What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back

How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back If He Is A Narcissist

As you go through life, people let you down.

Hearts get broken. Jobs come and go. Sometimes Life just sucks.

And sometimes the people who are supposed to care about you end up being the ones that hurt the most.

And sometimes you let them.

I’ve dated more than my fair share of narcissists.

And let me tell you, dating a narcissist is not a fairy tale relationship. It is nothing like the romance in movies or books.

I talk to the people on our site every single day and every single person who has gone through a crappy breakup asks themselves (and me) if they didn’t do something to deserve it. people who find themselves loving a narcissist, they get hung up on this idea that there is some cosmic force that is doling out karma for something they did in the past.

You know who thinks the world revolves around them?

Well, it’ s kind of a narcissistic way of seeing the world.

Anyways, if you’ve been through a breakup with a narcissist, or even thought you were, there are a frew things you should consider.

How to Spot a Narcissist

Firstly, narcissist aren’t rare these days, but it’s not like they come with warning And whether you aren’t sure if your ex is one, or you are sure and you want to be able to avoid them in the future, you have to know how to recognize a narcissist.

Recognizing Narcissists in Relationships

Overprojecting Self Image

Narcissists are usually struggling with insecurity. The people that care about them usually get the brunt of it. When in relationships they tend to make the person in it with them feel that same insecurity. It doesn’t stop there. The other people in their life that care about them generally have to fight to feel as if the feeling is returned.

Fear of the Feels

These days, everyone is is afraid of catching the feels. But feelings hit all of us, lots of them with normal every day interactions.

Narcissists like to feel like they are in control of themselves and the people around them. So, when they start feeling like they are being influenced by other people, challenges their sense of self-reliance.

You’ll learn to recognize it when they are hit with feelings and retreat into themselves, perhaps even push you away or lash out in anger.

Forced Perfection

Another common tendency is to look for perfection when dating and in friendships. Either in a quest to have it rub off on them or to be considered perfect by association. But the downside to this is that no one will ever live up to that ideal forever.
Few experiences in life prepare you for feeling the fixated disappointment of a narcissist.
You can recognize this because it comes along with any pressure to conform.

Recognizing Narcissists in General

Overwhelming Need For Control

Narcissists can’t bear to hand the reigns over to anyone else in any situation. They orchestrate people and situations into an outcome that they want. And when they don’t get what they want, they lash out. There are a few obvious red flags. There are certain topics you don’t feel like you can talk with him about. And you don’t feel like it’s okay to make choices.

A Messed Up Past

Yeah we all have problems. But insecure and abusive personalities are usually born from neglect or abuse.

If you’re dating someone and their childhood story makes no sense or seems to be TOO perfect to be true, then it is likely that they are painting it that way for a reason.

The Lessons You Learn From Dating Narcissists

If we’re getting real here, I wouldn’t suggest dating a narcissist at all. But hey, we like what we like, right?

If You Don’t Draw Lines, Then All of Your Boundaries are Going to be Set By Other People

I learned this the hard way… twice… maybe three times. Basically, what I am saying, is that it’s true. You get the type of treatment that you accept from people. However, once you let a narcissist treat you poorly, it’s basically impossible to change the way that they see you, short of simply walking away.

It’s important that you decide how you want to be treated and then stick to it. If you like someone, but they don’t respect you, then it’s time to find someone who does.

Drawing lines in any relationship is important.

Trying to Change Someone to Be Happier Will Only Make You Unhappy

That being said, I know that it isn’t easy to walk away from someone that you have already grown attached to. So, you try to rewrite the way that they see you. It’s human nature to try and fix things. I mean, if people didn’t think this way, ExRecovery wouldn’t even exist.

There is one thing that is different with a narcissist.

They don’t like change, least of all change instigated by someone else. It makes them feel out of control.

Basically, If you don’t like the way things are or who he is, then leave. Walk away and find someone who respects and appreciates you.

Showing Affection Isn’t Being Needy

There is a fine line between being affectionate and being clingy these days. We joke about it, but the stereotype of being an “overly attached” girl friend has made all of us fear scaring someone away. But being with a narcissist is like dating a cat.

“Love me!! Adore me!! But not like that… or that… or that…”

Caring about the person you are dating is supposed to be a given, but narcissist don’t care if you care. They thrive off of telling you what you can or can’t do.

Like I said before, there are inconsistencies with the way they describe their lives.  Narcissists are chameleons. They tell their lives like stories and make them into what they need them to be to get the outcome they want. Dating is more about having control than it is about creating a partnership, which is really what a relationship should be.

The point here is, even people who can’t handle emotions will make an effort to if they really care about you and you can’t make them.

Rejection Isn’t Necessarily About You

Narcissists don’t see connection as a good thing. For them, even the slightest push towards connection is like being suffocated. And when they inevitably push you away and withdraw, the utter sting of rejection hits.

But the truth is, it’s not about you. It’s about them. You have to learn not to push so hard.

Don’t Let Anyone Tell You That Something That Matters To You Isn’t Important

So, you started seeing this guy and after a while you realize that absolutely all of your interests have changed. Narcissists have a natural charisma. They can get you to do what they want, and even things you really don’t want to do, and make you think it was your idea. Three weeks into dating, you notice that you have suddenly picked up new interests and are convince that that thing you have liked doing for most of your life is just “not that worth it” anymore.

Learn from a million people who have dated a narcissist or two.

(Newsflash: I’m one of the ones that made the mistake of dating more than a few of them.)

If you love doing something (that isn’t harmful to you or anyone else), don’t let ANYONE tell you that it isn’t important or isn’t AS important as whatever they find more important. That isn’t how a healthy relationship works.

There is Absolutely No Point In Arguing With a Narcissist

Narcissists are always right… or at least they think they are.

And you can’t convince them other wise, no mater how much thought you put into your side of things.

Don’t tell me that you haven’t stood in the shower coming up with all of the things you should have done or said again after a disagreement.

With a narcissist you never get to say any of those things and if you do, and if you do they just respond with anger.

Having Chemistry Isn’t a Foundation

A lot of the time when you ask someone why they left someone, they’ll say th mlkat “the spark just wasn’t there anymore” or “there just wasn’t ever a spark.”

Well, that “spark” is just the passion of a new relationship, and narcissists are great at making people feel that spark even when it isn’t there for them. They are charismatic and are basically chameleons. They can blend in with anyone and make them feel like they are loved and cared for.  Except with narcissists, they don’t invest much into relationships. So, that spark doesn’t last very long on their end.

Knowing this isn’t really a lesson for the relationship you lost. It’s more like a warning for any future relationships. Don’t get with or stay with someone simply because you have chemistry, If you feel less than appreciated you should redefined what you are willing to accept from the people in your life overall.

What it boils down to is that we make to many exceptions for this simply because we love someone, devaluing ourselves simply to keep someone in 0ur lives. And that is… well, it’s sad.

Forgiving  Yourself is Imperative

The last thing, but a pretty important lesson I’ve learned is that you have to learn to be able to forgive yourself.

There is a difference in holding yourself accountable and punishing yourself for things that are out of your control. The women I talk to every day blame themselves for not being able to make narcissist (or even just guys who are jerks) happy. They think that it is their responsibility to change them.

That isn’t how the world works.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve known a few addicts in my life. Some of them were big people in my life. I have found myself to be a supportive friend or family member in more than one support group over my adult life. And there was a thing that was said in those meetings that I think applies here. It’s called the serenity prayer. I can’t remember the entire thing, but this is the gist of it…

“…grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference”

Or if you prefer the wisdom of my nephew…

“You can’t pick your friends. You can pick your nose. But your can’t (or rather shouldn’t try to) pick your friend’s nose.”

To be clear, what I am trying to say is that you should recognize that what you do and don’t have control over.

You can change your mind at any moment in your life. You can alter who you are. But outside of your own tiny little bubble you can only attempt to influence.

If someone is treating you crappily or not respecting you, you can’t make them. You can only make it clear that you won’t accept it, that you would walk away even. I think that is part of why No Contact is so effective.

Exes realizing that their partners are willing to walk away from the things that hurt them.

You can change your own mind and your own life, but you can only make the people around you consider it and make that choice on their own.

Quick Review

Now, I know that some of you will want your ex back even if he is narcissistic and doesn’t treat you right. And that is your choice. But I will tell you right now that even if you do, you will find yourself making sacrifices and losing the things that make you you.

Generally speaking, if you take these lessons and decide that you can do better, you will have an arsenal of these lessons to help you build a relationship rather than let the person you are with make all of the decisions.

Let’s review.

How to Recognize a Narcissist

They made a serious effort to make you feel insecure.

He freaks anytime he starts to get the feels

He started the relationship putting you on a pedestal, but at some point he realized that that wasn’t really you.

He has an overwhelming need to control everything.

He has a messed up past but they omit the parts that remind them that their life may not be ideal.

Lessons from Dating a Narcissist

Know what you are and aren’t willing to accept from the people in your life and don’t make exceptions for anyone.

Trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change ends badly

No one is going to love you exactly the way you love them. But if he is punishing you for loving him differently then you should walk away.

Narcissists think the world revolves around them, they rarely make decisions based on other people. Rejection from a narcissist isn’t about you.

If it matters to you, then don’t let anyone tell you that it shouldn’t… ever.

You can’t really win an argument with a Narcissist about anything.

Feeling a spark with someone isn’t the same as building a relationship. And fighting to keep a dead flame alive basically ends up with you fanning ashes to exhaustion.

You HAVE to forgive yourself for the things that are your fault. Otherwise, you will hold onto that feeling forever.

Now, I know that we didn’t really talk about what to do with this info. And that is because it’s simple.

  1. If you think you are with a narcissist, find out for sure using the information in this article.
  2. If they turn out to be, now is the time to decide what you will accept from people, respect or lack of it.
  3. Then go from there.

Alright. Go be the powerful women I know you all to be.

	https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Ashley.jpg	

Written by EBR Teamate

EBR Team Member: Ashley

17 thoughts on “How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back If He Is A Narcissist”

  1. Rosie

    October 23, 2017 at 7:27 pm

    Hello to the whole EBR team. I’ve already asked for advice once but I think I did sth wrong and my comment wasn’t posted. I’m sorry this is going to be a really long one, but I’m just really worn out and lost. I don’t know what’s important to the story and what’s not so I’m just gonna try to briefly describe the whole 4 years of my and my ex’es relationship.
    I am 24 and he is 22. We met 4 years ago and were best friends ever since. It was even more miraculous that we live in countries that are thousands of miles apart. We met during a camp and he kissed me the evening he was leaving, but then told me we won’t work out because of the distance and so we stayed friends, even tho I loved him through all of the time. 2 years later I visited him. He couldn’t resist me and so we decided to give this relationship a try, even tho we kept it hidden. I left and we continued being long distance for 4 months. Then he drifted away, finally telling me he doesn’t feel in love anymore and he broke up with me. We didn’t have any contact for 2 months, then he hit me up with the talk about the beautiful friendship we had and how it would be a shame to waste it. 3 months later I managed to reattract him and he asked me to be his gf again. So I visited again, because he couldn’t leave the country due to the political situation in his country. This time we were official, we told his friends and family. They, especially his mother, were against it. We procceeded to be a couple tho. Then I found out he kept in touch with a girl he used to be in ‘friends with benefits’ relationship with during the 2 years of us being ‘just friends’. He was telling her things like how important for him she is and how much he cares to keep her in his life, even tho he promised me the two of them don’t keep in touch anymore. I also lost my virginity with him, thinking he is a virgin too, because he hid their relationship from me and he told me it’s a first time for him too. I felt betrayed and wanted to leave him. But he cried and begged me to stay, promising he won’t do it again and that he would die without me. My heart broke at the sight and I agreed to stay. But nothing was the same ever since, I was jealous and controlling. He was lying to me from time to time, his family didn’t accept me, he wasn’t sure if he is ready to leave the country for me. We were fighting more and more often and the situation was driving me more and more crazy. Finally he met a girl who lived near him, and so he started to text her good morning or taking her to restaurants. He was giving her more attention than he was giving to me, while lying to me he’s not talking to her at all because he knew it’s cheating by my definition. Basically I treated him like he is doing everything wrong for the last 6 months of our relationship and he was treating me like a gnat. Finally he told me he’s sick of this relationship, he wouldn’t leave with me anyway, that he doesn’t feel anything for me anymore and he doesn’t want to stop contacting this girl. I wanted to fix my mistakes but he said it is too late, that we aren’t meant for each other. And that he doesn’t want to fix the mistakes he made. He said we always try to fix things but it all turns to shit eventually and that we should go our separate ways. He said we could be friends tho. I said as long as he keeps in touch with that girl, I don’t wanna know him because I’m not gonna stand by and watch their relationship blossom. He said it’s my choice and it was a goodbye. Then he just texted me best wishes before my master’s defending. I just said thanks and he wanted to continue the conversation but I didn’t reply, I felt too hurt. Then I texted him happy birthday and he also only answered with thanks, without any further conversation. That was a month ago and none of us reached out. I am so confused because he basically goes from telling me that I’m the love of his life to telling me I don’t mean anything to him every few months. Idk if it’s because we are long distance or if he is just an immature womanizer. I don’t know if getting him back makes any sense or if he is just no good for me. And even if it does, Idk if a month of NC is enough because it was like the worst breakup in history with me going crazy and us offending each other. Maybe I should wait 2 or 3 months? What should be my approach? Help me!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 23, 2017 at 11:56 pm

      Hi Rosie,

      Restart nc, do at least 45 days, be active in improving yourself and in posting in social media sites where posts lasts and then initiate contact after it..check this one too:
      Do You Have The Same Values As Your Ex? (With Chase Kosterlitz)

  2. rc

    October 22, 2017 at 11:01 am

    I’m interested in knowing a bit more about when they “feel the feels” they freak out. I’ve read up on narcissism/sociopathy and this is the first site I’ve seen that this has been mentioned – that if they feel they’re being influenced by another it negates their self-reliance and self-control. I think I met a narc/soc. We were friends for 7 mths first. He was kind, sweet, openhearted, generous, supportive, but when we made out for the first time (and last! – he gave me the silent treatment afterwards) he totally freaked out, got edgy and defensive about it, even though HE was the one who made the initial move on me and I happily reciprocated. I calmed him down and we made out some more but he suddenly became cold and mean to my face so I decided to leave and when I did he closed the door, not totally but almost in my face. In twenty minutes I had gone from feeling great to reassuring to hurt to confused.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 24, 2017 at 4:31 pm

      Hi Rc,

      What if he was just not ready?

  3. Tonia

    October 21, 2017 at 4:49 pm

    I have identified my boyfriend as s narcissis he broke up with me after 16years I have bren doing the no contact for 3 weeks and he has t reached out either I thought he would reach out but he hasn’t he feels like i don’t love him anymore I have been there by his side through everything. And I really luv him and want it to work he has health issues but that doesn’t. Stop him he has female friends he talks to but not around me he acts as if he so sick around me but goes to his mother house weekend he gives me money n a sealed envelope with my name on it like s business transaction or s tenant I told him how it made me feel he makes an excuse n continue to do it he ask me when I’m going food shopping instead of asking me can take me hey ur not paying for the food he just didn’t respect the way I was feeling it why I was so frustrated he got mad st me cause he couldn’t find his pants with wallet inside he broke up with me they day I found the pants and he didn’t even apologia either he threw garbage around the house he threw clothes out the closet he was verbally abusive towards me cause he though I did some things to his pants and when I found them he didn’t apologized sini said I’m done I’m done and the. He repeated to me oh I’m done than I got scared and said I mean in done with ur attitude than he started packing and he left and he text my mom n my daughter and said me. N to is broke up I can’t deal with her mount I have my health to worry sbiut and I have tried heard fri him since shiykdbi just give up I have been so stressed crying all the time I miss him so much

  4. Ly

    October 21, 2017 at 10:11 am

    Thank you Amor. Well, he was the first one to text me for my bday, 00.00 and my phone started to vibe. I couldn’t believe it. I read his message, it was kinda flirty but nice, he made a reference of last year (we were totgether, differenct cities but near and after working, I was going to his and we spend the weekend together) and he sent me the first picture of him I had seen (we met online and he sentd that picture to our group). I would like to think that these are godd gestures but nothing is enough for me… I need more. I keep playing the UG (and doing it fine, I think) but my fears are here and… I just don’t know if it’s working, in social media he seems so happy in his new city and new life…it breaks me

  5. Susan Rivas

    October 18, 2017 at 4:19 pm

    My boyfriend of one year left me….we have a real off and on relationship im still in ah….about it cause he left….last words to me was talk to you later a peck on the lips n thats it….someone fowarded me photos lots of them w his exes family at a memorial grave site celebrating a birthday of the passed loved one…guess thats why.i have no words as the ex has been a issue for him this last year he’s a narcissist….i love him as we have some great times together im still in shock for real cant explain it just going through it…no closure.

  6. Saron

    October 17, 2017 at 1:55 am

    Geez, I keep going back and forth in my mind. We broke up ages ago, and he knows I’ve moved on, he’s tried to meet to return something of mine back (I refused), he’s try to invite me out to his gigs (I’ve refused)… We actually matched on Tinder again which is where we first met. ( I swiped right out of curiosity and he had already done the same, so it was a match right away). I’ve been civil and friendly, but after he started forwarding me silly links and being chatty like old times, I kinda said that I could be friendly and stuff but that that was pretty much it. He asked if that meant him not writing to me at all and I said yeah maybe not. I HAD missed him and I had wanted to try “us” again – but he wasn’t apologizing or saying anything about what happened. Which makes me mad. Dunno what to do actually. I know he misses me, but he’s such a narcissist. I feel like now that I said for him to maybe just stop writing altogether, that he’s actually not going to try again. I dunno, I go through not giving a rat’s ass to missing the good times. It’s been 7 months btw since we broke up. And the chit-chatting he initiated started 2 months after the break up.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 17, 2017 at 8:18 pm

      If you really want to move on, just don’t talk to him…

  7. Kim

    October 16, 2017 at 11:12 pm

    My ex and I broke up a week ago. He has text me twice… explaining he wants to talk about issues and he will contact me. He has told friends he is done and wants to get his stuff and give me my stuff. These friends have offered to be the middle man since he is done, but he refuses and says he is mature enough to handle this. I walked out on him because the spark fizzled out. I have brought this to his attention but he didn’t seem to care or make effort. We lived together at his house for a 1/2 yr. I really don’t want this meeting to happen… as he is always right and I’m always wrong. How do I handle this?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 17, 2017 at 12:05 pm

      Hi kim,
      Then don’t..you’re already broken up, what’s the point of talking to him if it’s not going to resolve things? Just exchange things and then start the no contact rule..

  8. Mayaa

    October 16, 2017 at 7:56 pm

    I think I fucked things up.. he asked for my pics and sent them and said insecure things.. about how I look.. then we carried the conversation kind of okay and then I sarcastically forced him to say that he misses me.. which I think is fucked up as well.. last chat was very very good and he was all over me and I appeared needy this time.. what should I do please help me!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 17, 2017 at 11:33 am

      Hi Mayaa,

      Have you done the no contact rule?

    2. Mayaa

      October 17, 2017 at 3:09 pm

      I’ve done no contact.. and been rekindling for about 2 months now..

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 17, 2017 at 10:06 pm

      Ok, that’s good..How long did you do nc? How much did you improve yourself and how active were you in posting during and after nc?

  9. Ly

    October 15, 2017 at 11:28 pm

    I’m currently on NC.
    I’ve done it before, it worked and we got better, friends + flirting. He decided to move to another city just for the adventure. Just before he left I told him what I feel and he told me that he may have that conversation again when he came back, “it may be a month or a few” but he said that he has very happy with everything I told him and recognized that if we weren’t leaving he would give us another chance.
    I dediced to go NC and see if he misses me, combined with trying to be UG. It’s day 10 and I haven’t hear from him (after the first NC, two weeks were the maximum time without texting each other). I know he is living his adventure in a city which he has idealized so…will he even notice the NC? And another question: my bday is this week, what should I do when he texts me that day? (I hope he does, if not more, in his I got him a present, even if we were not together – well it was a present I’ve bought just before he broke up with me in christmas so I send it to him in his bday in summer because we were in the friends stage. So he may do the same. I don’t know).

    Will the NC + UG work in my situation? (he admitted he missed me but he hates LDR and is stubborn with that so may be repressing feeling becaue he is living across the country now…)

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 16, 2017 at 10:19 pm

      Ignore him if he texts you in your bday.. There’s no guarantee that nc will work in any situation. It just helps imcrease your chances…

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