By Rachel

“Never chase a man after a breakup; let him come after you.”

This piece of advice is something we say over and over again in the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Facebook Group.

Why?

Because it’s a mistake everyone makes and it is 100% right.

Men are biologically driven to enjoy the chase. This is why they are so frequently the pursuers in relationships while women tend to take a more passive role… at least in the beginning.

In dating, one of the most important things you can do is sit back and let him prove how interested he is in you.

Have you ever seen “He’s Just Not That Into You”? It’s based on the book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.

And though the title may seem a bit harsh, the lessons are sound. If a guy is interested in you he will make an effort to show you that.

There is as much of a stigma towards men as there is towards women when it comes to putting themselves out there. If women do it, they are considered desperate and crazy. But men are expected to initiate and make their interest known… though there are some crazies out there who go overboard, to be sure.

Simply put, if a guy is interested in you, he will make it painfully obvious.

After my last breakup, I was back in the dating scene for the first time in YEARS.

Seriously, the last time I was single, Tinder didn’t even exist!

I had to learn how to gauge the interest of a man very quickly. The ones who were not interested in anything with me didn’t respond right away and didn’t seem enthusiastic about getting to know me.

Let’s be real, there were only one or two of those, though.

On the other hand, the ones who were interested made it very clear.

  • They texted, sometimes an overwhelming amount.
  • They wanted to make plans.
  • And they asked questions.

Those are the signs of someone who is interested, and they’re also signs of someone who may come back after a breakup. 

And I let them chase me.

You see, if a guy really is interested, you won’t have to do much work at all. They’ll take care of it for you. All you have to do is:
  • Respond, not immediately but in a timely manner
  • Be your charming self
  • Avoid coming on too strong in your responses
It’s quite a powerful feeling, really.
So embrace it, and prepare to be chased.

What Makes A Man Come Back After A Breakup

First, we are going to start at the end. We are going to cover what it takes for a guy to admit he made a mistake in letting you get away and return to the relationship.

Men are stubborn.

It may take a lot for him to admit he was wrong and show up at your door at 4 am with his tail between his legs. But it can happen.

Part of it has to do with you, and another part of it has to do with the chase, and the push/pull theory.

The first thing that will make a man start to question his decision is No Contact.

There is nothing as powerful as the lack of you to make a man miss you. And time and space away from each other is the only thing that will accomplish that.

Do not contact him after the breakup.

Instead, go into an immediate No Contact period.

I’m not going to expand too much on thatin this article because there are already countless articles on this site that will spell out why No Contact is so necessary, and how it affects your Ex Boyfriend’s brain and emotions.

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When Will He Start To Miss Me

I know it can be like torture waiting for your ex to reach out – all you want is for him to initiate. You find yourself asking,

“How long before he calls me after a breakup?”

“When will we get to the meetup phase?”

I know it’s tempting to push the process and try to make it go by faster. But the best thing you can do is let it all happen naturally – if you do that, he will begin to chase. It may not happen as quickly as you’d like it to, but it will happen.

It takes varying amounts of time for a guy to miss you after a breakup take place. Clichés are clichés for a reason. It does tend to be true that men and women process breakups differently.

The cliché is that women cry into a tub of ice cream and watch romantic comedies, and men go out to party and sleep with as many new women as possible, that doesn’t last forever. Women tend to process their emotions early on, while most men suppress them.

BAfter some time, women tend to begin feeling better and move on more fully, just around the time that men start realizing what they gave up. That is why moving on without moving on can be so effective.

There isn’t really an exact timeline on how long missing you will start to take. Chances are 30 days of No Contact will only start to get things moving in that direction. You’ll have some work to do before he begins to actively chase. But the changes that you start making to your life during No Contact, those will set up the important base to get your ex missing you and reaching out.

How To Make Him Chase You

We’ve established why it is important to make your ex boyfriend chase you, but we haven’t really gotten to how you can influence that decision. Through the ex recovery process, you are interacting with your ex in a number of ways – social media, texts, calls, and in-person meetups. How do you make him chase you in all of these areas?

When my friends ask me for dating advice, I always tell them to care less.

“Whoever cares less wins,”

I say. And I don’t mean that you should actually care less, but I mean you should appear to care less.

What does that mean? It basically means you can’t make the object of your desire the center of your life. Your ex needs to know that you have other things going on in your life that take priority over him. No one wants to be the center of someone’s universe – it’s way too much pressure.

Think about it – when he’s chasing, and you’re taking a passive position, you are in the position of power. You know where he stands, but are not reciprocating the same amount of effort. But how do you get there?

It begins with getting him interested in what you are doing during n by utilizing social media. You’re not reaching out to him, but he is seeing how you are slaying your each and every day inadvertently, so his curiosity will be piqued.

The next step is text messages. Don’t respond to him right away. You’re a busy woman, make him wait until you have a free moment. If you are too available, it signals desperation, which is not attractive. Don’t double text. If you don’t get a response, don’t follow up. Wait a few days and try again.

Now when it comes to texting, and when it comes to meetups, the Push/Pull theory will be a friend to you. When your ex starts to pull away, it may feel natural to try harder, but what you should do is stop and take a step back. This works especially well is you gnatted a lot post-breakup. When your ex realizes you are no longer pursuing, something will go off in his brain and he’ll subconsciously start to wonder why you didn’t reach out again. Did you lose interest? Did you meet someone else? The sad truth is that sometimes, what it takes to make your ex want you, is him thinking you are no longer an option.

Maintain a little mystery during conversations via phone and in person. Don’t give it all away. Maintaining an aura of secrecy can be alluring and make your ex want to spend more time with you. If he pulls back, your impulse may be to push to get him interested again but don’t follow that. Instead, keep yourself busy and find something else to occupy you. Your ex cannot be your life. No man should.

It is also normal for a man to rubberband a bit after a good interaction. If you feel like you got somewhere with him in conversation, but then get radio silence for the next few days, don’t fear. Just give him time and space and let him come back to you.

You really maintain so much more control over the situation if you can make sure to curb your impulses and let him initiate. As an experiment with an ex, I once went a full month without initiating, just to see the results. Sure, we went without talking for a day or two here or there, but we actually ended up talking almost every day – with him beginning every conversation. He wants to chase – he’s biologically built to do it. And you’ll feel better and more confident on your journey if you take a step back and let him chase you, too.

Tying It All Together

As creepy as it sounds, men are biologically built to chase, to hunt. And we, as women, are built to be hunted. Keep in mind that you don’t have to be super sweet and available to a man to chase after you. In fact, feigning disinterest can be a very powerful tool. Hell, in season 6 of Buffy, she is terribly cruel to Spike, but it doesn’t make him love her any less:

Spike: Come on. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you wanna dance.

Buffy: Say it’s true. Say I do want to. It wouldn’t be you, Spike. It would never be you. You’re beneath me.

-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Fool For Love”

Her words hurt him, but he still ends the episode holding her. I’m not saying to be outright cruel to your ex. But don’t be too available. Let him come after you. Engage is some push/pull.

Men don’t want a woman who will make him her world. They want a woman who has a life and other interests outside of him. And you should want that for yourself, too.

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As tempting as it may be to go after your ex boyfriend during the process, take a step back and re-evaluate. Go out with friends, take a bubble bath, focus on work. Essentially, focus on anything that makes your life better and has nothing to do with you rex and I can almost guarantee that your phone will be lighting up with a text from him in no time.

So, now that you are all filled in on what’s going on and how to deal with it, let’s talk about your particular situation. I want to know:

  1. The details surrounding your breakup
  2. What you have done since the breakup
  3. And, after reading this article, what you think your next move should be

Our experts will get back to you and you will discuss what your next best move should be to get your ex back.

91 thoughts on “You Should Let Your Ex Come To You; Here’s Why!”

  1. Katie Ercolina

    May 12, 2018 at 3:24 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me 5 weeks ago. We were living together but he took some of his clothes and left. Most of his belongings are still here along with his dogs and one of his motorcycles. His best friends mom passed away new years day then his dad passed on February 2 and his mom passed on February 16. His mom was his main support his whole life, she meant everything to him. He started shutting me out soon after her death. He would stay out late and go sit at parks and think and try to process I guess. He wouldn’t really talk to me or his sisters. His mom’s death was very sudden and unexpected. I was there for him through all of it. The viewing, the funeral, after but he just shut down. He told me he feels empty dead and numb inside. I told him everyday I loved him and asked how he was doing, I took care of everything I could to make life a little easier for him. His mom left him $50,000 , he got it on March 19th. By the 23rd more than half was gone and by the end of April it was all gone. He bought a couple things he actually needed but the rest he blew on toys he thought would make him feel better but he has yet to use most of them. He made plans with me and my kids for the coming months and his kids too. He bought a dog for our family and bought a vehicle big enough to fit us all in without having to take 2 cars. Then a few days before he broke up.with me he got arrested. He called a friend to bail him out, I didn’t know where he was for 24 hours. He could be facing jail but I think he will get probation. He hasn’t taken care of his child support payment issues, he has to pay way more than he can afford, his attorney needs paperwork from him but last I know it hasn’t been taken care of . He not only shut me down but his sisters as well, he is very close with them but hasn’t made any effort with them either. He has 2 girls who he went a month and a half without seeing, he’s a good dad normally. The day he broke up with me he was angry at me for pushing him to go get some help, I was worried about him, he wouldn’t talk to me all day and then came home, we lived together, and was stressed about his truck needing to go back to the shop and I told him to figure out what he wanted to do and he blew up at me and said it was over. He got on his motorcycle and left. I didn’t see him for almost a week, then he came home and we talked for an hour and it was like nothing had happened until I brought up the relationship. Then he told me he doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to get back together. Told me he is talking to a friend and getting to know her. He had told me the week before he loved me and made plans with my kids for camping in July. When he broke up with me he told me I was pushing him too much and he had asked me to back off but I didn’t. Also the night he came home from jail I told him all I ever wanted from him was his love , some of his time and his attention and he said he just doesn’t have it in him to give right now cuz he feels dead numb and empty inside cuz of all the deaths. I haven’t talked to him in person in a month. I sent him messages most have never been answered. He moved in with his new girlfriend 2 weeks after they started dating. He has nowhere to go, can’t afford to live on his own with all the child support he has to pay, his money has run out. His friends and family have told me when the money runs out and the fun is all gone and reality sets in he will be back. I know this girl is a rebound but it still hurts. He was my first love over 20 years ago and I was his. He found me on fb after asking my brother for years about me. I love him with all my heart and honestly feel we are meant to be together but I fear his pride and stubbornness will never allow him to come back. I know all his faults and shortcomings and I love him more for them. He is a great guy but I guess he’s lost. I want him to co.e home. Yes we have had out share of problems and arguments and fights and things were pretty rough towards the end. I think that’s all he remembers is the bad and the good far outweighs the bad but he’s seems to have forgotten. Any thoughts or help to bring him home would be appreciated. He told me I wasn’t there for him through the worst time of his life, I was as much as he’s let me.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 12, 2018 at 11:29 pm

      Hi Katie….I think a lot of the mean and ugly words he said to you were coming from a place of pain. The same probably goes for most of his actions you disagree with. I think the two of you have a lot of history, so I don’t think this story of the two of you has ended. Obviously, neither of know the ending, but there are things you can probably do to optimize your chances. For now, give him wide birth. If you are looking to optimize your chances then consider grabbing my ebook, Ex Recovery Pro” or any of the other resources/services I offer (website Menu/Products link). It operates like a go to Companion Guide that can help you through the whole breakup process so you are doing the things to better your chances.

  2. Sinh

    May 2, 2018 at 4:07 am

    Hi Chris,
    I dated a guy for over 2.5 years and broke up 7 months ago.. we were having lots of fights and issues. But recently, he was having a split from his friends and I stood by his side by which he says he understood my worth. But during these 7 months, he did something which broke my trust, so I told him we shoudnt be talking or meeting again. But then he called up and said give another chance, lets give the relationship a try. Its a week this happened. But as I am having a rough time mentally, I’ve become a little clingy and annoying, he says “I know you werent like this before. You were too jolly types. I understand you are having a bad time, so lets get better first and then decide if we can continue this relationship”.. I want to become the way I was before, for whom he fell in love madly, but it seems difficult with my mental instability. What do I do???

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 3, 2018 at 1:54 am

      Hi Sinh…I have a Private Facebook Support Group that consists of about 1500 women who help each other. I do weekly live webcasts for this Group (learn more at my website Menu/Products link). So consider that if you need some emotional support. There are chemicals in our brain that can cause us to be addictive when a breakup ensues. But in time, those emotions that stir in you will slow down and you will be able to process things better. Take some time to heal is not a bad idea. Have you picked up a copy of my ebook, Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro yet? It serves as a Companion Guide for folks going thru a rough time.

    2. Sinh

      May 3, 2018 at 5:21 am

      Thanks Chris, I will consider your advice. Its like he loves me, but the spark seems missing. He loves me, we are giving it a try, but he said great if it works out but if it doesnt we should end it. Whenever he talks about his future, it seems like he sees me nowhere in it. I want to make him fall in love with me deeply and madly, wherein he will eagerly want “our try” to work out and imagines his future with me. Please help me, Chris.

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 3, 2018 at 2:22 pm

      Hi again. Just draw up your plan based on the advice in my ebooks and on the site…and move forward with it!

  3. Hannah

    April 28, 2018 at 8:44 pm

    How to find the right balance between being friendly and being distant?

    My ex and I have met a few times, which was mostly great, quite peaceful and romantic which makes me hopeful but no big steps to reconciliation yet. And he’s still with ow which he doesn’t seem to intend to leave soon. I’ve now moved abroad, I guess “being there” is my best avenue to follow according to ERP…But how to behave?

    1. Initiate contact, be nice and friendly and keep the conversation going in a approachable way. But I may end up as the spare wheel

    2. Let him initiate, be mysterious and a bit distant so he has to chase me. But he may not feel like chasing me and ignore me too..

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 28, 2018 at 11:32 pm

      Hi Hannah…probably a little bit of both approaches. Adapt as you see fit.

  4. Amy

    April 16, 2018 at 2:18 pm

    Hi! I have been in no contact for 19 days. April 28th is my contact day. We have a baby together and when he comes to see him I look great, have a charming attitude, and let him know nonchalantly that I have things going on so not a lot of time to chat. I broke up with him after he said some things about me during a “break” that hurt me bad. It is great to make myself number 1 and spoil myself during NC. And I’m REALLY questioning whether he is the right one! Thanks for your program. I’ve checked out many, this is the most helpful and I’m so grateful that you are here!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 18, 2018 at 3:11 am

      Hi Amy! You are number 1 Amy. Just remember that. You and your child. Go slow and let your mind settle in on the truth of what you want. If he comes calling and treats you well, that will bode well. But ultimately, look at your future with or without him in the most rational way possible. Emotions can have a way of sneaking up on us and distorting what is best for us. If you need some ongoing support, we offer Coaching Services and we also have a wonderful Private Facebook Group you can learn more about at our website menu/Products link.

  5. Jen

    April 9, 2018 at 6:18 pm

    We had been dating 6 months. He had been separated from his wife for 2 years and they have a 9 year old daughter together. His ex was the first person he opened up to and was never in a relationship before her. They got married because of their child. We started dating in early October. Their divorce was just finalized in December. In the beginning few months, there was extreme desire on his part to be with me and initiate everything. Since the divorce, he has been saying things like: “I’m unsure if I’m able to be into anyone right now”; “I’m not ready and I don’t want to screw up a good thing because I’m not ready”; “I really like you and losing you is not what I want”; etc. He’s been flipping and flopping for months, but at the end of February after he was a real jerk selling me out for an event we were supposed to go to, I went no contact for 4 days – he came running back with apologies and even said we should give being in a relationship a shot – it was his idea. Over a month went by seemingly normal and I was being patient with him. Last week, he called and things seemed fine, until I asked when we could see each other. He said he needed to talk to me about that and said, “I really like you and I wanted this work so bad and I tried hard to find the feeling I’m looking for. You are everything I could want. I care about you and we are good together. I’m scared to end up with the wrong person again like I did with my ex of 10 years. I’ve been looking for things about you and reasons why this can’t work and I can’t find one thing wrong. I’m just looking for a feeling and I’m not even sure it exists or what it’s supposed to feel like, maybe it’s just in the movies, but I’m not feeling it with us. I could be making a huge mistake and I want to be your friend. I just don’t have an overwhelming desire that we need to be together. We always have fun together and I really do like you, but I don’t want to string you along – it’s not fair to you.” I then asked if it was timing or he’s just not that into me and he said “maybe a little of both.” I said, “so you know for fact you’ll never want to be with me?” and he replied with, “no, it just doesn’t feel right right now.” I proceeded to cry for an hour and half in which he stayed on the phone talking to me. I made the mistake of texting him a few times in the last few days and he has responded to all of them quickly, but I think I made him angry because I got angry. I apologized and have not said anything else. Is there a shot in hell he’ll realize he made a mistake and come back or is there no hope at all for my situation? Thank you.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 11, 2018 at 12:39 am

      Hi Jen. Nice name! There is always a chance. ome time ago I created what I think is an awesome resource. It’s called Ex Recovery Pro. Full of ideas and clever strategies. Take a look. You might just need an informed blueprint to get you to the finish line. Click on my website’s Menu and pull up the “Products” Page. Explore and see if this fits your needs.

  6. Renee

    April 8, 2018 at 12:39 pm

    After reading this article, I can see where I went wrong. When we first started dating, I was scared. I was married for 17 years and divorced for 3 1/2. I dated my ex over 3 years. The last 6 months, I felt I was walking on eggshells. EVERYTHING was upsetting him. Not just me but with his parents and coworkers. One example, my daughter and I ate dinner at his place. His dishwasher was broke. I helped him cleanup. He yelled at me for putting dishes, etc. away that weren’t 100% dry. I told him he was being ungrateful and he didn’t appreciate my help. Arguments like that lead to him using words to imply he didn’t want to be with me. The breakup. One day, I was dropping my daughter off for the week at her dad’s. My boyfriend sent several texts and called 3 times while I was at my ex’s to tell me his running time from a 5k. My boyfriend at the time was more into texting so the phone calls meant a lot. He asked me to make lentil soup. I did. We were texting back and forth while I made it. I delivered it to his work. He mentioned a restaurant his boss told him about and said we should go. I got excited. We didn’t go out much due to our schedules. (We both work two jobs. I have two teens.) I went home and fell asleep watching tv. I saw a text. It was a pic of my boyfriend kneeling with his head resting on his left arm. I asked if he was ok. He asked why and next thing I know he’s asking if I was drunk. If I was texting the wrong person and covering up. Telling me horrible things. I took it as a breakup. I gave him 5 days to respond. I told him his silence said everything and I was returning his things. He has contacted me off and on since. We have gone through NC twice. I have been working on myself. I’m going to college. I didn’t go when I was young and I am excited to go and get a degree. Over the past month of being in touch with him, we were texting sometimes more one day than another. He stopped over one night. Conversation was great. That lead to cuddling on my couch and that lead to us sleeping together. Since the breakup, my mistakes were giving too much information and sleeping with him. Now instead of him pursuing me like he was, he’s silent, including last Sunday, Easter. Nothing from him but I received texts from his parents. After reading the article, I’m going to practice NC again. I decided NOT to sign myself and my daughter up for a 5k in order to keep from seeing him. He lives about 30 minutes away and we’re not connected on social media.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 11, 2018 at 2:22 am

      Hello Renee. Best of luck to you

  7. Eliza

    March 24, 2018 at 9:30 pm

    My ex basically thought the grass was greener on the other side.I did 30 days no contact. Towards the end of week 4 he contacted my daughter to give me a message because I actually had him blocked. I unblocked him to give my condolences for his loss. From that point he initiatiates all the contact between us that includes phone calls and text messages and messenger. Although I unfriended him during nc. I have not pursused sending a request as I am waiting for him to do that.We have been communicating for about 3 weeks some hot and cold . Unfortunately we haven’t done a face to face meet up. He gave an innuendo to it a few days ago. He works shifts and is on the evening shift this week and next week days. How do I get him to ask me out on a date? I am not sure of my next step other than to continue working on me. But I do want to go on dates with him.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 3, 2018 at 1:09 am

      Getting him to ask you on a date can generally be done if you find a way to create scarcity, urgency and a fear of loss.

    2. Stacey E Gash

      April 3, 2018 at 11:49 am

      Any examples you can offer

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 4, 2018 at 12:54 am

      Do me a big favor Stacey,

      Can you tell me exactly what examples you were talking about. The comment software I am using doesn’t allow me to go back and reference our conversation (pain in the butt I know.)

    4. Stacey E Gash

      April 5, 2018 at 6:05 pm

      I was asking how to get my ex to ask me out. I’ve done NC and we have been talking and texting for about a month but he has yet to initiate a face to face meet up. You suggested scarcity, fear of loss or urgency. I wanted examples of what that would look like?

    5. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 6, 2018 at 12:06 am

      Examples!

      Ok!

      Scarcity: Highlighting an aspect of yourself that is unique to you and is one of a kind. This can be a photogenic picture, a smile, the way you walk, the way you flirt…

      Urgency/Fear of Loss: Find a way to introduce competition of another man finding you attractive so that he feels a need to lock you down.

    6. Stacey E Gash

      April 7, 2018 at 12:08 am

      Thank you Chris. I watch your videos all the time and they are extremely helpful and informative. At this point I think that we are both using the recovery tactics on each other.If that’s even possible? So I guess we are at a stalemate waiting on the other to come clean.

    7. Jennifer Seiter

      Jennifer Seiter

      April 7, 2018 at 2:22 am

      Hi Stacey, I am going to jump in here and offer you my perspective.

      I’m Jen, Chris’ wife and a coach 🙂 . It’s totally possible for you guys to be having a “stand off.”

    8. Stacey

      April 8, 2018 at 9:15 pm

      Thank you. Is there anyway to go back and edit so that my full name doesn’t appear in previous post without deleting entire post? I left it this time so you would know which ones. Sorry for any inconvenience.

    9. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 11, 2018 at 1:38 am

      I am working on it Stacey!

  8. Cheyenne Starner

    March 17, 2018 at 3:46 pm

    How are we letting them cause us if we have to message them first after NC??

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 17, 2018 at 5:10 pm

      Because it’s about what your message is and how you end it..

  9. Maria

    March 15, 2018 at 8:25 pm

    Thank you Amor. Yes, we did NC for 3 weeks. Everything else has happened after that. He continue messaging me and asking me out. Im not sure when to ask him or wait for him to do the right thing and be honest with me, if we are to try again or moving on. Thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 16, 2018 at 3:05 pm

      Ok, restart nc and stick to at least 30 days.. Don’t reply if he messages you..after that, you can initiate and slowly rebuild rapport. Be active in posting in social media too

  10. Maria

    March 12, 2018 at 10:32 pm

    I could really use an input on my situation. My boyfriend after 5 years decided that he needs to leave me, because he feels he can’t establish better relationship with my teenage son. He left 2 months ago and we did messaged some to each other, and see each other, but then I decided to cut everything off. But I slipped again and let him come to our house. We watched a movie. all 3 of us and then we talked. He apologized for all the pain that he caused me and that leaving was the biggest mistake he has done. So he said all the right things that night, but he is not ready to come back because he can’t forgive himself for what he has done. He said he loves me and cares for me and misses everything that we had, but..Now Im stuck again in the mud, with no direction to take. Please advise.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 15, 2018 at 10:25 am

      Hi Maria,

      Have you tried the nc rule?

  11. me

    March 5, 2018 at 9:51 pm

    My boyfriend and I were dating for over two years. I have 5 kids (20,14,11,7 and 5) and he has 2 kids (6 and 4). We work together and we were very good friends for a couple years before we started dating. He only had 2 serious relationships before with the first one cheating on him and the second one he married within 18 months. I have had 2 also with the first one cheating on me and the second one I was with for 16 years even though he cheated on me. About a year ago he was over 4-5 nights a week and we were doing things with all the kids and he would be over when it was just my kids and interacted with them. He wanted to buy a house and move in together but I was not ready for that because there was a lot to work out and honestly felt like he had blinders on and was not ready either. Last April we took a break for a week but talked the whole time and I realized it was jump all in or be without him. I decided to jump in and we started working on was to compromise on issues and thought we got things settled. I then gave him 6 months to start coming back more to how he was but he never did so in October I started pushing more about spending more time together and making decisions together as a family and toward our future. He then started telling me he is selfish and liked his own time and space and was not ready to move forward and was good with what we were doing. The end of November we didn’t talk for a week (I contacted him) and then met and agreed to do things to start moving forward but then he just didn’t do any of them. He never talked to me about why and then we would talk about it and it never went anywhere so I got more upset. When we broke up he told me that what we talked about overwhelmed him so he just did none of it. He said he loves me and I am the person he wants to be with but he is not ready to move forward right now. He says I am his best friend and his favorite person to talk to and spend time with and he sees his future with me. He said maybe in 2-5 years when the kids are older we can talk about moving in together. He can not give a better time frame he says. His ex is manipulative of his kids and between her and his mom they do not make him feel good about his parenting. His mom is kind of crazy and very demanding on him and his dad (they are divorced) really doesn’t care if he sees him and the kids but he still goes out there for a day on his weekends with his kids. In the month before we broke up he had been putting more distance and I feel like trying to look for all the negative in us. We broke up on January 20th after about a 2.5hr talk where we ordered pizza and laughed as well as being sad. We had 3 choices (both jump in and try, take a break or be done) and he said he didn’t know what to do he was all over the place. I then went through the option and said I didn’t think a break would help and he agreed. At the end of the conversation I told him that if he can not say he wants to be all in with me that the answer has to be we are done. He completely lost it and couldn’t leave him like that so sat next to him and held him while he cried then started crying myself. After awhile he sat up and so I put my hand on his and told him good luck on a couple things coming up in his future to which he started crying harder with each one and ended with if you decide you want to talk do not be stubborn and just talk to me and gave him his garage door opener back. He talked to one of the guys we work with briefly and what he got out of the conversation is he is scared and freaked out which is my take on it also. He said he feels like he is failing at us and made the comment that he tried being married after a short time and it didn’t work – I reminded him we are not our past relationships. I have only seen him twice here at work even though the building we work in is not very big. The first time in the parking lot we couldn’t even smile at each other and looked away and the second in a meeting he only looked at me twice that I know of but I looked at him – he looked as sad as I felt. We were truly best friends and we amazing together which he agreed with. I have lost my best friend and favorite person and I don’t know what to do about it. He is good at pushing stuff away so he doesn’t have to think about it so I am afraid if he pushes me to far to the back he will not be able to get to the feelings again but want to give him time to realize he misses me too. I don’t know if he is not talking to me because he doesn’t want to, he can’t or he thinks it is best for me not to. I contact him after about a month and he made it clear he was still hurting but was trying to be stronger. I asked to see him and he said that would not be a good thing for him right now. I know he is going out and partying because we work together and know the same people, he also has bought a house in the time we have been apart.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 10, 2018 at 1:40 pm

  12. Jazz

    March 1, 2018 at 7:58 pm

    A brief summary:
    We were together for almost 3 years, in the beginning of our relationship when we just began to talk he was afraid he wasn’t in love so we spoke lightly that week (him initiating) and then we began to date, a few months in his ex texted him and I noticed he responded so I said I was leaving since I was going to sleep over that weekend and so for a week we kept communication until he saw me and wanted to get back (he saw his ex for closure and told me he felt nothing for her and spoke about me the whole time making her feel bad). So the next two years were amazing both of our families got along, I lived in his house with his family, his friends all liked me and we were both fun, did activities and went on a bunch of trip together and concerts. We would have small arguments and I’d be a little negative when we would get into discussions, I never worked on it. And a day after his 26th birthday we argued about finances and he said we shouldn’t talk about it so I mentioned what I shouldn’t have and said so if we got married or had a kid we can’t talk about money… the next day he told me he had doubts and couldn’t see me in his future and wanted to break up. I didn’t go to his house until two days later to pick up all of my things.. he had it all ready in the room to put in my car and I bawled my eyes out but he said he wishes I’ll be in his future. I had left some things since he packed up my stuff so a week after not talking I called to get them back and he said he’d gather them and I told him I loved him and that we could work on the problems we had together not apart.. didn’t tell me anything about my things the next week and I messaged him to have lunch with me the second week and he told me he was busy so the next day if possible and I agreed.. I cancelled that day and told him that he is right and should let time pass by since he had told me at one point he thinks maybe we weren’t right even though I though we were and everyone around was surprised. So on the third week he messaged me telling me he had gone on a trip to disney with his family that weekend which is were we always went and he said he missed me and wanted to see me, I told him I couldn’t at the moment but later that day yes.. So I saw him and he decided we would talk again, so the next day we talked again like if it was all normal which we shouldn’t have because he told me not enough time passed and he jumped the gun, and his sexual desires got the best of him (we didn’t have sex we only kissed) and then that day I told him I rather talk in person, that we can take is slow, we ended up agreeing to being exclusive and talking slow and we had sex (I know) and so for the next two weeks we saw each other occasionally and texted a little almost every morning only and then that was it for the rest of the day and we didn’t talk maybe 2 whole days in those 2 weeks.. I felt distant and obviously didn’t want that so one day I initiated a message to see if he would want to hang out and told me he was very busy to leave it for the next day… so the next day I texted him I was in the area since we live 5 minutes away and that if I could pass by.. no answer so I dropped in since his family loves me anyways and I figured we were on good terms so why not be a surprise, he was shocked but we hung out and I told him I just felt a little distant since we began talking and that’s when he told me he saw that I wasn’t happy the way we were talking and that he saw it wasn’t doing me any good since he was still confused about what he wanted so I asked if he was falling out of love and he said he didn’t know.. maybe. So I cried and we hugged and then sex.. yep I know. So that night I sneaked into his room because I couldn’t sleep and he cuddled me and told me we’d talk about this later but wasn’t changing his mind. So we texted the next day and I had told him if we could still go to disney with his family for my birthday since he had invited me when we were talking those two weeks, and he said he will let me know. Two days later it was my birthday and we had lunch and planned to hang out that night, yes every time we had sex was at his house and we did it again.. So then I told him to let me know about disney since I was excited and so we went two days late with his family. He showed me so much affection as if we were together and then at night he wanted to have sex and I said no but saw he got frustrated and distant and I told him I was scared of his sleeping with someone else and he said “that’s what happens when people break up and date other people” I freaked out and pretty much initiated the sex which I shouldn’t have. The next day was the day we were leaving and he was distant but then warmed up a little but I asked if this was definite and he said “I don’t know I never felt single to know if this was what I wanted” and so then we went on with the day and back home he told me he wouldn’t be a ghost and would talk to me when time was adequate (he really wants space and I feel is basing how much time needs to pass from his other friends breakups that have gotten back with their exs) mind you I love this guy and want him in my future, I know I was needy but I won’t initiate contact, I want him to come back to me. It’s the fourth day since we parted ways and we have not spoken, I saw him driving home from work one day since we also work 5 minutes from each other but he drove another way that the usual route. I know it’s too soon to tell if he still wants me but everything was fine in our relationship I think I scared him thinking about marriage and the fact that he had just turned 26. So we prolonged the breakup for a month and now this is the real deal and the fourth day (the first time the breakup hit me like a ton of bricks but this time I remain hopeful and am trying to apply the law of attraction which is hard to still control bad thoughts but I am working on it) I am trying to just spend time with my family and reconnect with some friends, we have each other as friends on Instagram still and I want him to get curious about me so I don’t think I’ll really put pictures up, I never really do anyways. Could it be the case that he needs space to realize what we had was true and worth another shot, I know he was the one for me we were honestly a great couple.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 5, 2018 at 1:30 pm

      Hi Jazz
      You were like friends with benefits..so, start thr nc rule of at least 30 days, take it slow in rebuilding rapport after nc and don’t sleep with him again if you’re not officially together..

  13. Kimberly

    February 11, 2018 at 12:56 pm

    Well here goes. Can you tell me what to do and possibly give me an intelligent prediction as to what will happen? My ex boyfriend is stupid but terribly intelligent. In November we broke up, it started off clean but I kept seeing him with a girl who I thought was his friend but he admitted to cheating on me with her. Now, we broke up because he became less attracted to me. He says that it was because of all the drama but those were things that could have changed or been avoided had i maintained his attraction to me. I’ve done the no contact rule for three weeks before. When I contacted him, he totally broke down telling me he loved me and left 113 messages on my phone, kept calling, lovebombing me even. However he was still seeing that girl. I found out because after a few days of speaking he was ignoring my messages. I reverted mentally and went to his house. She was there. He chose her. He said he traded the love we had for peace and that his decision is the best for him. The next day after completely expressing myself emotionally, I went into no contact. Now I used to think that expressing myself that emotionally, as you would suggest is a turn off but it isnt to him i believe, not if he cares for you. See he has cried to me several times about our breakup every time that I leave him alone. So he understands emotion and loves passion. However, he still chose that girl. I havent spoken to him in 6 days. The issue happened 8 days ago. He put up a status that said “ignorance is as important as intelligence”. I found that to mean that maybe he found that I did not behave intelligently. And to make matters worse, I didnt even look my best when i went to his house. He isn’t even messaging me. He’s doing it so i can move on but really what i want is him to acknowledge my feelings, apologise and make amends… I also feel like because this is the second time im going into NC, and especially with seeing him and her in his house together, that it really may be the final nail in the coffin and that there’s nothing to talk about, no friendship to be had and that he’ll feel more secure moving forward because he knows that we can’t get back together, not after all that has happened. Can you just give me some insight…I don’t like the situation. While im moving on and working, he’s not around and I miss him. Will he reach out because I can’t be the one to chase him. I’ve done enough. What’s gonna happen..he’s dead set on this new girl but he doesn’t love her at all, wont miss her if she goes away, not that much even, they’re not best friends. They just like eachother and are friends, have sex and are in classes together. He seems to be wanting to make it work…

  14. Tanna

    February 11, 2018 at 12:34 am

    My ex and I were together for 6 months. During the time, we both acknowledged that it was the most compatible relationship we had ever been in, the most fun, passionate, the most understanding. It felt perfect. We both knew where we were headed long term. Im 27 and he is 32. Not long before we started dating, he left a 6 figure job to start his own business. During the time we were dating, the stress of starting a career afresh started to really get to him and he decided after Christmas that he couldn’t keep me a priority right now. He had to pick up another job to make ends meet and in his words – he couldn’t be the man I deserved right now, he doesn’t know how long this “drought” in his career will go on and he doesn’t want me to resent him eventually. He’s very traditional. He made it very clear he wants to be the provider in the relationship. I’m comfortable and make a very good salary myself. Initially, we agreed to be friends (maybe too quickly), but then the lack of free time on his side started to get frustrating. I went off on him, and accused him of using his financial situation as a cop out. He couldn’t believe I would suggest that but he apologized that I felt that way and blamed himself and bad timing and… that was the last he spoke to me. I since apologized for that, with no response from him. I started NC to give myself the space I needed to revaluate things and a possible friendship.

    It’s been 3 weeks. I’m wondering – was I too harsh? Is he really trying to work on himself or is he just not that into me? I plan to re-engage him slowly after a month when I’m ready to be friends. Any comments will help me. Still miss him terribly.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 15, 2018 at 1:03 pm

      Hi Tanna,

      Restart nc, and still be active in posting and make your posts public because he will probably get curious and check.

  15. Sasha

    February 9, 2018 at 9:48 pm

    Im so confused with my situation. We are Long distance. We spoke for 2 years when he was in Australia. He moved to Canada last year and we met. We are still LD because I’m in NY. We only met twice. Things have always been rocky between us. He always says he can’t marry me because of so many family issues on his side. In Dec 2017, things really started falling apart. He wouldn’t talk to me days. Message me once a week. He even called me one time and apologized for behaving the way he did. And then again back to the silence. Then a week later when i confronted him, and wanted to know what exactly is happening between us, he shut me down. I have not begged. I let it go. I started my NC. Although, I did wish him Happy birthday which was 18 days into NC. After that I decided to let it go completely and move on. He started messaging me (again like once a week). Liked my Instagram pic. texted me he liked my pic. Today (Feb 9), he texts me again saying he wants to go on vacation and if I would like to come. I asked him are we going as friends or more than that. He said friends. Now I’m so confused. Idk what is going on in his mind. Will NC work at this point? I know he has no other girl. He is in a lot of stress because of his family issues and he doesn’t like Canada. Im just lost as to how to approach this. Should I go on a vacation with him? I know it will make him stress free for that time. I won’t bring up the relationship and just try to keep the mood light and be a friend. But I also know, if something happens between us, it will break me when we come back from vacation and he is back to his old self. I think I’m friend zoned but not sure exactly what is on his mind.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 15, 2018 at 12:33 pm

      Hi Sasha,

      What’s the reason of rebuilding rapport again? Is it to get him back? Because if yes, I think you should just move on.. Unless, he’s going to move to Canada, or he literally says he changed his mind about the possibility of you being his wife someday.

  16. A.J.

    February 9, 2018 at 5:07 pm

    hi
    Big thanks for the entire team, basically your articles are my support system 😛

    I’m little bit confused over my situation here ..

    I made two mistakes one that required I break my no contact and apologize (according to one article on EBR) and the other required to never ever initiate the contact even after the end of the no contact period (also according to another article on EBR)

    I made all the mistakes chris once mentiond from being clingy, emotional, irrational, obsessed, whatever came to your mind just name it ! I basically became a drama queen to him :\ ! (the never initiate contact situation)

    I also made the mistake of not admiting to my problemes. The last thing I did before the NC was calling him a quitter and I never did acknowledge my part in breaking his heart!

    now (after more than two weeks of NC) I came to my senses, I start questioning my behavior (not only with him but also with others) I also did lots of reading and researching and I come to realize that I really did hurt him twice, first throughout our entire relationship when I was extremely self-centered and second throughout our breakup and how I reacted!

  17. Vero

    February 9, 2018 at 4:41 pm

    I have a general question!

    So, after NC, I may initiate contact and increase it bit by bit (Tide Theory). When should I let him initiate? And when I am allowed to initiate?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 12, 2018 at 11:40 pm

  18. Juanita Holt

    February 9, 2018 at 12:35 pm

    He made insecure lookiing at women had ro always sot n a restaurant so he could see everyone. We was together 1 year and 6 months, he was married 20 years they still not divorced she cheated he still pays her car insurance, phone bill and property taxes thats just what i know of. There son is 18 teen he still has pictures of her amd deleted all of mine. When i try to talk to him about anything he alwayus says its all n my head and we never resolve anything. He disappears for 3 to 4 days with no contact and says i stress him out with questions that im trying to control him my love is miserable and im not part of his routine.

  19. Ree

    February 9, 2018 at 4:23 am

    My ex and I were together for a almost a year. We moved in together after 6 months. At first he pursued me, initiated everything and pushed for us to see each other more, he could barely spend a night apart from me. As the relationship progressed, he became more distant and less affectionate until it almost completely stopped. We had a fight and he said he no longer saw a future for us but he wanted to try and fight to get back what we had. One day out of the blue he woke up and said he didn’t love me and never would and that I wasn’t the one for him but he needed time and space to clear his head. He couldn’t tell me that it was over but couldn’t tell me that we had a chance of getting back together but was trying not to give me false hope. Any contact after that he would reiterate that he felt he had made the right decision even if it hurt us both and that he can’t change how he feels. Naturally I panicked and begged for him not to leave me (hadn’t found this site yet) and 4 weeks after our break-up he blocked me on messenger but still has me as a friend. I have to see him 3 times a week due to sporting commitments at the same club. I am in my 4th week of NC but now whenever I see him he will try to have an excuse to start a conversation. I have maintained being aloof whenever he is around and not making a big deal out of our conversations but it is leaving me incredibly confused. What should I do? Should I walk away?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 9, 2018 at 12:57 pm

      HI Ree,

      by walking away do you mean moving on? How much are you improving yourself?

  20. Joanna

    February 8, 2018 at 5:39 pm

    He broke up with me about a month ago, saying he had lost interest and didn’t have romantic feelings any more. He said he wants to be friends, but he really hasn’t been showing that. One thing he said took a toll on him was that I struggle with depression and I was too dependent on him. I’m getting started back into therapy and trying to reach out to family and friends more to help with that. I had been letting him contact me, but I’m finding that trying to maintain a casual conversation is mentally draining because I’m trying to say everything right and not show how hurt I am. The first few days, I really tried and begged him to try again, or to take a break for a few months, but he says he can’t see himself spending his life with me anymore. This is after dating nearly 2 years and being friends for about a year before dating. He told me before he wanted to get married and that I was his soulmate. What happened? I don’t know what to do. I know you guys say no contact, but he tried to call earlier and I feel like ignoring it was wrong.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 9, 2018 at 12:23 pm

      Hi Joanna,

      Do you want to try the nc rule?

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