By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 24th, 2021

Have you ever really wondered what it is that you ex wants in a relationship?

Well, today I’m going to let you in on exactly what could be going through his head.

But first, I feel it’s important that we really study this question and get to the bottom of what you are really asking.

At face value it may appear as if all you care about is understanding what your ex wants but I think there is a deeper question in play here.

What I think you really want to know is what qualities will make your ex want to commit to you.

In other words, what are men really attracted to in a long term partner.

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The Five Qualities That Men Are Irresistibly Drawn To

Steve Jobs once said,

Customers don’t know what they want until you show it to them.

If you ask the majority of men what they want out of a potential partner you’ll get many different confused answers and while I do agree that beauty is often in the eye of the beholder I know for a fact that most men do want predictable qualities in women.

There are five qualities that I’ve identified that most men want.

So, what are they?

  1. The Out Of My League Quality
  2. The Nurture Quality
  3. The Stability Quality
  4. The Mystery Quality
  5. The Balance Quality

I’d like to spend this article dissecting these qualities so that you have a good handle on what men really want in their partners.

Quality #1: The Out of My League Quality

Most women I know are obsessed with one thing when it comes to dating, looks.

They do this because they correctly assume that men care about that in a woman. We live in politically correct times.

Now-a-days people get flamed when they something true like looks do matter.

Anyone who tells you that they don’t matter when it comes to dating is probably delusional or so insecure they can’t admit to the truth.

Now, with that being said I do think that most women take their worries about looks to the extreme.

Yes, men do want a good looking girl but all that really matters is that he feels you are better looking than him.

Which is super easy because if we are all honest almost all women are better looking than men.

I’m sorry but it’s completely true!

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And that is coming from a man.

A few months ago I was watching this show called How I Met Your Mother. It’s a straight up comedy and it has a lot to say about our society and dating in general.

One joke they were setting up in the show was that of the reacher and the settler. It’s a childish concept but overall I think it says something about how men view dating.

Here’s how it works.

In every relationship there is a reacher and a settler.

The Reacher = The person who dates someone above their “class”

The Settler = The person who settles with someone below their “class”

I think most men, especially young millennials, have this childish view of dating.

Men want to be “reachers” so they feel like they should be dating someone better looking than them.

Luckily, most women are better looking than men so it works out quite well.

Quality #2: The Nurture Quality

Men want someone that will make them feel loved and looked after. If you really want to re-attract your ex then this is something that I’m guessing you haven’t done a lot of lately.

Think about it, you went through a breakup and what happens during break ups?

  • Fights
  • Hurt Feelings
  • Anger
  • Sadness
  • Depression

Basically the exact opposite of everything related to nurturing.

So, what does nurturing look like?

Allow me to tell you a story.

When I was 21 I went on a date with a girl and broke my foot.

(It’s a whole story)

You want the story don’t you?

Ok, I had a small stress fracture on my foot but refused to believe it was hurt. My delusion got the better of me as I took this girl to play laser tag and that turned out to be the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

All I remember is hearing a loud pop and feeling the searing pain that goes along with it.

Of course, the date still had to go on so we sat and talked.

Eventually the pain became so bad that I told her I was going to have to leave.

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Now, you’d think this would be a great opportunity for the girl to be nurturing.

To hold me, and try to help me.

Instead she didn’t seem to care at all.

What’s worse is that as I was limping to my car she literally told me that she had to stop herself from kicking my hamstrings out from under me because of my foot.

Yes, I promise you read that right.

She literally told me that she liked to play those kind of jokes on people.

Apparently tripping someone is funny to her.

I looked at her in disbelief.

She could have won major points if she had shown a caring side but instead she proved to me she wasn’t caring at all.

Being nurturing matters.

Quality #3: The Stability Quality

Qualities three, four and five are all closely related and are perhaps the most undervalued ideas that I’ve ever encountered in the dating space.

Let’s talk about stability first.

This isn’t exactly rocket science so it shouldn’t shock you that men appreciate a woman who is stable.

But what do I mean when I talk about stability?

Put simply, we want a woman who we can count on.

One that we can curl up with on a couch on the weekend when we are feeling lazy and just spend the entire day binging Netflix.

Now, most of you who are reading this are probably wondering how you can appear to be more stable to an ex when you feel like you already did that in your relationship.

In fact, some of you may argue that being “stable” was what made your ex leave you in the first place.

To those people I would say hit the pause button because that is something I am going to directly address in quality number five.

Quality #4: The Mystery Quality

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Where quality three was all about stability quality four is all about excitement and adventure.

In fact, I’ve talked a lot about being more mysterious to men in many of the videos on my YouTube channel.


But what is it that men like about the excitement of mystery?

One word.


Each man has a hunger for excitement dwelling within him.


Because our lives are too stable.

They are too boring.

We want to meet someone who can be spontaneous and change our plans at the drop of a hat.

We want someone who we can experience new things with.

Who we can bond with over the excitement of that new thing.

It seems all very conflicting doesn’t it?

Quality three tells you to NOT be exciting.

Quality four tells you TO be exciting.

What the heck are you supposed to do?

Well, that’s where quality five comes into play.

Quality #5: The Balance Quality

Have you ever heard of the concept of yin and yang?

It’s an ancient Chinese philosophy describing how opposite forces are actually complementary.

That’s exactly how stability and mystery work in relationships.

If you only have a relationship that is “stable” it becomes boring and stale. In fact, many of my clients cite this as a reason for why their exes broke up with them.

And if you only have adventure and adrenaline in your relationship it becomes unstable and therefore unsafe.

Instead, like the yin and the yang, you need to have a healthy dose of both qualities embedded into your relationship.

What’s interesting is that each person is unique in their wants and needs.

One ex may veer more towards stability while another may want more mystery.

What’s clear is that both are essential to illustrate to an ex if you want to have any chance of re-attracting him.

Which way your ex leans is up to you to determine but rest assured most exes will learn more towards one side of the coin.

To make matters more complicated you’ll find that sometimes the way he leans will change over time.

You can definitely see this phenomenon occur when college students transfer into their career.

For them, college may have been full of adventure and excitement (mystery) in the form of parties.

However, when it’s time to buckle down and choose a career you’ll find that exciting behaviors start to be prioritized less and less.

It doesn’t mean that men don’t want those exciting behaviors in their lives it just means they are placing less of an emphasis on them.

Do some soul searching and figure out which way your ex leans and you may have just figured out the broad strokes of how to re-attract him.

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8 thoughts on “How To Re-Attract Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Unsure

    January 29, 2020 at 10:48 pm

    I have posted before but couldn’t figure out where so I’ll just go back over the basics. My ex and I have been broken up for close to a year. Together for almost 9 years. We have a 2 year old child. During childbirth I sustained an injury that left me disabled. By the time we broke up we had already lost our home and moved in with family due to my inability to work. There was a lot of stress in our relationship during that time. He is the one that ultimately ended it. He had been using tinder while we were still together and began dating someone new before I moved out. Their relationship is over now. I did limited contact for a long time. I was not ready to be close with him again plus he was with her. Over the last couple months we have been hanging out a bit. Always at my place. He stays after our daughter goes to bed when he drops her off. We have a couple drinks and talk for hours. Recently when I dropped her off at his place I mentioned that I was going out by myself later that night. He suggested meeting up and I said okay. We met at a restaurant and had dinner. First time out together without kids since the breakup. Afterwards he invited me back to his place. That is where I could have went home but didn’t. We started watching tv together and one thing led to another… I knew it might not be the best idea but it happened. Right before he told me that he had really missed me. Not sure what about me he was referring to but I didn’t ask questions. It was definitely incredible for both of us. It was late and I was a bit tipsy so I stayed over. The next morning felt kind of weird so I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek then rushed out. He didn’t text me after but when he came to bring our daughter home we both acted like nothing had happened. I made dinner and we talked about random stuff for hours like usual. Next day I sent a funny snap of our daughter and he replied. Had a few short exchanges which is how we usually communicate during the week. Yesterday I asked him if he had heard of a band I was thinking of seeing because I could have sworn I had heard them before. Since he plays and knows a lot of bands I figured it was him. Turns out I must have heard them from someone else lol then he said he didn’t know what his plans are for the weekend yet but to let him know if I decided to go. Today I told him I was definitely going and to lmk if he wanted to come so I can get a ticket for him. Haven’t heard back yet but that’s not unusual. What should I do from here? Keep pretending the hookup never happened and just spend more time together? What do I do if he tries to initiate intimacy again? Is it really a such bad idea? We didn’t wait until we were “official” when we first met. Haven’t with anyone I’ve entered a relationship with but since he’s my ex maybe it’s different. Really don’t want to ruin the progress we’ve made. I do think it’s notable that we have not kissed or touched other than that night. I truly don’t know what he wants from this but I don’t feel like I should ask. Pretty certain he has no idea.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 8, 2020 at 4:45 pm

      Hey there I am sure I have replied to you before, definitely do not be intimate with him again unless / until you are back together. Working on yourself and showing him that you are desirable to other guys is going to give him the drive he needs to make a decision to come back before someone else takes his chance. I understand how people think it is not a big deal to sleep with someone if you’re not together, but because of your history you do not want to fall into the friends with benefits situation. Withholding those romantic moments for when you are back in a relationship is going to show respect for yourself.

  2. Rozan Bowers

    October 14, 2019 at 2:12 pm

    My ex broke up with me, he said, be a of his soon-to-be-ex-wife and her toxicity with the kids. It was always about me, where she was concerned.

    To me, the break up came out of the blue, but he isn’t a rash guy, so I know must have been planned.

    He will randomly text that he loves me and misses me, but only after a few days of not making any contact. (I’ve made a lot of the typical mistakes and tend to do things differently.).

    We are both in AA. I was pivotal in getting him to treatment and out of the toxic marriage. He said “I love you” first, I’ve spent 5 days with him and his entire family in another state, but then he has to hide any presence of my existence from his place when his kids come over. (He is very catholic and doesn’t believe in teaching his kids that it is okay to be in a relationship when still legally married.)

    When he first got out of treatment, he was didn’t think I’d still be here for him: he said he was prepared to whatever it took to get me back. We’ve talked about a future together, can’t imagine his future without me, blah, blah, blah.

    At this point, he is telling me that at random, that he loves me and misses me, but that he is interested in several other women. He claims the break up was about simplifying his life until the divorce was final, (3 more months).

    I guess what I want to know is this: is he playing games with me, is it possible he never loved me?

    Things were amazing between us. We never argued, choosing to always talk. His whole demeanor changes around me, he stands taller, his whole face smiles, some peacocking, and I’ve noticed some mirroring of my movements. Also, he can’t take his eyes off me when we are in a meeting together. I have intentionally been watching through my peripheral, that he will watch me for periods of time.

    I’m not sure if he is just keeping me on a string, as a possible back up plan, or if he does actually care for me… curious, please help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 15, 2019 at 7:23 pm

      You need to stick with a FULL NC and work on yourself, make sure that you are happy in yourself and in your own company before reaching out to him. If he is stringing you along then it will show by his reaction to you sticking with your NC but you have to be strong and stick with it

  3. Wendy

    October 14, 2019 at 2:04 am

    My ex and I have been dating for 2yrs. He broke up with me a few days ago and we live in a remote island with 22 other people on a research base so we will see each other every day still.
    I still love him but he said our relationship is too much work for him but he is still attracted to me. We still hang out in his room and everything is calm. He kissed me and then walked away last night.
    I want to get back together and how would no contact work in this instance?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 15, 2019 at 7:59 pm

      Yes but it would be limited nc where you remain professional and polite but you need to spend as little time as possible with him or around him

  4. Minnie

    October 5, 2019 at 2:39 pm

    I’m 3 weeks into NC. My bf broke up with me bc he felt he wasn’t good enough for me and wants to take time to become a better person (this is the 3rd time, ave once a yr. Together 3.5 yrs. Same reason every time). He said he felt confused about how he was feeling but he knows he wants to be with me and he wasn’t even sure if breaking up again was the right thing to do for “our relationship”. He really just needs a stable full time job and I think the feeling he’s having that’s confusing him is insecurity because I’m progressing faster than he is (we are 24). Anyway, I told him to give me space for a month and we’ll see if I even want to talk to him at that point. He vowed to txt me a month from the break up, to the day and even though he deleted any trace of me on his socials (he did this after I did it), he’s been stalking me on social media (yes I’ve been following the social media rules ). I’ve been working on myself as well (back in the gym, making new friends, restarted counseling for my anxiety, diving into hobbies, going out to places I love).
    I want him back but since this has happened so many times, I want to take things REALLY slow with him to rebuild a stronger foundation. I dnt want to get back together until he has a new job and shows that he’s more confident in himself (all things he is working on during NC but I know it’ll take longer than a month to fix). In the past he has been really quick to want to see me, pretty much skipping the texting and calling stage, and would sweep me off my feet immediately after NC.
    I want to have a plan in case he does move too fast again. Any advice on want to do if your ex wants to see you too soon aka immediately after NC? Should I see him and just take things slow in person or decline seeing him and take things slow from afar? Thanks

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 5, 2019 at 9:10 pm

      Hi Minnie, if you want to take it slow then do that. Take it as your own pace knowing you need to remember you still need to work back up the value chain so that you still get the relationship back on track