Tell me if this scenario sounds familiar.

You are dating a guy.

Over time your feelings begin to develop from liking him to loving him. Just when it seems like the two of you have hit your stride as a couple he drops a bombshell and breaks up with you.

Some time passes and with it, it seems as if your ex boyfriend has gained a new lease on life.

And with this new life he has a new found respect for your past relationship. In fact, the respect has grown to a level where he is willing to give a relationship with you another shot.

So, you agree to start a new relationship with your ex and things are great between the two of you.

You hold hands like you used to..

He kisses you passionately like he used to…

He makes love to you softly…

All in all, things are looking pretty good in relationship land for the two of you.

However, after some time has passed he calls you up one day to feed you this line,

“Hi, I am just not feeling this anymore. I thought being with you would fix things but it didn’t. I think the two of us should go our separate ways. Bye…”

Does this sound familiar to you?

Welcome To The Ultimate Page For Getting An Ex Boyfriend Back (If You Have Gotten Him Back In The Past)

Hi There!

Welcome to my page on getting an ex boyfriend back (assuming you have already gotten him back in the past before.)

For those of you who are relatively new to this site my name is Chris Seiter,

Jennifer Chris W-194 copy

Yup, that’s me on my wedding day to my lovely wife.

(Yup, I am off the market ladies, sorry..)

I am just going to level with you here.

In my opinion I take horrible pictures. However, the one above (on my wedding day) I absolutely love because I didn’t even know it was being taken so I look natural.

Of course, we had also hired a professional photographer for that picture so I don’t know if that’s why it looks so good or if it’s the fact that I didn’t know a picture was being taken of me.

Anyways the point of telling you all of this is that I am just a regular guy.

In fact, I am pretty sure if you were to ask my wife she would describe me as a stereotypical male in a lot of ways.

Granted, I do have my AWESOME moments but for the most part I am just an average joe with the body of a greek god 😉 .

(Ok, not really…)

I feel it’s very important for you to understand who I am so you know who you are learning from.

Now, I know what you are thinking.

“If you are just an average joe why should I listen to you?”

Good question!

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Why You Should Listen To Me

On top of being an average joe I am also one of the top relationship consultants online.

I currently own and operate two major websites focused specifically on helping men and women repair their relationships with their exes.

I have helped THOUSANDS of women to get back with their exes.

To date, I have 3,940 clients who have purchased one of my best selling books on getting an ex boyfriend back.

Don’t believe me?

Screen Shot 2015-04-20 at 10.09.34 AM

Oh, and here is information on my best selling book on how to get your ex boyfriend back,

ExBoyfriend Recovery PRO

Get the Fairy Tale Feeling Back again with our Step-by-Step Guide to Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back

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But none of that really matters.

The fact of the matter is that all that you care about is my ability to help you.

And that is more than fair.

If I was you that would be all that I cared about.

So, I am going to give it to you straight.

The fact that I am an “average joe” actually gives me incredible insight and knowledge about how the male mind works.

So, using this knowledge and insight I am going to be able teach you a lot about what to do to get your ex boyfriend back if the two of you are constantly getting back together and breaking up again because I know how pretty much all men think. I am one after all.

But before I move on I do want to make a quick promise to you.

My Promise To You

I promise to be straight with you and tell you how things really are.

I also promise to use this page to do everything in my power to substantially raise your chances of getting your ex boyfriend back.

Oh, and what the heck, I will also promise to answer any questions or comments you have in the comments section of this page but don’t be mad if I can’t get to you right away. I am a busy guy after all.

So, what do you say we get to the meat of what this page is about.

What This Page Is About

all about

I am always looking for weaknesses in this site.

Part of my quest to have the best “get your ex back” relationship website in the world means that I constantly have to do audits and go into massive detail on topics that I would have never thought of.

I am always on the lookout for these types of topics.

Well, it turns out that I overlooked one of the most basic topics of them all.

What do you do to get an ex boyfriend back if you have already gotten him back before?

Well, that’s what this page is going to be all about.

I am going to be answering all the questions you have in your head (if you have found yourself in a situation like this.)

I will be covering,

  • On and Off Relationships
  • The Overall Outlook For On Again/Off Again Boyfriends
  • The Game Plan For Getting A Normal Ex Back
  • The Game Plan For Getting An Ex Back In This Particular Situation

Seems like a short guide, huh?

Trust me, it’s not.

Lets start with on and off relationships.

What You Need To Understand About On And Off Relationships

its on

What is an on/off relationship?

Good question!

Ok, imagine that the two of us have started dating in January (I bet your excited 😉 .)

Well, if we were to have an on and off relationship it would mean that we would be dating, go through a breakup and start dating again. This process would happen multiple times.

For example, I mentioned that the two of us started dating in January.

Well, from January to March we are on an “on” phase in which we are dating. Of course, somewhere in March I catch you flirting with some guy and break up with you.

We stay broken up from March to May.

In other words, March – May we are on an “off” phase in which we are not dating.

Sometime in the middle of May you beg for me back and being the great guy that I am I decide to give our relationship another chance. So, from May to August we are in an “on again” phase in which we continue to date.

What happens in August?

You guessed it!

We break up again.

(Coincidentally I catch you flirting with another guy…. You really need to work on that.)

We stay in this “off phase” until November in which we both feel a little lonely and don’t want to be alone on the holidays. So, what do we do?

We start our relationship up again (the on phase.)

Do you see how the on again, off again thing works?

It is like a tennis match where your relationship is the tennis ball.

When it get’s hit to this side of the court,

tennis court

You are considered to be in the “on again” phase.

And when it gets hit to this side,

tennis

You are in the “off again” phase.

The relationship ball keeps getting hit back and forth until one of two things happen.

  1. You stay together permanently
  2. You permanently go your separate ways and move on

Obviously, what I am here to teach you is how to stop the never ending tennis rally and get your ex back permanently (which I bolded above.) However, before I can get into that I would first like to take a step back and look at your overall outlook if you have found yourself in an on again/off again relationship.

The Outlook For On Again/Off Again Ex Boyfriends

on off

Believe it or not but this is something I see quite often on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

I can’t tell you how many times I have come across women who send me a message like this,

“My boyfriend an I were in a bit of an on again, off again relationship (we are in the off again phase right now.) How can I get him back?”

Believe it or not but on again/off again relationships are actually quite common.

According to Psychology Today a study was done in which 752 married couples and 323 couples that were living together were asked if they had ever been in an on again/off again relationship with one another.

Turns out that a lot of them had.

23% of the married couples stated that they were at one point.

And a staggering 37% of couples living together reported the same.

Now, since I am not writing this article specifically for women trying to get with their on again/off again ex husbands (how the heck does that work?) I would like to zone in on the 37% of couples living together that reported that they were in a on again/off again relationship at one point.

323 couples living together were asked that question…

37% of them said yes…

That means that out of the 323 couples surveyed 120 of them were in an on again/off again relationship with their significant other at one point.

You know what that means, right?

120 of the women were able to get their exes back and at the time the study was conducted the couples were all together.

For a very long time I have always had an interesting hypothesis when it came to on again/off again relationships.

The Hypothesis

George Gordon Byron once said,

“History, with all her volumes vast, hath but one page”

In other words, history repeats itself.

That seems to be the case continually throughout history.

  • People will always hate to be taxed…
  • We will always find a reason to start a war…
  • We will always love the fries at McDonalds…

Ok, that last one wasn’t exactly “history worthy” but you get what I am saying.

You know what also repeats itself?

Relationships!

And an ex boyfriend who you were in an on again/off again relationship with is a perfect example of this.

So, here is my hypothesis.

An ex boyfriend who you had an on again/off again relationship with will be easier to get back based on his past history of coming back.

The numbers above certainly seem to point towards the fact that my hypothesis is true and even a lot of the success stories I have had here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery seem to point that way.

This begs an interesting question, though.

Why?

Why is it a little easier to get an on/off ex boyfriend back?

To understand this I think you have to understand one of the prime reasons for why the “off again” phase happens.

The Most Common Reason The “Off Again” Phase Happens

common sense

In my experience here is how most “off again” phases happen.

A man and a woman are dating.

Everything appears to be fine until a disagreement occurs. Lets say that the disagreement revolves around the woman getting caught flirting with another man through text messaging.

The man in the relationship gets very angry and perceives the flirting as dangerous. After all, men are hardwired to hunt and a woman flirting with one can sometimes be the equivalent of a shark picking up the scent of blood in the water.

The woman on the other hand makes the claim that the guy she wasn’t flirting and the guy she was talking with was just a friend and that her boyfriend (the man) needs to trust her.

Relationships can’t work very well if no trust is involved.

So, what we have here is two people in a relationship sticking to their guns.

  1. The man believes that his girlfriend should not be flirting with any other men.
  2. The woman believes that she didn’t do anything wrong since the guy she was talking with was just a friend and nothing more.

This is a problem because the man isn’t going to back off his point and the woman isn’t going to back off hers.

What happens next?

Well, with each person in the relationship sticking to their guns they both become more angry with one another (the man more-so than the woman.)

Why?

This is going to sound really sexist but you want to understand men, right?

Some men don’t like it when they don’t have the support of their women. They don’t like it when they feel they are in the right and their significant other is in the wrong.

I guess what it all boils down to is the fact that men like to feel they are always right.

It’s funny, a few days ago I was watching one of those old timey game shows called the Newlywed Game. The premise of the game was quite simple. They took three married couples (some were newlyweds and some were couples that had been together for years and they asked each person a question a question pertaining to their relationship (the other person was off stage so they couldn’t hear the answer.) Eventually the other person (who was off stage) would be called back on and asked the same question. If their answer was the same as the person they were married to they got a point. If it wasn’t the same hilarity ensued (since some couples really took it personally) and they wouldn’t get a point.

Simple enough, right?

Well, as I watched this show there was one couple that stood out to me.

The man in the relationship in particular.

Now, the thing you have to remember is that this show was set all the way back in the 70’s.

Why is that important?

Because how he acted I see a lot of in men today.

When his wife was asked a question she gave an answer. He was then called on stage and asked the same question and gave a completely different answer. Apparently the answer he gave was right and the one his wife gave was wrong.

His wife had forgotten something and answered incorrectly. While he had remembered it and answered correctly.

However, rather than laugh off the mistake like most of the couples had been doing he took it very personally and took some time to berate his wife for answering incorrectly saying,

“You are always wrong… You see, she always gets these simple things wrong”

His wife, clearly embarrassed by her mistake said that she was sorry but that she wasn’t always wrong about things.

No” he replied.

“You are always wrong and I am always right. Tell me that I am always right. You know it’s true.”

His wife rolled her eyes and sarcastically stated,

“Yes, you are always right and I am always wrong.”

First off, this guy is a total jerk to his wife.

Second, I think what he said is interesting because it sums up a lot of men out there.

A lot of us have to be right most of the time.

A lot of us really believe in arguments like the one that I gave in the example above that we are right and our significant others are wrong.

Of course, more often than not women are the ones who are right. So, when these disagreements do occur and both people are stubborn about sticking to their views they tend to get into some pretty epic fights.

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Breaking Up As Emotional Warfare

emotional warfare

Lets go back to the example above.

A man is clearly upset because he believes that his girlfriend is flirting with another guy.

The woman does not believe this is the case since the guy is just a friend and she can never see herself with him.

Both people are sticking to their guns here and a fight ensues.

Pretty soon the fight evolves into something… scary.

Yelling…

Broken things…

Crying…

All in all, it’s a pretty scary fight.

Well at one point during this fight the man is going to think to himself,

“I am losing control here. What can I do to gain it back? What can I say to really control her and make things the way I want them? Oh, I know I will just break up with her. That will get my point across.”

Yup, some men out there will use a breakup as emotional warfare to punish/control you if things aren’t going their way.

Think of it like this, in a man’s mind if he believes that you are flirting with another man and you believe you aren’t the only way for you to understand how much he dislikes that behavior is to break up with you since deep down he knows it is something you don’t want.

In his mind if he breaks up with you, you are going to sit in your room crying all day and night about how big of a mistake you made just because you wouldn’t stop talking to some guy friend who doesn’t mean much to you at all.

In other words, your boyfriend is using a breakup as emotional warfare to get his way.

He knows it will hurt you and he knows it will most likely get you to stop the behavior he doesn’t want to see anymore.

Of course, he is just shooting himself in the foot because deep down he didn’t really want to break up with you at all.

So, what do you think happens next?

Yup, you guessed it.

An on again/off again relationship ensues where whenever he doesn’t get his way he breaks up with you, regrets it and then gets back together with you again.

So, now that you understand more about the most common reason an on again/off again relationship occurs lets move on to what you can do to stop the endless cycle of breaking up and getting back together.

A Normal “Get Your Ex Back Plan” Vs. An “On Again/Off Again Get Your Ex Back Plan”

I think its important that before I start getting into “game plans” and stuff like that, that we talk a little about the main goal you are trying to accomplish if you are trying to get an on again/off again ex boyfriend back.

The main goal that we are trying to accomplish here with this guide is to not only get your ex boyfriend back but to stop the endless cycle of being in an on again/off again relationship.

Got it?

Being in a relationship of this nature is damaging because eventually if you keep spinning around in this merry-go-round you are going to crash and burn and your relationship will be too damaged to recover from.

Yes, I said it.

An on again/off again relationship is destined to ultimately fail if something doesn’t change.

Of course, right now we are assuming you are in an “off again” phase. So, our first task is going to revolve around getting your boyfriend back.

(I will get to keeping him in a second.)

Generally in this circumstance, to save time, I would make some generic statement like,

“Just follow the basic rules of getting an ex boyfriend back to get your on again/off again ex back.”

Unfortunately, the basic rules aren’t going to be as effective on your ex in this case since we kind of have to keep our end goal in mind (to stop this endless merry-go-round cycle of breaking up and reconciling.)

Here is what the basic rules for getting an ex boyfriend back look like,

general get your ex back rules

Well, when you are dealing with the situation we are talking about in this particular article the rules above no longer apply.

They have to be altered for a number of different reasons.

Before I get into the alterations let me give you the new “revised” game plan that you need to be following with an on/off ex boyfriend,

new revised rules

Notice the difference between the two game plans.

The on/off game plan is a little bit longer and even has a few stars above it.

I took the liberty of putting stars above the aspects of the game plan that have been altered or added when compared to the previous general game plan.

Other than these alterations the game plan remains the same.

For example, the texting, calling and date rules outlined in Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO,

ExBoyfriend Recovery PRO

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Are exactly the same.

The alterations however…

Well, I might have some explaining to do as to why I want you to do them.

So, what I would like to do now is go over every alteration in the new game plan one by one and explain my reasoning behind it.

Lets start first with the longer no contact rule.

Game Plan Alteration #1- A Longer No Contact Rule

longer

Lets take a step back and study the nature of a relationship that has an on again/off again nature.

In all re-connections where a couple gets back together there is always one person that is pushing for the reconnection and one person that is agreeing to it.

Granted, there may be some cases where both people mutually agree to get back together but even if this happen someone has to initiate the, “lets get back together” conversation.

Lets do some role playing here and pretend that you and I are dating and are in the midst of an “off again” phase.

One day you come to me and start trying to get me back.

You wine and dine me…

Take me to my favorite movie…

I think you get the picture here.

Eventually you are the one that initiates the “lets get back together” talk with me and I agree to getting back into a relationship with you. Unfortunately, our relationship doesn’t last long and we break up again a few weeks later.

Now, lets assume this process repeats itself a couple more times.

The process = The two of us breaking up, getting back together and then breaking up again.

Somewhere along the way a thought is going to enter my head.

What’s the thought?

“Hmm… based on the past she always comes back to me. I can get her anytime I want.”

You remember what I always say about men, right?

They always want what they can’t have.

Well, if your ex boyfriend is under the impression that you will always come back to him then that is a major problem because he has no fear of losing you (which can be quite effective in getting a man to come back to you.)

So, assuming that you are in a position like this where your ex boyfriend is thinking that he can get you back no matter what (based on the past) what can you do to overcome this?

By using a longer no contact rule of course.

Introducing The Longer NC Rule

(If you don’t know what the no contact rule is then please check out my E-Book.)

The general no contact rule that I typically recommend to women is a 30 day no contact period.

Well, for a man that you were in an on again/off again relationship with and is under the impression that you will come back you are going to have to do something drastic to make him think,

“Wow, she may be gone for good this time…”

This is why I would recommend a no contact rule in the 45-60 day range.

Now, that may seem like a lot of time but lets look at this logically.

If you end up sitting in the no contact rule where you have no contact with him whatsoever for two whole months all of a sudden he is going to go from thinking,

“I can have her any time I want.”

to

“Maybe she is gone for good this time…”

If you get your ex boyfriend thinking that you have him right where you want him.

Game Plan Alteration #2- Last Chance Recovery

last chance

This is going to be a little controversial but I think it is a necessary step to break the endless on again/off again cycle.

Part of the reason you are in this predicament is that deep down you know that the potential to get back together is always there if the two of you ever break up.

Above I explained why that can be dangerous due to a man’s psyche.

Well, it is also dangerous for yours.

Now, this is going to sound drastic but bear with me here.

Imagine that you were walking down the road one day and accidentally bumped into a witch.

Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous but give it a chance.

When you bumped into this witch she got quite angry at you,

withc

As a result of her anger she decided to put a curse on you.

What was the curse?

If you get your ex boyfriend back (since you are in an “off again” phase) and end up breaking up with him again then you will die the instant you try to get him back.

Can you imagine if you had this curse?

Something tells me that the on again/off again cycle would be broken because you would wouldn’t want to get him back again since you would die.

That is how I want you to approach this relationship with your ex boyfriend.

Enough of this on again/off again nonsense.

I want this to be your last chance as a couple.

The two of you have already given each other plenty of chances in the past and they all failed.

So, lets just assume that you do get out of the “off again” phase with your ex boyfriend. Well, all I am asking you to do is to set him aside and set the precedent.

Explain to him that this is the last chance that the two of you have as a couple (if you get back together.) If the two of you fail to survive this upcoming “on again” phase then you are just going to leave each other for good.

Make your ex boyfriend understand that you are serious about this and that you mean it when you say that this is your last chance together.

Oh, and it is VITALLY important that you mean it.

You need to believe that this is an all or nothing kind of thing.

If you can’t make it work this time then you are going to have to move on.

Think it…

Say it…

Believe it…

Now, this is a perfect lead into the next alteration of the overall game plan.

Game Plan Alteration #3- Preserve The Relationship

preserve

University of Texas professor Renee Daily has been studying relationships for years.

In fact, she ran a study on couples who admitted that they were in on again/off again relationships and had some very interesting findings.

She basically found that couples who were in these types of relationships reported less behaviors to help maintain the relationship. In other words, on again/off again couples weren’t safe guarding their relationships the way most other people do.

Now, this begs an interesting question.

What kind of behaviors are on again/off again couples not exhibiting?

Below I have compiled a small list of the most common complaints from men and women in these types of relationships.

  • One person in the relationship doesn’t feel good about themselves.
  • There is a lack of physical intimacy between the two members of the relationship
  • There is a lack of trust between both participants
  • Someone is not included in activities

The smartest thing you can do if you get your ex boyfriend back to prevent from falling into an “off again” phase is to safe guard your relationship.

Yes, a relationship is a two way street that requires both of you to put in effort but the fact of the matter is that you can’t control what your boyfriend says or does.

However, you can control your own actions and in my experience a man is going to treat you a lot better if his needs are being taken care of in the relationship.

For example, if my wife treats me really well one day then I am more compelled to spoil her. On the other hand, if she constantly fights me on things or puts me down then there is no way that I am going to go out of my way to spoil her (don’t tell her I said that, though.)

The point I am trying to make here is that by making sure your boyfriends needs are met you can almost get him to treat you the way you always wanted to be treated by him.

It’s a weird form of control, huh?

By treating your man well you get treated well in return.

Like a snowball effect.

So, how can you go about this?

How can you safe guard your relationship for the future?

Hmm…

To be honest it’s a bit complicated and it would take me tens of thousands of words to describe. Luckily, I have already put together a guide on how to do that.

So, my recommendation is that you check that guide and put the information that you read there into action.

What to Read Next

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691 thoughts on “How To Get An On Again/Off Again Boyfriend Back”

  1. Avatar

    Anna

    July 13, 2020 at 3:20 pm

    So Chris what if he contacts me during the longer NC? Should I reply to his texts or take his calls?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 13, 2020 at 4:24 pm

      No, you do not answer anything while in No Contact – not unless he texts saying he wants to get back together

  2. Avatar

    Michaela Ferrar

    July 4, 2020 at 4:18 am

    My ex is the love of my life. He just broke up with me for the second time 2 weeks ago, and I feel dead inside. We met last year and dated 5 months, and he dumped me because he got cold feet and didn’t want the commitment. We were separated for 6.5 months (both of us still loved eachother and stayed in some contact,) and got back together in March. This time we dated for 4 months, and we were seriously talking about marriage, to the point where he was looking at rings and going to propose. He said I was the love of his life and his best friend, and that he couldn’t wait to marry him. He dumped me because he felt I couldn’t trust him….but I think its another case of cold feet. I’m not sure. There were definently some trust issues, as he has slept with his ex after breakup up the first time, and I couldn’t get over it. We ended up getting into a pretty big fight right before the second breakup about the past, but overall we had a really good relationship. Our love is so special, I would do anything to have him back, I honestly want to marry him still. My family thinks I’m crazy, but I blame myself for a lot of the issues this time. I haven’t talked to him in 2 weeks but some of my friends have reached out to him (not because I asked them to,) and either said he doesn’t deserve me or tried to intercede. I’m not sure if that’s made things worse or not, but I didn’t ask them to do that. Regardless, he is ignoring me, and I’m doing no contact. I know he loves and misses me, so why is he being so cold? Will bo contact even work this time? Any advice wilf be amazing! I’m so scared I’ve lost him forever. I love him so much, he’s literally my soulmate.

  3. Avatar

    Dee

    May 9, 2020 at 3:16 am

    Hey there!

    I am in an on and off again relationship with my now ex (yeah we are at the off period) for the past 2.5 years.

    I ve always begged him back until last year December when he wanted to breakup again for the second time(serious breakup), I applied no contact rules and exactly 1 month in, he contacted me and basically begged me back.

    We had crazy sparks through our honey moon phase but was once again short lived, 1.5 months later he said the relationship dynamics is too stressful, he wanted to pursue friend with benifits and ‘possibly ease into a relationship again’, which I declined and started no contact again.

    2 weeks into no contact I had to contact him for some favor in his field, he helped me out over text, after business I tried to chat, he was friendly but distant, he ended the conversation by ignoring my last text soon after I tried chit chatting with him.

    I ve been in no contact for all together 4.5 weeks now, 2.5 weeks since we last spoke.

    It is my birthday in another 4 weeks time, should I wait until my birthday to see if he reaches out? Or should I text him just before my birthday and see his attitude? If he s warm then I will invite him to do a 1 on 1 birthday dinner?

    Thank you so much!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 12, 2020 at 10:05 pm

      Hi Dee, no you are not supposed to aim for things around your birthday. You should follow a 30 day No contact and then reach out with a text that Chris suggests

  4. Avatar

    Melissa

    April 29, 2020 at 8:06 am

    Hello, last July (2019) I broke up with my boyfriend as he lied about something. At the time, I thought I couldn’t trust him and kept calling him a liar and trust was lacking massively in our relationship. Soon after, I regretted this decision and realised he treated me amazingly and was such a good boyfriend to me. He really was. I wanted to get back with him and at the beginning he was unsure (stupidly I didn’t give no contact and was there behind him when he asked for space) which I should have done but didn’t want to lose him. Then after a couple of weeks he said it wasn’t right to be together so he didn’t want to get back together. For 4 months I tried to get back with him, begging and telling him I still loved him. We were on and off every month. We would meet up and have sex, then he would say he thinks we should stop. Then I did no contact, then he came back to me saying he wanted to try it again on his birthday. We dated again for a month and then he broke up with me again. We haven’t been in contact (except from one message of him saying he wishes me well and I replied thank you) since 2 weeks. What should I do? This time it feels serious as he deleted me from all social media. I also saw him on a dating website too. When I last spoke to him he said he wanted to be by himself, but I can see he is entertaining other girls on social media. He said he doesn’t regret ending it with me. He said that I make him feel insecure and put him down which I don’t think is true at all. Can I get him back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 7, 2020 at 5:49 pm

      Hi Melissa, while you feel that you do not do those things, you need to accept that is how he felt in the relationship. Even if you do not agree. As for him speaking with other girls online he is allowed to do so even if he is not looking for a relationship he will be looking for someone to chat with. If you want to get him back then I suggest that you follow the No Contact rules, for 45 days and this includes not watching his activity online. During which time you need to work on your Holy Trinity and make sure that you have the best emotional control before reaching out to him again. He is not going to want to jump back into a relationship you need to re build your connection and start working up the value chain again

  5. Avatar

    Sam

    April 14, 2020 at 9:28 am

    Hi, me and my ex boyfriend have been off and on for 5 years. Our most recent relationship lasted 2 years and a few weeks ago he broke up with me because he was stressed and wanted to focus on himself for a while. I totally understand that, and I’m fine with doing hat but he kept giving me hot and cold signals so after he broke up with me he was saying he loves me and that he’ll always love me and care for me, and he was commenting on my pictures saying I’m beautiful. Recently things have been stressful over the few weeks before the break up, we would have petty arguments and stuff but this was ever since I went on the 2 birth controls and he thinks that it doesn’t have an impact on how I act sometimes. The 2 weeks prior he would messaged me saying I need some space and stuff and when he was saying he was stressed I tried to be there for him and care for him like I’ve down the whole 5 years. He said I was too man because I would check on him a few times a day cos I was worried, and I was scared of losing him. In the past we broke up from having arguments and that’s why I’ve learnt on my part where I went wrong.
    See it’s hard because he would tell me that we probably would get back together in the future he just want his space for a while and he doesn’t know when or if we will 100% but tells his friends that we “probably won’t idk” get back together in the future. He said to his friend that he still cares about me he just lost feelings from arguing recently. How do I get him back? I want to try things one last time with him, and I want to actually change and watch us grow.
    And also he never told me he lost feelings, he just wanted to me to himself for a while because he still said that he loved me and cared for me after. And I asked him a few days later if he loved me still and he was like I need time and I was like it’s just a yes or no answer and he was like i don’t know, and constantly saying I don’t know and then he was like take it as a no then because you’re not letting me say I don’t know. It’s like he’s trying to hold on to me but not wanting to be with me. I need help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 23, 2020 at 3:49 pm

      Hi Sam, one of the first things you need to do is go into a No Contact NOW, stop asking him if he has feelings for you, if you are going to get back together etc as this is just damaging you chances, you need to show your ex that you are working on yourself and doing things in a positive mindset (use social media and mutual friends to portray this image) then when you have completed what I think you need is 45 days Nc you can start talking to him in attempt to rebuild your connection talking about small positive conversations that are not emotional. On and off relationships do take their toll on people but it is not impossible to get them back, what seems hard for the couple to do is stay together long term. I would look at the reason you are breaking up and see if this is something that can be worked on or if you are just not compatible as you hoped you would be

  6. Avatar

    Britt

    October 9, 2019 at 9:26 pm

    I utilized the longer no contact rule. About 30 days into it, I received a text that my ex bf was moving out of state the next day. He thanked me for being a part of his life and wished me the best. At that point, I was in shock. I didn’t know whether to respond or not. There’s no sense of urgency on my part as he’s obviously wanting to move on. That was 2 weeks ago. I still have not said anything… and I still don’t know if I should. I do still love him, but it seems as if all hope Is lost. As for being friends, I know it would be too hard at the moment. What would you suggest?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 9, 2019 at 10:03 pm

      Hi Britt I suggest reading about LDR and how to work through the process with a long distance.

  7. Avatar

    Li

    July 20, 2019 at 7:55 am

    Hi, me and my ex were together for 4 years and he broke up with me 3 times (this is the third time) because I was fighting a lot about things that happened in our past. In the first we broke up for a month and in the second for almost 3 months. Every break up I did the NC and he came back but this time he said the situation is different because he doesn’t love me anymore. Now he wants us to be friends and it breaks my heart to see him and talk to him when we out with our friends (we were best friend before dating so we have the same group of friends). It’s been almost 2 weeks since the break up and since then he sent me messages and talked and laught with me when we see each other but when I bring up the relationship situation he said that were too many fights and because of that his feelings for me no longer exists.
    I don’t know if the NC will help this time because he doesn’t love me anymore and said he won’t come back to me even if he wants to.
    Please help me Chris, I don’t know what to do and think I lost him forever.

  8. Avatar

    Maggie

    May 8, 2019 at 6:41 am

    Hi Chris, my boyfriend and I have been in an on/off relationship for 15 months. We have separated and reconciled several times after short ‘off’ periods. He mostly initiates the reconciliations. The cycle is getting shorter. The issues that cause tension are that he has had some major life issues, eg marriage breakdown two years ago and financial issues. He has said each ‘off’ period that he is not ready for the next step of the relationship, but then when he comes back he makes the step. We broke up this time because he felt pressured to take the final step which for us is to live together. We had been discussing this for a few months, a conversation he initiated and were looking forward to moving in together. Out of the blue he has told me that he does not think he is ready and is now assessing whether he wants a relationship at all. We have had very minimal contact since separating 5 days ago. All very friendly but cordial. I have asked him to reconsider and suggested that we take things slower. Now he has stopped talking to me. What could you recommend? Thank so much.

  9. Avatar

    Sasha

    April 8, 2019 at 1:43 am

    Chris,
    What do I do in this situation? Will EBR tactics work on him again??

  10. Avatar

    Sasha

    March 24, 2019 at 12:44 pm

    Hey Chris,
    I dated a guy 3 years ago for four months…everything was great. He was crazy about me, he never wanted to lemme go, he would write love poems on me and v never had fights…it was a long distance relationship and he is my relative…but our families hated each other…but one day my dad got to know dat v were dating and he fought with my guy’s mom…it was pretty bad and the families split up..v were restricted from contacting each other…2 years later,I met him in a hospital when my uncle met with an accident..I approached him and took his number and v started contacting each other…but with time,he started making me jealous and started talking about the past but when I asked him to get back,he would disagree..I asked him many times and after 6 months he accepts me and tells me dat he was afraid of our families and so he pushed me away..he told me that he would never leave me and dat he loves me a lot n he calls me in the mid night and tells me I love you several times…the next day I called him and v spoke and he was feeling low and I asked him if everything was fine and I told him dat I feel he is not dat into me to which he broke up with me..I tried to convince him for 3 months but it didn’t work..then I cut across ur website…ur amazing Chris…I followed everything and things were fine ..I was hurt but I appeared to be very happy n my bestie knew all this n she calls my ex without my knowledge and tells him dat I’m suffering from within to which he tells her that he loved me a lot before(3 years back) but after the breakup, he was broken and with time his heart grew cold and he was blank n was left with nothing but memories n now he can’t have a relationship coz it’s tough for him…after two days he calls me up and asks me to take care of my health and dat he’ll work things out and stay with me and never leave me as he was very much guilty of hurting me and pushing me away..he said he loves me and he mentioned dat he watches lots of porn and gets attracted to ppl and that he feels dat he doesn’t love me but it’s all lust and he said he’ll change and work on himself and will never leave me…things were great again…when I went to his place along with my family, he spoke to his sister and told her dat he loves me and he will never find a girl like me and he doesn’t want to lose me…his sister was fine…everything was fine until 2 months…after 2 months, he started calling me less and started being busy and spent more time with his friends and he tried to make me jealous …so I spoke to him and he apologised and said he’ll change but he didn’t….so I started making myself busy and I took pics with my guy friends and put it as my status on WhatsApp…after 4 days,my guy calls me and says he can’t do this anymore n he feels I act differently in front of different people and dat he doesn’t love me and it’s all lust and he feels like he is living in a lie and he wants to stop all this and he said he tried to love me but he wasn’t able to feel anything and he asked me to not force him anymore…I really don’t know what to do coz he was the one who wanted me and now he breaks up with me…Chris, will the nc rule and other EBR tactics work on him? Do i have a chance here? Is it possible to get him back ?? More importantly, I want to know what exactly do I do in order to make him have same feelings for me as he had in the past?? Have you written any article about it?? Chris I really need ur help coz both of us were willing to work things out but he says he is really very confused about his life and dat he doesn’t have feelings for me….I’m really very depressed…I wish I could make everything all right…
    Thank you Chris

  11. Avatar

    Maria

    March 18, 2019 at 9:57 pm

    Should I even try if I always felt pushed to a corner in the relationship? I was crying every night for over 2 years, even in the “on” phases when he said we’d get married, even in the beginning. All I wanted was someone to ask me how my day had gone, somebody to be my friend

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 19, 2019 at 9:38 pm

      It seems to me if too many days are full of tears, then your focus should be on your healing and personal recovery. Take a look at my Program as that is the center piece of what has to be achieved. I discuss in great detail in my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”

  12. Avatar

    Hakeemah

    November 22, 2018 at 5:55 pm

    My ex (27 years old) and I(25 years old) were in a long distance relationship for a year plus (note it’s a seven years relationship) before he said he needed space, I initiated no contact for a month, he reached out after a month, I responded and he stopped reaching out for few days till it was my birthday, he reached out again and even sent cake….we have been conversing casually since then(monday),we spoke for a while yesterday and I asked if he would like to give us a try again, he said we should put that on hold for now. What do I do? Should I initiate no contact again? Or have conversations on why he does not want to give our relationship another chance.

  13. Avatar

    Selby

    November 18, 2018 at 3:26 am

    I’m not quite sure how to approach my situation. We were together for 2 years got in a big fight because he said he was moving so we could be in the same city..after months of no action the big fight happened..he disappeared and then a month later showed up and we weren’t “back together” but “seeing where it goes” texted everyday, hung out even was my date to a wedding. After 2 months of this I asked if we were going to give this another shot or not and he started wavering. Said he wasn’t sure if he was ready for a serious relationship, that he was unhappy about a lot of things and work was stressing him out and he needed to work on that before he could really commit to being with me. He said if he was going to do this he wanted to give 100% but he couldn’t right now but he was tired of hurting me so he needed to figure out his s****…it’s hard cause I could see the pain and confusion on his face. He’s got some issues with thinking he’s good enough and over analyzing things like crazy and I feel like that part of the problem and why he is afraid to committing something very serious. He said this isn’t about seeing anyone else cause I’d he was going to be with someone it would be me. I did NC and he hasn’t responded but it’s similar to how he behaves the first time around. He also doesn’t do social media (I’m sure he sounds like an alien at this point. But he’s a great alien) so there is no way for him to see what I’m up too. I’m doing my best to work on myself and be confident cause id be lying if I said this hasn’t taken a lot out of me especially now that is the holidays! But I don’t know what else to do at this point. More no contact?

  14. Avatar

    hera

    September 24, 2018 at 5:02 am

    Hi Chris,

    Thanks for all of your writings! I saw that you also have a section on how to get over your ex if you _don”t_ want them back.

    I’ve been in a relationship with someone I’ve loved a lot for a little over a year. For the first 6 months, it felt like a whirlwind romance. Before we dated, we’d become friends at work (in different departments), and played sports together. We built up an emotional connection (mistake – I have learned!), and also some romantic tension we’d tried to avoid for a while (because of work and because he was in another relationship of 3 years that was struggling), but ultimately he broke up with his other girlfriend and we immediately started seeing each other. (Actually, it turns out he’d told her they were on a ‘break’ for a month, while he’d told me they’d broken up. That’s probably the biggest lie he’s ever told me and he apologized when it came out.)

    I saw lots of red flags here, and knew he hadn’t had time to grieve, but I was already super enmeshed – and it was hard to resist. He’s smart and charismatic and effective at work and a good guy – and we love similar things like sports and languages. We’d already had a connection.

    Anyway, about six months in we hit holidays and my birthday and then valentines day, and he just acted a bit aloof. I asked where he thought things were headed and it seemed like he didn’t see it as a long term thing. (When I asked why he didn’t have a clear reason). He said it was easy to go from ‘something serious to something light’ but he found our relationship becoming serious and he didn’t want that at the moment.

    The relationship otherwise felt good to me. We didn’t fight much and I think we communicated well when we did. We spent time with each other’s friends and met each other’s family. But this potential longterm commitment issue was a big one, and he – to his credit – didn’t want to lead me on. Somehow, when we talked about it, it took off all the pressure and suddenly we had a lot of fun and more intimate conversations. But we got into a terrible on off pattern that started to have a regular cadence: he got a letter from his ex and said he wanted to take a break for a week, then got me a gift and said he wanted to stay together. I sensed uncertainty in him and felt anxious, so I said I thought we should end it. We’d have a ‘mardi gras’ weekend enjoying each other’s company, planning to break up at the end – suddenly the pressure was off for both of us and we felt great. We’d break up for the week but then we’d quickly start seeing each other. Then we decided we’d stop when I left my work (since I was looking for a new job anyway and it would be easier then), and in the meantime we spent tons of time together. We planned our first trip. He always says I love you.

    When I left work we broke up for about a month. He said he needed space. I did NC – in part for myself. And then we bumped into each other … and finally saw each other. And I learned he’d been hanging out with his ex girlfriend – no ‘physical things’, and ‘talking’ about things – she wanted to get back together – but ultimately he realized he didn’t want to, and that he wanted to spend time with me and I ‘enriched his life’.

    But he still wasn’t sure about the future. He said “he didn’t think it was a no”, with respect to the possibility of marriage. But he ‘wanted to be single for a while’. He also apologized for ‘putting me on his roller coaster’, and that ‘sometimes it feels like you never really broke up’. So, basically it’s been six months of ‘together not together’ and it’s taking its toll on me. I started getting anxious about things that had never bothered me. I think deep down it hurts my self esteem that I want to be with a person who doesn’t want to be with me, and seems sometimes so loving and praising of me, and other times, so on the fence.

    We’re in an ‘off phase’ of a week, but I feel so confused and not certain if we’re really broken up or not.

    My parents and family all like him as a human, but don’t think the relationship seems healthy. My mom worries that he won’t be a faithful partner.

    Logically, I can see that I’m in a bad state. I can’t tell if I’m just afraid of feeling lonely or missing out?

    Maybe some time apart would give me clarity as well.

    I’ve read all of the “He’s just not that into you” literature, and I guess this behavior suggests that he’s not? I think it’s been a blow to my self esteem – and hard to let go of the supportive relationship it sometimes was. Plus I just love him a ton and really feel so grateful for a bunch of things in the relationship. (I’m grateful for those even as it ends).

    What do you think should I move on or try again? I’m not religious but spiritual, and have been praying for the willingness to ‘turn it over’ or let go. But struggling with all my primordial impulses. I feel like I need to take this energy and apply it to my career more ^_^

    Thanks for any thoughts!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 25, 2018 at 3:04 am

      I Hera!

      I do think some space and time will help you. Consider picking up my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”. I get into all kinds of personal recovery activities and it will help you with understanding the whole post breakup process and how to navigate thru it.

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 25, 2018 at 3:04 am

      I Hera!

      I do think some space and time will help you. Consider picking up my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”. I get into all kinds of personal recovery activities and it will help you with understanding the whole post breakup process and how to navigate thru it.

  15. Avatar

    Amy

    September 12, 2018 at 9:14 pm

    This might be a little long.

    So it’s been almost 2 months since me and my Ex broke up. We’ll call him “drake”. I’m 22 and he is 23. This is the 3rd breakup we’ve had in the span of 3 years. At this point I’m not sure if I want him back or if I just can’t stand the pain. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before though.

    A little background: we started dating 3 years ago. During those 3 years, he’s always the one that broke up with me. We had a mini breakup during spring break where I was supposed to go with him but I guess he wanted to hook up with other people and we got back together for a couple of months and he then broke up with me during the summer from May and I heard from him here and there but nothing major. We didn’t reconnect until October. So we got back together and everything seemed great but we broke up once again because he started his senior year of college. Basically… he broke up with me to hookup with other girls but he was still in contact with me while all of this was happening. I made sure he knew that he was going to lose me if he kept up with this. So we started dating again around New Years and he had moved to a different state that was 5 hours away since I’m still in school. We did long distance PERFECTLY. he would visit me on the weekends and vice versa. We even worked things out when I found texts on his computer of him texting other girls while we were dating the last time around and we actually talked things through. I then moved in with him over the summer. All we’ve ever talked about is getting married, he told one of his friends he was going to propose to me when I graduate in December, and always about how I would be moving in with him but then we had a disagreement because he got mad over something stupid where he thought I was being rude to him when I was simply asking a question(seems so stupid when I write it out). He told his friend he couldn’t stand me anymore and this was only a couple of weeks of us living together. I found that message and he never said anything about it other than that he was sorry because he was really mad. (He told me that morning he wasn’t mad he was just caught off guard and I needed to give him time to wake up) We fight over communication mostly. Everything else about our love life is great. Whenever he’s mad he’ll completely shut me out and then blame the entire thing on me so I always end up being gaslighted and made out to feel like the entire thing was my fault. We’ve talked twice in the past 2 months about small things. Nothing important.
    I just don’t know what to do? I feel that I want to spend my life with this guy but after all of the lying, emotional cheating, talking about me behind my back to his friends instead of talking to me I’m just not so sure if any of that will be able to be fixed or if it’s just in his nature and how he will always be. I’ve never been like this. Usually if a relationship ends I remain on good terms with my ex and move on but for some reason this one has always been one I can’t let go. Right now I’m in 9 days no contact since he last texted me.

  16. Avatar

    Sarah

    August 28, 2018 at 11:48 am

    Hey,
    My ex-boyfriend broke up with me almost a year ago and we had been in an on-again/off-again/not sure what we’re doing situation until we ultimately broke up properly yesterday. When we broke up the first time I texted him like crazy, and it wasn’t until 2 months later when went no contact for 3 weeks. However, looking back now I went the wrong way around what I was doing to try and get him back and never really gave him the chance to miss me or get over the situation (when having chats about what we were doing with us he would say he felt fine and that he was over me during those 3 weeks no contact/didn’t miss me etc, but he had said in the early stages of when we weren’t sure what to do that he couldn’t speak to anyone the way he spoke to me etc) . He says he still loves me and that he thinks I am an amazing person but his feelings have changed and that he isn’t in the right head space to put in the effort to be together and that he hasn’t been treating me right which isn’t fair so called it a day. I completely agree that we need space and had realised the best way to either get him back or move on was to get out of the situation as I’ve always just been there for him and never gave either of us the opportunity to get out of the bad habits or bad associations with one another so the pick-nicking started pretty early (or never really left is probably more accurate) – even though it’s not exactly what I wanted and I did try to get him to stay for a bit after he broke up with me again which was silly. He did say when he left that he would always be here for me if I needed and I told him not to say that because I’ll want to message him but I can’t anymore, just makes me really sad to think that we both still care about each other a lot but he doesn’t see me in such a light to want to make it work because I’ve made it seem like it’d be a lot of effort. Anyway, I’m going to be seeing him on Friday as we have a birthday party with mutual friends. I was going to write him one of those “last goodbye” messages where agree with the breakup then do the no-contact period today, just wondering what I should say in that but also should I maybe wait to send it until after Friday, or should I say it to his face or not at all? Pretty stumped at what to do and don’t really know how I am supposed to behave on Friday as there will only be 6 of us including myself so going to be hard to ignore him. Please help!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 28, 2018 at 9:34 pm

      Hi Sarah…I bet you are an amazing person as your ex has told you. Instead of writing a goodby message, just give him a brief heads up that you need some “you” time to heal and focus on your own personal evolution.

  17. Avatar

    nanii

    August 26, 2018 at 2:23 pm

    thank u chris for ur reply but i still want to know what’s going through his mind this time, this is the 5th time we break up so can u make me understand his mindset in brief? do u think he’ll think that he can get to me whenever he wants to and how do i suppose to make him get a shock and do an opposite action to make him beg for me and be more mature again?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 27, 2018 at 3:56 am

      He sounds like he is a bit selfish and with so many breakups, he might be conditioned to not change. If all this is making you unhappy, then take a long break from him. Maybe you will discover he is not worth it and there are other paths you can explore.

  18. Avatar

    nanii

    August 26, 2018 at 1:46 am

    hi chris, what about a 6 years on again off again relationship, i used your methods and advices the last time we broke up 8 moths ago and i got him back without any effort, but now we were supposed to get engaged and suddenly he started to be stubborn and he picked up a small mistake that i made w month ago “it wasn’t cheating” and took that as a reason for not go forward to the engagement think, im in my first day doing the no contact period but how should i get him back for good and convince him that he have to commit and take a serious and official step?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 26, 2018 at 1:50 am

      Hi Nanii!

      One thing at a time. Make sure you are in a good place in your mind and emotion. Utilize all the things I teach to optimize your chances and my Program does have materials that deal with overcoming conflict and working as a couple to move to the next level.

  19. Avatar

    Rebecca

    August 15, 2018 at 5:06 pm

    Hi Chris,
    A month ago my boyfriend of 4 years said he needed space and walked out. He left completely everything behind (he was living in my home) and has not been back since. He said he needed time to think. I was completely blindsided and confused, we have spoken a couple of times since (he alternates from completely ignoring me to half an hour phone calls), we have seen each other a couple times and were very cordial. This is the second time we have been apart, the first time was an unresolved family issue and lasted 2 months and was 2 years ago and prior to us living together. Despite what he says, I am treating this as a break up and have packed away all of his things and changed the locks, more for my own sanity. I have done short stints of NC and am focusing on myself but we have positive healthy long conversations which is an end goal of NC. I love him but everybody is telling me his actions speak louder than words. I am not sure where to go from here.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 17, 2018 at 2:39 pm

      Hi Rebecca!

      I know that had to be really disappointing what he did after 4 years. It seems so rash, almost impulsive. Now the good tings is that 4 years time is not easily forgotten, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he come to learn he did not know his feelings that well after all. So glad you are focusing on “you”. Time is the arbitrator in matters like this. Focus on you and do the things in no contact I talk about in my program that will reinforce your value to yourself and to him.

  20. Avatar

    Darcie

    May 3, 2018 at 12:50 am

    HI guys..
    Would these rules apply to the second break up? We were together 7 months, broke up, got back together within two weeks and then broke up again.
    It hasn’t really been too many break ups, so just wondering..
    Thank you

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 3, 2018 at 2:10 am

      Great question Darcie. They do, but NC a bit longer this time. But if you haven’t done so, go check out my ebooks and services (website Menu/Products link) so you give yourself the best chance!

    2. Avatar

      Darcie

      May 3, 2018 at 12:06 pm

      Thanks Chris, I’m actually saving for your pro book now after hearing such great reviews about it 🙂 Poor student life.. lol!
      So around 45-60 days of no contact? 🙂
      Thanks for your reply!!

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 3, 2018 at 2:04 pm

      HI Darcie…Me understand! No more than 45 days. It could be less, though it depends on lots of factors. If you are able to pick up one of my ebooks in the future, the “No Contact Rule Book” might be a good fit for you as well as it walks you through everything around that Principle and how to focus on your own self recovery.

    4. Avatar

      Darcie

      May 3, 2018 at 2:13 pm

      Thank you Chris, that’s a great help!

    5. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 3, 2018 at 2:29 pm

      Your welcome Darcie.

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