By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 26th, 2021

I’ll never forget the day my daughter was born.

I was so nervous/scared/confused out of my mind that I didn’t sleep at all while my wife was going through labor. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity there she was.

A little 6lb baby.

And since that day almost every action I have taken in my life has been to protect her.

I know it sounds cliche but it’s true.

So, why am I telling you this?

Well, I want you to know that this is how things are supposed to be.

Mothers are supposed to be loving and supportive and fathers are supposed to be protective but most importantly, they are supposed to be around.

And that leads us to the topic I would like to tackle today.

The baby daddy!

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What Is A Baby Daddy?

So, what is a baby daddy?

Well, Urban dictionary has an interesting definition for you,

Urban Dictionaries Definition: Usually a broke as* man; Who you met through a friend and had sex with when you were upset and confused. Now you have his baby and he doesn’t pay child support.

While I appreciate a good joke this isn’t necessarily the definition I want to be using as we go forward.

So, what is that definition?

Well, I generally define a baby daddy as a man whose baby you have had even though you aren’t involved and he isn’t around to man up (which he should be.)

In other words…

Baby Daddy: The father of your child, whom you are not involved with and he is not anywhere to be found.

Getting an ex back who you have a child with has been a hot topic on Ex Boyfriend Recovery and I can’t tell you how many emails and podcast voicemails I get about this topic.

But the interesting thing is, is that when it comes to getting a “baby daddy” back there doesn’t seem to be anything out there on Google, Yahoo or any of the other big search engines teaching women exactly what to do if they determine they want to get their baby daddy back.

Until now…

One of the reasons that Ex Boyfriend Recovery has become so popular is the fact that I am a little crazy.

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No seriously, when it comes to writing these articles I go way overboard. In fact, I am sure that half the people who land on my pages are completely turned off because of the sheer size of them.

They are probably thinking,

“Hell no… I am not going to read this. It’s too long!”

In fact, I have on more than one occasion gotten complaints from my visitors that everything I write is too wordy and I go into too much detail. That’s fine I completely understand what they are saying BUT I will say that “ex recovery” is a complex process and every word I use to explain something has a purpose.

Sometimes it takes 6,000 words to explain a concept because this is something that I don’t want you to mess up.

One of the things that you won’t hear a lot of experts out there talking about is that you don’t have infinite chances to get your ex back.

This isn’t some video game where you can start over if you fail at completing the level,

Realistically you only have a few chances before your ex loses interest and moves on to someone else.

And if I have to be overly “wordy” to help you understand things that could impact your love life for the better than I am going to be overly wordy.

This is especially true when there is a child involved.

Getting a baby daddy back isn’t the type of thing you want me to rush through.

Trust me.

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So, Here’s What This Article Will Help You To Accomplish

I want you to close your eyes and imagine something for me.

Think back to your relationship with your ex/baby daddy and focus in on a memory that gets you excited inside.

You know the feeling.

The one where it literally feels like you have butterflies flying around in your stomach.

That’s the feeling I want to give you again with your ex.

That’s what I am trying to accomplish with this article and you have perhaps the greatest advantage any woman can have on her side. You see, you have something that connects you to your ex for the rest of your life, a beautiful child.

And no matter how much of an idiot your baby daddy is at some point in his life he is going to become curious about his child, usually sooner than later.

Of course, women often look at having a child with an ex as a huge hindrance but I have the opposite view. I think the fact that the two of you have created a life together bonds you in a very special way.

It’s just that maybe your “baby daddy” hasn’t realized that yet.

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Now, some of you may be sitting here reading that and going,

Well, why the fu*k hasn’t he realized that yet?

Great question, let’s explore something that a lot of men are afraid to admit.

The Thing Most Men Won’t Admit About Being A Dad

Now, I am going to tell you something really personal and a little embarrassing.

Throughout my life I never really thought much about being a dad (I am one now.)

I just figured that when the time comes I would “figure it out.”

And then my wife got pregnant.

The time for me to “figure it out” had finally arrived and all I could think were selfish thoughts like,

  • I wonder if I am going to get any sleep?
  • Will I still be able to have the freedom to do what I want when I want?
  • Am I going to be one of those lame soccer dads?

Ultimately all of these thoughts scared the living daylights out of me. It’s not that I didn’t want a child it’s that I had never had one before so I didn’t know what to expect.

Oh, and for the record,

  • I didn’t get any sleep for about 2 months but it’s all good now.
  • I am blessed with an awesome family who pretty much lets me do what I want even though some freedom is a bit more restricted than it was before.
  • I hope my daughter doesn’t play soccer… Because I will totally be a lame soccer dad.

Here is my point.

All of these strange thoughts I had before my daughter was born was simply cultivated out of fear.

Fear that I wouldn’t be able to be free… like the bird I once was.

But looking back on the whole experience I am really glad I got a little scared because it gave me some incredible insight into how the male mind works when a woman gets pregnant and has a child.

You see, before I could never understand why a man wouldn’t stick around to raise a child and make a family whole.

I could never understand why he would leave.

But I think I get it now.

Most men may be afraid to admit what I am about to say but I’m not.

WE ARE AFRAID!

Of course, men react to fear in many different ways.

For example, some men will high tail it out of there whereas you have the other segment of men who “man up” and stay.

But I think deep down you already know all of this about your “baby daddy.” The real question you are wondering at this point is if it’s even possible to get him to come back.

Let’s explore that.

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Is It Even Possible To Get A “Baby Daddy” Back?

I’m a straight shooter.

Always have been.

So, here is the answer,

Yes, it’s possible to get your “baby daddy” back but only if you do something RADICAL that you probably won’t want to do.

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“RADICAL? How radical are we talking?”

Well, before I “radicalize” you it’s important for me to give you a bit of background.

Do you know what I hate more than anything?

When someone ignores incredible advice.

You may not know this about me but it really pis*es me when I put my heart and soul into giving someone great advice on their ex and they get all fired up about it but when it comes time to actually implement that advice they end up falling short.

I can’t tell you how many times I have seen women do this with their exes and almost every time they end up failing to get him back.

For some reason they convince themselves that they know better than I do.

You don’t…

I have been doing this a very long time and have had some incredible successes,

Hell, I coach people on exes for fun on my podcast!

I live and breathe this stuff every day of my life.

And the thing that I have seen time and time again with the women who actually succeed at getting their exes back is the fact that they do something that most women are afraid to do.

They move on.

Well, perhaps I should rephrase that.

They project to their ex that they are moving on

Pretty radical, right?

It seems so counter-intuitive but I can’t tell you how often I have seen women do this time and time again and have their ex suddenly fall into their lap.

I’ll give you an example.

This was a success story that I got yesterday on Facebook,

Does anything look familiar here?

How about this,

She started focusing on herself and her children and, BAM, all of a sudden her ex is back in the picture.

(Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that her ex was her baby daddy either 😉 .)

Look, I don’t believe in coincidence when I have seen this type of thing time and time again.

Women who properly project to their ex that they are moving on with their lives seem to have some strange effect on their exes.

And for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why but the more and more I look at it the more the picture starts getting clearer and clearer.

I have a theory…

My Theory On Why Projection Is Key

Most men out there won’t want me telling you this but it’s something that you need to know.

Our existence only has meaning when we feel wanted by women.

I’ll tell you a really embarrassing story about myself to prove this point.

Before I met my wife I was essentially single for five years straight. Sure, I went on 20 or 30 dates throughout that time but I never committed to anyone.

Well, perhaps I should rephrase that.

Out of those 20 to 30 dates I went on I maybe felt a connection with a handful of women.

Of course, every single time I felt a connection with a girl and made an attempt to date them I was turned down.

In fact, I can remember every single time very vividly because it made me want to date less and less.

I was once turned down in the rain after spending 10 minutes running to this girls house,

Another time I was stood up on a date (seriously),

Ah, but my personal favorite was when I literally broke my foot on a date after it was going so well (she didn’t call me after that,)

Of course, somewhere along the way, after losing out on opportunity after opportunity I decided that I needed to do something proactive to help my chances.

Immediately my mind jumped to the most vain of reasons,

My looks, it has to be because of the way I look.

That’s when I got an idea.

Wait, what if I started working out a lot and got a really fit body? There’s no way any woman could turn this down,

Essentially I had resided myself to working out and getting fit, not because it was the right thing to do (like it should have been) but because I wanted women to want me as much as I wanted them.

Ah, and now we can come full circle.

By projecting that everything is ok, that the breakup hasn’t broken you, you are aggravating your exes reason to exist.

You see, after the breakup your ex boyfriend is expecting you to act like this,

Why?

Because god forbid you can’t live without him.

And the truth is that after a breakup most women DO act like this which only re-enforces his belief that you can’t live without him.

I say take the opposite approach.

Instead of being an emotional wreck, act like this,

By acting strong and confident after the breakup (even if you aren’t) you will project the fact that you CAN live without your ex and that fact is going to drive him nuts.

Trust me on this!

Of course, I still haven’t answered one of the most pressing questions on your mind.

“How the he*l do I get my baby daddy back?”

Well, the projection aspect I am talking about here is essential BUT there is a lot more to it than just pretending you are ok without him.

In fact, I have a very specific strategy that I want you to follow.

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The “Baby Daddy” Strategy

What have we covered so far?

Well, we have only really talked about two big things thus far.

  1. Most men are afraid of having a child and can run away due to that fact
  2. If you project that you are ok after the breakup (even if you aren’t) you are more likely to make your ex want you back

These are two very important points that I want you to keep in mind as I teach you my “baby daddy” strategy.

Here is the gist of the strategy,

If this graphic makes sense to you then I would be shocked.

Don’t worry, I am going to really detail each and every thing I listed out on it and it really starts by talking about the two main components of the strategy.

So, when you look at the graphic above the gist of the strategy is divided up into two parts.

  1. The No Contact Rule
  2. The Rules For Communication

And within each of those components are certain things that I want you to be doing.

So, here is how this is going to work. I am going to take each component and detail each and every little thing I want you to be doing within it.

Sound far?

Let’s get started!

Component One: The No Contact Rule

Ah the no contact rule…

I feel like I have taught this every single day of my life for the last five years.

Oh wait… I HAVE!

People don’t pay me to be nice to them. They pay me to get results for them and often times results translates into me helping them get their exes back.

And one thing that has become very clear in my research is that the no contact rule is without a doubt one of the best strategies for getting an ex back.

Oh, in case you didn’t know what my version of the no contact rule is here is a quick refresher,

My Version Of No Contact: A period of time where you ignore your ex with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time working on cultivating your own personal life.

Of course, you are in a bit of a strange situation aren’t you?

You are trying to get the father of your child back.

So, does that mean that we can waive the no contact rule for you?

Not exactly!

The no contact rule is actually perfect for your situation since it’s going to allow you time to project (remember we talked about this earlier) and give your ex time to accept the reality that he is your babies daddy (see what I did there?)

Now, when you look at the handy dandy graphic I made for you above and specifically focus in on the no contact rule part of it,

You will notice that there are three little strategies that I want you to employ during it.

  1. Projection
  2. The Alteration
  3. Dating

Again, these are strategies that can only be done when you are actively ignoring your ex via the no contact rule.

But lets talk a little more about the no contact rule before we dive into the three strategies above.

Now, not a lot of people realize this but the no contact rule is really meant to be used as a tool to weed out the people who don’t have a good chance of getting their exes back.

Pretty shocking to hear me say that, huh?

Well, bear with me and I promise it will make a lot of sense.

You see, every person who thinks to themselves,

“I want to get my ex back”

Is going to have a certain percentage chance of success.

For example, someone who didn’t cheat on their ex is going to have a much better shot at getting their ex back when compared to someone who did cheat on their ex.

Of course, when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery I thought that the best way to help people was to come right out of the gate and tell them what kind of chance they had.

And that’s when I met Jackie!

Jackie was… well, Jackie was a little crazy.

As she was explaining her situation to me I knew right away that there was no way that she could ever get her ex back.

Again, are you shocked to hear me admit that?

Well, let me tell you a little about Jackie and you will understand what I mean.

She was obsessed with her ex.

Kind of like Gollum from Lord of The Rings,

Ahem… well ex in her case was loosely defined. Technically she had never dated him before but they were really good friends.

And that’s when she told me the craziest thing.

Jackie had a really beautiful friend that she decided to hire to go to her “exes” (again loosely defined) work and hit on him.

She wanted to see how he would react.

He reacted as any man probably would by asking for her number.

Jackie was devastated and it was at this point that I felt that as a relationship consultant I needed to do what was best for her and that was to look at the big picture and get her ready to move on.

So, I decided to not string her along with false hope and just level with her and tell her that she had no chance.

That she had “creeped” her ex boyfriend out so much that he would never look at her the same.

Jackie reacted as I expected.

She appreciated my honesty and then kept on being creepy towards her ex.

And that’s when I got an idea,

What if instead of overwhelming people with brutal honesty that they aren’t ready to hear in the moment I created some sort of gauntlet to push them through so they would realize if they had a chance or not on their own.

And that’s when my version of the no contact rule was born!

The No Contact Gauntlet

I look at the no contact rule as a way of segmenting people into two groups.

So, in a perfect world my no contact rule would look like this,

Do you see how in my perfect world the no contact rule segments people into two groups.

  1. Basically those with a good chance
  2. And those who should move on

But this is only if the no contact rule is properly done.

What my team and I have found is that the no contact rule segments people into three groups,

Look, my team and I have literally worked with thousands of individuals which is why we know that the only reason that third segment gets created is when someone doesn’t do the no contact rule properly.

Usually they break it…

 

Give in to their addiction of talking to their ex…

 

They don’t make any meaningful changes with their lives…

 

They don’t ask themselves the hard questions like,

 

“Is there truly a future with him?”

These are all things you have to do during the no contact rule.

Ah, but I haven’t even gotten to the best part.

As I am explaining all of this to you, you are probably terrified of ending up into these two groups,

But I am here to tell you that you only need to be terrified of ending up in one.

Care to take a guess at which one that is?

Yup, it’s the third segment where you have no chance but still try to get your ex back anyway.

But why not the other one?

Well, we have actually found that a huge portion of our success stories come from people who use the no contact, decide that they have no chance and move on.

Why do you think that is?

Well, this is a perfect segue.

It’s because of projection.

The Importance Of Projection During (And After) The No Contact Rule

Have you ever heard of “The Grass is Greener Syndrome?”

If you haven’t then here is an article I wrote on the subject. But for those of you who aren’t in the mood to read here’s a quick crash course.

GIGS: The grass is greener syndrome basically occurs when your ex boyfriend believes that by breaking up with you he can find someone better than you.

Lately I have been noticing that this is the root cause of a lot of the breakups that my clients have been coming to me with.

And it completely makes sense if your ex left you as a single mom.

Not only is he trying to run away from fatherly responsibilities he is trying to replace those responsibilities with something “better.”

You see, in your exes (baby daddy) mind being involved in relationship where he has to man up and take care of a woman and a child is scary.

So, a better situation is to enter into a relationship where he doesn’t have those ties.

Of course, understanding why he left isn’t going to do anything for you. What you really want to know is how you can get your baby daddy back in this situation.

Well, that’s where projection comes into play.

Above I mentioned that I have been noticing this really interesting trend where women get fed up of trying to get their exes back and determine that they need to move on.

The interesting trend is due to the fact that women who do this end up somehow magically getting their exes back and I posited that it was because of this idea of projection.

Basically whats happening is that their ex boyfriend is keeping tabs on their life and sees that instead of acting like this,

They act like this,

And this triggers something within him. It makes him look at his ex in a more desirable light.

And let’s not kid ourselves.

YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO OFFER HIM!

Way more than some other girl that he may think he wants.

You are the mother to his child for god sakes!

You have something that will connect you to him forever.

And that’s why my first recommendation during the no contact rule is to project that you are moving on.

I know…

I know…

It sounds so counter-intuitive but trust me when I say that this is what needs to happen if you want to get him back.

Look, I am not saying that you have to move on.

All I am saying is that project that you are.

Your chances will be better for it.

Your No Contact Rule Needs To Be Altered Slightly

If you were to ask me 5 years ago about the no contact rule and how to handle your ex during it I would have given you an answer like this,

You cannot break the no contact rule NO MATTER WHAT!

Well, luckily after 5 years I am not giving that stupid advice.

Generally speaking I have a strict “no breaking the no contact rule” policy.

However, as I have learned more as a coach and consultant I found a flaw in this way of thinking.

What if you share a child with your ex and he sends you a text like this,

It’s not like you can just ignore him, right?

I mean, in this case you probably do want someone to pick up little Ricky at school.

I know…

I know…

Ricky is such a lame name for a make believe kid but bear with me here people.

If you are trying to get your baby daddy back AND you are in the midst of a no contact rule I want you to make one simple alteration.

If your ex texts you about your child you are allowed to break the no contact rule for one simple interaction with him about that child.

Now, let me be clear.

This isn’t me saying that if your ex texts you about your kid that you can open up the floodgates of emotion and turn into miss chatterbox.

I am not saying that at all.

There are very clear rules that I want you to follow.

  • You are only allowed to respond one time IF he is the one that brings up your child
  • You are NOT allowed to reach out to him during no contact to talk about your child
  • If he calls you, you cannot pick it up
  • If he calls you and leaves a voicemail about your child then you are only supposed to respond to him with one text message answering his questions

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

Let’s move on.

I Want You To Do Something Controversial For Me… Go On A Date

If I am being honest with you I came up with this idea as a gut feeling.

My gut is telling me that this will work like gangbusters…

And to be honest with you my gut is very rarely wrong.

In fact, almost every woman who has tried this tactic out has seen some type of positive result from it and it perfectly aligns with my theory on projection.

So, what is this idea?

I want you to go on a date.

I know…

I know…

You are a single mom… (That doesn’t mean you can’t go on a date.)

You don’t have time… (Make time!)

Won’t that just piss him off? (Here’s an idea… Who cares?)

Look, I have a 1 and a half year old daughter (at the time of this writing) and I know how much of a time commitment she requires. It is literally an all day job taking care of her.

In fact, the only reason I am able to sit in my office and pump out these articles is due to the fact that my awesome wife watches her all day.

Without that I am pretty sure this site would disappear into oblivion (scary I know.)

I get that children require a huge time commitment and I am betting your ex understands that to.

So, lets just go out on a limb and assume the he understands that.

In his mind there is no possible way that you could make time to go on a date.

Imagine the shock on his face when he hears through the grapevine that you are on a date.

His view of your reality will completely change and that’s a good thing.

What’s that famous phrase they use about consumers?

Competition is a good thing…

And in this case it definitely is.

Use your time during no contact to go on a few days. Really sell the projection idea.

The Rules For Communication

Now we are getting to the good stuff.

Below are the rules that I want you to follow after you have successfully employed the no contact rule,

  • No Talking About Children First
  • Disciplined Conversations
  • Hit On Similarities
  • Prove You Are Picky But Still Like Them

Now, I realize some of you may be reading this and thinking,

“Holy Crap! How the heck am I supposed to do all of this stuff? What does it even mean?”

If this is you please take a deep breath and know, like always, I have your back.

I am going to go down the list above and explain each little rule in detail!

No Talking About Children First

I know this seems a weird rule but it’s here for a reason.

You see, a few months ago I interviewed a woman by the name of Marina Margulis where we talked about empowering women after a breakup.

You can watch our interview below,

Somewhere in the interview we got to talking about couples who have kids together and I mentioned that now that my wife and I have our own little bundle of joy a lot of our conversations revolve around the baby.

What Marina said next even shocked me…

“That can be dangerous! One of the biggest issues with couples I see now-a-day’s is the fact that all of their conversations revolve around children.”

And the more I thought about it the more I thought that she was right.

If a couple talks non stop about their children together then it’s almost like the identity of their relationship becomes about that child.

And that’s a problem I see a lot of women with kids fall into with their ex.

Instead of trying to talk about things that will re-attract him they talk about their kids and while kids can be a great anchoring point they probably aren’t going to re-attract him.

So, here is the rule I want you to abide by when you text, talk on the phone or in person.

I don’t want you to bring up your children at all. Let him do it.

If he does then you have my permission to open up the floodgates with cute baby pictures,

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

Let’s move on.

Disciplined Conversations

What do you think I mean by disciplined conversations?

Well, when I talk about being disciplined what I am really harping on is how you are ending your conversations.

One thing I see all too often with women is the fact that when they finally do start talking to their “baby daddy” they get enamored with the conversation and forget to end it first.

Ending the conversations first and leaving a man wanting more is key to the strategy I teach.

And I have found that the women who do it successfully have incredible results.

Don’t forget to end conversations first.

Hit On Similarities

This is something that a lot of women forget.

Last night my wife and I were watching “The Bachelor.”

Now, before you judge me based on the fact that I was watching that cr*p I do want to say that technically I can call it research?

Ok…

Ok…

It’s a pretty lame excuse but just bear with me here.

On the first episode of a season of “The Bachelor” 30 women try their best to convince a man to give them a rose.

Of course, if a woman secures a rose she gets to stay in the competition for another week.

But what really interested me last night when I was watching was the fact that there is this thing called “The First Impression Rose.”

Essentially this is a rose that’s given out before all of the other ones to the girl that the bachelor likes the most.

And last night before the bachelor gave the first impression rose out I turned to my wife and said the following,

That girl right there is going to get the first impression rose.

Of course, my wife being in an argumentative mood decided to disagree with me.

What do you think happened next?

Yup, the first impression rose was given to the woman I thought it would.

“How did you know she would get it?” my wife asked.

Well, for one, I understand how men think.

Secondly, I watched and listened the the conversation the bachelor had with this woman and it became clear to me that the two of them had more in common than any of the other girls vying for his heart.

Similarities is essentially the same thing as attraction to men…

And I want you to use that to your advantage with your ex.

When you talk to him make sure you hit on those similarities that you have with him as much as possible.

Prove That You Are Picky But At The Same Time Still Like Him

Getting a “baby daddy” back is a fine line.

One part of you wants nothing more to jump into his arms and beg for him back.

Another part of you wants to tell him to fu*k off…

Which issue do you think we have had more of an issue with here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery?

Yup, most women just want nothing more to jump into his arms and beg for him back.

But sometimes that’s not the best play.

It proves that you are desperate.

It’s ok to make him work a little for your love.

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377 thoughts on “Here’s How To Get Your “Baby Daddy” Back”

  1. Barbie

    February 14, 2023 at 5:27 am

    There was much love btwn me and my boyfriend but I got pregnant both we weren’t ready though i decided to carry the baby and he wanted me to abort. A lot changed since then but his sister and mom have supported me throughout. I miss and love my boyfriend I wish and pray things remained as they were. I wish we get back I don’t want to lose him and I want my child to be his dad and mom not step parents in the future

  2. Nikita

    February 5, 2023 at 9:29 pm

    My ex and I have been off and on for 7 years now. Sometimes the split lasts awhile, and sometimes only a few weeks. We have a 2 year old and he’s an amazing father. He gets these moments where he wants the family life. We just split up again 1 month ago and I’m devastated. I was so close to having my family back together. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong

    1. Coach Shaunna Nicol

      February 10, 2023 at 7:16 pm

      You need to work out the reasons that you continue to break up – that is the pattern you keep repeating. Fix the issues in the relationship to make it work for the long term

  3. Kels

    January 18, 2023 at 5:20 am

    I need your help. (Yes, I read everything). I’m 37. My baby daddy wanted me. I ended it. Moved to another state. Married the first woman he slept with.
    I was 4 mos pregnant with our son.

    This was March 2019. We are civil finally. He’s coming to see his son for thr 3rd time. I want him back.

    Is this even possible or is it too late? I found your blog too late.

    Or did I?

    1. Coach Shaunna Nicol

      January 18, 2023 at 6:06 pm

      Hi Kels, we do not support anyone trying to break up a marriage. I’m afraid once someone is married you take that as they have officially moved on. If he was to leave the wife then of course we can support you

  4. Kristylynn

    December 11, 2022 at 1:45 pm

    My baby daddy of 2 small children cheated with the nasty girl next door I immediately broke it off no contact that was a year ago I’ve been put thru he’ll with her spreading lies harrassing me n even tho I show him in black n white he found a way to flip it on me. Now he left her she has a new dude living with her a day later and he is very regretful and calling me talking to me. Being nice and kind to me. I’m totally confused.

  5. Ashaante

    September 26, 2022 at 2:14 pm

    If have been on the no contact rule for 10 days now.My ex and I broke up ;it is almost a month now .We dated for 2years and have a 1year old son.We were so happy .But suddenly he started to drink more ;did not worry about my opinion and said that he did not want to be in the relationship no more .I was very heartbroken .A day passed and he contact me saying that he’s sorry and do not know what is happening .He said to me he is going to work on himself .Oky I said !I will give you a second chance.About a week we started to argue.He said to me that he thinks it is better if we take a break.So we did .We agreed to talk when he is ready .So when we were ready we talked.He said that he is not cheating and that he doesn’t feel like in the beginning.He said he have to let me go ;because he know that he is hurting me and he do not want to do that .He said that I am the love of his life and he doesn’t want anyone else .He have to let me go and he loves me so much.But is mindset is not right now.He has to get himself right without me by his sight.He also said that we should be in contact and I shouldn’t forget ofhim and throw him forever away .And that he promise to be the person that me and our child deserves .So now I am on the no contact rule .And we only talk when it revolves around our child .He’s suddenly so gentle when we talk and the other day he asked to video call our child .I did not reply ;although I want to …But still the temptation comes to chat with him … Please help ;because I am so confused.

  6. Stormie

    July 22, 2022 at 9:53 pm

    How do you address the issue of them coming back when there is also an issue of them not contributing and helping out with the children being that they’re not around anymore. If we want them to come back around but they’re not helping with the children also since the separation, or responding to messages. Should I go for child support or with this complicate the situation and make them not come back at all

    1. Coach Shaunna Nicol

      July 24, 2022 at 8:49 pm

      Hi Stormie, so yes go for child support regardless of your relationships status with him if he is not willingly helping then you get the support. He isn’t going to change his mind based on financially supporting your children. However, if he has decided that the end of your relationship means that he is no longer going to support his children I would suggest you re consider what you’re going to gain from getting a man like this back

  7. Jacie

    June 28, 2022 at 11:26 pm

    I just have to say, after reading your article, I took your advice. I did the “no contact” method. For 4 weeks. And it worked!! He’s all of a sudden been blowing my phone up, having deep conversations with me about life, trying to take me out on dates, and genuinely trying with me now. I hung out with him once and he seems different, in a good way! He seems to be more involved with me and his unborn child, he even kissed me before taking me home. Which he’s never done. After doing the no contact method it seems like it brought him closer to me, without me actually having to do anything. The advice you gave has worked for me! I love it. Thank you so much.

  8. Alejandra

    June 19, 2022 at 4:29 am

    I broke up with my ex 6 months ago, I was pregnant and we been fighting a lot, weeks after that I was begging him and he was giving me mixed signals, then I post a old pic with a guy and he sees the pic but he didn’t say anything, then like 1 month later he was dating a girl and I was so devastated but I was hoping that maybe when the baby was born he would change his mind and come back with me. I didn’t beg him anymore and when he came to see the baby I always made sure I look good, months later he was coming more frequently and I thought that everything was working I always was acting so normal like I was taking with any other person and I noticed that he always got nervous so I was like this is working but then so we used to work together but because I was pregnant I didn’t work for like 3 months and a half so when I went back to work he was so nervous and I was so nervous too and we work in a kitchen and something it was just me and him so one day that we was working together we was talking and everything and I was like “yea he still likes me” like I was so sure so I begin to flirt with him and then like two days later he put a profile pic in Instagram with his new girl and I was so confused because everything was going pretty good we were talking and he looked like he still into me. But I guess that he noticed that in me too, that I was still into him.

  9. Marie

    May 24, 2022 at 9:56 pm

    My husband told me he was seeing an old girlfriend when our daughter was merely a month old, and that he had been for the last few months prior to her birth. This ex has a chronically ill condition and part of me thinks that he’s only interested in her because he needs to be a SAVIOR type figure. I was already experiencing Postpartum Depression at the time, so that had amped it up tenfold. I recently moved almost exactly 1,000 miles away from him in an attempt to retain my sanity and get help from my family. When we were living together, he would stay out all night and sleep all day. He has really only been living to party and would barely bother to help out with our daughter. On my first Mother’s Day, I practically begged to spend the day with him seeing as I didn’t have any family in the area, but he made up some excuse to go hang out at a friend’s house and told me he would meet up with us later. I was so outraged that I waited outside the friend’s house in my car that night and saw all of them, including the “girlfriend” leaving the house. I went a-wall, drove onto the lawn and told him to get into the car. Which he did. I felt so unlike myself for so long that I led myself to believe that I was crazy. He says he’s going to do everything he can to give my daughter and I a comfortable life, but I’m not even sure he’s worth trying to get back. He was always my best friend and we’ve only been married for 7 months. I miss him everyday. Should I even try? For my daughter’s sake?

    1. Coach Shaunna Nicol

      August 6, 2022 at 7:08 pm

      Simply Marie – no do not give things a go for your daughters sake. That’s not a foundation for a relationship/marriage.

      I would suggest that you take some time apart, work on yourself and be sure that you are focusing on what is best for you. What is going to make you happy. I would also suggest that you start setting some boundaries so that your ex realises that he is losing you because he is actions.

  10. Tricia

    April 25, 2022 at 4:41 pm

    My boyfriend and I have a beautiful almost one year old boy and I’m currently pregnant and due in a few short weeks. He left 2 weeks ago and I’m struggling. Our relationship has been toxic bc of the fighting and blame game and accusations. He says I’m not the same woman. We had a very mature conversation super recently and he is going to work on himself on his own and I need to do the same. This means he is getting a place in his hometown and I’m stuck in our rental and alone with soon to be 2 babies. I’m drained and I’ve tried to get him to wake up. But we both have things to work on. He said he told me what needs to be done to possibly have a future together and I need to do these things. Is there hope? Is it a lost cause? I don’t know what to do or where to begin.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 26, 2022 at 9:06 pm

      Hey Tricia, there does sound as if there is hope but you also need to understand that he is expecting you to not have hormones during a time where you will be at your most…. Prepare for baby to arrive and make your focus being the best mother you can to two, as for his visiting be sure that when he sees the children that you look at your best, be happy and confident. Do not spend your time chasing him. Be sure that he is coming to you to talk and that he is coming to you about the house rather than you following him around.

  11. Sammy

    April 20, 2022 at 4:15 am

    My ex and I have been off and on for 8 years now. Sometimes the split lasts awhile, and sometimes only a few months. We have a 7 year old and he’s an amazing father. He gets these moments where he wants the family life, but then gets scared and either cheats or just bails. We just split up again two weeks ago and I’m devastated. I was so close to having my family back together. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 21, 2022 at 12:08 pm

      Hey Sammy, it sounds that he has a fear of commitment and the pressure of being a family – some see this as a “end” of their lives losing themselves, their single life… It is an immaturity thing on his part it sounds. And until he is actually ready for the real deal I would suggest that you stop taking him back when HE is ready. I get that you want your family together but when he behaves this way he is not only impacting you he is also affecting your son. I would suggest that you start treating him as an ex and show him that he is losing this chance to be a family man, show him you do not want or need him anymore and you need to APPEAR this way for some time and make him work for it. If he wants to come back then I would suggest that you give him an option, comes back knowing that it truly is his LAST CHANCE and if he leaves again that you are done with him forever as this is not healthy for you or your son.

  12. Cookie

    April 16, 2022 at 5:51 pm

    My ex and I have been together for 2 years. Everything had been going perfectly we planned a future together talked about marriage and having a child. Now I am currently 7 months pregnant and since I’ve been pregnant we would have arguments here and there but nothing to serious and about 3 weeks ago I found out my ex has recently started having inappropriate conversations via text with his ex and lied to me about it seeing her. Once I confronted him he said he wasn’t happy and was going through things because he lost his job and are relationship seemed rocky but no matter what I supported him and never treated him less of a man because of his situation at the time. But he always interacted with me as if everything was fine. He would tell me how much he loves me, he didn’t know where would he would be without me, talked about our lives together with our new baby. I was so confused and hurt by the messages I seen in his phone with his ex I called a moving truck and left.Even though I left I still pray that one day our relationship will be restored so that we can be in a healthy relationship and be a family with our child but he hasn’t made any effort with trying to rebuild and earn my trust back so I’m not sure if he even wants the same things. He messages me almost everyday but not about the relationship just to check on me and our unborn child. He tells me he loves me and that he is sorry what everything that has happened and it’s all his fault. I’m so confused.

  13. Charlotte

    April 14, 2022 at 1:55 pm

    Hiya, me and my ex split 17 days ago after being together for 15 years. We were both unhappy at the time so it was mutual, but I have since realised that our problem was that we wernt communicating to each other enough. Since we split we seem to be talking more to each other and getting along really well and i feel our spark has come back. So i have been trying to sort our problems out but he was getting angry so I saw the no contact rule and i have started doing that but as we have a 7 year old together I can’t go complete silent. Tips I have seen online said I should say I am moving on (even though I am not) he then gets angry at that too. I feel like whatever I do, he gets angry. He says he is now happier but he looks depressed and is not sleeping well. He said he still has feelings for me but said he doesn’t feel like he can do it anymore. But when he comes round to see our son, he wants us to act like a family. I just feel really confused. Please can I have any advice that will get him to see we are better together. Thank you.

  14. Grace

    April 2, 2022 at 3:05 am

    Thank you for this. I just realized I’m making the wrong decisions over and over. I’ll heed your advice, I won’t text or call anymore, it’s going to be one hell of a hard journey.
    Wish me luck!

  15. Anna

    March 28, 2022 at 6:06 pm

    Hello,
    I met my father’s child at a restaurant we worked at together. He was the mean Chef and I was the hot waitress. I pursued him for about two months by letting word get around that I was interested. I took him on a helicopter ride on our first date which sealed the deal. He got me pregnant on our third date. I was overjoyed and so was he. He was raised by a single mother, who passed away from cancer shortly after I announced my pregnancy. We proceeded to be together for four years during which he experienced more death and I was struggling with a drinking problem which since has been resolved. But he was always receptive to help and loved me unconditionally. In this time, I studied finance and got my first “real job” as an accountant while raising our son. On the other hand, the pandemic caused him to lose two jobs and it caused a lot of stress as he was the main provider. We started arguing a lot the last couple of months. I was upset that he left a mess, or wouldnt consistently plan outings with me, or not be present when at home (on his phone/TV), I missed him but likely suffocated him. I was also entirely dependent on him as at the time I needed him to chauffeur me to work and back. I just got my own license and car after we broke up. He decided he wanted to break up and just disappeared out of the house for a month. I did not take it well. I made every mistake coaches tell you not to ie. Yell, Plead, beg, cry, try and be friends, rage, guilt, shame, Jesus the list goes on. He didn’t act much better demanding 50/50 custody and threatening to not provide support. His main admission for the break up was that I was controlling and emotionally abusive. He left and the arguments got worse as my anxiety heightened that Im losing the person I saw myself spending the rest of my life with. We were not physically separated for five months after the break up as he needed to find a place to live and I needed rides to work. It was terrible and left me feeling worthless.
    Now Ive been following your no-contact recommendations for two weeks, unless it pertains to our son, I dont engage. I’ve regained my confidence and stayed in school, work, gym, got a car, gave him all the old furniture and furnished the house entirely. Im heartbroken, but understand the assignment. Although I have the impressively good looks (not to brag) and smarts, I fear that my “controlling/needy/anxious” behaviour may have turned him away forever. He’s very polite during our Sunday exchange with our son, and still complements my looks. I just fear looks or time invested will not cut it because he has developed this vicious, angry, broken image of me. He’s admitted that he feels resentful at the imbalance of give and take in the relationship. He still loves me and provides a little more financial support than a court would order. He still wants to watch his son, and I encourage this, for 3 days of the week. His dad left him when he was young so I know he will always be there to take care of both me and my son. But there’s so much resentment as he says the relationship was toxic/unhealthy. He said he’s not sure if he’ll ever be able to forgive me for the damage thats been caused. He said he thinks I have some growing to do, and that he doesn’t know what will happen in the future in regards to us getting back together, and that he wont close that door. But I need you to please tell me if there is or should be a chance at reconciliation or not so I can direct my mind to one outcome or the other. I was not the monster he described but that is what he thinks of me. I took care of all of his needs in the house and as a person. It was stressful towards the end juggling work, school, and baby by myself, but I was doing the best I could at the time. I’ve also tackled my anxiety with proper medication now. Even though I wasnt happy towards the end of the relationship either, which is probably why I became so mean, the fact that he broke up with me flipped the power dynamics and he’s in control now. I feel like my actions after the break up elongated his relief stage to a possible forever. But if there’s no chance in him taking me back, I can move on. I just need to hear it because he’s left me in limbo. I feel shame for not being able to be the person he needed me to. I feel like I am today, but that its likely too late.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 26, 2022 at 9:25 pm

      Hey Anna, so I think you are on the right track but right now that your focus needs to be working on your anxiousness and your controlling manner. I get this is harder to show to someone who you only see once a week, but be more relaxed about things or easy going. Appear to be just getting home when he drops off your son let him think you have been out etc. You have done the work on yourself, and you know your worth it is just that change that he needs to see in the attachment – even though this is not a VISIBLE thing it is a feeling that people will pick up when spending time with each other so if you are happier and more secure it will show.

  16. Chioma happiness Ukachukwu

    February 23, 2022 at 9:37 pm

    What if he got married to another woman on the process of getting him back, am currently carrying his baby and he suggested an abortion which I refused, that’s how he left me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 26, 2022 at 12:27 pm

      If he is married to someone else, you need to end things and walk away. The fact he has got you pregnant while planning a wedding with someone else shows you who he is as a man!

  17. Cynthia

    January 16, 2022 at 8:23 pm

    My ex and I were together for almost 9 years. We have a 5 year old. Our relationship was fine there was no signs of being unhappy. We had our occasional arguments nothing too crazy. For our anniversary this past September he upgraded my engagement ring. We were planing our wedding. One week he started acting weird and I started looking through his phone messages and found sexting messages with another women. I confronted him and his immediate response was “I’m not in love with you anymore”, but still he told me it was a break and he needed time, and nothing is set in stone. His actions made no sense and both of our families were in shock. This women he cheated on me with is much older 13 years older than him. He hardly sees our daughter. Doesn’t move any of his stuff from our house, he is living in hotels and recently started following me back on social media again. He also wants me to talk to his mistresses to be close with her incase they end up together and my daughter would have to be around her. This whole thing is confusing. Do you think he would ever come back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 30, 2022 at 7:52 pm

      Cynthia, DO NOT get close to the other woman. That is not what you want to do right now if you want him back. At the moment you need to follow the limited no contact for 45 days and use this time to work on yourself. Pack up his belongings and tell him to come to collect them. Let him feel that shift where you are done waiting for him. IF he thinks you are sat at home waiting for him he has no reason to change his ways. The fact he has not moved in with her (or at least says he hasn’t) is a good sign, but you need to make him think he is losing you now.

  18. Ayanda Skomolo

    January 13, 2022 at 7:36 am

    Morning

    This has been very helpful, well i tried all the tricks well he left me for some girl n according to my perspective n my viewing he was running away from the responsibility n he would always tell me . ..you guys are expensive till he replaced me!! Well okay i went to no contact for a good 6months..heard rumours they starting to fight and all i kept on my lane,worked on myself opened a business, got my license it was a good 6months of self development ….

    Well he hasn’t been supporting so i put him through maintenance
    ..just gave him the paper a week back for a court date ….i looked so strong n amazing n i realised i dont need him n hes not my type he couldn’t believe hes eyes,he kept on starring at me !!! N ive drastically change for the better self Development is the best ..

    Thanks❤‍♀️

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 16, 2022 at 9:56 pm

      Amazing work Ayanda! Well done you. Let’s hope your ex eats his heart out!

  19. Seanna Johnson

    January 5, 2022 at 2:44 am

    Me and my ex dated for four years.we have two daughters together and we have broken up and gotten back together several of times. He is the most charming and attractive men but he gave up on taking care of me and our kids once I figured out he secretly sexted multiple girls and even went to the gym saying he was alone but with another women. For years, we only get together when we’re both doing good and lately, we havent. I am starting to want him as bad as I tried to get pregnant which is supported twice. He feels sense I put him out because he was unfaithful, he doesn’t visit and we strictly co parent. I miss everything about him and wish I was someone special to him that he made a priority. So far, we’ve exchange quick oral which I . Gave not received so I ended the cycle. He always gives excuses if I ask him to come by . I now don’t talk to him but co parent exclusively…. Is this something I did or is he really over me

  20. Sara

    November 28, 2021 at 2:57 pm

    My ex and I were together 6 and a half years we broke up Oct 1 and by the 15th he had a new gf I just found out they got engaged. He has minimal contact with our daughter this woman hasn’t even met our daughter thankfully. Before I found out about the engagement he would try to make small talk about specific things in his life. He has pushed away all our family and friends no one can understand why he is doing this. I would love to put our little family back together.

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