When my boyfriend broke up with me, one of my first thoughts was “I have to move out of this apartment as soon as possible.” I knew immediately that I wanted him back, and I knew that the best way to do that would be to create a lot of distance. After all, he couldn’t miss me when I was so available. I was already planning on doing the No Contact Rule before I knew what it even was. I knew that my ex didn’t understand the reality of the choice he had made, and I knew the only way to make him understand was to make him face the repercussions of his decision.
Over the course of our relationship, my ex and I had become complacent with one another. We got lazy and stopped trying. We changed in many ways over our time together, some good, and others not so good.
I mention this because a huge part of getting your ex boyfriend back is proving that you have changed. Like my ex and I, it is likely that you became comfortable in your relationship and things fell by the wayside. Maybe you started nagging a bit more frequently, maybe you stopped hanging out with your friends. Maybe you stopped going to the gym, or didn’t feel the need to look as nice. It’s natural for those things to happen.
But if you want your ex back, you’re going to have to show that you’ve changed. It is the first step in re-attracting him back to you. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
Step One: No Contact
Ex Boyfriend Recovery is not just about getting your ex back, or getting over your ex. It is also about your own personal recovery. Being broken up with is really hard, and it causes your self confidence to take a beating. That is why it is absolutely essential that the first step of getting your ex back is to get you to fall back in love with yourself and realize how amazing you are again.
No Contact works to attract your ex back, we’ve discussed that. It gives him the time to miss you, and it gives him the space to think through his actions. But it helps you, too, and that is what I want to focus on here.
If you’ve been broken up with, you’ve been deeply hurt. I know you may want to rush through the process to get your ex back, but it is absolutely imperative that you take the time to yourself to heal. I’d say that for your first week of No Contact, you should just do a bunch of things that make you happy (but please don’t be self destructive). Get your nails done. Drink wine and take bubble baths. Watch hours of crap TV and eat bad food. Allow yourself to do things that make you feel better, if not temporarily.
But after that week is up, commit yourself to doing No Contact the right way. I’d say the biggest mistake I see women make in our facebook group is that they don’t approach No Contact with the right mentality. Instead of looking at is as a golden opportunity to do some reflection and self-work, they constantly check their phone and count down the days.
THIS IS NOT HELPFUL.
Instead, make a list of things you want to accomplish. Maybe you always wanted to learn to play the violin, or maybe you want to start writing. Whatever the things are that you’ve always wanted to do, do them for YOU. You have the time now. Take a dance class, buy a pottery wheel to experiment on, start reading Socrates, I don’t know. Do things that will bring you joy in this time of mourning.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizStep Two: The Holy Trinity
While you are in No Contact and doing things that will make you happy, you should also be tackling things that will make you more appealing to your ex. While in No Contact, focus on the three aspects of the Holy Trinity: Health, Wealth, and Relationships.
When it comes to health, we all slip a bit as we get comfortable in our relationships. I’m not just talking about going to the gym, either! I’m talking about overall physical appearance. I want to mention that exercise isn’t just good for you physically, it’s good for you mentally as well. It releases endorphins in your brain that literally make you happier. So don’t just hit the gym because it will make you look better. It will make you feel better, too.
Other things you can tackle in the health column cover all physical things – maybe get a new wardrobe if yours is getting a bit old. Go get your teeth whitened, go get your eyebrows done or get eyelash or hair extensions. These things will show that you are taking care of your appearance, and they’ll also make you feel great.
Wealth is a pretty simple one: Put extra time in at work if a promotion is on the table. Or if you are unhappy at your current job, work to get another one that will make you happier. Take up a side gig. These things will not only bring more money in, they will also distract you from the pain of losing your ex, and they will make you feel more valuable.
Relationships are an important thing to tend to during this No Contact period. I’m not necessarily talking about other men, though it is important that you try dating (more on that in a minute). But what is important is spending time with those who love and care about you.
I’d wager a guess that your friendships suffered as a result of your relationship, am I right? Take the time to spend quality time with your friends – and don’t just spend the whole time crying over your ex boyfriend. Do something fun. Take a pole dancing class together! In addition to spending time with friends, spend some with your family, too (though maybe nix the pole dancing and do a tame game night instead). These people love you, and sitting alone in your room is not going to help you feel better. Spending time with people who love you and make you happy will. There are all sorts of love in this word. Romantic love is only one percentage of it.
Now, I mentioned dating. I’m not saying you need to jump back out there, looking for your next boyfriend. Not at all. What I am saying is that going out there and trying dating again will help build your confidence back up. I was on a dating app for months before I ever swiped. But once I did, my self confidence blossomed again with the amount of high caliber men who were vying for a date with me. Dating also can show you that there are other quality options out there. Your ex is not the end of the line. Dating during No Contact can also work in the frame of jealousy.
Who knows? Maybe you’ll actually end up enjoying yourself!
Step Three: Social Media
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizBack in ancient times (aka the 1990’s) when the internet was just a dream that no human could comprehend, it was a lot harder to keep tabs on our ex’s. We had to pick up the phone to call them, send snail mail, or show up at their home or work to catch them.
There have been lots of articles written about how social media has made it harder for us to move on from our ex’s. The temptation to snoop is always there, and it’s so EASY.
However, as detrimental as social media can be to the moving on process, it can also be extremely helpful when you are attempting to get your ex back. It takes strength, because you should snoop on his profile barely at all, but you want to beef up your profile so that he is snooping on a daily basis.
If you’ve done No Contact correctly, you’re going to have lots of social media-worthy things to post. Post that photo of your pole dancing class on instagram, or post a facebook status about the hilarious combo of cards you put down in your family’s game of Cards Against Humanity.
Pinpoint all the changes he wanted you to make, and that you wanted to make, and use social media to accentuate those parts of yourself.
Sometimes, I actually choose the “view as” function on my facebook so that I can see what my profile looks like from my ex’s eyes, just to make sure it is as UG as possible.
Social media can also be used to fuel the jealousy angle. Check in to places with male friends. Take a photo of a great meal that you’re having that just so happens to have a guy’s beer and arms in the background (never mind that the arms are, in actuality, your brother’s).
Social media can be tough to use post-break up, and if you are moving on, it may be better to delete your guy entirely. But if you’re attempting to get him back, it can be a great tool to show him how much you’ve changed.
Step Four: Interactions
The final way that you can show your ex how much you’ve changed is thorough your interactions with him. Actions speak louder than words. You’ve changed yourself, genuinely during No Contact (not just having appeared to change), you’ve showed those changes on social media. Now you’re in contact with your guy.
There is a famous quote that goes “the best apology is changed behavior.” That applies here to. The best way to show someone you’ve changed is to show them.
So say you guys are texting and he stops responding. Old you may have started gnatting him asking why he’s ignoring you. But not the new you. Instead, you curb that impulse, and pretend this his lack of response isn’t bothering you. He’ll notice. Trust me.
This goes for the physical stuff too, of course. The first time you and your ex meet up, he’ll see those physical changes you’ve been working on. And you can talk about it, too. Don’t do overboard, obviously, but feel free to tell him about all the cool stuff you’ve been doing.
If he’s anything like the ex’s on the facebook group, he’ll be surprised by all you’ve done, and then he’ll feel badly about himself, because he hasn’t changed at all. This may cause him to feel like he’s slipped out of your league, which could potentially make him want to chase after you even more.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIt Starts With You
I was relieved when I finally moved out of the house I shared with my ex. I was sad, but I was also motivated. I had the thought
“this is where the real work begins.”
I knew that I had to work on myself. For myself. If it attracted my ex back, great. But if not, I’d be a better person for the next lucky guy, and more importantly, for myself.
Change starts with you. You can’t control what your ex or anybody else does, but you can control what you do. The change starts with you but only if you take those first steps to embrace No Contact. Give yourself even a fraction of the mental energy that you are giving your ex.
Probably my favorite episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer ever is the finale of season 2. It begins with the following voiceover, which is think it pretty applicable here:
“There’s moments in your life that make you, that set the course of who you’re gonna be. Sometimes they’re little, subtle moments. Sometimes they’re not. I’ll show you what I mean” – Whistler, (Becoming: Part 1).
Your break up can make or break you. Don’t let your heartbreak define you. Instead, use it as fuel to become a better version of yourself. No matter what may happen in the future with your ex, giving time to care for yourself is always a worthwhile use of your time.
Ashley
July 29, 2020 at 9:30 pm
My fiance dumped me after I broke his trust for flirting with an old coworker. I realize it now that he sees it as emotional cheating where I didn’t understand…. This unfortunately is the second time I broke his trust since the first time I sent a photo (of my booty) to another man 9 months prior simply as a joke but he dumped me for a few days after that incident as well…. I gave the ring back per his request and it took awhile to get all my things out of his place so it felt like the breakup was prolonged. I started seeing a Therapist and working on myself and my self love. My therapist asked him to make a list of things he would need to trust me again, and I’m surprised he actually wrote it but be said that he only made it for me to grow and learn and not to get back together and then said after this I would not hear from him anymore. This is when I officially began my no contract and it’s only been 10 days but I feel like I’m going insane…. I want to show him I am truly changed since now I’m realizing my past trauma made me feel like I was never enough and I was seeking outside validation from other men when I shouldn’t have been… I never felt good enough to be a wife. It’s sad but I know I love him more than anything I just feel like he wants nothing to do with me…. I’m so depressed but I’m willing to start over with him if he gives me a chance
Gemma
January 29, 2020 at 6:29 pm
Hi my boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue he’s called me alot of hurtful things which I would rather not repeat. We had been together for 14 years and he says I have until the 14th February to prove that I can change how do I do that?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 30, 2020 at 10:36 pm
Hi Gemma, do you think that you need to change in the relationship? What issues are there that need to be changed in your relationship to make things work? Genuinely think about the situation where you have done wrong, if not then do not focus on that, but focus on becoming happier in yourself so that your ex feels that he has missed out on someone great.
Daisy
December 1, 2019 at 9:27 pm
My boyfriend of three years broke up with me because I have the tendency to blow up when I am stressed. I also make him suffer and pay for my biological fathers actions. I assume that within time he will do the same, but that’s isn’t the case. I am changing and will not blow up on him like that because he doesn’t deserve it, I have to prove to him that I’ve changed, and that I love him enough to make his own mistakes and stop being punished for another mans doings. How do I prove that I won’t blow up anymore?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 1, 2019 at 10:36 pm
Hi Daisy, so the start of things you need to do a No contact where you give him a break so that he can get over the negative feelings he has towards you for blowing up at him. What work have you put in so that you learn to control your emotions and not blow up when you are stressed? Have you seen a therapist? If you have not done anything to this level I suggest you do so that you learn how to deal with stress and conflict without it resulting in you shouting at someone close to you.
Kayla
August 4, 2019 at 4:31 pm
My boyfriend and I was together for 2 and a half years. We stayed at my house that I rented he owned a home we decided to move into his house before the end of July 2 days before the end of July I still hadn’t moved in I wanted to but with work and stuff it didn’t happen at the deadline I still stayed at his house to try to make up for it. He broke up with me one morning and said it wasn’t me but he just wasn’t happy anymore and didn’t know why he said he still loves me and cares about me he said he doesn’t know why he’s unhappy but he doesn’t want to feel like this anymore. He says I wasn’t there enough that I didn’t listen and wasn’t there for him. How can I get him to give me another chance and show that I will be there for him more without acting crazy to try to win him back. I really care and love him
Mary Lee
May 18, 2019 at 4:40 am
Hello. I have been hurting my ex with my words back and forth. We never really took the time to change and be a better person. It was always me begging him to stay when he got upset at me as i have hurt him. This has happened countless times. Whenever i started distancing myself, he always came back, but again i would hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him anymore. He said he feels a lot for me but i keep hurting him. I know I have screwed up but i really want to change myself to be a better person and loves and treats him right. But how can i do that? I told him i need some time to change, but i’m kinda scared that he would give up on me, though he always came back no matter how much i’ve hurt him back in the day. This time i am not sure anymore cause i think i have hurt him a lot. But i really wanna change this time. Please give me some tips on what i should do. And if he comes back to me in 2 or 3 days should i just ignore him or what can i do? Thanks
Chris Seiter
May 18, 2019 at 11:11 pm
Hi Mary Lee….I so much would love to break it all down in detail, but the best advice I can offer you is take a look at picking up EBR Pro Bundle as I poured myself into that resource to helps folks like yourself!
Kayla
August 2, 2018 at 5:40 pm
I have done a lot of self-reflecting and am in the first week of no-contact. At what point do I reveal to him that I have changed and are becoming a better person for not only him but for myself.
Chris Seiter
August 3, 2018 at 12:21 am
Hi Kayla….go check out my site’s home page where I have my ebooks as they will guide you through all of this. There is just not enough time for me to go over all the details but after no contact is over, you want to reach out, but there is a protocol for all that!
Imogen
February 11, 2018 at 9:55 pm
Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago and he started seeing someone else a month later. I flipped out when I found out and regret it massively. We haven’t spoke since and that was 6 weeks ago. I want to communicate with him that I’m sorry for how things ended and how I reacted when I found out, I’m sorry we became distant after we became long distant resulting in the breakdown of our relationship, I want him to be happy and hope things works out well and that I hope one day we can be friends. How do you suggest going about this/do you think it’s worth trying to reach out at all?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 15, 2018 at 6:21 pm
Don’t.. It sounds and looks like you’re chasing.. You had a normal reaction before because you still had feelings.. He knows that.. If you apologize and ask permission that just shows you’re still chasing…
dora
January 25, 2018 at 2:21 pm
hi, we broke up at 1.10.2018 he said farewell dear dora, the best wishes to you and hope you find your true love soon. and then he blocked me at that app, but after 3 days maybe, i miss him badly ,so i sent a long text to said i should clam down and i should trust you, but he still said goodbye,and unless we can change our attitude then nothing gonna happen, and blocked me at facebook again, actually we fight just because i found he was planning to date a strange girl on the app, so we fight with each other. but i hope we can restart, now i didnt contact with him, and he still blocked me ,what can i do if he still blocked me , because he has already blocked me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 25, 2018 at 9:35 pm
Hi Dora,
check this one:
Your Ex Boyfriend Blocked You… What Now? (Video)
Meg
January 4, 2018 at 10:55 pm
Me and my ex reconnected after being apart a few months , only about a little longer then a month of straight NC . So now everything has been fine for about the last two weeks we have been talking EVERYDAY , he has been starting the conversation most of the time , we even met up once and it was great . and today I messed up , I was feeling lonely and confused I guess and I just felt like even tho we are on good terms we haven’t talked about being back toghter or havnt talked about meeting up again and that was bothering me , so I texted him and basically started an argument. He wasn’t trying to argue back and said clearly I’m still the same and I’m making things complicated .. we used to fight a lot
I apologized and he didn’t reply yet . But seen the message .
I feel like I completely ruined it . I really don’t want to do NC because we just got back on good terms … but is that the best choice or should I just wait until he initiates a convo and just act like it never happened ? Or wait a week or two if he doesn’t ? I’m lost ..
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 6, 2018 at 12:22 am
Hi Meg,
continue in nc…let your apology be your clean slate message.
Sammie
December 12, 2017 at 1:35 am
Do the rules still apply when it was me who BU with my ex? I understand he’s hurting. He has not reached out to me or replied to my sincere apology. Are there any success stories from women whom BU with their ex?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 12, 2017 at 4:40 am
Yup, the rules still apply even if you’re the one who broke up with him.
Amber
December 10, 2017 at 10:25 pm
Okey let´s start. My boyfriend and I started at the same school last year in august, and he had a huuge crush on me for several months. Everyone told me and he even told me himself that he liked me. We met at a few parties, but I always ignored him and made him accidentally like me more. I actually agreed in April this year to hang out with him. We hanged out a couple of times and he started liking me even more. After two months I ended it because I didn´t have any feelings for him at that time. He cut all contact with me, and three weeks later I actually sent him a message that I wanted to hang out with him when I got home from my vacation. So we met and had such a great time together. After that day we both travelled on separate vacations with our families, and talked threw snapchat all the time. We had a great relationship for about two months, but after that time everything started to change. The spark was gone and everything seemed normal again. He said he had started to loose some of his feelings for me… we never really fought, but we were more like friends. We didn´t feel any lack of psyicall attraction, but more mental I think. In october we broke up, but we decided to try again the day after our break up. Now one month later he said that he had lost all of his feelings for me and felt that he couldn´t give me anything anymore, and that he had to let go of me. Our break up feels so wrong, because we only talked about it in real life when he was drunk. I said that I believe that we needed to talk about it when both were sober, and he said that he kind of disagreed, so I told him that I didn´t want to have anything to do with him anymore. He seemed quite sad after that, like he sent me a message telling me that he wanted to speak with me about it after school the next day. I have been ignoring him for two weeks since that. One week ago he made out with another girl at a party, and the day after that he sent me a message telling me that it didn´t happen, but I saw videos of him doing it, so he was lying.. he also said that this wasn´t the way he wanted us to be after our breakup, he thought and hoped that we could still be friends. That is now one week ago, and I know I need to do some self-improvment now. I need to find happiness in my self, but what I am really wondering about is that if he still has feelings for me deep down or that if it is actually possible to lose all feelings for me. He seemed to have moved on pretty fast.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 12, 2017 at 5:34 am
Hi Amber,
Either he had slowly started falling out of love from you, or he still.has feelings
AshleyJ
December 6, 2017 at 10:28 am
Hello,
I am following your advice and have focused on a new career path, worked out more seriously and spent time with friends and family. Also planning a trip that I have always dreamt of.
However, I am not sure how to show my progress when I don’t have social media. Is it best to just continue NC (2 weeks in), and when the time comes for contact, stear the conversation into this way without showing off?
Any thoughts?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 10, 2017 at 5:43 pm
Hi Ashley,
Open up social media accounts, don’t add him yet but add mutual friends, make your posts public and do posts that just stays there unless you remove them…do at least 30 days and check this one:
“Can I Text My Ex On His Birthday?” Let’s End This Discussion Right Now
harshita
November 10, 2017 at 10:47 am
My ex boyfriend and i had a fight nd than he said that if you don’t wanna be with me so tell me we’ll break up so being in fun mood i said okay lets break up and than i realized that he took my saying seriously and when i tried to clarify with him he is saying that he doesn’t want to be with me now and his family won’t accept me as i m from different culture and its been more than two months since we broke up and we go in same classes so we see each other every day and now he is being more close to a girl from our classes and she is from my culture only So m not getting that he is doing all these stuff for making me jealous or is seriously getting more close with that girl and if he is getting close with her so how come his family will accept her coz he said that his family won’t accept me coz m from different culture and even that girl is from my culture so how can he do this to me m just confused and he is blaming me that i dumped him and he is telling our mutual friends that she left me and all that stuff but m just confused about one thing that why he is going for that girl i mean he is really going for her or is just making me jealous by doing this all
And please help me to get him back
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 12, 2017 at 11:20 pm
it’s either he lied to you on his break up reason about his family not liking you, or he’s just using the other girl as rebound.. check this one:
What Is The Limited Contact Rule?
jdani928
November 6, 2017 at 7:55 pm
So me and my ex were together for 2.5 years before we broke up last year. After our breakup I decided to read this website and take a lot of advice including successfully completing the no contact rule! It worked and he started to pursue me again. We still hadn’t made anything official and I just found out why. Here’s the back story lol. When we broke up, he began to date someone else. I decided that I needed to move on and I began to date other men, but I never made anything official. Well during this time I began liking one of his friends because we all hung out in the same circles. He was very kind and I liked him a lot, but we never kissed, held hands, but went on a couple of dates. After a while I found that I wasn’t that attracted to him and stopped trying to date and just wanted a friendship with him. It was innocent and was never trying to hurt anybody, and I didn’t think it would be that bad since they weren’t that close anymore. I ended up telling my ex so that I wouldn’t keep any secrets from him. He was upset, but after a while he decided he wanted to forget and forgive. However, after me and my ex decided to try again, and after 3 months of no commitment, he told me that he still was upset and couldn’t understand how I didn’t want to understand him in the situation. He told me that I wasn’t trying to really listen to him and it’s hard to love somebody like that. He says he’s tired of trying. I tried reassuring that I can and have changed in the past and I want to because I hate being someone that doesn’t seem to care. He really thinks that I have an inability to care about people because I’ve never had to, but that’s not true at all. Have I really screwed up, or do I have a chance to fix this?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 6, 2017 at 8:08 pm
HI Jdani928,
I’m confused. What is he pertaining to that you weren’t listening about? Is it his excuse of not wanting to be official?
Anon
November 6, 2017 at 2:53 pm
Lol I’m not going to start with a casual conversation he would murder me. The event thing isn’t too much for ME. it’s a normal non-manipulative action.
Jdani928
November 6, 2017 at 2:33 pm
Did my message disappear? I can’t find it on here anymore.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 6, 2017 at 8:08 pm
HI Jdani928,
I’m confused. What is he pertaining to that you weren’t listening about? Is it his excuse of not wanting to be official?
Jdani928
November 6, 2017 at 12:03 am
So me and my ex were together for 2.5 years before we broke up last year. Well I applied mostly everything on this site on getting him back even successfully completing the no contact rule, and it worked! He contacted me again and we began to date, but we never made our relationship official again. Before we began dating again, he was in another rebound relationship. I was single and I began talking to one of his childhood friends; we’ve never kissed, held hands, or had sex, but I liked him for a little while. Well, fast forward to a couple of months later, I told him about it and he got really upset; however, my ex told me that though he was really upset about it, we couldn’t see eye to eye and he was going to try to forgive and forget and I thought All was good except he would never commit to me. He blamed it on his goals and what he wanted to accomplish. Well 2 days ago, I told him that I didn’t want to wait anymore because I felt like I wasn’t being appreciated. He in returned told me that he was still upset about me liking his friend and every time he wanted to commit and give me his all that he would think about that. He told me that I wasn’t trying to understand him and that made him want to give up trying. He said that I never listen to understand and it was against my nature to care about people because I’ve never had to before. I really want to change because I know how terrible this is and I want to be better. I also really want him back! Am i stupid for trying to get him back? And how do I even do that after messing up so bad? Sorry for the long response.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 6, 2017 at 8:09 pm
HI Jdani928,
I’m confused. What is he pertaining to that you weren’t listening about? Is it his excuse of not wanting to be official?
W
November 5, 2017 at 7:32 am
Hi Amor, i have a feeling that if i stop contacting him and do the no contact rule, he wouldnt find me at all, and he’ll just move on even quicker.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 6, 2017 at 10:35 am
Chasing him isn’t going to stop him from moving on and it’s unattractive
Anon
November 4, 2017 at 9:14 am
Can’t figure out if this is a stupid thing to do. Four months no contact after 6 months of your advice. Not interested in getting back together, but I would prefer to be on non-enemy terms.
So here’s the thing: this really cool coincidence happened to him last year, and it’s something that happens every year. I put it in my calendar when we were together. Should I remind him it’s on? He won’t have put it in his calendar, only I’m that lame.
Last message I had from him 4 months ago was filled with rage. Thought I might just send a screenshot of the calendar. Don’t want to do it if it seems like I want to get back together or if it will make him mad.
Thanks
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 5, 2017 at 6:13 am
Hi Anon,
that’s too much.. just start with a casual conversation.
W
November 3, 2017 at 7:08 pm
Hi. My e told me that he is currently enjoying his free zone where he can actually hang around freely with his friends and it’s not abt relationship anymore. How can i make him get more into me again ?
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 4, 2017 at 1:08 am
HI W,
why not try the no contact rule?