Today we are going to be talking about how to rekindle feelings with your ex.

At a glance, it may seem like an easy thing to do but you have to remember that in many cases your ex wants nothing to do with you which makes this pretty difficult.

Here’s the best part.

I’m going to be showing you five strategies that I’ve seen work firsthand at rekindling feelings amongst past lovers.

Are you ready?

Let’s begin!

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5 Ways To Rekindle Feelings With Your Ex

I’ve found that there are five “working” ways to rekindle feelings within your ex. I’m sure there are a lot more in the grand scheme of things but these are the five “ways” I’ve seen work firsthand and are actually backed by science.

From the top,

  1. Utilizing A Confluence Of Events
  2. Like Attracts Like
  3. Experience Something Thrilling Together
  4. Get Them To Share A Secret With You
  5. Craft Your Own Secret Language

Like always, we are going to be diving into each of these things in depth.

Let’s just get right into it.

Way #1: Utilizing A Confluence Of Events

Falling in love with someone requires a certain number of events to happen.

Usually these events can be divided into four primary categories,

  1. What You See
  2. What You Smell
  3. What You Hear
  4. What You Touch

Everything has to happen in the exact right way for you to develop feelings.

Typically these things happen to create a confluence of events that looks like this,

Each of these events has to line up in the exact right way and click on all cylinders for you to develop feelings.

Also consider the fact that each “event” is not greater than the sum of it’s parts.

Here’s another example.


What separates a good movie from a bad movie.

Generally, this happens due to the events unfolding on the screen. Something needs to happen to interest you or you stop investing or caring.

So, what does this have to do with rekindling feelings within your ex?

Well, each person has a unique confluence of events that they “want.” You need to figure out what those events are and do your best to replicate them.

For example, let’s say that you know your ex likes people who are funny.

If that is true you need to find a way to engage in a funny conversation with them (more on that later.)

Try your best to engage all five senses so that your ex has a more complete “confluence of events” with you than with someone else.

Way #2: Like Attracts Like

What’s that famous phrase?

Opposites attract

It’s actually false.

According to everything I’ve experienced working with clients and pretty much every scientific study done on the subject, opposites do not attract.

In reality, like attracts like.

I’ve probably quoted this movie fifty times on this website but I’m going to do it again because that’s just how I roll.

High Fidelity summed it up best,

It’s not what you’re like, it’s what you like.

Basically, when it comes to attraction what really matters is what you have in common.

We tend to want to be around those who like the same things that we do.

Now, sometimes when people hear me say this in my best selling book that mistake it for me saying that they need to change themselves to like everything their ex likes.

That’s not true at all.

All I’m saying is that instead of highlighting the things that you like on a date or in a conversation highlight the things you know for a fact your ex likes.

You’ll find conversations are a lot smoother then.

Way #3: Experience Something Thrilling Together

One of my favorite stories in any medium is a Japanese story called Berserk,


The story starts off with a mercenary in the medieval times named Guts.

Guts is a captain in the mercenary army called “The Band Of The Hawk.”

Another captain named Casca doesn’t like him. In fact, she is so jealous of him that she constantly makes her disdain for him known.

Guts is kind of numb to it all so he just kind of shrugs the disdain off.

Anyways, during a battle one day Casca makes the dumb decision to fight when she has a fever.

It doesn’t go well as she ends up falling from her horse off a small cliff and gets washed away in a river.

Guts goes to save her and eventually finds her and nurses her back to health for a few days.

In the meantime, the army that they were fighting the battle with tracks them down and surrounds them.

Casca is a little too weak to fight so Guts take them all on.

Now, I tell you this story not to show you how good of a story Berserk is but to actually show you the development that has to occur for a fictional character to go from hating someone to actually respecting and liking that same person.

It took a thrilling, life threatening experience to do it.

But that’s a fictional example, right?

True but “thrilling experiences” have been proven to create feelings.

It utilizes a psychological experience called misattribution of emotions.

Essentially when we go through thrilling experiences together with someone we misattribute the emotions that we have from the experience onto the person we are with which enhances their value in our eyes.

Way #4: Get Them To Share A Secret With You

If you’ve read any of my recent articles then you might remember this beauty I wrote a few weeks ago.

You might also remember this graphic,

Specifically I want you to notice the “virgin ground” portion of the graphic.

What do you think I meant by virgin ground?

Quite frankly, I was talking about getting your ex to share something with you that they’ve never told anyone before.

The thinking here is that it’s the ultimate sign of trust.

You see, you are in a slightly different situation than the average person trying to attract someone.

You are trying to attract someone you’ve already attracted before.

Your job is a little more difficult because more than anything it’s about building up enough credibility and trust for them to open up to you again.

Therefore, you are trying to get them to jump through hoops that show they are willing to trust you again.

One of the best ways to do this is to get them to share a secret or get them to literally mutter the phrase,

I’ve never told anyone that before

Let’s move on.

Way #5: Craft Your Own Secret Language

When I was 18 years old I got my very first girlfriend.

She was 17 years old.

So we were very young and still in high school.

The relationship was plagued with many problems but when I think back on it the thing I remember most is how we would talk to each other.

Throughout our conversation we would make jokes that only we understood and created some hilarious gestures in references to those jokes.

She would laugh…

I would laugh…

And it became “our thing.”

Every once in a while while in the midst of mutual friends we’d reference one of the jokes through one our hilarious gestures and both of us would burst out laughing only to have our mutual friends look at us like,

Without even realizing it we had actually created a “secret language” that only the two of us understood.

This language was made up of,

  • Inside Jokes
  • Unique Gestures
  • Special Words

A few years later my best friend Wes and I would go on road trips and do the same thing.

I’ve come to realize that you typically only implement this form of bonding with those who mean a lot to you.

It’s something that separates you from the rest of the pack and helps bond the two of you.

Also, if you really think about it a secret language like this implemented is a form of flattery because only the two of you understand what is going on.


Let’s do a recap of exactly what we talked about in this article.

In order to rekindle feelings with your ex I recommend that you take five steps.

  • Understand how the confluence of events works.
  • Opposites do not attract. Instead, like attracts like.
  • Berserk is awesome!
  • Aim to experience something thrilling together
  • Get your ex to share a secret with you
  • Craft your own secret language (inside jokes, special words, unique gestures, make us feel special and stand out from the crowd)

I talked about some advanced topics here so it wouldn’t shock me if you are confused by the confluence of events or how to go about getting your ex to share a secret with you.

If you are then don’t worry.

Just leave a comment and I’ll get back to you!

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7 thoughts on “How To Rekindle Feelings With Your Ex”

  1. Avatar


    December 28, 2019 at 1:27 am

    Hello Chris, my husband and I split up 4 months ago he said my attitude is what pushed him away. I was contacting him at first every 2 weeks so about 1 1/2mon. After the break up we met in person and talked and he was still sure he did not want to try for our relationship I was emotional but respected what he said. At this point I started NC for 1 1/2mon. Up until this point he was still following me on social media but not liking/viewing anything, I went on a trip and that’s when he viewed my snapchat after viewing the next day he deleted me but kept me on FB until a month later but we saw each other again the day after he deleted me, this was the first time in 2 1/2 months, I followed the graph you have on this article: the small talk- virgin grounds. We went through each step on this one encounter, he share a secret and said the words I never told anyone before, he even cried but he seems adamant about not wanting to come back. I’m unsure of how to move forward. Thank you for any advice you could provide.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 2, 2020 at 11:59 pm

      Hey JJ, so if you have followed the process and he is still not sure if he wants to commit you need to show him how you are the best woman there is for him. So looking at the “attitude” that he referred to have you worked on yourself enough to have a more positive attitude? Do you know what it is he had an issue with? Not that it is all your fault for the break up but if you work on your side of why things broke down then he will be interested in working on himself to make the marriage work. If he is meeting up with you and investing time it seems he would be wanting you back but fear of old patterns returning so just take it easy and don’t pressure the situation

  2. Avatar


    December 7, 2018 at 9:43 pm


    Thanks for all your advice it’s really helped, however I have a question I can’t seem to find an answer for..
    me and my ex are in a really good place right now, we talk most days and go on dates and enjoy the time we spend with each other and we have openly said to each other that we are exclusive however I can tell he is still hesitant to call me his girlfriend, I know these things take time time but any tips to go from exclusive to a relationship? Or do I just continue what I’m doing without putting pressure on the relationship..

    Thanks Shanice 🙂

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 8, 2018 at 3:39 am

      I think the latter….just little steps, doing things as you are. I call it the “Being There” principle. I wrote a post and filmed a video on it (YouTube)!

  3. Avatar


    October 14, 2018 at 5:30 am

    Hi chris and the entire team! First of all, i just want to say i really appreciate the work you and the team are doing. Thank you for doing what you do. 🙂
    Is there any chance to get back together with an ex if he ends it with “i was never really that into you. I tried so hard to love you but i couldn’t. I dont feel anything. I just feel numb and i know if i continue this relationship, it would be unfair to you.”
    We were together for 3 months only and its been a month since we parted ways. We havent spoken to one another since. A part of me wishes to just forget the entire thing never happened but as each day passes, i know deep inside myself that my love for him hasn’t diminished even a little.
    I hope you read this. I hope for your advice.
    Best wishes -S.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 14, 2018 at 9:34 pm

      Hi Sage!

      You are so sweet to say such nice things. Some guys can say really stupid things that they come to regret later.

      Ummmm, take a few weeks and instead of thinking about him, just think about yourself and doing things for yourself to be happy and to have fun. When you are happy, you will be in a better place. Don’t chase thoughts of him. Your left side brain (logical side) knows he is out there and he can come out if he wishes, but don’t let your rights side brain (emotional) keep dwelling on him. Its giving up entirely. Its just being pragmatic.

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 14, 2018 at 9:34 pm

      Hi Sage!

      You are so sweet to say such nice things. Some guys can say really stupid things that they come to regret later.

      Ummmm, take a few weeks and instead of thinking about him, just think about yourself and doing things for yourself to be happy and to have fun. When you are happy, you will be in a better place. Don’t chase thoughts of him. Your left side brain (logical side) knows he is out there and he can come out if he wishes, but don’t let your rights side brain (emotional) keep dwelling on him. Its giving up entirely. Its just being pragmatic.