By Rachel

“Never chase a man after a breakup; let him come after you.”

This piece of advice is something we say over and over again in the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Facebook Group.

Why?

Because it’s a mistake everyone makes and it is 100% right.

Men are biologically driven to enjoy the chase. This is why they are so frequently the pursuers in relationships while women tend to take a more passive role… at least in the beginning.

In dating, one of the most important things you can do is sit back and let him prove how interested he is in you.

Have you ever seen “He’s Just Not That Into You”? It’s based on the book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.

And though the title may seem a bit harsh, the lessons are sound. If a guy is interested in you he will make an effort to show you that.

There is as much of a stigma towards men as there is towards women when it comes to putting themselves out there. If women do it, they are considered desperate and crazy. But men are expected to initiate and make their interest known… though there are some crazies out there who go overboard, to be sure.

Simply put, if a guy is interested in you, he will make it painfully obvious.

After my last breakup, I was back in the dating scene for the first time in YEARS.

Seriously, the last time I was single, Tinder didn’t even exist!

I had to learn how to gauge the interest of a man very quickly. The ones who were not interested in anything with me didn’t respond right away and didn’t seem enthusiastic about getting to know me.

Let’s be real, there were only one or two of those, though.

On the other hand, the ones who were interested made it very clear.

  • They texted, sometimes an overwhelming amount.
  • They wanted to make plans.
  • And they asked questions.

Those are the signs of someone who is interested, and they’re also signs of someone who may come back after a breakup. 

And I let them chase me.

You see, if a guy really is interested, you won’t have to do much work at all. They’ll take care of it for you. All you have to do is:
  • Respond, not immediately but in a timely manner
  • Be your charming self
  • Avoid coming on too strong in your responses
It’s quite a powerful feeling, really.
So embrace it, and prepare to be chased.

What Makes A Man Come Back After A Breakup

First, we are going to start at the end. We are going to cover what it takes for a guy to admit he made a mistake in letting you get away and return to the relationship.

Men are stubborn.

It may take a lot for him to admit he was wrong and show up at your door at 4 am with his tail between his legs. But it can happen.

Part of it has to do with you, and another part of it has to do with the chase, and the push/pull theory.

The first thing that will make a man start to question his decision is No Contact.

There is nothing as powerful as the lack of you to make a man miss you. And time and space away from each other is the only thing that will accomplish that.

Do not contact him after the breakup.

Instead, go into an immediate No Contact period.

I’m not going to expand too much on thatin this article because there are already countless articles on this site that will spell out why No Contact is so necessary, and how it affects your Ex Boyfriend’s brain and emotions.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

When Will He Start To Miss Me

I know it can be like torture waiting for your ex to reach out – all you want is for him to initiate. You find yourself asking,

“How long before he calls me after a breakup?”

“When will we get to the meetup phase?”

I know it’s tempting to push the process and try to make it go by faster. But the best thing you can do is let it all happen naturally – if you do that, he will begin to chase. It may not happen as quickly as you’d like it to, but it will happen.

It takes varying amounts of time for a guy to miss you after a breakup take place. Clichés are clichés for a reason. It does tend to be true that men and women process breakups differently.

The cliché is that women cry into a tub of ice cream and watch romantic comedies, and men go out to party and sleep with as many new women as possible, that doesn’t last forever. Women tend to process their emotions early on, while most men suppress them.

BAfter some time, women tend to begin feeling better and move on more fully, just around the time that men start realizing what they gave up. That is why moving on without moving on can be so effective.

There isn’t really an exact timeline on how long missing you will start to take. Chances are 30 days of No Contact will only start to get things moving in that direction. You’ll have some work to do before he begins to actively chase. But the changes that you start making to your life during No Contact, those will set up the important base to get your ex missing you and reaching out.

How To Make Him Chase You

We’ve established why it is important to make your ex boyfriend chase you, but we haven’t really gotten to how you can influence that decision. Through the ex recovery process, you are interacting with your ex in a number of ways – social media, texts, calls, and in-person meetups. How do you make him chase you in all of these areas?

When my friends ask me for dating advice, I always tell them to care less.

“Whoever cares less wins,”

I say. And I don’t mean that you should actually care less, but I mean you should appear to care less.

What does that mean? It basically means you can’t make the object of your desire the center of your life. Your ex needs to know that you have other things going on in your life that take priority over him. No one wants to be the center of someone’s universe – it’s way too much pressure.

Think about it – when he’s chasing, and you’re taking a passive position, you are in the position of power. You know where he stands, but are not reciprocating the same amount of effort. But how do you get there?

It begins with getting him interested in what you are doing during n by utilizing social media. You’re not reaching out to him, but he is seeing how you are slaying your each and every day inadvertently, so his curiosity will be piqued.

The next step is text messages. Don’t respond to him right away. You’re a busy woman, make him wait until you have a free moment. If you are too available, it signals desperation, which is not attractive. Don’t double text. If you don’t get a response, don’t follow up. Wait a few days and try again.

Now when it comes to texting, and when it comes to meetups, the Push/Pull theory will be a friend to you. When your ex starts to pull away, it may feel natural to try harder, but what you should do is stop and take a step back. This works especially well is you gnatted a lot post-breakup. When your ex realizes you are no longer pursuing, something will go off in his brain and he’ll subconsciously start to wonder why you didn’t reach out again. Did you lose interest? Did you meet someone else? The sad truth is that sometimes, what it takes to make your ex want you, is him thinking you are no longer an option.

Maintain a little mystery during conversations via phone and in person. Don’t give it all away. Maintaining an aura of secrecy can be alluring and make your ex want to spend more time with you. If he pulls back, your impulse may be to push to get him interested again but don’t follow that. Instead, keep yourself busy and find something else to occupy you. Your ex cannot be your life. No man should.

It is also normal for a man to rubberband a bit after a good interaction. If you feel like you got somewhere with him in conversation, but then get radio silence for the next few days, don’t fear. Just give him time and space and let him come back to you.

You really maintain so much more control over the situation if you can make sure to curb your impulses and let him initiate. As an experiment with an ex, I once went a full month without initiating, just to see the results. Sure, we went without talking for a day or two here or there, but we actually ended up talking almost every day – with him beginning every conversation. He wants to chase – he’s biologically built to do it. And you’ll feel better and more confident on your journey if you take a step back and let him chase you, too.

Tying It All Together

As creepy as it sounds, men are biologically built to chase, to hunt. And we, as women, are built to be hunted. Keep in mind that you don’t have to be super sweet and available to a man to chase after you. In fact, feigning disinterest can be a very powerful tool. Hell, in season 6 of Buffy, she is terribly cruel to Spike, but it doesn’t make him love her any less:

Spike: Come on. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you wanna dance.

Buffy: Say it’s true. Say I do want to. It wouldn’t be you, Spike. It would never be you. You’re beneath me.

-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Fool For Love”

Her words hurt him, but he still ends the episode holding her. I’m not saying to be outright cruel to your ex. But don’t be too available. Let him come after you. Engage is some push/pull.

Men don’t want a woman who will make him her world. They want a woman who has a life and other interests outside of him. And you should want that for yourself, too.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

As tempting as it may be to go after your ex boyfriend during the process, take a step back and re-evaluate. Go out with friends, take a bubble bath, focus on work. Essentially, focus on anything that makes your life better and has nothing to do with you rex and I can almost guarantee that your phone will be lighting up with a text from him in no time.

So, now that you are all filled in on what’s going on and how to deal with it, let’s talk about your particular situation. I want to know:

  1. The details surrounding your breakup
  2. What you have done since the breakup
  3. And, after reading this article, what you think your next move should be

Our experts will get back to you and you will discuss what your next best move should be to get your ex back.

What to Read Next

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By Chris Seiter | 0 comments

How To Make Him Want You Back

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119 thoughts on “You Should Let Your Ex Come To You; Here’s Why!”

  1. Avatar

    Qawanna

    May 10, 2020 at 7:49 pm

    Hi I Am brushae and I have been with my boyfriend for 90 Days he was chasing me and I didn’t really like him I gave him a chance he wants me with him everyday.i noticed a couple of times at night he goes in the garage for a hour or upstairs and gets in the bed late with me he Said he is smoking a cigar or doing something upstairs I feel like it’s pornography.7 days ago I walked out of house and he called me the same night I left and I told him I was at home and I have not called him to explain why I left. I was upset because he disappeared upstairs for a hour while we were looking at movie and I was fed up.I have walked out on him before but we would be right back after a couple of days.should I reach out to him to see what he is doing when he goes upstairs or in the garage or just keep waiting

  2. Avatar

    Lindsey

    May 1, 2020 at 7:36 pm

    My ex picked a fight out of nowhere, packed up and left me a week ago. He’s not been in contact at all and blocked me on social media. I feel lost and depressed since he left. I broke down and mailed him a letter yesterday. I want him back but know he needs space right now. I just don’t know how to move forward and if he’s not coming back, feel like I at least deserve some explanation or type of closure.

  3. Avatar

    Melania Pop

    April 28, 2020 at 7:44 am

    Hi, i’ve just read your article and thought i will drop you a line.

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly three years (engaged for just over a year).

    In the current situation, under the lockdown, we live apart. We never lived together, the plan was to move in after our wedding in July this year.

    About a week ago, we had an argument over text messages. For couple of weeks i felt that something has shifted, like he didn’t have the time to speak to me anymore or like he wasn’t really there when he called me. So I’ve mentioned to him after our argument and his response was that for a week or so he felt like something is missing, that we going through the motion. And as we chat he said that he doesn’t know if he still loves me although he would tell me and text me every day that he loved me.

    I was very confused:this is a man who told me every day how much he loved me, that he felt lucky to have had found me (we said to each other), that he never felt this way for anyone before. We had plans to get pregnant in summer after the wedding, hr even picked up our child’s name. During our relationship he was the one contacting more than i would do, texting me every morning, during the day, calling me.

    He started a new job over a month ago which he really enjoys, and told me that filled up a big void in his life.

    So he asked me to give him some time to figure out what’s happening with him. I’ve agreed to it, our last contact was last Wednesday, just a breath text message.

    I don’t want to contact him, and i hope i will stay strong. I just don’t know what to do at the moment. I live on my own and the fact that he hasn’t checked on me to see if im ok, its really hard to comprehend. He is like a total different person.

    I look forward to your thoughts.

    Melania

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 5, 2020 at 9:48 pm

      Hi there Melania, so I would say that if he is asking for space that he is questioning what he wants from the relationship that you need to allow him that time. Where you make it clear you are not sat at home waiting to hear from him. If he then ends the relationship you go into a full NC for 30 days.

  4. Avatar

    Lisa

    April 23, 2020 at 7:56 pm

    Hi,
    My ex dumped me and said he was unsure about the relationship and wasn’t in love. He lives in NYC and I’m in Chicago now. It’s been 3 weeks since we split, we were together for 1 year. The last thing I did was apologise for certain things, told him I loved him and that he should reach out when he’s ready.

    Have I messed this up completely or is there still a chance he could come back? We have gone into no contact for the past week. Reading your post it seems like I screwed this one up by saying all those things in the end. Please reply.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 1, 2020 at 8:13 pm

      Hey Lisa, as long as you are not following a No Contact now and not reaching out and continue to apologise then you are going to be able to be able to work on your Holy Trinity and give it some time before reaching out to your ex again

  5. Avatar

    Ivanoa

    April 19, 2020 at 5:47 pm

    Hello,
    My situation isn’t so much about a. Ex but about a guy I was dating. We been dating for two months, talked every night on face time and text here and there throughout the day. I am not going to lie, but I started acting very needy and insecure. I started double texting him questioning him and at sometimes I would even start an argument for no reason. Eventually this guy had it with me and called it off. We talked on the phone and somehow I persuade you give us another chance. I apologized for my immature behavior and I told him that I’m really not like that, that I’ve been acting off because I tend to get scared due to previous failure relationships. He agreed for us to start fresh. However, he is distant still and I’m not sure how to proceed. Should I wait and let him come to me? I don’t want to suffocate him again. Please advised!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 21, 2020 at 7:39 pm

      Hi Ivanao, yes I would match his word count and effort of texting

  6. Avatar

    Megan

    April 18, 2020 at 3:41 pm

    We have been together for 2,5 years. The last 6 months were long distance because I moved to another country for an internship. He broke up with me in the begging of March over skype. He said he is not sure if he can give me what I want and that we are very different and he felt he does more compromises. Middle of March I flew to him to talk in person and take my things. Then he said that breaking up was my decision and that he accepts me now as a friend even though he said in the last skype that he likes me. I did 30 days no contact and then reached out to him. He answers, however, does not ask anything back. We are now in different countries. Not sure if I should reach out again and try to have a positive conversation with him or try to talk to him because I feel there was a lot of miscommunication between us when breaking up.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 21, 2020 at 8:58 pm

      Hi Megan I would suggest that you keep having small positive talks and picking up the momentum gradually – I also would suggest that you avoid having any emotional conversations just allow it to build up slowly to him investing more into talking to you

  7. Avatar

    Amy

    April 15, 2020 at 6:48 am

    We split 3 weeks agreed to meet for lunch I went to see him he been full on with another woman texts etc and sex sites. Deleted all messages cause I wanted to read them. Now I dont know if I have any trust at all to be together. He says I am the only woman he wants he sorry…..I am confused as to if I can be with someone who moves on within days and now wants me back..hiding texts, calls, what’s he doing on pc. Can I trust him. Messed my head up.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 22, 2020 at 10:00 pm

      Hey Amy, I am sorry but I can not tell you if you can trust him or not all you can do is set boundaries in your relationship so that he is not doing those things if you are not around or behind your back

  8. Avatar

    Neha Verma

    April 14, 2020 at 1:50 pm

    we broke up last week wednesday for no reason.He said he is not able to maintain this relationship with me.
    I am focusing on my work and personality.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 14, 2020 at 9:01 pm

      Hi Neha, thats a good move to focus on yourself, make sure to stick to NC for 30 days minimum

  9. Avatar

    Neha

    April 9, 2020 at 3:11 pm

    Hi Guys,
    That is true,i make my boyfriend was my world and he knew it.he said don’t treat me like god please.
    And he said don’t call me,i do not like spend time on calls,he broke up with me yesterday.
    I will not contact him,i will wait for his text.
    I really want him back in my life i love him so much.
    Please suggest me some good things.
    He said to me,you are perfect girl but i cant give my time to you,i want to be single.i don’t want any relationship,
    It was 3 month old relation only, we had sex n all.Please suggest something for me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 9, 2020 at 9:19 pm

      Hi Neha, so you need to complete your NC for 30 days and then start your texting phase reaching out and having short positive conversations with your ex about things you know he would be interested in talking about. Then you need to work your Holy Trinity and being Ungettable.

  10. Avatar

    Gabby

    April 3, 2020 at 11:38 pm

    December 12th my boyfriend broke up with me after 9 months of being together. His reason was he just wasn’t happy. I wouldn’t say our relationship was toxic. Now looking at it, it was our communication. He also has some things that he was dealing with internally and mentally that I think effected our relationship when we started having problems and I think got to a point for him where he couldn’t take it and didn’t know what to do. I would say that the breakup didn’t end in us fighting or arguing. It was a mature thing and he talked to me and told me that’s what he wanted. I know he still deeply loves me. Since the night of the breakup I went straight to no contact. It has not been an easy thing. It’s been hard but then April 1st he finally reached out to me after 4 months of him not reaching out. April 12th will be officially 4 months since the breakup. But it felt soo good to finally see his name pop up on my phone. He actually called me instead and not txted. I would say I handled it pretty well. He asked how I was doing. He said he knows that he hadn’t reached out to me since everything. He said he wanted to call me and see how I was doing and how I have been. He told me that even though we may not be together that he still wants the best for me and that he wants to see me succeed in everything that I do and he’s routing for me. I had asked him how he was doing. At first he said good and then he said not good. I asked why he says that and he said he didn’t really want to talk about it. Then before we hung up he did say there are things that he’s going through that are complex and he doesn’t want to get into and talk about it but he says he know he will get through it. I said it’s totally fine and I understand. I love him soo much. I would love for us to try again that’s why I am still sticking with no contact and just doing my own thing and making him come to me. I feel like we are meant to be but it was just wrong timing for us. Don’t know when he will reach out again.

  11. Avatar

    Samantha

    March 20, 2020 at 7:43 pm

    Me and my boyfriend were together for 2 months and everything was moving forward in a great way. About a month in he got a promotion he had been working very hard towards and he started working long days and was noticeably stressed. I noticed this and tried to not put any pressure on him from my end and gave him support and space. Fast forward things took a turn within hours from everything was normal to he wanted a break/needed space and time. He said he felt like he has been a horrible boyfriend recently because of how demanding work has been and he wants to give me more but he just can’t at the moment and doesn’t know when. He said he has had this bad feeling in his stomach for not putting 100 % in. He said he has been battling this because he is so happy with me but that he doesn’t want me to slowly resent him because he can’t give me everything he wants to right now. I told him I’m not interested in doing a break, that I don’t want to be in limbo for who knows how long. So we ended up breaking up about two weeks ago and we haven’t spoken since then. I have so much hope that things could work out once things calm down in his life because there’s so much potential for us and I respect his decision. It’s just difficult feeling like I was the thing in his life that had to go when things got tough. He also said he hoped we could still stay friends but I told him I just don’t think I can do that. I just don’t know if once I finish no contact if I should try and be his friend or is it finished?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 28, 2020 at 5:25 pm

      Hi Samantha so if you want him back as a partner then you need to avoid being his friend. You need to complete a No contact and then from there reach out with the texting that Chris suggests. If he was to start dating someone else then I would suggest you look into the being there method but for not just focus on the holy trinity and becoming Ungettable so that your ex regrets losing you

  12. Avatar

    Devin

    March 15, 2020 at 8:26 pm

    Hi there,

    My ex and I broke up 3 days ago and we had been together for 2.5 years. We were genuinely the best of friends, but unfortunately he dealt with past trauma that made intimacy incredibly hard for him. I was unaware of how bad the trauma was until the day of our breakup. He doesn’t tell anyone because it’s a very deep source of shame. We went through several periods of time where he pushed me away, got depressed, and wouldn’t take me out. We tried over and over again, but I continuously pushed and he wanted freedom. He is very unsure about what he wants to do in life (we are both 21) and doesn’t know what his future entails. He knows he wants to be a father one day and a husband, but is definitely no where near ready for that. I am not ready for that either, but would like to know that kind of commitment is possible. We ended things on the terms that he needed to get help with his problems. He promised me he would be back in contact and said he loved me and cared about me more than anyone he ever knew; we decided to not write off a future together. I’m worried that he will think I’m better off without him and won’t reach out again. I know things were tough in the end, but I know that I want him back. I’m scared that because he hasn’t reached out since the breakup it means he won’t. I know that sounds insane, but I don’t want to lose my person

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 26, 2020 at 11:37 pm

      Hi Devin, so once you have completed the No Contact of 30 days you can reach out to your ex, so the worry of not hearing from him you need to put on the backburner for now and focus on yourself. Work the Holy Trinity during your NC

  13. Avatar

    Sonia

    March 12, 2020 at 10:43 pm

    So there’s a whole story abt what happened up till the breakup but Id rather just focus on the present right now. He told my bff that he loves me and respects me so much. But he just didn’t want a relationship anymore. Apparently I made him happy but the relationship didn’t. I Was willing to work for it and still am. We broke up 8 days ago and haven’t contacted each other since. He looks happy when ppl see him and he told my bff that his happiness is not because I’m gone it’s because he’s on his own and that he needed that. He told her I didn’t do anything but I love him so much and I know this can work. When he broke up with me he just said “my feelings aren’t the same” or kept repeating that he just doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He’s a confused guy I know that about him 100%. It takes him time to sort his feelings out. Clearly he’s happy single but still cares for me. What should I do? I want him to realize this is worth it. How do I make him want this again and push his unhappy thoughts of the relationship away? I know in my gut this will work. So please help me make him come back, right now he’s not contacting me because he wants me to be able to get over him, which is scaring me. We dated for almost 2 years and were close friends before that. I want to give this a second chance. We have 3 weeks off school starting next week so i know he won’t be able to hang out with friends much which is what he’s been doing to distract himself. I want a way to make it “click” during this time that we’ll both be apart and alone at home. I know this is worth it. He’s loved me to the fullest and I’ve done the same, we just hurt eachother through poor communication and other small issues and now he doesn’t want it. We’re both almost 19 years old but I seriously love him and want to fix my mistakes and this relationship WITH him. Please help me Chris I’ll owe you everything. Let me know if u need the story before it got to this.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 24, 2020 at 12:43 am

      Hi Sonia, do you know what it was about the relationship that made him unhappy? If so that is where you need to work on, if not then you need to just focus on yourself to become Ungettable and use social media to allow your ex to see the positive changes you are making to your life and that you are not going to be sat at home waiting to hear from him. Sometimes guys get grass is greener syndrome (to be single) and then over time they realise that they actually miss you. So make sure that you work an active no contact and follow the ungettable advice, and try to avoid speaking to your friends about him or having them speak to him about you going forward

  14. Avatar

    Kuma

    March 12, 2020 at 8:19 am

    Hi. My ex is 25 and I am 29. He’s a serious type, knowledgeable and a mature person. We’ve been dating for 6 months. He broke up with me just two weeks ago. Just after breaking up, I pleaded, begged and kept telling we could still revive and even wrote a very long letter just to win him back, He is American and he explained that one of the things contributed on our break up was it would be hard for him to deal about my shyness and that I was often fixated and worries about things much ,cares about what people may think. He said, he appreciates all my good qualities and I am a really a good friend, so he said we can still remain friends and no need to have hard feelings between us.
    I still tried to ask him if maybe I just need improvement and I asked him to be patient and give me a chance to work through my weaknesses gradually, but he said, he demands compatibility and that’s normal for Americans in marriage life.
    I was confused because we have different point of views regarding this matter. As for me, I could be patient and accept his weaknesses as long as it wasn’t alarming because LOVE is how I feel but he just dumped because mainly about my stubborn shyness and lack of confidence. I just thought this could improve later on and just needed his encouragement and wanted him to understand me well. It’s just for me it wasn’t still a valid reason for break up as we had many good memories together to keep our relationship continue. Other things I suspected why we broke up is maybe it is hard for him to find a new job as it gets him down, he’s currently having part time job as his company just recently lessen their hours or work. He gets down thinking about future responsibilities because of this. He is responsible in saving up money though. We even talked about plans and considered marriage. Now that we broke up, we still talk from time to time but often just casual things and if it is about feelings and he said, he has moved on and I do feel he is not interested to be with me anymore but then yesterday, I deactivated my fb and IG account and hr sent me message, if everything is ok, I replied: “yes” and didn’t get any response anymore after that.
    I love him and I am afraid to lose him as I know he has many good qualities and hard to find a guy like him. I know that I have to follow the NC rules but I am afraid, he would just remain firm on his decision:(

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 26, 2020 at 11:30 pm

      Hi Kuma, so you need to work on the holy trinity and show him what he has lost. Everyone feels the fear that they wont change their mind but if you follow the program you are giving yourself your best chance of getting your ex back

  15. Avatar

    Lissa

    March 8, 2020 at 5:03 pm

    I have been with my ex for 3 years. I’m 20 and he is 18 so we’re still young but at he beginning of changing into the adult world. We started having problems a month ago where I felt like he wasn’t that interested off and on. Some days he was totally lovey dovey and others he was distant. Hes been wanting to focus on school which is fine but he also seems to have had plenty of time for his homies and not any for me. He’s cancelled plans on me twice and when I went to confront him about it not in the most healthy way he ended up telling me he was just done. That he didn’t want me on his plate anymore and that he lost interest because I was to jealous about everything. But we have gone through periods like this before we had broken up for 9 months and then had gotten back together for the past 3 years. We say we’re going to break up but then work it out and we don’t. This time seemed more serious considering that his mom was there and everyone sort of said goodbye like it was real. But I don’t know if thats really what he wanted or if he was just mad. Should I ask him or what should I do. What do you think

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 13, 2020 at 12:04 am

      Hi Lissa, so you go into a No Contact and stick to it for 30 days and then reach out with a text that Chris suggests

  16. Avatar

    Marie

    February 27, 2020 at 1:29 am

    I dated a guy 4 years younger than me, I’m 31, for only 2 months. And he broke up with me through a text Message saying, “we are on different pages and at different places in our life”. Obviously sad about this, because I won’t lie, I felt him pulling away and even though I know better I kept pushing him instead of giving him space. Since we “broke up” I haven’t contacted him, been hanging out with old friends, keeping busy at work, distracting myself with dates here and there. I feel better but still sad at the WAY things ended. I wasn’t perfect the way I reacted to things with him, but it was also the way he was acting that made me that way. After reading this article I’m going to continue with the no contact, continue to talk to my friends and mom about how I feel and keep it open, and also write down anything I’m feeling, it all helps! Also, I do mediation before bed every night! I don’t think he’s coming back ever because I’m he’s already made up his decision, he doesn’t want to settle down.

  17. Avatar

    Valerie Shoif

    February 24, 2020 at 3:42 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me 5 days ago. We were together for 5 months, and everything was great. He expressed so much interest, he planned adorable dates, he talked about plans for our future together. We met at the gym that he works at, and we both had crushes on each other for months without knowing. So when things finally got going, it was like a dream come true for both of us. I think it’s important to note that he is 22, and I am 4 years older so we are at different stage in our lives, which I took into consideration from the very start and tried to tread with caution, but I fell quickly anyways because he is unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I was sure he was it for me. But of course, he hit me with the “I’m not ready, I need to figure out what I want in life and I just can’t dedicate enough time to this relationship”. I’m heartbroken, but I do understand. I haven’t reached out, even though I want to, but we did run into each other at the gym and had a very brief conversation and I went on my way. When we were breaking up, he told me he didn’t want to label this a break up, and he didn’t want to lose me and I think he meant it. But he hasn’t reached out, and when we saw each other it was tense and awkward. I have trust issues, he’s aware of this, and now I’m really angry because it seems as though he was very dishonest with me about what he wanted, during our relationship and his expectations for what we’d be after. I don’t know what to do from here, I’ve kept up No Contact but I’m scared that he’s never going to reach out to me and I have so many thoughts and feelings I want to share with him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 3, 2020 at 10:35 pm

      Hey, so with No contact you are supposed to reach out to your ex after 21/30/45 days. With a text that Chris suggests. Read the articles on this website to understand what a real No Contact is and then about the Holy trinity

  18. Avatar

    Jae

    February 24, 2020 at 2:20 pm

    My ex and I only dated for 2 months. When we met, it was like magic, and love at first sight. Seemed like we’ve known each other for forever. But, I have a personality disorder which made me feel like I’m not good for him and often compared myself to his exes. He understood my condition for a while but then he started to get cold. He told me he still wants to be a part of my life but better off be friends. Relationship-wise, no,.. but there might be a possibility in the future.
    I love him, I really do. 2 days after the break up, I texted him and reminded him how we met and fell in love. Didn’t get a text back, and never contacted him after that.
    A week after, he texted me if I wanted my clothes and he can drop it off on his way to the gym. I’m being torn with lots of choices.
    I want him back. What should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 3, 2020 at 10:34 pm

      Hi Jae, so you can get your things back with out it being “over” for good. You want your things then agree for him to drop them off and continue with the No Contact rule where you are working on your holy trinity during that time.

  19. Avatar

    J

    February 21, 2020 at 7:57 pm

    My ex broke up with me a month ago. We lived together but I stayed out of his way. When he broke up with me he was so drunk.
    I moved into my own flat which is lovely.
    I’ve done no contact for a month.
    He then text me a week ago to see how I was. I sent a polite message to say I am fine then he text immediately to say I am glad you’re Okay..x

    Then back to no contact. I had to contact him yesterday to ask him to post something I had left at his. Again he text immediately no kisses this time. Back to no contact. Is this all right?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 22, 2020 at 11:40 pm

      Hi J so No contact you shouldn’t be replying when they want to know how you are doing – you ignore those messages. Asking for something you left behind when you moved out is okay. So add some more time to you No Contact before you reach out to him with a text that Chris suggests sending

  20. Avatar

    Bridget

    February 5, 2020 at 10:06 pm

    We only dated for 3 months, but I still want him back. There’s definitely something there. I can feel it, and I know he feels it, too.

    We are both mid-40s. He’s a divorced father of one, and I’ve never been married (nor have kids).

    I ran into him the other night after 3.5 months of no contact. Truth be told, he works with my sister (but my sister is currently in another office in another state, and she was visiting this past weekend).

    He was with a bachelor party (very tame), and I think my sister told him we’d be at this particular restaurant. He knew I was there because his friends told me. Apparently he debriefed the men before they arrived.

    He was very nice. Came over to us and said hello (he gave hugs). He lingered a little bit but then went back to his crew.

    10-15 minutes later, one of his friends came over and started talking to us, and then he came back over. This time, he hung back until everyone (around me) was gone. I guess he wanted to talk? I don’t really know because it didn’t happen. I asked him some questions, and he answered. He didn’t ask anything about me. Not one thing, which annoyed me (but he wasn’t very inquisitive while we were dating). He then wanted us (my group) to just join his group (the other side of the restaurant).

    He was loud and boisterous, and the entire group was, well, testosterone-y. I mean, it was a bachelor party; no one is surprised. He draped his arm around my sister a few times. Can’t tell if he was just being friendly or trying to make me a little jealous. He moved me out the way at one point, pushing my back into the circle.

    His friends were VERY curious. “Will you get back with him? What would he have to do differently? You’re very pretty!”

    It was time to go, and I closed my tab. I wasn’t drinking, FYI. He came over to me, put his hand on my back, and said, “I really wanted to talk to you but everyone was always around.” I told him that was fine. I actually left pretty quickly after that exchange. I hugged him (and kissed him on the cheek) goodbye. And that was that.

    So, now, of course, I really want him to reach out and “talk to me” like he said he wanted to. That was 4 days ago.

    I definitely would like to try again with him. My gut is telling me he wants to, too. Truly. I don’t know if that’s wishful thinking or not. I’m very consumed by it all, but I’m also trying to remain positive and not drive myself crazy. I intend to wait for him to reach out to me. 100%. I just really hope he does. My hope is high. There’s something very different about this one, and I want to explore a relationship.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 8, 2020 at 6:58 pm

      Hi Bridget so I think his friends were fishing for information and I do think its opened a window for communication between you both, but I agree that you do not reach out to him first as of YET. I would leave it around 10 days, if you have not heard from him by then, send a funny text, or something that you know he would be interested in. Sometimes they need a nudge to make contact

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