Today we’re going to talk about the psychology of dumper’s remorse – what it is, how it works, and why I feel it’s one of the most important things that you need to create if you want your ex back.

But before we go into all of this, you need to know – is it a good idea to try to get your ex back?

Do you have a chance of succeeding?

You may be in one of those situations where you shouldn’t get back with your ex at all, or you really don’t have a great chance of getting your ex back.

Or you could be in a situation where you want to rebuild attraction with them and reclaim what is yours!

To help you make this difficult decision, I’ve put together a special quiz here on the website. It’s a simple, free two-minute quiz which is designed to tell you what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back, so you can decide whether you want to get them back or simply move on.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

How To Create Dumpers Remorse With Your Ex

Without a doubt, one of the biggest questions I get asked is, how do I create dumper’s remorse with my ex?

We must first understand what I mean by dumper’s remorse.

Dumper’s remorse is a situation where your ex breaks up with you and a few months afterwards, they regret their decision.

I’m going to take that situation and reverse engineer the process so you can understand what’s going on in an ex’s brain, and also figure out how to give this remorse a good chance of growing.

Let’s begin by talking about regret.

Why Do People Feel Regret?

When scientists from the Kellogg School of Management looked at what Americans’ biggest regrets were, these big ones kept coming up at the top of the list:

  1. Romance
  2. Family
  3. Education

So what can this teach us about regret?

Well, one thing scientists noted was that regret seemed to persist in situations where there was a chance of positive action occurring.

In other words, something good could happen if they went back and revisited or tried to reclaim or reframe that regret.

This makes perfect sense with regard to education.

Later in life we can all go back to school, get an education (or more education) and see the positive difference this can make in life.

It also can make sense in the opportunities of lost loves.

We can often regret a particular relationship because maybe we didn’t see its value at the time. But now, looking back on it from a different perspective we want to revisit it and potentially make something work.

Lost opportunities in relationships are often our biggest regret.

How Long Does It Take For These Regrets To Surface?

Knowing that regrets over relationships often features large in our lives can be some comfort, but it doesn’t really help us in figuring out how to manufacture dumper’s remorse in our exes.

First, we need to understand how long it takes people to start having regrets.

This is perhaps one of the most difficult questions to answer, because there are two factors involved in working out a timeline.

The first is, does your ex feel any regret whatsoever for the breakup?

There are people who will break up with you and feel no remorse whatsoever.

Others will exhibit some regret, or guilt, or say they feel bad about how things ended.

The second question that you need to answer is, did you have the type of relationship that is worth remembering?

If you dated your ex for a week, you’re not really going to have the same chance of them feeling remorse for that breakup as opposed to someone who has five years and lots of different first experiences together.

Creating an exact timeline for regret is impossible, because every situation is so unique in and of itself.

Your relationship with your ex is one-of-a-kind.

So some people will feel regret and some won’t. Some will have a long-term relationship history with a lot of great memories and important experiences embedded into it and some won’t.

If there’s one rule of thumb I want to leave you with regarding creating dumper’s remorse, it’s that missed opportunity equates to regret.

So ultimately the thing that you want to do if you want to create dumper’s remorse with your ex is to make your relationship feel like a missed opportunity.

But how do you do that?

Ultimately it boils down to our psychological decision making process.

Psychological Decision Making Process

We make millions of decisions throughout the day without even realizing we are making them. The same thing can be said of the things that we regret, or the missed opportunities that we revisit with time.

There are different types of decision-making processes that happen almost automatically that will determine whether we regret something.

  1. Timing
  2. Context
  3. Opportunity Cost
  4. Self Interest

Let’s start from the top.

Psychological Process #1: Timing Is Important

Timing can relate to all sorts of things within your relationship

  1. How long has it been since the breakup?
  2. How long did your relationship last?
  3. How much time did you spend together during the relationship?
  4. How long has it been since you last talked to each other?
  5. How long did you beg, plead and act desperate for after the breakup?

One thing we do know about creating dumper’s remorse is that enough time has to have gone by for them to feel like they’ve missed an opportunity.

When you first break up with someone, the pain and possible drama of the breakup creates even more negative feelings than those that led up to the breakup. Your ex is likely to remember all the bad things and forget the amazing aspects of your time together.

It’s difficult to have patience when you want your ex back, but it’s a huge mistake to not allow enough time for their dumper’s remorse to develop.

On average, our successful clients take around three to six months to get back with their ex, and this starts from the time they implement a successful No Contact Rule.

That means that if they come to us and it’s been eight months since the breakup, they heard about the No Contact Rule at the eight-month mark and decide to do a No Contact Rule (and follow the rest of our process), that means it might take closer to eight months, maybe even a year, to see results.

Doing a No Contact Rule for the correct amount of time is key (and the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program goes into a lot of detail on how long you should do it), and all the timing factors above go into that equation.

Psychological Process #2: The Context of Your Relationship

The next decision-making process we make when deciding whether or not we have missed an opportunity is context.

Context relates to the specifics of your relationship and includes aspects such as:

  • Was there cheating involved?
  • Were you long-distance?
  • Is one of you in the military?
  • Are there children involved?
  • Do you work together?
  • Do you attend school or college together?
  • Do you share pets?
  • Do you live together, or co-own property?
  • How close were you to his family and friends?

So think about all aspects of your relationship, and how they bind you and your ex together even though you have broken up.

Some of these might be seen by your ex as negatives – e.g. that you were so far apart. It’s important that you look at things from his point of view here, so that you can try to change that perspective.

For example, if he starts to look forward to seeing you at work instead of trying to avoid you, you can subtly change the context, and maybe initiate some of that precious dumper’s remorse.

Context can definitely help or hinder you in your quest.

It can help if you have a lot of good memories that you can work with, or even hard times that you successfully supported each other through, things that made you closer than ever and helped you to get to know each other deeply.

What I find is that people get tunnel vision and only take their own experiences out of the breakup, failing to take their ex’s into account.

Usually you are on different wavelengths when a breakup occurs; you are out of sync with each other.

What you’re looking to do is get on the same wavelength, so it’s important to take a step back and look at things from your ex’s perspective.

This is another reason that the No Contact Rule is important…their perspective might differ wildly from your own.

You want them back, and you remember all the great things. They broke up with you (or even if they didn’t) and only remember the bad things that happened towards the end of the relationship.

So once again – give them time to get over this and start to remember the good times.

Psychological Process #3: Opportunity Cost

The next process that we see a lot of exes with dumper’s remorse go through is the idea of opportunity cost.

Essentially this boils down to an ex wondering – if they took the time they used to spend with you and spend it with somebody else, would that give them a better experience?

Oftentimes we find that exes think the answer is yes, so they break up with you and move on to someone new (often pretty quickly).

We also call this the ‘grass is greener’ syndrome. They think the grass is greener on the other side so they start dating a new person.

This is a well-known concept.

It’s also well-known that, as time goes by and the honeymoon period wears off, they start to realize that maybe the grass was actually greenest right where they were.

They initially felt the opportunity cost was better with someone else, but often we don’t feel regret until we have really lost that thing.

You can show your ex that you aren’t still waiting around for him and that you are the best opportunity cost by implementing a No Contact Rule and making yourself into the Ungettable Girl, the best version of yourself that you can be.

This will prompt him to think about you and wonder if he made the right decision after all.

And once a seed of doubt creeps in, the dumper’s remorse has room to grow right alongside it.

On a quick side note, this is the very reason when, when we’re dealing with a client who has moved on to someone new, we actually recommend going into a slightly longer period of no contact, because we want that opportunity cost regret to kick in.

We want them to go through the full post-breakup rollercoaster, including maybe dating someone else, so they can look back on your experience together with a fairer eye.

Psychological Process #4: Self-Interest

The fourth psychological process that we see people go through is pure self-interest.

It might sound like this is a hard one for you to benefit from, but bear with me.

We commonly use the phrase ‘when emotions run high, logic runs low’ to remind clients that they need to take their time when making decisions regarding their ex.

But the phrase also relates to how your ex deals with you and the breakup.

We all try to make decisions logically, using all the facts we have, and taking into account our feelings as well.

In our own heads, we think we are being logical, but often we aren’t.

While going through these psychological processes and making what we feel is a logical decision, we are actually using emotions as the main parameters for that decision.

It’s something we can’t help doing.

But if you are aware of it, and you can take the time to try to separate the emotion out of the decision, you can make better choices.

For example, instead of saying, “He hates me! He’s blocked me on everything and never ever wants to talk to me again!”, you can tell yourself, “He’s blocked me on social media because he’s emotional, and because he thinks it’s the best thing for him. It’s not because he actually hates me.”

Looking at it the other way around, you might be thinking, “I’ve been ill/anxious/had this bad thing happen – I need to speak to him.”

If you can recognize the self-interest and emotion that is bringing you to that decision, you can say, “I am in No Contact, and I have to stick to it. I will speak to my friend or EBR buddy instead, to make myself feel better.”

Another aspect of this self-interest that we often see is exes making emotional decisions based on unrealistic expectations.

For example, how often have you heard of an ex saying, “I just suddenly fell out of love with you”?

Your ex might have said something similar to you. It’s certainly something we often see on the Facebook support group.

What does it mean, and how can that happen?

It means that they got a huge boost of happy hormones through the honeymoon period, and they expected to feel that way all the time.

It created unrealistic expectations, so when they came back down to earth and started to feel normal again it was jarring.

When we’re looking at people who are basing their decisions on emotions, emotions change constantly, so oftentimes a breakup can occur when they’ve gone back down to the baseline.

They feel like they’re supposed to feel the highs of a new relationship all the time.

These people are like pogo sticks – they jump from one relationship to the next to the next looking for that initial high of the honeymoon period.

Once they drop back down to normal where everything isn’t perfect, they might break up with you.

And oftentimes what they’re basing their decision on is emotion as well as grass is greener syndrome.

So does your ex fit that mould? Are they constantly moving on to someone new then breaking up with them after a few months?

A lot of women call these guys players, and sure, there are some sleazy scumbags out there doing it on purpose, but more often than not, it’s just having unrealistic expectations when they enter into a new relationship.

They have the honeymoon period then can’t cope with a more normal relationship.

If you are in this position, you have to ask yourself if the person is worth it, and if they can move past that need to always be in that roses-and-rainbows period.

Assess all of these aspects of dumper’s remorse, and see what you can change to help the process germinate and grow in your ex.

It might take some time and soul-searching, but if you really want your ex back, it will be worth it.

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37 thoughts on “The Psychology Of Dumpers Remorse”

  1. Avatar

    janice

    October 7, 2020 at 2:18 am

    We have almost been broken up for 2 months. My ex has stayed in contact the whole time, but has been hot and cold. He stopped saying good morning for the first time the other day. And the following day we didn’t talk at all even tho we had been for the entirety since the breakup. I sent him a message that said, “Hey, I am always here if you if you need me and I love you, but I needed to learn to be alone. Its a beautiful process. Thank you for that” I told him this also bc his friend died last month and I dont want him to think he can’t come to me. He responded “Do what you need to. Hope you had a good weekend, love you” i havent talked to him in just 2 days. I feel like he needed space…

  2. Avatar

    M

    August 11, 2020 at 9:05 pm

    My relationship of almost 4 years just ended. He told me he wasn’t sure if he was loving me or just being attached at this point. And was afraid he wanted to protect our relationship for the wrong reasons. The 3 first years were without any real discord, we never really fought and were pretty good at communicating, but it all changed in November last year when time wasn’t on our side.

    He recently got feelings for a coworker, I learnt about it from that girl’s BF -now ex too – and we tried to work it out, then in the midst of it all he confessed that he cheated when drunk 7 months ago and kept lying over multiple things to hide it. And that ever since he was sabotaging our relationship, hoping I would just leave and he’d never have to face it – he said I would not have to deal with that trauma if I just left and everything could have been easier for me to move on-

    I was ready to forgive him, try one more time, first he was tempted, but the day after he decided it was better for us to stop it all there. His excuse was that he would only hurt me more and that if he really loved me he would not have done those mistakes.

    It’s been 3 days and we talked lightly through text, so far I feel like I still love him and I’m attempting a no contact – either to see if he’ll come around or help myself move on- but it breaks my heart even more.
    I feel a bit at lost, I was deeply convinced we were good for each others

  3. Avatar

    C

    August 6, 2020 at 3:12 pm

    My girlfriend of a year dumped me a month ago saying she all of the feelings suddenly. She’s been wanting her space since then however I had been trying to get her back, contacting her almost every day and due to her getting annoyed because of this we’ve also had several fights. Our relationship was a really good one, and even she agrees that the breakup did not happen due to anything going wrong in the relationship. We hadn’t met since the last 4 months due to lockdown restrictions in the entire country and I had been trying to explain her it might be a possible reason as to why she might have suddenly felt a change in her feelings as many of us have been going through a lot already these days but she has been stern on her decision since day 1. Is it too late to start the no contact rule after a month of breaking up? I hope not.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 8, 2020 at 11:27 pm

      Hey C no it isnt too late but you now need to go into a 45 day because you gnatted your ex so much.

  4. Avatar

    Sapphire

    July 17, 2020 at 8:08 am

    Hi,

    I would like some advice on how long my NC should last and count from when. My ex dumped me by text a month ago and I accepted peacefully, but requested for a meetup for good end. He said still have feelings for me but cannot see a future on us thus i begged and pleaded during the meeting. It’s a 9 month relationship with not much fighting, except for once we went NC for 3 wks as he suggested “need some time”.
    A month before the official “breakup” I start feeling him loosing interest in me so insisted to have a talk by the end and stop contacting him for few days after that. End up he concluded has lost confidence in our relationship and decided to end it.
    He said would like to remain friends, I agreed a week later by text and go on NC since then…

  5. Avatar

    Leila

    July 14, 2020 at 10:04 pm

    Hi, I just recently broke up with my depressed significant other. We’ve been dating for about five months and I had strong feelings towards him since we started off as really close friends, I thought I could handle it because I believed that as long as I was supportive and gave him the love he needed he’ll be fine. Well, actually I understood that he had bad days because I had a past of dealing with a depressed friend/other. Yet I knew there were times that he couldn’t just cooperate especially when it would hit him. He would isolate himself from the whole world, I knew it was coming and part of the process that’s why I tried to help him for quite a long time despite the fact that I was also really focused on my career.

    I’m aware that his whole life wasn’t easy but I was under huge stress, I am the type of person who also values my family related responsibilities. He is very caring, sweet, and understanding. But once depression hit him real bad, at first when we were friends I knew how to handle it when we were together, I was dragged with it. It wasn’t healthy either for the both of us, I didn’t have enough tolerance and I knew that both of us deserved better and needed to accept the fact that we weren’t just compatible for each other.

    But after breaking up, I felt I really felt guilty I couldn’t sleep well everytime it hits me (until now), I feared that he would harm himself because of this and his family related issues including his depression, and I’m not a heartless person. I wanted things to work out but there were so much toxic moments when we tolerated each other’s negative traits to avoid offending or triggering each other’s feelings.

    We ended it in formal way, I knew he was hurt but even I was hurt since I loved him a lot. Yet we are in good terms. I told him if he ever needed me in terms of emergencies, I was still there and still willing to help. I reminded that I cared as a friend. We had no baggage whatsoever just remorse and guilt for me while he is dealing with confusion and loneliness. Though, it was for the best.

    I’m writing here because I really need some advice on how to move on, I never wanted things to end this way. I tried and I’m aware that I failed. I knew that I hurt someone during their worst state. I admit that I became selfish but it would end up toxic if we were still together.

    Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 4, 2020 at 10:52 pm

      Hi Leila, it is good that you realised that you needed to do what is right for you and that you do not want the relationship to turn toxic. To move on from someone the advice would be similar, where you go into a No Contact, but this time it would be indefinitely, and just spend some time working on yourself and taking actions that you know are going to make your life better and make you happier

  6. Avatar

    Helen

    July 7, 2020 at 8:38 am

    Hello

    My ex broke up with me last week
    He done this over what’s app
    We had been together 6 months and in that time I got pregnant but had a miscarriage.
    His excuse for breaking up with me was that we don’t like the same things or have anything in common and the distance (25 mins away)

    He hasn’t got any social media we only contacted threw msg and what’s app

    I have started the no contact rule but I am scared it won’t work

    I have very strong feelings towards him and there are things we do like I felt like he made that as a excuse

    Would love some advice please
    UK based

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 7, 2020 at 9:22 pm

      Hey Helen, so I think he found an excuse to end things yes, but you need to ask yourself if there was a long term plan of you being together (not LDR) if he could not see that coming that could be why, especially as the UK is going through a messy lock down. No Contact, as much as it feels wrong, works wonders and it does great things for you too if you stick with it!

  7. Avatar

    Hellen

    June 15, 2020 at 12:00 am

    Heyy,
    My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We were together for 9 months, we have a lot of amazing memories together and a really deep connection + deep love. When he ended it, I accepted it because I can’t accept to be with someone who isn’t certain about me. He told me we’re not compatible, which isn’t true. He cried the whole time and took me home, didn’t want to let me go. The moment I got home I blocked him from everything because I wanted to start moving on without any temptations.
    I want him back, I love him and I know the love between us was and is real.
    I just worry that he might not come back for whatever reason. I naturally started the NC rule, that’s just how I am, breakup for me means that’s it.
    Also, on 2 occasions he took a break and came back claiming he never doubted the relationship but was exhausted and needed the space for himself.

  8. Avatar

    Mel

    May 19, 2020 at 3:48 pm

    My ex and I were together two years. He is two years younger. We’re in our mid 20’s. It was a good relationship with many happy memories and helping eachother through hard times. He broke up me because he said he didn’t want to hurt me and didn’t want to break promises to me. That was his only reason for dumping me and it was very out of the blue. I begged and asked what went wrong but he kept saying he doesn’t want to hurt me. I did no contact 30 days and got a positive response. We had been texting a while which had been good however it’s mostly me reaching out. I let my emotions get the better of me he acted rude to me. We both apologized and he said he’s giving me space to heal that’s all. So I went into no contact for a week. He has a big case with his work that I had been helping him with and was going to wish him good luck. I don’t know what to do anymore. Do I continue to try and reach out? Or go no contact?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 20, 2020 at 8:24 pm

      Hi Mel no you need to complete a full 30 days No contact not a week. You need to work on yourself in that time and be sure to focus on your Holy Trinity

  9. Avatar

    charlotte

    April 30, 2020 at 6:36 am

    hi! my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me recently because he was not sure whether he wanted to marry me down the line, and we are in our mid-20s so he did not want to waste my time when he was figuring out what he wanted. we did no contact for a week and then talked in person for “closure”, he says he wants to be close friends but it is too hard to talk. I really want him back, I’m pretty sure he’s being stupid and I know he’s the one. would doing more no contact help?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 2, 2020 at 2:48 pm

      Hi Charlotte, yes no contact will help but you must stick to it and work on your holy trinity during the 30 days

  10. Avatar

    Chris C

    April 29, 2020 at 4:28 am

    When will her anger subside? I got sick in 2019 and could not work for 9 months, she had to support us. Prior to that she never paid for anything, secretly resented me for it. Was dumped via text after 3 years living together, never led on anything was wrong. Then proceeded to smear me to everyone, put our 15 yr old rescue dog down XMAS Eve without letting me know, told me she wanted to be alone and overnight added 200 local single guys on Facebook. Added my deceased childhood friends family to make me mad, added all my enemies even my son’s mother who she couldnt stand and buddied up with her? Flirts with guys she normally makes fun of, muscle gym rats, trophy hunters, 60yr olds, 18yr olds. She doesn’t have 1 piercing, tattoo or jewelry and now wants these big tattoo portraits? Has blocked and unblocked me 5x. Recently I found mysejd unblocked on everything and we slowly started communication positively. She was still posting tweets aimed at me that were negative and attempts to make me jealous. I’ve put 32 lbs on muscle in the gym, got a promotion, going back to school, returned to my hobbies and volunteering but the more I improve the angrier she gets. She gets really mad when I go NC but will ask me a question, I respond and she ignores it for days? Ive given her $5000 to help pay her bills, showered her with thoughtful expensive gifts for XMAS, Valentine’s Day, Birthday…no thank you or acknowledging them? When I recently asked for my stuff she instantly blocked me and said she will call authorities? Ive been asking for 6 months now!! She checks my social media over 100x a day now over and over. I still have house keys she won’t take back, she blames me for everything wrong in her life and even after saying how happy she is I can tell she is miserable, put weight on and looks depressed. Like she just wants to punish me, me to chase so she can reject, play games and attempt to make me jealous. Tells everyone I used her!! I never cheated, abused her, treated her like a princess. She puts this tough attitude on like she has to impress her friends and win this breakup at all cost even if she breaks her own heart. I feel like she thinks I’ve treated him so bad that I can’t EVER see him because he has all the right to hate me. Any ideas what I should do or is this sweet, innocent, kind girl Really a covert narcissist I didn’t see because I’ve never dealt with that?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 7, 2020 at 5:40 pm

      Hi Chris, she is not displaying very healthy traits right now but I do think that you need to stick to your guns about No Contact as she most likely feels that she can have you back when she wants you (and no more gifts etc). While she speaks badly of you on social media and to friends, rise above it. The more you work on yourself, the angrier she gets, this is probably a little resentment that you are not chasing her. Keep focused on you, ignore her attempts and questions. Let her be angry and let her self destruct because she is going to have to realise her actions are more like a teenage girl not a grown woman.

  11. Avatar

    Rosie

    April 29, 2020 at 4:15 am

    Hello,

    Recently I’ve been very stressed over the covid situation and not being able to see him. I’ve been upset for the last month (and unfortunately took it out on him) and finally he couldn’t take it anymore. I feel this is somewhat unfair due to this not being a normal circumstance, especially after 2 years. I apologized (in an admittedly long emotional text) and he said he wasn’t sure. He wanted to continue to be friends and text but I told him I needed time. How long should my NC be?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 6, 2020 at 9:35 pm

      Hi Rosie, I would suggest that you follow a 45 No Contact as during this time it is highly emotional for everyone and we struggle to deal with those emotions. Take some time to be kind to yourself and allow space between you and your ex for now

  12. Avatar

    ping

    April 25, 2020 at 5:03 pm

    we were together for 4 years plus.
    during the 4 years we like always argue & all. & we argue like over the same thing which is me always being insecure & like overthink a lot. so on may 2019 we broke up but then 1 month later he came back to me. we decided to work things out & all & like he told me he accepted me for who i am as a person & all. so from then now we were okay la until when he started interning quite recently at f45 (the workout studio). ever since then i was more insecure & i always jealous even when he just talking to his girl colleague. but he has always assured me.
    but i still keep getting insecure over the same thing that he assured me about. so we met up to talk & share our feelings out.

    then i told him like i’m unhappy cause he don’t give me attention now that he’s interning & all he talks about is about his intern life. like he don’t even bother asking me about my life & all. & also he don’t show me enough affection which made me felt like he lost interest in me. so after i shared my feelings, he started telling me that my insecurities is slowly killing the relationship which makes him want to leave. so then he made the decision to break up with me. but a few days later, he called to ask if we could meet up & have a talk. so yea i went to meet him & we talked. then after the talk i asked him if this was a break up or like us taking a break from each other? he said it’s just us taking a break from each other & giving space to each other. he told me to trust him on this & that he won’t contact anyone & such as he just wanted to focus on himself.

    during this “taking a break from each other” period, there was a friend (i didn’t rly know her that well) but she kept telling me that mark is contacting someone.

    i didn’t trust her uh but then idk why after a few days, i just kinda snapped & i went to confront mark. but i confronted him in a manner that wasn’t nice & he got pissed. & he kept telling me that he isn’t contacting anyone & he’s pissed that i didn’t trust him. so he couldn’t take it & decided to just really end things. so he told me he gave up & blocked me right after that.

  13. Avatar

    Lizzie

    April 20, 2020 at 8:40 am

    Hi me and my boyfriend broke up a few days ago, with haven’t seen eachother in a couple of weeks due to what’s going on in the world, anyway he broke up with me as he felt his mental health wasn’t great and this meant his feelings towards me have changed? What should I do? In total we have been together 4 years but about 2 years ago we broke up for about 8 weeks.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 20, 2020 at 10:39 pm

      Hi Lizzie, I would suggest that you allow your ex that time and take it as a No Contact where you focus on yourself. If he has got mental health issues he is going to need to do what is best for him to feel better

  14. Avatar

    Alex

    April 17, 2020 at 11:52 pm

    Hello, Please i am looking for some advice. My Boyfriend of 5 years ended our relationship 6 months ago, because he wanted to pursue his hobbies and therefore couldn’t make time for me. I suppose i wasn’t valued enough. We work in the same building, and have remained in contact, at least once a week and friendly sometimes flirty in work. He has always said we will always be friends and has shown to care and still want to help me, i still even have some of my things at his flat, which he insists is fine! this has been greatly appreciated by me as i would rather have some contact than none. ten days ago he brings me some shopping, we have small chat and a little hug, no big deal, today i find i seem to have been blocked on social media, why after 6 months of being ok/nice to each other, to suddenly being blocked, this has upset me as i was of the believing he would always be there for me, even though i would never reach out first. what hurts the most is how kind he has been this last 6 months, and now quite cruel, with this pandemic i would like to have thought love and support at this time would have prevailed, i don’t think there is anyone else involved. i will be in no contact for the foreseeable, Do you have any idea why this may have happened, i don’t think i have ever come across needy, I have kept cool and calm at work, i have always replied to messages, never being first to send any. I’m not sure where i went wrong! If you have any advice for me it would be wonderful, i’m isolating alone and cannot see friends for comfort and support. i appreciate all your help and advice, Stay safe xx

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 21, 2020 at 11:40 pm

      Hi Alex, did you spend any time completing a NC? I would suggest that you arrange plenty of facetime calls with friends and keep social as you can online. Work on yourself in this time on your Holy Trinity and use isolation as a time to work on your attempts to be the best version of yourself

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    Stacey

    April 15, 2020 at 8:09 am

    Please help. I have been with my bf for 9 years. We had a texting arguement 3 weeks ago and both told each other it was over (I thought it was just an arguement nothing serious, nothing like this has happened before). We didn’t speak for a week (longest time ever(. I rang a week later and he said it’s over he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He won’t give me a reason why or even speak to me. The worst part is we work together and now everyone in work is involved and asking questions creating more drama between us. All I want to do is talk to him and try and sort things out. I don’t believe that after 9 years you can simply stop caring after a week. Not when we were Saving for a house and he was planning to propose on my birthday which is in 2 weeks time. Now since this has happened I have been contacting him non stop even though he said don’t, it’s like I can’t let it go. I am now on day 4 of no contact and I really need advice. I simply want him back in my life and I am really struggling with the situation. Thanks.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 23, 2020 at 5:57 pm

      Hi Stacey, I would suggest that you stick with a 30 day NC and avoid talking to work people about him and the break up. Try to focus on just getting over the break up and the hurt you are feeling. Allow him the time to miss you and forget about the negatives and how you had good times too. I wouldn’t take it as he does not care anymore but he may just need time as things started to pressure on him

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    Nicki

    April 14, 2020 at 1:07 pm

    Hi!

    So my ex cheated on me with a girl he had been friends with for about 3 years. They have since started dating. She lives in a different city to us(so they’re doing long distance). I went into no contact when we broke up – when no contact had ended we bumped into each other at an event where he cried and told me he: still had feelings for me / missed me / is still attracted to me / still loves me and is in love with me. But he said he thinks his new situation was going to be a long term thing because they had been friends for so many years. After this encounter he texted me a lot sending mixed signals of wanting friendship and then saying he still hopes we can end up together one day. We video called and bumped into each other a few times (one of these times he got emotional again regarding the feelings he has for me). Our calls would sometimes last for hours. I eventually grew a bit uncomfortable with our interactions (I felt like he was getting the best of worlds by still having me in his life) and told his new girl that we had been in contact because I would have wanted to know if I were her. He has since unfollowed me on Instagram and I don’t think his new girl is allowing him to have contact with me. The only interactions we’ve had since was texting regarding a joint account we had.
    He’s been with this girl about 3 months now. Do I just wait it out and see what happens? I have been working on myself and I’ve been doing really well personally (to a point that when he saw me he told me I was the perfect girl and I was doing so amazingly). Do I re-do no contact and start again? Do I try and causally text him and hope to not be friend zoned? Any guidance would be appreciated. Thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 20, 2020 at 11:13 pm

      Hi Nicki so you reaching out to the other girl is going to have made you the enemy. He has unfollowed you etc because the new girlfriend will have asked him to do so. Yes you need to complete NC again for 45 days and then reach out following the being there method if you want to get him back

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    Nicole

    April 11, 2020 at 11:32 am

    Hello, a couple of questions:

    1) Do you recommend a 30 day NC period instead of 45 if you waited too long to cut off contact? Since so much time has passed and most people in the program get their ex back 3-6 months post BU, will it be better to shorten it before his new habits are formed as he’s already used to my absence? It has been a little over 3 months since he broke up with me and the longest time we went without talking since then was about 5 days a couple of weeks ago. We mostly messaged daily with long video calls once a week even (still saying I love you in response to me but I have made mistakes with begging, writing to him, calling, etc.).

    LDR for over a year, the reason for break up was him saying his gut said we are not right and his heart was no longer in it (of course, I look back and can see the actual events/behaviors that contributed to this). These past few months have been painful and numb for me with him on my mind 24/7 no matter what I do. During this time when everyone is home he is actually more occupied because he is working even more now.

    2) I’ve been searching the site for anything about 45 NC being too long if you kept in contact for too long. Additionally, the last time we stopped talking for a few days I just did not message again after a call so the transition felt smoother and he tried to reach out. This time, I just didn’t open his message mid-conversation because I was afraid I would be weak and continue it if I didn’t stop then – does this affect anything and should I have not ignored him before the end of a conversation?

    Truly feeling at a loss and the pain of this hasn’t decreased with time, so I appreciate your advice.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 20, 2020 at 10:46 pm

      Hi Nicole, I would suggest that you follow a 45 day NC as you have kept in touch for so long after the break up. Even if he does reach out you need to ignore him for a solid 45 days and then start the texting phase

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    sarah

    April 10, 2020 at 9:19 pm

    I have an extremely difficult situation that I need outside advice about. Its quite a bit of information so before I sit and type it up, i just wanted to see if anyone would respond?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 12, 2020 at 7:09 pm

      Hi Sarah, yes I will respond to you – try to keep it as brief as you can and I will get back to you as soon as I can

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    Mary

    March 23, 2020 at 2:08 pm

    Hi, so my ex boyfriend broke up with me just over a week ago. We had been on a break for one week before that because he has had some personal issues to deal with and I think he was already doubting our relationship.
    He said he broke up with me because he didn’t have feelings for me anymore, but still wanted to be friends. So I started acting like a friend and making the same kind of jokes i did when we were just friends (on the group chat we have in common) but it pissed him off so he confronted me in private.
    He said he’d never really loved me, that things couldn’t have worked between us anyway, and that he knew how love felt because that’s what he had felt for his “ex” (who by the way manipulated him and cheated on him). He also said that he’s never asked me to be friends with him after our breakup…
    Problem is, he said the words, even if at first he didn’t want to. And I could tell by how he looked at me that he really loved me.
    Also, last week his behavior was extremely peculiar, one day he was ignoring me and the next he was liking my pics or commenting my stories on instagram.
    I really don’t know what to do nor what to think. I want him back because i really think he loved me, but at the same time I don’t want to chase a guy who isn’t sure about his feelings. I’ll try the no contact, after all i don’t really have a choice given his last answer, but i don’t know if he’ll end up regretting his choice. What do you think ?
    Thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 31, 2020 at 12:10 am

      Hi Mary, I would say that NC is best as your ex sounds extremely emotional right now and he needs that space. I wouldn’t stop talking to your mutual friends, but I would limit the amount you chat in the group chat, and make sure oyu do as little as possible with your ex for the time being. The happier you appear the angrier he is going to get short term. As he is unsure of his feelings he needs to get that space from you and you are going to have to accept that right now he needs time away from you

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    Shawna

    March 21, 2020 at 10:45 am

    Thank you Shaunna:
    No, he is not dating anyone, but he’s flirting with lots of girls (or at least I think so, cause he is constantly follow them in social media and liking their posts). If he forgets about me on plain sight, what would happen if I dissappear? Also, my country is locked down due to covid, so I can’t go out or doing anything interesting.
    I can use this time to work on myself, I know, I try. But I feel terrible. Also, he has depression and has bad times, I tried to be there and he used to be thankful for that, what if I don’t support him anymore but other girls do? I guess that they already do, but I am afraid of disappearing completly cause then… But at the same time, I need him to miss me, they say that you don’t know what do you have until you loose it but would this work with my situation?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 24, 2020 at 1:14 am

      If you stick to NC and work on yourself so that you become Ungettable and show this on social media it can work to make your ex miss you yes

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