Welcome to the ultimate Guide in understanding how to use the No Contact Rule after a breakup.

In short, the No Contact Rule is about shutting down communications with an ex for a certain period of time such that you create space for each other allowing for healing, self recovery, and an opportunity for both of you to potentially come back together as a couple.

In some circles, this all encompassing strategy is also referred to as implementing Radio Silence with your ex boyfriend.

I guess we could also call it shutting down all communications or going quiet.

I suppose we could even describe it as giving your ex the silent treatment.  Or if we take it a step further,  the No Contact Rule could also be described as refusing to talk and communicate with your boyfriend on every level for the sake of your own recovery and eventually getting him back.

Guess what we are going to do!

We are going to dig into this much talked about, but poorly understood concept.  I consider it one of the most effective rules you will need to embrace during the Post Breakup Period.

And I want to be very clear about something:

This isn’t some lame “does the no contact rule work?” post that I just slapped together in fifteen minutes.

It is so much more than that!

What Is The No Contact Rule Really All About?

People want to know if this non communication strategy really works.

Will it work for me” is the most frequent question men and women have about using Radio Silence as a breakup strategy. People expect to learn what it is, what it can do for them, and how and why it works.

People want to know “what should I do if I break the no contact rule?

Many who hear about it’s usefulness in helping get an boyfriend back often are curious about why it is so effective and how long it will take to work.  Clients will ask me, “my boyfriend is really stubborn.  Are you sure the no contact rule work on him?”

I get men and women everyday confessing to me that they didn’t implement the Radio Silence Treatment correctly.  They will tell me they broke off Radio Silence early.  They want to know if by breaking no contact, did they screw up and will they still get him back.  They will ask if they should start it all over again.

So as you can see, there are just so many questions.  I think you deserve answers because how else can you optimize your chances of getting him back, right?

Well, you have come to the right place, my friend!

Does Ignoring Your Ex Really Work?

With this Guide you’re going to learn everything that I’ve discovered from my 6+ years of working with clients who’ve used the no contact rule to success after a breakup.

So, if you’re looking to utilize this break up recovery strategy and are hoping that it will help you get through this difficult time, then you’re going to need a comprehensive and instructive Guide.

I am going to give you that and much more.  But first, let’s explore the big picture of how this NC rule can make a huge difference in bettering your chances of getting your ex coming back and opening up.

This next section of my Guide will offer you 10 Novel Reasons Why Ignoring Your Ex Can Work To Your Adva so well in helping you get your ex boyfriend back a whole lot faster than you would imagine.  If you think its all over and your ex boyfriend will never want to see and speak to you again, well guess what?

You have a secret ex recovery weapon!

10 Intriguing Benefits of Not Talking To Your Ex Anymore

1. Stop The Bleeding Caused By the Break Up.

It hurts like hell when your ex boyfriend breaks up with you.  Heck, it’s painful as heck even if you initiate the break up.  However it all went down, chances are you and your boyfriend’s nerves are shot,  that emotions are on edge, and if there isn’t some relief soon, what is left of the relationship is going to implode.  So Radio Silence is like a circuit breaker.  You are kicking off the communications and creating some space so you and your boyfriend can breathe on your own again.

2.  Implementing Radio Silence Helps Your Ex Boyfriend Experience Some Healing.

If you want to optimize your chances over the long run, you need to separate from your ex boyfriend in the short run for a lot of reasons, least of which is your ex boyfriend needs to get better.  He might be acting like an angry bully or may be undergoing serious emotional difficulties.  Depression may be setting in.  His inability to cope with these new emotions makes him unapproachable.  And if you try to reach out to your ex during this emotional packed time, do so at your own risk!  So allow him some time to navigate through his stages of grief.

3.  Hey, What About Your Own Healing After a Break Up?

That’s right.  You too need to get your emotions centered, so healing is a two way street.  Neither of your are going to be of much good to the other during most stages of the post break up period.  You might agree to go your separate ways amicably, but later those feelings of rejection, resentment, anger and all the rest are going to descend upon you.  Getting through all that will take you some time.

4. The No Contact Rule Allows You To Reset The Relationship After The Breakup

Somewhere along the way, you and your boyfriend blew up the relationship. There can be tons of reasons for that.  By using Radio Silence right after the break-up, you are in effect resetting the Breakup Clock.  The old relationship is dead.  Now you are in the post break up period.  The idea though is to work through this period to do a lot of things that will allow you to reset the Relationship and hopefully come at it in a better way, armed with greater knowledge and insights.

5. Ignoring Your Ex Allows You To Create Attraction

When you buy my eBooks, you learn all about how to maximize the No Contact Period such that you are doing things not just for your own self recovery (healing), but also taking many steps to rebuild attraction and plant seeds of arousal.

6. Rolling Out Your NC Strategy Allows You To Create a Self Recovery Plan

There are two sides to the after breakup period.  Like two sides of a coin. There is the part where you do things to optimize your chances to win your ex boyfriend back.  Then there are things that you do for yourself to get better in all aspects of your life.  I refer to this as optimizing your Holy Trinity of improving your health, wealth, and relationships.  And the wonderful thing about it is by doing this for yourself, you give yourself protection in the event you never get your ex boyfriend back.  You will have so much more balance and perspective about your place in life.  And interestingly, this side of the coin (self recovery) helps you with the other side of the coin (creating attraction and interest from your ex boyfriend).

7. Going Silent With Your Ex Boyfriend Gives You Time To Rebuild Your Confidence

There is not much worse than feeling discarded and rejected and disappointed by your ex boyfriend, over and over again.  It can take its toll in your personal confidence department.  So use this time of Radio Silence wisely, and focus on things that will rebuild your confidence and sense of self value.  Remember, it is ultimately your ex boyfriend’s loss if he can’t find his way back to you.  That is not on you.  You will execute your plan and he will have his opportunities, but whatever happens, you can hold your head up high and walk with confidence.

8. Using the No Contact Rule Helps You With Enhancing Your Value

One of the things I talk about in all my Ebooks is the importance of striving to become the Ungettable Girl.  This is where you focus on not just becoming the best version of yourself, but you seek to be everything your ex boyfriend may have imagined as his dream girlfriend, except he can’t quite have you right now.  That is the place you want to arrive and there are many tactics you can draw upon to get there.

9. By Ending Contact With Your Ex Boyfriend It Open Your Eyes To Other Paths and Alternatives

Right now you are probably thinking of your ex boyfriend with great intensity.  It might be fair to say your are obsessed with thoughts about him and what he did and why it didn’t work out and how you can get him back just as quickly as possible.  But some of my clients, once they have gone through the entire No Contact Rule period, will come out the other side with an entirely different perspective of what they want.  And it may not be their ex boyfriend that they want to return to.  It may be something new you will want.  You may come to appreciate that your ex boyfriend’s spell over you has ended and he is not what you need after all.

10.  Once You Pick Up One Of My Ebooks and Start In On Ending Communications With Your Ex, You Will Learn About Psychological Reactance.

Don’t you just love fancy scientific sounding words!  Well, this one actually works.  Indeed, just the fact that you are shutting down communications with your ex boyfriend plays well with this psychological principle.  In short, it goes like this.  Your boyfriend is not use to not getting what he wants.  The more your deprive him of contact, the greater his desire will be to regain that which he lost.

How To Get Your Ex Back With The No Contact Rule

Get your ex back with no contact

Now it’s time to dig in deeper into the subject of using Radio Silence on your ex boyfriend. If you want to use the no contact rule to get your ex back then there are really seven key things that you need to grasp.  They include:

  1. Understand how this Radio Silence Principle Works!
  2. Figure out how long you should make use of this strategy of not contacting your ex boyfriend
  3. Implement this Non Communication Strategy by harnessing a two pronged approach
  4. Embark on “The Holy Trinity” during this period of avoiding your ex
  5. Understand the cases where you can break the No Contact Period early
  6. Know when NOT to use Radio Silence with your boyfriend
  7. Understand how these  important concepts link together and why staying disciplined is important

The end…

No, I’m just kidding.

Buckle up because this is going to be one heck of a ride teaching you everything you need to know to be a success.

1. Understand How Refusing To Communicate With Your Ex Can Work Wonders

Understand what the no contact rule is.

If you are familiar with my work on Ex Boyfriend Recovery then you would know that I often like to compare getting an ex back to a puzzle.

It just so happens that the no contact rule is the largest piece of that puzzle.

What do you see?

It’s a puzzle that is divided into two sections.

The top section


The bottom section

Now, let’s pretend that the top section of the puzzle is considered to be “the no contact rule” and the bottom part of the puzzle is considered to be the rest of the “ex recovery” strategy that I teach on this site.


And in order to successfully get your ex back you need to merge the two puzzle pieces.

In other words, you can’t just rely on one side of the puzzle to do the work for you. I have noticed that over the years that people who come to this site always seem to be under the impression that all they need to do to win their ex back is implement the no contact rule.

That’s not true.

Yes, the no contact rule may, without a doubt, be the most important aspect of ex recovery but it isn’t going to get you over the finish line alone.

Why would I tell you this?

I want you to manage your expectations going in to reading this article. I want you to understand that there is still more work after this.

Now, I also don’t want to give off the impression that the no contact rule is easy.

It’s not.

But perhaps I should stop rambling and start explaining.

I enjoy making things as simple as possible for people and that’s what I am going to do here.

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

Now, I said I was going to make this as easy as possible for you to understand so let’s break this definition down piece by piece.

Let’s start with this part,

Cut off all communication

There is nothing too out of the ordinary here.

Cutting off all communication means that you don’t talk to your ex at all in any way shape or form.

Well… this isn’t exactly true all the time (as I will teach you later) but for now just roll with it.

If your ex texts you, you ignore them.

If they call you… Yup, you ignore them.




Get it?

Got it?


Ok, the next part of our definition is,

For a certain amount of time

Of course, in order to explain this I think we are actually going to have to move on to concept number two.

2. How Long You Should Avoid Contacting Your Ex Boyfriend

figure out how long your no contact should be

One of the most popular questions that I get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is,

“Chris, how long should my no contact rule last for?”

It’s a good question because it depends wholly on your situation. You see, I used to claim that everyone should stick to a very basic 30 day rule. In other words, if you were going to try the no contact rule you should ignore your ex for a month.

But experience has taught me that this isn’t always the best practice.

For some situations 30 days may be too long and for others it may not be long enough.

That’s why you will see me recommending three different time frames when it comes to the no contact rule,

  1. The 21 Day Rule
  2. The 30 Day Rule
  3. The 45 Day Rule

Now, each of these rules have a different purpose.

So, what I would like to do now is help you determine which of these time frames is ideal for you.

(Side Note: There are pros and cons to each of these rules. So, consider everything before you pick one.)

The 21 Day Period Can Work For Some Breakup Situations

The 21 day rule is the shortest rule that I am willing to recommend here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. It’s perfect for those situations where you think your ex is going to freak out if you ignore them.

Some think its the sweet spot.  Sometimes you can adapt your period as I discuss in my BEST SELLING No Contact Rule Book!

Let me give you an example.

Imagine that you were to use the no contact rule on your ex and you got a string of text messages that looked like this,


I have found that it’s counter productive to continue ignoring an ex for too long when you are getting the type of messages you want to be seeing from them.

But that leads us to an interesting question.

What if you aren’t getting the type of responses you want to see from an ex?

What if they freak out but not in a good way?


Well, then the 21 day rule isn’t going to be ideal.

Instead, you may want to look into the 30 or 45 day rule.

Speaking of the 30 day rule…

The 30 Day Period Is A Good Balance of Creating the Effect You Want With Most Guys

The 30 day no contact rule is what I like to call the basic no contact rule.

In other words, it should be your ideal starting point.

Take a look at the graphic I put together for you below,


This graphic is meant to represent what I want every person who does the no contact rule to do.

I want them to start off by doing a 30 day rule and then based on how their ex reacts to the no contact rule I want them to adapt.

So, let’s say that you are doing the no contact rule on your ex and you receive the positive messages that you received above with the 21 day rule,


But this doesn’t just happen once.

No, this is the third time something like this has started to happen.

Well, in that case then you probably want to move your 30 day rule to a 21 day rule,


Of course, the opposite is true if you receive negative text messages.

If that ends up happening then you probably want to turn your 30 day rule into a 45 day rule,


Let’s move on and talk a little more in-depth about the 45 day no contact rule.

The 45 Day Period Is About As Far You Want To Go

45 days is the longest I am willing to recommend for a no contact rule.

I know that may shock some of you who are familiar with what other experts recommend but there is a reason for why I don’t think a no contact period should ever last longer than 45 days.

On average how long do you think it takes a human being to break a habit?

According to research, 66 days.

So technically speaking it may only take your ex 66 days to get out of the habit of thinking about you. Now, can you imagine if you flat out ignored your ex for 90 days and then all of a sudden out of the blue you texted them.

Wouldn’t that be weird?

They may already be over you and you may not even have a chance at getting them back.

But lets move on from talking about time frames for a second and keep defining the no contact rule,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery,

Hmm… I think this one deserves it’s own section to be honest with you.

3. Implement Using A Two Pronged Strategy

the two pronged a

The way I teach the no contact rule versus the way other experts out there teach it is a little different.

Take a look at the graphic below,


This is how I teach the no contact rule.

You see, the no contact rule gives everyone who uses it an opportunity to implement a two pronged strategy.

  • Prong One = Making An Ex Miss You
  • Prong Two = Facilitates Recovery

Lets talk about each of the prongs for a bit first.

NC Prong One (Making Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You)

If you were to ask any person what their ideal outcome would be if they were to use the no contact rule it would be that their ex goes so crazy over being ignored that they want to get back together as soon as possible.

In other words, their ex would exhibit the behavior of someone who misses a lover.

And I am not going to lie, the no contact rule does do this.

This is one of the BIGGEST assets of implementing the no contact rule which I cover in great detail in my best selling ebook, “THE NO CONTACT RULE BOOK.

However, it’s rare for an ex to ask you to get back together so I wouldn’t really bank on it. What I will say is that the no contact rule can drastically increase the chances of making an ex miss you and their is scientific proof backing this up.

Have you ever heard of psychological reactance?


“Psychological Reactance is defined as a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioral freedoms. Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or her choices or limiting the range of alternatives.”

Now, that may have been a lot to swallow if you weren’t a psychology major so allow me to break it down.

Psychological reactance assumes that there are a set number of freedoms that a person has. However, when one of those freedoms is taken away the person will react to it. Usually in a way where they try to reobtain that freedom.

So, let’s look at what’s happening here.

By ignoring your ex you are denying them certain freedoms (the freedom to talk to you.) So, according to psychological reactance they are going to react in a way to try to try to get that freedom back.

Think of it like this.

Let’s say I offer my daughter a cookie and she accepts it.

A simple premise, right?

Let’s shake things up.

Now let’s say that I offer my daughter a cookie and right when she reaches for it I end up taking it away and placing it on a nearby table.

(I am definitely a horrible parent 🙁 .)

What do you think she is going to do?

Well, she understands on a basic level that her freedom to have that cookie has just been taken away and she is going to do everything in her power to get it.

That’s psychological reactance at work.

Her freedom to have the cookie was just taken away and as a result she behaved in a way to get it back.

NC Prong Two (Facilitating A Recovery)

I am a little appalled of how little people talk about the second prong of the no contact rule.


Because in my opinion it’s the most powerful aspect of NC.

Think about it, in the end all you can do is influence your ex to feel a certain way. Truthfully, you don’t have any control over what they think or the actions they take.

However, when it comes to prong two you have complete control because prong two focuses heavily on you.

Think of it this way,


By facilitating a recovery you are going to become more confident in yourself. As you grow more confident in yourself you are going to appear more attractive towards the people around you.

That includes your ex.

Such was the case for Natalie, the woman featured in episode of three of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast (https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/episode3/). You see, she ended up moving on a facilitated a recovery.

The result = Her ex ended up contacting her and hitting on her.

But this begs an interesting question.

How do you facilitate a recovery?

Well, you want to utilize what I call “The Holy Trinity.”

4. Embark On The Holy Trinity

the holy trinity in no contact

It’s actually three things.

Health, wealth and relationships.

I’ll tell you what. I am going to go put together a report for you explaining this.

One sec….

Ok, here you go,

(Holy Trinity)

This book will explain the basics of “The Holy Trinity.”

In a nutshell, you can divide the most important aspects of your life into these three categories.

Well, during the no contact rule you want to only be doing things that positively impact these three aspects of your life.

I talk about this briefly in the holy trinity report.

But here’s something I don’t talk about in the report.

The three aspects of the holy trinity are interconnected. What affects one aspect will end up affecting the other aspects.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say that you lose your job. Thus, your “wealth” category is negatively impacted,


Common sense, right?

But as a result of losing your job you become very depressed and your “mental health” becomes impacted,


With your “mental health” compromised you begin to take your frustrations out on your significant other and as a result they break up with you,


All in all, everything gets impacted negatively. It’s like quicksand. One bad thing happens and everything gets pulled down with it. However, if we are going to buy into this theory of everything being connected that also means that when something positive happens to one of the aspects everything else gets impacted as well in a positive way.

For example, let’s say that you start working out and look the best you have ever looked before,


As a result you gain more confidence and end up doing great in a job interview and get a new job,


With more confidence and a great new job word gets around and eventually reaches your ex who looks at you in a whole new light,


What impacts one aspect of the holy trinity will impact the others in some way, shape or form. Remember this as you aim to facilitate your recovery. Now, I am going to talk a lot about the holy trinity when I talk about the “no contact rule” calendar later.

For now, let’s move on and talk about the other aspect of facilitating a recovery.

Facilitating A Recovery Within Your Ex

I have a simple question for you.

Do you think you will have a better chance of getting your ex back if they are angry at you or if they are a little calmer?

Calmer, right?

Well, the other great thing about facilitating your own recovery from the breakup is that it gives your ex a chance to facilitate their own recovery from the breakup.

Why do you want them to recover from the breakup?

Well, because it’s going to allow them to be more rational for when the time finally comes for you to reach out to them.

But we will talk about that later.

Now that you have a good idea of what the no contact rule entails let’s turn our attention to a very common question that we get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery,

“Can I ever break the no contact rule?”

5. Understand The Cases Where You Can End No Contact

know when to break no contact early

This is one of those things that I constantly get asked.

Seriously, I must have been asked this at least 500 times.

Originally I was of the mindset that you shouldn’t ever break the no contact rule. In fact, I think if you go to (this article link) you will notice that I say just that. However, lets say you find yourself in a scenario where you are doing the no contact rule and your ex texts you with something like this,


Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

Well, according to my earlier advice you wouldn’t be able to.

Do you see the flaw with that type of thinking?

I am all about adapting and updating which is why I no longer think it’s necessary to stay in a no contact rule given the right circumstances.

Now, the keyword there is “right circumstances.”

One of the sad facts that I have learned about the people who visit my website is that if I give them a little bit of leeway they will take advantage of that. In other words, if I sit here and tell you that you can break the no contact rule early an idea gets planted in your head where you may potentially look for any reason to break it early.

Which is why I am very strict about the rules you can utilize to break the no contact rule early.

There are seven factors that you need to look at when determining whether or not you can break the no contact rule early.

Those seven factors are,

  1. How long you were in the relationship with your ex for?
  2. How many days have passed since you started the no contact rule?
  3. How many times have you broken up with this person before?
  4. Where are you in your own personal recovery?
  5. What was the cause of the break up?
  6. Who initiated the break up?
  7. How many positive communications have you received from your ex since starting the no contact rule?

Let’s take each data point and talk a bit about it.

I believe you will be better prepared to make a decision on which “road” to take, if you understand each piece of the puzzle. Only then can you fit them together and see what picture emerges.

You see, there is a synergistic relationship between these 7 data points. They need to be evaluated and considered together as a whole.

Sort like the 3 Musketeers!

(Even though D’Artagnan is never counted.)

You know…one for all and all for one!

Except in this case, we have the 7 Musketeers!

Factor One: How Long Were You In A Relationship With Your Ex For?

This can be a useful data point because if you have been involved with your Ex for a lengthy period of time, then this history between the two of you should give you some valuable insight on how to approach the situation.

If the history reveals a relationship plagued with many conflicts and multiple breakups, then you should take note of this pattern. It is probably telling you something. You may benefit more from staying on course with your No Contact strategy.

Then we have the situation in which the relationship was only weeks or a few months in duration.

Relatively speaking, that is not a very long time to build a solid foundation.

Breaking up after such a short time, suggests that something is not working out for one or both partners. In such a situation, making an exception and ending your No Contact is probably not a good idea.

Maybe things will work out.

Maybe not.

But I would think long and hard before breaking off the No Contact.

Factor Two: How many days have passed since you started?

If you hear from your ex on day 5 of your No Contact Period, it may be too early to make an exception.

While not a “deal breaker”, since all of these data points need to be considered as a whole, you should know that your ex reaching out to you so soon may be more to do with their “rebound emotions”.

You both may need more time to sort things out on your own, before you try to do it together.

Now on the other hand, if your ex reaches out to you on day 26 of your 30 day No Contact Period, I would be inclined to recommend you consider ending “No Contact” and exploring what is on their mind.

Unless, of course, your ex was spewing some nasty venom.

Which leads us to the next factor.

Factor Three: What Is Your Track Record With Your Ex?

If you guys have had multiple breakups in the past, then it probably is not in your best interest to make an exception.

The on again, off again relationship cycle is not healthy.

Where on the other hand, if you guys have been pretty solid in the past, that bodes well for your future.

Maybe you can cut short your No Contact Period on the strength of this factor and other data points.

Factor Four: Where Are You In Your Personal Recovery

Are you truly ready to talk to your ex again?

How much time has gone by since you last spoke?

How far along are you in your No Contact Period?

The more time that has gone by, the better, because it takes TIME to heal.

Have you been able to set aside the angry and resentful feelings you may have had following the breakup?

Do you feel you have progressed emotionally in other ways?

Are your drawing closer to becoming the best version of yourself?

Can you honestly say you have learned something meaningful about yourself?

These are the kind of things you need to think about. The last thing you want is to try to re-enter your relationship when your wounds have not healed.

Factor Five: What Caused The Breakup

If your ex cheated on you, then I am not an advocate of ending the No Contact Period early. Not unless all of the other Data Points are strongly and positively in place.

When weighing whether an exception should be made, one really needs to put a lot of weight on what caused the breakup.

Ask yourself, how severe and ugly was the ending of the relationship?

The more severe, the longer one should stay with No Contact. Breakups can be damaging and both parties need to time heal.

All breakups are going to hurt, no matter the degree of severity.

But it is usually easier to spring back from breakups if they did not cause considerable spite, anger, and hate.

Factor Six: Who Initiated The Breakup

The forces of “personal power” play a role during and after the relationship.

If you initiated the breakup, you have more personal power, at least on this matter.

But be careful with power.

It can go straight to your head in a matter of speaking, but you may not be thinking with the right side of your brain.

If you are feeling really cocky and confident about this new development of your ex reaching out to you, you may not be in the right place “emotionally” to properly gauge your situation.

Now, if your ex initiated the breakup and is now reaching out, you still need to weigh things carefully. On its surface, it may appear that the balance of personal power has swayed to your favor. Perhaps, your ex realizes they made a mistake.

Just tread carefully. In other words,

You Initiating The Breakup > Your Ex Initiating The Breakup

Factor Seven: How Many Positive Communications Did You Receive?

I saved the best and most important data point, for last! This is why I call it the Golden Factor.

What you should be looking for are multiple positive messages sent by your ex to you. One attempt to communicate, even if it’s made in the most positive way, is usually not enough, particularly if the other data points are not favorable.

When an ex reaches out to you and tells you something really nice and pleasant, that demonstrates good faith. If it is repeated, that shows the person probably really cares. If you receive a few more communications, that demonstrates a persistence.

As long as those messages sent to you have a positive energy, that bodes well for you.

Now if you get bombarded with negative message after negative message, to a point where it seems like your ex is obsessing….well, that is not a good thing.

If that happens, I would suggest you ignore those many obsessive contacts.

Positive contact can come in multiple forms.

It could be text messages. It could be emails. It could be phone messages. It could be old fashioned letters. It could be a message in a bottle. It could be a bouquet of flowers or a gift with a card.

Hell, it can even be on Facebook or Snapchat.

The main thing is that such messages need to number more than one.

They need to be positive, friendly and respectful. And they need to occur within a brief period of time (e.g. over a few days, perhaps over a week).

What if they show up at your door?

Don’t fall for it the first time around. Be nice and tell them you need more time. If this happens a few times and your ex conducted themselves respectfully, well, an exception may be in order.

Remember, I said it may be in order! You need to look at all of the data points and judge whether you wish to end your No Contact Period.
Is there any magic number of data points which have to be met, before you make an Exception?

Yes, and that leads me to my next point.

The Rule Of Four When Dealing With Breaking No Contact

Do you remember above when I mentioned that if I give people too much leeway they will take advantage of it and look for any excuse to break the no contact rule.

Well, that’s what the rule of four is meant for.

There are a total of seven factors that you need to look at if you are considering ending the no contact rule early. Well, what if I told you that you only needed four of those factors to break it.

It’s just that one of those factors has to be the “golden factor,”

The Golden Factor = Receiving Multiple Positive Communications From Your Ex

For example, let’s say that you have checked off every other factor except the golden one.

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

No, the golden factor is essential for breaking no contact early.

But what if you have the golden factor but you don’t get any of the other factors?

Can you break no contact?

No, obtaining three other factors is just as essential as obtaining the golden factor.

That’s the rule of four.

Get it?

Got it?


6. Know When NOT To Use The No Contact Principle

when NOT to use the no contact rule

This is where things tend to get a bit more complicated. You see, in addition to understanding the rules for breaking the no contact rule early (which I am just going to tell you upfront is very rare) you will also need to understand that there are going to be certain situations that you may find yourself that will require you to alter the no contact rule.

(One of my comrades in arms, Brad Browning has written a pretty great resource on the no contact rule so I encourage you to check it out if you want additional help.)

Now, altering a no contact period is completely different than breaking it.

What’s the difference?

Altering No Contact = You are still technically under the no contact period you just might be playing with a slightly different set of rules.

Breaking No Contact = You should be advancing to the next phase of the strategy to get your ex back.

Now, there are actually a lot of different situations that may make you alter your no contact rule BUT I don’t have the time to list out each and every one of them.

Instead, I thought that it would be best if I just listed out the 6 most common alterations I see people having to make,

  • If Children Are Involved
  • If You Work With Them
  • If You Live With Them
  • If You Go To School With Them
  • If You Unexpectedly Run Into Them
  • The Item Exchange

Now, since this is Ex Boyfriend Recovery and we are committed to creating the best content in the world relating to exes we are going to go above and beyond for you by teaching you the alterations you are going to have to make for each of these situations.

Let’s start from the top.

1. The Alterations You Need To Make If Children Are Involved

This is always a difficult situation to alter because more often than not if you and your ex share a child you are going to be living together (which we will talk about next.)

So, rather than addressing what to do about the living situation let’s talk about what to do if you decide to use the no contact rule on your ex and they send you something like this,


Oh, and in case you couldn’t read between the lines “Carter” is your kid.

How do you deal with this?

Ok, here is my rule for when it comes to communicating about kids during no contact.

The Rule: You can break no contact to talk about the kids and that’s it. After you interaction about the kids is over you are going right back into no contact.

Pretty simple, right?

Well, things get a bit more complicated when you take into account that more often than not if you share a child with your ex you are probably living together.

How the hell are you supposed to handle no contact?

2. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Work With Your Ex

There are two words I want you to get very familiar with.

Strictly Business!

Now, it’s important to remember that the goal here isn’t to p*ss off your ex and that can definitely happen if you work together and completely ignore him. Instead, I don’t want you to initiate any conversations with him. Let him initiate all the conversations and if he does then keep the conversation short and sweet.

The only fly in the ointment, so to speak, is if your have to communicate due to a work related activity.

In that case make sure the scope of the conversation is STRICTLY BUSINESS!

In other words, if you are talking about something business related that is completely fine but if he veers off and starts talking about something “non business related” then I want you to subtly redirect him to talking about business.

Get it?

Got it?


3. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Live With Your Ex

I am just going to be blunt with you.

The no contact rule is always going to be more effective if you aren’t living with your ex. That’s just the way it is and anyone who tells you anything differently is lying straight to your face.

BUT the no contact rule can still be effective if you live with the person so don’t go into a depression just yet.

It’s just that it isn’t going to be as effective.

So, what’s the rule regarding living with your ex?

The Rule: If it’s possible move out.

Now, the keyword that you want to look at there is “IF IT’S POSSIBLE.”

If moving out isn’t an option then don’t do it. Don’t worry, I have a specific strategy that you should employ but before I let you in on that I want to put my money where my mouth is.

Meet Jessica,


Jessica is someone who I personally worked with on Facebook.

I advised her to enter into a 21 day no contact period and also to move out of the house she was staying at with her ex boyfriend.

She did exactly what I said and when it was all said and done she had her ex chasing her and begging for her back. Oh, and he proposed.

This alteration produces results.

But let’s say that you can’t move out. Let’s say it’s not an option.

What do you do then?

Simple, you are going to act as cordial as possible when you do see your ex so they don’t think you are a d*ck but you NEVER want to start a conversation. Hmm…. perhaps this would work better as an example.

Ok, let’s pretend that you are dating me!

(I’m pretty awesome, I know!)

We are living together and you decide you want to utilize the no contact rule.

One day I come home from work (because in this example I am a high powered business man 😉 ) and I look pretty stressed. Every fiber of your being is going to want to ask me a simple question,

“Are you ok?”


“How was your day?”

But you aren’t allowed to.


Because you are in the midst of a no contact rule.

Now let’s answer one of the most asked questions I get about this situation.

Let’s say that instead of me looking stressed and angry when I come home that particular day I look pretty happy and I even go as far as to ask you how your day was.

What do you do?

Most women make the mistake of thinking that they should ignore their exes at this point.

That’s a mistake because that will just create more animosity between the two of you and that’s the last thing we want. Instead, the best way to handle this situation is to engage me in a conversation but keep it short and sweet.

The idea is not to linger too long.

4. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Go To School With Your Ex

Out of all the alterations I talk about in this section this is probably the easiest one to grasp.

In fact, the alteration here pretty much boils down to two steps.

Step One: Avoid your ex

Step Two: If it’s impossible to avoid them then keep it short and sweet

So, let’s talk about these steps really quick.

I want you to avoid your ex at school at all costs. Yes, I realize some mumbo jumbo expert out there may disagree with me but believe me when I say that this is for your own good.


Well, because I have often found that people will look for any conceivable excuse to “bump into their exes.”

But let’s assume you are in a situation where “step one” is impossible.

Let’s say that you are in the exact same class as your ex and it’s pretty much impossible to avoid them. Well, in that case I want you to keep everything short and sweet.

What do I mean by that?

Well, for starters I don’t want you to start any conversations with your ex. However, let’s say that your ex starts a conversation with you (like my example above when you live with an ex.)

Well, keep everything short and sweet.

Engage them but don’t engage them fully.

Be nice but not too nice.

Short and sweet.

That’s the name of the game.

5. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Unexpectedly Run Into Your Ex Boyfriend

Imagine for a moment that you are walking down the street and all of a sudden you see your ex…

You panic…

You get that deer in the headlights look…

And you pull a “kramer,”


Now, do you think that is the proper way to utilize the no contact rule in this situation?


Absolutely not.

Instead, the correct move here is to walk up to your ex, say hi and leave it at that.

Less is more…

Now, before we move on to the final alteration I do have one thing to say. DON’T GO LOOKING TO RUN INTO YOUR EX ON PURPOSE! If you do that and they catch on to what you are doing then without a doubt you are going to appear to be desperate and that is going to have the opposite effect of what you are supposed to do.

6. Alterations You Need To Make For An Item or Possessions Exchange With Your Ex

Ah, and here it is…

The ultimate no contact question that I get asked on pretty much a daily basis.

“Chris, am I allowed to break the no contact rule if my ex has items that I want back?”


“What about if my ex asks me for their things?”

Ok, let’s tackle the easy one first.

If your ex asks for their things back then you have to give them their stuff back. No if’s, ands or buts about it.Therefore, you are allowed to break the no contact rule but just in this one instance. After the items are exchanged then I want you to go right back into the no contact rule.

How do you handle the interaction when you are exchanging things?

Good question.

Generally you want it to be short and sweet.

This isn’t a time to linger and relive the worst or best parts of your relationship.

Get in, exchange items and get out.


Now, lets tackle the more difficult question.

What if your ex has something of yours that you want back. How do you handle that?

Well, the first question I would ask you is how important is it to you?

If we are talking “toothbrush level” type stuff then I think you can live without it and should probably stay in the no contact rule.

But what if it’s something of grave importance to you?

Something like your mothers ashes… Well, then you have my permission to break the no contact rule to get them back.

Fun Fact: Did you ever see the Malcolm in The Middle episode where the babysitter is fighting with her ex over her mothers ashes (I did obviously 😉 .)

7. Understand These Four Important Concepts To Stay Disciplined

Stay disciplined by doing these things

Now that you have a pretty good idea of how the no contact rule works I want to move on to the next step.

There is a philosophy that I want you to adopt.

It’s called “Dating Yourself.”

In fact, I did a whole interview with a dating coach named Veronica Grant where she pretty much summed up “dating yourself” better than I ever could,

(In case you don’t have the patience to watch the entire interview here is her summarization of “dating yourself,”)

Dating yourself is kind of what it sounds like. Doing things for yourself that you would either want or expect your significant other to do for you. So, it can be things like buying yourself flowers, writing yourself a love note, taking a hot bubble bath, taking yourself out for a drink or for a nice dinner but really the deeper essence of it is making yourself feel how you want to feel on your relationship.

Now, I am absolutely in love with this idea, especially during the no contact rule.


Well, it kind of serves as a gauntlet for weeding out the people who aren’t serious about getting their exes back and simply want to move on. And that’s a great thing because usually half the battle is finding a way to get on the right path.

So, how does this “gauntlet effect” work?

1. The Gauntlet Effect

It’s hard to admit (because I was a young buck when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery) but I have been doing this for over half a decade. But most of the people who come to this website want one thing and one thing only,

They want to get their exes back.

And I feel I have certainly catered to those people a lot (Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO anyone?)

But sometimes a person comes to me with a horrifying story that makes me think,

“Hmm… maybe you shouldn’t get back with your ex.”

And being me, I usually verbalize my thoughts without thinking a lot of time.

Now, usually when I tell someone this they are very respectful and often times they agree with me. However, when it comes time for them to take specific actions revolving around getting over their ex they actually do the opposite.

Now, after five years of his happening to me I have finally wised up to what’s going on.

Nothing I say will convince a person otherwise and I have simply decided to let people go through their own process (because sometimes that’s what it takes for them to realize their ex is not the right fit for them.)

Ah, but that’s where “The Gauntlet Effect” comes into play.

By utilizing the “date yourself” philosophy during the no contact rule you are essentially putting yourself in a gauntlet to see if you are still interested in your ex by the end of the no contact rule.

Allow me to explain in more detail.

Let’s pretend that you are doing a 30 day no contact rule and you decide that on top of utilizing the “two prongs” that I talked about above you are going to also utilize the “date yourself” philosophy.

And while you are dating yourself you come to the realization that,

“Hmm… my ex never treated me as good as I am treating myself right now..”

And pretty soon this singular thought evolves into,

“I don’t think I want him back.”

Well, that’s the gauntlet effect in play right there. It essentially helps you determine what you really want going forward. Of course, if you come out the other end of the gauntlet and you still want your ex back then you absolutely positively have my permission to do everything in your power to get him back.

Of course, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves now.

WARNING: Most People Who Try The No Contact Rule End Up Failing It

I think I may have mentioned this before but it never hurts to re-iterate.

The odds aren’t in your favor to successfully make it through the no contact rule. In fact, I would say that the vast majority of people I have met have ultimately ended up failing at the no contact rule.

Now, what does that mean?

Well, usually that means that you decide to do a period of no contact and somewhere during that period you end up contacting your ex.

And it’s easy to understand why.

We live in a digital age where temptation is all around us.

I mean, think about it.

How tempting would it be to check your exes Facebook profile?

What about check and see the last time they logged into WhatsApp?

Of course, it’s my job to ensure that you don’t fail at the no contact rule so here’s what I have decided to do for you. I have put together a list of the very best ways that you can safely remove temptation. In other words, if you do the following things then your chances of successfully completing the no contact rule will drastically increase.

  • Getting A Friend To Hold The Number
  • Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time
  • Keeping A Journal
  • Unfollow On Facebook

Let’s talk a little about each of these initiatives.

2. Getting A Trusted Friend To Hold Onto Your Exes Number

Now, I am not going to lie to you.

This one is a bit flawed.

But more on that in a second. For now, let’s just grasp what this initiative is.

Essentially the way this works is that you write your exes number down on a piece of paper and then you erase that number from your phone. After that, you take the piece of paper to a trusted friend and tell them not to give it to you until your 21 – 45 days are up.

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“I get it and everything but what’s the flaw?

Well, let’s say that I am the trusted friend who you gave your exes number to. And let’s say that your ex contacts you at some point. It will probably still show up on your phone but just as a number you don’t recognize.

Nevertheless, I have seen this method work for a lot of women who have tried it so it isn’t without it’s merits.

3. Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time to Think About Him or Do Something You Will Regret

I am a big fan of this one.


Well, because IF you do the no contact rule the way that I am recommending you to do it then this is going to happen naturally.

Think about it…

The holy trinity…

Dating yourself…

These are things that are meant to keep you buys and most importantly keep your mind off of your ex which is a HUGE problem we are facing. So, the idea here is that you keep yourself so busy that you don’t even have time to contact your ex.

Now, I realize that it’s unrealistic of me to say,

“Ok, as long as you just make yourself busy you won’t ever have time to contact your ex.”

That’s not true.

If someone is motivated enough they will always find time.

But here is the point I want to hammer home for you.

As long as you couple this strategy with a few others you should be golden.

4. Keeping A Journal Can Make The Breakup Blues Go Away

I have to admit that I can’t take credit for this one. This is the brain child of my wife.

So, the way this works is that you go out and buy a journal. Now, the thing about this journal is that it’s only meant for the no contact rule. In other words, this is your no contact rule journal 😉 .

Ok, lame joke aside you are going to utilize this journal to write down your feelings during the no contact rule.

It’s a way to exercise how you are feeling and also a way to prevent yourself from contacting your ex.

Now, let’s say you are going along down the no contact rule and all of a sudden you get this urge to contact your ex. It’s overwhelming and your fingers are literally on the phone typing in their name.

Well, instead of doing that you are going to pull out your journal and write down how you are feeling.

Write down what you want to write…

Write down how angry and upset you are…

Get it all out.

Get it all out until you don’t feel the urge to contact them anymore.

Unfollow Your Ex On Facebook

Notice how I said “unfollow” and not “unfriend”

Believe it or not there is a difference between the two.



Basically by unfollowing your ex they won’t show up in your feed anymore. Now, if you want more details on why I recommend not to fully unfriend your ex then I recommend going here.

So, that’s going to do it for my epic guide on the no contact rule?

What do you think?

Are you confused about anything?

Do you need help with anything?

We would love to hear from you in the comments below!

6,590 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

  1. Avatar


    January 11, 2020 at 2:49 pm

    Question: dated 4 months, broke up right before holidays because he said he thought he should be in love already, we get back together a week later, holidays pass and a week ago he tells me the same. he is still very scarred from a past relationship. we had things planned through the summer to do together.
    I started no contact that evening, after messaging to make sure a bracelet and watch were not at his place. He has no social media except linked in, and peruses Twitter (no account) and we really have no mutual friends, I plan to utilize the 30 day no contact rule but how do I get him to notice me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 17, 2020 at 7:53 pm

      Working the Ungettable girl information into your life, where you work on yourself showing through social media how much you are doing for yourself and the amazing times you are having and he is going to end up feeling like he has missed out on some interesting experiences because he left

  2. Avatar


    January 10, 2020 at 10:13 pm

    My ex owes me some money. It’s not super important to me that I get it back before no contact is over, but would it be best if I asked for it now so I can keep things positive after no contact? It’s been about a week of no contact so far.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 13, 2020 at 11:44 pm

      Hey Lo, yes getting awkward conversations like that is best before you try to re attract them. So asking your ex for the total and then politely ending the conversation when he has replied continue into your No Contact, do not speak about anything other than the money, polite small talk is not needed.

  3. Avatar


    January 10, 2020 at 12:15 pm

    Hi Shaunna

    Yali here …

    I just saw him on a dating app… I am about to explode … holding it together still through no contact after his email a few days ago which I shared with you … but now? I feel like his words are worthless and that him being on a dating app means he’s already so over me and there’s no chance in hell he will come back or cares or will reach out… I’m lost and confused and hurt .,, what can I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 13, 2020 at 11:50 pm

      Hey Yali, him being on an app doesnt prove anything he is doing it more than anything to distract himself, besides you are using the app for a similar reason right? There is nothing you can do about it, if he wants to date or chat he is allowed to as he is single. Keep to your NC and follow the program

  4. Avatar


    January 7, 2020 at 2:19 pm

    Hi Shauna
    Yali here again 🙂
    So, my ex just sent me an email. He wrote that he thinks I’m amazing, that he never had a woman live and care for him as I did, and that he hated himself for the way he treated me. But, that is is stronger than him and he simply can’t contain my goodness and the good things I brought into his life. He went on and said that he was used to women being mean to him and maybe that’s what he needs … (??)
    Then he said that he Loved me and still loves me , and Thinks of me every day and his heart aches. Then said that he thinks of the good times and reminded me of some of them… ended the letter with “I will never forget you, you’re the best woman I ever met”….

    I don’t know what this means , and I don’t know what to do! I started no contact last Wednesday after he refused to talk face to face….
    please help me …
    Thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 7, 2020 at 11:08 pm

      Keep to your No Contact, this is him trying to get rid of his guilt for the situation. So ignoring this email is best anyway as what he expects is for you to reply saying “oh its okay” NO, let him have tough time with his thoughts and emotions that is how he is going to learn to actually appreciate you and start to miss you for the good qualities he will start to focus on and the positive memories

  5. Avatar


    January 5, 2020 at 9:24 pm

    Hi Shaunna
    Thank you for replying. Is it possible for you to give me more insight to me story? I understand that I need to become the ungettable girl to him etc. however – my ex is not at all active on social media He doesn’t even have a fb account … therefore that is for sure not going to be the way to get him to notice me …
    Would really appreciate advice here as to what to do next. Obviously like you said I understand the does not want to be with me NOW – which is why I came to you for advice in the first place 🙂

    Thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 5, 2020 at 11:00 pm

      Hi Yali so if he is not on social media, do you have mutual friends who would be likely to see him and you have them on social media? Time is the key in this where you allow No Contact to do it’s work and you are prepared to reach out with your first few texts in 30 days time. So read about the texting phase in this program while you’re in No Contact so that you are prepared for all possible responses from your ex

  6. Avatar


    January 3, 2020 at 10:56 am

    Hi Chris ,

    My boyfriend just broke up with me a week ago. It was not a good breakup. We have been together for a little over a year. For the past couple of months we have been struggling and having many arguments and fighting. He is divorced with one child. He is 40 I’m 36. Throughout the relationship I was the one who would usually initiate contact or get together, he is very passive and would always joke and say “you’re the dominant person in this relationship”…
    We were doing amazing until a couple of months ago. I never thought he would be the one to initiate the break up, but he did. He was cold and nasty during the conversation, and it came after a stupid fight we had … I was begging and pleading for a few days but he went silent on me for a week. After that I asked him to talk, we met up he said it’s over and that was that (only gave me 45 minutes because he is emotionally incapable of dealing with these situations). I needed more closure, so i asked to end the conversation on a positive note and meet up again , which he said we would … we then texted a day later he promised we would meet the next evening but never reached out.
    I am disappointed and hurt and feel like my heart has been torn apart … moreover I feel like he completely disregarded me and doesn’t seem to care about me at all… he is a bit of a narcissistic so that is something important to consider while trying to understand our story …
    He really damaged me. I feel like he is emotionally abusing me , and there is nothing I can say or do to make him realize how big of a mistake this is … he always said that he would never leave me and that I was his best friend, his rock etc… so I’m not sure what made him completely change his mind. It’s like I don’t matter at all! Why does it seem like he has easily moved on, without even caring or wanting to be there with each other ? I miss him. I miss our good times. And all I really want is for him to show some sort of emotion, or care towards me. I need him to see me. I need to know he cares.
    I feel that no contact wouldn’t really make him contact me because normally he was not good at contacting … what do you suggest? Help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 5, 2020 at 12:31 am

      Hey there, so no contact is not about making him reach out to you, its about giving the situation space time to calm and you time to cultivate an image of yourself that your ex does not see you as right now. At this point in time they do not want to be with you, but if you work on yourself and become the ungettable girl. Your ex is going to see this through social media and then start to question if they really knew you.

  7. Avatar


    December 25, 2019 at 11:11 am

    My ex and I separated 4 weeks ago.
    Things were going well and we were together almost 6 months. He has severe trust issues from 2 previous relationships. The last time I saw him he was convinced I was looking at another man while were out together. I most certainly didn’t. He txt me later that day saying he was upset with me for flirting. I tried talking with him about it and then he blocked my phone number. I have since messaged him on messenger and got no reply. I haven’t technically tried no contact. I tried calling yesterday as it was his birthday and noticed I was unblocked so I left a happy birthday message. He called me back to my surprise. I wished him a happy birthday and we spoke briefly, but I was out and couldn’t really talk. I tried calling back today and I’m blocked again. I stupidly messaged again and now I’m regretting it.
    What should I do? Is it too late to try no contact? I really like him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 29, 2019 at 7:01 pm

      Hi Tina, so you need to actually start your no contact and not reach out to him at all. Ideally you would have not reached out on his birthday so that he would wonder why you didnt call him. If he is insecure the only thing you need to remember is not to try and make him jealous through social media seeing you with other guys. You need to just work on yourself and spend time with friends while you are trying to get him back.

  8. Avatar


    December 21, 2019 at 8:31 am

    I need some advice
    We broke up we are in a long distance relationship.he initiate the break up it is because he wants me to grow.. I beg to fix our relationship but he refuse he said that he doesnt love me but its so confusing.. Everytime I asked him if he really want to end the relationship he doesnt answer directly. He s so angry and I dont know what his point he keep pushing me away. He keep telling he dont want to see me anaymore (weve never see each other) our relationship is 1 yr and 3 months. We decided to see each other this february but we broke up.. Is NC is the right thiNg to do? Im thinking about meeting him nxt year february to talk it personally

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 21, 2019 at 11:08 pm

      Hi Hanie yes no contact is the right thing to do

  9. Avatar

    Lily Mate

    December 16, 2019 at 4:20 am

    Hello! I really need your help. My boyfriend for 4 years broke up with me. We argued about something, then we didn’t talk or see each other for a week. Then i called him and said he wanted some space and gave him that. After some time, we talked and agreed to take care of ourselves muna. He said that asking for space doesn’t mean na he doesn’t love me anymore, he loves me he said but he just needs this time alone. He even said that he’ll come back and court me again. He said that he loves me so much but we just need to settle independently. 2 days after we talked, i checked his instagram saw that our pictures were gone, he said that the pictures will still be back, until i become a drama queen and he started to be irritated. When i ask again if he still loves me, he said, “i don’t know”. Until that “i don’t know” became “i feel nothing”. Should i implement the no contact rule? Will he miss me? Because i can feel his hatred and anger towards me. He’s so cold when i talked to him. Does he really don’t love me anymore?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 19, 2019 at 9:48 pm

      Hi Lily if you feel that he is angry with you then you most definitely need to go into a no contact and work on yourself for a minimum of 30 days

  10. Avatar


    December 13, 2019 at 11:51 am

    Hi Chris and Shaunna!

    I broke up with my boyfriend after 1,5 years of dating long distance. I was an exchange student and we met during that time, and a month before I left we started dating. We were very happy in our relationship and have shared so many good times. We have visited each other about every three months and during the times we have been away from each other we facetime regurarly and text everyday. We fight quite a bit though, and for about a year all these fights have been about me feeling like he does not give me as much as i give him. I text him and call him way more than he does, I give him more thoughtful gifts, shares things that makes me think of him, has given him “open when” letters that i spent months making, sends him videos, memes, articles and pictures. He replies to all of this and is sweet always, but he just doesnt give anything back. I express my love way more, and this has been an issue for so long, I have tried to make him do these things for me, I have given him examples of what to do, sent him articles with advice on how to express love, we have figured out our love languages and I have begged him to just buy me flowers. But he wont. Even though he says he wishes he could and that he loves me very much. So I gave up, I broke up with him, even though all I want is to be with him, I just cant be the only one to show love. And i have said and tried everything. When we were talking about breaking up it was practically me begging him to beg me to stay. Now I told him that we shouldnt talk until a week or two before I have a booked trip to come out there and we will see how things are then. Its two months away today. So we are doing the no contact rule, the problem is that he is too so he probably wont contact me. How do I make him miss me and want to do everything to get me back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 10:17 pm

      Hi there, so starting with no contact and allowing there to be some time to miss each other and allow that space to take the time to cultivate a different image to your ex

  11. Avatar


    December 13, 2019 at 6:19 am

    Hey there! Sorry this will be a long post but I could really use some help now please please bear with me!

    I have been seeing this guy for 2 years on and off, he said he doesn’t want a serious relationship about 2 months in cause I was quite intense with expectations

    We still remained exclusive just never put a title on it, we were still going out doing couple things, we had fights here and there then broke up in December

    We remained contact from December till March and all of the sudden he blocked me in March after dropping off my stuff at the gate. I figured he started seeing other people.

    I sticked to the 60 NC rule and sent his stuff to his work after with a note says call me

    We then got back into contact and got back together, started getting super close spending every weekend together etc. after 3 months of getting back in contact

    I asked him if we were dating and he said he just loves how things are right now we shouldn’t title it.

    I wasn’t impressed but I thought give it another few months this will change because of how close we were getting (this was only 2 months after we reconnected the exclusive partnership officially)

    Things started going downhill not even 2 weeks after i asked him the above, when he found out I still have an active dating profile, he said we were getting too close and things like this started hurting him this isn’t what he needs in life. We agreed on taking a step back I know he also got a dating profile. We stopped hanging out over weekends he was keep saying he s busy or tired. In 2 month we only saw each other 3 times he was keep on canceling plans.

    He was gonna come see me on Wednesday last week and canceled last minute, I had a few words with him. We then only spoke on Saturday I asked to see him.

    He said he doesn’t know what to do to make it work, we ve tried everything but he just really doesn’t want a relationship with me. if opportunity comes he will still go for other people so he doesn’t want me to wait for him. He said he is talking to someone and see where it goes.

    Christmas is around the corner then immediately is his birthday. Do I follow the no contact rule again? Last time was 2 whole months and this time I don’t even know if it can work again. Help!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 10:01 pm

      Hi Tonia, so you need to follow the no contact again but you do not need to go over 30 days and when that is over you need to reach out with a text that is going to get him interested in talking to you like Chris suggests. Not mentioning the past or the relationship. Also making sure that the conversation is short, friendly, positive and you end the conversation first not him

  12. Avatar


    December 11, 2019 at 5:07 am

    This is a refreshing information for us who are doing NC… but i have a concern regarding my situation. I am on 12th day NC (yep, i kinda attempted reconciling and pleading before i decided NC after a break up a month ago)
    I just learned my ex is even angrier at me cause my mom secretly contacted him to ask what caused our break up. Worse, she told him he only added to my problems in life for breaking up with me. She did this like a week ago without my knowledge and i just learned about it the other night through a friend whom my ex recently talked to. My question is, should i reach him to apologize for what my mom did? Thank you so much for your reply 🙂

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 14, 2019 at 11:28 pm

      Hey there, do not reach out to him regarding this stick with your no contact and do not reach out. Also avoid talking to friends about him too just so that you are not getting information back to him that you are talking about him. Tell your friends how amazing you are doing, do fun things with them show you are happy and doing well. Let that information get back to him

  13. Avatar


    December 8, 2019 at 11:18 pm

    Hi so me and my ex Dated for almost 2 years (we are both 18) and have been broken up for a month and I’ve begged for him back a lot, we’ve had casual conversations, and I’ve slept with him twice. He says he still wants to be friends because he says it’s hard to let go, but he broke up with me because he doesn’t want to commit, he got bored, and he wants to be intimate with other girls to face his fears with social anxiety. He cheated on me with a girl he knew for one week and he said he liked the rush, but the girl dumped him and now he feels like a loser and says he wants to work on himself first and that he might get back with me or not. I told him that I will only be around if he wants to build up on the relationship but he said he’s not gonna change his mind. I just want to know if the no contact rule will work on him or not. Is it too late?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 9, 2019 at 5:58 pm

      Hi Samantha, so as much as I know you want him back you need to make it very clear you are not willing to sit on the sidelines waiting for him to decide if he wants you or not! No Contact him, and make sure you are being social with your friends and having fun. Do not answer any messages from him or try to make him feel better while he is feeling like a loser. He needs to work on himself which is far, but his excuse of wanting to be with other girls because of his social anxiety is B.S!

      You need to casually go on dates and I do suggest widening your circle so that you are meeting with other guys who are not mutual friends or from your school/area. You need to date casually so that you can see how different guys treat you! As the way he is treating you is immature, selfish and disrespectful.

  14. Avatar


    December 8, 2019 at 8:09 pm

    Hi Chris!

    Thank you for the advice. But I am not sure if this will work in my situation because it’s kind of complicated. We broke up 3 months ago on good terms. We both loved each other at the time. We were friends after breaking up and we continued to talk. I became very depressed and would often call and text him. He became worried about me and was willing to talk to me for a while. But soon, he started to get annoyed and started to push me away. I stopped calling him since then. We’d still talk on a regular basis because it was inevitable for us to not see each other but we grew distant. About a week ago, he told me that he has a new thing with another girl. And he told me that he no longer loved me anymore because I changed into a completely different person. I was a confident and independent person but turned into a sad and depressed person after breaking up. I took this criticism and decided to change myself because I realized that he was right. It’s been a week since I stopped texting, calling, or initiating a conversation with him. And it’s been a week since I started showing my positive self again. I put on a healthy mindset and ever since then I’ve been enjoying life. But this occurred after 3 months of breaking up and he already moved on to a new girl. I want him to come back to me because I still love him. Will these strategies work even in my circumstances?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 8, 2019 at 11:27 pm

      Hi Emily, so you have got the right idea, however one week is not long enough to prove changes you need to stick to it for 30 days where you show how you’re happy and living your life through posts on social media but doing a no contact of 45 days to your ex as you need to let him and the new person pass the honeymoon phase and gives you enough time to work through the depression emotions you are feeling right now

  15. Avatar


    December 7, 2019 at 10:57 pm

    Hi Chris,
    If my ex blocked me, where is the starting point set?… If I’m not mistaken, this situation is not considered to be of ‘no contact rule’, right?. Without this ’30 or so’ days step, I see it quite impossible to have a chance and also
    to know if he will ever unblock me…

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 8, 2019 at 10:58 pm

      Hi Lucy, exes tend to unblock you eventually, but are you blocked everywhere? If you are only having a soft block then you can reach out using a different method of communication

  16. Avatar


    November 28, 2019 at 7:11 am

    Hi Chris!
    My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. 2 months ago he suddenly told me he wanted to break up by texts, because he was really tired and believed that we’re not compatible. He felt like both of us have been trying too hard in the relationship and recently he thought that it’s not a good idea to continue anymore. He said that he didn’t love me that much now and it’s impossible to improve our relationship. However, I didn’t think we’re incompatible and I was enjoying every moment since we started dating. It’s my first time to know that he’s upset with me. Throughout the months we have never had a fight or so, just a week before he told me he wanted some time to deal with his schoolwork as it’s his final year in college. He insisted the breakup and said he no longer wanna see me again. I begged him for giving us a cooling off period for a month. He agreed but saying that he didn’t want to hurt me again a month later. We stopped communicating for a month, and he started ghosting me after the cooling off period while showing sadness through Instagram. He would respond to a few texts unrelated to the relationship, but not responding any of my questions whether or not he still needs some time to think. I asked his friend last week to see if he knew what my boyfriend was thinking, and my boyfriend texted me and said he didn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore. He also said that he even didn’t want to see me again and begged me not to contact him and his friend anymore. I then agreed with the breakup, apologised, thanked him and wished him all the best. He just replied thank you.
    It’s the 8th day since the official breakup and we didn’t communicate since that. He didn’t even say happy birthday to me a few days ago. I am curious whether the no contact can be worked as we haven’t been talking in the one-month cooling off period, though after that I sent him some long paragraphs. It will be his birthday 30 days after the breakup. I’m no longer emotional to the breakup and ready to talk to him, but seems like he’s not quite ready for it now. What should I do?
    Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 1, 2019 at 9:17 pm

      Hi Ivy, so I think you need to give it some more time (45 days) just because of the length of time you were asking him about how he was feeling about you both and almost begging him to get back with you. You need to give him some real space and silence from you where you do not speak at all, do not reach out to each other. You do not reach out on his birthday either. You need to shock him by not reaching out as he will be surprised you did not wish him a happy birthday. And in that time you need to be doing the work that comes into doing a No Contact, that involves the Holy Trinity and Ungettable Girl all the information is on this website so make sure you are reading all the information to help yourself become the best version of you

  17. Avatar


    November 27, 2019 at 6:43 pm

    I started dating a guy, things were going really well except occasionally he wouldn’t respond to my texts for hours or sometimes half a day. One night I got drunk and got in my feelings and told him all the things he did that I didn’t like. I came off super needy and insecure. But I wanted to let him know how I was feeling and show my vulnerable side. I think I just screwed up because I was drunk and a turn off to him. The next morning we had plans to see each other but he didn’t answer my phone calls or any of my texts. That day I was super sad and stayed in bed all day calling and texting him. I ended up sending him a message thanking him for being a motivating force helping me leave the previous toxic relationship I was in with a heart emoji. He finally text me back that eve so o called him and we spoke. It was an awkward conversation but he mentioned us going out/hanging out again and for me to text him. Three days have gone by and neither one of us have reached out. I broke down this morning and called him and he didn’t answer. I need advice! I miss him! It’s only been maybe two months but I was totally smitten. He lives super close to my job and I actually think he’s considering moving into the same building that I work out of. Help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 30, 2019 at 10:56 pm

      Hey Nelly so you need to reign it in a little where you are coming off as desperate and “full on” as its only been two months you are still so new and you need to show him you are not going to throw yourself at him. Coming out of a toxic relationship is going to be hard and emotionally you are going to be craving the good feelings someone new is going to give you. But the more reserved you are and the more chance you give him to come to you (allowing him to chase you) the better the outcome. If he moves into your building then it does mean you may see him more but, you need to appear professional and not behave like this when you are working.

  18. Avatar


    November 24, 2019 at 12:12 am

    Thank you for the reply. Just a follow-up question….
    What to do, when 30 or 45 og even longer time has passed, and even though all you want is to get back together, but not quite yet? What I`m asking is; what to do if you`re not ready to reach out, even though the period of NC is basically over, he hasn`t reached out and you know you “should” (you just, still, aren`t ready emotionally/not strong enough yet)….? What then…? I`ve heard stories about expanded NC, and still working for the good…

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 12:19 am

      You can extend NC but do not pass the 66 day mark if you can help it

  19. Avatar


    November 18, 2019 at 5:47 pm

    Hey, it`s been 4 weeks since we broke up. He was the one initiating the break up, but cried his heart out when doing so, telling me he was hoping we would reconnect in the future.
    But time passes, I started NC at once, never broke it, have even stayed away and aware of places we`d might see eachother, so I haven`t even seen him. (We live close to eachother).
    I`m SO curios of what he might be thinking/feeling.
    What if he just doesn`t contact me again? Maybe he just wont reach out?
    I really don`t want to be the one reaching out to him….is that a bad thing? Do I have to?
    I hope he`ll reach out, but I think he feels embarrased and guilty beacuse of breaking up with be (he couldn`t have done it at a worse period of time in my life….Going through a crisis, and he breaks up as well??! Idiot ;))
    What to do if he doesn`t reach out?Is it all over, then….? I know he still loves me (dating 2 years).

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 1:19 pm

      Hi Linn, so well done you on completing the No Contact and consciously avoiding seeing him around. Now the fact you want him back and he isnt reaching out to you, it is your change to reach out to him. Even though you dont want to be the one to reach out first this can be a simple text to break the ice in starting a conversation again and opening up the window to re attract him. IF you do not reach out then he may be waiting for you to do the same. The process follows a system that means you have control through out the steps so that you are prepared for each stage. Read up on what Chris suggests as a first text after NC is completed and tailor it to your ex. Good Luck

  20. Avatar


    October 26, 2019 at 4:06 pm

    Hi guys, It’s been 1 week since we stopped talking each other. We had a lot of fights and arguments (I’m the one who picked fights all the time) because he was texting and seeing me less and less, I was the one initiate contacts all the time and was tired of it. I didn’t feel loved, wanted or appreciated. He was still affectionate when he came to see me but I wanted him to text and make time for me more like he used to but he didn’t even I’ve told him many times to do so. His behavior killed me slowly. Finally It reached my limits, and I was breaking up with him on the phone and could tell he somehow didn’t want to break up but I kept saying we’re done because you never change, never make time for me, I’ll find someone nice etc.. and he said ok and hang up the phone. Right after he hang up, I called, messaged, WhatsApp him many times but he totally ignored me since then. I stopped all the contact since the day we broke up. I haven’t hear from him at all since this call.
    Honestly I didn’t wanna break up with him but didn’t know what to do. I was stupid to break up with him to change his mind and behavior towards me but failed. Maybe he was ok with losing me and he was mad at me and didn’t wanna talk or see me anymore.

    This is not first time we became like this and he broke up with me last time and I did NC and he messaged me on day6 but I’m the one who breaking up with him this time.. I’m doing NC since then and didn’t wanna contact him myself because I want him to treat me like he used to and I don’t want same things to happen anymore.
    But I don’t know whether I should stick to NC or not even I was the one who breaking up but he ignore me since then and I want him to chase me again..I’ve been crying and regret what I did and said to him…

    sorry for my English and appreciate if you could advice me

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 27, 2019 at 7:31 pm

      Hi Erica, it is needed to do a No Contact because you need some space from the negative feelings you’ve both got going on right now you can rebuild your connection with him and work up the value chain to get to a point where you’re dating again

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