There is something that I want to show you.
I am actually in the process of rewriting my most popular book, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO and in the process of writing it I actually came up with a new overall strategy that you should follow if you want to successfully get your ex boyfriend back.
Now, some of you who are familiar with my work know that I like making graphics to demonstrate things and it just so happens that for this new strategy that I came up with to get an ex back I created an infographic.
So, I am going to give you a quick glimpse of the into an infographic that I created with the intention of being available for only paying members,
(Psst… don’t tell on me.)
Pretty cool, huh?
Now, throughout the history of Ex Boyfriend Recovery I feel that I have done a phenomenal job of covering the following aspects of the “get your ex back” process,
But if I had to pick the one major weakness of this website it’s the fact that I don’t spend a lot of time talking about what to do when you come face to face with an ex. Now, it’s not that I don’t know how to advise people when they advance this far into the process it’s just that I felt that it was important that paying members had something extra.
Of course, since I am rewriting Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO and I see how much more is getting added to it I feel comfortable diving in to a topic that I have never covered before on this website.
The rules of going on a date with your ex!
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One Thing I Want To Make Clear Before We Get Started
What I am going to talk about on this page is very advanced stuff.
In other words, if you don’t know the basics for getting an ex boyfriend back then this is definitely not the place where you should start.
Hmm…
Maybe, I should give you a quick crash course.
Ok, I think I am going to use my newly made infographic again to explain.
First things first, there is a very specific strategy that I teach to women who want to get an ex back. Now, some of the more observant people may have already noticed that the entire strategy is essentially summed up in the infographic above.
Let’s talk a little about the infographic first.
There are four basic levels to my strategy.
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And within each of those levels are two stages.
This entire page focuses on level 4. Basically how to handle every important in person interaction you will be having with your ex boyfriend. But just because that’s all this page focuses on doesn’t mean that you can ignore levels 1 – 3.
In fact, I would say that one of the biggest mistakes that I see people making is moving too fast too soon.
I actually talked about that in my latest video,
For example, lets say that you were to try out my strategy and you start at the beginning.
Level 1.
And lets say that you do well in level 1.
You clear stages 1 – 2 within level 1 and you are ready to move on. What most people tend to do is they jump from level 1 to level 4 essentially skipping over two very important levels.
That’s a HUGE mistake.
This strategy is set up in a way that assumes you won’t skip over levels.
Therefore, what I am trying to say here is that while this article talks about level 4 exclusively you have to have the first three levels completed before you can implement anything here. That’s why I recommend you pick up one of my books,
Or simply read the in-depth articles on this website to gain a clear understanding of how to navigate levels 1 – 3 before you attempt anything I am about to teach you here.
I realize that it’s going to be very tempting because what I talk about on this page is probably going to revolutionize the way you look at dating for the rest of your life and you are going to be eager to try some of the strategies out but only do so on your ex boyfriend if you have passed levels 1 – 3.
Got it?
Good!
Let’s begin!
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The Purpose Of The Three Date Strategy
Before I talk about the three date strategy I think it’s important if I explain the ultimate purpose of going on a date with your ex boyfriend.
I hate to sound like a broken record but I want you to take a look at level 4 of our strategy on the infographic below,
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhat is the ultimate goal of any in person interaction with your ex boyfriend according to this graphic?
To succeed, right?
To get him back.
And that’s the assumption we are going to be operating under. We are going to be positing you to get your ex boyfriend back on every single date you go on.
And that’s where the three date strategy comes into play.
What Is The Three Date Strategy?
I don’t know why but a lot of women seem to be under the impression that it’s going to take one date with their ex boyfriends to convince them to be in a relationship again.
NEWSFLASH!
This rarely every works.
Instead, it will probably take three dates and sometimes even more than that.
But what’s the game plan for these three dates?
What should you accomplish during them?
What should you wear?
What should you say?
Geez… you sure have a lot of questions.
Look, I promise you that I am going to answer ALL of those questions but first a story.
Well… perhaps that isn’t accurate. This is more like a role play.
Lets say that you had a blind date with a guy tomorrow. Now, it’s been a while since you have lasted dated so you are very excited for this blind date. You get all dressed up and looking perfect and then finally the moment is here. You arrive at the restaurant where the blind date is supposed to go down and are greeted by a very handsome man.
Hell, this guy isn’t just handsome.
HE’S HOT!
The type of guy that you have always dreamed about (looks wise.)
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And that’s when it happens.
He gets down on one knee and proposes to you.
Would you say yes?
Bear in mind, this is the first time you have ever met him in your life.
NO WAY…
In order for you to say yes to a marriage proposal you will have to know him on a deep level and will have to have at least dated him for a few months.
And yet… time after time I witness women essentially doing this to their ex boyfriends except instead of marriage it’s forcing a relationship on him. Look, convincing an ex boyfriend to get back into a relationship with you isn’t going to happen overnight and it isn’t going to be necessarily easy.
Hell, I would say that it’s going to be hard which is why you can’t expect to accomplish it completely on one date.
Instead, I want you to go on three dates and slowly build up to it.
Just like my marriage analogy.
It takes time to get a yes to a marriage proposal.
Same principle here.
It takes time to get a yes to a relationship proposal.
What Are The Three Dates?
I want you to take a good look at the graphic below,
Notice anything interesting?
(Besides the fact at how poor of an artist I am.)
Well, first off the three dates I keep going on and on about are,
- The Small Date
- The Medium Date
- The Romantic Date
But that’s not the most interesting part. Instead, the most interesting part is that there are two arrows revolving around the “romantic date.” This was done on purpose by me because… well, I will get to that in a second. First things first, lets talk about the three dates.
The Small Date
The idea behind the three dates strategy is that you are starting off slow and then building up attraction very gradually. The analogy I like to use is kind of like when you are boiling a pot of water. You put the pot of water on the stove and then you turn the fire on.
Does it start boiling immediately?
No, it takes a few minutes and slowly but surely the water gets hotter until it reaches the point of boiling.
Same principle here.
While our main goal may be getting your ex boyfriend back that isn’t until later. For now, we are just trying to “heat the water” up. Once the water boils that’s when you sill strike.
Get it?
That’s why this date is called “the small date.” ”
Your main goal here is to plant the seeds for a future date.
To remain memorable.
To have him walk away from the date thinking,
“Man, I really want to see her again.”
And there are a TON of ways to do this. But first, lets talk about location. Where should the small date be held?
A few days ago I recorded a podcast episode where one of the visitors to Ex Boyfriend Recovery asked a pretty simple question.
“What should I do on a date with him? Do I ask him to hang out?”
And in that episode I explained the premise of the three dates and how you want to gradually build attraction throughout these three dates. But I think deep down she already knew that. The question I really wanted to answer was when she asked,
“When I see him in person do I ask permission to hang out?”
I thought my answer to her perfectly summed up what a “small date” would look like. You see, I told her that she should never ask permission. She should just put him in a position where they are hanging out.
I gave her an example.
Starbucks is an ideal location for a small date. Why? Because of these things,
Seriously, Starbucks is known for having a ton of comfortable chairs and couches throughout their locations.
So, let me give you some background on her situation.
Her ex had contacted her about returning a record that she had left over his house after the no contact rule was completed. So, the two of them set a date up a week ahead of time so she could get the record back but she was panicking because she didn’t really know how to approach the situation.
Luckily for her… I did!
The fix was easy and would require a bit of initiate on her side.
Here is what she should do.
She should tell him to meet her at Starbucks and set a specific time in the middle of the day.
Let’s say 2:30 PM.
Here is the thing though.
Instead of her showing up at 2:30 on the dot she should show up 30 – 45 minutes early and make her way inside of Starbucks and sit at a table or couch where there is enough room for both of them to talk. You see, men are cowards when it comes to dates and since her date is predicated around her ex returning a record that she owns to her I have a feeling that he would take the cowards way out and just give her the record in the parking lot of Starbucks as opposed to actually sitting down and having a conversation with her after he returned the record.
So, her showing up early and sitting in Starbucks will force him to come inside, sit down, give her the record and then talk.
Which is what she wants.
She wants to talk to her ex boyfriend.
To interest him…
Excite him…
Keep him engaged and then just when he starts enjoying her company she needs to end the date prematurely.
Why Should She End The Date Prematurely?
Have you ever heard of something called “The Zeigarnik Effect?”
Well, back in the day there was a Russian soviet scientist who went by the name of Bluma Wulfovna Zeigarnik. She was actually the one who discovered “The Zeigarnik Effect.”
So, what is it?
It states that people people remember uncompleted or interrupted tasks better than completed tasks.
In other words, if you sit through an entire date with your ex boyfriend and wait until the conversation fades to end the date he is less likely to remember the entirety of the date when compared to you ending the date prematurely.
Man that was a mouthful and I am not even sure that made sense to me.
Ok, lets dumb this down for the mere mortals of the world like us.
What does Hollywood do better than anyone?
Tell stories, right?
They tell stories through television shows, movies and even streaming services.
Speaking of television shows.
Did you know that they are the undisputed king of utilizing “The Zeignarik Effect?”
What’s the biggest difference between television shows and movies?
Well, movies tell a story to you in about two hours.
Television shows…
They tell stories to you in the course of 10 to 22 hours.
Seriously, take one of the best shows of all time, Game of Thrones.
Each season has about ten episodes of about an hour.
That’s ten hours!
I have never even heard of a movie lasting that long.
Have you?
But that’s why it’s essential for a TV show to capture an audiences attention. You will notice that every single TV show episode ends on a cliffhanger. A moment that literally makes you think,
“I have to find out what happens next!”
And then the episode ends.
TV shows have to do that to make you remember.
*Psst… in case you didn’t notice a cliffhanger is essentially an uncompleted task.)
But why?
Why do TV shows have to do this?
Well, because there is generally a week long wait before the next episode airs and the creators of the TV shows have found that the best way to make you remember to tune in the next week is to utilize “The Zeignarik Effect.”
So, that’s why you should end your date with your ex boyfriend prematurely.
It’s going to raise the chances that he is going to remember you.
Don’t believe me?
Well, then perhaps it’s time for me to tell you a little bit about the worst date I have ever been on in my life.
The Worst Date I Have Ever Been On
I have been on a lot of bad dates in my life.
Here’s a list of some of the more interesting experiences I have had to endure,
- I broke my foot on a date…
- I didn’t have enough money to pay for a movie ticket for a date once… (The movie sucked anyways)
- I once got roped into doing a double date with an alcoholic…
- I spent my entire paycheck when I was a waiter on a date to impress my then girlfriend (and then I broke up with her a week later)
But the truth is that look back on those dates as funny stories to tell.
They don’t even compare to the story I am about to tell you.
It’s funny… I actually thought about this date today because my wife and I were actually trying to get our pediatrician to call in a prescription for our daughter and they kept saying that they did it when they really didn’t.
Yup, I would keep calling CVS Pharmacy to verify that the medicine had been called in and they kept saying,
“I am sorry sir… we haven’t gotten anything.”
And then I would call the pediatricians office to get them to call it in again and they wouldn’t answer.
Quite a morning a the Seiter household.
It got to the point where I got so angry with our pediatrician (we are leaving them) that I drove up there and forced them to call the medicine in, in front of me.
The whole thing was a massive waste of time.
There is nothing I hate more than having my time wasted.
Which leads me to my point.
The worst date I have ever been on was a never ending date. Seriously, I met this girl up at a restaurant at noon and I essentially spent the entire day with her.
I didn’t want to…
Seriously… any time I would tell her that I had to go she would just keep talking and ignore me.
Eventually it got to the point where I had to tell her,
“I HAVE TO GO!”
Now, I liked her fine at the beginning of the date and if she had ended it prematurely I may have wanted to see her again but when the date just kept dragging on and on I literally lost any attraction I had towards her.
The Medium Date
So, before I get into the specifics of the “medium date” I want to reiterate that the whole point of doing this “three date” method is to SLOWLY rebuild attraction.
Thus, every new date that you go on is going to slowly ratchet up the attraction.
I want you to imagine a graph that is going upwards slowly by slowly.
This is supposed to represent a visual of his feelings.
It’s also supposed to represent a visual of the level of “attraction intensity” that you want on your dates.
Let’s say that the attraction intensity on the first date was here,
Well, if we hold true to the “three date method” and slowly building attraction up over the course of the three dates then that means you want the “medium date” to be right around here,
But what does that date actually look like?
Where do you go?
What do you do?
What are you supposed to accomplish?
These are all very good questions that I am going to be answering in this section.
Let’s start with what your main goal is during the medium date.
What You Are Trying To Accomplish On The Medium Date
Simple, you are trying to rebuild attraction and make him want another date with you.
In other words, you have the same exact goal as you had on the small date.
Here’s where it gets tricky though, you can’t be too romantic on this date.
So, you have to build attraction without it being too threatening.
After all, this isn’t meant to be the uber romantic date that we are going to talk about next.
How do you do this?
How can you build attraction in your ex without it being too romantic?
One word!
FUN!!!
I want you to take your ex boyfriend on a fun date.
That leads me to my next point.
Where Do You Go On The Date?
If you actually go back in time to this article you will notice that I actually recommended that you go on a date with a group of people during your medium date. The idea here is that it creates an un-threatening vibe and opens your ex up to having fun.
And after a few more years of coaching and advising under my belt I still think this is the smartest thing to do.
Why?
In my opinion, to convince a man to go on a romantic date with you (which is where the heavy lifting is really going to occur) you are going to have to get him to jump through a few hoops.
What are these hoops?
The two non-threatening dates.
But the big difference between the first date and the second date is the venue.
A coffee shop meet up during the day is non threatening in and of itself.
A medium date at night revolving around fun can border on romantic depending on the activity.
So, to “dumb down” the romantic vibe all you need to do is invite a group of people.
This group will serve as a buffer between him feeling like you are going too fast too soon which is a HUGE problem that the women on this website have.
Now, I am not going to lie to you.
Getting a group of people together is difficult.
Why?
Well, you can’t invite a bunch of your friends because your ex will feel threatened by that.
Also, you can’t invite a singular couple that you know because that will scream DOUBLE DATE.
Instead, you want to have a healthy mix of men and women going on this fun date.
But where?
The activity has to be fun.
Here are a few of my favorite examples,
- Bowling
- Laser Tag
- Beach Day
- Sporting Event (Baseball Game Is Preferred)
- Mini Golf
- Pool Party
All of these are super fun and they are conducive to big groups.
What Do You Do If You Get Him To Go On “The Group Date?”
That’s easy!
HAVE FUN!
It’s really that simple.
I want you to take off the “Ex Boyfriend Recovery” goggles for a second and allow yourself to be “in the moment.”
Just have fun.
The attraction part will take care of itself if you do that.
One of the biggest issues for women trying to get their exes back that I have found is the fact that they get so uptight and focus on the technical aspects of “building attraction” that they end up achieving the opposite effect.
Sometimes the smart thing to do is to throw the rules out the window and just see where things take you.
As long as you show him a good time and you are having a good time the attraction part will take care of itself, trust me.
But Chris… Do We Still End The Date Prematurely?
I am going to be honest with you.
The politically correct answer is YES.
BUT there is an external factor that you have to take into account.
Where you had the date.
Let’s say that you gathered a huge group of friends for a pool party over at your friend Lisa’s house and you managed to get your ex boyfriend to attend. If you end the date prematurely and he doesn’t go home when you go home then you run the risk of him meeting another girl at this pool party and falling for her.
We definitely don’t want that.
But at the same time you aren’t going to leave him wanting more if you stick around by his side the entire time while you are at the party.
Get it?
So, what this really boils down to is the fact that where you have your date is IMPORTANT.
Ideally you don’t want to pick a date that isn’t going to last all day.
For example, a pool party or a beach day is probably going to last into the night.
Whereas bowling and laser tag are activities that are fun but won’t last super long. This will allow you to end the date prematurely without feeling threatened by another woman that may be on the group date with you.
The Romantic Date
The romantic date is without a doubt the most important date out of all three dates we are talking about on this page because it’s going to be the actual date where you are going to be going in for the kill.
Going For The Kill = Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
Now, if you recall my cool little graphic above you would recall that the romantic date part of the graphic had a strange circle,
I assure you that this wasn’t a design flaw on my part (even though I will admit that it looks very crappy.)
No, this is actually done on purpose because it’s supposed to represent a repeat cycle.
Thus far we have talked about three dates,
- The Small One
- The Medium One
- The Romantic One
The idea behind these three dates is that each one ups the ante.
It creates this “attraction funnel” that you put your ex through and hopefully by the end of it he is willing to re-enter a relationship with you.
Now, lets assume that you have made it as far as the romantic date portion of our little funnel.
In a perfect world your ex boyfriend would be willing to get back into a relationship with you again at the end of that romantic date.
But we don’t live in a perfect world now do we?
Nope, most of the time we live in an imperfect world.
I have found that most of the time one huge romantic date isn’t enough.
Sometimes it takes multiple romantic dates.
That’s where that endless cycle of romantic dates comes into play.
I want you to go into each and every romantic date with your ex boyfriend with a mindset of getting him back but if it doesn’t happen at the end of the romantic date then I want you to repeat the process over again in a few days.
The idea is to keep putting him in a position where he will have an opportunity to ask you to be his girlfriend again (more on that in a second.)
However, after three romantic dates I want you to hit the pause button.
What do I mean by pause button?
I want you to go into a mini no contact period again for a total of 3 days.
That’s it… It’s as simple as that.
So, here is what this looks like,
Notice how you put your plans on pause after he hasn’t asked you after the third romantic date?
The idea behind doing this is actually to make your ex think,
“Where did she go? Is she over me? What happened?”
Common sense dictates that if any man is willing to go on three romantic dates with you that he has some type of feelings for you and by putting the breaks on by pausing you are attempting to shock him into the reality of the situation.
The Reality = HE LIKES YOU!
Now, one of the biggest debates on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is around whether or not YOU should ask your ex boyfriend back during these dates so you don’t get caught in a situation where you have to “pause.”
Should You Ask Your Ex Boyfriend To Be In A Relationship With You Again While On A Romantic Date?
As much as I hate to say this I think there really is no right answer when it comes to this.
In fact, I talked about this extensively in an article about “the ask” on this website.
So, rather than give you a lecture about the right’s and wrongs of asking an ex out yourself I am just going to tell you what I know.
Having Him Ask You To Be In A Relationship Again > You Asking To Be In A Relationship Again
This is always going to be preferred. Thus, everything you do should be geared towards making this outcome a reality and the method above that I just “graphed” for you is the best way I have found.
FYI: I consulted my wife on this and we both agreed that pausing after a while is the best way to shock a man into doing what you want.
Does that sound manipulative?
Haha…
I plead the fifth on that one.
Let’s move on to some of the funner aspects of going on a date with your ex.
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What You Should Wear On Your Three Dates?
Last week my wife did her very first video for Ex Boyfriend Recovery,
And it was all about what to wear on a date with your ex boyfriend.
I have to say, I have never been more proud of her.
Why?
Easy, because she tackled a subject that I didn’t even think to tackle before. You see, one thing that I am really good about when it comes to advising people to get their ex back is the big picture.
I am great with coming up the overall plan for getting an ex back but little technical details like,
- What to wear
- How your hair should look
- Etc
Always seem to escape me.
Luckily, my weakness is my wife’s strength which is why she did the video you see above.
Of course, if you are too lazy to watch the video allow me to sum up our findings about what kind of clothes to wear on your date.
The THREE Big Colors
Here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery we recommend that you wear three different colors on a date with your ex.
- Red
- Blue
- Black
Why these three colors?
Easy, subconsciously colors make men feel different things.
Lets take a moment and go down the list,
Red (We Recommend This The Most)
Red actually represents passion. This is something that you definitely want your ex to feel when he sees you.
You want him daydreaming about you… Sexually.
And a sexy red outfit can do that for you.
For example, our research taught us that waitresses in France would often wear red because they knew they would get higher tips, as much as 20%. In other words, men who would come to the restaurant would see them in red, fantasize about them and tip them well as a result.
Now, some of you may be sitting there wondering,
“But if he daydreams about me sexually won’t that be all he is after?”
Is there really anything wrong with that?
At first anyway?
Think of it like this.
Currently you and your ex are broken up and he wants nothing to do with you.
If wearing a sexy red outfit makes him think about having sex with you won’t that put you in a better position in your effort of getting him back than you were in when you first started?
I can tell you that as a relationship consultant I would rather have a client whose ex wants to sleep with her as opposed to a client whose ex wants nothing to do with her.
Now, where women often find themselves in trouble is when they actually do sleep with their ex.
WE DO NOT RECOMMEND THAT YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR EX.
Not until he commits to you.
Let’s move on to our next color.
Blue (Trust Issues Or Cheating)
Here’s a fun fact about about blue.
Advertisers have poured millions of dollars into research on the best color that will make people buy their products. Do you want to know what they found about blue?
Baby blue in particular,
Apparently this color is supposed to ooze trust and innocence.
Especially online where people are often afraid of being a victim of a scam baby blue is used to calm those fears.
Hell, even Ex Boyfriend Recoveries logo is blue,
Why did I pick that logo?
Funny story, it actually wasn’t because I wanted you to trust me more. Originally my old logo was red. It’s just that I am not exactly the most feminine when it comes to design so when I was redesigning the site I wanted something that spoke to women more and a blue look like this would do that I felt.
Anyways, we recommend that you wear blue on a date only if you want your ex boyfriend to trust you more.
Consider this, politicians are often seen in blue because they want you to trust them more.
So, wearing blue on a date is ideal for situations where trust was an issue throughout your relationship.
Cheating especially comes to mind here.
If you cheated on your ex then you definitely want to be seen in blue a lot.
You need every edge you can get.
Colors Have Different Cultural Meanings
Without a doubt most of the visitors who come to Ex Boyfriend Recovery are from the United States or the United Kingdom!
But close behind those two countries is the rest of the world,
- India
- Phillipines
- China
- Egypt
- France
- Japan
- You get the idea
Therefore, a huge portion of the audience that I have here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery is from around the world.
Do you have any idea what different colors mean around the world?
Well, I can tell you that red, for example, doesn’t mean passion in Egypt.
Nope, red is often associated with DEATH.
Now, I don’t know about you but I don’t think that death is something that you want to be displaying on a date with your ex. Luckily for you, I happened to stumble across an amazing resource,
Using this chart you should be able to pin down exactly where you stand if you are from a different part of the world.
Oh, and you can even use this chart if you are from the UK or the US but you are dating someone who may not be from the UK or US originally. For example, I had a girl from the United States last week ask one of my assistants what she could do to get her ex boyfriend back if he was overseas in France.
Let’s assume that this girl managed to set up a date with her ex who lives in France. What color should she wear?
Let’s look at what our chart says about France?
Red?
Hmm… aristocracy basically means that you are high class and this is something you definitely want to wear if you want to present a sophisticated vibe. But remember, we want an ex to feel passionate about you and I am not so sure aristocracy is going to do that.
Red is good but let’s see if we can find something better.
Orange?
Freedom and peace…
Eh, he could take that as meaning that you want to be free of him forever which is definitely not a vibe that you want him to get from you.
Yellow?
Temporary…
No way, next.
Green?
Fertility and strength…
Hmm… fertility and passion kind of go hand in hand. After all, fertility is defined as the ability to conceive children. There is also an alternate definition where fertility means young so there is that.
Red and green are the best colors I have seen so far.
Let’s see if we can find something better.
Blue
Freedom and peace…
Ya… that’s not what we are going for at all. As far as I know there isn’t any cheating involved in this situation. If there was then I can see a case being made for blue.
Purple
Freedom and peace again…
Nope.
Next please.
Black
…..
Apparently black means nothing in France haha.
White
Neutrality…
Again, this doesn’t trump red or green for me.
So, according to the chart this woman should wear either red or green if she wants the maximum result. Let’s see if I can find something that I think would work on a man to give you a good idea of the proper way to color coordinate.
For red I think this would work,
And for green I think this would work,
FYI I checked with my wife to make sure I wasn’t giving you bad dress options.
Something You Never Knew About Men And Hair
In addition to doing a video on what to wear on a date my wife also did a series on how to wear your hair on a date.
She specifically talked about hair extensions.
Now, I am going to be the first to admit that I don’t know anything about hair extensions.
Luckily for you, my wife does.
But when it comes to hair and men I know quite a bit (since I am a man.)
So, let’s settle the age old debate once and for all.
Short Hair Vs. Long Hair (What Do Men Prefer?)
I want you to take a look at these two pictures,
Now, I think everyone can agree that Jennifer Lawrence is an attractive woman.
But let’s pretend that I got 100 men into a room and showed them the picture above of her.
After showing them the picture I would ask one simple question,
Which version of Jennifer Lawrence do you find more attractive?
What do you think the vast majority of them would say?
Well, it is my personal belief that most men would prefer the long haired Jennifer Lawrence over the short haired Jennifer Lawrence.
But why?
Well, I have a few theories as two why.
Theory #1 = Society Throws Long Haired Women In Our Faces On A Daily Basis
I did a test.
I went to Google Images and typed in,
“Beautiful Woman”
And you won’t believe what came up,
Lot’s of beautiful women.
I took a screenshot so you could see.
In my screenshot I counted a total of 60 pictures.
Do you care to take a guess at how many women with short hair were pictured?
THREE…
3 out of 60 = 5%
In other words, Google Images is basically saying that 95% of women who are considered beautiful have long hair.
Now, it doesn’t take a genius to realize that most advertisers are going to use a long haired woman to appeal to a man because they know that men find them more attractive as opposed to short haired women.
But why?
Why is short hair considered unattractive to men?
Theory #2 = The “His Mom” Effect
What if I told you that every time your ex boyfriend meets a girl with short hair he immediately thinks about his mom.
Well, that’s what I think honestly happens.
Now, I love my own mother (who has short hair) more than anything but there is not ever a universe where I would date someone that reminded me of her.
That’s just too weird.
In addition to that I noticed that a lot of women who are older tend to go with shorter hair.
I don’t know why. Maybe it’s a big “F*ck You” to society but what I do know is that most men aren’t going to be as attracted to a woman with short hair.
Laura
May 16, 2019 at 12:10 pm
Hey,
I’ve been with my ex boyfriend for 14 months. We are both having alot of stress and it was kind of a mutual break up! I miss him alot and want him back (thanks for your article!)
It has been 1,5 months after the break up and we did NC for a few weeks.
I was missing him alot and having hopes that one day, my best (male) friend texted my ex that he should meet me and talk while I had texted him that he should stay out of my life if he wasn’t serious about us (my friend didn’t know that I had sent that to my ex boyfriend.) I was very mad at him because he had downloaded Tinder (and to me he had said that he is not the kind of guy that likes relationships).
So I met him few days ago and I had to cry once but otherwise everything went good. We talked alot and were even joking! Suddenly I asked him how he liked my pullover and he answered that I should buy one for him. Then I told him ”I only get you one if you take me on a date”. Then he agreed that he would contact me when he got his salary because he wants to pay for everything.
The same day later on, we texted. He said he doesn’t want a relationship in the next 2-3 years (and i told him that i only want to date and then see if we are compatible to each other). But i got still sad. In addition we still have us blocked on all Social Medias except Whatsapp (so we can text)!
I’m trying to forget him to not be disappointed on the first date but I love him alot and don’t know what to think or do!
Thanks in advance for any advice!!
Rachel
April 17, 2019 at 4:18 pm
Hi Chris,
I really love your article. I wished I had read it before I met my ex for a „date“ after breakup (he suggested the date after no contact). I think I really messed it up because I was afraid of just becoming friends with him. So when we left the café, he asked me if we will see us soon. But I started to talk about us and that I never did the „be friends“-thing with my exes. I don’t know why I did this instead of agreeing to a second „date“. This first date was great we had so much fun. I think there are chances to get back together, because I‘m going to move (due to work) 5000 miles into his city soon. Anyways, I‘m really mad at me that I started this terrible conversation. Can you give me any advice to undo this damage? I try to get another date. If he agrees, what shall I do? Just pretend nothing happened at this first date and just be at my best? Should it be another small date or a medium date? Thank you!
Elissa
March 23, 2019 at 8:17 pm
Hi Chris! Another great article!
I don’t know if you remember me, I am the one who ended things with my ex 3 months ago, while I am pregnant.
The thing is, we met 3 days ago, to return his personal belongings, and it was really good actually. We had so much fun, we did go to starbucks(I was not reading this article 3 days ago, just today) we spent 3 hours together… he hugged me, and I saw that he loves me… we cried a little bit when we saw each other… he even told me he miss me that much at nights, when he fall asleep he waking up searching for me by his side… and the mornings when he wakes up, always starts his days with one good memory of us. He was looking at me and my belly with lobe in his eyes, and I saw he is still mad, but more like he wants to be… now after 3 days he is distant… when I reach ot he responds with one word answers, but things definitely much better than before.
I can see his guards up, that’s why he try to be cold and distant, and that’s why he doesn’t wanted to meet in person… because he can’t pretend like he doesn’t care, just online.
I asked him again to come to the last check up on the baby, and he said he checking up if he is free that day… so, what’s next? Just wait for him or try to build connection with him?
Chris Seiter
March 24, 2019 at 4:41 am
HI Elissa….so I recall you! So I think slow and easy. Just think of stringing together lots of little positive moments and experiences and memories. There may be some little setbacks here or there, but time can be a great healer.
BlondieSomLead
November 19, 2018 at 6:56 pm
Hello!
I love your page Chris.
After a mutual break up with my boyfriend of almost a year (LDR) I went straight into NC (completed 45 days) I have worked very hard on myself – lost weight, gym and worked on my social life.
We met today (I wanted to get some things back, he suggested lunch) all good. He kissed me straight on the lips in greeting, and lingering hug/kiss when we departed. He said that he had missed me – and seemed to genuinely mean that.
He text to say thanks for meeting, and I replied likewise
What do I do now? Do I carry on working on my Insta/Snap/FB/Li and randomly messaging him. Do I NC again? Do I initiate contact and when?
Chris Seiter
November 20, 2018 at 1:37 am
Great job on the personal side of NC. Now its time to reach out in the way I describe in my Program/eBook!
Nessa
October 21, 2018 at 4:37 am
So my ex called me to give my ipad back. We don’t live in the same city, I tried to make him mail the ipad, he refuse. I tried to meet him the same day he called me and he didn’t answer my calls. Few days later, I contacted him again before leaving his town, he was at work. Since then we will text sometimes, mostly initiate by me. He will be nice and cool on some phones conversations like telling me he has my birthday gift and cold on some like he’s ignoring me. Now here is my question, how can I set up an appointment to get my ipad back. I eould like to meet him, i’ve done 60 days NC, worked on myself. I don’t know his work schedule and I want to set a firm appointment not based on maybes. Is it better to text or call? Is this text msg ok? Hey, What are you doing on Sunday? I would like to get my ipad
jen cramer
September 14, 2017 at 12:08 am
Hi,so just finished 40 days NC, my ex broke up with me after a year and a half. Our relationship was great, but we’re both going through stress in life and I think he got overwhelmed. Just before our breakup he was still telling me he loved me, was crying, holding me. Just said he was exhausted with our relationship. Anywho, i texted him to let him know I’m getting ready to move and wanted to get him his belongings back, he had left a ton of things at my place. He responded very positively, saying how happy he was to hear I had sold my house, hoped I was well etc. Smiley faces, exclamation marks, very nice sounding! We’re meeting outside a Starbucks to exchange his things. My question is should I ask him to have a coffee and catch up while we’re there? Or should I just chat while returning his things and then leave on that note?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 15, 2017 at 4:23 pm
Hi Jen,
When did you break up?
julie
June 14, 2017 at 6:04 pm
I broke up with my ex after 2yrs because he wouldnt commit. He even asked me to move in with him and backed out of fear and hes 42! I initiated NC for the last 70 days, I did hear from him for the first 2 weeks and then he gave up. I did send him a note and wished him the best of luck with a check that I owed him after 45 days. Im not sure how to proceed? Please advise
Thank you
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 16, 2017 at 7:35 pm
how much did you improve and how active were you in posting in social media?
Liz
May 29, 2017 at 2:49 pm
My ex and I broke up just over a year ago, but recently started talking frequently over the past few months. We hadn’t seen each other since hte breakup but finally met up for a ‘date’ last week – even though I suggested it, he ended up making reservations and changed his travel plans for his return from a business trip in order to make the date. He met me right after getting off a plane and still had his suitcase with him. It was of course a bit awkward to see him but really good and all the chemistry and sexual tension was still there! He had mentioned a few times over the date that he wanted to see my new apartment and that he had seen it on my instagram. When he dropped me off in the taxi, he brought up seeing hte place again but said it was too late and he would come by some other time soon to see it and was really excited about it. This was a few days ago and we haven’t talked yet. Since it was his suggestion to effectively meet up again, do I follow through on that? What comes next after the first meet up?
Liz
June 19, 2017 at 5:54 pm
Will do, thanks! But why would he be so hesitant when he was so eager right before? Is it a going slow thing?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 22, 2017 at 2:54 pm
Yup dont rush or maybe he’s just really busy
Liz
June 14, 2017 at 9:24 pm
We talked for a while after and I eventually brought up – so impatient! He’s leaving his job soon and said the next few weeks were really tough work-wise. What now? I left it the ball in his court.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 16, 2017 at 8:34 pm
just dont ask again.. and go back to being more active in other things
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 30, 2017 at 5:25 pm
continue talking for now.. it would be better to let him initiate a date this time.
Sandra
May 9, 2017 at 2:19 pm
I can not tell if he is friend zoning me?? We did the 3 dates. He initiated all. Quick Kiss on the lips is it…he initiated, but nothing much more other than normal conversations. What do you think and suggest?
Sandra
May 9, 2017 at 2:54 pm
I’m not sure if I’m making myself to available?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 11, 2017 at 7:05 pm
why? how long have you been buulding rapport? just go back to being more active in your own actvities for
Sandra
May 7, 2017 at 1:59 am
Did a first date…it was perfect, it was 3 Hours, little long. Next day was date 2. We made out…is that bad ? He seemed now a little distant after that than from the first date. What should I do? Lay low? Text?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 7, 2017 at 3:19 pm
rest for 2 or 3 days before texting again.. lay low in meeting up for this week
Alice
December 28, 2016 at 3:47 am
Hey Chris and Amor,
I posted a comment on a different article about setting up the initial meetup (my comment is on this page https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/texting-an-ex-boyfriend-the-new-rules/comment-page-5/#comment). Very brief background, we were together for 7 years (from age 16 to 23) and I did about three months of no contact, and then about three months of texting (he was hesitant to start texting at first). So we have been broken up around 6 months. I followed Amor’s advice and had the first meetup today.
It went really well! We met in a Starbucks and just sat and talked for three hours. It honestly felt like no time had passed at all. I think I did okay with ending on a cliffhanger—maybe I could have ended it a bit earlier but I definitely didn’t stay to the point that there was nothing to talk about anymore. Later that night I texted him and said it was nice seeing him, and he responded saying it was good to catch up and he’s glad we did it.
So now I’m wondering about the next steps. How long should I wait before asking him to hang out again? And I know you suggest a group date—I’m hesitant about this because basically all my friends are mutual friends with him and I think he would feel it was too much pressure for us to be hanging around with all of our friends who know our past together. Do you really strongly recommend the group activity or is there something else you could recommend me doing?
I’m nervous that I waited too long to meet up with him—-I waited this long because when we first started texting he suggested we see a movie together that just came out this past week, but when it came time for me to ask him about seeing the movie he decided he didn’t think seeing a movie together would be a good idea because it might bring up old feelings. He was okay with getting coffee though, and although it felt to me like nothing had changed, I’m still really scared that he doesn’t have feelings for me at all anymore. I guess the whole point of going on the dates is to recreate attraction.
Anyways, my main question is: how long should I wait before the second time we meet up, and what should I suggest we do? Thank you!
Alice
December 28, 2016 at 10:20 pm
Hi Alice,
Unfortunately the only problem with New Year’s Eve is that it was our anniversary, so I’m not sure if it would be awkward to ask him to hang out then. But maybe on the next day I could have a get together with friends or something. Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 30, 2016 at 8:46 am
Ah, yeah, it would be better to hang out in a different day
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 28, 2016 at 9:39 am
Hi Alice,
what about new year’s even? A short get together of friends before you all head to your family’s.
Elle
December 1, 2016 at 11:16 pm
Hi,
Went through a horrible breakup, was very needy and clingy, guy ” wasn’t in love with me anymore and just didn’t view us as romantically compatible ,” and explicitly told me that we weren’t getting back together . I did NC, followed the advise on this site, have been hitting the gym and working on myself. The other day he came over to pick up the Christmas gift I got him before we broke up and have some cake that I made. I looked fabulous and let him do most of the talking. He made very little eye contact and he gave me several of those one armed platonic buddy hugs. By the way he was talking about work, he sounds pretty miserable with life. He loved his gift. I asked if he wanted to go to the casino in town and hang out again, but he paused and said ” maybe .” Prior to this he had been ignoring my texts ( which were seldom .) what do I do from here and how do I escape the dreaded friend zone?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 2, 2016 at 6:12 pm
Hi Elle,
I think you’ve done enough for now.. If he’s been ignoring your texts, the gift, which I understand you have to give, should be the most you can offer at that moment.. So that you dont look like you’re really trying to make it back with him.. Step back for now.. Rest, act like you just gave that gift, and went back to life, got more busy and had no time to initiate for a while.. Try it, maybe 1 or 2 weeks
Gabrielle
October 29, 2016 at 6:18 am
Hey there, I need some advice! I’m worried about how fast I should’ve taken the transition from texting to phone calls to the first date. My ex and I broke up 2-3months ago and after a couple of weeks I implemented the no-contact rule. I successfully completed it and worked on myself in health and wealth. My first text message got a great response. My ex missed me, was afraid I hated him and really wanted to see me soon. I kept texting him following the low/high tide theory and eventually HE asked me if he could call me. So we had a conversation for around 50mins and he kept reiterating he wanted to see me over coffee or by hanging out at the beach. However, he also repeated how badly he wanted us to stay friends. We kept texting afterwards and eventually we went out for lunch together. We had an amazing time and he gave me a long hug good-bye telling me he wanted to see me again. He even texted me 2hrs later to ask me if I had a great time and wanted to see me already. I was thrilled so I kept up with texting for another week before I proposed the medium date however, he put off the date until an hour before meeting up and told me he could no longer come because of work. We ended up speaking on the phone later but when I suggested re-scheduling our meet-up, he didn’t seem interested at all. He also ended the conversation and hasn’t texted me since. Now I’m worried I may have gone too fast with building attraction and can’t seem to get him interested in another date. I’m worried he’s friendzoned me permanently and is backing off now.
Gabrielle
August 31, 2017 at 5:09 am
Hi Amor! Just wanted to thank you for all your help! Good news – my ex and I are back together! I tried to follow your advice and move on with my life and after some time he started to get more and more serious with me. Admittedly at one point, we had this fight and I decided to pick up and move on forever with every intention of following through. A month later, he came crawling back saying he regretted it and that he wanted us to get back together! We’ve been together for about a month now however there is bad news. My parents don’t know we’ve been seeing each other and they still hate him for us breaking up before. I’ve been trying to lead in to telling them but my recent attempt has them very concerned. My Mum warned me not to go back and my Dad was furious I was even talking to him. Every time I try to bring him up, they become very negative. I’m devastated as I am an adult and still live with my parents (I’m finishing uni). I understand their reasoning and that they don’t want to risk me getting hurt again but I don’t know how to break it to them. I will bite the bullet eventually but I need to change their negative thinking. Please help!
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 31, 2017 at 7:41 pm
Let them feel what they want to feel..and just prove over time that they’re wrong..
Gabrielle
April 16, 2017 at 3:17 am
Hi Amor! Still not seeing the ‘ultimate result’. 🙁 I’ve been trying so hard to get him to commit. Admittedly, he’s making progress and I see signs of him acting like we’re a couple (physical affection, loving looks, bit of jealousy, future plans) and that he’s in love with me (he’s said it!) – but I just can’t change his mind about being official. I feel like I have done absolutely everything I can do and now I have to leave it to him. I’m starting to see the ‘cut ties and move on’ way is going to be my last ditch attempt to force any kind of commitment out of him. I’m terrified it won’t work. Yesterday we went out on a mini roadtrip to this amazing rainforest and had the funnest time. His support circle is all encouraging him to reunite with me, particularly his family however it’s just his internal beliefs that I can’t fix. I’ve spent the last two months turning his beliefs around and meeting him halfway but he won’t do the same for me. I’m growing frustrated though I haven’t shown it. I don’t have any other option to make him change his mind. Should I tell him I’m breaking off our dates? Any guidance? Thanks for all your help, I really hope this works.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 16, 2017 at 2:41 pm
can’t force somebody to change, that’s why we need to have standards..I think it’s time to move on
Gabrielle
March 16, 2017 at 12:21 am
I’m just barely getting responses. I can’t control the conversation whatsoever. I bring up all the things I’m supposed to or that interest him and he’s just avoiding texting and calling altogether except when necessary. I’ve tried being direct and saying what I want but he’s being stubborn. I don’t want to fight with him as that will only reinforce what he already thinks. He only wants to text for date organising purposes 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 16, 2017 at 4:41 pm
then set a limit until when you’re going to try..because if it’s not progressing and you’ve tried everything, move on.. but for me, you just have to keep initiating because youre5 already seeing each other
Gabrielle
March 14, 2017 at 6:12 am
Hey there Amor, things are getting complicated… My ex and I have been spending time together, in fact HE’S been taking me on romantic dates, suggesting all these different things for us to do (and hints at the future like us moving in together) and becoming even more gentle/caring. It seems weird but I’m really confused because of a few things. My ex told me the other day he’s in love with me yet not ready to get back together as he wants to fall ‘madly’ in love with me again (but he admitted he’s getting there) and wants to see more evidence of my own changes. The things he noted seemed fair and I answered back telling him there were certain things I wanted to see change in too. But it bothers me because despite this he doesn’t communicate with me much outside of our physical meetings unless it’s to hang out. I brought this up and he explained he’s not interested in texting anymore as he realised we had a lot of fights in the past through text. This bothers me because I am in uni and I work so sometimes I don’t have many free days to socialise so I want to be in contact with him in some way. He will takes hours to respond to any text I send him unless it’s to hang out. He doesn’t even return my calls. In my opinion, I think a guy who likes you will try to contact you so I’m getting rather impatient (but holding back) as I’ve already discussed this with him but he’s so stubborn about this particular thing. Should I just let it go? 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 15, 2017 at 5:19 pm
thats depends more on you, because that decision is based upon your standards.
The reason why it’s good to initiate a text is because you take control of the conversation.. You choose the topic and you get to end it at high note.. Especially in your case, the more you do that, the more you prove that even if he’s being neutral or negative with his replies, you’re still rational and you’re not engaging in a fight..
Gabrielle
February 28, 2017 at 7:48 am
Hey Amor! Thank you for all your support, just wanted to say so! I understand your last msg too.
Ive realised that in the past couple months my ex doesn’t text me anymore unless I text him first and it’s to organise plans. While the response is rapid initially, he never wants to have a texting convo. Although I remember when we were together, he hated texting and only did it for me because we were LDR (since then he’s moved back home so that’s no longer an issue). However he never calls me and I don’t either because he prefers in person conversations. It’s just hard because I’m used to texting him all the time back then but now he won’t at all. We’ve both jumped through the hoops Chris has written about before but because of the emphasis on texting and calling, and how I see little on my ex’s end, I just don’t know how to pique his interest 🙁 i feel like this is setting me back. Thoughts ?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 28, 2017 at 8:38 pm
Either you rest and be more active again in other things, or rest and list other topics that is within is interest.
Gabrielle
February 21, 2017 at 2:48 am
Hey Amor! What do I do if it’s the end of the month, I ask him and I fail? It’s been six months and I’m willing to be patient but I’m so worried if I out myself, he might pull away… 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 21, 2017 at 11:11 pm
you mean if he says he doesn’t want to be back together? You have to move on..
Gabrielle
February 17, 2017 at 12:16 pm
Hi Amor! I’ve been spending time with my ex but he just doesn’t seem to be popping the question at the moment. We hang out together twice a week, he invites me over to see his family, invites me to long-term events such as festivals and footy games, takes me out to lunch or to the movies, holds my hand or puts an arm around me in public and even in private, he referred to himself as my boyfriend once quite recently. YET he hasn’t asked me to get back together. I’ve hinted at it with him and he seemed to entertain the idea by considering it but hasn’t followed through. I feel like he’s testing me or waiting for something. I have a feeling he’s waiting (and worried) for us to fight again like we used to but in the last few months our communication has been better than ever when we disagree, which is genuinely rare. However, he doesn’t really text or initiate conversations with me at the moment yet still clears his schedule to spend time with me so I feel like it’s not too bad. I feel so close but I don’t know how to encourage that sense of commitment, any ideas? Do you think I’m actually getting anywhere with my ex? :/
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 17, 2017 at 8:37 pm
try to set a limit until when you would do that before asking.. maybe another month. Check this:
How To Ask Your Ex Boyfriend To Be In A Relationship With You
Gabrielle
January 28, 2017 at 1:47 am
Hey Amor! Since I last spoke to you, I actually didn’t end up attending my ex’s bday. He originally made plans with me then blew me off and didn’t invite me to his new plans until last minute! I was devastated and spoke to him about it later which he apologised for. Since then, he asked me to let him know whenever he’s free and I ended up visiting him and watching another movie with him. We made out however his brother walked in on us but my ex didn’t seem too upset by it. My ex asked me my plans for the next public holiday so we made plans with him and his friends to spend it at the beach altogether. My ex asked me to hang out with him before the beach so when we hung out together, he kissed me again, flirted with and cuddled with me until we had to go. When we got to the beach, his friends treated me like I was his gf again by making subtext such as how I belong to my ex or I’m off limits… My ex’s texting with me has also increased all on its own in terms of frequency and playfulness – it’s fun! My ex has even opened up to me about how his Mum still adores me, still asks about me and how his cousin just named her baby with the same name as mine! His cousins still message me from time to time to update me on the baby’s progress… What has really stuck with me though was how my ex randomly messaged me to tell me how he’s changed and when I asked him why, he told me he wasn’t interested in being the way he was before anymore (which was part of the reason we broke up). I’m not sure whether I can believe him yet, as another thing that contributed to our breakup was how he lied to me for some time but I’m willing to rebuild our trust and forgive him as we had something great. I told him I was happy for him anyway and we’ve continued steady contact. However, a new problem has arised as my parents have figured out I’m still in love with my ex despite everything he did. They’ve vehemently disagreed with me going back to him and have even threatened to disown me if I go back. I’m stuck as I’m very close with my parents and don’t want to lose them but I also love my ex and want to work on repairing our relationship so we can be together. My ex and I becoming so much better at communicating and understanding each other so I feel like we’re doing well! What can I do to reassure my parents and give my ex another shot??? I don’t want any conflict and while I love my ex I’d never jump back into the same relationship I had with him before. I am an adult, a young one studying at university and I understand they don’t want me to get hurt again but I firmly believe my ex and I can establish a better relationship this time. Also, my ex still hasn’t asked for me back yet though I feel we’re headed in that direction… what is my next step??? Thank you!
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 28, 2017 at 11:54 am
talk to your parents. Tell them you understand them and you love them but you also need to try to see if it will be better or if not, at least you learned. You respect them and it’s hurting you very much that they disagree but you would rather be honest and accept their anger than lie behind their backs if you ever get back with each other and also you’re not even back together, so, there’s nothing official yet..
Gabrielle
January 8, 2017 at 1:19 am
Hey Amor, I seem to have made some progress in the last 2months. I went away on my trip, worked on myself, have had a ton a fun and I did try to date a guy for a little while… I relaxed my contact with my ex and now he’s been reaching out to me for the last few weeks. My ex has also been coming to my work to chat to me. The other night he asked me to come to the movies with him and his brother. When I met them, his brother had a date and I was with my ex. The brother ended up sitting away from us so it was just my ex and I. Throughout the whole movie my ex kept teasing and touching me, whispering, holding my hand, kissed my forehead – we barely knew what was happening in the movie and we had so much fun! There were a lot of moments when my ex and I nearly kissed and at the end of the movie we were gazing into each other’s eyes and he kissed me. He texted me after the movie to say thanks for a good time. But I don’t know what to do next! He’s asked me if I’m free to attend his bday next week but I’m not sure whether I should go… thoughts? However I’ve found that giving him space to initiate contact works well so far 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 8, 2017 at 9:05 pm
yeah, you should go! Just dont over do texting and keep having fun
Gabrielle
November 4, 2016 at 1:52 am
Hey Amor,
Not sure if my last comment went through since I can’t see it at the moment. :/ So I’ll just have to keep talking to him to build attraction for a while? After I told him I was hurt, he apologised for offending me and told me he still definitely wants me in his life and sees being friends as the only way to do so. However, he also said it doesn’t bother him if I want to start seeing people yet in most of our convos he asks me if I’m seeing anyone yet. I thought I was seeing results but it seems like I have only cemented his desire to be friends. I was thinking of not messaging him for a few days until I’ve regained control of my emotions (as now I’m feeling unsettled that he may potentially be looking to start dating other girls). BTW Thanks for taking the time to answer all my questions 🙂 So once I restart contact would it be better to keep messaging him until it leads to a date. I guess I’m worried because I leave for a trip in 2weeks and I’ll have to pause my plan…
Gabrielle
November 4, 2016 at 12:26 am
Hey Amor,
After I admitted I was hurt, he apologised for offending me and saying how he didn’t realise he still meant something to me. He ended up wanting to discuss it (via text) so we could address the issue and work together to make it alright? He told me he basically didn’t want to upset me and explained how it wouldn’t faze him if I wanted to date other people. Ultimately he said he doesn’t want me out of his life forever and thinks being friends is a way for him to stay in contact with me. However, it puzzles me since he usually checks to see if I’m dating anyone in most conversations. If he doesn’t care, why ask often? At the moment I’m giving myself a few days to collect myself but I don’t know how to make ‘getting out of the friendzone’ work… He definitely knows I still have feelings for him but I guess I should just keep building rapport as you said?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 5, 2016 at 11:36 pm
Because it’s the sense of ownership. Even though he doesn’t love you or not as the same as before, there is still that sense of only making something or someone his own. One of the things that can help getting you out of the friendzone is seeing you in an attractive light. And that means, you have to improve and then he has to think you don’t like him anymore. Making him want what he doesn’t have.
Gabrielle
November 2, 2016 at 10:10 am
Hey Amor,
He’s actually started texting me since I left that last reply. We engage in some fun, semi-flirty banter however when he found out I was going to this group event at the club with our friends he texted and said, ‘oh my female friend is going to act as my wingman for me but I guess I shouldn’t now because you’ll be there.’ However, when I replied saying ‘why do you need a wingman for?’ he quickly told me not to worry and that he was just stirring me to get a reaction!? I’m a bit hurt by this ‘joke’ honestly and didn’t know how to reply to it… I ended up admitting I was a bit hurt and that I didn’t find it funny. Makes me wonder what the point in teasing that was for?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 3, 2016 at 1:05 pm
keep talking to build rapport..not just to wait forbhim to ask you. What did he say when you said you were hurt? I think he’s teasing you because he can sense you still like him, but on his side, he has friendzoned you
Gabrielle
November 2, 2016 at 12:34 am
Alrighty, so I’ll just message him a bit here and there until he asks me? How often should I contact him because I know I need to speak to him somehow…
Gabrielle
November 1, 2016 at 10:42 am
And yes, I have continued working on myself. I’ve tried to better my patience, focus on my studies and fitness, think about how I could go about being better in a relationship, taken a lot of self-reflection… I’m also more emotionally in control. I just don’t know how to make him fall in love with me all over again. To give you some context, part of the reason we broke up is because he wasn’t as in love with me as he originally was. He said after we broke up (before I started no contact) that he wished he could re-meet me and fall in love with me again and even mentioned during our first phone conversation that he would get back together with me if we became friends and fell in love all over. I don’t know if that helps but I’m so confused.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 1, 2016 at 8:56 pm
put off asking about the second date, because if you think about it too much, you would act on it. It would like you’re only agenda with your talks. Rest from texting him. And then just have casual conversations.
Gabrielle
November 1, 2016 at 10:31 am
Hi Amor,
I’ve been trying to text him (and engage with him in a conversation) and call him too. I can’t seem to get him to go for the second date. Now he never initiates conversations since our last date. I don’t know how often I should text or call him before I ask him for another. I’ve tried to give him a few days to see if he initiates contact or follows up on that date but no luck. I don’t really know how often I should contact him (in any form). He does always and quickly respond to my contact but I don’t seem to be making progress. Please help!
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 31, 2016 at 6:07 pm
Hi Gabrielle,
yeah, it looks like he just wanted to make sure you were friends after all.. did you continue your routine that you started during nc?
LG
September 5, 2016 at 3:36 pm
I went out on a date with the man who broke up with me about 6 weeks ago yesterday. I had a mental health disaster and kept freaking out on him and wasn’t dealing with myself. I can’t blame him for running away.
Anyways, I had agreed to coffee but he asked me if I wanted to go to a museum so I agreed. We went and it was great.
He didn’t initially hug me hello, but a little while in I playfully bumped his arm and he grabbed me and hugged me like we used to. I asked him if it was okay I was in his personal space; he said it was. I was the first to initiate hand holding. After the museum we went for a walk and I told him it was okay if he wanted to touch me, and after that he started being affectionate.
We talked a bit about the relationship despite my best intentions. The first time I just apologized for what happened and told him I wouldn’t have wanted him to endure that, and explained to him how I was doing better. He told me why he ran away. He held me and told me he loved me.
The second time it came up we were sitting and talking. He told me he couldn’t stand hearing about me dating other people. I told him I didn’t want to date other people. I asked him if he thought we might be able to get back to where we were. He said that he didn’t want to be worried about it and just go with the flow.
He brought the next mention of it up. He told me he was worried about a weird picture in his bedroom, should someone stumble into his room. And I said that I didn’t want to hear about other people in his bedroom. He asked me “but you have other suitors right?” I just said I wasn’t thinking about that.
We went out to eat, and it was so so good. In the restaurant he mentioned what had happened between us. I reassured him it wasn’t his fault, and explained again how I let my PTSD out of check. Later he said things he regreted we hadn’t done. I said that maybe we still could. And he said “we’ll see, you need to time to figure out your emotional stuff and I need time to sort out my emotions.”
We took the train part way together home. He didn’t kiss me goodbye, but was hugging me and holding my hand the whole entire night.
He also mentioned this girl he was seeing when we first started to see each other before our relationship. I saw online later that he was involved with her social media account. I texted him and said I missed him. I was suprised to get a text back at 2:30 am saying he missed me too. I asked him if he was home and he said he was. I said “I just like to know when people I love are home safe.” We used to check in with each other in the morning and at night when we were together. He started that habit. Anyways, I just feel scared and hopeful and not sure how to read things.
Help?
LG
September 22, 2016 at 3:24 pm
He just canceled coffee “because he doesn’t want to get sick.” I’m getting over a cold. He did offer to bring supplies, but I have that covered.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 23, 2016 at 12:12 pm
That’s not a good sign.. Honestly, your chances keep decreasing when you take longer to build rapport and if he doesn’t see that you’ve really changed
LG
September 21, 2016 at 11:51 pm
Do you think it’s possible to save this? I really love him and miss him every day.
I’m seeing him tomorrow for coffee. I had to invite him to that. I just don’t know how to fix this, or what pages on here will apply to me at this point. Any help or directions please?
LG
September 16, 2016 at 5:48 pm
Also, he was mad because I was a fetish photo shoot and also because he was at a wedding. But I felt like I was his secret.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 18, 2016 at 8:37 pm
As they say, change you first before trying the situation. If you needed to change yourself because your issues are becoming a problem, of course that would improve the situation. Not just with him but for your future relationships too if this doesn’t work out. You take yourself with every relationship, so, change you first.
LG
September 16, 2016 at 5:47 pm
Hey- are you there?
It’s been almost a week since I wigged out on him on the phone. Nothing is fixed. Do I start again? Should I go back and do the full 30-days NC again?
LG
September 14, 2016 at 7:52 pm
He was angry because I was modeling at a fetish club. More jealous than anything else.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 17, 2016 at 7:03 pm
ok, apologize and say that those were drunk texts.. and then lay low after that.
LG
September 13, 2016 at 5:34 pm
I screwed up and was drunk and sent him a ton of upset text messages after a phone call where he was angry at me. I think I broke everything.
Any hints?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 14, 2016 at 6:32 pm
Why was he angry with you?
LG
September 8, 2016 at 4:50 pm
Do you think it’s still possible for him and me to work out?
He did go for me as you guys said after following your tips. But he hasn’t asked me on a second date. Do you have advice on this point?
Thanks for everything.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 9, 2016 at 4:43 pm
honestly it’s really just keeping your game up.. maintaining yourself and keep on being active with your activities.. Maintaining to be the ungettable girl because the less you demand and the more you improve yourself and make every talk or meet fun, he may think you’re thr better choice.. especially if you’re not always available always because it creates mystery
LG
September 7, 2016 at 7:59 pm
Hey,
Sorry to be a pest, I just wanted to make sure you saw my comment above. As always, I really appreciate your insight.
Can I fix this relationship? Or how can I improve my chances? Should I go back to NC?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 8, 2016 at 2:48 pm
It’s ok Lg. I understand but I don’t think it’s about the date or anything you did. Whether that happened or not, he’s just really progressing things with her. Don’t confront him. Just continue on with your own activities and keep improving yourself and avoid any emotional talk.
LG
September 7, 2016 at 4:05 pm
I saw on his Amazon, which is logged onto my computer, that he bought lingerie for someone. I think he’s seeing this other girl. I think I pushed him by being insecure after the date.
Can you help me fix things?
LG
September 6, 2016 at 4:55 pm
We’ve been texting a bit today, but my stupid phone is buggy and it called him unbeknownst to me. It was only a 6 second call but I texted him and told him sorry my phone is glitchy still and I’m getting it looked at on Thursday. Is this a terrible move?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 7, 2016 at 8:53 am
oh sorry. I mean dont expect too much so that you wont get dissapointed. Dont expect too much too soon so that you can keep building rapport.
It’s ok to ask him again. And dont worry about the missed call, he probably doesnt think much about it.
And him saying he’s protective of you, is a good sign. just remember, take it slow
LG
September 6, 2016 at 4:26 pm
Also- sorry for so many comments:
Can I ask to see him again, or should I wait for him to make another date with me?
LG
September 6, 2016 at 3:34 pm
Thanks for the quick response.
What do you mean by “set your expectations so you know how to play the game”?
I’m not sure if he’s seeing this other girl but it seems likely. How should I face that down? Or should I just avoid it for now?
Do you think I sullied things with my stupid texts yesterday? I texted this morning saying “sorry if I upset you with my question about T—-, we just didn’t discuss other people were dating so I didn’t know.” and then “thanks for being so sweet in response to my question about spending my sister’s birthday with me.”
He replied “I do feel protective of you, no matter our relationship status.”
Does any of this mean anything?
LG
September 5, 2016 at 11:17 pm
I think I messed it up since I left this comment.
I wrote him a text asking him if he could spend Sept. 10th with me, which is the birthday of my sister who died. He didn’t get back to me, so I wrote another text saying sorry if that was too much. He said nothing. Then two hours passed and nothing still so I said “I know you’re busy but I’m feeling exposed here”. He replied right away that he’d be out of state. I asked where. He said california. I had had a drink and I stupidly said “Are you going with T—-“, the girl he had been seeing while he was seeing me in the beginning and the girl he mentioned on our date yestserday. He said “why does it matter?” and then immediately said “No, not going with her.” I asked what he was doing there, and he said a wedding. I apologized for asking about her. He didn’t respond. Then I asked “are you receiving me?” and he said “driving.” This is despite telling me he was doing house stuff all day.
I sent a photo of some chefs playing uno at a place I was at, as uno was an old joke we had. Now I think I’ve messed up everything. Should i just give up now?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 6, 2016 at 2:10 pm
Lg don’t rush things. It was a good first date. Control what you can and let go of things that you can’t. Build rapport slowly but don’t demand or expect too much. Set your expectations so that you know how to play the game. Don’t be a gnat and clinger. Take the road of the ungetttable girl. Plan seeds of good fun memories, maintain yourself but don’t be demanding. You had a good start from the date. You just have to lay low now.
LG
September 5, 2016 at 3:51 pm
I just wonder if he was trying to tell me kindly to move on by talking about me dating other people. When I said I didn’t want to date others, he said “I just want you to be happy.”
I just want this part to be over, and for us to be okay again. I even called a telephone psychic, who said we’d be okay in the fall.
What if I already Sarah'ed it?? Can I still Kai??
July 12, 2016 at 1:49 am
Before even thinking to read online about how to get him back, I started doing pretty much what your plan lays out, naturally. I observed NC for over a month, the first text I sent wasn’t received well because I was too direct/aggressive, so I laid off for another few weeks, then I started texting things like I see taught in your methods, almost perfectly in the cycle you teach. He responded! Really positively in fact, and sent me pictures of him and his kids out doing things fun on the weekends. Then a couple of weeks later I called and asked if we could get together for a beer – nothing heavy, we don’t have to talk about anything, I just miss our laughter and the fun we always had and want to get together. Yes, let’s meet! We met the next night and talked for a couple of hours. He was cold and distant even though he had been excited on the phone, but he was there, and I feel like that meant something. At that point it had been over two months since we broke up. Then I ruined it. When we were saying goodbye, I guess I made a weird face at the less than affectionate hug he gave me (I definitely had high expectations for the night, and recall I’d never read a word of any get him back method up to this point…) So he steps way back and says, look I just don’t want to get back together. And I asked why was he here? And he said I thought you just wanted to catch up, and I said that I had said I missed him and I thought he would decipher what my motive was. Then we had a two hour argument (our FIRST real argument ever) about the end of our relationship, which ended amicably and I guess mutually, even though I didn’t want it. But truth be told, I don’t think he did either, I just didn’t fight for it, and maybe he wanted to see me care. Anyway, he’s never responded to me again after that night, a month ago now. I sent a Father’s Day card, texted twice and called once – he didn’t answer. One thing he said that night was that he’d rather die than have a relationship with this type of conflict again (like he had in his marriage and with other girlfriends). So, even though this was our FIRST heated argument, and we’d always just talked about things within our relationship, I guess now I’m lumped in that same category of women who make him feel that way now.
If I give it time, can I try again, doing it right this time, or is it done?
Thanks.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 12, 2016 at 4:15 pm
Hi,
hmmm it will take a long time…apologize first and then maybe after 6 months to 1 year if you really changed and he sees that, then there might be a chance
Danish
July 9, 2016 at 1:07 pm
Hi! I was in a long distance relationship for 13 months (i traveled to him almost every weekend, because i can travel for free and he has his own home), the last few months were very rocky.. I felt that i wasn’t his ”number 1” anymore. I became very down and clingy/needy. He then broke up saying he didn’t feel it anymore.. I was texting him and calling him in the week after, and he confessed that the source was that he fell in love with another girl, but never pursued it but that made him question his love for me. Now i am in NC for 9 days, but i know that he is nearby where i live 18 days away from now, and he will be there for 4 days. For how long shall I remain the NC? i thought 20 days because of the long distance and him being closer to me in 18 days. Because the meet up (first date) would be more possible to arrange that way… What do you think is the best?
Danish
July 10, 2016 at 8:30 am
NO not right away. There are 11 days after the NC until he is nearby. So i thought 9/10 days texting and maybe calling, and then meetup. Or is that to soon?
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 10, 2016 at 8:45 pm
almost two weeks? hmmm it’s cool..just don’t make the first meet up romantic. Make it short and use it to leave a good memory of you
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 9, 2016 at 6:02 pm
Hi Danish,
you mean you’re going to meet up right away after nc?
Kels
July 9, 2016 at 5:04 am
My ex asked me out on our first date since our breakup. But now he’s thrown me for a loop. He invited me to a family event right before we were originally going to meet up. And I live almost 2 hours from him and used to stay over a lot. He told me I could stay if I wanted to because he really wanted me to. Obviously, I won’t stay, but is it ok to go to a family event and then our originally planned date for our first date?
Thanks Chris/Amor!
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 9, 2016 at 4:54 pm
Hi kels,
yeah..that’s ok just stay light and cool during the event..no heavy talk
Help
June 13, 2016 at 12:20 am
Hi,
My bf broke up with me in December, he didn’t really give a reason for the break up. I did he 30 days no contact, and built rapport though texts like you said. We started going out on dates April-May. at the beginning he was asking me out of all of them, then it seemed like he slowly started to lose interest. For around a month we were seeing each other about twice a week, we went on romantic dates, and it was like we were back dating. Now I have not seen him for about 3 weeks, he still texts me. But when I suggest we go out he makes a lame excuse, and is less flirty with the texts. He is slowly fading away, and I think that if I don’t do anything, it will fade into nothing.
I am thinking of either doing another 30 no contact, or try to meet with him or call him and say something along the lines of ” I’m not ready to jump back into a relationship, and neither are you. I want your happiness and It seems like you need to go away for a while and be alone to figure out what you want. I hope that I am still here when you are ready, because until then I need someone who wants to be with me.”
I know that I will lose him by saying that, but it seems like I will lose him anyways, and other than that, another no contact is the only thing I could think of.
Thoughts?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 17, 2016 at 11:44 am
Hi Help,
have you contnued your activities in no contact? were you always available when you talked to each other again?
Help!
June 5, 2016 at 10:45 pm
Hi,
My bf broke up with me in December, he didn’t really give a reason for the break up. I did he 30 days no contact, and built rapport though texts like you said. We started going out on dates April-May. at the beginning he was asking me out of all of them, then it seemed like he slowly started to lose interest. For around a month we were seeing each other about twice a week, we went on romantic dates, and it was like we were back dating. Now I have not seen him for about 3 weeks, he still texts me. But when I suggest we go out he makes a lame excuse, and is less flirty with the texts. He is slowly fading away, and I think that if I don’t do anything, it will fade into nothing.
I am thinking of either doing another 30 no contact, or try to meet with him or call him and say something along the lines of ” I’m not ready to jump back into a relationship, and neither are you. I want your happiness and It seems like you need to go away for a while and be alone to figure out what you want. I hope that I am still here when you are ready, because until then I need someone who wants to be with me.”
I know that I will lose him by saying that, but it seems like I will lose him anyways, and other than that, another no contact is the only thing I could think of.
Thoughts?
Help
June 17, 2016 at 1:24 am
Any ideas?!?! Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 18, 2016 at 2:54 pm
oh sorry, I think I might have skipped you.. It looks you’re going too fast with him.. are you in nc again?
Elle
June 5, 2016 at 3:45 pm
Any advice on what should happen after a date? We’ve met up to catch up on things but haven’t really texted each other since then.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 12, 2016 at 11:07 am
Hi Elle,
Oh it looks there wasn’t really an attraction built enough before you met.. During the nc did you start to improve yourself, to go out with friends, to meet new people and be active in posting it and did you continue doing it after nc?