“Never chase a man after a breakup; let him come after you.”
This piece of advice is something we say over and over again in the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Facebook Group.
Because it’s a mistake everyone makes and it is 100% right.
Men are biologically driven to enjoy the chase. This is why they are so frequently the pursuers in relationships while women tend to take a more passive role… at least in the beginning.
In dating, one of the most important things you can do is sit back and let him prove how interested he is in you.
Have you ever seen “He’s Just Not That Into You”? It’s based on the book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.
And though the title may seem a bit harsh, the lessons are sound. If a guy is interested in you he will make an effort to show you that.
There is as much of a stigma towards men as there is towards women when it comes to putting themselves out there. If women do it, they are considered desperate and crazy. But men are expected to initiate and make their interest known… though there are some crazies out there who go overboard, to be sure.
Simply put, if a guy is interested in you, he will make it painfully obvious.
After my last breakup, I was back in the dating scene for the first time in YEARS.
Seriously, the last time I was single, Tinder didn’t even exist!
I had to learn how to gauge the interest of a man very quickly. The ones who were not interested in anything with me didn’t respond right away and didn’t seem enthusiastic about getting to know me.
Let’s be real, there were only one or two of those, though.
On the other hand, the ones who were interested made it very clear.
- They texted, sometimes an overwhelming amount.
- They wanted to make plans.
- And they asked questions.
Those are the signs of someone who is interested, and they’re also signs of someone who may come back after a breakup.
And I let them chase me.
- Respond, not immediately but in a timely manner
- Be your charming self
- Avoid coming on too strong in your responses
What Makes A Man Come Back After A Breakup
First, we are going to start at the end. We are going to cover what it takes for a guy to admit he made a mistake in letting you get away and return to the relationship.
Men are stubborn.
It may take a lot for him to admit he was wrong and show up at your door at 4 am with his tail between his legs. But it can happen.
Part of it has to do with you, and another part of it has to do with the chase, and the push/pull theory.
The first thing that will make a man start to question his decision is No Contact.
There is nothing as powerful as the lack of you to make a man miss you. And time and space away from each other is the only thing that will accomplish that.
Do not contact him after the breakup.
Instead, go into an immediate No Contact period.
I’m not going to expand too much on thatin this article because there are already countless articles on this site that will spell out why No Contact is so necessary, and how it affects your Ex Boyfriend’s brain and emotions.
When Will He Start To Miss Me
I know it can be like torture waiting for your ex to reach out – all you want is for him to initiate. You find yourself asking,
“How long before he calls me after a breakup?”
“When will we get to the meetup phase?”
I know it’s tempting to push the process and try to make it go by faster. But the best thing you can do is let it all happen naturally – if you do that, he will begin to chase. It may not happen as quickly as you’d like it to, but it will happen.
It takes varying amounts of time for a guy to miss you after a breakup take place. Clichés are clichés for a reason. It does tend to be true that men and women process breakups differently.
The cliché is that women cry into a tub of ice cream and watch romantic comedies, and men go out to party and sleep with as many new women as possible, that doesn’t last forever. Women tend to process their emotions early on, while most men suppress them.
BAfter some time, women tend to begin feeling better and move on more fully, just around the time that men start realizing what they gave up. That is why moving on without moving on can be so effective.
There isn’t really an exact timeline on how long missing you will start to take. Chances are 30 days of No Contact will only start to get things moving in that direction. You’ll have some work to do before he begins to actively chase. But the changes that you start making to your life during No Contact, those will set up the important base to get your ex missing you and reaching out.
How To Make Him Chase You
We’ve established why it is important to make your ex boyfriend chase you, but we haven’t really gotten to how you can influence that decision. Through the ex recovery process, you are interacting with your ex in a number of ways – social media, texts, calls, and in-person meetups. How do you make him chase you in all of these areas?
When my friends ask me for dating advice, I always tell them to care less.
“Whoever cares less wins,”
I say. And I don’t mean that you should actually care less, but I mean you should appear to care less.
What does that mean? It basically means you can’t make the object of your desire the center of your life. Your ex needs to know that you have other things going on in your life that take priority over him. No one wants to be the center of someone’s universe – it’s way too much pressure.
Think about it – when he’s chasing, and you’re taking a passive position, you are in the position of power. You know where he stands, but are not reciprocating the same amount of effort. But how do you get there?
It begins with getting him interested in what you are doing during n by utilizing social media. You’re not reaching out to him, but he is seeing how you are slaying your each and every day inadvertently, so his curiosity will be piqued.
The next step is text messages. Don’t respond to him right away. You’re a busy woman, make him wait until you have a free moment. If you are too available, it signals desperation, which is not attractive. Don’t double text. If you don’t get a response, don’t follow up. Wait a few days and try again.
Now when it comes to texting, and when it comes to meetups, the Push/Pull theory will be a friend to you. When your ex starts to pull away, it may feel natural to try harder, but what you should do is stop and take a step back. This works especially well is you gnatted a lot post-breakup. When your ex realizes you are no longer pursuing, something will go off in his brain and he’ll subconsciously start to wonder why you didn’t reach out again. Did you lose interest? Did you meet someone else? The sad truth is that sometimes, what it takes to make your ex want you, is him thinking you are no longer an option.
Maintain a little mystery during conversations via phone and in person. Don’t give it all away. Maintaining an aura of secrecy can be alluring and make your ex want to spend more time with you. If he pulls back, your impulse may be to push to get him interested again but don’t follow that. Instead, keep yourself busy and find something else to occupy you. Your ex cannot be your life. No man should.
It is also normal for a man to rubberband a bit after a good interaction. If you feel like you got somewhere with him in conversation, but then get radio silence for the next few days, don’t fear. Just give him time and space and let him come back to you.
You really maintain so much more control over the situation if you can make sure to curb your impulses and let him initiate. As an experiment with an ex, I once went a full month without initiating, just to see the results. Sure, we went without talking for a day or two here or there, but we actually ended up talking almost every day – with him beginning every conversation. He wants to chase – he’s biologically built to do it. And you’ll feel better and more confident on your journey if you take a step back and let him chase you, too.
Tying It All Together
As creepy as it sounds, men are biologically built to chase, to hunt. And we, as women, are built to be hunted. Keep in mind that you don’t have to be super sweet and available to a man to chase after you. In fact, feigning disinterest can be a very powerful tool. Hell, in season 6 of Buffy, she is terribly cruel to Spike, but it doesn’t make him love her any less:
Spike: Come on. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you wanna dance.
Buffy: Say it’s true. Say I do want to. It wouldn’t be you, Spike. It would never be you. You’re beneath me.
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Fool For Love”
Her words hurt him, but he still ends the episode holding her. I’m not saying to be outright cruel to your ex. But don’t be too available. Let him come after you. Engage is some push/pull.
Men don’t want a woman who will make him her world. They want a woman who has a life and other interests outside of him. And you should want that for yourself, too.
As tempting as it may be to go after your ex boyfriend during the process, take a step back and re-evaluate. Go out with friends, take a bubble bath, focus on work. Essentially, focus on anything that makes your life better and has nothing to do with you rex and I can almost guarantee that your phone will be lighting up with a text from him in no time.
So, now that you are all filled in on what’s going on and how to deal with it, let’s talk about your particular situation. I want to know:
- The details surrounding your breakup
- What you have done since the breakup
- And, after reading this article, what you think your next move should be
Our experts will get back to you and you will discuss what your next best move should be to get your ex back.