looked at her as she looked back at me and said:

“Hey, it’s ok you don’t have to be so nervous there is no pressure here!”

That one comment put me at ease and allowed me to relax.

The point of all of this is that if you can make your ex feel comfortable (because no doubt he will be feeling pressure too) you will be in a very good spot to obtain that second date.

The Friend Vibe

friend meme

So, how in the world are you supposed to create a no pressure vibe?

Again, your circumstances are unique because you have already had a relationship with the person you are about to take on a date so your approach needs to be different. I have found the best thing you can do to accomplish this is to create a “friend vibe.” Now, before you freak out on me for the fear of being friend-zoned I am not talking about a “friend vibe” in the context of being friend zoned. I am talking about a “friend vibe” in the context of how safe you feel when you are with your friends.

At one time you dated your ex boyfriend and had a relationship with him. I don’t care what you say to me, if you convinced him to enter into a relationship with you there had to be a connection he felt. That connection will always be there so you will always have that to your advantage.

Of course, when you are on your date with him I do want you to tap into that connection but not as much as you expect. Too many times have I seen women bank on the connection they built with their ex (in their previous relationship) while on their date only to fall flat on their faces. I will talk about how you can carefully tap into your past connection with him later but first lets get back to the friend vibe.

Any time you go out with your friends you feel safe. When you feel safe you are more likely to have fun. When you have fun, chances are that you want to see the person you had fun with again. That is the beauty of giving off a “friend vibe.” It allows you to fly in under the radar while giving you the opportunity to carefully rebuild attraction in your ex boyfriend.

Looks Matter

(I aim to misbehave in this section so buckle up.)

looks matter

Whoever said “looks don’t matter” is an idiot…

Yes, I said it ok (deal with it 😉 .)

I think it’s a pet peeve of mine when I hear someone saying that “looks don’t matter.” I remember there was an English teacher that I had in high school that went on this rant about looks not mattering. Now, I am a pretty well behaved guy when it comes to school but this teachers rant really set me off.

I remember calmly raising my hand and basically doing my best to dispel this guys (the teacher) “looks belief.” I admit that I could have handled it better than I did but still, I felt he was wrong about what he was saying and I was sticking to my guns. Anyways, the girls in the room (who were clearly buying into this teachers rant) laid in to me. I mean, they really let me have it. Here is the problem though, they were all wrong.

I am a straight male and I can tell you up front that looks really do matter to me and all the other men out there. Personality matters just as much in the long run (as I explain in the ungettable girl guide) but with initial first impressions it’s all about the looks.

The truth is that looks shouldn’t matter but they do so you just have to deal with it.

Now, I bet you are wondering what this has to do with your date?

How You Need To Look On Your Date


Amazing…. you need to look absolutely amazing.

You only get one chance to impress your ex boyfriend with your looks on this date and you better take advantage of it.

A few weeks ago one woman asked me “how should I look on my date?

Unfortunately, I chickened out of giving her a proper answer because I was tired and in order to give her the proper answer I needed to give a long in-depth explanation of something very complicated, the imagination effect.

The Imagination Effect

This is good stuff so you may want to pay attention here. I am about to give you the secret to attracting any man (including your ex.)

We have already established above that men always want what they cant have (refer to push/pull.) However, another interesting thing about men is they want what their imagination wants.

…. Wait, WHAT?

It is kind of hard to explain (I’ll admit that) but I think I can do it best with an example. I want you to take a look at the picture below:

beautiful girl staring

What do you see when you look at this picture?

Well, I am not a woman but I imagine you see a pretty blonde girl staring out of the window/porch. I mean, that is what is technically what’s happening here.

Want to know what men see when they look at this picture?

(or better yet what they imagine?)

When they look at this picture I see a potential girlfriend. They see someone who you can curl up on the couch and feel safe with (but alive at the same time.) They see someone who is gentle but playful. Someone who isn’t afraid to look them in the eye. Someone with a beautiful smile. Someone they could have long intense conversations with. Someone who wants to be held. Someone worth holding!

In other words, men can insert themselves into an alternate reality with them.

Do you get the imagination effect yet?

Men tend to imagine what life could potentially be like with the woman they are on a date with. There are times where I am on a date and I will find myself daydreaming about what a “potential future” with this girl could be like. If I like the future then that makes me more attracted her. Of course, if I don’t like the future then her chances with me are over. I’ll admit that it’s a warped way to look at things since reality is NEVER as good as a daydream but this is how men can sometimes choose women.

So, are you still wondering how you need to look on your date?

It’s quite simple really.

You need to look how you want to be perceived or imagined by your date :).

The Big No No’s On A Date

(If you need help getting a date with your ex boyfriend check out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)

no bear meme

Lets talk about what NOT to do on a date. Believe it or not but I think you are going to get a lot from this particular section.

The way this works is simple. I am going to talk in-depth about the biggest no no’s that women can commit on dates. So, when you look below and see “Big No No # (insert number)” it will be the particular mistake I will be focusing on in that section. I really want you to understand everything so I am going to do my best to explain it to you.

Lets get started!

Big No No #1- Getting Into An Argument

chuck norris

Couples fight…

It is completely normal to get into an argument while you are dating someone. In fact, I would be worried if you never got into one. However, if you are out on a date I need you to take an unbreakable oath:

“I will under NO CIRCUMSTANCES get into an argument with my ex while I am out on a date with him.”

Think of it like this. What gets accomplished with an argument? You clearly want your ex boyfriend back so do you think arguing with him is going to help you achieve that goal? This is one of the challenges of going out on a date with your ex. You see, it is a lot easier to remain calm, cool and collected when you are texting because you have time to think and process. The entire game changes when you are seeing your man in person. No longer do you have time to think. Everything is going to happen fast and the second he says something you don’t like you are going to make a face. When you make that face he is going to get angry. When he gets angry you are going to get angry and then we have our very own full blown argument.


I cannot stress this enough. If he says something you don’t like bite your lip and just take it. Of course, most arguments tend to get started when you talk about your previous relationship…

Big No No #2- Talking About Your Previous Relationship

fight club

The first rule of fight club… “We do not talk about fight club.”

The second rule of fight club… “WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB.”

Ahh… I love that movie. Ahem, nerdiness aside.

The first rule of going on a date with your ex boyfriend… “We do not talk about our relationship.”

The second rule of going on a date with your ex boyfriend… “WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP.”

I am sorry I couldn’t resist ;).

Why am I telling you to not talk about your previous relationship with your ex boyfriend?

Could it be that, that is a hotbed for another argument? Well, that is a part of it but there is more to it than that. Talking about a failed relationship always bums me out. Heck, sometimes talking to you guys in the comments bums me out because I feel so bad for what you are going through. When you take your ex out on a date you don’t want him to remember it as the date where he had to remember a relationship that failed. That usually isn’t the way to get a second date.

Now, with that in mind there may be a time where you ex boyfriend actively brings up a memory from the failed relationship. If he does this do your very best to not react to it (him talking about the memory.) Just listen to what he has to say, nod your head a lot and be cool with everything.

If you have to, agree with them, to mellow things out. In this case I want you to do more listening than talking.

Going on a date with an ex is all about living in the moment. Not remembering the past.

Big No No #3- Not Keeping The Date Short Enough

talk to much

Sadly this is something that I have personal experience with (which is why I know it’s a mistake.)

I like going out on dates, I really do. Well, let me be more specific. I like going out on dates with women I actually want to date. Unfortunately, I have made a lot of mistakes in the past during my dates. Probably the biggest one is spending too much time with them on a date.

One girl in particular springs to mind. This particular girl was someone I desperately wanted to date (which as I learned any time “desperation” is involved it is a recipe for disaster.) I ended up meeting her on a Friday and we stayed up the entire night (until 5 a.m.) texting back and forth. Somewhere in the craziness of texting she suggested that we go out on a date on Saturday (the very next day.) I think the date started at 11 a.m. on a Saturday and ended at 9 p.m.

So, I went on a 10 hr date (math isn’t my strong suit so correct me if I am wrong.)

Boy was that a mistake. I could tell the next day that she was burnt out and I had ruined my chance. If I had just kept the date short and left her wanting more I might have ended up dating her… but I didn’t (and I only have myself to blame.)

If you are going to see your ex boyfriend for the first time in a while I don’t want you to spend a lot of time with him. Your main goal here is to get a second date and the best way to do that is to intrigue him while you are on the date with him and then suddenly “have to leave.”

So, this raises an interesting question.

What is an ideal timeframe for a date with your ex?

I would say keep the date somewhere between 30min – 1 hr and 30min. Preferably the one hourish range. That leaves your ex intrigued but wanting more ;).

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Where To Go Out On A Date?

dont be a hero

I am one of the simplest guys out there. I haven’t been on many “true” fancy dates. It’s not that I am opposed to it. In fact, I would very much like to go on a fancy date. I have just learned something about dating through my own personal experience. It doesn’t take a “fancy date” to have a great time. It’s all about the connection you build with the other person. A girl could take me to a McDonalds and as long as I have a strong connection with her I would be more than happy.

With that being said, I do have a few tricks up my sleeve for “date ideas.”

Now, I will admit that you are at a bit of a disadvantage because I am a guy and I have a guys perspective on “date ideas.” Nevertheless, I am going to tell you my personal views on dating location and you can take from it what you want.

If I am really interested in a girl I am not going to take her to the movies. Too many guys make the mistake of doing the dinner/movie combination. I can understand why they do it too because it’s easy. However, spending two hours in a dark theater surrounded by strangers is hardly my idea of a way to form a connection with someone. That is the biggest problem with the movies. You can’t form any real connection because you are forced to be quiet.

I want to go somewhere that can be fun (for both parties) but quiet enough to where you can talk and build or rebuild a connection with someone.  My go to date for women I am taking out the first time is going to sound corny but it works.

Laser tag!

I actually go the idea from How I Met Your Mother and let me tell you it works! You see, laser tag is exciting enough to remember but it also can be fun if you get put on the same team. Besides, after the game is finished you can sit down and talk. The way I like to incorporate laser tag on a first date is pretty simple. What I will do is ask a girl out on a date but I will do so in a very specific way. I will call her up and ask her something like:

“Hey, my friends and their girlfriends are going to play laser tag do you want to come?”

If she says yes then I know I am golden because not only will she have a great time at laser tag but I can get my friends to say good things about me which will shape her perception of me.

Plus I have a lot of interesting stories from this tactic. I will tell you one before I move on.

I took one girl to laser tag (but I just asked her to do it one on one with no friends involved.) At the time I was nursing a stress fracture in my left foot. It was in the process of healing but it was still pretty messed up. Anyways, playing laser tag with this girl on a date was not a good idea because I refractured my foot during the game and couldn’t walk after that. I was in an extreme amount of pain.

I remember that we had taken my car so I had to drive her back. The entire drive my foot was screaming in pain and I couldn’t wait to just get her out of my car and go home. When the time finally came to drop her off she looked over at me and smiled. I could tell she was giving me the “signs” for a kiss.

“She actually wants a kiss?”

She reached in for a “hug” that I think she wanted to turn into a kiss. As she stopped hugging she looked up at me for the kiss and I said the following:

“Well, it was fun I am going to go home now.”

I didn’t want to kiss her. I had a broken foot and I wanted to go home and ice the darn thing. I essentially threw here out of my car (in a nice way of course.) A decision that I don’t regret because I don’t think there was a future there with this girl.

Laser Tag Ideas May Be Too Big For You

Picking a date location, when it comes to your ex boyfriend, will mostly depend on your overall grasp of the situation you are in.

For example, if you know that your ex boyfriend isn’t going to be receptive of going to laser tag you may need to opt for something more quiet and serene. I have had many fantastic “mini” dates at Starbucks. The reason I mention Starbucks is because the one where I live has a lot of comfortable couches and chairs that you can sit in and just carry a conversation.

Whatever you choose to do with your ex boyfriend make sure it is somewhere where the two of you can just enjoy each others company.

Physical Contact

(Need help actually getting a date with your ex? Check out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)

don't touch me

Ah! now we are getting to the good stuff. In this section I am going to touch (well punned 😉 ) on a complicated subject, physical contact.

I am going to be talking about things like hugging, kissing and whether or not you can use them on your date. I want to take a timeout for a second to voice my frustration with dating and physical contact. Essentially I am about to go on a rant so if you want to skip it just move ahead to the “rules for hugging” section below.

One of my biggest frustrations about dating is that whenever I go on a first date I never know what to do. Should I kiss her? Should I not kiss her? I literally wish there was a class that they taught in high school covering this stuff because I could have saved myself from some extremely embarrassing situations (don’t worry you will hear all about them.) Nevertheless, I have learned a lot from the school of hard knocks and picked up some valuable knowledge along the way. So, please feel free to view this section as your “physical contact” handbook because that is what I am intending to do here.

Rules For Hugging


Hugging is only awkward if someone makes it awkward.

I remember when I first started dating the biggest question in my mind was always “should I hug her right off the bat?” The answer to that question is a resounding YES!

Look, hugging breaks the barrier for physical contact. Any time I go on a date with someone the very first thing I do is walk up to them with my arms outstretched (the universal sign for a hug) and they accept my hug every single time. I recommend that you do the same thing. It doesn’t have to be an awkward thing either. Just walk up to your ex with a big smile and arms outstretched and the next thing you know the two of you are hugging eachother.

Now, where I see some women getting in trouble with hugging is when they hold the hug longer than it should be held.

Let me break it down for you.

There are two types of hugs. The short hug and the long hug.

  • The Short Hug- A quick, painless hug. It is not held for a long time. It is a simple hug and release.
  • The Long Hug- This hug has meaning behind it. It IS held for a long time. There is either no release or the release happens a 10-30 seconds after the initial hug.

So, we have already established that we are going to start the date off with a hug now the question becomes which hug should we start with?

Well, I guarantee that you are going to freak your ex boyfriend out if you see him and then give him one of those long hugs right off the bat. Remember the push/pull section above? People who do long hugs (when the time ISN’T right) are immediately put in the pull category. Remember pullers are people who show too much interest.

That means that you are shooting for a short hug. Walk up to him (smile and arms outstretched) and give him a nice hug. BUT it is really important that the hug doesn’t last a long time. It is just a simple hug and release like I explained above.

Rules For Kissing

now kiss

This is the subject I really wanted to cover. I have some interesting stories to share and also some interesting information I learned.

I think I want to start first by saying you aren’t required to kiss your ex boyfriend on a date. Though, I will say it is a good thing if you do because it is a sign that he really has some feelings for you. BUT in spite of all of this you need to make sure that the kissing doesn’t lead to sex. Remember, one of our main goals here is to get a second date (it isn’t to sleep with him.) I feel compelled to mention that because I see some women making this mistake and it usually never works out for them.

Knowing IF You Should Kiss Him Or Not?

This is kind of a big deal. There will be some ex boyfriends who are “kiss ready” while at the same time there will be some that aren’t. I am going to give you a brief rundown of some of the signs that your ex could be “kiss ready.”

  • If he is flirting and making no apologies about it.
  • If there is a lot of physical contact initiated by him.
  • If HE holds the initial hug longer than you do.
  • If he can’t take his eyes off of you.

What can happen if an ex isn’t kiss ready? Well, I have a little story for you.

When I was 20 years old I ended up going on a date with a girl one night. I wasn’t really date savvy at the time so I made a lot of mistakes. For one, I did the dreaded dinner and movie combination but the biggest mistake I made was not reading the signs correctly and going in for a kiss when I had no reason to.

I was very nervous but I really wanted to kiss this girl. So, after I got my courage up I went in for the kiss. I can still see her face to this day.

She had this disgusted look on her face and looked at me like I was an idiot.

“What do you think you are doing?”

Oh…. God….

I panicked immediately “Ummm… I don’t know.”

She proceeded to tell me that I was a “really nice guy” but she just saw us as friends. Yup, I got friendzoned after that.

So, as a guy I learned from that experience. I know that you have to search for the signs that a girl wants you to kiss her. This leads us to our next point:

How To Get A Guy To Kiss You

kiss meme

I have never had a girl initiate a kiss with me…. (unfortunately :(.)

Instead, I have always had to initiate a kiss with a girl and I can tell you that for 98% of guys out there it is the same. When I look at your situation (you being on a date with your ex) I am under the firm belief that these societal standards should remain in place. That means that if you want a guy to kiss you he is going to have to do so under his own power.

Of course, there are certain hints that you can drop (that he will pick up on) that will tell him it is ok for him to kiss you. Men will be looking for these hints and if they deem the situation appropriate they will kiss you. It is as simple as that. Lets take a look at a few of the most popular hints that you can drop.

A flirtatious Smile When You Look At Your Date

You can think one of my friends for this little nugget of information (she is a model so she knows what shes talking about.)

If you send a flirtatious smile your exes way throughout the date you can (in a way) condition him to kiss you. Now, a flirtatious smile alone isn’t going to be your ticket to a kiss but it can be a stepping stone to one and in my book that is a very good thing.

Play With Your Teeth/Lips

This is something I began to notice women do when they are very attracted to you. I think a visual aid here is the best way to describe this phenomenon. I want you to take a look at the picture below:


Wow! Just looking at that picture kind of turns me on! Do you see how she is kind of dropping the hint “hey, I want you to kiss me here?” If done correctly this can be another amazing stepping stone to getting him to kiss you.

Play With Your Hair Nervously

This is my favorite thing in the entire world. Seriously I live for making a woman do this. One thing I have noticed about women who are attracted to me (and want me to kiss them) is they do this funny thing with their hair. Again, I want to give you another visual que to look at.

hair flip

What do you notice about this picture?

I will tell you what I notice. I notice a girl who is in the process of pulling her hair back behind her ear (my favorite thing that women do EVER!) A woman who does this on a date after something I say definitely likes me. It is like this nervous tick that is genetic among all of you and I love it.

Though back to the point playing with your hair is a big indicator that you want a man to kiss you.

The Head Lean Que

This is an obvious one.

(So, obvious that I actually missed this hint once upon a time.)

Before I tell another embarrassing story let me explain what the “head lean” que is. Basically, any time you are sitting next to a guy and you lean your head on his shoulder it is another way of dropping a hint that you want to be kissed.

Now, lets get to the good stuff, more embarrassing stories!

When I was 20 years old I was always hanging out with a girl that was very pretty.  We weren’t out on a legitimate date when the “head lean” happened but we were just hanging around after college classes. Anyways, eventually we got into a situation where we were sitting next to each other and she leaned her head on my shoulder.

I was schocked.

I think deep down I knew what she was “hinting” at but I was too scared to do anything about it. In other words, I was a big chicken and froze up. She gave me multiple opportunities to kiss her as well but I would always freeze up every time. She’s “out of my league” I would think.

I know, I know I am a total idiot and I regret it every single day. However, it was that failure that caused me to take more chances. So, in a way it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

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366 thoughts on “What To Do On A Date With Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Collette

    October 20, 2020 at 6:10 pm


    This is my first time commenting but wanted to share my story and get some advice?

    I was my ex for 3 years. We split up almost 3 months ago. I ended it over the phone impulsively. We got on great, really do love eachother. We have children with other people and his ex wife was causing a lot of problems. He lived in fear that she would take his daughter away (she’s like that) it caused a lot of strain because he was mentally abused by her for years so didn’t have the courage to stand up to her. Anyway, we had a phone call which lead to me saying this isn’t working and I ended it. Didn’t speak for 10 days and I reached out. He wasn’t interested in talking things through cause I’d hurt him by giving up. I left him alone and then tried again after 2 weeks. I got the same reaction. Then I found this website. I immediately started no contact. I knew the right date to reach out which turned out to be 34 days. He responded positively but lightly. I left it typically 5-6 days and this went on for a month. I knew from the site this was going to be a long process so I just continued to work on me – which I’ve done very well at. I asked to meet and he said maybe in a couple of weeks. I started NC again. Last week (2 weeks later) he reached out and said it would be really nice to see me. I replied 2 days later giving him my availability. He said he wanted to meet and would be in touch. 5 days later he reached out and set a date and time. That was today at 1. I looked great but not over the top. As soon as I seen him, he was smiling ear to ear. Give me a very long hug that I had to pull away from because we were in a restaurant. We talked about the relationship. He was very sorry, drew tears multiple times. Said he loves me, misses me and I’m still his bestfriend. We didn’t talk about getting back together. We talked about mistakes we’d made. I made it clear I had learnt from the past and said whoever I commit to next, whether It’s him or someone else will get the best me. We laughed a lot. There was hand holding throughout and a kiss at the end. He said he was finally happy again now he’d seen me. I made a cheeky comment saying I was baby free on his birthday if he wanted to celebrate with me to let me know but otherwise I’ll make other plans (his birthday is in 12 days) he left beaming, smiling, laughing. He watched me leave. I know I didn’t come on too strong. He knows how much I’ve grown in the last 3 months. Commented on it many times. Said how proud he was.

    Now I’m not going to text immediately. I’ll text in a week if I haven’t heard anything. Things are going beyond what I ever thought we would after we broke up, which I’ve learnt from this site!! So thank you!! Now I’m at a point where I’m just going to carry doing me, I’ve done my ungettable girl and definitely left an impression. The problem I have is I can see he’s still not mentally in the right frame of mind to start a new relationship. He has some more healing to do. So we’re not out the woods. I would love to work it out with him because love was never our problem. He was typically wondering about me, if I was happy, what I was doing. Now he’s got the confirmation that i was happy to see him, will he now lose interest. I’m not really sure what to do from here. I’ll see if he asks me out for his birthday, if not I will initiate it so I guess all I can do is wait it out. But if he’s not emotionally ready yet, what do I do. I’ll continue to work on me but I really don’t want to do anything to mess it up at this point. I’ve come so far. Any advise please?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 28, 2020 at 2:06 am

      Hi Collette, it sounds as if you have been following the program and well and working on yourself well too! Good for you! I would suggest that you keep going as you are and show your ex that you are not going to chase him, keep reading articles about how to move from stage to stage of this program.

  2. Emma

    September 14, 2019 at 6:04 am

    Me and my ex were together for 4 years (we broke up once by him last year). This time I did NC for 30 days and I haven’t seen my ex since our break up over 2 months ago. I did the texting framework which hasn’t quite worked out for me as it’s always me messaging him and initiating texts. He doesn’t text back till a day later and I can see that he’s online on WhatsApp. I asked if we could meet which he agreed and he said only as friends and he does not want me to expect anything more as he needs to focus on himself. We are supposed to meet next week but we haven’t texted each since agreeing to meet up which was last week. What do I do now? Do I text him and chase him? He doesn’t seem to want to build rapport with me and he seems like he can’t be bothered with me, I even have the feeling he will cancel on me. I’ve just given up on hope now.

    Any advice would be great!

  3. Catalina

    August 6, 2019 at 3:05 am

    Ok, my ex boyfriend broke up with me and I did the no contact rule for a month and a half. When I finally called him he was overjoyed with excitement and of course I got excited!

    He said he wanted to see me and I then began to play hard to get this was stupid. I over did it and we had agreed on a date of course after I was a little apprehensive of weather or not we should meet! Sunday came and neither one of us texted and when I finally did it was passed 7 p.m. he sounded annoyed and just cut me off! I told him 2 days later I was ready to meet and he said he wasn’t!

    The first time he asked me for a hug and I said we could wait until Sunday, which never happened. Then I asked him for a hug and he said yes, I stopped by gave him one and he kissed me many times and could stop doing so!

    Then I said if he was ready to sit and talk and he said yes, but at the end of the date he said he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship and but he wanted to start over and see how things infold. I broke all rules and ruined it all because this is not what I wanted to hear. He had asked me to go to church but I think after my reaction I scared him away. We didn’t go to church and I texted him today if he can give me an hour so I can explain why I reacted the way I did!

    I need to repair what I did on my date and my next meet with him is in 3 days!!!!!! Help!!!

  4. Olivia

    June 29, 2019 at 8:17 am

    Hello, my ex broke up with me because he has been really struggling with work (he owns his own business), just found out he has two siblings he’d never met before and mentally it has all become too much. He said he can’t be with me at the moment because he can’t give the relationship his all and really needs space and time alone to sort his head out but might be ready in the future. He has recently started therapy to work on himself. When we broke up, I didn’t beg him, i accepted his decision as I want him to be happy and get better and sort his deamons. I was thinking I should give him 2-3 months to sort himself out (not contacting him) and then I should reach out. It’s been 2 weeks since we broke up. I just don’t think this is the end as we never argued and we didn’t break up because of lost love. What should I do? We had been together almost a year and he said he thought it best to break it up now before we got too serious and he went even more into himself

  5. Angie

    November 11, 2018 at 10:22 pm

    LD boy-friend broke up with me, seeing someone else but still wanted to meet me….I did around 20 days of NC before the date and he was liking everything I was posting. Then we met halfway between our cities. Amazing date, he apologised for the way he talked to me during the phone call that led to the breakup. Then during lunch he immediately said he wanted to visit me in my town next and he was a bit touchy and flirty. When he broke up he said he was emotionally confused cuz he had met another woman he felt attracted to and he didn’t know about us anymore. I played it cool and let it go and set up the famous date I’m describing in 3 week time from then. I could tell he wanted to kiss me by the way he was complimenting my look, the touchiness but then I didn’t really feel like going for it. I asked him about the other woman instead and said they were seeing each other. So I asked him what he wanted to do with us. He said he wanted to continue to hang out platonically and get to know each other and see where things goes. I took it well, didn’t beg or plead, didn’t really answer to that cuz I wanted to think it through. He’s still very caring and had expressed in every single possible way the intention of seeing me again, finding excuses to stay I touch later on. Just to mention a stupid excuse…we both love reading and we went to a bookshop on this date…said I had a book from an author he loves and asked me to look for it cuz he would come pick it up….wells, we live 3 hours away lol.

    I’m very confused. During our date though I never expressed the idea that I really thought it would be a good idea to get back together. I guess I did the push/pull quite well.

    What should I do next??

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 12, 2018 at 12:09 am

      Hi Angie!

      I know breakups can be confusing. You guys seems to be stuck in that middle post breakup zone of pushing and pulling. You might want to take a look at my program and then size up which approach you would like to employ. I have lots of tools and resources…just check out my home page!

  6. Elise

    November 9, 2018 at 10:37 pm

    I have been texting with my ex for a few weeks. How to tell when would be the right time to ask my ex out? I’m not sure if he would like to see me if I ask him out now…

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 10, 2018 at 1:58 am

      Probably best to consult my ebook for details, but the time is now!

  7. Sarah

    March 27, 2018 at 3:45 am

    My ex and I went on a date I feel like everything went out but at the end he just patted my back and rubbed it and said we need to hang again soon. I really wanted a hug or a kiss. Is he not interested in me? Or does he look at me as a friend now?

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 3, 2018 at 1:38 am

      You typically have to work up to the hugs and kisses.

      Often the #1 mistake I see women making is going on a date without having any type of attraction built up.

  8. Sara

    February 28, 2018 at 10:55 pm

    Hi Amor,
    For first date what kind of topics should we talk about? I just want to get an idea of the kind of topics I should avoid or talk about. I know I should not be mentioning our previous relationship for sure. I don’t want to talk about work etc I feel that could get boring. What do you think are some topics that are good to open? Thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 1, 2018 at 2:24 pm

  9. meghan

    November 2, 2017 at 2:00 am

    Hi Team,

    I have a ‘meet up’ with my ex tomorrow night. Obviously I am planning on looking my best, and giving off a uncaring /friend vibe to make him comfortable…… but he explicitly said he only wants to catch up as friends, and close the book on our relationship in a positive way……

    The back story is, we had been seeing each other for almost 2 years but never were exclusive because I lived in another country for 3 months at a time.

    I finally moved to the same city as him, and invited him to my big birthday party at my family’s cabin, where I had about 35 people staying over. He basically was within 10 miles of my place but ‘couldn’t make it’ and blew it off.

    Of course I was furious, and he tried to make it up to me over a birthday dinner the next week- I told him that it was not cool and that I needed some time to think about things….

    Here’s where shit hits the fan. 2 days later I got too drunk at a concert that we went to separately, found him and then cursed him out and yelled at him in front of all of his friends……

    this was in august, he has been reaching out on snapchat / Instagram here and there probably once a week, but I haven’t seen him since- I have tried to apologize in person but he has been out of town every weekend for the last 2 months.

    So tomorrow is the day- he said the last time we hung it really threw him off, and thinks catching up should be friendly if anything.

    Is there anything I can do further? Are my chances out to change his mind. I want him back so badly.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 3, 2017 at 10:03 pm

      Hi Meghan,

      Start the no contact rule after it..

  10. meghan

    November 2, 2017 at 12:07 am

    Hi Team,

    I have a ‘meet up’ with my ex tomorrow night. Obviously I am planning on looking my best, and giving off a uncaring /friend vibe to make him comfortable…… but he explicitly said he only wants to catch up as friends, and close the book on our relationship in a positive way……

    The back story is, we had been seeing each other for almost 2 years but never were exclusive because I lived in another country for 3 months at a time.

    I finally moved to the same city as him, and invited him to my big birthday party at my family’s cabin, where I had about 35 people staying over. He basically was within 10 miles of my place but ‘couldn’t make it’ and blew it off.

    Of course I was furious, and he tried to make it up to me over a birthday dinner the next week- I told him that it was not cool and that I needed some time to think about things….

    Here’s where shit hits the fan. 2 days later I got too drunk at a concert that we went to separately, found him and then cursed him out and yelled at him in front of all of his friends……

    this was in august, he has been reaching out on snapchat / Instagram here and there probably once a week, but I haven’t seen him since- I have tried to apologize in person but he has been out of town every weekend for the last 2 months.

    So tomorrow is the day- he said the last time we hung it really threw him off, and thinks catching up should be friendly if anything.

    Is there anything I can do further? Are my chances out to change his mind. I want him back so badly.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 3, 2017 at 3:41 pm

      Hi Meghan,

      Don’t be desperate.. Because that will show once you get frustrated with him..

  11. Christina

    August 30, 2017 at 3:44 pm

    So my boyfriend of 1.5 yrs broke up with me 1.5 months ago. I did everything wrong begged, pleaded very desperate. We had a great relationship as far as we got along great, we had so much fun together, we rarely fought. I also go very close with his family we would go to family dinners and events every week. His grandmother still texts me today. He is 25 and I am 30. I have been in a couple LTRs the last one being 7 yrs, however I was his longest relationship. He lost his mother when he was in high school so he has learned how to deal with crazy loss and bottle it up and push it down. He is a very logical person and I am more wacky. We met at the gym and fell hard for each other. However, I had just been out of my 7yr relationship for only a couple months, I was not expecting to meet someone else right away. I think I was still dealing with a lot of inner turmoil and grief from the last relationship (I broke up with him, but still care about him a lot). So I think there was a lot with me under the surface and about 6 times throughout the 1.5 yrs I had moments where I just lashed out and compared him to my ex, yelled, was frustrated and it was bad when it did happen, this would only happen if I was very intoxicated. This was have a very big effect on him and he would pull away and have the talk with me “this cant happen again or I’m gone” type thing. so needless to say we went 10 mths of bliss, however, I became very clingy, needy. I lost a lot of friends when my 7yr ex and I broke up and I felt very dependent on my new boyfriend for my happiness. He is very independent and had a lot going on and I feel like I didn’t have anything going on. I did when we started dating and I think that is what attracted me to him. I also gained 20lbs while we were together, due to a new job, my inner stress, we both got minor injuries so we both stopped the gym for a while and that was something that really bonded us. I think we just got into a very routine relationship. When he broke up with me he told me he just didn’t see a future with me, he doesn’t think he can make me happy, I’m not the one. So after a all the begging (we hooked up twice) and LC for a month (had to get my things from our house) we were always friendly and there would be sometimes a week where we wouldn’t talk and he never initiated any contact, it was me but it was always friendly between us. I went NC after a month and did it for 11days (very difficult). This is the longest I had ever gone with out talking to him. Well I had some of my camera equipment still at his house (we do freelance videography together), so I just texted him after the 11 days asking if anyone was around his house where I could come get my equipment. He then replied quickly and said he was around for a couple hours. So we live near each other (I had to move in with my mom while I find a new place, she lives 5 min from him). So the gym that we both go to is near his house so I was planning on getting the equipment and going to the gym. So I went there, and in this 1.5 mths I have (even during the LC for the first month) I have been hanging out with friends, going to the gym more trying to focus on myself and I have since lost most of the weight I gained while we were together so I have to say I was looking pretty good in my gym clothes when he saw me. He got up and gave me a really good hug, smiling. He then proceeded to tell me I look great and he can tell I have been working hard. I acted happy, no cares in the world. We talked for a little bit and caught up it was not awkward. So after 10-15 min of chatter I told him that I had to head out. He asked if I was going to the gym and I said yeah. He then proceeded to say “well I could probably go to the gym, I need to go to the gym” to which I replied very chill-like “well I’m headed out, you can jump in the car if you want but I gotta get moving” he then said “yeah okay I wanna go.” so we went to the gym together…take you mind this is something that brought us together and we used to work out together all the time. While we were there I was very upbeat, friendly, no pressure. I did not try to be very flirty, just smiley and chill.. friendly. However, he was “playground” flirting with me. Smacking my stomach during crunches, cute little pokes. He even wanted to extend our workout, but I said I had plans that evening so I couldn’t stay longer. while we were hanging out he also suggested hitting up this new natural food market that opened up near us saying “we should go check that out this week” which caught me off guard. I also rock climb a lot, his injury gets irritated when he rock climbs but he also was like “maybe in a few weeks, I can come rock climb with you.” I mean this is coming from someone who has not initiate contact or a hangout with me in pretty much 1.5 mths, for the first month after the break up it was always me. Then we said goodbye he gave me a good hug and said “okay so yeah, i’ll talk to you in a couple days” which in my mind I was like “why, we have nothing more to do or talk about” but I just said “okay” smiled and left. So the next day he was set to have 2 wisdom teeth pulled. I told myself to just go back to NC, we had a great time hanging out and he was showing signs of interest so I did not want to push it, so I did not text him the next day.. but HE TEXTED ME in the morning just saying something like a countdown to his teeth pulling.. he then proceeded to have a text convo with me.. I was friendly but short with each reply. This is the first time he has texted me first in a LONG time. This transpired yesterday, that is why I am writing now. He was very engaged in texting and he has never been much of a text convo person to begin with so it was surprising he kept the conversation going. so that night (last night) he asked if I would like to hangout, watch a movie chill sometime this week. He is swollen up from the wisdom teeth so I know he is not trying to hook up. I think when we went to the gym and he saw that I was moving forward, looking good, no pressure on him, no negativity it may have sparked something in him. I replied with … well yah I may be able to hang out this week, I was so excited he has not done this and has been “drawing the line” since we broke up. He then said “yeah great, maybe tomorrow evening or the next day if your free” … I was actually free both nights but not to seem too desperate I said.. I think I could hang for a little bit on Thursday evening (tomorrow). This conversation happened yesterday. We are going to have a little wisdom teeth milkshake party (two of us) due to his wisdom teeth…so after all that my question is, how should I act… we are just going to be at his house. He can’t really go out and do anything right now since he just got his teeth yesterday. I was planning on looking awesome (casual but awesome) going over being upbeat, friend like.. happy. So if we end up watching a movie or something should I sit on a different couch then him? How long should I stay. I know after reading all the articles this is not the “ideal” hangout date for an ex.. but it is a big step with how he has been acting towards me and I don’t want to scare him away by turning away when it feels like it would never get to the point where he would try to initiate contact with me. I love him so much.. and I just want to go over.. have a fun night, make some milkshakes. I’m not planning on being touchy.. and today I am not texting him since I will be seeing him tomorrow and we texted today. Sorry so long, just need to know how I should act tomorrow night, what should I do after.. go back to NC or LC?

    1. Christina

      August 30, 2017 at 4:55 pm

      last sentence was supposed to read “and today I am not texting him since I will be seeing him tomorrow and we texted yesterday” .. and to add.. part of me wants to text and check on him as far as his healing, but I’m going to try not too.
      I also meant to say earlier in the message that “we had 10 mths of bliss and then I had another freak out” which I think was what got the whole breakup ball rolling. I know he loves me. I am the first girl he has told he loves, his longest relationship.. and we are so good together. I am seeing a counselor to get over my issues so I have no more drunken random freakouts.. which like I said are very few and far between.. for the most part I think the break up was due to routine, boredom and maybe some lack of attraction.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 31, 2017 at 7:19 pm

      Limited nc is for co parents and co workers or housemates only.. So that means you have to do full nc, at least 30 days and to stick to it this time because the more you do it, the less it can help you

  12. Kim

    April 3, 2017 at 8:07 pm

    Hi there! I broke it off & moved out of my ex’s house. I hurt him by leaving. It’s been (4) months. I do hope, after some growing on both our parts, we can get back together, if it’s right.
    We have remained friends. I never approach him; he approaches me. So we have dinner about once a month.
    At this juncture, I have no idea if he still has any feelings for me. I’m assuming he only sees me as a friend.
    Last week, he picked me up and we had dinner, then we went to our old ice cream place. He was apologetic for things like his road rage that night lol, and texting while with me etc. That surprised me! He’s not a big apology person.
    We had a great time. Very relaxing evening. Some laughs. He walked me to my door after. He came in, said hi to my dog, whom he hasn’t seen since I moved out.
    I walked him out. He hugged me. It was a slightly longer hug.
    Here is where I get confused and am in agony. After the hug, it looked like he was about to lean forward for kiss/cheek kiss. But then he stopped himself. So to let him know the “door is open” I leaned upward, ending with us simultaneously kissing the other on the cheek.
    Our evening felt like a first date. And he did kiss me on the cheek on our first date when we met.
    We always hug after our monthly dinners. But this is the first time he’s put his lips on me, in about 5-6 months.
    My confusion lies in, I am unsure of how he feels for me. And it hurts. Does the kiss on the cheek, mean anything? I was trying to be just friends with him bc I didn’t think I had a chance with him again. But this evening we had, I could still sense a connection between us. I don’t know where he stands. What do you think? Does he still have feelings for me, when I thought he didn’t?
    I don’t know if I should leave the door open or not.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 4, 2017 at 5:17 pm

      Hi Kim,

      why don’t you ask him? Because for me, you’re broken up, there’s no need to see each other once a month anymore after that

  13. Alex

    March 7, 2017 at 6:10 pm

    Last night, I asked my ex if he would like to come to a basketball game with me. He said it may be best if bring someone who is close to me, and I spoke to this and told him that I understand we aren’t as close as we used to be, and that it is unfortunate, but that I thought of him immediately (he was always saying that he valued memories and experiences more than anything) when I got the tickets, and I just was hoping for a no pressure fun basketball game. He sort of lashed out and said that he doesn’t understand how it would be “no pressure/fun” – this is because I ventured into needy territory a bit, but have since worked those kinks out. I reiterated that I understood his reservations considering how hot and cold and emotional I had been in the past. This seemed to sort of let his guard down a bit, and we exchanged pleasant “goodnights” – mind you, this is the most positive interaction I’ve gotten from him in over a month. As part of my ending with the goodnight, I said that the offer stands, and I’d lover him to come. He never shot down the offer officially, and I figured I’d let him sit on it today, and not contact him until Wednesday morning to follow up. I’ll be fine if it doesn’t happen, of course – I’m still going to go. But, I’m a bit worried of how to approach him with following up.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 10, 2017 at 3:15 am

      Hi Alex,

      why not try to do a full nc instead?

  14. Brenda Rose

    January 3, 2017 at 12:16 am

    My boyfriend broke up with me after 4 years because I said that I wanted marriage or for us to live together. I went 8 months with no contact and asked him to a sporting event in a city half way between where we are both living. I will be staying in a hotel. How do I politely decline if he wants to be intimate? I do want to get back with him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 5, 2017 at 1:04 pm

      HI Brenda,

      just say no.. if that is really you’re non-negotiable, say it.

  15. Anna

    December 19, 2016 at 10:24 pm


    So I dated my ex boyfriend for 6 months. We had some really good times and were very in love. We live about an hour and 30 mins away from each other. He broke things off quite suddenly saying that it was to hard during the times we weren’t together and that he thought we were just to different (something I disagree with). I went straight in with NC for 3 weeks and then messaged him. Sometimes he replies and sometimes he doesn’t. Re establishing contact has very much been led by me. But when he has messaged back he has been positive and friendly. I then called him and we. Are meeting next week for tea. On the phone he said he was worried that the meeting might make me upset. this along with the texts makes me feel like I’m on the back foot and that he still doesn’t have any thoughts about getting back together with me dospite my friendly and positive texts. Should I be disheartened? Do you think I have a chance or am I wasting my time? How can I turn things around?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 22, 2016 at 12:38 pm


      You can’t attract somebody with just one date. How much did you improve during that 3 weeks and are you still improving now? If there was no rapport and attraction built during the texting and calling phase, the meet up is less likely to be well.. But, the best you can do right now is to use that meet up as an opportunity to leave a good impression by looking your best and having fun..

  16. Avaa

    December 7, 2016 at 1:33 am

    I will be meeting my ex (we were together 6 months) this weekend exactly 3 months since we last saw each other (we officially broke up a month after) I did no contact for just over 30 days and we have been texting now for around a month just light friendly texts but he hasnt shown me any emotion or feelings but he has been consistently asking to see me so finally I have agreed to go to his city. We live 250 miles apart so I will stay in a hotel that night. I am worried that he might suggest staying there with me and obviously I know that’s not the way to go so how do I tell him no? Also he will be going away for the holidays straight after the weekend and we probably won’t be able to see each other again until Feb as I will be travelling in Jan. Is this going to be too much of gap between a second date? I really want to catch up with him but I am starting to wonder if it’s a good idea. Or is it better to see him and leave him to think about me again for the next month or so?

    1. Avaa

      December 12, 2016 at 11:19 pm

      Well thanks for your advice but can you imagine that he stopped replying to my messages on Wednesday when arranging the meeting and I haven’t heard from him since so needless to say I didn’t go! I don’t know why he would do this after asking me multiple times to come! I don’t even know what to do now 🙁

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 14, 2016 at 10:58 pm

      Focus in improving yourself. Look like it didn’t shook you because you have your own life.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 10, 2016 at 7:37 pm

      Hi Avaa,

      tell him it’s not the right time to be sleeping together literally and figuratively. I think the gap can work for your benefit because you’re going to travel. You’re going to have more time for yourself to improve and think.

  17. Sam

    December 2, 2016 at 11:57 pm

    Hi. My ex fiancé and I broke up and have had no contact for 4 years after an 8 year relationship. My ex discovered I was cheating at the time and I fully accepted the painful consequences. I didn’t think there would ever be contact again but, I received a message recently asking to meet for tea. I’m confused and a bit afraid to meet since I’ve missed my ex profoundly. Not sure what to do. Move on, not meet and forever wonder or, potentially open up old wounds? Both seem kinda tragic. Thoughts?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 3, 2016 at 3:23 pm

      Hi Sam,

      meet up..dont.over analyze..

  18. Louise

    November 23, 2016 at 11:10 am

    My ex boyfriend (of almost three years) broke up with me about 10 weeks ago because “we couldnt make eachother happy anymore”, I think we had been arguing a lot because he started a new job and his priorities had changed and he got bored of that… I did no contact for 30 days, but he didnt try to contact me either. Since then hes been hot and cold, sometimes wanting to start a conversation, and then sometimes abruptly ending one. We eventually met up for a drink two days ago, and it went well.. I was confident and I asked him lots about his life, not giving too much away about my own.. I regret that I probbaly let it go on for too long. There wasnt much left to talk about at the end that would require another date (I regret that). But, on our journey towards home (we live close by) he couldnt take his eyes off me, I was getting such a good vibe from his body language towards me… and at the end when we said goodbye he held on so long in the hug and I genuinely thought he might kiss me after he pulled away, as he just stared deep into my eyes and we smiled cheekily at eachother. Eventually I walked away without a kiss as I didnt know whether it would freak him out. When I got home I messaged him saying it had been nice to see him, but he hasn’t responded, or reached out since.. what do I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 26, 2016 at 10:38 am

      Hi Louise,

      how much did you improve during the no contact period? Are you still continuing the activities you started in it? After the no contact period, how long did you build rapport before asking out?

  19. Charles

    October 26, 2016 at 3:18 pm

    My ex and I have been been broken up since June 2016. We have had contact here and there since then, but in September I told him i wanted to move on without him in my life. At that point he said well what if I said I wanted you. We talked about that but never completed the conversation because something came up. But he said he wanted to meet and talk. Since then he has told me twice he still wants to meet and talk without me bringing anything up, but claims to be so busy. Why would someone suggest meeting multiple times? I never mention it, he does. I even told him it was not necessary, but he says he wants to but never actually sets a time. Why would someone do that???

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 28, 2016 at 2:30 pm

      Hi Charles,

      it’s either it just so happens that he’s busy or he just wants to string you along..

  20. Jennifer

    October 19, 2016 at 8:23 am

    Hi there,

    So my ex and I broke up 14 months ago now. Cue me having hysterics for the first three months then a month of NC.

    I studied a LOT and became the ungettable girl and we re-established contact.

    We’ve spent this year rebuilding connection (he always said we needed to start from scratch and said that if I gave him enough space he could give me everything I wanted – he’s got a lot of issues).

    We spent the first few months of the year having “catch ups” going to dinners and movies. In the last few months he’s actually coming to find me at work (we’re in the same building) to ask me on dates (his words) the last one he even used the phrase “hot date”.

    The last few dates the physical closeness has increased. He sits right next to me in movies (don’t worry, we have dinner first so lots of time to talk) whereas earlier in the year he would sit on the other side of the chair away from me and he walks super close to me like he can’t get close enough. Second to last date we were kissing quickly goodnight and managed to do a split second mouth kiss.

    We had another date last Saturday night and he even announced before we’d had dinner that he thinks someone at work knows “him and I” are a thing and we’ve got something going on so he was basically confirming we are involved.

    After the movie he put his arm around me and then held my hand (fingers intertwined) on the way to the car but when we got to my house I tried to kiss him and he basically wouldn’t. I’d had quite a bit to drink and I don’t know if that was the reason or he didn’t want to get involved to the point where he might want to come inside (I’m pretty sure he’s not ready for that yet) but the rest of the signs are all there yet I’m baffled as to why he didn’t want to kiss me.

    This week I’ve seen him once at work and he looked insanely happy to see me. I left some vouchers on his desk that I was keeping in my clutch on the weekend and forgot to give to him and it took him two days to say thanks as if he suddenly had an excuse to message me. Then I messaged back saying “no problem, let me know when you’re ready for another movie ; )” he’d been sounding me out on the weekend about a new release coming out but I didn’t even get a reply to my text.

    Totally confused.


    1. Jennifer

      October 19, 2016 at 8:34 am

      Ps after the non kiss, I remained happy and composed and waved goodbye cheerily. One of the reasons I’m sure he broke up with me is because I’d sulk if I didn’t get my way and now I’m the complete opposite.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 21, 2016 at 12:02 am

      Hi Jennifer,

      That’s good! But I think you need to be less available.. looks like he’s getting comfortable with your routine now and if it prolongs, you’re going to be friendzoned…

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