I want a d*mn apology
He screams at you.
You’ll never get it…
You scream back at him.
What we have here is a classic “difference of opinion” where each party believes something so strongly they refuse to back off of their position.
It never ceases to amaze me how much breakups can divide people.
They make us scream…
And ultimately regret.
In fact, some people regret the break up so much that they actively want to apologize for playing a role in it.
I can’t tell you how often I have seen people send this type of a text message to their ex after a breakup,
And that’s why you are here.
You are sitting there wondering if you should apologize to your ex after the breakup.
And if you are supposed to, how is that apology supposed to look?
Well, that’s what we are going to explore today.
But first, let’s talk about your overall goals.
What Are Your Overall Goals?
Determining if you should apologize to your ex is as simple as determining your overall goals.
You see, the way I see it is that right now at this very moment you are at a “crossroads,”
On one side of this road you can take steps to try to get your ex back back.
On the other side you can take the necessary steps to move on from your ex.
So, I guess the question I want to ask you now is what do you want?
In your heart of hearts what is your overall goal with your ex.
Now, I know it may seem a bit strange that I am asking you this but I promise that it connects to apologizing.
You see, based on what “path” you decide to take you are going to have different “marching orders” which it comes to apologizing and I am going to cover those “orders” in depth throughout this article.
Actually, I lied.
I am going to cover only one of the paths in-depth on this article.
Well, it’s because the “marching orders” for moving on from an ex are simple.
If you want to move on from an ex then you can go ahead and apologize. Clear your conscious and simply move on.
Of course, that means that the more complex “apologizing rules” are going to happen under the framework of getting an ex back.
Should You Apologize To Your Ex If You Are Trying To Get Him Back?
There are really two answers to this question.
Yes and No…
If you are trying to get your ex boyfriend back then I don’t think you should apologize (except in one case which I will talk about later) until after you get him back.
Now, you are probably sitting there thinking,
Well, I promise it will.
But in order for all of the dots to connect I need to tell you a story.
Yesterday I was waiting for an important work call. Now, I am not going to lie to you, this was something that I was on the edge of my seat with. I was really looking forward to it. It was literally one of those things where I was checking my phone every five minutes to see if this person would call.
And then after I would check my phone I would freak out for a moment because in my warped thinking I would think,
“Oh my god… what if this call came right at that moment that I checked my phone and I missed it because I checked.”
My point is that I was really looking forward to this phone call.
Unfortunately, the phone call never came.
Now, upon realizing that this phone call with this gentlemen was not coming I became pretty…. pis*ed.
It was kind of like,
Ok, maybe not that bad but you get the picture.
Eventually I emailed this person that I was supposed to have a call with to “nicely” ask what happened.
The person quickly emailed me back saying that they had completely forgotten that we were supposed to talk and rescheduled with me.
I feel like that was supposed to make me feel better but it just made me feel angrier.
How dare he forget.
Does he think my time is not valuable?
And here is the craziest part.
I stayed angry at this particular person for days.
Literally for days I would think about giving them a piece of my mind.
I thought about firing them (since this was work related.)
And then ultimately the day came when we were supposed to talk and within five minutes of the conversation the person apologized to me and all was right in the world,
I had been angry at this person for days and within minutes of apologizing on the phone everything was fine.
But I noticed something else.
Those days that I was angry at the person for standing me up made me want to talk to them even more.
I was obsessing so much about them that they were constantly present in my mind and when I actually got an apology in person (over the phone) everything was right.
Do you see where I am going with this?
This is the same type of phenomenon that I want you to employ on your ex boyfriend when it comes to apologizing.
By not apologizing to your ex it will actually make him think about you more and then when things start looking up and you have him in a good mood down the road that’s when you apologize.
Think of it like judo!
The Judo Analogy
Judo is a form of martial arts where you essentially use your opponents own body weight against them.
With it a much smaller person can flip a big person over.
Here’s a quick gif I found on the internet to illustrate what I am talking about,
Pretty awesome, right?
Well, what if I told you that by not apologizing to your ex you are essentially setting him up for some “mental judo.”
Mental Judo: flipping your exes anger around so that you can use it to your advantage.
Think of that story that I just told you about how I was super angry with the person that works for me above.
In the end what did all of my anger really accomplish?
Honestly, it just made me think of them even more and then before I even had a chance to yell at them they redirected my anger by apologizing.
And how did I act when that happened?
I was completely fine!
This is how you should apologize to your ex.
Use his anger to your advantage and then before he has a chance to berate you, you strike with a simple apology.
You see, one of the biggest mistakes that I see women constantly making is that they are afraid to make their exes upset.
They’ll come to me and say,
“But Chris… won’t doing that make him angry?”
Sure, but you know what it will also do?
Make your ex think about you constantly.
And having him think about you is really half the battle.
They say that there is a fine line between hate and love and I am having you walk that line with this strategy.
Is there risk involved with doing what I am suggesting?
Technically yes but it’s not that much.
I mean, how much worse can things get?
You are already broken up with him so it’s not like he can break up with you further…
Too often I see women frozen in fear. In order to get your ex back you have to take calculated risks.
Fortune favors the brave so be brave!
Of course, before I move on to talking about when you should apologize to your ex we need to talk about a quick fly in the ointment.
The One Case Where This Judo Analogy Isn’t A Good Idea
There is one particular situation where I will actually recommend to NOT do the judo thing.
What’s that situation?
If YOU cheated on your ex boyfriend then DO NOT do the emotional judo tactic above.
In this case your recommended play is to apologize immediately to your ex and go into the no contact rule.
Well, if you cheated on your ex boyfriend the last thing you want to project to him is the fact that you have no regret for what you did. Instead, that will just fuel his belief that he shouldn’t ever get back together with you.
But what if you didn’t cheat on your ex boyfriend?
When is the best time to apologize to your ex?
Here Is When You Should Apologize To Your Ex Boyfriend
Ok, let’s create a timeline for you to follow.
You’ll notice that on this little time line I have circled two things.
Those two things are everything that this article is talking about.
Now, if you are sitting there wondering,
Ok… but where can I find everything?
Well, that’s what this website is for. I have literally written hundreds of articles on each of the points on the timeline above. Hell, I even wrote an entire book.
For now, let’s just tackle the apology portion.
So, immediately after the breakup if you didn’t cheat on your ex then I don’t want you apologizing for anything. Remember, this is the mental judo set up.
You aren’t going to apologize at all until after the no contact rule.
Your Apology Is Going To Come During The Texting Phase
Preferably you are going to apologize to your ex boyfriend after you have built some type of rapport with him.
Well, don’t you think it would be weird if you went into a full no contact period where you ignored him and then you come out of the woodwork a few days later to apologize to him.
It’s probably not going to play well.
You want your apology to seem as natural as possible and the best way to do that is to get back on good speaking terms via text with your ex so that an apology will be well received.
Now, you are probably wondering how you build up this “rapport” that I keep talking about. Well, that’s a big enough topic to have it’s very own article. In fact, I made an article about it!
So, I am going to recommend that you read that if you want the “how to” on how to get back on speaking terms with your ex.
Now let’s move on to a much more interesting topic.
How are you supposed to apologize to your ex boyfriend?
What’s it supposed to look like?
What Your Apology To Your Ex Should Look Like
I want to preface this with saying that in order for any of what I am about to say to apply to you, you had to have done something very wrong to your ex. This isn’t meant for you to apologize for small things.
No, I am talking more about if the two of you got into a monstrous fight where,
I hate yous…
Go to H*lls…
I am talking about the kind of relationship where you were constantly flirting with other guys in front of your ex.
The kind of relationship where you know that you were wrong about something but were too stubborn to admit it.
These kind of things warrant an apology.
But how should that apology look?
Ah, now that is the real question.
Ultimately an apology needs to be one thing.
But it also needs to be another thing.
Short and to the point.
A huge mistake I see women making time and time again is sending their ex an apology that looks like this,
So, there are a few problems with this text message.
Namely, these parts,
Now, why do you think I have an issue with those parts of the apology?
Well, lets take things one by one starting with,
You know, that time that I flirted with that guy in front of you
When it comes to “ex recovery” I have a saying,
“If you have nothing to gain then don’t do it”
So, let me ask you.
What do you have to gain by reminding your ex of exactly what you did to wrong him?
Trust me, he doesn’t need a reminder.
All this tends to accomplish is making that “bad thing” you did to him that much more real.
Instead, you should use a phrase like this,
This basically accomplishes the same thing without getting into all the nitty gritty details.
The other part I took issue with was,
I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. If not, I understand…
This is a gigantic mistake because you are essentially priming him to NOT forgive you by giving him an out.
It’s the equivalent of saying,
“Hey, you know it’s completely ok if you don’t forgive me, right?”
Don’t give your ex any chance to think that not forgiving you is an option.
So, don’t even make reference to it at all. Instead, you want to remove the entire phrase,
“I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. If not, I understand…”
That’s how you should apologize to your ex.
It has to be short and to the point.