You don’t need to chase after your ex or jump through ten different hoops to get them back; instead, you should let them come back to you.
I know it sounds great, sure; who wouldn’t want an ex to come back to them on their own, but how realistic is that?
Well, it’s as realistic as you make it.
Today we’re going to take you through the tried-and-tested reasons why our success stories swear by letting your ex come back to you.
Why You Should Let Your Ex Come To You
Over the years, we’ve interviewed several success stories – people who went through our program and got their exes back – to gauge what actually works versus what sounds good in theory but doesn’t work in real life.
Perhaps the most consistent and interesting theme across all our success stories is:
People who get over their exes seem to have a much better chance of success.
That’s right; you need to let your ex go if you want them back.
Let’s see this in action with the Backwards law.
The Backwards Law
The backwards law proposes that the more we pursue something, the more we achieve the opposite of what we truly want and the more disappointed we ultimately feel.
Simply put – the harder we try, the less likely we’ll succeed.
On the flip side, when we stop trying, we’ll achieve what we want.
Now this is a controversial idea because it goes against everything we believe. We were all raised to think that we need to put all our efforts into something to succeed, whether that’s good grades in school or promotions at work. For example, you can’t go into a weight loss endeavor with a mentality of “the more I try, the more I’ll fail, so I might as well do nothing” because that is not how the backwards law works.
Sure, it can be applied to getting an ex back in its original meaning if we consider that desperately acting to get an ex back by blowing up their phone will probably blow up in your face, and you will fail.
However, there’s a lot more nuance to the backwards law. That’s why I came up with my own interpretation of the backwards law that’s a bit different from the official definition.
My take on the backwards law – the more we seek, the less we find.
Let me elaborate – most of the time, when you approach a goal with blinders on, you blind yourself to all of the other potential possibilities. As a result of your blinders, you may miss something that could’ve helped you achieve your goals, or you may even miss a much better goal post.
Think back to the weight loss example – if you give everything to losing weight, you may lose the weight but realize you forgot to work on your self-image in the meantime. So even if you’ve lost weight, you may not feel as great as you thought you would.
The Backwards Law And Getting An Ex Back
In the context of breakups and getting exes back, closing yourself off to other options and opportunities in life by hyper-focusing on your ex is a disservice to yourself and your overall goal.
People who are successful at getting their ex back seem to be the ones that take the opposite approach of what you would expect. They don’t approach getting their ex back with blinders on; they approach getting their ex back by trying to get over their ex and opening themselves up to all of the different opportunities out there.
Often, people with this blinder approach to getting an ex back always want to push the boundaries of what’s acceptable. They’re the ones always reaching out first, chasing their ex, showing up at their ex’s doorstep, etc.
Now compare that to someone with a confident “I’m not going to try too hard, let the chips fall where they may” approach. If you were someone’s ex, would you chase them if they’re already chasing and annoying you, or would you chase them if they were mysterious? That takes us into another crucial element of getting your ex to come back to you – becoming Ungettable.
The Ungettable Person
I’ve coined this concept of becoming Ungettable in the journey of getting your ex back.
The Ungettable mindset stems from the idea of an Ungettable girl, so most women run with it. That’s not to say men can’t be Ungettable – they totally can! I’m just talking directly to females here since I’ve written a whole book on this concept, but most of the mindset changes can be applied to men as well.
Now, most people’s initial thought when they hear “the Ungettable girl” is someone hard/impossible to get, but there’s so much more to it than that.
An Ungettable person is a LOT of different things, so I decided to ask my Private Facebook support group about their definitions of an Ungettable person, and here are some of their responses:
- Someone impossible to get (the obvious one, of course),
- Someone who is extremely confident in themselves and deals with the world as it comes,
- Someone who has the exact witty thing to say at the exact moment.
A lot of the responses had one thing in common: An Ungettable Person looks inwards and does not seek approval from others. Their self-worth is not dependent on how much others want them; instead, it’s all about being the best possible version of themselves.
I’ve always viewed someone who’s Ungettable like an ancient samurai. I know this is a weird analogy but before I lose you, let’s look at the fundamental belief of samurais –
Ancient samurais led their lives with the pursuit of perfection. They knew perfection was a journey and not an ultimate achievable destination, so they spent every day trying to get as close to perfection as possible. Their days were filled with self-reflection and self-improvement to become the best possible version of themselves.
That level of introspection and desire to better oneself is one of the hallmarks of an Ungettable person. Most Ungettable people value themselves much higher than they value other men or women, and that is a very attractive quality in itself.
So how do you get that kind of swagger? How do you become that Ungettable person? Ultimately we all want to be Unforgettable people who are SO confident and secure with ourselves that we put out subconscious vibes that attract other individuals to us.
A lot of people confuse being Ungettable with being physically attractive. Now don’t get me wrong – I do believe that looks are a large part of the attraction in relationships. Anyone who says looks don’t matter is just trying to be politically correct because looks can’t be entirely ignored.
The truth is looks do matter but not as much as you think because someone who’s truly Ungettable won’t care about how they look. They’ll value and improve all the areas of their lives that are not about looks. In turn, that makes them more attractive to others.
Another aspect of being Ungettable and comfortable in your skin is not comparing yourself to others. My wife and I recently watched one of those HGTV kinds of shows where each contestant gets a budget to re-design a house a certain way. We loved seeing how the designers acted because everyone but one designer tried to spy on others.
Everyone was interested in what’s happening in other people’s projects, but this person only cared about doing their best, regardless of the others. They were so engrossed in their renovations that they had no time or interest to peek at everyone else.
That is the essence of being Ungettable – not caring about what others think or do as long as you’re doing your best. Ungettable people are contrary when everyone else is pushing for conformity because it takes a certain level of confidence to go against the majority.
Now, if you want a guy to chase you, you need to become Ungettable, and the only way to become this is to understand and adopt a secure attachment style.
Key to Becoming Ungettable – Secure Attachment Style
I’ve spoken at great lengths about attachment styles throughout my website and YouTube channel because understanding different attachment styles is the key to successful relationships. Here’s a quick overview of the 4 main attachment styles:
- Anxious attachment: The kind of person who blows up their exes phone after a breakup and acts incredibly insecure/anxious because their self-worth is inextricably tied to their ex.
- Avoidant attachment: The kind of person who avoids emotional intimacy and vulnerability and tries to ignore their ex by distracting themselves with a string of rebound relationships.
- Fearful attachment: A rare combination of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles, someone whose emotional pendulum swings back and forth so you can never guess their next move.
- Secure attachment: The holy grail of attachment styles: the kind of person who is not overly bothered with whether their ex comes back because they know their worth, regardless of their relationship status.
Let’s focus on secure attachment styles because that’s the ideal everyone should strive towards. A single adjective consistently comes to mind when I think of secure attachment styles – Fortitude.
Everyone thinks that someone with a secure style, someone who’s Ungettable, isn’t allowed to feel sad or rejected when a guy breaks up with them, and that’s simply not true. They do feel sad; they just don’t let that sadness define them. They have the fortitude and emotional control to know that while the breakup hurts now, it will get better.
Many of our clients have anxious tendencies, and the thought of “accepting” the breakup is a huge struggle for them because they always want to fix things ASAP as if the breakup never happened.
Our biggest advice to them is to learn from all the success stories that came before them:
Having the ability to let go of your ex and be okay with it is the key to a secure attachment style.
It’s not like our success stories didn’t want to get their exes back; they did at some point. They just eventually started working on themselves and realized that they’ll be okay whether their ex comes back or not. This kind of fortitude and self-confidence cannot be faked.
You have to earn the truth that will set you free.
It’s not enough to say you are secure and okay with losing your ex; you have to truly believe and embody it. You have to consciously work on yourself and earn a secure attachment style.
The only way your ex will chase you is if you display the mentality of being okay with losing your ex forever.
You see, when you accept that worst possible outcome, you start putting out confident vibes that your ex (and others) will pick up on. This is especially relevant if you go from an anxious to secure attachment style because it’ll leave your ex guessing how you got over them!
I know what you’re thinking: this is all too basic high-level stuff. Well, that’s true. But the high-level paradigm shift is the single most crucial aspect of getting your ex back.
You are welcome to explore our website and learn about our techniques of getting an ex back, such as the no-contact rule and the value ladder/chain.
But none of that will truly help you until you adopt a secure attachment style. You can do all the right things with the wrong mindset and end up failing on this journey so it’s crucial to work on your attachment style first.