Today I got asked a really interesting question,
Chris, what do I have to do or say to make my ex boyfriend interested in me again? How can I re-create the spark?
Now, when you run a website like this as long as I have you tend to see a lot of questions like this and I feel like I’ve answered it to best of my ability multiple times.
But every time I feel I answer this question to the best of my ability I learn something new that shifts my perspective on it.
As a result, I keep refining my process and over time it becomes better and better. After all, the one constant thing in life is change.
Anyways, today I tackled making an ex interested in you again and I’m really excited to tell you about it.
But first lets talk about Sue who asked me the original question.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSue’s Situation
- Sue historically hasn’t ever had any issues attracting an ex to her
- However, this guy is different
- She wants help to figure out what she can do to hold his interest
- She wants to the chemistry to pick back up
What We Talk About In This Episode
- I talk a bit about the importance of creating an interest within your ex
- Misattribution of emotions
- The single most important mindset that you need to have
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
In the episode I mentioned that I was going to include a few things.
- Take our Quiz to learn your chances on getting your ex back
- Leave an honest rating or review
- The Article On Making Him Interested
Video On Making Your Ex Interested
Transcript Of The Episode
Chris:
Hey, hey, hey!
What’s up and welcome to another fine episode of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. If you don’t know, The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast is basically where we take viewers questions and talk about how to improve your situation after a break up whether that’s getting your ex back, if that’s what you want or getting over an ex.
And usually we do a lot of different things on this podcast, sometimes I interview experts, sometimes I take random questions from my listeners and then sometimes I’ll just ramble around. Today we’re going to be hearing from a woman name Sue who has probably one of the most common questions that I get asked on a daily basis. But before we hear from Sue, I first want to give you an opportunity to figure out what kind of chance that you have with your ex.
So, if you’re sitting there, you’re listening to this, you have just gone through a break up, you’re heartbroken and going through that tough time and wondering, “Do I even have a chance with my ex? Is this worth even trying to get him back?””
One of the smartest things that you can do is hop by our website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery and take our Ex recovery chances quiz. It’s a simple little two minute quiz that can give you a general idea on if you even have a chance with your ex or not. Again, really, really easy to do. It takes two minutes.
All you have to go to is our website exboyfriendrecovery.com and it will prompt you to take that quiz right away.
Basically take the quiz in two minutes and it will give you a real accurate estimate of your chances with your ex. So, you can figure out if you’re wasting time with him or her or not. So, ok, now that that’s out of the way, let’s hear from Sue.
Sue:
Ok, I’ve never had a problem getting an ex to be interested in me again but for some reason I’m having a lot of trouble with this one, my most recent ex, whom 02:26 I was together with for four years. I tried talking to him about mutual interests like cars, or sports, just anything I know that we share interest in.
So, I wanted to know if there is anything else that I can do because I don’t seem to be lighting that fire to spark his interest in me again.
Chris:
Thanks for recording that Sue.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIf you don’t know Sue is actually really kind of having a very common question that I get asked here every single day which is “How can I get my ex to be interested in a conversation with me? How can we create that spark, that fire, that’s really going to make him excited and kind of set the foundation for falling back in love?”
So, just in case you’re wondering or just for whatever reason you couldn’t hear Sue, I’m going to do a quick recap of her situation. And then what I’d like to do is talk about the number 1 tip that I can tell you to help you understand how you can attract your ex boyfriend and get him engaged into conversations with you.
Yes, it’s my number 1 tip and ironically, it’s the only thing I think I’m going to be talking about today on this podcast episode because it’s that important and it might take a little while to help you understand what I mean by it.
Ok, Sue is kind of an interesting case. She says she’s never had a problem getting an ex back before or getting an ex to become interested in her again but she’s having a problem now with this particular ex and she’s trying to figure out what she can do to hold his interest. That was basically her question.
What can I do to make him interested in me? Now, it’s really interesting, I’ve done multiple videos on Youtube about making your ex interested in you again.
I have done articles on making your ex interested in you again and those articles are really, really great; articles, Youtube videos, everything. In fact if you want to read those articles and if you want to watch those videos, I suggest you pop by our website and come to this particular episode of the podcast and I will link those things up in the show notes and in fact, just so I don’t forget, I’m going to write those down .
So, article interest and video interest. Ok, so I had that written down now and I will ensure that immediately after I record this episode, I’ll type in the show notes so, that I don’t forget to include those things. Now, the interesting thing about when I wrote those articles and when I recorded those videos is that I learn as I go along right?
So, if you’re to take me when I first created Ex boyfriend recovery back in 2012 and you’re to take that version of me and pit him up against my current version and everything that I know about getting an ex back, the current version would be far superior. I’ve learned so much more just by dealing with clients and seeing many different kind of situation on what works and what doesn’t work.
And so, the articles that I’ve written on making your ex interested in you again or catching his interest or creating that spark, don’t include probably the number 1 factor I’ve learned that matters to an ex when you’re talking to them and it’s interesting, it’ something that I’ve learned with working with people 1 on 1.
I get so much more on working with someone 1 on 1 than I do just answering a simple comment for example, or a simple email because I can actually hear in their voice how much it’s hurting them. I can literally understand more about their situation because guess what, if I have a question, I can ask them right there and then.
Alright so, what is this all being number 1 factor for making your ex interested in you again?
Well, I want you to repeat the following phrase after me.
“What’s in it for him?”
Yes, that’s right. Human beings, we tend to be very selfish creatures. I often talk about getting an ex to commit to you is based on the interdependence theory. So, the interdependence theory posits that human beings, we base our relationships on a constant benefit scenario. We’re always looking to make sure that the odds are the greatest for us.
That we’re putting ourselves in the best situation possible. Now, obviously, those odds, they’re ever changing. What you felt for your ex or what he felt for you at the beginning of the relationship maybe is no longer the case at the end of the relationship but at the beginning of the relationship he’s always trying to do something where he feels like you’re going to benefit him. So, anytime that you’re talking to him, you need to be asking,
“Well, how does this conversation benefit him? What is he going to get out of this conversation? What is he going to get out of this text message? What is he going to get out of this phone call? What is he going to get out of this date?”
If you can’t come up with a compelling reason, or a compelling thing that he’s going to get out of a date for example or a phone call or a text message, you’ll find his interest start to waiver. Now, this is really, really interesting when you start pairing it with what you know about your ex.
I’ll give you an example. Let’s pretend that your ex is really into reading science fiction books. So, I am a pretty big science fiction nerd when it comes to books. Le’t s say your ex is just like me and he’s a science fiction nerd. So, you’re taking something that you know interests him, something that you know will benefit him. And let’s say you compose a text and a text is,
“You are not going to believe what I just saw at Barnes and Noble.”
So, he decides to bite.
“Ok, what did you see?”
“I just saw that Pierce Brown-“
Who is a science fiction author who just came out with a book this year, in case you are wondering.
“–is doing a reading and a signing and a q&a session. You totally have to check that out.”
Ok, now do you see why this would be beneficial for him? He’s a huge Pierce Brown fan. He’s a huge science fiction fan and if you’re the one to deliver that information it’s going to spark up a conversation and allow you to get him to be interested in you. Now, what is he getting out of the conversation?
Well, he’s getting information that he didn’t have before. The information interests him and he’s also attaching those feel good things- the sort of misattribution of emotions. You put someone in an environment where they start feeling things, they’re more likely to attach those things onto that thing.
Let’s talk about misattribution of emotions for a minute. What we have here is a situation where you are composing a text message and telling him that his favorite author is doing a reading and a signing at a local Barnes and Noble that you both frequent.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSo, the misattribution of emotions states that if you put someone in an environment where they are bound to feel emotional things whether it be bad or good, they’re going to attach those things on what makes the most logical sense. So, they’ve done studies where they actually put people–it’s a kind of an interesting study in case you didn’t know this.
They had two groups of people. They had a woman stand at the edge of a bridge and the bridge was just basically over like 5000 foot cliffs or something like that–maybe not 5000 feet but you know, 500 ft cliffs or something crazy like that. So, you’d fall to your death if you are going on a rickety bridge if you will.
They had two groups of people and they had a woman standing at the edge of each bridge. It was the same woman for both bridge. What they did was one bridge was sturdy. There was practically no chance that it was ever going to fall. What they were measuring was to see if the men who crossed the bridge would ask for the girl’s number. They found roughly around like 20% or something like that asked for the girl’s number.
And then they had a second group of people but they had them walk on a rickety, creaky bridge that looked like it could fall at any minute and you’d fall to your death. And so after the men got to the end of the bridge, guess what? It’s like 75 or 80% of them asked for the girl’s number.
They started doing tests like this where they would put people in situations that made them emotional and they found that they often times, they attach those emotions onto the person that they’re with or the person that they’re romantically linked to.
So, what we have here is a situation where you’re telling him something that will make him feel something, make him feel what he feels when he reads those books; excitement, and he can attach those emotions onto you. It’s a very subconscious type of a thing.
If you really want to hammer home the misattribution of emotions and you’re sort of like, “Ok, well I kind of get that and I understand that logically but I don’t feel that that’s true.” Well, take for a minute and consider for a minute when you watch a music video or I think nerdy people call them AMVs, like Game of Thrones show or something and they kind of like partner it with music. The music will make you feel something. Hearing music makes you emotional.
Now, can you imagine watching some sort of music video without the music? You’re not going to attach any emotions to it. You’re just going to be like what the heck is this? But you add music into the equation, all of a sudden you start feeling this things, you start attaching what you’re feeling onto the images that you’re watching. I mean you can even distill this down to movies.
One movie that comes to mind is the movie called Interstellar by Christopher Nolan. Now, this movie is really incredible because it is again a science fiction movie but what’s really incredible to me about it is that throughout the entire movie from start to finish music plays.
There’s never a moment where I don’t think music plays at all. It’s playing throughout the entire movie. Sometimes it’s real loud and exciting type of music and then it kind of goes down and there’s like hardly any music at all but you could just barely something in the background. And I think that’s a conscious decision on Christopher Nolan, the director’s choice, to ensure that you start attaching emotions to this characters and for me–now that movie is very confusing for people who can’t really understand science fiction or time loops or worm holes or really complicated sort of string theory type stuff–which again I don’t understand. I’m not sitting here saying I’m smarter than you. I’m not.
I’m just as normal as the rest –the next guy but what I’m saying is the movie really works for me because of the music. I literally will sometimes work with that music in the background because of the emotions that makes me feel and the excitement and the sort of the epicness of it. All I’m saying is that if you want to interest your ex, make sure you can sort of use this misattribution of emotion and idea and couple it with the what’s in it for him type of mentality.
So, if you’re always thinking what’s in it for him. He has to get something out of this conversation. Then, what is he going to get out of this conversation? He’s going to laugh. And then he’s going to attach those emotions onto you. I mean that’s the idea. That’s the way that this probably should work synergistic-ally.
Does it always work out that way? Is it always as clean as when I go on this podcasts and give this in depth answers? No. It’s not. Sometimes it’s really difficult to get an ex who doesn’t want to cooperate engage with you but I think a lot of times exes who don’t want to cooperate, they feel like they’re not going to get anything out of talking to you. They feel like nothing’s in it for them. So, what you have to do is really create a compelling list that matters to him.
So, if you’re for example I can only–really use myself as a really great example because I know myself better than anyone. So, if you’re trying to think of a way to text me, there’s certain topics that you should talk about with me. Topics that I’ll always perk up on and become interested in. Reading, any book series I’m reading or you expressing interest in the book series that I’m reading that I’m actually enjoying, I’ll probably tell you about it. Talking to my about business, my business, this Ex boyfriend recovery thing, I do it for a living.
I love doing it for a living. Talking to me about it will get a response. Why? Because something’s in it for me. I get to kind of brag about myself. I get to brag about the business. I get to strategize with the person I’m potentially talking to. I love talking about this stuff. Buffy, the vampire slayer, every one knows I’m a huge nerd for that show. So, if you like one minute geek out and like say, “Oh my god! Remember that episode when Xander got cloned?” I’ll be like, “Oh, yeah! He’s like an actual twin in real life!” I’ll really get into stuff like that but what I’m saying is, I’ll probably only respond to you when I feel like there’s something in it for me. A lot of times also it can be sex.
If you’re talking to your ex boyfriend and he turns sort of, whatever, casual, flirting you’re doing into a more sexual type flirting. Well, it’s because he thinks is in it for him is sex and that’s what he’s hoping to get out of it. Let’s make no qualms if ands or buts about it.
That’s what’s happening. It’s important for you to understand Sue that if you can really come in with this with the mentality of every single time that I contact him, I am going to actually have some sort of causality chain, some cause and effect chain where I can figure out,”Ok, here’s his mindset, here’s what he’s going to get out of it. This is the end result that I’m wanting to have from this conversation. If you can do that at the beginning of every conversation, it’s going to pay dividends like you wouldn’t believe.
Alright. So, that’s going to do it for this episode of The Exboyfriend Recovery podcast. Again, before we end this, I want to tell you, if you’re kind of on the fence about getting your ex back or if you want to know what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back, I highly recommend you stop by our website: exboyfriendrecovery.com and take our ex recovery chance quiz. It’s a super simple, 2 minute little quiz I put together that’s going to give you a really good idea on if you even have a chance with your ex or not.
We based our questions and the things that we’re going to ask you on real results with real people. So, it should give you a really good general idea on if you have a chance to get him/her back or not.
Alright guys, that’s going to do it for this episode of The ex boyfriend recovery podcast. As always it’s a pleasure. I’ll see you next time.
Lauren Taylor
January 30, 2019 at 2:43 am
Okay so my ex has his lost feelings for me how do you get that connection and how do you know if you’re making any progress?
Chris Seiter
January 31, 2019 at 1:35 am
Its best not to measure progress in terms of days or even weeks. Sometimes this process can take a good while and anyway, “progress” is a relative term. I think of progress in terms of you finding yourself…healing in those ares that are hurt…growing in those areas that need to lift up.
Cassie
August 4, 2018 at 12:29 pm
I’m having a really rough time right now because I feel like I’ve done everything you’re not supposed to do and now I’m afraid I’ve hit the point of no return. My ex and I were together for about 6 or 7 months, but things with him and I moved really fast, and got pretty intense. Within about a month of us dating, there were some financial issues and he had a hard time dealing with my anxiety. Then some trust issues got mixed in, I moved, and that was stressful due to the financial issues, and then 3 days after I moved his father passed away unexpectedly. (when I say things moved really fast and got intense quickly, for example, I got so close with his family they put my name in the obituary for his dad). After all of this happened there were a lot of trust issues on his end, and we lack communication huge. Whenever an argument would arise and “fight or flight” instinct would kick in, I’d choose fight and he’d choose flight. He is very stubborn and doesn’t like to talk about anything. We ended up breaking up in May due to the trust issues, and a few days later we got back together. He had sent me a massive text saying “I’m in this for the long haul, I want to build a life with you, just be an open book with me”. Well after we got back together, it was clear he never forgave me for the trust issues because if we ever argued after that, it would get thrown in my face. The next month or two was pretty bad with arguing literally every day about anything and everything, and then one day, while we were on vacation, he just snapped at me during a fight and said “you and I are done”. We were still stuck together for 3 days on the trip (including a 13 hour drive home), and he wanted next to nothing to do with me. I begged and pleaded and he wanted none of it. I panicked and immediately reached out to people he knew, hoping I could get some insight (his friends girlfriends, and his sister in law), which all got back to him and he was livid. He went from telling his sister in law that he thinks down the road we will work it out, we just need some space and time, and to grow.. to 3 weeks later hating my guts, saying it’s never gonna happen. I need to move on. (This happened when I went silent for 2 weeks). I did my freak out of blowing up his phone, begging and pleading and he ended up blocking my number. I messages him on Facebook about a week and a half later, and He said in the time apart he realized he’s so much happier without me and that he’s no longer got feelings or attraction towards me. However we have not seen each other since the breakup first week of July.
My question is, have I pushed him too far? Is he just angry or is he really over me? Am I able to use your program and get him back EVEN IF he’s really adamant that he’s not coming back and he’s done for good?
Chris Seiter
August 5, 2018 at 2:38 am
Hi Cassie!
Yep…lots of guys can be stubborn to a fault. And of course, blowing up his phone is not a smart move, but learn from that and look forward. Best to just allow alot of space to fill in so both side can get more emotionally balanced. It’s best to have a solid ex recovery plan so you know how to best optimize the things you can control. Visit my home page for a lot of tools and resources you can tap into.
Samantha
April 5, 2018 at 2:57 pm
Hello thank you for the wonderful advice. I fear my situation may be hard to repair.
Ex Boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. I was going through some personal issues due to finance and mental health and I pushed him away. I tried no contact but failed (I work with him).
We have been in regular contact and have seen each other about 5 times since the split (I feel this is mostly sexual). One of the nights he stayed over. However we have also argued during this time but resolve it pretty quick but nonetheless horrible things were said. I have asked him whether his motivations are purely sexual and he denies it. I’m not sure whether to believe this or not.
I have two problems- the first is that I am always initiating conversation. The second is that I am keen to start NC however is it too late? I am supposed to be seeing him Monday and was considering having a wonderful time with him then start NC to show what he is missing. It’s hard to tell how he feels (has displayed jealousy a few times) but he is someone who can detach himself away from emotions.
What do you suggest I do?
Thank you.
Chris Seiter
April 6, 2018 at 12:03 am
So, lets tackle the initiating conversation first.
Are you ending conversations first consistently?
Samantha Cronin
April 6, 2018 at 9:27 am
No which is the issue! What do you suggest I do in regards to seeing him Monday?
Chris Seiter
April 7, 2018 at 4:48 am
Okie doke!
In every conversation there is a point where you’ll not want to end the conversation because you are enjoying it. Once you literally find that point… guess what. It’s time to end the conversation.
Tamy
March 7, 2018 at 11:31 am
Hey Amor! So my situation is a bit sticky. We had a good bonding for 6 months and he really loved me, he would hold my hands, while he drove, under the table when we were wiith friends etc. The chemistry was perfect. But i hurt him because i was confused about my future with him, and my previous ex at that time had reachd out to me and I got all confused cause my future with my ex was more possible than with him. I was scared to be frank, but I didn’t stop loving him one bit. After a while I noticed he started growing distant and then when I confronted him he said he lost his feelings and we don’t have a future together, that he still cares but it just won’t work out and i should move on. He even told his friends he doesn’t have feelings anymore and doesn’t know what to do!
Unfortunately i begged and pleaded and also tried to stick around for a whole month and half to make him ‘realize I’m worth it’, and I now realize it pushed him away even more. Now im in my 3rd week of no contact which i initiated by informing him kindly I can’t be friend’s and that i wish him all the best. I still really want him back and want to reignite the strong feelings he once had for me but I’m doubting myself. Do i still have a chance, Amor? Also, can i re-attract him by hanging out with our mutual friends?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 11, 2018 at 8:33 am
Hi Tamy,
Depends if you really changed.. You can hang out with mutual friends but avoid talking about him or your feelings or that you’re trying to get him bacm
Mouse
February 13, 2018 at 9:34 pm
Hey. I was dating a guy for a year. It was a long distance relationship. We are now just friends for 1,5 years but i still miss him. We are texting eachother in a more than just friend way. He always said that he has no girlfriend. But now i saw that he has a girlfriend for 2 years!!! He was cheating on me and i would say that he was cheating on her (with me, cuz we were texting, sending kisses etc.) She doesnt know about me. He said that he didnt told me, cuz i mean a lot to him and he didnt want to loose me. We had a fight.
Do you think that he still loves me? Do you think that i still have a chance to get him back?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 18, 2018 at 1:31 pm
Frankly, if he really loves you he will make it right instead of making you his side girl..
Mimi
February 13, 2018 at 9:33 pm
Hey. I was dating a guy for a year. It was a long distance relationship. We are now just friends for 1,5 years but i still miss him. We are texting eachother in a more than just friend way. He always said that he has no girlfriend. But now i saw that he has a girlfriend for 2 years!!! He was cheating on me and i would say that he was cheating on her (with me, cuz we were texting, sending kisses etc.) She doesnt know about me. He said that he didnt told me, cuz i mean a lot to him and he didnt want to loose me. We had a fight.
Do you think that he still loves me? Do you think that i still have a chance to get him back?
P. B
February 10, 2018 at 1:28 am
I’ve ruined everything. I waa having an awful night and…he texted me. And…I didn’t wait too much to respond. Just a few minutes. For his texts I thought he wanted to talk, he asked many things in four texts, it would have been the entry for a conversation. So I answered. Big mistake. He didn’t respond. Now I have ruined everything. I never responded so fast, but tonight I was having the worst time. And I ruined everything. I didn’t act too interested or warm, but I texted back fast, so I lost all my chances
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 15, 2018 at 12:29 pm
I don’t agree with confessing your feelings because that just confirms you’re chasing.. and by the looks of it, he’s not interested right now. It’s less likely that he will reciprocate your feelings if he doesn’t even want to see you in the first place.
P.B
February 9, 2018 at 7:56 pm
Thank you Amor and sorry for the long post following.
I don’t know if he is with another girl, I always believe that and until now I was always wrong but…what if this time he is?
The thing is…my therapist and I agreed that I should tell him how I feel soon, in a month or so. I’ve been like this a year and she says that not knowing is the worst, this flirting-friends zone, and telling him we could be back together or close the door. I am scared but I agree. But…I don’t want to be like “hey, it’s been two months, hi again, I love you”. I want to have a few light conversations before and if I have to wait until he initiates… During NC he texted on day 30, I can’t know if this time he will text in two weeks or in three months and I can’t wait forever. Before he moved away, a few months ago, I told him some things after he admitted he had missed me (I didn’t beg, I just told him what we could have if we started again and that I believe that we needed a “pause” but not an ending) and he said that we could have that conversation when he was back (he isn’t relocated for work, it is just an “adventure”; for living in another city but he plans to come back…I don’t know when and he may or may not have a date already). He added that he was happy to know that I feel like that. But now I’m going with everything and before doing that, I need to prepare the field, not appearing out of the blue asking him to come back. After NC, in his message he was nice, warm and flirty, the connection is still there, but…I would want to talk a little more before…And that would mean that I should initiate if in a week, for example, he didn’t answer to my response to that text.
One thing more: my therapist thinks that I should tell him all face to face. The problem is that it is impossible to meet, I tried a few times (when we lived in different but near towns and once when I went to his new city). He always said that he wanted (we even talked about what could happen when the moment arrived) but in the last minute he came up with an excuse. Last time, in his new city, he really couldn’t make it for work BUT if he had read my messages before (was one of that times he didn’t read in days) we could have arranged in another way. After I came back he apologised and said that he was ashamed for failing me but… If I try one more time, the risk to something similar happens is high. I don’t know why he is so warm and nice by text and tells me that he want to see me (even in his last text, 10 days ago) and when he has the chance he avoids it. So I don’t know what to do.
Should I start texting him in a week if I hadn’t response to prepare the field and to know if he is dating (not asking him, obviously, but I could feel it for the way of talking to me, I know him). There’s anything I can do apart from keep my social media game up?
ps. Again, his last text, the one on day 30 of NC sad that he has came up with an idea “for us”, watching together by distance our favorte tv show (we did that when we were together, distance and in person) and that he was looking forward to see me. I reply a day later, nice but not too enthusiastic, keeping it cool. I don’t understand why isn’t he even reading me after texting that.
Thank you again and sorry fot the long post
P.B
February 8, 2018 at 10:36 pm
I am obsessing with the thinking of him being with another girl. I didn’t see anything, I use to imagine that things and then be wrong but what if this time is true?
Without texting him until he does I can’t know how do he talks to me, if he has changed anything… But he didn’t reply to my answer to that text… And I “promised” to keep the NC, this time only until he texts (as I told, my NC period ended and he texted on day 30 and I responded the following day, so I completed it).
But now I am scared he may be with another girl and… I don’t know if is my imagination or not. Without talking to him (not about that, obviously) I can’t feel anything, if he stops flirting with me or anything… But he didn’t even open my response (he never does until e is willing to respond, cann be a week or ten minutes, it depends). I don’t know what to do
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 9, 2018 at 11:30 am
I agree with your therapist.. You can’t stop him from dating, so the best you can do is to be a good competition.. He’s probably going to tell her about you if she asks about his exes.. so, just keep on being active in social media..
adi
February 8, 2018 at 7:22 am
i was in relationship with a guy for 1 year actually we were bestfriends since 2015 nd we came into relation on 14th jan 2017 .. thungs were quite smooth …bt bcoz of some involement of our common frnds fights began he thought i was dominating so i started listening to him to avoid fights bt on small small issues we used to fight like cats nd dog for no reason we both used fight daily there wasn’t even a single day went we haven’t ruined each other’s mind nd on 2nd oct he brokeup with me bt by crying nd begging he stopped thn again on 7th oct we had a brkup bt this time we didn’t stopped talking we didn’t had that tag of relationship our fights were less we were enjoying each other’s company …bt on 19th dec we had a breakup on 20th he came to my house as i wasn’t feeling well as a bstfrnd he came bt again started crying nd asked him to stay he did listened to me nd he stayed on 21st on my bday we were back together bt on 31st dec we both were not good bcoz of the mood nd at night around 1:30 am we had a devastating breakup nd he was the one who did that breakup nd he said i can’t handle you again nd no matter whatever happens i dnt wnt to see your face nd even i dnt want to talk to uh …we didn’t talked for 5 days nd i was the one who always contacted him …finally on 19 th jan he said i dnt want to see your face jst leave me …nd all i did was blocked him nd didn’t contaced him for 4 days nd after 4 days he tried to conact me nd we had short n simple chat we didn’t talked about our brkup on that day we continued talking he was the one starting conversation nd he also asked can we stay awake whole night we can be bstfrnds again coz i dnt wnt to lose my bstfrnd nd we had face time bt on 5th feb he acted as a stranger in school nd from thn n now he is being rude nd he said if u dnt want to talk no prblm if u want to talk no prblm ….idk what should i do i want him back as my bf …pls let me knw
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 9, 2018 at 12:07 pm
Hi Adi,
You can follow the nc rule on this one:
EBR 009: The No Contact Rule If You Work With Your Ex
P.B
February 7, 2018 at 5:36 pm
No, he didn’t reply. A week has passed.
I’m in therapy since several months and my psychologist, who recommended me NC too, said that he is the comfort zone with me chasing (last months, in summer we had a good balance initiating texts, he even initiates more times) and with NC I took it out if that, forcing him to initiate. She says that I should keep not texting first, susprising him not chasing. He posted some status in social media which should make me text him but I resisted. It’s hard waiting but… I’m not contacting until he answers. I will keep my social media game (I’m good at it) and wait. My psychologist says that NC worked since he texted and said that things (that he had an idea “for us” and was looking forward to seeing me), and that I shouldn’t be fearing that he may forget me because “if he were to forget you, he would already done that”.
I’m always scared that he could meet another girl.
But…I’m going to resist. Not texting until he does and trying to improve my UG image.
What do you think? Is my plan suitable? Why would he text me and said that things and not reading my answer?
Thank you a lot
Mar
February 6, 2018 at 8:18 pm
I am an outgoing 27 professional that was pretty wild back in college (I had a drug problem intertwined with a toxic relationship), but I have since pulled myself together/settled down the last few years and grown tremendously. On 2/14/16 I met and dated Bob, who had everything I could ever want in a partner and husband. We connected on all cylinders and he loved me for me, knowing everything about me. He is a farmer for his family (who I adored) and lives in a small town about 2 hours away from me and he had a beautiful life, but was ready to settle down as hes a few years older. I also discovered I had a serious health problem a month into dating, and he was accepting and wanted to take care of me. Although with him I would have been very financially secure, at the time (25) I was not ready to settle down and didn’t have a “real” job with my own money, so it seemed that if I stayed with him I wouldn’t ever have to depend on myself and I would be moving from one nest (my parents) to another. Therefore, always wondering “what if”- professionally and in love. I thought I needed to grow up on my own before I could continue.
To be perfectly honest, he wasn’t well endowed, and although I was still satisfied- I worried about that being an issue later down the road for both of us. I mean I’m going to have children one day and I worried what if we aren’t sexually satisfied with each other? Anyways, I cheated on him with Ryan who lives in my town and wasn’t aware of my long distance bf. Although no one found out, I of course felt guilty and clearly was not ready for a serious committed relationship that would lead to marriage. So to be fair I broke up with Bob (to him it seemed out of no where) only 6 months in, saying I needed time and space because I wasn’t happy with myself, and that it wasn’t fair to him. This absolutely shattered his heart as he said he had never felt this way about anyone. We met up about a month after breaking up for a drink to talk, and I explained to him that although I love him, I needed to work on myself first in order for us to ever work in the future. We kissed and I didn’t let it go further. I hoped we would run into each other (our favorite concerts, golf tournaments etc) but it never happened. I reached out saying can we meet up one day and he said yes but never finding an actual time. So I tried to move on.
I spent the last year and a half working a great job, traveling, dating, making new friends and reconnecting with old. I completely cleared up my health issue and have all around been trying to enrich my life and self to reach my full potential. But I have thought about him every single day, if not all day, every day. I have been on plenty of dates and gone out of my way to give people a chance I wouldn’t have previously. I have even tried to be in a relationship (with Ryan, we have no secrets and have the best sex of my life, but I don’t love him so I broke that off). I am not excited by anyone I meet, and also realize that I also have some baggage that my future husband has to be ok with. So I am still just obsessed with Bob, for the past year and a half. He watches my snap stories and likes my instagrams and I just cant let go. Nor do I want to. I know what I want in a partner in terms of backgrounds, friendship, attraction and I wont lower my standards but I am worried I wont ever find a perfect match that I loved as much as him, and instead I’ll be single forever or until I choose to be with someone for logical reasons.
The worst part is, its hard to know he hasn’t found anyone else either and that hes so close and we are both just miserable separately. At least if he was dating someone I could know there isnt still a chance, but I am just torturing myself every day knowing that I had my perfect man and I was too childish to see it. I debate de-tagging myself from pictures because it looks like I am on date etc and I know he looks at my Social media but I want him to know that he is all I could ever want- even still. I understand he may never be able to love me since I broke his heart, and his family and friends probably hate me but is it possible? Can I reach out to him again and just tell him how I still love him on the phone? Or would it only be possible if we ran into each other organically? We both haven’t moved on (from what I can tell from cyber stalking and mutual friends) but he wont make an effort to see me/ talk even though I’ve reached out multiple times. I feel (know) he still loves me but pride is holding him back. Is it possible to get closure from this or will he always be the one who got away. Also, the fact that its been years and I am wiser and still constantly thinking about him worries me because what if this never ends? Of course I don’t want to look desperate or that I want him for the wrong reasons (money, loneliness, no one else accepting me) but I also don’t care about my pride if it shows how much I still love him. I am meditating, I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve planned a fabulous trip to South Africa coming up with my BFF- I do everything I can be to be pro active in my life and my thoughts but I am still so stuck.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 7, 2018 at 11:51 am
Hi Mar,
check this one:
Getting An Ex Boyfriend Back After Years Apart
Carolyn
February 2, 2018 at 9:14 pm
Ex keeps contacting me out of the blue, testing the waters, giving me mixed signals. I try not to engage, my answears are neutral and aloof. He told me he contacts me because he likes me as a friend. I told him it’s not healthy, I dont buy BS about friendship and that I want him to stop texting. He said he respects my decision. 5 days later he contacts me again!! Should I go no contact and stop responding?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 7, 2018 at 12:40 pm
Hi Carolyn,
Yes you should.
P.B
February 2, 2018 at 6:39 pm
As I told before, I ended NC, he just texted me on day 30. I waited almost 24h until I opended the text and answered. In his text he started joking about texting me, like “yeah, it’s a text from me, for real” and then he said that he was thinking about an idea which he had “for us”: watching our favorite tv show “together” at distance but almost at the same time. He added that he thought that knowing that he had been thinking about that and about me could make me smile. Furthermore, he told me that we was looking forward to see me.
So I responded after almost a day, interested but not too much, like “oh, that’s not a bad idea, it could work” and things like that.
But he didn’t text back. Two days have passed. He didn’t read it (he never lefts me “seen” but sometimes he answered in minutes or hours and another times he waited days, and he didn’t read it until he was willing to text back).
I am worrying again, thinking that he could have met another girl or starting to date or… I don’t know. I’m scared, very scared.
I don’t know what to do. Before finishing NC I have my idea of the first text, which I told here (the one about my cosplay), which I would send next week, so that idea is still there if I need it. But I am devastated because after sending me that text he didn’t respond anymore when I texted back. I don’t understand anything…
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 7, 2018 at 12:34 pm
has he replied by now?
P.B
February 2, 2018 at 6:39 pm
As I told before, I ended NC, he just texted me on day 30. I waited almost 24h until I opended the text and answered. In his text he started joking about texting me, like “yeah, it’s a text from me, for real” and then he said that he was thinking about an idea which he had “for us”: watching our favorite tv show “together” at distance but almost at the same time. He added that he thought that knowing that he had been thinking about that and about me could make me smile. Furthermore, he told me that we was looking forward to see me.
So I responded after almost a day, interested but not too much, like “oh, that’s not a bad idea, it could work” and things like that.
But he didn’t text back. Two days have passed. He didn’t read it (he never lefts me “seen” but sometimes he answered in minutes or hours and another times he waited days, and he didn’t read it until he was willing to text back).
I am worrying again, thinking that he could have met another girl or starting to date or… I don’t know. I’m scared, very scared.
I don’t know what to do. Before finishing NC I have my idea of the first text, which I told here (the one about my cosplay), which I would send next week, so that idea is still there if I need it. But I am devastated because after sending me that text he didn’t respond anymore when I texted back. I don’t understand anything…
P.B
February 2, 2018 at 6:39 pm
As I told before, I ended NC, he just texted me on day 30. I waited almost 24h until I opended the text and answered. In his text he started joking about texting me, like “yeah, it’s a text from me, for real” and then he said that he was thinking about an idea which he had “for us”: watching our favorite tv show “together” at distance but almost at the same time. He added that he thought that knowing that he had been thinking about that and about me could make me smile. Furthermore, he told me that we was looking forward to see me.
So I responded after almost a day, interested but not too much, like “oh, that’s not a bad idea, it could work” and things like that.
But he didn’t text back. Two days have passed. He didn’t read it (he never lefts me “seen” but sometimes he answered in minutes or hours and another times he waited days, and he didn’t read it until he was willing to text back).
I am worrying again, thinking that he could have met another girl or starting to date or… I don’t know. I’m scared, very scared.
I don’t know what to do. Before finishing NC I have my idea of the first text, which I told here (the one about my cosplay), which I would send next week, so that idea is still there if I need it. But I am devastated because after sending me that text he didn’t respond anymore when I texted back. I don’t understand anything…
Lo
February 2, 2018 at 4:40 pm
Hi,
I’m panicking my ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago.We were dating for a year an half but together for 7 months. He broke up with me because my ex kept contacting me an I would tell him about it. Well this 4th time when it happened my ex broke up with me an said he could not deal with it an cut me off. He unfriended me from everything on social media. I’m so upset because this was one of the beat relationships I’ve ever had an he agreed was the same for him.. We were talking about marriage an even moving in together this year. We looked at homes an looked at wedding venues. I did the NC an decided to reach out 2 weeks ago an he doesn’t want anything to do with me! I need your help!! I want my ex back!!
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 7, 2018 at 12:26 pm
Hi Lo,
when your ex contacts you, do you talk to him? What was the first contact message you sent after two weeks?
Nastya
January 31, 2018 at 11:24 pm
Hello,Amor!
My question was about what to do if you stuck in the texting phase and your ex refuse to talk. In the long letter below I explained what exactly happened and how I tried. You asked when did he break up. Last time 5 months ago (it was not our first breakup). After that all October I did No Contact 35 days. Then texting November . Then December No Contact 25 days maybe, and till now we have been texting.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 7, 2018 at 11:28 am
I had to know how long you have been trying to get him back. He’s probably not entertaining talking to you because he doesn’t find practicing language interesting for him.. It sounds like doing work. And you also got angry. I understand it’s frustrating but it’s not his responsibility to talk to you because you’re not together anymore. You being angry just reminds him why he should stay away from you. Honestly, you have a very slim chance by now. You can’t keep doing full nc, but you have to avoid getting angry and you have to think of interesting topics for him, not for you.
P.B
January 31, 2018 at 10:30 am
Thanks for the answer. He texted yesterday, day 30 of NC. I didn’t opened it yet, I’m waiting a few more hours (when we were texting and suddently he stopped answering for days, I didn’t want to get in a quarrell like “you waited three days, I’m waiting six” but I always waited a few hours unless he was answering at the moment. So this time, a few more hours than usual).
I can only read the start of the last message he sent, and he is being a little flirty, I think. So I will follow your advice, I’m going to flirt but not from the first text, I’m going to be veeery subtle at first, step by step. Making him chase. It’s fine?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 31, 2018 at 6:08 pm
Yup! That’s actually what should happen, he should chase.
Nastya
January 30, 2018 at 7:55 pm
Hello!
I’m already quite desperate. It was going pretty well during texting phase, but when it came to phone calls it seemed to be almost improssible for me to have a conversation with my ex. I followed your website articles and book recommendations. Did one no contact, then we texted for a month after that we argued. Because he started to tease me, and told all the time that he was waiting for a new gf in his life. I got offended and unfollowed him on social network (even after breakup we didn’t do this). Then I did 2nd no contact, and initiated texting again. He was already less excited about it, more
lazy. But still could write me first “good night” or send some private pictures like his skin problems, or already healthy selfie, even family photos. And after 3 weeks of almost every day texting I decided to try initiate phone call. I knew it could be a problem. That’s why I came up with the idea. I have to tell you, that English is not native language for both of us, but it’s the medium of our communication. But I started to study his native language (at the very beggining level). And my ex has quite bad knowledge of English grammar. So I offered him to practice with each other , by phone, we are living in different countries. I was supposed to give him 20min English grammar lessons, and he 20min lesson of his language back for me. I offered this in a playful manner. He agreed, and seemed to be happy about it. But every time I was trying to arrange the lesson he told “tomorrow maybe, we will see”. He doesn’t work at the moment, and it sounded rediculous. Because when I asked like “what about today?” he was telling that he was busy playing playstation/ sitting in the cafe (since Monday morning till evening) and such kind of excuses. I realised that he really doesn’t want to talk to me. And once he did very bad thing. I asked him the day when we were supposed to start (at 2 p.m.) about the lesson, and he replied “I have to have breakfast first”, and I was waiting for 1,5 hour, then called him and he just wrote that somebody is repairing something at his house, that he was busy. He knew that I was waiting for him and told me this only when I called! And I wrote him lots of very angry messages. He didn’t tell a word of apology. Didn’t tell a word at all/ Couple of days later I called him, he immidiately replied me “Hello” in messanger, wrote that he was sick. Then 2 days I couldn’t reach him out. Yesterday he wrote that he had a car accident right that day when he had repairs around the house. And that he was in the hospital. But that he was already fine. And at home.So it means that he was busy to write me after canceled lesson because he was going out with a friend. It seems that he doesn’t respect me at all. Or how else I can explain it? He is texting me, but not a lot, and when I wrote him that I really needed to talk a bit about his accident, and about that unpleasant situation that we had before, he refused. So I tried many times in different ways, but he just told me “What we are supposed to talk about?” And switched off the phone. So I couldn’t have with him neither conversation about studying, nor just usual private talk. I have a feeling that he is afraid that he can feel something to me again. Or maybe just it’s so unpleasant for him to talk to me… I don’t know. Also when he ignored me for a couple of days, I wrote him that if he didn’t reply me till evening I would write his sister. And he wrote me. He was hiding I think the fact that we dated with him from his family. Last year he didn’t hide. But in the summer this year when we started to date agan he hid, and before he visited home he had broken up with me again. And he is 30 , but he has strange relationships with his sister, despite the fact that she’s married. And it seems for me that somobody influenced him a lot , and grew the idea that we are not good couple in his mind. Maybe, or maybe not…it’s just my assumption. How am I supposed to handle this situation when a man afraid to talk? According to my “plan” I was supposed to be at the stage of offering mutual trip by this time.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 31, 2018 at 5:44 pm
Hi Nastya,
when did he break up with, when and how long did you do nc?