Have you ever really wondered what it is that you ex wants in a relationship?
Well, today I’m going to let you in on exactly what could be going through his head.
But first, I feel it’s important that we really study this question and get to the bottom of what you are really asking.
At face value it may appear as if all you care about is understanding what your ex wants but I think there is a deeper question in play here.
What I think you really want to know is what qualities will make your ex want to commit to you.
In other words, what are men really attracted to in a long term partner.
The Five Qualities That Men Are Irresistibly Drawn To
Steve Jobs once said,
Customers don’t know what they want until you show it to them.
If you ask the majority of men what they want out of a potential partner you’ll get many different confused answers and while I do agree that beauty is often in the eye of the beholder I know for a fact that most men do want predictable qualities in women.
There are five qualities that I’ve identified that most men want.
So, what are they?
- The Out Of My League Quality
- The Nurture Quality
- The Stability Quality
- The Mystery Quality
- The Balance Quality
I’d like to spend this article dissecting these qualities so that you have a good handle on what men really want in their partners.
Quality #1: The Out of My League Quality
Most women I know are obsessed with one thing when it comes to dating, looks.
They do this because they correctly assume that men care about that in a woman. We live in politically correct times.
Now-a-days people get flamed when they something true like looks do matter.
Anyone who tells you that they don’t matter when it comes to dating is probably delusional or so insecure they can’t admit to the truth.
Now, with that being said I do think that most women take their worries about looks to the extreme.
Yes, men do want a good looking girl but all that really matters is that he feels you are better looking than him.
Which is super easy because if we are all honest almost all women are better looking than men.
I’m sorry but it’s completely true!
And that is coming from a man.
A few months ago I was watching this show called How I Met Your Mother. It’s a straight up comedy and it has a lot to say about our society and dating in general.
One joke they were setting up in the show was that of the reacher and the settler. It’s a childish concept but overall I think it says something about how men view dating.
Here’s how it works.
In every relationship there is a reacher and a settler.
The Reacher = The person who dates someone above their “class”
The Settler = The person who settles with someone below their “class”
I think most men, especially young millennials, have this childish view of dating.
Men want to be “reachers” so they feel like they should be dating someone better looking than them.
Luckily, most women are better looking than men so it works out quite well.
Quality #2: The Nurture Quality
Men want someone that will make them feel loved and looked after. If you really want to re-attract your ex then this is something that I’m guessing you haven’t done a lot of lately.
Think about it, you went through a breakup and what happens during break ups?
- Hurt Feelings
Basically the exact opposite of everything related to nurturing.
So, what does nurturing look like?
Allow me to tell you a story.
When I was 21 I went on a date with a girl and broke my foot.
(It’s a whole story)
You want the story don’t you?
Ok, I had a small stress fracture on my foot but refused to believe it was hurt. My delusion got the better of me as I took this girl to play laser tag and that turned out to be the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.
All I remember is hearing a loud pop and feeling the searing pain that goes along with it.
Of course, the date still had to go on so we sat and talked.
Eventually the pain became so bad that I told her I was going to have to leave.
Now, you’d think this would be a great opportunity for the girl to be nurturing.
To hold me, and try to help me.
Instead she didn’t seem to care at all.
What’s worse is that as I was limping to my car she literally told me that she had to stop herself from kicking my hamstrings out from under me because of my foot.
Yes, I promise you read that right.
She literally told me that she liked to play those kind of jokes on people.
Apparently tripping someone is funny to her.
I looked at her in disbelief.
She could have won major points if she had shown a caring side but instead she proved to me she wasn’t caring at all.
Being nurturing matters.
Quality #3: The Stability Quality
Qualities three, four and five are all closely related and are perhaps the most undervalued ideas that I’ve ever encountered in the dating space.
Let’s talk about stability first.
This isn’t exactly rocket science so it shouldn’t shock you that men appreciate a woman who is stable.
But what do I mean when I talk about stability?
Put simply, we want a woman who we can count on.
One that we can curl up with on a couch on the weekend when we are feeling lazy and just spend the entire day binging Netflix.
Now, most of you who are reading this are probably wondering how you can appear to be more stable to an ex when you feel like you already did that in your relationship.
In fact, some of you may argue that being “stable” was what made your ex leave you in the first place.
To those people I would say hit the pause button because that is something I am going to directly address in quality number five.
Quality #4: The Mystery Quality
Where quality three was all about stability quality four is all about excitement and adventure.
In fact, I’ve talked a lot about being more mysterious to men in many of the videos on my YouTube channel.
But what is it that men like about the excitement of mystery?
Each man has a hunger for excitement dwelling within him.
Because our lives are too stable.
They are too boring.
We want to meet someone who can be spontaneous and change our plans at the drop of a hat.
We want someone who we can experience new things with.
Who we can bond with over the excitement of that new thing.
It seems all very conflicting doesn’t it?
Quality three tells you to NOT be exciting.
Quality four tells you TO be exciting.
What the heck are you supposed to do?
Well, that’s where quality five comes into play.
Quality #5: The Balance Quality
Have you ever heard of the concept of yin and yang?
It’s an ancient Chinese philosophy describing how opposite forces are actually complementary.
That’s exactly how stability and mystery work in relationships.
If you only have a relationship that is “stable” it becomes boring and stale. In fact, many of my clients cite this as a reason for why their exes broke up with them.
And if you only have adventure and adrenaline in your relationship it becomes unstable and therefore unsafe.
Instead, like the yin and the yang, you need to have a healthy dose of both qualities embedded into your relationship.
What’s interesting is that each person is unique in their wants and needs.
One ex may veer more towards stability while another may want more mystery.
What’s clear is that both are essential to illustrate to an ex if you want to have any chance of re-attracting him.
Which way your ex leans is up to you to determine but rest assured most exes will learn more towards one side of the coin.
To make matters more complicated you’ll find that sometimes the way he leans will change over time.
You can definitely see this phenomenon occur when college students transfer into their career.
For them, college may have been full of adventure and excitement (mystery) in the form of parties.
However, when it’s time to buckle down and choose a career you’ll find that exciting behaviors start to be prioritized less and less.
It doesn’t mean that men don’t want those exciting behaviors in their lives it just means they are placing less of an emphasis on them.
Do some soul searching and figure out which way your ex leans and you may have just figured out the broad strokes of how to re-attract him.