Welcome to the ultimate Guide in understanding how to use the No Contact Rule after a breakup.

In short, the No Contact Rule is about shutting down communications with an ex for a certain period of time such that you create space for each other allowing for healing, self recovery, and an opportunity for both of you to potentially come back together as a couple.

In some circles, this all encompassing strategy is also referred to as implementing Radio Silence with your ex boyfriend.

I guess we could also call it shutting down all communications or going quiet.

I suppose we could even describe it as giving your ex the silent treatment.  Or if we take it a step further,  the No Contact Rule could also be described as refusing to talk and communicate with your boyfriend on every level for the sake of your own recovery and eventually getting him back.

Guess what we are going to do!

We are going to dig into this much talked about, but poorly understood concept.  I consider it one of the most effective rules you may want to embrace during the Post Breakup Period.

And I want to be very clear about something:

This isn’t some lame “does the no contact rule work?” post that I just slapped together in fifteen minutes.

It is so much more than that!

What Is The No Contact Rule Really All About?

People want to know if this non communication strategy really works.

Will it work for me” is the most frequent question men and women have about using Radio Silence as a breakup strategy. People expect to learn what it is, what it can do for them, and how and why it works.

People want to know “what should I do if I break the no contact rule?

Many who hear about it’s usefulness in helping get an boyfriend back often are curious about why it is so effective and how long it will take to work.  Clients will ask me, “my boyfriend is really stubborn.  Are you sure the no contact rule work on him?”

I get men and women everyday confessing to me that they didn’t implement the Radio Silence Treatment correctly.  They will tell me they broke off Radio Silence early.  They want to know if by breaking no contact, did they screw up and will they still get him back.  They will ask if they should start it all over again.

So as you can see, there are just so many questions.  I think you deserve answers because how else can you optimize your chances of getting him back, right?

Well, you have come to the right place, my friend!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Does Ignoring Your Ex Really Work?

With this Guide you’re going to learn everything that I’ve discovered from my 10+ years of working with clients who’ve used the No Contact Rule to success after a breakup.

So, if you’re looking to utilize a break up recovery strategy and are hoping that it will help you get through this difficult time, then you’re going to need a comprehensive and instructive Guide.

I am going to give you that and much more.

But first, let’s explore the big picture of how the NC rule can make a huge difference in improving your chances of getting your ex back.

This first section of my Guide will offer you 10 Novel Reasons Why Ignoring Your Ex Can Work To Your Advantage.

This concept has the potential of helping you get your ex boyfriend back a whole lot faster than you could imagine.

If you think it’s all over and fear that your ex boyfriend will never want to see or speak to you again, well guess what?

You have a secret ex recovery weapon!

10 Intriguing Benefits of Not Talking To Your Ex Anymore

1. Stop The Bleeding Caused By the Break Up.

It hurts like hell when your ex boyfriend breaks up with you.  Heck, it’s painful as heck even if you initiate the break up.  However it all went down, chances are you and your boyfriend’s nerves are shot.  Your emotions are probably on edge and if there isn’t some relief soon, what is left of the relationship is likely to implode.  So Radio Silence is like a circuit breaker.  You are kicking off the communications and creating some space so you and your boyfriend can breathe on your own again.

2.  Implementing Radio Silence Helps Your Ex Boyfriend Experience Some Healing.

If you want to optimize your chances over the long run, you need to separate from your ex boyfriend in the short run for a lot of reasons, least of which is your ex boyfriend needs to get better.  He might be acting like an angry bully or may be undergoing serious emotional difficulties.  Depression may be setting in.  His inability to cope with these new emotions makes him unapproachable.  And if you try to reach out to your ex during this emotional packed time, do so at your own risk!  So allow him some time to navigate through his stages of grief.

3.  Hey, What About Your Own Healing After a Break Up?

That’s right.  You too need to get your emotions centered, so healing is a two way street.  Neither of your are going to be of much good to the other during most stages of the post break up period.  You might agree to go your separate ways amicably, but later those feelings of rejection, resentment, anger and all the rest are going to descend upon you.  Getting through all that will take you some time.

4. The No Contact Rule Allows You To Reset The Relationship After The Breakup

Somewhere along the way, you and your boyfriend blew up the relationship. There can be tons of reasons for that.  By using Radio Silence right after the break-up, you are in effect resetting the Breakup Clock.  The old relationship is dead.  Now you are in the post break up period.  The idea though is to work through this period to do a lot of things that will allow you to reset the Relationship and hopefully come at it in a better way, armed with greater knowledge and insights.

5. Ignoring Your Ex Allows You To Create Attraction

When you buy my eBooks, you learn all about how to maximize the No Contact Period such that you are doing things not just for your own self recovery (healing), but also taking many steps to rebuild attraction and plant seeds of arousal.

6. Rolling Out Your NC Strategy Allows You To Create a Self Recovery Plan

There are two sides to the after breakup period.  Like two sides of a coin. There is the part where you do things to optimize your chances to win your ex boyfriend back.  Then there are things that you do for yourself to get better in all aspects of your life.  I refer to this as optimizing your Holy Trinity of improving your health, wealth, and relationships.  And the wonderful thing about it is by doing this for yourself, you give yourself protection in the event you never get your ex boyfriend back.  You will have so much more balance and perspective about your place in life.  And interestingly, this side of the coin (self recovery) helps you with the other side of the coin (creating attraction and interest from your ex boyfriend).

7. Going Silent With Your Ex Boyfriend Gives You Time To Rebuild Your Confidence

There is not much worse than feeling discarded and rejected and disappointed by your ex boyfriend, over and over again.  It can take its toll in your personal confidence department.  So use this time of Radio Silence wisely, and focus on things that will rebuild your confidence and sense of self value.  Remember, it is ultimately your ex boyfriend’s loss if he can’t find his way back to you.  That is not on you.  You will execute your plan and he will have his opportunities, but whatever happens, you can hold your head up high and walk with confidence.

8. Using the No Contact Rule Helps You With Enhancing Your Value

One of the things I talk about in all my eBooks is the importance of striving to become the Ungettable Girl.  This is where you focus on not just becoming the best version of yourself, but you seek to be everything your ex boyfriend may have imagined as his dream girlfriend, except he can’t quite have you right now.  That is the place you want to arrive and there are many tactics you can draw upon to get there.

9. By Ending Contact With Your Ex Boyfriend It Open Your Eyes To Other Paths and Alternatives

Right now you are probably thinking of your ex boyfriend with great intensity.  It might be fair to say your are obsessed with thoughts about him and what he did and why it didn’t work out and how you can get him back just as quickly as possible.  But some of my clients, once they have gone through the entire No Contact Rule period, will come out the other side with an entirely different perspective of what they want.  And it may not be their ex boyfriend that they want to return to.  It may be something new you will want.  You may come to appreciate that your ex boyfriend’s spell over you has ended and he is not what you need after all.

10.  Once You Pick Up One Of My eBooks and Start In On Ending Communications With Your Ex, You Will Learn About Psychological Reactance.

Don’t you just love fancy scientific sounding words!  Well, this one actually works.  Indeed, just the fact that you are shutting down communications with your ex boyfriend plays well with this psychological principle.  In short, it goes like this.  Your boyfriend is not use to not getting what he wants.  The more your deprive him of contact, the greater his desire will be to regain that which he lost.

How To Get Your Ex Back With The No Contact Rule

Get your ex back with no contact

Now it’s time to dig in deeper into the subject of using Radio Silence on your ex boyfriend. If you want to use the No Contact Rule to get your ex back then there are really seven key things that you need to grasp.  They include:

  1. Understand how this Radio Silence Principle Works!
  2. Figure out how long you should make use of this strategy of not contacting your ex boyfriend
  3. Implement this Non Communication Strategy by harnessing a two pronged approach
  4. Embark on “The Holy Trinity” during this period of avoiding your ex
  5. Understand the cases where you can break the No Contact Period early
  6. Know when NOT to use Radio Silence with your boyfriend
  7. Understand how these  important concepts link together and why staying disciplined is important

The end…

No, I’m just kidding.

Buckle up because this is going to be one heck of a ride teaching you everything you need to know to be a success.

1. Understand How Refusing To Communicate With Your Ex Can Work Wonders

Understand what the no contact rule is.

If you are familiar with my work on Ex Boyfriend Recovery then you would know that I often like to compare getting an ex back to a puzzle.

It just so happens that the no contact rule is the largest piece of that puzzle.

What do you see?

puzzle-graphic
It’s a puzzle that is divided into two sections.

The top section

&

The bottom section

Now, let’s pretend that the top section of the puzzle is considered to be “the no contact rule” and the bottom part of the puzzle is considered to be the rest of the “ex recovery” strategy that I teach on this site.

puzzle-graphic-2

And in order to successfully get your ex back you need to merge the two puzzle pieces.

In other words, you can’t just rely on one side of the puzzle to do the work for you. I have noticed that over the years that people who come to this site always seem to be under the impression that all they need to do to win their ex back is implement the no contact rule.

That’s not true.

Yes, the no contact rule may, without a doubt, be the most important aspect of ex recovery but it isn’t going to get you over the finish line alone.

Why would I tell you this?

I want you to manage your expectations going in to reading this article. I want you to understand that there is still more work after this.

Now, I also don’t want to give off the impression that the no contact rule is easy.

It’s not.

But perhaps I should stop rambling and start explaining.

I enjoy making things as simple as possible for people and that’s what I am going to do here.

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

Now, I said I was going to make this as easy as possible for you to understand so let’s break this definition down piece by piece.

Let’s start with this part,

Cut off all communication

There is nothing too out of the ordinary here.

Cutting off all communication means that you don’t talk to your ex at all in any way shape or form.

Well… this isn’t exactly true all the time (as I will teach you later) but for now just roll with it.

If your ex texts you, you ignore them.

If they call you… Yup, you ignore them.

Ignore..

Ignore…

IGNORE….

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

OK, the next part of our definition is,

For a certain amount of time

Of course, in order to explain this I think we are actually going to have to move on to concept number two.

2. How Long You Should Avoid Contacting Your Ex Boyfriend

figure out how long your no contact should be

One of the most popular questions that I get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is,

“Chris, how long should my no contact rule last for?”

It’s a good question because it depends wholly on your situation. You see, I used to claim that everyone should stick to a very basic 30 day rule. In other words, if you were going to try the no contact rule you should ignore your ex for a month.

But experience has taught me that this isn’t always the best practice.

For some situations 30 days may be too long and for others it may not be long enough.

That’s why you will see me recommending three different time frames when it comes to the no contact rule,

  1. The 21 Day Rule
  2. The 30 Day Rule
  3. The 45 Day Rule

Now, each of these rules have a different purpose.

So, what I would like to do now is help you determine which of these time frames is ideal for you.

(Side Note: There are pros and cons to each of these rules. So, consider everything before you pick one.)

The 21 Day Period Can Work For Some Breakup Situations

The 21 day rule is the shortest rule that I am willing to recommend here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. It’s perfect for those situations where you think your ex is going to freak out if you ignore them.

Some think its the sweet spot.  Sometimes you can adapt your period as I discuss in my BEST SELLING No Contact Rule Book!

Let me give you an example.

Imagine that you were to use the no contact rule on your ex and you got a string of text messages that looked like this,

txt-1

I have found that it’s counter productive to continue ignoring an ex for too long when you are getting the type of messages you want to be seeing from them.

But that leads us to an interesting question.

What if you aren’t getting the type of responses you want to see from an ex?

What if they freak out but not in a good way?

text-2

Well, then the 21 day rule isn’t going to be ideal.

Instead, you may want to look into the 30 or 45 day rule.

Speaking of the 30 day rule…

The 30 Day Period Is A Good Balance of Creating the Effect You Want With Most Guys

The 30 day no contact rule is what I like to call the basic no contact rule.

In other words, it should be your ideal starting point.

Take a look at the graphic I put together for you below:

starting-point

This graphic is meant to represent what I want every person who does the no contact rule to do.

I want them to start off by doing a 30 day rule and then based on how their ex reacts to the no contact rule I want them to adapt.

So, let’s say that you are doing the no contact rule on your ex and you receive the positive messages that you received above with the 21 day rule:

txt-1

But this doesn’t just happen once.

No, this is the third time something like this has started to happen.

Well, in that case then you probably want to move your 30 day rule to a 21 day rule:

starting-point-copy

Of course, the opposite is true if you receive negative text messages.

If that ends up happening then you probably want to turn your 30 day rule into a 45 day rule:

starting-point-copy-2

Let’s move on and talk a little more in-depth about the 45 day no contact rule.

The 45 Day Period Is About As Far You Want To Go

45 days is the longest I am willing to recommend for a no contact rule.

I know that may shock some of you who are familiar with what other experts recommend but there is a reason for why I don’t think a no contact period should ever last longer than 45 days.

On average how long do you think it takes a human being to break a habit?

According to research, 66 days.

So technically speaking it may only take your ex 66 days to get out of the habit of thinking about you. Now, can you imagine if you flat out ignored your ex for 90 days and then all of a sudden out of the blue you texted them.

Wouldn’t that be weird?

They may already be over you and you may not even have a chance at getting them back.

But lets move on from talking about time frames for a second and keep defining the no contact rule,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery,

Hmm… I think this one deserves it’s own section to be honest with you.

3. Implement Using A Two Pronged Strategy

the two pronged a

The way I teach the no contact rule versus the way other experts out there teach it is a little different.

Take a look at the graphic below,

two-prongs

This is how I teach the no contact rule.

You see, the no contact rule gives everyone who uses it an opportunity to implement a two pronged strategy.

  • Prong One = Making An Ex Miss You
  • Prong Two = Facilitates Recovery

Lets talk about each of the prongs for a bit first.

NC Prong One (Making Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You)

If you were to ask any person what their ideal outcome would be if they were to use the no contact rule it would be that their ex goes so crazy over being ignored that they want to get back together as soon as possible.

In other words, their ex would exhibit the behavior of someone who misses a lover.

And I am not going to lie, the no contact rule does do this.

This is one of the BIGGEST assets of implementing the no contact rule which I cover in great detail in my best selling eBook, “THE NO CONTACT RULE BOOK.

However, it’s rare for an ex to ask you to get back together so I wouldn’t really bank on it. What I will say is that the no contact rule can drastically increase the chances of making an ex miss you and their is scientific proof backing this up.

Have you ever heard of psychological reactance?

No?

“Psychological Reactance is defined as a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioral freedoms. Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or her choices or limiting the range of alternatives.”

Now, that may have been a lot to swallow if you weren’t a psychology major so allow me to break it down.

Psychological reactance assumes that there are a set number of freedoms that a person has. However, when one of those freedoms is taken away the person will react to it. Usually in a way where they try to re-obtain that freedom.

So, let’s look at what’s happening here.

By ignoring your ex you are denying them certain freedoms (the freedom to talk to you.) So, according to psychological reactance they are going to react in a way to try to try to get that freedom back.

Think of it like this.

Let’s say I offer my daughter a cookie and she accepts it.

A simple premise, right?

Let’s shake things up.

Now let’s say that I offer my daughter a cookie and right when she reaches for it I end up taking it away and placing it on a nearby table.

(I am definitely a horrible parent 🙁 .)

What do you think she is going to do?

Well, she understands on a basic level that her freedom to have that cookie has just been taken away and she is going to do everything in her power to get it.

That’s psychological reactance at work.

Her freedom to have the cookie was just taken away and as a result she behaved in a way to get it back.

NC Prong Two (Facilitating A Recovery)

I am a little appalled of how little people talk about the second prong of the no contact rule.

Why?

Because in my opinion it’s the most powerful aspect of NC.

Think about it, in the end all you can do is influence your ex to feel a certain way. Truthfully, you don’t have any control over what they think or the actions they take.

However, when it comes to prong two you have complete control because prong two focuses heavily on you.

Think of it this way,

facilitate-recovery

By facilitating a recovery you are going to become more confident in yourself. As you grow more confident in yourself you are going to appear more attractive towards the people around you.

That includes your ex.

Such was the case for Natalie, the woman featured in episode of three of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast (https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/episode3/). You see, she ended up moving on a facilitated a recovery.

The result = Her ex ended up contacting her and hitting on her.

But this begs an interesting question.

How do you facilitate a recovery?

Well, you want to utilize what I call “The Holy Trinity.”

4. Embark On The Holy Trinity

the holy trinity in no contact

It’s actually three things.

Health, wealth and relationships.

I’ll tell you what. I am going to go put together a report for you explaining this.

One sec….

OK, here you go,

(Holy Trinity)

This book will explain the basics of “The Holy Trinity.”

In a nutshell, you can divide the most important aspects of your life into these three categories.

Well, during the no contact rule you want to only be doing things that positively impact these three aspects of your life.

I talk about this briefly in the holy trinity report.

But here’s something I don’t talk about in the report.

The three aspects of the holy trinity are interconnected. What affects one aspect will end up affecting the other aspects.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say that you lose your job. Thus, your “wealth” category is negatively impacted,

negative-wealth

Common sense, right?

But as a result of losing your job you become very depressed and your “mental health” becomes impacted,

negative-health

With your “mental health” compromised you begin to take your frustrations out on your significant other and as a result they break up with you,

negative-relationships

All in all, everything gets impacted negatively. It’s like quicksand. One bad thing happens and everything gets pulled down with it. However, if we are going to buy into this theory of everything being connected that also means that when something positive happens to one of the aspects everything else gets impacted as well in a positive way.

For example, let’s say that you start working out and look the best you have ever looked before,

positive-health

As a result you gain more confidence and end up doing great in a job interview and get a new job,

positive-wealth

With more confidence and a great new job word gets around and eventually reaches your ex who looks at you in a whole new light,

positive-relationships

What impacts one aspect of the holy trinity will impact the others in some way, shape or form. Remember this as you aim to facilitate your recovery. Now, I am going to talk a lot about the holy trinity when I talk about the “no contact rule” calendar later.

For now, let’s move on and talk about the other aspect of facilitating a recovery.

Facilitating A Recovery Within Your Ex

I have a simple question for you.

Do you think you will have a better chance of getting your ex back if they are angry at you or if they are a little calmer?

Calmer, right?

Well, the other great thing about facilitating your own recovery from the breakup is that it gives your ex a chance to facilitate their own recovery from the breakup.

Why do you want them to recover from the breakup?

Well, because it’s going to allow them to be more rational for when the time finally comes for you to reach out to them.

But we will talk about that later.

Now that you have a good idea of what the no contact rule entails let’s turn our attention to a very common question that we get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery,

“Can I ever break the no contact rule?”

5. Understand The Cases Where You Can End No Contact

know when to break no contact early

This is one of those things that I constantly get asked.

Seriously, I must have been asked this at least 500 times.

Originally I was of the mindset that you shouldn’t ever break the no contact rule. In fact, I think if you go to (this article link) you will notice that I say just that. However, lets say you find yourself in a scenario where you are doing the no contact rule and your ex texts you with something like this,

i-want-you-back

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

Well, according to my earlier advice you wouldn’t be able to.

Do you see the flaw with that type of thinking?

I am all about adapting and updating which is why I no longer think it’s necessary to stay in a no contact rule given the right circumstances.

Now, the keyword there is “right circumstances.”

One of the sad facts that I have learned about the people who visit my website is that if I give them a little bit of leeway they will take advantage of that. In other words, if I sit here and tell you that you can break the no contact rule early an idea gets planted in your head where you may potentially look for any reason to break it early.

Which is why I am very strict about the rules you can utilize to break the no contact rule early.

There are seven factors that you need to look at when determining whether or not you can break the no contact rule early.

Those seven factors are,

  1. How long you were in the relationship with your ex for?
  2. How many days have passed since you started the no contact rule?
  3. How many times have you broken up with this person before?
  4. Where are you in your own personal recovery?
  5. What was the cause of the break up?
  6. Who initiated the break up?
  7. How many positive communications have you received from your ex since starting the no contact rule?

Let’s take each data point and talk a bit about it.

I believe you will be better prepared to make a decision on which “road” to take, if you understand each piece of the puzzle. Only then can you fit them together and see what picture emerges.

You see, there is a synergistic relationship between these 7 data points. They need to be evaluated and considered together as a whole.

Sort like the 3 Musketeers!

(Even though D’Artagnan is never counted.)

You know…one for all and all for one!

Except in this case, we have the 7 Musketeers!

Factor One: How Long Were You In A Relationship With Your Ex For?

This can be a useful data point because if you have been involved with your Ex for a lengthy period of time, then this history between the two of you should give you some valuable insight on how to approach the situation.

If the history reveals a relationship plagued with many conflicts and multiple breakups, then you should take note of this pattern. It is probably telling you something. You may benefit more from staying on course with your No Contact strategy.

Then we have the situation in which the relationship was only weeks or a few months in duration.

Relatively speaking, that is not a very long time to build a solid foundation.

Breaking up after such a short time, suggests that something is not working out for one or both partners. In such a situation, making an exception and ending your No Contact is probably not a good idea.

Maybe things will work out.

Maybe not.

But I would think long and hard before breaking off the No Contact.

Factor Two: How many days have passed since you started?

If you hear from your ex on day 5 of your No Contact Period, it may be too early to make an exception.

While not a “deal breaker”, since all of these data points need to be considered as a whole, you should know that your ex reaching out to you so soon may be more to do with their “rebound emotions”.

You both may need more time to sort things out on your own, before you try to do it together.

Now on the other hand, if your ex reaches out to you on day 26 of your 30 day No Contact Period, I would be inclined to recommend you consider ending “No Contact” and exploring what is on their mind.

Unless, of course, your ex was spewing some nasty venom.

Which leads us to the next factor.

Factor Three: What Is Your Track Record With Your Ex?

If you guys have had multiple breakups in the past, then it probably is not in your best interest to make an exception.

The on again, off again relationship cycle is not healthy.

Where on the other hand, if you guys have been pretty solid in the past, that bodes well for your future.

Maybe you can cut short your No Contact Period on the strength of this factor and other data points.

Factor Four: Where Are You In Your Personal Recovery

Are you truly ready to talk to your ex again?

How much time has gone by since you last spoke?

How far along are you in your No Contact Period?

The more time that has gone by, the better, because it takes TIME to heal.

Have you been able to set aside the angry and resentful feelings you may have had following the breakup?

Do you feel you have progressed emotionally in other ways?

Are your drawing closer to becoming the best version of yourself?

Can you honestly say you have learned something meaningful about yourself?

These are the kind of things you need to think about. The last thing you want is to try to re-enter your relationship when your wounds have not healed.

Factor Five: What Caused The Breakup

If your ex cheated on you, then I am not an advocate of ending the No Contact Period early. Not unless all of the other Data Points are strongly and positively in place.

When weighing whether an exception should be made, one really needs to put a lot of weight on what caused the breakup.

Ask yourself, how severe and ugly was the ending of the relationship?

The more severe, the longer one should stay with No Contact. Breakups can be damaging and both parties need to time heal.

All breakups are going to hurt, no matter the degree of severity.

But it is usually easier to spring back from breakups if they did not cause considerable spite, anger, and hate.

Factor Six: Who Initiated The Breakup

The forces of “personal power” play a role during and after the relationship.

If you initiated the breakup, you have more personal power, at least on this matter.

But be careful with power.

It can go straight to your head in a matter of speaking, but you may not be thinking with the right side of your brain.

If you are feeling really cocky and confident about this new development of your ex reaching out to you, you may not be in the right place “emotionally” to properly gauge your situation.

Now, if your ex initiated the breakup and is now reaching out, you still need to weigh things carefully. On its surface, it may appear that the balance of personal power has swayed to your favor. Perhaps, your ex realizes they made a mistake.

Just tread carefully. In other words,

You Initiating The Breakup > Your Ex Initiating The Breakup

Factor Seven: How Many Positive Communications Did You Receive?

I saved the best and most important data point, for last! This is why I call it the Golden Factor.

What you should be looking for are multiple positive messages sent by your ex to you. One attempt to communicate, even if it’s made in the most positive way, is usually not enough, particularly if the other data points are not favorable.

When an ex reaches out to you and tells you something really nice and pleasant, that demonstrates good faith. If it is repeated, that shows the person probably really cares. If you receive a few more communications, that demonstrates a persistence.

As long as those messages sent to you have a positive energy, that bodes well for you.

Now if you get bombarded with negative message after negative message, to a point where it seems like your ex is obsessing….well, that is not a good thing.

If that happens, I would suggest you ignore those many obsessive contacts.

Positive contact can come in multiple forms.

It could be text messages. It could be emails. It could be phone messages. It could be old fashioned letters. It could be a message in a bottle. It could be a bouquet of flowers or a gift with a card.

Hell, it can even be on Facebook or Snapchat.

The main thing is that such messages need to number more than one.

They need to be positive, friendly and respectful. And they need to occur within a brief period of time (e.g. over a few days, perhaps over a week).

What if they show up at your door?

Don’t fall for it the first time around. Be nice and tell them you need more time. If this happens a few times and your ex conducted themselves respectfully, well, an exception may be in order.

Remember, I said it may be in order! You need to look at all of the data points and judge whether you wish to end your No Contact Period.
Is there any magic number of data points which have to be met, before you make an Exception?

Yes, and that leads me to my next point.

The Rule Of Four When Dealing With Breaking No Contact

Do you remember above when I mentioned that if I give people too much leeway they will take advantage of it and look for any excuse to break the no contact rule.

Well, that’s what the rule of four is meant for.

There are a total of seven factors that you need to look at if you are considering ending the no contact rule early. Well, what if I told you that you only needed four of those factors to break it.

It’s just that one of those factors has to be the “golden factor,”

The Golden Factor = Receiving Multiple Positive Communications From Your Ex

For example, let’s say that you have checked off every other factor except the golden one.

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

No, the golden factor is essential for breaking no contact early.

But what if you have the golden factor but you don’t get any of the other factors?

Can you break no contact?

No, obtaining three other factors is just as essential as obtaining the golden factor.

That’s the rule of four.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

6. Know When NOT To Use The No Contact Principle

when NOT to use the no contact rule

This is where things tend to get a bit more complicated. You see, in addition to understanding the rules for breaking the no contact rule early (which I am just going to tell you upfront is very rare) you will also need to understand that there are going to be certain situations that you may find yourself that will require you to alter the no contact rule.

(One of my comrades in arms, Brad Browning has written a pretty great resource on the no contact rule so I encourage you to check it out if you want additional help.)

Now, altering a no contact period is completely different than breaking it.

What’s the difference?

Altering No Contact = You are still technically under the no contact period you just might be playing with a slightly different set of rules.

Breaking No Contact = You should be advancing to the next phase of the strategy to get your ex back.

Now, there are actually a lot of different situations that may make you alter your no contact rule BUT I don’t have the time to list out each and every one of them.

Instead, I thought that it would be best if I just listed out the 6 most common alterations I see people having to make,

  • If Children Are Involved
  • If You Work With Them
  • If You Live With Them
  • If You Go To School With Them
  • If You Unexpectedly Run Into Them
  • The Item Exchange

Now, since this is Ex Boyfriend Recovery and we are committed to creating the best content in the world relating to exes we are going to go above and beyond for you by teaching you the alterations you are going to have to make for each of these situations.

Let’s start from the top.

1. The Alterations You Need To Make If Children Are Involved

This is always a difficult situation to alter because more often than not if you and your ex share a child you are going to be living together (which we will talk about next.)

So, rather than addressing what to do about the living situation let’s talk about what to do if you decide to use the no contact rule on your ex and they send you something like this,

child-text

Oh, and in case you couldn’t read between the lines “Carter” is your kid.

How do you deal with this?

OK, here is my rule for when it comes to communicating about kids during no contact.

The Rule: You can break no contact to talk about the kids and that’s it. After you interaction about the kids is over you are going right back into no contact.

Pretty simple, right?

Well, things get a bit more complicated when you take into account that more often than not if you share a child with your ex you are probably living together.

How the hell are you supposed to handle no contact?

2. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Work With Your Ex

There are two words I want you to get very familiar with.

Strictly Business!

Now, it’s important to remember that the goal here isn’t to p*ss off your ex and that can definitely happen if you work together and completely ignore him. Instead, I don’t want you to initiate any conversations with him. Let him initiate all the conversations and if he does then keep the conversation short and sweet.

The only fly in the ointment, so to speak, is if your have to communicate due to a work related activity.

In that case make sure the scope of the conversation is STRICTLY BUSINESS!

In other words, if you are talking about something business related that is completely fine but if he veers off and starts talking about something “non business related” then I want you to subtly redirect him to talking about business.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

3. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Live With Your Ex

I am just going to be blunt with you.

The no contact rule is always going to be more effective if you aren’t living with your ex. That’s just the way it is and anyone who tells you anything differently is lying straight to your face.

BUT the no contact rule can still be effective if you live with the person so don’t go into a depression just yet.

It’s just that it isn’t going to be as effective.

So, what’s the rule regarding living with your ex?

The Rule: If it’s possible move out.

Now, the keyword that you want to look at there is “IF IT’S POSSIBLE.”

If moving out isn’t an option then don’t do it. Don’t worry, I have a specific strategy that you should employ but before I let you in on that I want to put my money where my mouth is.

Meet Jessica,

jessica

Jessica is someone who I personally worked with on Facebook.

I advised her to enter into a 21 day no contact period and also to move out of the house she was staying at with her ex boyfriend.

She did exactly what I said and when it was all said and done she had her ex chasing her and begging for her back. Oh, and he proposed.

This alteration produces results.

But let’s say that you can’t move out. Let’s say it’s not an option.

What do you do then?

Simple, you are going to act as cordial as possible when you do see your ex so they don’t think you are a d*ck but you NEVER want to start a conversation. Hmm…. perhaps this would work better as an example.

OK, let’s pretend that you are dating me!

(I’m pretty awesome, I know!)

We are living together and you decide you want to utilize the no contact rule.

One day I come home from work (because in this example I am a high powered business man 😉 ) and I look pretty stressed. Every fiber of your being is going to want to ask me a simple question,

“Are you OK?”

Or

“How was your day?”

But you aren’t allowed to.

Why?

Because you are in the midst of a no contact rule.

Now let’s answer one of the most asked questions I get about this situation.

Let’s say that instead of me looking stressed and angry when I come home that particular day I look pretty happy and I even go as far as to ask you how your day was.

What do you do?

Most women make the mistake of thinking that they should ignore their exes at this point.

That’s a mistake because that will just create more animosity between the two of you and that’s the last thing we want. Instead, the best way to handle this situation is to engage me in a conversation but keep it short and sweet.

The idea is not to linger too long.

4. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Go To School With Your Ex

Out of all the alterations I talk about in this section this is probably the easiest one to grasp.

In fact, the alteration here pretty much boils down to two steps.

Step One: Avoid your ex

Step Two: If it’s impossible to avoid them then keep it short and sweet

So, let’s talk about these steps really quick.

I want you to avoid your ex at school at all costs. Yes, I realize some mumbo jumbo expert out there may disagree with me but believe me when I say that this is for your own good.

Why?

Well, because I have often found that people will look for any conceivable excuse to “bump into their exes.”

But let’s assume you are in a situation where “step one” is impossible.

Let’s say that you are in the exact same class as your ex and it’s pretty much impossible to avoid them. Well, in that case I want you to keep everything short and sweet.

What do I mean by that?

Well, for starters I don’t want you to start any conversations with your ex. However, let’s say that your ex starts a conversation with you (like my example above when you live with an ex.)

Well, keep everything short and sweet.

Engage them but don’t engage them fully.

Be nice but not too nice.

Short and sweet.

That’s the name of the game.

5. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Unexpectedly Run Into Your Ex Boyfriend

Imagine for a moment that you are walking down the street and all of a sudden you see your ex…

You panic…

You get that deer in the headlights look…

And you pull a “Kramer,”

a-kramer

Now, do you think that is the proper way to utilize the no contact rule in this situation?

No…

Absolutely not.

Instead, the correct move here is to walk up to your ex, say hi and leave it at that.

Less is more…

Now, before we move on to the final alteration I do have one thing to say. DON’T GO LOOKING TO RUN INTO YOUR EX ON PURPOSE! If you do that and they catch on to what you are doing then without a doubt you are going to appear to be desperate and that is going to have the opposite effect of what you are supposed to do.

6. Alterations You Need To Make For An Item or Possessions Exchange With Your Ex

Ah, and here it is…

The ultimate no contact question that I get asked on pretty much a daily basis.

“Chris, am I allowed to break the no contact rule if my ex has items that I want back?”

 

“What about if my ex asks me for their things?”

OK, let’s tackle the easy one first.

If your ex asks for their things back then you have to give them their stuff back. No if’s, ands or buts about it.Therefore, you are allowed to break the no contact rule but just in this one instance. After the items are exchanged then I want you to go right back into the no contact rule.

How do you handle the interaction when you are exchanging things?

Good question.

Generally you want it to be short and sweet.

This isn’t a time to linger and relive the worst or best parts of your relationship.

Get in, exchange items and get out.

Simple…

Now, lets tackle the more difficult question.

What if your ex has something of yours that you want back. How do you handle that?

Well, the first question I would ask you is how important is it to you?

If we are talking “toothbrush level” type stuff then I think you can live without it and should probably stay in the no contact rule.

But what if it’s something of grave importance to you?

Something like your mothers ashes… Well, then you have my permission to break the no contact rule to get them back.

Fun Fact: Did you ever see the Malcolm in The Middle episode where the babysitter is fighting with her ex over her mothers ashes (I did obviously 😉 .)

7. Understand These Four Important Concepts To Stay Disciplined

Stay disciplined by doing these things

Now that you have a pretty good idea of how the no contact rule works I want to move on to the next step.

There is a philosophy that I want you to adopt.

It’s called “Dating Yourself.”

In fact, I did a whole interview with a dating coach named Veronica Grant where she pretty much summed up “dating yourself” better than I ever could,

(In case you don’t have the patience to watch the entire interview here is her summation of “dating yourself,”)

Dating yourself is kind of what it sounds like. Doing things for yourself that you would either want or expect your significant other to do for you. So, it can be things like buying yourself flowers, writing yourself a love note, taking a hot bubble bath, taking yourself out for a drink or for a nice dinner but really the deeper essence of it is making yourself feel how you want to feel on your relationship.

Now, I am absolutely in love with this idea, especially during the no contact rule.

Why?

Well, it kind of serves as a gauntlet for weeding out the people who aren’t serious about getting their exes back and simply want to move on. And that’s a great thing because usually half the battle is finding a way to get on the right path.

So, how does this “gauntlet effect” work?

1. The Gauntlet Effect

It’s hard to admit (because I was a young buck when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery) but I have been doing this for over half a decade. But most of the people who come to this website want one thing and one thing only,

They want to get their exes back.

And I feel I have certainly catered to those people a lot (Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO anyone?)

But sometimes a person comes to me with a horrifying story that makes me think,

“Hmm… maybe you shouldn’t get back with your ex.”

And being me, I usually verbalize my thoughts without thinking a lot of time.

Now, usually when I tell someone this they are very respectful and often times they agree with me. However, when it comes time for them to take specific actions revolving around getting over their ex they actually do the opposite.

Now, after five years of his happening to me I have finally wised up to what’s going on.

Nothing I say will convince a person otherwise and I have simply decided to let people go through their own process (because sometimes that’s what it takes for them to realize their ex is not the right fit for them.)

Ah, but that’s where “The Gauntlet Effect” comes into play.

By utilizing the “date yourself” philosophy during the no contact rule you are essentially putting yourself through a gauntlet to see if you are still interested in your ex by the end of the no contact rule.

Allow me to explain in more detail.

Let’s pretend that you are doing a 30 day no contact rule and you decide that on top of utilizing the “two prongs” that I talked about above you are going to also utilize the “date yourself” philosophy.

And while you are dating yourself you come to the realization that,

“Hmm… my ex never treated me as good as I am treating myself right now..”

And pretty soon this singular thought evolves into,

“I don’t think I want him back.”

Well, that’s the gauntlet effect in play right there. It essentially helps you determine what you really want going forward. Of course, if you come out the other end of the gauntlet and you still want your ex back then you absolutely positively have my permission to do everything in your power to get him back.

Of course, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves now.

WARNING: Most People Who Try The No Contact Rule End Up Failing It

I think I may have mentioned this before but it never hurts to re-iterate.

The odds aren’t in your favor to successfully make it through the no contact rule. In fact, I would say that the vast majority of people I have met have ultimately ended up failing at the no contact rule.

Now, what does that mean?

Well, usually that means that you decide to do a period of no contact and somewhere during that period you end up contacting your ex.

And it’s easy to understand why.

We live in a digital age where temptation is all around us.

I mean, think about it.

How tempting would it be to check your exes Facebook profile?

What about check and see the last time they logged into Whats App?

Of course, it’s my job to ensure that you don’t fail at the no contact rule so here’s what I have decided to do for you. I have put together a list of the very best ways that you can safely remove temptation. In other words, if you do the following things then your chances of successfully completing the no contact rule will drastically increase.

  • Getting A Friend To Hold The Number
  • Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time
  • Keeping A Journal
  • Unfollow On Facebook

Let’s talk a little about each of these initiatives.

2. Getting A Trusted Friend To Hold Onto Your Exes Number

Now, I am not going to lie to you.

This one is a bit flawed.

But more on that in a second. For now, let’s just grasp what this initiative is.

Essentially the way this works is that you write your exes number down on a piece of paper and then you erase that number from your phone. After that, you take the piece of paper to a trusted friend and tell them not to give it to you until your 21 – 45 days are up.

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“I get it and everything but what’s the flaw?

Well, let’s say that I am the trusted friend who you gave your exes number to. And let’s say that your ex contacts you at some point. It will probably still show up on your phone but just as a number you don’t recognize.

Nevertheless, I have seen this method work for a lot of women who have tried it so it isn’t without it’s merits.

3. Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time to Think About Him or Do Something You Will Regret

I am a big fan of this one.

Why?

Well, because IF you do the no contact rule the way that I am recommending you to do it then this is going to happen naturally.

Think about it…

The holy trinity…

Dating yourself…

These are things that are meant to keep you buys and most importantly keep your mind off of your ex which is a HUGE problem we are facing. So, the idea here is that you keep yourself so busy that you don’t even have time to contact your ex.

Now, I realize that it’s unrealistic of me to say,

“OK, as long as you just make yourself busy you won’t ever have time to contact your ex.”

That’s not true.

If someone is motivated enough they will always find time.

But here is the point I want to hammer home for you.

As long as you couple this strategy with a few others you should be golden.

4. Keeping A Journal Can Make The Breakup Blues Go Away

I have to admit that I can’t take credit for this one. This is the brain child of my wife.

So, the way this works is that you go out and buy a journal. Now, the thing about this journal is that it’s only meant for the no contact rule. In other words, this is your no contact rule journal 😉 .

OK, lame joke aside you are going to utilize this journal to write down your feelings during the no contact rule.

It’s a way to exercise how you are feeling and also a way to prevent yourself from contacting your ex.

Now, let’s say you are going along down the no contact rule and all of a sudden you get this urge to contact your ex. It’s overwhelming and your fingers are literally on the phone typing in their name.

Well, instead of doing that you are going to pull out your journal and write down how you are feeling.

Write down what you want to write…

Write down how angry and upset you are…

Get it all out.

Get it all out until you don’t feel the urge to contact them anymore.

Unfollow Your Ex On Facebook

Notice how I said “unfollow” and not “unfriend”

Believe it or not there is a difference between the two.

Unfollow:

unfollow

Basically by unfollowing your ex they won’t show up in your feed anymore. Now, if you want more details on why I recommend not to fully unfriend your ex then I recommend going here.

So, that’s going to do it for my epic guide on the no contact rule?

What do you think?

Are you confused about anything?

Do you need help with anything?

We would love to hear from you in the comments below!

What to Read Next

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6,739 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

  1. Avatar

    Cassie

    October 20, 2020 at 9:43 pm

    My boyfriend (who i also lived with) broke up with me for real about 5 weeks ago. (The first time was in july but he cried and said that same day that “it doesn’t feel right to do this, i don’t want to leave you, so we gave it another go and tried to work on it, tho everything was fine between us, no fighting or stuff like that, just love, adventures and laughter between us. 2 weeks prior to that “breakup” he told me that he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me.) Anyway, now about 5 weeks ago he told me that he was no longer in love with me. We were together for 1,5 years and was really starting to plan the future, talking about buying a house and stuff like that. He now wants us to stay friends and quote “i don’t wanna lose you, i want you in my life”… Should i do the NC on him and if that’s the case, for how long?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 22, 2020 at 9:15 pm

      Hi Cassie, yes follow the rules of no contact, I would suggest that you follow it for 30 and assess if you want to extend to 45 at that time, work on yourself in the mean time to become the best version of yourself. Read the articles that apply to your situation so that you can understand what you need to do in each step.

  2. Avatar

    Anonymous

    October 20, 2020 at 4:12 am

    My boyfriend of 4 years told me he needs time to be alone and doesn’t know how long. He said he felt pressured. My mother showed him an engagement ring and he took it. He had it for a month the last week of that month he started acting distant. All of a sudden he was confused and needed time to be alone. Feels pressure. He has not initiated any contact in three weeks. I reached out to him twice about belongings. I’m not sure what to do in this scenario. We spoke about marriage and children and were very happy before the ring came in to play. At least I thought so. Any advice would be great.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 24, 2020 at 11:05 pm

      Hi there, it is not uncommon for people to get scared and back out at these times, the best thign you can do is not apply more pressure. Take a step back and let them decide for themselves what they want, follow the rules of NC if you are not living together and how you just go about your own life with your friends and family, make sure that you follow the rules of no contact for 30 days before you attempt to speak with your ex again.

  3. Avatar

    c

    October 8, 2020 at 1:26 am

    Hello,
    my ex and I recently broke up. We have been dating almost 2 years. We both came from toxic relationships and I don’t think hes over how they treated him. We got into a huge fight since we are both stressed. He needs to figure out his financial situation and school and money and he keeps pushing me away. We haven’t spoken much in a couple weeks the only one I did was asking for my stuff back. We did talk a bit before that and I said I was sorry but then he said we were done because we were fighting so much but I know it’s mostly from his side since he tends to take stuff out on me. I don’t want anyone else but him, I love him immensley but I don’t know if we just both need space but I am scared that he will move on without me and with someone else.

  4. Avatar

    Steph

    October 1, 2020 at 9:40 pm

    My boyfriend of 3½ (almost 4) years broke up with me because he said I was controlling, toxic and manipulative. I never was to be honest, he only said that because I used to tell him to be careful with any girls in college (since there are some people who don’t care about other’s relationships and will try meddling into it and take him from me), to always try to contact me(texting, calling, videochat, etc.), to please let me see his phone whenever he was starting to act a bit off(he changed his behavior once he began College) and when he found out about some of my securities.

    But he makes up this scenarios where he believes I used to tell him to not talk to girls, to avoid them, and to not be their friend. I never told him that. He also believes that I told him to never go to any college events and activities (because he thinks I wouldn’t like that). He also believes that I didn’t trust him(I really do trusted him, but my insecurities made him think I didn’t). I also have this fear of abandonment so, whenever he wanted to leave me (and this was a behavior I changed and stopped doing because I knew it was wrong), I used to threaten him with suicide and tell him that I will hurt myself.

    I only did that because I wanted to see that he cares about me and because I was afraid of being abandoned since I have a lot of trauma from my past. I completely stopped doing this on time because it was wrong and because I wanted to be a better person. So, in my part, I changed.

    On the other hand, I felt as if I was putting in most of the effort and he wasn’t. That’s one of the reasons why I was getting emotionally and mentally drained, and I felt like he didn’t care about me enough.

    He has this chinese friend who was a little too too friendly with him. She was sending him selfies and texting him so much. Every time I used to tell him that I was starting to see her intentions, he got defensive and said that her behavior was “normal” as a friend. Then when I talk to the girl, she told me she had an interest in him because he was very studious (and he could help her get good grades, so it wasn’t a romantic interest (?)). Either way, I felt threatened by her.

    I personally believe she should have known the boundaries in the relationship. If a guy who has a girlfriend has a female friend, the female friend should know the difference between being a friend with a single guy and a friend with a taken guy. You can’t be all huggy and touchy with a taken guy because obviously the guy’s girlfriend won’t like that. She can do that with a single guy if she wanted to but she wasn’t willing to respect my relationship…and my ex was very naive to see her intentions.

    He wanted me to trust him and I finally did but he never believed I did. I actually always trusted him but I was finally able to trust him completely the way it should have been and the way he wanted me to.

    I believe we’ve been in no contact since the end of August (August 28th maybe) (to around September 1st Maybe…or September 9th)…all I know is that it hasn’t been too long since NC(maybe three weeks or three and a half). He contacted me on September 17th asking if I’m doing okay. I didn’t respond. He still texts me and now calls me, but I just don’t respond.

    We were really committed in this relationship but he changed a lot. He doesn’t like it when anyone tells him what to do, he’s self-centered, he always thinks he’s right, and he was mentally and emotionally abusive. He just doesn’t want to admit that he was abusive and showed a few narcissistic behaviors.

    We both had problems in the relationship but I was willing to change and he wasn’t.
    I forgave him because I cared about him…and now I don’t know what to do.

  5. Avatar

    Maria

    September 27, 2020 at 1:35 am

    So my ex broke up with me, saying he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and I’m acting dramatic , he used to treat me well for couple of months we’ve been together but he totally changed and he’s telling my friend that I remind him of his ex-gf
    and he still hurted Because of her
    At firs he said that he’s over her but he’s not
    She lives in a different country
    But wee live at the same city
    And he said to my friend if i get him out of my head then we can be friends but i don’t want us to be friends

    does nocontact works for this case

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 4, 2020 at 9:17 pm

      Hi Maria, yes I would suggest that you follow a NC of 45 days

  6. Avatar

    Lissa

    September 17, 2020 at 11:02 am

    My boyfriend of 8 months has broke up with me, due to the stresses of a big court case against a family member and him not coping well with it we had a massive tow a week before but sorted things out the two weeks he has been really struggling and crying all the time, so Tuesday he msgd me that he thinks it’s best we spilt up as it’s not fair on me and my daughter not knowing what mood he is in or if he is coming over or not, that it’s not what he wants to do but what he has to do to get himself better and dirt himself out, he says it’s hard because he Loves me but needs to sort this out in his head and life at the moment is impossible, and he needs to be alone, I understand this but it’s so hard I don’t know what to do I love him he loves me but life is hard for him x

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 18, 2020 at 3:05 pm

      Hi Lisa, it sounds as if he is just not doing great at the moment. While that may not sound like a good reason to end a relationship, it makes sense that he wants this time alone to sort out his own mind and emotions. If you can complete a 30 day no contact and then start reaching out to your ex you can start following the program. Read more articles to help you with the program

  7. Avatar

    AIRA CAMILLE JACINTO

    September 3, 2020 at 5:32 am

    Hi good day!

    My boyfriend and i broke up last August 30, 2020. I initiate the break up because i felt he is very cold with our relationship, and guess what he agreed on my decision. He said we need to focus more with our children (we have failed relationship before with our past partner). He wants me to focus more with my children and he will focus with his children too. He also want me to go back with my ex husband to have a happy family. But he’s all i want now. I dont have feelings with my ex husband anymore. I want him back but he refused. I wish NC RULE effect to him to get back to me. I will start today. Thank u

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 7, 2020 at 9:54 pm

      Hey Aira, it will take more than just NC to work to get your ex back, it is just stage one of the program. You need to work on yourself, show him you are more than happy with your life with your children. Use social media to show you are living a good life

  8. Avatar

    Nataly

    August 31, 2020 at 3:44 pm

    Hi 🙂

    I broke up with my bf 3 months ago but we remained friends. I am still in love with him and last time we met he told me that he dont want relationship. Is it late now to use this No Contact rule?
    I really want him back…

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 31, 2020 at 6:38 pm

      Hey Nataly, not it is not too late to go into a NC

  9. Avatar

    AnonymousJ

    August 21, 2020 at 6:36 am

    My boyfriend of over 5 years broke up with me out of the blue the same day that we were viewing a house we had paid to reserved etc to move in to. He said he didn’t want to end it and felt confused but he just didn’t feel the same anymore and doesn’t know why. But he still loves me so so much and I’m the best thing to ever happen to him.
    We didn’t go straight in to no contact there was a lot of discussion and he was understanding as to why I was confused. I found out he had taken a girl to the beach (she is 7 years younger than him she is 19) and we ended up arguing about this as he has been messaging her whilst we were together and it upset me just cause he was hiding it. I trust him and trusted that they were just friends I just didn’t want him to feel like he had to hide it. He told me the only reason he went to the beach with her was because he missed me was fed up of feeling sad and regretting what he did. Anyway, after all the arguing and getting my stuff back we are now 12 days no contact. I can’t help but worry about him and this other girl but she moves away for uni next month. My birthday is in 2 weeks, if he messages me happy birthday do I ignore or do I just say thank you? What should I do in general here any advice would be appreciated as I’m heartbroken and was about to get the house I thought we would start having kids in.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 27, 2020 at 1:21 pm

      Hey there, so you need to completed a 45 days No Contact and ignore a birthday message too.

  10. Avatar

    Skylar

    August 19, 2020 at 9:27 pm

    I’m 2 weeks into NC and have my ex blocked. He reached out to my friend to ask me to call him. I didn’t. Then he called from a different number and I answered not knowing it was him. I wasn’t prepared and just told him I wasn’t ready to talk and that I’ll call him when I am ready. Do I need to start all over?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 27, 2020 at 1:38 pm

      Hi Skylar, you need to unblock him and then follow the NC again from day 1

  11. Avatar

    Catryna

    August 18, 2020 at 11:55 am

    Hi Shaunna,

    my partner of nearly 7 years with a little girl broke up with me a month ago after he lost his mum to cancer. I was there when she died and was really supportive but after she died he kept going out alot and we were non stop arguing. We don’t live together and up until recently he’s been sending me alot of mixed messages. One minuete reminding me that we’re not together and other times telling me how much he loves me. Sometimes always calling and texting me then other times I don’t hear from him until i initiate contact. I’m feeling really needy and annoying and verrrry anxious! Do you think we still have a chance? X

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 2, 2020 at 7:12 pm

      I think he is going through some grieving stages which is why he is blowing hot and cold. However, if you want to get him back then you are going to have to go into a limited no contact, this would be where you only speak to him about your child (if there is an emergency and arranging pick up/drop off when he sees her) You avoid spending time with him, you stop answering his calls. If he reaches out to you about general conversation you need to ignore him for 30 days. And read some more articles to help you through the program, especially ones where you share a child.

  12. Avatar

    Vi

    July 31, 2020 at 10:15 am

    Hi Chris, I’ve been doing the no contact rule for almost a week with my ex bf. The thing is we live together, so i only respond to the conversation he initiated. However, he talks to me quiet often regardless its short convo. Thing is, he has a girlfriend, which is the reason we broke up.
    I want him back and I don’t want to be only his housemate. Is this effective enough? How to make him feels he lost me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 31, 2020 at 10:31 am

      Hey Vi, if he has a girlfriend then you are going to have to read and learn about the being there method. I would suggest that you avoid conversations with him. The limited no contact when living together means you only speak to him about shared responsibilities, small talk is breaking the rules of No Contact. You need to either go to your room to avoid him or go out as much as you can to just not be spending time with him at the moment.

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    Elsie

    July 29, 2020 at 1:51 am

    I received a breakup email a few days ago. I haven’t replied.
    * Should I reply or go straight to the no contact rule?
    * what if he never contacts me again? Is that considered case lost? Do I contact him after 30 days?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 31, 2020 at 12:46 pm

      Hi Elsie, you can reply to the email stating that you agree and think it is best that you break up too and then you go straight into NC and then reach out with a text that Chris suggests in 30 days

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    Charlene

    July 28, 2020 at 11:54 pm

    Hi. I suspected that my boyfriend is cheating on me since he was not answering my phone calls after work lately. I went to his place without his knowledge yesterday night and found him with another girl. We argued and I slapped him once and he said I must leave and I left. Now he blocked me on watsup and Facebook, am just not sure about calls because I don’t want to call him now. We have 4 months dating. Should I do a No Contract Rule and if so for how long?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 31, 2020 at 12:47 pm

      Hi Charlene, yes you need to go into a NC and you need to stick with it for 45 days. To be honest the fact that you slapped him I would suggest that you focus on moving forward with your life than trying to get him back

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    Yumi

    July 22, 2020 at 4:00 pm

    Hi,

    Me and my boyfriend had a huge fight last July 6,2020 because I was so angry with just little things it came to my mouth that I wanted to break up with him I was so shocked that he agreed. Days passed our argument was intense cause I have told his mother he’s using drugs. He was so angry and he doesnt want to reconcile. I tried to beg he said yes we can make it work but after a day or 2 he was so cold and he said he’s mind’s so full and he still dont know what he wants. I kept on sending him sms but he’s ignoring me til now july 23,2020. My birthday will be on the 25th and he promised to be there and bring his present. I am planning to start NC after my birthday. Will it work?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 25, 2020 at 7:41 pm

      Ideally, we would suggest that you go into a No Contact straight away and make plans for your birthday so that you are too busy to see him on that day. But if you do see him that day, then follow the rules of limited no contact, and then go back into a strict no contact after he has left.

  16. Avatar

    Shauna willz

    July 14, 2020 at 6:45 pm

    Do you take personal comments? I am a very personal person and don’t want my comment published on the site.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 14, 2020 at 8:00 pm

      Hey Shauna, to speak with someone privately you would need to look into coaching, but you are also able to give yourself a fake name with your comment if you wanted to. Great name by the way 😉

  17. Avatar

    Kaye

    July 13, 2020 at 7:17 pm

    My boyfriend and I of 7 months broke up in Feb. then Covid hit so he’s been living an hour and a half away at their family lake house by himself.
    We have talked most days since then. I’ve had to initiate all contact. Things go really well and we start to pick up momentum and connection and I ask if we could get together, he says he’ll think about it, then he shuts down and uses excuses. It’s a cycle we’ve been in. We talk, increase connection, I ask to get together, he shuts down and sometimes ignores me and gets mad saying I’m Pestering him, I apologize, over text to make him not mad which is annoying I’m sure…. then it starts again. This makes me feel bad and look desperate!
    He had been out of a 9 year relationship a year before we met. They were engaged 2 years of that time and he broke it off. They live in different states and have only spoken once in that time and she is in a new relationship. She tried contacting him on what would have been 10 year anniversary but he ignored her.
    He was always timid, took 2 months to kiss me, I had to initiate intimacy, veeerrry close to twin brother, lives with him and his wife and newborn after he moved back. We would fight if he was late bc of helping them, he put them first over our relationship! He often talked about things his ex did that annoyed him. When I try to talk to him about things he says he is not going to bicker. But he is a really sweet, kind person. I feel like he’s just been really hurt, or I’m making excuses!? Is also feel like he may be an Avoidant, he matches a lot of the criteria!!! I’m usually secure but feel I’ve changed to anxious.
    Have I ruined my chances In getting him back by talking to him all of the time? I feel like he is done and annoyed by me. Should I move on or keep trying? Help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 5, 2020 at 10:26 pm

      Hi Kaye, I don’t think you have ruined your chances but I think that you do need to start following the program and you are right that he appears to be an avoidant. I think if you spend some time working on yourself and not talking with him long enough to give him time to miss you and stop asking for the meet up as it is clear that you want to get back with him. Just allow conversation to keep going and let it appear that it is his idea to grab a coffee (short meet ups at first)

  18. Avatar

    Piper-Connor

    July 8, 2020 at 6:52 am

    My joyfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago after five (almost six) months of being together. The reasoning for the break-up was that it was unhealthy for both of us, the first week I begged them to come back, that I’ll change, and that we could do it right this time, but they refused, saying that they weren’t ready for a relationship.
    Surprisingly after only five months of dating, we had a real connection, we even told each other things we had never told anyone before. We really were in love, shocking considering the amount of time we had been together.
    We kept in contact for another week up until now, and they told me that they don’t love me romantically from what they’ve figured out. I’m wondering, will the no contact rule still work in my situation, or are my chances of getting back together with them helpless?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 25, 2020 at 2:56 pm

      Hey Piper there is a chance but you need to make your ex view you in a more romantic lighting again. This is something that you will need to work on over time. Complete your NC and work on your Holy Trinity for now, and read the articles to prepare yourself for the texting phase before it is time to reach out

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    Victoria

    July 3, 2020 at 3:13 pm

    Hi! My ex is set to move out of state sometime this month. I have been following the no contact rule for about a week but last time we spoke he said he’d let me know when he was leaving that way we can say our goodbyes. I’m torn because when that time comes I don’t want to break the no contact but I also want to say my goodbye since he is moving far. I’m not sure which route would be best. What do you think? Thanks for the help in advance!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 4, 2020 at 10:39 pm

      Hey Victoria, you need to stick with your No Contact, and read about how to get a long distance ex back. There are articles on the website to help you with this

  20. Avatar

    Melanie

    June 30, 2020 at 4:43 pm

    I don’t know if I saw this answered in the no contact post but what if after the allotted time (30 days probably), they have not reached out or tried to contact you at all? What do you do at that point?

    Thanks in advance for your help!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 1, 2020 at 9:39 pm

      Hey Melanie, after you have completed your No contact you move on to the texting phase

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