There will be people who will have trouble understanding your decisions. There will be people who will listen to you go on and on and on about your breakup and get fed up with the talking. It happens. There will be people who tell you to forget your ex or that he’s not worth it.
Who knows? They might all be right.
But the truth is that you have to do what is best for you.
And if people care about you, even if you are driving them crazy, they take your best interest to heart and they support you.
I’ve talked about it before in other articles, but I wear two rings at all times just to remind myself that I need to remember to make choices that are in my best interest. I mean I tend to take care of other people constantly, so I kinda need a reminder sometimes.
So, If there are people who can’t support you in making decisions in your best interest, then it is time to give yourself a little space from those people. You need to make YOU your priority while you go through this.
It is important to stay positive throughout the process because it is so easy to go into a spiral. A fact that I am sure you already know.
So, when someone starts being negative with you,
…whether it’s family, a friend, or your hairdresser…
If they are holding you back you are going to tell them the following…
“Look, I know that you are trying to help, but I really need to keep a positive outlook. So, I need you to support my decisions or at least not stand in the way of them. Otherwise, I am going to ask you to give me some space until I get through this.”
And don’t just start doing this with everyone who disagrees with you. There is a difference between being negative and being realistic.
Take it from me, I tell people things they don’t want to hear every single day and there is a reason that they don’t push me away. I don’t let my opinion cloud my judgment and my friends and family know that. Even if I absolutely dislike a friend’s boyfriend, but he loves her and makes her happy, I will help her patch things up with him, because it is their lives. I won’t keep telling her to dump him because he ALWAYS has onion breath… always!
So, if you have a friend that you know doesn’t let their opinions get in the way of reason, and they are telling you that it’s a bad idea… those are the people you listen to even when you don’t really like what they have to say.
But you can tell your mom to mind your own business if she is trying to set you up with all of her friends’ grandsons.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizLearn How to Stand Up for Yourself
I talk to a lot of women… every day… all day…
And most of the time, they let the men in their lives steer the direction that their life or relationship is going. And I find myself fighting the urge to ask them…
“Why?”
“Why would you get in the car with someone who doesn’t have your best interest at heart when you could be the one driving?”
You don’t have a driver’s license? You get one?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizYou’re to short to reach the pedals? You get a car with hand controls.
It’s your life, you should have a say in the direction it goes. The reason you haven’t stood up for yourself doesn’t really matter. You just have to decide to do it.
The only situation I don’t suggest it is if your ex or current partner was physically abusive.
So, let’s talk about the how.
But first… you need to decide that you are ready to make your life your own.
Have you decided?
I’m going to assume you just said yes.
So, you have to teach the people in your life how to treat you, what’s acceptable. You get what you tolerate.
You see you’ve already taught everyone that treating you poorly was acceptable in the past. In order to change that, you have to earn their respect by taking control of your life.
Don’t wallow in a state of the “poor me’s.”
Work at building an Ungettable Girl Life. And when someone treats you poorly, you say,
“Hey! I don’t deserve that.”
or
“Hey! I deserve better than this.”
So, the way that you do this is to recognize those thoughts of self-pity. They’re along the lines of,
“Why do these things always happen to me?”
When you recognize thoughts like these sneaking in, you need to shut them out and tell yourself,
“Hey, I deserve more!”
Once you master your own mind and how you see yourself, you won’t tolerate anyone else treating you without respect.
When they do, you should speak clearly and with authority. (That means no crying or begging.)
So, with a strong, solid voice say,
“Excuse me, I don’t deserve to be treated this way. If you intend to continue being a part of my life, you will treat me with respect or you will no longer be a part of my life. Is that understood?”
If they say anything other than yes, you interrupt them and say,
“No, this is non-negotiable. You’re either in, or you’re out. It’s up to you.”
You’d be surprised how effective this is. Fill your life with people who respect and support your decisions. And distance yourself from those that don’t.
What are You Made of
Feeling like crap is completely normal after a breakup, but if you are hanging out in your sweats eating Cheetos and pizza, and binge-watching Netflix then you are NOT doing yourself any favors.
Pay Attention to What You Put in Your Body
Your body can only create energy from what it has access to. If you fill it with crap, then you’ll feel like crap. If you eat better, then your body will supply you with clean energy and you will feel better.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizMake taking care of yourself a priority.
It’s important.
You can’t muster confidence when you feel like a slug.
Hydrate too. Most people don’t drink enough water to begin with. However, the body uses water to flush out toxins and to get the proper amount of oxygen to the brain. Your brain can’t function without oxygen. The rest of your body can’t function without your brain… So, it’s kind of a big deal.
BCAA’s are like my secret weapon. It’s short for Branched-Chain Amino Acids.
They can be found in foods that contain protein, like chicken, beef, salmon, eggs, and whey protein. Personally, I prefer to drink mine. I prefer these…
They have good flavors.
- They are great for lots of things and are used primarily by athletes.
- They help with recovery time after a workout.
- They are a good source of clean energy.
- They help sustain muscle cells.
- They help cut down on body fat.
It’s like drinking an energy without all the bad stuff that is bad for you mixed in.
Not to mention, if you hit the gym, it’ll help speed along the results.
Just an idea.
I suppose it’s kind of a “You are what you eat, situation.”
It’s just a factor that plays into the way that you feel. AND it’s something you have control over.
How You Appear
The Power of Makeup
My grandmother used to give me a sort-of blessing that always ended with,
“…may you be able to stop a man in his tracks and your eyeliner be sharp enough to kill a man.”
She was kind of awesome. She had a point though.
Putting effort into the way you look changes the way you feel about yourself. You walk differently, you talk differently, and people treat you differently.
Random Beauty Tip: If you are suffering from bags under your eyes, you can make a cup of green tea and chill the teabags in the fridge and place them over your eyes. Not only is it relaxing, the caffeine shrinks the blood vessels around your eye and reduces puffiness and dark circles. I like to keep my eye cream in the fridge too.
Power Outfit
That’s right! It is time to ditch the sweats!
You know that whole “dress for the job you want?” thing?
Well, now I am telling you is to dress for the life you want.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIf you are reading this I am going to assume that you are tired of feeling like crap. So, let’s change that, okay?
Everyone has that one outfit that makes them feel invincible.
And if you don’t have something that makes you feel that way, it might be time for a wardrobe update.
- Take a shower.
- Do your hair.
- Put on the makeup and some heels that won’t quit.
Do Something! It’s Science.
Get up and go do something. Anything positive.
Go for a run or even a walk. Go! Have dinner with a friend and talk about ANYTHING except your ex.
Remember… positive.
Do anything that takes your mind off your breakup and makes you feel alive.
Newton had three law’s regarding motion.
First law: In an inertial frame of reference, an object either remains at rest or continues to move at a constant velocity, unless acted upon by a force.
Second law: In an inertial reference frame, the vector sum of the forces F on an object is equal to the mass m of that object multiplied by the acceleration a of the object: F = ma. It is assumed here that the mass m is constant. (Don’t worry I’ll say that in English in a second.)
Third law: When one body exerts a force on a second body, the second body simultaneously exerts a force equal in magnitude and opposite in direction on the first body.
I know. I know. it’s science-y.
But bear with me.
Right now, I understand having some trouble making a move or taking that first step. You are thinking of every possible reason that you should just stay were you are.
Believe it or not, his three laws can be rewritten to be less science-y and more suitable. They can be transferred into a way of thinking.
- If you don’t find the proper motivation, something that drives you, then nothing will change. ( A ball doesn’t roll until it is pushed)
- The distance, or amount of change, depends on how powerful that motivation is. The motivation you find has to be more powerful than the weight of your loss that is keeping you still.
- If you work against your own motivation, it will get further away. Fear has a way of making us push against the forces that drive us forward.
This last one is hard to put into words. This should make it easier.
So, get up, do the things I’ve laid out in this article. And the more you move forward, the easier it will get.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizGo For Small Wins at First
Confidence comes from believing that you can do something. Up until this point, the general idea is to get out of the after-breakup rut that I’m guessing brought you to this article in the first place.
But this… this is about setting small goals up and knocking them down.
Getting up and getting outside of what has become your after-breakup norm is one of those goals. Knock that down and you are on your way.
I prefer to hold myself accountable.
To do this you could set up a habit tracker… I like this one from allaboutthehouseprintablesblog.com
Although there are plenty of other versions on Pinterest.
You only have to set a few habits and stick with them.
You can also make it more likely if you make it WORTH something.
Join a gym or a group that you have to pay for.
I’ve found that when you pay to join something, like a gym, you tend to care more about actually attending.
Once you start seeing the results or see that you have a streak going, it makes it easier to keep it up.
Instead of setting a goal of losing 15 lbs, you can make a small goal of going to the gym 3 times a week for a whole month.
Going three times that first week is a small win. The second week is another small win. Going for a full month is a slightly bigger win.
Before you know it you start SEEING results in your appearance, the way you feel, and the way your clothes fit.
Then you can start setting bigger goals.
Well, what are you waiting for?
GET GOING!
Na
January 26, 2018 at 3:01 pm
i have an urgent situation please assist me,
My ex broke up with me two months back i applied no contact rule we are working together and few days back i hear from his friends that he was crying and he is missing me i sent to him text that i remember this movie that we saw together he replied that he misses me we have talked twice at work he told me that he still missing me and loves me but he can’t be in a relationship we arranged a date to talk then he canceled our date and text me that he promises he will make me happy t… unfortunately i rushed my feelings and he text me that he can’t be in a relationship i was so angry and said that i don’t want him back and to forget me .. he read my messages with no reply .. We have talked 2days back he said that he is confused sometimes he feels he is in love with me sometimes he feels that he doesn’t want me back Ana. He knows that i’m so beautiful and any man would like to be with me but he can’t be with me as he isn’t sure of his feelings and he is afraid to leave me again.. I feel that he likes a girl with us in work I feel pain in my heart that if he. Entered this relationship and be with her every day infront of me please help me i’m dying inside
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 29, 2018 at 12:00 pm
Hi Nada,
check this one:
My Ex Boyfriend Says He Misses Me But Doesn’t Want To Get Back Together
Riri
November 27, 2017 at 10:58 am
Hi Amor,
Thankyou for your last response below.
Just to refresh your memory incase you forgot my situation, he had been reaching out to me leaving me messages for several years, and although I was still healing from him marrying behind my back, I can’t help but think if he had regrets for the way he treated me. I don’t know what his intentions were to keep asking for my number, as all he kept saying was.. “How are you? ” “What’s your number? “… ” Don’t you want to talk? “.. I gave him a hard time giving my number when I decided to be active on LinkedIn (as that’s the only platform he uses before he blocked me) due to me not giving my number, he must have felt rejected.
Anyhow, after a NC for 21 days I sent him an email reminding him that I still have his email after all these years, and left my number with it. It will be almost a month this week and he still hasn’t responded. I don’t know if he got it, or whether if it went in his clutter/or junk mail as my mail tends to go there at times. I don’t know what to think? The only other way I can reach him is by contacting his work place, since he had the info of his work place on LinkedIn. I can’t ask any third parties about his current marital status, but to ask him directly, but how do I break the ice with him again? I’m at a loss and so confused.. Please help and any suggestions on how to build rapport again, what to talk about and what not to talk about?
By the way I just want to say how much of a brilliant job you all at the EBR team are doing, I love this site sooo much and the articles by Chris and Ashley are so entertaining. You guys rock!
Looking forward to your response Amor! Thanks for your time. 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 28, 2017 at 2:03 pm
Hi Riri,
Honestly, if I was in your position, he wouldn’t even have gotten anything out from me unless I know why he’s contacting me because for all I know he’s still married.. and him going around that topic and now not answering just confirms he still thinks of you the same way he does before.. You shouldn’t even feel bad if he feels rejected by you.. he should be.. Because after what happened the first thing he owes me is a sincere apology.. and if he wants to talk to me again, the first condition is if he’s divorced, if he is, he would do a lot of effort to get my trust back again before we can be at least casual friends.. If not, it has to be about anything else than being friends because I will not make his wife feel the same betrayal I felt before, by him talking to me..
You should move on.. if he is serious about you.. by now, he knows that the first step is apologizing and clearing up his current situation.. The following steps will be a lot of effort from him.. if he doesn’t want that, it’s not your loss.
Michaela
November 9, 2017 at 11:03 am
Hi, I am heartbroken. My ex broke up with me in march and then contacted me and begged for me back. I agreed but gave him a hard time first. We got back together, he improved in some ways but many of our old problems resurfaced. He broke up with me again about a month ago. But contacted me yesterday saying he wants to see me. Of course I was excited and replied a while later. Turns out he “loves me” and wants a to still hangout and have sex. Ha! I told him I am not interested. What should I do now?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 12, 2017 at 8:39 pm
Hi Michaela,
check this one:
My Ex Boyfriend Wants To Sleep With Me… Should I?
Riri
November 5, 2017 at 11:43 am
Hello, sorry for replying here but was having problems posting on the above article. I’m trying to find out what chapter he’s at in his life with your aid..
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 6, 2017 at 12:53 pm
You have to ask him or make sure in another way if he’s married first. Because if he married behind your back, it’s not impossible that he thinks he can still fool you..he didn’t even apologize or explained his current situation in the past years..
Amy
November 1, 2017 at 8:50 am
Ashley
You write the best articles! Loved it!
I feel great after I read one of your articles!
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 1, 2017 at 4:50 pm
Yes, you should be moving on without moving on because that helps in push pull… Push pull means you make him interested because you’re amazing or you’re fun to talk with but you’re indifferent and not always available…
Rosie
October 23, 2017 at 3:33 pm
Hello to the whole EBR team. I’ve already asked for advice once but I think I did sth wrong and my comment wasn’t posted. I’m sorry this is going to be a really long one, but I’m just really worn out and lost. I don’t know what’s important to the story and what’s not so I’m just gonna try to briefly describe the whole 4 years of my and my ex’es relationship.
I am 24 and he is 22. We met 4 years ago and were best friends ever since. It was even more miraculous that we live in countries that are thousands of miles apart. We met during a camp and he kissed me the evening he was leaving, but then told me we won’t work out because of the distance and so we stayed friends, even tho I loved him through all of the time. 2 years later I visited him. He couldn’t resist me and so we decided to give this relationship a try, even tho we kept it hidden. I left and we continued being long distance for 4 months. Then he drifted away, finally telling me he doesn’t feel in love anymore and he broke up with me. We didn’t have any contact for 2 months, then he hit me up with the talk about the beautiful friendship we had and how it would be a shame to waste it. 3 months later I managed to reattract him and he asked me to be his gf again. So I visited again, because he couldn’t leave the country due to the political situation in his country. This time we were official, we told his friends and family. They, especially his mother, were against it. We procceeded to be a couple tho. Then I found out he kept in touch with a girl he used to be in ‘friends with benefits’ relationship with during the 2 years of us being ‘just friends’. He was telling her things like how important for him she is and how much he cares to keep her in his life, even tho he promised me the two of them don’t keep in touch anymore. I also lost my virginity with him, thinking he is a virgin too, because he hid their relationship from me and he told me it’s a first time for him too. I felt betrayed and wanted to leave him. But he cried and begged me to stay, promising he won’t do it again and that he would die without me. My heart broke at the sight and I agreed to stay. But nothing was the same ever since, I was jealous and controlling. He was lying to me from time to time, his family didn’t accept me, he wasn’t sure if he is ready to leave the country for me. We were fighting more and more often and the situation was driving me more and more crazy. Finally he met a girl who lived near him, and so he started to text her good morning or taking her to restaurants. He was giving her more attention than he was giving to me, while lying to me he’s not talking to her at all because he knew it’s cheating by my definition. Basically I treated him like he is doing everything wrong for the last 6 months of our relationship and he was treating me like a gnat. Finally he told me he’s sick of this relationship, he wouldn’t leave with me anyway, that he doesn’t feel anything for me anymore and he doesn’t want to stop contacting this girl. I wanted to fix my mistakes but he said it is too late, that we aren’t meant for each other. And that he doesn’t want to fix the mistakes he made. He said we always try to fix things but it all turns to shit eventually and that we should go our separate ways. He said we could be friends tho. I said as long as he keeps in touch with that girl, I don’t wanna know him because I’m not gonna stand by and watch their relationship blossom. He said it’s my choice and it was a goodbye. Then he just texted me best wishes before my master’s defending. I just said thanks and he wanted to continue the conversation but I didn’t reply, I felt too hurt. Then I texted him happy birthday and he also only answered with thanks, without any further conversation. That was a month ago and none of us reached out. I am so confused because he basically goes from telling me that I’m the love of his life to telling me I don’t mean anything to him every few months. Idk if it’s because we are long distance or if he is just an immature womanizer. I don’t know if getting him back makes any sense or if he is just no good for me. And even if it does, Idk if a month of NC is enough because it was like the worst breakup in history with me going crazy and us offending each other. Maybe I should wait 2 or 3 months? What should be my approach? Help me!
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 23, 2017 at 11:57 pm
Hi Rosie,
Restart nc, do at least 45 days, be active in improving yourself and in posting in social media sites where posts lasts and then initiate contact after it..check this one too:
Do You Have The Same Values As Your Ex? (With Chase Kosterlitz)
TJ
October 19, 2017 at 11:36 pm
Thank you so much for the very practical advice!! This makes me feel better. After my ex broke up with me and told me he’s not attracted to me, I have been the lowest. I would look myself in the mirror and feel like a complete piece of trash. The night before we broke up, I was naked in front of him and he wouldn’t even look at me. If the person you trust and love the most decided you are garbage and threw you away, it must mean it’s true right? I was ashamed of my face, my body and my whole self. I don’t know how to pull myself up. I still feel like this sometimes now but I can feel myself improving slowly day by day. So… I guess what I wanted to say is that for everyone who’s going through this, it will get better. You are still beautiful, you are just not showing it. You will make a come back and show everyone how beautiful you were and am and will be.