The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)

This is the ultimate guide in understanding how to use the No Contact Rule with your ex boyfriend

And I want to be very clear about something:

This isn’t some lame “does the no contact rule work?” post that I just slapped together in fifteen minutes.

With this Guide you’re going to learn everything that I’ve discovered from my 6+ years of working with clients who’ve used the no contact rule to success after a breakup.

So, if you’re looking to utilize no contact to help you through this difficult time then you’re going to love this guide.

Let’s dive right in.

How To Get Your Ex Back With The No Contact Rule

Get your ex back with no contact

If you want to use the no contact rule to get your ex back then there are really seven things that you need to grasp,

  1. Understand how this Radio Silence Principle Works!
  2. Figure out how long you should make use of this strategy of not contacting your ex boyfriend
  3. Implement this Non Communication Strategy by harnessing a two pronged approach
  4. Embark on “The Holy Trinity” during this period of avoiding your ex
  5. Understand the cases where you can break the No Contact Period early
  6. Know when NOT to use Radio Silence with your boyfriend
  7. Understand how these  important concepts link together and why staying disciplined is important

The end…

No, I’m just kidding.

Buckle up because this is going to be one heck of a ride teaching you everything you need to know to be a success.

1. Understand What The No Contact Rule Is All About

Understand what the no contact rule is.

If you are familiar with my work on Ex Boyfriend Recovery then you would know that I often like to compare getting an ex back to a puzzle.

It just so happens that the no contact rule is the largest piece of that puzzle.

 

What do you see?

puzzle-graphic
It’s a puzzle that is divided into two sections.

The top section

&

The bottom section

Now, let’s pretend that the top section of the puzzle is considered to be “the no contact rule” and the bottom part of the puzzle is considered to be the rest of the “ex recovery” strategy that I teach on this site.

puzzle-graphic-2

And in order to successfully get your ex back you need to merge the two puzzle pieces.

In other words, you can’t just rely on one side of the puzzle to do the work for you. I have noticed that over the years that people who come to this site always seem to be under the impression that all they need to do to win their ex back is implement the no contact rule.

That’s not true.

Yes, the no contact rule may, without a doubt, be the most important aspect of ex recovery but it isn’t going to get you over the finish line alone.

Why would I tell you this?

I want you to manage your expectations going in to reading this article. I want you to understand that there is still more work after this.

Now, I also don’t want to give off the impression that the no contact rule is easy.

It’s not.

But perhaps I should stop rambling and start explaining.

What Is The No Contact Rule?

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery (more on that in a second.)

Now, I said I was going to make this as easy as possible for you to understand so let’s break this definition down piece by piece.

Let’s start with this part,

Cut off all communication

There is nothing too out of the ordinary here.

Cutting off all communication means that you don’t talk to your ex at all in any way shape or form.

Well… this isn’t exactly true all the time (as I will teach you later) but for now just roll with it.

If your ex texts you, you ignore them.

If they call you… Yup, you ignore them.

Ignore..

Ignore…

IGNORE….

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

Ok, the next part of our definition is,

For a certain amount of time

Of course, in order to explain this I think we are actually going to have to move on to concept number two.

2. Figure Out How Long You Should Avoid Not Contacting Your Ex Boyfriend

figure out how long your no contact should be

One of the most popular questions that I get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is,

“Chris, how long should my no contact rule last for?”

It’s a good question because it depends wholly on your situation. You see, I used to claim that everyone should stick to a very basic 30 day rule. In other words, if you were going to try the no contact rule you should ignore your ex for a month.

But experience has taught me that this isn’t always the best practice.

For some situations 30 days may be too long and for others it may not be long enough.

That’s why you will see me recommending three different time frames when it comes to the no contact rule,

  1. The 21 Day Rule
  2. The 30 Day Rule
  3. The 45 Day Rule

Now, each of these rules have a different purpose.

So, what I would like to do now is help you determine which of these time frames is ideal for you.

(Side Note: There are pros and cons to each of these rules. So, consider everything before you pick one.)

The 21 Day Rule

The 21 day rule is the shortest rule that I am willing to recommend here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery. It’s perfect for those situations where you think your ex is going to freak out if you ignore them.

Let me give you an example.

Imagine that you were to use the no contact rule on your ex and you got a string of text messages that looked like this,

txt-1

I have found that it’s counter productive to continue ignoring an ex for too long when you are getting the type of messages you want to be seeing from them.

But that leads us to an interesting question.

What if you aren’t getting the type of responses you want to see from an ex?

What if they freak out but not in a good way?

text-2

Well, then the 21 day rule isn’t going to be ideal.

Instead, you may want to look into the 30 or 45 day rule.

Speaking of the 30 day rule…

The 30 Day Rule

The 30 day no contact rule is what I like to call the basic no contact rule.

In other words, it should be your ideal starting point.

Take a look at the graphic I put together for you below,

starting-point

This graphic is meant to represent what I want every person who does the no contact rule to do.

I want them to start off by doing a 30 day rule and then based on how their ex reacts to the no contact rule I want them to adapt.

So, let’s say that you are doing the no contact rule on your ex and you receive the positive messages that you received above with the 21 day rule,

txt-1

But this doesn’t just happen once.

No, this is the third time something like this has started to happen.

Well, in that case then you probably want to move your 30 day rule to a 21 day rule,

starting-point-copy

Of course, the opposite is true if you receive negative text messages.

If that ends up happening then you probably want to turn your 30 day rule into a 45 day rule,

starting-point-copy-2

Let’s move on and talk a little more in-depth about the 45 day no contact rule.

The 45 Day Rule

45 days is the longest I am willing to recommend for a no contact rule.

I know that may shock some of you who are familiar with what other experts recommend but there is a reason for why I don’t think a no contact period should ever last longer than 45 days.

On average how long do you think it takes a human being to break a habit?

According to research, 66 days.

So technically speaking it may only take your ex 66 days to get out of the habit of thinking about you. Now, can you imagine if you flat out ignored your ex for 90 days and then all of a sudden out of the blue you texted them.

Wouldn’t that be weird?

They may already be over you and you may not even have a chance at getting them back.

But lets move on from talking about time frames for a second and keep defining the no contact rule,

The No Contact Rule = The premise behind NC (no contact) is that you basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time facilitating a recovery,

Hmm… I think this one deserves it’s own section to be honest with you.

3. Implement The No Contact Rule With A Two Pronged Strategy

the two pronged a

The way I teach the no contact rule versus the way other experts out there teach it is a little different.

Take a look at the graphic below,

two-prongs

This is how I teach the no contact rule.

You see, the no contact rule gives everyone who uses it an opportunity to implement a two pronged strategy.

  • Prong One = Making An Ex Miss You
  • Prong Two = Facilitates Recovery

Lets talk about each of the prongs for a bit first.

Prong One (Making An Ex Miss You)

If you were to ask any person what their ideal outcome would be if they were to use the no contact rule it would be that their ex goes so crazy over being ignored that they want to get back together as soon as possible.

In other words, their ex would exhibit the behavior of someone who misses a lover.

And I am not going to lie, the no contact rule does do this.

This is one of the BIGGEST assets of implementing the no contact rule.

However, it’s rare for an ex to ask you to get back together so I wouldn’t really bank on it. What I will say is that the no contact rule can drastically increase the chances of making an ex miss you and their is scientific proof backing this up.

Have you ever heard of psychological reactance?

No?

“Psychological Reactance is defined as a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioral freedoms. Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or her choices or limiting the range of alternatives.”

Now, that may have been a lot to swallow if you weren’t a psychology major so allow me to break it down.

Psychological reactance assumes that there are a set number of freedoms that a person has. However, when one of those freedoms is taken away the person will react to it. Usually in a way where they try to reobtain that freedom.

So, let’s look at what’s happening here.

By ignoring your ex you are denying them certain freedoms (the freedom to talk to you.) So, according to psychological reactance they are going to react in a way to try to try to get that freedom back.

Think of it like this.

Let’s say I offer my daughter a cookie and she accepts it.

A simple premise, right?

Let’s shake things up.

Now let’s say that I offer my daughter a cookie and right when she reaches for it I end up taking it away and placing it on a nearby table.

(I am definitely a horrible parent 🙁 .)

What do you think she is going to do?

Well, she understands on a basic level that her freedom to have that cookie has just been taken away and she is going to do everything in her power to get it.

That’s psychological reactance at work.

Her freedom to have the cookie was just taken away and as a result she behaved in a way to get it back.

Prong Two (Facilitating A Recovery)

I am a little appalled of how little people talk about the second prong of the no contact rule.

Why?

Because in my opinion it’s the most powerful aspect of NC.

Think about it, in the end all you can do is influence your ex to feel a certain way. Truthfully, you don’t have any control over what they think or the actions they take.

However, when it comes to prong two you have complete control because prong two focuses heavily on you.

Think of it this way,

facilitate-recovery

By facilitating a recovery you are going to become more confident in yourself. As you grow more confident in yourself you are going to appear more attractive towards the people around you.

That includes your ex.

Such was the case for Natalie, the woman featured in episode of three of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast (https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/episode3/). You see, she ended up moving on a facilitated a recovery.

The result = Her ex ended up contacting her and hitting on her.

But this begs an interesting question.

How do you facilitate a recovery?

Well, you want to utilize what I call “The Holy Trinity.”

4. Embark On The Holy Trinity During The No Contact or Radio Silence Period

the holy trinity in no contact

It’s actually three things.

Health, wealth and relationships.

I’ll tell you what. I am going to go put together a report for you explaining this.

One sec….

Ok, here you go,

(Holy Trinity)

This book will explain the basics of “The Holy Trinity.”

In a nutshell, you can divide the most important aspects of your life into these three categories.

Well, during the no contact rule you want to only be doing things that positively impact these three aspects of your life.

I talk about this briefly in the holy trinity report.

But here’s something I don’t talk about in the report.

The three aspects of the holy trinity are interconnected. What affects one aspect will end up affecting the other aspects.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say that you lose your job. Thus, your “wealth” category is negatively impacted,

negative-wealth

Common sense, right?

But as a result of losing your job you become very depressed and your “mental health” becomes impacted,

negative-health

With your “mental health” compromised you begin to take your frustrations out on your significant other and as a result they break up with you,

negative-relationships

All in all, everything gets impacted negatively. It’s like quicksand. One bad thing happens and everything gets pulled down with it. However, if we are going to buy into this theory of everything being connected that also means that when something positive happens to one of the aspects everything else gets impacted as well in a positive way.

For example, let’s say that you start working out and look the best you have ever looked before,

positive-health

As a result you gain more confidence and end up doing great in a job interview and get a new job,

positive-wealth

With more confidence and a great new job word gets around and eventually reaches your ex who looks at you in a whole new light,

positive-relationships

What impacts one aspect of the holy trinity will impact the others in some way, shape or form. Remember this as you aim to facilitate your recovery. Now, I am going to talk a lot about the holy trinity when I talk about the “no contact rule” calendar later.

For now, let’s move on and talk about the other aspect of facilitating a recovery.

Facilitating A Recovery Within Your Ex

I have a simple question for you.

Do you think you will have a better chance of getting your ex back if they are angry at you or if they are a little calmer?

Calmer, right?

Well, the other great thing about facilitating your own recovery from the breakup is that it gives your ex a chance to facilitate their own recovery from the breakup.

Why do you want them to recover from the breakup?

Well, because it’s going to allow them to be more rational for when the time finally comes for you to reach out to them.

But we will talk about that later.

Now that you have a good idea of what the no contact rule entails let’s turn our attention to a very common question that we get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery,

“Can I ever break the no contact rule?”

5. Understand The Cases Where You Can Break No Contact Early

know when to break no contact early

This is one of those things that I constantly get asked.

Seriously, I must have been asked this at least 500 times.

Originally I was of the mindset that you shouldn’t ever break the no contact rule. In fact, I think if you go to (this article link) you will notice that I say just that. However, lets say you find yourself in a scenario where you are doing the no contact rule and your ex texts you with something like this,

i-want-you-back

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

Well, according to my earlier advice you wouldn’t be able to.

Do you see the flaw with that type of thinking?

I am all about adapting and updating which is why I no longer think it’s necessary to stay in a no contact rule given the right circumstances.

Now, the keyword there is “right circumstances.”

One of the sad facts that I have learned about the people who visit my website is that if I give them a little bit of leeway they will take advantage of that. In other words, if I sit here and tell you that you can break the no contact rule early an idea gets planted in your head where you may potentially look for any reason to break it early.

Which is why I am very strict about the rules you can utilize to break the no contact rule early.

There are seven factors that you need to look at when determining whether or not you can break the no contact rule early.

Those seven factors are,

  1. How long you were in the relationship with your ex for?
  2. How many days have passed since you started the no contact rule?
  3. How many times have you broken up with this person before?
  4. Where are you in your own personal recovery?
  5. What was the cause of the break up?
  6. Who initiated the break up?
  7. How many positive communications have you received from your ex since starting the no contact rule?

Let’s take each data point and talk a bit about it.

I believe you will be better prepared to make a decision on which “road” to take, if you understand each piece of the puzzle. Only then can you fit them together and see what picture emerges.

You see, there is a synergistic relationship between these 7 data points. They need to be evaluated and considered together as a whole.

Sort like the 3 Musketeers!

(Even though D’Artagnan is never counted.)

You know…one for all and all for one!

Except in this case, we have the 7 Musketeers!

Factor One: How Long Were You In A Relationship With Your Ex For?

This can be a useful data point because if you have been involved with your Ex for a lengthy period of time, then this history between the two of you should give you some valuable insight on how to approach the situation.

If the history reveals a relationship plagued with many conflicts and multiple breakups, then you should take note of this pattern. It is probably telling you something. You may benefit more from staying on course with your No Contact strategy.

Then we have the situation in which the relationship was only weeks or a few months in duration.

Relatively speaking, that is not a very long time to build a solid foundation.

Breaking up after such a short time, suggests that something is not working out for one or both partners. In such a situation, making an exception and ending your No Contact is probably not a good idea.

Maybe things will work out.

Maybe not.

But I would think long and hard before breaking off the No Contact.

Factor Two: How many days have passed since you started the no contact rule?

If you hear from your ex on day 5 of your No Contact Period, it may be too early to make an exception.

While not a “deal breaker”, since all of these data points need to be considered as a whole, you should know that your ex reaching out to you so soon may be more to do with their “rebound emotions”.

You both may need more time to sort things out on your own, before you try to do it together.

Now on the other hand, if your ex reaches out to you on day 26 of your 30 day No Contact Period, I would be inclined to recommend you consider ending “No Contact” and exploring what is on their mind.

Unless, of course, your ex was spewing some nasty venom.

Which leads us to the next factor.

Factor Three: What Is Your Track Record With Your Ex?

If you guys have had multiple breakups in the past, then it probably is not in your best interest to make an exception.

The on again, off again relationship cycle is not healthy.

Where on the other hand, if you guys have been pretty solid in the past, that bodes well for your future.

Maybe you can cut short your No Contact Period on the strength of this factor and other data points.

Factor Four: Where Are You In Your Personal Recovery

Are you truly ready to talk to your ex again?

How much time has gone by since you last spoke?

How far along are you in your No Contact Period?

The more time that has gone by, the better, because it takes TIME to heal.

Have you been able to set aside the angry and resentful feelings you may have had following the breakup?

Do you feel you have progressed emotionally in other ways?

Are your drawing closer to becoming the best version of yourself?

Can you honestly say you have learned something meaningful about yourself?

These are the kind of things you need to think about. The last thing you want is to try to re-enter your relationship when your wounds have not healed.

Factor Five: What Caused The Breakup

If your ex cheated on you, then I am not an advocate of ending the No Contact Period early. Not unless all of the other Data Points are strongly and positively in place.

When weighing whether an exception should be made, one really needs to put a lot of weight on what caused the breakup.

Ask yourself, how severe and ugly was the ending of the relationship?

The more severe, the longer one should stay with No Contact. Breakups can be damaging and both parties need to time heal.

All breakups are going to hurt, no matter the degree of severity.

But it is usually easier to spring back from breakups if they did not cause considerable spite, anger, and hate.

Factor Six: Who Initiated The Breakup

The forces of “personal power” play a role during and after the relationship.

If you initiated the breakup, you have more personal power, at least on this matter.

But be careful with power.

It can go straight to your head in a matter of speaking, but you may not be thinking with the right side of your brain.

If you are feeling really cocky and confident about this new development of your ex reaching out to you, you may not be in the right place “emotionally” to properly gauge your situation.

Now, if your ex initiated the breakup and is now reaching out, you still need to weigh things carefully. On its surface, it may appear that the balance of personal power has swayed to your favor. Perhaps, your ex realizes they made a mistake.

Just tread carefully. In other words,

You Initiating The Breakup > Your Ex Initiating The Breakup

Factor Seven: How Many Positive Communications Did You Receive?

I saved the best and most important data point, for last! This is why I call it the Golden Factor.

What you should be looking for are multiple positive messages sent by your ex to you. One attempt to communicate, even if it’s made in the most positive way, is usually not enough, particularly if the other data points are not favorable.

When an ex reaches out to you and tells you something really nice and pleasant, that demonstrates good faith. If it is repeated, that shows the person probably really cares. If you receive a few more communications, that demonstrates a persistence.

As long as those messages sent to you have a positive energy, that bodes well for you.

Now if you get bombarded with negative message after negative message, to a point where it seems like your ex is obsessing….well, that is not a good thing.

If that happens, I would suggest you ignore those many obsessive contacts.

Positive contact can come in multiple forms.

It could be text messages. It could be emails. It could be phone messages. It could be old fashioned letters. It could be a message in a bottle. It could be a bouquet of flowers or a gift with a card.

Hell, it can even be on Facebook or Snapchat.

The main thing is that such messages need to number more than one.

They need to be positive, friendly and respectful. And they need to occur within a brief period of time (e.g. over a few days, perhaps over a week).

What if they show up at your door?

Don’t fall for it the first time around. Be nice and tell them you need more time. If this happens a few times and your ex conducted themselves respectfully, well, an exception may be in order.

Remember, I said it may be in order! You need to look at all of the data points and judge whether you wish to end your No Contact Period.
Is there any magic number of data points which have to be met, before you make an Exception?

Yes, and that leads me to my next point.

The Rule Of Four

Do you remember above when I mentioned that if I give people too much leeway they will take advantage of it and look for any excuse to break the no contact rule.

Well, that’s what the rule of four is meant for.

There are a total of seven factors that you need to look at if you are considering ending the no contact rule early. Well, what if I told you that you only needed four of those factors to break it.

It’s just that one of those factors has to be the “golden factor,”

The Golden Factor = Receiving Multiple Positive Communications From Your Ex

For example, let’s say that you have checked off every other factor except the golden one.

Are you allowed to break the no contact rule?

No, the golden factor is essential for breaking no contact early.

But what if you have the golden factor but you don’t get any of the other factors?

Can you break no contact?

No, obtaining three other factors is just as essential as obtaining the golden factor.

That’s the rule of four.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

6. Know When NOT To Use The No Contact Principle

when NOT to use the no contact rule

This is where things tend to get a bit more complicated. You see, in addition to understanding the rules for breaking the no contact rule early (which I am just going to tell you upfront is very rare) you will also need to understand that there are going to be certain situations that you may find yourself that will require you to alter the no contact rule.

Now, altering a no contact rule is completely different than breaking it.

What’s the difference?

Altering No Contact = You are still technically under the no contact period you just might be playing with a slightly different set of rules.

Breaking No Contact = You should be advancing to the next phase of the strategy to get your ex back.

Now, there are actually a lot of different situations that may make you alter your no contact rule BUT I don’t have the time to list out each and every one of them.

Instead, I thought that it would be best if I just listed out the most common alterations I see people having to make,

  • If Children Are Involved
  • If You Work With Them
  • If You Live With Them
  • If You Go To School With Them
  • If You Unexpectedly Run Into Them
  • The Item Exchange

Now, since this is Ex Boyfriend Recovery and we are committed to creating the best content in the world relating to exes we are going to go above and beyond for you by teaching you the alterations you are going to have to make for each of these situations.

Let’s start from the top.

The Alterations You Need To Make If Children Are Involved

This is always a difficult situation to alter because more often than not if you and your ex share a child you are going to be living together (which we will talk about next.)

So, rather than addressing what to do about the living situation let’s talk about what to do if you decide to use the no contact rule on your ex and they send you something like this,

child-text

Oh, and in case you couldn’t read between the lines “Carter” is your kid.

How do you deal with this?

Ok, here is my rule for when it comes to communicating about kids during no contact.

The Rule: You can break no contact to talk about the kids and that’s it. After you interaction about the kids is over you are going right back into no contact.

Pretty simple, right?

Well, things get a bit more complicated when you take into account that more often than not if you share a child with your ex you are probably living together.

How the hell are you supposed to handle no contact?

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Work With Your Ex

There are two words I want you to get very familiar with.

Strictly Business!

Now, it’s important to remember that the goal here isn’t to p*ss off your ex and that can definitely happen if you work together and completely ignore him. Instead, I don’t want you to initiate any conversations with him. Let him initiate all the conversations and if he does then keep the conversation short and sweet.

The only fly in the ointment, so to speak, is if your have to communicate due to a work related activity.

In that case make sure the scope of the conversation is STRICTLY BUSINESS!

In other words, if you are talking about something business related that is completely fine but if he veers off and starts talking about something “non business related” then I want you to subtly redirect him to talking about business.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Live With Your Ex

I am just going to be blunt with you.

The no contact rule is always going to be more effective if you aren’t living with your ex. That’s just the way it is and anyone who tells you anything differently is lying straight to your face.

BUT the no contact rule can still be effective if you live with the person so don’t go into a depression just yet.

It’s just that it isn’t going to be as effective.

So, what’s the rule regarding living with your ex?

The Rule: If it’s possible move out.

Now, the keyword that you want to look at there is “IF IT’S POSSIBLE.”

If moving out isn’t an option then don’t do it. Don’t worry, I have a specific strategy that you should employ but before I let you in on that I want to put my money where my mouth is.

Meet Jessica,

jessica

Jessica is someone who I personally worked with on Facebook.

I advised her to enter into a 21 day no contact period and also to move out of the house she was staying at with her ex boyfriend.

She did exactly what I said and when it was all said and done she had her ex chasing her and begging for her back. Oh, and he proposed.

This alteration produces results.

But let’s say that you can’t move out. Let’s say it’s not an option.

What do you do then?

Simple, you are going to act as cordial as possible when you do see your ex so they don’t think you are a d*ck but you NEVER want to start a conversation. Hmm…. perhaps this would work better as an example.

Ok, let’s pretend that you are dating me!

(I’m pretty awesome, I know!)

We are living together and you decide you want to utilize the no contact rule.

One day I come home from work (because in this example I am a high powered business man 😉 ) and I look pretty stressed. Every fiber of your being is going to want to ask me a simple question,

“Are you ok?”

Or

“How was your day?”

But you aren’t allowed to.

Why?

Because you are in the midst of a no contact rule.

Now let’s answer one of the most asked questions I get about this situation.

Let’s say that instead of me looking stressed and angry when I come home that particular day I look pretty happy and I even go as far as to ask you how your day was.

What do you do?

Most women make the mistake of thinking that they should ignore their exes at this point.

That’s a mistake because that will just create more animosity between the two of you and that’s the last thing we want. Instead, the best way to handle this situation is to engage me in a conversation but keep it short and sweet.

The idea is not to linger too long.

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Go To School With Your Ex

Out of all the alterations I talk about in this section this is probably the easiest one to grasp.

In fact, the alteration here pretty much boils down to two steps.

Step One: Avoid your ex

Step Two: If it’s impossible to avoid them then keep it short and sweet

So, let’s talk about these steps really quick.

I want you to avoid your ex at school at all costs. Yes, I realize some mumbo jumbo expert out there may disagree with me but believe me when I say that this is for your own good.

Why?

Well, because I have often found that people will look for any conceivable excuse to “bump into their exes.”

But let’s assume you are in a situation where “step one” is impossible.

Let’s say that you are in the exact same class as your ex and it’s pretty much impossible to avoid them. Well, in that case I want you to keep everything short and sweet.

What do I mean by that?

Well, for starters I don’t want you to start any conversations with your ex. However, let’s say that your ex starts a conversation with you (like my example above when you live with an ex.)

Well, keep everything short and sweet.

Engage them but don’t engage them fully.

Be nice but not too nice.

Short and sweet.

That’s the name of the game.

The Alterations You Need To Make If You Unexpectedly Run Into Them

Imagine for a moment that you are walking down the street and all of a sudden you see your ex…

You panic…

You get that deer in the headlights look…

And you pull a “kramer,”

a-kramer

Now, do you think that is the proper way to utilize the no contact rule in this situation?

No…

Absolutely not.

Instead, the correct move here is to walk up to your ex, say hi and leave it at that.

Less is more…

Now, before we move on to the final alteration I do have one thing to say. DON’T GO LOOKING TO RUN INTO YOUR EX ON PURPOSE! If you do that and they catch on to what you are doing then without a doubt you are going to appear to be desperate and that is going to have the opposite effect of what you are supposed to do.

Alterations You Need To Make For An Item Exchange

Ah, and here it is…

The ultimate no contact question that I get asked on pretty much a daily basis.

“Chris, am I allowed to break the no contact rule if my ex has items that I want back?”

 

“What about if my ex asks me for their things?”

Ok, let’s tackle the easy one first.

If your ex asks for their things back then you have to give them their stuff back. No if’s, ands or buts about it.Therefore, you are allowed to break the no contact rule but just in this one instance. After the items are exchanged then I want you to go right back into the no contact rule.

How do you handle the interaction when you are exchanging things?

Good question.

Generally you want it to be short and sweet.

This isn’t a time to linger and relive the worst or best parts of your relationship.

Get in, exchange items and get out.

Simple…

Now, lets tackle the more difficult question.

What if your ex has something of yours that you want back. How do you handle that?

Well, the first question I would ask you is how important is it to you?

If we are talking “toothbrush level” type stuff then I think you can live without it and should probably stay in the no contact rule.

But what if it’s something of grave importance to you?

Something like your mothers ashes… Well, then you have my permission to break the no contact rule to get them back.

Fun Fact: Did you ever see the Malcolm in The Middle episode where the babysitter is fighting with her ex over her mothers ashes (I did obviously 😉 .)

7. Understand These Important Concepts To Stay Disciplined During The No Contact Rule

Stay disciplined by doing these things

Now that you have a pretty good idea of how the no contact rule works I want to move on to the next step.

There is a philosophy that I want you to adopt.

It’s called “Dating Yourself.”

In fact, I did a whole interview with a dating coach named Veronica Grant where she pretty much summed up “dating yourself” better than I ever could,

(In case you don’t have the patience to watch the entire interview here is her summarization of “dating yourself,”)

Dating yourself is kind of what it sounds like. Doing things for yourself that you would either want or expect your significant other to do for you. So, it can be things like buying yourself flowers, writing yourself a love note, taking a hot bubble bath, taking yourself out for a drink or for a nice dinner but really the deeper essence of it is making yourself feel how you want to feel on your relationship.

Now, I am absolutely in love with this idea, especially during the no contact rule.

Why?

Well, it kind of serves as a gauntlet for weeding out the people who aren’t serious about getting their exes back and simply want to move on. And that’s a great thing because usually half the battle is finding a way to get on the right path.

So, how does this “gauntlet effect” work?

The Gauntlet Effect

It’s hard to admit (because I was a young buck when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery) but I have been doing this for over half a decade. But most of the people who come to this website want one thing and one thing only,

They want to get their exes back.

And I feel I have certainly catered to those people a lot (Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO anyone?)

But sometimes a person comes to me with a horrifying story that makes me think,

“Hmm… maybe you shouldn’t get back with your ex.”

And being me, I usually verbalize my thoughts without thinking a lot of time.

Now, usually when I tell someone this they are very respectful and often times they agree with me. However, when it comes time for them to take specific actions revolving around getting over their ex they actually do the opposite.

Now, after five years of his happening to me I have finally wised up to what’s going on.

Nothing I say will convince a person otherwise and I have simply decided to let people go through their own process (because sometimes that’s what it takes for them to realize their ex is not the right fit for them.)

Ah, but that’s where “The Gauntlet Effect” comes into play.

By utilizing the “date yourself” philosophy during the no contact rule you are essentially putting yourself in a gauntlet to see if you are still interested in your ex by the end of the no contact rule.

Allow me to explain in more detail.

Let’s pretend that you are doing a 30 day no contact rule and you decide that on top of utilizing the “two prongs” that I talked about above you are going to also utilize the “date yourself” philosophy.

And while you are dating yourself you come to the realization that,

“Hmm… my ex never treated me as good as I am treating myself right now..”

And pretty soon this singular thought evolves into,

“I don’t think I want him back.”

Well, that’s the gauntlet effect in play right there. It essentially helps you determine what you really want going forward. Of course, if you come out the other end of the gauntlet and you still want your ex back then you absolutely positively have my permission to do everything in your power to get him back.

I suggest this is the best place to start

Of course, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves now.

WARNING: Most People Who Try The No Contact Rule End Up Failing It

I think I may have mentioned this before but it never hurts to re-iterate.

The odds aren’t in your favor to successfully make it through the no contact rule. In fact, I would say that the vast majority of people I have met have ultimately ended up failing at the no contact rule.

Now, what does that mean?

Well, usually that means that you decide to do a period of no contact and somewhere during that period you end up contacting your ex.

And it’s easy to understand why.

We live in a digital age where temptation is all around us.

I mean, think about it.

How tempting would it be to check your exes Facebook profile?

What about check and see the last time they logged into WhatsApp?

Of course, it’s my job to ensure that you don’t fail at the no contact rule so here’s what I have decided to do for you. I have put together a list of the very best ways that you can safely remove temptation. In other words, if you do the following things then your chances of successfully completing the no contact rule will drastically increase.

  • Getting A Friend To Hold The Number
  • Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time
  • Keeping A Journal
  • Unfollow On Facebook

Let’s talk a little about each of these initiatives.

Getting A Trusted Friend To Hold Onto Your Exes Number

Now, I am not going to lie to you.

This one is a bit flawed.

But more on that in a second. For now, let’s just grasp what this initiative is.

Essentially the way this works is that you write your exes number down on a piece of paper and then you erase that number from your phone. After that, you take the piece of paper to a trusted friend and tell them not to give it to you until your 21 – 45 days are up.

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“I get it and everything but what’s the flaw?

Well, let’s say that I am the trusted friend who you gave your exes number to. And let’s say that your ex contacts you at some point. It will probably still show up on your phone but just as a number you don’t recognize.

Nevertheless, I have seen this method work for a lot of women who have tried it so it isn’t without it’s merits.

Making Yourself So Busy You Don’t Have Time

I am a big fan of this one.

Why?

Well, because IF you do the no contact rule the way that I am recommending you to do it then this is going to happen naturally.

Think about it…

The holy trinity…

Dating yourself…

These are things that are meant to keep you buys and most importantly keep your mind off of your ex which is a HUGE problem we are facing. So, the idea here is that you keep yourself so busy that you don’t even have time to contact your ex.

Now, I realize that it’s unrealistic of me to say,

“Ok, as long as you just make yourself busy you won’t ever have time to contact your ex.”

That’s not true.

If someone is motivated enough they will always find time.

But here is the point I want to hammer home for you.

As long as you couple this strategy with a few others you should be golden.

Keeping A Journal

I have to admit that I can’t take credit for this one. This is the brain child of my wife.

So, the way this works is that you go out and buy a journal. Now, the thing about this journal is that it’s only meant for the no contact rule. In other words, this is your no contact rule journal 😉 .

Ok, lame joke aside you are going to utilize this journal to write down your feelings during the no contact rule.

It’s a way to exercise how you are feeling and also a way to prevent yourself from contacting your ex.

Now, let’s say you are going along down the no contact rule and all of a sudden you get this urge to contact your ex. It’s overwhelming and your fingers are literally on the phone typing in their name.

Well, instead of doing that you are going to pull out your journal and write down how you are feeling.

Write down what you want to write…

Write down how angry and upset you are…

Get it all out.

Get it all out until you don’t feel the urge to contact them anymore.

Unfollow Your Ex On Facebook

Notice how I said “unfollow” and not “unfriend”

Believe it or not there is a difference between the two.

Unfollow:

unfollow

Basically by unfollowing your ex they won’t show up in your feed anymore. Now, if you want more details on why I recommend not to fully unfriend your ex then I recommend going here.

So, that’s going to do it for my epic guide on the no contact rule?

What do you think?

Are you confused about anything?

Do you need help with anything?

We would love to hear from you in the comments below!

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Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter

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6329 Comments on "The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)"

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Aisha
Guest
I’m a student and I can’t buy your pro package as of yet so I’m just using your website here for help. I’ve just started the no contact rule a few days ago with my ex who studies in a different city but is in the same city as mine during his vacations. He’s going to be here in a few days for his vacations for a month and a half and that’s the only time I’ll probably be able to meet him because he’ll leave after that. But that means breaking the NCR. Should I continue with the rule… Read more »
Renee
Guest

I broke no contact, a little. I ran into him at a bar and briefly spoke to him and his friend. It might have been 10 words total and it was about a giveaway at another bar. I’m 21 days in. No texting. I usually just ignore him if I see him out but I had to walk right past him and he and his friend were both looking right at me. Do I have to start over? What do I do?

Serene
Guest

RCMA powder

Hi Chris! I broke no contact at Day 25… eversinced he dumped me he has been viewing every single one of my snapchat stories… I reached out with a light hearted message,he responded immediately & after exchanging afew messages, he went silent again. I didnt bring up the breakup.
I didnt chase text nor tried to chat further.
It has been 24hrs & although he continue viewing my snap stories, he didnt text me… what should I do?

Serene
Guest
Hi Chris Thank U! I did get your ebooks. The main issue here i’m perplexed about is when i broke no contact & reached out to him, his response was immediate,friendly & happy. Then when I told him we can chat via whatsapp instead of snapchat if he wants (we always do during our course of the relationship) he stopped responding. In our previous quarrels before the break up when we get back into communication, he’ll always text back via whatsapp. Why the pull back? He doesnt want to reconnect further? I find it stupid when i have already reached… Read more »
Serene
Guest
We have been on long distance through out our relationship. There isnt physical memories for him to hold onto. All are emotional connection & memories. I reached out to him with a picture of an old bear because we both own our childhood bears. Do I go into No Contact again & let him reach out this time or how long more do I try again? To be honest it got me feeling abit shitty reaching out to have him react like that. I rather he had cut me out or ignore me totally… at least I have a closure.… Read more »
Serene
Guest
Hi Chris, i just found out the other guy chasing is a catfish… it made me deepen the feelings i have for my ex even more. The current situation remains that when I reach out he is very responsive but he deliberately limit conversations & let it go cold. I wanted to ask him if he feels that i’m bugging him and wants me to back off but that’ll come across as pushy? It feels like he has lost the attraction & our hard built connection over almost a year is now gone 🙁 every step i take now i… Read more »
Serene
Guest

If feelings aint dissipating, why is he pulling back & limiting communication? He didnt make use of the opportunity to reconnect after I reached out. Why is this so? And also is it possible to do a 1 on 1 session with u & i noticed we need to pay to be on your FB group, is it a 1 time payment? Thank u 🙂

Jay
Guest

Hey! Is jay here again!!
Just want to know if I should break NC rule to tell her that I understand the reason of the break up and hen do 21 days of NC and get her back? Or should I keep going with the NC rule because I just stop talking to her like that…. and I don’t know it weird that I just stop talking to her! So what should I do…

Emma
Guest
Hey! So I bought the ebook on this topic and noticed it said to let your ex know before you initiate the NC. I already started the NC about a week ago, we broke up about 2 weeks ago. My ex had texted me and I ignored it. In return he got mad and now he hasn’t said one word to me. We’re still living together so it’s really awkward. Should I talk to him and explain what I’m doing? I can tell he thinks I’m a complete b- for ignoring him after I was talking to him for a… Read more »
Jess
Guest
So my ex boyfriend and I had an argument about a week ago and my ex wanted a break and so I gave him a week and after I texted and asked him what he was thinking and told me he wanted to break up. We broke up on Sunday and we have been together for 4+ years long distance and he’s 21 and I’m 24. His reasons for breaking up were he didn’t feel appreciated, the long distance, and I wanted to stay a life together already but he says he can’t give me that yet since he’s only… Read more »
Naj
Guest
I’ve been in an on/off relationship with my boyfriend for a year. Reason was because of his vices (drinking/smoking). He wasn’t like that before so we would always fight and then break up but also recover again. But just last week, he began to be treating me so cold, that he wasn’t even texting me. I confronted him last week Wednesday and asked what’s happening. We talked personally and he said that he just wanted to end our relationship. It was the first time that he initiated the break up. I cried so much that night in front of him,… Read more »
Naj
Guest

I have been browsing your website and I’m starting to make a plan now. But what if he already erased all our pictures in his Instagram account? I think the reason is the girl already started following his IG. So that means he doesn’t want her to know that there’s a chance between us, right? I’m kinda getting hopeless. Help pls.

Naj
Guest
Hi Chris. I’ve been following your guide for 2 weeks now- No contact and trying to be active in my social media sites. And I came back because my ex just started to like my posts/pictures. And he just chatted me now saying he wanted me to block him on all my social sites. I think it’s the point of his realization now. I can honestly say that I was his comfort and being gone even just for a while made him realize my worth. I haven’t replied to him yet since I want to stay committed to my 30… Read more »
Angelica
Guest

I only saw him because I went to his house to see if we could eat back together he didn’t want to see me at all help me please

Angelica
Guest
Hello okay me and my ex have technically been broken up for 6 weeks but we were still in contact here and there I saw him about a week ago and he ended things really bad so I told myself I was going to move on but I kinda want to do this no contact rule it’s been a week and no contact no text nothing from him when the 30 days are up what do you do ? And how do I know if I should hit him up after or not if he never reaches out I miss… Read more »
Serene
Guest

What does it mean when your ex dumped u but still view every single of your snapchat stories? I understand for snapchat stories you have to click manually for the story to be able to view it. I’m currently on week 4 of no contact with him. HELP! I want him back for another try

Serene
Guest

Thank You Chris. We were in an LDR for 9mths & have plans to meet within this year but things turned sour & we broke up. I’m on Day 23 of No contact. He hasnt done much other than viewing all my snapchat stories… I want to try to work things out with him again till at least we meet & see if the chemistry is there. What should I do? How long should NC be?

McKayla
Guest
My boy friend and I had a friends with benefits type of relationship for almost two years when we were in college together. Then as we both moved out of state, him back home to Florida and me to California he asked me to be his girl friend. It has only been a few months of trying a LDR and we already have broken up. I initiated the break up because of trust issues. Then he became angry with me for “setting him up” (I had a friend he didn’t know message him on social media to see if he… Read more »
Anna
Guest

Hi, I’m not sure this would work in my situation. We are LDR and he broke up with me 4 days ago and is supposed to come see me in Argentina in 21 days… He has his flights booked plus he was supposed to bring me things I needed (I forgot a important admin documents upon arriving here). I want to iniate no contact and haven’t answered his last text but how do I handle not knowing if he is going to come or not ? How do I plan things ? We’ve been together for a year.

Soph
Guest
My ex ended it. I begged and pleaded so much he says he never wants to see me again. Blocked me on social media and we don’t talk. I have done no contact for a couple of weeks. I got sexually assaulted while out a couple of days ago. My ex is stationed in a different country but I just want him to hold me. He is the only person I want to see. Should I tell him what has happened? I need to get away from everything at home right now and just want to see him. But I… Read more »
Soph
Guest

I felt silly at how soon it was. It has only been a few days. Like a week of no contact. Does this change anything? Will contacting him end badly and mean we never get back together?

Soph
Guest

How should I go about contacting him then? I don’t want to ruin any chance I have. How do I go about ending no contact so soon and saying I want to get a plane to see him?

Soph
Guest

After the assault. How do I even break no contact so soon? Less than a week of it! I really annoyed him to the point he never wants to see me again. So how can I possibly break no contact and ask to see him without ruining my chances of getting him back?

Lynda
Guest
I’m wondering if this would work for my situation. After a year of being together through long distance for a few months and scares visits afterwards about once or twice a month, he decided that there was no real time to have a relationship being that he’s focused on his career and was not going to change his mind. This came up very unexpectedly being that I too am developing with my career and was 100 percent down to make thing work through both our busy life styles. He made it seem like this decision was what was best for… Read more »
Maria
Guest

Ex and I broke up 3 days ago. We’ve been talking normally, even telling each other we still love each other, and miss each other, etc.

How should I initiate no contact? Do I just do it? Do I write him a letter? Is it too late?

Britney
Guest
So I have 3 days to go on the no contact 30 days, and he sent me a text today saying he was back in town, and had the tv cord for me (I’ve already gone and gotten one so I don’t need it). I do not want to screw this up, I was planning on possibly going the full 45 days, but with his text now, I’m curious if you would recommend that or have me break it at 30 days. .I should mention we were together for 4 years almost, lived together. We both got our own places,… Read more »
Little Star
Guest
My boyfriend and I got into a fight last last Thursday and he said he wanted a break. We didn’t talk over the weekend and I couldn’t wait anymore so I showed up at his work last Monday to talk to him. He got extremely mad that I just showed up and he wanted to break up. Said he doesn’t want to marry me (my mom has been pressuring us saying I have to be married by 28) and he said he’s not IN LOVE with me anymore, only just loves/cares about me. I was crying like crazy and basically… Read more »
Mochi
Guest

Hello! What if my ex’s grandma passed away recently and I sent his family flowers (maybe i shouldn’t have) and he reached out to me and said thanks. Do i ignore? (We broke up last Monday, he reached out today.)

Lili
Guest
We were doing a long distance relationship and everything was fine then suddenly in Oct he said he didnt want a long term relationship and that he likes me but he doesnt want to be a couple. After that he kept messaging me but it was never enough. I felt very insecure and tried to do no contact but failed multiple times. We started argueing alot and he often thought i was purposely made him jealous or upset and i wanted him was to show he cared. In the end he said he was bored and dont contact him anymore… Read more »
Lili
Guest
I used to be a really fun person but during this NC period ..I havent’t been going out much..and I still think about him all the time which i know is wrong. Even when i went out on dates i would come home feeling worse. I keep thinking i should have done the no contact much earlier before he got fedup of me and ask me to forget about him Remember you wrote that there was only 2 ppl you blocked in your life and 1 was your ex that was too toxic even though you still had feelings for… Read more »
lily
Guest

So he surprisingly responded to my text after the no contact period..but it was very careful and neutral…just answered to my question and says he hopes im doing well too. I responded all is well and i got a new job..hooray! And he replied ahh..well done! But he never ask me any other question. He still watches my ig stories even though i have unfollowed him. I am afraid though he has lost feelings for me and I dont know if I should try to start another conversation. What do you think of his response?

Lili
Guest

Hi chris thanks for the reply..
What do you mean by this Change your ig stories to “follow” (nice overture)
When we fought i am no longer following is ig and friends on facebook. Should i make the first move and make the request?

Annie
Guest

What if he doesn’t contact you at all? Does that mean NC is t working (referring to “Prong One”)?

Jennifer Seiter
Editor
Hi Annie, The fact that he hasn’t reached out during no contact is a neural sign. It doesn’t mean you can’t get him back. I’d say out of all of my success stories around 50%+ of them didn’t get a message from their ex during no contact. You have to remember men can be stubborn and if he broke up with you it could be damaging to his ego to reach out first. The no contact gives him time to think about you and gives you a chance to become happy with yourself again which builds a stronger foundation for… Read more »
Pizza
Guest
Will NC rule work if I begin it 4-5 months after the breakup? We have been trying to be friends for the last 4-5 months but he keeps sending me mixed signals. He started dating someone about 2 months ago (actually asked her out because he was mad at me) but keeps messaging me saying how I made him happier and how he still loves me but the reasons for ending it still stand. LDR… Our conversations kept getting volatile as he kept bringing the past up and even flirted with me despite seeing someone else. Will NC and working… Read more »
Pizza
Guest
There were three periods (2 initiated by me) of about 6-10 days of silence on both parts but mostly just bickering and arguing over the past and why the relationship failed some reminiscing that led to him hitting on me (hot then cold) even though Ive told him that wasnt doing us any good (besides i believe he’s in a rebound I believe) im on day 5 of NC and at midnight he contacted a common friend and was like (Well she defenitly doesnt want to know me anymore) and began complaining about the whys the relationship ended even claimed… Read more »
Carly
Guest
Unintentionally started the no contact rule this past Tuesday (so, it’s been 3 days). I’m 100% confident that sometime soon, he will need to reach out to set up a time to come and grab some of his personal belongings. He left my house (together for 2 years, living together for 14 mos) with a mere laundry basket of clothing and some odds & ends. Does the NC clock restart after we’ve had contact around collecting his belongings? Also, different topic: we definitely consider our relationship w/ one another to be the single most special relationship that either of us… Read more »
Jennifer Seiter
Editor

No, you do not have to restart no contact with the exchange of belongings. Yes I think you can still get back together. I’ve heard these things often with the clients I’ve coached and many of them are back together.

Carly
Guest
A friend of mine texted him when he found out that we had broken up and said all women are crazy, but that I was perfect for him. My ex texted this friend back saying that it was a very tough breakup but really needed to happen. I get the sense that he has 100% moved on. Our next step is having him come and get his stuff. When a man seems THAT resolved and appears to have made his mind up without question, do you ever see those types come back around after the NC rule. I could see… Read more »
Jennifer Seiter
Editor

First, I’m just going to through this out there, do not let your friends get involved in this. To much could go wrong.

Restart your no contact from the point that the friend sent that text because that is like an extentsion of you reaching out. When he gets his stuff that will not count as breaking the no contact rule as long as your aloof and not emotional.

To answer your question, Yes I’ve seen men come back around that have said and done worse then your ex.

Veronica
Guest
We were together for 4.5 years with the last 1.5 years being long distance. Prior to this we had 3 v happy years but during the long distance we unravelled. He ended it 3 months ago as he felt we couldn’t get back on track long distance. During that time we’ve spoken every day and he came to see me a month ago unexpectedly for a visit. We had a nice lunch together and he left. He then for two weeks straight seemed to be reconsidering the position and talking about making a plan to get back together and living… Read more »
Veronica
Guest

Thanks Chris. And how long do you suggest? 21 or 30?

Chiller
Guest
Hi my 60 year old boyfriend broke up with me because he said he felt choked by my anxiety and that I don’t challenge him enough I just kind of do what he wants because it doesn’t matter to me as long as we are together. we had a great relationship to my knowledge, lots of fun, we talk about everything, fantastic sex life, he is my best friend also, Started the no contact he contacted me and I couldn’t help myself I replied and I started NC over again he started liking my tweets. My question is can I… Read more »
Chiller
Guest

I made it through a week, Last night he sent me a couple messages telling me about his day when I didn’t reply he then said Just checking in with a thumbs up. I also didn’t mention that I am 39 years old, I really miss him.

Chiller
Guest

Omg I think I messed up, I saw him in a club and totally ignored him because I thought the NC meant NC, I did that twice this weekend and now I’m afraid he will think I hate him and move on.
I tried to purchase your product so I can fix this but I think my card was declined. He did like one of my tweets after that sp I’m not sure what to do or think. I feel like I’m losing him

Chiller
Guest
Finally got the guide and started using the advice last night he did something very unusual for him last night he posts a song on FB Josh Krajcik Let Me Hold You and an hour later he posts Madison Ryan Ward Mirror wording in this says its just not going to work out between us do you think he sending a message to me in that song? talking to himself? or does he just like the song for no reason he never posts sad songs on FB in the year that we were together. I know I shouldn’t have looked… Read more »
taffy dale
Guest
Hello, I was seeing someone (call him C) for 6 months but we never had a conversation about being monogamous/exclusive. Sometimes I felt certain he was still seeing other people, but for some (dumb) reason I never brought it up because in my head ignorance was bliss. I was still talking to someone (B) from another city the whole time but it was a long distance/emotional relationship with this other person. Last week C was using my phone and saw messages from B where I was talking to him about our relationship and some sexual things. That evening C confronted… Read more »
Anna
Guest
Hello, thank you in advance for your beautiful advice, broke up after an on – off yearandahalf relationship. Was pregnant, both agreed to stop it because of really-really-really wrong circumstances (not absence of love or passion). I got really emotional after abortion, went into an argument with him and he stopped contact for 21 days (had he read your article?!?!). He attempted contact two weeks ago, and again last week, but I have only replied “I’m ok” as to his concern for my health. I have not replied to his “miss you” text, or another one that he sent asking… Read more »
Anonymous
Guest

I already unfriended him before reading this. Since I am in no contact I don’t think I should re add him (all of this took place last night and I was devastated). Should I just send a friend request at the end of No Contact or go ahead and do it? He is supposedly taking a break from Facebook anyway so he may not accept the request for a while.

Aubrey
Guest
Hi, I’m not sure how to say this but I had someone I have loved for two years. It was a long distance relationship and we have never met yet. We both have kids and it’s kinda hard for us to meet since we are both from different country. Then he broke it off last month saying it’s the kids that’s keeping us stuck and he has decided to move on with another girl. Broke my heart until this time. He said if I were to be close to him he would marry me but it’s too late now he… Read more »
Aubrey
Guest

Thank you chris for taking time to reply, ill do NC.

Cass
Guest
I’m almost 3 weeks into no contact, we broke up cause he said he didn’t feel as strongly for me as before and he was acting cold. We dated for 2 months, but talked for 4 months because I wanted to take thing slow. I was the one who actually ended it, he was willing to continue to try. I had contacted him the day after we broke up asking if he wanted his things back, he said he would grab them tomorrow. I ended up telling him I had plans and he would have to come another day, which… Read more »
Wendy
Guest

Hey Chris!

I’ve been doing the no contact for a week when I sent a drunken message to them stating “I can’t get home” to initiate a reaction from him. He hasn’t even checked the message, so I guess my chances are pretty low. What would you suggest? Start from day 1?

Angie
Guest
My partner and I were together for 13 years and we had a house. We then for a year still acted like we were together, however i was getting the friend card alot of the times. We got back together before christmas and lasted a month because he just wasn’t ready. He had the green grasser mentality now that he was single i guess after all that time. I followed the NC rule, it was soo hard. After 5 weeks i sent him a simple message about his favourite sports team that was playing and he responded straight away. In… Read more »
Chana
Guest

Is it ever too late to do the no contact rule?

Chana
Guest

I’ve attempted it at least 6 different times with my last attempt covering over 20 days. I got the response I wanted but things quickly became chaotic again since he has a girlfriend but was telling me that he wanted to come back to me. However with my reaction I have pushed him away for a long time. If I perform no contact again, is it likely to prompt him to come back for good?

chana
Guest

How do I prime him and what is prime perception?

Amber
Guest

My ex loaned me money in an emergency and said he didn’t want it back. I just repaid him by mail with only the check in the envelope, no note.

He has a huge ego…ex professional athlete…which isn’t aging well, still thinks he is God’s gift to women and forgets I knew him when.

What do you think?

Mavis
Guest
My bf and I dated for a year. We were friends for 7 years before we started dating. Last Xmas, I initiated a break up with him due to my insecurities. We got back together shortly after but with issues unresolved and he was hot and cold since then. A month ago, he told me that another gal was interested in him and asked him out. He said that he should go out with the girl to get to know her better. My initial thought was; since he was hot and cold, and now with another woman who wants to… Read more »
Lucille
Guest

My ex broke up with me on Monday, told me he still loved me and always will but our relationship wasn’t healthy. Started no contact on Tuesday.
My grandma passed away yesterday and I want to tell him because he’s the only person I could talk to about it but I’m afraid to break no contact. Is this an exception?

Rachel
Guest
Hi, the guy I have been seeing for 4 months broke up with me. We were all good and we went for a short getaway. It seems good we had fun. He even cooked me lunch. Once we got back i asked him why there was a lipstick n his car and he immediately got defensive and started saying ” i told you before we’re not together. He doesnt want a relationship. He doesnt see us going anywhere in future. I said I wanted a commitment in the future, not right now. I texted him alittle asing if we were… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Rachel,

If a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship but you’re sleeping with him, that means you’re friends with benefits.. I think he freaked out because you’re not officially together but and then you questioned him.. I’m not saying it’s wrong but for him it is..

Sarah
Guest
Together with b/f 2.5 years. Found out he’d been cheating for couple of months (just sex & sexting) with local pub owner. Confronted him, he denied. Confronted again with proof, he refused to talk & then pretended to be asleep on sofa. Then he acted like nothing had happened. Next day I left leaving note saying I needed space until he could be honest with me. Completed 30 days no contact (nothing from him during that). I sent text saying “a while since we spoke, thanks for respecting my space. How are you? Hope you had fun with the snow.… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor
Mulenga
Guest
My ex and I were constantly arguing because he didn’t trust anything I said not that I did something to make him likethat. From the start, I was OK with that but going forward it was uncool as he wanted to know everything I do, I had to send pics as proof of what I’m doing at that moment, he was very insecure, he never wanted me to hang out with friends, or even go to the gym because my previous boyfriend worked out from there. One time out of frustration I lied to him about going for a movie… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Mulenga,

That means if you get back together, you’re now ok with him being insecure?

Pippa
Guest
Has anyone got suggestions on how to word a text message to get my apartment keys back from my ex? I don’t know if I should suggest going over to his place as he hasn’t brought them back when he said he would on the day we broke up. Maybe I should get him to mail them back to me or pay for the postage myself? We live 40 miles apart so it’s not as simple as just calling in on the way home from work. He was recently in the area, literally a 5 minute drive away, but didn’t… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Pippa,
You’re almost finishing nc.. start building rapport first, once you’ve done that it’s easier to ask for the keys.. If you can’t build rapport, just ask kindly and straight to the point.

Ashley
Guest
Sorry for the repeated comments if there are, I don’t see the comment posted. My boyfriend and I took a break 2 months ago, then broke up a month afterwards. Unfortunately, both of us didn’t follow the NC rule AT ALL and continued talking and going out. Exactly like how we used to be. I don’t know if the NC rule will still work out because now he’s still used to my presence but recently he told me that he doesn’t love me that much anymore, and that I was annoying him. I went over to his house to try… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Ashley,
tell him being friend is not working for you, apologize and then thank him for everything. Start the nc rule after that but don’t tell him about it. Do at least 30 days.

Ashley
Guest
My boyfriend and I took a break 2 months ago, then broke up a month afterwards. Unfortunately, both of us didn’t follow the NC rule AT ALL and continued talking and going out. Exactly like how we used to be. I don’t know if the NC rule will still work out because now he’s still used to my presence but recently he told me that he doesn’t love me that much anymore, and that I was annoying him. I went over to his house to try and talk to him and got a negative response but insisted and went outside… Read more »
Boubou
Guest
My boyfriend broke up with me about a month and half earlier. he blocked me from social media as soon as he saw me happy. So I decided to do the no contact rule, he unblocked on Facebook 10 days later, but he didn’t talk to me. Now, the 30 days are done and he still didn’t reach out or unblocked me from other social media other than Facebook. What should I do now? Should I contact him ( I begged him after the breakup) ? Or go for 45 days of no contact ? Is there anything I can… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Boubou,

Did you continue posting even after he blocked you? How active are you in improving yourself?

Beba
Guest
Hi, my boyfriend broke up with me about 3 months ago and I have been friends with him since but I still have feelings for him so 4 days ago I went into no contact (difficult because I work with him) I blocked his number and facebook messaging. and at work the other day he waved and said goodbye and I just stared at him and didn’t say a word. but I looked today to find that he had unfriended me on facebook and blocked my number. why did he do that? do I remain in no contact for the… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Beba,
Probably because he saw you did too.. Check this one too:
EBR 009: The No Contact Rule If You Work With Your Ex

Jasmijn
Guest
My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago by deciding to go on a break because he said he needed space and time to think. We were together for almost 7 months and everything was great until he sat me down and told me that. I tried giving him space (even though we live together in student housing). After a week we spoke again and he said he made a mistake and if we could just forget everything. He wanted sex and I said ok but only if he wasn’t going to change his mind again and he… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Jasmijn,

Staying in contact is worse.. Do nc for yourself, not for him and don’t sleep with him again. check this one:
How To Get An Ex Boyfriend Back If You Slept With Him

Ana58
Guest

I am on day 45 of No Contact.
He has not reached out. I need to collect my belongings. Should I contact him?
Also, I did not tell him I was going NO contact. I just stopped responding his calls and text. Should I have sent a note saying I was going no contact?

EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Ana58,
nope.. he shouldn’t know you’re doing nc.. how much did you improve yourself and how active are you in posting in social media?

Sara
Guest
Hi Amor, Sorry if I’m repeating my comment but I don’t see it being posted. I broke up with the guy I was talking to for two weeks after our first date. He kind of ghosted after our date so I thought I’ll leave him before he leaves me lol. Anyway, I want to get him back but I’m not sure if I should do 30 or 21 days NC. I mean since we didn’t see each other for that long, i feel 30 days might be a bit long and he might forget me by the time. What do… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Sara,

You can do just 21 days and then initiate contact after that.

Sara
Guest

Hi Amor,
I broke up with the guy I was talking to for two weeks after our first date. He kind of ghosted after our date so I thought I’ll leave him before he leaves me lol. Anyway, I want to get him back but I’m not sure if I should do 30 or 21 days NC. I mean since we didn’t see each other for that long, i feel 30 days might be a bit long and he might forget me by the time. What do you think? Thank you!

Sara
Guest

Hi amor,
I broke up with the guy I was talking to for two weeks after our first date. He kind of ghosted after our date so I thought I’ll leave him before he leaves me lol. Anyway, I want to get him back but I’m not sure if I should do 30 or 21 days NC. I mean since we didn’t see each other for that long, i feel 30 days might be a bit long and he might be completely over me. What do you think? Thank you!

Renae
Guest
My boy friend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I started the NC rule but since then has texted me everyday. I usually do not reply or if I have to, reply with short sweet and classy comments. Last night when I was sleep he called for the first time and then texted “Hi, please call me”. I must admit I got worried this morning and of course I still have feelings for him. I know he probably wants to see if Im still hung up on being there for him and making sure he’s ok and that may… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Renae,

That means you’re not in nc.. Why did you break up?

Tamima
Guest
Hey Chris! So i started the NC period finally… But here’s the thing, before i did so i gave my ex a goodbye letter. I felt i needed to do this because i could feel him taking my presence in his life for granted. He doesn’t think of me or miss me but when we speak or hangout with freinds he acts nice to me. My question is, will the NC still work in my favour if I said goodbye? P.S. in the letter i also mentioned if we are meant to be he will find his way, and if… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Tamima,

it lessens your chances if it conveyed you’re just going to wait for him. You need to make it seem in your nc that you’re not anymore and that you’re moving on without saying it to him because it would look like you’re just trying to convince him.