By Chris Seiter

Updated on March 8th, 2021

I recently did an article about how to get your ex-boyfriend back when he blames you for everything and it would seem that quite a lot of my regular readers are in that exact situation and need some more guidance on the subject.

In the last article, we talked about the two ways an ex might react to the breakup which were anger and sulking.

I also talked about apologies and whether you need them and finally I discussed using your ex-boyfriends own logic to convince him it wasn’t your fault by using a method called “Yes Momentum.”

In this second part of the article we are going to look at some more ways to tackle your ex-boyfriend’s resistance towards you and win him over. The techniques that we will be covering are:-

  1. Sphere of Influence
  2. Forgiving for forgiveness
  3. End the sulking

For those of you who have not read the original article you can find it above. It will give you all the background information you will need to know before trying to apply the theories that I am going to tell you all about today.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Sphere Of Influence

Ok let’s start by talking about your ex-boyfriend’s Sphere of Influence…..

What is a Sphere of Influence anyway?

The Sphere of Influence is any person who interacts with your ex-boyfriend who has the power to affect his views and opinions. It could be friends, family, colleagues, etc, now this won’t be everyone your ex knows; they are only the people whose opinions matter to him!

Using your ex-boyfriends Sphere of Influence as a way to change his view of you after the breakup is an extremely fast and effective method to win him over. If you can identify which of your ex’s friend’s, family and colleagues you are already connected with, you can use these individuals as an indirect way to communicate with and influence your ex-boyfriend.

Now, I am going to stress that these should be people that you are ALREADY connected with, please don’t go chasing people you don’t know to get to him.

You are probably wondering how Sphere of Influence works when getting your ex back.
Well, all people are most likely to listen to the views and opinions of those they like the most.

Very rarely do people maintain a view that is at odds with the people they are closest to, essentially most people are sheep following a shepherd. Because of this you have a great opportunity to use your ex-boyfriend’s Sphere of Influence to change how he feels towards you by ensuring you win over his friends and family.

The key ways you can indirectly shift your ex’s views about the breakup include: –

  • Getting his Sphere of Influence to like you
  • Getting them to think he is unreasonable
  • Getting them to think you are over the breakup

The first step to using the Sphere of Influence to your advantage is to get them to like you more so as that they will want to listen to your story later.

Getting his Sphere of Influence to think very highly of you is relatively easy because people like people who are like themselves so all you need is to find some common ground to talk about, music, films, fashion, sports, food, TV…. Anything!

Another good way to win over your ex-boyfriends Sphere of Influence is to be charming and ingratiating, this means use flattery! 
Everybody likes someone who can give them a genuine compliment. We all like people who give us a positive feeling inside whether that due to kindness, compliments, humour or sympathy. If you want your ex’s Sphere of

Influence to like you more, ensure that whenever you interact with them they leave feeling happy.

Once you have ensured that any mutual connections you have with your ex like you, then you are in a position to influence your ex-boyfriend.

The first step you have taken will ensure that the Sphere of Influence will report back to your ex how kind, and friendly you are. This will undoubtedly be met with resistance by your ex-boyfriend and he may even push back on their views but as they now think very highly of you they are likely to fight your case and tell him he is wrong.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

The second step in using his Sphere of Influence to change his opinion is to always seem upbeat and positive. Those closest to him are likely at some point to ask about you about the breakup and the best way you can respond is to communicate calmly and carefully that

“the situation is unfortunate” but you have “great respect for him and understand that he is feeling hurt” and that you “hope he is happy”.

In doing so you will communicate that you are over the breakup in addition to looking reasonable.

When this happens his friends and family will question whether his stories about you are true and if his opinions towards you are valid. Where they decide that his views are wrong they will put him under increased pressure to forgive you.

The final step in using his Sphere of Influence is allowing them to see the new improved version of you now that you have become the Ungettable Girl. I want you to let them know when you are going out on dates and doing fun activities with friends.

For Example

If you have a date I want you to go shopping with one of them to buy a new dress to go out in, or to post a picture of you wearing the dress asking for their opinion on it.

Your ex’s Sphere of Influence will act as your vehicle to spread gossip back to your ex about how great you are doing, and how fantastic your single dating life is going!

Note: If your breakup was caused by cheating on your part NEVER mention going on dates. Instead you should discuss social activities with other girls to demonstrate how you are living life to the max.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Forgiving for forgiveness

This approach is great for those of you who share responsibility for the breakup with your ex, what I would call the general breakup.

This approach is based upon the principle of reciprocity, this is where someone in the past has done something for you, and then later requires something in return.

Offering forgiveness to your ex-boyfriend first will make him feel obliged to return the favor because that is the social norm. The best part about this approach is that when combined with his Sphere of Influence, his friends and family will put him under pressure to reciprocate your kindness too.

I actually witnessed this a few years ago.

A couple broke up, because the boyfriend had been cheating and on top of that the guy had been stealing money from his girlfriend to pay for a holiday with his other woman!….

Eventually the girlfriend figured it out and dumped him, he apologized but he never gave her back the money and he still went on the holiday.

I know right…. It’s terrible!

Now this guy was probably the best person I have ever seen at using someone’s Sphere of Influence to his advantage. When he got back from his holiday with the other woman, he started getting more friendly with the girls Sphere of Influence.

This ex-boyfriend would take them out shopping, buy them drinks, throw them parties, help them fix their car, and be friendly and kind towards them. Within a few weeks they started to tell his ex-girlfriend that she was mistaken and that he was a changed man and a really nice guy!….

The bit that will surprise you the most is that he informed them that it was all her fault they broke up and that the stealing was a loan but that he forgave her for overreacting because he was a nice guy….. and they listened because they liked him and because of this they felt convinced that he must be telling the truth.

And what happened next?….. her Sphere of Influence started to put pressure on her to forgive him too; ie to reciprocate his forgiveness. They felt she was being unreasonable because this ex-boyfriend seemed normal and rational to them.

They nagged her so much that within a few weeks he was hanging out with them as a group, they kept inviting him along on days out, and eventually they forced her to apologize to him and them for making everything so awkward!

OK so that’s a pretty extreme example, and I don’t want you to go as far as lying and inventing the truth, but you can see how you can use your ex-boyfriends Sphere of Influence to your advantage. By winning over your ex’s friends and family by doing nice things for them, they will assist you in talking around your ex-boyfriend.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

End The Sulking

This part of your approach is something I recommend to all people who are trying to win their ex’s back, it’s just that in your case we are going to use the three techniques separately, one after the other as we need to stop your ex from being angry first.

Now normally I would recommend that someone who is trying to get their ex-boyfriend back apply all three approaches together from day one.

However as your ex is blaming you for the situation building rapport is going to be difficult if your ex will not speak to you. So here is how you can modify things to suit your situation better.


Firstly, as you ex is either angry or sulking then I want you to give him space and appear scarce. The reason you need to do this is three-fold.

It gives him time to calm down.

Sulking or being angry is only fun when someone is waiting.

It will make you seem desirable and high value if you are not begging for his attention.

You are probably wondering what I mean when I say sulking is only fun when someone is watching right?….

Well, have you ever been at the Supermarket and seen a child having a tantrum on the floor because they aren’t allowed to buy chocolate or toys or something? I bet you have.
Now the parent has two options, argue with the child or walk away.

Normally the parent will attempt to argue with the child and that doesn’t really work, because the child likes the attention.

However a smart parent walks off to buy the rest of the groceries and the child soon stops crying and runs after them because sulking and being angry is no-fun when no one cares.

What the parent is doing is rationing the level of attention that child is getting and in doing so, making their attention a scarce commodity!

Right now your ex is having an angry tantrum just like that child, and you should deal with it in the same way. By making your attention a scarce commodity and showing him that you are not going to acknowledge his angry or sulky behavior he is eventually going to give up.


To accelerate the speed in which he gets bored I want you to implement a sense of urgency by looking as though you might move on at any time. This doesn’t have to mean move on with another guy, it can just mean move on and get over your ex permanently.

By indicating that in the near future you might not be interested in your ex you generate a sense of urgency in him that will make him want to re-evaluate how he feels. At that point you may see him see-saw between saying he loves you one day and blaming you for the breakup the next.

This see-sawing is caused by an inner turmoil between him missing you and being unable to overcome his feelings of resentment towards you for causing the breakup.


This leads us to the final step, rapport building!

When your ex-boyfriend starts to see-saw, this is the perfect time to begin ramping up your rapport building with him.

In building rapport with him you are going to win him over and get him to like you again.

I don’t know if you have ever tried staying angry with someone who was being nice to you but it is incredibly tough.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

When I was at college I need to go home for the summer break but when I was coming back I was moving into a new apartment.

I needed a place to store all my belongings for a couple of weeks and a friend of mine kindly offered to keep it in their garage before I moved.

The problem was that whilst I was away they had a huge clear-out of the garage and accidentally sold this really rare, signed collectors painting of my favorite sports star which had been a gift for my 21st birthday. As you can imagine I was pretty upset when they told me and I was angry for quite a while but my friend was really persistent in trying to apologize and make up to me.

Every time I saw them they were friendly and kind and incredibly nice and it was really hard to stay angry even though I wanted to sulk a little a bit longer!

What I found was that staying angry was incredibly exhausting and as they were being so nice, it just made my efforts seem childish, so I forgave them.The lesson I want you to learn from this is that it is really hard to stay angry with someone, who is being nice to you.

By trying to build more rapport with your ex by being friendly, staying upbeat, showing concern for them, sidestepping arguments with them and remaining positive, you will eventually build enough rapport to start moving from a situation focused on damage control to attraction building instead.

Once you reach that point you can transition across into the normal texting, phone call and date strategy I that recommend in Ex-Boyfriend Recovery PRO.

Let’s roundup with a quick recap of everything we have covered in the article so you use it to start winning your ex back today.

We started off by talking about how you can use your ex-boyfriends Sphere of Influence to win him over and get him talking to you again. Then we discussed how you can persuade your ex to forgive you by using the principle of reciprocity.

Lastly, we covered the need to squash his sulking by making your attention a scarce commodity, creating a sense of urgency and then building rapport.

What to Read Next

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

12 thoughts on “What Does It Mean When An Ex Blames Me For The Breakup?”

  1. Nada

    October 26, 2020 at 4:53 pm

    My fiance broke up with me two weeks ago and it was a terrible breakup over a text msg and we were together for 5 years, at first he was wandering around our mutual friends and wants to know how am i doing and did i move on and if i’m seeing someone new and then he got angry because he thought i moved on so fast after the BU and he started blaming me for the breakup and he mentioned several times that he is moving on now as i don’t deserve him as long as i already moved on that fast from our 5 year relationship (even tho he’s the one who dumped me) and that he took the right decision of breaking up with me and that he doesn’t care about me anymore.
    i’m hurt that he thinks this way because i thought that he would regret breaking up with me and would miss me. Specially that i’m in NC since the BU
    what should i do and now that he decided to move on is there any chance that we can get back together?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 28, 2020 at 4:36 am

      Hi Nada, it is common for exes to tell your friends such things! But you need to take it on the chin and understand this is quite common behavior. You need to work on yourself, follow the rules of No Contact and work on your Holy Trinity. Then reach out to your ex after 30 days. Stop speaking to your friends about him now, start talking to your friends about life, what you want to do and suggest things to do with them to show your ex that you are not upset about the break up.

  2. Abby

    April 1, 2020 at 8:41 pm

    I was brokeup with my boyfriend in 1 year ago, and i followed the NC rules..but then, after 1 year of NC, he suddenly gave message to me and wish happy birthday..he keeps message me regularly until one day he told me that im not important to him and blames me for the brokeup…and finally i found that he is waiting for someone else.. Should i continue the NC again ??

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 2, 2020 at 10:39 pm

      Hi Abby, so following the No Contact rule is how we do things, but the longest we recommend is 45 days not a year. If you want your ex back then you need to read up about long term break ups and how to do the being there method also as he has met someone else.

  3. Rachel

    February 26, 2020 at 2:29 am

    I was only with my ex for four montjs but we talked about the future and he always told me that I was the “one”. My last relationship i was sexually abused so I told him i have a bit of PTSD over it and im working on it. And he said he would wait and doesn’t want me to feel forced or pressured. I am also working on a masters which is very time consuming. We hung out almost everyday. One day (it started when he began being close to this one guy) he began to get very angry and when i said i didn’t feel like doing anything unless he just wanted to come over and watch a movie he accused me saying i didnt want to be with him and i was making excuses. He broke it off on valentines day at 2am saying i wasnt ready for a relationship. I tried to see if we could get together and talk qnd work out these things and he wouldn’t and blamed me for it all. I recently had to block him bc he kept commenting on posts and making me feel that h3 wants me back only to shut me down. I know hes dealing with lots but i cant help him and hes hurt me severly. How can i move on from this?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 6, 2020 at 9:57 pm

      Hi Rachel, I think the best thing you can do is leave him on block while you work on yourself and still hold that hope of him coming back when you need to get over the abuse and your PTSD. Working through that first is going to be key to being happy again you need to work on yourself that you are Ungettable but so that you actually feel that you are in control of any future relationships. If you want your ex back after you have spent some time through recovery then unblock him and start the texting phase that Chris suggests

  4. Mary

    September 21, 2019 at 7:04 pm

    My ex and I were together almost 2 years. We moved states. He struggled with the move in all aspects. He loved the state but missed home, struggled financially, emotionally, etc. Hes VERY closed off emotionally. He holds everything in. The relationship has been toxic for about a year. Always threatens to move home, and blames all our fighting on me. He recently went home for 2 weddings I was supposed to go to too. He pretty much didn’t speak to me the whole trip. I found out he brought a ‘friend’ to the after ceremony of the second wedding. He was being cold, mean, telling me he’s unhappy and is actually going to move home this time. He got back to our home and has since been continuing talking to this girl, blaming me for absolutely everything, being cruel, and shutting me out. He’s says he’s staying enough to work to break our lease and move home. I haven’t followed NC because my emotions take over. I’m so hurt. And we share a apartment still. He’s getting meaner and meaner. Told me he’s going to be able to support this new girl and her two kids (but he hates kids so idk what is going on with that). Idk what to do. So lost. Everyone tells me ignore him, but it’s SO hard because he doesn’t care that I’m destroyed, and I feel by leaving him alone he’ll just fall for this girl faster and forget me. It’s just shocking the level of disrespect, after all I’ve done for him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 23, 2019 at 6:25 pm

      Hi Mary, so NC is the best, because right now he is unhappy with the current situation and he thinks he can be happy else where. Give him some space form you, he isn’t going to forget about you in 30 days or is he going to fall for this girl that quickly either. Not properly Hes only just getting to know her.

  5. Ann

    July 4, 2019 at 4:21 pm

    These are all things to implement after the NC period right? I have his family reaching out to me but im sitll in NC

    1. Chris Seiter

      July 5, 2019 at 3:09 am

      I think in most circumstances it OK to communicate with his family if they reached out first. Just avoid getting in too deep about relationship matters. Also, take a look at my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” for more insights.

  6. Jessie

    August 2, 2017 at 6:32 pm

    I loved this! My ex boyfriend’s friend told me that my ex wanted him to go after me and date me. I am not interested in dating anyone but my ex. Do you know why my ex boyfriend would say something like this? Then we thought of this idea. I have been talking to my ex boyfriend’s best friend, and he told me that it might work out if he and I started hanging out with each other and maybe my ex boyfriend will start coming around often to hang out with me and his friend. Do you think this is a good idea? My ex’s best friend thought that maybe this would be a good idea to get my ex to hang out with me; since my ex doesn’t just want to jump into a relationship because I cheated on him. I agreed to this, I told my ex boyfriend’s friend that I am happy being friends with him and my ex, (until my ex can trust me again).

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 3, 2017 at 6:12 pm

      If you can work and have somebody else look over your child while you work, that would be better.. You need to know and cultivate your self worth.

      You cheated on him before but right now you’re chasing him. You’re accepting that you’re the one who has to prove something even though he’s telling you he wants to be with you while he’s in a relationship.

      Hanging out with other guys especially his friend is like proving to him he’s right about you..

      Staying friends with him now is lowering your self worth too because first, you’re putting yourself in the friendzone. Second, it’s starting to look like you’ve been making up for a mistake that was a long time ago and both of you should have moved on from it since he’s in a relationship now too.

      You’re showing him you’re just there, always waiting for his forgiveness..

      The better approach is to talk to him about what happened calmly. Tell him you’re sorry about what happened before but you’ve forgiven yourself and that’s not you now and it’s up to him whether he forgives you or not but you’re moving on from that for your self respect and for your child.

      If he wants to get back with you, he has to do the right thing first, break up with his current gf. If he says it’s just because he doesn’t trust you, tell him, that’s for him to work out for himself because that was a mistake years ago. Thank him for eveything and tell him you hope that he understands and respect the space you need for yourself.

      And then do at least 30 days of nc.. Don’t tell him you’re doing nc. Don’t tell him you’re going to contact him after 30 days. If he asks if you will contact him again, tell him as of now you don’t know yet. If he asks if you’re still friends, tell him as of now that’s not workable.

      Improve yourself. Have a new routine for yourself and your child. Have your own life. Prepare your life in a way that if you don’t get him back, it will hurt but it’s his loss, not yours. You have a lot in store for yourself and in your child’s future.