I want a d*mn apology

He screams at you.

You’ll never get it…

You scream back at him.

What we have here is a classic “difference of opinion” where each party believes something so strongly they refuse to back off of their position.

It never ceases to amaze me how much breakups can divide people.

They make us scream…

Cry…

Feel despair…

And ultimately regret.

In fact, some people regret the break up so much that they actively want to apologize for playing a role in it.

I can’t tell you how often I have seen people send this type of a text message to their ex after a breakup,

And that’s why you are here.

You are sitting there wondering if you should apologize to your ex after the breakup.

And if you are supposed to, how is that apology supposed to look?

Well, that’s what we are going to explore today.

But first, let’s talk about your overall goals.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

What Are Your Overall Goals?

Determining if you should apologize to your ex is as simple as determining your overall goals.

You see, the way I see it is that right now at this very moment you are at a “crossroads,”

On one side of this road you can take steps to try to get your ex back back.

On the other side you can take the necessary steps to move on from your ex.

So, I guess the question I want to ask you now is what do you want?

In your heart of hearts what is your overall goal with your ex.

Now, I know it may seem a bit strange that I am asking you this but I promise that it connects to apologizing.

You see, based on what “path” you decide to take you are going to have different “marching orders” which it comes to apologizing and I am going to cover those “orders” in depth throughout this article.

…..

Actually, I lied.

I am going to cover only one of the paths in-depth on this article.

Why?

Well, it’s because the “marching orders” for moving on from an ex are simple.

If you want to move on from an ex then you can go ahead and apologize. Clear your conscious and simply move on.

See, simple!

Of course, that means that the more complex “apologizing rules” are going to happen under the framework of getting an ex back.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Should You Apologize To Your Ex If You Are Trying To Get Him Back?

There are really two answers to this question.

Yes and No…

Confused?

Don’t be.

If you are trying to get your ex boyfriend back then I don’t think you should apologize (except in one case which I will talk about later) until after you get him back.

Now, you are probably sitting there thinking,

Well, I promise it will.

But in order for all of the dots to connect I need to tell you a story.

Yesterday I was waiting for an important work call. Now, I am not going to lie to you, this was something that I was on the edge of my seat with. I was really looking forward to it. It was literally one of those things where I was checking my phone every five minutes to see if this person would call.

Ha ha…

And then after I would check my phone I would freak out for a moment because in my warped thinking I would think,

“Oh my god… what if this call came right at that moment that I checked my phone and I missed it because I checked.”

My point is that I was really looking forward to this phone call.

Unfortunately, the phone call never came.

Now, upon realizing that this phone call with this gentlemen was not coming I became pretty…. pis*ed.

It was kind of like,

Ok, maybe not that bad but you get the picture.

Eventually I emailed this person that I was supposed to have a call with to “nicely” ask what happened.

The person quickly emailed me back saying that they had completely forgotten that we were supposed to talk and rescheduled with me.

……….

……..

……

….

..

I feel like that was supposed to make me feel better but it just made me feel angrier.

How dare he forget.

 

Does he think my time is not valuable?

And here is the craziest part.

I stayed angry at this particular person for days.

Literally for days I would think about giving them a piece of my mind.

I thought about firing them (since this was work related.)

And then ultimately the day came when we were supposed to talk and within five minutes of the conversation the person apologized to me and all was right in the world,

I had been angry at this person for days and within minutes of apologizing on the phone everything was fine.

But I noticed something else.

Those days that I was angry at the person for standing me up made me want to talk to them even more.

Weird, right?

I was obsessing so much about them that they were constantly present in my mind and when I actually got an apology in person (over the phone) everything was right.

Do you see where I am going with this?

This is the same type of phenomenon that I want you to employ on your ex boyfriend when it comes to apologizing.

By not apologizing to your ex it will actually make him think about you more and then when things start looking up and you have him in a good mood down the road that’s when you apologize.

Think of it like judo!

The Judo Analogy

Judo is a form of martial arts where you essentially use your opponents own body weight against them.

With it a much smaller person can flip a big person over.

Here’s a quick gif I found on the internet to illustrate what I am talking about,

Pretty awesome, right?

Well, what if I told you that by not apologizing to your ex you are essentially setting him up for some “mental judo.”

Mental Judo: flipping your exes anger around so that you can use it to your advantage.

Think of that story that I just told you about how I was super angry with the person that works for me above.

In the end what did all of my anger really accomplish?

Honestly, it just made me think of them even more and then before I even had a chance to yell at them they redirected my anger by apologizing.

And how did I act when that happened?

I was completely fine!

This is how you should apologize to your ex.

Use his anger to your advantage and then before he has a chance to berate you, you strike with a simple apology.

You see, one of the biggest mistakes that I see women constantly making is that they are afraid to make their exes upset.

They’ll come to me and say,

“But Chris… won’t doing that make him angry?”

Sure, but you know what it will also do?

Make your ex think about you constantly.

And having him think about you is really half the battle.

They say that there is a fine line between hate and love and I am having you walk that line with this strategy.

Is there risk involved with doing what I am suggesting?

Technically yes but it’s not that much.

I mean, how much worse can things get?

You are already broken up with him so it’s not like he can break up with you further…

Too often I see women frozen in fear. In order to get your ex back you have to take calculated risks.

Fortune favors the brave so be brave!

Of course, before I move on to talking about when you should apologize to your ex we need to talk about a quick fly in the ointment.

The One Case Where This Judo Analogy Isn’t A Good Idea

There is one particular situation where I will actually recommend to NOT do the judo thing.

What’s that situation?

If YOU cheated on your ex boyfriend then DO NOT do the emotional judo tactic above.

In this case your recommended play is to apologize immediately to your ex and go into the no contact rule.

Why?

Well, if you cheated on your ex boyfriend the last thing you want to project to him is the fact that you have no regret for what you did. Instead, that will just fuel his belief that he shouldn’t ever get back together with you.

But what if you didn’t cheat on your ex boyfriend?

When is the best time to apologize to your ex?

Here Is When You Should Apologize To Your Ex Boyfriend

Ok, let’s create a timeline for you to follow.

You’ll notice that on this little time line I have circled two things.

Those two things are everything that this article is talking about.

Now, if you are sitting there wondering,

Ok… but where can I find everything?

Well, that’s what this website is for. I have literally written hundreds of articles on each of the points on the timeline above. Hell, I even wrote an entire book.

For now, let’s just tackle the apology portion.

So, immediately after the breakup if you didn’t cheat on your ex then I don’t want you apologizing for anything. Remember, this is the mental judo set up.

You aren’t going to apologize at all until after the no contact rule.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Your Apology Is Going To Come During The Texting Phase

Preferably you are going to apologize to your ex boyfriend after you have built some type of rapport with him.

Why?

Well, don’t you think it would be weird if you went into a full no contact period where you ignored him and then you come out of the woodwork a few days later to apologize to him.

It’s probably not going to play well.

You want your apology to seem as natural as possible and the best way to do that is to get back on good speaking terms via text with your ex so that an apology will be well received.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

Now, you are probably wondering how you build up this “rapport” that I keep talking about. Well, that’s a big enough topic to have it’s very own article. In fact, I made an article about it!

So, I am going to recommend that you read that if you want the “how to” on how to get back on speaking terms with your ex.

Now let’s move on to a much more interesting topic.

How are you supposed to apologize to your ex boyfriend?

What’s it supposed to look like?

Great question!

What Your Apology To Your Ex Should Look Like

I want to preface this with saying that in order for any of what I am about to say to apply to you, you had to have done something very wrong to your ex. This isn’t meant for you to apologize for small things.

No, I am talking more about if the two of you got into a monstrous fight where,

I hate yous…

 

F*ck Offs…

 

Go to H*lls…

Were exchanged.

I am talking about the kind of relationship where you were constantly flirting with other guys in front of your ex.

The kind of relationship where you know that you were wrong about something but were too stubborn to admit it.

These kind of things warrant an apology.

But how should that apology look?

Ah, now that is the real question.

Ultimately an apology needs to be one thing.

Genuine…

But it also needs to be another thing.

Short and to the point.

A huge mistake I see women making time and time again is sending their ex an apology that looks like this,

So, there are a few problems with this text message.

Namely, these parts,

Now, why do you think I have an issue with those parts of the apology?

Well, lets take things one by one starting with,

You know, that time that I flirted with that guy in front of you

When it comes to “ex recovery” I have a saying,

“If you have nothing to gain then don’t do it”

So, let me ask you.

What do you have to gain by reminding your ex of exactly what you did to wrong him?

Trust me, he doesn’t need a reminder.

All this tends to accomplish is making that “bad thing” you did to him that much more real.

Instead, you should use a phrase like this,

This basically accomplishes the same thing without getting into all the nitty gritty details.

The other part I took issue with was,

I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. If not, I understand…

So… DUMB….

This is a gigantic mistake because you are essentially priming him to NOT forgive you by giving him an out.

It’s the equivalent of saying,

“Hey, you know it’s completely ok if you don’t forgive me, right?”

Don’t give your ex any chance to think that not forgiving you is an option.

So, don’t even make reference to it at all. Instead, you want to remove the entire phrase,

“I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. If not, I understand…”

That’s how you should apologize to your ex.

It has to be short and to the point.

What to Read Next

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104 thoughts on “Should You Ever Apologize To Your Ex Boyfriend?”

  1. Avatar

    Beauty

    October 18, 2020 at 5:43 am

    Hi
    I have been in this on and off relationship from August 2019, we have been breaking up and getting back again and again. This guy started by ghosting me in October last year and he started texting me in December 24, from there we continued. Again in February he would reject my calls and never respond to my texts, I got angry and wrote him long messages telling him that I dont like it when he is taking me for granted, he then blocked me.I went on a no contact, I missed him and I contacted him.

    We got back together and then again in July he disappeared for the whole 2 weeks, I tried to reach out but I couldn’t get hold of him. He then came back and never explain where he was, okey we continued. August he promised to come to my house for a visit, but he never did. I told him I hate empty promises, then avoided me, said I should understand the type of person he is.

    We got back together again, but I always felt that this guy is not serious abt us. Again in September 28 he blocked me becoz I had told him that I’m tired of being devalued by him.
    He never replied, I wanted to know whether it’s really over between us, so I went to his house, I knocked and he didnt wanna open, then after a long time he opened the door and shouted at me, insulted me.

    I didn’t respond to a insult, then after Five days, I sent him a text via my friend’s phone to apologize for coming to his house without an invite. He never responded. What should I do?
    I love the guy,

  2. Avatar

    Amanda

    September 3, 2020 at 5:51 pm

    Hi Chris, I have been with my man for ten years, we don’t really argue just have disagreements , this time , we were in a conversation with a friend and I went to say something about the conversation and he shouted at me , so I shouted back , I said that’s it IV had enough I’m not doing this anymore , so I got up walked out , I had to go back as I left my phone so I knocked on the door and he said” yeah what do you want ” anyway a few days later and I returned my commitment ring , and he brought all my stuff from his house as I asked for it back probably through temper , three weeks have gone by isent him a message to say , hi is there any chance we could meet up maybe weds or Thurs , he has read my text but no and what should I do , I’m tempted to go meet him over the lark with his dog for a chat but not sure if that’s the right thing to do .

  3. Avatar

    Maddie

    May 6, 2020 at 10:00 pm

    Hi Chris. So i broke up with my boyfriend about 3 weeks ago because he was taking me for granted and the time when i needed the most support, he was not there for me. I need reassurance and he said it was stupid. when i showed him love, he said he just wanted more space and said i was clingy when i barely talked to him during the day. Whenever i would bring up an issue in the relationship, he always somehow turned the blame on me and he laughed when i broke up with him. Weeks have gone by without contact and he is now watching my stories and liking my posts. He was not like this in the beginning of our relationship and acted toxic when quarantine started and we weren’t able to see each other. I miss the bond and connection we had before he started acting differently. I’m confused with the signs he is trying to give to me. Should i wait til he reaches out to me or should i come forward after 30 days?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 12, 2020 at 3:35 pm

      Hi Maddie, you are supposed to reach out with a text that Chris suggests at the end of your No Contact

  4. Avatar

    Maddie

    May 6, 2020 at 9:57 pm

    Hi Chris. So i broke up with my boyfriend about 3 weeks ago because he was taking me for granted and the time when i needed the most support, he was not there for me. I need reassurance and he said it was stupid. when i showed him love, he said he just wanted more space and said i was clingy when i barely talked to him during the day. Whenever i would bring up an issue in the relationship, he always somehow turned the blame on me and he laughed when i broke up with him. Weeks have gone by without contact and he is now watching my stories and liking my posts. He was not like this in the beginning of our relationship and acted toxic when quarantine started and we weren’t able to see each other. I miss the bond and connection we had before he started acting differently. Should i wait til he reaches out to me or should i come forward after 30 days?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 12, 2020 at 1:49 pm

      Hey Maddie, if you are to follow this program then you would be reaching out with a text that Chris suggests after your NC is over. Which you can read about on this website to help you create your first reach out texts

  5. Avatar

    Peacock

    April 16, 2020 at 10:33 pm

    Hi chris,

    I started dating my bf august 2019 and we became intimate too fast too soon. The adrenaline was running but we had started fighting just a month down. He had a bad ex who tried to kill him so he was extremely sensitive and would have his walls built up high. Anyhow the time progressed and so did our fights. We would break up but without apologizing he would find a way to come back and i would just be ok with it accepting him back. I finally broke things off with him due to anger issues in feb 2020 and for 10 days we were not in contact, i called he wasnt apologetic at all and we finally ended up seeing each other after 10 days but the outcome was really poor…we got into almost a physical fight and he left me… physical fight happens because he always just wants what he wants without any consideration from me. For 3 weeks i ran after this man to apologize and his behaviour was punishing…he had me blocked…would only communicate via email with me and then was about to leave. I begged him to see me the day before he leaves he wouldnt agree so i kept begging. He finally decided to see me for an hour…i took him to the place where we first…he sat in his cad as he didnt wanna come into mine and i sat crying in mind…i was crying hysterically and this man dis not flinch…he rather said he felt this relationship was unnecessary ‘weight’ in his shoulder and that he did not live me so we parted ways and i deleted everything reminding me of him. He did have to take care of a personal matter for me which i forwarded him the details to…he said he would. Next day he emailed me and informed me that he was leaving and spoke with me through out his plane route and even doe the week he was at his destination. He got back mid march and i thought we were making progress because lately he had been in a good mood. A couple of days later …he sent me a social account where i noticed he was only following girls…i simply asked why that is…this guy lost it and went on a rant that he will do what he wants and my behaviour is accusatory…except it wasnt and i was just asking. The next day was our anniversary, he continued to punish me and said he didnt want to talk to me all day and wanted to be left alone…which is what i did…later in the evening he called me because he had decided to go out to grab dinner but i was taking a nap …ling story short he went and ate by himself on our anniversary and then picked up dessert and called me but i was still sleeping because i was a bit hurt…i called him when i woke up and informed him that i was hurt how he had handled today…he said he tried calling but i didnt pick up so hes just gonna go shower. That got me upset even more and i hung up telling him i i couldn’t take this anymore….be said whatever. 4 days later he texted me to let me know he will take care of my personal matter for me…i didnt respond. A few days later i found him on dating sites and i was super hurt but dis not contact him..couple of days later he emails me saying he needed a response if i will go with him to take care of the matter…i asked for the process and in explaining it to me he got annoyed and told me ‘he had no time to play tag and i needed to give him a simple answer’ ..i then replied stating he can go by himself and that we should keep our communication amicable moving forward. He then couple of days later email/texted/called asking he had bought me sweets and whether he should leave it at my door…i stayed strong and did not respond. 10 days later i was deleted as a contact but i had him blocked on my whatsapp anyways. I have been hurt that this man never takes accountability nor ever apologizes dor his behaviour. In this instance, do you think i am the one who should be reaching out to him?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 24, 2020 at 7:22 pm

      Hey there Peacock, I would say that you need to unblock your ex if you want to get them back, but first you must complete a 45 day NC before reaching out – we say to reach out if you want to get back together so that you have that window of communication to start rebuilding a connection.

  6. Avatar

    Chris

    March 29, 2020 at 1:51 am

    I’d been seeing my ex for 4 months. Everything was good as usual. I was going on a family vacation and wasn’t going to see her for 2 weeks. Normally saw her once a week. Anyway, on the second to last date, we hugged and she left my car before a kiss. It threw me off. Thought it was because of the cornonavirus. Feeling were hurt because she knew I wouldn’t see her for awhile. But I didn’t address it on the next date the following week. (vacation was cancelled). She seemed off and I left without giving her a kiss. I felt horrible afterwards. Waited a day to try and talk to her but she was busy. She’s a workaholic and I broke our communication “protocol” in despair need of answers. I got emotional and called her out (no yelling, just emotionally). She told me she felt like a bad person because she didn’t have to time to invest in me like I did for her.

    To note. Her father was sick and just visited him and wasn’t going to see him for months. Her part time job was making heavy changes because of the Coronavirus which was reducing her hours at her primary job. Her sister lost her job too. Her dance class was cancelled and she was trying to squeeze in an online class which she was struggling with. Her plans for a business also fell apart.

    Then comes a sobbing me looking for clarity. I was thinking about myself and us. I thought being the most stable thing on her life she’d fight to make us work or calm my nerves. What I didn’t realize at the time was she didn’t have clarity with most other important aspects in her life. When she needed me to be the most stable, I became unstable with emotions. I get why she broke up with me. I shouldn’t have put that on her. She let me down easy. With open communication available. I feel terrible now that I realize I was wrong and want to win her back. I still plan on giving her space. It’s been able a week without contact. How should I approach it?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 6, 2020 at 2:23 pm

      Hi Chris, you need to complete 45 days No Contact and learn to control your emotions. Reaching you after 45 days with a text to have a short and positive conversation with your ex that is not emotional, or talking about the relationship, future, or the breakup

  7. Avatar

    Marissa

    February 9, 2020 at 2:48 pm

    Hi there,

    I was dating a guy for 10 months and two of them we were in a committed relationship. He broke up with me all of a sudden and it was really confusing. We were still talking and seeing each other sometimes until a few weeks passed and I had this gut feeling he cheated on me when we were together. I was right, he did cheat on me. Still, I wanted to see him and try and make it work. He was there for it and we tried for a few more weeks but it was such a mess. I was so hurt and riddled with anxiety while he couldn’t figure out what he was doing. Eventually we broke it off for “good”. Once we decided that I went a little crazy and couldn’t stop talking to him like I said I would. I said some mean things… and now I’m sure he resents me so much. I feel awful. We haven’t spoken for 1 month now and I want to apologize so much for dragging our break-up out and not being able to control my contact with him. The tables have truly turned.. even though he cheated on me I feel bad for my actions for months after. What should I do? I want to apologize but don’t want to seem desperate or continue to bother him… I don’t want to get back with him but i hate knowing this person I once loved so much feels not like my enemy.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 17, 2020 at 9:02 am

      Hi Marissa, so your ex cheats on you and you want to apologise to him?? Definitely not. When someone cheats on you it hurts your feeling you are allowed to be upset hurt angry and you are allowed to stop trusting someone because they have broken that trust. The biggest thing you need right now is some space between you both. Take some time for yourself to heal from the break up and the broken trust that he caused by cheating. You tried to make it work and it didn’t because he is not willing to change his ways. During no contact you need to look up the articles about becoming Ungettable and make sure that you are working on yourself and healing

  8. Avatar

    LH

    December 28, 2019 at 12:52 am

    Hello, my ex apologized to me over text after 3 weeks of no contact. For some unknown reason, I doubted his sincerity and asked what his real reasons were for the apology. To which, he replied that it was because he had sincerely felt bad and ‘nothing more nothing less’.
    Now I feel stupid. What shall I do now?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 30, 2019 at 3:18 pm

      Complete a No Contact before you reach out and not bring up your past, just try to have a positive conversation with your ex as a friend first

  9. Avatar

    SDC

    November 29, 2019 at 8:58 am

    Hi,
    So today was my first contact after 38 days no contact. I called him and we just ended up FaceTiming for about 20 mins I’d say. We were both a little nervous it seemed but I told him happy thanksgiving and I asked him what’s he’s been up to lately, how schoo is etc. it seems like his life hasn’t really changed that much and he’s really not doing better without me which makes me low key sad but happy at the Same time because when he asked me what I’ve been up to I had a lot to say about school, hanging out with friends (new and old). I also told him about how I did my hair myself and was wondering if the hair color looked nice to which he said “you look really good. You did a great job” and he said he’s glad I’m doing so great In school etc. he wasn’t over ectastic to see me but he never rushed me off the phone and he just seemed a bit nervous to speak so I made a few jokes here and there about a mutual friend and other things. When I was done talking about what I’ve been doing, he surprised me by saying that he wanted to apologize about how he treated me and was talking to me the last time we spoke (he was rude and mean) and he feels bad for hurting me that way. It took me back a little and I could feel the tears wanting to come out but I didn’t. Instead I just told him well thanks for the apology, it may have hurt at the time but I appreciate it and it’s in the past so I forgive him and I also apologized for how I was acting afterwards (crazy at first after he broke up with me) and stated I was in shock at the moment and it was wrong so I decided to step back. I was going to end the conversation there but he got to first because he had to go to his grandfathers house (which I know is true) and he said we can catch up another time. But I was never gonna mention anything negative in The first place so it really took me back that he actually wanted to apologize. What could this mean? That he just feels bad and guilty, or he cares about how it made me feel or both? Anyways I’m thinking about giving it a week before I try and contact him again. I will be in his area in a month or so, so I’m not trying to rush the process but I want to get to a point where he feels comfortable meeting with me. Btw we were long distance 2 years and he lives on the other side of the country so being a few hours away from him doesn’t happen often, so I’m hoping we can somehow talk then. What’s the best way to mention that to him in a few weeks? I’m going there to see my aunt and he’s been to her house before so he knows where. Also during the no contact he would watch my stories everyday for a week and a half unfollow me on ig, then block me on another app (even though I don’t follow him on there or don’t go on his page) and then unblocked me the week after. Seems kind of childish, but my friends told me it means he most likely was going back and forth in his head about the relationship. What do you think? I’m gonna give this relationship one last ty to see if it works, but if I don’t eventually see any reciprocated effort I want to fully move on. But for now can you answer my previous questions and what are the best tips you have to continue from here?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 1, 2019 at 10:34 pm

      Hi SDC so the issue you have is that you skipped the value chain went straight to a FaceTime call where you should have started with a texting conversation and ended it brief and short. So that’s what you need to do now, text and keep it positive friendly and short.Building up the amount of time you are texting or in contact, so that you have brief phone calls and lengthen them in time too. If you do this correctly you should be at a point where he would be open to meeting you shortly when you are in his area in a months time.

  10. Avatar

    Temitope

    November 21, 2019 at 9:05 am

    Hello, I read your post and I believe you could help me, I’m from Nigeria in Africa.. I broke up with my ex 4years ago I was still in the university and I was a bit childish and also I felt he controlled me but the worse part was the fact that I allowed advices from people get to me, so when he made a little mistake I took it as chance to get free from him and his controlling ways, also explore what the world has to offer, but I can say that was big mistake on my part, I’ve not been in a relationship since we broke up because I keep comparing other guys to him.
    Everytime I reminisce on our relationship I know deep down I lost a good man, although I thought he was controlling me but now I’ve realized he was trying to do what was best for me in his own little way, he spoilt me and loved me honestly he tried for a year to get me back but I was still stubborn and nonchalant
    We’re distance apart (he’s in Canada now) and I don’t think he would ever want me back, I’ve not summoned courage to ask him about his life and also know if he is in a relationship now
    Although I feel I should just let him go but it’s killing me softly that I had a good man and I lost him to my childish ways
    What do you think I should do in my situation?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 6:06 pm

      Hey Temitope so I would reach out as a friend and see what sort of response you get from him. And make sure you are fully aware of what comes from being a long distance relationship

  11. Avatar

    SAY SOMETHING

    November 20, 2019 at 8:29 pm

    About 2 days ago me and my boyfriend agreed on breaking up. First, we were long distance, which was easy for 3 months until work and school got to the best of our stress. We stopped contacting each other for days, or we’d miss each other’s calls. I felt bad and realized if this continued we’d lose each other, so I made efforts to call and ask about his day. I wasn’t getting replies for days, simply I was trying but he wasn’t. I was annoyed, so I told him “ I’ve been annoyed, with how one sided the effort is.” I didn’t get a response for a whole day. I became very angry, so I texted “People give effort to things that matter to
    them, at this point there is no point in having the conversation I desired, simply because you don’t care. I don’t want to think about this subject anymore. Good bye.” He did not reply for another day, I was on fire with anger so I said the most belittling things I could think off “you’re a coward, who doesn’t have the balls to say what needs to be said, you aren’t the man I thought you were. I’m disgusted.” He finally replied with “ I was busy for days on end, the day you texted me with your concern about my efforts I had lots of hw and work to accomplish. I was going to call you after I finished my list, but then you broke up with me saying “good bye” in other words means “don’t talk to me”. So I didn’t. We both agreed we had to much going on to give our relationship so much time now, especially sense we still live 1000+ miles apart. I know I’m a coward, I didn’t want to make you cry or hate me. But our bridge is burned, I hope you again all the happiness you desire in this world. Never treat yourself poorly. Good bye.” Right away I was relieved but I knew I couldn’t do the long distance any more, but I don’t want to lose him forever, in a year he will move back here and I would like us to be together then. But after he said goodbye I was acting as a fool and replied even those he basically said “don’t reply” at the end.”, I replied with “ I would never have agreed to be in a long distance relationship, but you came into my life as if I knew you. Everything you said was insincere with my mind, everything I said made you smile and say how’d you know I was about to say that. Even though you weren’t here next to me I always felt we were there for each other, until these last weeks. I never wanted thing to end like this, I expected us to at least be friends. But I became very very angry thinking you had ghosted me, left me with out a word. But you aren’t a coward, I just needed communication from you.” That was it he hasn’t replied, we haven’t spoke. I wanted to apologize I feel so petty for attacking him and acting like a desperate person. I’m lost and stuck.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 12:45 am

      Hi There, so the first thing you need to do is the no contact rule for a minimum of 30 days and during that time you need to work on becoming ungettable. It can be really tough doing a long distance relationship because you dont get to see each other for the physical side of things when times get hard. So you need to work out if you can do a long distance relationship long term. Read some more articles that apply to your situation so that you know how to handle different situations.

  12. Avatar

    Annabelle

    July 18, 2019 at 5:28 am

    He chris so our break up was really bad.. we had been in rocks for months and I was trying my best to become better. (Bipolar partner cheated on me) and when I found out I lost it. We broke up, I said I was talking to someone else… I freaked out on them I was just so hurt
    We calmed down and talked a bit he said she was going tot ale her meds and you know maybe in the future we can try again, we’ll the person I told them I was talking to show up as they were walking out and I walked to the car and explained I lied and it was my friend that was just going to be there to help me get through the night because I decided to get drunk. This break up really hurt me. I thought he loved me. We shared amazing memories travel to different places together, stayed in nice hotels and just lots of fun memories. After I explained it was my friend he said you know be safe, and well I went and posted a snap with this person.. and he saw it and deleted me off Snapchat. The night I found out he cheated I was very upset and told him to leave my life and never comeback and block me everywhere over the phone. And told her that’s okay I’m talking to someone else who probably will treat me better. So she blocked me on Facebook and phone and the next day came to the house to grab his things. Which is when I freaked out and my friend showed up to which he responded have fun with that bitch she said you’re so fucked up as he walked away . Well after I went and talked to him and explained about it just being a friend. Well we went our separate ways and I went on snap the only thing she hadn’t blocked me on and posted a snap somewhat flirtatious with my friend.. she took me off then. It really hurt I didn’t talked to her for about 2 weeks and after laying out to my friend that it really loved her and I felt bad about how things ended. ( I was really reallly reallly mean) my friend advice I text her and apologize. And so I did. I sent her an apology that was sincere. I said I hope we can be friends ( in the apology I said I accepted were Are done) I acknowledged my part in the break up things I need to work on myself. I didn’t get into details only said I know I contributed to the break up as well.
    A little more back story. I’m her first love and she is the first girl I ever felt so strongly about so I guess I could say she’s my first real love. I made sure that I told her I did mean those things, continuing with Im aware we can’t be together anymore but that I wouldn’t wanna lose someone who meant so much to me at some point. Said I was sorry about the things I called her and to make it seem like I was talking to someone else when I clearly wasn’t. This is coming once again because of our relationship had a really deep connection. I said I hope she.

  13. Avatar

    Anonymous

    July 18, 2019 at 5:25 am

    He chris so our break up was really bad.. we had been in rocks for months (I was very depressed ) once I snapped out of itand I was trying my best to become better. She went into a manic state (Bipolar partner cheated on me) and when I found out I lost it. We broke up. This break up really hurt me.i became mean and irrational and called her names and was mean and just out of control. ( I didn’t hit her) I thought she loved me. We shared amazing memories travel to different places together, stayed in nice hotels and just lots of fun memories. I kept saying my new bitch is gonna come and I was trying to hurt her so when I finally calmed down and talked she said I was right and she needed to take her meds and work on herself and maybe in the future we can try again. (She literally went full manic and doing reckless and just it’s scary) She told me she loved me and and she’ll always love me. Well my friend the person I said I was talking to showed up and when she saw her she said have fun with that crazy bitch and told me frack you you know just mad at me so I explained it was my friend he said you know be safe, The night I found out she cheated I was very upset and told him to leave my life and never comeback and block me everywhere over the phone. And told her that’s okay I’m talking to someone else who probably will treat me better. So she blocked me on Facebook and phone and the next day came to the house to grab his things. Which is when I freaked out and my friend showed up to which he responded have fun with that bitch she said you’re so fracked up as he walked away . Well after I went and talked to him and explained about it just being a friend. Well we went our separate ways and I went on snap the only thing she hadn’t blocked me on and posted a snap somewhat flirtatious with my friend.. she took me off then. It really hurt I didn’t talked to her for about 2 weeks and after laying out to my friend that it really loved her and I felt bad about how things ended. ( I was really reallly reallly mean) my friend advice I text her and apologize. And so I did. I sent her an apology that was sincere. I said I hope we can be friends ( in the apology I said I accepted were Are done) I acknowledged my part in the break up things I need to work on myself. I didn’t get into details only said I know I contributed to the break up as well.
    A little more back story. I’m her first love and she is the first girl I ever felt so strongly about so I guess I could say she’s my first real love. I made sure that I told her I did mean those things, continuing with Im aware we can’t be together anymore but that I wouldn’t wanna lose someone who meant so much to me at some point and that hope one day we can be friends. I Said I was sorry about the things I called her and to make it seem like I was talking to someone else when I clearly wasn’t. This is coming once again because of our relationship had a really deep connection. I said I hope she’s well and the she’ll always hold a place in my heart. I don’t know if I over did it or not.. but true to be told I really felt bad about the way I behaved. So I needed it to get it off my chest. I love the girl so much but I know I cannot be with her because she needs to work on her mental health first as I need to work on my own mental problems. ( and I don’t want to mess my own mental health for being with someone who’s not working on theirs
    But I was hoping I did the right thing. You know because I don’t want her back now. I want to find myself I want to become better and for her to grow and then maybe just maybe we could try again. I’m also wondering if she cares but I think she does because regardless of the fact that I’m blocked she kept my pictures (my friends told me) and I know she’s been very specific about pictures of ex’s she feels like if they’re on the page you’re not over them.
    I’m hoping to grow and really working on myself to improve. Yes I would like to be with her again but only if she’s really willing to work on her mental health and show it to me and me being in a stable place as well. So basically my question is. Obviously I’m not going to try to contact her again. If she replies I don’t even know what I would say but I will be sure to keep it short. Do you think I did the right thing by apologizing when I know for a fact I truly hurt her feelings?

  14. Avatar

    Speck

    May 3, 2019 at 8:28 pm

    Hey Chris!

    Ok I’m really wondering what to do here….I met my ex as a friend many years ago, nothing was between us initially because he was married. Years go by and we stayed distant friends catching up onceor twice a year (he came on vacation to my work) The last two years he was confiding in me that his marriage was really bad. Then I didn’t see him for a year. The next year he came back and had separated from his wife 6 months earlier. He told me he had been thinking of me for a long time and wanted to give it a sincere shot. I said it was bad timing (I was going out of country for work and him getting divorced) but he insisted he was really wanting to give it a shot, we decided to take it slow and build a foundation. In my mind that meant communicating everything on the table. In his mind that meant something different. It all went swimmingly for 5 months, minus the fact that he wasn’t opening up, I just thought he needed time to feel safe so I didn’t push it. Then I realized he had only texted me for 2 months, no call. I started to feel that was strange, maybe I thought it was more than it actually was…? He wasn’t making a ton of effort, but he has 2 businesses, kids and an ex wife to deal with….so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. When he finally did want to call (his idea entirely) we had some issues making it happen, WiFi etc. I (stupidly) put it out there that if it wasn’t working, we could drop it, and he completely ghosted me. I panicked. I tried texting and calling, no answer….so I blocked him and decided that was it. I guessed he wasn’t that into me. About 2 weeks later I get an email saying he was sorry that he didn’t have more time for me, he was overwhelmed with work and kids but he wanted to talk to me that weekend. I thought it was a bit of a grade 9 let down but I responded politely, said ghosting was hurtful for me (I’ve been severely abandoned) and said let’s talk on X date. No reply and X date came and went, so I texted him saying I guess he got busy and that I never needed more of his time, I just needed him to communicate straight up and that he maybe lost interest. I was happy to take a step back if that’s what he wanted for some space to figure things out. Meanwhile I was fuming on the inside…..I was rejected and hurt. I told him I wanted to focus my dating energy on someone who was really into me. Bad I know, but I wanted to seem strong and independent not blubbering and needy like I felt on the inside!! Anyway, he didn’t respond of course so, I blocked him. I just didn’t want to be reminded of the hurt and why I wasn’t good enough to fight for. I thought I was supposed to move on so I did. Three months later he writes me an email saying sorry for ghosting and that being away from his kids was hard for him and that he was in full on divorce now. He said write back if I was feeling it, if not he understood (don’t know why he couldn’t tell me that 3 months earlier, so I could support him…). I was cautious….should I respond and get ghosted again or should I not respond? I took a while then responded out of politeness and also for growth and understanding. I said thanks, sorry for what he’s going through, ghosting is not ok and what were his intentions going forward? To which I heard nothing…….I left it 6 days (almost died ha) and then I called him out via text “did you get my email or are you ghosting again” he replied saying he wasn’t ignoring he just wanted to write a proper response. Fine, just don’t take weeks/months. He said true and I miss you. I didn’t respond because I wasn’t sure his intentions yet……I waited…..days went by…….a couple short benign texts but still no real response. I felt played. It was Christmas and for sure I wasn’t going to let this guy ghost me again on Christmas! After days of not hearing a damn thing I sent him a message saying “He taken so long to respond, that I no longer cared. I wished him all the best and hoped he would stop leaving women in limbo. ………Mean I know, but ghosting is real hurtful shit, I didn’t want someone who couldnt communicate, I don’t like to make assumptions. Of course, I never heard from him again……

    Now, I look back and see he probably was being honest but was just scared of all the emotions coming up, maybe things moved too fast but that he did like me and want me around but didn’t know what to do. I acted impatient and like a jerk out of hurt, now 4 months have passed of No contact. Is it worth it to apologize and clear the air so that there could be a positive end at least? We were friends for years, it’d be a shame to end on such a bad note. If I forgive him and say sorry for my part maybe there’ll be at least less negative energy put out in the universe…? HELP! Ha

  15. Avatar

    Catherine

    May 1, 2019 at 3:30 pm

    I received a text today after 5 days of no contact from ex . Said could he ring to apologise for hurting me. I left him on “read” to think for a few hours . Finally replied with “ok . Ring at “this time”” …. I want to be able to have a quiet place to listen and talk to him so this time is best for me. Time is late but suitable as know it’s near his bedtime .

    Replied ” there is no excuse how I treated you, I try and call then ”

    Did not reply as unsure if I should. Want the phone call to hear him talk.

    I did returned a “gift” (he never stated it was a gift so in my eyes not an official gift) and a birthday gift I had brought for him for his next visit , week before birthday (didnt want to look at gift , it was very unique gift for him). Message inside was simple (happy birthday. I hope you like it ). I think he got parcel today.

    Still hurting but not as low as first 2 days

    I really like him. First time I have felt this way about anyone in years.

    We both been hurt before. He broke up with me as said not ready or capable for a relationship. I just wanted to see him to come and see me (I would go to him . Didnt care about location . It was just to meet up ). Trying to keep my expectations to just that. Wanted to know what I was feeling was real.

    No contact was hard but I do as I say so that’s why I return book/sent gift on the day I stated . He gave me his address (couldn’t remember number of house) …. said sorry in every sentence by text toward the end of the “talk” last week …. I told him stop being so nice …. i am not angry. Just said he made me “smile” . Ask him was his happy. Replied “that’s not it…. I wouldn’t live up to his expectations” .

    Just feel sad.

    I miss talk to him…..

  16. Avatar

    Eva

    March 21, 2019 at 6:33 pm

    Hey Chris
    So I did something truly shameful. My ex split off with me and in my anger (On Off relationship) I threatened him to let him beat up. I got really toxic and I am so ashamed.
    He lost it completely and (beside all bad things he did) doesn’t want to ever see me again.
    I feel I need to apologise, but should I do it right away or wait a bit until things calmed down?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 22, 2019 at 12:31 am

      That is usually the wise approach. Give it some time and allow things to cool down. And go pick up my epic long eBook, “EBR PRO” so you have a game plan going forward!

  17. Avatar

    Sarah

    January 30, 2019 at 5:28 am

    Hi,
    I impulsively broke it off with this guy of 1 year because I constantly felt like I loved him more than I got in return. Ultimately he’s a good guy. We had a bond. We meshed very well. It was a vibe. But there were a bunch of things that added up like not getting enough attention, our relationship lacked normalcy we had never been to a grocery store together but mostly because our schedules didn’t match up to allow for that. However there are work arounds for things you want to make time for and I felt like we weren’t developing the way we should have after that amount of time. He communicated well though and always told me his reasons. Some I believed, some were cop outs, some bs. But he always offered a reason. After a while I felt like I was wasting my time. And so, I called him and said “I just want to break up with you!” And hung up. Like on a bad episode of greys anatomy. That was 4 months ago. Yesterday I reached out to him. And boom, now we are texting. I’m surprised he responded. Is an apology in order?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 31, 2019 at 1:33 am

      I am not so sure if an apology is necessary. Keep the line of communication on positive things, building positive conversation pieces and moments.

  18. Avatar

    Cherry

    November 30, 2018 at 9:02 pm

    Hey chris,
    I broke up with my ex boyfriend on 25th november. We’ve been together for like 1.5 year. However, after immence discussions and fights, the NC rule had began just a day ago and it ends on 21 december. However, he had has birthday on 17th december. So, shall I contact him for that natter? Will it break the NC rule?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 1, 2018 at 12:19 am

      Hi Cherry!

      I am sorry your fights were so negative. As to ending NC a bit early it might be good timing. You know….NC is an adaptable principle. Its not carved in stone. One should be very committed to upholding their ex recovery plan, but even I talk about making exceptions in some situations, such as in my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”

  19. Avatar

    Han (Ann)

    October 16, 2018 at 3:30 pm

    Hi Chris. I’m 23 years old and I’m from Vietnam, an Eastern country. I’m here to ask for your help in fixing my long-distance relationship. I’ve broken up with a Swiss guy for about 2 weeks, I had a small talk with my friend about this but I still feel confused. So I’m here and hope to have your advice for my problem.

    The guy I am talking about is 31 years old and he is an accountant at a trust bank in Switzerland. We knew each other via a chat site, then became friends on Facebook. At the very first time we talked, he shared that he had a plan to come to visit Asia as a tourist, but when he talked about sex, I did not like it so I ignored him then (well… coz I’m from Eastern culture).

    I had totally forgotten it, til May, when I felt it was a bit… weird that we were in our Facebook contact but we did not communicate, so I started to talk to him, as a friend, then I knew that he was planning to visit South East Asia, also Vietnam, on Aug or Sep. As a Vietnamese friend of his, I helped him in everything for his trip, such as collecting information of where he could visit and stay, also tips to travel here, etc. Then suddenly he told me to be his girlfriend (though text, anyway: “Be my gf”). When I was going to deny, suddenly I thought: “Why don’t I give myself a chance?”, so I accepted. However, I did not let my hope up much in this relationship, and thank to this, I am not really hurt much now.

    Since that time, beside collecting information for his trip together, we started to learn about each other, we shared photos too. He usually talked about sex, I am not interested in sex much like him, but since I felt that he just shared to see how my opinion was about it and never went further, I started to feel more comfortable and liked him. We could not talk to each other much, except on weekend, but when we talked, it was usually about his preparation for the trip.

    The nearer the day that he started his trip came, the less we talked. We just could talk on weekend, when we both had free time, because he was trying to complete his work and preparation before the trip. However, I could not understand why though he was going to start his trip, he still could not know where to stay, then I had to help him to find. Even, when we met in Vietnam, he also did not know where he could go the next day.

    Finally, he was in the North of Vietnam to join a running event, I was a bit worried for him so I usually sent him message, not to control him, just to make sure he was fine…. But maybe I sent too much messages, I guess… I don’t know… (because he usually ignored my messages so I hardly could know what was on his mind).

    Then, when he was in Ho Chi Minh City, it was really difficult to choose a day for us to meet up, since it rained everyday. After a day to discuss, finally we got a deal for our meeting time, I accepted his choice of time.

    When we met, I was so shy and nervous so I could not say anything to him at first 🙁 I took him to visit a war museum, because he had asked me sometimes about the Vietnam war via chat when he was in Switzerland. When we were in taxi, I tried a lot to ask him some general questions, for example: “Have you visited anywhere in HCMC yet?”, “How was the trip in Hanoi?”, etc, but he answered with tiredness, without good focus right on what I asked, he even usually yawned, so I felt sooooo confused, even wondered if the meeting time was not fine for him and made him tired (though he chose it, not me). Therefore, after asking some questions, I felt that he did not want to talk, so I did not want to ask him anymore… And… another thing, during our conversation, he asked me why I had a day off to go with him, I just said: “I am a fresh graduate of a university and I am still finding jobs” (It was just a way to make the joblessness of a freshman like me sound less serious than it really is….).

    When we were in the museum, we did not talk much also. I thought we could go, read information, that was enough, so I did not say anything to him….

    Then we went to meet my cousin at her company, she is just 1 year older than him. When we reached there, he told me that he was thirsty, I gave him my bottle of water but he refused, so we went to a bar near the company. After a while, my cousin came, because it was the first time that they had met, so I let them talked more to each other to make friends. When my cousin asked him how he felt about me, he said that I was quite silent, I just smiled and thought: “I tried to talk to you, but you denied, what could I do??”. Then my cousin just paid money for his water, because things at the bar where we were in are a bit expensive, he looked at me with a surprised eyes as if he asked me why, but I just said awkwardly: “I’m ok”. Deep inside me, I suddenly had a bad feeling about our relationship and this meeting….

    Since the time we went to meet my cousin, and especially since when we had dinner, he seemed to feel better and started talking more. But… just him and my cousin talked to each other only, I could not talk much, unfortunately…. I felt like I was “got rid of” their conversation and I was definitely uncomfortable. And when we said goodbye, suddenly I felt missing him, then I hugged him 2 times @[email protected] Is it weird, Chris?

    On the way to go home, due to what happened in that meeting day, my cousin commented that this guy was still as a youngster, not a real man, though he is over 30, he was a bit careless too, and a bit lacks of politeness, due to some small things he had done when we had been together . My cousin has a Dutch friend, he is such a gentleman and mature, not like this guy (as what she said). When I reached home, I texted him a bit and asked him what he felt about me. Personally, I do not think it was an improper question, do you think it is an improper question, Chris?… Well, he just said “You’re nice, you’re like in camera (means i’m not a cheater), etc”. Infact, you know, I had had a lot of things in my mind that I wanted to tell him, but since my cousin went with us, I could not say anything at all. Moreover, after the meeting, I felt there was something…..awkward…… I don’t know… but I felt the meeting was so….. not fine… I don’t know which word can be used to describe, but in a word, I felt it was not the meeting that I had hoped to have…

    I also told him about that feeling of mine, he just said “it’s ok, it’s nice”, bla bla as he usually said, nothing else.

    The following day, he went to Manila (Philippines), I tried to send him message, but he did not answer, I had not known anything until when he said “no wifi here”, then I realized why we could not talk well 🙁 Plus, stupidly, not only didn’t I say sorry but also had told him that I felt he did not want to talk to me anymore, and I said bye and breakup stuff (before when he said about the limited wifi problem), I think because the confused feeling which I had from the meeting day was still inside me:( I asked him if he came back to HCMC, he said no because he did not like it much and no one spoke English, then I asked him why with a seriocomic way and said it might be because of me (because I also felt myself so boring in our meeting day), he said no. Then, finally, when I asked about our relationship, he just kept silent and then said “sorry will be cut off”, I guess it means “break up”, am I right? (Sorry I’m not really good in English) …. And it was the last message I had from him. In spite of how much I asked him repeatedly if he was sure to end up our relationship (I know this was a stupid thing that I did), he just kept silent.

    I feel I was so stupid when I said break-up stuff like that and I wish I could get him back, but I do not know what I can do…. I read some information on your website to find a way to fix my problem (if it is possible), and I’m implementing the No Contact Rule right after my break-up, but…. I still feel so confused. One of my cousin came to visit me, and after listening to my problem, she said that I had no way to be back to him because I was the one who had said about breaking-up stuff first…. I really do not know what to do… I wish I could be back to that day then I could fixed every mistake, also would not say those mean things to him and would not text him too much like that… Other people tell me to delete him on Facebook, forget him, bla bla, but I feel it is so childish to do that, while he still does not do anything. I really do not know what I should do now…. (Even, some days after saying bye, unintentionally, I pressed the button “hi” to him, just by accident, I do not know if he has anything in his mind, I hope no). 3 days before, after about 2 weeks no contact, I sent him message: “Hi (his name), it’s me , Han from Vietnam. How are you going? I want to be sorry for improper things I said to you during the time you were in Philippines”, I know for sure that he saw that message but still kept silent. And now, I don’t know what I should do next in this situation, please help me.

    Thank you.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 17, 2018 at 1:03 am

      Hi Ann!

      Thank you for sharing your story. IF you are feeling confused about how all this works, then it would serve you to pick up my 485 page eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” as it serves as blueprint and Companion Guide helping you throughout the process. Just go to my home page to see the resources available to you!

  20. Avatar

    Amanda

    September 14, 2018 at 7:19 am

    Hi Chris, any advice with how to move forward would be wonderful! Are you ready? I dated a guy for 2 years (he struggled with commitment from past hurts) after much patience on my part we finally had reached a place of common ground and heading toward committing. I showed up at his home after a night out with friends (drunk) saying things out of anger and not thinking clearly – I was a disaster. He told me to leave in the morning. I messaged an apology because I really was put of lone and he saw a side of me that isnt really true to who I am. He never responded to me but blocked me on social media, I’m not sure if he blocked my # but I dont think so. However it has been 6 months and I’d like to attempt to reconnect. How though? The only Avenue I have is to have a friend message him, or show up at his home and genuinely try reach out (is that psycho tho – they do it in movies Haha- before cell phones!!).
    I’ve read you e-book. I’ve done no contact, I’ve reached out through text, he was very upset with me…… help me?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 17, 2018 at 9:48 pm

      Hi Amanda!

      yes…probably not a good idea to show up at his place….ummmmm…message in the bottle!

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