Welcome to the ultimate Guide in understanding how to use the No Contact Rule after a breakup.

In short, the No Contact Rule is about shutting down communications with an ex for a certain period of time such that you create space for each other allowing for healing, self recovery, and an opportunity for both of you to potentially come back together as a couple.

In some circles, this all encompassing strategy is also referred to as implementing Radio Silence with your ex boyfriend.

I guess we could also call it shutting down all communications or going quiet.

I suppose we could even describe it as giving your ex the silent treatment.  Or if we take it a step further,  the No Contact Rule could also be described as refusing to talk and communicate with your boyfriend on every level for the sake of your own recovery and eventually getting him back.

Guess what we are going to do!

We are going to dig into this much talked about, but poorly understood concept.  I consider it one of the most effective rules you will need to embrace during the Post Breakup Period.

And I want to be very clear about something:

This isn’t some lame “does the no contact rule work?” post that I just slapped together in fifteen minutes.

It is so much more than that!

What Is The No Contact Rule Really All About?

People want to know if this non communication strategy really works.

Will it work for me” is the most frequent question men and women have about using Radio Silence as a breakup strategy. People expect to learn what it is, what it can do for them, and how and why it works.

People want to know “what should I do if I break the no contact rule?

Many who hear about it’s usefulness in helping get an boyfriend back often are curious about why it is so effective and how long it will take to work.  Clients will ask me, “my boyfriend is really stubborn.  Are you sure the no contact rule work on him?”

I get men and women everyday confessing to me that they didn’t implement the Radio Silence Treatment correctly.  They will tell me they broke off Radio Silence early.  They want to know if by breaking no contact, did they screw up and will they still get him back.  They will ask if they should start it all over again.

So as you can see, there are just so many questions.  I think you deserve answers because how else can you optimize your chances of getting him back, right?

Well, you have come to the right place, my friend!

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Does Ignoring Your Ex Really Work?

With this Guide you’re going to learn everything that I’ve discovered from my 6+ years of working with clients who’ve used the no contact rule to success after a breakup.

So, if you’re looking to utilize this break up recovery strategy and are hoping that it will help you get through this difficult time, then you’re going to need a comprehensive and instructive Guide.

I am going to give you that and much more.  But first, let’s explore the big picture of how this NC rule can make a huge difference in bettering your chances of getting your ex coming back and opening up.

This next section of my Guide will offer you 10 Novel Reasons Why Ignoring Your Ex Can Work To Your Adva so well in helping you get your ex boyfriend back a whole lot faster than you would imagine.  If you think its all over and your ex boyfriend will never want to see and speak to you again, well guess what?

You have a secret ex recovery weapon!

10 Intriguing Benefits of Not Talking To Your Ex Anymore

1. Stop The Bleeding Caused By the Break Up.

It hurts like hell when your ex boyfriend breaks up with you.  Heck, it’s painful as heck even if you initiate the break up.  However it all went down, chances are you and your boyfriend’s nerves are shot,  that emotions are on edge, and if there isn’t some relief soon, what is left of the relationship is going to implode.  So Radio Silence is like a circuit breaker.  You are kicking off the communications and creating some space so you and your boyfriend can breathe on your own again.

2.  Implementing Radio Silence Helps Your Ex Boyfriend Experience Some Healing.

If you want to optimize your chances over the long run, you need to separate from your ex boyfriend in the short run for a lot of reasons, least of which is your ex boyfriend needs to get better.  He might be acting like an angry bully or may be undergoing serious emotional difficulties.  Depression may be setting in.  His inability to cope with these new emotions makes him unapproachable.  And if you try to reach out to your ex during this emotional packed time, do so at your own risk!  So allow him some time to navigate through his stages of grief.

3.  Hey, What About Your Own Healing After a Break Up?

That’s right.  You too need to get your emotions centered, so healing is a two way street.  Neither of your are going to be of much good to the other during most stages of the post break up period.  You might agree to go your separate ways amicably, but later those feelings of rejection, resentment, anger and all the rest are going to descend upon you.  Getting through all that will take you some time.

4. The No Contact Rule Allows You To Reset The Relationship After The Breakup

Somewhere along the way, you and your boyfriend blew up the relationship. There can be tons of reasons for that.  By using Radio Silence right after the break-up, you are in effect resetting the Breakup Clock.  The old relationship is dead.  Now you are in the post break up period.  The idea though is to work through this period to do a lot of things that will allow you to reset the Relationship and hopefully come at it in a better way, armed with greater knowledge and insights.

5. Ignoring Your Ex Allows You To Create Attraction

When you buy my eBooks, you learn all about how to maximize the No Contact Period such that you are doing things not just for your own self recovery (healing), but also taking many steps to rebuild attraction and plant seeds of arousal.

6. Rolling Out Your NC Strategy Allows You To Create a Self Recovery Plan

There are two sides to the after breakup period.  Like two sides of a coin. There is the part where you do things to optimize your chances to win your ex boyfriend back.  Then there are things that you do for yourself to get better in all aspects of your life.  I refer to this as optimizing your Holy Trinity of improving your health, wealth, and relationships.  And the wonderful thing about it is by doing this for yourself, you give yourself protection in the event you never get your ex boyfriend back.  You will have so much more balance and perspective about your place in life.  And interestingly, this side of the coin (self recovery) helps you with the other side of the coin (creating attraction and interest from your ex boyfriend).

7. Going Silent With Your Ex Boyfriend Gives You Time To Rebuild Your Confidence

There is not much worse than feeling discarded and rejected and disappointed by your ex boyfriend, over and over again.  It can take its toll in your personal confidence department.  So use this time of Radio Silence wisely, and focus on things that will rebuild your confidence and sense of self value.  Remember, it is ultimately your ex boyfriend’s loss if he can’t find his way back to you.  That is not on you.  You will execute your plan and he will have his opportunities, but whatever happens, you can hold your head up high and walk with confidence.

8. Using the No Contact Rule Helps You With Enhancing Your Value

One of the things I talk about in all my Ebooks is the importance of striving to become the Ungettable Girl.  This is where you focus on not just becoming the best version of yourself, but you seek to be everything your ex boyfriend may have imagined as his dream girlfriend, except he can’t quite have you right now.  That is the place you want to arrive and there are many tactics you can draw upon to get there.

9. By Ending Contact With Your Ex Boyfriend It Open Your Eyes To Other Paths and Alternatives

Right now you are probably thinking of your ex boyfriend with great intensity.  It might be fair to say your are obsessed with thoughts about him and what he did and why it didn’t work out and how you can get him back just as quickly as possible.  But some of my clients, once they have gone through the entire No Contact Rule period, will come out the other side with an entirely different perspective of what they want.  And it may not be their ex boyfriend that they want to return to.  It may be something new you will want.  You may come to appreciate that your ex boyfriend’s spell over you has ended and he is not what you need after all.

10.  Once You Pick Up One Of My Ebooks and Start In On Ending Communications With Your Ex, You Will Learn About Psychological Reactance.

Don’t you just love fancy scientific sounding words!  Well, this one actually works.  Indeed, just the fact that you are shutting down communications with your ex boyfriend plays well with this psychological principle.  In short, it goes like this.  Your boyfriend is not use to not getting what he wants.  The more your deprive him of contact, the greater his desire will be to regain that which he lost.

How To Get Your Ex Back With The No Contact Rule

Get your ex back with no contact

Now it’s time to dig in deeper into the subject of using Radio Silence on your ex boyfriend. If you want to use the no contact rule to get your ex back then there are really seven key things that you need to grasp.  They include:

  1. Understand how this Radio Silence Principle Works!
  2. Figure out how long you should make use of this strategy of not contacting your ex boyfriend
  3. Implement this Non Communication Strategy by harnessing a two pronged approach
  4. Embark on “The Holy Trinity” during this period of avoiding your ex
  5. Understand the cases where you can break the No Contact Period early
  6. Know when NOT to use Radio Silence with your boyfriend
  7. Understand how these  important concepts link together and why staying disciplined is important

The end…

No, I’m just kidding.

Buckle up because this is going to be one heck of a ride teaching you everything you need to know to be a success.

1. Understand How Refusing To Communicate With Your Ex Can Work Wonders

Understand what the no contact rule is.

If you are familiar with my work on Ex Boyfriend Recovery then you would know that I often like to compare getting an ex back to a puzzle.

It just so happens that the no contact rule is the largest piece of that puzzle.

What do you see?

puzzle-graphic
It’s a puzzle that is divided into two sections.

The top section

&

The bottom section

Now, let’s pretend that the top section of the puzzle is considered to be “the no contact rule” and the bottom part of the puzzle is considered to be the rest of the “ex recovery” strategy that I teach on this site.

puzzle-graphic-2

And in order to successfully get your ex back you need to merge the two puzzle pieces.

In other words, you can’t just rely on one side of the puzzle to do the work for you. I have noticed that over the years that people who come to this site always seem to be under the impression that all they need to do to win their ex back is implement the no contact rule.

That’s not true.

Yes, the no contact rule may, without a doubt, be the most important aspect of ex recovery but it isn’t going to get you over the finish line alone.

Why would I tell you this?

I want you to manage your expectations going in to reading this article. I want you to understand that there is still more work after this.

Now, I also don’t want to give off the impression that the no contact rule is easy.

It’s not.

But perhaps I should stop rambling and start explaining.

I enjoy making things as simple as possible for people and that’s what I am going to do here.

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

Now, I said I was going to make this as easy as possible for you to understand so let’s break this definition down piece by piece.

Let’s start with this part,

Cut off all communication

There is nothing too out of the ordinary here.

Cutting off all communication means that you don’t talk to your ex at all in any way shape or form.

Well… this isn’t exactly true all the time (as I will teach you later) but for now just roll with it.

If your ex texts you, you ignore them.

If they call you… Yup, you ignore them.

Ignore..

Ignore…

IGNORE….

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

Ok, the next part of our definition is,

For a certain amount of time

Of course, in order to explain this I think we are actually going to have to move on to concept number two.

2. How Long You Should Avoid Contacting Your Ex Boyfriend

figure out how long your no contact should be

One of the most popular questions that I get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is,

“Chris, how long should my no contact rule last for?”

It’s a good question because it depends wholly on your situation. You see, I used to claim that everyone should stick to a very basic 30 day rule. In other words, if you were going to try the no contact rule you should ignore your ex for a month.

But experience has taught me that this isn’t always the best practice.

For some situations 30 days may be too long and for others it may not be long enough.

That’s why you will see me recommending three different time frames when it comes to the no contact rule,

  1. The 21 Day Rule
  2. The 30 Day Rule
  3. The 45 Day Rule

Now, each of these rules have a different purpose.

So, what I would like to do now is help you determine which of these time frames is ideal for you.

(Side Note: There are pros and cons to each of these rules. So, consider everything before you pick one.)

The 21 Day Period Can Work For Some Breakup Situations

The 21 day rule is the shortest rule that I am willing to recommend here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. It’s perfect for those situations where you think your ex is going to freak out if you ignore them.

Some think its the sweet spot.  Sometimes you can adapt your period as I discuss in my BEST SELLING No Contact Rule Book!

Let me give you an example.

Imagine that you were to use the no contact rule on your ex and you got a string of text messages that looked like this,

txt-1

I have found that it’s counter productive to continue ignoring an ex for too long when you are getting the type of messages you want to be seeing from them.

But that leads us to an interesting question.

What if you aren’t getting the type of responses you want to see from an ex?

What if they freak out but not in a good way?

text-2

Well, then the 21 day rule isn’t going to be ideal.

Instead, you may want to look into the 30 or 45 day rule.

Speaking of the 30 day rule…

The 30 Day Period Is A Good Balance of Creating the Effect You Want With Most Guys

The 30 day no contact rule is what I like to call the basic no contact rule.

In other words, it should be your ideal starting point.

Take a look at the graphic I put together for you below,

starting-point

This graphic is meant to represent what I want every person who does the no contact rule to do.

I want them to start off by doing a 30 day rule and then based on how their ex reacts to the no contact rule I want them to adapt.

So, let’s say that you are doing the no contact rule on your ex and you receive the positive messages that you received above with the 21 day rule,

txt-1

But this doesn’t just happen once.

No, this is the third time something like this has started to happen.

Well, in that case then you probably want to move your 30 day rule to a 21 day rule,

starting-point-copy

Of course, the opposite is true if you receive negative text messages.

If that ends up happening then you probably want to turn your 30 day rule into a 45 day rule,

starting-point-copy-2

Let’s move on and talk a little more in-depth about the 45 day no contact rule.

The 45 Day Period Is About As Far You Want To Go

45 days is the longest I am willing to recommend for a no contact rule.

I know that may shock some of you who are familiar with what other experts recommend but there is a reason for why I don’t think a no contact period should ever last longer than 45 days.

On average how long do you think it takes a human being to break a habit?

According to research, 66 days.

So technically speaking it may only take your ex 66 days to get out of the habit of thinking about you. Now, can you imagine if you flat out ignored your ex for 90 days and then all of a sudden out of the blue you texted them.

Wouldn’t that be weird?

They may already be over you and you may not even have a chance at getting them back.

But lets move on from talking about time frames for a second and keep defining the no contact rule,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery,

Hmm… I think this one deserves it’s own section to be honest with you.

3. Implement Using A Two Pronged Strategy

the two pronged a

The way I teach the no contact rule versus the way other experts out there teach it is a little different.

Take a look at the graphic below,

two-prongs

This is how I teach the no contact rule.

You see, the no contact rule gives everyone who uses it an opportunity to implement a two pronged strategy.

  • Prong One = Making An Ex Miss You
  • Prong Two = Facilitates Recovery

Lets talk about each of the prongs for a bit first.

NC Prong One (Making Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You)

If you were to ask any person what their ideal outcome would be if they were to use the no contact rule it would be that their ex goes so crazy over being ignored that they want to get back together as soon as possible.

In other words, their ex would exhibit the behavior of someone who misses a lover.

And I am not going to lie, the no contact rule does do this.

This is one of the BIGGEST assets of implementing the no contact rule which I cover in great detail in my best selling ebook, “THE NO CONTACT RULE BOOK.

However, it’s rare for an ex to ask you to get back together so I wouldn’t really bank on it. What I will say is that the no contact rule can drastically increase the chances of making an ex miss you and their is scientific proof backing this up.

Have you ever heard of psychological reactance?

No?

“Psychological Reactance is defined as a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioral freedoms. Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or her choices or limiting the range of alternatives.”

Now, that may have been a lot to swallow if you weren’t a psychology major so allow me to break it down.

Psychological reactance assumes that there are a set number of freedoms that a person has. However, when one of those freedoms is taken away the person will react to it. Usually in a way where they try to reobtain that freedom.

So, let’s look at what’s happening here.

By ignoring your ex you are denying them certain freedoms (the freedom to talk to you.) So, according to psychological reactance they are going to react in a way to try to try to get that freedom back.

Think of it like this.

Let’s say I offer my daughter a cookie and she accepts it.

A simple premise, right?

Let’s shake things up.

Now let’s say that I offer my daughter a cookie and right when she reaches for it I end up taking it away and placing it on a nearby table.

(I am definitely a horrible parent 🙁 .)

What do you think she is going to do?

Well, she understands on a basic level that her freedom to have that cookie has just been taken away and she is going to do everything in her power to get it.

That’s psychological reactance at work.

Her freedom to have the cookie was just taken away and as a result she behaved in a way to get it back.

NC Prong Two (Facilitating A Recovery)

I am a little appalled of how little people talk about the second prong of the no contact rule.

Why?

Because in my opinion it’s the most powerful aspect of NC.

Think about it, in the end all you can do is influence your ex to feel a certain way. Truthfully, you don’t have any control over what they think or the actions they take.

However, when it comes to prong two you have complete control because prong two focuses heavily on you.

Think of it this way,

facilitate-recovery

By facilitating a recovery you are going to become more confident in yourself. As you grow more confident in yourself you are going to appear more attractive towards the people around you.

That includes your ex.

Such was the case for Natalie, the woman featured in episode of three of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast (https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/episode3/). You see, she ended up moving on a facilitated a recovery.

The result = Her ex ended up contacting her and hitting on her.

But this begs an interesting question.

How do you facilitate a recovery?

Well, you want to utilize what I call “The Holy Trinity.”

4. Embark On The Holy Trinity

the holy trinity in no contact

It’s actually three things.

Health, wealth and relationships.

I’ll tell you what. I am going to go put together a report for you explaining this.

One sec….

Ok, here you go,

(Holy Trinity)

This book will explain the basics of “The Holy Trinity.”

In a nutshell, you can divide the most important aspects of your life into these three categories.

Well, during the no contact rule you want to only be doing things that positively impact these three aspects of your life.

I talk about this briefly in the holy trinity report.

But here’s something I don’t talk about in the report.

The three aspects of the holy trinity are interconnected. What affects one aspect will end up affecting the other aspects.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say that you lose your job. Thus, your “wealth” category is negatively impacted,

negative-wealth

Common sense, right?

But as a result of losing your job you become very depressed and your “mental health” becomes impacted,

negative-health

With your “mental health” compromised you begin to take your frustrations out on your significant other and as a result they break up with you,

negative-relationships

All in all, everything gets impacted negatively. It’s like quicksand. One bad thing happens and everything gets pulled down with it. However, if we are going to buy into this theory of everything being connected that also means that when something positive happens to one of the aspects everything else gets impacted as well in a positive way.

For example, let’s say that you start working out and look the best you have ever looked before,

positive-health

As a result you gain more confidence and end up doing great in a job interview and get a new job,

positive-wealth

With more confidence and a great new job word gets around and eventually reaches your ex who looks at you in a whole new light,

positive-relationships

What impacts one aspect of the holy trinity will impact the others in some way, shape or form. Remember this as you aim to facilitate your recovery. Now, I am going to talk a lot about the holy trinity when I talk about the “no contact rule” calendar later.

For now, let’s move on and talk about the other aspect of facilitating a recovery.

Facilitating A Recovery Within Your Ex

I have a simple question for you.

Do you think you will have a better chance of getting your ex back if they are angry at you or if they are a little calmer?

Calmer, right?

Well, the other great thing about facilitating your own recovery from the breakup is that it gives your ex a chance to facilitate their own recovery from the breakup.

Why do you want them to recover from the breakup?

Well, because it’s going to allow them to be more rational for when the time finally comes for you to reach out to them.

But we will talk about that later.

Now that you have a good idea of what the no contact rule entails let’s turn our attention to a very common question that we get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery,

“Can I ever break the no contact rule?”

5. Understand The Cases Where You Can End No Contact

know when to break no contact early

This is one of those things that I constantly get asked.

Seriously, I must have been asked this at least 500 times.

Originally I was of the mindset that you shouldn’t ever break the no contact rule. In fact, I think if you go to (this article link) you will notice that I say just that. However, lets say you find yourself in a scenario where you are doing the no contact rule and your ex texts you with something like this,

i-want-you-back

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

Well, according to my earlier advice you wouldn’t be able to.

Do you see the flaw with that type of thinking?

I am all about adapting and updating which is why I no longer think it’s necessary to stay in a no contact rule given the right circumstances.

Now, the keyword there is “right circumstances.”

One of the sad facts that I have learned about the people who visit my website is that if I give them a little bit of leeway they will take advantage of that. In other words, if I sit here and tell you that you can break the no contact rule early an idea gets planted in your head where you may potentially look for any reason to break it early.

Which is why I am very strict about the rules you can utilize to break the no contact rule early.

There are seven factors that you need to look at when determining whether or not you can break the no contact rule early.

Those seven factors are,

  1. How long you were in the relationship with your ex for?
  2. How many days have passed since you started the no contact rule?
  3. How many times have you broken up with this person before?
  4. Where are you in your own personal recovery?
  5. What was the cause of the break up?
  6. Who initiated the break up?
  7. How many positive communications have you received from your ex since starting the no contact rule?

Let’s take each data point and talk a bit about it.

I believe you will be better prepared to make a decision on which “road” to take, if you understand each piece of the puzzle. Only then can you fit them together and see what picture emerges.

You see, there is a synergistic relationship between these 7 data points. They need to be evaluated and considered together as a whole.

Sort like the 3 Musketeers!

(Even though D’Artagnan is never counted.)

You know…one for all and all for one!

Except in this case, we have the 7 Musketeers!

Factor One: How Long Were You In A Relationship With Your Ex For?

This can be a useful data point because if you have been involved with your Ex for a lengthy period of time, then this history between the two of you should give you some valuable insight on how to approach the situation.

If the history reveals a relationship plagued with many conflicts and multiple breakups, then you should take note of this pattern. It is probably telling you something. You may benefit more from staying on course with your No Contact strategy.

Then we have the situation in which the relationship was only weeks or a few months in duration.

Relatively speaking, that is not a very long time to build a solid foundation.

Breaking up after such a short time, suggests that something is not working out for one or both partners. In such a situation, making an exception and ending your No Contact is probably not a good idea.

Maybe things will work out.

Maybe not.

But I would think long and hard before breaking off the No Contact.

Factor Two: How many days have passed since you started?

If you hear from your ex on day 5 of your No Contact Period, it may be too early to make an exception.

While not a “deal breaker”, since all of these data points need to be considered as a whole, you should know that your ex reaching out to you so soon may be more to do with their “rebound emotions”.

You both may need more time to sort things out on your own, before you try to do it together.

Now on the other hand, if your ex reaches out to you on day 26 of your 30 day No Contact Period, I would be inclined to recommend you consider ending “No Contact” and exploring what is on their mind.

Unless, of course, your ex was spewing some nasty venom.

Which leads us to the next factor.

Factor Three: What Is Your Track Record With Your Ex?

If you guys have had multiple breakups in the past, then it probably is not in your best interest to make an exception.

The on again, off again relationship cycle is not healthy.

Where on the other hand, if you guys have been pretty solid in the past, that bodes well for your future.

Maybe you can cut short your No Contact Period on the strength of this factor and other data points.

Factor Four: Where Are You In Your Personal Recovery

Are you truly ready to talk to your ex again?

How much time has gone by since you last spoke?

How far along are you in your No Contact Period?

The more time that has gone by, the better, because it takes TIME to heal.

Have you been able to set aside the angry and resentful feelings you may have had following the breakup?

Do you feel you have progressed emotionally in other ways?

Are your drawing closer to becoming the best version of yourself?

Can you honestly say you have learned something meaningful about yourself?

These are the kind of things you need to think about. The last thing you want is to try to re-enter your relationship when your wounds have not healed.

Factor Five: What Caused The Breakup

If your ex cheated on you, then I am not an advocate of ending the No Contact Period early. Not unless all of the other Data Points are strongly and positively in place.

When weighing whether an exception should be made, one really needs to put a lot of weight on what caused the breakup.

Ask yourself, how severe and ugly was the ending of the relationship?

The more severe, the longer one should stay with No Contact. Breakups can be damaging and both parties need to time heal.

All breakups are going to hurt, no matter the degree of severity.

But it is usually easier to spring back from breakups if they did not cause considerable spite, anger, and hate.

Factor Six: Who Initiated The Breakup

The forces of “personal power” play a role during and after the relationship.

If you initiated the breakup, you have more personal power, at least on this matter.

But be careful with power.

It can go straight to your head in a matter of speaking, but you may not be thinking with the right side of your brain.

If you are feeling really cocky and confident about this new development of your ex reaching out to you, you may not be in the right place “emotionally” to properly gauge your situation.

Now, if your ex initiated the breakup and is now reaching out, you still need to weigh things carefully. On its surface, it may appear that the balance of personal power has swayed to your favor. Perhaps, your ex realizes they made a mistake.

Just tread carefully. In other words,

You Initiating The Breakup > Your Ex Initiating The Breakup

Factor Seven: How Many Positive Communications Did You Receive?

I saved the best and most important data point, for last! This is why I call it the Golden Factor.

What you should be looking for are multiple positive messages sent by your ex to you. One attempt to communicate, even if it’s made in the most positive way, is usually not enough, particularly if the other data points are not favorable.

When an ex reaches out to you and tells you something really nice and pleasant, that demonstrates good faith. If it is repeated, that shows the person probably really cares. If you receive a few more communications, that demonstrates a persistence.

As long as those messages sent to you have a positive energy, that bodes well for you.

Now if you get bombarded with negative message after negative message, to a point where it seems like your ex is obsessing….well, that is not a good thing.

If that happens, I would suggest you ignore those many obsessive contacts.

Positive contact can come in multiple forms.

It could be text messages. It could be emails. It could be phone messages. It could be old fashioned letters. It could be a message in a bottle. It could be a bouquet of flowers or a gift with a card.

Hell, it can even be on Facebook or Snapchat.

The main thing is that such messages need to number more than one.

They need to be positive, friendly and respectful. And they need to occur within a brief period of time (e.g. over a few days, perhaps over a week).

What if they show up at your door?

Don’t fall for it the first time around. Be nice and tell them you need more time. If this happens a few times and your ex conducted themselves respectfully, well, an exception may be in order.

Remember, I said it may be in order! You need to look at all of the data points and judge whether you wish to end your No Contact Period.
Is there any magic number of data points which have to be met, before you make an Exception?

Yes, and that leads me to my next point.

The Rule Of Four When Dealing With Breaking No Contact

Do you remember above when I mentioned that if I give people too much leeway they will take advantage of it and look for any excuse to break the no contact rule.

Well, that’s what the rule of four is meant for.

There are a total of seven factors that you need to look at if you are considering ending the no contact rule early. Well, what if I told you that you only needed four of those factors to break it.

It’s just that one of those factors has to be the “golden factor,”

The Golden Factor = Receiving Multiple Positive Communications From Your Ex

For example, let’s say that you have checked off every other factor except the golden one.

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

No, the golden factor is essential for breaking no contact early.

But what if you have the golden factor but you don’t get any of the other factors?

Can you break no contact?

No, obtaining three other factors is just as essential as obtaining the golden factor.

That’s the rule of four.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

6. Know When NOT To Use The No Contact Principle

when NOT to use the no contact rule

This is where things tend to get a bit more complicated. You see, in addition to understanding the rules for breaking the no contact rule early (which I am just going to tell you upfront is very rare) you will also need to understand that there are going to be certain situations that you may find yourself that will require you to alter the no contact rule.

Now, altering a no contact period is completely different than breaking it.

What’s the difference?

Altering No Contact = You are still technically under the no contact period you just might be playing with a slightly different set of rules.

Breaking No Contact = You should be advancing to the next phase of the strategy to get your ex back.

Now, there are actually a lot of different situations that may make you alter your no contact rule BUT I don’t have the time to list out each and every one of them.

Instead, I thought that it would be best if I just listed out the 6 most common alterations I see people having to make,

  • If Children Are Involved
  • If You Work With Them
  • If You Live With Them
  • If You Go To School With Them
  • If You Unexpectedly Run Into Them
  • The Item Exchange

Now, since this is Ex Boyfriend Recovery and we are committed to creating the best content in the world relating to exes we are going to go above and beyond for you by teaching you the alterations you are going to have to make for each of these situations.

Let’s start from the top.

1. The Alterations You Need To Make If Children Are Involved

This is always a difficult situation to alter because more often than not if you and your ex share a child you are going to be living together (which we will talk about next.)

So, rather than addressing what to do about the living situation let’s talk about what to do if you decide to use the no contact rule on your ex and they send you something like this,

child-text

Oh, and in case you couldn’t read between the lines “Carter” is your kid.

How do you deal with this?

Ok, here is my rule for when it comes to communicating about kids during no contact.

The Rule: You can break no contact to talk about the kids and that’s it. After you interaction about the kids is over you are going right back into no contact.

Pretty simple, right?

Well, things get a bit more complicated when you take into account that more often than not if you share a child with your ex you are probably living together.

How the hell are you supposed to handle no contact?

2. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Work With Your Ex

There are two words I want you to get very familiar with.

Strictly Business!

Now, it’s important to remember that the goal here isn’t to p*ss off your ex and that can definitely happen if you work together and completely ignore him. Instead, I don’t want you to initiate any conversations with him. Let him initiate all the conversations and if he does then keep the conversation short and sweet.

The only fly in the ointment, so to speak, is if your have to communicate due to a work related activity.

In that case make sure the scope of the conversation is STRICTLY BUSINESS!

In other words, if you are talking about something business related that is completely fine but if he veers off and starts talking about something “non business related” then I want you to subtly redirect him to talking about business.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

3. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Live With Your Ex

I am just going to be blunt with you.

The no contact rule is always going to be more effective if you aren’t living with your ex. That’s just the way it is and anyone who tells you anything differently is lying straight to your face.

BUT the no contact rule can still be effective if you live with the person so don’t go into a depression just yet.

It’s just that it isn’t going to be as effective.

So, what’s the rule regarding living with your ex?

The Rule: If it’s possible move out.

Now, the keyword that you want to look at there is “IF IT’S POSSIBLE.”

If moving out isn’t an option then don’t do it. Don’t worry, I have a specific strategy that you should employ but before I let you in on that I want to put my money where my mouth is.

Meet Jessica,

jessica

Jessica is someone who I personally worked with on Facebook.

I advised her to enter into a 21 day no contact period and also to move out of the house she was staying at with her ex boyfriend.

She did exactly what I said and when it was all said and done she had her ex chasing her and begging for her back. Oh, and he proposed.

This alteration produces results.

But let’s say that you can’t move out. Let’s say it’s not an option.

What do you do then?

Simple, you are going to act as cordial as possible when you do see your ex so they don’t think you are a d*ck but you NEVER want to start a conversation. Hmm…. perhaps this would work better as an example.

Ok, let’s pretend that you are dating me!

(I’m pretty awesome, I know!)

We are living together and you decide you want to utilize the no contact rule.

One day I come home from work (because in this example I am a high powered business man 😉 ) and I look pretty stressed. Every fiber of your being is going to want to ask me a simple question,

“Are you ok?”

Or

“How was your day?”

But you aren’t allowed to.

Why?

Because you are in the midst of a no contact rule.

Now let’s answer one of the most asked questions I get about this situation.

Let’s say that instead of me looking stressed and angry when I come home that particular day I look pretty happy and I even go as far as to ask you how your day was.

What do you do?

Most women make the mistake of thinking that they should ignore their exes at this point.

That’s a mistake because that will just create more animosity between the two of you and that’s the last thing we want. Instead, the best way to handle this situation is to engage me in a conversation but keep it short and sweet.

The idea is not to linger too long.

4. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Go To School With Your Ex

Out of all the alterations I talk about in this section this is probably the easiest one to grasp.

In fact, the alteration here pretty much boils down to two steps.

Step One: Avoid your ex

Step Two: If it’s impossible to avoid them then keep it short and sweet

So, let’s talk about these steps really quick.

I want you to avoid your ex at school at all costs. Yes, I realize some mumbo jumbo expert out there may disagree with me but believe me when I say that this is for your own good.

Why?

Well, because I have often found that people will look for any conceivable excuse to “bump into their exes.”

But let’s assume you are in a situation where “step one” is impossible.

Let’s say that you are in the exact same class as your ex and it’s pretty much impossible to avoid them. Well, in that case I want you to keep everything short and sweet.

What do I mean by that?

Well, for starters I don’t want you to start any conversations with your ex. However, let’s say that your ex starts a conversation with you (like my example above when you live with an ex.)

Well, keep everything short and sweet.

Engage them but don’t engage them fully.

Be nice but not too nice.

Short and sweet.

That’s the name of the game.

5. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Unexpectedly Run Into Your Ex Boyfriend

Imagine for a moment that you are walking down the street and all of a sudden you see your ex…

You panic…

You get that deer in the headlights look…

And you pull a “kramer,”

a-kramer

Now, do you think that is the proper way to utilize the no contact rule in this situation?

No…

Absolutely not.

Instead, the correct move here is to walk up to your ex, say hi and leave it at that.

Less is more…

Now, before we move on to the final alteration I do have one thing to say. DON’T GO LOOKING TO RUN INTO YOUR EX ON PURPOSE! If you do that and they catch on to what you are doing then without a doubt you are going to appear to be desperate and that is going to have the opposite effect of what you are supposed to do.

6. Alterations You Need To Make For An Item or Possessions Exchange With Your Ex

Ah, and here it is…

The ultimate no contact question that I get asked on pretty much a daily basis.

“Chris, am I allowed to break the no contact rule if my ex has items that I want back?”

 

“What about if my ex asks me for their things?”

Ok, let’s tackle the easy one first.

If your ex asks for their things back then you have to give them their stuff back. No if’s, ands or buts about it.Therefore, you are allowed to break the no contact rule but just in this one instance. After the items are exchanged then I want you to go right back into the no contact rule.

How do you handle the interaction when you are exchanging things?

Good question.

Generally you want it to be short and sweet.

This isn’t a time to linger and relive the worst or best parts of your relationship.

Get in, exchange items and get out.

Simple…

Now, lets tackle the more difficult question.

What if your ex has something of yours that you want back. How do you handle that?

Well, the first question I would ask you is how important is it to you?

If we are talking “toothbrush level” type stuff then I think you can live without it and should probably stay in the no contact rule.

But what if it’s something of grave importance to you?

Something like your mothers ashes… Well, then you have my permission to break the no contact rule to get them back.

Fun Fact: Did you ever see the Malcolm in The Middle episode where the babysitter is fighting with her ex over her mothers ashes (I did obviously 😉 .)

7. Understand These Four Important Concepts To Stay Disciplined

Stay disciplined by doing these things

Now that you have a pretty good idea of how the no contact rule works I want to move on to the next step.

There is a philosophy that I want you to adopt.

It’s called “Dating Yourself.”

In fact, I did a whole interview with a dating coach named Veronica Grant where she pretty much summed up “dating yourself” better than I ever could,

(In case you don’t have the patience to watch the entire interview here is her summarization of “dating yourself,”)

Dating yourself is kind of what it sounds like. Doing things for yourself that you would either want or expect your significant other to do for you. So, it can be things like buying yourself flowers, writing yourself a love note, taking a hot bubble bath, taking yourself out for a drink or for a nice dinner but really the deeper essence of it is making yourself feel how you want to feel on your relationship.

Now, I am absolutely in love with this idea, especially during the no contact rule.

Why?

Well, it kind of serves as a gauntlet for weeding out the people who aren’t serious about getting their exes back and simply want to move on. And that’s a great thing because usually half the battle is finding a way to get on the right path.

So, how does this “gauntlet effect” work?

1. The Gauntlet Effect

It’s hard to admit (because I was a young buck when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery) but I have been doing this for over half a decade. But most of the people who come to this website want one thing and one thing only,

They want to get their exes back.

And I feel I have certainly catered to those people a lot (Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO anyone?)

But sometimes a person comes to me with a horrifying story that makes me think,

“Hmm… maybe you shouldn’t get back with your ex.”

And being me, I usually verbalize my thoughts without thinking a lot of time.

Now, usually when I tell someone this they are very respectful and often times they agree with me. However, when it comes time for them to take specific actions revolving around getting over their ex they actually do the opposite.

Now, after five years of his happening to me I have finally wised up to what’s going on.

Nothing I say will convince a person otherwise and I have simply decided to let people go through their own process (because sometimes that’s what it takes for them to realize their ex is not the right fit for them.)

Ah, but that’s where “The Gauntlet Effect” comes into play.

By utilizing the “date yourself” philosophy during the no contact rule you are essentially putting yourself in a gauntlet to see if you are still interested in your ex by the end of the no contact rule.

Allow me to explain in more detail.

Let’s pretend that you are doing a 30 day no contact rule and you decide that on top of utilizing the “two prongs” that I talked about above you are going to also utilize the “date yourself” philosophy.

And while you are dating yourself you come to the realization that,

“Hmm… my ex never treated me as good as I am treating myself right now..”

And pretty soon this singular thought evolves into,

“I don’t think I want him back.”

Well, that’s the gauntlet effect in play right there. It essentially helps you determine what you really want going forward. Of course, if you come out the other end of the gauntlet and you still want your ex back then you absolutely positively have my permission to do everything in your power to get him back.

Of course, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves now.

WARNING: Most People Who Try The No Contact Rule End Up Failing It

I think I may have mentioned this before but it never hurts to re-iterate.

The odds aren’t in your favor to successfully make it through the no contact rule. In fact, I would say that the vast majority of people I have met have ultimately ended up failing at the no contact rule.

Now, what does that mean?

Well, usually that means that you decide to do a period of no contact and somewhere during that period you end up contacting your ex.

And it’s easy to understand why.

We live in a digital age where temptation is all around us.

I mean, think about it.

How tempting would it be to check your exes Facebook profile?

What about check and see the last time they logged into WhatsApp?

Of course, it’s my job to ensure that you don’t fail at the no contact rule so here’s what I have decided to do for you. I have put together a list of the very best ways that you can safely remove temptation. In other words, if you do the following things then your chances of successfully completing the no contact rule will drastically increase.

  • Getting A Friend To Hold The Number
  • Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time
  • Keeping A Journal
  • Unfollow On Facebook

Let’s talk a little about each of these initiatives.

2. Getting A Trusted Friend To Hold Onto Your Exes Number

Now, I am not going to lie to you.

This one is a bit flawed.

But more on that in a second. For now, let’s just grasp what this initiative is.

Essentially the way this works is that you write your exes number down on a piece of paper and then you erase that number from your phone. After that, you take the piece of paper to a trusted friend and tell them not to give it to you until your 21 – 45 days are up.

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“I get it and everything but what’s the flaw?

Well, let’s say that I am the trusted friend who you gave your exes number to. And let’s say that your ex contacts you at some point. It will probably still show up on your phone but just as a number you don’t recognize.

Nevertheless, I have seen this method work for a lot of women who have tried it so it isn’t without it’s merits.

3. Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time to Think About Him or Do Something You Will Regret

I am a big fan of this one.

Why?

Well, because IF you do the no contact rule the way that I am recommending you to do it then this is going to happen naturally.

Think about it…

The holy trinity…

Dating yourself…

These are things that are meant to keep you buys and most importantly keep your mind off of your ex which is a HUGE problem we are facing. So, the idea here is that you keep yourself so busy that you don’t even have time to contact your ex.

Now, I realize that it’s unrealistic of me to say,

“Ok, as long as you just make yourself busy you won’t ever have time to contact your ex.”

That’s not true.

If someone is motivated enough they will always find time.

But here is the point I want to hammer home for you.

As long as you couple this strategy with a few others you should be golden.

4. Keeping A Journal Can Make The Breakup Blues Go Away

I have to admit that I can’t take credit for this one. This is the brain child of my wife.

So, the way this works is that you go out and buy a journal. Now, the thing about this journal is that it’s only meant for the no contact rule. In other words, this is your no contact rule journal 😉 .

Ok, lame joke aside you are going to utilize this journal to write down your feelings during the no contact rule.

It’s a way to exercise how you are feeling and also a way to prevent yourself from contacting your ex.

Now, let’s say you are going along down the no contact rule and all of a sudden you get this urge to contact your ex. It’s overwhelming and your fingers are literally on the phone typing in their name.

Well, instead of doing that you are going to pull out your journal and write down how you are feeling.

Write down what you want to write…

Write down how angry and upset you are…

Get it all out.

Get it all out until you don’t feel the urge to contact them anymore.

Unfollow Your Ex On Facebook

Notice how I said “unfollow” and not “unfriend”

Believe it or not there is a difference between the two.

Unfollow:

unfollow

Basically by unfollowing your ex they won’t show up in your feed anymore. Now, if you want more details on why I recommend not to fully unfriend your ex then I recommend going here.

So, that’s going to do it for my epic guide on the no contact rule?

What do you think?

Are you confused about anything?

Do you need help with anything?

We would love to hear from you in the comments below!

6,495 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

  1. Avatar

    Kelly

    April 14, 2019 at 5:45 am

    Hello. My ex and I dated for 8 months and he was talking often about us getting married. We were happy, but I went on several trips for 3 out of the last 4 months we dated and we grew apart. I became exhausted with my busy travel schedule and we both stopped working on our relationship. I became unhappy and told him I was unhappy, which ignited his drive to try and work on us. 1 week later I broke up with him because I didn’t think we were right for each other and I regretted it the next day. That started a week of him texting me, then me texting him, and coming to a resolution to try again. One day later he changed his mind and said he just wanted to be friends. I saw him after church the following day and gave him back his beats headphones I had borrowed and now I am on day 6 of NC. My question is, did that 8ish days of back and forth after the initial breakup sabotage the Program? Or should I continue with it?

  2. Avatar

    Natasha

    April 12, 2019 at 8:03 am

    Hey Chris,
    I need an urgent advice, please help.

    So I have been talking to this guy since 2016. We like each other, but we have only talked on and off, never continued for long. This time it’s been 5 months we talking, longest ever and hopefully stay like this.

    He is studying Masters which is a tough course, but in March, we had some arguments a bit regularly. Almost 2-3 times in March third week and fourth week, March end, we had an argument again, it wasn’t anything big, we were trying to talk on call, but I was working too so he got irritated that we are’nt able to talk and I got angry that I just wanted few minutes to talk and be with me. Then he said we talk later as he had mid term coming so he couldn’t study. I asked if he meant to talk after the test, for which he said yes. The test was after 6 days, in that week which was last week, he didn’t even reply me to my messages and even stopped seeing my msgs. Then on the test day I messaged him and he didn’t even respond to my texts or calls, totally ignored me. He was online, even then he didn’t respond. Then last Sunday I got frantic, and started calling and messaging non stop. To which he didn’t respond at all, didn’t even see my msgs. Then from Sunday itself I started to follow the no contact rule, I haven’t messaged or called him yet. He still can be seen online, he hasn’t responded to me yet. And I just want to ask. Should I be doing the no contact? We didn’t breakup.. He didn’t ask to stop talking forever. And even if I follow for how long should I follow the rule?

    Please help.

  3. Avatar

    Corina

    April 9, 2019 at 1:17 am

    Hi Chris,
    Me and my ex have been together for 8 months. At the beginning of our relationship he broke up with me because I followed another guy on Instagram and liked his picture. When he did this I expressed to him that it was a simple follow and a like and I have no interest in him and no contact with him at all. I even told him how I was actually trying to set him up with a friend of mine. Eventually he admitted to being wrong and we moved past it, 8 months down the line to last week, I found messages on his social media to another woman. I told him how I felt about it and he made his point very clear that it was simply a simple conversation with no emotion attached to it. (I should let you know that we both work together and the woman was another coworker of ours). I expressed to him that I needed him to block her in order for me to move forward, which he did, but he is now following her again which bothers me so much because he doesn’t even have me on Instagram. All in all we have been fighting constantly and he has expressed to me multiple times that we should end our relationship and I’m the one who keeps begging him to stay. I’ve finally come to terms with no longer begging and giving him the space he needs and the space I need to heal. My worst fear is usuing the no contact rule and not getting any response at all from him. What is your recommendation.
    Thank you,
    Corina

  4. Avatar

    Victoria

    April 6, 2019 at 3:05 pm

    Our relationship lasted about two months but we’ve know each other for a few years. When he broke up with me he told me he needed space. Will the no contact rule still work?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 7, 2019 at 12:40 am

      Hi Victoria…NC has many benefits…in the personal development area as well as allowing for some space and time to make a mark. Check out my Program if you wish to learn more!

  5. Avatar

    Steph

    April 6, 2019 at 9:28 am

    Hi Chris,

    Just over 3 weeks ago my husband told me he didn’t love me like a husband should love a wife and that our marriage was over for good. We have only been married for 9 months and together for 11 years! There were absolutely no indications that anything was wrong, our house was such a happy one. Everyone has said that our relationship was one to be admired as we were not only partners but best friends. This is a total shock to me as well as all of our family and friends who are also not coping well. He’s moved back with his parents who have encouraged us both to see a counsellor (individually) which we are doing, however he states that he’s only doing it for me to come to terms with the break up. I want to save our marriage and address any of the problems that led him to fee like this so I started no contact last week but I just want to know if it is even worth doing? I’m feeling so lost and confused about the whole situation. I’m not sure what to do anymore? Any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

  6. Avatar

    Ja

    April 2, 2019 at 9:27 am

    Hi Chris,

    My ex broke up with me two weeks ago. We’ve dated 1 year and 3mos(10mos together then 7mos long distance relationship). I was very very supportive and affectionate. We were happy even in the long distance. Always considered his feelings cause he’s so stressed and pressured with his life and career. Though in the last three months he was always tired(physically, mentally and emotionally). We seldom do video call but chat consistently. He broke up with me cause I called him out for being not so sweet/caring. He said he felt like he can’t ever be sweet or caring enough in my standards. He said I have my standards and he can’t keep up with them no matter what and not knowing when he can visit me again is making it more difficult. I thought he was just frustrated and pressured. Or maybe I was being too much with my expectations or didn’t communicate my concern better. Initially I panicked and got angry, messaged him it was his loss not mine. He didn’t reply. Two days later, I admitted my mistakes and asked if we can start over, got NO reply. 5 days later, sent him a video to sincerely say goodbye and told him if this what it takes to show him my support for his career, I’m letting him go. He just “seen” it and still got no reply. I’ve been doing NC for 8days now. He still hasn’t deleted or blocked me on FB. Do you think we still have a chance?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 2, 2019 at 9:46 pm

      Hi Ja! Always a chance, particularly if you are implementing No Contact and doing all the things I discuss in my Program!

  7. Avatar

    Candace Wilson

    March 31, 2019 at 7:58 pm

    My Ex moved out three weeks ago now (we were together 3.5 years), I wasn’t good at the no contact rule at first, but we have a house, all assets together and two young step kids (mine from a first marriage who he hasn’t talked to at all) and I absolutely was so mad that the fight we had is what ended us. On last Sunday he came by to get some stuff, we ended up in an hour of basically silent conversation and tears and he took nothing with him. This past Friday we had to talk finances and paying bills (we are still joint everything), I asked him if I was crazy to hold onto hope (I know now, bad idea) and he said not crazy but he’s not coming home. I’m an absolutely amazing woman and he didn’t always treat me well but he’s not coming home. I have now implemented the no contact rule until we have to divide the assets, there is nothing to discuss other than ensuring the bills are paid. I really have no reason to contact him otherwise. I’m just so confused if he is really done? He is contacting me a couple of times per week to say “I hope you are doing well!” Why???? He took some of his stuff three weeks ago but only enough for a couple of weeks. I have asked him for a few hours or days notice before coming to the house in case the kids are here (they haven’t seen or talked to him at all and they are struggling as he was a second dad to them and did everything for them). He seems to be just burying himself in work, seems super happy at work (I know some of his co-workers), is ignoring his sister who he lives with, his best friend, etc. He has literally only told 2 people this has happened (his sister and one mutual friend at his work who I am close to). I am so confused, what is he doing? I have moved well past our fight, am seeing a counselor, moved all of his stuff out of our bedroom into the basement so I can sleep there and stay sane, but I just want him to come home. We can absolutely fix this but he becomes adamant he is done. All I have heard is how amazing I am but he is done and not coming home. How is he just flipping this switch? Of course I am moving forward, I have to for the kids and I, but I don’t get it.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 31, 2019 at 9:03 pm

      Hi Candace…I know what you are going thru is hard and I am glad you are seeing a counselor for support. If everybody did this, it would be a much better world. It seems to me he is experiencing pangs of guilt and perhaps some degree of uncertainty which could be the reason why he is checking in with you. I do think No Contact is the right medicine for numerous reasons…your healing/recovery/growth…as well as allowing for some time and space apart so he can come to potentially appreciate more you value and what he is leaving behind. I realize there will be exceptions to the NC rule given the kids and finances, etc. And you can work around that. But making this NC period about “you” and finding a peaceful center is important. If he ultimately chooses not to return and work on making the relationship even better, then it will be his loss – not yours. You have many paths available to you. If you have not already done so, take a look at my Program (EBR PRO) as it will help guide you thru this process.

  8. Avatar

    Suchi

    March 31, 2019 at 6:26 pm

    We talked and the breakup was ambiguous at first (a conversation about what has been going on, why he has been so distant – gist of it he doesn’t know what happened but doesnt feel the same, was trying to see if it got better w/ time), so he basically initiated the break up. apologized for making me feel insecure or bad the end of our relationship. I didn’t beg, was not desperate, when we broke up I vowed to start 30 days No Contact the very next day. Before I started NC, I told him due to being upset I wanted to exchange our stuff through my doorman so we didn’t have to see each other in person. He resisted but ultimately said we would figure it out. 7 days later, he sent me a text saying he dropped of a few bags of my stuff with my doorman. it was a lot so he didn’t want to burden me with them, and that he would. bring the rest on Monday, after his weekend away with his family. 3 hours after that text, he sent it again via another messaging app. 3 hours after that he realized I was ignoring him and he texted saying any type of response would be appreciated. I ignored all of these, the following day his text became more angry, accusing me of telling his friends and family before he said anything (not true, it was just the grapevine), etc… and I got sucked in to responding so that I could defend myself. so I broke NC 7 days in. He was angry – he said he hoped we could be adults and exchange our stuff in person and maybe have a goodbye hug. but then just said – well i guess we will just carry on…etc.. then he apologized for carrying on w/ the tone and that he was just sad and if i need anything I know how to contact him and finally “I’m sorry.” I wonder if I made a mistake pushing the breakup forward and going against his hopes of seeing each other in person to say “goodbye.” However my gut reaction is while I do want him back, I want to do it right – after some time knowing he’s not just going through initial withdrawal. I want to know he really wants me back, that it will be the same as it was before… this is coming from someone who told me something changed about how he felt about me and that we were like friends vs. lovers. Did I do the right thing? I am going to re-start NC all over again…

  9. Avatar

    Kelli

    March 21, 2019 at 10:31 pm

    Hi Chris,
    A guy I’ve been seeing on and off for many years and I had a fight. He ignored my apologies so I stopped trying. 6 months later I reached out and his response was a snarky “here’s my schedule, I’d love to hang out…oh I forgot, you’re not talking to me”. I attempted to reconnect and he is once again ignoring me. What do I do? What does he want? Will NC work?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 22, 2019 at 12:32 am

      Hi Kelli….NC has worked in many ways for lots of people. I spend 485 pages describing how my Program works and NC is a big, big piece of it.

  10. Avatar

    T

    March 21, 2019 at 7:05 am

    I was dating my ex for 9months he broke up with me saying that he still loves me but he doesn’t know if he wants to be in a relationship with me so he didn’t want to put me through that, I’ve been trying NC for 30days, he hasn’t contacted me, but then I saw a really bad hurricane swept through the area where his mom and family stay I wanted to check if they where alright so on the 20th day of NC I sent him a message basically like “this is out of the nowhere but is your family okay, hope you are having a good day” and he replied with a passive message I ended the chat right after but I don’t know there feels like there’s been a shift and I don’t know if I even have a chance anymore. We are in a LDR btw

  11. Avatar

    Via

    March 21, 2019 at 6:44 am

    Hi Chris,
    I knew the no contact rule for a while. Your breakdown allows me to understand it more thoroughly.
    But I never tried to not contact anyone, friend or ex. I feel if I stop contacting or ignoring anyone, they might stop contacting me forever instead of trying hard to talk to me. And if I value anyone, I don’t want them to leave my life permanently.
    That’s why after all my breakups, I keep talking with my exes and let them stay in my life as friends, even I want more, well at least when we just broke up.
    What if during NC period, the other person never talks to me, or breaks his habits of contacting me very fast, or deletes me completely to move on?
    I guess I can never really do NC without solving these concerns. Is there any example of those situations from you?
    Thank you for your help

  12. Avatar

    A

    March 3, 2019 at 12:43 pm

    Hi guys

    I’ve been in no contact for nearly a month now and it’s coming to an end soon but I am strongly considering doing an indefinite no contact as I have just been so hurt by my ex. He really seems insensitive to everything, I feel that he has no feelings anymore and I feel that no contact is making very little difference. I know I’m a good person and we all have our flaws but I don’t feel like I need to prove anything anymore. This is our third breakup and I can’t understand an ex coming back when he had no intentions on staying together or working on things. I know my ex took me for granted. I had initially intended to reach out after the 30 days, but I really don’t think it’s worth it. It has appeared that he has already moved on after a month of our breakup and I feel that all hope is really lost.. I think if someone can’t see your value or worth you shouldn’t chase them.. I have been active in improving myself and some days are better then others, I’ve just recently starting using a dating app (not expecting anything from it lol) & I am trying to move forward and your website has been a great place for helping me do that – I purchased the no contact rule book & found it a great help. The comfort I can find is the fact that it gets easier as time goes on. And it’s really his loss at the end of the day.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 3, 2019 at 6:04 pm

      Hi A…I am glad you are finding a better emotional balance. You are right….some guys just don’t get it. Glad we are able to help. If you need any 1 x 1 coaching, just let us know! Yep, you are right..it’s his loss if he doesn’t see the wonderful opportunity in you right in front of him.

  13. Avatar

    Erin

    March 3, 2019 at 3:04 am

    Hi Chris. I recently started dating someone long distance (4 months) but we broke up by his choice because I caught him in a lie. We first went on a break in January because I called him out for following a girl on Instagram and liking one of her bikini pictures, obviously flirting, and he got angry and told me he wanted to go on a break. I fought it a little but ultimately let him have his space and when the time came he said he wanted to keep doing long distance and make it work. Well, fast forward to now a month later I found out that he was still talking to this girl and cheated on me even the SAME day that I was visiting him but I didn’t find any of this out until this past weekend. I confronted him and he straight up lied to my face about everything until I texted him later telling him that I knew everything and he FINALLY admitted that it was true but wouldn’t talk about it past that to tell me why or what was happening that made him do this and broke up with me. I feel as if he wouldn’t have broken up with me if I hadn’t confronted him about all of the lying and what was going on. Can you tell me what might have been going through his mind and why it seems like I’m the one in the wrong here?

  14. Avatar

    Shreya

    March 2, 2019 at 5:37 am

    Hi Chris,

    I was waiting for your answer, seems like I have no chance with my bf and that is the reason you did not answer to my question. It seems like he is out of love with me as I irritated him with marriage topic and also lately started complaining and blaming him regarding our relationship and my saddness. I shoudnt hve done that.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 3, 2019 at 5:55 am

      Hi Shreya….I just get so so busy, I am not able to respond to every comment. You may want to consider implementing No Contact just the way I teach it in my Program. I have written books and recorded videos and podcasts on the subject. My epic eBook (485 pages) is probably the best way to get a deep dive into all of the strategies you may want to consider. So, yes, you have a chance. But there is a lot to do in the personal healing/recovery department for any of us who are going thru a breakup and that should be one’s focal point and at the same time one should have an ex recovery plan.

  15. Avatar

    Shay

    March 1, 2019 at 10:10 pm

    Does it count as breaking no contact if I accidentally looked at his Instagram story? I was clicking through automatically and then he popped up. Obviously I didn’t send a message or “like” any of his photos, but if he looks at the viewer list, he’s going to see I looked.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 1, 2019 at 10:42 pm

      Hi Shay…so don’t think you need to worry about this. If you are looking for a deep dive into the subject of the no contact rule and every way you can adapt and modify it to fit your needs, check out my 245 page eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”!

  16. Avatar

    Shreya

    February 27, 2019 at 5:53 pm

    We were in a year and half relationship, we belong to indian orthodox family. My parents started off with marriage topic, even though he was not ready for the marriage he ended talking to his parents about us. His parents did not agree and he beoke up with me. Though he still loves me he is not ready to continue the relationship further and to take the responsibility
    I started no contact rule but ended up calling him after 4 days. And then 2 days and also fought with him for giving up on us.it is very hard to stop talking to a person when you know he still loves you. But if i try to talk to him about my feeling and try to convince he asks not to manipulate him. What should I do in this situation. He is very stuborn and will never call me first. Will no contact rule work since families are involved. And what are the other thing which will help for him take a stand for us

  17. Avatar

    Shreya

    February 26, 2019 at 9:04 pm

    We were in a year and half relationship, we belong to indian orthodox family. My parents started off with marriage topic, even though he was not ready for the marriage he ended talking to his parents about us. His parents did not agree and he beoke up with me. Though he still loves me he is not ready to continue the relationship further and to take the responsibility
    I started no contact rule but ended up calling him after 4 days. And then 2 days and also fought with him for giving up on us.
    It is very hard to stop talking to a person when you know he still loves you. But if i try to talk to him about my feeling and try to convince he asks not to manipulate him. What should I do in this situation. He is very stuborn and will never call me first. Will no contact rule work since families are involved. And what are the other thing which will help for him take a stand for us

  18. Avatar

    Tare

    February 26, 2019 at 8:28 am

    My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me a month ago, he promised me we were gonna get married and that we were soul mates.
    All of a sudden he gave me stupid reasons why it can’t work out anymore and that distance was a barrier and he can’t ever date me again.
    I still miss him so much but everyone says I should move on since he broke my heart after so many promises.
    What should I do?
    I’m so hurt and I’ve been trying to move on but I can’t, I’ve started the no contact rule and it has lasted for a week but he hasn’t contacted me at all since, do you think he has moved on or he’s just trying to get his head together?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 26, 2019 at 10:34 pm

      Hi Tare…the NC process can do so much for you in the healing/recovery department as well as potentially increasing your chances of getting back with your ex.. So be sure you are up to speed on how to properly implement NC. I have tons of information about it on my site and of course in my Program Resources.

  19. Avatar

    Anyee

    February 21, 2019 at 5:06 am

    Hi Chris,

    Me and my boyfriend were together for 2 years and 4 months. We had some trust issue problem since we met, because we both cheated to get to each other .My boyfriend always think I will once again cheated on him. We broke up a week ago , it’s all because I hide I join a gym plan and engaged in a personal training session , I didn’t tell him that my personal trainer is a guy. And he found out one day , he was so mad and keep saying I cheated on him ,which I never

    .After he blocked from all social media , he will find d me say some venomous stuff, saying that he hate me , asking why I cheated on him . I keep telling him i didn’t do anything to cheat and I tell him I love him as always and everyone know I am loyal. He doesnt listen to me at all, and saying I will never able to prove I didn’t cheat .

    And now ,I am so afraid ,if he that mad and keep telling himself I cheated ,and the fact I didn’t at all. what will he tHink during the NC rule, will he able to think deeper and know I am loyal and answer me after the NC. He is so extreme right now that k could not communicate at the moment .
    Thanks.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 21, 2019 at 10:39 pm

      Hi there Anyee!

      Just give him some time to emotionally “settle” and if you feel its necessary, give him a heads up that you are going to give him some space and take time and space for yourself to work on things. I hope you are making use of my Program eBooks as they will help you through out this process.

  20. Avatar

    Maya Houch

    February 18, 2019 at 8:08 pm

    Hi, my ex I’ve known for the past year (since December 2017) has broken if off, saying he feels differently, that he is young (as he is much younger than me) and still wants to explore dating and he doesn’t know what he wants in a relationship still and to grow as an adult. He said he was still in love with me and loves/cares for me but doesn’t love me as much as in the beginning but was sure of his decision and it didn’t feel right to be with me anymore. We were in a long-distance relationship, he have never met but I was planning to go meet him during the summer and later move closer to him for my studies (so not just for him). Our problems were mostly communication but we had a great friendship, we would fight a lot though. Also, I recently lost both my parents so I was putting a lot of frustration at him. A week after the breakup, I send a clean slate text with help of another coach saying that I respect his decision, that I apology for my behaviour (as I did many mistakes and also the day of the breakup I said bad things) during the relationship (giving him some moments that I realized where I was wrong) and ended it with a cute little inside joke telling him that I hope we can get back to these good times and that I will continue giving him space until he is ready (it was a tad long but it was sincere). He answered saying that it’s not because of my behaviours that he broke up but repeated that it was because he was young and needed to grow up and explore dating more. He said I have the tendency to blame myself for most things and that I shouldn’t this time around, that it wasn’t my fault. He also said and I quote : “I would love to still be your caring friend and have a good time with you whenever we have the chance to speak. I’m glad to hear that you have been taking time for yourself, cause I do care about you, and always want you to succeed.” I didn’t answer to that as I wanted to start the no-contact from there. This was a week ago. But yesterday night, he messaged me saying and I quote: “Is this how it will be now on? We won’t speak any longer? It breaks my heart to see us not even being friends after all is said and done”. What does that mean? Should I answer him?

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