I’ll never forget the day my daughter was born.
I was so nervous/scared/confused out of my mind that I didn’t sleep at all while my wife was going through labor. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity there she was.
A little 6lb baby.
And since that day almost every action I have taken in my life has been to protect her.
I know it sounds cliche but it’s true.
So, why am I telling you this?
Well, I want you to know that this is how things are supposed to be.
Mothers are supposed to be loving and supportive and fathers are supposed to be protective but most importantly, they are supposed to be around.
And that leads us to the topic I would like to tackle today.
The baby daddy!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhat Is A Baby Daddy?
So, what is a baby daddy?
Well, Urban dictionary has an interesting definition for you,
Urban Dictionaries Definition: Usually a broke as* man; Who you met through a friend and had sex with when you were upset and confused. Now you have his baby and he doesn’t pay child support.
While I appreciate a good joke this isn’t necessarily the definition I want to be using as we go forward.
So, what is that definition?
Well, I generally define a baby daddy as a man whose baby you have had even though you aren’t involved and he isn’t around to man up (which he should be.)
In other words…
Baby Daddy: The father of your child, whom you are not involved with and he is not anywhere to be found.
Getting an ex back who you have a child with has been a hot topic on Ex Boyfriend Recovery and I can’t tell you how many emails and podcast voicemails I get about this topic.
But the interesting thing is, is that when it comes to getting a “baby daddy” back there doesn’t seem to be anything out there on Google, Yahoo or any of the other big search engines teaching women exactly what to do if they determine they want to get their baby daddy back.
Until now…
One of the reasons that Ex Boyfriend Recovery has become so popular is the fact that I am a little crazy.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizNo seriously, when it comes to writing these articles I go way overboard. In fact, I am sure that half the people who land on my pages are completely turned off because of the sheer size of them.
They are probably thinking,
“Hell no… I am not going to read this. It’s too long!”
In fact, I have on more than one occasion gotten complaints from my visitors that everything I write is too wordy and I go into too much detail. That’s fine I completely understand what they are saying BUT I will say that “ex recovery” is a complex process and every word I use to explain something has a purpose.
Sometimes it takes 6,000 words to explain a concept because this is something that I don’t want you to mess up.
One of the things that you won’t hear a lot of experts out there talking about is that you don’t have infinite chances to get your ex back.
This isn’t some video game where you can start over if you fail at completing the level,
Realistically you only have a few chances before your ex loses interest and moves on to someone else.
And if I have to be overly “wordy” to help you understand things that could impact your love life for the better than I am going to be overly wordy.
This is especially true when there is a child involved.
Getting a baby daddy back isn’t the type of thing you want me to rush through.
Trust me.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSo, Here’s What This Article Will Help You To Accomplish
I want you to close your eyes and imagine something for me.
Think back to your relationship with your ex/baby daddy and focus in on a memory that gets you excited inside.
You know the feeling.
The one where it literally feels like you have butterflies flying around in your stomach.
That’s the feeling I want to give you again with your ex.
That’s what I am trying to accomplish with this article and you have perhaps the greatest advantage any woman can have on her side. You see, you have something that connects you to your ex for the rest of your life, a beautiful child.
And no matter how much of an idiot your baby daddy is at some point in his life he is going to become curious about his child, usually sooner than later.
Of course, women often look at having a child with an ex as a huge hindrance but I have the opposite view. I think the fact that the two of you have created a life together bonds you in a very special way.
It’s just that maybe your “baby daddy” hasn’t realized that yet.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizNow, some of you may be sitting here reading that and going,
Well, why the fu*k hasn’t he realized that yet?
Great question, let’s explore something that a lot of men are afraid to admit.
The Thing Most Men Won’t Admit About Being A Dad
Now, I am going to tell you something really personal and a little embarrassing.
Throughout my life I never really thought much about being a dad (I am one now.)
I just figured that when the time comes I would “figure it out.”
And then my wife got pregnant.
The time for me to “figure it out” had finally arrived and all I could think were selfish thoughts like,
- I wonder if I am going to get any sleep?
- Will I still be able to have the freedom to do what I want when I want?
- Am I going to be one of those lame soccer dads?
Ultimately all of these thoughts scared the living daylights out of me. It’s not that I didn’t want a child it’s that I had never had one before so I didn’t know what to expect.
Oh, and for the record,
- I didn’t get any sleep for about 2 months but it’s all good now.
- I am blessed with an awesome family who pretty much lets me do what I want even though some freedom is a bit more restricted than it was before.
- I hope my daughter doesn’t play soccer… Because I will totally be a lame soccer dad.
Here is my point.
All of these strange thoughts I had before my daughter was born was simply cultivated out of fear.
Fear that I wouldn’t be able to be free… like the bird I once was.
But looking back on the whole experience I am really glad I got a little scared because it gave me some incredible insight into how the male mind works when a woman gets pregnant and has a child.
You see, before I could never understand why a man wouldn’t stick around to raise a child and make a family whole.
I could never understand why he would leave.
But I think I get it now.
Most men may be afraid to admit what I am about to say but I’m not.
WE ARE AFRAID!
Of course, men react to fear in many different ways.
For example, some men will high tail it out of there whereas you have the other segment of men who “man up” and stay.
But I think deep down you already know all of this about your “baby daddy.” The real question you are wondering at this point is if it’s even possible to get him to come back.
Let’s explore that.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIs It Even Possible To Get A “Baby Daddy” Back?
I’m a straight shooter.
Always have been.
So, here is the answer,
Yes, it’s possible to get your “baby daddy” back but only if you do something RADICAL that you probably won’t want to do.
Now, I know what you are thinking,
“RADICAL? How radical are we talking?”
Well, before I “radicalize” you it’s important for me to give you a bit of background.
Do you know what I hate more than anything?
When someone ignores incredible advice.
You may not know this about me but it really pis*es me when I put my heart and soul into giving someone great advice on their ex and they get all fired up about it but when it comes time to actually implement that advice they end up falling short.
I can’t tell you how many times I have seen women do this with their exes and almost every time they end up failing to get him back.
For some reason they convince themselves that they know better than I do.
You don’t…
I have been doing this a very long time and have had some incredible successes,
Hell, I coach people on exes for fun on my podcast!
I live and breathe this stuff every day of my life.
And the thing that I have seen time and time again with the women who actually succeed at getting their exes back is the fact that they do something that most women are afraid to do.
They move on.
Well, perhaps I should rephrase that.
They project to their ex that they are moving on
Pretty radical, right?
It seems so counter-intuitive but I can’t tell you how often I have seen women do this time and time again and have their ex suddenly fall into their lap.
I’ll give you an example.
This was a success story that I got yesterday on Facebook,
Does anything look familiar here?
How about this,
She started focusing on herself and her children and, BAM, all of a sudden her ex is back in the picture.
(Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that her ex was her baby daddy either š .)
Look, I don’t believe in coincidence when I have seen this type of thing time and time again.
Women who properly project to their ex that they are moving on with their lives seem to have some strange effect on their exes.
And for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why but the more and more I look at it the more the picture starts getting clearer and clearer.
I have a theory…
My Theory On Why Projection Is Key
Most men out there won’t want me telling you this but it’s something that you need to know.
Our existence only has meaning when we feel wanted by women.
I’ll tell you a really embarrassing story about myself to prove this point.
Before I met my wife I was essentially single for five years straight. Sure, I went on 20 or 30 dates throughout that time but I never committed to anyone.
Well, perhaps I should rephrase that.
Out of those 20 to 30 dates I went on I maybe felt a connection with a handful of women.
Of course, every single time I felt a connection with a girl and made an attempt to date them I was turned down.
In fact, I can remember every single time very vividly because it made me want to date less and less.
I was once turned down in the rain after spending 10 minutes running to this girls house,
Another time I was stood up on a date (seriously),
Ah, but my personal favorite was when I literally broke my foot on a date after it was going so well (she didn’t call me after that,)
Of course, somewhere along the way, after losing out on opportunity after opportunity I decided that I needed to do something proactive to help my chances.
Immediately my mind jumped to the most vain of reasons,
My looks, it has to be because of the way I look.
That’s when I got an idea.
Wait, what if I started working out a lot and got a really fit body? There’s no way any woman could turn this down,
Essentially I had resided myself to working out and getting fit, not because it was the right thing to do (like it should have been) but because I wanted women to want me as much as I wanted them.
Ah, and now we can come full circle.
By projecting that everything is ok, that the breakup hasn’t broken you, you are aggravating your exes reason to exist.
You see, after the breakup your ex boyfriend is expecting you to act like this,
Why?
Because god forbid you can’t live without him.
And the truth is that after a breakup most women DO act like this which only re-enforces his belief that you can’t live without him.
I say take the opposite approach.
Instead of being an emotional wreck, act like this,
By acting strong and confident after the breakup (even if you aren’t) you will project the fact that you CAN live without your ex and that fact is going to drive him nuts.
Trust me on this!
Of course, I still haven’t answered one of the most pressing questions on your mind.
“How the he*l do I get my baby daddy back?”
Well, the projection aspect I am talking about here is essential BUT there is a lot more to it than just pretending you are ok without him.
In fact, I have a very specific strategy that I want you to follow.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe “Baby Daddy” Strategy
What have we covered so far?
Well, we have only really talked about two big things thus far.
- Most men are afraid of having a child and can run away due to that fact
- If you project that you are ok after the breakup (even if you aren’t) you are more likely to make your ex want you back
These are two very important points that I want you to keep in mind as I teach you my “baby daddy” strategy.
Here is the gist of the strategy,
If this graphic makes sense to you then I would be shocked.
Don’t worry, I am going to really detail each and every thing I listed out on it and it really starts by talking about the two main components of the strategy.
So, when you look at the graphic above the gist of the strategy is divided up into two parts.
- The No Contact Rule
- The Rules For Communication
And within each of those components are certain things that I want you to be doing.
So, here is how this is going to work. I am going to take each component and detail each and every little thing I want you to be doing within it.
Sound far?
Let’s get started!
Component One: The No Contact Rule
Ah the no contact rule…
I feel like I have taught this every single day of my life for the last five years.
Oh wait… I HAVE!
People don’t pay me to be nice to them. They pay me to get results for them and often times results translates into me helping them get their exes back.
And one thing that has become very clear in my research is that the no contact rule is without a doubt one of the best strategies for getting an ex back.
Oh, in case you didn’t know what my version of the no contact rule is here is a quick refresher,
My Version Of No Contact: A period of time where you ignore your ex with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time working on cultivating your own personal life.
Of course, you are in a bit of a strange situation aren’t you?
You are trying to get the father of your child back.
So, does that mean that we can waive the no contact rule for you?
Not exactly!
The no contact rule is actually perfect for your situation since it’s going to allow you time to project (remember we talked about this earlier) and give your ex time to accept the reality that he is your babies daddy (see what I did there?)
Now, when you look at the handy dandy graphic I made for you above and specifically focus in on the no contact rule part of it,
You will notice that there are three little strategies that I want you to employ during it.
- Projection
- The Alteration
- Dating
Again, these are strategies that can only be done when you are actively ignoring your ex via the no contact rule.
But lets talk a little more about the no contact rule before we dive into the three strategies above.
Now, not a lot of people realize this but the no contact rule is really meant to be used as a tool to weed out the people who don’t have a good chance of getting their exes back.
Pretty shocking to hear me say that, huh?
Well, bear with me and I promise it will make a lot of sense.
You see, every person who thinks to themselves,
“I want to get my ex back”
Is going to have a certain percentage chance of success.
For example, someone who didn’t cheat on their ex is going to have a much better shot at getting their ex back when compared to someone who did cheat on their ex.
Of course, when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery I thought that the best way to help people was to come right out of the gate and tell them what kind of chance they had.
And that’s when I met Jackie!
Jackie was… well, Jackie was a little crazy.
As she was explaining her situation to me I knew right away that there was no way that she could ever get her ex back.
Again, are you shocked to hear me admit that?
Well, let me tell you a little about Jackie and you will understand what I mean.
She was obsessed with her ex.
Kind of like Gollum from Lord of The Rings,
Ahem… well ex in her case was loosely defined. Technically she had never dated him before but they were really good friends.
And that’s when she told me the craziest thing.
Jackie had a really beautiful friend that she decided to hire to go to her “exes” (again loosely defined) work and hit on him.
She wanted to see how he would react.
He reacted as any man probably would by asking for her number.
Jackie was devastated and it was at this point that I felt that as a relationship consultant I needed to do what was best for her and that was to look at the big picture and get her ready to move on.
So, I decided to not string her along with false hope and just level with her and tell her that she had no chance.
That she had “creeped” her ex boyfriend out so much that he would never look at her the same.
Jackie reacted as I expected.
She appreciated my honesty and then kept on being creepy towards her ex.
And that’s when I got an idea,
What if instead of overwhelming people with brutal honesty that they aren’t ready to hear in the moment I created some sort of gauntlet to push them through so they would realize if they had a chance or not on their own.
And that’s when my version of the no contact rule was born!
The No Contact Gauntlet
I look at the no contact rule as a way of segmenting people into two groups.
So, in a perfect world my no contact rule would look like this,
Do you see how in my perfect world the no contact rule segments people into two groups.
- Basically those with a good chance
- And those who should move on
But this is only if the no contact rule is properly done.
What my team and I have found is that the no contact rule segments people into three groups,
Look, my team and I have literally worked with thousands of individuals which is why we know that the only reason that third segment gets created is when someone doesn’t do the no contact rule properly.
Usually they break it…
Give in to their addiction of talking to their ex…
They don’t make any meaningful changes with their lives…
They don’t ask themselves the hard questions like,
“Is there truly a future with him?”
These are all things you have to do during the no contact rule.
Ah, but I haven’t even gotten to the best part.
As I am explaining all of this to you, you are probably terrified of ending up into these two groups,
But I am here to tell you that you only need to be terrified of ending up in one.
Care to take a guess at which one that is?
Yup, it’s the third segment where you have no chance but still try to get your ex back anyway.
But why not the other one?
Well, we have actually found that a huge portion of our success stories come from people who use the no contact, decide that they have no chance and move on.
Why do you think that is?
Well, this is a perfect segue.
It’s because of projection.
The Importance Of Projection During (And After) The No Contact Rule
Have you ever heard of “The Grass is Greener Syndrome?”
If you haven’t then here is an article I wrote on the subject. But for those of you who aren’t in the mood to read here’s a quick crash course.
GIGS: The grass is greener syndrome basically occurs when your ex boyfriend believes that by breaking up with you he can find someone better than you.
Lately I have been noticing that this is the root cause of a lot of the breakups that my clients have been coming to me with.
And it completely makes sense if your ex left you as a single mom.
Not only is he trying to run away from fatherly responsibilities he is trying to replace those responsibilities with something “better.”
You see, in your exes (baby daddy) mind being involved in relationship where he has to man up and take care of a woman and a child is scary.
So, a better situation is to enter into a relationship where he doesn’t have those ties.
Of course, understanding why he left isn’t going to do anything for you. What you really want to know is how you can get your baby daddy back in this situation.
Well, that’s where projection comes into play.
Above I mentioned that I have been noticing this really interesting trend where women get fed up of trying to get their exes back and determine that they need to move on.
The interesting trend is due to the fact that women who do this end up somehow magically getting their exes back and I posited that it was because of this idea of projection.
Basically whats happening is that their ex boyfriend is keeping tabs on their life and sees that instead of acting like this,
They act like this,
And this triggers something within him. It makes him look at his ex in a more desirable light.
And let’s not kid ourselves.
YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO OFFER HIM!
Way more than some other girl that he may think he wants.
You are the mother to his child for god sakes!
You have something that will connect you to him forever.
And that’s why my first recommendation during the no contact rule is to project that you are moving on.
I know…
I know…
It sounds so counter-intuitive but trust me when I say that this is what needs to happen if you want to get him back.
Look, I am not saying that you have to move on.
All I am saying is that project that you are.
Your chances will be better for it.
Your No Contact Rule Needs To Be Altered Slightly
If you were to ask me 5 years ago about the no contact rule and how to handle your ex during it I would have given you an answer like this,
You cannot break the no contact rule NO MATTER WHAT!
Well, luckily after 5 years I am not giving that stupid advice.
Generally speaking I have a strict “no breaking the no contact rule” policy.
However, as I have learned more as a coach and consultant I found a flaw in this way of thinking.
What if you share a child with your ex and he sends you a text like this,
It’s not like you can just ignore him, right?
I mean, in this case you probably do want someone to pick up little Ricky at school.
I know…
I know…
Ricky is such a lame name for a make believe kid but bear with me here people.
If you are trying to get your baby daddy back AND you are in the midst of a no contact rule I want you to make one simple alteration.
If your ex texts you about your child you are allowed to break the no contact rule for one simple interaction with him about that child.
Now, let me be clear.
This isn’t me saying that if your ex texts you about your kid that you can open up the floodgates of emotion and turn into miss chatterbox.
I am not saying that at all.
There are very clear rules that I want you to follow.
- You are only allowed to respond one time IF he is the one that brings up your child
- You are NOT allowed to reach out to him during no contact to talk about your child
- If he calls you, you cannot pick it up
- If he calls you and leaves a voicemail about your child then you are only supposed to respond to him with one text message answering his questions
Get it?
Got it?
Good!
Let’s move on.
I Want You To Do Something Controversial For Me… Go On A Date
If I am being honest with you I came up with this idea as a gut feeling.
My gut is telling me that this will work like gangbusters…
And to be honest with you my gut is very rarely wrong.
In fact, almost every woman who has tried this tactic out has seen some type of positive result from it and it perfectly aligns with my theory on projection.
So, what is this idea?
I want you to go on a date.
I know…
I know…
You are a single mom… (That doesn’t mean you can’t go on a date.)
You don’t have time… (Make time!)
Won’t that just piss him off? (Here’s an idea… Who cares?)
Look, I have a 1 and a half year old daughter (at the time of this writing) and I know how much of a time commitment she requires. It is literally an all day job taking care of her.
In fact, the only reason I am able to sit in my office and pump out these articles is due to the fact that my awesome wife watches her all day.
Without that I am pretty sure this site would disappear into oblivion (scary I know.)
I get that children require a huge time commitment and I am betting your ex understands that to.
So, lets just go out on a limb and assume the he understands that.
In his mind there is no possible way that you could make time to go on a date.
Imagine the shock on his face when he hears through the grapevine that you are on a date.
His view of your reality will completely change and that’s a good thing.
What’s that famous phrase they use about consumers?
Competition is a good thing…
And in this case it definitely is.
Use your time during no contact to go on a few days. Really sell the projection idea.
The Rules For Communication
Now we are getting to the good stuff.
Below are the rules that I want you to follow after you have successfully employed the no contact rule,
- No Talking About Children First
- Disciplined Conversations
- Hit On Similarities
- Prove You Are Picky But Still Like Them
Now, I realize some of you may be reading this and thinking,
“Holy Crap! How the heck am I supposed to do all of this stuff? What does it even mean?”
If this is you please take a deep breath and know, like always, I have your back.
I am going to go down the list above and explain each little rule in detail!
No Talking About Children First
I know this seems a weird rule but it’s here for a reason.
You see, a few months ago I interviewed a woman by the name of Marina Margulis where we talked about empowering women after a breakup.
You can watch our interview below,
Somewhere in the interview we got to talking about couples who have kids together and I mentioned that now that my wife and I have our own little bundle of joy a lot of our conversations revolve around the baby.
What Marina said next even shocked me…
“That can be dangerous! One of the biggest issues with couples I see now-a-day’s is the fact that all of their conversations revolve around children.”
And the more I thought about it the more I thought that she was right.
If a couple talks non stop about their children together then it’s almost like the identity of their relationship becomes about that child.
And that’s a problem I see a lot of women with kids fall into with their ex.
Instead of trying to talk about things that will re-attract him they talk about their kids and while kids can be a great anchoring point they probably aren’t going to re-attract him.
So, here is the rule I want you to abide by when you text, talk on the phone or in person.
I don’t want you to bring up your children at all. Let him do it.
If he does then you have my permission to open up the floodgates with cute baby pictures,
Get it?
Got it?
Good!
Let’s move on.
Disciplined Conversations
What do you think I mean by disciplined conversations?
Well, when I talk about being disciplined what I am really harping on is how you are ending your conversations.
One thing I see all too often with women is the fact that when they finally do start talking to their “baby daddy” they get enamored with the conversation and forget to end it first.
Ending the conversations first and leaving a man wanting more is key to the strategy I teach.
And I have found that the women who do it successfully have incredible results.
Don’t forget to end conversations first.
Hit On Similarities
This is something that a lot of women forget.
Last night my wife and I were watching “The Bachelor.”
Now, before you judge me based on the fact that I was watching that cr*p I do want to say that technically I can call it research?
Ok…
Ok…
It’s a pretty lame excuse but just bear with me here.
On the first episode of a season of “The Bachelor” 30 women try their best to convince a man to give them a rose.
Of course, if a woman secures a rose she gets to stay in the competition for another week.
But what really interested me last night when I was watching was the fact that there is this thing called “The First Impression Rose.”
Essentially this is a rose that’s given out before all of the other ones to the girl that the bachelor likes the most.
And last night before the bachelor gave the first impression rose out I turned to my wife and said the following,
That girl right there is going to get the first impression rose.
Of course, my wife being in an argumentative mood decided to disagree with me.
What do you think happened next?
Yup, the first impression rose was given to the woman I thought it would.
“How did you know she would get it?” my wife asked.
Well, for one, I understand how men think.
Secondly, I watched and listened the the conversation the bachelor had with this woman and it became clear to me that the two of them had more in common than any of the other girls vying for his heart.
Similarities is essentially the same thing as attraction to men…
And I want you to use that to your advantage with your ex.
When you talk to him make sure you hit on those similarities that you have with him as much as possible.
Prove That You Are Picky But At The Same Time Still Like Him
Getting a “baby daddy” back is a fine line.
One part of you wants nothing more to jump into his arms and beg for him back.
Another part of you wants to tell him to fu*k off…
Which issue do you think we have had more of an issue with here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery?
Yup, most women just want nothing more to jump into his arms and beg for him back.
But sometimes that’s not the best play.
It proves that you are desperate.
It’s ok to make him work a little for your love.
Leah Howlett
October 16, 2024 at 3:43 pm
This was an incredible article! I donāt care how long they are, keep writing them like this! You kept me intrigued and every single thing you said made perfect sense. I might need to hire you as a coach if I canāt keep my stupid mouth shut and stop texting Blake. But honestly your article reiterated what I was thinking I need to do so thank you.
I am only 4 weeks pregnant but Iām so excited and I want nothing more than to bring this baby into the world. My Hangup isnāt my less than ideal financial situation or stupid job, itās the fact that Iām in love with a baby daddy who has major commit issues to me! He wants the baby, but I hate that I will have to see him and be in love with him while he ānothingsā me. But I am getting way ahead of myself. I have 9 months to ignore the shit out of him haha! And youāre right, either heāll want me back or Iāll get over him. I will need help navigating once we start talking again because he always comes back once I back off then he backs off again and Iām like āfeck you!!!ā So, tBD.
Thank you again. This was very helpful.
Sasha
September 10, 2024 at 3:43 pm
My ex and father of my child is being really weird. He has been texting me a ton – outside of our communication agreement. When we split (his choice, not mine), I was still pregnant. He asked me to keep him in the loop and I agreed. We agreed we would communicate on appointment days only (either could text first). That lasted maybe a week or two. Then he started to become rather obsessive with the texting.
He will text me almost daily now, even on weekends and from work. He is constantly asking me how I’m feeling, how things are going and if anything has changed. Part of our original agreement for communication was I would reach out outside of appointments IF something major happened – like labor began. He knows if I haven’t reached out, nothing has changed. Yet he still feels the need to reach out and ask me if there are any changes routinely and always tells me to reach out and let him know if anything changes.
He is also begging me to tell him just as soon as labor begins. Labor could start at anytime at this point (we have been separated for about a month and a half now). He is like majorly freaking out about it. I’ve never hid anything and have kept my end of the deal without issue, yet he is begging me all the time to tell him whenever I am needing the hospital no matter what time it is and even told me to call him whenever it happened. I have told him from the start he is allowed to be present still for the birth. I would never deny him that. I’m not sure why he is acting like this and constantly checking in on me outside of appointments.
It sort of feels like the check-ins are unnecessarily excessive for JUST a co-parenting relationship, especially when we talked about all this and made communication guidelines (and he does know my appointment schedule). He keeps telling me how much he can’t wait til the day comes when we do meet our baby and stuff.
Is he just being a co-parent excited to meet his child, or is he not over us and wanting to reconcile as a romantic couple?
Input and advice would be really appreciated!
Star
September 3, 2024 at 6:15 pm
So my ex baby daddy is starting to text me “unnecessarily”. I am still pregnant and have not had the baby yet, but it’s close.
He initiated the split and I didn’t agree with it. We have not talked about “us” and have not mentioned anything about getting back together. We also haven’t discussed anything related to co-parenting (like what the plan will be once the baby is born and how we will do visits).
Initially, communication was kept at a minimum. He would do the initiating and would only text on appointment days. He wouldn’t text during the day (it would be evenings after work only) and he would never text on weekends. Conversation was kept brief. He would ask how an appointment went, I would provide a brief recap and he’d thank me. That would be the end of it. He asked me if I’d text him first instead, so I did. I would text him after appointments to fill him in. He would thank me and then that would be it.
Now, it’s changing. He will text me from work and even on the weekend. He will text me almost daily instead of just once a week or so. He isn’t waiting for me to text him. If it is an appointment day and I haven’t texted “on time”, he will text me instead.
He is constantly texting to ask how everything is going and to ask if anything is changing. I have already told him several times that I would text him as soon as labor began/I was going to the hospital. I have also told him numerous times I’d keep him updated with anything important. That apparently isnt enough because he keeps texting very often to ask how things are going and ask for updates even when there aren’t any updates to share.
He is getting more emotional about the baby too. He keeps telling me how he can’t wait for the birth and can’t wait to meet our baby and how they are perfect already. He has also told me if I need anything to let him know and has told me to tell him just as soon as I am going to the hospital, no matter what time of day or night it is.
He had asked me early on in the breakup if I was still ok with him being present for the birth when that time came. I had said yes and gave him permission to be present which seemed to be a big relief to him. I’ve kept up my end of the deal and have maintained contact to update him when necessary. I don’t text other than that though. But he is starting to use “check ins” as an excuse to text me.
I don’t get why all of a sudden he is like obsessed with asking about updates and texting nearly every day to ask. It should be obvious if he hasn’t heard from me, nothing new has happened and things are still the same as they were the last update. He knows the appointment schedule, so it isn’t like he is accidentally forgetting when an appointment is or something. And he certainly knows I wouldn’t have an appointment on a weekend day.
Is he maybe having second thoughts about leaving? Is he using “checking in” as an excuse to maintain contact with me without being “obvious”? Does he still have feelings for me that go beyond just co-parenting? Speaking of co-parenting, is he maybe not mentioning a plan because his plan is to just NOT co-parent and just be together as a family again?
Renee
September 2, 2024 at 11:37 pm
Hi!
I just read this and am wondering how some of the rules may change if you are currently pregnant. I understand going on a date as a single mom – buuuut a date when 5-6 month pregnant? Not sure. I see some other moms are wondering the same thing – how do we navigate with an ex while pregnant.
He is taking responsibility for the child and sending me money for doctors appointments. He has an avoidant attachment style and is currently super shut down, stressed, drinking too much, and trying to escape his life.
He also is still struggling coping with his divorce (that happened 2 years ago).
I think I just need to give him a lot of space and move on. Do the no contact rule – meaning I never initiate contact and keep my responses to him short and sweet.
Anything else?
Sunshine
August 15, 2024 at 3:09 am
I really need some advice. I’m pregnant and my now-ex (baby’s dad) left. At first, we both made mistakes. He was really angry towards me over something small and yelled at me at lot. I was really upset by the reaction (not only was it hurtful in general, but well, add pregnancy hormones to the mix too and you have an emotional mess!). I then made my own mistakes (the usual – crying/begging for a reconsideration… cringe!). He initiated the break up obviously. Despite that he still told me that he had always loved me and always would the night he left.
Well, I am much better now. I am no longer begging or acting like I care. The no contact rule is messy since I AM pregnant with his child and he does still have a right to know updates. He has asked for them too. He can’t go to the last appointments, so he is always asking me to update on everything.
His behavior is a little hot and cold, so I’m not sure if he is starting to come around and reconsider his decision to leave or what.
First, he was being relatively brief and short when we’d talk. He would text to ask for an update, I’d provide it and that was that. Then the conversations started to change. He started to text on non-appointment days while still at work instead of only texting after work when it was an appointment or other important day. He started acting like he wanted to prolong the conversations. He asked ME to text first with updates going forward. It was like he was wanting a way to “ask” me to text him without seeming obvious, so he used the baby as a reason.
He thanks me rather excessively for providing updates. He used to just say thanks once and go on. Now he gives all kinds of thank yous over and over. He also makes sure to keep insisting I text him first to give updates. He also asked me if he was still welcome in the delivery room when the baby is born. I think he was low-key worried about me potentially changing my mind and saying no. I know it would hurt him to not experience that, so I said yes. I wouldn’t want to keep him from his child… ever.
The last conversation he was venturing a bit close to the “reminiscing” zone. I shared an ultrasound pic and he loved it. He thanked me for sharing it with him and then started talking very fondly about the baby and saying how he couldn’t wait to meet them. He also said he wanted me and the baby to stay safe/healthy.
So I’m not real sure what to think with his behavior. Is there a likelihood of him wanting to get back together? Is it likely he still has feelings for me? We haven’t really talked about “us” or what happened. We haven’t said I love you or anything. We haven’t really had any conversations outside of the baby at the moment. We haven’t spent time together in person yet. Do you think the behavior shift is kind of an indication that he is going to want to reconcile and be together again? Or is he over me and done with me/us and just being civil?
Natasha
August 12, 2024 at 6:24 am
Am really desperate, I might addicted to him and I hate it. I find it hard going days without talking to him but he can do it with ease. I have very strong feelings for him because heās the one man who has treated me right but it all changed when I got pregnant. I really him back, I will try the no contact method. I really love this man.
Sara
August 9, 2024 at 2:05 pm
In MAJOR need of advice about getting my ex boyfriend and the father of my child back. I am getting some mixed signals from him lately. I’m not sure if I’m doing things “right” and he’s starting to come around and reconsider things and consider reconciliation or if I’m pushing him away and he’s done for good and in moving on stage. There has been no mention of dating anyone else, so I assume he’s not, but I don’t know where his mind is with that.
We’ve been separated about a month now. The situation of the separation was rather messy. I made some initial mistakes I am now embarrassed about (BUT I’m only human, I was incredibly emotionally vulnerable and well, pregnancy hormones!), but I have redeemed myself so to speak. So, no more begging, seeming crazy or asking for another chance. Nope. That’s done. I am being calm and collected and focusing on myself and this child. During conversations since the separation, I’ve made NO mention of “us” or what happened. I have made him do all the imitation when it comes to talking. I am brief and civil just as he is.
He’s now starting to want ME to do the initiating with texts. How is he trying to “rope me into that”? The baby. He has asked me to text HIM with updates and stuff. Usually, he’s been the one texting. His jumping off point will be asking how the baby is doing or asking how an appointment went. He only does that in the evening after work and only on appointment days. Or well, he USED to! Recently, he switched. He randomly texted me one morning, from work, to ask how the baby was, and it wasn’t an appointment day, so technically, there was no “real reason” for him to reach out and “ask how the baby was”. We briefly chatted about that. Then he asked if I’d tell him how the next appointment was. I agreed to do so. It sort of felt like he was trying to bait me and “make me” text first, using the baby as an excuse. Not sure why he’d have that change and text me in the morning from work and also request that I text first the next time.
When I did the update, I was brief and to the point. He was very appreciative. He thanked me more than necessary for the info. He told me to keep him in the loop and be sure to tell him everything that goes on and share pictures and stuff. I agreed I would keep him in the loop regarding important update, but did not say anything about sharing any pictures. My thought was “if you want to see the growing belly and stuff, your butt needs to BE here!” Of course, I didn’t SAY that, but it was what I was thinking!
He once again went overboard with thanking me. The real bombshell came when he sent a double text, asking me if I still planned to have him in the delivery room with me when our child arrives. I’m not sure why he would ask that or think he still had that type of “right” or “entitlement” since we are no longer together as a couple and he is simply just the “baby daddy”. He could easily just wait to see the baby AFTER the birth. If he has NO connection with me romantically, he kind of doesn’t need to be in that room during such a vulnerable moment. I mean what’s he going to do? Hold my hand and provide the comfort and support a PARTNER would? We aren’t together anymore, right? So, why should he be allowed to be with me during such a vulnerable time in my life when I’ll need SUPPORT?
I’m sort of thinking that was his way of casually testing the waters – testing to see how I would react. Would I blow up, freak out and say “HELL NO!”, or would I still agree to allow him to be in the room like we always planned on? I think he may have been worried about that. I think he may have had the “oh crap – I may actually MISS the birth of my child” moment of realization. I honestly think it would hurt him if I chose to keep him out of the room during the birth. I think that’s why he asked if I still wanted that to be a thing. I think that had been weighing on his mind, but he didn’t want to admit feeling scared or worried, so he asked me casually yet point-blank.
For the record, I did say yes. I told him he could still be in the room. I could never keep him from witnessing the birth of his child, even though it is my right to choose. I just couldn’t say no and force him out like that. I do still love him and would like nothing more for us to reconcile.
He was casual when I said yes and said alright, but I think he was likely a lot more relieved than he let on. I think he was probably sweating bullets the whole time he awaited my response to that question. I think he was really worried I may change my mind and tell him to stay out.
Speaking of fear, I think that may have had a large role in WHY he ran out on us. A first-time pregnancy is A LOT. Ours was planned, but neither of us have had a child of our own before. I was focusing on the important things and doing my usual “nesting and preparing” as a typical mom-to-be. He was a lot more casual with his responsibility. He would ask why I was doing certain things “so early” sometimes or comment that we still had “plenty of time”. I reminded him how quick time went by and how prep work was crucial. I think he was trying to avoid the realization of just how much this baby was going to change our lives. I think as we got closer to the due date (which is indeed right around the corner now), I think he was starting to panic. I think he was thinking “ok – EVERYTHING is about to get REAL. I can’t stay casual anymore. I really am about to become a DAD… oh crap!”
I’m not saying it was ok for him to run off on us. I know that was not ok. But I do understand the fear. I’ve had my own worries and fears throughout this pregnancy and I’ve had my own “oh crap – I’m about to be a MOM!” feelings. His leaving ADDED to my stresses and worries. My mind reverted to “WTF just happened?! The love of my life and man I agreed to create a child with just LEFT US. I am about to become a SINGLE mom. How am I going to do all this alone?”
I know I have only briefly described the situation of course. I know I left out details of what happened, why he left, etc. But, I hope what I have provided gives SOME insight and helps you determine the possible odds of a reconciliation and maybe some insight into his behavior after the separation.
If you could offer any assistance, I’d be very grateful. I’d love to talk to you in detail, send a full email with ALL the info from start to finish and get REAL advice, but I don’t really have the extra $300 for that right now, so I figured I’d do the next best thing and give this a shot.
Thank you for your time! You are great at what you do!
Layla
June 3, 2024 at 5:14 pm
I really do appreciate this read big time, but my whole dilemma is what if I am currently 5 months pregnant with his child, then how do I navigate around this all. What about when the baby is about to be born?
Hannah
May 24, 2024 at 9:24 pm
I need some really good advice on what Iām about to say. Me and my ābaby daddyā were living together and you know, all relationships have some issues, we had communication problems too. I would hang out with my girls at the bar and some guy seemed really jealous of me, he started to get ahold of my baby daddy and tell him the most awful lies about me. He blew up on me and didnāt believe me when I said what he said isnāt true at all. He argued and he kicked me out of the house I lived at too. I had to go back home since he was so angry at me. He said he didnāt want to continue the relationship anymore also because āother issuesā we never really discussed about. We have a son together. I do want to work things out. I donāt know how to change his mind about things or if heās actually just really pissed off thinking idk. He has our son right now, I had him for a few days b4 this, I didnāt want him to think he had to get full custody or something. I wish I knew the reasoning behind guys thoughts. I really hope he wants to work on things too. How can I really get him to want me and miss the shit outta me. I need some really good advice how to get him to. Thanks. You can email me too if you can. I appreciate it.
Lina
December 21, 2023 at 12:25 pm
This is a niceeeee article!!! But please can u tell me how do I get by if Iām living with him still saving my money to move out and we have a 4 month old and he talks to his female coworkers and females on social mediaā¼ļøāļø
Coach Shaunna
December 31, 2023 at 4:22 am
Hi Lina, when you share children you follow a limited no contact period where you only discuss your child and nothing else. shared responsibilities and other than that you follow the No Contact rules.
Melissa
October 26, 2023 at 1:05 pm
This was one.of the best articles I have read in a very long time. I do have one question, what if a new guy friend calls while in front of ex boyfriend/dad, do you answer the call or call him back at a better time?
Coach Shaunna
November 12, 2023 at 7:29 am
Hi Melissa, this really depends on what you want to achieve if you want your ex back, then I would allow your phone to ring out and get back in touch with the friend after – more so that you are not too eager to speak to the new guy friend but also show you’re not rushing away from your ex / ex father to speak to another guy.
Michelle Moreno
May 14, 2023 at 11:24 am
My boyfriend/ baby daddy of 6.5 years has been indifferent with me. .. I found our he is cheating on me with his coworker. He is denying that he is cheating and that he we would never do that to someone because he wouldn’t like forvsomeone to do it to him. But why would that co worker dm him on Instagram and say goodnight baby..if there is nothing going on.. I told him I would drop the subject and believe he is telling me the truth.. Right now our situation is we are taking time to ourselves and having no physical contact while still sharing our home.. which means we aren’t together but living under the same roof… He says he is over my insecurities and jealosy.. I want to believe him that he did not cheat.. I want our family together again and I want us to be a happy couple again. The arguments happen due to us not being financially stable and him having to work 17+ hours a day. I don’t know if I am making the right decision in letting him stay. I want win him back
Coach Shaunna
November 9, 2023 at 5:00 pm
Hi Michelle, reading this I think that your guy has definitely cheated on you even if it was only emotionally he has been having intimate messages with his co worker, that is crossing a line for you where she calls him “baby” that is not a term of friendship. He will deny any wrong doing on his part, as in his mind maybe he has not physically cheated. As far as living together while being broken up that is not an easy thing to go through and sometimes it is easier to ask them to leave the family home if you can financially survive on your own for the short term. I would suggest that you read this article to understand your LIMITED no contact plan and also how to get your ex back that you share children with. https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-get-your-ex-back-when-you-have-a-child-with-them/
Barbie
February 14, 2023 at 5:27 am
There was much love btwn me and my boyfriend but I got pregnant both we werenāt ready though i decided to carry the baby and he wanted me to abort. A lot changed since then but his sister and mom have supported me throughout. I miss and love my boyfriend I wish and pray things remained as they were. I wish we get back I donāt want to lose him and I want my child to be his dad and mom not step parents in the future
Nikita
February 5, 2023 at 9:29 pm
My ex and I have been off and on for 7 years now. Sometimes the split lasts awhile, and sometimes only a few weeks. We have a 2 year old and heās an amazing father. He gets these moments where he wants the family life. We just split up again 1 month ago and Iām devastated. I was so close to having my family back together. I donāt know what Iām doing wrong
Coach Shaunna Nicol
February 10, 2023 at 7:16 pm
You need to work out the reasons that you continue to break up – that is the pattern you keep repeating. Fix the issues in the relationship to make it work for the long term
Kels
January 18, 2023 at 5:20 am
I need your help. (Yes, I read everything). I’m 37. My baby daddy wanted me. I ended it. Moved to another state. Married the first woman he slept with.
I was 4 mos pregnant with our son.
This was March 2019. We are civil finally. He’s coming to see his son for thr 3rd time. I want him back.
Is this even possible or is it too late? I found your blog too late.
Or did I?
Coach Shaunna Nicol
January 18, 2023 at 6:06 pm
Hi Kels, we do not support anyone trying to break up a marriage. I’m afraid once someone is married you take that as they have officially moved on. If he was to leave the wife then of course we can support you
Kristylynn
December 11, 2022 at 1:45 pm
My baby daddy of 2 small children cheated with the nasty girl next door I immediately broke it off no contact that was a year ago I’ve been put thru he’ll with her spreading lies harrassing me n even tho I show him in black n white he found a way to flip it on me. Now he left her she has a new dude living with her a day later and he is very regretful and calling me talking to me. Being nice and kind to me. I’m totally confused.
Ashaante
September 26, 2022 at 2:14 pm
If have been on the no contact rule for 10 days now.My ex and I broke up ;it is almost a month now .We dated for 2years and have a 1year old son.We were so happy .But suddenly he started to drink more ;did not worry about my opinion and said that he did not want to be in the relationship no more .I was very heartbroken .A day passed and he contact me saying that he’s sorry and do not know what is happening .He said to me he is going to work on himself .Oky I said !I will give you a second chance.About a week we started to argue.He said to me that he thinks it is better if we take a break.So we did .We agreed to talk when he is ready .So when we were ready we talked.He said that he is not cheating and that he doesn’t feel like in the beginning.He said he have to let me go ;because he know that he is hurting me and he do not want to do that .He said that I am the love of his life and he doesn’t want anyone else .He have to let me go and he loves me so much.But is mindset is not right now.He has to get himself right without me by his sight.He also said that we should be in contact and I shouldn’t forget ofhim and throw him forever away .And that he promise to be the person that me and our child deserves .So now I am on the no contact rule .And we only talk when it revolves around our child .He’s suddenly so gentle when we talk and the other day he asked to video call our child .I did not reply ;although I want to …But still the temptation comes to chat with him … Please help ;because I am so confused.
Stormie
July 22, 2022 at 9:53 pm
How do you address the issue of them coming back when there is also an issue of them not contributing and helping out with the children being that they’re not around anymore. If we want them to come back around but they’re not helping with the children also since the separation, or responding to messages. Should I go for child support or with this complicate the situation and make them not come back at all
Coach Shaunna Nicol
July 24, 2022 at 8:49 pm
Hi Stormie, so yes go for child support regardless of your relationships status with him if he is not willingly helping then you get the support. He isn’t going to change his mind based on financially supporting your children. However, if he has decided that the end of your relationship means that he is no longer going to support his children I would suggest you re consider what you’re going to gain from getting a man like this back
Jacie
June 28, 2022 at 11:26 pm
I just have to say, after reading your article, I took your advice. I did the āno contactā method. For 4 weeks. And it worked!! Heās all of a sudden been blowing my phone up, having deep conversations with me about life, trying to take me out on dates, and genuinely trying with me now. I hung out with him once and he seems different, in a good way! He seems to be more involved with me and his unborn child, he even kissed me before taking me home. Which heās never done. After doing the no contact method it seems like it brought him closer to me, without me actually having to do anything. The advice you gave has worked for me! I love it. Thank you so much.
Alejandra
June 19, 2022 at 4:29 am
I broke up with my ex 6 months ago, I was pregnant and we been fighting a lot, weeks after that I was begging him and he was giving me mixed signals, then I post a old pic with a guy and he sees the pic but he didnāt say anything, then like 1 month later he was dating a girl and I was so devastated but I was hoping that maybe when the baby was born he would change his mind and come back with me. I didnāt beg him anymore and when he came to see the baby I always made sure I look good, months later he was coming more frequently and I thought that everything was working I always was acting so normal like I was taking with any other person and I noticed that he always got nervous so I was like this is working but then so we used to work together but because I was pregnant I didnāt work for like 3 months and a half so when I went back to work he was so nervous and I was so nervous too and we work in a kitchen and something it was just me and him so one day that we was working together we was talking and everything and I was like āyea he still likes meā like I was so sure so I begin to flirt with him and then like two days later he put a profile pic in Instagram with his new girl and I was so confused because everything was going pretty good we were talking and he looked like he still into me. But I guess that he noticed that in me too, that I was still into him.