I recently did an article about how to get your ex-boyfriend back when he blames you for everything and it would seem that quite a lot of my regular readers are in that exact situation and need some more guidance on the subject.
In the last article, we talked about the two ways an ex might react to the breakup which were anger and sulking. I also talked about apologies and whether you need them and finally I discussed using your ex-boyfriends own logic to convince him it wasn’t your fault by using a method called “Yes Momentum.”
In this second part of the article we are going to look at some more ways to tackle your ex-boyfriend’s resistance towards you and win him over. The techniques that we will be covering are:-
- Sphere of Influence
- Forgiving for forgiveness
- End the sulking
For those of you who have not read the original article you can find it here. It will give you all the background information you will need to know before trying to apply the theories that I am going to tell you all about today.
Sphere Of Influence
Ok let’s start by talking about your ex-boyfriend’s Sphere of Influence…..
What is a Sphere of Influence anyway?
The Sphere of Influence is any person who interacts with your ex-boyfriend who has the power to affect his views and opinions. It could be friends, family, colleagues, etc, now this won’t be everyone your ex knows; they are only the people whose opinions matter to him!
Using your ex-boyfriends Sphere of Influence as a way to change his view of you after the breakup is an extremely fast and effective method to win him over. If you can identify which of your ex’s friend’s, family and colleagues you are already connected with, you can use these individuals as an indirect way to communicate with and influence your ex-boyfriend.
Now, I am going to stress that these should be people that you are ALREADY connected with, please don’t go chasing people you don’t know to get to him.
You are probably wondering how Sphere of Influence works when getting your ex back. Well, all people are most likely to listen to the views and opinions of those they like the most.
Very rarely do people maintain a view that is at odds with the people they are closest to, essentially most people are sheep following a shepherd. Because of this you have a great opportunity to use your ex-boyfriend’s Sphere of Influence to change how he feels towards you by ensuring you win over his friends and family.
The key ways you can indirectly shift your ex’s views about the breakup include: –
- Getting his Sphere of Influence to like you
- Getting them to think he is unreasonable
- Getting them to think you are over the breakup
The first step to using the Sphere of Influence to your advantage is to get them to like you more so as that they will want to listen to your story later.
Getting his Sphere of Influence to think very highly of you is relatively easy because people like people who are like themselves so all you need is to find some common ground to talk about, music, films, fashion, sports, food, TV…. Anything!
Another good way to win over your ex-boyfriends Sphere of Influence is to be charming and ingratiating, this means use flattery! Everybody likes someone who can give them a genuine compliment. We all like people who give us a positive feeling inside whether that due to kindness, compliments, humour or sympathy. If you want your ex’s Sphere of
Influence to like you more, ensure that whenever you interact with them they leave feeling happy.
Once you have ensured that any mutual connections you have with your ex like you, then you are in a position to influence your ex-boyfriend.
The first step you have taken will ensure that the Sphere of Influence will report back to your ex how kind, and friendly you are. This will undoubtedly be met with resistance by your ex-boyfriend and he may even push back on their views but as they now think very highly of you they are likely to fight your case and tell him he is wrong.
The second step in using his Sphere of Influence to change his opinion is to always seem upbeat and positive. Those closest to him are likely at some point to ask about you about the breakup and the best way you can respond is to communicate calmly and carefully that
“the situation is unfortunate” but you have “great respect for him and understand that he is feeling hurt” and that you “hope he is happy”.
In doing so you will communicate that you are over the breakup in addition to looking reasonable.
When this happens his friends and family will question whether his stories about you are true and if his opinions towards you are valid. Where they decide that his views are wrong they will put him under increased pressure to forgive you.
The final step in using his Sphere of Influence is allowing them to see the new improved version of you now that you have become the Ungettable Girl. I want you to let them know when you are going out on dates and doing fun activities with friends.
If you have a date I want you to go shopping with one of them to buy a new dress to go out in, or to post a picture of you wearing the dress asking for their opinion on it.
Your ex’s Sphere of Influence will act as your vehicle to spread gossip back to your ex about how great you are doing, and how fantastic your single dating life is going!
Note: If your breakup was caused by cheating on your part NEVER mention going on dates. Instead you should discuss social activities with other girls to demonstrate how you are living life to the max.
Forgiving for forgiveness
This approach is great for those of you who share responsibility for the breakup with your ex, what I would call the general breakup.
This approach is based upon the principle of reciprocity, this is where someone in the past has done something for you, and then later requires something in return.
Offering forgiveness to your ex-boyfriend first will make him feel obliged to return the favor because that is the social norm. The best part about this approach is that when combined with his Sphere of Influence, his friends and family will put him under pressure to reciprocate your kindness too.
I actually witnessed this a few years ago.
A couple broke up, because the boyfriend had been cheating and on top of that the guy had been stealing money from his girlfriend to pay for a holiday with his other woman!….
Eventually the girlfriend figured it out and dumped him, he apologized but he never gave her back the money and he still went on the holiday.
I know right…. It’s terrible!
Now this guy was probably the best person I have ever seen at using someone’s Sphere of Influence to his advantage. When he got back from his holiday with the other woman, he started getting more friendly with the girls Sphere of Influence.
This ex-boyfriend would take them out shopping, buy them drinks, throw them parties, help them fix their car, and be friendly and kind towards them. Within a few weeks they started to tell his ex-girlfriend that she was mistaken and that he was a changed man and a really nice guy!….
The bit that will surprise you the most is that he informed them that it was all her fault they broke up and that the stealing was a loan but that he forgave her for overreacting because he was a nice guy….. and they listened because they liked him and because of this they felt convinced that he must be telling the truth.
And what happened next?….. her Sphere of Influence started to put pressure on her to forgive him too; ie to reciprocate his forgiveness. They felt she was being unreasonable because this ex-boyfriend seemed normal and rational to them.
They nagged her so much that within a few weeks he was hanging out with them as a group, they kept inviting him along on days out, and eventually they forced her to apologize to him and them for making everything so awkward!
OK so that’s a pretty extreme example, and I don’t want you to go as far as lying and inventing the truth, but you can see how you can use your ex-boyfriends Sphere of Influence to your advantage. By winning over your ex’s friends and family by doing nice things for them, they will assist you in talking around your ex-boyfriend.
End The Sulking
This part of your approach is something I recommend to all people who are trying to win their ex’s back, it’s just that in your case we are going to use the three techniques separately, one after the other as we need to stop your ex from being angry first.
Now normally I would recommend that someone who is trying to get their ex-boyfriend back apply all three approaches together from day one.
However as your ex is blaming you for the situation building rapport is going to be difficult if your ex will not speak to you. So here is how you can modify things to suit your situation better.
Firstly, as you ex is either angry or sulking then I want you to give him space and appear scarce. The reason you need to do this is three-fold.
It gives him time to calm down.
Sulking or being angry is only fun when someone is waiting.
It will make you seem desirable and high value if you are not begging for his attention.
You are probably wondering what I mean when I say sulking is only fun when someone is watching right?….
Well, have you ever been at the Supermarket and seen a child having a tantrum on the floor because they aren’t allowed to buy chocolate or toys or something? I bet you have. Now the parent has two options, argue with the child or walk away.
Normally the parent will attempt to argue with the child and that doesn’t really work, because the child likes the attention.
However a smart parent walks off to buy the rest of the groceries and the child soon stops crying and runs after them because sulking and being angry is no-fun when no one cares.
What the parent is doing is rationing the level of attention that child is getting and in doing so, making their attention a scarce commodity!
Right now your ex is having an angry tantrum just like that child, and you should deal with it in the same way. By making your attention a scarce commodity and showing him that you are not going to acknowledge his angry or sulky behavior he is eventually going to give up.
To accelerate the speed in which he gets bored I want you to implement a sense of urgency by looking as though you might move on at any time. This doesn’t have to mean move on with another guy, it can just mean move on and get over your ex permanently.
By indicating that in the near future you might not be interested in your ex you generate a sense of urgency in him that will make him want to re-evaluate how he feels. At that point you may see him see-saw between saying he loves you one day and blaming you for the breakup the next.
This see-sawing is caused by an inner turmoil between him missing you and being unable to overcome his feelings of resentment towards you for causing the breakup.
This leads us to the final step, rapport building!
When your ex-boyfriend starts to see-saw, this is the perfect time to begin ramping up your rapport building with him.
In building rapport with him you are going to win him over and get him to like you again.
I don’t know if you have ever tried staying angry with someone who was being nice to you but it is incredibly tough.
When I was at college I need to go home for the summer break but when I was coming back I was moving into a new apartment.
I needed a place to store all my belongings for a couple of weeks and a friend of mine kindly offered to keep it in their garage before I moved.
The problem was that whilst I was away they had a huge clear-out of the garage and accidentally sold this really rare, signed collectors painting of my favorite sports star which had been a gift for my 21st birthday. As you can imagine I was pretty upset when they told me and I was angry for quite a while but my friend was really persistent in trying to apologize and make up to me.
Every time I saw them they were friendly and kind and incredibly nice and it was really hard to stay angry even though I wanted to sulk a little a bit longer!
What I found was that staying angry was incredibly exhausting and as they were being so nice, it just made my efforts seem childish, so I forgave them.The lesson I want you to learn from this is that it is really hard to stay angry with someone, who is being nice to you.
By trying to build more rapport with your ex by being friendly, staying upbeat, showing concern for them, sidestepping arguments with them and remaining positive, you will eventually build enough rapport to start moving from a situation focused on damage control to attraction building instead.
Once you reach that point you can transition across into the normal texting, phone call and date strategy I that recommend in Ex-Boyfriend Recovery PRO.
Let’s roundup with a quick recap of everything we have covered in the article so you use it to start winning your ex back today.
We started off by talking about how you can use your ex-boyfriends Sphere of Influence to win him over and get him talking to you again. Then we discussed how you can persuade your ex to forgive you by using the principle of reciprocity.
Lastly, we covered the need to squash his sulking by making your attention a scarce commodity, creating a sense of urgency and then building rapport.