EBR 058: Why He Really Broke Up With You…

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

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“How can I be reasonable? To me our love was everything and you were my whole life. It is not very pleasant to realize that to you it was only an episode.” W. Somerset Maugham

It is said that when one goes through a breakup they go through a withdrawal period. Similar to that of a drug addict. It is also said that some breakups can be so devastating that you can feel a sharp pain in your chest. Similar to that of an heart attack.

Here’s my point.

Going through a breakup is not easy. Which is why I make an active effort to help out as many people as I can through this website.

That’s where McKensie comes into play.

You see, McKensie is fresh off a very painful breakup and finds herself at a point where she just wants answers for what the hell happened in her situation.

And that’s what this episode is all about.

Providing her with those answers!

I prepped for this episode for an hour before recording it because I really wanted to have something insightful to say since McKensie’s situation is pretty complex.

Enjoy!

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Video For Episode 58 (Why He Really Broke Up With You…)

How are the videos coming along in your opinion?

Slowly but surely the “Ex Recovery Headquarters” is coming to fruition. If you couldn’t tell we got this epic glass dry erase board with our logo etched into it,

glass-dry-erase-board

Plus a pretty awesome logo sign so we have a more professional look around the office,

logo

Honestly, I can’t wait until it’s done!

But enough of that. You probably want to hear about McKensie’s situation!

McKensie’s Situation

  • She is currently on day 9 of the no contact rule
  • She dated her ex boyfriend for a total of 9 weeks
  • Both of them were 28 years old
  • They got serious very quickly
  • She was the first girl that he had ever introduced to his family (not sure I buy that completely)
  • A few weeks after introducing her to his family he started acting weird
  • He started saying “things just aren’t right” and broke up with her
  • He removed photos of them on Facebook but left a few of her where she was tagged in but didn’t actually appear in
  • Two weeks into dating he picked up two new roommates who were 22 and 23 years old
  • He recently tested positive for a heart mutation
  • Also, his workload is crazy

What We Talk About In This Episode

  • The role of him testing positive for a heart mutation played in the breakup
  • The “roommate factor”
  • Why his workload is an important aspect to look at
  • Taking Facebook pictures down is a common practice
  • Not to read too much into the Facebook pictures
  • GIGS
  • Becoming the best version of yourself
  • Do things that make YOU feel good

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

Transcript For Episode 58

Click Here To Download The Transcript For Episode 58

 

February 1, 2017

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

Take 4 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Your Chances!

What Do You Think? (46)

  1. Amy - 0

    Amy

    Ive been reaaally confused with my ex’s behaviour before our break up. He changed overnight. We had an amazing 8 month relationship. He was super affectionate and just perfect. However he did tell me that he has never been the affectionate type and so he said that i must be really special bcs i could bring out that side of him. He said he used to be selfish and never wanted to commit into a relationship but after meeting me he said he changed. He always said i bring out the positive side of him and made him a better person. But then one day we had a stupid fight. In the middle of the fight i asked him ‘do you hate me now’ and turns out he got REALLY hurt by that simple question. He said why would i ask that question when he has given me so much. THEN BAM HE CHANGED. He was less affectionate. He did say sorry the next day and ‘im not giving up on us’ but nothing felt the same like before. Day by day things got worse and eventually we broke up. He told me that since that day we fought, it’s like i triggered his old self to resurface (the unaffectionate selfish one) bcs when i asked that question he felt like all his efforts on me were wasted bcs i felt like he hated me (when i obviously didnt feel that way AT ALL) and he thought why bother being loving anymore? So what the heck is going on here. Is that the real reason he broke with me or is it just an excuse. And how can i change him back to his loving attitude? It’s killing me how a stupid question i asked ruined our amazing relationship.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Amy,

      maybe he waa really pissed.. dont chase.. let him cool down during your no contact period while improving yourself

  2. lei - 0

    lei

    my boyfriend for 6 years broke up with me and the reason why is because im too attached on him which is me from the beginning of our relationship then why all of a sudden it was his issue and he said that he need space and if we were meant to be then we are.. but he said that i can still call or text him whenever i wanted and we can have a small talk.. that third party is not the reason.. what im i going to do?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Lei,

      I think he meant you’re needy clingy..do you want to try the no
      contact rule?

  3. Anon - 0

    Anon

    Hi,

    My ex and I broke up almost a month and a half ago (he broke up with me). I completed no contact (for a little over a month) – did not talk to him, got a new hairstyle, kept busy, etc.

    A couple days ago, he came by to give me my things back. We talked for a couple of hours. And he revealed that he broke up with me because he didn’t feel that initial excitement anymore. He said that our relationship was good, but just didn’t feel as good as it did in the beginning (we dated for almost 7 months in total). He said that if there wasn’t that contrast, that maybe he wouldn’t have broken up with me. Basically, it sounded like he broke up with me because the honeymoon phase was over.

    I know that he misses me, still cares about me, and is still attracted to me. We hugged, kissed, held hands, and he tried to have sex with me, but I refused (he initiated all of this). He also cried and told me that I was the best gf he’s ever had.

    After he left, we texted for a bit (it got quite flirty at times).

    The next day, he was supposed to go out of town for the day and I texted him to say “have fun” (which in retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have). He didn’t reply, but I saw that he watched my Snapchat stories (I put 2 photos up).

    Now, I’m thinking that perhaps I should do a bit of no contact again, including no social media. And then maybe text him again in about a week or two (on a Friday, since he told me that he misses me most on Fridays – we had almost like a ritual on Fridays while we were together).

    What do you think?

    Reply
  4. Jessica - 0

    Jessica

    Hi Amor,
    I was broken up with a few days ago. It wasn’t much of a shock, he has been very busy and rarely had time to be together. He said it wasn’t fair to me for him to be busy all of the (trying to get his life on track) while I’m wondering what he is doing. Before he got busy, our relationship was amazing. We got along great and had many of the same likes and dislikes. We haven’t spoken since the breakup and I’m starting to lose hope. What do I do?
    Thank you!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jessica,

      do you want to try to do the no contact rule?

  5. Kate - 0

    Kate

    I became a member 18 hours ago. So far the e-book and guide has calmed me down a LOT. But I have a unique situation. Please help

    I am ABOUT to be broken up with. It will happen after 9pm this Wednesday. It is 954 am Tuesday. In 35 hours he wants to meet me to break up (he has pretty much done this already over two emails [out of nowhere], a weeks time of communication silence). I need guidance to be able to use my e-book and all its components after this is done Wednesday nite. I want to lay a foundation for us to be able to eventually/ hopefully get back together.

    We have been together since July 2105 (a little over a year), we have only had a few small fights. He has ‘come back’ each time. He runs a business where he lives an 1.5 hours away from me, a business in the town I live in and a business remotely in Germany. He travels over a dozen times a year. I have been understanding, helped him with his business when he asked, helped in outfit (furniture, décor, physical labor) his business in the town I live in, he has met my family/friends, I have met his friends. He is at times very private. He has struggled in the last 7 months with opening the second business here in my town. It has lightly impacted our sex life/amount of time we can spend together but we are trying. His mother is ailing and he knows she will pass soon. He went to Germany to tend the the business there and we had a ‘bloom’ of closer romance in emails and prior to his departure 2 weeks ago. I was elated. His last email before he came back to the United States was that he was in an airport on a layover and he couldn’t wait to see me in less than 24 hrs. Then he got home. I gave him a chance to sleep (jet lag) and to catch up with his dogs/businesses/mail/etc. He let me know something was VERY wrong with one of his dogs and had to immediately go to the vet. He stated that he had walked into a series of bad problems the moment he came home. then I got this text:

    “N– (dog) had to be brought home. They can’t see him til tomorrow. I have to be honest with you, I am going to have to step back from you and I for a while. I’m sorry to say these words but, right now my life is falling apart and I just can’t keep up. I’m completely smothered and I am drowning. This is of no fault of your own, I am just barely holding myself together. I’m having too many things fall through, people not keeping their word on deals and agreements, I just keep falling into further complications. I know that you may feel that this not fair to you, and I would not argue that with you. But, I need you to know that this is not about you, it is about me. Not in a selfish full of myself kind of way. But, if I am f*cked up and not together how can I be of any use to anyone else? I am not doing well, I am unhappy with everything that is in front of me, everything. And I have to pull myself out of it. I am sorry, this is not what you want to hear, and not what I set out to do but, it is what I feel I have to do. You have been there for me and I do not take that for granted. If you feel that I have, I am sorry. My heart is in a bad place and I will not drag you into or through that. You are too good a person and an amazing woman for all of that. I am truly sorry and heartbroken and I am lost.”

    I panicked a little and sent him reminders that he is strong and tried to call. He sent this while I was at work and then would not take my call. He message me that my text were not helping and to return to work. I did not call or text him until 4 days later and I wrote.

    “G,
    You are obviously going through much more than I realized. It seems it is in such an overwhelming amount right now that you thought of me first and wanted to shield me from it. That sent a clear message that you care. I cannot understand what you are going through, but all I can offer is my patience. I respect your need for space. Take your time and whatever you decide; I’ll be okay with. I’m happy you’re being strong enough to ask to step back from you and I for a while. I will be patient & honor your decision about what you have expressed that you need.

    -K”

    He did not respond until yesterday (a week) and it was bad. He emailed me in the middle of the day again while I was at work.

    “k,
    i am very appreciative of the feelings that you have and
    your willingness to be patient, etc… i’m just not able to do
    this anymore. i am in too much turmoil over everything in my
    life and this adds to it. i can’t be the person you need me to
    be. i appreciate all of your kind words of encouragement but,
    as down and dark as i feel, at this moment, it is not helping
    me but, making me feel more guilt and more pain. you deserve
    a solid, positive, and “normal” relationship. i am not and can
    not provide you with those things. you are a great woman,
    you will find a love that gives you all and more of what you
    need. i have to move out and away from this. i appreciate the
    care and concern that you have shown me, i am not the kind
    of person to hurt myself or do anything drastic, i’m just not in
    a good place with who i am as a person, a teacher, a business
    owner, etc…. i want only for you to be happy, i’m sorry that i
    longer can provide that for you. i’m not wanting this to be ugly or end in an argument,
    or any ill will for that matter. i have only respect and care for
    you. without sounding trite and immature, i do need to get the
    bagpipes from you, either tonight or wednesday night. please
    let me know what is best.
    humbly,
    g ”

    I responded with this: “G-

    Thank you for taking some time and then emailing me. I cant meet tonite as I have a commitment I cannot cancel. You are welcome to come by my house or I can come to you with the bagpipes on Wednesday nite. There is nothing for me to be ugly about with you. I would ask that you give me a moment to speak with you, it would mean a lot to me. Thank you.

    -K”

    He responded with this: “Of course. I will be there Wednesday night.”

    Please, my case is a bit unique. I need guidance in the next 30 hours to be able to meet him, give him back his item, accept the breakup with grace. Say the right things that may allow him to be receptive down the road to me and not MESS it up.

    Please, please help me,

    Thank you,
    K

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kate,
      I edited your comment because we don’t make private emails public unless you want other commenters to email you too. I suppose you already talked? How was it?

  6. Jots - 0

    Jots

    I have this long distance relationship of 2 years. I live in philippines and he is in the US. We never met personally.
    My ex broke up with me because i was clingy, possessive and annoying. (We broke up many times because of this) I kept blowing up his phone and we kept on fighting. After that one fight, he just went cold and distant. He unfriended me on facebook. So after a lot of bargaining, he took me back, saying we need to manage our anger better. He went cold and distant ever since. He replies less and less until icouldnt take it anymore. We fought again. He unfriended me again on fb.
    Out of desperation, i messaged one of his friends. The friend got mad and told me to stop including him in whatever problem i and my bf have. The friend showed my messages to my bf and bf got so so mad. He said i was annoying and childish and a stalker. He asked me to delete him, his family and friends off of facebook and i should never contact him or.them again. Or else he will file harrassment on me.

    He is so so mad. He hurt me with those words. I felt like a criminal. Ive never seen him so mad. What are the chances of getting back together when he has already got tired of giving me chances?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jots,

      It’s not as high as a normal break up and it will take longer because you really have to change genuinely.. At first, he would probably think that you’re just making it appear that you have changed so, it has to take time for him to think that you have really changed, not because you want him back but because you really changed

  7. Bianca - 0

    Bianca

    my ex boyfriend broke up with me over text our relationship lasted 7 months and we are both 17. but during that time his family had no idea about me and ended our relationship because of the fact of having no time we saw each-other but often like once or twice a week but due to school and his dedication to soccer and his family not knowing about me it was difficult to plan things. during the break up i felt like none of my questions were being answered or they would be bland like “we never used to see each other often” or “its just not working out”. i would ask questions like why end things now when you had all this time now with soccer being finished to talk more go out more etc. i told him that this wouldnt of been a problem if you told your mum knew about me. with that he gave me attitude and i was like to me ive already answered this multiple times if you havent deleted our conversation read above. i got angry and swore at him and said things that i shouldnt of and he blocked me off every social media platform as well as my number.
    i just wanted to know that yes i know he is angry and hates me for what i said to him. but i just wanted to know that is there any chance of us getting back together. i really want to cause he is a nice person and is caring and all just the way he dealt with this situation was unfair on me as for 3 weeks he hid from me that he was loosing feelings, when i gave him the oppurtunity to say something he never did and just treated me like any of partner would and broke up with me it was a major surprise as i thought everything was fine between us and they way he was messaging me seemed like he was still interested. to go from that to blocking me off every social media platform and my number im just really confused and was wondering if i could just get some advice from this whole situation.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Bianca,

      I think he was just pissed.. Give him space.. trt doing no contact for 21 days

  8. Hope - 0

    Hope

    Hi..my boyfriend is 24 and I am 22 and we have a son together, the thing is we always fight and minor things turn to be major so he recently broke up with me and told me that he doesn’t wana be with me anymore, I don’t make him happy and he doesn’t have a vision of us being happy anymore him and I are done for good..The thing is I love him alot and I want to make things work with him, I want us to be matured enough to talk and work things out but he tells me that his mind is made up and there is nothing that il do to change it

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Hope,

      do you live together? And do you want to do minimal contact?

  9. Denee R - 0

    Denee R

    Hello,

    I have a rather complicated story about my relationship. Well I’ll start with he was with someone else when I met him. I saw something in him that I never saw in anyone it was like tunnel vision the moment I saw him… (That wasn’t the case for him he told me he didn’t think we’d even make it to a relationship). A year goes by, he fell in love with another woman after his break up with his current girl but in the end he chose me( that means something right) it started off rough from day 1 he wanted to break up because he felt lied to about me having sexual relations with another man while I was pursuing him( I don’t know why it was such a big deal he was all over the place) so we made it a month past a year( a long time right for it to be wanted to end from day 1) and he cuts it off. He said he wanted to find himself and for me to do my own thing and that there was a possibility we could get back together later. He said he was half heartedly there in the relationship but we lived together he came to live with me in Knoxville for 6 months when he didn’t even go to the school anymore. No one does so much for someone to be there half heartedly so I refuse to believe that. I believe he was just saying that to make me move past it faster. But he wants to stay friends, he is leaving our relationship stuff up on social media he isn’t changing anything( I don’t know what that means but I hope it’s good) so do you believe I have a chance to get him back if I show him I grown on my own? Is that all he is waiting on? Do we need a fresh start that’s all? SHOULD I do the NC rule???

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Denee R,

      yeah, it was not a good start. How old are you both and where does he live now? And yes, I think you should do atleast 30 days of no contact

  10. Sad :( - 0

    Sad :(

    I just need to vent 🙁 🙁 🙁

    I was with my ex for 5 years, it was a whirlwind but amazing. The first time we seriously broke up, he moved interstate (which I encouraged him to do for multiple reasons). We did fight quite a bit throughout our relationship…. He said he needed to be free, he’s struggled with the thought of commitment even though we were doing it. It broke my heart, I was extremely sick. He wanted to stay in contact with me, but at one point it just hurt too much. So I stopped replying to his text messages. I held off for 2 weeks while he continued to contact me. One night he called me drunk and he was crying and wanted to tell me how sorry he was and how much he loved me. We ended up getting back together because he said he valued my love… We lived apart for around 9 months, while I worked on moving my life interstate to be with him. One of the things we agreed on was relationship counselling to help us move forward. I moved interstate and things went well for around a year, but the same problems came back. In my eyes, the biggest problem was drug use, but we had a lot of issues – financial, intimacy, trust. Of course it was from both sides, it wasn’t just his fault and I know this. It was very difficult. I suggested we try the counselling but he then refused, which really hurt because he promised me we would do it before I moved over. At one point it got too much and we were both pushing and pulling – one week he said “I love you, I still think you are th girl for me”. The next week, he was off.. He started seeing someone else, the day came when he was to move out of our home and I begged for him stay. The removalists were taking his things and I was crying and crying and he comforted me but that was one of the hardest days of my life, I’ve never felt so lost. He left. I cried every day for weeks in our kitchen every morning. I finally pieced my life together and we were both seeing other people (not in contact, he blocked me). I never thought he would be a part of my life again but I really hoped it would happen because I really believed in my heart we were not supposed to never see each other again at all.

    It did. We hadn’t been in contact but I was forwarding mail from our house to his new house and eventually he messaged me to say thank you. I found out him and his girlfriend broke up. He charmed me. I feel so stupid. I wanted to be friends because he was such a big part of my life, I refused his attempts at kissing me and getting physically close to me, but he kept putting moves on me until finally I gave in and we were sleeping together again. I wanted to heal the damage from our relationship by working on our friendship and we did this for around 8 months, we hadn’t been fighting at all – much better than when we were together. He even had me attend family events and his mates commented on how well we were getting along…..until he lost it at me for ‘getting too comfortable’ and he dumped our friendship. He said we can’t see each other anymore, we can’t speak too each other anymore and this is because he’s never going to be with me again and that I should move on.

    It was so out of blue and I’m so hurt. I do love him so much. I feel so stupid, dumb, useless. How did I end up in this position again? He stopped replying to me 4 days ago. And now I’m here. Even though he initiated no contact, I decided on Thursday I would also do the same. Even after everything I love him so much..

    It’s like he enjoys getting me back, making me feel like he cares and then he gets sick of me and leaves. Since we’ve come so far I really don’t feel good about giving up on him. I can’t imagine my life without him in it. I would still accept him back if he came back but I don’t know how to approach it. Am I stupid for loving him?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Sad,
      nope, you’re not.
      But you restarted the wrong way. Don’t ever be friends with benefits again.. if you are going to reconnect someday, start slowly. Improve yourself first, experience new things, be more rational, be a new person. And then start as friends only, slowly building rapport and attraction. Don’t sleep with him if you’re not really together.

  11. Mary - 0

    Mary

    My bf broke up with me via text..and said some very vicious things. About why this wouldn’t work and it came out of the blue! Stupid things like my dog wears diapers and our pheromones weren’t compatible among others. I have had no contact for almost three weeks and although I want answers I am doing my best to wait , thinking I may have to go 45….but it is really hitting me this week. How do I stay strong? He will definitely need to contact me with several good texts b4 I respond as this was totally unacceptable. I’m not sure what set him off although I know he has some severe pressure right now at work among other things. How do I stay strong when all I want is to hear his voice?

    Reply
    • Mary - 0

      Mary

      I should also tell you that 3 weeks ago he was talking about buying a house together?…???

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Mary,

      how long were together and how old are you both? Have you started improving yourself and making a new routine that you will continue even after nc? Have you met new people and made new friends?

    • Mary - 0

      Mary

      We have been together off and on for almost a year, are in our late 50’s. I am tying to get out more and do some different things but finds are limited so invitations from friends are often turned down as I can’t afford to go out to dinner or concerts or drinks very often, maybe once a month if I’m lucky.mimwant to tak dance lessons or ride horses again . If my monetary situation changes that is my plan but I don’t see thT changing any time soon. I do have an old friend who has been taking me out but I only see him as a friend nothing more.nand he agrees…,it is the only way I can get out cause he pays for everything.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Maybe he’s just really stressed out at work.. but also, I don’t think he’s telling the real reason why he broke up with you.. It’s either he is stressed, got tired or the relationship or something else.. So, I do agree that you should do 45 days.. If you’re on and off was it always weird reasons?

    • Maryc - 0

      Maryc

      Well i found out that he had an old girlfriend show up and apparently she wants him back. I think he’s confused about what he wants and that coupled with the work stress has made him crazy. I am sticking to 45 days and will send the made mes think of you text and see what happens. In the meantime it is hard as I haven’t heard a word from him. Seems strange since he wanted us to buy a house together and now nothing. How do men just disappear like that and forget you? I like the country song by Sam hunt that says I’m gonna make you miss me….I think of you and Chris each time I hear that and that gives me more resolve to stay away from the phone or text. If he cared at all he will probably wonder why I’m not contacting him and figure out that he was an ass to me and I didn’t deserve it. I have made up my mind that I will not make it easy for him if he contacts me, and if he doesn’t well that will tell me how he feels too. I will say it will be very hard to find a man that I have that connection to. It was very special and felt like that once in a lifetime thing. Thank you for your support, it really helps to have someone out there that understands. Keep your fingers crossed that I handle this right and he realizes what he gave up. Maybe we wait a few months and try the friend thing and he will want to come back…still obviously confused now but hoping for the best….thank you so much.

    • Maryc - 0

      Maryc

      Is it normal to not hear from them for the 30-45 day no contact period? It’s been three weeks and I’ve heard nothing….
      Thank you again for your help.

    • Maryc - 0

      Maryc

      Don’t forget me…….

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      dont worryI didnt! I answer all comments. 🙂 it depends on the situation but if he is busy or confused, then he will really take his time to think too.. That’s good that you chose yourself.. be active in improving yourself and do new things

  12. Hayden Blake - 0

    Hayden Blake

    In pain wanna know why. EX boyfriend hurt me badly

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Hayden,

      why did you break up? HOw long were you together and how old are you both?

  13. Hayden Blake - 0

    Hayden Blake

    In pain wanna know why.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Hayden,

      why did you break up? HOw long were you together and how old are you both?

  14. Melanie - 0

    Melanie

    I just don’t want him to move on and never want me back again alot has happened but I do think we can recover and make things better should i contact him after 45days and tell him how I feel? thank you

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      No, Melanie. It’s a restart. You would sound like you’re proposing marriage to someone you don’t know.Treat it like a restart.. Just be friendly and slowly build rapport.

  15. Imogen Gibbins - 0

    Imogen Gibbins

    Hey 🙂 this is my question. Both me and my ex boyfriend are 18. We broke up just over a week ago because he said the spark is gone. We’ve talked almost every day since. Last night I saw him at a bar (we’re in the same friendship group). We talked for most if the night, played darts together and pool. He said he wants to take things slow and see if the spark comes back. Next week we’re going to an aquarium and spending most of the day together. Does this sound hopeful or should I give up? And on the trip next week what should i do?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Imogen,
      it looks like you have a chance, it just got boring for him.. dont be too avaialble.. look your best but dont be all over him.. be a little distant bj5 whenever he talks to you make it fun

  16. Jessica - 0

    Jessica

    My boyfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago. He said he just lost control of his life and that I made him feel immasculated because of a lack of intimacy-which I was working on. He told me that, because of me, he lost confidence in every aspect of life. None of these things he ever discussed with me, besides the intimacy. Because of past relationships, intimacy wasn’t always comfortable to me, and he never seemed to understand it, and would get mad and claim that, “he shouldn’t have to pay for someone else’s mistakes.” I always tried, but he never Mymade it seem like it was working, so I would feel defeated and give up. Not a good decision on my part, I know. He said he was tired of having to have the awkward discussion of lack of intimacy. He claimed that it wasn’t all me, but him too. He just makes me feel like it WAS all my fault. Like I could have avoided this. I was listening to the 7 deadly sins podcast this morning and, horrifyingly, I realized I had done ALL OF THEM! He said he was thinking about things. About whether he wanted to try getting back together, or not. But that was almost a month ago. And we’ve talked a lot since then. Even hung out…and a little more. After that crushing discovery, I’ve felt so terrible and like I’ve ruined my chances of getting him back. He seemed distantly week and I told him I would give him space and to let me know if he wanted to talk. Was that a bad decision? He hasn’t spoken to me since Friday, and it’s Tuesday. I’m afraid he’s just moved on and over me. Is there ANYTHING I can do? He said he felt like I stopped trying to look nice when we went places, too. And that everything changed when I started my current job, back in February. I’m 23, and this is my first full-time job. We’ve been together for over 5 1/2 years. He doesn’t work and he lived with me and my dad since he was 19. He moved back in with his parents, but he still isn’t working. I wonder if, he broke it off because he felt he lost control of his life and that, that was the easiest to control. But, I commuted the 7 cardinal sins before I stumbled upon your awesome website. Is there ANYTHING I can do to get him back? I love him so much.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jessica,

      well, I dont understand because it looks like he should be the one who’s regretting the break up because it seems like, you’re the better catch compared to him.. He lived with you and he didnt ever work..

      Shouldnt he be the one worrying about you finding a better guy? but anyways, was the lack of intimacy consistent in those 5 years or was it just after you had a full time work?

      Even if you committed the 7 mistakes, you can still try doing the 30 days nc.. I think you should do it so you can heal first and be more rational before trying to rebuild rapport with him slowly

    • Jessica - 0

      Jessica

      It was a consistent thing throughout the 5 years. I had an ex before him that forced me into sex for years before I met my current one. Because of it, I’ve had an issue with intimacy. One that I tried to explain to him, multiple times. He would always get mad and say, “I shouldn’t have to pay for someone else’s mistake.” It wasn’t a mistake, though. It was abuse. Traumatizing abuse. From someone who was supposed to love me. And, instead of him trying to understand it and help me feel more comfortable and help me through those feelings, he would get mad. Get frustrated. It got to the point to where I felt like, no matter what I did, he didn’t see that I was trying, or appreciate it. And that would make me feel so defeated that I would just feel stupid and give up, even though I wanted, more than anything, to fix it. I know he has all of these things stacked up against him with as to why most people would NOT want him back. But I still do. We were high school sweethearts. He can make me laugh without a single effort. He can be so sweet and caring. But, he said that me not being as intimate as he wanted was traumatizing to him. That makes me frustrated because he doesn’t try to understand the trauma that happened to me, that I needed his help working passed. He just thinks of himself, and him NOT having sex. I just worry all day, everyday, 24/7, that he’s going to move on from me. I want to win him back, but he said that the lack of intimacy was so traumatizing, and damaging, that he doesn’t think he could ever get passed it. Is it hopeless? Even with the NC rule? He never told me how much it REALLY bothered him. I keep finding things out from mutual friends, or his family. And I being stupid, here? Have I ruined the chances because I couldn’t look passed my past trauma? I’m desperate.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You know, the nc won’t fix anything. It’s just a tool to help you fix what you need to fix. I’m not putting all the blame on you because honestly, if he didn’t work and he lived with you, of course he would have nothing to think about doing with you but just sex.. it’s not healthy. But you can only change and your control yourself. Change you first, because you take yourself in every relationship. I think you should be in continuous therapy for what happened to you. Not for a relationship to work but for your health.

    • Jessica - 0

      Jessica

      I’m definitely looking into therapy. But, I had a definite slip up. I had seen that he started following his ex on Instagram and it really upset me. It’s petty, I know. But he told me throughout our entire relationship how much he didn’t care for her because their relationship was do toxic. So, just out of a moment of anger, I followed her back. As did she. I think he saw that she had liked a few pictures of mine and then he unfollowed me and made it so I wasn’t following him anymore. I, instantly, was super regretful and felt like I just took 10 steps back. I acted out of anger and I don’t know what to do now. He’s still my facebook friend. Do you think he just did that on instagram because he was upset that I did that? Should I unfollow her, too? It was childish and I’m must beating myself up over it. Stupid as it is. And I tried to talk to his mom about things- we’ve always been super close- and I just ended up getting super mad at her and got way too mean. I apologized immediately afterwards and said that my anger wasn’t towards her. And I apologized to him, too. I was just going through a lot of stuff, not just this breakup, and took it out on someone who didn’t deserve it. Am I just ruining my chances? I’m almost a week into NC. I didn’t actually mention to him that I was starting it, though. Is that a bad thing? We hadn’t been talking before I started it, anyways. I thought it would be weird for me to say I needed space after not speaking for almost a week. I’ve been active on social media-showing that I’ve been getting out and having fun. I’ve been trying to be happy on my own, but its extremely hard, because he’s just acting like its not affecting him. Like at all. I don’t think any of this has been hard on him. And that hurts more than anything. Am I fighting a losing battle? He told me a few weeks ago that, eventhough his previous relationship-the one with the ex he recently started following again-was super toxic, he never doubted that she loved him. He said that he doubted that I loved him for a while. And that just broke my heart. I wish he knew that I did, and do. I went above and beyond for him all the time. I.guess it wasn’t enough. Once again, am I fighting a losing battle? Should I just continue NC? I’m just so depressed because I don’t think anything will work to get him back.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Well, you shouldn’t really be mentioning doing nc to him.. And don’t check his posts, don’t unfollow the other girl, and keep doing no contact.. Yes, your actions did affect your chances but what’s done is done.. focus now on making it seem that you have really moved on so, that you can have a chance of starting over as friends again later on.

  17. Melanie - 0

    Melanie

    My boyfriend.left.me after a misscarriage the next day he said that he never felt this way about.anyone and.he would always love me but too much had happened and he needed space he was in a bad place our relationship was good and I felt he was the only one for me. We have been broke up for a month and haven’t spoke in two weeks he messaged to get his things back. I want him back but feel it’s too late.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Melanie,

      I think he needs time to heal from everything. I don’t think it’s a good idea to confess what you feel right away, especially right after nc.. Do 45 days and heal too. Improve and make a new routine, so that you and him can be given a chance to have a restart as friends again

    • Hayden Blake - 0

      Hayden Blake

      NEVER too late for love. If I had a chance to I would take my ex back in a heartbeat.

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