A few years ago I noticed an interesting phenomenon with my clients.
It seemed as if exes would want them back after they moved on or gave up.
Until recently I was always a little confused as to why this was but I’ve recently stumbled across three scientific explanations that can not only explain why but can also help us understand why strategies like the no contact rule work so well.
Today I’m going to explain to you why exes seem to come back after you move on or ignore them.
The Three Reasons Exes Come Back After You Move On
There are three big reasons that can explain why exes are drawn to you after you’ve appeared to move on.
Those reasons are,
- They grow interested because of the uncertainty principle
- They are drawn to you because of reactance
- The Zeigarnik Effect creates an open loop they need to close
Like always, I’d be shocked if you knew everything I am talking about.
What I’d like to do now is take each one of these scientific concepts (because that’s really what they are) and dissect them so you can understand how they correlate to your ex growing interested in you when you ignore them or move on.
Concept #1: Your Ex Growing Interested In You Because Of The Uncertainty Principle
The uncertainty principle is without a doubt one of the most underrated principles in ex recovery.
So, what is it?
The Uncertainty Principle: Is a scientific theory designed to help us understand how people react to certain conditions and uncertain conditions.
Perhaps the thing that the uncertainty principle is most popular for is their “rat maze” experiment.
People loved it when I talked about it in my YouTube video above,
So, what is the rat experiment?
Well, scientists wanted to discover how rats reacted to attempting to get cheese by completing two different mazes.
One was very complicated and presented all kinds of uncertain conditions,
The other wasn’t very complicated at all and presented certain conditions,
The results were fascinating.
As it turns out the rat that had the easy maze went over to sniff the cheese and didn’t really eat it for a long time.
On the flip side the rat that had to endure the difficult maze with all kinds of uncertainty devoured the cheese upon finding it.
Well, scientists theorized that because the rat invested time and energy into getting the cheese the rat cherished the reward more than the rat who knew it had a sure thing.
As it turns out this behavior is mirrored in human beings when it comes to breakups.
This article is all about exes showing interest after you have moved on or ignored their attempts to talk to you.
In other words, at first your ex was probably operating under the assumption that they could get you back whenever they wanted.
They thought you were a sure thing.
However, by “moving on” you indicated to them that you weren’t a sure thing.
That uncertainty raises your value.
Concept #2: They Are Drawn To You Because of Reactance
I talk a lot about the concept of reactance to my coaching clients.
And half the time I feel like it goes in one ear and out the other. I’m not saying that to upset anyone I’m just saying it to show you how undervalued I think this concept is.
If you didn’t know,
Reactance: Refers to how people respond when their behavior freedoms become threatened.
Scarcity and reactance kind of walk hand in hand.
Every year the world practically becomes capsized by the concept of “Black Friday.”
Essentially everything in stores is on sale but only for a certain amount of time.
This little “sale” results in behavioral reactions like this,
Everyone jumping over themselves to get the sale.
But what if I were to tell you that the idea of Black Friday only works because of “reactance.”
By limiting one resource human beings will react to obtain it.
Reactance teaches us that when humans have their behavior freedoms threatened they will fight, scratch and claw to get that freedom back.
This is often my big talking point when I am trying to prove to someone that the no contact rule is working but it’s also a great talking point for explaining why exes “suddenly” become interested after it appears to them that you have moved on.
Think about it.
By moving on your ex will believe that any potential future that the two of you had together is gone forever.
The freedom of that future, even if they weren’t totally interested in it, jerks them into reacting.
Concept #3: The Zeigarnik Effect Creates An Open Loop They Need To Close
The Zeigarnik Effect is another huge talking point you’ll hear me rambling about on this website.
Put simply, the zeigarnik effect states that human beings remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed ones.
I’d like to put you through an interesting little thought experiment that I think will highlight this point perfectly.
Pretend for a moment that you invite me to your house,
Now, you let me into your house and as you go to close the door I prevent you from doing so by asking you all kinds of questions.
I then proceed to lead you away from the open door and continue the conversation in a different room.
While I’m talking one thought invades your mind.
I need to close that door and I need to close it as soon as possible.
Your brain keeps coming up with all kinds of scenarios that could potentially come true and they consume your every thought.
Eventually you hit the boiling point and you absolutely have to close the door no matter what.
Why did your brain go through that rigorous process of obsessing about the open door?
Because it was an interrupted task.
This is the zeigarnik effect at work.
Breakups are often left with business unfinished.
One party typically wants to break up more than the other party and as time goes by that fact just gnaws at them. This is especially true if your ex believes he or she didn’t get the proper closure after the breakup.
By moving on you indicate that, that unfinished business will never be completed.
It can drive them nuts and they can react by trying to impress you or win you back.
Recap And Comments
I want you to ask questions.
I want you to be able to get the answers that you deserve. So, please do not be afraid to comment.
I WILL ANSWER YOU!
Ok, lets do a quick recap of everything that I covered in todays article.
- Moving on and having an ex try to win you back is pretty common
- There are three concepts that really are responsible for this.
- The uncertainty Principle
- The idea of reactance
- The zeigarnik effect
Again, I want to reiterate that I expect and want you to comment and ask me your questions. I’m usually very good about responding to people within 24 hours.
So, don’t be afraid.
Also, if you haven’t already watched my video on this topic I’d make sure to do that in tandem with this article.