Breakups can happen for all kinds of reasons and this can leave your ex-boyfriend feeling very angry with you. Sometimes anger is to be expected however there are occasions when his anger may be unjustified and leaves you feeling confused by his behavior.
Dealing with your ex-boyfriend’s feelings of anger or resentment can be extremely difficult but is an essential component of getting your ex back. Having the right approach to handling your ex’s angry behavior can turn your situation around dramatically.
To help you tackle the situation this article is going to cover the following topics:-
- What causes anger
- The five crimes
- Apology or no apology
- Repairing the damage
What Causes Anger?
Your ex-boyfriend could be angry because of a number of things that may have happened during or after the breakup. Most anger is caused by the gap between the expectations and the reality that actually exists.
If your ex-boyfriend really liked you then it’s fair to say he most likely had high expectations for the relationship and your behavior. Either before or after the breakup he will have experienced something that was at odds with that expectation and it left him feeling disappointed.
Think of it like getting short-changed in a relationship… You were expecting more and someone didn’t give you what you wanted. That sense of disappointment is what makes your ex feel angry with you.
The Five Crimes
There are five big crimes a woman can commit that will leave an ex angry for an extended period of time. Now, obviously, there are other things that can make your ex angry, however the results aren’t generally that long lasting.
Recently, we undertook some research to find out how long people stay angry after a breakup, we wanted to see how long it took for an angry ex to calm down.
What we discovered was that after a breakup an ex will most commonly calm down after about a month. However, we also learned that some individuals stayed angry with their ex’s for several years if they the damage done was extensive.
Patterns appeared in this study that proved there were five big crimes a person could commit that would leave their ex angry after a breakup.
In case you don’t know what Gnatting is, Gnatting is where you text your ex so often after your breakup and beg for them back that you become super annoying…… like a fly or a gnat that won’t go away no matter how much to try to swat it!
A text GNAT is someone who …
Now I know that after a breakup people can Gnat anywhere from a little, ten texts a day for a few days, to a lot. I have also helped girls who have Gnatted and sent 50 texts a day for a few weeks.
Then there are severe cases, like this one…
If you are at the lower end of those estimates then you are in the majority and most ex-boyfriends will forgive your behavior after about a month.
If you are at the more extreme end of Gnatting then it might take a little longer to rebuild some trust with your ex as he will worry that you are about to go crazy again.
Fighting and arguments are the next big reason a person might stay angry with their ex.
During the breakdown of a relationship, it is very normal to have arguments along the way.
Differences of opinion especially can often leave people feeling resentful. If you and your ex fought frequently then your ex is likely to feel as those you do not respect his viewpoint or that in some way you were not supportive.
The duration of your ex-boyfriend’s anger is going to depend on how regularly and with what severity you would argue. If your breakup was just a one-off fight or over something minor then your ex is likely to forgive you in a couple of weeks. If you and your ex had been arguing for months before the breakup then it could take a few months for him to forgive you.
Lying happens all the time….
There are great big whopper lies, and tiny weeny white lies.
In fact, a study showed that on average people tell around 1.5 lies a day!….
Personally, I think little white lies are ok, it’s the big ones that are going to get your ex angry.
So what is it that makes something a big lie?
Well, I think you can reasonably say that a big lie is something that could be considered deceptive, manipulative or that affects someone else.
An example of a little lie might be,
“That tie is cool!”
when it is actually hideous!
An example of a big lie might be”I was not sexting with that guy” When you definitely were flirting!
“I was not sexting with that guy!”
When you know perfectly well that you definitely were flirting!
Lies leave your ex feeling confused and angry because they make him question if you have lied to him before and this will affect his ability to trust you in the future.
On average, our survey showed that respondents recovered from a series of lies within a time frame of three to six months.
Cheating is one of the most common reasons for a breakup.
25% of all relationships suffer from cheating at some point! That’s a very high figure!
As you can imagine if you cheated on your ex then he is going to be pretty angry with you for a quite a while. Depending on whether your cheating was a one off or a full-blown affair will affect the speed of your ex-boyfriends recovery period from his anger, the longer you cheated the stronger and longer those feelings of anger will last.
If you cheated on your ex then he is going to be asking himself all kinds of questions
“Can she be trusted?”
“Would she do it again?”
“How many times has she cheated?”
“What did I do to make her cheat?”
“What does that guy have that I don’t?”
Generally speaking, an ex will stay angry for around a year if you had a lengthy affair. In some cases where an ex cheated multiple times with multiple people, many of the respondents to our survey reported that they stayed angry with their ex for several years.
So, if this is the case, you should certainly learn patience.
Abuse can be physical or mental, and both men and women can be victims of abuse.
Physical abuse can seem more obvious since there is violence, but psychological abuse is just as common. It can range from extreme emotional warfare to being controlling or manipulative behavior.
If you were abusive in any way towards your ex, then he is going to find it extremely difficult to trust again and will probably take a very avoidant approach to handling you. In all cases of abuse, I recommend that individuals seek professional help to deal with their problems to avoid it happening again in the future.
The individuals in our survey stated that if they had been in an abusive relationship with an ex, that they remained angry for several years and in a handful of cases they have never managed to let go of their anger.
Apology or No Apology
Before you rush to apologize to your ex, think about whether you actually need to apologize.
Apologizing when you have done nothing wrong can be unattractive. So, ask yourself whether you did anything that justifies an apology.
Things that are unlikely to require an apology:
- White lies
- Small irregular fights
Things on this first list will always seem more serious in your eyes if he broke up with you. This is because when an ex initiates a breakup you will have a natural tendency to try and explain what has happened. This often means blaming yourself unnecessarily. Under normal circumstances, if your crime is listed here, your period of No Contact will soften your ex boyfriends anger towards you so that an apology is not necessary.
Things that will require an apology:
- Big lies
- Large scale regular fighting
Things on this second list are definitely going to need an apology from you and may stay angry for a considerable time afterward. If you have committed an offense on this list then your ex is going to struggle to trust you again even after you apologize so you will need to pay close attention to the approach I am about to talk about.
Repairing the damage
Getting your ex to forgive you takes time and patience. You can’t expect it to happen overnight, or even over several nights. There is usually a lag period between when you issue an apology to when your ex begins to trust you again, and this is a big precursor to winning your ex back. This can sometimes be days, weeks or months.
To regain your exboyfriend’s trust you are going to have to focus on the four elements of his resistance towards forgiveness
Each one of these four elements can be overcome by using one of the approaches below.
After your breakup, it is very normal for an exboyfriend to feel hurt especially if you have committed one of the five offenses.
Perhaps he is hurt by something you said to him as you were arguing. Perhaps your actions left him wounded or he could be hurt that you cheated on him. These kinds of painful memories can play on a person’s mind for a long time after a breakup and will damage your chances of getting your ex back if left unmanaged.
The best way to handle your ex-boyfriend’s feelings of hurt is to show remorse…. You do this by showing your ex you are truly sorry for what you have done. Accept responsibility for your own actions without excuses, this means leaving any “you drove me to it” mentality behind along with justifications for your actions.
There are plenty of reasons an ex might feel hate towards you.
If you had a normal breakup it has probably been caused by the emotional rollercoaster a person goes through after a breakup. If your breakup happened because you screwed up in a big way then your ex-boyfriend’s self-esteem has probably taken a big hit.
If your ex is showing signs that they hate you then you will need to show restitution going forward. You can do this by trying to make up for damage you have done, if this damage was emotional then you can work towards repairing the damage through positivity and kindness.
If the damage was physical, then I suggest you offer to replace or repair whatever it was you damaged let’s be honest here, I know some of you take your rage out on your ex’s possessions sometimes
After you start talking to your ex you may well find that even though he is replying to your texts, he might be hesitant to open up to you further and it is possible that he will also avoid meeting with you.
This hesitation from your ex comes from a place of fear. He is worried that you haven’t changed, that the relationship will fail again, that you might hurt him again, that you might go crazy again. All kinds of thoughts will be running through his mind that will make him avoid progressing your relationship further.
To help overcome your ex’s hesitations you will need to demonstrate to him that you have changed and that you are a reformed and rehabilitated person. You can do this by making sure you spend your no-contact period constructively to improve your health, wealth, and relationships with others to become the Ungettable Girl.
Transforming into the Ungettable Girl will show your ex that you are a changed person with the qualities he would like to have in a girlfriend. Show your ex that you have changed so dramatically that your old destructive behavior is unlikely to happen again.
No. No. Not that one.
I have to admit, I’m the sort of person that is known to hold grudges so I can talk about this bit from experience.
So why do I hold grudges?
Well, it’s pretty simple.
it’s because I can.
If someone does something I don’t like and it upsets me, then I want them to suffer like I am… It’s a sort of childish payback.
Does holding a grudge make me feel any better?
In fact, it can be exhausting carrying around that level of negativity with you all the time. This means that if your ex is holding a grudge it is unlikely to last forever unless you did something really unspeakable to them.
If you see your exboyfriend holding a grudge against you then the best way forward is to offer a sincere apology and ask for forgiveness AFTER you have shown remorse, restitution, and rehabilitation for at least a month or two.
If you reach a point where you have been asking for forgiveness for six months then I would suggest you stop asking, it is likely that if your ex hasn’t forgiven you that their ego is enjoying seeing you squirm. This is quite rare but it is worth noting just in case.
What It Boils Down To
Getting your ex-boyfriend to forgive you takes time and patience but is possible if you take the right approach. Give your ex space to work through their anger. Give yourself time to ensure that you have tackled each of the four barriers to forgiveness; hurt, hate, hesitation and grudge.
Following these steps will improve your chances of getting your ex to forgive you so that you may progress with winning them back.