What Is The No Contact Rule?

Will the No Contact Rule Work for You?

A few months ago I conducted an independent study where I took all the people who I had helped with getting their exes back and dissected exactly what they did to actually succeed.

I wanted to see if I could locate any trends and ultimately fine tune my advice to make this website better.

Of course, this study proved to be a bit challenging due to the fact that I hadn’t kept any notes on any of the success stories that I had a hand in.

So, as you can imagine, I found it to be difficult to get the level of detail that I was hoping for.

However, after it was all said and done I did end up finding one trend.

“Without a doubt the no contact rule is essential to getting an ex back.”

My research indicated that it was present in exactly 74% of the successes. Meaning that if you have your mind set on getting your ex back then you had better adopt the no contact rule strategy as soon as possible. Of course, this revelation got me thinking.

My page on “the no contact rule” on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is very outdated. Hell, I think it is several years old and if you know anything about me then you would know that I strive to write the best content in the world when it comes to exes.

And having such an essential page be outdated is not good.

So, I decided to revamp it.

I want to turn this tiny little 3,000 word page into a massive 10,000 word one. In other words, when I am through with this page there will literally be nothing out there that can bring the level of clarity that I can bring when it comes to the no contact rule.

Now, I realize that may sound a little arrogant but I prefer to say it’s confidence.

But that’s enough of this build up.

Let’s talk about the no contact rule!

BUT FIRST… There’s Something Important You Need To Know

I have been helping men and women get back with their exes for over half a decade and I have learned that most people have preconceived notions when they end up on my site. They think that all they have to do is follow the directions that I give them on the page and they are good to go. Now, while this may hold true in some cases I will say that the no contact rule is usually such a complex process that I can’t explain everything there is to explain about it in one simple article.

Luckily, I have created an “ultimate resource” for you to follow to not only help you understand the correct way use the no contact rule but to also help you get your ex back.

All you have to do learn about this resource is to click the button below,

Master the No Contact RuleWith Tactics I Just Can't Post Publically...


Published April 26, 2013, | Modified November 8, 2016

1 - The Puzzle Analogy

If you are familiar with my work on Ex Boyfriend Recovery then you would know that I often like to compare getting an ex back to a puzzle.

It just so happens that the no contact rule is the largest piece of that puzzle.

Hell, it’s a large enough piece that it warrants it’s own book, The No Contact Rule Book.

More on that in a second. For now I just want you to take a look at the graphic below.

What do you see?

It’s a puzzle that is divided into two sections.

The top section


The bottom section

Now, let’s pretend that the top section of the puzzle is considered to be “the no contact rule” and the bottom part of the puzzle is considered to be the rest of the “ex recovery” strategy that I teach on this site.


And in order to successfully get your ex back you need to merge the two puzzle pieces.

In other words, you can’t just rely on one side of the puzzle to do the work for you. I have noticed that over the years that people who come to this site always seem to be under the impression that all they need to do to win their ex back is implement the no contact rule.

That’s not true.

Yes, the no contact rule may, without a doubt, be the most important aspect of ex recovery but it isn’t going to get you over the finish line alone.

Why would I tell you this?

I want you to manage your expectations going in to reading this article. I want you to understand that there is still more work after this.

Now, I also don’t want to give off the impression that the no contact rule is easy.

It’s not.

There is a reason that the largest book that we have here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery is,

“The No Contact Rule Book”

But perhaps I should stop rambling and start explaining.

2 - What Is The No Contact Rule?

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

I enjoy making things as simple as possible for people and that’s what I am going to do here.

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

Now, I said I was going to make this as easy as possible for you to understand so let’s break this definition down piece by piece.

Let’s start with this part,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

There is nothing too out of the ordinary here.

Cutting off all communication means that you don’t talk to your ex at all in any way shape or form.

Well… this isn’t exactly true all the time (as I will teach you later) but for now just roll with it.

If your ex texts you, you ignore them.

If they call you… Yup, you ignore them.




Get it?

Got it?


Ok, the next part of our definition is,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

One of the most popular questions that I get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is,

“Chris, how long should my no contact rule last for?”

It’s a good question because it depends wholly on your situation. You see, I used to claim that everyone should stick to a very basic 30 day rule. In other words, if you were going to try the no contact rule you should ignore your ex for a month.

But experience has taught me that this isn’t always the best practice.

For some situations 30 days may be too long and for others it may not be long enough.

That’s why you will see me recommending three different time frames when it comes to the no contact rule,

  1. The 21 Day Rule
  2. The 30 Day Rule
  3. The 45 Day Rule

Now, each of these rules have a different purpose.

So, what I would like to do now is help you determine which of these time frames is ideal for you.

(Side Note: There are pros and cons to each of these rules. So, consider everything before you pick one.)

The 21 Day Rule

The 21 day rule is the shortest rule that I am willing to recommend here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. It’s perfect for those situations where you think your ex is going to freak out if you ignore them.

Let me give you an example.

Imagine that you were to use the no contact rule on your ex and you got a string of text messages that looked like this,


I have found that it’s counter productive to continue ignoring an ex for too long when you are getting the type of messages you want to be seeing from them.

But that leads us to an interesting question.

What if you aren’t getting the type of responses you want to see from an ex?

What if they freak out but not in a good way?


Well, then the 21 day rule isn’t going to be ideal.

Instead, you may want to look into the 30 or 45 day rule.

Speaking of the 30 day rule…

The 30 Day Rule

The 30 day no contact rule is what I like to call the basic no contact rule.

In other words, it should be your ideal starting point.

Take a look at the graphic I put together for you below,


This graphic is meant to represent what I want every person who does the no contact rule to do.

I want them to start off by doing a 30 day rule and then based on how their ex reacts to the no contact rule I want them to adapt.

So, let’s say that you are doing the no contact rule on your ex and you receive the positive messages that you received above with the 21 day rule,


But this doesn’t just happen once.

No, this is the third time something like this has started to happen.

Well, in that case then you probably want to move your 30 day rule to a 21 day rule,


Of course, the opposite is true if you receive negative text messages.

If that ends up happening then you probably want to turn your 30 day rule into a 45 day rule,


Let’s move on and talk a little more in-depth about the 45 day no contact rule.

The 45 Day Rule

45 days is the longest I am willing to recommend for a no contact rule.

I know that may shock some of you who are familiar with what other experts recommend but there is a reason for why I don’t think a no contact period should ever last longer than 45 days.

On average how long do you think it takes a human being to break a habit?

According to research, 66 days.

So technically speaking it may only take your ex 66 days to get out of the habit of thinking about you. Now, can you imagine if you flat out ignored your ex for 90 days and then all of a sudden out of the blue you texted them.

Wouldn’t that be weird?

They may already be over you and you may not even have a chance at getting them back.

But lets move on from talking about time frames for a second and keep defining the no contact rule,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery,

Hmm… I think this one deserves it’s own section to be honest with you.

3 - The Two Pronged Strategy

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

The way I teach the no contact rule versus the way other experts out there teach it is a little different.

Take a look at the graphic below,


This is how I teach the no contact rule.

You see, the no contact rule gives everyone who uses it an opportunity to implement a two pronged strategy.

  • Prong One = Making An Ex Miss You
  • Prong Two = Facilitates Recovery

Lets talk about each of the prongs for a bit first.

Prong One (Making An Ex Miss You)

If you were to ask any person what their ideal outcome would be if they were to use the no contact rule it would be that their ex goes so crazy over being ignored that they want to get back together as soon as possible.

In other words, their ex would exhibit the behavior of someone who misses a lover.

And I am not going to lie, the no contact rule does do this.

This is one of the BIGGEST assets of implementing the no contact rule.

However, it’s rare for an ex to ask you to get back together so I wouldn’t really bank on it. What I will say is that the no contact rule can drastically increase the chances of making an ex miss you and their is scientific proof backing this up.

Have you ever heard of psychological reactance?


“Psychological Reactance is defined as a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioral freedoms. Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or her choices or limiting the range of alternatives.”

Now, that may have been a lot to swallow if you weren’t a psychology major so allow me to break it down.

Psychological reactance assumes that there are a set number of freedoms that a person has. However, when one of those freedoms is taken away the person will react to it. Usually in a way where they try to reobtain that freedom.

So, let’s look at what’s happening here.

By ignoring your ex you are denying them certain freedoms (the freedom to talk to you.) So, according to psychological reactance they are going to react in a way to try to try to get that freedom back.

Think of it like this.

Let’s say I offer my daughter a cookie and she accepts it.

A simple premise, right?

Let’s shake things up.

Now let’s say that I offer my daughter a cookie and right when she reaches for it I end up taking it away and placing it on a nearby table.

(I am definitely a horrible parent 🙁 .)

What do you think she is going to do?

Well, she understands on a basic level that her freedom to have that cookie has just been taken away and she is going to do everything in her power to get it.

That’s psychological reactance at work.

Her freedom to have the cookie was just taken away and as a result she behaved in a way to get it back.

Prong Two (Facilitating A Recovery)

I am a little appalled of how little people talk about the second prong of the no contact rule.


Because in my opinion it’s the most powerful aspect of NC.

Think about it, in the end all you can do is influence your ex to feel a certain way. Truthfully, you don’t have any control over what they think or the actions they take.

However, when it comes to prong two you have complete control because prong two focuses heavily on you.

Think of it this way,


By facilitating a recovery you are going to become more confident in yourself. As you grow more confident in yourself you are going to appear more attractive towards the people around you.

That includes your ex.

Such was the case for Natalie, the woman featured in episode of three of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast (https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/episode3/). You see, she ended up moving on a facilitated a recovery.

The result = Her ex ended up contacting her and hitting on her.

But this begs an interesting question.

How do you facilitate a recovery?

Well, you want to utilize what I call “The Holy Trinity.”

4 - The Holy Trinity

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

It’s actually three things.

Health, wealth and relationships.

I’ll tell you what. I am going to go put together a report for you explaining this.

One sec….

Ok, here you go,

(Holy Trinity)

This book will explain the basics of “The Holy Trinity.”

In a nutshell, you can divide the most important aspects of your life into these three categories.

Well, during the no contact rule you want to only be doing things that positively impact these three aspects of your life.

I talk about this briefly in the holy trinity report.

But here’s something I don’t talk about in the report.

The three aspects of the holy trinity are interconnected. What affects one aspect will end up affecting the other aspects.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say that you lose your job. Thus, your “wealth” category is negatively impacted,


Common sense, right?

But as a result of losing your job you become very depressed and your “mental health” becomes impacted,


With your “mental health” compromised you begin to take your frustrations out on your significant other and as a result they break up with you,


All in all, everything gets impacted negatively. It’s like quicksand. One bad thing happens and everything gets pulled down with it. However, if we are going to buy into this theory of everything being connected that also means that when something positive happens to one of the aspects everything else gets impacted as well in a positive way.

For example, let’s say that you start working out and look the best you have ever looked before,


As a result you gain more confidence and end up doing great in a job interview and get a new job,


With more confidence and a great new job word gets around and eventually reaches your ex who looks at you in a whole new light,


What impacts one aspect of the holy trinity will impact the others in some way, shape or form. Remember this as you aim to facilitate your recovery. Now, I am going to talk a lot about the holy trinity when I talk about the “no contact rule” calendar later.

For now, let’s move on and talk about the other aspect of facilitating a recovery.

Facilitating A Recovery Within Your Ex

I have a simple question for you.

Do you think you will have a better chance of getting your ex back if they are angry at you or if they are a little calmer?

Calmer, right?

Well, the other great thing about facilitating your own recovery from the breakup is that it gives your ex a chance to facilitate their own recovery from the breakup.

Why do you want them to recover from the breakup?

Well, because it’s going to allow them to be more rational for when the time finally comes for you to reach out to them.

But we will talk about that later.

Now that you have a good idea of what the no contact rule entails let’s turn our attention to a very common question that we get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery,

“Can I ever break the no contact rule?”

Will the No Contact Rule Work for You?

The one question we get more than any other is Will the No Contact Rule Work For My Situation? I can’t read through and answer each question individually (because I literally get hundreds, sometimes thousands of emails per day), but what I did do is built an awesome calculator that I use myself to determine the impact of the No Contact Rule on almost any situation.

It takes about 4 minutes, and will go through 1) Details About You, 2) Details About Your Ex Boyfriend, and 3) The External Factors Involved in your breakup, and will calculate the actual chances that using the No Contact Rule will be effective in your situation. Kind of like personalized advise from me for free 🙂

Take 5 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Now!

5 - Can You Ever Break The No Contact Rule?

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

This is one of those things that I constantly get asked.

Seriously, I must have been asked this at least 500 times.

Originally I was of the mindset that you shouldn’t ever break the no contact rule. In fact, I think if you go to (this article link) you will notice that I say just that. However, lets say you find yourself in a scenario where you are doing the no contact rule and your ex texts you with something like this,


Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

Well, according to my earlier advice you wouldn’t be able to.

Do you see the flaw with that type of thinking?

I am all about adapting and updating which is why I no longer think it’s necessary to stay in a no contact rule given the right circumstances.

Now, the keyword there is “right circumstances.”

One of the sad facts that I have learned about the people who visit my website is that if I give them a little bit of leeway they will take advantage of that. In other words, if I sit here and tell you that you can break the no contact rule early an idea gets planted in your head where you may potentially look for any reason to break it early.

Which is why I am very strict about the rules you can utilize to break the no contact rule early.

There are seven factors that you need to look at when determining whether or not you can break the no contact rule early.

Those seven factors are,

  1. How long you were in the relationship with your ex for?
  2. How many days have passed since you started the no contact rule?
  3. How many times have you broken up with this person before?
  4. Where are you in your own personal recovery?
  5. What was the cause of the break up?
  6. Who initiated the break up?
  7. How many positive communications have you received from your ex since starting the no contact rule?

Let’s take each data point and talk a bit about it.

I believe you will be better prepared to make a decision on which “road” to take, if you understand each piece of the puzzle. Only then can you fit them together and see what picture emerges.

You see, there is a synergistic relationship between these 7 data points. They need to be evaluated and considered together as a whole.

Sort like the 3 Musketeers!

(Even though D’Artagnan is never counted.)

You know…one for all and all for one!

Except in this case, we have the 7 Musketeers!

Factor One: How Long Were You In A Relationship With Your Ex For?

This can be a useful data point because if you have been involved with your Ex for a lengthy period of time, then this history between the two of you should give you some valuable insight on how to approach the situation.

If the history reveals a relationship plagued with many conflicts and multiple breakups, then you should take note of this pattern. It is probably telling you something. You may benefit more from staying on course with your No Contact strategy.

Then we have the situation in which the relationship was only weeks or a few months in duration.

Relatively speaking, that is not a very long time to build a solid foundation.

Breaking up after such a short time, suggests that something is not working out for one or both partners. In such a situation, making an exception and ending your No Contact is probably not a good idea.

Maybe things will work out.

Maybe not.

But I would think long and hard before breaking off the No Contact.

Factor Two: How many days have passed since you started the no contact rule?

If you hear from your ex on day 5 of your No Contact Period, it may be too early to make an exception.

While not a “deal breaker”, since all of these data points need to be considered as a whole, you should know that your ex reaching out to you so soon may be more to do with their “rebound emotions”.

You both may need more time to sort things out on your own, before you try to do it together.

Now on the other hand, if your ex reaches out to you on day 26 of your 30 day No Contact Period, I would be inclined to recommend you consider ending “No Contact” and exploring what is on their mind.

Unless, of course, your ex was spewing some nasty venom.

Which leads us to the next factor.

Factor Three: What Is Your Track Record With Your Ex?

If you guys have had multiple breakups in the past, then it probably is not in your best interest to make an exception.

The on again, off again relationship cycle is not healthy.

Where on the other hand, if you guys have been pretty solid in the past, that bodes well for your future.

Maybe you can cut short your No Contact Period on the strength of this factor and other data points.

Factor Four: Where Are You In Your Personal Recovery

Are you truly ready to talk to your ex again?

How much time has gone by since you last spoke?

How far along are you in your No Contact Period?

The more time that has gone by, the better, because it takes TIME to heal.

Have you been able to set aside the angry and resentful feelings you may have had following the breakup?

Do you feel you have progressed emotionally in other ways?

Are your drawing closer to becoming the best version of yourself?

Can you honestly say you have learned something meaningful about yourself?

These are the kind of things you need to think about. The last thing you want is to try to re-enter your relationship when your wounds have not healed.

Factor Five: What Caused The Breakup

If your ex cheated on you, then I am not an advocate of ending the No Contact Period early. Not unless all of the other Data Points are strongly and positively in place.

When weighing whether an exception should be made, one really needs to put a lot of weight on what caused the breakup.

Ask yourself, how severe and ugly was the ending of the relationship?

The more severe, the longer one should stay with No Contact. Breakups can be damaging and both parties need to time heal.

All breakups are going to hurt, no matter the degree of severity.

But it is usually easier to spring back from breakups if they did not cause considerable spite, anger, and hate.

Factor Six: Who Initiated The Breakup

The forces of “personal power” play a role during and after the relationship.

If you initiated the breakup, you have more personal power, at least on this matter.

But be careful with power.

It can go straight to your head in a matter of speaking, but you may not be thinking with the right side of your brain.

If you are feeling really cocky and confident about this new development of your ex reaching out to you, you may not be in the right place “emotionally” to properly gauge your situation.

Now, if your ex initiated the breakup and is now reaching out, you still need to weigh things carefully. On its surface, it may appear that the balance of personal power has swayed to your favor. Perhaps, your ex realizes they made a mistake.

Just tread carefully. In other words,

You Initiating The Breakup > Your Ex Initiating The Breakup

Factor Seven: How Many Positive Communications Did You Receive?

I saved the best and most important data point, for last! This is why I call it the Golden Factor.

What you should be looking for are multiple positive messages sent by your ex to you. One attempt to communicate, even if it’s made in the most positive way, is usually not enough, particularly if the other data points are not favorable.

When an ex reaches out to you and tells you something really nice and pleasant, that demonstrates good faith. If it is repeated, that shows the person probably really cares. If you receive a few more communications, that demonstrates a persistence.

As long as those messages sent to you have a positive energy, that bodes well for you.

Now if you get bombarded with negative message after negative message, to a point where it seems like your ex is obsessing….well, that is not a good thing.

If that happens, I would suggest you ignore those many obsessive contacts.

Positive contact can come in multiple forms.

It could be text messages. It could be emails. It could be phone messages. It could be old fashioned letters. It could be a message in a bottle. It could be a bouquet of flowers or a gift with a card.

Hell, it can even be on Facebook or Snapchat.

The main thing is that such messages need to number more than one.

They need to be positive, friendly and respectful. And they need to occur within a brief period of time (e.g. over a few days, perhaps over a week).

What if they show up at your door?

Don’t fall for it the first time around. Be nice and tell them you need more time. If this happens a few times and your ex conducted themselves respectfully, well, an exception may be in order.

Remember, I said it may be in order! You need to look at all of the data points and judge whether you wish to end your No Contact Period.
Is there any magic number of data points which have to be met, before you make an Exception?

Yes, and that leads me to my next point.

6 - The Rule Of Four

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

Do you remember above when I mentioned that if I give people too much leeway they will take advantage of it and look for any excuse to break the no contact rule.

Well, that’s what the rule of four is meant for.

There are a total of seven factors that you need to look at if you are considering ending the no contact rule early. Well, what if I told you that you only needed four of those factors to break it.

It’s just that one of those factors has to be the “golden factor,”

The Golden Factor = Receiving Multiple Positive Communications From Your Ex

For example, let’s say that you have checked off every other factor except the golden one.

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

No, the golden factor is essential for breaking no contact early.

But what if you have the golden factor but you don’t get any of the other factors?

Can you break no contact?

No, obtaining three other factors is just as essential as obtaining the golden factor.

That’s the rule of four.

Get it?

Got it?


7 - Situations That Make You Alter The No Contact Rule

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

This is where things tend to get a bit more complicated. You see, in addition to understanding the rules for breaking the no contact rule early (which I am just going to tell you upfront is very rare) you will also need to understand that there are going to be certain situations that you may find yourself that will require you to alter the no contact rule.

Now, altering a no contact rule is completely different than breaking it.

What’s the difference?

Altering No Contact = You are still technically under the no contact period you just might be playing with a slightly different set of rules.


Breaking No Contact = You should be advancing to the next phase of the strategy to get your ex back.

Now, there are actually a lot of different situations that may make you alter your no contact rule BUT I don’t have the time to list out each and every one of them.

Instead, I thought that it would be best if I just listed out the most common alterations I see people having to make,

  • If Children Are Involved
  • If You Work With Them
  • If You Live With Them
  • If You Go To School With Them
  • If You Unexpectedly Run Into Them
  • The Item Exchange

Now, since this is Ex Boyfriend Recovery and we are committed to creating the best content in the world relating to exes we are going to go above and beyond for you by teaching you the alterations you are going to have to make for each of these situations.

Let’s start from the top.

The Alterations You Need To Make If Children Are Involved

This is always a difficult situation to alter because more often than not if you and your ex share a child you are going to be living together (which we will talk about next.)

So, rather than addressing what to do about the living situation let’s talk about what to do if you decide to use the no contact rule on your ex and they send you something like this,


Oh, and in case you couldn’t read between the lines “Carter” is your kid.

How do you deal with this?

Ok, here is my rule for when it comes to communicating about kids during no contact.

The Rule: You can break no contact to talk about the kids and that’s it. After you interaction about the kids is over you are going right back into no contact.

Pretty simple, right?

Well, things get a bit more complicated when you take into account that more often than not if you share a child with your ex you are probably living together.

How the hell are you supposed to handle no contact?

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Work With Your Ex

There are two words I want you to get very familiar with.

Strictly Business!

Now, it’s important to remember that the goal here isn’t to p*ss off your ex and that can definitely happen if you work together and completely ignore him. Instead, I don’t want you to initiate any conversations with him. Let him initiate all the conversations and if he does then keep the conversation short and sweet.

The only fly in the ointment, so to speak, is if your have to communicate due to a work related activity.

In that case make sure the scope of the conversation is STRICTLY BUSINESS!

In other words, if you are talking about something business related that is completely fine but if he veers off and starts talking about something “non business related” then I want you to subtly redirect him to talking about business.

Get it?

Got it?


The Alterations You Need To Make If You Live With Your Ex

I am just going to be blunt with you.

The no contact rule is always going to be more effective if you aren’t living with your ex. That’s just the way it is and anyone who tells you anything differently is lying straight to your face.

BUT the no contact rule can still be effective if you live with the person so don’t go into a depression just yet.

It’s just that it isn’t going to be as effective.

So, what’s the rule regarding living with your ex?

The Rule: If it’s possible move out.

Now, the keyword that you want to look at there is “IF IT’S POSSIBLE.”

If moving out isn’t an option then don’t do it. Don’t worry, I have a specific strategy that you should employ but before I let you in on that I want to put my money where my mouth is.

Meet Jessica,


Jessica is someone who I personally worked with on Facebook.

I advised her to enter into a 21 day no contact period and also to move out of the house she was staying at with her ex boyfriend.

She did exactly what I said and when it was all said and done she had her ex chasing her and begging for her back. Oh, and he proposed.

This alteration produces results.

But let’s say that you can’t move out. Let’s say it’s not an option.

What do you do then?

Simple, you are going to act as cordial as possible when you do see your ex so they don’t think you are a d*ck but you NEVER want to start a conversation. Hmm…. perhaps this would work better as an example.

Ok, let’s pretend that you are dating me!

(I’m pretty awesome, I know!)

We are living together and you decide you want to utilize the no contact rule.

One day I come home from work (because in this example I am a high powered business man 😉 ) and I look pretty stressed. Every fiber of your being is going to want to ask me a simple question,

“Are you ok?”


“How was your day?”

But you aren’t allowed to.


Because you are in the midst of a no contact rule.

Now let’s answer one of the most asked questions I get about this situation.

Let’s say that instead of me looking stressed and angry when I come home that particular day I look pretty happy and I even go as far as to ask you how your day was.

What do you do?

Most women make the mistake of thinking that they should ignore their exes at this point.

That’s a mistake because that will just create more animosity between the two of you and that’s the last thing we want. Instead, the best way to handle this situation is to engage me in a conversation but keep it short and sweet.

The idea is not to linger too long.

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Go To School With Your Ex

Out of all the alterations I talk about in this section this is probably the easiest one to grasp.

In fact, the alteration here pretty much boils down to two steps.

Step One: Avoid your ex

Step Two: If it’s impossible to avoid them then keep it short and sweet

So, let’s talk about these steps really quick.

I want you to avoid your ex at school at all costs. Yes, I realize some mumbo jumbo expert out there may disagree with me but believe me when I say that this is for your own good.


Well, because I have often found that people will look for any conceivable excuse to “bump into their exes.”

But let’s assume you are in a situation where “step one” is impossible.

Let’s say that you are in the exact same class as your ex and it’s pretty much impossible to avoid them. Well, in that case I want you to keep everything short and sweet.

What do I mean by that?

Well, for starters I don’t want you to start any conversations with your ex. However, let’s say that your ex starts a conversation with you (like my example above when you live with an ex.)

Well, keep everything short and sweet.

Engage them but don’t engage them fully.

Be nice but not too nice.

Short and sweet.

That’s the name of the game.

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Unexpectedly Run Into Them

Imagine for a moment that you are walking down the street and all of a sudden you see your ex…

You panic…

You get that deer in the headlights look…

And you pull a “kramer,”


Now, do you think that is the proper way to utilize the no contact rule in this situation?


Absolutely not.

Instead, the correct move here is to walk up to your ex, say hi and leave it at that.

Less is more…

Now, before we move on to the final alteration I do have one thing to say. DON’T GO LOOKING TO RUN INTO YOUR EX ON PURPOSE! If you do that and they catch on to what you are doing then without a doubt you are going to appear to be desperate and that is going to have the opposite effect of what you are supposed to do.

Alterations You Need To Make For An Item Exchange

Ah, and here it is…

The ultimate no contact question that I get asked on pretty much a daily basis.

“Chris, am I allowed to break the no contact rule if my ex has items that I want back?”


“What about if my ex asks me for their things?”

Ok, let’s tackle the easy one first.

If your ex asks for their things back then you have to give them their stuff back. No if’s, ands or buts about it.Therefore, you are allowed to break the no contact rule but just in this one instance. After the items are exchanged then I want you to go right back into the no contact rule.

How do you handle the interaction when you are exchanging things?

Good question.

Generally you want it to be short and sweet.

This isn’t a time to linger and relive the worst or best parts of your relationship.

Get in, exchange items and get out.


Now, lets tackle the more difficult question.

What if your ex has something of yours that you want back. How do you handle that?

Well, the first question I would ask you is how important is it to you?

If we are talking “toothbrush level” type stuff then I think you can live without it and should probably stay in the no contact rule.

But what if it’s something of grave importance to you?

Something like your mothers ashes… Well, then you have my permission to break the no contact rule to get them back.

Fun Fact: Did you ever see the Malcolm in The Middle episode where the babysitter is fighting with her ex over her mothers ashes (I did obviously 😉 .)

8 - The Next Very Important Step

(To learn more about the “no contact rule” I highly recommend you check out The No Contact Rule Book)

Now that you have a pretty good idea of how the no contact rule works I want to move on to the next step.

There is a philosophy that I want you to adopt.

It’s called “Dating Yourself.”

In fact, I did a whole interview with a dating coach named Veronica Grant where she pretty much summed up “dating yourself” better than I ever could,

In case you don’t have the patience to watch the entire interview here is her summarization of “dating yourself,”)

Dating yourself is kind of what it sounds like. Doing things for yourself that you would either want or expect your significant other to do for you. So, it can be things like buying yourself flowers, writing yourself a love note, taking a hot bubble bath, taking yourself out for a drink or for a nice dinner but really the deeper essence of it is making yourself feel how you want to feel on your relationship.

Now, I am absolutely in love with this idea, especially during the no contact rule.


Well, it kind of serves as a gauntlet for weeding out the people who aren’t serious about getting their exes back and simply want to move on. And that’s a great thing because usually half the battle is finding a way to get on the right path.

So, how does this “gauntlet effect” work?

The Gauntlet Effect

It’s hard to admit (because I was a young buck when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery) but I have been doing this for over half a decade. But most of the people who come to this website want one thing and one thing only,

They want to get their exes back.

And I feel I have certainly catered to those people a lot (Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO anyone?)

But sometimes a person comes to me with a horrifying story that makes me think,

“Hmm… maybe you shouldn’t get back with your ex.”

And being me, I usually verbalize my thoughts without thinking a lot of time.

Now, usually when I tell someone this they are very respectful and often times they agree with me. However, when it comes time for them to take specific actions revolving around getting over their ex they actually do the opposite.

Now, after five years of his happening to me I have finally wised up to what’s going on.

Nothing I say will convince a person otherwise and I have simply decided to let people go through their own process (because sometimes that’s what it takes for them to realize their ex is not the right fit for them.)

Ah, but that’s where “The Gauntlet Effect” comes into play.

By utilizing the “date yourself” philosophy during the no contact rule you are essentially putting yourself in a gauntlet to see if you are still interested in your ex by the end of the no contact rule.

Allow me to explain in more detail.

Let’s pretend that you are doing a 30 day no contact rule and you decide that on top of utilizing the “two prongs” that I talked about above you are going to also utilize the “date yourself” philosophy.

And while you are dating yourself you come to the realization that,

“Hmm… my ex never treated me as good as I am treating myself right now..”

And pretty soon this singular thought evolves into,

“I don’t think I want him back.”

Well, that’s the gauntlet effect in play right there. It essentially helps you determine what you really want going forward. Of course, if you come out the other end of the gauntlet and you still want your ex back then you absolutely positively have my permission to do everything in your power to get him back.

I suggest this is the best place to start

Of course, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves now.

WARNING: Most People Who Try The No Contact Rule End Up Failing It

I think I may have mentioned this before but it never hurts to re-iterate.

The odds aren’t in your favor to successfully make it through the no contact rule. In fact, I would say that the vast majority of people I have met have ultimately ended up failing at the no contact rule.

Now, what does that mean?

Well, usually that means that you decide to do a period of no contact and somewhere during that period you end up contacting your ex.

And it’s easy to understand why.

We live in a digital age where temptation is all around us.

I mean, think about it.

How tempting would it be to check your exes Facebook profile?

What about check and see the last time they logged into WhatsApp?

Of course, it’s my job to ensure that you don’t fail at the no contact rule so here’s what I have decided to do for you. I have put together a list of the very best ways that you can safely remove temptation. In other words, if you do the following things then your chances of successfully completing the no contact rule will drastically increase.

  • Getting A Friend To Hold The Number
  • Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time
  • Keeping A Journal
  • Unfollow On Facebook

Let’s talk a little about each of these initiatives.

Getting A Trusted Friend To Hold Onto Your Exes Number

Now, I am not going to lie to you.

This one is a bit flawed.

But more on that in a second. For now, let’s just grasp what this initiative is.

Essentially the way this works is that you write your exes number down on a piece of paper and then you erase that number from your phone. After that, you take the piece of paper to a trusted friend and tell them not to give it to you until your 21 – 45 days are up.

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“I get it and everything but what’s the flaw?

Well, let’s say that I am the trusted friend who you gave your exes number to. And let’s say that your ex contacts you at some point. It will probably still show up on your phone but just as a number you don’t recognize.

Nevertheless, I have seen this method work for a lot of women who have tried it so it isn’t without it’s merits.

Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time

I am a big fan of this one.


Well, because IF you do the no contact rule the way that I am recommending you to do it then this is going to happen naturally.

Think about it…

The holy trinity…

Dating yourself…

These are things that are meant to keep you buys and most importantly keep your mind off of your ex which is a HUGE problem we are facing. So, the idea here is that you keep yourself so busy that you don’t even have time to contact your ex.

Now, I realize that it’s unrealistic of me to say,

“Ok, as long as you just make yourself busy you won’t ever have time to contact your ex.”

That’s not true.

If someone is motivated enough they will always find time.

But here is the point I want to hammer home for you.

As long as you couple this strategy with a few others you should be golden.

Keeping A Journal

I have to admit that I can’t take credit for this one. This is the brain child of my wife.

So, the way this works is that you go out and buy a journal. Now, the thing about this journal is that it’s only meant for the no contact rule. In other words, this is your no contact rule journal 😉 .

Ok, lame joke aside you are going to utilize this journal to write down your feelings during the no contact rule.

It’s a way to exercise how you are feeling and also a way to prevent yourself from contacting your ex.

Now, let’s say you are going along down the no contact rule and all of a sudden you get this urge to contact your ex. It’s overwhelming and your fingers are literally on the phone typing in their name.

Well, instead of doing that you are going to pull out your journal and write down how you are feeling.

Write down what you want to write…

Write down how angry and upset you are…

Get it all out.

Get it all out until you don’t feel the urge to contact them anymore.

Unfollow Your Ex On Facebook

Notice how I said “unfollow” and not “unfriend”

Believe it or not there is a difference between the two.



Basically by unfollowing your ex they won’t show up in your feed anymore. Now, if you want more details on why I recommend not to fully unfriend your ex then I recommend going here.

So, that’s going to do it for my epic guide on the no contact rule?

What do you think?

Are you confused about anything?

Do you need help with anything?

We would love to hear from you in the comments below!

Will the No Contact Rule Work for You?

The one question we get more than any other is Will the No Contact Rule Work For My Situation? I can’t read through and answer each question individually (because I literally get hundreds, sometimes thousands of emails per day), but what I did do is built an awesome calculator that I use myself to determine the impact of the No Contact Rule on almost any situation.

It takes about 4 minutes, and will go through 1) Details About You, 2) Details About Your Ex Boyfriend, and 3) The External Factors Involved in your breakup, and will calculate the actual chances that using the No Contact Rule will be effective in your situation. Kind of like personalized advise from me for free 🙂

Take 5 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Now!

What Do You Think? (5,755)

  1. Siobhan - 0


    During the no contact rule .. what if you find them on a dating site .. again Not that I am on them my friend shown me

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Siobhan,

      Dont do anything.. because if you react to that, you would look like you’re social media stalking him..

  2. Brooke - 0


    Hey … me and my friend had bad relationships and everything went so fast with us we wanted kids marriage house everything, we were so perfect together and everyone would tell
    Us the same thing. There’s never ben a connection or any love stronger ben what we had – which we even more agree on. If we ever had an argument I would say let’s cook off and sprsknanother day but he was very “no sort This out right now” he was a bit needy at tims but that didn’t bother me. So anyway .. he ended up and I couldn’t handle it .. I was texting non stop and he said for a few weeks “he didn’t know about us anymore” I was trying to convince him daily and he would tell me things like “how would it be different thins time” getting my hopes up, so I carried on basically harassing him. He texts tells me he loves me wants to make this work then changes his mind the next day.. the same thing happened again. I have always said to him let’s meet so we can fix this or walk away for good, but he never did and said stuff like “I can’t look at you, I wouldn’t want to end it” he phoned me talked all over me and just ended things. I just don’t know what to do and which would be the best rule for me?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Brooke,

      how long was the relationship and when did he break up with you?

  3. emi - 0


    my bf and i broke up almost five months ago. when school started again, we would have very short and brief conversations but then all of a sudden two months passed and we hadn’t talked. every time i try to text him it’s always really short and he’s so stubborn and won’t admit that nothing is really normal between us anymore. he ends conversations abruptly and i made a mistake of telling him i missed him a few days ago. should i still do the NC rule? and for how long? and does this mean i can’t like his posts on instagram or view his snapchat story?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Emi,

      yeah, you can still try it.. But you have to keep in mind, for him, what’s normal is your just friends..so, just be friendly only after nc..slowly buils rapport and attraction from that.. Yep, you cant like his posts, no social media stalking..just focus in improving yourself

  4. emi - 0


    so my bf and i were doing great for two months before i panicked for some reason and ended it right there. i blocked his number and we didn’t talk for around half a month, but the conversation was really short. then it was two months until we had another short conversation and they all seem to be okay but when I decided to text him he left me on read and cut the conversation short so i’m not sure what happened. how long should i do the NC rule for? and does this mean not liking any of his posts too??

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Emi,

      yeah, you can still try it.. But you have to keep in mind, for him, what’s normal is your just friends..so, just be friendly only after nc..slowly buils rapport and attraction from that.. Yep, you cant like his posts, no social media stalking..just focus in improving yourself

  5. Sarah Ganton - 0

    Sarah Ganton

    Trying the NC Rule but what do I do if he asks me to hang out?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Sarah,

      You have to ignore the text. If it’s in person, refuse..

  6. venus - 0


    Hello, I have been dating this guy for about 2/3 months and everything was great. He was very open with his emotions with me and we could talk openly . I was hesitant at the beginning but he won me over. he has always been texting me frequently. lately ( in the last two weeks) hes been pretty distance, with much less contact, we don’t text or talk as much as before) but when I asked if anything was wrong in his life (he’s going through a fair bit of stuff) he said no. the last straw was when i texted him last thurs, i didn’t get any reply, so i called him after several hours has passed. he flipped and got mad with me and said that he did talked to me after my text, which was untrue. we didn’t talk at all. i asked him about his comment, to which he kept quiet about it. we haven’t spoken since then, i have only sent one text message saying that i’ll give him space and he could message once he’s ready to talk. so far i haven’t heard anything from him and really have no idea what to do 🙁

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Venus,

      if you’re just dating she’s not really exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend, and he’s going through a lot, then he might think you’re being needy.. Are you going to do the no contact rule?

  7. Laura - 0


    Hi, Amor! How can I make the no contact rule work for me if my relationship was long distance and my ex left the relationship not interested in me as a girlfriend or a friend because I was too clingy and told me not to talk to him anyway?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi laura
      i’m just going to paste my answer to your previous post because it seems like, it didnt appear on your end?

      You have to be active in posting is social media.. whether he has an account or not, because there is still a big chance that he will check your account once he gets curious why you stopped chasing.
      I didn’t understand your last question though..If you meant you were clingy, that means you weren’t active enough in your own time because if you were active in your time, you wouldn’t be clingy. Yes, you are distant, but I think what you meant is that you were demanding? Correct me if I’m wrong. That still means you’re clingy. He has to see during and after nc that you’re more busy. You don’t have much time for him and you’re not asking nor demanding more time from him anymore because you have a lot on your plate.

      He has to see that you’re starting to move on during nc, so that there’s a higher chance that he will initiate during it or he would think that you’re just being friendly after nc if you initiate. That’s why you have to keep the routine that you will start during nc while your’e rebuilding rapport with him slowly.

  8. Grace - 0


    My ex-broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. At first I tried the “friend ” thing in hopes of getting him back, every contact I got a friendly response but after 2 weeks of that I decided it was just too painful. I’ve done no contact for a bit over a week, I still see him daily at school, but have remained distanced. Im worried NC will not work and only give him what he wants, he is very out going and started talking to me just weeks after breaking up with the girl he was dating before me, additionally I was very clingy at the end of our relationship , Im worried that although he cares about me this time will only allow him a quick escape and will only want to be friends when I contact him in a few weeks

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Grace,

      it’s not about just stopping to talk to him because you’re right. He wants space and you’re giving it, which is good but the no contact rule should be more for you. You have to improve yourself.

  9. R - 0


    Hi Amor,
    I posted my question in another section, but it disappeared. Me and my ex/current boyfriend situation is a bit tricky. He started seeing this new girl while he’s still with me, because he felt I am not the one, but I didn’t want to break up, so he said he can’t commit to me, but we continue to see each other and he’s free to see whoever he wants. I found out through social media that he’s going to an event with the new girl. I am tempted to go there and I guess it’s bad idea? Maybe I will get more hurt seeing them together? I read the guide about being there without being threatening, how do I show my presence without crossing the line? Any suggestions in my situation? Thank you!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi R
      have you done the no contact rule? So, for a long time you stayed in contact because you still love him, if you showed up in that concert it would look like you’re keeping an eye on him right? Staying present will only help if he thinks you have moved on and improved and if your presence doesn’t look intentional..

  10. Ray - 0


    Hi EBR Team,

    My bf and I broke.up five months ago but we decided to be friends. Neither of us can even remember why we broke up in the first place. But we’ve been really good friends. We keep in touch everyday and we still hang out when we can. I’ve tried inititiating the no contact a couple of times but it only lasts two days at most. I would like it if we got back together because we do love each other, we tell each other that every single day. But the confusion and the fact that we are still trying to find ourselves is actually holding us from being together.

    If I initiate the NC will it still work for me? To get over him and if we ever get back together then it should be on a new slate. Can NC work?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Ray,
      there’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work, but if it’s the only thing you haven’t tried, then why not?

  11. Ray - 0


    Hey EBR Team,

    I broke up with my bf in June and we both agreed to remain friends. We still went out on dates and hanged out as we used to while in a relationship but the only difference was that we were friends. It’s been hard for me to initiate the no contact mostly because we still check up on each other every single day and we still talk like we are together. But I feel like the more we are friends, the more it will take to move on and set each other free. He says he still loves me and will always be there for me. I feel the same way about him but I need to move on already. If UT’s really meant to be it will be, right?
    Can I still initiate the NC and will it work for me?


    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Ray,
      there’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work, but if it’s the only thing you haven’t tried, then why not?

  12. James - 0


    Hi there,

    My ex broke up with me a few months ago and we still texted each other, up until one day I went berserk at her as I thought she was already dating and due to my past mental illness I treated the situation badly, called her names and then I blocked her as I felt that I needed to get mentally stable and finish my therapy. After about a month and a half, I unblocked her and we initiated contact. For the first 2 weeks she did not believe my love for her and that I blocked her so I could get mentally better but after this period we started talking properly, calling each other and texting daily. She lives abroad and I planned to make her birthday special.

    Unfortunately 4 days before my flight was due, somebody random started chatting to her on facebook and she had to make a choice she said as she is very loyal and does not chat to 2 men at once. she chose him and left me hanging. We arranged to meet so I could give her the birthday presents I got her and she was telling me how special this guy is which made me feel quite sad. 3 weeks later I am going back to my country and I plan to move eventually as soon as I save money to be near my family (the country where she lives).

    I still owe her money and I plan to give her all of it. I dropped of some of it and a song I made for her at her work before she had started and she thanked me and said goodluck and that she appreciates me giving her the money I lent her.

    I have not spoken to her since (about a week ago) bar a text message which was about a thunderstorm that was near here. (nothing to do with relationship). I keep dreaming about her and I also randomly keep thinking about her and getting the gut instict that she is thinking about me. I bought her a xmas present already but not sure wether to give her it. Was going to send her it with a little note saying… I remember everything and hope you follow your dreams.

    was thinking I should do the 21 day no contact to better myself more than anything and to show her how serious I am about wanting a family with her and such. Am I delusional?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi James,

      nope, you’re in love but you’re chasing.. And if she chose somebody else over you, chasing is not attractive… 21 days is too short for you too..I think you should do 45 days..

    • JC0410 - 0


      My fiance and I had been together for almost 2 years. After series of cheating on his part, I have put down the wedding that he prepared in RUSH so he could stop me from leaving him and choosing my career to pull myself up. I was doing well with my new job now and even got promoted, then he suddenly pulled and blamed me for the cancellation of our wedding. Not until we had our longest silent war (since we are in LDR) for 5 days, he is not calling neither messaging. I reached him out and BOOOM! He was so sarcastic! I found out later then that HE HAS ANOTHER GIRL and the two of them are going out together. So I CUT HIM OFF INSTANTLY. No explanation at all. On my First week of NC i was still talking to his friend, on the second week, I cut off all his friends too. He had been calling and messaging me nicely. But then I was caught off guard since there was a CHILD INVOLVED. Though the kid isn’t mine, (the kid was his son from a nanny he slept with before) the child recognizes me as his mother somehow and my love for the child was there (honestly)

      So after receiving an update from him about the child, Im almost half way through on my 2. 5 weeks and I called him. It was not nice neither not so well 9 min call but he message me the following day saying sorry how the conversation didnt end up well.

      I sent a message saying things all about the child but I DIDN’T MENTION anything about US. The only note that speaks about us there was.. “WHAT EVER WE HAD IN THE PAST, PLS DO NOT INCLUDE THE CHILD. HE’s NOT A PART ON HOW THINGS ENDED BETWEEN US”

      After that I received a voice message again remidning me to be safe and to eat on time..
      I didn’t reply.
      SO what to do next now?
      Am I on the right track so far as I break the NC for the child?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi JC0410

      it’s ok to talk about the child but you can’t talk to his friends about him. And what happens to you and child if ever things don’t work out between you and your ex?

  13. Katty - 0


    Hi there,

    My ex nd I were dating for nearly 6 years, we’ve been strong throughout the whole relationship except this one time we broke up for a couple of months about two nd half years ago but he came back to me nd we’ve been strong ever since but about a month ago he started to become distant and not talking to me much, texted me on and off nd then all of a sudden he told me he didn’t love me anymore… I just don’t believe him, I can tell and feel he loves me.. When he broke up with me I let him go in a mature way and didn’t beg him to stay nd told him I will let him go if that’s what he really want and then I stopped all communication with me. All of sudden, he texted me after two weeks after our break up just to check how I am, what does that mean? What should I do next? I’m so confused! Please help..

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Katee,

      I think you should do 30 days.. Yes, that’s right that you didn’t reply to him and if you are actively improving yourself, you’re on the right track

  14. Beatriz - 0


    Hi my name is Beatriz, and I was wondering if anyone could give me advice. My boyfriend and I started dating last year. He asked me out on October 30th 2015. The first 5 months went great until I found out that he had been talking to another girl. They didn’t date but there was still a connection and it made me very jealous. He felt bad about it and he apologized a lot. I forgave him, but I didn’t love him the same. I gave him a chance to earn my love back, and he did. We’ve had arguments, but every couple has them. He didn’t like that his freedom wasn’t the same. It was hard to trust him after many times that he’s messed up by talking to girls I dislike. It’s not like I didn’t follow that rule though too. I didn’t talk to guys he especially disliked. I was always so loyal to him. We got to our year and things were still good until he said he felt unhappy and that things weren’t going the same as they used to be. I responded with ” Of course they aren’t, people change a little bit every day. ” he said he doesn’t have the same feelings he used to have for me and that he doesn’t think our trust or happiness can come back. He asked to be friends and we were friends. It was hard for me to suddenly stop giving him so much love. I tried so hard not to get too close to him, or call him cute names. Until yesterday that he decided that we can’t be friends. I had heard about the no contact rule. I’m willing to follow it. Today has been day 1, even though it is hurting me. We left off on good terms. He had texted me this… ” I’m going to be here for you. I’m still going to crack jokes, and tease you every now and then. I dont know how to express my feelings as well as you. But whenever you need advice, I’m going to be here. If you find someone else, I’m going to be so happy for you. I hope he gives you all I did, and All I couldn’t. Honestly I do. You deserve someone like that. God will find our ways, I trust him. We both should. My family isn’t going to think bad about you. I’ll make sure of it. I just want to apologize for everything I couldn’t do, or that I did wrong. I’m sorry. That’s all I got for right now, take care Beatriz ” I know he still has feelings for me, but in my opinion I think he’s scared to go back to a relationship. He said he had to focus on making himself happy. And not depend on me to make him happy. I can agree with him. I feel like we both need time away, but I just hope our paths cross once again. Should I take the 30 day no contact rule or the 21 day no contact rule? I would like as many tips. I really want him & I to work out. We were an amazing couple, just the trust, and happiness was gone. I hope time makes him realize that he misses me. I would also want to work on myself to get my self esteem up. If anything, I would love to be with my ex again. I love him so much. I’m not willing to give up.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Beatriz,

      It looks like he got tired and the relationship got boring.. I think you should do 30 days. If you really want a chance then it would be better to move on from the previous relationship and to really have your own life. Start it during nc and continue the routine even after nc, while you’re rebuilding rapport

  15. Kez - 0


    Hi. Me and my ex of 2years broke up 5 months ago. I have been chasing him non stop begging for another chance we broke up as I was struggling with mental health problems which I’m now working on with therapy etc.
    Last week he came through on email which was the only thing I didn’t have him blocked on trying to make conversation and in the end I ended up back at our old flat together with him where we lived and it was as though we were together again.
    After coming back I was pushing and going on about us getting back together and he’s now turned around saying ‘ it’s too much ‘ and blocked me. I have not tried contacting him by phone, text or anything since. Do you think he’s playing me or have I ruined it? I’m on day 6 of the NC ! Thanks

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kez,

      He may have thought you haven’t changed. Right now, I think it would be better if you do 45 days.

  16. Firsttimevisitor - 0


    Hi Chris and team,

    What do you recommend if you implement the 30 day nc and hear nothing from your ex in this period? Do i take it as he is no longer intetested? He was first to contact after break up 3 weeks ago and has answered 2 calls from me but iv not heard anything since over a week ago.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi First time visitor!

      It depends, if this is your first time, does that mean, you didn’t really implement doing the no contact rule and just stopped talking? when and why did you break up?

  17. Maya - 0


    Hi, I and my boyfriend had a relationship of 2 years. I was having a feeling he is cheating on me and we had very ugly fight. It escalted so much that we started arguing about certain other things as well and i in a fit of rage asked him to return all the gifts and money (which i had promised him will never ask back). I told him so many things that he felt insulted and disrespected.

    He was so upset that he asked me to never message or contact him again. He also told me to go away from his life. At that point of time I told him that even I am not keen in this relation (this hapoened on 19th October) but I realised my mistake and apologised to him after a day and even told him that I do not want the gifts or money returned and I realise that I was rude and disrespected him. He read my message but did not reply back. I waited for 10 days and again sent him a message begging him to forgive me and talk to me but even this time he did not revert back after reading my message. Two days back I sent him another message saying, “I want you to know that I respect the fact that you can’t forgive me. If you want to discuss this in the future I am open to that. I just hope someday we move past this”. He read it but still no response. Its been 3 weeks since he has contacted me and am not sure whether he knows about the NC policy.

    I have thought of not messaging him now as I do not want him to block me. The ball is in his court now and want him to decide. I just want him to talk to me once and forgive me. What should I do? Will he contact me if I do the NC now?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Maya,

      if he’s doing nc that means he wants to get back with you but if he’s just ignoring you then it either means, he’s not ready to forgive or he likes that you’re chasing him..You cant control him but you have to stop chasing him.. It’s not helping you.

  18. Cassie - 0


    Hi I have purchased ex-boyfriend recovery pro and I am 21 days into no contact. However, I never thought to ask if this whole process would even work for my situation. It was a casual relationship that I wanted more than he did. I acted somewhat needy at first once he began ignoring my messages and he has since blocked me on facebook(about a month ago) …. but have been feeling amazing since about a week ago. There is no doubt he liked me a lot… I just wonder… Is it possible that the no contact period could reconcile what we had, or possibly something better? Thanks in advance

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Cassie,

      there’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but how long were you together? How much did you improve yourself?

  19. Giselle - 0


    I had a 2 year relationship with my ex bf. In may i got mad over something i saw on his Facebook (he went to dinner with his friend and the girlfriend of his friend), but he didn’t mention the girl when he told me the story. Thats when i exploded and got mad, he said he couldn’t take is anymore and wanted to break up because he had the feeling that i didn’t trust him, and i broke his heart. Of course i begged him to stay, he said 3 months no contact and from there we would see what would happen. I couldn’t hold it for one week, that was stupid of me. I texted him 3-4 times, and he replied that we would talk about 3 moths. thats when i stopped texting him. we started talking a bit starting from august/September. I noticed that he was still angry with me for hurting his feelings and breaking his heart. I tried everything i could except the no contact. the last time we spoke was 2 weeks ago, thats when i told him that i tried everything i could and that i couldn’t take this anymore. as long as he doesn’t forgive me i can’t do sh*t. don’t know what to do now. I thought of no texting him for a while and see what happens. O and he blocked me on Facebook and instagram 2 days ago, i think its because hes so angry. and he keeps saying that he doesn’t feel anything no more, but when i tell him that thats because he shuts everyhting out he says that its true and that he felt enough once and never again.. ksjdhihe what should i do? i love the idiot so much.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Giselle,

      try the no contact rule. Do 45 days because you’ve chased him for so long.. It’s not just about ignoring him. You have to be active in starting and having your own life, improving yourself and healing

  20. Joe Sebastian - 0

    Joe Sebastian

    My girlfriend is depressed with a tragedy (Sexually assaulted) )in her life and after that she is avoiding me. I tried to help her and support her but she gets anger over me. She is very depressed. And broke up with me. She told me to see her as a friend instead being a lover. What am supposed to do ? Should i initiate a no contact rule ?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Joe,

      when was this? Is she getting professional help? When did you break up?

    • Joe - 0


      Thanks for your reply. It happened two and half months ago. But she told me it after one month. In that period she had total change and didn’t talked to me much. After a lot of struggle she opened up after one month. And said she cant love me anymore. She had totally changed. She was very confident and brave while talking. Didnt allow me to talk much. And said the old girl is dead she is a new one. And she told me that she cant marry anyone. So lets breakup and just try to see her as friend. I tried to convince her a lot. but she has moved on. She blocked me on whatsapp. i called her on phone but she didnt liked to talk to me. Sometimes got very angry on me. She told that she hated boys and now i have seen her making friend with new ones. I tried to convince her a lot but didn’t work. so i started the no contact rule. now its on 12th day. Is that a right way? What im supposed to do if she calls me during this period ? I heard that she is moving out of town. Please help as soon as possible.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      well, it looks like she just changed the way she acts but deep inside she didnt really change. She still needs therapy. Dont chase again. Improve yourself. Look like you’re moving on. If she’s moving out of town, rushing things and chasing her will not stop her right? So, the best you can do is to become a different person..

    • Joe - 0


      She called me on the phone yesterday. I didn’t pick. And now its the 15th day of no contact. She told my bestfriend that she is moving out of town on 11th day of nc when they accidentally met . What i’m supposed to do?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      nothing. Just continue improving yourself. Treat it like a potential long distance relationship, if she is really moving out of town.

    • Joe - 0


      Thanks Amor. But she had some suicidal thoughts during that tragic incident. Will that thought come back if i completely avoid her? How long should i continue this no contact ?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      you have to improve yourself and heal. The no contact will be useless if you dont do that. I think you should do 30 days. She has friends, and she’s doing fine right now. If she really needs you, you would know.

    • Joe - 0


      Hi Amor, Last day her sister called me when she was with her that whether i could pick her up because it was late night. But i said couldn’t reach and i will be late. She was scared to go in a taxi to home. But got into one and i talked to her till she reach home. i talked in a positive and upbeat way but she was sad and stuck with life and i came to understand that she didn’t move on like i acted infront of her. And i hanged the phone while she reached home in a happy way. Now what i’m supposed to do ? Should i call her?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Wait, who did you talk to? Her or her sister? and yes, she didnt move on, that’s good for you because that’s what were hoping she would realize while you’re in the no contact period. But be careful on being too available, like wanting to call right after that.. Let her be for now. I understand, she’s sad but dont put yourself in the friendzone by being there always. She might be just missing your presence, so dont satisfy it by always being there

    • Joe - 0


      Yaa..Thanks Amor. I meant i talked to my ex not to her sister, while she was on taxi. But she also told me that she lost interest in doing everything or talking to anyone, in a sad way. i mean like all being alone way and wants to be alone way. And I quickly changed the topic after hearing this. What does that mean? How to handle this if she talks like this in a future conversation?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Because she’s sad.. She needs to see a professional. Next time ask her. Ask her if she is seeking professional help, why she’s sad, what her plans are.because in that way she can reflect and think.

    • Joe - 0


      We had exact similar stage during our breakup time.. She was sad n wasn’t interested in talking to anyone.. I told her to seek professional help.. But she wasn’t admiting it.. She was only taking some anti depressants.. Thats it.. I haven’t called her after the taxi talk or she hasn’t called me.. Should i call her back? I think she will get mad if i call and talk about taking professional help. So how to deal this? Should i call n talk something positive like i moved on and also remind her of some good memories we had together.. What should i do? How to deal this?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You’re not her therapist and you’re not her.. You’re just going to ask that if she starts talking to you about her sadness. She’s the only one who can help herself. You cant control her.Just dont enable and reward her behavior of being depressed. I’m nkt saying you should be angry but when she starts making you a crutch, be a mirror of truth because as long as she gets what she wants when she’s sad, she will not help herself

    • Joe - 0


      Thanks a lot Amor. That was really helpful. Its been 1 week since the taxi talk. After that i didn’t called her nor she hasnt called me . Since she isn’t currently active in social media. I cant text her. I dont think she will call me as she told me during the taxi talk that she dont like to talk to anyone and like to be alone. Should i call her? How to go the conversation if she is sad and not talking much ?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You can try to call or text her but honestly, if she’s really depressed, you have to have sincere conversations with her, because you’re just going around in circles

    • Joe - 0


      Thanks a lot Amor. You guys are really awesome. It really helped. I finally called her today after successful 30 days no contact. And the conversation was positive and great. We talked about 10 minutes and i ended it with an excuse in a happy way. Now what next? How to continue contacting her ? I mean the gaps between future talks, when to meet etc. stuff like that ?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You’re welcome!Take it slow.. try texting for now.. try the tide theory,and then when you’ve build enough rapport, go back to calls, when you’ve built more rapport and attraction, proceed to meet ups. Check this for the tide theory:
      Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)

  21. Natalie - 0


    Hi, I had a boyfriend for 3 years , we had our ups and downs but he broke up with because one day I was not in a mood and treated him badly (only screwed nothing serious) and he broke up with me because he said I was supposed to change etc. I stupidly beg him and he said no he lost all his feeling for me , which i don’t believe. He knew I was bad so he said he will text to see if im fine, So I will start the no contact rule , if he texts all this are you doing good , should I ignore him for 30 days?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Natalie,

      if you are in the no contact rule, yes you should ignore it.

  22. Joanell - 0


    I’m gonna keep this short and to the point. My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago. During the conversation he was unsure if he even wanted to break up but apparently I had hurt his feelings because I made a comment about the nature of our relationship. Apparently my comment hurt him deeply and he was afraid that we wouldn’t make it in the future and he couldn’t get past what I said to him. I didn’t beg, I simply asked him if we could work through the hurt comments because we both said a lot to each other out of anger and hurt. He said he didn’t know. So I basically just just told him if he couldn’t get past it then he should break up with me and he did and asked if we could be friends. I told him no because I was too hurt to be friends. I immediately inacted no contact, mailed his stuff back and deleted him as a friend off FB. Neither one of us have reached out since we broke up two weeks ago. I miss him but feel like I may have pushed him into making the decision to break up. Will the no contact rule cintact rule work in this case? I should mention we were high school sweethearts that rekindled our relationship which lasted almost 6 months, having both recently broken up with our ex’s.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Joanell,

      there’s ni guarantee that it will but it does look like you pushed him. Right now, the best you can do is to improve yourself and finish nc, so you can have a chance for a restart

  23. Sarah - 0


    My boyfriend and I of 5 years did not necessarily break up, but we have been going through a rough time for months now. Very high highs and low lows.. And he is like 2 different people towards me and it depends all on him and how he feels and who he is surrounded by – I am finding him to be very selfish. We spent pretty much all of the last weekend together and we’re great and then I left for a business trip and returned to him being completely different to me. Very cold and ignored me for 3 days while it seems like him and his roommate partied all weekend. And then at the end of the weekend after knowingly making me so upset he flips back to apologizing and saying sorry and begging to see me and talk to me. I have not responded. This has happened so many times and I usually fall back into in because he knows just what to say to get me back. I’m so fed up with this. I love the half of him that is so kind and sweet but the other half where he seems like a different person is making me miserable and feel terrible.
    So I am wanting to do the no contact. I texted him during his time ignoring me how much he upsets we and I dont deserve this and don’t want to let him do this anymore. We did not necessarily break up. Is this a weird/bad way to start the No Contact rule? I want him to see that I won’t stand him being all over the place with me and treating me like crap, that I will walk away… even though I don’t want to. I just want him to be the really awesome guy… 100% of the time, not maybe 60% of the time. What do you think about this?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Sarah,

      talk to him first,.if he doesnt change then try doing nc

  24. b - 0


    I really would like to thank you for writing this Chris. I would just like to ask, my bf and I were together 8 months. Through out, my insecurities got the better of me and I kept doubting him for everything, being over protective and possessive and tried to control him. Thereafter he wanted to break up once but I promised I would change and he stayed. Around 1.5 weeks back he broke up with me again and said that he couldnt do this anymore, he was tired. I begged and told him I would change but to no avail. Last time I spoke with him was around 3-4 days ago where I asked him whether he could take me back again. He asked me to move on. Been doing NC now and I am really afraid he would move on and that he really does not want me back. What should I do? Continue NC? I don’t have much hope because he’s very stubborn.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI B,

      if you don’t do nc, would you continue chasing him?

  25. Kaitlyn - 0


    My boyfriend broke up with me about a month and a half ago. I’ve liked him for about a year, and the first time we dated was in February, but we’ve broken up a few times already (we weren’t together for very long either of the first times, but this last time was about 4 months). I still think I have feelings for hin, but I’m very conflicted because I don’t think he’s ever going to want to get back together with me. He says he no longer has feelings for me and he’s been ignoring me recently (not a ton, cause we haven’t been speaking a lot, but more than he has previously). I want to try the No Contact rule but I’m not sure it will do anything for me. We go to school together and have a few classes together which he will try to talk to me in sometimes, but I just haven’t felt like talking to him lately because I’m kind of giving up. I really feel like I’m only telling myself I’m over him because he says he’s over me. This might have been a bit confusing, but please help me if you can, I’d really appreciate it.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kaitlyn,

      Well, the no contact rule is not really about just ignoring him.. You have to focus in improving yourself. If he initiates a conversation, just be polite and short. There’s no guarantee that it will work but there’s not harm in focusing in improving yourself.

  26. Xristin - 0


    Hello, I am interested to buy your products.
    In the welcome pdf you mention only 3 of them, The Exboyfriend Recovery Pro, the Texting Bible and the No Contact Rule.
    After checking what each one features, it seems like if I purchase The Exboyfriend Recovery Pro, it includes all the other
    two products and all the bonuses, is that accurate ? If not, how could I purchase all your products without paying twice for the same books ?

    Another thing I want to ask is if the The Exboyfriend Recovery Pro includes instructions in case
    – He was not a boyfriend but we were married
    – If we have a child
    – If he already started dating other women

    Thank you, I posted here because you say I will get a faster response.

  27. Juliet - 0


    I am 7 days into the NC period. He sent me 4 messages on the day I left (he broke up with me bec of another girl while I was on holiday but he wants to stay friends) saying I left my stuff that he bought for me while he was on holiday and he will ship them out to me but also wanted to check if the address was correct. I didnt reply. His last message was, he will send it even if the address is wrong. And I still ignored.
    After 5 days, he messages me again, again about the stuff which I thought he had already shipped out to me. I still ignored. Next day, he deleted me from Whatsapp so I do not see his pic and last seen. But he has not blocked me.
    Should I have brokedn the NC and replied to him? Please enlighten me. Thank you.


    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor


      if you don’t need those things don’t.. If those were just souvenirs, just let him be..

  28. she - 0


    what if i already unfriend him?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi She,

      don’t send a friend request during no contact, just keep your posts public.

  29. Ash - 0


    Hi there.

    Me and my boyfriend of 5 months broke up three days ago. We met online and hit it off immediately. I was taking it slow in the beginning due to bad past relationship but he wanted to be exclusive and I agreed as we had heaps in common. We only met during the weekends as I am a full-time post grad student and he works a lot. Everything was going well we never fought and seldom had any arguments. He even invited me to accompany him for Christmas at his parents place. But the last month was a bit rough on me as I am a international student and there were some issue with my visa. Soon after I started noticing that he is being distant and cold towards me but when I backed off and gave him some space he would always initiate contact. Last weekend while we were making plans to meet over the phone I casually told him that I missed him. After a long pause he told me that he don’t have strong romantic feelings for me as i do for him and he wants to still hang out but not want to continue going out with me, Even though it hurt but I kept calm and told him he doesn’t have to apologize for the way he feels but I don’t think I will be comfortable with hanging out as I do have feelings for him and it wont be fair to me. He said that I don’t have to make a decision right now but he likes me and likes spending time with me and considers me a friend. He also apologized for cold behavior and said he felt guilty for doing that. We ended it with him telling me that I shouldn’t hesitate to contact him if I ever wanted any help.

    The next day was very tough for me and I wanted to contact him badly but I kept strong. Yesterday, he sent me a Facebook invite to an event we have been talking about. I didn’t respond to the invite.

    I am just confused by his behavior. Also, wanted to know if the no contact rule applies to me as we didn’t end things on bad terms and I don’t think he is a bad guy in all of this. Please help!


    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Ash,

      yeah, you can still try doing the no contact rule, because basically, he’s trying to friendzone.. I just wanted to know, why do you think he lost feelings with you?

    • Ash - 0


      In all honestly I don’t know. Maybe because I was too preoccupied with my studies and was too stressed out about my visa. Also, I feel we both never actually really communicated that well. I am more confused as when we were together he was very caring and attentive. It was only when we were texting or talking on the phone that we would be cold and distant.

  30. Cyrus - 0


    So our school club (A) was invited to go to school club (B)’s meetings. But my ex goes to school club (B), and since I’m 15 days in of my 21 days of no contact, I’m worried if I should go or not…

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      If it’s going to help you grow, go.. Juat be civil with him

  31. Cyrus Swart - 0

    Cyrus Swart

    . Right now I’m on day 13 of the no contact rule. But our GSA club got invited to join another GSA group for their meetings now on Mondays, where my ex goes to that GSA group. So now I’m concerned on whether I should go or not, because this would be a good experience club wise to improve myself, but my ex is going to that one and he doesn’t know that our GSA group was invited to theirs, so I’m thinking he might think that I’m stalking him or something and I don’t want that to be the case.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      If it’s going to help you grow, go.. Juat be civil with him

  32. Sam - 0


    Help!!!!!!!! Its been 3 years we are still friends after we had been together he talks to a girl but he said to me he was not in a relationship with her and not a long ago he we was being friendly and sweet to me even though he had said to me in the past to move on.. 2 3 days later I just went crazy from no where saying to stop msging me cause it always messes my feels and that how one mistake I done had changed him and stuff. Should I say sorry iv done this so many times but this was after ages I feel like I just sound physco as his made it clear now what shall I do helpppp!!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      hi Sam,

      nope.. stop explaining and chasing to him..if you’re in no contact, focus in it

  33. Pinktie - 0


    My bf and i broke up over 2weeks ago. We are living together for 9years. He kepts saying that he wants to focus his time and himself with his parents(having financial crisis right now). He said that his goals and priorities have changed. He was tired of arguing,he was not happy.he kepts on saying that he is not the best person for me that he cannot give all that i want eventhough im not asking for anything..he keeps on pushing me away telling that i can find another man worth it of me..i really cried for him and jeep on begging him thay we can talk about it and fix it but he says that the past and problems are done we dont need to talk about it again and again.all he wanted right now is to really break up with me. I really acted so needy coz i really dont want us to break the relationship that i really want him in jy life after all those years….Though this scenario happende also last april,july we fight we argue and and get fix..he always told me that we should enfld this but im begging him again crying so hard and then after a.moment he will be the one to tell me that im sorry this is not really what he want that he dont want to loose me that he loves me…then everything will be ok again..last sept 19 this happens again..we come to apoint that we finally agreed to end the relationship..then the following day again..he was the one who cried saying sorry will i give him another chance to come back that he will do his best again for me etc etc..then the worst case scenario happend last october 8 i found out that he is communicating with his officemate who is 10years youger than ours (in a 1year realtionship).he told me that he feel in love with the girl because she appreciated him she believes in his strenghts and character..but he knows its impossible to have a relationship with her because she has a bf.he texted me the following day if we can talk.he told me he talked to the girl and they both decided to end things.but tuen he told me that he really wanted me to let him go so that he wont hurt me again,he is not the best man for me,he cannot give me evrything that iwant though i never ask for more..that i deserve someone better than him.after all of this scenario and arguments fights challenges and problems.i still want ck in my life and im willing to do everything to be with him.what advice can you give me..will the no contact thing can help us or him to still fix the realtionship? Thank you

    • Pinktie - 0


      Sorry its not 9years..its 13years..we already had this break up thing on or 6th years in relationship.

    • Pinktie - 0


      After 3 days of no contact..my friend texted him that im not feeling well,that i have a fever and body ache.immediately my ex texted me be well and be strong please..but i didnt reply..do i need to restart tge no contact rule or just continue?thanks

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      because you didnt reply, just continue it

    • jinna - 0
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      that’s ok.. At least you didnt reply.. Make the most of the remaining days for yourself instead of worrying about him

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