I’ll never forget the day my daughter was born.
I was so nervous/scared/confused out of my mind that I didn’t sleep at all while my wife was going through labor. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity there she was.
A little 6lb baby.
And since that day almost every action I have taken in my life has been to protect her.
I know it sounds cliche but it’s true.
So, why am I telling you this?
Well, I want you to know that this is how things are supposed to be.
Mothers are supposed to be loving and supportive and fathers are supposed to be protective but most importantly, they are supposed to be around.
And that leads us to the topic I would like to tackle today.
The baby daddy!
What Is A Baby Daddy?
So, what is a baby daddy?
Well, Urban dictionary has an interesting definition for you,
Urban Dictionaries Definition: Usually a broke as* man; Who you met through a friend and had sex with when you were upset and confused. Now you have his baby and he doesn’t pay child support.
While I appreciate a good joke this isn’t necessarily the definition I want to be using as we go forward.
So, what is that definition?
Well, I generally define a baby daddy as a man whose baby you have had even though you aren’t involved and he isn’t around to man up (which he should be.)
In other words…
Baby Daddy: The father of your child, whom you are not involved with and he is not anywhere to be found.
Getting an ex back who you have a child with has been a hot topic on Ex Boyfriend Recovery and I can’t tell you how many emails and podcast voicemails I get about this topic.
But the interesting thing is, is that when it comes to getting a “baby daddy” back there doesn’t seem to be anything out there on Google, Yahoo or any of the other big search engines teaching women exactly what to do if they determine they want to get their baby daddy back.
One of the reasons that Ex Boyfriend Recovery has become so popular is the fact that I am a little crazy.
No seriously, when it comes to writing these articles I go way overboard. In fact, I am sure that half the people who land on my pages are completely turned off because of the sheer size of them.
They are probably thinking,
“Hell no… I am not going to read this. It’s too long!”
In fact, I have on more than one occasion gotten complaints from my visitors that everything I write is too wordy and I go into too much detail. That’s fine I completely understand what they are saying BUT I will say that “ex recovery” is a complex process and every word I use to explain something has a purpose.
Sometimes it takes 6,000 words to explain a concept because this is something that I don’t want you to mess up.
One of the things that you won’t hear a lot of experts out there talking about is that you don’t have infinite chances to get your ex back.
This isn’t some video game where you can start over if you fail at completing the level,
Realistically you only have a few chances before your ex loses interest and moves on to someone else.
And if I have to be overly “wordy” to help you understand things that could impact your love life for the better than I am going to be overly wordy.
This is especially true when there is a child involved.
Getting a baby daddy back isn’t the type of thing you want me to rush through.
So, Here’s What This Article Will Help You To Accomplish
I want you to close your eyes and imagine something for me.
Think back to your relationship with your ex/baby daddy and focus in on a memory that gets you excited inside.
You know the feeling.
The one where it literally feels like you have butterflies flying around in your stomach.
That’s the feeling I want to give you again with your ex.
That’s what I am trying to accomplish with this article and you have perhaps the greatest advantage any woman can have on her side. You see, you have something that connects you to your ex for the rest of your life, a beautiful child.
And no matter how much of an idiot your baby daddy is at some point in his life he is going to become curious about his child, usually sooner than later.
Of course, women often look at having a child with an ex as a huge hindrance but I have the opposite view. I think the fact that the two of you have created a life together bonds you in a very special way.
It’s just that maybe your “baby daddy” hasn’t realized that yet.
Now, some of you may be sitting here reading that and going,
Well, why the fu*k hasn’t he realized that yet?
Great question, let’s explore something that a lot of men are afraid to admit.
The Thing Most Men Won’t Admit About Being A Dad
Now, I am going to tell you something really personal and a little embarrassing.
Throughout my life I never really thought much about being a dad (I am one now.)
I just figured that when the time comes I would “figure it out.”
And then my wife got pregnant.
The time for me to “figure it out” had finally arrived and all I could think were selfish thoughts like,
- I wonder if I am going to get any sleep?
- Will I still be able to have the freedom to do what I want when I want?
- Am I going to be one of those lame soccer dads?
Ultimately all of these thoughts scared the living daylights out of me. It’s not that I didn’t want a child it’s that I had never had one before so I didn’t know what to expect.
Oh, and for the record,
- I didn’t get any sleep for about 2 months but it’s all good now.
- I am blessed with an awesome family who pretty much lets me do what I want even though some freedom is a bit more restricted than it was before.
- I hope my daughter doesn’t play soccer… Because I will totally be a lame soccer dad.
Here is my point.
All of these strange thoughts I had before my daughter was born was simply cultivated out of fear.
Fear that I wouldn’t be able to be free… like the bird I once was.
But looking back on the whole experience I am really glad I got a little scared because it gave me some incredible insight into how the male mind works when a woman gets pregnant and has a child.
You see, before I could never understand why a man wouldn’t stick around to raise a child and make a family whole.
I could never understand why he would leave.
But I think I get it now.
Most men may be afraid to admit what I am about to say but I’m not.
WE ARE AFRAID!
Of course, men react to fear in many different ways.
For example, some men will high tail it out of there whereas you have the other segment of men who “man up” and stay.
But I think deep down you already know all of this about your “baby daddy.” The real question you are wondering at this point is if it’s even possible to get him to come back.
Let’s explore that.
Is It Even Possible To Get A “Baby Daddy” Back?
I’m a straight shooter.
Always have been.
So, here is the answer,
Yes, it’s possible to get your “baby daddy” back but only if you do something RADICAL that you probably won’t want to do.
Now, I know what you are thinking,
“RADICAL? How radical are we talking?”
Well, before I “radicalize” you it’s important for me to give you a bit of background.
Do you know what I hate more than anything?
When someone ignores incredible advice.
You may not know this about me but it really pis*es me when I put my heart and soul into giving someone great advice on their ex and they get all fired up about it but when it comes time to actually implement that advice they end up falling short.
I can’t tell you how many times I have seen women do this with their exes and almost every time they end up failing to get him back.
For some reason they convince themselves that they know better than I do.
I have been doing this a very long time and have had some incredible successes,
Hell, I coach people on exes for fun on my podcast!
I live and breathe this stuff every day of my life.
And the thing that I have seen time and time again with the women who actually succeed at getting their exes back is the fact that they do something that most women are afraid to do.
They move on.
Well, perhaps I should rephrase that.
They project to their ex that they are moving on
Pretty radical, right?
It seems so counter-intuitive but I can’t tell you how often I have seen women do this time and time again and have their ex suddenly fall into their lap.
I’ll give you an example.
This was a success story that I got yesterday on Facebook,
Does anything look familiar here?
How about this,
She started focusing on herself and her children and, BAM, all of a sudden her ex is back in the picture.
(Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that her ex was her baby daddy either 😉 .)
Look, I don’t believe in coincidence when I have seen this type of thing time and time again.
Women who properly project to their ex that they are moving on with their lives seem to have some strange effect on their exes.
And for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why but the more and more I look at it the more the picture starts getting clearer and clearer.
I have a theory…
My Theory On Why Projection Is Key
Most men out there won’t want me telling you this but it’s something that you need to know.
Our existence only has meaning when we feel wanted by women.
I’ll tell you a really embarrassing story about myself to prove this point.
Before I met my wife I was essentially single for five years straight. Sure, I went on 20 or 30 dates throughout that time but I never committed to anyone.
Well, perhaps I should rephrase that.
Out of those 20 to 30 dates I went on I maybe felt a connection with a handful of women.
Of course, every single time I felt a connection with a girl and made an attempt to date them I was turned down.
In fact, I can remember every single time very vividly because it made me want to date less and less.
I was once turned down in the rain after spending 10 minutes running to this girls house,
Another time I was stood up on a date (seriously),
Ah, but my personal favorite was when I literally broke my foot on a date after it was going so well (she didn’t call me after that,)
Of course, somewhere along the way, after losing out on opportunity after opportunity I decided that I needed to do something proactive to help my chances.
Immediately my mind jumped to the most vain of reasons,
My looks, it has to be because of the way I look.
That’s when I got an idea.
Wait, what if I started working out a lot and got a really fit body? There’s no way any woman could turn this down,
Essentially I had resided myself to working out and getting fit, not because it was the right thing to do (like it should have been) but because I wanted women to want me as much as I wanted them.
Ah, and now we can come full circle.
By projecting that everything is ok, that the breakup hasn’t broken you, you are aggravating your exes reason to exist.
You see, after the breakup your ex boyfriend is expecting you to act like this,
Because god forbid you can’t live without him.
And the truth is that after a breakup most women DO act like this which only re-enforces his belief that you can’t live without him.
I say take the opposite approach.
Instead of being an emotional wreck, act like this,
By acting strong and confident after the breakup (even if you aren’t) you will project the fact that you CAN live without your ex and that fact is going to drive him nuts.
Trust me on this!
Of course, I still haven’t answered one of the most pressing questions on your mind.
“How the he*l do I get my baby daddy back?”
Well, the projection aspect I am talking about here is essential BUT there is a lot more to it than just pretending you are ok without him.
In fact, I have a very specific strategy that I want you to follow.
The “Baby Daddy” Strategy
What have we covered so far?
Well, we have only really talked about two big things thus far.
- Most men are afraid of having a child and can run away due to that fact
- If you project that you are ok after the breakup (even if you aren’t) you are more likely to make your ex want you back
These are two very important points that I want you to keep in mind as I teach you my “baby daddy” strategy.
Here is the gist of the strategy,
If this graphic makes sense to you then I would be shocked.
Don’t worry, I am going to really detail each and every thing I listed out on it and it really starts by talking about the two main components of the strategy.
So, when you look at the graphic above the gist of the strategy is divided up into two parts.
- The No Contact Rule
- The Rules For Communication
And within each of those components are certain things that I want you to be doing.
So, here is how this is going to work. I am going to take each component and detail each and every little thing I want you to be doing within it.
Let’s get started!
Component One: The No Contact Rule
Ah the no contact rule…
I feel like I have taught this every single day of my life for the last five years.
Oh wait… I HAVE!
People don’t pay me to be nice to them. They pay me to get results for them and often times results translates into me helping them get their exes back.
And one thing that has become very clear in my research is that the no contact rule is without a doubt one of the best strategies for getting an ex back.
Oh, in case you didn’t know what my version of the no contact rule is here is a quick refresher,
My Version Of No Contact: A period of time where you ignore your ex with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time working on cultivating your own personal life.
Of course, you are in a bit of a strange situation aren’t you?
You are trying to get the father of your child back.
So, does that mean that we can waive the no contact rule for you?
The no contact rule is actually perfect for your situation since it’s going to allow you time to project (remember we talked about this earlier) and give your ex time to accept the reality that he is your babies daddy (see what I did there?)
Now, when you look at the handy dandy graphic I made for you above and specifically focus in on the no contact rule part of it,
You will notice that there are three little strategies that I want you to employ during it.
- The Alteration
Again, these are strategies that can only be done when you are actively ignoring your ex via the no contact rule.
But lets talk a little more about the no contact rule before we dive into the three strategies above.
Now, not a lot of people realize this but the no contact rule is really meant to be used as a tool to weed out the people who don’t have a good chance of getting their exes back.
Pretty shocking to hear me say that, huh?
Well, bear with me and I promise it will make a lot of sense.
You see, every person who thinks to themselves,
“I want to get my ex back”
Is going to have a certain percentage chance of success.
For example, someone who didn’t cheat on their ex is going to have a much better shot at getting their ex back when compared to someone who did cheat on their ex.
Of course, when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery I thought that the best way to help people was to come right out of the gate and tell them what kind of chance they had.
And that’s when I met Jackie!
Jackie was… well, Jackie was a little crazy.
As she was explaining her situation to me I knew right away that there was no way that she could ever get her ex back.
Again, are you shocked to hear me admit that?
Well, let me tell you a little about Jackie and you will understand what I mean.
She was obsessed with her ex.
Kind of like Gollum from Lord of The Rings,
Ahem… well ex in her case was loosely defined. Technically she had never dated him before but they were really good friends.
And that’s when she told me the craziest thing.
Jackie had a really beautiful friend that she decided to hire to go to her “exes” (again loosely defined) work and hit on him.
She wanted to see how he would react.
He reacted as any man probably would by asking for her number.
Jackie was devastated and it was at this point that I felt that as a relationship consultant I needed to do what was best for her and that was to look at the big picture and get her ready to move on.
So, I decided to not string her along with false hope and just level with her and tell her that she had no chance.
That she had “creeped” her ex boyfriend out so much that he would never look at her the same.
Jackie reacted as I expected.
She appreciated my honesty and then kept on being creepy towards her ex.
And that’s when I got an idea,
What if instead of overwhelming people with brutal honesty that they aren’t ready to hear in the moment I created some sort of gauntlet to push them through so they would realize if they had a chance or not on their own.
And that’s when my version of the no contact rule was born!
The No Contact Gauntlet
I look at the no contact rule as a way of segmenting people into two groups.
So, in a perfect world my no contact rule would look like this,
Do you see how in my perfect world the no contact rule segments people into two groups.
- Basically those with a good chance
- And those who should move on
But this is only if the no contact rule is properly done.
What my team and I have found is that the no contact rule segments people into three groups,
Look, my team and I have literally worked with thousands of individuals which is why we know that the only reason that third segment gets created is when someone doesn’t do the no contact rule properly.
Usually they break it…
Give in to their addiction of talking to their ex…
They don’t make any meaningful changes with their lives…
They don’t ask themselves the hard questions like,
“Is there truly a future with him?”
These are all things you have to do during the no contact rule.
Ah, but I haven’t even gotten to the best part.
As I am explaining all of this to you, you are probably terrified of ending up into these two groups,
But I am here to tell you that you only need to be terrified of ending up in one.
Care to take a guess at which one that is?
Yup, it’s the third segment where you have no chance but still try to get your ex back anyway.
But why not the other one?
Well, we have actually found that a huge portion of our success stories come from people who use the no contact, decide that they have no chance and move on.
Why do you think that is?
Well, this is a perfect segue.
It’s because of projection.
The Importance Of Projection During (And After) The No Contact Rule
Have you ever heard of “The Grass is Greener Syndrome?”
If you haven’t then here is an article I wrote on the subject. But for those of you who aren’t in the mood to read here’s a quick crash course.
GIGS: The grass is greener syndrome basically occurs when your ex boyfriend believes that by breaking up with you he can find someone better than you.
Lately I have been noticing that this is the root cause of a lot of the breakups that my clients have been coming to me with.
And it completely makes sense if your ex left you as a single mom.
Not only is he trying to run away from fatherly responsibilities he is trying to replace those responsibilities with something “better.”
You see, in your exes (baby daddy) mind being involved in relationship where he has to man up and take care of a woman and a child is scary.
So, a better situation is to enter into a relationship where he doesn’t have those ties.
Of course, understanding why he left isn’t going to do anything for you. What you really want to know is how you can get your baby daddy back in this situation.
Well, that’s where projection comes into play.
Above I mentioned that I have been noticing this really interesting trend where women get fed up of trying to get their exes back and determine that they need to move on.
The interesting trend is due to the fact that women who do this end up somehow magically getting their exes back and I posited that it was because of this idea of projection.
Basically whats happening is that their ex boyfriend is keeping tabs on their life and sees that instead of acting like this,
They act like this,
And this triggers something within him. It makes him look at his ex in a more desirable light.
And let’s not kid ourselves.
YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO OFFER HIM!
Way more than some other girl that he may think he wants.
You are the mother to his child for god sakes!
You have something that will connect you to him forever.
And that’s why my first recommendation during the no contact rule is to project that you are moving on.
It sounds so counter-intuitive but trust me when I say that this is what needs to happen if you want to get him back.
Look, I am not saying that you have to move on.
All I am saying is that project that you are.
Your chances will be better for it.
Your No Contact Rule Needs To Be Altered Slightly
If you were to ask me 5 years ago about the no contact rule and how to handle your ex during it I would have given you an answer like this,
You cannot break the no contact rule NO MATTER WHAT!
Well, luckily after 5 years I am not giving that stupid advice.
Generally speaking I have a strict “no breaking the no contact rule” policy.
However, as I have learned more as a coach and consultant I found a flaw in this way of thinking.
What if you share a child with your ex and he sends you a text like this,
It’s not like you can just ignore him, right?
I mean, in this case you probably do want someone to pick up little Ricky at school.
Ricky is such a lame name for a make believe kid but bear with me here people.
If you are trying to get your baby daddy back AND you are in the midst of a no contact rule I want you to make one simple alteration.
If your ex texts you about your child you are allowed to break the no contact rule for one simple interaction with him about that child.
Now, let me be clear.
This isn’t me saying that if your ex texts you about your kid that you can open up the floodgates of emotion and turn into miss chatterbox.
I am not saying that at all.
There are very clear rules that I want you to follow.
- You are only allowed to respond one time IF he is the one that brings up your child
- You are NOT allowed to reach out to him during no contact to talk about your child
- If he calls you, you cannot pick it up
- If he calls you and leaves a voicemail about your child then you are only supposed to respond to him with one text message answering his questions
Let’s move on.
I Want You To Do Something Controversial For Me… Go On A Date
If I am being honest with you I came up with this idea as a gut feeling.
My gut is telling me that this will work like gangbusters…
And to be honest with you my gut is very rarely wrong.
In fact, almost every woman who has tried this tactic out has seen some type of positive result from it and it perfectly aligns with my theory on projection.
So, what is this idea?
I want you to go on a date.
You are a single mom… (That doesn’t mean you can’t go on a date.)
You don’t have time… (Make time!)
Won’t that just piss him off? (Here’s an idea… Who cares?)
Look, I have a 1 and a half year old daughter (at the time of this writing) and I know how much of a time commitment she requires. It is literally an all day job taking care of her.
In fact, the only reason I am able to sit in my office and pump out these articles is due to the fact that my awesome wife watches her all day.
Without that I am pretty sure this site would disappear into oblivion (scary I know.)
I get that children require a huge time commitment and I am betting your ex understands that to.
So, lets just go out on a limb and assume the he understands that.
In his mind there is no possible way that you could make time to go on a date.
Imagine the shock on his face when he hears through the grapevine that you are on a date.
His view of your reality will completely change and that’s a good thing.
What’s that famous phrase they use about consumers?
Competition is a good thing…
And in this case it definitely is.
Use your time during no contact to go on a few days. Really sell the projection idea.
The Rules For Communication
Now we are getting to the good stuff.
Below are the rules that I want you to follow after you have successfully employed the no contact rule,
- No Talking About Children First
- Disciplined Conversations
- Hit On Similarities
- Prove You Are Picky But Still Like Them
Now, I realize some of you may be reading this and thinking,
“Holy Crap! How the heck am I supposed to do all of this stuff? What does it even mean?”
If this is you please take a deep breath and know, like always, I have your back.
I am going to go down the list above and explain each little rule in detail!
No Talking About Children First
I know this seems a weird rule but it’s here for a reason.
You see, a few months ago I interviewed a woman by the name of Marina Margulis where we talked about empowering women after a breakup.
You can watch our interview below,
Somewhere in the interview we got to talking about couples who have kids together and I mentioned that now that my wife and I have our own little bundle of joy a lot of our conversations revolve around the baby.
What Marina said next even shocked me…
“That can be dangerous! One of the biggest issues with couples I see now-a-day’s is the fact that all of their conversations revolve around children.”
And the more I thought about it the more I thought that she was right.
If a couple talks non stop about their children together then it’s almost like the identity of their relationship becomes about that child.
And that’s a problem I see a lot of women with kids fall into with their ex.
Instead of trying to talk about things that will re-attract him they talk about their kids and while kids can be a great anchoring point they probably aren’t going to re-attract him.
So, here is the rule I want you to abide by when you text, talk on the phone or in person.
I don’t want you to bring up your children at all. Let him do it.
If he does then you have my permission to open up the floodgates with cute baby pictures,
Let’s move on.
What do you think I mean by disciplined conversations?
Well, when I talk about being disciplined what I am really harping on is how you are ending your conversations.
One thing I see all too often with women is the fact that when they finally do start talking to their “baby daddy” they get enamored with the conversation and forget to end it first.
Ending the conversations first and leaving a man wanting more is key to the strategy I teach.
And I have found that the women who do it successfully have incredible results.
Don’t forget to end conversations first.
Hit On Similarities
This is something that a lot of women forget.
Last night my wife and I were watching “The Bachelor.”
Now, before you judge me based on the fact that I was watching that cr*p I do want to say that technically I can call it research?
It’s a pretty lame excuse but just bear with me here.
On the first episode of a season of “The Bachelor” 30 women try their best to convince a man to give them a rose.
Of course, if a woman secures a rose she gets to stay in the competition for another week.
But what really interested me last night when I was watching was the fact that there is this thing called “The First Impression Rose.”
Essentially this is a rose that’s given out before all of the other ones to the girl that the bachelor likes the most.
And last night before the bachelor gave the first impression rose out I turned to my wife and said the following,
That girl right there is going to get the first impression rose.
Of course, my wife being in an argumentative mood decided to disagree with me.
What do you think happened next?
Yup, the first impression rose was given to the woman I thought it would.
“How did you know she would get it?” my wife asked.
Well, for one, I understand how men think.
Secondly, I watched and listened the the conversation the bachelor had with this woman and it became clear to me that the two of them had more in common than any of the other girls vying for his heart.
Similarities is essentially the same thing as attraction to men…
And I want you to use that to your advantage with your ex.
When you talk to him make sure you hit on those similarities that you have with him as much as possible.
Prove That You Are Picky But At The Same Time Still Like Him
Getting a “baby daddy” back is a fine line.
One part of you wants nothing more to jump into his arms and beg for him back.
Another part of you wants to tell him to fu*k off…
Which issue do you think we have had more of an issue with here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery?
Yup, most women just want nothing more to jump into his arms and beg for him back.
But sometimes that’s not the best play.
It proves that you are desperate.
It’s ok to make him work a little for your love.