What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back

The No Contact Rule

A few months ago I conducted an independent study where I took all the people who I had helped with getting their exes back and dissected exactly what they did to actually succeed.

I wanted to see if I could locate any trends and ultimately fine tune my advice to make this website better.

Of course, this study proved to be a bit challenging due to the fact that I hadn’t kept any notes on any of the success stories that I had a hand in.

So, as you can imagine, I found it to be difficult to get the level of detail that I was hoping for.

However, after it was all said and done I did end up finding one trend.

“Without a doubt the no contact rule is essential to getting an ex back.”

My research indicated that it was present in exactly 74% of the successes. Meaning that if you have your mind set on getting your ex back then you had better adopt the no contact rule strategy as soon as possible. Of course, this revelation got me thinking.

My page on “the no contact rule” on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is very outdated. Hell, I think it is several years old and if you know anything about me then you would know that I strive to write the best content in the world when it comes to exes.

And having such an essential page be outdated is not good.

So, I decided to revamp it.

I want to turn this tiny little 3,000 word page into a massive 10,000 word one. In other words, when I am through with this page there will literally be nothing out there that can bring the level of clarity that I can bring when it comes to the no contact rule.

Now, I realize that may sound a little arrogant but I prefer to say it’s confidence.

But that’s enough of this build up.

Let’s talk about the no contact rule!

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The Puzzle Analogy

If you are familiar with my work on Ex Boyfriend Recovery then you would know that I often like to compare getting an ex back to a puzzle.

It just so happens that the no contact rule is the largest piece of that puzzle.

Hell, it’s a large enough piece that it warrants it’s own book, The No Contact Rule Book.

More on that in a second. For now I just want you to take a look at the graphic below.

What do you see?

puzzle-graphic
It’s a puzzle that is divided into two sections.

The top section

&

The bottom section

Now, let’s pretend that the top section of the puzzle is considered to be “the no contact rule” and the bottom part of the puzzle is considered to be the rest of the “ex recovery” strategy that I teach on this site.

puzzle-graphic-2

And in order to successfully get your ex back you need to merge the two puzzle pieces.

In other words, you can’t just rely on one side of the puzzle to do the work for you. I have noticed that over the years that people who come to this site always seem to be under the impression that all they need to do to win their ex back is implement the no contact rule.

That’s not true.

Yes, the no contact rule may, without a doubt, be the most important aspect of ex recovery but it isn’t going to get you over the finish line alone.

Why would I tell you this?

I want you to manage your expectations going in to reading this article. I want you to understand that there is still more work after this.

Now, I also don’t want to give off the impression that the no contact rule is easy.

It’s not.

There is a reason that the largest book that we have here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery is,

“The No Contact Rule Book”

But perhaps I should stop rambling and start explaining.

What Is The No Contact Rule?

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

I enjoy making things as simple as possible for people and that’s what I am going to do here.

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

Now, I said I was going to make this as easy as possible for you to understand so let’s break this definition down piece by piece.

Let’s start with this part,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

There is nothing too out of the ordinary here.

Cutting off all communication means that you don’t talk to your ex at all in any way shape or form.

Well… this isn’t exactly true all the time (as I will teach you later) but for now just roll with it.

If your ex texts you, you ignore them.

If they call you… Yup, you ignore them.

Ignore..

Ignore…

IGNORE….

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

Ok, the next part of our definition is,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

One of the most popular questions that I get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is,

“Chris, how long should my no contact rule last for?”

It’s a good question because it depends wholly on your situation. You see, I used to claim that everyone should stick to a very basic 30 day rule. In other words, if you were going to try the no contact rule you should ignore your ex for a month.

But experience has taught me that this isn’t always the best practice.

For some situations 30 days may be too long and for others it may not be long enough.

That’s why you will see me recommending three different time frames when it comes to the no contact rule,

  1. The 21 Day Rule
  2. The 30 Day Rule
  3. The 45 Day Rule

Now, each of these rules have a different purpose.

So, what I would like to do now is help you determine which of these time frames is ideal for you.

(Side Note: There are pros and cons to each of these rules. So, consider everything before you pick one.)

The 21 Day Rule

The 21 day rule is the shortest rule that I am willing to recommend here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. It’s perfect for those situations where you think your ex is going to freak out if you ignore them.

Let me give you an example.

Imagine that you were to use the no contact rule on your ex and you got a string of text messages that looked like this,

txt-1

I have found that it’s counter productive to continue ignoring an ex for too long when you are getting the type of messages you want to be seeing from them.

But that leads us to an interesting question.

What if you aren’t getting the type of responses you want to see from an ex?

What if they freak out but not in a good way?

text-2

Well, then the 21 day rule isn’t going to be ideal.

Instead, you may want to look into the 30 or 45 day rule.

Speaking of the 30 day rule…

The 30 Day Rule

The 30 day no contact rule is what I like to call the basic no contact rule.

In other words, it should be your ideal starting point.

Take a look at the graphic I put together for you below,

starting-point

This graphic is meant to represent what I want every person who does the no contact rule to do.

I want them to start off by doing a 30 day rule and then based on how their ex reacts to the no contact rule I want them to adapt.

So, let’s say that you are doing the no contact rule on your ex and you receive the positive messages that you received above with the 21 day rule,

txt-1

But this doesn’t just happen once.

No, this is the third time something like this has started to happen.

Well, in that case then you probably want to move your 30 day rule to a 21 day rule,

starting-point-copy

Of course, the opposite is true if you receive negative text messages.

If that ends up happening then you probably want to turn your 30 day rule into a 45 day rule,

starting-point-copy-2

Let’s move on and talk a little more in-depth about the 45 day no contact rule.

The 45 Day Rule

45 days is the longest I am willing to recommend for a no contact rule.

I know that may shock some of you who are familiar with what other experts recommend but there is a reason for why I don’t think a no contact period should ever last longer than 45 days.

On average how long do you think it takes a human being to break a habit?

According to research, 66 days.

So technically speaking it may only take your ex 66 days to get out of the habit of thinking about you. Now, can you imagine if you flat out ignored your ex for 90 days and then all of a sudden out of the blue you texted them.

Wouldn’t that be weird?

They may already be over you and you may not even have a chance at getting them back.

But lets move on from talking about time frames for a second and keep defining the no contact rule,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery,

Hmm… I think this one deserves it’s own section to be honest with you.

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The Two Pronged Strategy

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

The way I teach the no contact rule versus the way other experts out there teach it is a little different.

Take a look at the graphic below,

two-prongs

This is how I teach the no contact rule.

You see, the no contact rule gives everyone who uses it an opportunity to implement a two pronged strategy.

  • Prong One = Making An Ex Miss You
  • Prong Two = Facilitates Recovery

Lets talk about each of the prongs for a bit first.

Prong One (Making An Ex Miss You)

If you were to ask any person what their ideal outcome would be if they were to use the no contact rule it would be that their ex goes so crazy over being ignored that they want to get back together as soon as possible.

In other words, their ex would exhibit the behavior of someone who misses a lover.

And I am not going to lie, the no contact rule does do this.

This is one of the BIGGEST assets of implementing the no contact rule.

However, it’s rare for an ex to ask you to get back together so I wouldn’t really bank on it. What I will say is that the no contact rule can drastically increase the chances of making an ex miss you and their is scientific proof backing this up.

Have you ever heard of psychological reactance?

No?

“Psychological Reactance is defined as a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioral freedoms. Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or her choices or limiting the range of alternatives.”

Now, that may have been a lot to swallow if you weren’t a psychology major so allow me to break it down.

Psychological reactance assumes that there are a set number of freedoms that a person has. However, when one of those freedoms is taken away the person will react to it. Usually in a way where they try to reobtain that freedom.

So, let’s look at what’s happening here.

By ignoring your ex you are denying them certain freedoms (the freedom to talk to you.) So, according to psychological reactance they are going to react in a way to try to try to get that freedom back.

Think of it like this.

Let’s say I offer my daughter a cookie and she accepts it.

A simple premise, right?

Let’s shake things up.

Now let’s say that I offer my daughter a cookie and right when she reaches for it I end up taking it away and placing it on a nearby table.

(I am definitely a horrible parent 🙁 .)

What do you think she is going to do?

Well, she understands on a basic level that her freedom to have that cookie has just been taken away and she is going to do everything in her power to get it.

That’s psychological reactance at work.

Her freedom to have the cookie was just taken away and as a result she behaved in a way to get it back.

Prong Two (Facilitating A Recovery)

I am a little appalled of how little people talk about the second prong of the no contact rule.

Why?

Because in my opinion it’s the most powerful aspect of NC.

Think about it, in the end all you can do is influence your ex to feel a certain way. Truthfully, you don’t have any control over what they think or the actions they take.

However, when it comes to prong two you have complete control because prong two focuses heavily on you.

Think of it this way,

facilitate-recovery

By facilitating a recovery you are going to become more confident in yourself. As you grow more confident in yourself you are going to appear more attractive towards the people around you.

That includes your ex.

Such was the case for Natalie, the woman featured in episode of three of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast (https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/episode3/). You see, she ended up moving on a facilitated a recovery.

The result = Her ex ended up contacting her and hitting on her.

But this begs an interesting question.

How do you facilitate a recovery?

Well, you want to utilize what I call “The Holy Trinity.”

The Holy Trinity

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

It’s actually three things.

Health, wealth and relationships.

I’ll tell you what. I am going to go put together a report for you explaining this.

One sec….

Ok, here you go,

(Holy Trinity)

This book will explain the basics of “The Holy Trinity.”

In a nutshell, you can divide the most important aspects of your life into these three categories.

Well, during the no contact rule you want to only be doing things that positively impact these three aspects of your life.

I talk about this briefly in the holy trinity report.

But here’s something I don’t talk about in the report.

The three aspects of the holy trinity are interconnected. What affects one aspect will end up affecting the other aspects.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say that you lose your job. Thus, your “wealth” category is negatively impacted,

negative-wealth

Common sense, right?

But as a result of losing your job you become very depressed and your “mental health” becomes impacted,

negative-health

With your “mental health” compromised you begin to take your frustrations out on your significant other and as a result they break up with you,

negative-relationships

All in all, everything gets impacted negatively. It’s like quicksand. One bad thing happens and everything gets pulled down with it. However, if we are going to buy into this theory of everything being connected that also means that when something positive happens to one of the aspects everything else gets impacted as well in a positive way.

For example, let’s say that you start working out and look the best you have ever looked before,

positive-health

As a result you gain more confidence and end up doing great in a job interview and get a new job,

positive-wealth

With more confidence and a great new job word gets around and eventually reaches your ex who looks at you in a whole new light,

positive-relationships

What impacts one aspect of the holy trinity will impact the others in some way, shape or form. Remember this as you aim to facilitate your recovery. Now, I am going to talk a lot about the holy trinity when I talk about the “no contact rule” calendar later.

For now, let’s move on and talk about the other aspect of facilitating a recovery.

Facilitating A Recovery Within Your Ex

I have a simple question for you.

Do you think you will have a better chance of getting your ex back if they are angry at you or if they are a little calmer?

Calmer, right?

Well, the other great thing about facilitating your own recovery from the breakup is that it gives your ex a chance to facilitate their own recovery from the breakup.

Why do you want them to recover from the breakup?

Well, because it’s going to allow them to be more rational for when the time finally comes for you to reach out to them.

But we will talk about that later.

Now that you have a good idea of what the no contact rule entails let’s turn our attention to a very common question that we get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery,

“Can I ever break the no contact rule?”

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Can You Ever Break The No Contact Rule?

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

This is one of those things that I constantly get asked.

Seriously, I must have been asked this at least 500 times.

Originally I was of the mindset that you shouldn’t ever break the no contact rule. In fact, I think if you go to (this article link) you will notice that I say just that. However, lets say you find yourself in a scenario where you are doing the no contact rule and your ex texts you with something like this,

i-want-you-back

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

Well, according to my earlier advice you wouldn’t be able to.

Do you see the flaw with that type of thinking?

I am all about adapting and updating which is why I no longer think it’s necessary to stay in a no contact rule given the right circumstances.

Now, the keyword there is “right circumstances.”

One of the sad facts that I have learned about the people who visit my website is that if I give them a little bit of leeway they will take advantage of that. In other words, if I sit here and tell you that you can break the no contact rule early an idea gets planted in your head where you may potentially look for any reason to break it early.

Which is why I am very strict about the rules you can utilize to break the no contact rule early.

There are seven factors that you need to look at when determining whether or not you can break the no contact rule early.

Those seven factors are,

  1. How long you were in the relationship with your ex for?
  2. How many days have passed since you started the no contact rule?
  3. How many times have you broken up with this person before?
  4. Where are you in your own personal recovery?
  5. What was the cause of the break up?
  6. Who initiated the break up?
  7. How many positive communications have you received from your ex since starting the no contact rule?

Let’s take each data point and talk a bit about it.

I believe you will be better prepared to make a decision on which “road” to take, if you understand each piece of the puzzle. Only then can you fit them together and see what picture emerges.

You see, there is a synergistic relationship between these 7 data points. They need to be evaluated and considered together as a whole.

Sort like the 3 Musketeers!

(Even though D’Artagnan is never counted.)

You know…one for all and all for one!

Except in this case, we have the 7 Musketeers!

Factor One: How Long Were You In A Relationship With Your Ex For?

This can be a useful data point because if you have been involved with your Ex for a lengthy period of time, then this history between the two of you should give you some valuable insight on how to approach the situation.

If the history reveals a relationship plagued with many conflicts and multiple breakups, then you should take note of this pattern. It is probably telling you something. You may benefit more from staying on course with your No Contact strategy.

Then we have the situation in which the relationship was only weeks or a few months in duration.

Relatively speaking, that is not a very long time to build a solid foundation.

Breaking up after such a short time, suggests that something is not working out for one or both partners. In such a situation, making an exception and ending your No Contact is probably not a good idea.

Maybe things will work out.

Maybe not.

But I would think long and hard before breaking off the No Contact.

Factor Two: How many days have passed since you started the no contact rule?

If you hear from your ex on day 5 of your No Contact Period, it may be too early to make an exception.

While not a “deal breaker”, since all of these data points need to be considered as a whole, you should know that your ex reaching out to you so soon may be more to do with their “rebound emotions”.

You both may need more time to sort things out on your own, before you try to do it together.

Now on the other hand, if your ex reaches out to you on day 26 of your 30 day No Contact Period, I would be inclined to recommend you consider ending “No Contact” and exploring what is on their mind.

Unless, of course, your ex was spewing some nasty venom.

Which leads us to the next factor.

Factor Three: What Is Your Track Record With Your Ex?

If you guys have had multiple breakups in the past, then it probably is not in your best interest to make an exception.

The on again, off again relationship cycle is not healthy.

Where on the other hand, if you guys have been pretty solid in the past, that bodes well for your future.

Maybe you can cut short your No Contact Period on the strength of this factor and other data points.

Factor Four: Where Are You In Your Personal Recovery

Are you truly ready to talk to your ex again?

How much time has gone by since you last spoke?

How far along are you in your No Contact Period?

The more time that has gone by, the better, because it takes TIME to heal.

Have you been able to set aside the angry and resentful feelings you may have had following the breakup?

Do you feel you have progressed emotionally in other ways?

Are your drawing closer to becoming the best version of yourself?

Can you honestly say you have learned something meaningful about yourself?

These are the kind of things you need to think about. The last thing you want is to try to re-enter your relationship when your wounds have not healed.

Factor Five: What Caused The Breakup

If your ex cheated on you, then I am not an advocate of ending the No Contact Period early. Not unless all of the other Data Points are strongly and positively in place.

When weighing whether an exception should be made, one really needs to put a lot of weight on what caused the breakup.

Ask yourself, how severe and ugly was the ending of the relationship?

The more severe, the longer one should stay with No Contact. Breakups can be damaging and both parties need to time heal.

All breakups are going to hurt, no matter the degree of severity.

But it is usually easier to spring back from breakups if they did not cause considerable spite, anger, and hate.

Factor Six: Who Initiated The Breakup

The forces of “personal power” play a role during and after the relationship.

If you initiated the breakup, you have more personal power, at least on this matter.

But be careful with power.

It can go straight to your head in a matter of speaking, but you may not be thinking with the right side of your brain.

If you are feeling really cocky and confident about this new development of your ex reaching out to you, you may not be in the right place “emotionally” to properly gauge your situation.

Now, if your ex initiated the breakup and is now reaching out, you still need to weigh things carefully. On its surface, it may appear that the balance of personal power has swayed to your favor. Perhaps, your ex realizes they made a mistake.

Just tread carefully. In other words,

You Initiating The Breakup > Your Ex Initiating The Breakup

Factor Seven: How Many Positive Communications Did You Receive?

I saved the best and most important data point, for last! This is why I call it the Golden Factor.

What you should be looking for are multiple positive messages sent by your ex to you. One attempt to communicate, even if it’s made in the most positive way, is usually not enough, particularly if the other data points are not favorable.

When an ex reaches out to you and tells you something really nice and pleasant, that demonstrates good faith. If it is repeated, that shows the person probably really cares. If you receive a few more communications, that demonstrates a persistence.

As long as those messages sent to you have a positive energy, that bodes well for you.

Now if you get bombarded with negative message after negative message, to a point where it seems like your ex is obsessing….well, that is not a good thing.

If that happens, I would suggest you ignore those many obsessive contacts.

Positive contact can come in multiple forms.

It could be text messages. It could be emails. It could be phone messages. It could be old fashioned letters. It could be a message in a bottle. It could be a bouquet of flowers or a gift with a card.

Hell, it can even be on Facebook or Snapchat.

The main thing is that such messages need to number more than one.

They need to be positive, friendly and respectful. And they need to occur within a brief period of time (e.g. over a few days, perhaps over a week).

What if they show up at your door?

Don’t fall for it the first time around. Be nice and tell them you need more time. If this happens a few times and your ex conducted themselves respectfully, well, an exception may be in order.

Remember, I said it may be in order! You need to look at all of the data points and judge whether you wish to end your No Contact Period.
Is there any magic number of data points which have to be met, before you make an Exception?

Yes, and that leads me to my next point.

The Rule Of Four

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

Do you remember above when I mentioned that if I give people too much leeway they will take advantage of it and look for any excuse to break the no contact rule.

Well, that’s what the rule of four is meant for.

There are a total of seven factors that you need to look at if you are considering ending the no contact rule early. Well, what if I told you that you only needed four of those factors to break it.

It’s just that one of those factors has to be the “golden factor,”

The Golden Factor = Receiving Multiple Positive Communications From Your Ex

For example, let’s say that you have checked off every other factor except the golden one.

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

No, the golden factor is essential for breaking no contact early.

But what if you have the golden factor but you don’t get any of the other factors?

Can you break no contact?

No, obtaining three other factors is just as essential as obtaining the golden factor.

That’s the rule of four.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

Situations That Make You Alter The No Contact Rule

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

This is where things tend to get a bit more complicated. You see, in addition to understanding the rules for breaking the no contact rule early (which I am just going to tell you upfront is very rare) you will also need to understand that there are going to be certain situations that you may find yourself that will require you to alter the no contact rule.

Now, altering a no contact rule is completely different than breaking it.

What’s the difference?

Altering No Contact = You are still technically under the no contact period you just might be playing with a slightly different set of rules.

 

Breaking No Contact = You should be advancing to the next phase of the strategy to get your ex back.

Now, there are actually a lot of different situations that may make you alter your no contact rule BUT I don’t have the time to list out each and every one of them.

Instead, I thought that it would be best if I just listed out the most common alterations I see people having to make,

  • If Children Are Involved
  • If You Work With Them
  • If You Live With Them
  • If You Go To School With Them
  • If You Unexpectedly Run Into Them
  • The Item Exchange

Now, since this is Ex Boyfriend Recovery and we are committed to creating the best content in the world relating to exes we are going to go above and beyond for you by teaching you the alterations you are going to have to make for each of these situations.

Let’s start from the top.

The Alterations You Need To Make If Children Are Involved

This is always a difficult situation to alter because more often than not if you and your ex share a child you are going to be living together (which we will talk about next.)

So, rather than addressing what to do about the living situation let’s talk about what to do if you decide to use the no contact rule on your ex and they send you something like this,

child-text

Oh, and in case you couldn’t read between the lines “Carter” is your kid.

How do you deal with this?

Ok, here is my rule for when it comes to communicating about kids during no contact.

The Rule: You can break no contact to talk about the kids and that’s it. After you interaction about the kids is over you are going right back into no contact.

Pretty simple, right?

Well, things get a bit more complicated when you take into account that more often than not if you share a child with your ex you are probably living together.

How the hell are you supposed to handle no contact?

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Work With Your Ex

There are two words I want you to get very familiar with.

Strictly Business!

Now, it’s important to remember that the goal here isn’t to p*ss off your ex and that can definitely happen if you work together and completely ignore him. Instead, I don’t want you to initiate any conversations with him. Let him initiate all the conversations and if he does then keep the conversation short and sweet.

The only fly in the ointment, so to speak, is if your have to communicate due to a work related activity.

In that case make sure the scope of the conversation is STRICTLY BUSINESS!

In other words, if you are talking about something business related that is completely fine but if he veers off and starts talking about something “non business related” then I want you to subtly redirect him to talking about business.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Live With Your Ex

I am just going to be blunt with you.

The no contact rule is always going to be more effective if you aren’t living with your ex. That’s just the way it is and anyone who tells you anything differently is lying straight to your face.

BUT the no contact rule can still be effective if you live with the person so don’t go into a depression just yet.

It’s just that it isn’t going to be as effective.

So, what’s the rule regarding living with your ex?

The Rule: If it’s possible move out.

Now, the keyword that you want to look at there is “IF IT’S POSSIBLE.”

If moving out isn’t an option then don’t do it. Don’t worry, I have a specific strategy that you should employ but before I let you in on that I want to put my money where my mouth is.

Meet Jessica,

jessica

Jessica is someone who I personally worked with on Facebook.

I advised her to enter into a 21 day no contact period and also to move out of the house she was staying at with her ex boyfriend.

She did exactly what I said and when it was all said and done she had her ex chasing her and begging for her back. Oh, and he proposed.

This alteration produces results.

But let’s say that you can’t move out. Let’s say it’s not an option.

What do you do then?

Simple, you are going to act as cordial as possible when you do see your ex so they don’t think you are a d*ck but you NEVER want to start a conversation. Hmm…. perhaps this would work better as an example.

Ok, let’s pretend that you are dating me!

(I’m pretty awesome, I know!)

We are living together and you decide you want to utilize the no contact rule.

One day I come home from work (because in this example I am a high powered business man 😉 ) and I look pretty stressed. Every fiber of your being is going to want to ask me a simple question,

“Are you ok?”

Or

“How was your day?”

But you aren’t allowed to.

Why?

Because you are in the midst of a no contact rule.

Now let’s answer one of the most asked questions I get about this situation.

Let’s say that instead of me looking stressed and angry when I come home that particular day I look pretty happy and I even go as far as to ask you how your day was.

What do you do?

Most women make the mistake of thinking that they should ignore their exes at this point.

That’s a mistake because that will just create more animosity between the two of you and that’s the last thing we want. Instead, the best way to handle this situation is to engage me in a conversation but keep it short and sweet.

The idea is not to linger too long.

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Go To School With Your Ex

Out of all the alterations I talk about in this section this is probably the easiest one to grasp.

In fact, the alteration here pretty much boils down to two steps.

Step One: Avoid your ex

Step Two: If it’s impossible to avoid them then keep it short and sweet

So, let’s talk about these steps really quick.

I want you to avoid your ex at school at all costs. Yes, I realize some mumbo jumbo expert out there may disagree with me but believe me when I say that this is for your own good.

Why?

Well, because I have often found that people will look for any conceivable excuse to “bump into their exes.”

But let’s assume you are in a situation where “step one” is impossible.

Let’s say that you are in the exact same class as your ex and it’s pretty much impossible to avoid them. Well, in that case I want you to keep everything short and sweet.

What do I mean by that?

Well, for starters I don’t want you to start any conversations with your ex. However, let’s say that your ex starts a conversation with you (like my example above when you live with an ex.)

Well, keep everything short and sweet.

Engage them but don’t engage them fully.

Be nice but not too nice.

Short and sweet.

That’s the name of the game.

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Unexpectedly Run Into Them

Imagine for a moment that you are walking down the street and all of a sudden you see your ex…

You panic…

You get that deer in the headlights look…

And you pull a “kramer,”

a-kramer

Now, do you think that is the proper way to utilize the no contact rule in this situation?

No…

Absolutely not.

Instead, the correct move here is to walk up to your ex, say hi and leave it at that.

Less is more…

Now, before we move on to the final alteration I do have one thing to say. DON’T GO LOOKING TO RUN INTO YOUR EX ON PURPOSE! If you do that and they catch on to what you are doing then without a doubt you are going to appear to be desperate and that is going to have the opposite effect of what you are supposed to do.

Alterations You Need To Make For An Item Exchange

Ah, and here it is…

The ultimate no contact question that I get asked on pretty much a daily basis.

“Chris, am I allowed to break the no contact rule if my ex has items that I want back?”

 

“What about if my ex asks me for their things?”

Ok, let’s tackle the easy one first.

If your ex asks for their things back then you have to give them their stuff back. No if’s, ands or buts about it.Therefore, you are allowed to break the no contact rule but just in this one instance. After the items are exchanged then I want you to go right back into the no contact rule.

How do you handle the interaction when you are exchanging things?

Good question.

Generally you want it to be short and sweet.

This isn’t a time to linger and relive the worst or best parts of your relationship.

Get in, exchange items and get out.

Simple…

Now, lets tackle the more difficult question.

What if your ex has something of yours that you want back. How do you handle that?

Well, the first question I would ask you is how important is it to you?

If we are talking “toothbrush level” type stuff then I think you can live without it and should probably stay in the no contact rule.

But what if it’s something of grave importance to you?

Something like your mothers ashes… Well, then you have my permission to break the no contact rule to get them back.

Fun Fact: Did you ever see the Malcolm in The Middle episode where the babysitter is fighting with her ex over her mothers ashes (I did obviously 😉 .)

Free On Demand Coaching
Yes, please

The Next Very Important Step

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

Now that you have a pretty good idea of how the no contact rule works I want to move on to the next step.

There is a philosophy that I want you to adopt.

It’s called “Dating Yourself.”

In fact, I did a whole interview with a dating coach named Veronica Grant where she pretty much summed up “dating yourself” better than I ever could,

In case you don’t have the patience to watch the entire interview here is her summarization of “dating yourself,”)

Dating yourself is kind of what it sounds like. Doing things for yourself that you would either want or expect your significant other to do for you. So, it can be things like buying yourself flowers, writing yourself a love note, taking a hot bubble bath, taking yourself out for a drink or for a nice dinner but really the deeper essence of it is making yourself feel how you want to feel on your relationship.

Now, I am absolutely in love with this idea, especially during the no contact rule.

Why?

Well, it kind of serves as a gauntlet for weeding out the people who aren’t serious about getting their exes back and simply want to move on. And that’s a great thing because usually half the battle is finding a way to get on the right path.

So, how does this “gauntlet effect” work?

The Gauntlet Effect

It’s hard to admit (because I was a young buck when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery) but I have been doing this for over half a decade. But most of the people who come to this website want one thing and one thing only,

They want to get their exes back.

And I feel I have certainly catered to those people a lot (Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO anyone?)

But sometimes a person comes to me with a horrifying story that makes me think,

“Hmm… maybe you shouldn’t get back with your ex.”

And being me, I usually verbalize my thoughts without thinking a lot of time.

Now, usually when I tell someone this they are very respectful and often times they agree with me. However, when it comes time for them to take specific actions revolving around getting over their ex they actually do the opposite.

Now, after five years of his happening to me I have finally wised up to what’s going on.

Nothing I say will convince a person otherwise and I have simply decided to let people go through their own process (because sometimes that’s what it takes for them to realize their ex is not the right fit for them.)

Ah, but that’s where “The Gauntlet Effect” comes into play.

By utilizing the “date yourself” philosophy during the no contact rule you are essentially putting yourself in a gauntlet to see if you are still interested in your ex by the end of the no contact rule.

Allow me to explain in more detail.

Let’s pretend that you are doing a 30 day no contact rule and you decide that on top of utilizing the “two prongs” that I talked about above you are going to also utilize the “date yourself” philosophy.

And while you are dating yourself you come to the realization that,

“Hmm… my ex never treated me as good as I am treating myself right now..”

And pretty soon this singular thought evolves into,

“I don’t think I want him back.”

Well, that’s the gauntlet effect in play right there. It essentially helps you determine what you really want going forward. Of course, if you come out the other end of the gauntlet and you still want your ex back then you absolutely positively have my permission to do everything in your power to get him back.

I suggest this is the best place to start

Of course, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves now.

WARNING: Most People Who Try The No Contact Rule End Up Failing It

I think I may have mentioned this before but it never hurts to re-iterate.

The odds aren’t in your favor to successfully make it through the no contact rule. In fact, I would say that the vast majority of people I have met have ultimately ended up failing at the no contact rule.

Now, what does that mean?

Well, usually that means that you decide to do a period of no contact and somewhere during that period you end up contacting your ex.

And it’s easy to understand why.

We live in a digital age where temptation is all around us.

I mean, think about it.

How tempting would it be to check your exes Facebook profile?

What about check and see the last time they logged into WhatsApp?

Of course, it’s my job to ensure that you don’t fail at the no contact rule so here’s what I have decided to do for you. I have put together a list of the very best ways that you can safely remove temptation. In other words, if you do the following things then your chances of successfully completing the no contact rule will drastically increase.

  • Getting A Friend To Hold The Number
  • Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time
  • Keeping A Journal
  • Unfollow On Facebook

Let’s talk a little about each of these initiatives.

Getting A Trusted Friend To Hold Onto Your Exes Number

Now, I am not going to lie to you.

This one is a bit flawed.

But more on that in a second. For now, let’s just grasp what this initiative is.

Essentially the way this works is that you write your exes number down on a piece of paper and then you erase that number from your phone. After that, you take the piece of paper to a trusted friend and tell them not to give it to you until your 21 – 45 days are up.

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“I get it and everything but what’s the flaw?

Well, let’s say that I am the trusted friend who you gave your exes number to. And let’s say that your ex contacts you at some point. It will probably still show up on your phone but just as a number you don’t recognize.

Nevertheless, I have seen this method work for a lot of women who have tried it so it isn’t without it’s merits.

Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time

I am a big fan of this one.

Why?

Well, because IF you do the no contact rule the way that I am recommending you to do it then this is going to happen naturally.

Think about it…

The holy trinity…

Dating yourself…

These are things that are meant to keep you buys and most importantly keep your mind off of your ex which is a HUGE problem we are facing. So, the idea here is that you keep yourself so busy that you don’t even have time to contact your ex.

Now, I realize that it’s unrealistic of me to say,

“Ok, as long as you just make yourself busy you won’t ever have time to contact your ex.”

That’s not true.

If someone is motivated enough they will always find time.

But here is the point I want to hammer home for you.

As long as you couple this strategy with a few others you should be golden.

Keeping A Journal

I have to admit that I can’t take credit for this one. This is the brain child of my wife.

So, the way this works is that you go out and buy a journal. Now, the thing about this journal is that it’s only meant for the no contact rule. In other words, this is your no contact rule journal 😉 .

Ok, lame joke aside you are going to utilize this journal to write down your feelings during the no contact rule.

It’s a way to exercise how you are feeling and also a way to prevent yourself from contacting your ex.

Now, let’s say you are going along down the no contact rule and all of a sudden you get this urge to contact your ex. It’s overwhelming and your fingers are literally on the phone typing in their name.

Well, instead of doing that you are going to pull out your journal and write down how you are feeling.

Write down what you want to write…

Write down how angry and upset you are…

Get it all out.

Get it all out until you don’t feel the urge to contact them anymore.

Unfollow Your Ex On Facebook

Notice how I said “unfollow” and not “unfriend”

Believe it or not there is a difference between the two.

Unfollow:

unfollow

Basically by unfollowing your ex they won’t show up in your feed anymore. Now, if you want more details on why I recommend not to fully unfriend your ex then I recommend going here.

So, that’s going to do it for my epic guide on the no contact rule?

What do you think?

Are you confused about anything?

Do you need help with anything?

We would love to hear from you in the comments below!

	https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/chris-avatar.jpg	

Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter

6,132 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule”

  1. Anonymous

    November 21, 2017 at 8:04 pm

    My boyfriend and I broke up in March so that I could take time to focus on myself which was very necessary. He was shocked but I knew that I needed to do it. I grew as an individual and when I was ready, I approached him that I wanted to get back together. I wish I had found this before doing so because it would’ve really helped me with that first approach. We stayed friends and we work in close proximity so during March – September we were friendly and chatted occasionally, hung out occasionally. It was clear to me that he was still very much interested and not getting over it, but I wasn’t ready and he didn’t clearly state anything or else I might’ve jumped back in before I was ready, so in hindsight glad he didn’t say anything specific! Anyway, our summers at work are very hectic and travel intensive, so we didn’t really see each other too much or communicate too much, just every now and then and nothing crazy. Anyway, after the summer I reconvened and I knew I was ready but didn’t know how to proceed. When we initially broke up, I did not indicate that I would be coming back when I was ready because I felt that was an unfair position to put us both in. So he had no idea. I approached him two weeks after we hooked up again after the initial break up. Told him how I needed time to work on myself and I’m a stronger more confident person now and would like to try again. He had a bunch of scared excuses in place but wasn’t able to tell me that there was no chance when I asked. He said “won’t our old problems come back up”, “we should’ve worked it out together the first time” and “i’m just not ready to get back into that”. Other things he said led me to believe he’s ultimately scared to give it a-go with me again. I wish I had approached our conversation differently and also not as abruptly. I can tell there are still feelings there. We have had a couple other conversations since and have gone back and forth on if we are friends or not. He is sort of seeing someone else, but they are not serious. He has blocked me on social media, but still initiates conversations with me in person at work and via text message occasionally. I am going to implement NC for real this time and start things back up again slowly afterward heading your advice this time, trying one more time to prove to him that this time would be different, i’m even more improved and would never give up on us again. I think using your tactics instead of my stupid ones before that it could work this time. I just refuse to believe that this is the end of us and I feel so strongly that he’s going to realize this new girl is nothing in comparison, just new and shiny at the moment. Do you think I’m crazy for even trying again? Is there specific signs I should look for during this NC that might give me any sort of inclination of his feelings? Or certain extra steps I should take to reconcile my mistakes in approach earlier on?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 23, 2017 at 12:23 am

  2. Su

    November 19, 2017 at 7:02 am

    I want to start NC with my ex because we are in the zone of breaking up. I unfollow him in IG but am still friend on FB. However, he is more activate in IG. Should I request a follow in IG?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 20, 2017 at 5:42 pm

      Hi Su,

      Nope, just make your account public

  3. Bradie

    November 10, 2017 at 8:06 pm

    Hey, its heart warming to see a dude that took it upon himself to help others in their difficult mental times.

    My case is as follows:
    1. A 1 year and 3 months relationship ended while i was away abroad and my ex didn’t have me next to her for just under two months – after a few serious arguments, she called me and broke up with me on the phone.

    2. Before leaving i had an intimate session with another girl and kept it a secret from her. I deeply regret it working on myself to strictly remove myself from these situations in the future.

    3. When i got back, it was a her birthday and what happened before i left came to her attention on the night of her birthday (in the most graphic way possible).

    I begged for forgiveness (big mistake, i know) and got shown the door after some violence and a long painful discussion.

    since then, no communication whatsoever and I recently found out she left the country for 3 months.

    How does the no contact rule apply here if at all?

    regards,
    Bradie.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 13, 2017 at 12:50 am

      Hi Bradie,

      have you checked the exgirlfriend recovery site?

  4. Tehnia

    October 30, 2017 at 5:29 am

    Hello, please respond to my email.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 31, 2017 at 9:25 pm

      Hi Tehnia,

      The emails are handlef by Leia, our team mate.. If you replied to those texts, restart the count and do at least 21 days and check this one:
      How To Take Charge Of Your Life After A Breakup (One Woman’s Incredible Story)
      And this one:
      Desperation 101- How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Without Looking Desperate

  5. Tehnia

    October 30, 2017 at 5:28 am

    Hello Chris,

    I posted a comment yesterday but I didn’t see it on the blog this morning and neither your response to it.

    Please I really need your help, email me please, I already have emailed you also.

    Thank you and best regards
    Tehnia

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 31, 2017 at 9:25 pm

      Hi Tehnia,

      The emails are handlef by Leia, our team mate.. If you replied to those texts, restart the count and do at least 21 days and check this one:
      How To Take Charge Of Your Life After A Breakup (One Woman’s Incredible Story)
      And this one:
      Desperation 101- How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back Without Looking Desperate

  6. Bhavna

    October 26, 2017 at 7:53 pm

    I broke up with my ex 2 months ago since then we had few talks through text messages , a week back he texted me saying that , he miss me alot , but don’t wanna ruin my life because he can not keep me happy enough and said ” may you get a man of your life who can love you more than me ” since then I decide to follow no contact rule , it’s the 6th day , I want to ask you , that I have removed him from my whatsaap and deleted my facebook as well , he can not find me or see what I am up to through any socoal media , is that fine doing or should I activate my facebook and make him stalk me and see my happy posts ??

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 29, 2017 at 11:26 am

      HI Bhavna,

      You need to reactivate your facebook account..

  7. 12345

    October 12, 2017 at 6:44 pm

    Did you advise Jessica to move out immediately or move out after the 21 days of no contact? I am going on week 2 and have been staying at my parents but some of my things are still in the apartment

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 13, 2017 at 5:25 pm

      It would be better to move out immediately and then start nc

  8. Janet

    October 7, 2017 at 4:55 am

    I love what you said. Could you help me please. My boyfriend put another girl on the phone to say “he’s not available right now”, right after he had already said hi to me. She sounded like an attractive voice so I know the voice was already there. I’m so upset right now you have no idea and no one to talk about it too. He got back on the phone right after she said it and said he was only kidding, that she’s coworker & I flipped. I told him never to talk to me again & that she’s lucky she lives miles away because I would smack the living shit out of her. I know I shouldn’t have said all that and it’ll make me look bad but I was so upset and felt so betrayed. He says he lives me all the time and he pulls a thing like this. I want to cry right now. I told him never to talk to me again but I honestly don’t know if I’m overreacting or if I should just break up with him. I mean, how can I be an unforgettable, ungettable girl if he has some coworker of his he gives his phone to, to talk to me. Joke or not, I feel it tells me something and I feel like fuck it but I love him so much. Hurts to let him go. So upset right now. I’m going to cry.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 8, 2017 at 9:50 pm

      Hi Janet,

      How are things now?

  9. T

    October 5, 2017 at 10:30 am

    He has his own business which is not good at the moment. He said that it might take years to fix it and since I’m 34 he doesn’t want to waste my time. Btw – he did the same last year before moving to my house. He was afraid of that commitment. He broke with me and I made NC rule which obviously worked. In this case should I do the same? It will be so obvious…. I really want him back. Our love is mutual and I blame his depression for the choice he made.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 6, 2017 at 8:56 pm

      Yeah, make it 45 days but make it in a way that you’re preparing your life if you don’t get him back. Do nc for yourself, not for him. If he’s like that when he has business struggles, nc is not going to change him. NC is for you to arrange your new routine, give him time to think and to maintain the new routine after nc while you’re slowly building rapport.. If after you’ve built rapport, you got to talk about everything and he didn’t make any changes, or at least didn’t try to, move on.

  10. T

    October 4, 2017 at 12:06 pm

    Very funny.. my post disappeared!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 5, 2017 at 7:33 am

      Hi T,

      It’s still here, it just haven’t been approved.. If he is struggling because he doesn’t have a job, why not put more of his effort in finding one instead of getting married?

  11. T

    October 4, 2017 at 11:13 am

    Hello. My ex just moved out from my home. We have been together for 2 years. We had a very good relationship- best relationship he ever had, he said. when he broke up with me he said that this relashionship can not last forever like this and that we need either to get married or to end it. That he was thinking about proposing me, but he said that he has nothing to offer me once we are merried ( no stable job). This was the obstacle and he just can’t make the next step. He really loves me and he is suffering right now, because he left. I told him and I’m very angry at him that he didn’t choose the other option ( to propose me ) and he said the he is angry at himself as well, but he needs to live with that option from now on. How should I apply the NC rule?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 5, 2017 at 7:33 am

      Hi T,

      It’s still here, it just haven’t been approved.. If he is struggling because he doesn’t have a job, why not put more of his effort in finding one instead of getting married?

  12. Lisa

    October 3, 2017 at 4:25 pm

    Hello. Ex-bf and I just broke up but still living together. We broke up because we always fight. How do I do the non contact rule? How long can I stay before I move out?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 3, 2017 at 10:07 pm

  13. Bree

    October 2, 2017 at 2:05 pm

    so the Situation is as follows: i am 34 he is 25. i was his first gf (which i know is always a risk) and he pretty much only just started growing up because of a very protective mother. we were in a Long distance relationship for a year and met 7 times over that period of time.
    we broke up 1.5 months ago, which came completely out of the blue to me. since then we were the same as before (including cam sex) and Messaging and talking all day.
    he says i am the sweetest Girl in the world and his most trusted Person.
    before we got together he lost 80 Kilos but still feels ugly. he says he Needs to know if other Girls want him too or if i am just one in a Million. so since we broke up we went from “i want to be with someone whos Brains i want to fuck out as soon as i see them” (i am overweight but according to him have the most beautiful face in the whole world) to “i cant even kiss a Girl if i dont want a relationship with her”… he has the mindset of a 16 years old thanks to the way he grew up…
    he established the NC rule for 5 weeks almost a week ago and we said good bye under tears and told each other what we love about each other and he said he Needs some time alone to figure out if he just feels sorry for me or if there is more and so his mind can get some rest and he can find within himself whatever will make him more confident and he cant always rely on me to help him with everything.
    i understand all of it, i even understand if he Needs to date someone else so he can appreciate me. i am just having a very hard time with nc, especially Weekends when he goes out…
    is the nc rule of any use here or is it just an excuse to get away from me?

    i am working on myself, i changed my mindset towards some things that bothered him and i already lost 13 Kilos since the breakup 🙂
    thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 2, 2017 at 10:21 pm

      Hi Bree,

      He didn’t use the nc rule..because bc means he is not contacting you with the goal of trying to get you back after it.. Check this one:
      The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends

  14. Nastya

    October 2, 2017 at 1:31 pm

    Does this technique suppose that you shouldn’t even post pics and videos of you on social network? So as I herd in one source not to let him to get any news about you . Or it depends on situation?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 2, 2017 at 10:18 pm

      Hi Nastya,

      It would be better if you post because that’s your indirect way of showing your improvements

  15. Bella

    October 2, 2017 at 1:17 pm

    Me and my boyfriend been together for 4 years and 3 months. But we broke up last week because I caught him cheating. At first I already know about that girl and he talking on the ph and met outside for once. He lied to me that he doesn’t like that girl and I believed that. That’s why I let him keep talking with that girl. But last week I found out that girl posted their photo on social media and I freaked out. And I cried and begged him to break up with her. He said he can’t do it right at the moment. He said he needed time to do it. So stupidly, I go talked with that girl and begged her to leave him. And she said she can’t. And finally I became a loser in this relationship and being left with heart broken. Before I saw this website I kept sending him emails and begged him to come back and told him I forgave him. But I get no response. Until now that girl keep posting about how much they love each other and their photos. Even now I’m in the NCR period, when I saw those posts, it’s killing me and drugged me down . I want him back. Will NCR work for our relationship to get back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 2, 2017 at 10:16 pm

  16. Olivia

    September 30, 2017 at 4:19 am

    Hi,

    I was dating a guy for 3 months – we were exclusive but not girlfriend boyfriend. I broke up with him just yesterday because I felt like he was taking me for granted. Will no contact work with us? Or it only works for couples who have been fully committed to each other?

    Thanks.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 30, 2017 at 10:00 pm

      Hi Olivia,

      It’s not a guarantee that it will work in any situation, it only helps increase your chances..

  17. Wes

    September 26, 2017 at 2:51 am

    Put me on no contact fine. What you can do so can I. Only one difference.
    I’ll put you on permanent no contact walk away and never fucking look back.
    There wont be a guessing game of is my ex going to contact to me and when.
    Maybe you blow my phone up maybe you come knock my
    door. Maybe you get a restraining order put on you real quick…

  18. Jess

    September 25, 2017 at 6:15 am

    Hi Amor!

    Thanks for responding to my comment, I actually wrote you back a few days ago although I want to update it as of today I broke NC for the second time after a week. (We broke up a month ago) In my previous message I wrote how with the first NC I felt great cause I haven’t contacted him until the 7th day when I sent a reminder for his portion of the phone bill I saw I was blocked which was shocking to me since a week ago he texted me about the phone bill and end it with just “okay” which didn’t need a reply back for. After having to email him about the bill, he unblocked me on his phone and texted me “hi” and “hey” two hours later he asked a question about the account which I actually did respond to and didn’t text him back when he sent screenshot of proof of payment and sent another text minutes later saying he paid it. I figured he blocked me immediately again anyways, but as of today (week later) I broke NC by sending him a picture of a cat breed we love and someone is selling to which I sent a photo & “Looks like your cat. Had to share this picture. Hope all is well with you” surprisingly it got delievered (no longer blocked after almost full out block) but he didn’t reply which made my heart sank more. Im upset at myself for breaking it but in a way I felt okay knowing he didn’t block me again afterwards and saw I haven’t reached out for a week. But at the same time horrible for having a moment of weakness and the fact he didn’t bother relying when clearly it’s harder on me than it is for him. How can I get past NC for more than a week and are my chances slim to none due to the fact I started NC a month after we broke up and how he isn’t reaching out all.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 26, 2017 at 7:29 pm

      Hi Jess,

      Check this one:
      How To Stay In No Contact

  19. Silvia

    September 24, 2017 at 9:54 pm

    Ok… the guy i was dating for 10 months ghosted me for couple of days, and Wednesday i decided to send a message saying it was over, as i didn’t hear from him… i message him a couple of times after it (ok, lots of time) but never asking to get back or putting myself as a victim… i just wanted him to come to pick his nephew gifts as i didn’t think it’s fair to the child to be affected by his decision… yesterday i didn’t say a thing, and today i just sent a message saying that i am not used to this situation, and i don’t know how to deal with it, and for all the awesome time we spent together, i just wish he could close in a friendly way… again.. no answer… do you think there’s still a chance to get him back if i follow the no contact rule? and for how long should i do that?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 28, 2017 at 8:03 pm

  20. Jess

    September 21, 2017 at 4:45 am

    Thanks for replying. So I ended up buying the pro and I do find it helpful. Although I do have to say at first I felt good going into NC for a week and yesterday sent him a text reminder to pay his portion of the phone (it was 3 days past due) and I saw he blocked me. I don’t know when he decided to block me since our last text was a week ago asking if my mom was okay since she went to the ER (she’s okay!) so how is he suppose to see I’m not contacting or becoming a GNAT if he keeps blocking me off his phone? I just don’t understand this person anymore, we did have a rocky past month before breaking up and I know he states he’s extremely stressed with school and wants me to leave him alone but Im scared he meant it based off him almost doing a full block out. It’s been 4 weeks since the break up and one week into NC.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 26, 2017 at 7:29 pm

      Hi Jess,

      Check this one:
      How To Stay In No Contact

  21. Lulu

    September 21, 2017 at 1:33 am

    So im confused.. I wanna do this NC rule but thing is my situation is that we were together but he decided that he wants to focus on his life and such and has no times for love relationships so we switched back to being little more than friends but less than lovers.. So we are in daily contact.. Do i just stop contacting out of the blue.. Or do i tell him that I cannot go on pretending that i have no feeling for you and then start the NC rule? I think it would be rudw if i just cut him out out of the blue and recontact them after a month

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 26, 2017 at 7:16 pm

      Hi Lulu,

      You cab tell him that but dont mention that you’re doing nc

    2. Lulu

      September 29, 2017 at 6:36 am

      I actually started it without saying a word and he instanty stopped texting and figured that I don’t wanna talk to him anymore is that alright?

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 30, 2017 at 6:01 pm

      Yup that’s ok

  22. Bey

    September 20, 2017 at 4:15 pm

    Hey,
    So I’ve been dating this guy (it’s been about a year and a half) on and off. When we first started talking, I didn’t really like him that much and we eventually stopped talking after a few months. A couple of months later, he reached out to me again and we went out a couple of times again but we just sort of fell out. After a few months (earlier this year) we started talking again but he made it a point to tell me that he wasn’t going to be talking to anyone else and that he was just going to focus on me. I still didn’t really like him that much but I continued to talk to him and I grew to like him even more. He used to ask me to be his gf but I always refused since I didn’t like him, but after I started to, he didn’t ask me anymore so I asked him why and he said that after some thought he realized he wasn’t ready for a relationship yet because it takes a lot of work. I was a little frustrated by that but I tried not to push the issue so we were just really exclusively dating but after a couple of months, I wanted a little more because I felt like it was just an excuse to not be official (he wanted me to meet his cousin and introduced me to his parents and sister via FaceTime) and I thought were doing all the things that a relationship pretty much involves so why not be official so I told him that I would give him time but eventually if we didn’t move forward I would start talking to other people and he asked me to be in one about a week later. Well we lasted about a month before he called me and told me that he didn’t want to necessarily break up but he wanted to “postpone” the relationship because he doesn’t want the relationship to crash and burn if he’s not fully being committed because he wanted to focus on his family time and his job but he also felt like I liked him more than he liked me and he doesn’t want me to get too invested and it doesn’t work out. So I said that was fine but the next day, I see him on snapchat at a party and his ex (who he was with for 5 years and engaged to) was there. That wasn’t a problem to me since I know they have the same group of friends but I didn’t like that she was so comfortable to grab his phone and post herself on there like it wasn’t a problem. I asked him about it and he said that she just took his phone and that he didn’t know she posted it and he deleted the snaps. I was starting to think that he “broke up” with me because he knew she was coming back in town but he said he didn’t know. He also said that they had tried getting back together before but it didn’t work out and that was over a year ago before I came in the picture. He hasn’t lied to me before but I find it really confusing on what to do because he’s not really an emotional person and idk how to read him. I don’t know if he’s subtly telling me to move on or if he actually wants to focus on work. He’s even said how he would understand if I wanted to talk to other people but he wasn’t going to just because he doesn’t have time. I’m not sure what I should do. I don’t want to wait for him but I also don’t want to talk to other people if there is a chance that’d we’d be back together. Should I just give up or start with no contact? I started doing no contact and have been doing it for about 8 days now. He texted me on the second day but I never replied and he’s been watching all of my Snapchat stories and I stopped watching his but after while it’s like he stopped watching mine just because I stopped watching his and he seems to be posting more than usual so I’m not sure if he’s doing this because of me or not

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 25, 2017 at 9:38 pm

      Hi Bey,

      Continue on with nc..focus in improving and healing yourself and be active in posting too.

  23. Jess

    September 7, 2017 at 11:10 pm

    Hi there,

    I’m debating whether to bother getting the Ex Boyfriend PRO book for my situation. My ex and I were together for three years up until last month before we broke up things went south over a small argument due to him starting school & being too busy to check in with me (one text wouldn’t kill him). He broke up with me because I was GNATTING him and went extreme that he blocked me for the day and I desperately wanted him to talk to me so I called & texted him with different numbers. We broke up, he stated he’s never experienced anything so annoying in his entire life and that side of me was the biggest turn off ever. He says he wants to focus on school (starts 8am – 6pm) and has no time for me since we are two hours away from each other (he currently doesn’t have a car) and weekends he’s working & wants to study and do homework on his downtime. No matter what I pleaded he states he doesn’t want to be in a relationship especially now he’s extremely stressed with school and that’s going to be his only priority. He seems very firm with that and wants nothing to do with me anymore.

    That was three weeks ago, so I started the NC late and three days in I texted him asking if he can return my things when he comes to pick up his kitten I’ve been babysitting. And I saw he blocked me. I notice he unblocks me to contact me about a time and day he’s trying to get the kitten from me and blocks me immediately after. How is he going to know I’m ignoring him if he blocks me when I haven’t once tried to contact him unless it’s about my stuff? When he last contacted me I told him to contact my family member instead of texting me and he asked why was I acting this way (just straight to the point) and he’s going to text me regardless. If he wants nothing to do with me anymore and his actions (blocking) are backing up his words why would he insist to only contact me? Is it even worth getting the PRO if he seems very firm on leaving me behind while he focuses on achieving his goal? This doesn’t seem like him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 12, 2017 at 9:24 pm

      HI Jess,

      yep, buy the pro, the content would give you a lot of insights.. Be active in improving yourself and in posting and make your posts public so he can still see it if he blocks you.

  24. Dee

    August 24, 2017 at 10:54 am

    HELP…. Im 42 and finaly met the man of me dreams… We both fell in love with each other quite quickly, but then he went really cold, not sure if it was just coz the honeymoon period was over, but that made me feel really insecure, I did try to tell him I was feeling like this and needed reassuring, but I didnt get the reassurance I needed, and then things just went down hill, and he ended it.. I am heart broken.. I ruined it.. :(((((((
    He told me he was still in love with me, and that he didnt want anyone, so I thought Id just give him some space, but 2 days after this he re opened his Tinder profile, and he has now added women on his fb.. This has crushed me, how could he do this so soon, is this just him being a man and ego boost??
    I have now blocked him on fb as I dont want to keep seeing what is going on, but im now unsure that was the right thing to do as now I think he will just forget about me as he wont see what I am up to…
    I am doing NC and im on day 14, im finding it really hard, and I really miss him, and worried I will never be able to make it right and get him back.. He is a very stobborn man, and you cant push him as he them goes off and wont talk..
    what do I do

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 24, 2017 at 11:27 pm

      Hi Dee,

      how long was your relationship? When did you break up? HOw much did you improve yourself? You need to be active in posting. Either you unblock him or make your posts public.

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