What Is The No Contact Rule?

Will the No Contact Rule Work for You?

A few months ago I conducted an independent study where I took all the people who I had helped with getting their exes back and dissected exactly what they did to actually succeed.

I wanted to see if I could locate any trends and ultimately fine tune my advice to make this website better.

Of course, this study proved to be a bit challenging due to the fact that I hadn’t kept any notes on any of the success stories that I had a hand in.

So, as you can imagine, I found it to be difficult to get the level of detail that I was hoping for.

However, after it was all said and done I did end up finding one trend.

“Without a doubt the no contact rule is essential to getting an ex back.”

My research indicated that it was present in exactly 74% of the successes. Meaning that if you have your mind set on getting your ex back then you had better adopt the no contact rule strategy as soon as possible. Of course, this revelation got me thinking.

My page on “the no contact rule” on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is very outdated. Hell, I think it is several years old and if you know anything about me then you would know that I strive to write the best content in the world when it comes to exes.

And having such an essential page be outdated is not good.

So, I decided to revamp it.

I want to turn this tiny little 3,000 word page into a massive 10,000 word one. In other words, when I am through with this page there will literally be nothing out there that can bring the level of clarity that I can bring when it comes to the no contact rule.

Now, I realize that may sound a little arrogant but I prefer to say it’s confidence.

But that’s enough of this build up.

Let’s talk about the no contact rule!

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February 1, 2017

1 - The Puzzle Analogy

If you are familiar with my work on Ex Boyfriend Recovery then you would know that I often like to compare getting an ex back to a puzzle.

It just so happens that the no contact rule is the largest piece of that puzzle.

Hell, it’s a large enough piece that it warrants it’s own book, The No Contact Rule Book.

More on that in a second. For now I just want you to take a look at the graphic below.

What do you see?

puzzle-graphic
It’s a puzzle that is divided into two sections.

The top section

&

The bottom section

Now, let’s pretend that the top section of the puzzle is considered to be “the no contact rule” and the bottom part of the puzzle is considered to be the rest of the “ex recovery” strategy that I teach on this site.

puzzle-graphic-2

And in order to successfully get your ex back you need to merge the two puzzle pieces.

In other words, you can’t just rely on one side of the puzzle to do the work for you. I have noticed that over the years that people who come to this site always seem to be under the impression that all they need to do to win their ex back is implement the no contact rule.

That’s not true.

Yes, the no contact rule may, without a doubt, be the most important aspect of ex recovery but it isn’t going to get you over the finish line alone.

Why would I tell you this?

I want you to manage your expectations going in to reading this article. I want you to understand that there is still more work after this.

Now, I also don’t want to give off the impression that the no contact rule is easy.

It’s not.

There is a reason that the largest book that we have here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery is,

“The No Contact Rule Book”

But perhaps I should stop rambling and start explaining.

2 - What Is The No Contact Rule?

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

I enjoy making things as simple as possible for people and that’s what I am going to do here.

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

Now, I said I was going to make this as easy as possible for you to understand so let’s break this definition down piece by piece.

Let’s start with this part,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

There is nothing too out of the ordinary here.

Cutting off all communication means that you don’t talk to your ex at all in any way shape or form.

Well… this isn’t exactly true all the time (as I will teach you later) but for now just roll with it.

If your ex texts you, you ignore them.

If they call you… Yup, you ignore them.

Ignore..

Ignore…

IGNORE….

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

Ok, the next part of our definition is,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

One of the most popular questions that I get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is,

“Chris, how long should my no contact rule last for?”

It’s a good question because it depends wholly on your situation. You see, I used to claim that everyone should stick to a very basic 30 day rule. In other words, if you were going to try the no contact rule you should ignore your ex for a month.

But experience has taught me that this isn’t always the best practice.

For some situations 30 days may be too long and for others it may not be long enough.

That’s why you will see me recommending three different time frames when it comes to the no contact rule,

  1. The 21 Day Rule
  2. The 30 Day Rule
  3. The 45 Day Rule

Now, each of these rules have a different purpose.

So, what I would like to do now is help you determine which of these time frames is ideal for you.

(Side Note: There are pros and cons to each of these rules. So, consider everything before you pick one.)

The 21 Day Rule

The 21 day rule is the shortest rule that I am willing to recommend here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. It’s perfect for those situations where you think your ex is going to freak out if you ignore them.

Let me give you an example.

Imagine that you were to use the no contact rule on your ex and you got a string of text messages that looked like this,

txt-1

I have found that it’s counter productive to continue ignoring an ex for too long when you are getting the type of messages you want to be seeing from them.

But that leads us to an interesting question.

What if you aren’t getting the type of responses you want to see from an ex?

What if they freak out but not in a good way?

text-2

Well, then the 21 day rule isn’t going to be ideal.

Instead, you may want to look into the 30 or 45 day rule.

Speaking of the 30 day rule…

The 30 Day Rule

The 30 day no contact rule is what I like to call the basic no contact rule.

In other words, it should be your ideal starting point.

Take a look at the graphic I put together for you below,

starting-point

This graphic is meant to represent what I want every person who does the no contact rule to do.

I want them to start off by doing a 30 day rule and then based on how their ex reacts to the no contact rule I want them to adapt.

So, let’s say that you are doing the no contact rule on your ex and you receive the positive messages that you received above with the 21 day rule,

txt-1

But this doesn’t just happen once.

No, this is the third time something like this has started to happen.

Well, in that case then you probably want to move your 30 day rule to a 21 day rule,

starting-point-copy

Of course, the opposite is true if you receive negative text messages.

If that ends up happening then you probably want to turn your 30 day rule into a 45 day rule,

starting-point-copy-2

Let’s move on and talk a little more in-depth about the 45 day no contact rule.

The 45 Day Rule

45 days is the longest I am willing to recommend for a no contact rule.

I know that may shock some of you who are familiar with what other experts recommend but there is a reason for why I don’t think a no contact period should ever last longer than 45 days.

On average how long do you think it takes a human being to break a habit?

According to research, 66 days.

So technically speaking it may only take your ex 66 days to get out of the habit of thinking about you. Now, can you imagine if you flat out ignored your ex for 90 days and then all of a sudden out of the blue you texted them.

Wouldn’t that be weird?

They may already be over you and you may not even have a chance at getting them back.

But lets move on from talking about time frames for a second and keep defining the no contact rule,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery,

Hmm… I think this one deserves it’s own section to be honest with you.

3 - The Two Pronged Strategy

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

The way I teach the no contact rule versus the way other experts out there teach it is a little different.

Take a look at the graphic below,

two-prongs

This is how I teach the no contact rule.

You see, the no contact rule gives everyone who uses it an opportunity to implement a two pronged strategy.

  • Prong One = Making An Ex Miss You
  • Prong Two = Facilitates Recovery

Lets talk about each of the prongs for a bit first.

Prong One (Making An Ex Miss You)

If you were to ask any person what their ideal outcome would be if they were to use the no contact rule it would be that their ex goes so crazy over being ignored that they want to get back together as soon as possible.

In other words, their ex would exhibit the behavior of someone who misses a lover.

And I am not going to lie, the no contact rule does do this.

This is one of the BIGGEST assets of implementing the no contact rule.

However, it’s rare for an ex to ask you to get back together so I wouldn’t really bank on it. What I will say is that the no contact rule can drastically increase the chances of making an ex miss you and their is scientific proof backing this up.

Have you ever heard of psychological reactance?

No?

“Psychological Reactance is defined as a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioral freedoms. Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or her choices or limiting the range of alternatives.”

Now, that may have been a lot to swallow if you weren’t a psychology major so allow me to break it down.

Psychological reactance assumes that there are a set number of freedoms that a person has. However, when one of those freedoms is taken away the person will react to it. Usually in a way where they try to reobtain that freedom.

So, let’s look at what’s happening here.

By ignoring your ex you are denying them certain freedoms (the freedom to talk to you.) So, according to psychological reactance they are going to react in a way to try to try to get that freedom back.

Think of it like this.

Let’s say I offer my daughter a cookie and she accepts it.

A simple premise, right?

Let’s shake things up.

Now let’s say that I offer my daughter a cookie and right when she reaches for it I end up taking it away and placing it on a nearby table.

(I am definitely a horrible parent 🙁 .)

What do you think she is going to do?

Well, she understands on a basic level that her freedom to have that cookie has just been taken away and she is going to do everything in her power to get it.

That’s psychological reactance at work.

Her freedom to have the cookie was just taken away and as a result she behaved in a way to get it back.

Prong Two (Facilitating A Recovery)

I am a little appalled of how little people talk about the second prong of the no contact rule.

Why?

Because in my opinion it’s the most powerful aspect of NC.

Think about it, in the end all you can do is influence your ex to feel a certain way. Truthfully, you don’t have any control over what they think or the actions they take.

However, when it comes to prong two you have complete control because prong two focuses heavily on you.

Think of it this way,

facilitate-recovery

By facilitating a recovery you are going to become more confident in yourself. As you grow more confident in yourself you are going to appear more attractive towards the people around you.

That includes your ex.

Such was the case for Natalie, the woman featured in episode of three of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast (https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/episode3/). You see, she ended up moving on a facilitated a recovery.

The result = Her ex ended up contacting her and hitting on her.

But this begs an interesting question.

How do you facilitate a recovery?

Well, you want to utilize what I call “The Holy Trinity.”

4 - The Holy Trinity

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

It’s actually three things.

Health, wealth and relationships.

I’ll tell you what. I am going to go put together a report for you explaining this.

One sec….

Ok, here you go,

(Holy Trinity)

This book will explain the basics of “The Holy Trinity.”

In a nutshell, you can divide the most important aspects of your life into these three categories.

Well, during the no contact rule you want to only be doing things that positively impact these three aspects of your life.

I talk about this briefly in the holy trinity report.

But here’s something I don’t talk about in the report.

The three aspects of the holy trinity are interconnected. What affects one aspect will end up affecting the other aspects.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say that you lose your job. Thus, your “wealth” category is negatively impacted,

negative-wealth

Common sense, right?

But as a result of losing your job you become very depressed and your “mental health” becomes impacted,

negative-health

With your “mental health” compromised you begin to take your frustrations out on your significant other and as a result they break up with you,

negative-relationships

All in all, everything gets impacted negatively. It’s like quicksand. One bad thing happens and everything gets pulled down with it. However, if we are going to buy into this theory of everything being connected that also means that when something positive happens to one of the aspects everything else gets impacted as well in a positive way.

For example, let’s say that you start working out and look the best you have ever looked before,

positive-health

As a result you gain more confidence and end up doing great in a job interview and get a new job,

positive-wealth

With more confidence and a great new job word gets around and eventually reaches your ex who looks at you in a whole new light,

positive-relationships

What impacts one aspect of the holy trinity will impact the others in some way, shape or form. Remember this as you aim to facilitate your recovery. Now, I am going to talk a lot about the holy trinity when I talk about the “no contact rule” calendar later.

For now, let’s move on and talk about the other aspect of facilitating a recovery.

Facilitating A Recovery Within Your Ex

I have a simple question for you.

Do you think you will have a better chance of getting your ex back if they are angry at you or if they are a little calmer?

Calmer, right?

Well, the other great thing about facilitating your own recovery from the breakup is that it gives your ex a chance to facilitate their own recovery from the breakup.

Why do you want them to recover from the breakup?

Well, because it’s going to allow them to be more rational for when the time finally comes for you to reach out to them.

But we will talk about that later.

Now that you have a good idea of what the no contact rule entails let’s turn our attention to a very common question that we get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery,

“Can I ever break the no contact rule?”

Will the No Contact Rule Work for You?

The one question we get more than any other is Will the No Contact Rule Work For My Situation? I can’t read through and answer each question individually (because I literally get hundreds, sometimes thousands of emails per day), but what I did do is built an awesome calculator that I use myself to determine the impact of the No Contact Rule on almost any situation.

It takes about 4 minutes, and will go through 1) Details About You, 2) Details About Your Ex Boyfriend, and 3) The External Factors Involved in your breakup, and will calculate the actual chances that using the No Contact Rule will be effective in your situation. Kind of like personalized advise from me for free 🙂

Take 5 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Now!

5 - Can You Ever Break The No Contact Rule?

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

This is one of those things that I constantly get asked.

Seriously, I must have been asked this at least 500 times.

Originally I was of the mindset that you shouldn’t ever break the no contact rule. In fact, I think if you go to (this article link) you will notice that I say just that. However, lets say you find yourself in a scenario where you are doing the no contact rule and your ex texts you with something like this,

i-want-you-back

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

Well, according to my earlier advice you wouldn’t be able to.

Do you see the flaw with that type of thinking?

I am all about adapting and updating which is why I no longer think it’s necessary to stay in a no contact rule given the right circumstances.

Now, the keyword there is “right circumstances.”

One of the sad facts that I have learned about the people who visit my website is that if I give them a little bit of leeway they will take advantage of that. In other words, if I sit here and tell you that you can break the no contact rule early an idea gets planted in your head where you may potentially look for any reason to break it early.

Which is why I am very strict about the rules you can utilize to break the no contact rule early.

There are seven factors that you need to look at when determining whether or not you can break the no contact rule early.

Those seven factors are,

  1. How long you were in the relationship with your ex for?
  2. How many days have passed since you started the no contact rule?
  3. How many times have you broken up with this person before?
  4. Where are you in your own personal recovery?
  5. What was the cause of the break up?
  6. Who initiated the break up?
  7. How many positive communications have you received from your ex since starting the no contact rule?

Let’s take each data point and talk a bit about it.

I believe you will be better prepared to make a decision on which “road” to take, if you understand each piece of the puzzle. Only then can you fit them together and see what picture emerges.

You see, there is a synergistic relationship between these 7 data points. They need to be evaluated and considered together as a whole.

Sort like the 3 Musketeers!

(Even though D’Artagnan is never counted.)

You know…one for all and all for one!

Except in this case, we have the 7 Musketeers!

Factor One: How Long Were You In A Relationship With Your Ex For?

This can be a useful data point because if you have been involved with your Ex for a lengthy period of time, then this history between the two of you should give you some valuable insight on how to approach the situation.

If the history reveals a relationship plagued with many conflicts and multiple breakups, then you should take note of this pattern. It is probably telling you something. You may benefit more from staying on course with your No Contact strategy.

Then we have the situation in which the relationship was only weeks or a few months in duration.

Relatively speaking, that is not a very long time to build a solid foundation.

Breaking up after such a short time, suggests that something is not working out for one or both partners. In such a situation, making an exception and ending your No Contact is probably not a good idea.

Maybe things will work out.

Maybe not.

But I would think long and hard before breaking off the No Contact.

Factor Two: How many days have passed since you started the no contact rule?

If you hear from your ex on day 5 of your No Contact Period, it may be too early to make an exception.

While not a “deal breaker”, since all of these data points need to be considered as a whole, you should know that your ex reaching out to you so soon may be more to do with their “rebound emotions”.

You both may need more time to sort things out on your own, before you try to do it together.

Now on the other hand, if your ex reaches out to you on day 26 of your 30 day No Contact Period, I would be inclined to recommend you consider ending “No Contact” and exploring what is on their mind.

Unless, of course, your ex was spewing some nasty venom.

Which leads us to the next factor.

Factor Three: What Is Your Track Record With Your Ex?

If you guys have had multiple breakups in the past, then it probably is not in your best interest to make an exception.

The on again, off again relationship cycle is not healthy.

Where on the other hand, if you guys have been pretty solid in the past, that bodes well for your future.

Maybe you can cut short your No Contact Period on the strength of this factor and other data points.

Factor Four: Where Are You In Your Personal Recovery

Are you truly ready to talk to your ex again?

How much time has gone by since you last spoke?

How far along are you in your No Contact Period?

The more time that has gone by, the better, because it takes TIME to heal.

Have you been able to set aside the angry and resentful feelings you may have had following the breakup?

Do you feel you have progressed emotionally in other ways?

Are your drawing closer to becoming the best version of yourself?

Can you honestly say you have learned something meaningful about yourself?

These are the kind of things you need to think about. The last thing you want is to try to re-enter your relationship when your wounds have not healed.

Factor Five: What Caused The Breakup

If your ex cheated on you, then I am not an advocate of ending the No Contact Period early. Not unless all of the other Data Points are strongly and positively in place.

When weighing whether an exception should be made, one really needs to put a lot of weight on what caused the breakup.

Ask yourself, how severe and ugly was the ending of the relationship?

The more severe, the longer one should stay with No Contact. Breakups can be damaging and both parties need to time heal.

All breakups are going to hurt, no matter the degree of severity.

But it is usually easier to spring back from breakups if they did not cause considerable spite, anger, and hate.

Factor Six: Who Initiated The Breakup

The forces of “personal power” play a role during and after the relationship.

If you initiated the breakup, you have more personal power, at least on this matter.

But be careful with power.

It can go straight to your head in a matter of speaking, but you may not be thinking with the right side of your brain.

If you are feeling really cocky and confident about this new development of your ex reaching out to you, you may not be in the right place “emotionally” to properly gauge your situation.

Now, if your ex initiated the breakup and is now reaching out, you still need to weigh things carefully. On its surface, it may appear that the balance of personal power has swayed to your favor. Perhaps, your ex realizes they made a mistake.

Just tread carefully. In other words,

You Initiating The Breakup > Your Ex Initiating The Breakup

Factor Seven: How Many Positive Communications Did You Receive?

I saved the best and most important data point, for last! This is why I call it the Golden Factor.

What you should be looking for are multiple positive messages sent by your ex to you. One attempt to communicate, even if it’s made in the most positive way, is usually not enough, particularly if the other data points are not favorable.

When an ex reaches out to you and tells you something really nice and pleasant, that demonstrates good faith. If it is repeated, that shows the person probably really cares. If you receive a few more communications, that demonstrates a persistence.

As long as those messages sent to you have a positive energy, that bodes well for you.

Now if you get bombarded with negative message after negative message, to a point where it seems like your ex is obsessing….well, that is not a good thing.

If that happens, I would suggest you ignore those many obsessive contacts.

Positive contact can come in multiple forms.

It could be text messages. It could be emails. It could be phone messages. It could be old fashioned letters. It could be a message in a bottle. It could be a bouquet of flowers or a gift with a card.

Hell, it can even be on Facebook or Snapchat.

The main thing is that such messages need to number more than one.

They need to be positive, friendly and respectful. And they need to occur within a brief period of time (e.g. over a few days, perhaps over a week).

What if they show up at your door?

Don’t fall for it the first time around. Be nice and tell them you need more time. If this happens a few times and your ex conducted themselves respectfully, well, an exception may be in order.

Remember, I said it may be in order! You need to look at all of the data points and judge whether you wish to end your No Contact Period.
Is there any magic number of data points which have to be met, before you make an Exception?

Yes, and that leads me to my next point.

6 - The Rule Of Four

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

Do you remember above when I mentioned that if I give people too much leeway they will take advantage of it and look for any excuse to break the no contact rule.

Well, that’s what the rule of four is meant for.

There are a total of seven factors that you need to look at if you are considering ending the no contact rule early. Well, what if I told you that you only needed four of those factors to break it.

It’s just that one of those factors has to be the “golden factor,”

The Golden Factor = Receiving Multiple Positive Communications From Your Ex

For example, let’s say that you have checked off every other factor except the golden one.

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

No, the golden factor is essential for breaking no contact early.

But what if you have the golden factor but you don’t get any of the other factors?

Can you break no contact?

No, obtaining three other factors is just as essential as obtaining the golden factor.

That’s the rule of four.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

7 - Situations That Make You Alter The No Contact Rule

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

This is where things tend to get a bit more complicated. You see, in addition to understanding the rules for breaking the no contact rule early (which I am just going to tell you upfront is very rare) you will also need to understand that there are going to be certain situations that you may find yourself that will require you to alter the no contact rule.

Now, altering a no contact rule is completely different than breaking it.

What’s the difference?

Altering No Contact = You are still technically under the no contact period you just might be playing with a slightly different set of rules.

 

Breaking No Contact = You should be advancing to the next phase of the strategy to get your ex back.

Now, there are actually a lot of different situations that may make you alter your no contact rule BUT I don’t have the time to list out each and every one of them.

Instead, I thought that it would be best if I just listed out the most common alterations I see people having to make,

  • If Children Are Involved
  • If You Work With Them
  • If You Live With Them
  • If You Go To School With Them
  • If You Unexpectedly Run Into Them
  • The Item Exchange

Now, since this is Ex Boyfriend Recovery and we are committed to creating the best content in the world relating to exes we are going to go above and beyond for you by teaching you the alterations you are going to have to make for each of these situations.

Let’s start from the top.

The Alterations You Need To Make If Children Are Involved

This is always a difficult situation to alter because more often than not if you and your ex share a child you are going to be living together (which we will talk about next.)

So, rather than addressing what to do about the living situation let’s talk about what to do if you decide to use the no contact rule on your ex and they send you something like this,

child-text

Oh, and in case you couldn’t read between the lines “Carter” is your kid.

How do you deal with this?

Ok, here is my rule for when it comes to communicating about kids during no contact.

The Rule: You can break no contact to talk about the kids and that’s it. After you interaction about the kids is over you are going right back into no contact.

Pretty simple, right?

Well, things get a bit more complicated when you take into account that more often than not if you share a child with your ex you are probably living together.

How the hell are you supposed to handle no contact?

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Work With Your Ex

There are two words I want you to get very familiar with.

Strictly Business!

Now, it’s important to remember that the goal here isn’t to p*ss off your ex and that can definitely happen if you work together and completely ignore him. Instead, I don’t want you to initiate any conversations with him. Let him initiate all the conversations and if he does then keep the conversation short and sweet.

The only fly in the ointment, so to speak, is if your have to communicate due to a work related activity.

In that case make sure the scope of the conversation is STRICTLY BUSINESS!

In other words, if you are talking about something business related that is completely fine but if he veers off and starts talking about something “non business related” then I want you to subtly redirect him to talking about business.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Live With Your Ex

I am just going to be blunt with you.

The no contact rule is always going to be more effective if you aren’t living with your ex. That’s just the way it is and anyone who tells you anything differently is lying straight to your face.

BUT the no contact rule can still be effective if you live with the person so don’t go into a depression just yet.

It’s just that it isn’t going to be as effective.

So, what’s the rule regarding living with your ex?

The Rule: If it’s possible move out.

Now, the keyword that you want to look at there is “IF IT’S POSSIBLE.”

If moving out isn’t an option then don’t do it. Don’t worry, I have a specific strategy that you should employ but before I let you in on that I want to put my money where my mouth is.

Meet Jessica,

jessica

Jessica is someone who I personally worked with on Facebook.

I advised her to enter into a 21 day no contact period and also to move out of the house she was staying at with her ex boyfriend.

She did exactly what I said and when it was all said and done she had her ex chasing her and begging for her back. Oh, and he proposed.

This alteration produces results.

But let’s say that you can’t move out. Let’s say it’s not an option.

What do you do then?

Simple, you are going to act as cordial as possible when you do see your ex so they don’t think you are a d*ck but you NEVER want to start a conversation. Hmm…. perhaps this would work better as an example.

Ok, let’s pretend that you are dating me!

(I’m pretty awesome, I know!)

We are living together and you decide you want to utilize the no contact rule.

One day I come home from work (because in this example I am a high powered business man 😉 ) and I look pretty stressed. Every fiber of your being is going to want to ask me a simple question,

“Are you ok?”

Or

“How was your day?”

But you aren’t allowed to.

Why?

Because you are in the midst of a no contact rule.

Now let’s answer one of the most asked questions I get about this situation.

Let’s say that instead of me looking stressed and angry when I come home that particular day I look pretty happy and I even go as far as to ask you how your day was.

What do you do?

Most women make the mistake of thinking that they should ignore their exes at this point.

That’s a mistake because that will just create more animosity between the two of you and that’s the last thing we want. Instead, the best way to handle this situation is to engage me in a conversation but keep it short and sweet.

The idea is not to linger too long.

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Go To School With Your Ex

Out of all the alterations I talk about in this section this is probably the easiest one to grasp.

In fact, the alteration here pretty much boils down to two steps.

Step One: Avoid your ex

Step Two: If it’s impossible to avoid them then keep it short and sweet

So, let’s talk about these steps really quick.

I want you to avoid your ex at school at all costs. Yes, I realize some mumbo jumbo expert out there may disagree with me but believe me when I say that this is for your own good.

Why?

Well, because I have often found that people will look for any conceivable excuse to “bump into their exes.”

But let’s assume you are in a situation where “step one” is impossible.

Let’s say that you are in the exact same class as your ex and it’s pretty much impossible to avoid them. Well, in that case I want you to keep everything short and sweet.

What do I mean by that?

Well, for starters I don’t want you to start any conversations with your ex. However, let’s say that your ex starts a conversation with you (like my example above when you live with an ex.)

Well, keep everything short and sweet.

Engage them but don’t engage them fully.

Be nice but not too nice.

Short and sweet.

That’s the name of the game.

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Unexpectedly Run Into Them

Imagine for a moment that you are walking down the street and all of a sudden you see your ex…

You panic…

You get that deer in the headlights look…

And you pull a “kramer,”

a-kramer

Now, do you think that is the proper way to utilize the no contact rule in this situation?

No…

Absolutely not.

Instead, the correct move here is to walk up to your ex, say hi and leave it at that.

Less is more…

Now, before we move on to the final alteration I do have one thing to say. DON’T GO LOOKING TO RUN INTO YOUR EX ON PURPOSE! If you do that and they catch on to what you are doing then without a doubt you are going to appear to be desperate and that is going to have the opposite effect of what you are supposed to do.

Alterations You Need To Make For An Item Exchange

Ah, and here it is…

The ultimate no contact question that I get asked on pretty much a daily basis.

“Chris, am I allowed to break the no contact rule if my ex has items that I want back?”

 

“What about if my ex asks me for their things?”

Ok, let’s tackle the easy one first.

If your ex asks for their things back then you have to give them their stuff back. No if’s, ands or buts about it.Therefore, you are allowed to break the no contact rule but just in this one instance. After the items are exchanged then I want you to go right back into the no contact rule.

How do you handle the interaction when you are exchanging things?

Good question.

Generally you want it to be short and sweet.

This isn’t a time to linger and relive the worst or best parts of your relationship.

Get in, exchange items and get out.

Simple…

Now, lets tackle the more difficult question.

What if your ex has something of yours that you want back. How do you handle that?

Well, the first question I would ask you is how important is it to you?

If we are talking “toothbrush level” type stuff then I think you can live without it and should probably stay in the no contact rule.

But what if it’s something of grave importance to you?

Something like your mothers ashes… Well, then you have my permission to break the no contact rule to get them back.

Fun Fact: Did you ever see the Malcolm in The Middle episode where the babysitter is fighting with her ex over her mothers ashes (I did obviously 😉 .)

8 - The Next Very Important Step

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

Now that you have a pretty good idea of how the no contact rule works I want to move on to the next step.

There is a philosophy that I want you to adopt.

It’s called “Dating Yourself.”

In fact, I did a whole interview with a dating coach named Veronica Grant where she pretty much summed up “dating yourself” better than I ever could,

In case you don’t have the patience to watch the entire interview here is her summarization of “dating yourself,”)

Dating yourself is kind of what it sounds like. Doing things for yourself that you would either want or expect your significant other to do for you. So, it can be things like buying yourself flowers, writing yourself a love note, taking a hot bubble bath, taking yourself out for a drink or for a nice dinner but really the deeper essence of it is making yourself feel how you want to feel on your relationship.

Now, I am absolutely in love with this idea, especially during the no contact rule.

Why?

Well, it kind of serves as a gauntlet for weeding out the people who aren’t serious about getting their exes back and simply want to move on. And that’s a great thing because usually half the battle is finding a way to get on the right path.

So, how does this “gauntlet effect” work?

The Gauntlet Effect

It’s hard to admit (because I was a young buck when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery) but I have been doing this for over half a decade. But most of the people who come to this website want one thing and one thing only,

They want to get their exes back.

And I feel I have certainly catered to those people a lot (Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO anyone?)

But sometimes a person comes to me with a horrifying story that makes me think,

“Hmm… maybe you shouldn’t get back with your ex.”

And being me, I usually verbalize my thoughts without thinking a lot of time.

Now, usually when I tell someone this they are very respectful and often times they agree with me. However, when it comes time for them to take specific actions revolving around getting over their ex they actually do the opposite.

Now, after five years of his happening to me I have finally wised up to what’s going on.

Nothing I say will convince a person otherwise and I have simply decided to let people go through their own process (because sometimes that’s what it takes for them to realize their ex is not the right fit for them.)

Ah, but that’s where “The Gauntlet Effect” comes into play.

By utilizing the “date yourself” philosophy during the no contact rule you are essentially putting yourself in a gauntlet to see if you are still interested in your ex by the end of the no contact rule.

Allow me to explain in more detail.

Let’s pretend that you are doing a 30 day no contact rule and you decide that on top of utilizing the “two prongs” that I talked about above you are going to also utilize the “date yourself” philosophy.

And while you are dating yourself you come to the realization that,

“Hmm… my ex never treated me as good as I am treating myself right now..”

And pretty soon this singular thought evolves into,

“I don’t think I want him back.”

Well, that’s the gauntlet effect in play right there. It essentially helps you determine what you really want going forward. Of course, if you come out the other end of the gauntlet and you still want your ex back then you absolutely positively have my permission to do everything in your power to get him back.

I suggest this is the best place to start

Of course, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves now.

WARNING: Most People Who Try The No Contact Rule End Up Failing It

I think I may have mentioned this before but it never hurts to re-iterate.

The odds aren’t in your favor to successfully make it through the no contact rule. In fact, I would say that the vast majority of people I have met have ultimately ended up failing at the no contact rule.

Now, what does that mean?

Well, usually that means that you decide to do a period of no contact and somewhere during that period you end up contacting your ex.

And it’s easy to understand why.

We live in a digital age where temptation is all around us.

I mean, think about it.

How tempting would it be to check your exes Facebook profile?

What about check and see the last time they logged into WhatsApp?

Of course, it’s my job to ensure that you don’t fail at the no contact rule so here’s what I have decided to do for you. I have put together a list of the very best ways that you can safely remove temptation. In other words, if you do the following things then your chances of successfully completing the no contact rule will drastically increase.

  • Getting A Friend To Hold The Number
  • Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time
  • Keeping A Journal
  • Unfollow On Facebook

Let’s talk a little about each of these initiatives.

Getting A Trusted Friend To Hold Onto Your Exes Number

Now, I am not going to lie to you.

This one is a bit flawed.

But more on that in a second. For now, let’s just grasp what this initiative is.

Essentially the way this works is that you write your exes number down on a piece of paper and then you erase that number from your phone. After that, you take the piece of paper to a trusted friend and tell them not to give it to you until your 21 – 45 days are up.

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“I get it and everything but what’s the flaw?

Well, let’s say that I am the trusted friend who you gave your exes number to. And let’s say that your ex contacts you at some point. It will probably still show up on your phone but just as a number you don’t recognize.

Nevertheless, I have seen this method work for a lot of women who have tried it so it isn’t without it’s merits.

Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time

I am a big fan of this one.

Why?

Well, because IF you do the no contact rule the way that I am recommending you to do it then this is going to happen naturally.

Think about it…

The holy trinity…

Dating yourself…

These are things that are meant to keep you buys and most importantly keep your mind off of your ex which is a HUGE problem we are facing. So, the idea here is that you keep yourself so busy that you don’t even have time to contact your ex.

Now, I realize that it’s unrealistic of me to say,

“Ok, as long as you just make yourself busy you won’t ever have time to contact your ex.”

That’s not true.

If someone is motivated enough they will always find time.

But here is the point I want to hammer home for you.

As long as you couple this strategy with a few others you should be golden.

Keeping A Journal

I have to admit that I can’t take credit for this one. This is the brain child of my wife.

So, the way this works is that you go out and buy a journal. Now, the thing about this journal is that it’s only meant for the no contact rule. In other words, this is your no contact rule journal 😉 .

Ok, lame joke aside you are going to utilize this journal to write down your feelings during the no contact rule.

It’s a way to exercise how you are feeling and also a way to prevent yourself from contacting your ex.

Now, let’s say you are going along down the no contact rule and all of a sudden you get this urge to contact your ex. It’s overwhelming and your fingers are literally on the phone typing in their name.

Well, instead of doing that you are going to pull out your journal and write down how you are feeling.

Write down what you want to write…

Write down how angry and upset you are…

Get it all out.

Get it all out until you don’t feel the urge to contact them anymore.

Unfollow Your Ex On Facebook

Notice how I said “unfollow” and not “unfriend”

Believe it or not there is a difference between the two.

Unfollow:

unfollow

Basically by unfollowing your ex they won’t show up in your feed anymore. Now, if you want more details on why I recommend not to fully unfriend your ex then I recommend going here.

So, that’s going to do it for my epic guide on the no contact rule?

What do you think?

Are you confused about anything?

Do you need help with anything?

We would love to hear from you in the comments below!

Will the No Contact Rule Work for You?

The one question we get more than any other is Will the No Contact Rule Work For My Situation? I can’t read through and answer each question individually (because I literally get hundreds, sometimes thousands of emails per day), but what I did do is built an awesome calculator that I use myself to determine the impact of the No Contact Rule on almost any situation.

It takes about 4 minutes, and will go through 1) Details About You, 2) Details About Your Ex Boyfriend, and 3) The External Factors Involved in your breakup, and will calculate the actual chances that using the No Contact Rule will be effective in your situation. Kind of like personalized advise from me for free 🙂

Take 5 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Now!

What Do You Think? (5,875)

  1. Lana - 0

    Lana

    Hi EBR,

    With the no contact rule – should I let my ex know that I need some time apart? ie tip them off that I won’t be in contact anytime soon? Or should I just not tell them at all?

    Thanks

    Reply
  2. Craig - 0

    Craig

    Hi! My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m away on a holiday and she doesn’t trust me. We had argument which I called her immature and that she doesn’t trust me and has trust issues and then she then blocked me on all social media. It’s been 3 weeks since and had no contact at all. I saw her on the 21st day at a bar and people told me she’s been sleeping with other people. The next day I felt hurt and was sick to my stomach. I foolishly created another social media account (I know) and messaged her telling her I loved her and all the silly stuff I shouldn’t be saying. She obviously didn’t reply so I’m now starting another no contact for 30 days today. Have I ruined my chances? Also I was still blocked after 3 weeks then how can I get in contact with her starting a natural conversation? Thank you!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Craig,

      let’s take this 2nd no contact as a restart.. Be very active in improving yourself, be active in posting in your social media account, and look like you’ve accepted the situation and moving on.. If you’re still blocked after 30 days, set a limit on until when you’ll wait to be unblocked before moving on..

  3. Ellie - 0

    Ellie

    I was dating a guy for a couple of months when he broke it off saying he needed time for himself, and he didn’t get the real relationship-feelings with me. I was sad and a little angry at first, but texted him two days later just to let him know I wasn’t angry anymore. He replied, but I already initiated the no contact so I haven’t said anything to him since. A week after the “break up” I did make the mistake of unfriending him on Facebook. After 2,5 weeks of no contact, my best friend told me that she saw him at a party and he asked her how I was doing. I’m wondering why he might have done this, what can I read into it? It’s now been 3 weeks of no contact. What do I do when the no contact period is over? Is this a lost cause?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Ellie,

      it can be just because she’s your friend and that’s one of the topics they can talk about or he’s wondering because he has hurt you.. were you active in improving yourself and in posting in social media in the last 3 weeks? If not you have to restart the count, and then initiate contact after to slowly rebuild rapport

  4. divya - 0

    divya

    we were gud before he goes to his home town…but thn he started to act like too busy but he was not…..and whn ever I call it use to be waiting most of the time….he reduced the conversation…thn he came back even nw he is doin same…he does not cal if I didn call…I totally feel like he is avoiding me….and also it seems like he have new relationship…I want him back help me

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Divya,

      did you mean he’s cheating on you? How long is your relationship?

  5. Freya - 0

    Freya

    My boyfriend told me he is dating someone else and needs time to end it. It can be up to a year he says because he doesnt love her but care about her and doesnt want to hurt her. In the meantime he wants us to continue as we are. We are in a long distance relationship and he lives close to her. We had a huge argument over it . I tried the no contact for 2 days but he messaged me saying he misses me and needs me as i am his best friend. I am honestly confused. He gets jealous if i see anyone else. Not sure if the no contact will drive him away as that’s not what i want

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Freya,

      how long have you been dating him? It’s going to take a year to leave the other girl? He’s just stringing you along. Of course he would be jealous, that’s being possessive. If you continue to allow a person to treat you that way, why would he stop doing it?

    • Freya - 0

      Freya

      Hi
      We have been dating for just over a year. He texted me to say he knows my worth and he wants whats best for us but he was dating this girl before me. So he just needs time to end it because i am the one he wants. I think he has commitment issues because he refuses to call her his girlfriend. He says thats what i am. He literally got angry recently when he foumd out i went on a date with an ex amd said i was deceitful for doing it. Would the no contact rule help? I am so confused. I have been working on myself as well. Just scared that i might lose him.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      oh freya.. but what if that’s what’s he’s telling with the other girl too? And actually, you should have left him or at least started nc right after you knew that, because whether the nc helps or not, the longer you stay, the more you’re telling him that what he’s doing is ok and you’re also not respecting yourself by doing that..

  6. Sandra - 0

    Sandra

    Hello. My boyfriend and I had been together for a little over a year but have known each other for 4 years. On 2/1/17, he said he wanted to talk to me about how recently he’s been thinking about how we bicker and get snippy with each other too often and it had exhausted him. We promised each other we were going to work on it, but I guess it bothered him that much. He said he wanted some space so I thought the weekend of 2/4/17-2/5/17 would be enough for him. After the weekend past, he said he loves me but not like he used to. The bickering had exhausted him and fed him up he said. We eventually talked it out and we both agreed we need to have time to ourselves and not rely on each other for happiness but be our own happiness. I told him “good luck. I hope maybe a month or two down the road we will be able to have happy times again. I will always have a place in my heart for you ” He said, “same to you. If you ever need me you know where I’m at.” After that messaged I have decided to do the 30 day no contact. I still have stuff of his and so does he but I think i’ll wait it out until the end of the 30 days. Should I call him after the no contact period to meet up in person? My question is, should I do the 21 or 30 day? I feel very terrible at the moment. I feel like this man is my soulmate and potential husband.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Sandra,

      Nope, don’t call right away.. Be active in improving yourself during and after nc and in posting in social media. And then slowly build rapport after nc through texts first, and then calls and then meet ups.

  7. Mali - 0

    Mali

    Hello. My ex and I have had a 4 plus year relationship, no contact has worked before in troubling times- but…a phone call worked vs a text-I just called him up after 30 days. However the last time we fussed, the text method worked (last year). We broke up 45 days ago and he is not responding to my text. I’m too afraid of rejection to call him. Yet, I have hope! Any suggestions?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Mali,

      the more you do no contact, the less it will work.. how much did you improve this time and how many times have you texted? what did you text too?

    • Lauren - 0

      Lauren

      This is a testimony of how the advice on this website works! That, and I believe in manifestation..
      The universe collided and I met a man whom I had an instant connection with. The feeling between us is a primal, magical, and indescribable connection. He agreed. Though we dated for a very short period, the relationship instensified very quickly. Then like a light switch, my hero turned from HOTTT to cold. He started withdrawing; responding to texts/calls the next day, not calling when he said he would, and the final straw was cancelling New Year’s Eve plans at the last minute. I gave him a matter of fact feedback that I don’t tolerate that type of behavior, and therefore wouldn’t stick around. His response was shocking– He said that he absolutely was NOT looking to be in a relationship and couldn’t give me what I deserve at the moment. And he thought we were “just having fun”. Well, admittingly so I had set the tone for this “having fun only” and he took it and ran with it! Having fun does not constitute not valuing me or my time, and that is the message I want to get across to him. He is younger than me, and very career focused. He is not at the place financially and successfully where he wants to be. So, I get it. —–Well, it had been a month and neither of us reached out to one another. I received a couple of blocked call hang ups, but that was the extent of it. In the last week, I felt like I was starting to unravel, and the missing him was taking way more precedent than saying goodbye and moving on. I literally the night before was up late tossing and turning. I got online and read articles (this site) about the 30 day no contact rule. I read, and the words and explanations behind why the 30 day no contact period were very comforting to me. The suggestion to take it to 45– even 60 were benchmark goals that I was going to try.
      —-That was until, I received a text message from him tonight (less than one day later!), that “I just wanted to say hi, I hope you’re having a good new year). I was and am shocked and blown away. I have yet to respond, and a couple of hours later he followed up with “you deserve it.” And the point of me walking away is because I know my standards and how I deserve to be treated, no matter how crazy I am about someone. So a great big thank you to this site for helping me get through a tough period. Your expert advise absolutely holds true in my case 100%.
      — Now any ideas on how to respond!? (Yes, I read all about the rapport building/facilitating recovery). Thanks a billion again!!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Lauren,

      check this one:
      Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)

  8. Yvonne - 0

    Yvonne

    Hi, last Thursday I tried to call my boyfriend, but he started to ignore my calls, then I found he blocked me on Facebook, but the last time we talked on Wednesday we are still happy and were planning to see each other on Thursday, then I freaked out, I used my friend’s number to call him, he picked up and said he is out of town, we cannot meet, then he ended the call, and texted me said he doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Then I called a few times using my own number, he then blocked my number. I asked his friend what happened to him, and write something said we are breaking up and asked his friend to show him, his friend ended up blocking me as well. I don’t know what happen at all, I asked another friend of him, that friend try to call, no pick up.
    Actually he left me like this before once, like disappeared, but I sent him message on WhatsApp and Facebook messenger, he never replied but in around 21 days he relied and we were back together, Then I started being so caring about him, support him, and I felt he is more happy and comfortable with me day by day, but suddenly one day like this, and I don’t know why? He also owes me $6100, I want it back so bad, should I start to NC rule? Should I ask him my money during My NC rule taking? Or should I ask him that after 30 days? I am so worried about my money actually. Please help! It is now 4 days we haven’t contacted each other (he blocked me on phone, Facebook and WhatsApp)

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Yvonne,

      it’s ok to find a way to contact him about your money but for me you should move on from him.. But of course, dont give up getting your money back

  9. Louriz Samonte - 0

    Louriz Samonte

    I cheated on my girlfriend but it was just a sort of fling. no emotional attachment and nothing happened but my ex found out because she saw our conversation in facebook. It was my 2nd time doing this to her and I don’t know what to do. I love her so much and I said my apologies and i am willing to work on it and change but she says that we could only be friends and that no matter what happens we will just stay as friend. She says that she is not closing her door in our relationship because she doesn’t know what is going to happen in the future. What should i do? It was less that a week since we broke up and we are going through the same class every single day

    Reply
  10. Misha - 0

    Misha

    I was dating a girl for 3.5 years. Last half a year she was really hard for us, because we both got new Jobs. We practically hadn’t had time for each other and we decided to broke up, because there was no relationship in our relationship anymore. It was in September.
    We we’re sometimes speaking to each other, but not much. I tried no contact rule in December.

    In early January I asked her out. She said that although it’s sad, it’s a bit to late and she decided to move on. And she said that she isn’t exactly alone anymore.
    I replied that I’m ain’t alone either. But it just not the same. That was the last time we talked. I unfriended her on Facebook, after that she completely blocked me on Facebook.

    I feel so sad that we broke up. It was a crisis in our lives, and we just needed to wait it out. The crisis has passed, but we aren’t together anymore. And I don’t know what to do. I still love her.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Misha,

      how many days did you do nc and was your first contact to meet her?

  11. Sally - 0

    Sally

    Hi, its been 2 and a half months since me and my bf broke off, i did limited contact for a time, we work together, After 2 weeks we went to the christmas party together and after we slept together. He said he was sorry he broked up and all. He was more open with me and he talked to me for like 5 days and after that he went cold and said it was wrong to see each other and what we did was not ok. I told him that maybe we should see each other and see what happens since what happened after the christmas party and everything he said after and since he wanted to see me and i wanted to see him too. We had dinner few days after that, great night, best time since a long time even when we were together, ended up talking in his car and also kissing. The days after he was clearly open to me and more flirty at the job. A week after that night, i told him that when we were to see each other again we couldnt kiss and he could only have a hug. After that everything turned to a mess. We met for an hour only to go ice skating, then i returned home. When i asked him why we couldnt see each other more, he said that we could see each other a bit but not too much. Then when i talked about the fact that we had a super great night and that we agreed to see each other to see what would happen between us… he just said that we could have some few fun evenings but nothing more and that it was over between us. Then we had kind of a fight. Now we talked a bit and are officially friendly again but, he doesnt talk to me the same, he acts frustrated sometimes, like he doesnt care for me at all. Last week i had an advantage and now i feel like im a big poop for him lol. Should i do another no contact? Can it really help at this points and more importantly its been more than 66 days and he could easily not care about me anymore. Im not sure what to do next. Also, ive done the improving myself, inner self and outside also, doing more things with friend etc etc. He seemed to have liked how i cared for myself since he said he wanted me.. the attraction is there without doubt but he says theres nothing more. It was going ok but if it becomes a lil complicated he seems to back off. I want to rebuilt the attraction and feelings between us but i dont know how to make him feel for me again and kind of chase me again.

    Thank you for your help!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Sally,

      is it obvious that you still like him? because if it is, theb there’s no chase even if you improved..

    • Sally - 0

      Sally

      So, if i understand correctly, I just act like I dont care at all? I dont pay attention to him at work, no text, no facebook? Also if it doesnt do anything in 2 to 3 weeks, do I try to text him again like after the no contact rule, or I stay low profile until, and if , he makes a move toward me? And if he doesnt just move on…

      Thanks for you help

    • Sally - 0

      Sally

      Also, you are right, I did very look like I still wanted him since i said that we should see each other and see if something can happen… and after that it was like being rejected by him all over again . Also I told him that I missed him and really wanted to be friends, I didnt think it was a mistake at the time.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I think you should restart the count of 30 days and yes ignore him. If he initiates, be civil and polite.. Continue improving yourself, have a new routine..After that slowly, little by little be more friendly with him at work

    • Sally - 0

      Sally

      Hi, its been hard at work, we work in the same team. Hes been unjust and rude to me some times since the last time. He s not friendly like before. I had to send him a message and tell him to respect me and that he cannot act like that. he just replied ok. I dont know how to deal with the whole thing and i broke limited contact while saying that. I dont even know if there s anything that can happen now, 2 weeks ago he was friendly and did not act like that. I want to stand up for myself but I m not sure whats best.

      sally

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      that’s ok..just restart the count and be more active in something else and with somebody else

  12. Lien - 0

    Lien

    My girlfriend left me for someone else 1 month ago.
    Is it possible to start the no contact rule 1 month after break up? Because we can talk (with periodes in between where she ignores me) but we can still hang out like before. Will the no contact rule not drive her more and more into the arms of that other girl?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Lien,

      if she’s ignoring you, you’ll look like chasing and pushing her to get back with you.. there’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but you have to remove yourself from being the chaser, especially if she left you for somebody else

  13. bob - 0

    bob

    My girl left me because i was telling my problems to her mom and her friend, and all her friends and family found out and it was damn embarassing. I did so because she’d always breakup and things would get worse and i needed advice. Anywyas, I learned my lesson….She broke up and i spent a month trying to fix etc and she doesnt want to. Last week we had agreed we’d go out to make some good memories before I part ways, we went out and we held hands….and hugged and stuff, we were suppose to go out next day but she cancelled. couple days later she calls, i call her back and says was a mistake…day later i text her asking how she is etc, mid way when i asked her lets meet up tomororw, she went to bed and woke up next day early morning, but only replied late in afternoon with excuse to cancel. I replied by midnight telling it is okay and havent heard from her since then. What do you advise

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI Bob,

      Do you want to try the advice above?

    • Bob - 0

      Bob

      Will it work? I havent been speaking to her for 4 days now…..

    • Bob - 0

      Bob

      Ofcourse I do, i havent contacted her in 4 days, do i keep going? do i do anything different? I was thinking of meeting up to tell her i accept the breakup and cant be friends and just leave to regain some power and being no contact or shuold i just keep going

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      there’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but if you really want her to think you’ve accepted the break up, just contnue on on nc and be active in improving yourself

  14. Jane - 0

    Jane

    Hi,
    I’m on day 11 of NC. I had several texts that I ignored 2 days in and then he text me and said he wasn’t going to text me anymore and I knew where he was if I needed him. Fast forward a week and he is bombarded me with texts, asking me how I am, why I’m not talking to him, to let him know if I don’t want him to message me, are we working towards being friends etc. Proper guilt trip stuff and I caved and sent back “I just need a little bit of space at the moment”. I had got to the point where my anxiety was sky high (I’m seeing a counsellor to help me deal with it anyway) I thought it was worth a reply. The problem is that he says he respects that and has continued to text. I’ve had four messages since I sent that today. What do I do? Do I have to start NC again? I’m being positive and working on me but the constant texts is frustrating especially as I know it’s because he has no control over the situation. We were together 15 months and he broke up because he said he was in love with me but didn’t fancy me anymore and is depressed.
    Thanks

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I think you can just continue, just dont reply again

    • Jane - 0

      Jane

      And I must add that I’ve not replied to any of the 4 messages after I told him I needed space 🙂

    • Jane - 0

      Jane

      Thank you Amor. I’ve read about the texts that I need to send when NC ends. How do I respond if he asks why I was ignoring him? I’m working on me, I’m decorating my flat to make it feel more like a home so I feel settled, I’m learning to cook and I’ve taken up running to work out my frustration. I’m feeling positive. It’s just hard with the constant bombardment of messages. Do you think he’s doing it for control or because he genuinely misses me?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      let’s say he misses you..tell him you toon time to put yourself first..

    • Jane - 0

      Jane

      Hi Amor, I told him yesterday I need some space and the messages keep coming. I’ve had more today asking him how I am and question marks. Do I tell him again or just carry on with no contact?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      just carry on with no contact..

  15. Shelly - 0

    Shelly

    Hi
    My boyfriend broke up with me about a month and a half ago. I’ve been wanting to do the no contact rule but it seems impossible in my situation. We are both in our senior year of high school and he’s in my classes. He’s also in my friend group, so he’s there at break times and when we go out…. He is literally everywhere. I stopped texting him but just that doesn’t seem like enough for the whole no contact rule as I see him all of the time. We don’t really talk to each other directly, but I mean at break times when talking to friends, we talk in a group. I am not going to stop hanging out with my friends though just because of him, as that is unfair on me and shows that something is wrong to everyone. I’m not sure what to do about this and how to apply the no contact rule. Can you please give me advice on what to do in this situation?

    Reply
  16. Kristy - 0

    Kristy

    My ex boyfriend came to my front door unexpectedly after 2 days NC. He was shaking Saying he was worried about me and he had anxiety as I didn’t reply. We have been split up for 3 weeks now and have spoken on and off as he moved out of our home on New Years eve. He said he doesn’t want to lead me on and doesn’t want to put me through anymore pain but said he misses me and wanted to hold me, I gave in and let him stay the night. He said it was more than just s#x and sent me a msg saying was nice being with me. Should I go back to no contact with him or see where this goes?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kristy,
      if you’ve been on and off before, it’s more likely that it will still be like that

  17. Daan - 0

    Daan

    I have been dating this girl for 6 weeks now. I am 17 and she is 18 and we live a 45minute train ride from eachother, but she realised yesterday she was not ready for a relationship yet. Now this seems easy… just wait it out and see when she is ready… But the thing is we agreed to remain friends. She also said she still finds me atractive and really sweet. Now the distance is also a big issue, but ill be studying next door to her in 1.3 years. Wich will make it easier to date. I am now willing to try the NC rule. At the end of this period ill ask her to hang out(or shell ask me if all goes well) but ill also be having exams when that period comes… and after that shell be a week in belgium so that would result in not seeing her for 7 weeks. Should i meet up with her in 4 weeks and then after be bussy with exams in, 7 weeks, or is it better to wait the full 1.3 years. There is also a slight chance ill imigrate to Canada in 2 years. And she is really wort it…

    Reply
    • Daan - 0

      Daan

      I forgot to say that it might be a different reason why she decided its best to break up. She also said she doesnt want to fall in love anymore because it will only hurt more that way in the future… and she felt it just wasnt right al though she still realy liked me.. her parents gor divorced….i even send her a teddy bear when she was sick a week ago. So we had a phone call yesterday where i said i was oke to move on and we laughed a little about some memories. She also said i couldnt have possibly done anything better. I said that we should talk it out next week when i was with her but then she said again she doesnt eant to get hurt more because of a more severe break-up Thank you in advance.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Daan,
      try texts first after no contact period..and then calls and then meet ups because you have to slowly build rapport first before meeting up again

  18. Daan - 0

    Daan

    I have been dating this girl for 6 weeks now. I am 17 and she is 18 and we live a 45minute train ride from eachother, but she realised yesterday she was not ready for a relationship yet. Now this seems easy… just wait it out and see when she is ready… But the thing is we agreed to remain friends. She also said she still finds me atractive and really sweet. Now the distance is also a big issue, but ill be studying next door to her in 1.3 years. Wich will make it easier to date. I am now willing to try the NC rule. At the end of this period ill ask her to hang out(or shell ask me if all goes well) but ill also be having exams when that period comes… and after that shell be a week in belgium so that would result in not seeing her for 7 weeks. Should i meet up with her in 4 weeks and then after be bussy with exams in 7 weeks or is it better to wait the full 1.3 years. There is also a slight chance ill imigrate to Canada in 2 years. And she is really wort it…

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Daan,
      try texts first after no contact period..and then calls and then meet ups because you have to slowly build rapport first before meeting up again

  19. Diane - 0

    Diane

    I disagree with ignoring the ex. It depends on what the ex comes back with after you’ve done NC. In my case, he came back with something very substantive to say and a solid reason. If he simply said Hey – I’d ignore that. But don’t ignore a man who makes a real effort. Otherwise you’d look like you are playing games snd men do see through that. Good luck!

    Reply
  20. DDC - 0

    DDC

    Hi,

    I’m currently doing the no contact rule however my ex contacts me still with some personal matters, left over things, et al. I reply to him about those but should I reply to him if he is asking a question about something. I also would like to know if I will break my NC if I text/remind him about financial stuff? In case he forgot to make the payment. We still have unfinished finances that might go on for the rest of the year so I dunno how to approach it. I’m currently on my 11th day and I’m doing the 30days.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi DDC,

      it’s ok to talk about important stuff, just make it only about those stuff.

  21. Mln - 0

    Mln

    I was wondering whether this also applied to the early stages of dating. I have been dating a guy for a month and all of a sudden he decided it was not working and that we should probably stop seeing each other for good. He sent me a text telling me that and I told him that if he really felt that way, we should probably see each other and talk it out. We did now and I feel extremely heartbroken. He still does not want to see me and I am afraid that his life will just continue as if I never existed and he won’t think about me for an instant. Do you think that NC will work for this particular guy?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Min,

      there’s no guarantee that it will but it’s either you move on, or try doing no contact period and improve yourself

  22. Laura - 0

    Laura

    My boyfriend of 7 months broke up withon dec 11th.he said he dont feel the same.he is no a dateing site i told him i wanted him back and he said he dont.5 days after we broke up i told him i loved him he said it back.i still love him and want him what should i do.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Laura,

      do you want to try the no contact rule?

  23. Lori - 0

    Lori

    After dating my ex for a month, he just stopped texting or calling. He reads my texts but doesn’t reply. On new years eve, he decided to block me on whatsapp but didn’t unfriend on fb. I unfriend him, mistake after reading the article of not. I’m doing the NC right now but after showing how he’s so inlove with me and then just stopped, I just don’t get it. We didn’t even fight.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Lori,

      before you got back together, why dod you break up and how long were you broken up?

  24. Sarah - 0

    Sarah

    Hello!

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me on the day before New Years. Not only is the break up hard, but I’ve moved towns for him, and after him encouraging I also moved jobs closer to where we were living. In the area I only have 1 friend and no family. I started the no contact rule after our last conversation on New Year’s Day. I’m lucky to have that 1 friend who is allowing me to stay at here until I figure out what I’m going to do. I packed most of my things but there are still a fair few things I need to get from our house. These are things just like extra clothes, small belongings and text books which I need for uni which starts again in feb. When should I go to the house to collect these items without breaking the no contact rule? I’m in no hurry but he’s a bit of an idiot and I’m just worried about those things left there, and don’t want him throwing them away. I can usually guess what time he usually isn’t home. Should I go in when he’s not there? I still have keys and I’m on the lease. Thank you!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Sarah,

      why did he break up with you? If you can get it without seeing him better..it’s ok to talk about your stuff during nc, as long as it’s only about those

  25. Sherry - 0

    Sherry

    My ex-boyfriend and I are older (51 and 48) and started out pretty hot and heavy about 6 months ago after meeting on eHarmony. We are VERY similar (matched between 96 and 100% on all categories by eHarmony) and love to crack each other up. He talked pretty early about moving in (eventually) and marriage (“unless something MAJOR happens”). (This would be his 3rd marriage and my first.) Unfortunately, we both experienced about 3 months of VERRRRRRY stressful time (work mostly) and we had less time for each other (we even went over 4 weeks without having sex because he was SO exhausted–genuinely!). I thought that once things settled down (in December, but then there is Christmas!), we would regain our connection and time for each other. We took our first vacation together, but it was uncomfortable for me and it wasn’t very romantic, despite being in a very beautiful, mountainous, romantic setting. When I asked him about his distant behavior, he said I was “reading too much into it.” When we got home and talked about it (New Year’s day after playing tennis and laughing/hanging out having fun!), he said maybe we are too much alike because, although we still have AMAZING sex, he feels like I’m more like a friend (or even a sister–ugh!). We jointly and amicably split up because, despite my belief that we could regain the passion we once had, he didn’t believe he would change his mind (he said he had “thought” about it for several weeks). He asked if I’d still like to be friends and I said, “The girl in me says yes, but the psychologist (yes, I’m a psychologist!) in me says that won’t likely work,” since our future partners aren’t likely to appreciate us spending time with an ex, even as a friend. We hugged goodbye and I heard him take two quick breaths (like he was crying, although I didn’t see any real tears). As he walked out to his car, I told him I loved him and after a couple second hesitation, he looked back and said, “I love you, too, Sherry” and got in his car and drove away. The next day (as expected), I stalked his FB page and saw that I was no longer his friend or following him (I’m not sure how the following thing works, honestly). I thought long and hard about it for two days and (before I found Ex-boyfriend Recovery) decided to write him a brief e-mail saying that since we are basically in the same field and have SO much in common, I felt I made a hasty move (as my brain was BUZZING from the fact that he wasn’t willing to try to fix things) and would of course like to be friends, since I generally enjoy smart and funny people for friends. I sent this Tuesday morning and haven’t heard a reply 2 days later. I read information from your pages about NC and what to do on my FB page and how to focus on my own self (I posted that I’m returning to ballroom dance lessons and plan to post a pic when I play tennis tonight). So, my question is:

    What do I do if HE is doing NC to ME???

    I don’t feel overly anxious (well, not as much as I usually would in this situation) and know that he will see all the fun I’m having on my FB posts. I have to believe that he will remember how much fun we had and how much we have in common, but if he never contacts me, I guess NC doesn’t work! Should I EVER contact him (after a month or two)? Any advice??? Thank you!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Sherry,

      If he doing the nc rule, that means he wants you back because after it he would have to build rapport. But I think what you mean is that he’s ghosting you. There’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but it wouldn’t be nice to keep messaging you when it’s apparent that he’s ignoring you. And I think what he meant with what he said is that there is no mystery in you, because you two are too alike. He can’t see you as someone intriguing enough to make him interested and chase you.

  26. PS 0708 - 0

    PS 0708

    I met this guy and we fell for each other pretty fast. I asked him if he was ready as I am not ready for a heart break again ( lost a lot of my family recently). He was sweet and understanding. Made me believe that he won’t break my heart and he is ready for a relationship (he came out of a 5 year old live in relationship 7-8months ago). But after 2 months of staying together and having fun. One fine day he starts behaving distant ( his ex gf got pregnant) and when I asked about it he said he wasn’t giving me anything. He is struggling with his career yada yada. And when I asked him what does he want he.said he isn’t ready for a relationship. I was heart broken. But in a couple hours I calmed down and forgave him. I told him what he is going through. ( I really do) he wants to be in touch with me still. Should I talk to him or just move on. I thought he was the one. ( We broke up a week ago)

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI PS 0708,

      he got his ex pregnant? For me, you should move on because you said it yourself, you thought he was the one, which means now you know he’s not. So, why would you stay?

  27. Kay - 0

    Kay

    If you are in no contact and your ex is sending you snapchats should you not open them?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kay

      not really but it would be better if you dont open them

  28. Rose - 0

    Rose

    my ex bf wished me for happy new year like at 2:30 am on the 31/12 ( not yet New Year’s Eve ) it wasn’t a cold msg
    I wished him back too ( not a cold msg as well ) and I don’t know if I did wrong but I asked about him, he answered but he didn’t ask about me as I said hope always he said assuming I’m good ” you more as well ” the conversation stopped here ( I got pissed), then he liked my nye’s pic on insta .-.
    In fact on the 3rd of dec he sent a heart on instamsg then unsend it so I asked if he sent anything he was like nothing just wanted to say thanks for the support I welcomed and that’s was the conversation
    And On the 28th oct I tried contacting him after 4 months of NC but I was cold formal, he tried to break the ice by calling me with my nickname; I remained cold so he ignored me.

    im wondering what is this ? What should I do?

    Ps i have improved so much since the break up

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Rose,
      it does mean you cross his mind but what do you want? If you want to build rapport, do it through texts and calls first. If you want to move on, ignore him

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