By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 25th, 2021

Hey what’s up Chris Seiter here.

And today we’re going to be talking about three of the most important strategies that you need to be employing if you want your ex back. But first, one of the most asked about questions that I get is,

Chris do I even have a chance with my ex?

Well, I always recommend that if you’re wondering about this question to stop by our website and take our quiz there.

I put together this quiz and designed it to help you understand what kind of chance you have with your ex. It will only take you about a minute and a half to complete. It’s a really high quality quiz and it’s not like one of those quizzes that you see on one of those “for fun” websites.

You know like what kind of Jedi are you or something like that.

This is an actual quiz that will take your answers, put it through an algorithm and give you an idea of everything I’ve seen from my experience and what your chances are from it.

So, if you want to take that quiz all you have to do is stop by our website and click on the “start here” button.

And also if you are watching this on YouTube and you want to take the quiz simply look in the description link below and click on the link there. It’ll take you right to the quiz were you can complete it.


Let’s begin!

Three Strategies To Employ If You Want To Get Your Ex Back

I’ve been doing this for about six and a half years.

I started my website ex boyfriend recovery back in 2012 and started working with people going through breakups then. Over the years, after I’ve seen many situations, I began to notice that there are three prevalent strategies that people use to get their exes back.

And so what I’d like to do today is show you what those three strategies are and make sure that you’re implementing them correctly if you are trying to get your ex back.

So, one thing that people always tend to ask me is they’ll come to me and say,

Chris what are the very best strategies for getting an ex back?

And there’s a lot of different strategies.

I’ve covered many on my YouTube channel and my website. But after six plus years I began noticing a very interesting “through line.”

There are certain strategies that people typically employ to get results and I always find it helpful to point these strategies out to people so they can actually see what other people are doing that is working.

So, those three strategies are,

  1. The value chain or the idea of the value chain.
  2. The no contact rule which I’ve talked about quite a bit
  3. A synergy of commitment.

Now, some of these things you may have heard of and some of these things you may not have heard of.

I’m going to go really quick give you a crash course on each one of these three strategies starting from the top.

Let’s start with the value chain.

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1. The Value Chain

So, what is a value chain?

Well, in business people use value ladders or value chains to describe exactly how a product gets from point A to point B.

Examples include,

  • How it’s thought up
  • How it’s made
  • How it’s sold
  • Everything.

So in essence it’s a blueprint, right?

What I’ve done is created a value chain, blueprint or game plan for people who want to try to get their exes back.

I’ve actually got it broken up into four components here as you can see,

The four components are,

  1. The no contact rule
  2. Text messaging
  3. Phone calls, Facetime, Skype
  4. In person interactions.

But you’ll notice that each one of these levels of the value chain has certain sub levels so there are certain things that you need to do to get the most out of the no contact rule and once you do those things you can advance on to texting and so on and so forth.

That’s really how the value chain is meant to work.

Personally, I notice that when people stick to this basic value chain blueprint they tend to get a lot better results than people who, let’s say do a no contact rule and skip immediately to that in person interaction.

By doing so, they’re skipping two important processes of the value chain.

So, the value chain is one of the most important strategies for getting an ex back and really the big takeaway I want you to take from this is that it takes discipline to see this through to the end.

Let’s move onto the next big strategy.

2. The No Contact Rule

If you actually go back towards the value chain you can see that the no contact rule is the first step of the value chain.

And the no contact rule, to my knowledge is responsible for about 70 percent of the success stories that we’ve had on our website. But that number is even greater because I believe 100 percent of our success stories in our private Facebook group have utilized a no contact rule as well in some way shape or form.

So, what is a no contact rule?

Well I’ve done lots of videos about it so if you want a more in-depth explanation go to our YouTube channel, type in “no contact rule” and I have done multiple videos on it.

But the quick crash course definition is,

It’s a period of time, usually between 21 to 45 days where you ignore your ex in an attempt to make them miss you while at the same time cultivating your own personal life.

So that’s the no contact rule.

From what I’ve seen what separates the people who are successful with the no contact rule from the people who are unsuccessful is that the people who are successful use their time wisely.

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Let’s say you are ignoring your ex for 30 days.

Chances are, you’re not going to sit around twiddle your thumbs and hope the sky falls and he’ll come drop into your lap.

No, the people who tend to get better results are the people who really work on cultivating their own personal life. They really try to make leaps forward in areas that they’ve always wanted to make leaps forward in.

Think of yourself as kind of like a caterpillar.  A caterpillar is ultimately undergoing this metamorphosis over into a butterfly, right?

So, when you start the no contact you’re kind of a caterpillar but by the end of the no contact rule you want to be a butterfly.

That’s the best maybe visual imagery I can give you.

Now let’s move onto the synergy of commitment.

3. The Synergy Of Commitment

What do I mean by synergy of commitment?

Well we talked about the value chain and we talked about the no contact rule. Those are two key strategies that we’ve seen work time and time again but when actually comes to getting a commitment out of an ex that’s a different thing.

I’ve notice that there’s a synergy between six different principles.

  1. Satisfaction
  2. Alternatives
  3. Investment
  4. Scarcity
  5. Urgency
  6. Fear of loss

If you can create these six different components there’s a highly likely chance that you’re going to push your ex over the edge and he will want to commit to you.

Let’s talk about each one of these things


So, what is satisfaction?

Well, in this context satisfaction is how satisfied your partner is with the relationship


This is if he’s sitting there thinking,

Wow I could do better than her.

Is there a better alternative out there?


How much has he invested into the relationship?

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The most common misconception I see with investment is people actually come and sit and think that investment is only in the form of him saying certain nice things to them.

Investment can be things like,

  • how much money he’s investing
  • how much time he’s invested
  • how much emotional energy he’s invested into this relationship

They’ve done really interesting studies and they’ve seen that actually when you look at people who are very unsatisfied with their relationships and you look at people who really believe that they have better alternatives out there than the person they’re with they will still not leave that relationship if they feel like they’ve invested too much time, energy and money into it.

So, investment is kind of the big 500 pound elephant in the room that no one ever talks about.


Scarcity is if you feel you have done a good job of making your ex believe that you are one of a kind. T

Not too much more to unpack here.


Is there an urgent reason that you would make your ex want to actively commit to you?

Again, not too much to unpack here

Fear of Loss

If he doesn’t commit to you have you done a decent job of making him think he’ll lose you forever?

Over the years I’ve noticed there’s a really interesting synergy between these six principles. What I’ve noticed is that there are six principles in all that really go into getting a commitment but you can group these six principles into two different categories,


You’ve got the category that attacks his reasoning

Category #1: Factors That Attack His Reasoning

Every ex will have a reason for why they don’t want to commit back to you.

These three principles,

  1. Satisfaction
  2. Alternatives
  3. Investment

Really work to attack that reasoning to convince him that he should commit to you.

Category #2: Factors That Make Him Want To Commit NOW

And then of course are the factors that make him want to commit NOW.

So, factors that attack his reasoning aren’t always enough to make him want to commit right NOW.

Well, that’s where the second category comes into play.

As long as you can couple scarcity, urgency and fear of loss you can create an active reason so that he wants to commit to you right now.

This is how you get a commitment from a birds eye view and those are three of the most common strategies that I’ve seen people use time and time again.

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10 thoughts on “3 Things You Absolutely Need To Do If You Want Your Ex Back”

  1. Norma Harrison

    August 31, 2022 at 1:37 am

    I think he is afraid of commitment not sure though

  2. Norma Harrison

    August 31, 2022 at 1:34 am

    I had posted something on Facebook about marriage it was just one of those games 2023 engaged 2020 for married in 2025 baby which it was all just a game his brother got involved took a picture of it and sent it to his brother and then that was our first argument because he’s been married twice of Ameri twice and we really don’t want to get married or anything like that I’ve thought about it may be down the line but not anytime soon and then I put a thing on Facebook that was that I said that I was lonely and I felt like I was bothering people the loneliness was where I lost my dad five months ago I have loneliness for him The bother and is that he works a lot and I didn’t want to bother him and I said that I felt like a bother to him when he gets upset because his brother told him it was on Facebook not like he ain’t gonna read it anyway because we were friends we were in a relationship and then the next day he didn’t call me in the morning I called him text him brother didn’t text me back then I called him he wouldn’t answer the phone and then two days later he sends me a text message and says I’m done I hope you can MoveOn no hard feelings so with that said do you think that We have a chance to get back together

    1. Coach Shaunna Nicol

      September 2, 2022 at 8:09 pm

      Hey Norma, so by the sounds of things he is not looking for a “serious” relationship that is going to lead to such things as marriage and possibly starting a family. So I would suggest that you take a step back and ask if this is something you WANT in the future for yourself, and he is not going to be willing to change his mind on the marriage situation then maybe this isn’t the guy for you. There is a chance that you could get him back using the program yes, but before you do reconnect with him, ask yourself do you want him more than you do a future with marriage an children.

  3. Sue

    March 22, 2020 at 5:22 am

    Dear Chris,
    I’ve been with my ex for 8 years. We did long distance for 4 years. On my last visit to him, I found out that he’s been texting other girls (plural). I ended the relationship. This was 6 months ago. We have been in no contact for about 5 months, with the exception of a “happy birthday, I hope you’re during well” on my birthday and I responded back “thank you”. Then three days ago he msgs me asking how I’m doing, and how my family is. I responded and we had a short conversation.. that continued onto the next day. I feel like I might be ready to forgive him and give the relationship another shot but I’m afraid he’s msging me because he’s bored more than anything else. It’s been two days now since we msged and he hasn’t reached out again. Should I reach out? How do I know that he’s not just bored because of the circumstances we’re in now? (Virus lockdown and all).. the msgs he sent were very detailed, kind, and a lot about his day and asking about me. I’m not sure where to go from here. Half of me feels like he needs to put the effort in more because of the way things ended but the other half of me feels like maybe I should extend a branch and show that I’m interested. Should I text him and initiate conversation? Or is he just simply bored and just wanted to check up on me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 23, 2020 at 11:25 pm

      Hi Sue so we recommend that you reach out after 30 days of no contact, so as it has been such a long time you need to start having conversation if you want him back. Keep in mind that you need to also become Ungettable so that your ex regrets losing you

  4. Anita

    August 16, 2018 at 2:30 am

    Should we use the synergy of fear of loss and scarcity when trying to get and ex who I cheated on, back in my arms?

    1. Chris Seiter

      August 17, 2018 at 2:29 pm

      Great question Anita!

      I do think those things play a role, but trust building is the biggest factor and having a structured, cohesive game plan. So take a look at my program and some of the resources I offer to help you through your situation.

  5. Chance

    August 12, 2018 at 5:23 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I have been reading your site for some time now and are looking for your help. I had a happy relationship with a guy I initially was not interested in, but he kept wooing and wooing and I gave in. Gradually I fell in deep love wth him, not the hormones, but the all-forgiving-authentic type of love. I was going through a rough patch last year with my financials, my grandma died and he also had a hard time work-wise. The stress killed us slowly, I could not go with him to his family`s weekend house over the summer due to grandma`s illness and his family did not really understand it. We are co-workers to this day. He broke up with me in November, we were trying to keep away for months, he dated a lot of girls casually around Crhistmas trying to get over. Around the end of January, we started to talk again. He came up to my place one evening to watch movies and then slept over.. this repeated two more times, then I asked him what is happening? Are we going to be back. He was hesitant. Then I asked him to leave me be if he does not want anything. He was on tinder at the time and it caused me a lot of pain. I tried to get him out of my system and started dating slowly. I met a guy who was lovely and loving, we had a few dates, but my ex kept reaching out to me and I could not uphold the daring, because I loved my ex still. Since then – end of May/early June? we were spending more and more time together, watching movies, doing dinner, walking, sleeping together. Things seemed to be getting better between us, I thought he would soon re-commit. Then one day he acted strange and I asked if he wanted to go back to tinder? he got angry and defensive and told me he had no intention, but after me calling him out – he will. This was a month ago, but still he kept visiting me at my place, we went to shop together, we live two streets away now. We had very loving,caring times together. This Tuesday, I saw he had a new friend on facebook.. I automatically assumed the girl os from tinder. So I asked him to come over to talk. I asked if he also felt we were close, and the love was still there. He said I was very important to him, we could start over together, but he feels we might ruin it again, so he would rather not. He said it`s brilliant when we are together, everything we do is just great, but he cannot forget the end of our relationship when everything went south. I told him that it was not our mistake, it was life. Then I told him if he is unable to have me as his girlfriend, then please let me pull myself together and don`t contact me as I cannot be his friend this way. I cannot see him being with others, nor do I deserve after all the love and caring I gave him.
    He left my place, I cried a lot. Then he later apologized in text and said thank you for everything I have done for him so far, all the support I have and apologised he could not refrain so far from being around. Two days later at work I needed an iphone charger, so I asked my team. He immediately sent me a text on the internal chat tool, I thanked him and that`s all. He then asked if we want to keep this horrible cold-war mood? I answered to him that I was feeling horrible all day, needing to throw up,so to be honest the mood in the office is the least of my concerns. He then started to worry and told me he has something planned for tonight, but he will cancel if I need him around. Of course my female ego came out and told him I`ll be fine, do his thing. After 8, he texted me again and asked if I was okay and at home. I told him again that I am okay, thanks. But two hours later, I woke up for incredible pain. I reached out for my phone to ask for his help – he lives literally a stone`s throw away. He did not answer. An hour later he texted me that he was going home and he will get me anything I need. By then I was crying with stupidity. He had a date. I texted him that nobody ever humiliated so much, he just slept at my place three days ago, told me to ask for help and then now he is on a date. How could he have done it. He said this was the first date he went on, there was nobody in the pipeline. I told him he should have told me he was making plans with someone and be happy. He said, there are no plans and maybe with someone else. 20 minutes later he was at my door with crackers and tea all worried. He put me into bed, made tea, brought food, carressed my legs, got me cold towel to cool me down. He slept next to me all evening, all dressed. He did not put down his clothes. But when I fell asleep, I felt he cuddled me, and sometimes he carressed my face so gently, I could have cried. In the morning I told him I am still in pain and I can`t see him taking new girls, so please understand that this has not changed anything between us. Since then we have not talked. I posted into `my day` on facebook, he checked out both pictures yesterday and today. But I am very worried he is going to date this girl once again… or anyone else. Did I do the right thing cutting him off? I think he has really deep feelings for me, but also has a bit of a grass is greener syndrome and does not understand relationships take understanding and working on, he wants a relationship to be light and easy. How can I make him see all the progress I have made in my life? Since last year I have bought a new apartment, moved into a manager position at my work and my life is coming together slowly. He literally should just say no to his ego and pride and we would have a beautiful relationship. I have a feeling he will go to tinder and have lots of dates in the hopes of finding someone. What is my gameplan? What do I do? Does no contact work for me? Can he eventually, through experiencing others, realize his loss? How can I become valuable in his eyes again? How to survive when he is dating when he lives in the neighbouring street? 🙁

    1. Chris Seiter

      August 17, 2018 at 3:21 pm

      Hi Chance…i think most of the principles i teach in my program will apply in your case. I recently redesigned my home page and made it easier for people to find the key resources and tools that can help them. There you will find a pathway to your action plan. Start with my eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” if you have not already. Also, look at joining my Private Facebook Support Group, if you have not done so.

  6. Aquilina

    August 11, 2018 at 7:10 pm

    Dear Chris,
    I met this widow on tinder two months ago. We seemed to have quite the same kind of humor, background, age, and political views. He seduced mewith a joke duel. He has been widowed for almost a year, and I am widow myself, but two years in my case. Even our bereavement anniversaries are both in late august. The night we clicked we were on the phone for three hours, although he told me he is not ready to feel connected with anyone. We had (fantastic) sex almost right away (after kissing and petting on our first date). He repeated that we was not ready and did not want to hurt anyone, he would jokingly said I should hook up with other guys if I had the chance.

    He only texted first on a few occasions in the first weeks. Sometimes he takes ours to reply to my texts, usually with courtesy. We have met several other times, mostly very sexual. One day he introduced my to his employees and said I am a friend he can boast about because of my high professional/intellectual level and that he finds it attractive that I play golf. But there has been a withdrawal, he told me he had just given final rest to his wife’s ashes between two dates of ours.

    Last time we met we had an amazing golf training together and we enjoyed it a lot, no pressure, as just friends (excluding the bye-bye moment), we keeps repeating it and swears we wants to do it again. Last week he had been cheerful again by text. But the other day, after flaking several times on a supposedly very busy schedule (and me telling him off a little) he cancelled after promising to come over to my place for sex. He declared he is giving up on sex and then kept me texting me jokes for half an hour. Sexual attraction must certainly be strong as everytime he have been in a private place he has been all over me, and I guess this does not go away from one day to the other. On top of that, it is not easy to find a good golf partner, I want to keep options open but still stay under his radar. I find him so interestingly refreshing. Of course I have fallen head over heels for him. It is so difficult to find educated, respectful, humorous, decent looking man. I know he may find I am pursuing too hard, I know he may enjoy me texting first for validation, I have read so much about this I am going mad.

    I gave up on all advice and texted him two days after a have a nice weekend/relax text and he thanked back calling me by me nickname. Two days later I wrote again and he engaged into conversation about his liking for tv series. Am I an idiot for not giving up completely on him?

    I have decided to go radio silent on him till early september so that the sad anniversaries are over and there is a excuse to send a restart/refresh message as september seems to feel like a rewind time of the year for everyone.

    Would like to have your take on the situation. Cheers