The No Contact Rule

Will the No Contact Rule Work for You?

A few months ago I conducted an independent study where I took all the people who I had helped with getting their exes back and dissected exactly what they did to actually succeed.

I wanted to see if I could locate any trends and ultimately fine tune my advice to make this website better.

Of course, this study proved to be a bit challenging due to the fact that I hadn’t kept any notes on any of the success stories that I had a hand in.

So, as you can imagine, I found it to be difficult to get the level of detail that I was hoping for.

However, after it was all said and done I did end up finding one trend.

“Without a doubt the no contact rule is essential to getting an ex back.”

My research indicated that it was present in exactly 74% of the successes. Meaning that if you have your mind set on getting your ex back then you had better adopt the no contact rule strategy as soon as possible. Of course, this revelation got me thinking.

My page on “the no contact rule” on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is very outdated. Hell, I think it is several years old and if you know anything about me then you would know that I strive to write the best content in the world when it comes to exes.

And having such an essential page be outdated is not good.

So, I decided to revamp it.

I want to turn this tiny little 3,000 word page into a massive 10,000 word one. In other words, when I am through with this page there will literally be nothing out there that can bring the level of clarity that I can bring when it comes to the no contact rule.

Now, I realize that may sound a little arrogant but I prefer to say it’s confidence.

But that’s enough of this build up.

Let’s talk about the no contact rule!

I Am Going To Coach You… For FREE!

And that’s where I come in!

Secret 4 Step Training

What if I were to tell you that I have put together an “On Demand Coaching Class” where I am going to coach you for free?

All you need to do if you want to join my FREE coaching class is click the green button below,

Yes, I Want You To Coach MeSign Up For Free On Demand Coaching

I thought would be kind of cool to show you some of the actual results women have gotten through my “On Demand Coaching,”

Oh, and if you were wondering “Jennifer Christina” is my wife 😉 .

This is another Facebook testimonial from someone who is on the Private Facebook Group.

I’ve got about 300 more Facebook testimonials just like this.

If you are interested in joining my Free On Demand Coaching please click the link below,

Sign Up For My Free On Demand Coaching

May 1, 2017

1 - The Puzzle Analogy

If you are familiar with my work on Ex Boyfriend Recovery then you would know that I often like to compare getting an ex back to a puzzle.

It just so happens that the no contact rule is the largest piece of that puzzle.

Hell, it’s a large enough piece that it warrants it’s own book, The No Contact Rule Book.

More on that in a second. For now I just want you to take a look at the graphic below.

What do you see?

puzzle-graphic
It’s a puzzle that is divided into two sections.

The top section

&

The bottom section

Now, let’s pretend that the top section of the puzzle is considered to be “the no contact rule” and the bottom part of the puzzle is considered to be the rest of the “ex recovery” strategy that I teach on this site.

puzzle-graphic-2

And in order to successfully get your ex back you need to merge the two puzzle pieces.

In other words, you can’t just rely on one side of the puzzle to do the work for you. I have noticed that over the years that people who come to this site always seem to be under the impression that all they need to do to win their ex back is implement the no contact rule.

That’s not true.

Yes, the no contact rule may, without a doubt, be the most important aspect of ex recovery but it isn’t going to get you over the finish line alone.

Why would I tell you this?

I want you to manage your expectations going in to reading this article. I want you to understand that there is still more work after this.

Now, I also don’t want to give off the impression that the no contact rule is easy.

It’s not.

There is a reason that the largest book that we have here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery is,

“The No Contact Rule Book”

But perhaps I should stop rambling and start explaining.

2 - What Is The No Contact Rule?

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

I enjoy making things as simple as possible for people and that’s what I am going to do here.

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

Now, I said I was going to make this as easy as possible for you to understand so let’s break this definition down piece by piece.

Let’s start with this part,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

There is nothing too out of the ordinary here.

Cutting off all communication means that you don’t talk to your ex at all in any way shape or form.

Well… this isn’t exactly true all the time (as I will teach you later) but for now just roll with it.

If your ex texts you, you ignore them.

If they call you… Yup, you ignore them.

Ignore..

Ignore…

IGNORE….

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

Ok, the next part of our definition is,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

One of the most popular questions that I get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is,

“Chris, how long should my no contact rule last for?”

It’s a good question because it depends wholly on your situation. You see, I used to claim that everyone should stick to a very basic 30 day rule. In other words, if you were going to try the no contact rule you should ignore your ex for a month.

But experience has taught me that this isn’t always the best practice.

For some situations 30 days may be too long and for others it may not be long enough.

That’s why you will see me recommending three different time frames when it comes to the no contact rule,

  1. The 21 Day Rule
  2. The 30 Day Rule
  3. The 45 Day Rule

Now, each of these rules have a different purpose.

So, what I would like to do now is help you determine which of these time frames is ideal for you.

(Side Note: There are pros and cons to each of these rules. So, consider everything before you pick one.)

The 21 Day Rule

The 21 day rule is the shortest rule that I am willing to recommend here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. It’s perfect for those situations where you think your ex is going to freak out if you ignore them.

Let me give you an example.

Imagine that you were to use the no contact rule on your ex and you got a string of text messages that looked like this,

txt-1

I have found that it’s counter productive to continue ignoring an ex for too long when you are getting the type of messages you want to be seeing from them.

But that leads us to an interesting question.

What if you aren’t getting the type of responses you want to see from an ex?

What if they freak out but not in a good way?

text-2

Well, then the 21 day rule isn’t going to be ideal.

Instead, you may want to look into the 30 or 45 day rule.

Speaking of the 30 day rule…

The 30 Day Rule

The 30 day no contact rule is what I like to call the basic no contact rule.

In other words, it should be your ideal starting point.

Take a look at the graphic I put together for you below,

starting-point

This graphic is meant to represent what I want every person who does the no contact rule to do.

I want them to start off by doing a 30 day rule and then based on how their ex reacts to the no contact rule I want them to adapt.

So, let’s say that you are doing the no contact rule on your ex and you receive the positive messages that you received above with the 21 day rule,

txt-1

But this doesn’t just happen once.

No, this is the third time something like this has started to happen.

Well, in that case then you probably want to move your 30 day rule to a 21 day rule,

starting-point-copy

Of course, the opposite is true if you receive negative text messages.

If that ends up happening then you probably want to turn your 30 day rule into a 45 day rule,

starting-point-copy-2

Let’s move on and talk a little more in-depth about the 45 day no contact rule.

The 45 Day Rule

45 days is the longest I am willing to recommend for a no contact rule.

I know that may shock some of you who are familiar with what other experts recommend but there is a reason for why I don’t think a no contact period should ever last longer than 45 days.

On average how long do you think it takes a human being to break a habit?

According to research, 66 days.

So technically speaking it may only take your ex 66 days to get out of the habit of thinking about you. Now, can you imagine if you flat out ignored your ex for 90 days and then all of a sudden out of the blue you texted them.

Wouldn’t that be weird?

They may already be over you and you may not even have a chance at getting them back.

But lets move on from talking about time frames for a second and keep defining the no contact rule,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery,

Hmm… I think this one deserves it’s own section to be honest with you.

3 - The Two Pronged Strategy

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

The way I teach the no contact rule versus the way other experts out there teach it is a little different.

Take a look at the graphic below,

two-prongs

This is how I teach the no contact rule.

You see, the no contact rule gives everyone who uses it an opportunity to implement a two pronged strategy.

  • Prong One = Making An Ex Miss You
  • Prong Two = Facilitates Recovery

Lets talk about each of the prongs for a bit first.

Prong One (Making An Ex Miss You)

If you were to ask any person what their ideal outcome would be if they were to use the no contact rule it would be that their ex goes so crazy over being ignored that they want to get back together as soon as possible.

In other words, their ex would exhibit the behavior of someone who misses a lover.

And I am not going to lie, the no contact rule does do this.

This is one of the BIGGEST assets of implementing the no contact rule.

However, it’s rare for an ex to ask you to get back together so I wouldn’t really bank on it. What I will say is that the no contact rule can drastically increase the chances of making an ex miss you and their is scientific proof backing this up.

Have you ever heard of psychological reactance?

No?

“Psychological Reactance is defined as a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioral freedoms. Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or her choices or limiting the range of alternatives.”

Now, that may have been a lot to swallow if you weren’t a psychology major so allow me to break it down.

Psychological reactance assumes that there are a set number of freedoms that a person has. However, when one of those freedoms is taken away the person will react to it. Usually in a way where they try to reobtain that freedom.

So, let’s look at what’s happening here.

By ignoring your ex you are denying them certain freedoms (the freedom to talk to you.) So, according to psychological reactance they are going to react in a way to try to try to get that freedom back.

Think of it like this.

Let’s say I offer my daughter a cookie and she accepts it.

A simple premise, right?

Let’s shake things up.

Now let’s say that I offer my daughter a cookie and right when she reaches for it I end up taking it away and placing it on a nearby table.

(I am definitely a horrible parent 🙁 .)

What do you think she is going to do?

Well, she understands on a basic level that her freedom to have that cookie has just been taken away and she is going to do everything in her power to get it.

That’s psychological reactance at work.

Her freedom to have the cookie was just taken away and as a result she behaved in a way to get it back.

Prong Two (Facilitating A Recovery)

I am a little appalled of how little people talk about the second prong of the no contact rule.

Why?

Because in my opinion it’s the most powerful aspect of NC.

Think about it, in the end all you can do is influence your ex to feel a certain way. Truthfully, you don’t have any control over what they think or the actions they take.

However, when it comes to prong two you have complete control because prong two focuses heavily on you.

Think of it this way,

facilitate-recovery

By facilitating a recovery you are going to become more confident in yourself. As you grow more confident in yourself you are going to appear more attractive towards the people around you.

That includes your ex.

Such was the case for Natalie, the woman featured in episode of three of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast (https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/episode3/). You see, she ended up moving on a facilitated a recovery.

The result = Her ex ended up contacting her and hitting on her.

But this begs an interesting question.

How do you facilitate a recovery?

Well, you want to utilize what I call “The Holy Trinity.”

4 - The Holy Trinity

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

It’s actually three things.

Health, wealth and relationships.

I’ll tell you what. I am going to go put together a report for you explaining this.

One sec….

Ok, here you go,

(Holy Trinity)

This book will explain the basics of “The Holy Trinity.”

In a nutshell, you can divide the most important aspects of your life into these three categories.

Well, during the no contact rule you want to only be doing things that positively impact these three aspects of your life.

I talk about this briefly in the holy trinity report.

But here’s something I don’t talk about in the report.

The three aspects of the holy trinity are interconnected. What affects one aspect will end up affecting the other aspects.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say that you lose your job. Thus, your “wealth” category is negatively impacted,

negative-wealth

Common sense, right?

But as a result of losing your job you become very depressed and your “mental health” becomes impacted,

negative-health

With your “mental health” compromised you begin to take your frustrations out on your significant other and as a result they break up with you,

negative-relationships

All in all, everything gets impacted negatively. It’s like quicksand. One bad thing happens and everything gets pulled down with it. However, if we are going to buy into this theory of everything being connected that also means that when something positive happens to one of the aspects everything else gets impacted as well in a positive way.

For example, let’s say that you start working out and look the best you have ever looked before,

positive-health

As a result you gain more confidence and end up doing great in a job interview and get a new job,

positive-wealth

With more confidence and a great new job word gets around and eventually reaches your ex who looks at you in a whole new light,

positive-relationships

What impacts one aspect of the holy trinity will impact the others in some way, shape or form. Remember this as you aim to facilitate your recovery. Now, I am going to talk a lot about the holy trinity when I talk about the “no contact rule” calendar later.

For now, let’s move on and talk about the other aspect of facilitating a recovery.

Facilitating A Recovery Within Your Ex

I have a simple question for you.

Do you think you will have a better chance of getting your ex back if they are angry at you or if they are a little calmer?

Calmer, right?

Well, the other great thing about facilitating your own recovery from the breakup is that it gives your ex a chance to facilitate their own recovery from the breakup.

Why do you want them to recover from the breakup?

Well, because it’s going to allow them to be more rational for when the time finally comes for you to reach out to them.

But we will talk about that later.

Now that you have a good idea of what the no contact rule entails let’s turn our attention to a very common question that we get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery,

“Can I ever break the no contact rule?”

Will the No Contact Rule Work for You?

The one question we get more than any other is Will the No Contact Rule Work For My Situation? I can’t read through and answer each question individually (because I literally get hundreds, sometimes thousands of emails per day), but what I did do is built an awesome calculator that I use myself to determine the impact of the No Contact Rule on almost any situation.

It takes about 4 minutes, and will go through 1) Details About You, 2) Details About Your Ex Boyfriend, and 3) The External Factors Involved in your breakup, and will calculate the actual chances that using the No Contact Rule will be effective in your situation. Kind of like personalized advise from me for free 🙂

Take 5 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Now!

5 - Can You Ever Break The No Contact Rule?

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

This is one of those things that I constantly get asked.

Seriously, I must have been asked this at least 500 times.

Originally I was of the mindset that you shouldn’t ever break the no contact rule. In fact, I think if you go to (this article link) you will notice that I say just that. However, lets say you find yourself in a scenario where you are doing the no contact rule and your ex texts you with something like this,

i-want-you-back

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

Well, according to my earlier advice you wouldn’t be able to.

Do you see the flaw with that type of thinking?

I am all about adapting and updating which is why I no longer think it’s necessary to stay in a no contact rule given the right circumstances.

Now, the keyword there is “right circumstances.”

One of the sad facts that I have learned about the people who visit my website is that if I give them a little bit of leeway they will take advantage of that. In other words, if I sit here and tell you that you can break the no contact rule early an idea gets planted in your head where you may potentially look for any reason to break it early.

Which is why I am very strict about the rules you can utilize to break the no contact rule early.

There are seven factors that you need to look at when determining whether or not you can break the no contact rule early.

Those seven factors are,

  1. How long you were in the relationship with your ex for?
  2. How many days have passed since you started the no contact rule?
  3. How many times have you broken up with this person before?
  4. Where are you in your own personal recovery?
  5. What was the cause of the break up?
  6. Who initiated the break up?
  7. How many positive communications have you received from your ex since starting the no contact rule?

Let’s take each data point and talk a bit about it.

I believe you will be better prepared to make a decision on which “road” to take, if you understand each piece of the puzzle. Only then can you fit them together and see what picture emerges.

You see, there is a synergistic relationship between these 7 data points. They need to be evaluated and considered together as a whole.

Sort like the 3 Musketeers!

(Even though D’Artagnan is never counted.)

You know…one for all and all for one!

Except in this case, we have the 7 Musketeers!

Factor One: How Long Were You In A Relationship With Your Ex For?

This can be a useful data point because if you have been involved with your Ex for a lengthy period of time, then this history between the two of you should give you some valuable insight on how to approach the situation.

If the history reveals a relationship plagued with many conflicts and multiple breakups, then you should take note of this pattern. It is probably telling you something. You may benefit more from staying on course with your No Contact strategy.

Then we have the situation in which the relationship was only weeks or a few months in duration.

Relatively speaking, that is not a very long time to build a solid foundation.

Breaking up after such a short time, suggests that something is not working out for one or both partners. In such a situation, making an exception and ending your No Contact is probably not a good idea.

Maybe things will work out.

Maybe not.

But I would think long and hard before breaking off the No Contact.

Factor Two: How many days have passed since you started the no contact rule?

If you hear from your ex on day 5 of your No Contact Period, it may be too early to make an exception.

While not a “deal breaker”, since all of these data points need to be considered as a whole, you should know that your ex reaching out to you so soon may be more to do with their “rebound emotions”.

You both may need more time to sort things out on your own, before you try to do it together.

Now on the other hand, if your ex reaches out to you on day 26 of your 30 day No Contact Period, I would be inclined to recommend you consider ending “No Contact” and exploring what is on their mind.

Unless, of course, your ex was spewing some nasty venom.

Which leads us to the next factor.

Factor Three: What Is Your Track Record With Your Ex?

If you guys have had multiple breakups in the past, then it probably is not in your best interest to make an exception.

The on again, off again relationship cycle is not healthy.

Where on the other hand, if you guys have been pretty solid in the past, that bodes well for your future.

Maybe you can cut short your No Contact Period on the strength of this factor and other data points.

Factor Four: Where Are You In Your Personal Recovery

Are you truly ready to talk to your ex again?

How much time has gone by since you last spoke?

How far along are you in your No Contact Period?

The more time that has gone by, the better, because it takes TIME to heal.

Have you been able to set aside the angry and resentful feelings you may have had following the breakup?

Do you feel you have progressed emotionally in other ways?

Are your drawing closer to becoming the best version of yourself?

Can you honestly say you have learned something meaningful about yourself?

These are the kind of things you need to think about. The last thing you want is to try to re-enter your relationship when your wounds have not healed.

Factor Five: What Caused The Breakup

If your ex cheated on you, then I am not an advocate of ending the No Contact Period early. Not unless all of the other Data Points are strongly and positively in place.

When weighing whether an exception should be made, one really needs to put a lot of weight on what caused the breakup.

Ask yourself, how severe and ugly was the ending of the relationship?

The more severe, the longer one should stay with No Contact. Breakups can be damaging and both parties need to time heal.

All breakups are going to hurt, no matter the degree of severity.

But it is usually easier to spring back from breakups if they did not cause considerable spite, anger, and hate.

Factor Six: Who Initiated The Breakup

The forces of “personal power” play a role during and after the relationship.

If you initiated the breakup, you have more personal power, at least on this matter.

But be careful with power.

It can go straight to your head in a matter of speaking, but you may not be thinking with the right side of your brain.

If you are feeling really cocky and confident about this new development of your ex reaching out to you, you may not be in the right place “emotionally” to properly gauge your situation.

Now, if your ex initiated the breakup and is now reaching out, you still need to weigh things carefully. On its surface, it may appear that the balance of personal power has swayed to your favor. Perhaps, your ex realizes they made a mistake.

Just tread carefully. In other words,

You Initiating The Breakup > Your Ex Initiating The Breakup

Factor Seven: How Many Positive Communications Did You Receive?

I saved the best and most important data point, for last! This is why I call it the Golden Factor.

What you should be looking for are multiple positive messages sent by your ex to you. One attempt to communicate, even if it’s made in the most positive way, is usually not enough, particularly if the other data points are not favorable.

When an ex reaches out to you and tells you something really nice and pleasant, that demonstrates good faith. If it is repeated, that shows the person probably really cares. If you receive a few more communications, that demonstrates a persistence.

As long as those messages sent to you have a positive energy, that bodes well for you.

Now if you get bombarded with negative message after negative message, to a point where it seems like your ex is obsessing….well, that is not a good thing.

If that happens, I would suggest you ignore those many obsessive contacts.

Positive contact can come in multiple forms.

It could be text messages. It could be emails. It could be phone messages. It could be old fashioned letters. It could be a message in a bottle. It could be a bouquet of flowers or a gift with a card.

Hell, it can even be on Facebook or Snapchat.

The main thing is that such messages need to number more than one.

They need to be positive, friendly and respectful. And they need to occur within a brief period of time (e.g. over a few days, perhaps over a week).

What if they show up at your door?

Don’t fall for it the first time around. Be nice and tell them you need more time. If this happens a few times and your ex conducted themselves respectfully, well, an exception may be in order.

Remember, I said it may be in order! You need to look at all of the data points and judge whether you wish to end your No Contact Period.
Is there any magic number of data points which have to be met, before you make an Exception?

Yes, and that leads me to my next point.

6 - The Rule Of Four

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

Do you remember above when I mentioned that if I give people too much leeway they will take advantage of it and look for any excuse to break the no contact rule.

Well, that’s what the rule of four is meant for.

There are a total of seven factors that you need to look at if you are considering ending the no contact rule early. Well, what if I told you that you only needed four of those factors to break it.

It’s just that one of those factors has to be the “golden factor,”

The Golden Factor = Receiving Multiple Positive Communications From Your Ex

For example, let’s say that you have checked off every other factor except the golden one.

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

No, the golden factor is essential for breaking no contact early.

But what if you have the golden factor but you don’t get any of the other factors?

Can you break no contact?

No, obtaining three other factors is just as essential as obtaining the golden factor.

That’s the rule of four.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

7 - Situations That Make You Alter The No Contact Rule

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

This is where things tend to get a bit more complicated. You see, in addition to understanding the rules for breaking the no contact rule early (which I am just going to tell you upfront is very rare) you will also need to understand that there are going to be certain situations that you may find yourself that will require you to alter the no contact rule.

Now, altering a no contact rule is completely different than breaking it.

What’s the difference?

Altering No Contact = You are still technically under the no contact period you just might be playing with a slightly different set of rules.

 

Breaking No Contact = You should be advancing to the next phase of the strategy to get your ex back.

Now, there are actually a lot of different situations that may make you alter your no contact rule BUT I don’t have the time to list out each and every one of them.

Instead, I thought that it would be best if I just listed out the most common alterations I see people having to make,

  • If Children Are Involved
  • If You Work With Them
  • If You Live With Them
  • If You Go To School With Them
  • If You Unexpectedly Run Into Them
  • The Item Exchange

Now, since this is Ex Boyfriend Recovery and we are committed to creating the best content in the world relating to exes we are going to go above and beyond for you by teaching you the alterations you are going to have to make for each of these situations.

Let’s start from the top.

The Alterations You Need To Make If Children Are Involved

This is always a difficult situation to alter because more often than not if you and your ex share a child you are going to be living together (which we will talk about next.)

So, rather than addressing what to do about the living situation let’s talk about what to do if you decide to use the no contact rule on your ex and they send you something like this,

child-text

Oh, and in case you couldn’t read between the lines “Carter” is your kid.

How do you deal with this?

Ok, here is my rule for when it comes to communicating about kids during no contact.

The Rule: You can break no contact to talk about the kids and that’s it. After you interaction about the kids is over you are going right back into no contact.

Pretty simple, right?

Well, things get a bit more complicated when you take into account that more often than not if you share a child with your ex you are probably living together.

How the hell are you supposed to handle no contact?

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Work With Your Ex

There are two words I want you to get very familiar with.

Strictly Business!

Now, it’s important to remember that the goal here isn’t to p*ss off your ex and that can definitely happen if you work together and completely ignore him. Instead, I don’t want you to initiate any conversations with him. Let him initiate all the conversations and if he does then keep the conversation short and sweet.

The only fly in the ointment, so to speak, is if your have to communicate due to a work related activity.

In that case make sure the scope of the conversation is STRICTLY BUSINESS!

In other words, if you are talking about something business related that is completely fine but if he veers off and starts talking about something “non business related” then I want you to subtly redirect him to talking about business.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Live With Your Ex

I am just going to be blunt with you.

The no contact rule is always going to be more effective if you aren’t living with your ex. That’s just the way it is and anyone who tells you anything differently is lying straight to your face.

BUT the no contact rule can still be effective if you live with the person so don’t go into a depression just yet.

It’s just that it isn’t going to be as effective.

So, what’s the rule regarding living with your ex?

The Rule: If it’s possible move out.

Now, the keyword that you want to look at there is “IF IT’S POSSIBLE.”

If moving out isn’t an option then don’t do it. Don’t worry, I have a specific strategy that you should employ but before I let you in on that I want to put my money where my mouth is.

Meet Jessica,

jessica

Jessica is someone who I personally worked with on Facebook.

I advised her to enter into a 21 day no contact period and also to move out of the house she was staying at with her ex boyfriend.

She did exactly what I said and when it was all said and done she had her ex chasing her and begging for her back. Oh, and he proposed.

This alteration produces results.

But let’s say that you can’t move out. Let’s say it’s not an option.

What do you do then?

Simple, you are going to act as cordial as possible when you do see your ex so they don’t think you are a d*ck but you NEVER want to start a conversation. Hmm…. perhaps this would work better as an example.

Ok, let’s pretend that you are dating me!

(I’m pretty awesome, I know!)

We are living together and you decide you want to utilize the no contact rule.

One day I come home from work (because in this example I am a high powered business man 😉 ) and I look pretty stressed. Every fiber of your being is going to want to ask me a simple question,

“Are you ok?”

Or

“How was your day?”

But you aren’t allowed to.

Why?

Because you are in the midst of a no contact rule.

Now let’s answer one of the most asked questions I get about this situation.

Let’s say that instead of me looking stressed and angry when I come home that particular day I look pretty happy and I even go as far as to ask you how your day was.

What do you do?

Most women make the mistake of thinking that they should ignore their exes at this point.

That’s a mistake because that will just create more animosity between the two of you and that’s the last thing we want. Instead, the best way to handle this situation is to engage me in a conversation but keep it short and sweet.

The idea is not to linger too long.

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Go To School With Your Ex

Out of all the alterations I talk about in this section this is probably the easiest one to grasp.

In fact, the alteration here pretty much boils down to two steps.

Step One: Avoid your ex

Step Two: If it’s impossible to avoid them then keep it short and sweet

So, let’s talk about these steps really quick.

I want you to avoid your ex at school at all costs. Yes, I realize some mumbo jumbo expert out there may disagree with me but believe me when I say that this is for your own good.

Why?

Well, because I have often found that people will look for any conceivable excuse to “bump into their exes.”

But let’s assume you are in a situation where “step one” is impossible.

Let’s say that you are in the exact same class as your ex and it’s pretty much impossible to avoid them. Well, in that case I want you to keep everything short and sweet.

What do I mean by that?

Well, for starters I don’t want you to start any conversations with your ex. However, let’s say that your ex starts a conversation with you (like my example above when you live with an ex.)

Well, keep everything short and sweet.

Engage them but don’t engage them fully.

Be nice but not too nice.

Short and sweet.

That’s the name of the game.

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Unexpectedly Run Into Them

Imagine for a moment that you are walking down the street and all of a sudden you see your ex…

You panic…

You get that deer in the headlights look…

And you pull a “kramer,”

a-kramer

Now, do you think that is the proper way to utilize the no contact rule in this situation?

No…

Absolutely not.

Instead, the correct move here is to walk up to your ex, say hi and leave it at that.

Less is more…

Now, before we move on to the final alteration I do have one thing to say. DON’T GO LOOKING TO RUN INTO YOUR EX ON PURPOSE! If you do that and they catch on to what you are doing then without a doubt you are going to appear to be desperate and that is going to have the opposite effect of what you are supposed to do.

Alterations You Need To Make For An Item Exchange

Ah, and here it is…

The ultimate no contact question that I get asked on pretty much a daily basis.

“Chris, am I allowed to break the no contact rule if my ex has items that I want back?”

 

“What about if my ex asks me for their things?”

Ok, let’s tackle the easy one first.

If your ex asks for their things back then you have to give them their stuff back. No if’s, ands or buts about it.Therefore, you are allowed to break the no contact rule but just in this one instance. After the items are exchanged then I want you to go right back into the no contact rule.

How do you handle the interaction when you are exchanging things?

Good question.

Generally you want it to be short and sweet.

This isn’t a time to linger and relive the worst or best parts of your relationship.

Get in, exchange items and get out.

Simple…

Now, lets tackle the more difficult question.

What if your ex has something of yours that you want back. How do you handle that?

Well, the first question I would ask you is how important is it to you?

If we are talking “toothbrush level” type stuff then I think you can live without it and should probably stay in the no contact rule.

But what if it’s something of grave importance to you?

Something like your mothers ashes… Well, then you have my permission to break the no contact rule to get them back.

Fun Fact: Did you ever see the Malcolm in The Middle episode where the babysitter is fighting with her ex over her mothers ashes (I did obviously 😉 .)

8 - The Next Very Important Step

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

Now that you have a pretty good idea of how the no contact rule works I want to move on to the next step.

There is a philosophy that I want you to adopt.

It’s called “Dating Yourself.”

In fact, I did a whole interview with a dating coach named Veronica Grant where she pretty much summed up “dating yourself” better than I ever could,

In case you don’t have the patience to watch the entire interview here is her summarization of “dating yourself,”)

Dating yourself is kind of what it sounds like. Doing things for yourself that you would either want or expect your significant other to do for you. So, it can be things like buying yourself flowers, writing yourself a love note, taking a hot bubble bath, taking yourself out for a drink or for a nice dinner but really the deeper essence of it is making yourself feel how you want to feel on your relationship.

Now, I am absolutely in love with this idea, especially during the no contact rule.

Why?

Well, it kind of serves as a gauntlet for weeding out the people who aren’t serious about getting their exes back and simply want to move on. And that’s a great thing because usually half the battle is finding a way to get on the right path.

So, how does this “gauntlet effect” work?

The Gauntlet Effect

It’s hard to admit (because I was a young buck when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery) but I have been doing this for over half a decade. But most of the people who come to this website want one thing and one thing only,

They want to get their exes back.

And I feel I have certainly catered to those people a lot (Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO anyone?)

But sometimes a person comes to me with a horrifying story that makes me think,

“Hmm… maybe you shouldn’t get back with your ex.”

And being me, I usually verbalize my thoughts without thinking a lot of time.

Now, usually when I tell someone this they are very respectful and often times they agree with me. However, when it comes time for them to take specific actions revolving around getting over their ex they actually do the opposite.

Now, after five years of his happening to me I have finally wised up to what’s going on.

Nothing I say will convince a person otherwise and I have simply decided to let people go through their own process (because sometimes that’s what it takes for them to realize their ex is not the right fit for them.)

Ah, but that’s where “The Gauntlet Effect” comes into play.

By utilizing the “date yourself” philosophy during the no contact rule you are essentially putting yourself in a gauntlet to see if you are still interested in your ex by the end of the no contact rule.

Allow me to explain in more detail.

Let’s pretend that you are doing a 30 day no contact rule and you decide that on top of utilizing the “two prongs” that I talked about above you are going to also utilize the “date yourself” philosophy.

And while you are dating yourself you come to the realization that,

“Hmm… my ex never treated me as good as I am treating myself right now..”

And pretty soon this singular thought evolves into,

“I don’t think I want him back.”

Well, that’s the gauntlet effect in play right there. It essentially helps you determine what you really want going forward. Of course, if you come out the other end of the gauntlet and you still want your ex back then you absolutely positively have my permission to do everything in your power to get him back.

I suggest this is the best place to start

Of course, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves now.

WARNING: Most People Who Try The No Contact Rule End Up Failing It

I think I may have mentioned this before but it never hurts to re-iterate.

The odds aren’t in your favor to successfully make it through the no contact rule. In fact, I would say that the vast majority of people I have met have ultimately ended up failing at the no contact rule.

Now, what does that mean?

Well, usually that means that you decide to do a period of no contact and somewhere during that period you end up contacting your ex.

And it’s easy to understand why.

We live in a digital age where temptation is all around us.

I mean, think about it.

How tempting would it be to check your exes Facebook profile?

What about check and see the last time they logged into WhatsApp?

Of course, it’s my job to ensure that you don’t fail at the no contact rule so here’s what I have decided to do for you. I have put together a list of the very best ways that you can safely remove temptation. In other words, if you do the following things then your chances of successfully completing the no contact rule will drastically increase.

  • Getting A Friend To Hold The Number
  • Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time
  • Keeping A Journal
  • Unfollow On Facebook

Let’s talk a little about each of these initiatives.

Getting A Trusted Friend To Hold Onto Your Exes Number

Now, I am not going to lie to you.

This one is a bit flawed.

But more on that in a second. For now, let’s just grasp what this initiative is.

Essentially the way this works is that you write your exes number down on a piece of paper and then you erase that number from your phone. After that, you take the piece of paper to a trusted friend and tell them not to give it to you until your 21 – 45 days are up.

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“I get it and everything but what’s the flaw?

Well, let’s say that I am the trusted friend who you gave your exes number to. And let’s say that your ex contacts you at some point. It will probably still show up on your phone but just as a number you don’t recognize.

Nevertheless, I have seen this method work for a lot of women who have tried it so it isn’t without it’s merits.

Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time

I am a big fan of this one.

Why?

Well, because IF you do the no contact rule the way that I am recommending you to do it then this is going to happen naturally.

Think about it…

The holy trinity…

Dating yourself…

These are things that are meant to keep you buys and most importantly keep your mind off of your ex which is a HUGE problem we are facing. So, the idea here is that you keep yourself so busy that you don’t even have time to contact your ex.

Now, I realize that it’s unrealistic of me to say,

“Ok, as long as you just make yourself busy you won’t ever have time to contact your ex.”

That’s not true.

If someone is motivated enough they will always find time.

But here is the point I want to hammer home for you.

As long as you couple this strategy with a few others you should be golden.

Keeping A Journal

I have to admit that I can’t take credit for this one. This is the brain child of my wife.

So, the way this works is that you go out and buy a journal. Now, the thing about this journal is that it’s only meant for the no contact rule. In other words, this is your no contact rule journal 😉 .

Ok, lame joke aside you are going to utilize this journal to write down your feelings during the no contact rule.

It’s a way to exercise how you are feeling and also a way to prevent yourself from contacting your ex.

Now, let’s say you are going along down the no contact rule and all of a sudden you get this urge to contact your ex. It’s overwhelming and your fingers are literally on the phone typing in their name.

Well, instead of doing that you are going to pull out your journal and write down how you are feeling.

Write down what you want to write…

Write down how angry and upset you are…

Get it all out.

Get it all out until you don’t feel the urge to contact them anymore.

Unfollow Your Ex On Facebook

Notice how I said “unfollow” and not “unfriend”

Believe it or not there is a difference between the two.

Unfollow:

unfollow

Basically by unfollowing your ex they won’t show up in your feed anymore. Now, if you want more details on why I recommend not to fully unfriend your ex then I recommend going here.

So, that’s going to do it for my epic guide on the no contact rule?

What do you think?

Are you confused about anything?

Do you need help with anything?

We would love to hear from you in the comments below!

Will the No Contact Rule Work for You?

The one question we get more than any other is Will the No Contact Rule Work For My Situation? I can’t read through and answer each question individually (because I literally get hundreds, sometimes thousands of emails per day), but what I did do is built an awesome calculator that I use myself to determine the impact of the No Contact Rule on almost any situation.

It takes about 4 minutes, and will go through 1) Details About You, 2) Details About Your Ex Boyfriend, and 3) The External Factors Involved in your breakup, and will calculate the actual chances that using the No Contact Rule will be effective in your situation. Kind of like personalized advise from me for free 🙂

Take 5 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Now!

What Do You Think? (6,016)

  1. Sara - 0

    Sara

    Hi, amor.
    Well, my boyfriend broke up with me after a six months relationship. The first days I texted him a lot, and I called him some times. I wanted to start the NC but I preffer to told him I needed time(I knew I wouldn’t know what to do if he texted me, I couldn’t ignore him bc I kept being so affected), so he hasn’t texted me in these days, and I haven’t looked for him (13 days of no contact, we are supossed to start taking on 11 days more, my birthday is that day)…Anyways it’s like NC, right? He wants to be friends. I obviusly want to come back with him. I’m not sure about what I should do to get his attention back…After this days, should I text him like normal or just ignore him or…?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      If the past days were not focused in improving yourself and in posting, you should restart the count

  2. Ali - 0

    Ali

    Hello Amor,
    Please, I need your help. I dated my ex for 2 months in the Fall (September- beginning of November), but we knew each other from June 2016. We used to get along with each other very well on emotional level. We both admitted that we have never met anyone who would match so perfectly. Everything was great till one night when we were together and looked at each other and feeling that there is something going on, I mean, we both felt like we are quickly moving towards something bigger and more meaningful in our relationship. After that night he became extremely distant and stopped to reply to my texts for hours/1-2 days. And at work he avoided me. I tried to implement NC rule, but my max was one week, then I texted him to meet or asking what was going on. He said that he was extremely busy and promised to meet but never did, that lasted for one month, till December, when I gave up, became super angry and texted that we break up, (we could not meet even to break up as normal people) he said that he wanted to have with me good time as much as we can but nothing serious. So I said that he is weak if he is afraid of something serious even when he admitted that we should be together and said him not to contact me. Now I know he is commitment phobe, but also I feel like he used me emotionally to boost his self esteem, because he always told how beautiful I am and was extremely jealous at events, work, when any guy approached me, and he is also very handsome man.
    So I decided that it was a game for him, then he is not for me and we both did not text, reach out each for like 6-7 months until we were assigned to work with each other with 5 more people in a team. After the first day, in the evening he texted me and asked me to look at him and talk to him during meetings. I promised to try, he said that very appreciates it, so we continued to chat, but after a few messages I got into situation when I said that still have feelings to him and wish we could work out, he said that he has been dating someone else, but still cares about me and when I said that I’m moving to another city, so we will never meet, he asked where I’m moving I named the city and to my surprise he is already living there and said that then “we will surely meet”. I did not get all these mixed signal, got angry and he said that he wants to be friends, I said, no friendship, because I don’t to be friend zoned. So basically we still work with each other in one team but it’s very awkward because I’m trying to seduce him, but see no reaction from him besides past text when he said that I’m “very beautiful and awesome person”. So after 2 weeks of no contact, last week I texted him that agree to be friends because I really decided to move on, but he did not respond within 2 days, it was weekend, so on Sunday night I deleted him from FB friends list and in the Monday morning got a message that he was sorry for late reply and really happy that I refought the whole thing and want to stay in touch with him from time to time to chat. But I decide not to reply, so basically now I feel that situation in my control, because I did not reply and he doesn’t know what is going on in my head.
    I need advice on the whole situation, does this seems to work out at the end?
    Shall I reply after a week of no response? or text in 45 days?
    What kind of strategy could be implemented to get him back? Nothing works…
    Am I emotional masochist? 🙂 I really felt very good until this team work and managed to stay so close to him.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      check tĥe link below and do atleast 45 daŷs nc:
      EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend

    • Ali - 0

      Ali

      Thanks, I’ve read this article some days ago. However, I decided to move on, he is not the Sun to revolve around him no matter how I like him. 🙂

    • Ali - 0

      Ali

      Thanks, I’ve read this article some days ago. However, I decided to move on, he is not the Sun to revolve around him no matter how much I like him. 🙂

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Ok Ali, that’s good..

  3. Lucy - 0

    Lucy

    When should the NC rule start. My bf broke up with me 1 1/2 months ago, we have spoke over the phone regarding our relationship a week ago. Should it start from that day?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      you need to restart the nc immediately

  4. Elizabeth - 0

    Elizabeth

    Almost 3 months ago, my boyfriend broke up with me after an almost 3 year relationship with no previous breakups. I started the no contact rule, and after 5 weeks or so, we started communicating again, and even met several times. It reached a point where we were being affectionate and loving, and talked about out relationship, though no concrete decisions about our relationship was made. He has suddenly gone cold in the last 2 weeks and claims it to be him being “busy”. I started the no contact rule, is 30 days enough? Should I wait for him to reach out, or should I? And how can I bring it to the point where he makes a decision about the relationship, rather than just him being hot and cold? Thank you

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      after the first nc, how long were you building rapport?

  5. Ra - 0

    Ra

    Hi Amor,

    I am writing after my ex broke up with me a couple days ago, we dated for almost 2 years. He said he couldn’t handle my personality and the repeated cycles anymore. He said that he never saw me put in effort to change things he brought up, but he did try even if it wasn’t the lost successful. He says I hurt him too much and he doesn’t feel I appreciated him during the relationship. Yesterday he took down our pictures on Facebook and I had messaged him asking if we could discuss the root cause of the problems as I have been doing some self reflection, he said he would always be open to talk about the root cause but it doesn’t change how he feels and felt. We talked on the phone for an hour where I apologized for not having addressed his concerns properly and that I am really willing to put my foot down and commit to these changes. He told me it doesn’t matter what I do now and he hopes I can respect his decision. I would also like to add I see him a couple times a week as he helps tutor me for a couple courses, he had offered to continue helping me even after the breakup. I am trying to do limited contact as school is also a priority in my life I decided to accept his offer, I felt there was no reason to not accept help even if it is pity from him, I would rather not lose both the relationship and my marks. I’m not too sure if this is the right decision though if he sees me a couples times a week, he would not miss me then? I do genuinely want to reconcile this relationship but we still communicate over messages about when to meet up for the help sessions. I understand that is breaking the no contact rule, I would like to know what you recommend. Thanks!
    p.s I notice when he sees me he is very unhappy and has never smiled. He acts courteous but looks upset and maybe even annoyed.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      if you only talk about that and not feelings nor the relationship, that’s ok.. as long as you’re active in other activities and be active in posting too

  6. Kiran - 0

    Kiran

    Me and my boyfriend broke up 12 days ago.He said that he needs time to be alone and doesnt want to be in any kind of relationship.He said that it is nothing wrong with you.Yesterday we met because of some issues and first he had that perception and he thought that I was calling him to ask him to get back together whilst the reason was very different.And cleared him and he was happy that I don’t have that on my mind.He said that if I call him anyday he will talk to me noramlly as a friend.Actually,he is a bit depressed about his future and doesnt want to give time on relationship.But,I have been clingy back in times.I asked him for a month gap and he agreed and said we will talk about that later because in 1 month,many things can be changed.But if I will keep on calling then he won’t mind to pick up but this way there is no chance for talking about it.He has politely agreed but he asked me not to keep big hopes because we cannot predict anything right now but as for now he cannot think to be in any relationship.We were together for 5 and half months.He had a strong feelings for me from the beginning.We were in 3 months long distance relationship.We used to fight but immediately make up as well.I am afraid that he will forget me and won’t miss me at all and will not want to get back with me.I don’t want to lose him.I was in no contact before but I broke it thrice.But now I just cannot go back to him.But doubts are making me lose my mind.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      are you going to stick to no contact rule now and do it properly?

  7. Kiran - 0

    Kiran

    Me and my boyfriend broke up 13 days ago.He said that he doesnt want to be in any relationship and he needs time alone.He said that it is completely over for him and he asked me to move on.I decided to NC on him but failed.Yesterday,we met because of some issues and he said we are ending on a good note.When I asked about staying in 1 month gap and see what happens next and he agreed and said for that to happen I have to give him space.Though it is not completely guaranteed because he is a bit depressed about his career.And he doesnt want to focus on a relationship.but still back of his mind,I am a bit desperate.He also said that he doesnt mind talking noramlly and just being friends with me but if this will happen daily then he warned me not to talk about relationship stuffs.We were together for 5 and half months but even before getting in a relationship,he had strong feelings for me.But I didn’t give him his space.though he says his main problem is focusin on a relationship.we had memories and good chemistry together.I am scared if he will forget me and will not try to get back with me.He isnt sad at all about the break up..Infact,he seems very happy.I think he will not miss me at all.Though he said he will talk about relationship after1 month.What should I do?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      are you going to stick to no contact rule now and do it properly?

    • Kiran - 0

      Kiran

      Yes,I am on 4th day of my NC.Though I miss him desperately.I want to improve and going back to him will change nothing and only lessen my chances to get back to him.His main problem is me not giving him his spcae and plus he is depressed these days.But,I want to work on myself and want to work harder to put myself together.My instinct tell me that if I do this properly,I will possibly get him back.I also want to learn to be happy without him.Now,I am being a bit logical and emotionally recovering.Past days,I spent time with my family and went to some few new places.Though he still was on my mind.And I am planning to get in shape from tomorrow as today I am not fine because of my periods.I was a bit chubby before but he wanted me to lose some weight because for my own good and wanted me to be healthy and was proud of me.i am still a bit chubby so I am thinking to lose some weight to be in a proper form and start focusing on my studies and start making some friends.But do you think I have any chances?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      you have to do it for yourself.. not for him.. improve and keep growing for yourself, if you can do that, then yes you have a higher chance. Aim to be the ungettable girl.

  8. Mari - 0

    Mari

    My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago after almost 3 years together. He said he basically didn’t fall head over heels in love with me and that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I have contacted him about our relationship after the break to get closure. If I text about random things he will respond but when I text him about relationship stuff he won’t respond or gets defensive. He said he does want to stay friends with me because he does care about me. I found out he is on an online dating site and I confronted him about it and he says it’s just for distraction and he is not looking for a relationship. A problem I have is we train together and he is my coach, I have been training when he’s not present which has actually been working but I will end up trying with him again, how can I do the NC even when we are around each other, we both have mutual friends so when have get together so we end up seeing each other. I am not over him and I want him back. Any advice would be great.

    Reply
  9. Theresa - 0

    Theresa

    Good Afternoon,
    I thought about purchasing your No Contact Book. My ex and I broke up a long time ago, but he wanted to maintain a friendship (that always resorted into benefits) and I hesitantly agreed. It has been extremely hard due to his up and down feelings. One day he’s admitting how he feels, why we can’t be together (he has a manipulative ex with children involved), the next he’s ignoring me and giving me no contact for 2 months. I don’t give into his ways any longer (for 2-3 years almost now). Almost a month ago (the 17th will be 1 month) I told him that I need some time and space. He is a guilt trip ex. He advised me he wouldn’t contact me until I was ready. I’m fine with this, I need time to get over our break-up, all his lies, broken promises, dealings with his up and down feelings. I want to feel better. I do miss him, but I can’t keep hoping that things will be okay between us when he is this way. (By the way, his birthday falls on the 17th, and I absolutely LOVE what you said about birthdays.) I feel like this situation would be longer than even 45 days to maintain no contact. Are 90 plus day no contacts worth it?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      i think that’s too long but if that’s what your gut tells you, go ahead since you’ve been back and forth with him for a long time now..dont stop improving yourself and doing the new routine you started during nc even after it, while slowly rebuilding rapport with him..

  10. Tina - 0

    Tina

    Hi,
    My boyfriend and I broke up about 4 months ago but we kept talking. We agreed to try and work things out slowly and we met up a few times. But he thought about it and recently just told me he couldn’t do it anymore and we shouldn’t date. We are long distance and he said that was too hard and it cause too many arguments and stress. He said if we hung out or talked it would just be as friends. But he quickly changed his mind. He told me he still cared about me but couldn’t be with me. Should I initiate no contact and if so, for how long?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Yep, you should.. do at least 30 days.

  11. Liz - 0

    Liz

    Hi,
    My boyfriend and I broke up about 4 months ago but we kept talking. We agreed to try and work things out slowly and we met up a few times. But he thought about it and recently just told me he couldn’t do it anymore and we shouldn’t date. We are long distance and he said that was too hard and it cause too many arguments and stress. He said if we hung out or talked it would just be as friends, but then he quickly changed his mind. He told me he still cared about me but couldn’t be with me. Will no contact still work for me and if so should I do longer than 30 days?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Yep, you should.. do at least 30 days.

  12. Maya - 0

    Maya

    We broke up 3 weeks ago. Yesterday when he came to take his remaining things (we are living together for 3yrs and he moved to his mum’s), we had a final conversation. I asked for one last chance and apologized for my part. He said he wasn’t in love anymore and he can’t give this another chance.
    4 years ago when we started our relationship he cheated on me and asked for a chance which I gave to him. Over the years he really tried to work on his mistake, but every time we had a fight that came out of my mouth as a grudge. We were looking for a house to buy together and get married this year. My parents demanded he converts to Islam and her mother, who is a religious Catholic, was hurt and defied this. I tried to solve this situation by a secular marriage but asked if he can pretend to convert when he goes overseas for the reception part. He didn’t say no. This year he was supposed to come meet my family overseas but he didn’t come. He met me for holidays in another country afterwards instead. We fought a lot during that trip and after 2 weeks of coming back to our place, he broke up and left.
    He cried a lot during our last conversation, but he was more than sure that he can’t go back to this as it has become toxic. He mentioned it might have stemmed from me getting hurt from his actions and that he can’t think of getting married anymore. I told him I left my family for this but he was adamant and left.
    What should I do now? Should I stop contacting him? I have to move out now and I am extremely lonely and depressed to even think about it and the economic burden it will cause me. Please help!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Maya,

      if he already moved out, then just stay there.. the place is all yours right? are you going to do the no contact rule?

  13. Shaughna Ainsworth - 0

    Shaughna Ainsworth

    Hello Chris,
    I am in a very complicated relationship because the man that I fell in love with is an alcoholic. I held onto the idea that things were going to work out because he knows he is an alcoholic and he has had two stretches of sobriety in his life (one 7 years and one 11 years), so based on words, I believed he was going to get sober again. With all of this has come very self centered, attention seeking behaviour and so my heart keeps getting hurt. As of right now we are not officially over but we have been several times in the past. We have been together for 1.5 years and I love his intelligence, sense of humour and how he looks. My issue right now is because of his disease he is definitely not treating me how he should be and I think he is feeding other women in order to get his ego fed. I have decided to implement the 21 day no contact because I think this is the amount of time I could truly stick to. Do you have any advice for me? We are both 51 years old and I just want to be happy. I have lost 85lbs over the past 2 years and I am having a tummy tuck, thigh lift and arm lift done on June 16 and I think his more recent behaviour is based on his fear and insecurity around this…but its happening! I have a great job as a high school teacher (wealth) and I am moving forward with my self image (health) so I think I have those parts right.
    Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated!
    Thank you
    Shaughna

    Reply
  14. Love Bug - 0

    Love Bug

    Hi,
    My boyfriend and I have been together now for 3 years we’ve broken up a couple times before.. the most serious being about ten months ago. I did the no contact rule with the help of you guys and got him back about three months after we broke up. We have been good ever since until recently I realised that he’s not texting or calling me as much anymore and he takes very long to reply to my messages even though he’s online (whatsapp) also we don’t go on dates as much either. I had a conversation with him about it yesterday so now I’m just looking for advice on how I should go forward to get the best outcome which would be him not taking me for granted and being complacent (that’s how he was acting the last time we broke up, which he initiated)

    Reply
  15. Amanda - 0

    Amanda

    Hi,

    I was seeing a guy that I really liked for just over 3 months. I found out that he was on an online dating site and when I asked him he said he got scared as he really likes me and was concerned we were getting too serious too quickly. I really like this guy and want to see where things could go because I feel like there was an amazing connection. So after finding this out I asked for space and now am doing the no contact rule. Since he was never my boyfriend will this even work for me? If I choose to do it is 21 days better since we didnt really break anything up I just asked for space. I just think he needs some time to really see what he is missing out on and to miss me. We were hanging out 3 times a week for over 3 months and I even met his friends and family so the fact that he got scared is confusing.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      even if you were in a relationship, it’s not a guarantee that nc will work. It will just increase you chances and yes, I agree that you should just do 21 days.

  16. Charlotte - 0

    Charlotte

    Hi Amor,
    Realizing how desperate and needy I was to my ex, I took a step back to work on my emotions and did not contact him for 10 days, which was the longest period ever since we reconnected about 2 months ago. He did not contact me during those 10 days either.
    Yesterday, I texted him 3 separate times about a funny story I encountered but no response. It’s pretty unlike him, usually he responds right away when I sent a 3rd text (being text gnat had its benefits sometimes :). I don’t know what to do. I am angry at myself for being clingy and emotional again. What should I do next?
    I am wondering if he is mad at me or just doesn’t even care to respond.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      that’s too short.. you should restart it.. do 45 days or at least 30.. and dont stop improving yourself while you’re slowly building rapport.

  17. AZ - 0

    AZ

    My bf and i had a big blow out a few months back and he said he needed space to consider the relationship. I did an accidental NC then for around 3 weeks as my mother was ill, he did not reach out. I texted him then to let him know the situation and he came back as my BF. i realized he did not see the big fight as a break up but i did.

    Anyway, a few weeks later, things did not improve and being emotional, i broke up with him. I do regret being emotional then and i think he is very hurt by my action. I did not beg him. but i did ask if he can consider us together again, to which he replied he don’t know yet. So my questions are these:

    1. Can i attempt another NC?
    2. We are currently still keeping in touch via texts daily- so would it be shocking if i suddenly stop replying to his messages? i feel its rather weird telling him i need space since i broke up with him.

    Thank you.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      hmm.. what do you talk about in texts?

    • Az - 0

      Az

      Yes. Good point. Actually justifying why he should take me back.

      Do NC then?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      yup do nc, at least 30 days.. after it, take it slow in building rapport.. dont convince him to get back with you.. build rapport and attraction through texts first and then calls and then meet ups.

    • Az - 0

      Az

      A friend of mine told me she noticed that he has been very active on online dating site. I should keep calm about it right?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      it”s normal to feel sad or what about it, but if you mean, not fighting him and letting go to focus in you, yes, do that..

  18. Anne Nadine - 0

    Anne Nadine

    Hello.
    This is my story: Long time ago (10-11 years ago) I met a guy. We were best friends and we used to talk a lot. He wanted a relationship with me but i didn’t accepted because I was too young (16 years old) and he was 27 years old. We used to talk from time to time. After some years I get married and I talked to him. I don’t know what I’ve said but he got upset without my notice and didn’t talked to me for years. I thought that he don’t talk with me anymore because I’m married now. Years have passed and my marriage got in a critical point. I and my man are just friends. Last year, after 5 years without speaking, I have resumed contact with him. He told me what happened and we solved the problems between us.
    For few months we start to talk almost everyday and our discussions have become more and more intimate. I told him that I am scared to have another relationship and I don’t want to have sex without being in a relationship. He told me that he is serious and for him is not a problem that I’m still married. And also for him is not a problem to have a relationship with a divorced woman (after my divorce). We kept talking, to send one another sexy pictures and have a lot of talks abut sex. I forgot to say that between us are 2000 km, we live now in different countries.
    In April I was home for vacation and we have met for the first time in 10 years. I was very happy to see him again. He kissed me and the feeling was amazing. We kept kissing for hours like was the last day of our lives. He also wanted to have sex with me but I told him is too soon. He took my hand and put it on his pants. I went into his game and I liked it. But that was all. Kisses and touches.
    After few days we’ve met again and we went further….that means, after kisses he asked me if I can help him to have an orgasm. I wasn’t sure if I’m prepared but I went further because I liked him and I thought he like me also. So I did him oral sex…I felt a little bit embarrassed but he told me that it’s ok and we did not do anything wrong. After that evening he didn’t came to visit me again. He told me that was very busy with his job. My vacation was over and I fly back in the country I live now. We kept talking but not so much like before. I told him I want him in my life and I miss him every day, but he turns colder and colder every day. I started asking if I did something wrong or if I’m not good enough for him. I asked him a lot of questions but every time when I asked something about us or about A possible future he get angry. He told me that I’m too stressful and I rushed things. For 2 weeks I made all possible mistakes: I kept asking him for forgiveness, for another chance to make things right and slow as he wish, I asked him why and what he wants and if he wants to try again to have a normal relationship or be just friends like we used. He got angrier with every question I asked and gave me no answer at all. He also didn’t say anything when I asked him if he want me to live him alone. I send him a gift with an “Im sorry” note and he became even more angry. Now he keeps ignoring me. He did not even read my last messages asking for forgiveness. This is my third day of No contact rule. I want him back. What do you think, I have a chance to get him back? I miss him everyday, I miss our talks, I miss everything… What should I do to get him back? Thank you

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      why are you apologizing when you didn’t do anything wrong? check this one:
      The Ungettable Girl

    • Anne Nadine - 0

      Anne Nadine

      HI Amor. Thank you for your answer. I apologized because I wanted to take all our mistakes over me. Today is the 8th day of NC… I’m still waiting for a sign from him but I don’t get anything. He still doesn’t seen my last Facebook message. He is active on Facebook, he comments and likes other girls photos, but it seems like he forgot about me at all and he feels so good.
      I keep posting positive posts and photos on my profile but I don’t know if he saw them.
      His life goes on while mine is awful without him. I’m getting more and more certain he will not contact me… It’s clear he’s already forgotten me. I don’t know what to do… I really want him back..

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      dont wait.. be active in your own life.. put your energy in that.. take it as if he has moved on, and when he gets curious, because he will, would he think you are moving on?

  19. Jubey - 0

    Jubey

    I was only dating my guy for three months.

    The first 2 months were great and all headed in the right direction, with sure Faith of investment and efforts in all the right places. But third month he started to pull away and show signs he was a commitment phobe and things really slowed down. We spoke and he said he wasnt ready for that kind of relationship that he knows i want…but still wanted me by his side (much less than the 2 first months). At this point it was too late…i already fell for him! So at the end of the third month I broke it off with him (2 days ago), stating that I wanted a more invested relation and not a casual, confusing “friendlationship”…and so I walked away. He has told me he doesn’t want to lose me and wants to keep seeing me. But I told him I am not interested in friendship, I’m looking for a relationship….so I can’t see him again. He’s sad and gutted of course and told me he can’t bare the thought of never seeing me again…but I told him I’m not settling for less than I want.

    Would the no contact work in my case?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      It’s not a guarantee but it has a high chance with you because I’m assuming it’s your first and it would put credibility in your words that you’re not settling for less.

    • Ali - 0

      Ali

      Damn, I acted as you, almost the same situation, but in my situation we did not reach out to each for 6-7 months until we were assigned into one team at College.

  20. Charlotte - 0

    Charlotte

    Last question Amor: do you think I still have a chance with him given the fact that I have been behaving very needy?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      if you genuinely and continuously change, yes..

  21. Charlotte - 0

    Charlotte

    Thank you Amor for the wise words. I think I have been too clingy and desperate. When you say take it slow and building rapport, can you elaborate on that? He did not say out loud “I rather not keep in touch” like last time so if I do no contact, will that make him forget my presence? Having the right mindset is the key to getting him back?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      taking it slow means, to start with texts first, and then calls and then later on meet ups.. don’t be emotional.. approach him like a stranger that doesn’t have feelings for you and that you’re trying to build friendship with. it doesn’t matter if he forgets you or not, what matters is how interesting you’ll be from now on.

  22. Charlotte - 0

    Charlotte

    Hi Amor
    My ex and I ended on bad terms, he asked not to keep in touch because he wanted to focus on his new relationship and did not want to hurt his new girlfriend. We did not talk for 10 months and I reached out to him several times during that period but he never responded. Last month, I tried again and he finally messaged me back and we have been texting since. I try really hard not to talk about intimate topics but failed. He is ignoring my flirtatious messages. Do you think I have made him uncomfortable? Should I apologize for overstepping the friendship boundary? I care for him a lot and do not want to lose him. I rather be friends with him than not having him in my life. Should I tell him how I feel?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      you’d rather be friends than lose him? that’s probably one of the reasons why it’s not progressing.. because that mindset makes you desperate to have him stay in your life.. so, more likely you will really be friendzoned because a guy is not attracted to a very clingy girl..Either you do a proper one last nc, and take it slow in building rapport after while you continue to improve yourself and date too or you move on.. because if you just want to be friends, then yes, confess what you feel..so, that at least, you can accept whatever his reaction will be then just be friendly after that to continue being just friends.

  23. Amy - 0

    Amy

    Hi had been dating a man for almost nine months now. One time i caught him texting with his ex. Nothing sexual but i felt betrayed and asked to break up. He begged me to give him a last chance, he cried so much. I forgave him but the betrayal was hard on me so i we fought pretty much all the time and i reminded him of that incident. We stayed together, but for the past three months we were arguing even more. My boyfriend asked for space. He said do not call me unless i do, do not text unless i do and do not come to my house. He texted everyday to ask how i was and i tried to respect all this for a while but i felt emotionally drained as he kept his responses very cold. I decided to try the no contact rule but i failed terribly. I drunk called him, we got into a fight and we exchanged insults, but i was really bad on him. I even showed up to his house and exchanged more bad words. After the fight i really apologized and tried to show him what a good girl i have been, he agreed and says he knows i am a good person and he also recognises i put alot of effort in the relationship but he said he can not be with me because i disrespected him. he said had enough and decided to break up with me. Like any other stupid girl, i went pretty hysterical and begged him to give a chance one more month. He said okay he will give us a chance. While we were talking i also asked him if i should take my stuff from his house he said no. I left the house and since then we have not talked. On Sunday was his birthday i sent him a very short birthday note and he responded thanks. After that i went into the no contact rule because i needed heeling my self and hope that he might want me back. My sister called him (totally unrelated issue) and he picked up and spoke well. But it feels like he has moved on. He is now on a business trip do i have any chances to get him back?!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Try the no contact rule, it will help increase your chances if you do it the right way.. Do at least 30 days..Aim to be an ungettable girl.. check this one:
      The Ungettable Girl

  24. Lynette - 0

    Lynette

    Good morning,

    I am having a difficult time…my guy friend and I met a little over two years ago. We hit it off instantly and had great chemistry. We can talk about anything, we have fun, we respect one another (even when having difficult conversations) and overall, things were great. He did tell me that he did not want to be in a serious relationship after about 3 months in. I did not stick around long after that, we did not communicate for about 7 months. He contacted me after that period saying that he had missed me and we ended up back involved…I know it was not smart of me. Fast forward to now…I am the person he calls to share his deepest secrets and dreams/visions with. We always have fun when were are together. He told me that I am one of the only people that he can trust in his life. He was starting his business when we first met and he told me that one of the main reasons he did not want a relationship then was because all of them had broken up because of how much time he devoted to the business. Over the last 3-4 months, we have spent lots of time together (he said he wanted to do better), but he still does not know if he want to be in a committed relationship right now. We talk every day or every other day…and the conversations last for hours. He told me that I am the only woman that he spends time with and talks to like that. On Friday, I asked him to meet up so that we can talk. He told me he knew something was wrong and that he was sad about the conversation. I asked him if he saw a future with me and he got all sad and said that he is in a dark place in his life and he could not see a future with anyone. I did not get upset, we talked for a few hours and I told him that I accept and love him for who he is, but that I have to make better decisions that align with my future goals…so it was time for me to move on. He told me that he understood and respected my decision…but wished I would wait. He sent me a text last night, asking me to send him a name of something that he had sent a while back…I did not respond…I feel horrible though. We have been so good to one another, the only thing that was the issue was the commitment. Does it seem childish for me to be doing NC?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Nope..that’s the better approach than to keep being in the friendzone

  25. Bonjour - 0

    Bonjour

    Hello ! My ex’s grand-father was dying when he broke up with me 2 days ago. I know my ex will text me when he dies. Should I answer a quick “sorry to hear that. Take care of you and your family” if Im in NC période ? Il know it is very émotional for him, so I think it would be rude to not say anything…

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      yeah, that’s ok..

Join the Conversation: