By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 25th, 2021

Recently I’ve seen several of you asking how you can get over that last hurdle with your ex-boyfriend.

You’ve been texting, talking on the phone, hanging out and going on dates. Everything seems right between you but he isn’t asking to be in a relationship with you yet.

The burning question is why and what can you do about it.

In this article I’m going to be discussing the following topics to help you to overcome the last bastion of resistance with your ex-boyfriend so that you can get back together again: –

  • Reasons he isn’t committing
  • How to know if he is close to commitment
  • Overcoming his resistance
  • The Re-breakup text

You’ve been spending a lot of time talking to your ex-boyfriend lately but things just aren’t coming together the way you had planned. I know how frustrating that can feel but don’t panic, as always there is a way to progress from here.

Let’s start off by looking at the reasons he hasn’t committed yet.

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The Reasons He Hasn’t Committed Yet

Ultimately I determined there are six main reasons for why your ex hasn’t committed to you yet,

Reason #1: It is still too soon

This one happens a lot, frequently women in the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery community forget that reconciliation takes time and their expectations for how quickly getting back together will happen are too high. Sometimes your ex-boyfriend is thinking about commitment but it is too soon for him to take that leap of faith.

In these circumstances patience is essential, as pressure will make him pull away.

Reason #2: The breakup was bad

If you and your ex-boyfriend had a particularly bad breakup, where either of you were extremely hurt by the situation, then it is fair to say that your ex is going to feel very nervous about making a new commitment to you.

Even if you were the one who got hurt, he will feel nervous.

Why….. because he knows that if he changes his mind and breaks up with you again, you will be devastated. Assuming your ex is a nice guy and cares about your feelings he is not going to want to do that and so he will be very cautious about making a commitment until he is 100% certain about being in a relationship with you.

Reason #3: The Other Woman

There is always a chance that your ex-boyfriend could have a new girlfriend. Unfortunately this means he is going to avoid making a commitment to you. If he is still in contact with you then it is likely he is keeping his options open just in case his new relationship fails.

Reason #4: He’s into his freedom more than you

The sound of this one kind of sucks, but it just means that the level of rapport and attraction you have with your ex-boyfriend at the minute, is not enough to make him want to give up his freedom.

Maybe he wants to date around or maybe he just likes hanging with his boys for a beer, whatever it is, right now he is enjoying it a lot more than spending his time on you.

If you can make his life with you more enjoyable than his life without you then you can turn this around.

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Reason #5: Money and career

I think its fair to say that men prioritize careers before relationships when they are younger.

Why?….. because a man’s success is often judged by his ability to provide for a family.
Being able to provide makes a guy feel like a man and he likes the way people look at him when he is successful. They admire his car, his house, his clothes….

In fact, studies have shown that when women are shown two identical photographs of the same man, they will rate him as being more attractive if they believe he is wealthy and successful than if they believe he is not.

Having a career, leads to money and financial security, things that are important to guy who is thinking about his own future. If this is the case, he may see that having a relationship might get in the way of furthering his career. You can get around this by inserting yourself into his career future by being supportive and indispensable.

Reason #6: Sex

This one is really important to talk about, if you are sleeping with your ex-boyfriend already then it is likely that the reason he isn’t giving you the commitment you want is because he already has access to sex.
If you are sleeping with your ex then you are giving him all the benefits of having a girlfriend without the price tag. If you’re sleeping with your ex already then I suggest you take sex off the table immediately so that he starts to chase you again.

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How do I know if he is close to a commitment?

Once you start going on dates and spending time with your ex it can be very exciting; as the end is just on the horizon.

The problem many of you struggle with is knowing when to push forward and when to pull back.

A good way to gauge whether you can push ahead into a commitment is to look at the three factors of a solid relationship.

When you are seeing great signs of rapport, emotional attraction and shared long term compatibility you can keep subtly moving forward but when you are seeing a disconnect then it is time to pull back.

Signs of Rapport

Signs of Emotional Attraction

  • Happy to hangout or talk on the phone
  • He is attentive and puts you first
  • He talks about you to his friends or family
  • He reintroduces you to his friends or family
  • He tells you he “loves” stuff; he shares his feelings about all manner of things
  • He takes care of you and will do you favors
  • Tries to impress you

Signs of Long Term compatibility

  • He talks about the future
  • You have similar views on family and children
  • Your career expectations align
  • You both want to live in the same location
  • You both share or are tolerant of each other religions
  • Similar financial values

If you are seeing signs off all lists then you are looking in great shape for getting your ex-boyfriend back. But clearly there is still a small problem with resistance from your ex so I am going to give you a breakdown of things you can do to overcome his resistance.

Overcoming His Resistance

There are seven areas you can look to leverage whilst re-dating your ex to get him to commit.

It is a good idea to cover all of them rather than just focusing on the one or two you think are relevant.

Why? Because you can never really tell what your ex is thinking!

Fun and Exciting

It seems obvious but you need to keep all the dates with your ex-boyfriend fun and exciting. 
Your time together needs to be packed with enjoyment for you to get your ex back.

If your dates are starting to fall flat, try mixing it up with a fun activity neither of you have ever tried before or going on a day trip.

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By ensuring every moment that your ex spends with you is better than time spent away from you, he will feel he is going to miss out on all the excitement and enjoyment he could be having with you unless he commits.

Sphere of Influence

Getting his friends and family to like you is a fantastic way to get your ex to commit to you.

When a guy is thinking about commitment one of his key considerations is going to be “Does she get on with my friends”. If you can get them to like you then he is more likely to take you back because your relationship has the potential to last.

Using his Sphere of Influence will also help you to indirectly convince your ex to commit as they will put pressure on him to make things official with you. Sphere of Influence is a double bonus situation because of this.

Investment And Rewards

By increasing the number of investments your ex makes in you whether that be time, effort or money, you will increase the chances of getting back together with your ex.

This is because as humans we all appreciate things that we have to work for.

To get your ex re-investing over and over again, you should reward him for his efforts. This is called the Principle of Positive Reinforcement and it works because when we get enjoyment from something, we are more likely to do it again.

Positive Reinforcement is the same approach you take when training a puppy. Each time the puppy sits or does a trick, you would normally give it a treat.

I want you to do this with your ex-boyfriend. Every time he invests time, effort or money, you should reward him with a treat which is going to give him the motivation to want to make further investments in you. That treat could be a compliment, more attention, or a date….. pretty much anything other than sex.


Quite often one of the reasons your ex-boyfriend isn’t committing, is that you are too available. This is particularly relevant if you are already sleeping with him.

If you are too available you will seem less attractive to your ex, this is because the situation feels too easy…. there is no chase for your ex-boyfriend to engage with. Chasing is only worthwhile when something is running away from you!

Remember what I said above “we all appreciate things that we have to work for”… well if you are too available then your ex isn’t having to work very hard.

It could be that you answer his texts or phone calls too quickly. It could be that you are always free when he asks to see you or are willing to cancel your existing plans. It could even be that you are already sleeping together. Whatever the reason, presently the fact that you are too available is killing your chances of getting more investment from him.

Why?…….. Because he currently doesn’t need to invest to get your attention.

You can easily fix this by ensuring that you continue to be the Ungettable Girl and maintain momentum in relation to the Holy Trinity of heath, wealth and relationships …. Basically, by having a life away from him.

Go out and date other guys whilsy you are not in a committed relationship, this will trigger his jealousy and make him want to lock down a relationship with you.

I do not recommend going out and dating other guys if your breakup was caused by cheating on your behalf, but for all other circumstances I think keeping your options open and dating other men will keep your ex on his toes and also boost your confidence.

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Injecting yourself into his future

Sometimes an ex-boyfriend can really love being around you but still struggle to envision a future with you in it. When this happens, you need to get creative about how you can find ways to show him that a future is possible.

For example.

  • If you were long distance, perhaps you could talk about job opportunities you have seen in his area.
  • If your breakup was due to his career, find ways to demonstrate support for that career.
  • If he has always wanted to travel, think of ways you could highlight how that could work together.
  • If you have religious or cultural differences, find ways to demonstrate that they can be overcome

If you are able to create a vision for the future that includes you in it, your ex-boyfriend is more likely to want to actually fulfill that vision by committing to a relationship with you.


It is quite common that once you undergo your Ungettable Girl transformation your ex will feel nervous.

Your ex-boyfriend will feel nervous because there is a risk that you are now out of his league and could reject him or that other men will now find you irresistible and steal you away from him. This is a real concern for your ex and it will make him nervous on some level as rejection can seriously dent a man’s ego.

Obviously, you don’t want to regress and go back to being the old you, you need to continue being the Ungettable Girl as this is super attractive.

The approach you want to take is to give him some encouragement and reassurance that you are looking for a relationship too, once you are at the dating stage with your ex it is okay to start opening up a little and sharing some of your vulnerabilities if he asks.

The Qualities He Wants In A Girlfriend

I mentioned this concept in a previous article. The concept is called the fifth element…

Because you need to do more than just the Holy Trinity of the Ungettable Girl, you need to demonstrate :-

  • Health
  • Wealth
  • Relationships
  • The features he already liked about you (your core appeal)

The Fifth Element

The fifth element is the magical extra fairy dust that elevates your from being just another girl he casually dates….. to being the best girlfriend ever.

The fifth element is made up of the list of qualities an ex-boyfriend will be looking for in a potential life partner. Every man’s list is different but there is list of basic’s you need to start off with.

  1. Sense of humor
  2. Easy going
  3. Physically attractive
  4. Trustworthy
  5. Kind
  6. Intelligent
  7. Affectionate
  8. Confident
  9. Independent
  10. Knows her own mind
  11. Fun personality
  12. Emotionally stable
  13. Makes him feel like a man
  14. Allows him his freedom
  15. Appreciative

You know your ex best so have a think about any extra qualities your ex-boyfriend might want to find in a woman he commits to.

Try and find ways to demonstrate to your ex-boyfriend you possess all the qualities he is looking for. This is a great way to get your ex wanting to commit to you.

The Re-Breakup Text

There are rare occasions when a woman will try all the seven ways to break down her ex’s resistance towards making a commitment and still not progress beyond casual dating.

If you have tried all of them for an extended period of time, and by that, I mean weeks and months not just a few dates then you can try the Re-breakup Text.

This is one of those “all or bust” type approaches that should only be attempted when all other avenues have been exhausted.

In the Re-breakup text you are going to steal the potential for a relationship from your ex-boyfriend. This concept is based up the Principle of Scarcity, because all people desire what is rare and unobtainable.

Think of all those luxury items you have coveted over the years…. Would you have still wanted them as much if they were easily affordable and everybody had them?

Probably not.
The reason you wanted them was because of their rarity, it was their exclusivity that made them desirable.

By using the Re-breakup text to remove the possibility of a relationship with your ex you will make him desire it more. The Re-breakup text is designed to shock him into reconsidering whether he wants to be in a relationship with you before it is too late.

Your text should be positive, calm and open about what you are looking for. It is not supposed to be an ultimatum to your ex.

Here is an example of what you might want to say in the Re-breakup text to your ex: –

You will see in the example that the re-breakup text is kind and calm. It’s focus is very much on putting your desires first but doing so in a respectful manner.

If you’re going to send a re-breakup text it should convey that you are not pressuring him for a commitment but are in fact setting him free and allowing him the space away from you.

This works by reverse psychology, by setting him free he is more likely to want to return.

After you have sent your re-breakup text you should then implement a mini no-contact period to give your ex-boyfriend time to reflect.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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I feel as though we have covered a lot of different ways you can get your ex to commit to you once you have started dating.

We have covered off the reasons he is currently avoiding commitment, the signs you need to look for to identify if he close to making a commitment.

We have also discussed the 7 levers to help you overcome his resistance to commitment and finally we have talked about sending the Re-breakup text when all other methods have failed.

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56 thoughts on “What Do I Do Or Say To Get My Ex Back Into A Committed Relationship?”

  1. sarahhh

    November 9, 2017 at 5:33 pm

    Not sure if this is relevant, but he also said that he’s not seeing anyone right now but he bought a condoms because “that’s what single guys do”..
    But before that when we were talking about our lives, he said that all he does is work, go home, sleep/eat, work, repeat. When we were dating he was always busy with work and so it’s no surprise that now that we’re broken up, he’s even more busy with work.
    But ya point is, all he does is work and he’s not meeting girls.
    whereas I am meeting other people and hanging out with guys… He saw one the day we ran into eachother.
    Not sure if this info helps in getting him back…

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 12, 2017 at 11:28 pm

      Hi Sarahhh,

      it looks like he got interested when he bumped into you in the mall because it seemed like you changed, and then you went too fast when you agreed to go to his place.. You have to be hard to get so that he’ll want to chase.. And asking him if you could hang out looked like you were hoping to get back together. Although that’s true, you have to avoid sounding and looking like you’re chasing him. I know it hurts, but I have to say it so you’ll keep it mind and avoid doing it again.. Continue building rapport but take it slow. Be the ungettable girl. Fun to be with, but not easy to get.

  2. sarahhh

    November 9, 2017 at 5:24 pm

    Hi Amor,
    I’ve posted on here many times but here is my current situation..
    We’ve dated for over 2 years, we broke up once before last year, and now we are broken up again for 4 months now. I did NC, and after NC I reached out once but his texts were neutral and so I never reached out again. During the 4 months, I have been improving and posting lots… even though he’s not following me on Instagram, I can see that he creeps my instagram stories sometimes. Anyway, the last time I reached out happened in September. Just a few days ago, (end of Oct), I ran into him at the mall and I was with another guy he has never met before. Running into him was the first time I saw him in months and so I was a little panicked, and so was he. But we made small talk, and he seemed happy to run into me. I suggested we catch up and he agreed. Later that night he texted me, and our texts went back a forth (a little flirty as well) and he suggested we meet up in a few days.
    Yesterday was the day we met up. We met at the mall, grabbed take out, and went back to his place (because he moved and wanted to show me). We ended up talking for hours, catching up and laughing. It felt very comfortable. He sat close to me, touched my arms saying how skinny I got, said I smelled the same and he liked it, etc. He admitted that he missed me sometimes, and gets sad sometimes that we’re not together. We ended up making out and almost having sex, but he stopped it because he didn’t want to hurt me and he didn’t want to be confused. He admitted that we can’t get back together unless we are different people, which we are not. He said “we’re not going to get back together right now, and we’re not getting back together in 6 months…” He’s also scared that we might go back to the way things were. And so I think he’s hesitant about us hanging out/being friends.
    That night he said things like “I feel closer to you and I like it but I dont want it” and when i asked him “do you think we can hangout like we are right now because you don’t have feelings for me anymore” he answered “im always going to have some feelings for you” and he said that he feels so comfortable and himself when he’s with me, and he’s only like that with his brother and two of his childhood friends.

    I’m not sure how to proceed… it seems like he still has some feelings for me AND he’s obviously attracted to me…Should I continue to be just friends with him? Should I do NC again? Please help me! I don’t know how to act around him after this! I’m scared that our hangout scared him and he won’t want to talk to me anymore 🙁

  3. wl

    November 4, 2017 at 3:50 pm

    Hi Amor. We broke up for almost 5 months. Does the no contact rule even help when he says that he is clearly not into a relationship anymore for now? Wont he just forget abt us?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 5, 2017 at 6:48 am

      take it that he has moved on and yes nc can still help if you can make it seem like you have moved on too.

  4. WL

    November 3, 2017 at 7:26 pm

    Hi Amor. Does the no contact rule help ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 4, 2017 at 1:08 am

      Hi Wl,

      yes, it does.

  5. Aida

    October 30, 2017 at 10:34 pm

    Hi! I’ve done a lot of mistakes with my ex (pleading, begging, writing letter etc.) but lately we’ve started seeing each other again. We’ve had dinners and afterward we’ve had sex. One week ago I decided to back off, since it was too painful not hearing from him for 4 or 5 days after our nights together. Trying NC was obviously very effective since he texted, liked photos on Instagram and even reached out to me on Facebook when I didn’t answer during just 12 hours. Now when I am cool he contacts me almost every day. What shall I do? Is it still time for NC or are we in this situation that he is close to commit? He wants to have dinner and I just answered that I have a lot to do now and that I would love a dinner but not right now. He says he understands but that he finds it strange that I am so distant now. He likes everything on Insta and sends me pics and that kind of things just to get a reaction (I think). Me cooling off appears to be very effective, but I don’t know if we are in this dating period or what we are. Thanks in advance.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 1, 2017 at 6:45 pm

      Hi Aida,

      Yup you should do nc

  6. WL

    October 22, 2017 at 3:13 am

    Hi . I felt like my ex is more into his freedom more than me. He said he dint want to commit now because relationship is tiring. He prefer hanging out with his friends more for now. How can i get him to commit ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 24, 2017 at 3:39 pm

      Do you want to do the no contact rule?

  7. Ane

    July 30, 2017 at 9:22 am

    Additionally his birthday is tomorrow and I’m wondering whether I should ask him to get together to celebrate it?

    1. Ane

      August 19, 2017 at 6:12 pm

      ah okay I ised your casual apology approach. The only issue is I feel that we are going backwards. After the texting phase, things were going well in the dating phase, seeing each other once a week for 2 months. However now he’s been less responsive when I suggest a hang out or hint at a date. So now I’ve gone back to the texting phase to wait for him to intiate plans. Does the fact that I’ve had to go backwards in the ex recovery plan mean that it didn’t work and I should give up? I don’t want to but the results aren’t great at the moment and I can’t understand why.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 22, 2017 at 6:50 pm

      That’s actually how it should be.. after the meet up phase, you’ll continue building up rapport again whether in texts or calls before another meet up

    3. Ane

      August 18, 2017 at 9:50 am

      I went back to building rapport. We were having a good chat and I decided to leave as he was saying bye since it was going very well. After 2 days of not contacting I decided to initiate and he mentioned he was angry that I didn’t even say bye. Then he didn’t even look at my reply. He’s clearly angry. I thought I was leaving at the highpoint? Did I do it wrong? Should I apologize and explain myself?

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 18, 2017 at 5:43 pm

      if it’s not a serious talk, a casual apology will do.. Like, Oh sorry, something came up at that time.. but that’s a good sign because apparently he waited for you last text

    5. Ane

      August 11, 2017 at 9:28 am

      I’m very confused. A few weeks ago I stayed over at his place as it was late. We didnt do anything but he wanted to. Ever since then hes been not putting in as much effort. Not planning dates. Cancelling last minute if I make plans. And not making any effort during our texting conversations. He has recently had quite a serious health scare and is currently working through it. Should I back off during this time? I feel like we’re losing a lot of forward momentum that I had built. I dont want to restart the no contact rule but is there any other way to assert my value and get back on track?

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 11, 2017 at 5:01 pm

      either he just wanted to sleep with you and now that he didn’t get it, of course he would not be investing anymore. Or he’s just more focused in his health now

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 31, 2017 at 3:14 pm

      If he’s not replying, it’s a risk to ask him out.. Rest for a week before initiating again

  8. Ane

    July 16, 2017 at 3:16 pm

    I´m just wondering what would be an appropriate way to turn down sexual behaviour while still keeping him chasing after me? He mentioned that I am a tease the other day and I feel the relationship turning in a direction I do not want it to go in. I mentioned I needed time to sleep with him but he cant seem to understand why. Is there a more ungettable girl type way of phrasing that I want to take a step backwards and wait for commitment first?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 18, 2017 at 8:57 pm

      avoid putting yourself in a situation where you can’t avoid but doing it. If it’s just with words, use humor or change the topic.

  9. rori

    July 8, 2017 at 11:49 pm

    hey guys thank you alot for the support ^^ …. so after the NC i went to see the aunt of my ex and he was there so we talked a little bit then i went home the next dy he sent me a txte saying ” thnx again for your visite it was nice seeing you re still beautiful i hope i ll see you soon ” then we started talking again and 3 days later we had sex .. but after that when i asked him like are we getting back together or what ? he said he doesn t wanna commit yet and that he wants a breack ( the NC was about 40 days ) and now im the one who sends him texts and he always answer me late so i dont know wht to do … should i pull off or keep texting him ? also i don t know what to talk about because i dont wanna look like a too avelable girl also he sends short answers .. so what should i do ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 9, 2017 at 7:04 pm

  10. Ane

    July 6, 2017 at 11:12 pm

    Hi Amor,

    Things have been going quite well. My ex and I have been hanging out a little and the attraction. However, I can’t seem to get him to ask me on a romantic date. Normally his idea is always to watch a movie. I have many ideas for romantic dates and am tempted to ask him on one…namely a picnic at a lookout point. However should I refrain from doing so? Should he be planning all the dates or is it supposed to be 50/50 in asking each other out?

    1. Ane

      July 30, 2017 at 9:20 am

      Hi Amor,

      I’m really confused. Things were going very well with my ex and I as the attraction was building. However after our last date things have dropped off significantly. Suddenly we havent been texting as much, or he’s been reading my messages and not replying. He hasn’t initiated any dates for 3 weeks (granted I’ve been on holiday for 1 of those weeks) and he seems like his interest has significantly dropped off. I’m still trying to make improvements so I’m not quite sure what happened to the attraction? Should I go into a mini no contact of 15 days to reset? At present he hasn’t even looked at my last text (sent 2 days ago) let alone read it and not replied.

    2. Ane

      July 10, 2017 at 11:22 pm

      Great answer Amor!

      However I think I may have made a mistake and need some advice. Things have been going well. Theres definitely a spark between my ex and I. But we have started kissing after him initiating it. Now we kiss a lot everytime we see each other and the last few dates where we’ve been watching movies at his place he has asked if i want to stay over. He knows sex is off the table so to convince me to sleep over he actually told me he wouldn’t touch me at all so its safe for me. So I stayed for a little the first time but then left during the night as I felt this was a mistake. The second time I stayed a little and we made out intensly in bed. Things got quite hot and heavy. We disnt have sex but he really wanted to. What I’m worried about is it seems its moving in the direction of friends with benefits. I’m still trying to be the ungettable girl & make improvements but i think i may have slipped up by entering into this physical bond. I guess the only thing is that it feels amazing when we kiss because we have this intense spark and he is actually extremely affectionate as well, holding my hand, stroking my hair, giving me his jacket etc when its cold. Should I stop kissing him altogether? What should I say to make the boundaries more clear in order to get the commitment first?

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 14, 2017 at 11:33 am

      Avoid staying in his place for too long.. Go out instead and do other things

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 9, 2017 at 3:58 pm

      it’s ok to ask him, just don’t go like, hey can we go on a date? Just ask casually. Like, let’s go this yadayada park today! I’m so wanting to eat peacefully there.