This is a super fun interview I had the pleasure of doing with Coach Anna on exactly how to handle valentines day if you are going through a breakup.

In this new interview you’ll learn,

  • If you should contact your ex during valentines day
  • How to handle a situation where you work with your ex on valentines day
  • What to do if your ex has moved on to someone new
  • And pretty much any other valentines day breakup question you can think of

Let’s dive right in.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

How To Handle Valentines Day During A Breakup

Chris:
All right. This is not a false start this time. All right. Today, we’re talking about managing anxiety, especially during Valentine’s Day. We have Valentine’s Day coming up here in 12 days, so almost two weeks now. I brought in the big gun, Anna. Coach Anna is here with us.

Anna:
What? We’re the two big guns.

Chris:
We are the big guns. We’re talking about torturing Tyler on his coaching calls by just showing up.

Anna:
We do not torture him. We love him.

Chris:
We do. We do. Anyways, it was you who came up with the topic this week, because you texted me and I was like, “I don’t know what we’re talking about.” And I said, “Just ask the group.”

Anna:
I swear, I thought we talked about this last week.

Chris:
We did. I just was dumb and didn’t write it down.

Anna:
I knew we had a theme. I couldn’t remember. I was like, “Okay.” But we’re fine.

Chris:
We came up with a good one. We came up with a good one, because in the history of Ex Boyfriend Recovery, and I know, because I literally, for the past five days, have been looking through the 658 posts. We do not have one post on Valentine’s Day until today, so now…

Anna:
What?

Chris:
Yeah. Special occasions, I always am like, “Well, it’s such a timely thing. It will only be searched one time a year. I don’t want to waste my time doing that.” Well, now, Anna, you have strong-armed me into doing a Valentine’s Day post.

Anna:
Do you know that, in the ERP Facebook group, we have-

Chris:
It’s huge.

Anna:
… often done a Valentine’s Day-

Chris:
Card giveaway. I know. I know.

Anna:
… Facebook Live, or the card giveaway, and we even have a post dedicated to that. I’m like, “What? That’s crazy.”

Chris:
I went to go accept people into the group today, and the first thing that greeted me was that Anna’s Valentine’s Day card giveaway, and I’m just like, “Oh, yeah. Right. We’re doing that.” It’s February 2nd. I’ve been in a hole here, and then I came out of the hole to realize, “Oh, yeah. Valentine’s Day is coming up.”

Anna:
Well, it’s just because of COVID and the mail is having a hard time getting to places, so we’ve got to do it earlier than usual.

Chris:
That’s true. That’s true.

Anna:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris:
You actually went to the Facebook group and said, “Hey, guys, what are you struggling with, with regards to Valentine’s Day?” And we have a lot of anxiety-ridden questions. We’re going to talk a lot about handling anxiety, how to handle Valentine’s Day in general if you’re going through a breakup, and you want to get your ex back. Yeah. That’s the general overview of what we’re talking about today.

Anna:
Yeah. A lot of people are like, “Oh my gosh. What do I do around Valentine’s Day?” I compiled things. You know how I’m crazy organized. I went through-

Chris:
Hey, hey, you’re rubbing off on me. Look at this. This is crazy. I’ve got color-coded.

Anna:
Look at you go. Look at you go be super organized. I should give you a sticker.

Chris:
That’s all from Coach Anna, by the way. She’s like, “You should get more organized.” Okay. I went crazy.

Anna:
I did not say that to you.

Chris:
You never said that to me, but it’s something that I think that you said to me. I make conversations up.

Anna:
What? If you were to make up something [crosstalk 00:03:04].

Chris:
If you were to see my desk right now, you would be like, “Chris, you need to get more organized.” And you know what? You’re right.

Anna:
Have you seen the pictures I’ve put on my public Facebook page about the differences between my office and my husband’s office?

Chris:
I have not. I will have to look at that.

Anna:
I will. Yeah. Maybe I’ll call it back up so you can see it. But yeah, during the pandemic, his office is crazy messy, and mine is pristine.

Chris:
That’s a man after my own heart right there. See, I get what that’s like.

Anna:
I love him, though. It’s fine. He can have his mess. I just close the door quietly.

Chris:
Yeah. Yeah. All right. You went and did all the legwork once again. I don’t know what I’d do. These podcasts-

Anna:
Not the legwork.

Chris:
… have been so much easier. It’s the legwork. Let’s be honest here. I spend 30 minutes crafting very meticulous notes on what I’m going to say in front of the YouTube thing, but for podcasts now, I’m just like, “Oh, yeah. Anna will know. Anna will know.” And I’ll just come in with my stupid comments. Thank you. You’ve made my life 10 times easier.

Anna:
You do not make stupid comments.

Chris:
They’re fun, but they’re really off topic. Case in point, here we go.

Anna:
But I go there with you, so we’re okay.

Chris:
You do.

Anna:
No.

Chris:
All right. What are we talking about here? What’s on your list here?

Anna:
Let’s first tackle Valentine’s Day, and then we can talk about handling anxiety overall.

Chris:
Okay.

Anna:
I think maybe later, we should probably just have a deeper dive on anxiety in and of itself, because we can only scratch the surface today.

Chris:
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that there is an anxiety article here on these papers when I went through it. But I will say one thing. It needs to get redone. Let’s put it that way.

Anna:
Well, the first thing is about Valentine’s Day, because I’ve been getting a lot of questions about it from my coaching clients already. The first thing that I tell them is do not stress about this weekend. Now, that’s easier said than done. But we got to remember that Valentine’s Day is a manufactured holiday. Yes, it is. But it’s not just romantic love. We’re talking about friend love, family love, love for yourself. Rather than thinking, “Oh, I’m not with someone, or my breakup just occurred,” or just no contact and building rapport either before or after it, just tell yourself, as best you can, this is an opportunity to demonstrate to yourself that you are strong and can live a full and satisfying life independent of your ex.

Anna:
I’ve spent Valentine’s Day alone, and to me, when I’ve had to do that, the best way to deal with the anxiety is to plan and focus on yourself. Set yourself up for success by generating plans that you’ll enjoy without your ex. If you’re in the Facebook group, for example, and listening to this, participate in our Facebook group Valentine’s Day card exchange. And I just have to put that in there.

Chris:
The shameless plug.

Anna:
Well, honestly, how awesome is it to receive 50 Valentine’s Day cards?

Chris:
I will admit, I am so impressed with your ability to do these giveaways, because every single holiday, you have some iron in the fire getting ready. There’s the Christmas card giveaway, the Valentine’s Day card giveaway. Without you, Anna, and really even my wife, I am 100% that group would be dead.

Anna:
What? No.

Chris:
I’m telling you, it would be, because I am not the best person with regards to Valentine’s Day, or really, holidays. There we go. Secret’s out.

Anna:
The very first year that we did an exchange, it was not cards. It was gifts. And I actually paired people up.

Chris:
I remember.

Anna:
And I have found out that those people still are in contact and exchanging gifts to this day. That’s kind of neat.

Chris:
You have to admit, that’s really cool to have a community like that. I guess that’s the one note I would like to say about Valentine’s Day. It is a manufactured holiday, like you said, but I’ve found that one of the best ways to cope with this anxiety of, “What am I supposed to do with Valentine’s Day? Do I contact them? Do I not?” is having a support group to go to, like a safe space. And Anna is really the cultivator of the Valentine’s Day card giveaway. She is the person to talk to about that.

Anna:
I like getting stuff other than spam and catalogs and random stuff in the mail.

Chris:
Yeah. Yeah. 50 Valentine’s Day cards work, too.

Anna:
Pretty great. Anyway, participate in the card exchange. But if you’re not in the group, that’s fine. Set up a gathering with your friends and/or family, as allowed, because we’re in quarantine. Or set up a day where you pamper yourself, or set up a whole weekend where you’re indulging yourself in doing whatever in the world you’d like to do. If it’s sit around and watch Netflix all weekend and eat ice cream, then go do that. If you want to take a hike, if you want to go on a day trip, go do that. If you want to go for a massage, if you want to learn something, go do that. This weekend is about love in all of its forms.

Chris:
Again, my only comment here is, years ago, maybe right when I’d started the Facebook group, pretty close in tandem, I had started this podcast, and I was always looking for people that I could get onto the podcast. There was this girl that I interviewed once who came up with this concept of dating yourself. I think she claimed ownership for this concept that really wasn’t hers to claim ownership of, but I really like the concept of dating yourself. I always try to tell that to people during the no contact rule, but I think it really applies here, especially when you’re feeling lonely during Valentine’s Day.

Chris:
The whole concept of dating yourself, when I interviewed her, was all about treat yourself how… If you were to be taken on a perfect date, that’s how you should be treating yourself. And that’s essentially what you’re saying. Doing all of those things, or taking the bubble bath, or having fun with friends. It’s a little complicated with the quarantine, which I’m sure adds another layer of complexity to it.

Anna:
But there are a number of things you can do virtually. You can take classes, you can learn things. There’s reading. You can still walk outside and take a hike. You can still drive in your car, assuming you have one. You can still go outside. You can find very fulfilling ways.

Chris:
I guess it all boils down to doing things that make you happy that aren’t related to your ex, because that’s the key. One thing that I’ve been looking at, since I’m rewriting the whole no contact rule master article, is redefining no contact, because I think, a lot of times, people look at the no contact rule and they come at it from a perspective of, “Oh, I’m going to do this thing, and it’s going to make my ex miss me.” Well, that’s actually not how it works, at least from what I’ve noticed. Having your ex miss you is almost a symptom of if you’re doing the no contact rule the right way. And really, doing the no contact rule the right way is getting to the space where you’re willing to outgrow your ex. And a lot of the stuff that we’re talking about here is like, “All right, why don’t you do something fun for you?”

Chris:
And sometimes, for one person, like you’re saying, it can be challenging during COVID with the quarantine, but virtual online classes, for example. Some people really dig stuff like that. I’m really big into world-building and writing and things like that. You can sit me down in a world-building course, and I’ll just be the happiest guy in the world. And it’s all cultivating your mind and your creativity. That’s something that you can do. The key is just, I guess, for me… And you can add onto this and change your definition, because you’re probably the authority on Valentine’s Day. But I think, for me, it’s about doing things that make you happy, not doing things that you think will make your ex happy, or doing things that you think will make you happy because your ex will think you look cool.

Anna:
Yeah. In the past, when I’ve been alone on Valentine’s Day, I have taken trips, I have taken classes, I have gamed a lot, because I game. I’ve done that. [crosstalk 00:11:44].

Chris:
Did you get through Cyberpunk yet?

Anna:
No, I haven’t gotten to it. I’ve been so busy coaching.

Chris:
I’m trying. Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Anna:
Look at you, showing off, being able to play it once in a while.

Chris:
Yeah, I should really shut up there.

Anna:
It’s okay. I know it’s really cool.

Chris:
It’s been disappointing so far for me.

Anna:
Has it been disappointing?

Chris:
Yeah. Yeah.

Anna:
No way.

Chris:
I don’t know if I’m disappointed by the fact that I played it for 20 hours over the course of three weeks, and now, I’ve been working so much, I can’t get back to it. I think that’s where my disappointment’s coming from. Misattribution of emotions right there.

Anna:
Yeah. When I’ve been alone on Valentine’s Day, I’ve taken classes, I have played the piano, I have put stuff together. I’ve done puzzles, I’ve watched TV, I’ve put together parties for friends. I’ve gone on trips. Things that just really make me happy and feel that I love myself. That’s personal.

Chris:
Yeah. Yeah. To me, the key component is doing things that make you happy. If it’s a weird thing, don’t feel self-conscious about it. Just do it. If it makes you happy, just do it. Do the things that you enjoy. Put the focus on you.

Anna:
Yeah. But if you’re in no contact, [crosstalk 00:13:07].

Chris:
Different rules.

Anna:
What if we’re no contact? What happens? One, don’t reach out. But the other is, don’t expect to hear from your ex. Yeah. If you do, though, you should not respond, honestly, unless he or she meets the four criteria to break no contact, including what? The golden factor.

Chris:
Wow, you really went deep there. All day long, I’ve been going through that no contact rule, and I was like, “We don’t really talk about the golden factor stuff.” And I was thinking, “Yeah, I wonder if I should take that out, because so many people…”

Anna:
No, it needs to be maintained.

Chris:
No, I agree. Here’s what I’ll say. So many people take advantage of it, where they will look for any excuse to break no contact, so they will just break it too early. Valentine’s Day is not an excuse to break no contact. I feel like that’s one of the rules of Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is you don’t talk about… Well, first rule of no contact during Valentine’s Day is you do not break no contact.

Anna:
Break no contact. Exactly. [inaudible 00:14:13]. Yeah. It’s no contact for a reason, and it’s also the same reason why we say don’t respond for merry Christmas or happy Hanukkah or happy New Year or Fourth of July, whatever.

Chris:
Happy birthday.

Anna:
Or happy birthday. Oh my gosh. I know you have very specific feelings about the happy birthday stuff, and I agree with you on that. Yeah. This is just one day, and you will be okay.

Chris:
It’s one day, guys. I think the bigger issue is, if you have problems staying disciplined for this one day, your problem isn’t… There’s other things you should be working on instead of focusing on what to say to your ex or things like that. You should be working on that new concept I’m talking about, just outgrowing your ex. You need to get to this place emotionally where you’re okay with not hearing from them.

Chris:
Another thing is, I don’t know how accurate the poll… I’m actually really curious to see what you’re getting from a boots-on-the-ground perspective. But a few months ago, when I polled the Facebook group to ask them, “Those of you who have completed no contact, how many of you had an ex reach out to you first, or reach out to you during no contact?” And I was actually shocked. 60% of people said their ex did not reach out to them. Does that seem in line with what you’re seeing with clients?

Anna:
Yeah. A lot of exes aren’t reaching out during no contact.

Chris:
I guess the point is, it’s a misconception to sit there and believe that the no contact rule is going to make an ex reach out to you.

Anna:
That is an unreasonable expectation. You should not look for that particular validation. Whether or not your ex reaches out during no contact honestly has no bearing as to whether or not you will get your ex back. All it says is that your ex really lacks self-control and desperately wants to hear from you to feel validated. Most likely, what they’re going to say if you respond is, “I miss you, but I still think the breakup was the right thing to do.”

Chris:
Yeah. My problem is, before we started recording, I was like, “Anna, I do not want to talk about no contact.” And of course, I’m the one that brings it up, because it’s the only thing that’s been on my mind. But yeah, if you really think about that circumstance, an ex is almost looking to get validation from you first, and they’re like, “Oh, yeah. Yeah. I’ve validated my original hypothesis that this person, I was right to break up with them.” But let’s get back to Valentine’s Day, specifically-

Anna:
Well, we’ve covered no contact. I think we also need to talk about limited no contact.

Chris:
Yeah. Good point. Good point. What if you share kids? Sharing kids is a very complicated situation. Valentine’s.

Anna:
If you share kids, I think you definitely should have the kids reach out to your ex and wish that parent happy Valentine’s Day. Honestly, you would be in limited no contact. Have yourself being happy and looking well in the background. Obviously, the focus should be on the kids. Do not answer questions about your own personal activities for Valentine’s Day or Valentine’s Day weekend. Focus discussion on what your children are doing. You can say you have plans established for later when the children are with your ex, but do not indicate what exactly those are. Just say, “I’ve got other plans for Valentine’s Day,” when you have them.

Chris:
All right. You have an ex that comes up to you and says, “Hey, Anna, what are you doing for Valentine’s Day?” And your response would be-

Anna:
“I have some plans, I’m going out. When you pick up the kids Sunday, I’m going to be going out, and then on Monday and Tuesday, I have some other things planned as well.”

Chris:
Okay. Take what Anna said and warp it to your reality. That’s the rule there.

Anna:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). Now, I do have some clients whose exes have been in the lives of their children since the children were very little. If the children are not the biological children of your ex, do not let those children reach out to an ex. You need to explain that, “So-and-so and I are not together right now. Next time that so-and-so and I talk, I’ll let them know that you said happy Valentine’s Day. Or instead, why don’t you draw a card for so-and-so, and next time I see that person, I will give the Valentine’s Day card to him or her.” Do a run around that.

Chris:
Yeah. Another really common situation during limited no contact would be you work with an ex.

Anna:
Yeah. In this age of COVID, if you’re leading a group meeting or participating in a group meeting, you can wish the whole group a happy Valentine’s Day, or wish they have an enjoyable Valentine’s Day weekend. Be prepared to state that you had an enjoyable weekend, or that you have plans. If you work together one-on-one, because we do have some people who work directly with their exes, like own businesses together, do not mention Valentine’s Day at all. If your ex mentions it, return the greeting. If asked, again, simply say that you enjoyed your weekend or you’re looking forward to the weekend. If they say, “Oh, why is that?” “I’ve got really fun plans,” and then change the topic of discussion. That’s what you do. Mystery.

Chris:
Yeah, mystery. You’re so smart, Anna. I’m sitting here just thinking-

Anna:
You’re smart, too.

Chris:
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Whatever.

Anna:
What? Don’t whatever me.

Chris:
All right. Next up, a limited no contact rule would be living together with exes. And I have thoughts about this, but you want to go first?

Anna:
Tell me your thoughts. I want to hear it.

Chris:
All right. My thoughts are if you live together with your ex, your focus should be moving out as soon as possible. And that may not be feasible in some circumstances, but a lot of the rules still apply here to what the rules have been with sharing kids and the work situation, where you’re just not going to bring it up unless they bring it up. Though I’m actually curious what happens… Let’s say you’ve been dating, and then someone sends you Valentine’s Day flowers and your ex sees it.

Anna:
Be really happy. I’m assuming you’ll have plans set up already with the person and be super excited.

Chris:
What if it’s a guy that you don’t really like, but he really likes you?

Anna:
So?

Chris:
That’s the Rose Bowl text strategy right there.

Anna:
My answer to that is, so what? The fact is, you got flowers from someone. Your ex, who you may be living with, didn’t get… I was about to say a bad word. Didn’t get anything. I caught myself. Are you proud of me?

Chris:
Yeah.

Anna:
Didn’t get anything, so you need to really live it up. If you’re living with your ex, obviously, do not mention Valentine’s Day, but have plans set up, whether it’s friends, family, or with whoever you’re dating. You need to make sure that you are out as much as possible that entire weekend. Go out, enjoy yourself, dress up, do something nice for yourself. Even if you’re not dating someone, dress up and go out.

Chris:
What about if your ex throws you a curve ball and buys you flowers?

Anna:
Just say, “Thank you, I appreciate that. And I’ll talk to you later, because I’m about to leave in my very nice outfit.”

Chris:
“On my date.”

Anna:
Yes. “I’ve got to go, but I appreciate this. You tell me about your weekend when I come back.”

Chris:
“I’ll tell you about mine when I’m at the Rose Bowl.”

Anna:
Yes. “Enjoying my tickets and my great seats.” Yeah. There you go.

Chris:
Does that cover limited no contact to your satisfaction?

Anna:
I think so. Does it cover it to your satisfaction, too?

Chris:
I just want to be done with the no contact rule stuff.

Anna:
Okay. Yeah. Then we also have to cover, obviously, the building rapport part, right?

Chris:
Yeah.

Anna:
If you’re building rapport, how do you handle that?

Chris:
All right. My take on it would be, if you’re building rapport, it really depends on where you’re building rapport. If you’re at a stage where you’re seeing each other in person, a lot different versus just texting. I’m going to assume the most general person’s going to be just texting. I personally think it’s okay to wish your ex a happy Valentine’s Day if things have been going pretty well. This is not something that you should reach out to as a first-contact text message after the no contact rule. This is not be like, “Okay, I’ve done 30 days of no contact, and it just so happens that day 30 is Valentine’s Day.” Generally speaking, what we recommend to people is extend your no contact so that you’re reaching out after Valentine’s Day, or after a birthday or something like that. But I think you can use Valentine’s Day to get some flirting going back and forth. Anna and I did a really great flirting video, but she’s about to say something.

Anna:
Well, I was going to say, what is your opinion on if you just started building rapport? Literally, you just sent out… Do you do that?

Chris:
I don’t think so.

Anna:
Yeah. Yeah, I agree with you on that. If you are at the start of your building rapport phase, literally within month one, do not mention Valentine’s Day. Do not ask about Valentine’s Day plans. What you should do instead is post on social media about fun or interesting activities you have planned for Valentine’s Day. If your ex asks you about your plans or what you did, simply say that you enjoyed your weekend, or you’ve got great plans, and the focus on the topic that you initiated on. If your no contact ends February 12th or the 14th, reach out on Tuesday, February the 16th. Just wait. That’s what I would do.

Anna:
Now, if you’re two to four months in building rapport, honestly, and if you’re still only texting, I still wouldn’t ask. I wouldn’t ask about Valentine’s Day plans, but if your ex asks you, mirror your ex’s word count and emoji usage or whatever. If you’re asked about Valentine’s Day on the day of or shortly after the day, just say you had a great weekend and then mention the activities you did, and make sure that you’re posting on social media about fun stuff or interesting things that you had already planned for that weekend. I personally wouldn’t be reaching out and saying happy Valentine’s Day.

Chris:
For me, I think the only time you would do that is if things are going really, really well. There’s always this moment, I find, when you’re really close to getting your ex back, you’ve seen them a couple of times in person, and you’re just in that limbo between dates two or three, I think at that point, you’re close enough to start treating each other a little bit more-

Anna:
100%. If you are already seeing each other, you should have already brought… For example, if you are in meeting stage or dating stage right now, you should’ve already brought up Valentine’s Day. I don’t know whether you did or not.

Chris:
Yeah. Actually, this is a really good segue. I think the rule’s pretty common. Look, if you’re just starting rapport, Valentine’s Day is probably not the best thing to dip your toe into. But let’s talk about situations where you’re really close to getting that ex back and Valentine’s Day is coming up. How do you handle that situation?

Anna:
Well, one, you should’ve already brought up Valentine’s Day plans. And honestly, I would make it low pressure by suggesting doing something during the day with an activity.

Chris:
McDonald’s run. McDonald’s run’s the way to go. Get yourself a McFlurry, a Big Mac.

Anna:
You know what my husband and I do for Valentine’s Day? We go out and get a hotdog.

Chris:
Seriously?

Anna:
Yeah. We go get a hotdog, we go for a walk, we get a hotdog, and we watch a movie. That’s what we do.

Chris:
What movie? Please not The Notebook.

Anna:
No, I don’t watch stuff like that.

Chris:
Thank God, Anna. Thank God.

Anna:
I watch good stuff.

Chris:
All right. What is good stuff for you?

Anna:
Well, he’s a really big movie buff, so we would watch Blade Runner or something like that.

Chris:
Oh, Blade Runner’s the best. Which one? First or second one?

Anna:
The first.

Chris:
Second one’s really underrated.

Anna:
The second one is good, but the first one was big when I was super young.

Chris:
The first one, my dad, who loves the first one, showed me the first one when I was eight years old, way too young to be watching that movie, or didn’t even understand what’s going on.

Anna:
You were probably just like, “What is going on?”

Chris:
There’s a nude scene in that movie, and I was all for it. I was really for that nude scene. My dad was not the best at showing… He should not have shown me that movie, but I got to enjoy it as an adult later on. Not the nude scene. The actual movie. When I could understand what was actually going on.

Anna:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). And it’s really good, right?

Chris:
Yeah, it’s really good. And again, sorry I interjected and got us off topic.

Anna:
No. It really needs to be low-key, low pressure. If you’re a guy and you’re trying to get your female ex back, again, make it low-key. Bring flowers or say, “Hey, let’s go on a hike. Let’s do a picnic. I’ll bring the food.” And then give your ex a task. “You buy the groceries, or you pick the spot where we’re going to go, or you bring the sandwiches for our picnic.” Give them a small task, and then you do the rest of the stuff. That’s it. Easy.

Chris:
What about gifts in this circumstance? Let’s say you’re female. Do you bring any type of gift here, or do you just not let it happen?

Anna:
Okay. If you’ve already brought up Valentine’s Day plans, if you’ve mentioned, “Hey,” you’re the female, “let’s go on this hike. Let’s bring a picnic, you bring the sandwiches.” If you’re bringing a gift, it needs to be really small, like a card, and that’s it. You don’t want to make it this big thing, because [crosstalk 00:29:09].

Chris:
It’s not a real couple gift, where you’re exchanging things.

Anna:
Right. If you’re a guy and trying to get your ex-girlfriend back, or if you’re just trying to get your ex-girlfriend back, you don’t want to put too much pressure and make it this big to-do. And if you’re female trying to get your ex-boyfriend or ex-fiance back, you don’t want to make him feel really dumb for not bringing you a gift, too.

Chris:
It needs to be very low-key.

Anna:
Yeah. Like I said, like a funny card.

Chris:
Here’s a really weird riff. What if you’re a guy and you just bring a singular rose, Bachelor-style? Do you think that’s… See, I’m just curious to get your reaction as a female to this, because to me, I find that’s more romantic than a… I almost cursed now. Than a bushel of flowers. Right? What do you think? There’s almost more intent behind the rose. It’s like [crosstalk 00:30:06].

Anna:
I don’t know.

Chris:
Beauty and the Beast.

Anna:
I do not think that I am the typical chick, so I would find that super cheesy. I’d be like, “Why, instead, did you not buy me this robot thing? Or something that has fire?” But if you’re going to give me a flower, sure. Maybe not so much a rose. But if you bring me… I love lilies, as an example. If you bring me one, then that’s okay. I can see that. That’s actually pretty romantic with a card. I think one rose is kind of weird.

Chris:
There’s intent there, because the lilies thing would mean they would have to be paying attention to the fact that you maybe have mentioned that one time that you liked lilies. That shows a little bit of thought. I guess my overall question is, do you want to take the minimum gift to the extreme, or do you want to just keep it minimum? Let’s use you and the lily thing.

Anna:
Whether it’s a card or something small, no matter what it is, it needs to be thoughtful.

Chris:
Okay. That’s important for people to know. And by people, I mean me. I’m trying to think of what to get my wife here for Valentine’s Day.

Anna:
Has she mentioned anything that she would really love?

Chris:
I got her… This is going to sound really awful, and it was not my idea. We have one of those Peloton things. You know how people were gifting their husbands and wives Peloton, almost insinuating they need to lose weight or something? I did not come up with this gift. Literally, to my wife the other weekend, I said, “Hey, I’m going to go out. Do you want me to get you anything? Is there anything you really, really want?” And she wanted one of these robot Roombas, really expensive, that cleans the house automatically. I got her that, and I just realized I shot myself in the foot now, because I got nothing good to get her. Even though I get that that almost insinuates, “Hey, you need to clean up around here,” but it was not my idea.

Anna:
But she wanted that.

Chris:
I got it for her.

Anna:
Does she want a new mixer or anything like that?

Chris:
No. She’s pretty particular about… I’ll figure something out.

Anna:
That’s tough.

Chris:
Yeah. Anyways.

Anna:
My husband and I, we don’t really exchange gifts. We’ve never really exchanged gifts on Valentine’s Day. Like I said, we go for a hotdog.

Chris:
Yeah. See, to me, that sounds like the best. Food and me go together.

Anna:
This is what I hate about Valentine’s Day. Fixed-price menus, and you are held hostage for a ton of money for a limited menu, and you’re packed in. Well, I guess in this time, socially distanced. With a bunch of people, and you’re all eating the same food, and it does not… I don’t like that. I don’t like [crosstalk 00:33:12].

Chris:
There’s something very Matrix-like, like you’re a machine, you’re a cog in the machine.

Anna:
Yeah, that’s why I want my hotdog with fries. The Hawaiian version.

Chris:
That sounds to me.

Anna:
It is awesome. You don’t have to wait in line. Who else is getting a Valentine’s Day hotdog?

Chris:
Not many people.

Anna:
Yeah. Anyway.

Chris:
Yeah. All right. What other aspects of Valentine’s Day haven’t we talked about?

Anna:
If you’re doing the being there method.

Chris:
Oh. Very good. Very good. I totally would’ve slipped on that.

Anna:
Yeah. I think that’s important, because again, this is one of those, “Do not mention Valentine’s Day. Do not ask about Valentine’s Day plans.”

Chris:
I can honestly say that I’ve never considered the specific circumstance, because it’s so niche. You have to be having another woman or another man in the picture, and it has to be around Valentine’s Day. And I’ve never, ever personally worked with someone right around Valentine’s Day where this has been… I am dying to hear what you have to say.

Anna:
Well, I have quite a few clients who are doing the being there method. This is what I’ve told them. Don’t mention Valentine’s Day, don’t ask about plans. You want to imply that you’re dating others. You need to post on social media about fun or interesting activities that you’ve got planned. If your ex asks you about plans or what you did, just say that you had a great time on the weekend. “Did you not see on my social media?” And then don’t even ask how their Valentine’s Day was.

Chris:
I think that’s a safe route, for real. I think that’s a good route.

Anna:
Yeah. That’s just the best way to do it, honestly. Also, if you share children, set up plans for you and the kids, invite your ex to do things with the kids as a family. Make Valentine’s Day a family thing. Try to-

Chris:
Make it about the kids completely.

Anna:
Yeah. Make it completely… Yeah. Family things, making it about the kids. Now, assuming there’s not another person in the picture, you can try to set plans up for yourself outside of family time. If you’re at the start no contact, I would not invite your ex to do anything with you solo. If there’s another man or another woman, definitely do not invite your ex to do things with you solo. You just want to make sure you’re going on dates with others. But if no one is there and you’re at month three or over, ask your ex what his or her plans are outside of the stuff with the kids. And just say, “Oh, I got a plan. Because we’ve planned these things for the kids, come with me. I’m going to have my mother watch them. Come with me to come pick up this stuff for our kids, and maybe we can catch brunch at the same time.” Or lunch, just a small escape before the rush. That’s what I would do. That’s what I would’ve said.

Chris:
There’s something romantic about dinner. Lunch or brunch can be romantic, but it’s usually not. It’s usually almost gatherings or work.

Anna:
It’s a lot safer.

Chris:
Work lunches or things. It’s safer.

Anna:
Yeah. Yeah.

Chris:
What other things are we missing?

Anna:
I think we hit most of them. How to handle if you’re building rapport and living together. I guess that’s the only thing left.

Chris:
We kind of talked about the living together thing a little bit.

Anna:
But if you’re in no contact around Valentine’s Day.

Chris:
I say you treat it… This is how I would do it. I would treat it like you’re not bringing it up. You’re sticking to your no contact rule. Though, I’m trying to think of the most difficult situations. If you’re living together and you’re in the middle of no contact, what do you do if your ex confronts you and says, “Happy Valentine’s Day?” My response would be, you just simply be nice, say it back, and then just-

Anna:
Go about your plan.

Chris:
… find your exit and go. What do you think? Is that…

Anna:
Yeah. That’s exactly how I would handle that, too.

Chris:
Perfect.

Anna:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris:
I feel like with Valentine’s Day, my disdain for it is so high that I’m looking to you like, “Is that right, Anna?”

Anna:
Well, again, Valentine’s Day hotdogs. We are doing something really interesting for once this year, which is we are going to a candlelit classical music concert in a church here in Atlanta.

Chris:
Cool. Concert. Candlelit. Social distance. That works.

Anna:
Yeah.

Chris:
We were going to try… There’s this outdoor eating area that sits people apart because of the COVID restrictions, and we were going to try for the first time to splurge and do that. But we don’t have anyone to watch our daughter, so it looks like we’ll be going as a group of three to this thing. That works for me. It’ll be good food.

Anna:
It’ll be good. [crosstalk 00:38:26].

Chris:
I’m okay with the fixed menu pricing, because I’m just… But I’m also extremely hungry right now.

Anna:
Well, we should wrap up soon.

Chris:
McDonald’s and hotdogs and everything sounds… It’s your fault, really.

Anna:
It is my fault. I know we were going to talk about anxiety, but maybe we should talk about that in depth another time.

Chris:
Let’s do that next week.

Anna:
Yeah, why don’t we do that?

Chris:
It’s kind of its own thing.

Anna:
There’s a lot to talk about anxiety. Yeah.

Chris:
Yeah. You can get into the psychology of why people and some of the behaviors they exhibit.

Anna:
I just know that the majority of people in our group have a high level of anxiety, especially around Valentine’s Day, because of its connotations in society. But I just want everyone to remember, it is just one day.

Chris:
Also, I would say this. If you’re having a lot of anxiety about Valentine’s Day, really, I think a lot of the anxiety stems from not knowing how to handle it or knowing what to do. Watching this video or listening to this podcast should give you at least some marching orders on how to handle it. And you can take solace in the fact that you’re doing the best thing you can do for this specific situation, so you don’t have to worry about that aspect of it. I think another huge aspect of anxiety with Valentine’s Day is the fear of, “What if he or what if she is going on a date with someone else?” And I actually don’t think that’s that big of a deal. But of course, the being there method’s wicked evil for people like that.

Anna:
Right. It feels like a big deal. The whole thought can send some people into panic attacks. But just remember that, if you are in no contact, you will be breaking no contact relatively soon. If you’re building rapport, the fear that you have is likely one that your ex has as well.

Chris:
Yeah. There’s always a tendency with a bit of a tunnel vision when you go through no contact, where you’re only thinking about things from perspective of how it relates to you. And sometimes, you forget to look at walking a mile in your ex’s shoes and understanding, “Wait, they’re also experiencing some anxiety. They’re also experiencing some frustration over the fact that this breakup was harmful to their feelings,” or whatever. We kind of lose that perspective sometimes.

Anna:
Yeah. Really, it’s going to be okay. I know I keep saying that, but it is going to be okay. It feels terrible right now, but it will be all right.

Chris:
Coach Anna.

Anna:
Yes.

Chris:
Where can people go to sign up with coaching for you?

Anna:
You can just go to exboyfriendrecovery.com or exgirlfriendrecovery.com, products, and then coaching, and then select me. Or select Coach Tyler. Some of us are very nice.

Chris:
And Anna and I are sometimes showing up on his calls just to lend support, I guess, so you may get lucky.

Anna:
Right, because Coach Tyler is new, so we want to just make sure that…

Chris:
Anna was very quick to point out before we got started that she felt, when I hired her on, she felt like I threw here in the deep end without helping her, and she’s absolutely right.

Anna:
It’s just like, “Whoa.” You’re out there, and you’re like, “Oh my gosh.” I came to this program wanting to get my ex back, too, so I understand the other side of it. It’s a huge leap of faith to pay money and talk to essentially a stranger, so from my end, I wanted to make sure that people felt reassured and felt secure and had confidence that they were listened to and understood, that they know exactly what to do. I just knew what it’s like to be out there on my own, so I just sometimes pop into Tyler’s sessions just to say hey or just listen in and tell him, “Hey, if you need anything, I’m here, just listening in.”

Chris:
Yeah, she convinced me to do it, too, so now you might get lucky, if you choose Tyler, to get either me or Anna.

Anna:
Yeah, you guys might get Chris sitting in at the latter half.

Chris:
Anna’s results speak for themselves. I always tease her about it, but she has maybe the very best success rate in the entire industry. Maybe. I don’t know what other countries look like, because I don’t speak other languages. Maybe there’s some witch doctor savant out there that somehow can put a spell on you. I also do want to say, I am extremely proud of how good she is at this, and I feel honored and lucky to have her as being the Ex Recovery umbrella. Yeah. You guys, sign up with her. Sorry, I am super fried today, guys. Usually, I’m super high energy. I’m just like, “Yeah, sign up with her.”

Anna:
“Yeah, sign up with her. It’ll be pretty okay.”

Chris:
It’ll be okay.

Anna:
It’ll be fine. You’ll be all right.

Chris:
You’ll be fine on Valentine’s Day. It’ll be all right.

Anna:
No, we will have a good time. We may not laugh, because how is heartbreak funny? But I will do my best to listen. And Coach Tyler does the same thing. We both do our best to listen and to help you make sense out of a very chaotic and upsetting time, that you’ll see the light.

Chris:
And I will say, Anna fills up pretty fast. Her coaching calendar, it’s February 2nd right now, and she’s already booked up until the 16th.

Anna:
Yes. Let’s put it in a different way. I have 90 slots open in the month of February, and I already have 56 of those 90 slots filled.

Chris:
It’s been two days, guys. It’s been two days. Well, technically not. I guess we opened it-

Anna:
We opened it last week.

Chris:
… before February, at the end of January. January 30th or something. It’s been four days, guys. Anna and Tyler are both really great coaches, and we’re getting booked up pretty fast, I guess is the end takeaway there.

Anna:
Yeah. Well, it’s because we offer a really solid service, and we’re really [crosstalk 00:45:21].

Chris:
No, not solid. You’re underselling it. It’s the best service in the entire world, and we’re going to be…

Anna:
The entire world.

Chris:
Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

Anna:
You’re fine.

Chris:
My business insurance is not going to love that.

Anna:
They’re going to be like, “Oh, does that mean that you are going to pay higher rates to us now?”

Chris:
Yeah. No, that’s not what that means. Is there anything else about coaching with you people should know?

Anna:
I want people to come prepared. I want as many questions as possible. I want our time together to be as productive as possible, so any questions that you have, any fears that you have, write them all down. Bring them to me, and we’ll talk them through.

Chris:
And I will say, she gives lots of homework, but it’s the fun kind of homework, not the ugh kind of homework.

Anna:
It will help you get through this process. It will help you get through no contact, it’ll help you better understand your breakup, and will help you understand how to communicate better as you work to get your ex back and recover from the breakup. And also, I’m Asian, so we love homework.

Chris:
That’s her go-to line. I will say this. If you guys are on the fence about coaching, all you should do is just come to the Facebook group if you’ve got the Ex Recovery Program. If not, it’s super cheap to get. It’s $47, I think, right now. Come to the-

Anna:
That is too cheap.

Chris:
That is really cheap for, actually, everything you get just for the digital products and everything, and you get access to the group. But come to the Facebook group and just say, “Hey, anyone who’s had a coaching session, tell me what it was like. Was it worth it?” And we’ll just let people speak [crosstalk 00:47:03].

Anna:
Or type in coaching and just look at what people said.

Chris:
Right. Right. She gets rave reviews. That’s why I’m saying it.

Anna:
Or just join the group and join one of my Facebook Lives, and you can see how I answer questions.

Chris:
Yeah, that’s another really huge benefit of the Facebook group. I believe Tyler’s going to try to… This week, we’re doing these Facebook Lives, guys, where we just… I’m more shoot-from-the-hip. You show up, first come, first served. Anna’s very organized about it, so you have to submit your questions ahead of time, and then she’ll do the Q&A.

Anna:
But I also answer questions within the Facebook Live. Yeah.

Chris:
She does. Well, I’m not implying you aren’t. I’m just implying that you’re better than me, and you are.

Anna:
No, I am not. We are both awesome.

Chris:
We can be both awesome, but you’re awesome A, I’m awesome B.

Anna:
Oh my gosh.

Chris:
Okay. It’s getting late, guys. Again, if you’re interested in coaching and you’re watching this on YouTube, just simply look in the description link below, and there will be a link that can take you directly to where you can sign up. I will say, sessions are going faster than anticipated, which is a cool problem for me to have, but not such a cool problem for you to have. If you’re listening to this on the podcast, then following Anna’s instructions, where you just go to exboyfriendrecovery.com, go to the products page, then click on coaching, then sign up. That will take you to the coach-picker page where you can pick your coach. That’s going to do it for today. Any final thoughts on Valentine’s Day or coaching or whatever?

Anna:
Do not freak out, and coach with me. It’ll be great.

What to Read Next

I Don’t Want To Move On From My Ex

By Chris Seiter | 0 comments

The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back

By Chris Seiter | 8568 comments

Success Story: Letting Her Ex Go Made Him Want To Come Back

By Chris Seiter | 0 comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

13 thoughts on “How To Handle Valentines Day If You Are Going Through A Breakup”

  1. Avatar

    Maria

    February 23, 2021 at 12:30 pm

    Hi Shaunna! I asked to have a honest conversation with my ex boyfriend. We spoke about the break up and also he told me that he’s having fun on the internet. He told me to move on with my life and I shouldn’t care about who he’s having fun with. He said he’s not looking for LDR, he’s just looking for some fun now and he found the married woman who he swap pictures with. He also said he doesn’t like me as he used to and if I still have feelings I should keep distance from him. What should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 23, 2021 at 3:56 pm

      Hi Maria, you need to complete a solid no contact period. Check out this article about No Contact and how it works – https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-no-contact-rule-version-2-0/

  2. Avatar

    Maria

    February 20, 2021 at 4:53 am

    He got suspicious about the amount of questions I was making him and he blocked my fake. But I go to find out that he’s swapping with a married woman once she’s in a open relationship. What made me the most sad about it all is that he talks differently about his ex, she had her problems although he loved her.. but when he talks about me it’s like he’s shit talking me saying I had trust issues and things like that. What do you think about it Shaunna? I don’t know what to do. I really wanted him back but it feels my chances are so low once he’s emotionally disconnected from me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 20, 2021 at 11:58 am

      Hi Maria, so if you have been blocked on the fake account its likely he knows it is you, which proves his belief that you have trust issues? I would spend 45 days no contact and really focus on yourself, on your self esteem. Check out this article to start working on – https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-6-things-that-are-keeping-you-from-being-ungettable/

  3. Avatar

    Maria

    February 16, 2021 at 9:46 pm

    Hi Shaunna!
    I asked my ex about the breakup with me through my fake account and he said that the break up was giving to: trust issues from my part, the long distance, amount of difference of feelings from both part (I loved him he never said he loved me back) and also because I couldn’t understand what he had with his ex. When it comes to his ex (before me) he said that he did love her but it was complicated and didn’t work either. I also asked him if he’s over all his exes and he said yes. Our break up was beginning of December so I don’t think a lot of time has passed, do you think it’s still possible once he told my fake he’s over me? I’m willing to restart the program but is it still possible? We speak through wpp but as I said he’s often very cold/won’t initiate a conversation/ never asked to talk about the break up and also is more willing to talk with my fake than me. Any hopes?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 19, 2021 at 10:11 am

      Hi Maria, so you need to re start your ERP program if you want to get this ex back and also delete that fake account! You cannot follow this program and the no contact period if you have contact with him, even if he thinks it isn’t you. As for him being “over” you, that is something we can never really know, if he thinks your fake account is a love interest then of course he is going to tell her that he is over his exes and ready to date. However, you mention that he was slightly hung up on his ex. So clearly he can’t always hide his feelings. You need to be sure that you stick with the program properly if you want this to work. Check this article out to help you understand his actions and what you need to do with dating sites – https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/what-to-do-if-you-find-your-ex-on-a-dating-website/

  4. Avatar

    Maria

    February 15, 2021 at 8:18 pm

    Thank you Shaunna! I saw he’s on kik and I sent him a message as a random person (he doesn’t know it’s me) who added him and we spoke about gaming and stuff. He told me he’s single (he had told me he was getting to know someone before) and also that he would like to talk to me (random) more. I don’t know what to do from this point. Should I give up giving the fact that he’s already texting random girls on the internet? Or should I go with it and tell him eventually that it’s me? What should I do? We speak on wpp but he’s very cold/ won’t initiate a conversation and take hours to reply.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 16, 2021 at 8:47 pm

      Hi Maria, I would suggest that you stop pretending to be the other girl on the kik and start following the program correctly.

  5. Avatar

    Maria

    February 10, 2021 at 2:37 am

    Hi Chris and team. I’d like an advice: it’s been 2 months me and my ex boyfriend broke up – he broke up with me because we were fighting way too much in the end. He said he didn’t want to be in touch for a while and I respected his decision. I got in touch with him last week to see how he was doing and he told me that he’s seeing someone new. I was shocked cause I didn’t know he would move on that fast. Last night we were sending messages back and forth and today he completely ghosted me. It was a LDR relationship and I see he even cancelled the learning he was doing to learn my language (he was still doing even in the break up) I would love to be with him again because I had mental health issues when we were together but I’ve improved a lot. Any chance or is it too late?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 13, 2021 at 9:33 pm

      Hi Maria, it doesn’t mean it is too late it just shows that his interest in the language was for your situation not in general. Be sure that you work on yourself during this time and in particular read the articles about being Ungettable and your holy trinity.

  6. Avatar

    Sara

    February 9, 2021 at 4:21 pm

    Is there another succes story coming up here anytime sone? I love reading those. They give me hope and inside.

    It is going to take me a long time to get my ex back (if I get him back at all). We are making very slow progress, but I am patient. But those stories help me be patient en be okay with it going slow.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 9, 2021 at 5:31 pm

      Hey Sara, yes there are some podcast interviews being recorded 🙂

  7. Avatar

    Brianna

    February 6, 2021 at 6:01 pm

    Hi! my ex broke up with me beginning of last December, right after he wanted to go no contact and I respected his wishes (he also blocked me on social media) I got in touch with him maybe 3 times in between and he was hostile everytime, but the last time I sent him an email saying that I got a cat if he could help me with it once he has 3 and he was more friendly. He unblocked me last Saturday on WhatsApp after 1 and a half month but he takes ages to reply to my message, won’t initiate a conversation with me and only answer what I ask him. And he also said that he was getting to know someone when I asked him. What should I do? I’m afraid that if I do another NC he forget about me definitely.