Today we’re going to be talking about if dumpers come back after a breakup.
The truth is that truly mutual breakups are incredibly rare which leaves us with two options,
- The Dumper
- The Dumpee
If you’re the dumpee, read on to learn whether you can get your dumper back and exactly how to raise your chances of success.
But most important we’re going to look at how often dumpers can potentially come back.
Do dumpers come back after a breakup?
Yes, they can absolutely come back.
Now that you feel relieved, let’s talk a bit about why I feel so confident in saying that.
Honestly, I feel like I’m one of the most qualified people to answer this because around 80% of my overall audience (including our websites, YouTube channel, and podcasts) are people who have been dumped.
I’ve been doing this for almost a decade now so there’s obviously a reason for that: our success stories. We have helped a lot of dumpees get their exes back and in fact, you can hop over to my YouTube channel and scroll through my Success Stories playlist for some inspiration.
The playlist includes about hour-long interviews with our success stories where I ask them exactly what they did that worked to get their exes back.
I never go into these interviews looking for validation for my practice, it’s more of a general learning opportunity for me too.
About 90% of those success story videos are from the perspective of the dumpee or someone who was dumped by an ex so if you’re wondering whether dumpers come back after a breakup the answer is a resounding YES.
What is the general average amount of time that they’ll come back?
We’ve already established that dumpers can come back after a breakup but it’s probably more helpful to understand what the average chances of that are.
Unfortunately, there’s very little reputable research on exes getting back together, but over the past ten years I’ve been able to find a few different trusted studies, and here’s what I learned:
If you average all the reputable research on the ex recovery process and chances of getting your ex back, there’s about a 43.5% chance your ex will come back without doing anything.
Those aren’t exactly betting odds.
That means six out of ten times you’re probably not going to get your ex back.
But does that mean that’s the overall chance of success if you do things the right way? It’s not, especially if you follow our advice/program.
This year, Coach Anna and I coached hundreds of individuals and we have had a 70% success rate!
So, 70% of our clients got their exes back.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that they stayed together for the long term, just that they got back together at some point.
This is not necessarily a fair comparison because these are people who are paying us to give them undivided attention. So, when you look at the success rate for ex-boyfriend recovery as a whole, it’s probably much lower than that mark.
But either way, for people who are serious about trying to win their exes back this year, about 7 out of 10 have succeeded.
This varies every year but your average chances of getting your ex back together will always be higher if you’re making some dedicated efforts as opposed to doing nothing.
Yet, even among people who try to do the right thing, some succeed, and some don’t.
Why is that?
What is separating successful people from unsuccessful people?
After talking to many of these different success stories and understanding what they’re doing versus what they’re not doing, we have found three clear patterns that can help you dramatically improve your chances of success.
I do want to give a short disclaimer before we get into these three patterns though: the 7 out of 10 average for people getting their exes back is not normal.
In fact, there is no “normal” since every situation is different so we cannot guarantee that you will get your ex back.
All we can do is equip you with tried-and-tested techniques so you can play the perfect chess match.
Sometimes you’ll just be up against a chess grandmaster and you can’t win but at the end of the day, it’s about making YOUR best effort.
With that out of the way, here are the three patterns we’ve noticed from our success stories:
Pattern #1: People who successfully win their exes back let go
Now, what do I mean by letting go? Well, ultimately it means seeing your ex as a human being with faults and working on yourself instead of putting them up on a pedestal.
Most people who get dumped put their exes up on a pedestal because they feel rejected and give their exes unnecessary power.
The more you crave your ex’s approval, the harder it is to let go.
On the other hand, successful people go through this depressive period too when they have been broken up with but eventually, they get to a point where they stop caring.
They become so confident in themselves and the work they’ve done that they ultimately let go.
Lo and behold, that’s exactly when their ex comes crawling back.
It’s the classic “people want what they can’t have” dynamic where their ex starts paying attention to them when they no longer ask for it.
Pattern #2: They rewire the way they look at problems
Here’s something obvious that shouldn’t come as a shock to you:
When you try to get back someone who dumped you, you WILL hit a few roadblocks and obstacles along the way.
Things won’t always go your way and it’s something you should anticipate and prepare yourself for. We can almost guarantee that something will go wrong and how you handle those potential roadblocks or problems will determine your overall chances of success.
The successful people tend not to look at these roadblocks as world-ending events, they actually look at them as fun problems that they can solve. To them it’s not about succeeding, it’s about having fun and doing the best possible job they can do in solving this particular problem.
Now, this is an extremely hard mindset to achieve when you’re feeling super emotional after getting rejected. It’s okay to feel hurt, but successful people can channel those feelings to reframe whatever problems come their way.
For example, let’s say your ex blocks you.
An unsuccessful person would just sulk and act like it’s all over since they can’t reach out to their ex anymore. A successful person on the other hand will say, “okay it sucks that they blocked me. How can I get them to unblock me?”
Their brain immediately sees it as an opportunity to experiment and figure out this problem because they view it as a temporary setback to climb over on their road to success.
Pattern#3: They achieve a flow state in the no contact rule
I’m always talking about the no contact rule and how effective ignoring your ex can be, but we don’t talk nearly enough about why it works so well.
The ultimate aspect of the no contact rule that makes it so powerful is the work you do on yourself. It’s shifting the focus from your ex onto yourself.
Once you get into the momentum of living your life for yourself, you’ll become a whole different person whose world doesn’t revolve around their ex. Interestingly, that will also make you more attractive to your ex.
What exactly do I mean when I say getting in a flow state or momentum in the no contact rule though?
Well, we’ve all heard of or seen athletes when they’re in the “zone.”
They’re so hyper-focused on something that nothing can bother them.
Their self-doubt disappears and at that moment, they almost feel at one with the universe. Time moves faster for them and they’re almost confused at the end because they totally lost track of time in how much fun they were having and how satisfied they were!
Your goal should be to feel that way during the no contact rule. Successful people tend to view no contact in this way by focusing on specific tasks to get them into this flow state where they’re just flowing from one thing to the next. They feel like they can do no wrong and can excel at whatever they put their mind to. Their ex is the least of their concerns as they’re probably focusing on one specific aspect of their holy trinity.
Your holy trinity is the concept of the three most important categories in your life – health, wealth, and relationships.
A successful person will fully throw themselves into something like improving their physique or getting a huge promotion at work. Everything they do will revolve around achieving a single goal and usually, this goal will give them the strength and confidence to boost other aspects of their holy trinity too. It almost creates a high in how they feel about themselves after the no contact rule is complete.
So much so that sometimes we have a hard time getting them to even try to contact their exes again because they’ve let go. They’re too focused on bettering themselves in this flow state of self-improvement. And guess what? All this self-improvement is bound to attract others, especially an ex.
Dumpers can definitely come back after a breakup as so many of our success stories can attest. Here’s a quick recap of the three characteristics of dumpees who successfully get their exes back:
- They let their ex go – taking their ex off the pedestal
- They change the way they look at problems – approaching setbacks in the ex recovery process as fun problems to solve
- They achieve a flow state in the no contact rule – focusing on specific tasks related to themselves to the point their ex becomes an afterthought