By Chris Seiter

Updated on June 9th, 2021

Getting an ex to talk to you first can be tricky.

Luckily, I’ve learned quite a few tips over the years that can help you make this dream into a reality.

And we’re going to be talking about those tips today.

Oh, you want to hear the best part?

I’m also going to be taking those tips and explaining them in-depth so you understand them enough to begin implementing them today.

You ready?

Let’s begin!

How To Make Your Ex Talk To You First

When I first started gathering all of my thoughts for this article I didn’t think I’d have a lot to say.

However, once I went down the rabbit hole I realized that my list of notes ended up being something like 3 pages long.

I tend to think a bit differently than the average “relationship coach” but I think you can ask any of my clients that my outside the box thinking tends to get results more often than not.

Overall there are three things I’d like to talk to you about today,

  1. The Idea Of Earning The Right To Be “Reached Out” To
  2. The Zeigarnik Effect In Texting Conversations
  3. Priming The Ideal Image

Let’s begin by tackling the most important concept I want you to absorb.

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Tip #1: You Have To Earn The Right To Be Reached Out To

One of the biggest misconceptions I think people have out there is that they assume I can give them some magic bullet phrase to say or some magic bullet thing to do that will inevitably make their ex reach out to them first.

It really doesn’t work that way.

Have you ever heard of the Battle of The Bulge?

It was actually a battle fought in World War 2 and is considered to be one of it’s biggest battles.

I won’t get into the granular details of the battle but I do want to show you something,

All of the blue movements you see on the map are the allied forces movements and all of the red movements are what the germans did.

Do you see how back and forth this battle was.

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The allies would push forward…

Only to be stopped and pushed back by the Germans.

Essentially the two forces fought to a standstill.

In fact, I heard once that every day in the United States a newspaper would be released monitoring the movement of the previous days results. People would literally cheer when they’d see the allies pushing forward and grow in despair when that advantage would be erased.

Almost like watching sports in a weird way.

This may seem off topic but I assure you it’s not.

If you want your ex to reach out to you first you are going to have to grind away and kind of enter a battle of the bulge mode to earn the right and respect to make them want to reach out to you.


Great question.

That’s where my next tip comes into play.

Tip #2: The Zeigarnik Effect In Texting Conversations

Your job is to turn the tide in your favor.

In order to do that you’ll need to find a way to end conversations the right way.

Generally when someone works with me and I probe them on their conversations with their ex I notice an alarming trend.

They actually overstay their welcome on conversations.

Consider for a moment a three hour conversation.

The quality of that conversation will not stay consistent hour by hour.

Instead, it’ll look something like this,

It starts off kind of average and then slowly but surely as time creeps forward you’ll notice the quality picks up.

In fact, it picks up so much to the point where the conversation peaks.

It reaches a point where you’ll notice it can’t get any better than it is at that exact moment.

It’ll stay at that level for a little while and then inevitably the quality will drop.

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It’s not like you did anything wrong for it to drop. It’s just the way it works.

Now most people end their conversations with their exes here,

They essentially wait until they’ve squeezed everything they can from the conversation and then end it.

Or they wait until their ex reaches a point where they are growing bored of talking and have the conversation end that way.

The problem with this is that it doesn’t give your ex anything to look forward to.

They don’t have a reason to want to reach out and talk to you first.

That’s where the zeigarnik effect comes into play.

What Is The Zeigarnik Effect?

I think I’ve actually done a video on this one explaining it,

Pretty interesting, right?

Essentially the zeigarnik effect is a psychological concept that states,

People remember uncompleted tasks better than completed ones

It explains why we tune into TV shows time and time again after they end on a cliffhanger.

It explains why we get annoyed when we leave for work and worry that we’ve left the hairdryer plugged in.

All of those things are uncompleted tasks and every fiber of our being begs us to complete them.

Now, if you recall my “quality of conversation” talk above you’d notice that most people are ending conversations at the end of the conversation.

I propose you end conversations here,

Ending the conversation at the high point or even a little before the high point does a couple of amazing things.

  1. It gives your ex a reason to want to talk to you again
  2. It interrupts the task they were engaged in

It’s best if you end the conversation abruptly so it’s almost a shock that you have to go.

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It gives your ex an exact reason to want to contact you again.

The Battle Of The Bulge Combined With The Zeigarnik Effect

Let’s combine the two tips I’ve talked about so far.

Do not expect to end the conversation first, at the high point and have your ex just reach out to you from that point on.

It typically doesn’t work that way.

It’ll be a little like the battle of the bulge where you may have to initiate a few conversations to fully get it’s effect.

You may have to fight to a standstill before you see results but keep grinding away, it’ll be worth it.

3. Priming The Ideal Image Via Social Media

I can’t tell you how often someone who works with me will ask me if they should “unfriend their ex on Facebook.”

My answer is always the same.

No… Social Media Is One Of The Best Weapons You Can Use!

So far we’ve only talked about direct ways to make your ex want to talk to you first.

Where things really start firing on all cylinders is when you introduce indirect ways to make your ex want to reach out to you.

But how?

Well, essentially you use social media to cultivate the ideal image of yourself.

I’ll give you an example.

I was talking about this idea in our private facebook group and one of our members took it to heart and did this to the max.

You see, she noticed that her ex was an outdoor type and that she wasn’t exactly that.

So, she started posting photos of her going biking,

Her ex was also a pretty big golfer so she went to a driving range and posted a video like this,

It doesn’t seem like much, right?

And yet he reached out a few days later literally asking her about golfing.

This entire strategy is based around the fact that we know there is a very significant chance that your ex is watching you from afar via social media. So, if you combine this with the more direct way of getting your ex to talk to you, you have a killer combination.


Like always, I’m here if you have any questions about anything I talked about.

Do not be afraid to comment.

Let’s do a quick recap of what I talked about today.

  • There are three big tips that we covered in this article
  • You have to earn the right to have your ex reach out to you first
  • You can learn a lot from history, specifically the battle of the bulge
  • Use the Zeigarnik Effect to end conversations at the ideal point and create a reason that your ex will want to talk to you
  • While you are using direct ways to make your ex reach out to your first don’t forget to use indirect ways
  • You can do this by cultivating the ideal image you want your ex to digest on social media

Again, I’m here if you have any questions at all about anything I wrote.

Simply comment below!

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14 thoughts on “How To Get Your Ex To Talk To You First”

  1. Brandon M.

    February 4, 2020 at 4:48 pm

    What do I do if my ex does NOT have social media?
    All these plat forms about getting back with your ex say social media is the best weapon but he does not have social media at all. its been 30 days no contact. first I begged for 3 days (but he wasn’t agitated), I went silent for a week, then broke silence when I saw him on the dating website (Huge mistake on my part, he got a little agitated). Then I went into no contact again. We were in a 6 month relationship. I’m currently shooting for 45 days of no contact but what do I do about the lack of social media? I feel like I’m in limbo. We don’t share the same group of friends, he doesn’t have social media. How can I be sure he is even thinking about me or if I’m wasting my time. (knowing even something can help me move on). I’m past the emotional phase, the sad phase, the angry phase. Now I just miss him. I’m focusing on myself and been succeeding in getting a lot of personal goals for myself done. But its impossible to stay so busy that you don’t think of your EX. IMPOSSIBLE. I just don’t know where to go from here. I want to purchase your book but I’m worried it wont touch on this subject.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 7, 2020 at 9:14 pm

      If an ex does not have social media then you would aim for the sphere of influence, friends or family who do have social media or who are in your life.

  2. Naim

    January 13, 2020 at 1:24 am

    Hi Chris!
    Even during the relationship, my ex was more independent and kept to himself. I’m afraid that my ex won’t reach out to me since I’ve implicated the NC rule a few days ago. But at the same time, we go to the same school and hang around in the same friend group and i don’t know how to keep the NC rule and if I break it, I’m afraid that I can’t bring attention to myself during the time I am with him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 13, 2020 at 10:57 pm

      Hey Naim, so the No Contact rule is not about waiting for your ex to reach out to you, read some articles about no contact and realise that it is about you working on yourself for 30 days (average) to then reach out yourself to your ex. Read as many articles on this website that apply to your situation for you to understand the process better.

  3. RD

    September 3, 2019 at 11:38 am

    How does this work if your ex has unfollowed you and your friends and family on all social media?

  4. Trent

    April 22, 2019 at 6:34 pm

    So me and my ex have been broken up for about 3 weeks and right now she still has some anger for me. She will speak to me if mail comes in for me or something like that. But it’s always very serious and cordial. I want to find a way to get her to want to have a good conversation with me. About life, work, etc… (good things) and work towards maybe going to dinner or something. But I have no idea how to get her past the “anger” stage and get just enough trust and kindness that she will genuinely want to talk to me (keeping in mind she removed me on social media because seeing me was “hurting her” I just wanna turn the hate back into love.

  5. Leah Jamison

    November 6, 2018 at 3:24 pm

    Hi Chris
    Great site !!!! It’s very helpful.
    My ex is not on any form of social media.
    Do you have any ideas as to how else I can get him to see that I’m out there moving on improving and making changes in my life.
    We haven’t talked for 6 weeks Just started texting . He has not initiated a text yet.
    We were in a ltr 6 years.

    1. Chris Seiter

      November 6, 2018 at 10:39 pm

      Hi Leah!

      Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. Perhaps your friends network. Or some creative tactics (message in a real bottle). I get into some of this and much more in my special topic eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”.

  6. PB

    October 15, 2018 at 5:09 pm

    Thank you for your answer Chris!
    But what do I do if we met this week in the event? It would be the first time since before the break up and, since I said, we’ve been almost three months without talking, way more than our longest time like this. I don’t know how to act. The last conversation was him backing again after a few steps but there wasn’t any fight or something like that, it was all friendly, is this very long “silence” which would make the things even more difficult and awkward. If I see him in a few days…what must I do? I would prefer him to approach, I’m too “traumatized” and scared for the current situation and very afraid of his reaction (and of averything I can fear, other women, all kind of things). But what if he doesn’t? What do you think I should do if we met?
    Thank you again

    1. Chris Seiter

      October 16, 2018 at 3:02 am

      Hi PB!

      Best to be yourself and friendly and avoid relationship talk.

  7. PB

    October 12, 2018 at 9:34 pm

    It’s been a year and a half since the break up and now almost three months without talking. We had never spent more than one month (a few NC and he always initiated even if I was doing the NC because he was getting distant before). Last time we were at our best point reconnecting, one day we was suggesting facetiming in the near future and saying that it was happy and two days before he said that we should wait and if when he wanted I still want we would do it. So I started a NC that would only end with him texting. Which didn’t happen. I’m afraid he may be with another girl or something… And there is a big chance of us meeting in an event next week. We’ve never seen each other since before the break up (LDR). I don’t know what to do. I played my best version of the UG in social media these months but I was already doing it. I even doubt he checks on me on instagram and facebook.
    What can I do? I can’t initiate and if in a week we see each other (it isn’t a short evening event but a whole weekend, a big event full of people, this is going to be hard). Any advice? Why do you think he changed his mind and stopped talking to me? What should I do if we met in the event?
    Thank you

    1. Chris Seiter

      October 13, 2018 at 2:08 am

      Hi PB!

      Just be your Ungettable Girl self. He is the one that is missing out. IF he doesn’t ever wake up to what he is missing out, that’s on him. Meanwhile, you should explore a path that makes you happy. Don’t wait on whether he wakes up.

  8. sam

    October 11, 2018 at 9:28 pm

    I am so worried that my ex will never reach out or try to contact me. I am 2 weeks into no contact and it is killing me.

    1. Chris Seiter

      October 12, 2018 at 3:04 am

      That is common fear. If it helps, go pick up my 247 page Special Topic ebook, “The No Contact Rule Book” as it will walk you thru it all and also take you thru some how you can cope and heal.