By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 27th, 2021

Something interesting happened to me last week.

A visitor who had commented on one of the posts here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery asked a question that made a light bulb go off in my head,

light bulb

She asked,

“Chris what if we think we are dating a player? What can we do to get him back? What would he think of us?”

That’s an excellent question and one that I thought was so good that I would create an entire guide on it.

Truth be told, I am a little shocked myself that I have never written about this especially when I am always making these bold claims about being the “bridge” into the mind of a man,

bridge to the mind of a man

Yup… kind of dropped the ball there. I am not going to lie.

Nevertheless, I am about to rectify that problem with this page as I talk about exactly what you need to do if you think your ex boyfriend is a player.


Now that is an interesting question.

Is your ex boyfriend a player?

Before we can talk about what needs to be done to get a “player” back we first need to determine if you dated one.

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What Is “A Player”

play you

First things first,

What the hell is “A Player?”


You know I have my own internal definition of what I think a player is but oftentimes before I make claims on this website I like to see what my version of a player is like when compared to everyone elses’ version.

Guess what?

My version and everyone elses’ version didn’t match.

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In fact, a lot of the definitions I found out there didn’t match.

You know what that means?

People view “players” in different ways.

Of course, that isn’t going to help us for our purposes now is it? No, we need one clear cut definition that we can always point to and say,

“Yup, that’s a player.”

So, lets create that definition and move forward from there.

First though in order to understand “a player” we need to understand “the game.”

So, when it comes to men, dating and “games” there is only one thing that I can think of that a man would deem his time worth playing over.

That thing is SEX

Don’t believe me?

Well, I have a funny story to tell you.

I had a friend who became so obsessed with having sex with women that he went out and bought every type of “pickup” book he could get his hands on.

In other words, he bought training material to play “the game.”

Did any of it work?

No way… He just ended up looking super stupid trying it. But I find it interesting that the fact that it even exists is that men (and even some women) want the type of lifestyle where they can master “the game” and have lots of sex with lots of different people.

So, by this logic a player is someone who is completely motivated by sex. In other words, they only want you for sex AND their need for it doesn’t just end with you. It will extend to other people. Oftentimes while they are still in a relationship with you.

Of course, there will be some of you out there who challenge this definition by saying that it’s a human for everyone to want sex (especially men.) But if you think that then you clearly aren’t reading the definition.

A player is someone who wants you ONLY for sex. In other words, everything that they say and do is meant to move towards that one goal with you.

And that brings me to my next point.

How can we determine 100% that your ex boyfriend is a player.

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How To Figure Out If Your Ex Is A Player


When it comes to sniffing out players I have developed a very effective tactic for doing so.

But in order for it to work I need a few things from you.

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Thing #1- Your undivided attention

Thing #2- Information about your past relationship with your ex

Thing #3- An understanding of “action theory”

Lets talk about action theory first.

What Is “Action Theory”

I have a question for you.

In your opinion what is more powerful?

Someone who says something and doesn’t do it.




Someone who says something and does it

Unless you can’t read it’s clear that someone who says something and then does it is more powerful. In fact, someone who says something and then doesn’t do it is a hypocrite. Think of it like this.

Babe Ruth is the most famous baseball player of all time. He’s been dead for 68 years and we still talk about him like he’s a baseball god.

But out of all his accolades there is one act that he is remembered for more than anything else.

It’s when he pointed to the stands and said that he was going to hit a home run and then the very next pitch he did just that,

called shot

Now, what made this act so incredible wasn’t the fact that “he called his shot.”

Anyone could have done that.

Hell, I could have done that.

No, what made it so incredible was the fact that he actually did it. The action he took of swinging his bat and hitting a home run is what made the feat legendary. If that doesn’t sum up the power of “actions” for you I don’t know what will.

So, what does any of this have to do with action theory?

Simple, if you truly what to understand someone’s motivation one must ignore all words and study actions. It will give you the ultimate insight into what is going on in a mans brain.

Let me give you an example.

If I said that I was going to go on a diet and then my actions did not back that claim up then you would be left to assume that deep down I didn’t really care about going on a diet. However, if I were to say that I was going to go on a diet and you definitely saw a change in my eating habits then you could assume that I meant what I said.

So, action theory is meant to look at someones actions to determine what is going on inside their head.

Now, action theory is going to be essential for determining if your ex is “a player”

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I am glad you asked!

How To Use Action Theory To Figure Out If Your Ex Is “A Player”


Alright, so there are two things that we are going to be looking at here.

  1. His Actions During Your Past Relationship
  2. His Actions After Your Breakup

Now, what are we looking for specifically?

Well, if you remember our definition of a player above you would remember that a player is after one thing, sex. So, what we are looking for is to see if his actions all point towards that.

Let me give you a few examples during your past relationship with your ex.

Actions Pointing Towards Sex During Your Past Relationship

Let’s pretend that you and your ex boyfriend are still in the middle of a relationship with each other and one night he starts putting the moves on you. Now, you are very much in love with him but you start to get the feeling that it’s about to be “your time of the month” so you calmly tell him that you aren’t quite in the mood tonight.

Upon hearing this he erupts with an anger like you’ve never seen before.

Now, it’s never nice to feel rejected but this isn’t the first time that this has happened. In fact, whenever he wants to have sex with you and you decline him he always throws a tantrum like that.

This is a good starting indicator that, that may be all he is after.

Oh, and I suppose it would be smart of us to cover how your ex talks with other girl.

There are more women then men in this world so it stands to reason that at some point of his life he is going to interact with a member of the opposite sex that isn’t you.

How he handles this interaction is important.

Does he flirt?


Does he treat the girl with respect but doesn’t bring up sex at all?

These are important things to notice.

Now, a little flirting may be normal. What I am really talking about here is if he is flirting to the point that the other girl thinks she has a chance. Now, have I ever encountered this type of a man?

Sure, one of my friends ended up cheating on his girlfriend five times I believe.

Here’s kind of how it went.

His girlfriend was away at college so it was a long distance situation. Now, in my buddies defense she had broken up with him once already and then somehow they had gotten back together (I don’t remember the exact details.) The important thing to remember here is that he felt like their relationship wasn’t exactly sturdy so he decided to fill this insecurity with other women.

He would definitely flirt with the intention of having sex with other women.

And he did.

So, when you are remembering you and your exes past relationship I want you to remember if you ever caught him flirting with a girl where sex was brought up.

If it was… then that is a very bad sign.

Now, I really want to hammer the sex flirting home with what I mean by that.

Lets take my friend as an example.

When he would flirt with a girl he would bring up sex in a specific type of way.

Imagine him sending this text message,

sex flirt

If you catch your ex boyfriend talking about his favorite sex positions with another girl then you have my permission to go on red alert.

Now, I know I made a big deal about “actions” and technically him sending a text message like the one above are words. BUT for a man to go outside his own relationship to talk about sex positions is an unacceptable action in my mind.

A man would not engage in this kind of a conversation normally with a member of the opposite sex.

Sure, it is normal to shoot the shit with your buddies but when it comes to a one on one conversation with another girl then that’s an entirely different thing.

Now lets move on and talk about what kind of actions that your ex boyfriend may be engaging in post breakup.

Your Exes Actions Post Breakup

I want to take a moment to introduce you to something that I like to call…

The Breakup Line

Take a look at the graphic below,


So, that big red line in the middle is what I like to call the breakup line.

Why is it important to know what the line is?

Well, everything to the left of the line is considered everything that happened between you and your ex before the breakup. And everything to the right of the line is everything that happens after the breakup.

In the section before this one we were studying your ex boyfriends actions to the left of the line.

Do you care to take a gander at what we are going to be looking at now?

Yup, the right of the line.

In other words, if you notice that everything your ex boyfriend is doing in this area,


is an attempt to try to have sex with you (or other people) you may have a player on your hands.

Now, I am not going to lie to you.

Way too many people end up having sex with their ex after a breakup. In fact, I found that a recent poll that stated that over 30% of people who go through breakup end up sleeping with their ex at some point.

To me that is INSANE!

And maybe one of the worst mistakes you can make assuming you want to get back with this person.

But more on that in a second.

Right now we are talking about studying your ex boyfriends actions post breakup.

What kind of actions should you be keeping an eye out for?

I want to tell you another fun story of a person that I met through this site who had the ultimate player ex boyfriend.

Now, to protect this persons identity I can’t tell you her name. So, we are just going to use a fake name and call her “Awesome!”

Hey… don’t make fun of my cool pick for a fake name.

Actually on second thought it is kind of lame.

Lets make it “Super Awesome!”

Much better!

Alright, so “Super Awesome” found my website and wanted to get her ex back. So, she put my teachings into practice and thought she was seeing some very positive progress.

But as she was making her progress she began to notice that no matter how long her and her ex would take there was always one topic that was constantly relevant.


Somehow her ex always seemed to manage to steer the conversation back to it.

So, I decided to give her a test to give him.

I told her that the next time he brought it up say this exact phrase,

“Is sex all you think about?”

And then say nothing else for a while.

If he continued to talk about sex then hang up on him and be blunt about it. Make him feel bad.

So, she followed my advice and she got a classic player reaction.


The second she said,

“Is sex all you think about?”

He freaked out on her.

Classic player…

But this begs an interesting question.

Assuming your ex boyfriend is a player how do you get him back? How do you get him to commit?

Well, allow me to give you some insight into the mind of a player.

How The Player Mind Works

I want you to take a look at the graphic I put together for you below,

the mind of a player

This is meant to represent the mind of a player or what makes a player who he is.

You see, in order to understand how you can get your ex boyfriend back (assuming he is a player) we must first understand his make up or what makes him who he is.

You will notice that in the graphic there are four different topics that I touch on,

  1. Insecurity
  2. Needing Validation
  3. Wanting Power
  4. Loving “The Chase”

I am going to take some time now and cover each one of these aspects.

Lets start with insecurity.




I am not sure if I should tell you this story but since I have made a commitment to be transparent with you guys I guess I will have to.

I was not always good at talking to women.

In fact, I sucked at it.

I remember in my early twenties I would come home from college every day depressed that I couldn’t get a girl to like me. It got to the point where it was so bad that I started buying books on the topic.

Seriously… I was the guy that bought books to teach him how to talk to women.

Now, as you can imagine a book that teaches a man to talk to a woman isn’t just about how to talk to them.

No, it’s about getting them in bed.


In other words, the marketers of the world knew that there were a lot of frustrated men out there who didn’t know how to talk to beautiful women so they would capitalize on that insecurity.

Anyways, one of the books that I read always stuck in my mind because it didn’t read like a “how to” guide. It read like an actual story.

It was basically this story of how this average ugly guy became some super pickup artist that could get any girl he ever wanted.

Anyways, I remember thinking while I was reading the book,

“Man, the whole reason that these men want to sleep with women is because they feel insecure about themselves and I kind of could sympathize with them because I felt insecure about myself at that time.”

So, I think every player has a bit of insecurity hidden behind that “alpha exterior” he tries to exhibit.

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Needing Validation


I am about to say something very strange to you.

All men seek validation from women.

“Wait, that’s not that strange?”

Well, I haven’t gotten to the strange part yet.

Consider a pickup artist.

Pickup Artist- The ultimate player. A man whose sole purpose in socializing is to have sex with every woman who he deems to be attractive.

In other words, he is seeking validation from the women who he sleeps with.

And by sleeping with him the women give him the validation he craves.

It all feeds his ego.

Look at it like a bank account balance.

Every time that a pickup artist successfully sleeps with a woman the bank account balance rises and he gains more confidence. Of course, every time he gets rejected from the woman he tries to sleep with the bank account balance lowers.

And if the balance gets to a low enough level he starts to lose his self worth.

Don’t worry, we are going to use this to our advantage when we talk specifically about how you can turn your “player” ex boyfriends world upside down.

For now, lets move on to the next little insight into the mind of a player.



Power and validation closely relate here because if a man becomes confident enough then obtaining power is almost trivial for him.

Now, what do I mean by power?

Well, when I talk about power I am talking specifically about power over women.

Look, most of these so called “players” grew up as the class clown or the nerd over in the corner who couldn’t even get a girl to talk to him.

So, to them, the ultimate form of power is to have a woman at their every beck and call and you are playing into that every single time that you act desperate or needy after your breakup but I am getting off track here.

I want to tell you a story about my friend…. let’s just call him Josh.

So, I met Josh in high school and my first assesment of him was that he was a pretty good looking guy but he couldn’t get a girl to talk to him to save his life.

Neither could I of course and that’s probably why we bonded so well.

Now, at that time dating and relationships wasn’t too high on my priority list. But it was to Josh. You see, he was a persistant little bastard.

Even now I was in awe of how persistant he was.

He would try to get a girl to talk to him and then came the inevitable rejection. Now, where this would have gotten me down it didn’t phase him one bit.

Instead, it just lit a fire within him as he kept talking to woman after woman honing his craft.

Eventually he got to a point where he wasn’t rejected at all. Instead, he actually had the women fawning over him. He gained supreme confidence… supreme power.

Now, did the power get to his head?


It’s sort of like pandoras box.

Once he opened the box all hell broke loose.

He had a girlfriend who he of course cheated on with something like five different women. He slept around a lot and definitely lived the player lifestyle.

So, here is my ultimate point.

A lot of players are still heavily tied to their roots where they were constantly rejected by women and when they finally do crack the code of getting a girl to talk to them they go crazy with their newfound power.

With great power comes great responsibility.

Loves Chasing


Men want what they can’t have.

How many times have you heard me say that phrase on this site?

It’s getting up there now, huh?

Well, that’s because it’s true!

Oh, and in case you haven’t been reading my more recent articles there is definitely scientific basis backing this up. Have you ever heard of psychological reactance?

Well, psychological reactance is a scientific theory that basically states that when you remove someones freedom to have something (or someone) their desire/attraction for obtaining that something (or someone) increases.

So, in other words by telling an ex boyfriend that he can’t have you or he has lost the freedom to have you he will find you more attractive.

It’s the na na na na boo boo… effect.

Sort of like how when you were a kid and you would be playing tag. Of course, you would say something like,

“Na na na na boo boo… you cannnn’tttt gettt meeee…”

And the person chasing you would just go bat sh*t crazy trying to chase you.

Well, players love the chase.

Don’t forget that because we are going to use it on “your player.”

Speaking of “your player” how the heck are you going to get him back?

The Strategy For Getting A “Player” Ex Boyfriend Back

I always think that these strategies work better when you have a visual of what to do so here is my visual for how to get an ex boyfriend back if he is a player,

Player steps

So, obviously your game plan is divided into three steps.

Why three?

Well, because I like to keep things simple and if I sat here and gave you fifty steps to follow half of you would give up because it’s “too much work.” While the other half of you would have selective hearing and end up following the wrong steps.

So, three steps is manageable.

The three simple steps are as follows,

  1. The No Contact Rule
  2. Standing Out
  3. Making Him Chase

Lets start from the top.

STEP ONE: The No Contact Rule

dont talk to me

This makes the five hundredth time that I’ve mentioned the no contact rule on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

It seems like on every single one of my articles I mention it.

But that’s how important it is.

You see, lately I have been making a HUGE effort to improve the advice I give on this website. So, one of the things that I am looking at or taking note of are successful trends. In other words, what do the people who are actually getting their exes back have that the people who can’t get their exes back seem to lack.

One of the biggest trends that I have been taking note of is the no contact rule.

I mean, in some of my most recent articles I reference a study that I did where I determined that without a doubt the no contact rule is the number one thing that all of my success stories had in common. In other words, if someone used my website or book to succeed in getting their ex back the vast majority of those people utilized a form of the no contact rule at some point.

Now, if that doesn’t tell you how important the no contact rule is I don’t know what will.

But how does it tie into getting a player back?

How The No Contact Rule Helps You With A Player Ex

I am about to break my golden rule.

What’s my golden rule?

Golden Rule: Not to give you advice that I usually give to the men over at Ex Girlfriend Recovery.

Oh ya… if you didn’t know this already I actually have a brother site to this one where I dish out advice to men wanting to get back with their girlfriends and while a lot of the advice I give them is the same there are some distinct differences.

But there is one piece of advice that I have given them that I have never made available to you.

That’s about to change.


Because if you want to get a player back you absolutely have to do this.

But lets back up for a second first.

The no contact rule is a period of time where you ignore your ex.

We all know this.

I have talked about it multiple times in multiple different places.

But what I hardly ever talk about is one of the biggest assets of the no contact rule.


It gives you time to “get your ducks in a row” so to speak.

Look at the situation you are in right now.

You are sad…



All in all, it’s pretty bad.

And since you are on this site I am assuming that you have tried to get your ex boyfriend back and failed, right?

If things keep going the way they are going you aren’t going to get him back.

That’s a certainty.

But that’s where the no contact rule comes in. Not only do you get the added benefit of potentially making him miss you but you also get TIME.

Now, how you use this time is ESSENTIAL which is why I want to introduce you to something that I like to call…

The Gatsby Method

Have you ever read the famous book by F. Scott Fitzgerald,

“The Great Gatsby?”

Well, if you haven’t read the book then maybe you’ve seen the movie.

(There are actually two of them.)

One with Robert Redford that was made in 1974,


And then one that was made rather recently with Leonardo Dicaprio,


Of course, if you aren’t one for reading then that’s ok because I am going to give you a quick synopsis of the book right here.

In the book and the movie there is a character named Jay Gatsby (The Great Gatsby) who is madly in love with a woman named Daisy.

Now, the book was actually written in 1925 and was also set during that time. And during that time social status mattered a lot. In other words, someone who was clearly rich would either be looked down upon or even flat out forbidden to marry someone who was poor.

In the story, when Gatsby first meets Daisy he is struck by her beauty, innocence and wealth. So, one thing that we know right off the bat here is that Daisy is clearly upper class and from a very rich family.

This is a problem for Gatsby since he is from poverty. So, understanding that Daisy is going to turn him down if she finds out that he’s poor Gatsby decides to lie to her about his “status.”

Now, Gatsby and Daisy are clearly attracted to one another but Gatsby has enlisted to go to war.

Before he leaves he and Daisy make a promise to each other, that they will wait for one another.

A promise that she doesn’t keep as she marries another after he goes off to war.

Here is where things get interesting though.

Gatsby, who clearly understands that he needs to improve his position to win a girl like Daisy, begins doing things after the war to acquire the wealth he needs to gain the same type of social and financial status to attract Daisy.

Of course, what he does to acquire that wealth is an entirely different story.

What I would like to look at here is the actual idea he had of improving his position.

Gatsby knew what he had to do in order to get Daisy, amass a fortune.

What I would like to do now is take the idea that Gatsby had of improving his position and duplicate it for your situation.

Look, if you keep doing things the way you are right now you aren’t going to improve your position.

Nothing is going to change.

Your ex boyfriend will keep being the player he is and you will keep being the sad girl you are.

Something has to change and that something is how you are approaching the situation.

We need to amass your fortune.

And the no contact rule is the perfect time to amass it.

That’s the Gatsby Method.

We are basically using the time away from your ex via the no contact rule to improve your position so it creates this drastic effect when he actually does see you again.


Maybe I should use a visual representation to explain this.

Ok, imagine that the two of us were dating and I wanted to win you back.

Now, when we were dating I wasn’t exactly in the best shape.

Lets say that I looked like this,

fat chris

But then after the breakup I decided to implement the gatsby method and amass my own personal fortune which to me is getting in excellent shape. So, the next time you see me I end up looking like this,

chris in shape

I am betting that after seeing such a drastic change you might begin regretting your decision a bit.

But that’s not even the best part of the gatsby method.

No, the best part is that it’s a win-win for you.

By amassing your own personal fortune you are simultaneously improving your position in life and working towards getting your ex back.

Now, in this section you have heard me talk a lot about “fortunes” and amassing your own personal fortune.

What do you think I mean by that?

Well, that’s going to be covered in step two.

STEP TWO: Standing Out


What I mean by amassing your own personal fortune is that I want you to acquire something new.

But that “something new” has to be incredible.

It has to make you stand out which just so happens to be step two in our process of getting a player back.

Your personal fortune can be something as simple as a new look and as complicated as learning a new language.

Though generally speaking the harder it is to obtain that something new the bigger your fortune will be.

I will give you a more personal example using myself in a minute but first I want to explain the effect we are going for.

Your player ex boyfriend has a certain way that he looks at you right now. Because of this way that he looks at you he makes certain assumptions about you and he thinks he has you figured out. Now, as you will learn in step three men love mystery… they love the chase and they are not going to chase after a woman that they already have or think they know everything about.

That’s boring…

But with the no contact rule you are going to be taking an extended vacation from him and then you are going to amass your own personal fortune so that when you do talk to your ex boyfriend again he is going to see a new side of you.

A side that he didn’t think you had in you.

It’s at this point that ideally he is going to look at you in a new light and think to himself,

“Maybe there is more to this girl than I thought…”

It’s going to peak his interest and of course, being the player he is he is going to start chasing.

That’s what we are going for.

However, the only way to really accomplish this is if you make some drastic changes.

Let me give you an example from my own life.

When I was about 19 years old I noticed my dad was watching something on TV. So, I decided to investigate and see what he was doing. To my shock, he was watching a tennis match between Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer.

Now, my dad is a great tennis player.

He was a former tennis professional and taught people for a living.

So, this guy knows his tennis which is why what he said next shocked me,

“Rafael Nadal is the best tennis player I think I have ever seen.”

It shocked me because coming from my dad that was very high praise. So, I started watching this “Rafael Nadal” and even I was impressed.

I liked him…

He ran around like a barbarian and clobbered the ball.

After watching him in that match I became a fan.

I kept an eye on him over the years and eventually it got to the point where I started like tennis.

I think I was about 21 years old when I asked my dad to teach me.

And he did…

But I soon learned tennis was not an easy sport to conquer. You see, I was always very athletic growing up and was the best pitcher on my baseball team and placed in 2nd in my district track meet.

Sports came easy but tennis did not.

And it definitely showed.

I sucked…

But when I start something and commit to it I don’t quit… EVER.

So, I practiced and practiced.

Oftentimes on my own at a place called Stevenson Park. They had a nice set of tennis courts. Actually, let me look through my phone and I will show you guys directly because I think I have a few pictures of the courts,


This is them at night.

Pretty, right?

Yup, I practiced on those courts every day for about three years.

But out of those three years there are two days that stand out the most to me.

The First Day That Stands Out To Me

If you look really closely at picture above you will notice that there is an open area outside the tennis courts. Well, that open area is actually a sand volleyball court. Yup, the volleyball courts were right next to the tennis courts.

Well, I will never forget this day because I was practicing my serve on my own on the court that was closest to the volleyball court.

And as a beginner I…

Well, I sucked.

Anyways, I did what all beginners did.

I threw the ball up to serve and completely whiffed when I swung.

Super embarrassing.

But not as embarrassing as what happened next.

There were a group of teenagers on the court next to me that witnessed the whole thing and started laughing and making fun of me.

Now, I ignored them.

But it really hurt my feelings. I was trying to get better and I was getting laughed at for it.

But more on that later.

Lets talk about the second day.

The Second Day That Stands Out To Me

It was about two years since that embarrassing moment and I had improved a lot….


In fact, the tennis pro that taught on the tennis courts every day was impressed with my dedication and we started hitting together.

So, on top of having my dad drill me to death every day I had a tennis pro pounding me to death after my dad.

I’m not going to lie…

I was getting good.

Don’t believe me?

Here is footage of me and my dad hitting last summer,

Here is more footage of us,

Oh, and my serve has improved as well,

Anyways, I was practicing with my dad and the other tennis pro, Kory. It was a two on one drill meaning that I would get no breaks at all.

I always found this to be the toughest drill because while my dad hits a slower accurate ball, Kory hits a very topspin heavy one (albeit not as accurate.) My point is that it takes everything you have just to stay in the rally.

Well, you aren’t going to believe who was watching us that very day.

Yup, the same kids that made fun of me for missing the serve.

Except this time they weren’t laughing. No, they stopped their entire game to watch us in awe…

They hadn’t seen tennis like this up close before.

And after a great point from me they actually clapped!

Do you see what I am getting at here?

My personal fortune was tennis. That’s the skill I chose to put a lot of my effort into.

I turned people who thought I was horrible into people who would actually cheer me on.

And I want you to have this exact type of experience when you try to get your ex back. But you need to find something that makes you stand out.

Your fortune needs to be unique to you.

Maybe it’s a skill…

Maybe it’s a new look…

Whatever you decide to make it make sure that it can have a drastic effect on your ex. That’s the most important part.

Lets move on to step three.

STEP THREE: Make Him Chase


And now we are at the final part of the strategy.

Man, this was a long one.

Hope you didn’t get too bored along the way.

In my humble opinion I think that step three (making your ex chase you) is without a doubt the strongest strategy for getting a player back.

No joke!

It’s that powerful.

I am going to go out on a limb here and assume that your ex is a player… a good one.

Meaning that getting girls is really easy for him.

If that’s the case then he is used to being in control all the time He’s not used to chasing after women. He’s used to women chasing after him.

So, what you need to do is position yourself as the one girl that won’t chase him. You need to be the one girl that he finds himself chasing.

But how?

How can we accomplish something like that?

Well, I am not going to lie to you it’s not going to be easy. BUT I have a few tricks up my sleeve for you.

First though, I think it’s important to put you in the right frame of mind.

The Importance of Time & Jealousy

told him

A few days ago my wife and I were watching the bachelor.

It’s one of our little guilty pleasures since we both work in the “dating field.” Let’s just chalk it up to research 😉 .

Anyways, on last weeks episode of the bachelor something very interesting happened. The show had progressed to the point where the bachelor had to go meet four women’s families.

Talk about nightmare…

Anyways, one of the women, when she got home, found a set of roses and a note waiting for her. So, she did what any woman would have done had she found herself in that situation. She excitedly rushed over to them, picked them up and started reading the note.

She was under the assumption that the flowers and the note were from the bachelor himself but that wasn’t the case.

The flowers and the note were actually from her ex.

The note was pretty standard.


Now, it’s hard to cite the bachelor as a reference since I think 80% of that show is set up but I don’t think this was set up. Sure, the flowers may have been added there by producers but when the contestant called her ex after reading the note he seemed to have a very legitimate reaction and immediately started saying that he wanted her back.

There are two lessons I think that you can learn from this.

  • Lesson #1: Time Needs To Pass
  • Lesson #2: Jealousy Really Seems To Work

Lesson #1: Time Needs To Pass

I can’t tell you how many times I have come across a situation where all it takes for someone’s ex to come back is time.

Seriously, sometimes that’s all it takes.

Now, I have talked a lot about this phenomenon throughout this website multiple times and even dedicated an entire podcast episode to it.

The truth is, is that I am bored of talking about this aspect.

I would rather jump to lesson two.

Lesson #2: Jealousy Seems To Work

Let’s consider that bachelor contestants situation for a second.

She goes away on this show for at least a month (time) all to win the affection of a guy (jealousy).

This combination of time and jealousy seemed to do the trick as that was all it took to win the affections of her ex back. Now, I am going to go out on a limb here and say that jealousy is an extremely effective tactic.

Recently I did a deep study on my own success stories and I found that jealousy was prevalent in quite a few situations.

So, jealousy can be effective.

Now, am I saying that all you will have to do to win your ex back is take some time and make him jealous?

I don’t think that will necessarily work in your case.


Remember, your ex is a player and a player wants to be free to have sex with a bunch of different women.

So, we are going to add our own amendment to the rule.

We need three ingredients to win a player back,

  1. Time
  2. Jealousy
  3. A Chase Condition

I know what your thinking,

“A chase condition? What the hell is that?”

Easy, its a condition that will make your ex boyfriend chase after you. I will give you an example.

Let’s assume that I was a woman who was trying to get YOUR ex boyfriend back. My condition to get him to chase me would be to engage him in a conversation and then right before the conversation gets good I would end it.

I would do this during every conversation we have and it would create this endless loop where he is constantly put in a position wanting more and what do people do when they want more of something?

They chase it!

Here, I will give you an example.


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92 thoughts on “How To Get Your Boyfriend Back If He’s "A Player"”

  1. Tia

    February 17, 2022 at 11:58 pm

    Seriously your article is super good it’s so explication and well designed.Keep the good work

  2. Batyas

    August 1, 2020 at 8:54 pm

    Please please reply my comment.. I have been ridden all the advices and all the methods and all the vedio on YouTube and I think this is the right place to talk about my story and some one listene and help me..
    My story become a month before the Quarantine began in our country..I am a Latin dancer and he is too..he talked to me and I relly don’t know if there was a real feelings for me or not until now cuse he tells me a lot of private things about him that’s nobody know about it..but I tend to he is a player ..our story start by chasing me for a while and he introduced himself as a suber hero so I can fall for him and I did..we slept together but we haven’t had sex completely cause I told him I can’t do that until I relly know that’s he is the right one for me..and he look like he understood that and dose not forced me for any thing..he was perfect but I had feelings that something isn’t Wright!especially that he dose not invited me to any were except his house..after month his brother come back to house (he was traveled while this month)and at the same day he start to chang the way he treated me before..then he start to ignore me and say he is busy and all that bullshit..after two weeks I talked to him and asked him clearly for what’s going on his mind and about us and he didn’t gave me a clear answer and keepy saying that he was busy all the the end I stopped talking and he is too..after that directly we started the quarantine at our country and we didn’t talked since then..when the quarantine is over after two months I unfollowed him on insta..and after a month we see each other on a party because we are a dancers and he showed no emotion an I showed no emotion too and pretend to be happy and relaxed..then we met on a serval of partys and he showed up with new girl I think he playeing her right now..but at the last few time I noticed that he looks at me often and I feels that he start to think of me again but I cant tell that for sure cause I had no evidence..and now we will meets at aparty again after tow please please what can I do to make him back..I am dying for thia moment and I want a clear advice from u

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 15, 2020 at 1:58 pm

      Hi Batyas, I would suggest that you read and follow the advice given in the Ungettable articles. It is tough as you said he is a player and seems that he moves on to different girls when hes gotten what he wanted. I would suggest that if you follow the program and start attracting his attention again is that you do not sleep with him, until you are in a relationship. If his goal is to get sex, or just fun then he reaches that goal he is going to move on to the next girl for the challenge and chase.

  3. Jas

    May 15, 2020 at 8:42 pm

    I feel very helpless right now because I didn’t find this guide or this website until now and I think I have ruined my chances. So I and my ex boyfriend broke almost 3 weeks ago because he ended up cheating and we often argued about his commitment issues. Although I was a bit suspicious I never confronted. He ended up confessing because he couldn’t handle the guilt anymore. Currently we are in separate cities due to the covid. We are work buddies so I didn’t do no contact. I also didn’t know that such a thing exists. I kind of took a few days off social media to sort things out but then I did have to respond to group messages and video calls. And eventually we ended up talking. And he has always been this gentle loving person so it’s kind of hard to constantly be angry at him. We have been talking ever since and he kind of wants us to stay friends. We would even flirt back and forth sometimes. And he has indicated that he would very much like to sleep with me. And I kind of ended up agreeing. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to end up being just his friend or friends with benefits. I also don’t know how to initiate no contact because things are really just fine right now and I can’t just bring up a fight or something as a reason not to talk to him. During those days when I took some time off, he would constantly enquire how am I doing and that he will always be there to help. I also have to stay active in the groups and video calls. Is there anything I can do? Please help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 20, 2020 at 10:53 pm

      Hi Jas, it is not too late to start the program as long as you are strong and stick with the information. Starting with No Contact and then work on your Holy Trinity. The articles are really useful so be sure to read the ones that apply to you

  4. jas jaaas

    April 6, 2020 at 5:28 am

    Hii chris…i really really need ur help….help me please….or else i will die out of depression and suffocation.I had a boyfriend ..we had been dating for 1 and a half month. He was always interested in sex,to be honest. But i loved him and still love him badly.I came to know dat he had a girlfriend since the past 4 years.i was broken totally and asked to leave me. But he didnt. I forced him to tell that he doesnt want me anymore and he did. But he hasnt deleted my contact neither has blocked me. He shows a mixed hot and cold emotions. He doesnt start the conversation anymore. We had sex once after breakup. What should i do to get him back?? Plss plsss help meee

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 6, 2020 at 8:13 pm

      Hi Jas, it sound as if this guy knows he can have you when he wants you but is also not going to leave his girlfriend of four years. I would remind yourself you are worth more than this treatment. If you truly want your ex back then you need to do 45 day no contact and then start the being there method. However if he is willing to cheat in his girlfriend then he will be willing to cheat on you too

  5. Eme

    December 28, 2018 at 9:19 am

    Hi Chris
    I met a guy in my last year Bsc but he carried over a lot of courses. In the beginning we were just friends. He had a girlfriend(but in a different town). We started to help each other in our studies especially my project where he helped me alot. I was sleeping at his place nothing sexual but at end he was just holding me while at sleep. At the end of the year he still failed due to an unresolved problem and was supposed to start at fresh. I passed eventually. He decided to start back in a new town, when he went he started acting cold with me, I didn’t insist. He contacted me 3 months after, where we started flirting and he told he is broke up with his girlfriend. We continued as it became more intense, Where he came to visit me and we passed 4 days together. (he knew I never had a boyfriend before, so no sex nor even a kiss).He tried something but I was not comfortable first, because my younger brother was at door next to my room and due to the fact that he never said something clear about us(no trust). The next day even God protected me by sending my menses and he checked to be sure I was not lying. He went back and I was going to come to his own town in 2 months. We were fine during one month before then he started to somehow pull away and the huge mistake I now realized I made was to pursue him. I traveled to his town and he told me when he will have time we are going to meet. I did 3 weeks there without meeting him and the excuse was his school. I continued pursuing till when he even became rude to me. Then I asked him what do I represent for him(by text) and he somehow I think wanted to avoid answering me(becoz when I send the text he answered telling me he was busy and will answer after, so I waited for his text, he was online but didn’t answer. 24hrs later I texted again to remind him and he told he had forgotten (is it true he can forget such a question?!)). He answered and said I was a very very good friend with some whole bullshit after which did not interest me. I told him I taught we were more and I want to have more with you. He told that he was also tempted at a moments but was not sure of my feelings and he also saw that I am too sensitive, he is not the right guy for me and distance( I gave a solution to this).
    (me:why are you not right for me?
    Him:becoz he is arrogant, selfish etc.
    Me: It been 8 month with you do you know I was dealing with it?
    Him: he knows me but I don’t know him.
    I had to insist where he first accepted but I felt him accepting was out of pity. I asked him again he told that I don’t want to understand him and then told that PRESENTLY I HAVE 4 OFFICIAL GIRLFRIENDS AND ALOT OF GIRLS ARE AROUND ME AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO PULL THEM AWAY. ONE EVEN SAID IF I DON’T ACCEPT HER SHE WILL NOT GO TO SCHOOL AND THAT’S HER COMPLAINING OF MY BEHAVIOR NOW. AND IT’S BEEN LESSTHAN 3MONTH I’M DEALING WITH THEM. I said OK I can’t stand against those four girls so since you said I’m your friend let then be friends and I asked him to clear all our previous chats since we are now clear. He said OK OK. We didn’t speak for 2 weeks to at least put myself together. Then I texted him again and all was cool. For Xmas I wished him mery Xmas where answered kindly. I asked how he was coping with the preparatives were he became cold again. I propose to call him, he told me that at the moment he was occupied and even snap what he was doing. I said OK when your going to be free text me, I’m going to call he agreed. But till today he has not. I don’t want to beg him, we started as really good friends I wanted to at least maintain that. What is his problem? I know he is friend with all his exes why not me who is not even an official exe?! It was my first time of somehow dating and I trusted him at least 85%. The “break up “was with no quarrel except me pleading him to give me a chance. I’m sorry for the length of my comment

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 29, 2018 at 2:28 am

      Hi Eme!

      So that is a lot for me to process! I think you should pick up my 485 page massive eBook, “EBR Pro” as it can do you more justice than I can here in a few lines. You want to have a sort of blueprint on what to do and when and how to find your healing and happy place, while at the same time improve your chances.

  6. smilyn

    December 7, 2018 at 12:35 am

    You said: “You can leverage your Friends network to potentially connect with him indirectly. But let me say, if he has not come to realize your value after 30-45 days, then its his loss.”

    Unfortunately we dont have any friends in common and he doesnt appear to be on any of the usual social media platforms (facebook, linkedin, etc).

    Its a hard truth that if he hasn’t come to realise my value after 45 days NC then its his loss. The realisation of this to me doesnt hurt any less at the moment. I really wanted him to see and understand what he lost and see me in a different light. Only time will tell I guess.

  7. smilyn

    December 6, 2018 at 5:28 am

    I am really struggling on whether to purchase the EBR Pro ebook or try 1-on-1 coaching. So many of you lovely ladies on here have had much longer relationships than I experienced. I am not sure if what I am feeling is just lust or hurt from what I thought I had and lost, but I was really keen to explore it further before it all ended abruptly.

    I met this guy via a chat app which I now believe to be a player (but I still seem to want him back), he initiated contact with me. Some of the conversation was sexual, but he eased into it when we seemed more comfortable communicating so I didn’t see any read flags. I didn’t mind either as I found him very charming and attractive. We chatted alot over the next few days before meeting up in person. He suggesting meeting late at night and privately a couple of times which I missed (and overlooked as red flags) in amongst other conversation. I agreed to finally meet him somewhere public as I wanted to feel safe meeting someone from online, you just never know these days. After I felt comfortable we agreed to go somewhere private together (his idea ofcourse), just hanging out in the car, parked somewhere private. I honestly didnt have any expectations meeting him, but was open minded. We didn’t have sex but fooled around quite a bit. The next day we messaged each other saying that we enjoyed catching up. We chatted nearly daily for the next couple of weeks, but I now believe he was just breadcrumbing me because whenever I suggested trying to meet up he seemed to defer the conversation, but said if was free he would definitely catch up, but never locked in anything in the future. The conversations were usually saying good morning, asking how each other was throughout the day, goodnight in the evenings and stuff like that, but never much more substance. I learnt little bits about him along the way throughout our conversations, but he seemed quite guarded with information about himself and never really asked much about me either. There was various times the conversation was sexual and flirty, but I thought that was natural since what happened when we meet.

    So in short, I feel like I was played by a player… but part of me thinks me must have liked me initially to meet up with me and make out and have fun.

    To cut a long story short, we are no longer in contact. I initially blocked him as I had enough of feeling played. He them proceeded to block and delete my number. I found other ways to contact him and express that I was disappointing that he blocked & deleted me so quickly instead of trying to find out why I blocked him. :-S Maybe I bruised his ego or he just saw it as an easy way out with me. I eventually became a bit of a text GNAT, but felt I needed to explain myself to him and why I blocked him. I told him I did so because I was getting too attached too quickly, which was obvious by my text GNATTING. 🙁

    Anyway, I am now at the start of the NC period. I’m going to do so for 45 days. I doubt he will message me as he seemed pretty irritated by my text GNATTING.

    We don’t follow each other on any social media platforms so there seems to be no way for him to ever see how I am doing and if I have moved on (and improved) after the NC period. Any suggestions how to handle this?

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 6, 2018 at 11:36 pm

      Hi Smilyn…so I think you have a lot on the ball and you were rise by initiating your NC period. Just be sure you roll it out the way I teach it in my Program as there are so many more elements to it than people realize. So, even those guys who are “players” or think of themselves as such are vulnerable to some of the psychological underpinnings associated with the NC principle. You can leverage your Friends network to potentially connect with him indirectly. But let me say, if he has not come to realize your value after 30-45 days, then its his loss.

  8. Jess

    December 19, 2017 at 9:50 pm

    So the guy I dated is a huge player. He is tall, very successful, very attractive, a former Hockey player. Trying to make this short…all his friends said I was his number 1 girl, he took me to all important events and that if anyone could change him it would be me. Otherwise he is too far gone (he lost his wife 8 years ago in a car accident) UNderstandably went on a spiral….but it’s been 8 years now. We connected on our backgrounds. My mom and her twin brother were adopted…turns out he was adopted and his sister! He is from Canada, so was my mom and her brother. I am Pocahontas he is John Smith…haha no literally (I am native american he is a tall white man with long hair and his name is Jon from Canada). I have been in no contact now for 2.5 months. Not a word from him. I did send 1 insta story to him at about a month and a half though if that counts ( I ate Taco Bell and he loves it) Not a response or word but he did start watching my insta stories, but has now backed off. I can assure you he is probably sleeping around and maybe has another new girl or 2. I do miss him, and I do think I am just being THAT GIRL who hopes he turns his life around and wants just one person again….me. It’s about to be 3 months no contact and Christmas. 🙁 Any advice? I’m keeping myself busy and going to all these fun events and dressing up and keeping in shape :). Do I reach out at some point or just keep waiting…? Even though he has many other girls fawning over him and throwing themselves at him all the time. Oh and he drinks and goes out a LOT. That was another issue.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 20, 2017 at 9:24 pm

      Hi Jess,

      move on from him.. he probably says that to every girl he’s with..

  9. Garima

    October 20, 2017 at 3:49 am

    Hey chris,
    So i got my ex bf back after 19 days of NC. He texted n was guilty of not stopping me when i broke up with him.
    Its been 2 days we r back together but when i text him on WhatsApp, i can see him active on Facebook but he doesn’t reply on WhatsApp to me, as he uses fb on his phone itself
    And whenever i ask him he says he wasn’t on Facebook at all. Sometimes it says he’s active since last 30mins or something but he doesn’t reply me on WhatsApp. What should I do?
    Should I confront him on this? As I cannot break up with him again. How to make him realise that I’ve my own value too and i can wall away anytime soon from him if this continues?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 23, 2017 at 1:06 pm

      Hi Garima,
      Check this one:
      Keeping Him Once You Get Him Back

  10. Daphane

    January 16, 2017 at 2:47 pm

    1year serious relationship and another year on and off post relationship’s relationship . After we made our break up official after the first time , we didnt speak for about a month but we could still see each other almost everyday in classes, i didnt know this website by then but we somehow got back together and broke up again for the second time .The feeling was never completely cut of even at time being so we kind of got back together and but what confused me is we dont actually have the official type relationship like we used to . I was unaware . This is the third time we broke up, no arguement , he explained as we graduated and may have seperate life soon . I pretty respect the decision as our relationship is somehow toxic . Maybe not really a perfect relationship but he is a lovely guy who would sing a song infront of everyone and say it’s for you on porm night (confused me because it was after he initiate to break up with me ) i dont know what to respond until he texted me about weeks later , friendly but at the end coming with something sexual , then it strike me of all the memory that it’s like most of the time we are just all about sexual more than those love story which we used to have back when the start, plus i get to know he seems like seeing someone new during that period .It got me really headache to think about it , so i stopped talking to him . Due to holiday , i am completely cut off from hearing or seeing him . If follow the no contact rule , today is the 28 of NCR , and it’s the first time i absolutely did not have anything in contact with him. My question is , is he wanting an FWB situation ? I might have been doing NCR before without acknowledge , is it still working ? The on off relationship that we have , toxic, what kind of aftertaste will it left ?

    1. Daphane

      January 17, 2017 at 12:07 am

      Thanks for replying ,another thing that i am worry is we dont hv much family and friends support . I thinks his friends will tell him that it is right to break up with me , on off relationship you know , sort of dramas we been through . We barely get to know each others’ families too , due cross-cultured and my parents are kind of old fashion.Hardship if he has to go with me , that pretty girl seems kind and lovely , their family knew each other as living in same circle. Is it still worth fighting for us ?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 17, 2017 at 3:58 pm

      I think it’s still is..set aside other people’s opinions because their reaction is just normal but they’re not the ones you want to have a realtionship with

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 16, 2017 at 8:54 pm

      Hi Daphne,

      usually with on and off relationships, you have to have longer period of no contact to break the cycle.. so, if you been sleeping with each other before, there’s a high chance that that’s what he would be wanting at first too.. I think you need to do at least 45 days

  11. Jess

    October 14, 2016 at 12:24 pm

    What if the “ex” is a player I went out for 10 dates with over 3 weeks? No exclusive relationship there and we don’t have the same social circle.

    He used to chase me really hard by asking me out everyday and texting through out the day but I had boundaries as he was stranger to me and I always say no. He was very keen to introduce me to his friends after 2 dates however it was at 8pm Friday so I said no. After that I reciprocated his enthusiasm I initiated plan once. He happily accepted and I also met his friend on a boy’s night.

    That night I went slept over on 5th date as I saw meeting friends and his eagerness as sign of seriousness, we didn’t have sex but we had foreplay. Since then I notice he was a bit distance.

    I asked if he has a gf and his sexual health history. He admit he has herpes so he is happy to be just a friend if I don’t want to risk it. I told him I’m attracted to him and want to keep exploring the possibility. If hangs goes well we can go to doctor for professional advice. He agree to it, he still treat me well like picking me up, dropping me off, paying for dates, gave me a book but I could sense he was doing a slow fade. Last I spoke to him was mid Sep. I asked to see him for 30 mins on my birthday (without mentioning it is my birthday but he probably remembered) ) he said he can’t and told me to enjoy the night. I responded no problem talk to you later. Since then we stopped talking and it’s been 3 weeks.

    Later I find out I was not the only one and he was dating many girls at once, I was the one he put most effort in and he also admit to me he got herpes but not to other girls he is having sex with.

    He is a real player but he is not officially an ex. Can I still use Chris’s teaching to get him back? Also how to get him to chase me without contacting him as we won’t run into each other?

    1. Jess

      December 6, 2016 at 7:09 pm

      Hi Amor

      While I was on holiday I made the wrong move by telling him I I fell guilty for not contacting him for awhile and like to be his friend. He goes it’s ok as we didn’t have the natural connection for relationship but he is totally up for being friends.

      he did get flirty he ended up sending me some nudes of himself. He didn’t ask for any in return. We continue chatting on and off and he was always helpful when I need advice.

      When I’m back in town I thrived to connect with him emotionally by asking about what makes him feel good and such. He would answer in a few words but adding a smiley face. So I kinda got him to open a little.

      On Friday he asked if I’m back. I said yes he goes it’s cool you are back stay out from the sun (he still remembers I get sun burnt easily) he asked if I want to go out and we can be wingman and wingwoman for each other. I didn’t reply quick enough and he added video games at my place before going out is also an option

      I already had other plans so I had to say no but I said I’m looking forward to next time. Then I said it you are that bored you can come to drinks with me but I have to go early. He said nah a small night out with you is a waste. I will save it. I want it all haha

      Since then I sent him some photos of weekend to share my love of nature and to get to know him been getting positive respond then he stopped responding when I showed him I was holding a baby to sleep. I send him that photo because he was talking about his niece and nephew moves him to take photos.

      Am I stuck in the friend Zone? I know he doesn’t usually share emotions I managed to get him to share a little which is good. He is dismissive avoidanT and I’m a fearful avoidant. I’m not sure if emotional connection can work with him?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 10, 2016 at 6:40 pm

      if emotional connection doesn’t work, then a romantic relationship isn’t possible for him? Did he stop intentionally or he just doesn’t have anything to say after that message?

    3. Jess

      November 10, 2016 at 11:17 am

      Hi Amor

      I finally break contact after 6 weeks. Simply just to ask him questions for some stuff and to let him know I’m going for vacation.

      He was intrigued and asked where am I going and I played 20 questions with him. He finally guessed where I am but I let him know I have more destinations. I mentioned I tried to finish reading his book but ended up chatting to the person next to me on flight. He didn’t respond to that. He might have forgotten he lent me a book.

      Later I needed his advice on some serious matter. I know he is not 100% confident with it and he did research and such to find the answer and solution for me. His text were quick and long.

      He brought up a game character I cosplyaed for and that character is the one I used often when I played against him. I said I still remember how I defeat him. He dismissed that and just carried on with serious matters.

      He is friendly but not flirty at all. I had other ex who approach me who quickly steer the direction towards sex. He is the opposite. Not sure if our situation is positive?

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 13, 2016 at 5:10 pm

      yes, it’s positive.. Dont rush. That’s good that he’s friendly..

    5. Jess

      October 18, 2016 at 11:27 pm

      A friend found out for me that he is well aware of no contact rules. He is expecting girls to contact again in 1-3 months just to try again. I understand active no contact is better but would it still work on him if he is aware that your seemingly innocent text is to try again?

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 20, 2016 at 7:44 pm

      hmmm..there’s less chance that it will work.. so you have to seem like you are really moving on during no contact..

    7. Jess

      October 15, 2016 at 7:18 am

      Thanks Amor. Listened to that podcast and it definitely gave me a better idea of what to text him.

    8. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 16, 2016 at 2:49 pm

      You’re welcome!

    9. Jess

      October 14, 2016 at 7:51 pm

      Oops I forgot to change the name to jess in previous comment! Would you please change it for me??? Thanks!!!

    10. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 15, 2016 at 3:37 am

      Done 🙂

      Nope it’s not chasing.. it depends on what text you will send..
      check this for a first contact text:
      EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

    11. Jess

      October 14, 2016 at 7:49 pm

      Hi Amor

      Can’t agree with you more. I’ve been reading some self improvement books to work on spirituality and communication skills. I’ve also book a trip to enjoy a holiday and broaden my horizon.

      I guess I will do a no contact for 60 days with him as I’m not ready yet and I’m also very busy with work and self improvement plus a trip coming up.

      How should I break no contact with him? If I send him a text it would it be perceived as I’m chasing him?

    12. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 14, 2016 at 4:54 pm

      Hi Jess,

      Yes, you can still try to use it.. Well, the best you can do to raise your chances of him chasing you is to really just improve yourself, massively and continuously..

  12. Sonya

    September 28, 2016 at 6:10 am

    He now msged:
    Sorry for being a dick & not respecting you.
    Understand why you finally blocked me!!!
    Take care x

    Does this mean a thing? Do I have a chance to get him back? I want him to realise my value and want to give us a real chance.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 29, 2016 at 10:20 am

      yes, it looks like he’s missing you and understanding your hurt.. you have to be actively improving yourself.. If you blocked him on facebook or instagram unblock him but dont send a friend request.. It would be better if he can easily see your posts..

  13. Sonya

    September 25, 2016 at 11:47 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I met first 5 yrs ago. Dated for a few months broke up. Got back a year later broke up cause he was too busy making money and then 3 yrs later he gets in touch with me. I was single so gave it a shot but he has a son full time dad and a business making millions. So he is even busy. He’s scared to comit fully and gives me excuse his life is so busy.

    Long story short we have broken up many times over the course of months. I was sick of his giving me attention then going quiet. I understand he has duties as a father but he did say his son is no. 1 and he can’t offer me more. So three weeks ago I took a step and msged him I love you but I can’t do this anymore. I thought this time we would end up together but I realise we are not meant to be. Take care and I want you to be happy.

    Then 2 weeks later I get a msg him liking my profile pic. I ignore. Then now he sends me this

    Just been chatting to a girl in Vegas that soooo totally reminded me of you – in every way!

    Indian, Professor, Smart, Savvy & Hot
    (ok, so you’re way hotter ☺)

    Even had your cute accent

    I’m in bed now

    Why is he being so evil? If he wants to be with other woman why does he want to rub it in.i was so decent with him. Isn’t this disrespectful ? Also is he a player? Plus if he’s having fun chatting up women why text me from a different country ? Look forward to hearing from you.

    1. Sonya

      September 27, 2016 at 11:32 pm

      He msged me again on text after blocking him on whatsapp.

      Sorry for being a dick & not respecting you.
      Understand why you finally blocked me!!!
      Take care x

      Does he still not care? Do you think he’s understood how much he’s hurt me? Do you think he wants to try back? I do miss him sometimes. Please advice. I’m stll on no contact mode. What can I do for making my chances with him higher with him wanting a full on relationship ?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 29, 2016 at 5:21 am

      yes, it looks like he’s missing you and understanding your hurt.. you have to be actively improving yourself.. If you blocked him on facebook or instagram unblock him but dont send a friend request.. It would be better if he can easily see your posts..

    3. Sonya

      September 27, 2016 at 1:40 pm

      I’m doing the no contact and been three weeks but he’s texted three times over this course and I ignored. Now I blocked him. He’s obviously still thinking of me and he had mentioned in very different before than any girl he’s met and I also believe I’m the best that’s happened to him. He’s stll slightly emotionally connected to me. I want this player to change. Since the calls are on my court, is there a chance he may continue to pursue and decide he’s ready for full on relationship ? Thanks. I want him to realise my worth and make me a part of his life

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 28, 2016 at 3:56 pm

      yep, there’s a chance

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 26, 2016 at 10:58 am

      Hi Sonya,

      actually it looks like he was trying to say that he met a hot girl but you were still hotter so, he’s missing you. Don’t give in girl.. Even though he is far the message actually sounds like a booty call too

  14. Lily

    June 14, 2016 at 6:32 pm

    Hi! First off thank you so much for this site, it’s awesome!

    My ex is a player. We’re both near our thirties. We’ve been 6-8 months together that where absolutely perfect, he was crazy in love with me saying I was the one (I met his family and friends often) and I’m one of his only serious relationships. Until I told him how I wanted to take things further and live together. Oh and my ex hit on me at a party, tried to kiss me in front of him about that same time. He kinda changed since then. He told me he wanted to go back to how he was, as a player, that he just couldn’t help himself even if he has feelings for me. At first I didn’t want to loose him, I accepted, lasted four months. Then he broke up with me telling me he felt guilty, and that he thinks we don’t communicate well anymore. We communicated really well when he wasn’t seeing other women, just now I’m paranoid and feel insecure and left out. I was even more sad. I was being needy and depressed.
    I didn’t talk to him for about tree weeks but then got in touch with him to get my stuff back. He then told me he was thinking of stopping being a player because his mom told him it wasn’t good, and I bought it. I started sleeping with him again for four months. Until I found out he still is playing and I’m not seeing him change, so we’re fighting again. He says I’m suffocating him. That I should accept how he is if I love him instead of trying to change him. Are some guys really players and can’t help it?
    Since our fight we haven’t been talking for a week. I’m in exams right now and have to study, and didn’t want to be a nag. He sent me a text asking how I was doing today.
    I read your page on what to do if you sleep with an ex. So I did 7 day no contact. Last time we talk he told me he just needed space, that he’s still there for me. I answered that I needed to hear that and love him. Should I talk again by friendzoning him or should I break things off and do 30 days? Except he’s going to ask why I’m no longer talking to him. Do I need to first break things off with him, tell him it’s over? That I don’t want to be in a relationship without commitment or faithfulness, so that he understands why I’m no longer talking?

    I think he thinks I’m always going to put up with his player ways and accept it, because at first I said I’d try to understand him. I think he doesn’t understand I want commitment and for him to change. A part from his player ways he’s perfect, we get along on everything. I know for the first time that this in the man I want to be with. But I want to be back with the man I knew for the first six months, not this… I also know he had a really bad breakup with his ex a couple of years back, she cheated on him. He always loved to seduce girls, but his ex just made his player habits worse his friends say. I’m sure he’s just insecure.

    1. Lily

      June 15, 2016 at 2:13 am

      Oh and each time I try to give him a boost, saying I need him to be the real alpha male that I know he is by taking charge and making me feel his like he did on our first six months, that I’m like a wild horse that needs to be chased and saddled otherwise someday I’m going to want to run off to greener pastures, he freaks out and tells me I’m just making him unsure of himself, that I’m putting too much pressure on him and that I’m emotionally blackmailing him… Yet I keep telling him too that he’s my hero and the most amazing man I’ve met, I know that a woman has to make her man feel valued! Sometimes I want to shake him up hoping his balls will come back with me instead of him getting them fondled elsewhere! I don’t know if I’m being too brutal (since that’s what he’s saying) or definitely not enough (I feel like I’m being his nanny) .
      Jeez reading all of this makes him sound like a coward. What do you do when you love a cowardly lion…

      (sorry for the huge comment nagging 🙁 I just want to find my fighting lion back and miss him so much! )

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 17, 2016 at 6:55 pm

      Hi Lily..

      … a cowardly lion gets killed and no lioness partners with a cowardly one because she will get killed too.. I think you really need to assess what your standards are because you worried about breaking his trust and yet that’s what he does to you by being a player..I know that’s harsh but you have to value yourself first so, that others will know how to value you too.. ok?
      are you following Chris’ advice above?

    3. Lily

      June 15, 2016 at 1:44 am

      Basically what I want to know are two things:
      – Does he have to believe I don’t want him back for him to come back? And so in that case should I clearly tell him I want to move on and don’t want him anymore even if it’s not true? I’ve been such a gnat and so forgiving, even if we are not longer officially together, should I “break up” with him?
      – Do I have to say exactly what I want (commitment and faithfulness) to him, before NC, so that he clearly knows what he has to work on to get me back?
      -Also, I’ve done NC for 3 weeks already before being friends with benefits. So will a long period -as in over a week- NC the best option? Or does is this past week enough and I should reply to his message to go on with friendzone?

      He has a huge charismatic persona, but is deep inside very insecure and thinks he’s unable to change and therefore unworthy of a stable relationship. When he broke up with me it’s because he thought he was treating me badly by not being faithful, so he preferred to break things off with me because of his guilt! He wants a family, he isn’t religious but grew up in a strict religious household and believes that because he’s too “full of sin” that he’s not husband material, that redemption doesn’t work when you’re too stained with sinful habits, that I deserve better. He sounds like a sex junkie and that what he sometimes says he is. When I was angry I told him he was right just to provoke him sometimes, and he just said that he wishes me all the best and just hopes he’ll see me with a better man because he wants to see me happy.
      I’m afraid he’ll just think I’m better off him instead of fighting to get me back if I really say that I’m done seeing him. I don’t know if I have to hide/lie about my true feelings, I’m afraid he’ll loose all hope to get me and give up (he told me he needs me by his side in life, couldn’t take to loose me near him, and needs positive encouragement). This is confusing because at the same time I feel I’ve been so forgiving that I’m sure he knows I’ll always be there, and since he’s insecure and scared since with what happened in his past relationship I see that he needs reassurance. But from what I’m reading men like a UG, and he is being a player and trying to get other girls (often girls he’ll randomly meet at bars, always just physical and one night stands) … So is rejecting him a good idea really? I hate hurting his feelings but I do realize he might need to be put in hot water for him to change. Do I really have to be mean and cold with him for him to get moving? It seems awful, I don’t want to break him or his trust, because how will he feel emotionally secure even if we do get back if he’s bitter from me hurting him? I can be really cold and hard if you say I have to but I don’t want him to resent me for it if we get back together, I want him to be stronger from it if I do so!

  15. Z

    June 10, 2016 at 2:01 pm

    He initiated a message after I made the closure (I said i hope we can still be freinds), his message was”Hi, how are you doing?” I responded next day, ” Sorry I have been busy, I’m doing pretty well, you?’ he responded “fine, glad to hear you’ve been preoccupied”. I have no idea what he meant. like I metioned, I texted him again in a week, he responded, he never initiated later, then I found this website and decided to try NC. After I finished 30 days, I reached out to him , he never responded. I have no idea what to do next, we had calm break up, although he blocked my phone number.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 15, 2016 at 8:24 am

      Hi Z,

      when did he block your number?

  16. Z

    May 25, 2016 at 7:37 am

    Hi, my situation is kind of different. My ex and i were in a crossed-country releationship. we had been dating only for 2months (we started dating in a week he came in my country), he broke up with me throug a chatting app (he texted, ”it is best to be over as a couple”), i begged in the begainning,he said we could date, but he wantted to see other people, after that i kind of made a closure, (i texted, ”i hope we can still be freinds”, he replied,”Yes, of course we can be freinds, i just came into conclusion that we were not right for on another, i want to be freinds and hope we can hang out in the furture”). Then on a Saturday afternoon(April 30), he sent me a greeting message, i responded next day,i sent him a greeting message on next coming Friday, he responded on Saturday night….we only meaasaged on a chatting app. It’s been 2months since we broke up. I don’t know if i did wrong, he stopped texting and even deleted my phone number. How can i get him back? Does it work to use no contact rule in my case? 2 months was really short, but i really want to get him back.Please help me out. I couldn’t buy those books, is there any way to buy?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 27, 2016 at 10:31 am

      Hi Z,

      for now, credit card is the only option.. did it get boring when you started textibg again?

  17. Renee

    May 10, 2016 at 3:02 am

    Me & my ex dated for 4-5 months. I’m a virgin, but we did “other sexual things” together without going all the way. Anyway, one day he just started ignoring me, I sent him a break up, no hard feelings, wish u the best of luck kind of text, basically saying I don’t wanna be together anymore. I didn’t mean it but I thought it’s the best way to get my power back. After that text he suddenly texted me back. Saying he doesn’t care, I ignored it, I went into NC. During NC he sent about 8 negative texts. Most were sexual & vulgar. During the NC, he texted me from a different number, I guess he was desperate bc I was ignoring him during NC. Anyway, I answered the unfamiliar number & he was negative again, dissing me and making vulgar sexual statements. I told him he’s pathetic & sounds unstable. After a while, we were talking on & off, he asked me out, I made a huge mistake & did some sexual things w him. I went into NC again, recently I’ve made the initial text, but I barely respond to him & now he is back at being sexuality vulgar towards me. How do I handle this? What does this mean? Is he doing it to piss me of? He knows I don’t respond positively to it, why’s he doing this. Is he that dumb to really think I’m gonna sleep w him out of the blue. Please explain and help!

    1. Renee

      May 27, 2016 at 3:13 am

      Hey Amor!

      So recently after the whole disrespect thing I told u about, I did a short week NC. I then texted him saying I just passed by the park we used to go to and had a memory. He said he had a memory too. Then he said something sexual, I said u ruined it. He said how, I said by being vulgar & sexuality vulgar. He said sorry. He said he didn’t mean what he said before. I ended the convo. Then he texted me the next day something sexual but not vulgar, saying what he wants to do to me. I said stop talking to me like this please. He said he’s only being honest. I said find another girl to replace me. He said he has 5 now. I start laughing. I said tell me something sweet, he said he wants to suck on my lips & something else. I said stop dreaming about me. He replies texting “why are u taken or something”. I ignored that text hoping it makes him jealous, but usually ignoring him bothers him a lot. Of course he didn’t take well to the ignoring of his text & he texts again something sexual. I don’t know if he’s doing this to make me upset or what?? Anyways that’s where we’ve left off. Please give me advice. I think I need to so a better job of stirring the convos away from the topic of sex. Help please.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 30, 2016 at 3:52 am

      well the only good thing is, he’s still attracted to you and you can laugh at his sexual moves.. Just try to initiate a new topic you can talk about.. and whenever he becomes sexual again, reply in a way that can tease him but also lets him know your standards.. like if he sees he thinks about your lips.. tell him,”Yeah, I love biting my lips too.. they’re so soft.. my future bf is really lucky to kiss this lips hahaha!” and then introduce a new topic

    3. Renee

      May 16, 2016 at 2:49 am

      Why did you tell me to listen to that episode… It’s from a woman who was never in a relationship with that guy.. My situation was with someone I was with a 4-5 month relationship and slept with once after we broke up. Kissed multiple times but slept with just once. Do you think that episode still pertains to me? Is this one ( EBR 018: I Hooked Up With My Ex… Now What?) more relevant to follow for me than the other episode? The instructions are different that’s why I need to know exactly.. Thanks!

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 19, 2016 at 8:50 am

      sorry, I forgot to say why, it’s because you did 50 days nc, and now it’s supposed to be like a restart.. but honestly, he’s verbally abusive.. you could choose which one of the posts you would follow.. YOu can still try the I hooked with my ex strategy but know when is enough to stop.. if he doesn’t see your value after that, it should be game over.

    5. Renee

      May 11, 2016 at 1:40 pm

      I did my 2nd NC for about 50 days (because I had messed up by doing sexual things with him after the 1st NC so I wanted to hit the reset button, so I did NC) , then I recently initiated contact, asking for help with my car (this was 3 weeks ago). Since then he has been texting me, both asking what’s up and also sexuality aggressive/vulgar texts. I hate those texts, so I ignore them, he texts more when I ignore him. He really hates it but it keeps him initiating more. If I do reply, I say a short answer. I’m actually angry he sends those disrespectful sexual texts, so yesterday he texts me “so what’s up with you” I replied “my standards, bye” he completely cursed at me hardcore, and tried to devalue me, calling me a girl with no standards, a whore & he’s basically owned me before. None are true. I am so upset with his disrespect. How do I react to it in a way he respects me again. Do you think he meant it? Do u think he feels rejected and that’s why he lashed at me? I don’t want him to ever talk to me this way. Help.

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 15, 2016 at 2:00 am

      Yeah, I think he felt rejected… You should read this blog post: EBR 006: How To Turn Friends With Benefits Into A Relationship

      but honestly I think you should move on from him.. it’s not worth it to be with someone who disrespects you.

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 10, 2016 at 7:40 am

      Hi Renee,

      It think he’s taking a chance again because you did sexual things with him when you were talking on and off. You said you did nc again? how long? were you active in doing new things too and improving yourself?

  18. Olivia

    April 14, 2016 at 2:04 am

    My situation is a little unique the background is this :
    My close friend of four years and I got together finally after years of us being just friends , this was all his doing. To be Honest I’m a bit out of his league and he knows it. After we got together and he admitted he had a crush for years, We talked daily but it was long distance so I guess he got bored with me not being near him and admittedly I was too excited by the idea of this and perhaps scared him. I pressed for him to visit me and wasbt acting like the ungettabke gitl and he resumed being a player in my absence. We never were official so this is ok I guess. What isn’t ok is when he pulled a stunt (totally blew me off after we planned a visit for awhile) and I got angry so I went no contact. He didn’t contact me either and I don’t know if during the thirty days he was silent was because he wanted me to cool of or what. During no contact he creeped on my snapchats, liked fb photos and posts and generally creeped around. I ignored him and these feeble attempts to let me know he was still there.
    Cut to thirty days no contact literally to the day he contacted me. I ignored it because I wanted to go 35 days. He sent another message which I ignored . These were general messages.
    Finally I opened up communication again and slowly built up the texts . I kept the convo light. Two weeks now and things have progressed we have discussed the past issues and I called him out on it gently. He acknowledged his part and said he had anxiety about me wanting a relationship (which mind you I didn’t but he’s got issues so somewhere there was a communication breakdown ) now he is still talking to other girls and he has admitted to it but now he’s also brought me back into the equation. He’s admitted that in his closest and only real female friend that’s not a random hookup, so I guess that is something? However The conversations keep getting steered to sexual by him and I keep them general. He reminisced about how great sex was between us with no prompting recently and kept talking about all the things he liked abut me sexually. I realize this means nothing when no action backs it up like I don’t know a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP . Basically we are back to where we started . so in theory I have him back but not completely . There is no commitment here because I know he’s still talking to other girls. He’s discussed visiting me and when we’d see eachother again. But again the discussion turned sexual because he told me that he wants to be with me again physically when we see eachother.
    We will see eachother in a month at an event and we are staying at the same house . I’m nervous about sticking to not sleeping with him and how to end the “date” on a high note if he and I are sleeping in the same place. I also want to keep the momentum going and keep his interest so when I do move back, he wants to be with me and only me. I don’t know how to do this.

    He’s also super shy normally but has recently started telling me EVERYTHING. His past with girls his thoughts etc. he’s also trying to be all dominant now which was never something he did before. I don’t know what this means and if he’s trying to paint himself as an Alpha male to get me to jump ? He’s very insecure and he craves validation but when he gets it he withdraws.

    I’m not sure how to handle this guy. Do I refriendzone him? Do I keep him at arms length and be ungettable until he commits to me? He might not ever honestly and I don’t feel like wasting my time. He’s a player no doubt but an undercover one.

    I’m sorry that was so long but I wanted to be as detailed as possible.

    1. Olivia

      April 14, 2016 at 2:31 pm

      Thanks Amor this makes sense.
      I will just continue what I’m doing and not sleep with him and stick to my boundaries. I’m not afraid to lose him. Im the catch here honestly so if he wants to be with me he can put in the work and effort and make changes . Otherwise he can take a walk and find another girl who will allow that treatment.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 16, 2016 at 8:56 am

      You’re welcome! That’s good!

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 14, 2016 at 11:55 am

      Hi Olivia,

      hahhahaha! an undercover player is indeed unique! But a player still.. the only way a player commits, is if you really don’t want him because he’s a player but he likes you enough to change and he sees that he can’t keep being player because your standards don’t allow it..

      So in a sense, you have to risk losing him because it’s either you will be the one who stays and changes your standards or he will see that he has to change if he really wants to keep you.

  19. Avid Follower

    April 3, 2016 at 10:13 pm

    How long are we supposed to do the no contact? Because my ex usually never texts me first. He has only done it twice since the year and a half we broke up. We go to the same college and he is so hot and cold I never know what to expect. Last May he messaged me about 7 months after we broke up and we started hanging out but then he decided he couldn’t date me again because he still believed that I cheated and he was better without me. I was heart broken and it completely destroyed me because we were so close to getting back together and I really thought I had it but he slipped away. Then after that he messaged me super late on my birthday probably drunk but to fight with me and be a complete jerk denying that he added me on Facebook last week and saying he was friends with me since May when we were just talking which was a lie and didn’t even say happy birthday. We still see each other at the college bars and around campus and he is always talking or flirting with a new girl and likes all my friends pictures on social media and tells everyone he is so over me and really moved on. Then in march it was his birthday and I ran into him at the bar and said happy birthday and started to walk away and he pulled me aside being super nice and happy to see me and was talking to me about old friends and memories from the past until one of his friends that was a girl pulled him away (He is always with tons of girls and asks a different girl every week to a different fraternity event of his).He texted me only for a little the next day and after that I thought things were going well and civil. The next week his best friend told me that he heard from my ex that we were texting and things were getting better and to keep trying because he truly believed that my ex and I would get married eventually so I got my hopes up. So a couple weeks later I messaged him hey how are you? And he responded by saying “sooooooo good” and then I asked him what he was doing from spring break and he said “Houston” and I was like thats funny thats where my family lives now (which he knows) and he responded by saying “It was a joke. Why the fuck would I go to Houston” and then asked why I was texting him and I said well cause I still care and wanted to see how you were and he responded “well I don’t care”. I told him I was trying to be civil like he wanted and be the bigger person cause back in January we got in a fight cause I was ignoring him completely at parties and didn’t even say hi and was being immature so i tried showing I could be the bigger person and instead he laughs and says “you have never been the bigger person and to stop telling people we were engaged because we weren’t. Then he told me to “stop texting him and leave him alone and if I see him at the bars I can say hi but thats it”. His friend then texted me apologizing saying he never should have said what he said and to forget what he told me. I am just completely confused and don’t know what to do. I really do want him back more then anything but it has been a year and a half if you don’t include the month of May we were getting back together. Im starting to believe that it really is completely over and I should give up. Is there absolutely anything I can do or can you help me describe what is going on in his mind cause I am so confused. Please help me I really need help.

    1. Avid Follower

      April 4, 2016 at 5:35 pm

      Do you have any advice on why he is acting like this? Or why he is so hot and cold? Could you help me understand his words and actions please? Does it seem like I have any chance at all a getting him back, cause it appears like deep down he still has feelings but is scared and insecure and in his fraternity partying stage and if I just take a step back and leave him alone that maybe with time when he matures he will realize he messed up and miss me because he really hasn’t dated anyone since me.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 5, 2016 at 6:17 am

      if I’m just going to base it on your comment he looks like a young frat boy enjoying and partying all the time.. and finds you too serious for can be a phase.. but him realizing he loves you still will also depend on how you are at the time he’s done partying..

      For example.. if he knows you have been just waiting, or in his mind right now, chasing him.. that can turn him off.. because he might think you’re clingy.. but if you really moved on and focused on yourself improvement and he sees you’re not the same girl as before, then there’s a chance..

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 4, 2016 at 1:31 pm

      Hi avid follower,

      you said he’s always around girls? He looks like a player, and with what he said,any move you make will just scream chasing… For me you should move on and if he says he wants you back, let him do the effort

  20. Dede

    March 28, 2016 at 9:24 pm

    Yes it does appear that I was just an option. It didn’t appear that way at first, we would see each other frequently during the week, got snowed in together, he would text me everyday and send me YouTube clips of love songs, tell me he missed me. I was pretty strong with him in the beginning, and since he’s a player it clearly threw him off balance and made him want to pursue me more. But hen when this recent scenario happened I felt like I had to corner him with specific questions in order to get the truth – i.e. He never closed the door on his ex, but was making it seem like he was interested in a commitment with me – hence I guess that’s part of why you (Amor) says he just made me an option. Amor let me ask you a question, he never wanted a commitment with me in the first place did he? He probably just wanted me to fall for him, and so mission accomplished, I was just an option (like the others) until he figures out what he wants to do with his ex girlfriend. Yes, moving on is the only option. Fortunately I’ve cut him off and haven’t seen him since.

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