Hearing your ex say something like “leave me alone” or ” I never want to see you again” can feel like a dealbreaker or failure when you’re trying to get them back, but it doesn’t always have to be that way.
That’s right, being told to leave your ex alone doesn’t have to be a complete stop sign on your journey to getting them back.
Today, I’m going to explore how you can turn that into more of a yield sign so you can slow down, and still make progress towards getting them back.
Will They Come Back If They Told Me To Leave Them Alone?
First things first, is it even possible to get an ex back after they asked you to leave them alone?
I know this for a fact because I do something really unique by interviewing success stories of our program so we can assess what actually worked when trying to get their exes back. A lot of those success stories have heard the classic “leave me alone” line and well, they’re success stories so it was obviously possible to overcome that.
What you SHOULD do to get an ex back after he told you to leave him alone is closely linked to what you SHOULDN’T do…
- Don’t push your ex.
- Don’t blow up his phone, begging for him back.
- Don’t immediately start making promises of changing yourself.
If your ex specifically asks to be left alone, the worst thing you could do is get on your hands and knees and plead them to take you back.
So, Does An Ex Really Mean It When He Says To Leave Him Alone?
This is not the time to let your insecurities get the best of you.
When an ex says he wants to be left alone, 9 times out of 10, he means just that. He needs space- space to get away from you, and process his emotions. If you had a really negative, emotionally charged breakup it is completely natural for him to desire solitude, and if you keep pushing he might think you don’t care about him.
Often times, pushing someone into doing something they don’t want to do just makes them more defensive.
Another thing it does is negatively affect your ex’s perception of you. If your last interaction was you literally begging for them back, they’re going to sit there and think that you’re always going to be trying to get them back.
Now if you couple that with some of the strategies you learn from us, your ex might start thinking they’re better than you. They’ll think that because you begged for them back, they have you wrapped around their finger and that’s obviously not a great way to start off a new relationship, assuming you’re trying to get them back.
So, let’s take the worst-case scenario one in which your ex has said leave me alone, to which you’ve begged them to take you back and they basically think they’re better than you. How do you overcome that?
How Do You Make Them Want You Back?
The very first thing that you need to do is get them to overcome that negative perception they have of you.
I’m not going to go into too many details today but I do want to address the biggest mistake people make in this process:
The biggest mistake people make is thinking they can change their ex’s negative perception of them overnight.
Ever heard “Rome wasn’t built in a day”?
Well, your ex’s trust and perception of you isn’t exactly Rome but it can still realistically take weeks if not months to successfully change your ex’s negative perception of you.
I was recently talking to a friend about this very concept.
Now, this is an extremely good looking guy who can get any girl he wants but I asked him if he’d ever broken up with an ex and then gotten them to ask for him back.
He said he had and that the key to making his ex open up to the idea of being together again was changing the negative perception she had about him. He especially stressed how it could even take a year or more for this to successfully happen.
His strategy was basically to talk to his ex and say or show them things that directly make them think that he’s different from what they thought he was. He even used social media to carefully post things that over the years made his ex realize that he’s a new and improved man.
So yeah, definitely not an overnight process.
Changing your ex’s negative perception of you takes time, honest dedicated efforts, and a lot of patience. And if you haven’t noticed, having patience during a highly emotional time like a breakup is not easy.
That’s where the no contact rule comes in.
What Is The No Contact Rule?
The no contact rule is the most successful and widely recommended post-breakup strategy that basically entails ignoring your ex for a set amount of time while working on improving yourself.
So, if your ex reaches out you cannot reply to them and if you feel the urge to talk to them you must resist it. The usual no contact rule is anywhere between 21 to 45 days because that is the time frame where we see the most success.
While we’re big believers in the no contact rule, it’s not for the reason you may think.
Most people incorrectly assume that the no contact rule works because their ex misses them during that time.
Well, we’ve found that while that’s true, it’s not the whole picture. The true key to a no contact rule is in how you use that time to change your ex’s perception of you.
You can look at changing your ex’s perception of you as a two-step process during the no contact rule:
Challenging and breaking down your ex’s current perception of you. Creating and cementing a new, more positive perception
Now if your ex told you to leave him alone, he probably expects you to beg for him back. So when you immediately implement the no contact rule, you’re actively challenging his perception.
That’s intriguing for him and it helps shake the negative clingy perception he may have of you.
Now, on the other hand, your goal should be to use the no contact rule in a way where you cultivate your interests and focus on things other than your ex so you can fall in love with the idea of dating yourself.
When you truly work on yourself and try new things, your ex will see you as a different person, a person who he wants to know more about.
While you’re at it, why not openly share your new interests and accomplishments on social media so your ex takes note and starts building up a better perception of you.
All that sounds great but it is only the start. Leaving your ex alone when they ask you to is a good way to challenge their perception but it’s not enough because eventually, you need to have a conversation with them.
How To Have A Proper Conversation With Your Ex
The no contact rule is a perfect time to research about your ex’s interests and get more involved in them so you can have a deeper conversation about what they like. That’s kind of the easy part though.
The harder part, as shared by almost all our success stories, is navigating the conflict in a conversation.
Now that conflict might be because your is mad about you completely ignoring them or it could be about something specific that you said. Either way, a great technique to handle such conflicts is to employ tactical empathy.
What is tactical empathy?
Tactical empathy is something I learned about from one of my favorite books – Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss. Voss was one of the FBI’s lead negotiators and he discusses the importance of tactical empathy in high-risk conflict situations.
While breakups and arguments don’t have the same stakes as a hostage situation with lives hanging in the balance, the idea of tactical empathy can still greatly help you.
Tactical empathy is basically understanding and seeing the world through your opponent’s (or your ex’s in this case) point of view and explicitly showing that you empathize with it.
All your ex truly wants is for you to LISTEN to them and see their world view. The best way to show them you can do that is by summarizing their situation back to them.
A few examples of what to say include:
“It seems like you’re upset because _____”
“It sounds like you’re saying _____”
“It feels like you’re thinking _____”
When you use phrases like these you’re showing your ex that you’re trying to understand where they’re coming from and you acknowledge their feelings. The moment you do this, their defenses immediately go down because they feel like you truly get them and are here to listen.
You’re also opening up the floor to them by labeling their emotions and then letting them expand on them as much as they’d like.
This even works well for other situations in life, for example, a business meeting with a disgruntled client.
So your client is mad about two things – your prices and your lack of technical support. You already know that there are no immediate solutions you can offer them. What do you do?
The best thing would be to label and validate their concerns right off the bat. This is not the time to be overly technical or goal-oriented, it’s time to let your client vent.
Say something like “I know you’re concerned about these two issues and you feel like you have not been getting our full attention. I hear your complaints and am here to help.”
This disarms them immediately and allows them to open up to what you have to say. So, regardless of whether you’re tackling an important corporate client or trying to get back in your ex’s good graces, tactical empathy is the way to go.
Your ex can definitely come back even after they told you to leave them alone but for that to happen you need to change their negative perceptions of you.
The best way to do that is to first give them their space by enacting a no contact rule and then using that time to become a better version of yourself.
When you finally end the no contact rule and talk to your ex, use tactical empathy by showing them that you can see their world view so they open up to you more easily.