Welcome to the ultimate Guide in understanding how to use the No Contact Rule after a breakup.

In short, the No Contact Rule is about shutting down communications with an ex for a certain period of time such that you create space for each other allowing for healing, self recovery, and an opportunity for both of you to potentially come back together as a couple.

In some circles, this all encompassing strategy is also referred to as implementing Radio Silence with your ex boyfriend.

I guess we could also call it shutting down all communications or going quiet.

I suppose we could even describe it as giving your ex the silent treatment.  Or if we take it a step further,  the No Contact Rule could also be described as refusing to talk and communicate with your boyfriend on every level for the sake of your own recovery and eventually getting him back.

Guess what we are going to do!

We are going to dig into this much talked about, but poorly understood concept.  I consider it one of the most effective rules you will need to embrace during the Post Breakup Period.

And I want to be very clear about something:

This isn’t some lame “does the no contact rule work?” post that I just slapped together in fifteen minutes.

It is so much more than that!

What Is The No Contact Rule Really All About?

People want to know if this non communication strategy really works.

Will it work for me” is the most frequent question men and women have about using Radio Silence as a breakup strategy. People expect to learn what it is, what it can do for them, and how and why it works.

People want to know “what should I do if I break the no contact rule?

Many who hear about it’s usefulness in helping get an boyfriend back often are curious about why it is so effective and how long it will take to work.  Clients will ask me, “my boyfriend is really stubborn.  Are you sure the no contact rule work on him?”

I get men and women everyday confessing to me that they didn’t implement the Radio Silence Treatment correctly.  They will tell me they broke off Radio Silence early.  They want to know if by breaking no contact, did they screw up and will they still get him back.  They will ask if they should start it all over again.

So as you can see, there are just so many questions.  I think you deserve answers because how else can you optimize your chances of getting him back, right?

Well, you have come to the right place, my friend!

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Does Ignoring Your Ex Really Work?

With this Guide you’re going to learn everything that I’ve discovered from my 6+ years of working with clients who’ve used the no contact rule to success after a breakup.

So, if you’re looking to utilize this break up recovery strategy and are hoping that it will help you get through this difficult time, then you’re going to need a comprehensive and instructive Guide.

I am going to give you that and much more.  But first, let’s explore the big picture of how this NC rule can make a huge difference in bettering your chances of getting your ex coming back and opening up.

This next section of my Guide will offer you 10 Novel Reasons Why Ignoring Your Ex Can Work To Your Adva so well in helping you get your ex boyfriend back a whole lot faster than you would imagine.  If you think its all over and your ex boyfriend will never want to see and speak to you again, well guess what?

You have a secret ex recovery weapon!

10 Intriguing Benefits of Not Talking To Your Ex Anymore

1. Stop The Bleeding Caused By the Break Up.

It hurts like hell when your ex boyfriend breaks up with you.  Heck, it’s painful as heck even if you initiate the break up.  However it all went down, chances are you and your boyfriend’s nerves are shot,  that emotions are on edge, and if there isn’t some relief soon, what is left of the relationship is going to implode.  So Radio Silence is like a circuit breaker.  You are kicking off the communications and creating some space so you and your boyfriend can breathe on your own again.

2.  Implementing Radio Silence Helps Your Ex Boyfriend Experience Some Healing.

If you want to optimize your chances over the long run, you need to separate from your ex boyfriend in the short run for a lot of reasons, least of which is your ex boyfriend needs to get better.  He might be acting like an angry bully or may be undergoing serious emotional difficulties.  Depression may be setting in.  His inability to cope with these new emotions makes him unapproachable.  And if you try to reach out to your ex during this emotional packed time, do so at your own risk!  So allow him some time to navigate through his stages of grief.

3.  Hey, What About Your Own Healing After a Break Up?

That’s right.  You too need to get your emotions centered, so healing is a two way street.  Neither of your are going to be of much good to the other during most stages of the post break up period.  You might agree to go your separate ways amicably, but later those feelings of rejection, resentment, anger and all the rest are going to descend upon you.  Getting through all that will take you some time.

4. The No Contact Rule Allows You To Reset The Relationship After The Breakup

Somewhere along the way, you and your boyfriend blew up the relationship. There can be tons of reasons for that.  By using Radio Silence right after the break-up, you are in effect resetting the Breakup Clock.  The old relationship is dead.  Now you are in the post break up period.  The idea though is to work through this period to do a lot of things that will allow you to reset the Relationship and hopefully come at it in a better way, armed with greater knowledge and insights.

5. Ignoring Your Ex Allows You To Create Attraction

When you buy my eBooks, you learn all about how to maximize the No Contact Period such that you are doing things not just for your own self recovery (healing), but also taking many steps to rebuild attraction and plant seeds of arousal.

6. Rolling Out Your NC Strategy Allows You To Create a Self Recovery Plan

There are two sides to the after breakup period.  Like two sides of a coin. There is the part where you do things to optimize your chances to win your ex boyfriend back.  Then there are things that you do for yourself to get better in all aspects of your life.  I refer to this as optimizing your Holy Trinity of improving your health, wealth, and relationships.  And the wonderful thing about it is by doing this for yourself, you give yourself protection in the event you never get your ex boyfriend back.  You will have so much more balance and perspective about your place in life.  And interestingly, this side of the coin (self recovery) helps you with the other side of the coin (creating attraction and interest from your ex boyfriend).

7. Going Silent With Your Ex Boyfriend Gives You Time To Rebuild Your Confidence

There is not much worse than feeling discarded and rejected and disappointed by your ex boyfriend, over and over again.  It can take its toll in your personal confidence department.  So use this time of Radio Silence wisely, and focus on things that will rebuild your confidence and sense of self value.  Remember, it is ultimately your ex boyfriend’s loss if he can’t find his way back to you.  That is not on you.  You will execute your plan and he will have his opportunities, but whatever happens, you can hold your head up high and walk with confidence.

8. Using the No Contact Rule Helps You With Enhancing Your Value

One of the things I talk about in all my Ebooks is the importance of striving to become the Ungettable Girl.  This is where you focus on not just becoming the best version of yourself, but you seek to be everything your ex boyfriend may have imagined as his dream girlfriend, except he can’t quite have you right now.  That is the place you want to arrive and there are many tactics you can draw upon to get there.

9. By Ending Contact With Your Ex Boyfriend It Open Your Eyes To Other Paths and Alternatives

Right now you are probably thinking of your ex boyfriend with great intensity.  It might be fair to say your are obsessed with thoughts about him and what he did and why it didn’t work out and how you can get him back just as quickly as possible.  But some of my clients, once they have gone through the entire No Contact Rule period, will come out the other side with an entirely different perspective of what they want.  And it may not be their ex boyfriend that they want to return to.  It may be something new you will want.  You may come to appreciate that your ex boyfriend’s spell over you has ended and he is not what you need after all.

10.  Once You Pick Up One Of My Ebooks and Start In On Ending Communications With Your Ex, You Will Learn About Psychological Reactance.

Don’t you just love fancy scientific sounding words!  Well, this one actually works.  Indeed, just the fact that you are shutting down communications with your ex boyfriend plays well with this psychological principle.  In short, it goes like this.  Your boyfriend is not use to not getting what he wants.  The more your deprive him of contact, the greater his desire will be to regain that which he lost.

How To Get Your Ex Back With The No Contact Rule

Get your ex back with no contact

Now it’s time to dig in deeper into the subject of using Radio Silence on your ex boyfriend. If you want to use the no contact rule to get your ex back then there are really seven key things that you need to grasp.  They include:

  1. Understand how this Radio Silence Principle Works!
  2. Figure out how long you should make use of this strategy of not contacting your ex boyfriend
  3. Implement this Non Communication Strategy by harnessing a two pronged approach
  4. Embark on “The Holy Trinity” during this period of avoiding your ex
  5. Understand the cases where you can break the No Contact Period early
  6. Know when NOT to use Radio Silence with your boyfriend
  7. Understand how these  important concepts link together and why staying disciplined is important

The end…

No, I’m just kidding.

Buckle up because this is going to be one heck of a ride teaching you everything you need to know to be a success.

1. Understand How Refusing To Communicate With Your Ex Can Work Wonders

Understand what the no contact rule is.

If you are familiar with my work on Ex Boyfriend Recovery then you would know that I often like to compare getting an ex back to a puzzle.

It just so happens that the no contact rule is the largest piece of that puzzle.

What do you see?

puzzle-graphic
It’s a puzzle that is divided into two sections.

The top section

&

The bottom section

Now, let’s pretend that the top section of the puzzle is considered to be “the no contact rule” and the bottom part of the puzzle is considered to be the rest of the “ex recovery” strategy that I teach on this site.

puzzle-graphic-2

And in order to successfully get your ex back you need to merge the two puzzle pieces.

In other words, you can’t just rely on one side of the puzzle to do the work for you. I have noticed that over the years that people who come to this site always seem to be under the impression that all they need to do to win their ex back is implement the no contact rule.

That’s not true.

Yes, the no contact rule may, without a doubt, be the most important aspect of ex recovery but it isn’t going to get you over the finish line alone.

Why would I tell you this?

I want you to manage your expectations going in to reading this article. I want you to understand that there is still more work after this.

Now, I also don’t want to give off the impression that the no contact rule is easy.

It’s not.

But perhaps I should stop rambling and start explaining.

I enjoy making things as simple as possible for people and that’s what I am going to do here.

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

Now, I said I was going to make this as easy as possible for you to understand so let’s break this definition down piece by piece.

Let’s start with this part,

Cut off all communication

There is nothing too out of the ordinary here.

Cutting off all communication means that you don’t talk to your ex at all in any way shape or form.

Well… this isn’t exactly true all the time (as I will teach you later) but for now just roll with it.

If your ex texts you, you ignore them.

If they call you… Yup, you ignore them.

Ignore..

Ignore…

IGNORE….

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

Ok, the next part of our definition is,

For a certain amount of time

Of course, in order to explain this I think we are actually going to have to move on to concept number two.

2. How Long You Should Avoid Contacting Your Ex Boyfriend

figure out how long your no contact should be

One of the most popular questions that I get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is,

“Chris, how long should my no contact rule last for?”

It’s a good question because it depends wholly on your situation. You see, I used to claim that everyone should stick to a very basic 30 day rule. In other words, if you were going to try the no contact rule you should ignore your ex for a month.

But experience has taught me that this isn’t always the best practice.

For some situations 30 days may be too long and for others it may not be long enough.

That’s why you will see me recommending three different time frames when it comes to the no contact rule,

  1. The 21 Day Rule
  2. The 30 Day Rule
  3. The 45 Day Rule

Now, each of these rules have a different purpose.

So, what I would like to do now is help you determine which of these time frames is ideal for you.

(Side Note: There are pros and cons to each of these rules. So, consider everything before you pick one.)

The 21 Day Period Can Work For Some Breakup Situations

The 21 day rule is the shortest rule that I am willing to recommend here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. It’s perfect for those situations where you think your ex is going to freak out if you ignore them.

Some think its the sweet spot.  Sometimes you can adapt your period as I discuss in my BEST SELLING No Contact Rule Book!

Let me give you an example.

Imagine that you were to use the no contact rule on your ex and you got a string of text messages that looked like this,

txt-1

I have found that it’s counter productive to continue ignoring an ex for too long when you are getting the type of messages you want to be seeing from them.

But that leads us to an interesting question.

What if you aren’t getting the type of responses you want to see from an ex?

What if they freak out but not in a good way?

text-2

Well, then the 21 day rule isn’t going to be ideal.

Instead, you may want to look into the 30 or 45 day rule.

Speaking of the 30 day rule…

The 30 Day Period Is A Good Balance of Creating the Effect You Want With Most Guys

The 30 day no contact rule is what I like to call the basic no contact rule.

In other words, it should be your ideal starting point.

Take a look at the graphic I put together for you below,

starting-point

This graphic is meant to represent what I want every person who does the no contact rule to do.

I want them to start off by doing a 30 day rule and then based on how their ex reacts to the no contact rule I want them to adapt.

So, let’s say that you are doing the no contact rule on your ex and you receive the positive messages that you received above with the 21 day rule,

txt-1

But this doesn’t just happen once.

No, this is the third time something like this has started to happen.

Well, in that case then you probably want to move your 30 day rule to a 21 day rule,

starting-point-copy

Of course, the opposite is true if you receive negative text messages.

If that ends up happening then you probably want to turn your 30 day rule into a 45 day rule,

starting-point-copy-2

Let’s move on and talk a little more in-depth about the 45 day no contact rule.

The 45 Day Period Is About As Far You Want To Go

45 days is the longest I am willing to recommend for a no contact rule.

I know that may shock some of you who are familiar with what other experts recommend but there is a reason for why I don’t think a no contact period should ever last longer than 45 days.

On average how long do you think it takes a human being to break a habit?

According to research, 66 days.

So technically speaking it may only take your ex 66 days to get out of the habit of thinking about you. Now, can you imagine if you flat out ignored your ex for 90 days and then all of a sudden out of the blue you texted them.

Wouldn’t that be weird?

They may already be over you and you may not even have a chance at getting them back.

But lets move on from talking about time frames for a second and keep defining the no contact rule,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery,

Hmm… I think this one deserves it’s own section to be honest with you.

3. Implement Using A Two Pronged Strategy

the two pronged a

The way I teach the no contact rule versus the way other experts out there teach it is a little different.

Take a look at the graphic below,

two-prongs

This is how I teach the no contact rule.

You see, the no contact rule gives everyone who uses it an opportunity to implement a two pronged strategy.

  • Prong One = Making An Ex Miss You
  • Prong Two = Facilitates Recovery

Lets talk about each of the prongs for a bit first.

NC Prong One (Making Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You)

If you were to ask any person what their ideal outcome would be if they were to use the no contact rule it would be that their ex goes so crazy over being ignored that they want to get back together as soon as possible.

In other words, their ex would exhibit the behavior of someone who misses a lover.

And I am not going to lie, the no contact rule does do this.

This is one of the BIGGEST assets of implementing the no contact rule which I cover in great detail in my best selling ebook, “THE NO CONTACT RULE BOOK.

However, it’s rare for an ex to ask you to get back together so I wouldn’t really bank on it. What I will say is that the no contact rule can drastically increase the chances of making an ex miss you and their is scientific proof backing this up.

Have you ever heard of psychological reactance?

No?

“Psychological Reactance is defined as a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioral freedoms. Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or her choices or limiting the range of alternatives.”

Now, that may have been a lot to swallow if you weren’t a psychology major so allow me to break it down.

Psychological reactance assumes that there are a set number of freedoms that a person has. However, when one of those freedoms is taken away the person will react to it. Usually in a way where they try to reobtain that freedom.

So, let’s look at what’s happening here.

By ignoring your ex you are denying them certain freedoms (the freedom to talk to you.) So, according to psychological reactance they are going to react in a way to try to try to get that freedom back.

Think of it like this.

Let’s say I offer my daughter a cookie and she accepts it.

A simple premise, right?

Let’s shake things up.

Now let’s say that I offer my daughter a cookie and right when she reaches for it I end up taking it away and placing it on a nearby table.

(I am definitely a horrible parent 🙁 .)

What do you think she is going to do?

Well, she understands on a basic level that her freedom to have that cookie has just been taken away and she is going to do everything in her power to get it.

That’s psychological reactance at work.

Her freedom to have the cookie was just taken away and as a result she behaved in a way to get it back.

NC Prong Two (Facilitating A Recovery)

I am a little appalled of how little people talk about the second prong of the no contact rule.

Why?

Because in my opinion it’s the most powerful aspect of NC.

Think about it, in the end all you can do is influence your ex to feel a certain way. Truthfully, you don’t have any control over what they think or the actions they take.

However, when it comes to prong two you have complete control because prong two focuses heavily on you.

Think of it this way,

facilitate-recovery

By facilitating a recovery you are going to become more confident in yourself. As you grow more confident in yourself you are going to appear more attractive towards the people around you.

That includes your ex.

Such was the case for Natalie, the woman featured in episode of three of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast (https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/episode3/). You see, she ended up moving on a facilitated a recovery.

The result = Her ex ended up contacting her and hitting on her.

But this begs an interesting question.

How do you facilitate a recovery?

Well, you want to utilize what I call “The Holy Trinity.”

4. Embark On The Holy Trinity

the holy trinity in no contact

It’s actually three things.

Health, wealth and relationships.

I’ll tell you what. I am going to go put together a report for you explaining this.

One sec….

Ok, here you go,

(Holy Trinity)

This book will explain the basics of “The Holy Trinity.”

In a nutshell, you can divide the most important aspects of your life into these three categories.

Well, during the no contact rule you want to only be doing things that positively impact these three aspects of your life.

I talk about this briefly in the holy trinity report.

But here’s something I don’t talk about in the report.

The three aspects of the holy trinity are interconnected. What affects one aspect will end up affecting the other aspects.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say that you lose your job. Thus, your “wealth” category is negatively impacted,

negative-wealth

Common sense, right?

But as a result of losing your job you become very depressed and your “mental health” becomes impacted,

negative-health

With your “mental health” compromised you begin to take your frustrations out on your significant other and as a result they break up with you,

negative-relationships

All in all, everything gets impacted negatively. It’s like quicksand. One bad thing happens and everything gets pulled down with it. However, if we are going to buy into this theory of everything being connected that also means that when something positive happens to one of the aspects everything else gets impacted as well in a positive way.

For example, let’s say that you start working out and look the best you have ever looked before,

positive-health

As a result you gain more confidence and end up doing great in a job interview and get a new job,

positive-wealth

With more confidence and a great new job word gets around and eventually reaches your ex who looks at you in a whole new light,

positive-relationships

What impacts one aspect of the holy trinity will impact the others in some way, shape or form. Remember this as you aim to facilitate your recovery. Now, I am going to talk a lot about the holy trinity when I talk about the “no contact rule” calendar later.

For now, let’s move on and talk about the other aspect of facilitating a recovery.

Facilitating A Recovery Within Your Ex

I have a simple question for you.

Do you think you will have a better chance of getting your ex back if they are angry at you or if they are a little calmer?

Calmer, right?

Well, the other great thing about facilitating your own recovery from the breakup is that it gives your ex a chance to facilitate their own recovery from the breakup.

Why do you want them to recover from the breakup?

Well, because it’s going to allow them to be more rational for when the time finally comes for you to reach out to them.

But we will talk about that later.

Now that you have a good idea of what the no contact rule entails let’s turn our attention to a very common question that we get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery,

“Can I ever break the no contact rule?”

5. Understand The Cases Where You Can End No Contact

know when to break no contact early

This is one of those things that I constantly get asked.

Seriously, I must have been asked this at least 500 times.

Originally I was of the mindset that you shouldn’t ever break the no contact rule. In fact, I think if you go to (this article link) you will notice that I say just that. However, lets say you find yourself in a scenario where you are doing the no contact rule and your ex texts you with something like this,

i-want-you-back

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

Well, according to my earlier advice you wouldn’t be able to.

Do you see the flaw with that type of thinking?

I am all about adapting and updating which is why I no longer think it’s necessary to stay in a no contact rule given the right circumstances.

Now, the keyword there is “right circumstances.”

One of the sad facts that I have learned about the people who visit my website is that if I give them a little bit of leeway they will take advantage of that. In other words, if I sit here and tell you that you can break the no contact rule early an idea gets planted in your head where you may potentially look for any reason to break it early.

Which is why I am very strict about the rules you can utilize to break the no contact rule early.

There are seven factors that you need to look at when determining whether or not you can break the no contact rule early.

Those seven factors are,

  1. How long you were in the relationship with your ex for?
  2. How many days have passed since you started the no contact rule?
  3. How many times have you broken up with this person before?
  4. Where are you in your own personal recovery?
  5. What was the cause of the break up?
  6. Who initiated the break up?
  7. How many positive communications have you received from your ex since starting the no contact rule?

Let’s take each data point and talk a bit about it.

I believe you will be better prepared to make a decision on which “road” to take, if you understand each piece of the puzzle. Only then can you fit them together and see what picture emerges.

You see, there is a synergistic relationship between these 7 data points. They need to be evaluated and considered together as a whole.

Sort like the 3 Musketeers!

(Even though D’Artagnan is never counted.)

You know…one for all and all for one!

Except in this case, we have the 7 Musketeers!

Factor One: How Long Were You In A Relationship With Your Ex For?

This can be a useful data point because if you have been involved with your Ex for a lengthy period of time, then this history between the two of you should give you some valuable insight on how to approach the situation.

If the history reveals a relationship plagued with many conflicts and multiple breakups, then you should take note of this pattern. It is probably telling you something. You may benefit more from staying on course with your No Contact strategy.

Then we have the situation in which the relationship was only weeks or a few months in duration.

Relatively speaking, that is not a very long time to build a solid foundation.

Breaking up after such a short time, suggests that something is not working out for one or both partners. In such a situation, making an exception and ending your No Contact is probably not a good idea.

Maybe things will work out.

Maybe not.

But I would think long and hard before breaking off the No Contact.

Factor Two: How many days have passed since you started?

If you hear from your ex on day 5 of your No Contact Period, it may be too early to make an exception.

While not a “deal breaker”, since all of these data points need to be considered as a whole, you should know that your ex reaching out to you so soon may be more to do with their “rebound emotions”.

You both may need more time to sort things out on your own, before you try to do it together.

Now on the other hand, if your ex reaches out to you on day 26 of your 30 day No Contact Period, I would be inclined to recommend you consider ending “No Contact” and exploring what is on their mind.

Unless, of course, your ex was spewing some nasty venom.

Which leads us to the next factor.

Factor Three: What Is Your Track Record With Your Ex?

If you guys have had multiple breakups in the past, then it probably is not in your best interest to make an exception.

The on again, off again relationship cycle is not healthy.

Where on the other hand, if you guys have been pretty solid in the past, that bodes well for your future.

Maybe you can cut short your No Contact Period on the strength of this factor and other data points.

Factor Four: Where Are You In Your Personal Recovery

Are you truly ready to talk to your ex again?

How much time has gone by since you last spoke?

How far along are you in your No Contact Period?

The more time that has gone by, the better, because it takes TIME to heal.

Have you been able to set aside the angry and resentful feelings you may have had following the breakup?

Do you feel you have progressed emotionally in other ways?

Are your drawing closer to becoming the best version of yourself?

Can you honestly say you have learned something meaningful about yourself?

These are the kind of things you need to think about. The last thing you want is to try to re-enter your relationship when your wounds have not healed.

Factor Five: What Caused The Breakup

If your ex cheated on you, then I am not an advocate of ending the No Contact Period early. Not unless all of the other Data Points are strongly and positively in place.

When weighing whether an exception should be made, one really needs to put a lot of weight on what caused the breakup.

Ask yourself, how severe and ugly was the ending of the relationship?

The more severe, the longer one should stay with No Contact. Breakups can be damaging and both parties need to time heal.

All breakups are going to hurt, no matter the degree of severity.

But it is usually easier to spring back from breakups if they did not cause considerable spite, anger, and hate.

Factor Six: Who Initiated The Breakup

The forces of “personal power” play a role during and after the relationship.

If you initiated the breakup, you have more personal power, at least on this matter.

But be careful with power.

It can go straight to your head in a matter of speaking, but you may not be thinking with the right side of your brain.

If you are feeling really cocky and confident about this new development of your ex reaching out to you, you may not be in the right place “emotionally” to properly gauge your situation.

Now, if your ex initiated the breakup and is now reaching out, you still need to weigh things carefully. On its surface, it may appear that the balance of personal power has swayed to your favor. Perhaps, your ex realizes they made a mistake.

Just tread carefully. In other words,

You Initiating The Breakup > Your Ex Initiating The Breakup

Factor Seven: How Many Positive Communications Did You Receive?

I saved the best and most important data point, for last! This is why I call it the Golden Factor.

What you should be looking for are multiple positive messages sent by your ex to you. One attempt to communicate, even if it’s made in the most positive way, is usually not enough, particularly if the other data points are not favorable.

When an ex reaches out to you and tells you something really nice and pleasant, that demonstrates good faith. If it is repeated, that shows the person probably really cares. If you receive a few more communications, that demonstrates a persistence.

As long as those messages sent to you have a positive energy, that bodes well for you.

Now if you get bombarded with negative message after negative message, to a point where it seems like your ex is obsessing….well, that is not a good thing.

If that happens, I would suggest you ignore those many obsessive contacts.

Positive contact can come in multiple forms.

It could be text messages. It could be emails. It could be phone messages. It could be old fashioned letters. It could be a message in a bottle. It could be a bouquet of flowers or a gift with a card.

Hell, it can even be on Facebook or Snapchat.

The main thing is that such messages need to number more than one.

They need to be positive, friendly and respectful. And they need to occur within a brief period of time (e.g. over a few days, perhaps over a week).

What if they show up at your door?

Don’t fall for it the first time around. Be nice and tell them you need more time. If this happens a few times and your ex conducted themselves respectfully, well, an exception may be in order.

Remember, I said it may be in order! You need to look at all of the data points and judge whether you wish to end your No Contact Period.
Is there any magic number of data points which have to be met, before you make an Exception?

Yes, and that leads me to my next point.

The Rule Of Four When Dealing With Breaking No Contact

Do you remember above when I mentioned that if I give people too much leeway they will take advantage of it and look for any excuse to break the no contact rule.

Well, that’s what the rule of four is meant for.

There are a total of seven factors that you need to look at if you are considering ending the no contact rule early. Well, what if I told you that you only needed four of those factors to break it.

It’s just that one of those factors has to be the “golden factor,”

The Golden Factor = Receiving Multiple Positive Communications From Your Ex

For example, let’s say that you have checked off every other factor except the golden one.

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

No, the golden factor is essential for breaking no contact early.

But what if you have the golden factor but you don’t get any of the other factors?

Can you break no contact?

No, obtaining three other factors is just as essential as obtaining the golden factor.

That’s the rule of four.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

6. Know When NOT To Use The No Contact Principle

when NOT to use the no contact rule

This is where things tend to get a bit more complicated. You see, in addition to understanding the rules for breaking the no contact rule early (which I am just going to tell you upfront is very rare) you will also need to understand that there are going to be certain situations that you may find yourself that will require you to alter the no contact rule.

Now, altering a no contact period is completely different than breaking it.

What’s the difference?

Altering No Contact = You are still technically under the no contact period you just might be playing with a slightly different set of rules.

Breaking No Contact = You should be advancing to the next phase of the strategy to get your ex back.

Now, there are actually a lot of different situations that may make you alter your no contact rule BUT I don’t have the time to list out each and every one of them.

Instead, I thought that it would be best if I just listed out the 6 most common alterations I see people having to make,

  • If Children Are Involved
  • If You Work With Them
  • If You Live With Them
  • If You Go To School With Them
  • If You Unexpectedly Run Into Them
  • The Item Exchange

Now, since this is Ex Boyfriend Recovery and we are committed to creating the best content in the world relating to exes we are going to go above and beyond for you by teaching you the alterations you are going to have to make for each of these situations.

Let’s start from the top.

1. The Alterations You Need To Make If Children Are Involved

This is always a difficult situation to alter because more often than not if you and your ex share a child you are going to be living together (which we will talk about next.)

So, rather than addressing what to do about the living situation let’s talk about what to do if you decide to use the no contact rule on your ex and they send you something like this,

child-text

Oh, and in case you couldn’t read between the lines “Carter” is your kid.

How do you deal with this?

Ok, here is my rule for when it comes to communicating about kids during no contact.

The Rule: You can break no contact to talk about the kids and that’s it. After you interaction about the kids is over you are going right back into no contact.

Pretty simple, right?

Well, things get a bit more complicated when you take into account that more often than not if you share a child with your ex you are probably living together.

How the hell are you supposed to handle no contact?

2. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Work With Your Ex

There are two words I want you to get very familiar with.

Strictly Business!

Now, it’s important to remember that the goal here isn’t to p*ss off your ex and that can definitely happen if you work together and completely ignore him. Instead, I don’t want you to initiate any conversations with him. Let him initiate all the conversations and if he does then keep the conversation short and sweet.

The only fly in the ointment, so to speak, is if your have to communicate due to a work related activity.

In that case make sure the scope of the conversation is STRICTLY BUSINESS!

In other words, if you are talking about something business related that is completely fine but if he veers off and starts talking about something “non business related” then I want you to subtly redirect him to talking about business.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

3. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Live With Your Ex

I am just going to be blunt with you.

The no contact rule is always going to be more effective if you aren’t living with your ex. That’s just the way it is and anyone who tells you anything differently is lying straight to your face.

BUT the no contact rule can still be effective if you live with the person so don’t go into a depression just yet.

It’s just that it isn’t going to be as effective.

So, what’s the rule regarding living with your ex?

The Rule: If it’s possible move out.

Now, the keyword that you want to look at there is “IF IT’S POSSIBLE.”

If moving out isn’t an option then don’t do it. Don’t worry, I have a specific strategy that you should employ but before I let you in on that I want to put my money where my mouth is.

Meet Jessica,

jessica

Jessica is someone who I personally worked with on Facebook.

I advised her to enter into a 21 day no contact period and also to move out of the house she was staying at with her ex boyfriend.

She did exactly what I said and when it was all said and done she had her ex chasing her and begging for her back. Oh, and he proposed.

This alteration produces results.

But let’s say that you can’t move out. Let’s say it’s not an option.

What do you do then?

Simple, you are going to act as cordial as possible when you do see your ex so they don’t think you are a d*ck but you NEVER want to start a conversation. Hmm…. perhaps this would work better as an example.

Ok, let’s pretend that you are dating me!

(I’m pretty awesome, I know!)

We are living together and you decide you want to utilize the no contact rule.

One day I come home from work (because in this example I am a high powered business man 😉 ) and I look pretty stressed. Every fiber of your being is going to want to ask me a simple question,

“Are you ok?”

Or

“How was your day?”

But you aren’t allowed to.

Why?

Because you are in the midst of a no contact rule.

Now let’s answer one of the most asked questions I get about this situation.

Let’s say that instead of me looking stressed and angry when I come home that particular day I look pretty happy and I even go as far as to ask you how your day was.

What do you do?

Most women make the mistake of thinking that they should ignore their exes at this point.

That’s a mistake because that will just create more animosity between the two of you and that’s the last thing we want. Instead, the best way to handle this situation is to engage me in a conversation but keep it short and sweet.

The idea is not to linger too long.

4. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Go To School With Your Ex

Out of all the alterations I talk about in this section this is probably the easiest one to grasp.

In fact, the alteration here pretty much boils down to two steps.

Step One: Avoid your ex

Step Two: If it’s impossible to avoid them then keep it short and sweet

So, let’s talk about these steps really quick.

I want you to avoid your ex at school at all costs. Yes, I realize some mumbo jumbo expert out there may disagree with me but believe me when I say that this is for your own good.

Why?

Well, because I have often found that people will look for any conceivable excuse to “bump into their exes.”

But let’s assume you are in a situation where “step one” is impossible.

Let’s say that you are in the exact same class as your ex and it’s pretty much impossible to avoid them. Well, in that case I want you to keep everything short and sweet.

What do I mean by that?

Well, for starters I don’t want you to start any conversations with your ex. However, let’s say that your ex starts a conversation with you (like my example above when you live with an ex.)

Well, keep everything short and sweet.

Engage them but don’t engage them fully.

Be nice but not too nice.

Short and sweet.

That’s the name of the game.

5. The Alterations You Need To Make If You Unexpectedly Run Into Your Ex Boyfriend

Imagine for a moment that you are walking down the street and all of a sudden you see your ex…

You panic…

You get that deer in the headlights look…

And you pull a “kramer,”

a-kramer

Now, do you think that is the proper way to utilize the no contact rule in this situation?

No…

Absolutely not.

Instead, the correct move here is to walk up to your ex, say hi and leave it at that.

Less is more…

Now, before we move on to the final alteration I do have one thing to say. DON’T GO LOOKING TO RUN INTO YOUR EX ON PURPOSE! If you do that and they catch on to what you are doing then without a doubt you are going to appear to be desperate and that is going to have the opposite effect of what you are supposed to do.

6. Alterations You Need To Make For An Item or Possessions Exchange With Your Ex

Ah, and here it is…

The ultimate no contact question that I get asked on pretty much a daily basis.

“Chris, am I allowed to break the no contact rule if my ex has items that I want back?”

 

“What about if my ex asks me for their things?”

Ok, let’s tackle the easy one first.

If your ex asks for their things back then you have to give them their stuff back. No if’s, ands or buts about it.Therefore, you are allowed to break the no contact rule but just in this one instance. After the items are exchanged then I want you to go right back into the no contact rule.

How do you handle the interaction when you are exchanging things?

Good question.

Generally you want it to be short and sweet.

This isn’t a time to linger and relive the worst or best parts of your relationship.

Get in, exchange items and get out.

Simple…

Now, lets tackle the more difficult question.

What if your ex has something of yours that you want back. How do you handle that?

Well, the first question I would ask you is how important is it to you?

If we are talking “toothbrush level” type stuff then I think you can live without it and should probably stay in the no contact rule.

But what if it’s something of grave importance to you?

Something like your mothers ashes… Well, then you have my permission to break the no contact rule to get them back.

Fun Fact: Did you ever see the Malcolm in The Middle episode where the babysitter is fighting with her ex over her mothers ashes (I did obviously 😉 .)

7. Understand These Four Important Concepts To Stay Disciplined

Stay disciplined by doing these things

Now that you have a pretty good idea of how the no contact rule works I want to move on to the next step.

There is a philosophy that I want you to adopt.

It’s called “Dating Yourself.”

In fact, I did a whole interview with a dating coach named Veronica Grant where she pretty much summed up “dating yourself” better than I ever could,

(In case you don’t have the patience to watch the entire interview here is her summarization of “dating yourself,”)

Dating yourself is kind of what it sounds like. Doing things for yourself that you would either want or expect your significant other to do for you. So, it can be things like buying yourself flowers, writing yourself a love note, taking a hot bubble bath, taking yourself out for a drink or for a nice dinner but really the deeper essence of it is making yourself feel how you want to feel on your relationship.

Now, I am absolutely in love with this idea, especially during the no contact rule.

Why?

Well, it kind of serves as a gauntlet for weeding out the people who aren’t serious about getting their exes back and simply want to move on. And that’s a great thing because usually half the battle is finding a way to get on the right path.

So, how does this “gauntlet effect” work?

1. The Gauntlet Effect

It’s hard to admit (because I was a young buck when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery) but I have been doing this for over half a decade. But most of the people who come to this website want one thing and one thing only,

They want to get their exes back.

And I feel I have certainly catered to those people a lot (Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO anyone?)

But sometimes a person comes to me with a horrifying story that makes me think,

“Hmm… maybe you shouldn’t get back with your ex.”

And being me, I usually verbalize my thoughts without thinking a lot of time.

Now, usually when I tell someone this they are very respectful and often times they agree with me. However, when it comes time for them to take specific actions revolving around getting over their ex they actually do the opposite.

Now, after five years of his happening to me I have finally wised up to what’s going on.

Nothing I say will convince a person otherwise and I have simply decided to let people go through their own process (because sometimes that’s what it takes for them to realize their ex is not the right fit for them.)

Ah, but that’s where “The Gauntlet Effect” comes into play.

By utilizing the “date yourself” philosophy during the no contact rule you are essentially putting yourself in a gauntlet to see if you are still interested in your ex by the end of the no contact rule.

Allow me to explain in more detail.

Let’s pretend that you are doing a 30 day no contact rule and you decide that on top of utilizing the “two prongs” that I talked about above you are going to also utilize the “date yourself” philosophy.

And while you are dating yourself you come to the realization that,

“Hmm… my ex never treated me as good as I am treating myself right now..”

And pretty soon this singular thought evolves into,

“I don’t think I want him back.”

Well, that’s the gauntlet effect in play right there. It essentially helps you determine what you really want going forward. Of course, if you come out the other end of the gauntlet and you still want your ex back then you absolutely positively have my permission to do everything in your power to get him back.

Of course, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves now.

WARNING: Most People Who Try The No Contact Rule End Up Failing It

I think I may have mentioned this before but it never hurts to re-iterate.

The odds aren’t in your favor to successfully make it through the no contact rule. In fact, I would say that the vast majority of people I have met have ultimately ended up failing at the no contact rule.

Now, what does that mean?

Well, usually that means that you decide to do a period of no contact and somewhere during that period you end up contacting your ex.

And it’s easy to understand why.

We live in a digital age where temptation is all around us.

I mean, think about it.

How tempting would it be to check your exes Facebook profile?

What about check and see the last time they logged into WhatsApp?

Of course, it’s my job to ensure that you don’t fail at the no contact rule so here’s what I have decided to do for you. I have put together a list of the very best ways that you can safely remove temptation. In other words, if you do the following things then your chances of successfully completing the no contact rule will drastically increase.

  • Getting A Friend To Hold The Number
  • Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time
  • Keeping A Journal
  • Unfollow On Facebook

Let’s talk a little about each of these initiatives.

2. Getting A Trusted Friend To Hold Onto Your Exes Number

Now, I am not going to lie to you.

This one is a bit flawed.

But more on that in a second. For now, let’s just grasp what this initiative is.

Essentially the way this works is that you write your exes number down on a piece of paper and then you erase that number from your phone. After that, you take the piece of paper to a trusted friend and tell them not to give it to you until your 21 – 45 days are up.

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“I get it and everything but what’s the flaw?

Well, let’s say that I am the trusted friend who you gave your exes number to. And let’s say that your ex contacts you at some point. It will probably still show up on your phone but just as a number you don’t recognize.

Nevertheless, I have seen this method work for a lot of women who have tried it so it isn’t without it’s merits.

3. Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time to Think About Him or Do Something You Will Regret

I am a big fan of this one.

Why?

Well, because IF you do the no contact rule the way that I am recommending you to do it then this is going to happen naturally.

Think about it…

The holy trinity…

Dating yourself…

These are things that are meant to keep you buys and most importantly keep your mind off of your ex which is a HUGE problem we are facing. So, the idea here is that you keep yourself so busy that you don’t even have time to contact your ex.

Now, I realize that it’s unrealistic of me to say,

“Ok, as long as you just make yourself busy you won’t ever have time to contact your ex.”

That’s not true.

If someone is motivated enough they will always find time.

But here is the point I want to hammer home for you.

As long as you couple this strategy with a few others you should be golden.

4. Keeping A Journal Can Make The Breakup Blues Go Away

I have to admit that I can’t take credit for this one. This is the brain child of my wife.

So, the way this works is that you go out and buy a journal. Now, the thing about this journal is that it’s only meant for the no contact rule. In other words, this is your no contact rule journal 😉 .

Ok, lame joke aside you are going to utilize this journal to write down your feelings during the no contact rule.

It’s a way to exercise how you are feeling and also a way to prevent yourself from contacting your ex.

Now, let’s say you are going along down the no contact rule and all of a sudden you get this urge to contact your ex. It’s overwhelming and your fingers are literally on the phone typing in their name.

Well, instead of doing that you are going to pull out your journal and write down how you are feeling.

Write down what you want to write…

Write down how angry and upset you are…

Get it all out.

Get it all out until you don’t feel the urge to contact them anymore.

Unfollow Your Ex On Facebook

Notice how I said “unfollow” and not “unfriend”

Believe it or not there is a difference between the two.

Unfollow:

unfollow

Basically by unfollowing your ex they won’t show up in your feed anymore. Now, if you want more details on why I recommend not to fully unfriend your ex then I recommend going here.

So, that’s going to do it for my epic guide on the no contact rule?

What do you think?

Are you confused about anything?

Do you need help with anything?

We would love to hear from you in the comments below!

6,464 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

  1. Gelmy Amor

    February 15, 2019 at 4:06 pm

    Hi! Actually I just begged my ex for 3 times now and he kept on rejecting me. We were together for 2 years and 3 months and we broke up around 1 month ago. Our relationship grew unhealthy and toxic to the point where we hurted each other (not physically) that’s why we broke up. After the break up, we still communicate and sometimes he’s giving me false hopes and if I’ll ask him about it, he’ll deny it. I am so confused on what should I do. I still love him so much but lately he told me that it’s over and I should date someone else. I asked him why and he said “I don’t want us to hurt each other and I’m tire”. What should I do?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 16, 2019 at 12:40 am

      Hi Gelmy!

      Right…I know you no realize that begging is a slippery slope that seldom works out for you. But if things were toxic, then a breakup was needed. Just continue with your No Contact efforts and remember, NC is mostly about “you” and your recovery/healing and focus on self growth.

  2. Ms You

    February 10, 2019 at 4:48 pm

    Dear Chris,

    My ex is giving the hot and cold vibe… He’s telling me how he misses me and wants to call me but pulls back because of emotions and doesn’t want to lead me on…. yet we talk well, even made out like twice but still gives the cold vibe too. He won’t reachout but he responds well when I do.
    Though, the major part of our issue was him thinking he wasn’t enough for me and suddenly wondering why I show much concern to him now.
    Lately, I’ve been reaching out a lot more because he was going through a financial tough time. He even admitted I’ve been a better friend to him and he has to me.
    Anyway, What do you suggest I do??

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 10, 2019 at 10:29 pm

      Hi Ms You!

      Sometimes when guys get confused about what they want, you get this hot and cold vibe. Part of them is pulled into your orbit….another part is seeking autonomy and independence. And if there is uncertainty about how this have been going in the past, that makes things choppy. So just go it slow. Leave some gaps in there to encourage him to reach out first, but don’t shut down communications.

  3. Mary

    February 1, 2019 at 6:29 pm

    Hi Chris,

    So i’ve been kind of off and on with me ex. He has a lot of trust issues. Last time I saw him and everything was “normal” was with new years eve. We broke up two weeks later, cause we were fighting for those whole two weeks on whatsapp and didnt see each other. A new trend in the relationship was fighting for weeks and not seeing each other. I must say its not only fighting, but he keeps bringing up stuff that leads to a fight even if were kinda okay with each other. So i was sick of the arguments and the not seeing. And sent him a message that i was coming and we had two choices. Either we act normal or i got his stuff and we ending this. He didnt want me to come at first, but i just did cause i was over it. I came there and he was barely talking . I tried real hard to try to stay respectfull and talk things out, but he didnt want to talk things out. So i said okay and said i DID NOT want him to contact me then after the breakup. And like i expected he texted me that night and some days later also. Only with negative things about me and accusing me of cheating etc. I didnt respond. It got a little awkward when his mom started texting me saying she hopes to see me soon (at that time she wasnt aware yet we broke up). She texted me also after she found at and told me it was a shame and she still hopes we make up. In the meanwhile he texted me again with more crap. And in his last texts he was saying hpw i havent proved i didnt cheat and stuff. But the fact is I didnt cheat and got nothing to proof to him. Ive been doing NO for 21 days. Should i go on or send him a text. Apparantly he doesnt get that i wont respond if he send hatefull stuff and he wants me to proof i didnt cheat. And the NO rule is making him thinkbi didnt care about the relationship and already am fucking around. He also says he wil start datong too and so on. Help please

  4. Alaa

    January 30, 2019 at 6:41 pm

    Hello Chris,
    Thank you a lot for being here to help me out
    And sorry for asking a lot of questions

    I think I made a mistake right after my ex gave his answer and rejected me, by taking all of my anger out at him

    I called him immature and mentioned that I hated how he has always been chasing me confessing to me over and over again until I finally loved him back and then he didn’t like it and left me

    So in that case, would it still be fine if I reach out to him a week later? Im afraid I hurt him by what I said.. or should I wait more?
    I already did the NC for 30 days before him giving me his answer.. or is it necessary to redo the 30 days NC from the very beginning?

    Thank you!

  5. Alaa

    January 28, 2019 at 8:06 pm

    Hello again,

    I know I did post a reply earlier
    But I have been wondering…
    Since my ex already rejected me right after the no contact finished, because he was expected to give his answer anyway, it would be wrong to contact him immediately right?

    How long do I have to wait until I can contact him again?
    He didn’t even give me a chance to see if I changed my behavior or anything

    And I am hurt and keep wondering, did he never even slightly miss me during this whole month..? Did he forget about all the good times we have spent together and never thought of them?
    I can’t understand how he rejected me immediately without saying anything before it

    I want to get the spark of love that died in him back, I want to make him fall for me again
    I don’t want to live my life without him around

    Thanks again

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 28, 2019 at 11:29 pm

      Hi Alaa! After NC, you don’t really want your ex to give a definitive answer as to the course of the relationship. The idea is after NC, you want to take little baby steps to try to create a path for some positive communication. Might be best to pull back for a week or so , then try again just as I teach in my Program. Remember, its about little steps…with no pressure on him having to make any decisions about the relationship.

  6. Alaa

    January 28, 2019 at 5:26 am

    Hi Chris,
    It’s me again

    As I mentioned before, I told my ex that I’d give him a month to think about his decision
    And before yesterday was the last day of contact, I waited all day and he yet hasnt contacted me

    Then right before midnight he messaged me just saying “I think the one month is over” then after some while he sent “This is awkward, I wrote an essay but I can’t send it”
    That was through sms. And he disappeared

    I messaged him saying that we can talk somewhere else, next day, nothing from him at all… the day after, which is today, I messaged him again on social media aski g him of he’s give his answer

    He was so immediate to the point and said he thinks it is better for us to go on separate ways and move on

    I asked the reason, he said that the relationship woth me was so awesome, but he felt the spark in him has died, and he even started thinking if we’d be able to get married
    And reached to the conclusion that we can’t possibly get married

    I asked him why he thinks it is not possible to get married.. he said 1. We dont have an acceptable story on how we met (we met on facebook but apparently he was at my school) 2. He doesn’t know what will happen in his life and doesn’t want to live a lie 3. He can’t afford it

    And that he fails to see any further for us in at least the 5 next years, and that he wanted to end the relationship because he didn’t want to live a lie and don’t want to give himself false hopes

    So I gave a solution for each point of those 3 and explained we can still make it if we really wanted to and it is possible

    Then I asked if he really loved me for those past 6 years and about the previous relationships with him, he said he did care for me and enjoyed talking but it wasn’t so serious like this one

    Theen… he said what he hated about the relationship was “immaturity”

    So I wonder if there is still a chance to get him back, and what I should do regarding the no contact, Im not sure what I should do next

    Thank you

  7. A

    January 17, 2019 at 4:09 am

    Hi Chris,
    I had a vulnerable moment and ended up texting my ex after 17 days of NC. However, I ended up deleting them before they got delivered, but, he’ll know I messaged him and then deleted those texts.
    I feel very stupid for wasting my progress and don’t know what to do next.
    Please help 🙁

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 17, 2019 at 4:57 am

      Hey there! Don’t feel stupid. Look we all make mistakes and this one is not going to be the end all….and I am not so sure this was a mistake. If anything, what you did may trigger a little tingle of interest and curiosity in his mind. Just stay on course. And if you don’t have my eBook, go get it as it will help with all the moves down the road.

  8. A

    January 15, 2019 at 5:42 pm

    My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me this November after many miscommunication and misunderstandings between us. It crushed me to my core because he’d asked me to marry him 4 months ago and I’d said yes.
    We were in an LDR throughout, he moved abroad for work after 6 months of dating/knowing each other. We’d met via a dating app.
    He wasn’t a very hands on boyfriend as He has a demanding work situation with crazy work hours. I was very understanding, mostly.
    He even worked on dates or till late in nights on weekends. I didn’t feel like this would have a future because of the distance and unavailibility so I Tried ending things in between for a while.
    However, after a whole lot of hot and cold dynamics, and a very long on and off relationship, things were really good between us this past one year. And, he asked me to marry him this summer, right before I was moving back home to live with my parents.
    And, i said yes.
    However, things between us fell apart once families got involved, which happened at a very weird time because I lost 2 close family members in an accident. I couldn’t handle my family and let it not affect our emotional health. I became needy and very recluse. After a Cold War of about 3 weeks, he gave up on me and started ghosting me. In the meantime I lost a third family member it was the worst of times for me. I panicked and became desperate to want to talk to him. He kept asking for sometime off, and continued ignoring my calls and texts. I couldn’t handle it.
    After a whole lot of nagging, he finally spoke to me over the phone and said that he wasn’t happy, we are both very similar (introverts and walled up about our feelings) and it won’t workout in the long run. He’s fallen out of love but, still really likes me.
    Now that I think of it, he’d never really verbally expressed his love for me. But, that’s how he is. Never too expressive about his feelings. We are both very similar.
    Once he ended things, over the phone, since we are in a LDR, I kept nagging him for a meeting in person one last time, I was an emotional wreck, very needy and desperate, he agreed to meet me and met me after a month, in this whole time, he kept watching all my stories on my social media.
    However, in that meeting he told me, he wanted to marry me because he thought I was the best he could do, but, life is long and it won’t workout in the long run.
    I think I wrecked it because I was very needy and angry and presumptious these past couple months. So, I begged for forgiveness, but, he told me he doesn’t want me to blame myself for wrecking it. And that I need to move on and i will find someone better in life.
    I didn’t say much then, parted ways cordially but became desperate again after few days, kept begging and pleading with him to take me back and give it another try. If I wasn’t deranged earlier, I became deranged then.
    We met for the last time on 9th December and I kept texting him till 1st January.
    He stopped reading my texts sometime after Christmas, he never replied to any of them anyway. Or took any of my calls.
    I know I pushed him away by being too desperate and needy and clingy, and by not talking to him over the phone and only continuing chatting over texts. Because I was in the middle of mourning for one straight month after all the deaths in the family.
    Now, o haven’t reached out to him since after 1st of jan. I really don’t know if this NC thing will work in my case since it mainly got wrecked because of texting and not talking like regular people do.
    But, I think he’s the one for me, I want him back in my life, because I’ve never met another man more patient and calm than him.
    The idea is to reach out to him after after 40 days, on the day of his parents’ anniversary.
    I feel that he still loves me but is only worried because of how I behaved, I’ve done this in the past too. Overreacted about a certain situation/thing, but apologised later once I realised my mistake.
    The way we communicate has always been flawed, and I know that. We only text because of the distance, he was also abroad and away for a significant amount of time and therefore whatsapp was our only means of communication throughout. Plus neither of us likes talking over the phone. But, we have a strong emotional bond, a great physical chemistry and never ever cheated on each other.
    I don’t know what to do, but I want him back in my life. I want to give us another try.
    I don’t know if NC will work in my case, since we were always LDR and have no mutual friends of acquaintances et cetera.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 15, 2019 at 11:03 pm

      Hi there A!

      Miscommunications and misunderstandings can create problems for relationships. I think NC is worth a try given the other tactics did not improve matters.

  9. Vicky

    January 5, 2019 at 11:47 pm

    Hi Chris!
    I was with my ex for 9years…he broke up with me and started a rebound,then i started following your methods and i did changes of things which were the reason for the breakup! So we got back together…but only for a few weeks…i was not able to forgive him his rebound relationship and we had fights over it…so we broke up again a few days ago.
    Ive seen on facebook that he reached out to his rebound again…im so angry and disappointed! I dont know what to do!
    Can no contact rule and your tips work a second time? Should i even bother with him after that he reached out for this girl again?

    I love him and i want to be with him but i dont know what to do?

    Please give me some advice!
    Thank you!

  10. Jami

    January 4, 2019 at 8:04 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I were together for around 6 months, he broke up with me on December 10th. Just a little background…our relationship progressed very quickly, We work together and we discovered that we both liked each other for quite awhile before we started seeing each other. He told me he loved me first, he told me that he had feelings for me that he had never had for anyone else, he told me that he had been looking for me and that he was not going to let me go. He would tell me he was thinking about me, missing me every day. He would come and see me every day at lunch (we work different shifts). So after about 3 months the sweet things he would say kind of started dwindling, he wasn’t messaging me as much (messaging was our main means of communication because we worked different shifts), I was always the one to ask to do things, but he would always say yes to hang out when I asked. If we were hanging out together things were always great. Even through all of this, he told me he loved me every day. So a couple of weeks before the breakup I told him that I felt like I was more into him than he was to me. He said I hadn’t done anything wrong, but was just being “cautious” because of his long term ex (she was a horrible person and cheated on him multiple times and he does have a lot of damage from her) The next weekend I explained to him that I didn’t think it was fair for me to be “punished” so to speak for stuff that his ex did, especially since he said I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I told him that it had been hurting me. He refused to discuss it anymore, told me he loved me but didn’t want to talk about it and ignored me the rest of the weekend. The next day he apologized for ignoring me and then on Monday came into work, kissed me and told me he loved me. That same night I messaged him a long message just saying that I was all in for him and that I was in love with him and would never hurt him like she did. It was a lot longer than that, but I don’t want to type everything out. His response was “I don’t know what I want, this doesn’t feel right, I don’t want to hurt you”. I just replied with a wow, I didn’t see this coming and said that he broke my heart. I said you don’t want to at least try and he said “It doesn’t feel right, I have to trust my gut”. He said he would like to still be friends. I did ask him if there was someone else and he said No. So we work together as I stated earlier, we only actually work together in the same department for about 30 minutes a day. But ever since the breakup he has not said one word to me other than Hi a couple of times, he totally avoids me and the whole office. I have not tried to talk to him at work but I did message him twice after the breakup (before I learned No Contact)..it was once the weekend right after and then the next weekend, but I haven’t sent anything else since then for two weeks now. I guess I just don’t know what to think since he is ignoring me if I should just give up or what? He is the love of my life and I want him back so bad. I still feel like we are meant to be. I don’t know if you have any words of advice for me, but I do appreciate you reading this. Thank you so much!!

  11. ap

    January 3, 2019 at 9:03 am

    hello Chris,
    my ex bf and I have been together for 1 year, he left me after some “mini break ups”, saying he doesn’t love me anymore. I don’t know why, but I think it’s because of my behavior in some situations (e.g. I got angry many times for his behavior, like also stupid things). I begged and did everything you and the others say it’s not something to do. Now after one month and a half, it’s ten days I’m not contacting him anymore (and i broke the NC after other ten days of NC). I just want to have a chance, cause I really know what I did wrong, and I am sure, that if he loved me still, I could be way better in those situations, explaining things with less anger and in more functional way. What should i do?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 3, 2019 at 11:20 pm

      Hi Ap!

      Don’t cast all the blame on yourself as breakups happen not on account of just on person’s behavior. But I agree NC is a good course of action. Pick up my eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” as it will help you throughout this whole process!

  12. Bree

    December 28, 2018 at 7:49 pm

    I did the no contact rule on an ex after several months of post – breakup fighting. He was regularly getting really emotional and angry and having a go at me so after this had gone on for a while I just went quiet. We had plans to meet so I could get my stuff back from him soon after the 30 days so I knew I’d hear from him again.

    After 30 days I contacted him to ask how he had been. No response. I contacted him again to ask about getting my stuff back. He started giving brief responses and I was shocked how unemotional they were.

    He told me he was going to meet me for 5 minutes, give my stuff back and leave.

    When we met though, things seemed ok, we had a chat and things were civil and reasonably friendly and he actually hung around for about 45 minutes, much longer than he had said. So I was hopeful.

    He was very sick when we met up so I messaged him later on to ask if he was feeling ok. He replied. And then he just blocked me. There was no fighting, no explanation, no emotional conversations, no ignoring of my message. I was just blocked.

    I’m in shock. I don’t know what to do. I feel like no contact put distance between us that wasn’t there before, like it has allowed him to get over me. At least before i did it he was getting emotional, and after no contact suddenly no emotion at all. This was now a few weeks ago and im still not unblocked, though he did check my profile once.

    The only place I still have contact with him now is in a public chatroom we are both in, he has blocked all my ways of contacting him in private. I’m shocked and i have no idea what I can still do.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 29, 2018 at 2:15 am

      Hi Bree!

      Looks like you have tried different approaches. Some of his behaviors are not matching up with his earlier behavior when you met up with him for a chat. Not sure why. Pressing more probably not the way to go. Focus on your own self for now.

  13. Britney

    December 25, 2018 at 4:14 am

    I need help. I did the no contact back in July to Aug. Then I found out I was pregnant at the of Aug with his child. My ex fiancé contacted me out of the blues after the 30 day no contact so we started texting here and there. He started giving me mixed signals and telling he wants to get back together, then the following week he would tell me he never wants to get back together. He did this to me twice, first was a text and second was a call. I did tell him how I felt, which I simply regret. Also, I just found out yesterday that he has a new girlfriend. What do I do to get him back? Our breakup was mutual and we’ve been together for 4 years, engaged for 3 years. I’m due in May. All I want is to be with him (marry him) and raise this child together.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 25, 2018 at 11:45 pm

      Hi Britney!

      Right now you focus should be on your emotional and physical health. I think resuming no contact helps in both areas of your healing and recover and also potentially creating the space that may lead your ex to regret his decision and see your value to him and his life.

  14. Deja Booker

    December 23, 2018 at 9:57 am

    I’m on day 7 of NC from my ex fiancé of 3 years. Last week he stood me up, we were to attend an office Christmas party. I confronted him about ghosting me (no call, no show), he basically text me and said that I deserve better and that he wanted to be left alone. I have not been in contact with him since. The last 8 months of our relationship, I’ve gone through infidelity, loss of our son (still birth in October 2018), lies, living separate (due to the cheating), lack of emotional and financial support with my ex. My ex has been calling me and texting me throughout there’s no contact period. I have not responded however he is starting to say things that I want to hear. He basically texted me saying that he was ready to move back home and is willing to meet my requirements of him. I feel like it’s just a ploy to get me to answer the phone. Should I continue on with the 30 day no contact? Should I look into 45 days of no contact? To be clear I still want to be with him, I still see a future with him . I just need to know that he is willing to change. As far as self-care and recovery, I am active in therapy as well as the grief counseling.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 23, 2018 at 8:06 pm

      Hi Deja!

      So in this case you should probably explore things with him. Think little steps, just build on some conversation and see how things unfold.

  15. San

    December 10, 2018 at 1:15 pm

    Hi, please during the no contact am I allowed to let my ex view my Status or I should exclude him from viewing my status until I end the no contact . Thanks

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 10, 2018 at 11:25 pm

      I kinda like keeping the social media lines of communication open in most circumstances as you can leverage that to your advantage in some ways.

  16. Melanie

    November 30, 2018 at 10:50 am

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I only dated for about 2 months so it was not very long. We got into an a small argument and he decided that he didn’t want to be in a relationship. That was 3 months ago. After the breakup we kept in contact as he wanted to stay and would bump into each other often at the gym and things seem to be ok for a while. However about a month ago things got a bit strained between us and he started to pull away. He longer tries to initiate conversion or prolong conversion anymore and is very distant. I’m trying to use the non contact rule but it is difficult because we still bump into each other at time gym (its a small town where I’m living currently). Does this mean no contact will be unsuccessful? Any suggestions on what I can do? I’m afraid because our relationship wasn’t very long I might be wasting my time on trying to get him back.
    Many thanks

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 1, 2018 at 12:25 am

      Hi Melanie!

      I am sorry your ex used a small argument to blow things up. You can still do NC and navigate around the Gym contacts. Indeed, you can potentially use the Gym unplanned contacts to your advantage. Go pick up my eBook so you have a big picture view of how all this fits together!

  17. Doreen Wee

    November 29, 2018 at 9:28 am

    Hi Chris,

    I am currently on my 22 days of NC but he didn’t contact me at all. I’m now kinda lost what should i do the next step. Could you please advise me? Thanks

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 30, 2018 at 3:00 am

      Hi Doreen…have you taken a look at my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” as it can really help in the self healing department!

  18. Ashley

    November 26, 2018 at 6:48 am

    Hello Chris,
    me and my boyfriend broke up on Wednesday.. it was pretty immature really. He went on thanksgiving break with his friends and I got very upset that he would not message me back or anything the entire night. His friends that were with him would talk to me and stuff but my boyfriend didn’t seem to care to talk to me, his excuse was “let me have fun with my friends”. I eventually got so heated and hurt that I said something very immature and regretful, I said “have fun being single” and I stopped sharing my location and he texted “stop” but ended up stopping sharing his location too. we texted in the morning and he said “you upset me really much, every time you get mad when I don’t call or text you” I then apologized and said I loved him and that I did not mean it at all, I just wanted a reaction tbh.. because when I sent that text about being single , he responded in seconds
    he then stopped talking to me the entire day.. (Thanksgiving). I texted him that day at night and said “baby I love you I’m sorry for what I said and I didn’t mean it” and then I said “if you don’t text me back I’m just gonna move on” and he texted me the next morning and just said “I just slept for 16 hours..”. after that I stopped talking to him and it has been about 4 days now (I didn’t even know that we were broken up because I got no closure, he told my friends that we broke up and thats it) and he just texted me saying ” Hey Ashley, I was just talking to my friend and I heard you miss dexter (our dog that we raised together. you are welcome to see him any time you want. I know he is your friend too.” It really made me mad because we still haven’t talked about our relationship, he just randomly brings up the dog. what does this mean? Im staying strong and holding on to the No Contact Rule but I was wondering if there was a meaning about this. is he just being stubborn or is he ready to already move on? We have dated for a year and a half and he cheated on my three months into our relationship but I took him back and we have had a great relationship with just minor bickering because we technically lived together. Thank you so much for your time. I appreciate it so much.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 26, 2018 at 11:10 pm

      Hi Ashley! Some guys can be notoriously pig headed and say and do stupid things. Lots of reasons for it. So yes, stay strong with NC and be sure you are implementing it the way I teach it.

  19. Brianna

    November 25, 2018 at 6:44 pm

    Do you think it is wise to tell them you are going into No contact? It has been a month since the breakup and there have been a lot of extenuating circumstances and back and forth with crazy families and between the two of us. We finally sat down and had a good conversation, there are things I need to fix and he and I have agreed we both don’t know what will happen in the future. We go to school together and have the same friends so I asked if we could remain friends and he said yes, as he knows I really don’t have anyone else. But I realize I need a no contact period to know I can do this alone. I told him that’s what I’m doing and he told me originally I can’t have 30 days without him in my life cause that’s shitty, but then after I told him why I needed it he agreed. Is this okay?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 25, 2018 at 7:21 pm

      Yes, sometimes that is a good idea Brianna. I talk about that in my eBook, The No Contact Rule Book (247 pages). Its really a function of many things to consider, but largely if the relationship history has been relatively positive, and communications has been good, then it may be the way to go.

  20. Jacques

    October 28, 2018 at 7:24 am

    My ex and I have been good friends for over 5 years, but only entered into an LDR a couple of months ago, when she told me she wanted me to be her boyfriend. I have already visited her and met her parents in the past, as just friends. I just spent a week visiting her, I met her extended family, we got physically intimate (which she initiated every step of the way), and had a wonderful time overall. The only real difference between this and our previous friendship was the physical intimacy and the underlying feelings of commitment and partnership. I’ve been in love with her for a long time, but I always tried to hold myself back until she opened up to me. At the end of the week, first thing in the morning, she told me she didn’t love me. That it was all forced. That all the physical contact felt ‘wrong’. That there was no hope in hell of me being her lover. But that she still wanted to be friends. I cried and screamed, I almost had a panic attack. She hugged me and told me she can’t lose me as a friend, as her best friend, but that she will never love me. Something just doesn’t add up. She was so forthcoming and showed me so much spontaneous physical affection. She looked so very happy. And then the very next morning she is crying and saying these things. Her mother seemed rather confused by her actions too. I have made it clear that staying friends will be incredibly hard, if not impossible for me, and her only hope is to take the time to formulate her feelings and tell me what repulsed her as explicitly as possible. Even then, I fear I am just hoping to make this work and don’t think we can ever stay friends. I truly wish we could, but I feel too committed to her as a life partner. Now I have told her she can take all the time she needs, and I await her message. Should I wait until we’ve talked these feelings over before commencing NCR or just go for it from the last message I sent her, which boiled down to “if you want any hope of us staying friends, take all the time you need to try and give me an explanation for this.”?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 28, 2018 at 5:10 pm

      Hi Jacques!

      It is an odd reaction from your ex….pushing you away in one respect, then pulling you in. Yes, I think you should wait to hear from her before implementing no contact. If you go the NC route later, consider picking up one of my eBooks to help you through this process. I have a lot of resources on my site, so please take advantage!

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