Should You Ever Apologize To Your Ex Boyfriend?

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

I want a d*mn apology

He screams at you.

You’ll never get it…

You scream back at him.

What we have here is a classic “difference of opinion” where each party believes something so strongly they refuse to back off of their position.

It never ceases to amaze me how much breakups can divide people.

They make us scream…


Feel despair…

And ultimately regret.

In fact, some people regret the break up so much that they actively want to apologize for playing a role in it.

I can’t tell you how often I have seen people send this type of a text message to their ex after a breakup,

And that’s why you are here.

You are sitting there wondering if you should apologize to your ex after the breakup.

And if you are supposed to, how is that apology supposed to look?

Well, that’s what we are going to explore today.

But first, let’s talk about your overall goals.

What Are Your Overall Goals?

Determining if you should apologize to your ex is as simple as determining your overall goals.

You see, the way I see it is that right now at this very moment you are at a “crossroads,”

On one side of this road you can take steps to try to get your ex back back.

On the other side you can take the necessary steps to move on from your ex.

So, I guess the question I want to ask you now is what do you want?

In your heart of hearts what is your overall goal with your ex.

Now, I know it may seem a bit strange that I am asking you this but I promise that it connects to apologizing.

You see, based on what “path” you decide to take you are going to have different “marching orders” which it comes to apologizing and I am going to cover those “orders” in depth throughout this article.


Actually, I lied.

I am going to cover only one of the paths in-depth on this article.


Well, it’s because the “marching orders” for moving on from an ex are simple.

If you want to move on from an ex then you can go ahead and apologize. Clear your conscious and simply move on.

See, simple!

Of course, that means that the more complex “apologizing rules” are going to happen under the framework of getting an ex back.

Should You Apologize To Your Ex If You Are Trying To Get Him Back?

There are really two answers to this question.

Yes and No…


Don’t be.

If you are trying to get your ex boyfriend back then I don’t think you should apologize (except in one case which I will talk about later) until after you get him back.

Now, you are probably sitting there thinking,

Well, I promise it will.

But in order for all of the dots to connect I need to tell you a story.

Yesterday I was waiting for an important work call. Now, I am not going to lie to you, this was something that I was on the edge of my seat with. I was really looking forward to it. It was literally one of those things where I was checking my phone every five minutes to see if this person would call.

Ha ha…

And then after I would check my phone I would freak out for a moment because in my warped thinking I would think,

“Oh my god… what if this call came right at that moment that I checked my phone and I missed it because I checked.”

My point is that I was really looking forward to this phone call.

Unfortunately, the phone call never came.

Now, upon realizing that this phone call with this gentlemen was not coming I became pretty…. pis*ed.

It was kind of like,

Ok, maybe not that bad but you get the picture.

Eventually I emailed this person that I was supposed to have a call with to “nicely” ask what happened.

The person quickly emailed me back saying that they had completely forgotten that we were supposed to talk and rescheduled with me.






I feel like that was supposed to make me feel better but it just made me feel angrier.

How dare he forget.


Does he think my time is not valuable?

And here is the craziest part.

I stayed angry at this particular person for days.

Literally for days I would think about giving them a piece of my mind.

I thought about firing them (since this was work related.)

And then ultimately the day came when we were supposed to talk and within five minutes of the conversation the person apologized to me and all was right in the world,

I had been angry at this person for days and within minutes of apologizing on the phone everything was fine.

But I noticed something else.

Those days that I was angry at the person for standing me up made me want to talk to them even more.

Weird, right?

I was obsessing so much about them that they were constantly present in my mind and when I actually got an apology in person (over the phone) everything was right.

Do you see where I am going with this?

This is the same type of phenomenon that I want you to employ on your ex boyfriend when it comes to apologizing.

By not apologizing to your ex it will actually make him think about you more and then when things start looking up and you have him in a good mood down the road that’s when you apologize.

Think of it like judo!

The Judo Analogy

Judo is a form of martial arts where you essentially use your opponents own body weight against them.

With it a much smaller person can flip a big person over.

Here’s a quick gif I found on the internet to illustrate what I am talking about,

Pretty awesome, right?

Well, what if I told you that by not apologizing to your ex you are essentially setting him up for some “mental judo.”

Mental Judo: flipping your exes anger around so that you can use it to your advantage.

Think of that story that I just told you about how I was super angry with the person that works for me above.

In the end what did all of my anger really accomplish?

Honestly, it just made me think of them even more and then before I even had a chance to yell at them they redirected my anger by apologizing.

And how did I act when that happened?

I was completely fine!

This is how you should apologize to your ex.

Use his anger to your advantage and then before he has a chance to berate you, you strike with a simple apology.

You see, one of the biggest mistakes that I see women constantly making is that they are afraid to make their exes upset.

They’ll come to me and say,

“But Chris… won’t doing that make him angry?”

Sure, but you know what it will also do?

Make your ex think about you constantly.

And having him think about you is really half the battle.

They say that there is a fine line between hate and love and I am having you walk that line with this strategy.

Is there risk involved with doing what I am suggesting?

Technically yes but it’s not that much.

I mean, how much worse can things get?

You are already broken up with him so it’s not like he can break up with you further…

Too often I see women frozen in fear. In order to get your ex back you have to take calculated risks.

Fortune favors the brave so be brave!

Of course, before I move on to talking about when you should apologize to your ex we need to talk about a quick fly in the ointment.

The One Case Where This Judo Analogy Isn’t A Good Idea

There is one particular situation where I will actually recommend to NOT do the judo thing.

What’s that situation?

If YOU cheated on your ex boyfriend then DO NOT do the emotional judo tactic above.

In this case your recommended play is to apologize immediately to your ex and go into the no contact rule.


Well, if you cheated on your ex boyfriend the last thing you want to project to him is the fact that you have no regret for what you did. Instead, that will just fuel his belief that he shouldn’t ever get back together with you.

But what if you didn’t cheat on your ex boyfriend?

When is the best time to apologize to your ex?

Here Is When You Should Apologize To Your Ex Boyfriend

Ok, let’s create a timeline for you to follow.

You’ll notice that on this little time line I have circled two things.

Those two things are everything that this article is talking about.

Now, if you are sitting there wondering,

Ok… but where can I find everything?

Well, that’s what this website is for. I have literally written hundreds of articles on each of the points on the timeline above. Hell, I even wrote an entire book.

For now, let’s just tackle the apology portion.

So, immediately after the breakup if you didn’t cheat on your ex then I don’t want you apologizing for anything. Remember, this is the mental judo set up.

You aren’t going to apologize at all until after the no contact rule.

Your Apology Is Going To Come During The Texting Phase

Preferably you are going to apologize to your ex boyfriend after you have built some type of rapport with him.


Well, don’t you think it would be weird if you went into a full no contact period where you ignored him and then you come out of the woodwork a few days later to apologize to him.

It’s probably not going to play well.

You want your apology to seem as natural as possible and the best way to do that is to get back on good speaking terms via text with your ex so that an apology will be well received.

Get it?

Got it?


Now, you are probably wondering how you build up this “rapport” that I keep talking about. Well, that’s a big enough topic to have it’s very own article. In fact, I made an article about it!

So, I am going to recommend that you read that if you want the “how to” on how to get back on speaking terms with your ex.

Now let’s move on to a much more interesting topic.

How are you supposed to apologize to your ex boyfriend?

What’s it supposed to look like?

Great question!

What Your Apology To Your Ex Should Look Like

I want to preface this with saying that in order for any of what I am about to say to apply to you, you had to have done something very wrong to your ex. This isn’t meant for you to apologize for small things.

No, I am talking more about if the two of you got into a monstrous fight where,

I hate yous…


F*ck Offs…


Go to H*lls…

Were exchanged.

I am talking about the kind of relationship where you were constantly flirting with other guys in front of your ex.

The kind of relationship where you know that you were wrong about something but were too stubborn to admit it.

These kind of things warrant an apology.

But how should that apology look?

Ah, now that is the real question.

Ultimately an apology needs to be one thing.


But it also needs to be another thing.

Short and to the point.

A huge mistake I see women making time and time again is sending their ex an apology that looks like this,

So, there are a few problems with this text message.

Namely, these parts,

Now, why do you think I have an issue with those parts of the apology?

Well, lets take things one by one starting with,

You know, that time that I flirted with that guy in front of you

When it comes to “ex recovery” I have a saying,

“If you have nothing to gain then don’t do it”

So, let me ask you.

What do you have to gain by reminding your ex of exactly what you did to wrong him?

Trust me, he doesn’t need a reminder.

All this tends to accomplish is making that “bad thing” you did to him that much more real.

Instead, you should use a phrase like this,

This basically accomplishes the same thing without getting into all the nitty gritty details.

The other part I took issue with was,

I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. If not, I understand…

So… DUMB….

This is a gigantic mistake because you are essentially priming him to NOT forgive you by giving him an out.

It’s the equivalent of saying,

“Hey, you know it’s completely ok if you don’t forgive me, right?”

Don’t give your ex any chance to think that not forgiving you is an option.

So, don’t even make reference to it at all. Instead, you want to remove the entire phrase,

“I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. If not, I understand…”

That’s how you should apologize to your ex.

It has to be short and to the point.

February 17, 2017

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

Take 4 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Your Chances!

What Do You Think? (26)

  1. Elizabeth - 0


    So it’s been 6 months since my boyfriend of almost 7 years broke up with me. Unfortunately I gave him a long apology about the mistakes I made in our relationship back in early December (way before I read it was a bad idea to). He didn’t apologize for anything. Things didnt go so well last time we talked right before new years eve. He told me that he was happy with his new girlfriend and to leave him alone and blocked my number. Complete silence from him. I didnt try to talk to him and check if I was still blocked. I’m not even sure when he unblocked my number. Then i get a few messages from him on a saturday (March 4) at 7pm. It took me completely by surprise since I had convinced myself that he didn’t think of me at all anymore and he really was happier without me. Then I wondered why he would be texting me on a saturday night at 7pm. Wasn’t he with his girlfriend or something? He would always tell me that he couldn’t talk to me because he was with her months ago when I tried. So he texts me that he wants to apologize to me and that he wants to talk to me by phone and it was understandable if I didnt want to. I didnt see his text until way later and wasn’t home anyway. I dont reply until 11:30pm saying sure we can talk. Nothing. Must have fallen asleep already. Sunday night at 8:40pm I text him asking if he would still like to talk. He calls me an hour later. I miss his call since I wasn’t near my phone and don’t see his call until an hour later. I call him back at 10:40pm. It rings once and goes to voice-mail. I assume he fell asleep since he wakes up early for work on Mondays. Monday night I text him apologizing that I missed his call and I didnt see it until an hour later but I will answer the phone and listen to him if he would still like to talk. Nothing again. And still nothing. He hasn’t tried talking to me again. Last wednesday night, I tell our friend about it and he says that no my ex wasn’t asleep on sunday night because he (my ex) had called him about 20 minutes after I had called him back.

    This whole time since we’ve been apart, he still had every picture of us still up on his Facebook but now I see that very recently he’s deleted every picture of us. He also updated his profile picture to a picture of him kissing his girlfriend. His girlfriend also commented on one of his selfies telling him that she loves him. He replied that he loves her too.

    Honestly I’m so confused and heartbroken all over again. I dont understand why he did this. He says he wants to apologize to me and understands if i dont want to talk to him yet he ignores me when I try to get back to him and doesn’t try to talk to me again? Now he does this and forces himself back to the front of my mind. All those memories and hopes and dreams of what couldve been came rushing back. Now i really want to know what he wanted to apologize for and what else he could possibly want/say. Maybe it was just a moment of weakness and he doesn’t want to apologize anymore. Or was it because I took hours to respond to him? Or because I missed his call the one time he tried calling me? Is he ignoring me again? Did he forget about me again? I dont understand why he would want to apologize to me out of nowhere if he seems happy with his new girlfriend and then just ignore me again without telling me anything. Should I wait to see if he tries to apologize again? Or just try to forget about this and him

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Elizabeth,

      he’s probably just confused..when is your nc period ending?

    • Elizabeth - 0


      I want to do a month NC and then send him a happy birthday text a few days after his birthday like Chris suggests. (His birthday is April 20)

      I’m not sure if this is a good idea though.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      yup that’s ok!

  2. Giselle - 0


    Aaaah okay! He happens to be stateside across the country actually so he does have a phone. He sees my stories and has me still on social media… do I restart no contact again or do I just improve texting?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      when is he leaving for military?

    • Gabrielle - 0


      He’s already back. He came for the holidays and towards the time he was about to go back he broke it off. We talked a bit after it was over her and there: Then I went into straight 21 days no contact. And that’s when after I finished the 21 days i sent the apology text and that’s where I am in my situation as of now.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      So, he’s not going back in military ever again or it would be a very long time? And he was only there for a short time.. but right now you’re still long distance so, I think you need to try to improve your texting first. It’s ok to initiate as long as you the one ending the conversation at high point. Check this:
      Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)

    • Gabrielle - 0


      He was undecided if he was going to stay after his contact ended or not. He still has 6 months left then he’s out. He said he didn’t know if he was coming back so he told me he’s rather tell me now then later 6 months later he wasn’t coming home. I also feel he’s got a bit of the grass is greener syndrome as well :/ but yes I will do the texting tactics!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      ah ok… he doesn’t want you to expect.. That’s good that you’re doing the texting tactics.

  3. Gabrielle - 0


    Thank you so much Amor! and yeah I also believe so since he was like “It doesn’t have to be awkward between us” yet it kind of is because we don’t talk and if we do it’s usually me and he’s just short with his responses. What is the best recommendation going forward?

  4. Gabrielle - 0


    He prob thinks I am over him due to the fact I told him when I was upset “things are over with you” after the breakup… and possibly we still have each other on social media. Social media is what got him to talk to me the first time actually well sparked interest and then when we messaged hit it off from there. He told me a month ago that “I can’t help but think you want nothing to do with me” and “I miss talking to you etc” yet his actions do not match his words. If I text him he does answer but it’s short. So that’s why I’m very confused on what to do. I feel like he’s actively avoiding me yet he still has me on social media

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      he misses you but that doesn’t mean it’s enough to want you back. He probably misses the talks because that’s what he’s used to do. And also, probably because the reason of the break up still exists.

  5. Anna - 0


    Hi Amor,
    I appreciate you receive an abundance of emails daily but I have now been going through this process for quite some time and to be honest I’m now feeling quite hopeless.
    Please bear with me whilst I provide you with the background below:
    This began in October 2016. I purchased the e-book from this site in November 2016.
    Dated for over a year, in hindsight, for me he was probably – to begin with – a rebound relationship as I had broken up with my ex of 6 years prior. However I soon fell madly inlove with him and felt we had an amazing relationship. I am 26, he is 29. Very attractive looking couple, I would fall into ‘UG’ category, have a lot going for me and he was in awe of that throughout our relationship until the end.
    He pursued and chased me to no end at the beginning of the relationship, if I’m honest I got a little cocky with that and took advantage of it a little (I wanted constant reassurance, I think as I was still healing from previous split and end of my previous relationship) so throughout the ups and downs, arguments began to take their toll and he ended it with me as he felt he did everything he could for me and I constantly threw it back in his face (bit OTT, as majority of our relationship was amazing).
    The end became very sour and quite toxic like; my friends and family warning me to not contact/chase after him as he became so cold, detached, not the person I once knew. I even wondered was he a narcissist as he displayed many of the so-called traits but yet I struggled with NC because I felt I had a part to play in the demise of our relationship/him feeling this way. Again, friends and family would remind me – don’t make excuses for him to treat you like this/as if you are a stranger he never knew, that isn’t love etc etc. Yet I still, so madly inlove, couldn’t let it go. I admit I became a ‘GNAT’ – probably the worst type!! I was full on, intense, desperate almost – a complete and utter shadow of my usual self, behaving in ways I had never done before, all to try ‘get him back’ – I made all the classic mistakes. I sent a final ‘farewell’ if you like email just before New Years. On NYD he contacted me to wish me happy new year and hoped everything worked out for me. I responded thank you, you too. The next day – he turned up at my house (lives over 1 hr drive away) with a Christmas present (he had told me he had returned) and told me he missed me. I felt ecstatic, I thought things could turn around. I saw him 2 days after that, we had a nice time, but by the time the weekend came and I asked to see him again he shut me out, it resulted in an argument and he told me this was never going to work and we need to draw a line here and leave it at that. I was DEVASTATED, crushed and torn all over again! I couldn’t believe it. I went into NC straight after that and actively improved – even went on some casual dates, went on a ski trip with friends, positive active posting on social media etc etc. I wasn’t sure if and when I would break NC, I wanted to do at least 45 and reassess my feelings.
    On day 30 – he called me & left me a voicemail to please call him back. I answered because, a) I couldn’t believe my eyes and b) I felt minimum enough time had passed and maybe we could talk. He asked would I meet him at some point that week to talk, he told me he missed me. It was very much me in control at that point, he sounded remorseful/regretful and genuinely sincere that he wanted to speak to me.
    We met and when we did he didn’t actively ‘talk’ like he implied he wanted…he sort of acted like nothing had changed. I know it’s better to ‘go with the flow’ and be casual and cool, but I had hit the lowest point of my life and now he was back and I felt I had to talk some of that out with him. He did open up a little, said he needed the total time and space to begin thinking about us in a positive way instead of the negative way he focused on at time of breakup (word for word what Chris’ articles prescribe!) and the time apart allowed him to miss me, us, the positives and for the first time since split think maybe we could have a future together again.
    I ended up coming on quite strong, probing more and more q’s and asking him was he just going to leave again…I needed to know he was serious about us trying to work things out etc etc. Looking back, I absolutely instantly became so needy again!
    I saw him again a couple of days after that, what started off as a nice walk in the park I brought the same conversation up again when he dropped me off. Saying I needed more reassurance from him and more noticeable effort…well since then…he’s ran a mile. He told me there and then, why can’t you just chill out and let things be, you’re putting pressure on me/us and making this intense and it doesn’t need to be. I told him I wasn’t going to be some option and someone he fits in when he feels like it…. Looking back, I should have given it more time before accusing him of doing that (it was only the second meeting)
    I then became a GNAT again trying to contact him loads, asking him why he was ignoring me, if he’s changed his mind just say….eventually got him on the phone and he said yes ok maybe I was wrong, this probably isn’t going to go anywhere, I feel too pressured.

    That’s where we are at, I could kick myself! He has ran a mile and doesn’t want to talk to me – I’ve apologised for coming on too strong/intense (no reply back).

    I really do want to give it a go because when we are together we have so much fun, I just should have kept the deeper chats until more rapport was built.
    Your help would benefit me so much, I have no idea what to do. Thnx x

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Anna,

      stop chasing and stop asking.. the more you ask, at this point, it just looks like you’re nagging him.. If you really mean what you say, you would act more like you’re done talking. It will be frustrating because you feel otherwise, but it’s going back to who you were before but a nicer version.. If he wants to be back in your life, he has to prove it but that doesn’t mean you have to nag him.. you just don’t have to give in easily..

  6. Gabrielle - 0


    After completing the no contact rule, I decided to reply to my exes story on his snapchat. He responded neutral then I texted him apologizing for my lack of immaturity and understanding of the breakup And how I decide to let go of my pride and apologize because I really feel bad. His response was that “there is really no need to apologize” and I said “I know but I feel the need to” and he responded “it’s okay no worries” I feel these are neutral responses as indicatated on the website. Could it be resentment of me doing the contact rule? Or he’s hurt ? Should I let go and move on?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      hi Gabriel,

      for me, that’s a positive one.. you’ll need to initiate a conversation the next day to know how he would react
      but if you didn’t improve yourself during nc and were not active in posting in social media, then you have to restart the count.. and also, why did you breakup?

  7. Lisa - 0


    He’s been responding positively to the last couple texts sent after no contact but according to the texting calendar on PRO attraction feeler texts are coming soon. How do I approach these texts when he specifically told me that he would like to start hanging out again but be friends first and see where it goes and take it day by day ? Can I still send the attraction texts?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Lisa,

      yes, you can.. actually he basically describe the process that you’re going to do..start out as friends and then build rapport and attraction as it goes on..

    • Lisa - 0


      Just a question out of curiousity. I know every situation is different but on average based on what you have seen after how many texts will it take for your ex to initiate ? I’m on my third day of texting and although he seems to be responding positively he still is not initiating or asking questions to further the convo.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      most of the time, I notice other commenters get it after 2 or 3 weeks, when they’re about to transition to calls.

    • Gabrielle - 0


      He imitated the breakup due to the military and long distance… he wasn’t sure if he was to return after his contract was over. Me being a woman, clearly made an emotional toll on me and made me react based off emotions. Which I regret. But it’s almost 2 months after the breakup and we were together for 5 so idk if it’s worth saving if I feel he may be over me 🙁

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      take it like that, that he’s over you.. If he is over you, would he think you’re over him and would he be interested to talk to you again if he sees you’re posts?

  8. Mary - 0


    So my ex just texted me out of nowhere for the first time in like two months.. saying “what happened to us?”, to which I answered “A bit out of nowhere. A lilttle bit of everything… people change I guess” and he hasn’t answered back.. so now I’m debating if I should send him a message asking if he’s okay and telling him I have some of his stuff like a diploma from the official french exam that I’ll leave in his reception….

    Background: we dated for three years, amazing relationship, then we broke up but continue to hook up for six months, then I did the no contact rule.. and we never really rekindle things, he got into a rebound relationship with someone who he didn’t use to like that much or have patience for.. but they seem to be going quite strong.. which is why the message took me by surprise.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Mary,

      that means they’re not that strong.. yeah, I think that’s a safe text to send.

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