Hearing your ex say something like “leave me alone” or ” I never want to see you again” can feel like a dealbreaker or failure when you’re trying to get them back, but it doesn’t always have to be that way.
That’s right, being told to leave your ex alone doesn’t have to be a complete stop sign on your journey to getting them back.
Today, I’m going to explore how you can turn that into more of a yield sign so you can slow down, and still make progress towards getting them back.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWill They Come Back If They Told Me To Leave Them Alone?
First things first, is it even possible to get an ex back after they asked you to leave them alone?
Yes, absolutely.
I know this for a fact because I do something really unique by interviewing success stories of our program so we can assess what actually worked when trying to get their exes back. A lot of those success stories have heard the classic “leave me alone” line and well, they’re success stories so it was obviously possible to overcome that.
What you SHOULD do to get an ex back after he told you to leave him alone is closely linked to what you SHOULDN’T do…
- Don’t push your ex.
- Don’t blow up his phone, begging for him back.
- Don’t immediately start making promises of changing yourself.
If your ex specifically asks to be left alone, the worst thing you could do is get on your hands and knees and plead them to take you back.
So, Does An Ex Really Mean It When He Says To Leave Him Alone?
This is not the time to let your insecurities get the best of you.
When an ex says he wants to be left alone, 9 times out of 10, he means just that. He needs space- space to get away from you, and process his emotions. If you had a really negative, emotionally charged breakup it is completely natural for him to desire solitude, and if you keep pushing he might think you don’t care about him.
Often times, pushing someone into doing something they don’t want to do just makes them more defensive.
Another thing it does is negatively affect your ex’s perception of you. If your last interaction was you literally begging for them back, they’re going to sit there and think that you’re always going to be trying to get them back.
Now if you couple that with some of the strategies you learn from us, your ex might start thinking they’re better than you. They’ll think that because you begged for them back, they have you wrapped around their finger and that’s obviously not a great way to start off a new relationship, assuming you’re trying to get them back.
So, let’s take the worst-case scenario one in which your ex has said leave me alone, to which you’ve begged them to take you back and they basically think they’re better than you. How do you overcome that?
How Do You Make Them Want You Back?
The very first thing that you need to do is get them to overcome that negative perception they have of you.
Now I have talked extensively about how to do this on other articles, my youtube channel, and my podcast, so feel free to look around for more laborious details.
I’m not going to go into too many details today but I do want to address the biggest mistake people make in this process:
The biggest mistake people make is thinking they can change their ex’s negative perception of them overnight.
Ever heard “Rome wasn’t built in a day”?
Well, your ex’s trust and perception of you isn’t exactly Rome but it can still realistically take weeks if not months to successfully change your ex’s negative perception of you.
I was recently talking to a friend about this very concept.
Now, this is an extremely good looking guy who can get any girl he wants but I asked him if he’d ever broken up with an ex and then gotten them to ask for him back.
He said he had and that the key to making his ex open up to the idea of being together again was changing the negative perception she had about him. He especially stressed how it could even take a year or more for this to successfully happen.
His strategy was basically to talk to his ex and say or show them things that directly make them think that he’s different from what they thought he was. He even used social media to carefully post things that over the years made his ex realize that he’s a new and improved man.
So yeah, definitely not an overnight process.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizChanging your ex’s negative perception of you takes time, honest dedicated efforts, and a lot of patience. And if you haven’t noticed, having patience during a highly emotional time like a breakup is not easy.
That’s where the no contact rule comes in.
What Is The No Contact Rule?
The no contact rule is the most successful and widely recommended post-breakup strategy that basically entails ignoring your ex for a set amount of time while working on improving yourself.
So, if your ex reaches out you cannot reply to them and if you feel the urge to talk to them you must resist it. The usual no contact rule is anywhere between 21 to 45 days because that is the time frame where we see the most success.
While we’re big believers in the no contact rule, it’s not for the reason you may think.
Most people incorrectly assume that the no contact rule works because their ex misses them during that time.
Well, we’ve found that while that’s true, it’s not the whole picture. The true key to a no contact rule is in how you use that time to change your ex’s perception of you.
You can look at changing your ex’s perception of you as a two-step process during the no contact rule:
Challenging and breaking down your ex’s current perception of you. Creating and cementing a new, more positive perception
Now if your ex told you to leave him alone, he probably expects you to beg for him back. So when you immediately implement the no contact rule, you’re actively challenging his perception.
That’s intriguing for him and it helps shake the negative clingy perception he may have of you.
Now, on the other hand, your goal should be to use the no contact rule in a way where you cultivate your interests and focus on things other than your ex so you can fall in love with the idea of dating yourself.
When you truly work on yourself and try new things, your ex will see you as a different person, a person who he wants to know more about.
While you’re at it, why not openly share your new interests and accomplishments on social media so your ex takes note and starts building up a better perception of you.
All that sounds great but it is only the start. Leaving your ex alone when they ask you to is a good way to challenge their perception but it’s not enough because eventually, you need to have a conversation with them.
How To Have A Proper Conversation With Your Ex
The no contact rule is a perfect time to research about your ex’s interests and get more involved in them so you can have a deeper conversation about what they like. That’s kind of the easy part though.
The harder part, as shared by almost all our success stories, is navigating the conflict in a conversation.
Now that conflict might be because your is mad about you completely ignoring them or it could be about something specific that you said. Either way, a great technique to handle such conflicts is to employ tactical empathy.
What is tactical empathy?
Tactical empathy is something I learned about from one of my favorite books – Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. Voss was one of the FBI’s lead negotiators and he discusses the importance of tactical empathy in high-risk conflict situations.
While breakups and arguments don’t have the same stakes as a hostage situation with lives hanging in the balance, the idea of tactical empathy can still greatly help you.
Tactical empathy is basically understanding and seeing the world through your opponent’s (or your ex’s in this case) point of view and explicitly showing that you empathize with it.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAll your ex truly wants is for you to LISTEN to them and see their world view. The best way to show them you can do that is by summarizing their situation back to them.
A few examples of what to say include:
“It seems like you’re upset because _____”
“It sounds like you’re saying _____”
“It feels like you’re thinking _____”
When you use phrases like these you’re showing your ex that you’re trying to understand where they’re coming from and you acknowledge their feelings. The moment you do this, their defenses immediately go down because they feel like you truly get them and are here to listen.
You’re also opening up the floor to them by labeling their emotions and then letting them expand on them as much as they’d like.
This even works well for other situations in life, for example, a business meeting with a disgruntled client.
So your client is mad about two things – your prices and your lack of technical support. You already know that there are no immediate solutions you can offer them. What do you do?
The best thing would be to label and validate their concerns right off the bat. This is not the time to be overly technical or goal-oriented, it’s time to let your client vent.
Say something like “I know you’re concerned about these two issues and you feel like you have not been getting our full attention. I hear your complaints and am here to help.”
This disarms them immediately and allows them to open up to what you have to say. So, regardless of whether you’re tackling an important corporate client or trying to get back in your ex’s good graces, tactical empathy is the way to go.
Conclusion:
Your ex can definitely come back even after they told you to leave them alone but for that to happen you need to change their negative perceptions of you.
The best way to do that is to first give them their space by enacting a no contact rule and then using that time to become a better version of yourself.
When you finally end the no contact rule and talk to your ex, use tactical empathy by showing them that you can see their world view so they open up to you more easily.
Karen newton
October 6, 2022 at 10:24 pm
Me and my ex was together for 8 years he a step-dad to my oldest son and we have a 7 year old boy together he broke up with me because I let my oldest son see his farther for the first time in literally 6 years of course he a truck driver out there on the road started no contact as he told me to leave him alone he doesn’t even call to ask about his son . I have no clue if he seeing someone else but I have a feeling he has for the past 3 months and flip it on me to give him a reason of to why he dumped me I didn’t do anythang wrong with my baby daddy just let him see his son . He has been acting weird he has said alot of hurtful things like he don’t love me he wish I was dead but then he said he will come home and talk I honestly don’t even know what this talk going to be about . He also said he won’t take our son from me and will let me still be there he made a new social media account in a truck stop bathroom but he looks so depressed like he been crying . I just don’t know what to do . I’m still doing my Thang and trying to be a better person I haven’t cried in a few weeks he broke up with me on September 18th the day we got together 8 years ago one of his social media pages still has me on it as his profile picture and pictures of me everywhere on it . It’s a huge mess . Manely just worried about what’s going to happen when he comes home in a few weeks
Roslyn Casey
March 14, 2022 at 11:48 pm
My ex literally said this to me just yesterday. He is already with someone officially a month after splitting with me but in reality 4 days after we split. I’ve only messaged when I’ve had to, before yesterday was a good 3 weeks. Then I told him I don’t hate him and thank you for the money. Then he told me to leave him alone? I didn’t say a word about the breakup just what I had to in regards to financial stuff. So now I’m regrouping but don’t know what else to do until his monkey brancher side kicks in? He ran off wirh a 50 year old I’m 35 he’s 32. Currently working on a revenge body
Roslyn Casey
March 13, 2022 at 12:20 am
My ex said this very thing to me today. He overlapped and monkey branched within 4 days. Made themselves Facebook official last month. I message only when I have to. Ie finances. He’s 32 I’m 35 we was together 8 years and he told me he doesn’t see a future. I’m over the breakup pain almost, but that stung I thought he’d at least be civil. His current relationship is a 50 year old woman. I’m going to disappear off his radar permanently for now. Any chance at all? I failed the initial no contact. I think I just made it worse. We have too many mutual friends and they’ve all took his side, even though he did wrong?
Roslyn Casey
March 12, 2022 at 4:35 pm
Had to contact the ex today to know about a code for the safe. I’ve tried no contact and only as and when and literally just got told “will you just leave me alone!” Never seen this side to him. Needles to say 4 days after we split he’s with another woman I warned him about? I’ve barely messaged except when I’ve had to
Skyee
December 4, 2020 at 11:06 pm
Hi recently my ex broke up with me because I’ve said hurtful words that he can’t accept because it was below the belt that I am too much he said this would be the last time that we will broke he said he has done everything he could to fight for our relationship i begged him pretty much to comeback He said i need to accept that we should seperate ways and it is better for our future because i can’t handle it anymore
Rila
December 1, 2020 at 7:33 am
My ex (24m) and I (22f) broke up back in late August due to him being stressed out with his own personal stuff. Covid related issues such as his grandparents contracting it, him having to take extra work hours to help take care of them and his mother, his house, etc. So he didn’t have much time left for me and he felt like he wasn’t being a good bf since he wasn’t able to give me the time end energy he feels I deserve so we broke up. I was hurt and immediately started begging but backed off after we had a heated discussion about it. I’d mailed him a self care package the day before the break up so it arrived a few days later- he thanked me for it and was very sweet, I left him on read and did my 21 days of no contact. When I messaged him again he immediately responded and was very positive, we chatted for a few days and even made plans to see each other but he canceled due to sickness (dunno if that was true or he was just scared) but we kept rescheduling up up until around mid October) Finally we just stopped and stuck with regular texting and snapping, he told me he was just very depressed and stressed, he works 12+ hr days, and I respected and understood but was slowly starting to get him back as he started to be okay with me using his pet name and telling him I love him and all that good stuff. I was pretty sure he and I were “talking” again, not dating but pretty close. Then halloween night came along and I remember asking him if he would be working an extra hour because of daylight savings (he works graveyard shift), he left me on read which upset me so I just said I’d leave him alone and talk to him later. He flipped out, said “K” and blocked me on snapchat, I was hurt so I texted him and he told me he was just super upset and didn’t want to talk about it, then blocked my number. My ex is a relatively emotional person when it comes to those he cares for deeply and I’m 99% sure he responded hurt like this because I backed off of him which he’s hot and cold with. I left him alone most of November and sent him a text from my sisters phone stating that I would give him some weeks and hoped to see him for his birthday (last week), he never responded which I expected. I ended up just mailing him his birthday gift and texted him happy birthday. He responded quickly and said he wanted to return the gift because he didn’t feel like he deserved it but was thankful and appreciative. We chatted a little bit back and forth but he just kept saying he wants space and didn’t want to talk to me or anyone as of right now, he and I are both pretty sure he’s been suffering from a depressive episode since around May, but it’s gotten worse these past three months. Covids really destroyed him, because he hasn’t been himself for a while, he doesn’t do anything he loves and I can’t seem to get through to him, I love him deeply and just want to help him be happy again but he pushes me away whenever I try. Ik he cares about me and he stated pretty firmly that he didn’t want to break up he just didn’t think it was fair to see me sad over him and wanted time to work on himself. I dont think there is another woman, and I dont think he’d lie to me, he’s a straightforward serious person when the time calls for it. What do you think I should do? I’m starting to lose hope, this halloween was the first time he’s blocked me during our break up period. Please help.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 30, 2020 at 11:43 am
Hi Rita, I understand you feel that you want to help him be happier and move passed this depression that he is feeling. However, that is not something you are going to be able to do no matter what actions you take. This is HIS mental health, it needs to be him who does the work, you could be supportive through it if you were his girlfriend, but he chose to do this alone. You need to stick with a no contact for 45 days and focus on yourself for now, move past the break up and focus on being happy yourself without him in your life for now. There is still hope you can get him back, but I don’t think it will be while he is in this frame of mind. Stop sending gifts and cards etc, this isn’t going to help get him back.
Lisa
November 3, 2020 at 9:57 pm
We were together for 4 years. It has been 11 years been Since our breakup but honestly it feels like yesteday. He wanted to marry me back then but I said I needed time. During that time he found somebody else.
It was a long distance relationship. I found out form a family friend that the girl he is now married too they were gona go through a divorce few years back am presuming as they weren’t getting on, but now they back together.
Recently been missing him so messaged him. He has ignored me for past 11 years now and again when I would message but last few days when I asked him how are you he would reply saying am fine but it’s not appropriate being in contact. When I messaged him again he said pls don’t message me again but wasn’t sounding rude.
Can’t he even have one proper convo with me it’s nice to see what the other person is upto as we were close for 4 years about 11 years ago.
Do you think he means it when he says pls don’t message me. Or u think he’s playing hard to get. As some men like being chased and the attention. I can’t see him being 109 percent faithful to his wife so it’s not that he can’t speak with me.
What do u think he’s trying to say to me?
Do u think there’s still some kind of hope or u think he genuinely hates me and doesn’t want to speak to me ever again. I keep changing my Whatsapp pics to lure him perhaps it may remind him about our relationship when we were together.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 4, 2020 at 7:52 pm
Hi Lisa, I’m sorry but I think you need to read some articles on this website and spend sometime working on yourself. Starting with a No Contact for 45 days where you focus on yourself, work on your career health and wealth. Focusing on your friendships rather than your ex for now. Then after the 45 days you can attempt to reach out to your ex and see if you can create conversation from one of the texts that Chris suggests in his articles.
Sarah
November 1, 2020 at 12:00 pm
We were together for 6 years. We talked on the phone everyday and fell asleep together over the phone every night (long distance relationship). Then he said he just doesn’t feel anything for me. He cares a lot anD I’m an awesome person, his best friend, but he just can’t give me what I’m looking for. I feel truely broken and don’t know what to do. I’ve started NC. It’s been 6 days. I haven’t engaged in any social media. He doesn’t use social media and I’ve tried to focus on myself but my thought go back to him in everything I do. I’m really struggling and want him back. Please help!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 1, 2020 at 8:20 pm
Hi Sarah, you need to take this time to be kind to yourself and know it takes time to get over break ups and start to feel stronger. You need to take each day as it comes and understand that it is going to get easier with time, just keep working on yourself and doing what you can to move past your pain.
J
October 31, 2020 at 1:00 pm
Hi!
My ex and I were together for 6 years. He told me one day that he needed me to leave him alone for good. I was shocked. He said he didnt have any feelings for me anymore but it was just too sudden for me.
We have not contacted each other since we broke up and it has been close to 30 days since NC.
How should I text him after NC?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 31, 2020 at 4:00 pm
Hi J, if you can say that you have worked on yourself during you NC and completed the No contact with out cyber stalking your ex or breaking at any point then yes you can reach out to your ex, but make sure that you are using Chris’ methods so that your ex is interested in what you have to say. Make sure that you read articles on how the texting phase should work
Unknown
October 31, 2020 at 12:09 pm
Hi
So me and my ex was together for 8 years we share 2 children together, and was engaged we split up around 8 weeks ago, I didn’t follow the no contact in fact we literally spoke every day it could have been a argument or we had a laugh we still slept together thought out the spit, we got back together around 3 weeks ago and we didn’t fix the problem we literally picked up where we left off, he has now ended things again and says he doesn’t love me like he used to, and doesn’t want to ever speak to him again. When he came back the first time he told me he loved me every day, he would do anything to make us work literally everything I wanted to hear. I am still in love with him and think about him every day I would just really appreciate some advice of what I am best doing
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 31, 2020 at 4:20 pm
Hey there, so you would need to follow the limited no contact rule for 30 days only speak about your children when you need to or have to. Otherwise NC. And work on yourself in that time. Start reading articles and there are a few on here about when you share children with your ex. You need to focus on the issues that caused the break up on your part, and just hope that he deals with his own issues in the mean time. Him seeing you doing better is going to throw him off a little too as he is not going to expect you to be happy and carefree when you normally would be in touch chasing him to come back.
Angelina
October 31, 2020 at 5:12 am
Me and my boyfriend was together for more than 7+ years and ours is of course long distance relationship. We had a lot of ups and downs in our relationship. we again patched up 3 months ago. The thing was going on smoothly. Last month he left his hometown for his job where he already used to work before lockdown. 3 days before he was very depressed and I asked what happened and he replied that he fallen in love his colleague and she already had a boyfriend. And said he want to forget her and asked me to tell an idea. I was totally broken at that time. And as of now he is not loving anyone and said that he doesnt have belief in love anymore. I dont know what to do now. Whether I should talk to him or I will give him sometime. I love him very much. I know definitely he will come back. And he doesnt want me to go away from him. What should I do now?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 31, 2020 at 3:07 pm
Hi Angelina, you need to give your ex some space he has made a big change to his life so he could be unsure of how he feels right now. Reach out after a 30 day no contact where you have spent that time focusing on yourself.
Camille
October 28, 2020 at 10:54 am
Hi!
I was recently ended things with a guy I had been with for 4 years. He left me unexpectedly for a 25 yr old, he is 40. He says he has a bigger connection with her and that they shared more in common. Because she knows about me he suggested we fit ties. I’m obviously hurt by the fact I was traded in for a younger model. Want to work on myself…but I also wonder if I should move on or would a reach out later would be worth it…advice please?!!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 28, 2020 at 8:48 pm
Hey Camille, working on yourself and following a 45 day No Contact is your first two steps. Near the end of your NC you can decide if you want to try and get your ex back or not, you don’t have to decide that right now, you just have to focus on you and heal from the pain you are in right now
Unknown
October 26, 2020 at 7:41 pm
Me and my ex boyfriend have been split up for 5 years but every 1-2 years we come back into contact and start talking like everything was back to the way it was. About 6 months ago, my ex came back saying he regret his decision not to get back with me and that he loved me and we started off going well. However, something bad happened about 2 months in which made him become distant, we stopped talking and then I found out he had started dating another girl, which he later said was a way to fill the emptiness he felt. I then got a message one night telling me he had dumped her, but the next day they got back together and I got blocked on everything – phone calls, text, Facebook. I tried reaching out to him to speak via email, even went to his apartment to try and talk but nothing seemed to work. However, about 3 days ago I noticed he had unblocked me on Facebook and even phone call. Can you advise where I sit with my current situation please?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 28, 2020 at 5:24 am
Hey P, so you need to allow some time to pass before reaching out to your ex, but it seems that he blocked you because of the new girlfriend. So if she is still in the picture, then understand that he is going to attempt to hide conversation with you or re block you if she sees that you messaged him. Now you are unblocked I would suggest that you reach out after 10 days of being unblocked.
T
October 22, 2020 at 10:22 pm
Hi,
Me and my now ex boyfriend started dating while we were 16-17, and are now 19 almost 20. We were together for two and a half years and were every serious and committed. We were very clear about what we wanted from the beginning and were dating to marry eachother. We lived together for three months and had a few disagreements and he ended up breaking up with me about two months ago. He gave me the usual reasons and said he needed time, space, and that the spark was gone. He ended up messaging me the day after I returned to my home state and we talked for a while. I ended up being a gnat and pushing him away a little. I went on a no contact that lasted about 10 days and he reached out with an emotional message that i could not ignore. We talked every few days and i ended up being a gnat again. He previously has said that if our paths cross in the future we can try again, that he cares about me more than I know, he is glad that we can talk, and that getting close again might help. But more recently he has said that he thinks it might be true that it would be fair to give it another try since we have worked on ourselves but that he just can’t do it. That he can’t be all in with me anymore and that we should move on. What should I do? Would talking to him and re-establishing a connection with him be beneficial? I don’t want to get too far away from him and grow to far apart.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 28, 2020 at 2:15 am
Hey T, once you have completed your No Contact and worked on yourself and your Holy Trinity then yes reach out to your ex if you want to try and get him back.
Violet
October 11, 2020 at 7:18 pm
I’m not even sure how to explain this but here it goes. Eleven years ago I met a guy online in a chat and we remained friends until January of this year. We decided we deserved a chance and planned to meet in March. We had everything set up and covid happened. We live two states apart. We rescheduled everything for August. During all those months everything was fine, we were excited to see each other. At the end of July he went on a hike with a friend without mentioning it to me, which was fine because I never kept tabs on him. But when the days went by and he seemed to have disappeared I started getting worried. He’s not the kind to just disappear, while he was missing it hit me just how deeply I feel about him. When he came back he explained that he and his buddy had gotten lost and that he hurt his knee and lost his phone in a river. I didn’t care because I was just glad that he was okay and back. But then he proceeded to tell me that there is a girl in his group of friends that “everyone knows I’ll end up with” he told me that she was with his parents during the time he was missing. I was furious because I was upset and I wanted to be with his parents too but I had no way of contacting them. I told him that if he wanted to be with her I would remove myself completely. I only asked that he tell me that she was his happiness. But he couldn’t do it, he said he was torn in half. It’s now October and well I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should walk away or continue to give him space to figure things out. He’s known her for twenty years and they have been on and off for that period of time. Their families are close, even having been on trips together. I know I have no place in his life but my one complain was that he had twenty years with her and couldn’t figure it out. Don’t I deserve a chance? A real chance. To which he said he agrees that I do. However he still has no answer as to when he would be able to come see me. Any advice would help. Please. I’m so lost. Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 24, 2020 at 9:07 pm
Hi Violet, I wouldn’t really know to advice you more than just setting a date (in your own mind) to when you are willing to wait for him to decide and if he doesn’t make a decision by said date that you accept that it is over and you need to move on with your life as he is not going to give you a real chance as he isn’t willing to give you both that chance
P
October 11, 2020 at 1:31 pm
Hi:
What can I do if his new girlfriend has isolated him from everything and everyone? He doesn’t talk with friends, got distant from his family and even abandoned the university after two days of his last course because she (manipulative and toxic) couldn’t stand him being far (it was a LDR) because she’s extremely clingy and jealous, so he moved with her (they’ve been together for three months), with her paying everything and buying him expensive gifts all the time and claiming that he’s the most perfect boyfriend ever and their relationship that perfect that she wishes everyone to have a love “which is half good as ours is”. Awful.
He doesn’t check my snaps anymore, probably none of my social media, so even if I’m playing the UG game better than ever, it wouldn’t work. And, of course, I am in NC since more than two months ago and, in this situation, using the “being there” method is impossible. What can I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 22, 2020 at 9:07 pm
Hi P, if he new GF has actually cut him off from his world, then their relationship is doomed from the start, it is going to be a matter of time before they fall out. You in the mean time need to work on yourself, so that you are the best version of yourself when he starts to realise that he made a mistake being with this one. You need to make sure that you follow the advice for being UG and then reach out to him after 45 days, even if you think there is no point doing the being there method, your presence will be enough to enter his mind when he sees the message from you. It is all about the timing of things that matters.