Breakups can happen for all kinds of reasons and this can leave your ex-boyfriend feeling very angry with you. Sometimes anger is to be expected however there are occasions when his anger may be unjustified and leaves you feeling confused by his behavior.

Dealing with your ex-boyfriend’s feelings of anger or resentment can be extremely difficult but is an essential component of getting your ex back. Having the right approach to handling your ex’s angry behavior can turn your situation around dramatically.

To help you tackle the situation this article is going to cover the following topics:-

  • What causes anger
  • The five crimes
  • Apology or no apology
  • Repairing the damage

What Causes Anger?

Your ex-boyfriend could be angry because of a number of things that may have happened during or after the breakup. Most anger is caused by the gap between the expectations and the reality that actually exists.

If your ex-boyfriend really liked you then it’s fair to say he most likely had high expectations for the relationship and your behavior. Either before or after the breakup he will have experienced something that was at odds with that expectation and it left him feeling disappointed.

Think of it like getting short-changed in a relationship… You were expecting more and someone didn’t give you what you wanted. That sense of disappointment is what makes your ex feel angry with you.

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The Five Crimes

There are five big crimes a woman can commit that will leave an ex angry for an extended period of time. Now, obviously, there are other things that can make your ex angry, however the results aren’t generally that long lasting.

Recently, we undertook some research to find out how long people stay angry after a breakup, we wanted to see how long it took for an angry ex to calm down.

What we discovered was that after a breakup an ex will most commonly calm down after about a month. However, we also learned that some individuals stayed angry with their ex’s for several years if they the damage done was extensive.

Patterns appeared in this study that proved there were five big crimes a person could commit that would leave their ex angry after a breakup.

  1. Gnatting
  2. Fighting
  3. Lying
  4. Cheating
  5. Abuse

Gnatting

In case you don’t know what Gnatting is, Gnatting is where you text your ex so often after your breakup and beg for them back that you become super annoying…… like a fly or a gnat that won’t go away no matter how much to try to swat it!

A text GNAT is someone who …

GOES

NUTS

AT

TEXTING

Now I know that after a breakup people can Gnat anywhere from a little, ten texts a day for a few days, to a lot. I have also helped girls who have Gnatted and sent 50 texts a day for a few weeks.

Then there are severe cases, like this one…

If you are at the lower end of those estimates then you are in the majority and most ex-boyfriends will forgive your behavior after about a month.

If you are at the more extreme end of Gnatting then it might take a little longer to rebuild some trust with your ex as he will worry that you are about to go crazy again.

Fighting

Fighting and arguments are the next big reason a person might stay angry with their ex.

During the breakdown of a relationship, it is very normal to have arguments along the way.

Differences of opinion especially can often leave people feeling resentful. If you and your ex fought frequently then your ex is likely to feel as those you do not respect his viewpoint or that in some way you were not supportive.

The duration of your ex-boyfriend’s anger is going to depend on how regularly and with what severity you would argue. If your breakup was just a one-off fight or over something minor then your ex is likely to forgive you in a couple of weeks. If you and your ex had been arguing for months before the breakup then it could take a few months for him to forgive you.

Lying

Lying happens all the time….

There are great big whopper lies, and tiny weeny white lies.

In fact, a study showed that on average people tell around 1.5 lies a day!….

Personally, I think little white lies are ok, it’s the big ones that are going to get your ex angry.

So what is it that makes something a big lie?

Well, I think you can reasonably say that a big lie is something that could be considered deceptive, manipulative or that affects someone else.

An example of a little lie might be,

“That tie is cool!”

when it is actually hideous!

An example of a big lie might be”I was not sexting with that guy” When you definitely were flirting!

“I was not sexting with that guy!”

When you know perfectly well that you definitely were flirting!


Lies leave your ex feeling confused and angry because they make him question if you have lied to him before and this will affect his ability to trust you in the future.

On average, our survey showed that respondents recovered from a series of lies within a time frame of three to six months.

Cheating

Cheating is one of the most common reasons for a breakup.

25% of all relationships suffer from cheating at some point! That’s a very high figure!

As you can imagine if you cheated on your ex then he is going to be pretty angry with you for a quite a while. Depending on whether your cheating was a one off or a full-blown affair will affect the speed of your ex-boyfriends recovery period from his anger, the longer you cheated the stronger and longer those feelings of anger will last.

If you cheated on your ex then he is going to be asking himself all kinds of questions

“Can she be trusted?”

“Would she do it again?”

“How many times has she cheated?”

“What did I do to make her cheat?”

“What does that guy have that I don’t?”

Generally speaking, an ex will stay angry for around a year if you had a lengthy affair. In some cases where an ex cheated multiple times with multiple people, many of the respondents to our survey reported that they stayed angry with their ex for several years.

So, if this is the case, you should certainly learn patience.

Abuse

Abuse can be physical or mental, and both men and women can be victims of abuse.

Physical abuse can seem more obvious since there is violence, but psychological abuse is just as common. It can range from extreme emotional warfare to being controlling or manipulative behavior.

If you were abusive in any way towards your ex, then he is going to find it extremely difficult to trust again and will probably take a very avoidant approach to handling you. In all cases of abuse, I recommend that individuals seek professional help to deal with their problems to avoid it happening again in the future.

The individuals in our survey stated that if they had been in an abusive relationship with an ex, that they remained angry for several years and in a handful of cases they have never managed to let go of their anger.

Apology or No Apology

Before you rush to apologize to your ex, think about whether you actually need to apologize.
Apologizing when you have done nothing wrong can be unattractive. So, ask yourself whether you did anything that justifies an apology.
Things that are unlikely to require an apology:

  • Gnatting
  • White lies
  • Small irregular fights

Things on this first list will always seem more serious in your eyes if he broke up with you. This is because when an ex initiates a breakup you will have a natural tendency to try and explain what has happened. This often means blaming yourself unnecessarily. Under normal circumstances, if your crime is listed here, your period of No Contact will soften your ex boyfriends anger towards you so that an apology is not necessary.
Things that will require an apology:

  • Big lies
  • Cheating
  • Large scale regular fighting
  • Abuse

Things on this second list are definitely going to need an apology from you and may stay angry for a considerable time afterward. If you have committed an offense on this list then your ex is going to struggle to trust you again even after you apologize so you will need to pay close attention to the approach I am about to talk about.

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Repairing the damage

Getting your ex to forgive you takes time and patience. You can’t expect it to happen overnight, or even over several nights. There is usually a lag period between when you issue an apology to when your ex begins to trust you again, and this is a big precursor to winning your ex back. This can sometimes be days, weeks or months.
To regain your exboyfriend’s trust you are going to have to focus on the four elements of his resistance towards forgiveness

  • Hurt
  • Hate
  • Hesitation
  • Grudge

Each one of these four elements can be overcome by using one of the approaches below.

Hurt

After your breakup, it is very normal for an exboyfriend to feel hurt especially if you have committed one of the five offenses.

Perhaps he is hurt by something you said to him as you were arguing. Perhaps your actions left him wounded or he could be hurt that you cheated on him. These kinds of painful memories can play on a person’s mind for a long time after a breakup and will damage your chances of getting your ex back if left unmanaged.

The best way to handle your ex-boyfriend’s feelings of hurt is to show remorse…. You do this by showing your ex you are truly sorry for what you have done. Accept responsibility for your own actions without excuses, this means leaving any “you drove me to it” mentality behind along with justifications for your actions.

Hate

There are plenty of reasons an ex might feel hate towards you.

If you had a normal breakup it has probably been caused by the emotional rollercoaster a person goes through after a breakup. If your breakup happened because you screwed up in a big way then your ex-boyfriend’s self-esteem has probably taken a big hit.

If your ex is showing signs that they hate you then you will need to show restitution going forward. You can do this by trying to make up for damage you have done, if this damage was emotional then you can work towards repairing the damage through positivity and kindness.

If the damage was physical, then I suggest you offer to replace or repair whatever it was you damaged let’s be honest here, I know some of you take your rage out on your ex’s possessions sometimes

Hesitation

After you start talking to your ex you may well find that even though he is replying to your texts, he might be hesitant to open up to you further and it is possible that he will also avoid meeting with you.

This hesitation from your ex comes from a place of fear. He is worried that you haven’t changed, that the relationship will fail again, that you might hurt him again, that you might go crazy again. All kinds of thoughts will be running through his mind that will make him avoid progressing your relationship further.

To help overcome your ex’s hesitations you will need to demonstrate to him that you have changed and that you are a reformed and rehabilitated person. You can do this by making sure you spend your no-contact period constructively to improve your health, wealth, and relationships with others to become the Ungettable Girl.

Transforming into the Ungettable Girl will show your ex that you are a changed person with the qualities he would like to have in a girlfriend. Show your ex that you have changed so dramatically that your old destructive behavior is unlikely to happen again.

Grudge

No. No. Not that one.

I have to admit, I’m the sort of person that is known to hold grudges so I can talk about this bit from experience.

So why do I hold grudges?

Well, it’s pretty simple.

it’s because I can.

If someone does something I don’t like and it upsets me, then I want them to suffer like I am… It’s a sort of childish payback.
Does holding a grudge make me feel any better?

Definitely not?

In fact, it can be exhausting carrying around that level of negativity with you all the time. This means that if your ex is holding a grudge it is unlikely to last forever unless you did something really unspeakable to them.
If you see your exboyfriend holding a grudge against you then the best way forward is to offer a sincere apology and ask for forgiveness AFTER you have shown remorse, restitution, and rehabilitation for at least a month or two.

If you reach a point where you have been asking for forgiveness for six months then I would suggest you stop asking, it is likely that if your ex hasn’t forgiven you that their ego is enjoying seeing you squirm. This is quite rare but it is worth noting just in case.

What It Boils Down To

Getting your ex-boyfriend to forgive you takes time and patience but is possible if you take the right approach. Give your ex space to work through their anger. Give yourself time to ensure that you have tackled each of the four barriers to forgiveness; hurt, hate, hesitation and grudge.

Following these steps will improve your chances of getting your ex to forgive you so that you may progress with winning them back.

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54 thoughts on “How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend to Forgive You”

  1. Avatar

    Chy

    February 10, 2020 at 10:00 pm

    My boyfriend took a break from our relationship for 2months because we argue alot and I betrayed his trust by giving a man my phone number. I’ve apologized several times which he blocked me and later unblocked after some weeks. Now, he said we have no issues but he still dont treat me as his girlfriend and he refused to end it too. He kept me hanging nd confused cos I don’t know my stand. What can I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 17, 2020 at 9:53 am

      Chy, I understand that your boyfriend was upset that you gave your number to someone else, but I would not allow him to treat you in limbo. You need to make it clear that you are together, or you are not. If he says to end the relationship then you go directly into a No Contact and do not beg plead or cry that he has ended things as he is being unfair to you

  2. Avatar

    Gabriel

    November 30, 2019 at 3:59 am

    Hi, my boyfriend and me have been together for almost 9 years. He recently left me again. We had been together on and off and finally again after having a surgery he stayed but then decided to leave once he saw me better. He said he will start dating and it got worse because he asked for space but I didn’t give it to him. I feel scared and depressed when I think he might not come back. I’ve been begging and calling a lot and he said now he’s starting to resent me and hate me cause I won’t stop calling and texting.He also threaten to call the police if I won’t leave him alone. I feel so sad and he told me again to please give him space but he also said he never wants to get back. I love him and I want to fix it? I’ve never give him space and I always contact him in 3 weeks maybe in a month buys never for a longer time. Please help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 1, 2019 at 1:10 am

      Hey G, so if you do not give him space then it is really important you do the No Contact rule and stick with it. And it is really important that you learn how to give someone space when they need it and work on being comfortable being by yourself. In your own company. Finish a full 45 days No Contact so that you give your ex the space he has been asking for

  3. Avatar

    Ian Maple

    July 26, 2019 at 5:29 am

    I met my bf on March 31, we live in New York, we had an awesome, great start, everything was fine between us, it seemed that our relationship was gonna be forever.
    As time was passing, our relationship was growing strong, he was falling in love with me as well as I was falling in love with him, he and I are the jealous kind of people therefore, we understand each other very well when it comes to jealousy. I started to fall in love with him sooner than he did for me, as a result I started to become, insecure and needy. He noticed my insecurity and my lack of confidence, one day he wanted to tell me a very important Secret (a Secret that would’ve changed the course of our relationship), but when he asked me whether I was ready to hear his most important Secret of his life I said: “I guess”. I should’ve say: “Yes”.
    Because my answer wasn’t as secure and positive as he expected him to be, he started to fail to commit to our relationship, I lost his trust, every time I asked him to meet up he said: “maybe, maybe not, maybe”. Resulting in a fight between us. The next day I felt guilty about it and I started to apologize to him for the fight we had the night before. We fought many times, because he failure to show up and my neediness to meet him up. Then, the next day it was all over again, another apology, finally he grew tired of my apologies and our meaningless fights, that he started to treat me as a puppet, he lost his respect towards me. he still loved me but he was tired of the same BS in our relationship, he even told me that I didn’t listen him properly, he wanted to be understood, but I was selfish thinking about my own happiness that I forget to make him feel happy and connect with him when he needed me the most.
    Two times during the time being of our relationship he agreed to meet up but since he couldn’t trust me enough to meet, he never showed up to our meetings.
    One day I invited him to a beautiful and romantic dinner on a Saturday night, I prepared everything for our beautiful and romantic dinner, I book a hotel room, I bought a gift for him in appreciation for his return back home to New York after almost a week to being overseas, and I proposed him to take him out to eat at a Five Star Restaurant. We talked about our romantic dinner throughout the week and when the day finally came, I did another mistake that upset him. Therefore, he canceled our meeting that night. (I learned later that he went out that night by himself and met a Japanese guy at a Japanese Lounge in Brooklyn with who he had sex with that night)
    I apologized to him the next day like I always did before but this time went different. He told me that he didn’t like the gift I bought for him.
    The second and most hurtful meeting happened on Friday afternoon, he promised me to meet but he didn’t show up, so that night I wrote him a long text message where I was explaining him that I wanted to meet him up and have sex only and that I didn’t want to have any string attach in our relationship anymore. I did it out of anger and frustration but I never meant it. it was just a foolish act of desperation and neediness.
    We broke up for a week then we got back together but I didn’t change my behavior, he still loved me but his attitude towards me was cold and distant. Then, we sort of broke up again for a few days, it was then when I started to realized that I was doing many things wrong in our relationship. During the time being we were separated (two or three days I guess) I started to make some improvements with myself, while he started to go to the Equinox Gyms in New York and he started to go to the massages Equinox gym offers and go to the Steam Room where he (according to him) started to have fun with guys inside of the Steam Room. I started to listen and to finally have a meaningful conversation with him. We spent hours talking about everything until one day out of desperation to get closer to him and meet him up I forced him to tell me his Secret but it all went wrong. I crossed the line. I pushed him away. I tried to apologize the next day and the following. That day I tried to talk about something else like going out to the Beach in the Hampton’s over the weekend or meeting him up in the Steam Room but he told me that he went to Equinox (Printing House) where he stayed in the Steam Room and had fun with guys inside of it. We fought and I told him that he was lying, that he was telling me this to hurt me back, I pushed him to tell me the truth. He said: “Ok I”m lying” (I don’t know whether he was lying to me about being inside of the Steam Room and having sex or if he was telling me the truth about he being inside of the Steam Room and having sex but he just admitted to lie to me saying: “Ok I’m Lying” so I could stop asking him about it)
    I realized this time he didn’t want an apology but a true change within myself.
    He ended up blocking my phone number on Friday Jul 12.
    I started to read your therapy program and I started the “No Contact Rule” the next day he broke up with me and he blocked my Phone number. Because I want to recover my ex boyfriend and give it another shot to our relationship by making things right this time.
    I got to say that the first week was a hell of a nightmare, but I didn’t give up I continued the NO CONTACT RULE between us.
    This week I started to make some improvements in my life I realized that I was very needy and insecure and that killed our relationship. I started to feel confident and I started to have fun going out with my friends.
    Sadly, today, for some reason out of nowhere, I felt the need to search his phone number in the website and I downloaded an app for my iPhone leading me to an awful finding. I looked for his phone records and location and I found out that today he was in the Zip Code where Equinox Printing House is located. I panicked, I feel very panic, because I don’t know whether he is having sex inside of the Steam Room or not.
    I don’t know what to do, everything I was working for during the “No Contact Rule” to improve myself and to get him back has gone down south.
    I feel very sad, hurtful, and depressed about it, although I haven’t call him nor text him, but looking for his phone records and his GPS location today was a totally and completely mistake, a mistake that turn my life miserably bad.
    What should I do?
    Please give me an advice.

  4. Avatar

    Katie Harshbarger

    April 19, 2019 at 11:01 pm

    I dated a man for a year. He told me that he wanted to see other people. We went to a concert a week later and things got heated on the sexual side. Although we did not hook up I found out he was dating another lady for a week already. So I broke some things in his house. Now what do I do?

  5. Avatar

    NIna

    May 4, 2018 at 1:41 pm

    My ex and I broke up 6 months ago and after 3 months of not talking he tried to get back with me again. I was pretty hesitant and it ended up an on and off thing and during our last “off” period (which was a week) he’s met someone new and has already called her his “girlfriend”. He’s since moved over state and after 3 weeks of being together, she’s moving over too. I’m screaming. I realised during our off period that I do love him and want to be with him. We sent some pretty “intimate” messages to each other while he was seeing this girl and in the heat of the moment I’ve booked a flight over to see him (before this girl decided to move over). I’m 4 days into a 21 day NC and he’s sent me a message saying that maybe we could be together in the future but he’s too hurt to let me into his life right now.
    I’m at a loss. Do I continue the NC in hopes that by the time it’s over he’s healed a bit so I can at least see him while I’m interstate? Do I forgo the NC and talk to him about his pain? Or do I give up completely and wait for him to return?
    I’m feeling like such a fool right now.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 4, 2018 at 3:34 pm

      Hi Nina…don’t feel so bad about yourself. We all intend to do what we think is right for us in those moments. Sometimes we draw closer to our feelings and realize certain things. Life is complicated and so too are our feelings and decisions. What is best is to look forward. You have my ebook, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro, right? (click my website Menu/Products link). Just follow its advice on how to maximize your chances. Yes, I think stick with NC and also focus on your own healing. That is very important. There are many things that you can do, that you can make sure he notices, that will build your value even more in his eyes.

  6. Avatar

    Emma

    February 22, 2018 at 9:04 pm

    My exbf and I are still currently living together. We’ve been together for almost 5 years. In the past year we’ve been fighting alot. We became a toxic couple. He’s been faithful even to this point. Our fights basically started when I became jealous insecure childish over a certain individual.and I continued to bring up the subject. He’s grown tired exhausted cold angry and resentful towards me. He feels I didn’t trust and appreciate him.and his loyalty. We’ve been fighting breaking up since November. He says his feelings have changed doesn’t love me anymore. And I ruined our relationship. He blames me for everything. Even though we are currently not together and coinciding as he says only when we aren’t fighting he’s nice. I definitely see the depth of his anger in our fights. He’s always paid for all the bills and continues to do so. I asked him to stay this month so he could help with the bills. He agreed but supposedly he’s leaving in a week. I love him and he’s said I’m the woman he loved the deepest and hated to the same extent. He also left his 25 year marriage for us. He refuses to remember our loving times what con

  7. Avatar

    Gabrielle

    December 22, 2017 at 10:35 am

    Hello ex boyfriend recovery team! I broke up with my ex about a month ago. It was due to outside influences and not listening to what he was saying which was actually true towards the end of my flip out on him in which I completely regret. Throughout that time, I did say some hurtful things I really regret but I was so emotional. I apologized the next morning but he didn’t respond my text or call. I went cold turkey for a week and tried again. I got worried so I called his mom (were family friends) to see how he was and she told me he was away in which I know the personal reasons why. He checked into a clinic two days later after I dumped him. When I heard that he checked in I put my feelings aside and decided to see him. Which probably according to exbr is a “do not do”… but I did it anyway. I asked some friends if I should do it and they all said “yes, he’s be happy to see you”. So I did. His mom knew I was going and his mother told him I was going as well. She was waiting for me to stop by. As I went to his house he did not want to see me. Let alone, I was the only one he would speak to especially through his tough time dealing with some type of depression after he it everyone out. He has no social media. And when he did I was his only friend on Facebook. He cut everyone, expecilly family out except for me. As I went to his house his mother asked him to come out of his room and he did not. He clearly didn’t want to see me. I suppose it’s because I either dumped him or he’s mad at what I said to him when I was dumping him but I knew that when we were together his face would always light up and was always happy to see me. Heck, he ditched to hang out with his family to hangout with me or ask me to hangout with him and his family. At that point forward I knew I made a mistake. At that time it’s been three weeks after I left him and now a week later, it will be a month. I told his mother if I could write a note just saying I was here for him and that to always remember what I told him, to be the best person he could be. I even put a little memory of one time when we were together. She insisted on me writing him notes since he doesn’t have a phone because they took it away at the clinic (which they basically stole cause they never gave it back) I said I would if it helps obviously I didn’t write anything like “take me back, or i love you” I just wrote it in a friendly tone and supportive. What should I do going forward? Also what could be the possible reasons he doesn’t want to associate with me? Could it be because of how much I was an ass when I broke up with him and the hurtful things I said? Did I hurt my chances greatly?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 26, 2017 at 1:30 am

      Hi Gabrielle,

      If he checked in a clinic, either he prefers not to talk to you to sort out his feelings, he’s still angry, or they advised him not to..

  8. Avatar

    Natalie

    December 2, 2017 at 3:54 pm

    Hi,

    I have been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years. We are in love and want to get married but his mother is not happy about it. He is a mamma’s boy so will not go ahead and marry me until his mother happily approves. So he has been trying to convince her to agree for our marriage. Its been a while and things aren’t moving and I have been losing my patience recently.
    In an argument i got angry and asked him that why is his mother so full of herself and what is all the pride for?!
    He got upset that i spoke like this about his mother. I apologized for saying it in a harsh way but i was only being honest about my feelings. But he didnt accept the apology and is saying that now he will not even try to convince his mother to agree for us. He broke up with me!
    Please suggest what to do?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 5, 2017 at 1:31 am

      Hi Natalie,

      have you check this one?
      EBR 054: My Exes Mom Made Him Break Up With Me

  9. Avatar

    Sammie

    November 30, 2017 at 4:02 am

    This article spoke to me!! I broke up with my LDR ex after jumping to conclusions and not hearing his side of the story. He is 30 and I’m 23. We had a wonderful 10 months. I feel the need to apologize to him. I don’t want him to think that I am immature. I’ve been using NC to regain my confidence and to use more logic. I feel as if I hurt him. I did 21 days NC and I didn’t get a response after first contact text. So I’m doing NC for another week and I want to apologize. After the BU I did not gnat at him except for an “I’m sorry” text two nights later. But I want to give him a sincere and remorseful apology for the things I said in the VM I left him. Can I send an apology after my week of NC? Or should I have apologized a long time ago? Is it too late?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 30, 2017 at 7:20 pm

      For me, when you said you’re sorry and he didn’t reply, that means he just took the opportunity of you breaking up with him to continue moving on because he was already being distant to begin with..if he really wanted to make things work, he would have already done that.. If that one last apology will what give you peace of mind, do it before starting to slowly building rapport…

  10. Avatar

    Sapfo

    November 16, 2017 at 4:28 pm

    Hello, EBR team! I’m in NC now but I wanted to ask, the apology should be the first text after NC? When should it actually be? I’m confused. I fall under the category “big lies”.
    Thank you in advance!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 18, 2017 at 2:30 am

      Hi Sapfo,

      do it before nc..that means you have to restart count after apologizing

  11. Avatar

    Autumn

    November 4, 2017 at 4:13 am

    Hi Amor,
    So rapport is going well, he is now texting every day and calling 3 – 4 times a week, but tomorrow is 2 months since he contacted me again and he still hasn’t asked to meet up, he works construction and is a site foreman, so I know he’s busy, BUT is there a time frame where we should meet up? Or do I just take it easy and let things roll? He offered to take me fishing (we used to love doing that together) but no set date. As far as improving myself I think there was a misunderstanding somewhere, I am almost done with my master’s degree and have started my own business, and have lost a lot of weight.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 5, 2017 at 6:03 am

      That’s good! It looks like you’ve got enough rapport to ask…just make it casual.. don’t make a big deal about it.. and ask at the high point of conversation.

  12. Avatar

    Autumn

    October 17, 2017 at 10:21 pm

    My ex and I have been apart 9 years, he calls a couple times a year and I used to be really hateful to him last year I blocked his number this year I got a new phone and forgot to block it and he called me. He mentioned he couldn’t get through for some reason last year and I didn’t say anything, I have been going to counseling and have worked on a lot including myself almost done with my masters! this time I know that I want to try with him again. I was nice and we both apologized for a lot of hurt. we have talked a few times which were multiple hour conversations and we have text a few times but now I have not heard from him for 2 days. I usually end the text convo withy him texting last and he did last time and they have all been nice. Now I don’t know what to do, I’m mad that it’s been a month already and no meet up but I read one of your articles that said there is no time frame. What do I do now? ( saving up money for the private Facebook group but I’m a single mom so it’s going to take a little while) 🙂

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      Autumn

      October 19, 2017 at 3:39 pm

      Hi Amor,
      We had been talking for the span of a month, he had called me 3 times, and had text me at least 3 – 4 times a week. And of course his birthday is next week so I’m not sure if I should initiate a text on his bday, or start no contact.

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      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 23, 2017 at 12:22 pm

      I think you should keep building rapport but you have to start improving yourself

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      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 19, 2017 at 2:53 pm

      Hi Autumn,

      if you blocked him last year, how long have you been talking again now?

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    B

    October 9, 2017 at 8:04 pm

    Does Chris do one on one coaching???

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      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 10, 2017 at 2:51 pm

      Hi B,

      Yes, he does coaching calls for a fee.. If you’re interested, is this the email he should contact you?

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    Amy

    October 8, 2017 at 11:46 pm

    OK so I and my ex boyfriend were talking pleasantly and we got into a conversation about our past and it soon spiralled downwards!
    The essence of the conversation is that he forgives but won’t forget what I did and he is holding a major grudge against me and won’t be forgiving me anytime soon!
    I don’t know how we end up having these conversations again and again! I told him ok at last after clarifying things again but like its said that doesn’t work at all! We broke up once because he won’t forgive me now that he is back he says he likes me but can’t ever let me close to him again! He says that I knew everything about him and still hurt and broke him! And I can’t counter his arguments and he said I used to tell u to not do these things but u won’t listen and now its done and that past can’t be changed ever! I said ok and that I agree!
    And he said he will love me but from a distance and that wont let me get close to him! What do u think should I do? He is extremely stubborn! He says he wants to spend good time with me for however long it is going to be! Basically he won’t give me his heart again!

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      Amy

      October 16, 2017 at 11:47 pm

      So what should I do now?

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      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 17, 2017 at 11:29 am

      Let him initiate for now..go back to your own activities..

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      Amy

      October 16, 2017 at 11:47 pm

      So what should I do now? Wait for him to text me or initiate after a week again?

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      Amy

      October 16, 2017 at 11:35 pm

      Sorry for asking so many questions and thank you so much for being so forthcoming!
      I am not angry now when he doesn’t reply! After this stint, he is being distant when he had been so friendly and open with me for awhile! Flirting a lot too! The thing that surprised me that he havent ever just ignored my texts!
      Should I initiate again after a week this time or just wait for him?
      The thing that bothers me a lot is that when he came back after we broke up, he clearly had plans for us getting back together eventually but that to take things slow and now all this! I am so confused! Help!

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      Amy

      October 15, 2017 at 9:52 pm

      Hi Amor
      So good news it that he did respond after two days to which I also responded to after almost 3 days and then we had a conversation! We shared a lot of poetry with each other, it was pleasant if not very continuous or long!
      After that, its been two days he sees my texts and doesn’t respond! Now what?

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      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 16, 2017 at 9:59 pm

      Don’t overthink.. If he doesn’t want to get back with you, then in order for him to be more friendly he had to see that you’re just being friendly and not trying to get him back.. If he sees you’re not being antsy nor angry when he doesn’t reply because you have and is busy with your own life, he may take a chance on being more friendly..

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      Amy

      October 15, 2017 at 9:50 pm

      Hi Amor
      So good news it that he did respond after two days to which I also responded to after almost 3 days and then we had a conversation! We shared a lot of poetry with each other, it was pleasant if not very continuous or long!
      After that I sent him a song as a joke and some comments about it but he sees it and no reply and he hasn’t ever done this! He could keep it in delivered texts and respond later! Now it’s twice in a span of 24 hours that he has marked it seen and not replied, I was still cheerful but nothing!
      What do you think is going on again?
      Please respond!

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      Amy

      October 10, 2017 at 7:46 pm

      I texted him and its been almost 2 days after this conversation that he isn’t replying although I just sent only one text!
      We did have an extremely intense conversation and it all was so emotional and I did do a bit convincing in a playful manner which he took as very serious and now he isn’t replying! He did mention keeping his distance from me!
      Please reply
      I think I might have screwed up!
      What do you think I should do? Before this, we were having long long conversations although on texts as he still won’t talk to me on calls!
      Tell me what should I do now? He is completely ignoring me now!

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      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 11, 2017 at 9:57 am

      Rest for a week before initiating agaib

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      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 10, 2017 at 12:42 pm

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    Taylor

    September 22, 2017 at 10:59 pm

    I emailed but thought this might be easier. Does Chris do one on one personal coaching like on the phone or something? I have a bad situation that I need help with.

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      Taylor

      September 28, 2017 at 4:17 pm

      Yes this is email please! Thank you

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      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 29, 2017 at 12:38 am

      ok, I’ll forward this to Chris. You’re welcome!

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      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 27, 2017 at 4:35 pm

      Yes, he does. Is this the same email add you want him to send an invite to?

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    Ann Mary

    September 6, 2017 at 5:25 pm

    Hi,

    I and my boyfriend were together for almost 2 years. Though we love each other we fight a lot as well. We had a huge fight recently and he told me things like I flirt with guys and stuff which is not true. I got really hurt when I know how committed and honest I am in the relation. I told him I am breaking up with him. I was screaming on the top of my voice so was he. I said, ‘not even my dog will come back to you and that I did a mistake by choosing you over my ex’. He tried to talk to me while we were fighting but I didn’t let him have a conversation because I was mad at him and quite angry. A lot of times we say each other that we are done but we always patch up. However this time we didn’t patch up. Some days passed and he never tried to talk..I tried to talk to him and he said he is done. And that he still remembers my statement which said ‘not even my dog will.come back to you and that I did a mistake by choosing him over my ex’. I said sorry and I told him that he also said hurtful things and still I went back, just because I know that everyone says hurtful things when they are mad and they don’t mean it. But he didn’t even continue the conversation. He said he is done and left the place. This fight is definitely different from our previous fights and he has never behaved like this before. He is also active in dating apps and he also blocked me from all social media, which has happened before as well. Do you think there is a chance that we get back to each other. He has really loved me a lot which I know for sure.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 7, 2017 at 9:17 pm

      HI Ann Mary,

      you already apologized for it, so I think it’s time for you to start the no contact rule since he’s still angry about it.

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    Rosa

    August 29, 2017 at 8:08 pm

    Hi Amor,
    Great article. My relationship with my ex ended in 2015. I didnt really follow through the NC correctly which forced my ex to block me. In January I promised myself to improve myself and extremely reflect on the relationship. I commited many of those crimes in our 7 year relationship and looking back at it I truly understand why he is angry, hurt, and doesn’t want to speak to me. I was way into getting him back and focused on the wrong things. He use to always tell me to put myself in his shoes and I was never able to until now. He’s very close to my brother. I have been distant with my family to improve myself but I recently spoke to one of my brothers and he told me that my ex was having issues with his current girlfriend. I couldn’t help but feel so sad about his situation because of my commited crimes. I really want to just apologize to him but I don’t see a way how. Questions pop into my head like will this anger him even more? Will he accept my apology? I go back to the times we texted and he would say dont ever call me or text me . He even once told me that if he doesn’t call or try to find me then it means he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I’m very hesitant and feel like maybe it’s going to take more time.

    1. Avatar

      Rosa

      September 1, 2017 at 8:29 pm

      Yes it has been long ago. If the day comes when we do speak face to face. I am concern as in what to say. I dont know where I would start. Is there any tips you can help me with to prepare myself? Thank you Amor!

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      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 4, 2017 at 7:18 pm

      Just open up a topic.. you can still try this one:
      How To Properly Start A Conversation With Your Ex After No Contact

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      Rosa

      August 31, 2017 at 5:36 pm

      Hi
      Honestly I don’t remember I want to say maybe July 2016

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      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 31, 2017 at 8:11 pm

      That’s so long ago.. Dont apologize as an initial text

    5. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 31, 2017 at 1:15 pm

      Hi Rosa,

      Since when did you last text?

  18. Avatar

    Joni

    August 24, 2017 at 12:04 am

    So I have been on and off dating my significant for the last year and a half. We have never actually gotten to the stage of boyfriend girlfriend because I live about 2 hours away from him, and we both were dating other people in-between this span of time. Needless to stay it is very complicated but we care/know a lot about each other but haven’t had a natural climax towards dating. Last may he reached out and we started casually dating seeing each other 1x a week because I left for a job in Asia for 3 months. I am back now and learned that I will likely be moving to his city in the next month or so. He told me he was very excited about it, and things were going great.

    two weeks ago I went to a concert and he was there. I am the least confrontational person, but because of our rocky past of dating other people, I let my insecurity get the best of me and drunkenly yelled at my S/O for like 35 minutes and I am pretty sure his closest girl friends were within ear shot and they probably think I am insane. I was pushing him to commit since its been months but he wants to take the pressure off things. We laughed about my meltdown the next day because I quite literally acted crazy. And two days later I texted him asking if I could get him a ‘thank you drink’ next week (aka this week right now) to make up for my outburst and he said ‘ haha sounds good’ that was 6 days ago and I haven’t heard from him since. He hasn’t liked any of my instagrams (HE ALWAYS DOES) or looked at my snap chats (HE ALWAYS DOES). I am so afraid that he is going to dump me even though we are not together. Have a totally ruined my shot at us finally getting a chance at this relationship?????

    WHAT SHOULD I DO?

    should I follow up with the drink opportunity after all I have not texted him either to follow up about it….?

    or should I just not contact him and wait until he reaches out to me.

    I have already apologized about the outburst, but idk what else I should do.

    Part of me is even considering sending a ‘lets take a break text and see how we feel when I’m settled in the same city as you’ text.

    I am so afraid I lost him forever. SOS!!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 24, 2017 at 11:08 pm

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    Maria

    August 19, 2017 at 5:56 pm

    Three weeks after our breakup, after a couple sexual encounters, awkwardly moving out of his place, and some horrendous fights, we’ve started NC.

    I was in a really, really bad place. Our relationship was amazing, he was so kind and attentive. Treated me like his queen. I slowly however began to suffer from nervous breakdowns and would lash out at him, often shoving him and yelling. (It was only at the latter end of our year long relationship though and by no means prevelant always).

    We finally broke up, mutually. He was so cold the day it happened. But since, I’ve seen lapses where he showed emotion. Why just last week he said he would help me get better, healthier. That I am strong underneath all of this and that what I’m undergoing is temporary. That we needed to see through the breakup for ourselves.

    Until I pushed him on the street and yelled at him because I didn’t want him to help me move out.

    Yeah, I’m a mess. No, it’s not okay.

    I went to his place the other day (he’s living in his fraternity until he starts grad school) and I saw him with another girl. After days of ignoring me, he took me across the street to a parking lot where I cried my heart out. That was when we decided it’s finally time to cut contact. The thing is….. he was So. Cold. He was a robot. He was almost mean. He grew angry at my emotions. He said “there are no more emotions, there are no more feelings.” He said he didn’t want me. That he didn’t love me romantically anymore. Stoicism to the extreme, a full 180 from a week ago. He even told my best friend that he didn’t think he wanted to be even my friend again.

    I don’t want him back immediately, I need to focus on myself so I never, ever exhibit this abusiveness again. I’ve gone to a new therapist and have been going through talk therapy and discussing medications. I’ve started to go to the gym again and am eating healthier and sleeping better. I’ve been excelling at my real estate internship. But he was my closest and my best friend.

    I want to lay a foundation while we are apart that will allow me to reenter his life positively. He’ll be very busy with dental school, and I’ll be finishing my undergrad (same university). I want to put myself in the best position to have something in the future — so I’m not contacting him. But what do I say when I reach out again?

    He said he would reach out to get coffee “maybe after orientation.”

    So…. here I am. A bizarre limbo.

    Help me get back the man who made me the strongest version of myself. How long should I NC? It’s only been a few days since I actually decided. I am so remorseful and I am getting better. One more year full ride at Berkeley and I’ll be ready to be in the real world — and hopefully his life.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 22, 2017 at 6:49 pm

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    Rachael

    August 18, 2017 at 5:14 am

    my bf of 5 years finally broke up with me about a month ago. we were incompatible from the start and i knew it wouldn’t last forever but he became my best friend. the breakup was mutual and respectful and for a full week afterwards we were still texting like best friends. but then i admitted to him that i had been cheating on him at the end of our relationship and he immediately wanted nothing to do with me. of course i don’t blame him for that and i don’t think we should ever get back together as boyfriend and girlfriend but i do miss my best friend. do you think it’s possible he will ever want to be friends again? should i bother trying to find out since i know that he thinks it’s unhealthy for him to even talk to me right now?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 18, 2017 at 5:38 pm

      HI Rachael,

      Yeah someday when much time has passed.. It depends from a person to person but a safe bet would be maybe after 6 months or a year he would have moved on..