Today, we’re going to talk about something that I don’t really cover a lot, but it’s something that I see a lot from my one-on-one coaching clients and a lot in our private Facebook group, and that’s how to handle running into your ex during the no-contact rule.
Now, we’re going to hear a question from a woman who wants to remain anonymous, but she called into the podcast because she is dealing with this very issue and she doesn’t know how to handle it.
So we’re going to give her some clarity, but before we get to her question, the first thing that I want to say is that everyone always is looking to answer one simple question, should I get my ex back or not?
I’ve actually put together a special quiz that I believe helps you answer this question to the best of your ability by trying to help you determine what your overall chances are of success.
It’s a simple two-minute quiz that’s designed to tell you what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back.
But more than anything, what it wants to help you do is determine if you’re going to be wasting your time or not, because a lot of people don’t realize that there’s a big time commitment to being successful in trying to win an ex back.
It will help you understand if you need to be putting your time towards getting your ex back or putting your time towards moving on from your ex. If you want to take that quiz, all you’ve got to do is just click the link below,
Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s hear from the woman who wants to remain anonymous.
Anonymous Asks What She Should Do If She Runs Into Her Ex?
Hi. I wanted to know if it would be okay for me to go to an event that I knew my ex would be at.
It’s like an open mic weekly type event.
It’s in a few days and I’ll be 19 days into the no-contact by that time.
I wasn’t sure if that would be breaking the no-contact rule.
I haven’t contacted him at all after we broke up and he hasn’t contacted me either. I thought it might be a good opportunity to show off the new and improved me and just be confident, but yeah, I wasn’t sure if it would be breaking that rule.
Yeah, that was it. Thank you.
Handling “Run Ins” During No Contact In Three Ways
This is as cut and dry as they come.
We have a woman who wants to go to an open mic night stage type of event and she knows for a fact her ex is going to be there.
She doesn’t want to back off on not enjoying life just because her ex is going to be around, but she also doesn’t want to break the no-contact rule.
So what should we do?
Well, I’m going to divide this up into let’s say three sections.
- First we’re just going to talk about run-ins in general.
- Then we’re going to talk about what to do when you run into your ex, or rather, the rules of engagement.
- Then finally, what a successful “run-in” looks like.
It’s also important to preface this by saying that this woman’s in the middle of no-contact, that means she’s not supposed to have any contact with her ex whatsoever.
So we’re going to help her navigate these tricky waters so that she can get the maximum result.
The Two Types Of Run-Ins
All right, so let’s start by talking about the two types of run-ins. I’ve been doing this for a long time, and when it comes to the no-contact rule, there are a lot of emotions involved that cause you to want to see your ex.
It makes sense, because you’re ignoring your ex so therefore you want to see them, you miss them. This creates what we call a staged run-in. Like I said, there are two types of run-ins.
The first type is staged run-ins.
What is a staged run-in?
Well, it’s a fabricated situation that you’ve arranged so that you can interact with your ex essentially.
Now, a staged run-in, it looks like this.
You’re in the middle of a no-contact rule, let’s use our Anonymous’s situation here. She’s in day 19 of the no-contact rule and she purposely wants to see her ex, so she shows up into an area that she knows he’s going to be in.
It’s a staged run-in, she’s trying to fabricate a situation that she can talk to her ex.
Then you have the second type of running that’s a genuine run-in.
A genuine run-in is when you’re basically minding your own business and you are walking down the road and your ex just happens to be there. This is what we call a naturally-occurring situation, where you are forced to interact with your ex.
The big misconception I think a lot of people have is they take no contact to heart, meaning they should literally have no contact with their ex, but no contact doesn’t necessarily mean you need to be rude or mean to your ex. It just means you need to ignore your ex when possible.
If you have a genuine run-in, you are walking down the road, minding your own business, and hey, there’s your ex, he just happens to be around, you don’t have to ignore them.
You can interact with them in a small, quick way, which I’m going to cover in a little bit.
But first things first, let’s talk about our situation here, Anonymous’s situation. I think the important thing here is the intent.
Is she going just because she wants to see her ex? She mentioned that she wants to show off some of her positive changes to him, which is kind of cool, but would lead me to believe that maybe she’s going just for that reason. I think that’s not a good idea, because it means, whether she realizes it or not, she is staging this run-in.
Now, if she happened to go to that open mic night and he just happened to be there, she didn’t know beforehand, what should she do?
The Rules Of Engagements For Run-Ins
Well, let’s talk about the rules of engagement.
In all, there are five rules of engagement when you have a genuine run-in.
Rule #1: Don’t Initiate
What do I mean by that?
Well, a lot of people overreact when they see their ex. They see their ex and they immediately think, “Oh, I should say something. I should wave.” No, you shouldn’t. Think of it like this, a genuine run-in is one where you’re walking through the mall and your ex happens to be there.
You don’t want to initiate contact with him until he initiates contact with you first, then you can engage with him.
Rule number one, don’t initiate.
Rule #2: Keep your distance.
If you see him and he’s way across the mall and he hasn’t seen you yet, don’t go closer to him, just keep doing what you were doing.
But let’s say that he sees you, walks over and starts to talk to you, what do you do then?
Rule #3: Match His Greeting
Well, this is where rule number three comes into play.
Match his greeting.
Let’s say he comes up to you and says,
“Oh, hi. I’ve missed you so much. How are you doing?”
First off, don’t say that you’ve missed him, but match his greeting, match his style of greeting.
Just basically say,
“Oh, hi. Yeah, I’ve been doing really, really well. How about you?”
This actually leads us seamlessly into our fourth rule of engagement, keep things simple.
Rule #4: Keep Things Simple
A lot of people have a tendency when they interact with someone that they love deeply to not keep things simple, to immediately get into the emotional things, to immediately say, “I’ve been really struggling without you. I really miss you. I love you.” No, we’re trying to keep things very simple.
We’re going to talk small talk.
Now, I’ve talked a lot about the five different types of conversations that you should be having with your ex. You have small talk, then you have telling stories, sharing opinions, talking virgin ground, and then sharing feelings. This isn’t a time to share feelings or share opinions.
This is a time for small talk.
Talk about things that are relevant to both of you that are non-confrontational, the weather, maybe something that’s going on in the world right now. Coronavirus seems to be a big thing, talk about the coronavirus.
Weird, but that’s keeping things simple.
Rule #5: Excuse Yourself
Then we have the fifth rule of engagement, and that’s excuse yourself.
Let’s go through the five rules because I think excuse yourself kind of encompasses all of this. Number one, we don’t initiate. Number two, we keep our distance. Number three, if he initiates, you match his style of greeting.
Number four, you get into a quick, simple conversation with him, and then you excuse yourself. How do you excuse yourself? You say, “Well, I’ve got somewhere to be at 5:00 PM so I’ve got to take off here, but it was really nice seeing you,” bam, out of there.
Keep it short and simple.
Those are your five rules of engagements if you have a genuine run-in with your ex, but then of course we need to look at the broader picture.
What Does A Successful Run-In Look Like?
Well, number one, we know it should not be staged. It should be genuine, meaning it should catch you off guard. Number two, we need to strictly follow the rules of engagement. You only want to interact with your ex if you are forced to interact with your ex.
But success, what does that look like? Well, a run-in needs ultimately be kept short, sweet into the point, but ultimately there’s one end goal that you want to leave your ex with and that’s the fact that it should be a positive interaction that leaves your ex wanting more information.
You should be bubbly, you should be happy, you should be smiling a lot.
You should always look good while you’re going out just in case. But more than anything, if you’re in interacting with your ex and you’re keeping it short, sweet, and to the point, and then you’re leaving, he needs to leave that thinking positive things about you.
He also needs to leave that interaction thinking, “What’s going on with her,” so that he becomes more curious. Curiosity is the one thing that will make him go onto Facebook, Facebook stalk you, see what you’re going, see where you’re doing, see what’s up in your life. It gets them thinking about you, and that actually helps during the no-contact rule.
Now, let’s insert the million-dollar question here. Having a genuine run-in, does that mean you have to start no contact over? No. If it’s genuine, that means you don’t need to start it over. If it’s genuine and you followed all of the rules of engagement, you left him with a positive feeling, wanting more information, you just keep doing no contact.
If you’re on day 19, finish up your 30 days or 45 days or 21 days, whatever you chose. But if it’s a staged run-in, you need to start no contact over from the very beginning. It’s tough, because believe it or not, more often than not, we’re dealing with staged run-ins, not genuine run-ins.
I’m left to believe that the person who left the voicemail, Anonymous, her heart is in the right place, but she is manufacturing a staged run-in, and that is something that I cannot recommend that she does.
Now, if it was a genuine one, if she didn’t know he was going to be there, then she could go, but the fact that she knows he’s going to be there, I feel like what’s important is not the fact that it’s a staged run-in, it’s where her mind is.
Notice she called into this podcast asking for help about a staged run-in.
She wants the rules of engagement of how she should act, but one thing that I haven’t told you about people who stage run-ins is that their mind is not capable of following the rules of engagement.
That’s a pretty bold statement by me, but why? Well, it’s because her mind is only going to be thinking about getting her ex back.
It’s only going to be thinking about, “I need this to go well.” She’s going to appear inauthentic.
One thing that I’ve learned in the decade I’ve been doing this is that someone who comes in and organically lets a conversation unfold always ends up appearing more positive to an ex than someone who comes in with prepared material.
So if you’re sitting there and you’re in the middle of the no-contact rule and you are trying to stage your run-in, think twice about it, because it could actually hurt you more than help you.