Today I’m going to show you how long you can expect it to take to get your ex back.

This is something I have written about before but the thing that always annoyed me about that article was my inability to give you an exact answer.

I notice a lot of my peers skirt the issue because no one really knows.

In the world of exes there are so many moving factors that can dictate how long it will take for you to get your ex back.

Luckily, I’m at a place in my coaching business where I’ve gotten more than my fair share of success stories and can actually take a look at the data to come up with a more concrete answer for you.

Exactly How Long It Should Take You To Get Your Ex Back

For this article I did something really interesting and took nine of the success stories I’ve gotten over the past year and looked at how long those particular successes took.

The answer was very eye opening.

You can expect this article to tackle three main issues.

  1. Meeting The Success Stories Of The Study
  2. Getting An Exact Time Range Of How Long It Will Take To See Success
  3. Situations That Make Your Success Take Longer

Let’s go!

Meet The Success Stories Of Our Study

Over the years I’ve had hundreds of success stories but the fatal flaw with having that many success stories is that I don’t really get to know many of them.

Sure, I’ll get a pretty awesome email or facebook message in the group like this,

But the devil is really in the details.

How long did it take her to see success?

What did she actually do to see it?

As you can see, it really doesn’t help us for the purposes of this article.

So, I thought that before I started writing this article and citing all kinds of data you can’t quantify I’d change things up and only use data that you can quantify.

If you didn’t know, I have a YouTube channel and on that channel I have a specific playlist dedicated to the success stories of my program.

Pretty awesome, right?

Anyways, I thought it would be a good idea to take nine of the success stories found there and look at how long it took them to see success.

Here were the results,

  1. Jessy (2 Months)
  2. Kelly (3 months)
  3. Mary (2 months)
  4. Sarah Michelle (3 months)
  5. Sarah Michelle Again (2 Months)
  6. Sophia (5 months)
  7. Jean (5 months)
  8. Aaron (2 months)
  9. Kris ( 7 months)

Again, if you’d like to watch what they had to say about getting their exes back you can simply visit my playlist here or subscribe to my YouTube channel.

Anyways, seeing the data in one place is one thing but what additional insights can we glean from it?

The Exact Time Range Of How Long It Should Take You To Get Your Ex Back

There are really two data points to keep in mind here.

The first is pretty straight forward.

Based on the data above our average success story took between 2 – 7 months to see results.

Of course, I do feel the need to point out the slight fly in the ointment.

This 2-7 month time range is only after they started working with me.

In other words, if they were broken up with their exes for five months before they started working with me then I didn’t count that time. I felt it was only fair to measure how long my process took to work.

So, the real timeline was probably a bit longer.

Think of it like an equation,

I was never really great at math but x + y = z is a little difficult to solve for when you only hold one part of the equation.

It’s kind of interesting, right?

You hold one part of the equation and I hold the other.

Working together we can solve for “Z” when you get your ex back hopefully.

Now, I do want to say that this process isn’t guaranteed.

I’ve been called a lot of things in my time but perfect isn’t one of them. My job is to give you the best chance possible at getting your ex back and usually it takes anywhere from 2 to 7 months to see results with my process.

However, it is not an exact science.

I am constantly refining and fine tuning it to make it as close to perfect as I can get it but perfection is always going to remain unattainable.

That just goes with the territory.

Oh, there is one more thing I’d like to discuss before I can move on and talk about some of the situational things that can add more time to your overall time frame.

A lot of you may be wondering what happens when you average the success stories in our study together.

Well, that is where things get interesting.

As it turns out, when you average everything together it can potentially take you 3.4 months to get your ex back.

In other words, three and a half months is the average time it takes to see success with your ex after you start working with me or my team.

Again, I wouldn’t look at this like an exact science because it is not but generally speaking if you aren’t seeing progress after three and a half months then it might mean one of two things.

  1. It’s time to give up
  2. You are doing something very wrong

There are also other situational factors to take into account.

Situations That Make Your Success Take Longer

There were four big insights that I gleaned from doing this study.

Things that I never thought to take into account before this article.

In coaching calls one thing I always tell clients is that no two situations are created equally.

What works for one person may not work for someone else.

This sentiment also applies to the length of time it can take to see results.

For example, if you take these four factors into account you can get a gauge on if you are in for a shorter wait or a longer wait to see results.

  1. Situational Factors
  2. The Length of No Contact
  3. The Failure of No Contact
  4. Luck

Let’s take a moment to describe what I am talking about here.

Situational Factors

By far the longest time frame out of the data we used was seven months.

That was from our success story Kris,

The interesting thing about her story was the fact that she was in a long distance relationship.

Generally speaking, long distance relationships take longer to see results in because the distance present certain problems that aren’t present in other relationships.

So, if you find yourself in any of the following situations expect it to add some extra time to see results to your bottom line.

  • Long distance relationships
  • Being in a “full out” block
  • You cheated on your ex
  • They cheated on you
  • Your ex is very unresponsive to you

These tend to be among the most difficult situations we encounter and ironically they also take the longest to see any kind of results in.

The Length of The No Contact Rule

Not all no contact rules are created equally.

If you read my book you’ll know that I am a huge proponent of three specific time frames when it comes to the no contact rule.

  1. The 21 Day Rule
  2. The 30 Day Rule
  3. The 45 Day Rule

What no contact rule time frame you choose will directly impact how long it can take to see results.

The Failure of The No Contact Rule

Another thing I talk about in my book a lot is the fact that only around 20% of my clients actually get through a no contact unscathed.

What do I mean by that?

Well, I mean that they are able to complete the no contact rule without breaking it.

Wait, what happens when you break it?

We actually recommend that you start over which effectively can come close to doubling the amount of time you are in no contact for.

Luck

We’ve all heard the story of the person who was broken up with and then a few days later their ex magically came back into their lives.

In my experience, these people are the exception to the rule. Not the rule itself.

Basically they got lucky.

Sometimes it takes luck to get your ex back.

Never forget that.

38 thoughts on “Here’s How Long It Can Take To Get Your Ex Back?”

  1. Avatar

    what to do

    July 4, 2019 at 3:29 am

    I could use some input, please. I’ve known my ex for over 30 years, we became best friends, then started dating (long distance) and were so deeply in love. Talked about being together forever, made future plans, even started the beginning stages of starting a business together. We got into a few arguments (4 over the course of a year), the most recent one was 2 weeks ago and was pretty bad- not yelling or name calling type bad, just heavy and went on and on. He broke up with me in a nice, calm manner and we talked about a few observations he had about triggers I’ve been holding onto from childhood (sexual abuse, mom died, etc). We ended it nicely and he said he wants to stay best friends because he “loves me and loves my heart”. (I did make a mistake of trying to talk about the potential of getting back together in the future after I work on myself). He said it might not be permanent, but also told me to go into therapy and everything I had planned as if it is permanent. We talked a few times after that, very friendly everything was fine, and now we’ve been NC for one week. I started therapy for my childhood stuff and really working on improving myself in every way, not for him, but would still love for it to go that route. The thing is, we already had plans for me to fly out to visit him for 8 days about 5 weeks from now (so about 7 weeks post break-up and I already have my plane ticket). He said he still wants me to come because “it will be fun”. How should I proceed? Also, he still has us listed in a relationship on Facebook. What should I do? I’m so totally confused if he’s moving on or if he’s waiting to see if I make improvements.

  2. Avatar

    Nicole Weber

    May 23, 2019 at 7:10 pm

    My boyfriend of 2 years who lived with me for the last 11 months as well broke up with me a week ago because he felt suffocated however he didn’t tell me and I woke up on the Friday thinking he was doing his laundry to look down our tiny studio apartment hallway and see his 4 friends coming in and taking everything that was his. His blocked me on everything and I haven’t heard from him since. I have never been so devestated as we had an abortion together and after doing counselling like he suggested I do to transform my mindset months ago the last few days I have acknowledge how I can change for the future but he gave me so many chances to change my actions that made him feel suffocated and now he doesn’t believe I can change anymore. This is coming from a man who everyone knows has the biggest heart so that is making it even harder on me. He said in old cards to me how I made such a big impact on his life and how I am one of a kind and my smile melts his heart etc. He had plans only 2 weeks ago to spoil me for my birthday which is in a week but I ruined it by being obnoxious and not considerate of his space. I just wish he gave me the chance to prove I am making those changes because I am filled with such regret pushing something that was so good for me away.

  3. Avatar

    Fel

    April 9, 2019 at 11:41 pm

    Hi Chris,
    Thankful to have found your page

    My boyfriend broke up with me 4 weeks ago,
    Our relationship were great at the beginning, we had lots of fun time together.
    But things start to change his attitude towards me became colder and wasn’t treating me as like before.
    My relationship had been on and off.
    With exchange words and arguments that hurt us.
    This isn’t the first time, he wanted to end things with me.
    And the previous time he was the one who bring it up too. But, the next day he come pleading me and say he wouldn’t want to lose me and he need me and even apologise for the things he said with a promise.

    But things start to repeat again, and he call it to end. And told me he want to focus on his career.

    We haven’t been talking and he hasn’t been responsive to my text. Is it really over?
    What can I do to bring this back

  4. Avatar

    Cher

    March 31, 2019 at 3:30 pm

    I broke up with my ex boyfriend about a week ago. We were on a fight and I suggested it, but after a week I regretted that and I asked him back. He insisted being friends is better for me and for both of us. I counted this conversation as the real break-up.

    We had lots of fights about living together – I want to but he doesn’t. I regretted forcing him to do that and I want to take back every mean things I have ever said to him. Every time I asked to break up (bad habit!), he would ask me back, but since this time he insisted being friends for more than three days already, I know he’s dead serious.

    Is there still a chance to be back together? My gut feeling tells me that since he’s German, there’s no way he will ever change his mind, but I want him back so badly.

    He initiated that we stay friends and he said he will try his best to be a good friend because he still wants to support me in my dreams and plans etc. I refused and I said I don’t think it’s a good idea to stay friends, partly because I don’t think it’s healthy for me to move on like that.

    I miss him a lot, and I love him so much. I know he still have feelings for me, but he said he doesn’t think we will work since many things he did will hurt me, and the issue of living together is not something that can be fixed. I love him so much that I think everything can be fixed, but he doesn’t want it anymore.

    Should I still go through the plan?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 31, 2019 at 7:46 pm

      I do think there is a better than average chance, Cher. Best to implement sensible ex recovery plan. So tap into my Program as it can help you a lot during this post breakup period!

  5. Avatar

    S

    March 4, 2019 at 9:49 am

    Hi Chris

    My ex and I officially broke up over two years ago, but were on and off for a long time and it has now been 7 months since we last spoke. Full NC. He blocked me on everything, I deleted his number. We had been on and off so many times, it just felt like it needed to end. We both moved to different places. I have no idea how he’s been doing, but I met new people, traveled, learned new skills, had new experiences – had the best time of my life. Truly. I am so much happier with myself and my life than I’ve ever been before.

    But I still think about him all the time, and I miss him. Despite everything that happened, I still love him more than anything. Given our on-again-off-again thing that lasted over a year, and the fact that we live in different cities now, and that we literally haven’t spoken in months, I don’t think the typical method suggested here would work. Honestly, I’m not sure if anything would work. It might be completely hopeless, but I just wanted to ask. Do you see any situation in which we might be able to start over?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 4, 2019 at 11:12 pm

      Hi S…Yes, I agree. I don’t think the typical measure will gain much traction. Sometimes its best to detach from the ex and move forward on your own path. Sometimes these guys who are stubborn and standoffish will come to see things differently with the passage of time. Its happened before. No guarantees, but one needs to move forward with their on life, though you need not completely sever the tie in the event he resurfaces.

  6. Avatar

    Hi

    January 22, 2019 at 6:37 pm

    Hi,
    My ex-boyfriend and I broke up a month ago. We said that we still wanted to remain good friends and continue texting and seeing each other. However, so far every time I have asked him to hang out, he has either not responded or said he couldn’t hang out. I have also noticed that his replies to my texts have become rarer and now I have not heard from him in over a week. I have texted him several times since the last time we spoke, which seemed to be a normal conversation, and he has not responded. He did say at one point that he wasn’t going to answer every time but it seems odd that he appears to have suddenly cut all contact. Could he have blocked me or is he intentionally ignoring me? I’m not sure what to think. I know I made some mistakes after we broke up, getting emotional and sending too many texts and complaining that we weren’t talking and hanging out as much as we said we would. Is there still a chance things will get better? Thank you for any help you are able to provide.

  7. Avatar

    Steph

    January 21, 2019 at 2:30 am

    Does this timeframe apply after a second breakup?
    Both breakups were out of the blue! The first time was after two years. This time after one year with no official label.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 21, 2019 at 3:47 am

      Hi Steph! Yes, I do believe the principles, concepts, ideas, and tactics apply for many people and many situations, across time. Even if its is the second time around.

  8. Avatar

    Pet

    January 12, 2019 at 9:29 pm

    Hi Chris. My bf of 2 years (1 yr spebt outside the country) broke up with me like two months now, we had a distant relationship, he travelled for one year only to come back and not be the same person anymore. He complained about alot of things i did and so when he came back he was in a rather sad state towards me. We live in different cities but i went to see him for like a week when he got back but that stay was filled with so much tension between us, he hardly even connnected with me like before. I left the city and he refused me ever visiting him again. Our communication kept deteriorating, things kept getting worse, he started hanging out with other girls, i’d ask why and he’d say he’s trying to move on until finally he bailed out on me. I went as crazy, begging (ive being doing this even before he broke up cause I already knew things were about to come to an end), crying, pleading but all was to no avail. I went to his city unannounced, he came out to see me but sent me back immediatly the next day saying he was sorry but he was already seeing someone else. I realized he was really angry for some of my actions while he was away. I came back to my city but kept buzzing him, disturbing him and crying. Until one day he told me off so badly over the phone saying there was no “us” i finally decided to go NC on him for 23 days n that 23rd day was christmas so he wished. Before then he was always viewing my story, liking my posts on instagram. So on christmas day, he wished me n it hurt so bad, before then i had totally ignored him cause he sent me a text the next day after being so harsh saying his decisions are based on him not wanting to put me into a life I could not fully express myself so its better it becomes a failed relationship than a failed marriage. He says events have shown that the career path i might choose are things he might not approve of but these I know are not true cause that i loved doing some certain things didn’t mean they had to define my career path and satisfaction. He didn’t just want to understand that. He still reached out 3 days again after telling me off by sending me an opportunity he thought might interest me, i still ignored him. So finally on christmas he wished me, after a day i replied him. On new year he did sane thing, i replied him then i reached out days later saying i needed us to see if he came visiting his parents at my city where they stay. Meanwhile he already told the mother who was very much in love with me that things were no more working out and the mother stayed away from me and called to tell me she loves me but if the son is beginning to say otherwise, i should rather let him be. I couldn’t take all of these. It was too much for me. So it happened that he came into my city on the 2nd, travelled to the village and never told me he came around only for me to chat him up on the 9th and he told me he was around but has being busy and that we could see me the next day. I realised the next day that he was already leaving and asked that I come to the airport to see him briefly. I didn’t need briefly i needed time to talk. It hurt me so much, but when I got there and asked if he wasn’t going to tell me he came around after i asked he should. He said no that he would have but that it was a matter of emergency that he left. He was all flirty with me at the airport, told me he missed me and when i asked if he was happy he said he didn’t know but he was fine. Emotions were all high between us and one could see that the attraction was still very strong he said so himself but that he had done somethings he seems not to be able to undo by seeing someone else. It happened that he moved on to a new girl at his office and they were already seeing eachother. I felt so disappointed and hurt cause I waited for him for a whole year for him to come back and do this.. He said he couldn’t do anything about it but that we could still be friends that things happen for a reason. He kept holding my hands, i could tell he missed me, he apologised for his bad behavior after the break up and said he’s really scared he might interfere so much in my career as to controlling my future and leading me to a state of discontent. He kept calling me babe through out the time we were together abd even when we texted later that day. He texted me very well that day but has not since he got back to his city. I don’t know what to do I really do love this guy and would want to spend my life with him but he feels so far away now. Chris please advice me.. Should i keep up chatting him up or let him be.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 13, 2019 at 6:27 am

      I would keep the lines of communication open and if you have not yet done so, pick up my eBook as its will help you along the way!

  9. Avatar

    Nicole

    January 10, 2019 at 12:22 am

    Hi
    About 2 weeks ago me and my boyfriend had fight and stopped talking to each other because of the ego. We’ve been dating for months and he was so in love with me he wanted to shout to the world. He was always the one who tooked the first step after fights so I think he had enough. After 3 days he unfriended me everywhere but made his instagram profile public so I could see him also because I hated if he would do that. He didn’t delete my number or blocked me on whatsapp so one night I texted him asking why he’s so angry and full of hate because we could work that out. He replied with short cold answers but since I know him very well he was acting so I would feel bad too and said that we’d better end it there. Even tho he couldn’t stay a moment without me. I’m a very cold nature and he’s romantic, caring so I can say that he felt kind of inferior in relationship. Later that day we’re both online after midnight then he suddenly blocked me on whatsapp. He is acting very childish but I think he’s hurt even tho he denied it. Now he posts storied with his girl bestfriends acting like he’s hanging out with other girl. I guarantee that he’d never done it before. He’s a matured person so he’s acting out of his way. Why do you think he does that and it’s there a chance that he would come back in your opinion? Based on the fact that we were so in love and it happened suddenly

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 10, 2019 at 1:45 am

      Hi Nicole…lots of guys do and say foolish and childish things to get attention. Best of have a sensible plan. You have my 485 page eBook Pro, right?

  10. Avatar

    Ashely

    January 8, 2019 at 6:15 pm

    Dr. Chris,
    First of great article this is a reworks look on what goes on. Well I probably the biggest mess on this site! I lost my husband of 15 years when he found out about my boyfriend of a year! After being turned away by my husband initial. Classic neediness set in and trust issue set in with the boyfriend! I meet him on a dating/hook up site… probably main problem! My husband and I hadn’t been intimate in a year and I was losing it so I reach out to this site. No excuse my actions! The bf and I at first made it all about sex and nothing else…. of course feels began and I started spending more time with him and his friends! He told me how much he cared, wanted me and hated that was married! But never asked me to end it! At that point I was selfish and I wanted both worlds! He was an escape from my family! After all said and done my husband is willing to make it work! I lost my feeling or they are displaced for him! I want my boyfriend back! But after separating from my husband! I grow crazy clingy! I never lived alone! Plus we had a break up period of a month and the BF had a hook up with an ex! And I went jealous crazy! But then realize how would I put that on him…. I am the married one and i said it was ok! He had obviously ended by what the note had said. I was at his place and came back and there was a note of the door from his hook up. My BF is still talking to me but it not the same…. and hasn’t been in awhile! I think I broke it! I am the texting 3:1 and for sure have trust issues! It’s a crazy mess! I want him back … Any suggestions

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 8, 2019 at 11:10 pm

      Hi Ashley!

      Thanks for your kind words.That is indeed a complex tale.It’s getting convoluted. Perhaps you need to take some alone time and just reflect on the things in your life that make you happy and fulfilled and decide what path you wish to take that will lead you more in the direction of achieving those things. Sometimes we need time to find our deepest feelings that lie inside us.

  11. Avatar

    Marina Hibberd

    December 28, 2018 at 5:43 am

    Hi Chris,
    I met my ex bf 3 years ago and 2 years ago in November his dad was diagnosed with cancer and and at that time he pushed me away,not communicating with me, not going out. In March 2017 we broke up. I didn’t speak to him for 3 weeks in April 2017and we had a big argument end of May 2017 and I cut him he came back after 6 weeks. I had a anxiety breakdown in that time. I started to get better then he cane back. We was going to see how we got on. We did get back together in September but then his dad got worse and the same pattern happened again. I felt like he could never be honest with me and I didn’t know where I stood as he kept saying let’s see how it goes and no commitment and I kept asking what are we and would argue. I had a gynaecology operation for endometriosis on December the 7th and am still recovering. 4 days before that had my auntie’s funeral and was a big part of my life and has affected me but know she’s not in pain now. He didn’t support me over it then 9 days post operative told me he don’t love me anymore and knew for about a month. Said was fed up with the amount of texts I sent and the arguments. But he would never respond and I would get more anxious and upset and stressed which isn’t like me. I’ve not txt him for 4 days so I can have some time for me to sort myself out as he’s really broken my heart again.
    I think when he don’t get any attention he comes crawling back. I’ve tried to be amicable and be friends and to be nice to each other like adults. I feel he blows hot and cold with me and gives me mixed messages. I feel so hurt and confused. He said would help me with my pets and not even seen me or asked me how I am recovering after my operation. I was in hospital for 3 days and didn’t even see visit me till I got home.

    This some things he said to me.

    I don’t think it’s wise to see each other over xmas
    Let’s see ok I’m not promising anything ok
    To much has been said to be civil
    Your going to make it worse aren’t you there’s no easy way and staying in contact won’t solve anything
    I won’t be meeting you
    Nothing to say let’s just move on i explained the other night why.
    Inthink all the arguments over the past ten months or longer have just made us grow apart. Yes maybe I should of told you sooner that I didn’t love you. As I said my main focus is my dad.
    I don’t think we’re ever be amicable to much has gone on sorry.
    Can you just leave me be please I don’t no if to meet over Christmas the more you start texting the less likely I will meet.
    I told you I’ll meet next year.

  12. Avatar

    Ky

    December 27, 2018 at 8:38 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I broke things off somewhat mutually about 3-4 months ago. Mainly because it was long distance and other petty factors. It was hard for me. I tried hard convincing him. He means a lot to me. we didn’t talk for those 3-4 months. But we stayed in each other’s social media feeds and liked each other’s posts and watched each other’s stories. A week ago he unfollowed me. I ended up wishing him a merry Christmas and got a nice text back. I kept it light and then I said how I apologize for how things went down. He said it was fine and that it was mutual. Just that he doesn’t know if this could work cause of his busy sceduale and long distance. I said I understand but I wanted him in my life and that I missed talking to him. And then told him of something funny that reminded me of him to keep it fun. Haven’t heard back. What do I do? Has he written me out of his life and just doesn’t want to tell me he’s done with me?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 28, 2018 at 4:07 am

      Hi Ky!

      I think its too early to try no contact. Continue to try to rebuild communications, but think in terms of little steps. Avoid trying to hash out relationship topics. Just keep things positive, showing kindness. But go slow and allow him to get re-calibrated.

  13. Avatar

    Hi

    December 27, 2018 at 8:02 pm

    I did no contact and when I reached out he was really responsive, we talked for a couple days catching up and I thought things were heading in a good direction but now we barley talk. We do talk everyday and it’s usually him that initiates the conversation but when I answer his text, he doesn’t respond. Sometimes I will text him first and he always answers but then once I reply again, he doesn’t respond. It’s been exactly a week today since I first reached out and I understand it’ll take time to get back to where we were, but I don’t see how that can even happen at this point when we’re barley talking. I think the most confusing part is that he initiates or always answers my initial text, but never puts in effort to keep it going so I’m not sure why he even bothers to text/answer me. Should I just wait it out and see what happens or should I be straight forward with him next time he texts me and tell him where I want this to go and that if he doesn’t want that he should stop texting me?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 27, 2018 at 8:40 pm

      Give it some more time and if things don’t improve, you may want to have that heart to heart conversation to explore where he stands.

  14. Avatar

    Emily

    December 27, 2018 at 12:55 am

    today I ran into my ex, he was trying to talk to me but I acted cold towards him and he noticed the change right away. I did it because he’s hiding things from me and doesn’t think I know. Is he going to hate me now?? I don’t like acting that way and I never have but im really tired of him always trying to see right through me. I want him to realize what he’s missing out on, but he’s in a relationship now. Are our chances of being back together 0 to none? I’m upset with myself acting that way, it hurt me to act like that but I think it’s time for him to realize that he really hurt me, and I still care.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 27, 2018 at 3:45 am

      Hi Emily!

      Probably best if you have an ex recovery plan to better your chances.That’s what I offer to folks here in the form of my eBooks which serve as comprehensive Companion Guides. I knows it hard to juggle all the mixed feelings post breakup.

  15. Avatar

    Riku

    December 25, 2018 at 4:11 am

    Hi Chris,
    Reaching out to you cause you seem to have more of a glide path to these situations. I’m unsure if I broke up with him or he broke off with me, we were in a relationship for a year as a couple but initially we started as best friends. To make it short there were many arguments mostly because my mother did not agree with the relationship, Him always acting selfish (felt he didn’t make me a priority vs me making him a priority)and work. He is very kind, but at times I felt he was with me to pass time, anyways in September he mentioned to me that there was a girl at his job that was flirting with him and she made him aware of it, I paid it no attention cause I trusted him to later find out 2 weeks later that he during the times we weren’t together he was going out with her, kissing and having inappropriate conversations via WhatsApp. I confronted him, he said he would cut everything with that woman but I learned later on that he did not. We got into a huge argument were he said he was tired and didn’t want to be in the relationship cause if he did the other girl will no longer talk to him.Chris, I want to know, was any of the time we spent together to any value to him and if could I win him back?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 25, 2018 at 11:48 pm

      Hi Riku!

      Breakups and aftermaths are often confusing. You will likely benefit from taking a long break from him, focusing on your healing and recovery after what he has done. The idea is to also cause him to come to appreciate more that time you spent together and value it. My Program gets into all of this and more.

  16. Avatar

    Mia

    December 24, 2018 at 5:34 am

    My ex and I had a super messy break up, we started off amazing and lasted a year and 6 months. There was drama from his family and I kind of got sick of it and started to retaliate, he let his mother be way too invasive in our relationship and it drove me nuts. Some extremely big things happened where I needed his support and his mother took it away. She once told him he couldn’t talk to me unless I had an abortion (were 20 btw) and just so much nonsense. I started to fight back but eventually gave up and started to drift away from him. He wouldn’t get his own car or phone which also drove me crazy. Eventually when I started to pull away he started to do cute things like bring me flowers and what not, he started being active in the relationship but never committed fully. Fast forward, I found out he lied about so much and when I got mad, he just changed his number so I just decided to do the 30 day no contact, I’m on day 22, blocked him on everything and then I unblocked him, out of curiousity, last night & saw he made a post about how wrong I wasn’t for him and he cut me off and blah blah blah, is it even worth it? We have had amazing moments but I feel like he just doesn’t want to grow up. What do I do? And did he make the status because no contact is working or? I have a child of my own and he was important to both of us but I’m not sure anymore

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 24, 2018 at 10:51 pm

      Hi Mia….yep….drama that is helped triggered by family can be some of the worst. Your ex does seem to be demonstrating some immature behavior after all this time. Or it may be he is holding on to some resentment.

      At the very least, I would suggest you continue your No Contact, but make your focus the recovery/healing side of the NC principle. I talk about this in great detail in my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”.

  17. Avatar

    Anissa

    December 22, 2018 at 7:30 pm

    One day I seen my ex he completely ignored me cold. I felt more broken. I found out he already got a girlfriend after a month of our breakup. I’ve been doing a lot better I graduated, got a new job & been keeping busy. Surprisingly he congratulated me. I seen him the next day & also was surprised he came up to talk to me since he last acted like a jerk. He seemed happy for me & he said it was nice seeming me. He’s been keeping tabs on me as well but blocks me from his posts. I realize I’m still not over it I don’t know why I still have this hope he’ll come back.. it’s been 3 months. I don’t want to be just friends knowing he’s with someone. It hurts.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 23, 2018 at 4:14 am

      Hi Anissa! I am so sorry you feel broken. But you can pick up the pieces and heal. I have a lot of resources on my site and a great deal of help I offer in my eBooks that can help you in the healing department and with your recovery efforts

  18. Avatar

    Melody E

    December 22, 2018 at 2:10 pm

    Hi,
    My boyfriend of 9 months left me a week ago. We have had 3 other break ups (all due to the same reason – little arguments in general) over those 9 months but we work through them and he’s back in the relationship within a couple days. We were also living together for the past few months and talked about marriage in the future.
    This time seems different. He’s been more cold but has answered my calls and we talk for over an hour. I tried to go without contact but I break down after 24 hours. He says he still loves me but I crossed the line during our last fight when he was drunk and angry and kept putting his fingers on my mouth to make me stop talking and I told him to stop. He wouldn’t calm down and I refused to leave he then tried making me leave and threatened to call the cops and I said I would call them if he put his hands on me aggressively(which he never has and I never thought he would – just wanted to say something to get his attention). Apparently me threatening his character like that was the last straw. He brought up all the little argument from the past and said all that made him leave. We saw each other twice since the break up to exchange our things and he kissed me twice. After the second time he told me to not read into it. He doesn’t want to date anyone else or anything like that – he just wants to be alone and not fight with someone because it reminds him of his childhood when his now divorced parents would fight.
    He’s been very sweet and loving but finally said we had to stop talking because it wasn’t helping either one of us and I told him the ball eas in his court now whether or not we talk later. He said he’s for sure done but doesn’t know what the future holds.
    What do I do? I can’t sleep, I can’t stay at my house because everything reminds me of him and it hurts too much.
    Help!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 23, 2018 at 4:16 am

      Hi Melody!

      So sometimes just give him time and space can awaken his sense of perspective as to the right thing to do. Being alone is not a long term solution. Meanwhile, there are many things you can do to recover and focus on being the best “you”. Pick up any of my eBooks to help show you the way as I can only explain so much here in the comment section!

  19. Avatar

    confused

    December 17, 2018 at 9:26 pm

    Hi There,

    My ex and I broke up a little less than two months ago. We had been together for a year and a half, and our relationship was amazing, we share many of the same interests, we have traveled all over the world together, and never fight. The primary issue is that was married for 20 yrs before getting divorced and we met quite soon after the divorce (about 6 months). So it has been two years since the divorce but I am scared that he has not taken the time to emotionally recover. Most of the time his actions and words convince me that he is ready for a relationship (things between us have not remained stagnant but have progressed significantly over the last 18 months) but he occasionally regresses and pulls away particularly after we spend time being vulnerable together and tells me that hes scared he will disappoint me and fail and is still not sure what he is capable of long term. So about two months ago I decided to tell him that we shouldn’t see each other anymore because I wasn’t sure if the relationship was healthy for me he agreed and we didn’t get overly emotional or into the details. I regret it and want to be with him. After ending things “mutually” I did not contact him for 21 days (though he did reach out to me several times, calls and texts) I responded lightly and shortly. After 3 weeks I sent him a text and he instantly responded and asked if I would meet him for lunch, we had a casual fun lunch nothing more. Over the following three weeks we texted back and forth and then he asked me to dinner, we had a great time catching up and he asked me if I was seeing anyone I told him we didn’t need to discuss those things with each other. He agreed but didn’t understand why I told him we could maybe talk about it another time. We kissed but nothing more and discussed celebrating his bday together in a month. I sent him a few messages in the following days and he responded but he did not contact me first. 2 days ago I messaged him saying hi and he instantly responded asking if I wanted to get together for dinner this week. I said yes we should and also that I missed him. He read the messages and did not respond… and now I am feeling confused and wondering if and when I should contact him to ask if we want to see each other before traveling over the holidays…I feel like things are going well and I am willing to be patient and wait but I am getting lost and confused on what to expect in between the “dates” communication wise and also the amount of time that passes if I really do want to get back together…

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 17, 2018 at 10:41 pm

      I understand….its easy to be confused with so much going on. But there are some positives here. Yes, patience is key!

  20. Avatar

    kay

    December 16, 2018 at 10:55 pm

    Thank you for the reply I really do appreciate it. I agree with all you say also. The break up came from a fall out we had over me completely over reacting and saying mean things… we were long distance for a year due to work and he had been in trouble health wise. I had asked him to let me know he get somewhere safe, he got back to me a long time after and brushed aside how I felt , and I reacted in a pathetic manner to be honest. he said from this point I had let him down in life and something switched inside where it changed for in love to just care/love because I’m the mother of his children. I’m baffled how that can actually happen. the fact he said I let him down in life over that one matter… and the fact he can’t remember everything else and the sacrifices I made for him really hurts. He only sees me doing wrong and not acknowledges anything he does. Would limited contact make me seem negative? I have began implementing this and he has commented saying I now have a negative energy around me “just like I did in the past” so I feel that I’m getting attacked in everything I do or say. Thank you again for the advice. Kay

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 17, 2018 at 10:50 pm

      Hi Kay…..some guys can be selfish like that in the sense they seldom take a deep look into the mirror asking themselves what they could do differently. It seems to me he is the on possessing all the negative energy by virtue of his negative commentary.

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