Welcome to the ultimate Guide in understanding how to use the No Contact Rule after a breakup.

In short, the No Contact Rule is about shutting down communications with an ex for a certain period of time such that you create space for each other allowing for healing, self recovery, and an opportunity for both of you to potentially come back together as a couple.

In some circles, this all encompassing strategy is also referred to as implementing Radio Silence with your ex boyfriend.

I guess we could also call it shutting down all communications or going quiet.

I suppose we could even describe it as giving your ex the silent treatment.  Or if we take it a step further,  the No Contact Rule could also be described as refusing to talk and communicate with your boyfriend on every level for the sake of your own recovery and eventually getting him back.

Guess what we are going to do!

We are going to dig into this much talked about, but poorly understood concept.  I consider it one of the most effective rules you will need to embrace during the Post Breakup Period.

And I want to be very clear about something:

This isn’t some lame “does the no contact rule work?” post that I just slapped together in fifteen minutes.

It is so much more than that!

What Is The No Contact Rule Really All About?

People want to know if this non communication strategy really works.

Will it work for me” is the most frequent question men and women have about using Radio Silence as a breakup strategy. People expect to learn what it is, what it can do for them, and how and why it works.

People want to know “what should I do if I break the no contact rule?

Many who hear about it’s usefulness in helping get an boyfriend back often are curious about why it is so effective and how long it will take to work.  Clients will ask me, “my boyfriend is really stubborn.  Are you sure the no contact rule work on him?”

I get men and women everyday confessing to me that they didn’t implement the Radio Silence Treatment correctly.  They will tell me they broke off Radio Silence early.  They want to know if by breaking no contact, did they screw up and will they still get him back.  They will ask if they should start it all over again.

So as you can see, there are just so many questions.  I think you deserve answers because how else can you optimize your chances of getting him back, right?

Well, you have come to the right place, my friend!

Does Ignoring Your Ex Really Work?

With this Guide you’re going to learn everything that I’ve discovered from my 6+ years of working with clients who’ve used the no contact rule to success after a breakup.

So, if you’re looking to utilize this break up recovery strategy and are hoping that it will help you get through this difficult time, then you’re going to need a comprehensive and instructive Guide.

I am going to give you that and much more.  But first, let’s explore the big picture of how this NC rule can make a huge difference in bettering your chances of getting your ex coming back and opening up.

This next section of my Guide will offer you 10 Novel Reasons Why Ignoring Your Ex Can Work To Your Adva so well in helping you get your ex boyfriend back a whole lot faster than you would imagine.  If you think its all over and your ex boyfriend will never want to see and speak to you again, well guess what?

You have a secret ex recovery weapon!

10 Intriguing Benefits of Not Talking To Your Ex Anymore

1. Stop The Bleeding Caused By the Break Up.

It hurts like hell when your ex boyfriend breaks up with you.  Heck, it’s painful as heck even if you initiate the break up.  However it all went down, chances are you and your boyfriend’s nerves are shot,  that emotions are on edge, and if there isn’t some relief soon, what is left of the relationship is going to implode.  So Radio Silence is like a circuit breaker.  You are kicking off the communications and creating some space so you and your boyfriend can breathe on your own again.

2.  Implementing Radio Silence Helps Your Ex Boyfriend Experience Some Healing.

If you want to optimize your chances over the long run, you need to separate from your ex boyfriend in the short run for a lot of reasons, least of which is your ex boyfriend needs to get better.  He might be acting like an angry bully or may be undergoing serious emotional difficulties.  Depression may be setting in.  His inability to cope with these new emotions makes him unapproachable.  And if you try to reach out to your ex during this emotional packed time, do so at your own risk!  So allow him some time to navigate through his stages of grief.

3.  Hey, What About Your Own Healing After a Break Up?

That’s right.  You too need to get your emotions centered, so healing is a two way street.  Neither of your are going to be of much good to the other during most stages of the post break up period.  You might agree to go your separate ways amicably, but later those feelings of rejection, resentment, anger and all the rest are going to descend upon you.  Getting through all that will take you some time.

4. The No Contact Rule Allows You To Reset The Relationship After The Breakup

Somewhere along the way, you and your boyfriend blew up the relationship. There can be tons of reasons for that.  By using Radio Silence right after the break-up, you are in effect resetting the Breakup Clock.  The old relationship is dead.  Now you are in the post break up period.  The idea though is to work through this period to do a lot of things that will allow you to reset the Relationship and hopefully come at it in a better way, armed with greater knowledge and insights.

5. Ignoring Your Ex Allows You To Create Attraction

When you buy my eBooks, you learn all about how to maximize the No Contact Period such that you are doing things not just for your own self recovery (healing), but also taking many steps to rebuild attraction and plant seeds of arousal.

6. Rolling Out Your NC Strategy Allows You To Create a Self Recovery Plan

There are two sides to the after breakup period.  Like two sides of a coin. There is the part where you do things to optimize your chances to win your ex boyfriend back.  Then there are things that you do for yourself to get better in all aspects of your life.  I refer to this as optimizing your Holy Trinity of improving your health, wealth, and relationships.  And the wonderful thing about it is by doing this for yourself, you give yourself protection in the event you never get your ex boyfriend back.  You will have so much more balance and perspective about your place in life.  And interestingly, this side of the coin (self recovery) helps you with the other side of the coin (creating attraction and interest from your ex boyfriend).

7. Going Silent With Your Ex Boyfriend Gives You Time To Rebuild Your Confidence

There is not much worse than feeling discarded and rejected and disappointed by your ex boyfriend, over and over again.  It can take its toll in your personal confidence department.  So use this time of Radio Silence wisely, and focus on things that will rebuild your confidence and sense of self value.  Remember, it is ultimately your ex boyfriend’s loss if he can’t find his way back to you.  That is not on you.  You will execute your plan and he will have his opportunities, but whatever happens, you can hold your head up high and walk with confidence.

8. Using the No Contact Rule Helps You With Enhancing Your Value

One of the things I talk about in all my Ebooks is the importance of striving to become the Ungettable Girl.  This is where you focus on not just becoming the best version of yourself, but you seek to be everything your ex boyfriend may have imagined as his dream girlfriend, except he can’t quite have you right now.  That is the place you want to arrive and there are many tactics you can draw upon to get there.

9. By Ending Contact With Your Ex Boyfriend It Open Your Eyes To Other Paths and Alternatives

Right now you are probably thinking of your ex boyfriend with great intensity.  It might be fair to say your are obsessed with thoughts about him and what he did and why it didn’t work out and how you can get him back just as quickly as possible.  But some of my clients, once they have gone through the entire No Contact Rule period, will come out the other side with an entirely different perspective of what they want.  And it may not be their ex boyfriend that they want to return to.  It may be something new you will want.  You may come to appreciate that your ex boyfriend’s spell over you has ended and he is not what you need after all.

10.  Once You Pick Up One Of My Ebooks and Start In On Ending Communications With Your Ex, You Will Learn About Psychological Reactance.

Don’t you just love fancy scientific sounding words!  Well, this one actually works.  Indeed, just the fact that you are shutting down communications with your ex boyfriend plays well with this psychological principle.  In short, it goes like this.  Your boyfriend is not use to not getting what he wants.  The more your deprive him of contact, the greater his desire will be to regain that which he lost.

How To Get Your Ex Back With The No Contact Rule

Get your ex back with no contact

Now it’s time to dig in deeper into the subject of using Radio Silence on your ex boyfriend. If you want to use the no contact rule to get your ex back then there are really seven key things that you need to grasp.  They include:

  1. Understand how this Radio Silence Principle Works!
  2. Figure out how long you should make use of this strategy of not contacting your ex boyfriend
  3. Implement this Non Communication Strategy by harnessing a two pronged approach
  4. Embark on “The Holy Trinity” during this period of avoiding your ex
  5. Understand the cases where you can break the No Contact Period early
  6. Know when NOT to use Radio Silence with your boyfriend
  7. Understand how these  important concepts link together and why staying disciplined is important

The end…

No, I’m just kidding.

Buckle up because this is going to be one heck of a ride teaching you everything you need to know to be a success.

1. Understand How Refusing To Communicate With Your Ex Can Work Wonders

Understand what the no contact rule is.

If you are familiar with my work on Ex Boyfriend Recovery then you would know that I often like to compare getting an ex back to a puzzle.

It just so happens that the no contact rule is the largest piece of that puzzle.

What do you see?

puzzle-graphic
It’s a puzzle that is divided into two sections.

The top section

&

The bottom section

Now, let’s pretend that the top section of the puzzle is considered to be “the no contact rule” and the bottom part of the puzzle is considered to be the rest of the “ex recovery” strategy that I teach on this site.

puzzle-graphic-2

And in order to successfully get your ex back you need to merge the two puzzle pieces.

In other words, you can’t just rely on one side of the puzzle to do the work for you. I have noticed that over the years that people who come to this site always seem to be under the impression that all they need to do to win their ex back is implement the no contact rule.

That’s not true.

Yes, the no contact rule may, without a doubt, be the most important aspect of ex recovery but it isn’t going to get you over the finish line alone.

Why would I tell you this?

I want you to manage your expectations going in to reading this article. I want you to understand that there is still more work after this.

Now, I also don’t want to give off the impression that the no contact rule is easy.

It’s not.

But perhaps I should stop rambling and start explaining.

I enjoy making things as simple as possible for people and that’s what I am going to do here.

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

Now, I said I was going to make this as easy as possible for you to understand so let’s break this definition down piece by piece.

Let’s start with this part,

Cut off all communication

There is nothing too out of the ordinary here.

Cutting off all communication means that you don’t talk to your ex at all in any way shape or form.

Well… this isn’t exactly true all the time (as I will teach you later) but for now just roll with it.

If your ex texts you, you ignore them.

If they call you… Yup, you ignore them.

Ignore..

Ignore…

IGNORE….

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

Ok, the next part of our definition is,

For a certain amount of time

Of course, in order to explain this I think we are actually going to have to move on to concept number two.

2. How Long You Should Avoid Contacting Your Ex Boyfriend

figure out how long your no contact should be

One of the most popular questions that I get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is,

“Chris, how long should my no contact rule last for?”

It’s a good question because it depends wholly on your situation. You see, I used to claim that everyone should stick to a very basic 30 day rule. In other words, if you were going to try the no contact rule you should ignore your ex for a month.

But experience has taught me that this isn’t always the best practice.

For some situations 30 days may be too long and for others it may not be long enough.

That’s why you will see me recommending three different time frames when it comes to the no contact rule,

  1. The 21 Day Rule
  2. The 30 Day Rule
  3. The 45 Day Rule

Now, each of these rules have a different purpose.

So, what I would like to do now is help you determine which of these time frames is ideal for you.

(Side Note: There are pros and cons to each of these rules. So, consider everything before you pick one.)

The 21 Day Period Can Work For Some Breakup Situations

The 21 day rule is the shortest rule that I am willing to recommend here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. It’s perfect for those situations where you think your ex is going to freak out if you ignore them.

Some think its the sweet spot.  Sometimes you can adapt your period as I discuss in my BEST SELLING No Contact Rule Book!

Let me give you an example.

Imagine that you were to use the no contact rule on your ex and you got a string of text messages that looked like this,

txt-1

I have found that it’s counter productive to continue ignoring an ex for too long when you are getting the type of messages you want to be seeing from them.

But that leads us to an interesting question.

What if you aren’t getting the type of responses you want to see from an ex?

What if they freak out but not in a good way?

text-2

Well, then the 21 day rule isn’t going to be ideal.

Instead, you may want to look into the 30 or 45 day rule.

Speaking of the 30 day rule…

The 30 Day Period Is A Good Balance of Creating the Effect You Want With Most Guys

The 30 day no contact rule is what I like to call the basic no contact rule.

In other words, it should be your ideal starting point.

Take a look at the graphic I put together for you below,

starting-point

This graphic is meant to represent what I want every person who does the no contact rule to do.

I want them to start off by doing a 30 day rule and then based on how their ex reacts to the no contact rule I want them to adapt.

So, let’s say that you are doing the no contact rule on your ex and you receive the positive messages that you received above with the 21 day rule,

txt-1

But this doesn’t just happen once.

No, this is the third time something like this has started to happen.

Well, in that case then you probably want to move your 30 day rule to a 21 day rule,

starting-point-copy

Of course, the opposite is true if you receive negative text messages.

If that ends up happening then you probably want to turn your 30 day rule into a 45 day rule,

starting-point-copy-2

Let’s move on and talk a little more in-depth about the 45 day no contact rule.

The 45 Day Period Is About As Far You Want To Go

45 days is the longest I am willing to recommend for a no contact rule.

I know that may shock some of you who are familiar with what other experts recommend but there is a reason for why I don’t think a no contact period should ever last longer than 45 days.

On average how long do you think it takes a human being to break a habit?

According to research, 66 days.

So technically speaking it may only take your ex 66 days to get out of the habit of thinking about you. Now, can you imagine if you flat out ignored your ex for 90 days and then all of a sudden out of the blue you texted them.

Wouldn’t that be weird?

They may already be over you and you may not even have a chance at getting them back.

But lets move on from talking about time frames for a second and keep defining the no contact rule,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery,

Hmm… I think this one deserves it’s own section to be honest with you.

3. Implement Using A Two Pronged Strategy

the two pronged a

The way I teach the no contact rule versus the way other experts out there teach it is a little different.

Take a look at the graphic below,

two-prongs

This is how I teach the no contact rule.

You see, the no contact rule gives everyone who uses it an opportunity to implement a two pronged strategy.

  • Prong One = Making An Ex Miss You
  • Prong Two = Facilitates Recovery

Lets talk about each of the prongs for a bit first.

NC Prong One (Making Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You)

If you were to ask any person what their ideal outcome would be if they were to use the no contact rule it would be that their ex goes so crazy over being ignored that they want to get back together as soon as possible.

In other words, their ex would exhibit the behavior of someone who misses a lover.

And I am not going to lie, the no contact rule does do this.

This is one of the BIGGEST assets of implementing the no contact rule which I cover in great detail in my best selling ebook, “THE NO CONTACT RULE BOOK.

However, it’s rare for an ex to ask you to get back together so I wouldn’t really bank on it. What I will say is that the no contact rule can drastically increase the chances of making an ex miss you and their is scientific proof backing this up.

Have you ever heard of psychological reactance?

No?

“Psychological Reactance is defined as a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioral freedoms. Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or her choices or limiting the range of alternatives.”

Now, that may have been a lot to swallow if you weren’t a psychology major so allow me to break it down.

Psychological reactance assumes that there are a set number of freedoms that a person has. However, when one of those freedoms is taken away the person will react to it. Usually in a way where they try to reobtain that freedom.

So, let’s look at what’s happening here.

By ignoring your ex you are denying them certain freedoms (the freedom to talk to you.) So, according to psychological reactance they are going to react in a way to try to try to get that freedom back.

Think of it like this.

Let’s say I offer my daughter a cookie and she accepts it.

A simple premise, right?

Let’s shake things up.

Now let’s say that I offer my daughter a cookie and right when she reaches for it I end up taking it away and placing it on a nearby table.

(I am definitely a horrible parent 🙁 .)

What do you think she is going to do?

Well, she understands on a basic level that her freedom to have that cookie has just been taken away and she is going to do everything in her power to get it.

That’s psychological reactance at work.

Her freedom to have the cookie was just taken away and as a result she behaved in a way to get it back.

NC Prong Two (Facilitating A Recovery)

I am a little appalled of how little people talk about the second prong of the no contact rule.

Why?

Because in my opinion it’s the most powerful aspect of NC.

Think about it, in the end all you can do is influence your ex to feel a certain way. Truthfully, you don’t have any control over what they think or the actions they take.

However, when it comes to prong two you have complete control because prong two focuses heavily on you.

Think of it this way,

facilitate-recovery

By facilitating a recovery you are going to become more confident in yourself. As you grow more confident in yourself you are going to appear more attractive towards the people around you.

That includes your ex.

Such was the case for Natalie, the woman featured in episode of three of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast (https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/episode3/). You see, she ended up moving on a facilitated a recovery.

The result = Her ex ended up contacting her and hitting on her.

But this begs an interesting question.

How do you facilitate a recovery?

Well, you want to utilize what I call “The Holy Trinity.”

4. Embark On The Holy Trinity

the holy trinity in no contact

It’s actually three things.

Health, wealth and relationships.

I’ll tell you what. I am going to go put together a report for you explaining this.

One sec….

Ok, here you go,

(Holy Trinity)

This book will explain the basics of “The Holy Trinity.”

In a nutshell, you can divide the most important aspects of your life into these three categories.

Well, during the no contact rule you want to only be doing things that positively impact these three aspects of your life.

I talk about this briefly in the holy trinity report.

But here’s something I don’t talk about in the report.

The three aspects of the holy trinity are interconnected. What affects one aspect will end up affecting the other aspects.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say that you lose your job. Thus, your “wealth” category is negatively impacted,

negative-wealth

Common sense, right?

But as a result of losing your job you become very depressed and your “mental health” becomes impacted,

negative-health

With your “mental health” compromised you begin to take your frustrations out on your significant other and as a result they break up with you,

negative-relationships

All in all, everything gets impacted negatively. It’s like quicksand. One bad thing happens and everything gets pulled down with it. However, if we are going to buy into this theory of everything being connected that also means that when something positive happens to one of the aspects everything else gets impacted as well in a positive way.

For example, let’s say that you start working out and look the best you have ever looked before,

positive-health

As a result you gain more confidence and end up doing great in a job interview and get a new job,

positive-wealth

With more confidence and a great new job word gets around and eventually reaches your ex who looks at you in a whole new light,

positive-relationships

What impacts one aspect of the holy trinity will impact the others in some way, shape or form. Remember this as you aim to facilitate your recovery. Now, I am going to talk a lot about the holy trinity when I talk about the “no contact rule” calendar later.

For now, let’s move on and talk about the other aspect of facilitating a recovery.

Facilitating A Recovery Within Your Ex

I have a simple question for you.

Do you think you will have a better chance of getting your ex back if they are angry at you or if they are a little calmer?

Calmer, right?

Well, the other great thing about facilitating your own recovery from the breakup is that it gives your ex a chance to facilitate their own recovery from the breakup.

Why do you want them to recover from the breakup?

Well, because it’s going to allow them to be more rational for when the time finally comes for you to reach out to them.

But we will talk about that later.

Now that you have a good idea of what the no contact rule entails let’s turn our attention to a very common question that we get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery,

“Can I ever break the no contact rule?”

5. Understand The Cases Where You Can End No Contact

know when to break no contact early

This is one of those things that I constantly get asked.

Seriously, I must have been asked this at least 500 times.

Originally I was of the mindset that you shouldn’t ever break the no contact rule. In fact, I think if you go to (this article link) you will notice that I say just that. However, lets say you find yourself in a scenario where you are doing the no contact rule and your ex texts you with something like this,

i-want-you-back

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

Well, according to my earlier advice you wouldn’t be able to.

Do you see the flaw with that type of thinking?

I am all about adapting and updating which is why I no longer think it’s necessary to stay in a no contact rule given the right circumstances.

Now, the keyword there is “right circumstances.”

One of the sad facts that I have learned about the people who visit my website is that if I give them a little bit of leeway they will take advantage of that. In other words, if I sit here and tell you that you can break the no contact rule early an idea gets planted in your head where you may potentially look for any reason to break it early.

Which is why I am very strict about the rules you can utilize to break the no contact rule early.

There are seven factors that you need to look at when determining whether or not you can break the no contact rule early.

Those seven factors are,

  1. How long you were in the relationship with your ex for?
  2. How many days have passed since you started the no contact rule?
  3. How many times have you broken up with this person before?
  4. Where are you in your own personal recovery?
  5. What was the cause of the break up?
  6. Who initiated the break up?
  7. How many positive communications have you received from your ex since starting the no contact rule?

Let’s take each data point and talk a bit about it.

I believe you will be better prepared to make a decision on which “road” to take, if you understand each piece of the puzzle. Only then can you fit them together and see what picture emerges.

You see, there is a synergistic relationship between these 7 data points. They need to be evaluated and considered together as a whole.

Sort like the 3 Musketeers!

(Even though D’Artagnan is never counted.)

You know…one for all and all for one!

Except in this case, we have the 7 Musketeers!

Factor One: How Long Were You In A Relationship With Your Ex For?

This can be a useful data point because if you have been involved with your Ex for a lengthy period of time, then this history between the two of you should give you some valuable insight on how to approach the situation.

If the history reveals a relationship plagued with many conflicts and multiple breakups, then you should take note of this pattern. It is probably telling you something. You may benefit more from staying on course with your No Contact strategy.

Then we have the situation in which the relationship was only weeks or a few months in duration.

Relatively speaking, that is not a very long time to build a solid foundation.

Breaking up after such a short time, suggests that something is not working out for one or both partners. In such a situation, making an exception and ending your No Contact is probably not a good idea.

Maybe things will work out.

Maybe not.

But I would think long and hard before breaking off the No Contact.

Factor Two: How many days have passed since you started?

If you hear from your ex on day 5 of your No Contact Period, it may be too early to make an exception.

While not a “deal breaker”, since all of these data points need to be considered as a whole, you should know that your ex reaching out to you so soon may be more to do with their “rebound emotions”.

You both may need more time to sort things out on your own, before you try to do it together.

Now on the other hand, if your ex reaches out to you on day 26 of your 30 day No Contact Period, I would be inclined to recommend you consider ending “No Contact” and exploring what is on their mind.

Unless, of course, your ex was spewing some nasty venom.

Which leads us to the next factor.

Factor Three: What Is Your Track Record With Your Ex?

If you guys have had multiple breakups in the past, then it probably is not in your best interest to make an exception.

The on again, off again relationship cycle is not healthy.

Where on the other hand, if you guys have been pretty solid in the past, that bodes well for your future.

Maybe you can cut short your No Contact Period on the strength of this factor and other data points.

Factor Four: Where Are You In Your Personal Recovery

Are you truly ready to talk to your ex again?

How much time has gone by since you last spoke?

How far along are you in your No Contact Period?

The more time that has gone by, the better, because it takes TIME to heal.

Have you been able to set aside the angry and resentful feelings you may have had following the breakup?

Do you feel you have progressed emotionally in other ways?

Are your drawing closer to becoming the best version of yourself?

Can you honestly say you have learned something meaningful about yourself?

These are the kind of things you need to think about. The last thing you want is to try to re-enter your relationship when your wounds have not healed.

Factor Five: What Caused The Breakup

If your ex cheated on you, then I am not an advocate of ending the No Contact Period early. Not unless all of the other Data Points are strongly and positively in place.

When weighing whether an exception should be made, one really needs to put a lot of weight on what caused the breakup.

Ask yourself, how severe and ugly was the ending of the relationship?

The more severe, the longer one should stay with No Contact. Breakups can be damaging and both parties need to time heal.

All breakups are going to hurt, no matter the degree of severity.

But it is usually easier to spring back from breakups if they did not cause considerable spite, anger, and hate.

Factor Six: Who Initiated The Breakup

The forces of “personal power” play a role during and after the relationship.

If you initiated the breakup, you have more personal power, at least on this matter.

But be careful with power.

It can go straight to your head in a matter of speaking, but you may not be thinking with the right side of your brain.

If you are feeling really cocky and confident about this new development of your ex reaching out to you, you may not be in the right place “emotionally” to properly gauge your situation.

Now, if your ex initiated the breakup and is now reaching out, you still need to weigh things carefully. On its surface, it may appear that the balance of personal power has swayed to your favor. Perhaps, your ex realizes they made a mistake.

Just tread carefully. In other words,

You Initiating The Breakup > Your Ex Initiating The Breakup

Factor Seven: How Many Positive Communications Did You Receive?

I saved the best and most important data point, for last! This is why I call it the Golden Factor.

What you should be looking for are multiple positive messages sent by your ex to you. One attempt to communicate, even if it’s made in the most positive way, is usually not enough, particularly if the other data points are not favorable.

When an ex reaches out to you and tells you something really nice and pleasant, that demonstrates good faith. If it is repeated, that shows the person probably really cares. If you receive a few more communications, that demonstrates a persistence.

As long as those messages sent to you have a positive energy, that bodes well for you.

Now if you get bombarded with negative message after negative message, to a point where it seems like your ex is obsessing….well, that is not a good thing.

If that happens, I would suggest you ignore those many obsessive contacts.

Positive contact can come in multiple forms.

It could be text messages. It could be emails. It could be phone messages. It could be old fashioned letters. It could be a message in a bottle. It could be a bouquet of flowers or a gift with a card.

Hell, it can even be on Facebook or Snapchat.

The main thing is that such messages need to number more than one.

They need to be positive, friendly and respectful. And they need to occur within a brief period of time (e.g. over a few days, perhaps over a week).

What if they show up at your door?

Don’t fall for it the first time around. Be nice and tell them you need more time. If this happens a few times and your ex conducted themselves respectfully, well, an exception may be in order.

Remember, I said it may be in order! You need to look at all of the data points and judge whether you wish to end your No Contact Period.
Is there any magic number of data points which have to be met, before you make an Exception?

Yes, and that leads me to my next point.

The Rule Of Four When Dealing With Breaking No Contact

Do you remember above when I mentioned that if I give people too much leeway they will take advantage of it and look for any excuse to break the no contact rule.

Well, that’s what the rule of four is meant for.

There are a total of seven factors that you need to look at if you are considering ending the no contact rule early. Well, what if I told you that you only needed four of those factors to break it.

It’s just that one of those factors has to be the “golden factor,”

The Golden Factor = Receiving Multiple Positive Communications From Your Ex

For example, let’s say that you have checked off every other factor except the golden one.

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

No, the golden factor is essential for breaking no contact early.

But what if you have the golden factor but you don’t get any of the other factors?

Can you break no contact?

No, obtaining three other factors is just as essential as obtaining the golden factor.

That’s the rule of four.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

6. Know When NOT To Use The No Contact Principle

when NOT to use the no contact rule

This is where things tend to get a bit more complicated. You see, in addition to understanding the rules for breaking the no contact rule early (which I am just going to tell you upfront is very rare) you will also need to understand that there are going to be certain situations that you may find yourself that will require you to alter the no contact rule.

(One of my comrades in arms, Brad Browning has written a pretty great resource on the no contact rule so I encourage you to check it out if you want additional help.)

Now, altering a no contact period is completely different than breaking it.

What’s the difference?

Altering No Contact = You are still technically under the no contact period you just might be playing with a slightly different set of rules.

Breaking No Contact = You should be advancing to the next phase of the strategy to get your ex back.

Now, there are actually a lot of different situations that may make you alter your no contact rule BUT I don’t have the time to list out each and every one of them.

Instead, I thought that it would be best if I just listed out the 6 most common alterations I see people having to make,

  • If Children Are Involved
  • If You Work With Them
  • If You Live With Them
  • If You Go To School With Them
  • If You Unexpectedly Run Into Them
  • The Item Exchange

Now, since this is Ex Boyfriend Recovery and we are committed to creating the best content in the world relating to exes we are going to go above and beyond for you by teaching you the alterations you are going to have to make for each of these situations.

Let’s start from the top.

1. The Alterations You Need To Make If Children Are Involved

This is always a difficult situation to alter because more often than not if you and your ex share a child you are going to be living together (which we will talk about next.)

So, rather than addressing what to do about the living situation let’s talk about what to do if you decide to use the no contact rule on your ex and they send you something like this,

child-text

Oh, and in case you couldn’t read between the lines “Carter” is your kid.

How do you deal with this?

Ok, here is my rule for when it comes to communicating about kids during no contact.

The Rule: You can break no contact to talk about the kids and that’s it. After you interaction about the kids is over you are going right back into no contact.

Pretty simple, right?

Well, things get a bit more complicated when you take into account that more often than not if you share a child with your ex you are probably living together.

How the hell are you supposed to handle no contact?

2. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Work With Your Ex

There are two words I want you to get very familiar with.

Strictly Business!

Now, it’s important to remember that the goal here isn’t to p*ss off your ex and that can definitely happen if you work together and completely ignore him. Instead, I don’t want you to initiate any conversations with him. Let him initiate all the conversations and if he does then keep the conversation short and sweet.

The only fly in the ointment, so to speak, is if your have to communicate due to a work related activity.

In that case make sure the scope of the conversation is STRICTLY BUSINESS!

In other words, if you are talking about something business related that is completely fine but if he veers off and starts talking about something “non business related” then I want you to subtly redirect him to talking about business.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

3. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Live With Your Ex

I am just going to be blunt with you.

The no contact rule is always going to be more effective if you aren’t living with your ex. That’s just the way it is and anyone who tells you anything differently is lying straight to your face.

BUT the no contact rule can still be effective if you live with the person so don’t go into a depression just yet.

It’s just that it isn’t going to be as effective.

So, what’s the rule regarding living with your ex?

The Rule: If it’s possible move out.

Now, the keyword that you want to look at there is “IF IT’S POSSIBLE.”

If moving out isn’t an option then don’t do it. Don’t worry, I have a specific strategy that you should employ but before I let you in on that I want to put my money where my mouth is.

Meet Jessica,

jessica

Jessica is someone who I personally worked with on Facebook.

I advised her to enter into a 21 day no contact period and also to move out of the house she was staying at with her ex boyfriend.

She did exactly what I said and when it was all said and done she had her ex chasing her and begging for her back. Oh, and he proposed.

This alteration produces results.

But let’s say that you can’t move out. Let’s say it’s not an option.

What do you do then?

Simple, you are going to act as cordial as possible when you do see your ex so they don’t think you are a d*ck but you NEVER want to start a conversation. Hmm…. perhaps this would work better as an example.

Ok, let’s pretend that you are dating me!

(I’m pretty awesome, I know!)

We are living together and you decide you want to utilize the no contact rule.

One day I come home from work (because in this example I am a high powered business man 😉 ) and I look pretty stressed. Every fiber of your being is going to want to ask me a simple question,

“Are you ok?”

Or

“How was your day?”

But you aren’t allowed to.

Why?

Because you are in the midst of a no contact rule.

Now let’s answer one of the most asked questions I get about this situation.

Let’s say that instead of me looking stressed and angry when I come home that particular day I look pretty happy and I even go as far as to ask you how your day was.

What do you do?

Most women make the mistake of thinking that they should ignore their exes at this point.

That’s a mistake because that will just create more animosity between the two of you and that’s the last thing we want. Instead, the best way to handle this situation is to engage me in a conversation but keep it short and sweet.

The idea is not to linger too long.

4. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Go To School With Your Ex

Out of all the alterations I talk about in this section this is probably the easiest one to grasp.

In fact, the alteration here pretty much boils down to two steps.

Step One: Avoid your ex

Step Two: If it’s impossible to avoid them then keep it short and sweet

So, let’s talk about these steps really quick.

I want you to avoid your ex at school at all costs. Yes, I realize some mumbo jumbo expert out there may disagree with me but believe me when I say that this is for your own good.

Why?

Well, because I have often found that people will look for any conceivable excuse to “bump into their exes.”

But let’s assume you are in a situation where “step one” is impossible.

Let’s say that you are in the exact same class as your ex and it’s pretty much impossible to avoid them. Well, in that case I want you to keep everything short and sweet.

What do I mean by that?

Well, for starters I don’t want you to start any conversations with your ex. However, let’s say that your ex starts a conversation with you (like my example above when you live with an ex.)

Well, keep everything short and sweet.

Engage them but don’t engage them fully.

Be nice but not too nice.

Short and sweet.

That’s the name of the game.

5. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Unexpectedly Run Into Your Ex Boyfriend

Imagine for a moment that you are walking down the street and all of a sudden you see your ex…

You panic…

You get that deer in the headlights look…

And you pull a “kramer,”

a-kramer

Now, do you think that is the proper way to utilize the no contact rule in this situation?

No…

Absolutely not.

Instead, the correct move here is to walk up to your ex, say hi and leave it at that.

Less is more…

Now, before we move on to the final alteration I do have one thing to say. DON’T GO LOOKING TO RUN INTO YOUR EX ON PURPOSE! If you do that and they catch on to what you are doing then without a doubt you are going to appear to be desperate and that is going to have the opposite effect of what you are supposed to do.

6. Alterations You Need To Make For An Item or Possessions Exchange With Your Ex

Ah, and here it is…

The ultimate no contact question that I get asked on pretty much a daily basis.

“Chris, am I allowed to break the no contact rule if my ex has items that I want back?”

 

“What about if my ex asks me for their things?”

Ok, let’s tackle the easy one first.

If your ex asks for their things back then you have to give them their stuff back. No if’s, ands or buts about it.Therefore, you are allowed to break the no contact rule but just in this one instance. After the items are exchanged then I want you to go right back into the no contact rule.

How do you handle the interaction when you are exchanging things?

Good question.

Generally you want it to be short and sweet.

This isn’t a time to linger and relive the worst or best parts of your relationship.

Get in, exchange items and get out.

Simple…

Now, lets tackle the more difficult question.

What if your ex has something of yours that you want back. How do you handle that?

Well, the first question I would ask you is how important is it to you?

If we are talking “toothbrush level” type stuff then I think you can live without it and should probably stay in the no contact rule.

But what if it’s something of grave importance to you?

Something like your mothers ashes… Well, then you have my permission to break the no contact rule to get them back.

Fun Fact: Did you ever see the Malcolm in The Middle episode where the babysitter is fighting with her ex over her mothers ashes (I did obviously 😉 .)

7. Understand These Four Important Concepts To Stay Disciplined

Stay disciplined by doing these things

Now that you have a pretty good idea of how the no contact rule works I want to move on to the next step.

There is a philosophy that I want you to adopt.

It’s called “Dating Yourself.”

In fact, I did a whole interview with a dating coach named Veronica Grant where she pretty much summed up “dating yourself” better than I ever could,

(In case you don’t have the patience to watch the entire interview here is her summarization of “dating yourself,”)

Dating yourself is kind of what it sounds like. Doing things for yourself that you would either want or expect your significant other to do for you. So, it can be things like buying yourself flowers, writing yourself a love note, taking a hot bubble bath, taking yourself out for a drink or for a nice dinner but really the deeper essence of it is making yourself feel how you want to feel on your relationship.

Now, I am absolutely in love with this idea, especially during the no contact rule.

Why?

Well, it kind of serves as a gauntlet for weeding out the people who aren’t serious about getting their exes back and simply want to move on. And that’s a great thing because usually half the battle is finding a way to get on the right path.

So, how does this “gauntlet effect” work?

1. The Gauntlet Effect

It’s hard to admit (because I was a young buck when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery) but I have been doing this for over half a decade. But most of the people who come to this website want one thing and one thing only,

They want to get their exes back.

And I feel I have certainly catered to those people a lot (Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO anyone?)

But sometimes a person comes to me with a horrifying story that makes me think,

“Hmm… maybe you shouldn’t get back with your ex.”

And being me, I usually verbalize my thoughts without thinking a lot of time.

Now, usually when I tell someone this they are very respectful and often times they agree with me. However, when it comes time for them to take specific actions revolving around getting over their ex they actually do the opposite.

Now, after five years of his happening to me I have finally wised up to what’s going on.

Nothing I say will convince a person otherwise and I have simply decided to let people go through their own process (because sometimes that’s what it takes for them to realize their ex is not the right fit for them.)

Ah, but that’s where “The Gauntlet Effect” comes into play.

By utilizing the “date yourself” philosophy during the no contact rule you are essentially putting yourself in a gauntlet to see if you are still interested in your ex by the end of the no contact rule.

Allow me to explain in more detail.

Let’s pretend that you are doing a 30 day no contact rule and you decide that on top of utilizing the “two prongs” that I talked about above you are going to also utilize the “date yourself” philosophy.

And while you are dating yourself you come to the realization that,

“Hmm… my ex never treated me as good as I am treating myself right now..”

And pretty soon this singular thought evolves into,

“I don’t think I want him back.”

Well, that’s the gauntlet effect in play right there. It essentially helps you determine what you really want going forward. Of course, if you come out the other end of the gauntlet and you still want your ex back then you absolutely positively have my permission to do everything in your power to get him back.

Of course, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves now.

WARNING: Most People Who Try The No Contact Rule End Up Failing It

I think I may have mentioned this before but it never hurts to re-iterate.

The odds aren’t in your favor to successfully make it through the no contact rule. In fact, I would say that the vast majority of people I have met have ultimately ended up failing at the no contact rule.

Now, what does that mean?

Well, usually that means that you decide to do a period of no contact and somewhere during that period you end up contacting your ex.

And it’s easy to understand why.

We live in a digital age where temptation is all around us.

I mean, think about it.

How tempting would it be to check your exes Facebook profile?

What about check and see the last time they logged into WhatsApp?

Of course, it’s my job to ensure that you don’t fail at the no contact rule so here’s what I have decided to do for you. I have put together a list of the very best ways that you can safely remove temptation. In other words, if you do the following things then your chances of successfully completing the no contact rule will drastically increase.

  • Getting A Friend To Hold The Number
  • Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time
  • Keeping A Journal
  • Unfollow On Facebook

Let’s talk a little about each of these initiatives.

2. Getting A Trusted Friend To Hold Onto Your Exes Number

Now, I am not going to lie to you.

This one is a bit flawed.

But more on that in a second. For now, let’s just grasp what this initiative is.

Essentially the way this works is that you write your exes number down on a piece of paper and then you erase that number from your phone. After that, you take the piece of paper to a trusted friend and tell them not to give it to you until your 21 – 45 days are up.

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“I get it and everything but what’s the flaw?

Well, let’s say that I am the trusted friend who you gave your exes number to. And let’s say that your ex contacts you at some point. It will probably still show up on your phone but just as a number you don’t recognize.

Nevertheless, I have seen this method work for a lot of women who have tried it so it isn’t without it’s merits.

3. Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time to Think About Him or Do Something You Will Regret

I am a big fan of this one.

Why?

Well, because IF you do the no contact rule the way that I am recommending you to do it then this is going to happen naturally.

Think about it…

The holy trinity…

Dating yourself…

These are things that are meant to keep you buys and most importantly keep your mind off of your ex which is a HUGE problem we are facing. So, the idea here is that you keep yourself so busy that you don’t even have time to contact your ex.

Now, I realize that it’s unrealistic of me to say,

“Ok, as long as you just make yourself busy you won’t ever have time to contact your ex.”

That’s not true.

If someone is motivated enough they will always find time.

But here is the point I want to hammer home for you.

As long as you couple this strategy with a few others you should be golden.

4. Keeping A Journal Can Make The Breakup Blues Go Away

I have to admit that I can’t take credit for this one. This is the brain child of my wife.

So, the way this works is that you go out and buy a journal. Now, the thing about this journal is that it’s only meant for the no contact rule. In other words, this is your no contact rule journal 😉 .

Ok, lame joke aside you are going to utilize this journal to write down your feelings during the no contact rule.

It’s a way to exercise how you are feeling and also a way to prevent yourself from contacting your ex.

Now, let’s say you are going along down the no contact rule and all of a sudden you get this urge to contact your ex. It’s overwhelming and your fingers are literally on the phone typing in their name.

Well, instead of doing that you are going to pull out your journal and write down how you are feeling.

Write down what you want to write…

Write down how angry and upset you are…

Get it all out.

Get it all out until you don’t feel the urge to contact them anymore.

Unfollow Your Ex On Facebook

Notice how I said “unfollow” and not “unfriend”

Believe it or not there is a difference between the two.

Unfollow:

unfollow

Basically by unfollowing your ex they won’t show up in your feed anymore. Now, if you want more details on why I recommend not to fully unfriend your ex then I recommend going here.

So, that’s going to do it for my epic guide on the no contact rule?

What do you think?

Are you confused about anything?

Do you need help with anything?

We would love to hear from you in the comments below!

6,641 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

  1. Avatar

    Amber lee

    March 22, 2020 at 6:27 pm

    Hello me and my ex been together for 5 years, we recently just broke up like 3 days ago, we had a good relationship but I will be honest I did not trust him due to our past and the things he’s done in the past, I felt it was hard to let go of the past so I finally ended things, & now I’m kind of regretting it he has blocked my number & now I feel I’m the bad person and I was the one who was in the wrong, I did blow his phone up the day of the break up and the day after and he blocked me right after , so I am currently on day 2 of NC I haven’t not tried to reach out to see if I’m unblocked ! My question is do you think doing this NC I will have a good chance at getting him back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 23, 2020 at 11:11 pm

      Hi Amber, do not reach out just stick to your NC until you get to complete that part of the process with out having to re start

  2. Avatar

    Sharma

    March 14, 2020 at 3:23 pm

    Hey chris.
    Md nd my ex broke up yesterday.we were in off/on again relation for 6 months..though we both equally loved each other but the fact was his past relationship before me was a successful one but mine on the other hand was a horrible one..do I could never give him my 100 percent.. though I extremely loved him still I doubt I used to doubt him alot..I hide my real past experience from him as those were really horrible that I never wanted to remember them.one day i told him the truth by being honest and by explaining him that it’s not my fault my past pain have made me like this that’s why i always fight with him on little things because I feared that he too will hurt me..but he didnt trust my story and said that I hurted him by lying to him..it took dangerous turn..he started making me feel.guilty nd abusing me..he said he never wants to get back with me .I begged and gave proofs nut all went in vain..he decided to breakup with me..nd asked me to find someone else..what should I do now is it really over??

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 23, 2020 at 11:51 pm

      Hi Sharma, so as your relationship is on and off again I would say that it is likely that you will get back together. But what you want to achieve is a relationship that is going to last. Make sure that you work on yourself and your flaws in a relationship and stick to a no contact of at least 30 days. Then reach out and follow the value chain so that you can give you and your ex time to improve on yourselves to make the relationship if you are going to get back together again

  3. Avatar

    Working on NC

    March 12, 2020 at 6:06 pm

    Hi Chris,

    So far the NC rule has been going pretty well for me. My ex hasn’t contacted me but I’ve been feeling a lot better. A few days ago I viewed my ex’s facebook story. I was wondering if this broke the NC rule (since my ex can see that I saw it) and if I need to start over again. Thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 12, 2020 at 11:21 pm

      Hey there so was the view by accident or on purpose? If you viewed just the one then you can continue, but do not watch any more going forward

  4. Avatar

    Lucy Holbrook

    March 11, 2020 at 4:04 pm

    Hi,

    My husband and I have been arguing on and off With issues we’ve had for many years. We have been together 13 years. On Monday he told me he needed a break and was going to stay with his mum. He said he couldn’t make me any promises and he didn’t know if he was coming back. He needed space and it was making him ill to stay so he needed to get better on his own to get his head straight. I have been left devastated, I never thought he would actually leave and I’m so scared that he’s not coming back. We have four children between us, one of those being both of ours. On Tuesday I told him that i wouldn’t contact him until Friday as it was killing me checking my phone all the time to see if he was in contact and it would also mean I would give him some space (this was before I’d read about the no contact rule). It’s Wednesday today and he text to say that he hoped I was ok and he was going to call and get some clothes- which I already knew he was going to do, I wondered if he was just checking I wouldn’t be there… I have been at my mums house during the day as I am off work with crippling anxiety right now. Therefore I just ignored the text as I knew I wouldn’t be there to bump into him. He has a very high powered job with little respite, we both lead incredibly busy and stressful lives. I feel that he may be depressed for numerous reasons not just us but he doesn’t see that. He says he loves me so much but he can’t live like that. I don’t know what I’m going to do if he doesn’t come back to us but I know that I don’t stand a chance if I don’t give him the space he wants. Any advice to keep me going would be great. Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 24, 2020 at 12:08 am

      Hi Lucy, I think it is key that you stick to a limited no contact where you allow your husband space but in the mean time work on your holy trinity and seek help from a couples therapist if you can. At this time of course look for one who is willing to work online with you both. If he is willing to speak with a therapist it makes it easier to understand what you both want from the marriage and what you feel is missing

  5. Avatar

    Nameless

    March 9, 2020 at 12:38 am

    What do you do if you are separated and you have agreed on a separation timeline that is longer than the 66 days to figure out if you want to stay together? What does this mean in terms of the 66 day statistic? How do you implement no contact in that situation?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 10, 2020 at 10:31 pm

      Hey there, so if you are following the ERP process then you would reach out after 30 days of no contact, or 45 if you feel you need you longer. And then reach out with a text that Chris suggests to get him having a short and positive conversation

  6. Avatar

    Beth

    March 5, 2020 at 6:16 am

    Hi there,
    My ex and I have been dating since 2017. We lived together before and broke up. After that, I dated another guy for around 6 months but it didn’t work since I still talked and went out with my ex. Therefore I went back to my ex. I feel like it’s time to think about the next step and I want him to propose.
    He said he wanted to marry me but there was no action. I broke up with him again and told him he should only contact me until he’s ready to settle down. I wonder if NC will work in my situation.
    Thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 12, 2020 at 12:48 pm

      Hi Beth so no contact is going to work to make him see that you are serious about the relationship being over. As for getting him to propose you need to learn how to increase your value from him. This would mean that you need to work on the Ungettable girl information so that you can influence your exes feelings that he needs to commit to you before someone else is willing to do so

  7. Avatar

    Michaela

    March 3, 2020 at 7:06 pm

    Hi,
    He broke up with me 3 months ago, we were in a (really good and respectful) relationship for 6 years. I’ve been accepting his calls and messages but now had enough of it (especially since he told me that he found someone new quite quickly after the breakup and that I should respect that he already moved on) and started NC 2 weeks ago. Now today he called me 5 times, texted me he was very worried about me, then called me again while he saw that I was online on WhatsApp (which I didn’t answer) and then texted me that he now knows that I was doing it on purpose, that he hoped we could stay in touch and take care of each other, but it doesn’t look like it, that he has nothing to say then and would respect my decision. Not sure if I should stay in NC or brake NC, as I’m afraid to lose him completely after this. But I also don’t get the crazy behavior he put in place with calling me so many times (incl. anonymous numbers)… quite confused at the moment..

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 15, 2020 at 9:56 pm

      Hey Michaela, so you need to stick to your No Contact and make sure that it is at least 45 days of NC as he has met someone new. He should not and does not get to choose when he speaks to you! He ended the relationship so let him have a taste of what life is like with out you in it

  8. Avatar

    sara

    March 2, 2020 at 9:51 am

    Hi, 10 months ago we met on social media and things were great. He invested on me, gifted me. He was usually the one to reach out. He didn’t propose but he made me feel so good and most wanted girl. To him I was 1/1000000. One day I said smth jokingly and he got infuriated and we ran into a bad argument and he got disappointed after seeing my emotional side And in that argument I confessed my feelings to him but in that heated stage, he turned 180 degrees and told that he just wanted to help me. Long story short, he blocked me from everywhere. I apologized but he didn’t listen. After a month he unblocked me and said that he wants to give me another chance but he also wanted me to never bring up the topic of love or commitment. He just wanted me to be there. But this didn’t go well and we again ran into a VERY bad argument, and this time I was silent. He said some harsh words to whihc I just responded calmly and told him that I cannot take this humiliation. Turns out he still wasn’t willing to let me go. But I went NC for 2 weeks. After 2 weeks I followed him back. and started liking his posts etc. THere was no response from him. I then went on complete NC and started working so hard on my self. This grabbed his attention and he stalked my stories after 2 weeks. Then after a few days he again stalked and then messageed me long respectful general messages to help me in my business the way he always did. I responded short and sweet. and went back to NC. Now it’s been 30 days of NC including a short converstation I had in the middle. I am confused should I take it to 45 days? He hasn’t reached out to me yet after that. I am on my social media game full time and I have recovered and I am healed. More so,I am working on so many new things and all is there on my social media. Should I wait for him to talk to me or should I reach out?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 12, 2020 at 9:58 pm

      Hi Sara, so from the sounds of things your ex just does not want to have a committed relationship. So if you want a long term relationship this may not be the person to get that from. Unless you work the Ungettable girl information and he starts to realise that you are the best he is going to get

  9. Avatar

    Mary

    March 1, 2020 at 1:53 am

    Hi Shaunna,

    My boyfriend of just over 1 year has broken up with me last night, he said he wanted a break. He needed space and time to focus on himself and his job. (He got promoted 2 months ago).
    He said he hasn’t been happy the past few weeks, and he realised this when last week i’ve been away during 1 week family holiday. He says we have similar interest and stuff in common but he doesn’t feel the deep connection to me any longer. He’s attracted to me and i’m one of the best sexual partner he’s ever been with. When I ask if there was someone else, he says ‘no’. I believed him- he’s a very honest and straight forward thinking guy. I ask if he really loved me. he also says ‘Yes’ but he’s not sure what’s his current feelings towards me are now.

    We met through a dating app and we fast become very comfortable in each others presence. During the 1 year we were together we were very happy, and never had a fight. we both got along with each other’s friends and family.
    We’re both in our 30’s with me being 2 years older than him. We were always teasing each other, and had loads of fun together. He’s always been the one who initiated everything first, from him wanting to meet his family, friends and to saying ‘I love you’ about 7-8 weeks into your relationship. We went steady 6 weeks in, and we both got rid of all our dating apps.

    I understood the past 2 months he’s been busy at work, because of his recent promotion, his hours are Monday to Friday 2-11.30pm and he dabble on his side hustle on the weekend. But I always gave him the space and freedom when he ask for it. I was never the type of girlfriend that constantly text him everyday.
    But perhaps I did had the inkling feeling when he sometimes took longer than usual to get back to my text, i felt a bit of insecurity. The past few weeks when I was with him- I feel like his mind is wandering off.
    Going through my text with him, there was also a text from 3 months ago out of no where he text me ‘Are you a little pissed of with me? Because you’ve seem frustrated, but I understand if you are. I’m very goals and personal driven and sometime this means you come second’. We didn’t fight, I even encourage him to focus on work and this is a attractive trait and one of the reasons I love him. all seem fine after that, and i was careful not to overload of weekend plans.

    Which came as a surprise when he ask for a break. When I ask if this was a breakup- he didn’t give a straight answer. When I ask can we still text- he said of corse. I felt blindsided, especially when never even had a chance to fight and he just broke things off. He says if he stay in this relationship, he’ll end up hurting me more.
    When I agree and left crying, he was sad too and I can see that he felt guilty for cause me pain. Aew hours after we broken up and I left his place, he sent me a text ‘hope your doing ok’ I haven’t replied.

    Where should I go from here?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 9, 2020 at 8:17 pm

      Hi Mary, so I wouldn’t have replied to that text either! I would have just go into a No Contact for 30 days minimum. Read the articles about being Ungettable and focusing on yourself for the 30 days and then reach out with a text that Chris suggests

  10. Avatar

    Annika

    February 29, 2020 at 10:39 am

    Hi Chris and Shaunna,

    I need your help. 3 weeks ago my partner (m29) broke up with me (f28). We had been and living together for nearly two years. We met and fell in love in Australia, but we’re both originally from Germany. Our relationship was amazing. He’s caring, sweet, affectionate, smart, beautiful. I could go on all day. We barely fought. But there was times he was too much in his head. He feels lost in life. He doesn’t have direction and he feels like he’s always relied on other people too much. He basically decided a few months ago that once we were back in Germany, he needed to get his shit together. Alone. So instead of booking flights back to Germany together, he broke up with me. He said he was doubting his feelings for me (said maybe he never had any?), he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship and he needed to sort out this mess that was his life without having me, who always takes care of everything. He was also bothered by me being jealous occasionally and worried about me not liking his hometown due to running into his ex girlfriends. He was afraid it would be too much for me to handle.

    Even though we broke up, we stayed together for the past 3 weeks as it was our last 3 weeks in Australia. We were the most important people for each other there and we weren’t ready to let go. Nevertheless, I’m pretty sure he’s on Tinder and actively looking for hookups (probably for an ego boost?).

    Two days ago, finally, it was time to say goodbye. We had a hotel for the last night in Australia together and then said goodbye at the airport. Basically the past 48 hours before going seperate ways we both spend in tears. All we could do was hold each other and we both kept breaking down sobbing. I think for the first time it really hit him how much I meant to him and how hard it is to lose me. He was a complete mess, just like me. Although he made a comment about only being said because he’s making me sad, but I felt like it was more than that. I hope he realised it was more than that.

    I’m obviously heartbroken. This was the saddest day of my life. I couldn’t stop crying. We continued to text until I got on the plane (I did beg and I was a mess). He asked me to let him know once I land safely. I didn’t text him anymore since that, so we have 48 hours of radio silence. He’s somewhere partying for the next few days and I’m sitting on a plane. Alone.

    Thinking of going strict no contact, I need to get my distance from him and move on. At the same time we said we would check in with each other in a few weeks to see how we feel. I don’t know if he only said that to make me feel better

    I desperately want to get back together. We had an amazing relationship and an even better time and connection. He freaked out, I get that. I also get he needs to sort his life out without always relying on me.

    But what can I do? This breakup is killing me… We now live 4 hours apart and all I want is for him to come to his senses and come back.
    I know no contact is supposed to help you get over your ex, but is there a chance he will come back if I go strict NC?
    Also, moving back to Germany means he will be busy catching up with friends and family (partying etc). Will he even notice I’m not initiating contact? Maybe he’ll just forget about me considering he’ll be so busy with his new/old environment.

    Any tips would be greatly appreciated!! Is there anything besides NC I can do to try and remind him of his feelings for me?

    Also he might reach out for some help with paperwork. Should I ignore that as well?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 12, 2020 at 11:10 pm

      Hi Annika, it is difficult to accept that No Contact is the option and it goes against our natural instincts to beg and plead. But yes you do need to give it a No Contact, and if he does not reach out to you before you wait until you reach 30 days and use one of Chris texts

  11. Avatar

    Andrea

    February 28, 2020 at 2:21 pm

    Me and my ex had been together for 4 years with so many ups and downs. He started to drift off from committing into relationship since he started his big career. But this didn’t stop me from showing my love and affections and supports for him. Although he messed up many times but I always forgive him because I know I can’t be mad at him forever. But 2 weeks ago, we finally came into a breakup. He initiated it because he claimed he don’t love me the same anymore (it made me so sad because I’ve been always there for him without counting in his mistakes and his rejections on spending time with me). He said he wanted to be alone this time and just spend his life happily with friends. I did try to convince him a couple of days. But he stood strong on his decision and I had no choice other than agreeing (although my heart isn’t ready for this). It made me question is it real when he said he really don’t feel any presence of love when I actually showed my feelings and love for him. When we have spent 4 years together since he was a total zero person until he is successful today? I encountered this site and I thought can No Contact Rule help me to get him back? No doubt that I do really love and care for him no matter how hard things are between us. I just can’t believe it that he easily give up on me. 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 6, 2020 at 10:44 pm

      Hey there Andrea, so it is hard when you have supported someone and then they make you feel that they gave up easily. But yes you need to go into a No Contact and I would make sure that you focus on yourself and work the Ungettable information as best you can so that when you start the texting phase with your ex he is going to be blown away by how well you are doing with out him in your life and how you are happy even though he walked away from the relationship. Remember that you can not be too available to him!

  12. Avatar

    Elia

    February 27, 2020 at 10:22 am

    Hi there, my ex and I were together for 1,5 years. We lived together the last 8 months of our relationship because I had some moving issues and didn’t have a place to live. We were deeply in love and I have never loved someone this much but we have gone through lots of fights lately. The day I moved into my own place she wanted space and we had a fight again. A week later she said she didn’t think the relationship could offer her what she needs. She felt that there was too much responsibillity on her end both practically and emotionally. I told her I believe things can be different now that I have my own place etc. and would fight for her/us. She told me she was still in love with me and would like a week to think. I was scared that if she wouldn’t let me try now she would distance herself emotionally and convince herself that she should go on alone.
    I still gave her space and she kept on contacting me everyday. A week later again she told me she didn’t feel she has the energy now for it. I told her I wanted a chance to fight for us. We then ended up agreeing on seeing each other once a week and going back to our dating phase. I kept on giving her space and she initiated contact everyday. I didn’t get to see her during this week and then when we did meet up she told me she’s sure she can’t be in a relationship with me anymore and she just wants to stay friends. She said she feels an emotional distance (which I knew she would create) and does’t want to open up again only to be dissapointed again. She believes that we can’t change or that there’s hope for us now. I truly believe I can fulfill her needs but she told me I can still give her those things but in a platonic way only. She told me she felt a lot of pain but that this was the best way to do it. I want to do NC for myself to heal but I also hope that if we both heal we can get back into contact and maybe she will feel different about us. I want to take the NC time but I’m scared of her emotionally distancing herself further. I also owe her some money and want to let her know I will pay her back but don’t want to break NC. She told me she wanted to call or text next week and I feel bad for ignoring her. I’m not sure what to do…

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 12, 2020 at 10:34 pm

      Hey Elia so when you need to speak to your ex about money owed that is allowed but as long as you stick to the limited no contact where you only speak of that and nothing else or even get emotional in any way that is fine. Other than those shared responsibilities you do not speak, for the 30 days.

  13. Avatar

    Shannon

    February 24, 2020 at 11:40 am

    My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago and I’ve been in NC for 2 weeks. We were together for 8months and we were nothing but loving and happy together, best friends and always showed affection/appreciation up until the day he broke up with me. I’ve been blindsided and devastated. His reasons were nothing to do with me specifically, he said I ‘ticked all the boxes’ and he cried a lot. Is he sparing my feelings or should I have hope after 30days NC? Is 21 days OK too?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 27, 2020 at 10:39 pm

      Hi Shannon you need to complete a 30 day no contact

  14. Avatar

    Layla

    February 21, 2020 at 9:52 pm

    Hello, Hope this reply finds you well

    So my ex broke up with me, and it was really hard for me to move on, but I did, and I did the no contact rule
    well.. I tried talking to him after 1 month, I didn’t really feel like proceeding, so I stopped texting him

    I haven’t been in contact with him for 6 months, then I talked to him again thinking that I already moved on
    Well, I didn’t have any intentions of going back together, however, I found myself really into him again.

    Things were fine, we talked.. it was fun
    I hang out with him and went to cinemas, all was fun, he called me some other day and we talked

    But then he somehow started to.. ignore my texts? he takes a really long time to respond and he does not respond like how he used to. So I stopped texting him, waiting for him to text me first, but that did not happen. I thought maybe he is waiting for me to text him? I did, well, he replied, but not as expected, second message, he read but ignored

    So I don’t know what I am supposed to do now. He looked like he was into me, though
    So Im not sure if I did something wrong, and if I did, I dont know how I can fix it

    Thank you in advance

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 22, 2020 at 10:02 pm

      Hi Layla by the sounds of things you are too available to him, so give him some space and allow him to reach out to you first a few times, and make sure that you end conversations first EVERY TIME

  15. Avatar

    Tereza

    February 18, 2020 at 6:46 pm

    Dear Chris and Shauna,

    My boyfriend and I were together for over a year and were very much in love but I broke it off three months ago because he has an avoidant attachment style that was causing me a lot of anguish. He has never said a mean or angry word to me ever but he would withdraw emotionally after we were particularly emotionally or physically, leaving me in a constant state of insecurity. I am not normally a needy person and at no point started acting desperate or chasing, but I did cry on a couple of occasions when feeling upset about the situation. We live in separate cities about two hours apart. When I ended it, he asked if I still wanted him in my life and I assured him that I did. We’ve continued to speak by phone and messages every day since then and I have kept it light and no-drama, but I feel him slipping away more and more and it’s quite painful to me. I feel I need a period of no contact in order to work on myself but I don’t understand if I should tell him that I need a break from communication or if I should just abruptly stop communicating with him. As we’ve been “friends” for three months and he’s done nothing wrong, it feels quite cruel and unreasonable to just stop contact without saying anything about needing space or time to myself. I would think the other person was passive-aggressive and totally undesirable if they did this to me without warning. So, is the idea that this only works if you break off contact without warning? The rest seems quite clear to me but this one aspect is ambiguous to me. Many thanks for your help and for the help you so generously give to the many people who are struggling following a break up.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 27, 2020 at 9:30 pm

      Hi Tereza, so the idea is that you stop replying or reaching out to your ex so that they feel that you are taking the break up seriously and taking the space. Allowing them to miss you and fear that they have lost you. They are not going to like the fact that you took their freedom to speak to you when they wanted away – this is where you get an angry or upset reaction. However when you reach out the Ungettable version of yourself they are going to be happy to hear from you and want to talk to you again giving you the clean slate to start rebuilding attraction.

      Not following a No Contact rule and keeping in touch with your ex on a regular basis you help your ex get over the break up and you by being friendly and allowing that fix of speaking to you when they want to feel better.

  16. Avatar

    Shay

    February 13, 2020 at 10:23 pm

    I’ve read through all of the blogs; all of the comments & answers; so here goes our issue:
    we have been together for 10 years/ engaged now for 3 (he also has a daughter who i have raised as my own) –
    I have been very successful; own my own home, have a great job, paid off my car- he has always struggled with bills/ has a pay check to pay check job.
    In deciding to move to our new home; it basically sent him into a spiral of self doubt, and depression because nothing was still in his name.
    He wrote me a heart felt letter about how he needs a break to figure what he is doing with his life. He feels like he should be more financially stable, further along in his career, & be more of a provider. He feels he is unable to grow with me because I have always taken care of everything, and he doesn’t have any motivation- he is currently staying with a friend. And is actively taking steps to better himself.
    With that said we have had issues in the past where he has cheated/ no been completely faithful – but i always seem to forgive & let him come back with little consequences.
    I have taken this “break” very hard even though he continues to say it has nothing to do with me/ he loves me/ knows what he have is good-
    My question is now that i have poured my heart out do i try to do the no contact rule – to work on both of our issues// or tell him to come and get the rest of his stuff & force more of a shock to him.
    Thank you for listening & hopefully helping!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 21, 2020 at 11:23 pm

      Hi Shay, so I think his ego is coming into play here where you are stable and secure financially it sounds as if you living together he is going to be reliant on you rather than him being the main provider. Sadly that affects many male egos. I think if he wants to improve himself career and financially then it is going to have to be him to do it you can not make him. As you stated he has not shown motivation at this point. I do suggest you keep working on you and focus on getting over the break up so to be happy again!

  17. Avatar

    Barbara Derby

    February 11, 2020 at 6:03 pm

    Is it too late to start NC after 6 months of being just friends?
    Also should you tell someone you’re doing NC or just go cold turkey (when you’ve said you wouldn’t go that)? And if so how do you tell them

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 12, 2020 at 9:47 pm

      Hey Barbara, so you are supposed to just go into silence and not reply to any messages you may get from your ex. Even though you told them that you would not do this, it is part of following this program and many others to complete a period of No contact when you want an ex back. Assure that you read all the information you can regarding your situation while doing no contact

  18. Avatar

    Bella

    February 4, 2020 at 3:04 pm

    Hi,
    My ex and I started talking sometime in December after I did the no contact rule. He initiated the breakup and when we started talking he told me how much he missed me and he’s sorry.Anyways,anytime I don’t reply him fast or I ignore him he tends to call lots of times or feel like he offended me. So I struck a deal on the 25th of January that we shouldn’t talk till we see(We’re going on a trip together by the end of this month) and whoever text first gives a certain amount of money lol. I did that because I didn’t want to get too attached and I needed some space to think about how exactly I feel about him. So both of us haven’t reached out to the other and I really miss him. Do you think he feels the same way? I’m keeping to the no contact deal I struck although I’m tempted to text. Hope to get your reply,xx

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 8, 2020 at 7:51 pm

      Hey Bella so the fact you told him not to contact you until the 25th defeats the point of No contact, but if you want to get him back I do suggest you work on the Ungettable work and then start texting phase to start reattracting him

  19. Avatar

    Crystal Ryan

    February 4, 2020 at 3:33 am

    I left my ex boyfriend house yesterday and I would like to start the no contact rule but I’m currently pregnant and my ex wants to help me move into an apartment sometime soon when he gets the money.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 4, 2020 at 9:56 pm

      When you share a child with an ex you can do something called limited no contact

  20. Avatar

    Maria

    January 31, 2020 at 8:38 pm

    Hi Shauna,
    My ex broke up with me two months ago. We were in a long distance relationship for a year and 2 months. Everything was fine until he started uni again. He got really stressed because it was a hard year (his last year). Also he was.having trouble with money and so did I , which is not good for LDR. He broke up with me saying he couldn’t do it anymore, that he was not happy with the situation, it brought him too much anxiety, but that I was the best person he’s ever met, his best friend and that he loved me. He said he didn’t want to break up with me but that he didn’t see us moving closer to each other in the near future, so he thought it was too hard.
    He’s had a history of depression. Also, we live in different continents, and he does not want to move to my country (he said he didn’t like it when he visited and that it was too far away from his parents. He said he didn’t want to leave them because they’re getting old). But the thing is I can’t move yet because I’m not done with university.
    I was willing to try anyway because I loved him and we were so compatible and great together. He was willing too, and then he slowly started seeing everything black and ended up breaking up with me. While he was drifting away he started not giving me attention, and then he regretted it by apologising and saying I deserved more because I was great and sweet and just the best but that he couldn’t find it in him to be the man I needed.
    He kept saying he wanted me to be happy above all else, and they I will find a man to be happy with that was better than him. I said I wanted him to be that man, and he said he wanted that too, but he couldn’t see it happening in the near future as the situation was so complicated (short on money, different continents, me stuck in my country due to my degree and him not wanting to move too far away from his parents).
    It’s been two months since we broke up and he hasn’t contacted me at all. I haven’t either, except for one time when I messaged him to tell him I was going to block him on Facebook because seeing him active hurt too much. He said he understood and that he wanted me to be happy so I ought to do whatever I needed to achieve that. He said he was sorry for not being able to commit to the relationship as much as I did, because I really deserve that.
    I can’t seem to forget him. He’s great, truly, and we work amazing as a couple. I’ve never been so happy, comfortable and fulfilled in my entire life. He was my best friend, lover, partner, and we could do just about anything and have lots of fun always.
    What should I do? Please help, I can’t afford the ebooks 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 4, 2020 at 10:20 pm

      Hey Maria, so you start with a No contact and work on yourself during that time, make sure you read the information on this website if you are wanting more information. Learn about the term Ungettable and learn about the texting phase using the articles and videos

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