Your boyfriend says he wants a break and I am guessing you don’t.

Maybe you’ve told your friends and family that you sense a breakup is coming and then when they press you for details all you can tell them is,

I just have this feeling

But they aren’t locked in your head. They haven’t obsessed about every detail and interaction you’ve had with him.

And then it comes…

The dreaded,

Let’s take a break

And that leads us to the topic of today’s article.

What the heck are you supposed to do if you find yourself in this situation.

Well, what if I told you that I have come up with a very unique three step process to guide you through this very difficult time.

The Three Things You Need To Do If Your Boyfriend Says He Wants A Break

You’ll find that where I stand on this situation differs from most outlets.

You see, most people like to tell you to handle things the “politically correct” way. They’ll tell you that you shouldn’t play games and that if you set something you love free it’ll come back.

I don’t subscribe to these beliefs.

All I care about are results.

And in my experience letting things “just sit” doesn’t work too well.

But more on that in a minute.

There are three things that I want you to do if you find yourself in a situation where your boyfriend says he wants a break.

  1. Understand that the two of you are broken up, you aren’t a break
  2. Don’t try to fix things immediately
  3. Utilize a form of no contact

I’d like to go through each of these things one by one so that you know exactly where I stand on them and you can have an idea of what can ultimately get you results.

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1. Understand That The Two Of You Are Broken Up

Every time I gear up to write one of these articles I do research.

This research comes in many different phases.

  • First, I’ll map out a strategy that I think will work
  • Next, I’ll cross reference that strategy with what I am seeing with clients or other people that I am working with
  • Finally, I’ll search and see what my peers are recommending to see how my strategy compares to theirs

Interestingly when I started looking at my peers for this article I learned that our strategies are vastly different.

The general consensus with them was,

See if you can work it out by setting ground rules for a break

Honestly, I think they’ve just watched a few too many episodes of friends,

Now, you may not agree with what I am about to say but honestly is there any difference between being on a break and being broken up?

People will have you believe that if you are on a break that you can pause the relationship.

That you need time to sort out your feelings and that when the break is over you can let your partner in on those feelings. But I find reality is much harsher than fantasy.

In almost every case I have found that a break is simply the gateway to a breakup.

And if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense.

You go on a break when something doesn’t feel right.

You go on a break when you feel that something with the relationship is broken.

You don’t go on a break when things are great.

Break = Broken Up

I want you to do something for me.

Every time you think of this “break” I want you to replace that terminology with “break up.”

The sooner you undergo this paradigm shift the better for what’s to come.

Actually, rather than having me ramble on here I’d like to talk about what’s to come.

2. Don’t Immediately Try To Fix Things

Human beings tend to be reactionary when it comes to breakups.

It’s a bit of cause and effect at play.

Your ex breaks up with you (cause)

You try to fix things as soon as possible (effect)

But what if I told you that the worst thing that you could do would be to try to fix things right now?

You found this article, probably through Google, which means that you typed in some variation of,

“What am I supposed to do if my boyfriend tells me he wants to go on a break?”

This implies that it was him that initiated the “break up.”

So, from his perspective he is in a position of power and you are in a position of weakness. Understanding that it would make total sense if you tried to fix things as soon as possible.

If you begged…

Pleaded…

Hoped…

And you want to know why I think these are huge mistakes.

Because you are trying to fix things from a position of weakness.

It’s not that I am not a fan of “fixing things.” On the contrary, the whole purpose of this article is to put you in a position to where you can begin fixing things. However, I play to win.

So, I am going to recommend the course of action that’s going to get you the best results.

And what gets you those results are two simple concepts,

  1. Perception
  2. Timing

We are going to cover the timing aspect of this strategy when we start talking about the no contact rule. So, for now I’d like to talk to you about perception.

How Perception Plays A Role

I started this website back in 2012 to create an environment that cut through the BS out there. I wanted to get right to the heart of the matter and teach people what really worked.

And for the most part I feel like I succeeded in doing that.

But learning about what works to re-attract someone after a breakup is a little funny. As time went on and I worked with more individuals on a one on one capacity I began to refine my strategies. In other words, the current version of Chris Seiter has way better advice than the version who started this website.

Why?

Well, it’s all about perception.

Last night my daughter got sick and the first thing my wife and I did was quarantine me from the situation. Children are like little biological weapons that infect everything they touch.

(Parents, you know what I am talking about.)

Now, generally I don’t mind getting sick but ever since I started this business it’s one of my greatest fears.

Why?

Because if I go down pretty much everything else I’ve built up does.

Needless to say, I ended up sleeping in a different room from my wife and my daughter (both who are sick now) in an effort to avoid catching this nasty cold. So, I found myself with a bit of free time. I did what any self respecting person does with free time.

I fired up Netflix and started looking for a show to watch.

Ultimately I settled on a show called Peaky Blinders,

I bought into the show after about 2 minutes.

I don’t really know why but I found myself captivated. In fact, I was so captivated I stayed up till 4 AM just devouring the first few episodes.

Which in hindsight is kind of a dumb thing to do if you are trying to avoid getting sick.

Anyways, in one of the episodes a character said something that really struck me,

You don’t parley when you’re on the back foot

This quote is essentially all about perception.

For those of you who don’t know a “parley” is,

Parley: holding a conference with the opposing side to discuss terms.

So, back to the quote.

It’s all about perception because if you go into a parley where your opponent thinks they have the upper hand it isn’t going to go well for you. However, it’s a completely different story when you go into a parley and your opponent thinks you have the upper hand.

Again, it’s all about perception.

If your ex views you as,

  • Weak
  • Desperate
  • Gnatty
  • Sad

It gives them this strange upper hand and removes any mystery from the equation. And in case you didn’t know you need mystery working for you if you are going to get your ex back.

So, rather than trying to fix things immediately I say you wait until you can approach the situation from a position of strength.

Wait, how the hell can I do that?

I’d like to introduce you to the no contact rule.

3. Utilize A Form Of No Contact

Above I mentioned two ideas that tend to get more results than anything.

Do you remember what those were?

  1. Timing
  2. Perception

Well, above I talked all about perception.

The no contact rule is where timing comes into play.

Let me ask you a question.

Let’s say that the shoe was on the other foot and you told your boyfriend that you’d like to go on a break from him. It’s clear that he doesn’t want to cooperate but he plays along holding on to a shred of hope. Then, unexpectedly, your father passes away.

You and your father were unbelievably close and you are crushed by the news.

Would that be the opportune time to win your heart back if your (now) ex boyfriend tried?

Probably not.

Why?

Because the timing isn’t right.

You aren’t in a state where you are even open to the idea.

Do you see where I am going with this?

Pretty much a massive part of this battle is getting your boyfriend to the correct state where he can view you romantically.

And right after he asks for that break isn’t that time.

So, what can we do to help the “right” time to come about?

Utilize a no contact rule.

What Is The No Contact Rule? 

I’ve talked a lot about the no contact rule here, here and here.

I’ve also done quite a number of awesome videos over it,

But if you want a quick crash course,

The No Contact Rule: A period of time (21, 30, 45 days) where you completely ignore your ex in an attempt to make them miss you. It also gives you an opportunity to improve aspects of your life that you need to work on so that you can truly hit that UG status (UG = Ungettable Girl)

It’s worth mentioning that sometimes a straight no contact period isn’t ideal for your situation. If you find yourself wondering if you should be using a limited no contact rule check out that article.

Phew…

I know that didn’t look like a lot but that took a bit of work tracking down all of those links and videos 🙂 .

Anyways, you are probably sitting there wondering,

How does this even benefit me? Why should I do a no contact rule?

Well, I’ve been thinking that a lot lately.

And while I can sit here and throw out some insane statistics like how 100% of our successes within our private facebook group have utilized the no contact rule that wouldn’t really explain why it works.

Why The No Contact Rule Works

I think more than anything it’s due to the fact that it speeds up the timing of your boyfriend “being ready.” But just ignoring him for a certain amount of time isn’t going to be enough to do that alone and that’s really where the secret sauce comes into play.

Secret Sauce = What You Do During No Contact

I get upset when I am working with a client one on one and we both agree on a course of action that they need to take during a no contact rule and ultimately they don’t do it.

The no contact rule doesn’t yield the results that they were hoping for and they call me back and tell me that it didn’t work.

No….

It didn’t work because they didn’t do the most important aspect of the no contact rule and that is to use that time to change your exes perception of you.

Did the lightbulb go off yet?

There is a synergy between everything I am teaching you here.

The no contact rule hits on the timing aspect by simply ignoring your ex but it’s up to you to change his perception indirectly by using that time away wisely.

Now, how do you do that?

Well, that’s where I am going to recommend that you check out some of the other articles on this website!

12 thoughts on “What To Do If Your Boyfriend Says He Wants A Break”

  1. Avatar

    Jingwen

    March 13, 2019 at 2:09 am

    Hi Chris, I wrote over here about 10 months ago.. And I’m back here again.. Things were going alright till Monday night. We got into a argument which I strongly disapproved of him doing so but he insisted and I ended the call abruptly. Afterwards, I texted him telling him if there is any other ways in solving that issue by not using his solution. He replied, “Lets break up” Feeling so shock and confuse, I started to panic and tried to salvage the situation but I failed. Saying that he doesn’t want to talk and I should learn to respect his decision. Red flags triggered when I asked if I could come down and find him and he said that “I didn’t learn from the first breakup” and he wants to be alone. Back then I came to find him and wanted to salvage the situation but I realise I only pushed him away even further.. I immediately put a halt in trying to salvage the situation and told him I will leave him alone and apologize. Afterwards, he told me he need some time away from me and “please give me some space” which I agreed and I asked if he will let me know when he will come back to me and he rsaid he will and that this will be a separation period/break. When asked about the duration, he told me a week and that by then we decide if we want to continue the relationship… I agreed and he didn’t reply. After a day, (which was yesterday) he texted me and all, I replied him like how I always would and his replies back were so hot and cold… So I told him like im sorry and I shouldn’t have reacted that way and that if its his decision, I’ll respect him. But his only reply to that was “Don’t bother”. My heart dropped and I said I’ll give him time to cool down… It seems like he felt that I dont trust him.. I’m in a lost right now… Chris, please.. Tell me what to do…

  2. Avatar

    Feelingsad

    January 2, 2019 at 4:35 pm

    My boyfriend just asked me for a break Yesterday. We have been fighting & arguing since we came back from our mini vacation in June. He started to grow distant. He has most of his clothing at my house. I totally flipped out, cursed him out & told him to come & get his shit. He says he loves me & The only reason why he wants a break is because his finances are poor. He says he’s very unhappy with how his finances are right now and he needs to focus on himself. I don’t believe he loves me because if a man really loved you he would not want a break from you and give a Nother man the opportunity to be with you. I’m so hurt.

  3. Avatar

    Nitaka Yung

    January 1, 2019 at 4:44 am

    My boyfriend said to take a break on Christmas and that he would give me an answer later in February. I cried and begged him a little, but then got hold of myself. I then ranted because I was in a very pressurised condition these months and had been contemplating suicide. He then messaged me the next day that he still loves me a lot and would give me an answer in January. I didn’t reply him because I didn’t know what to reply. Then he proceeded to delete the photos of us together on social media 3 days after, and became very active on social media. I thought it would be better to either end it or discuss it, so I reached out to him 5 days later and scheduled a meeting this Saturday to talk clearly about our relationship. What should I say to him? How can I avoid deal breakers? Should I try to convince him to come back? Or should I go NC after he breaks up with me?
    I’m not sure if he wants to break up with me fast to get back with his ex, because it sounds very sudden. We were having a great time in December and he suddenly asked for a break.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 1, 2019 at 5:40 pm

      Hi Nitaka!

      Yes, if there is a breakup, you should initiate No Contact, but do it for yourself so you can focus on your healing and recovery and well being. That is more important than anything. Just be calm and avoid conflict if you do meet up with him. If he says things about the relationship you disagree with, accept his input as his opinion. Don’t argue. Share your feelings.

      You mentioned you were contemplating suicide. Remember, you matter and are important to many people.

      If you are feeling depressed and/or suicidal, there is help for you.

      The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis.

      The owners and staff of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery website are not licensed counselors, so if you are at risk for suicide, homicide or other harm or injury, please call 911 or seek other help (such as a hospital emergency room or doctor’s care) immediately. If you need help from the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, please dial:

      1-800-273-TALK (8255)
      You will be routed to the closest possible crisis center in your area. With over 120 crisis centers across the country, their mission is to provide immediate assistance to anyone seeking mental health services. Call for yourself, or someone you care about. Your call is free and confidential.

  4. Avatar

    Kathrene

    December 28, 2018 at 4:20 pm

    Hei! Is it still okay to do the no contact rule if we have been in contact since the “ break”.He took his things and moved out on Christmas.It has been 5 days. He said he missed me bla bla but won’t schedule a meeting. He did actually wanna see and then canceled. I was the one who called him after 3 days and he said he missed me and etc. He also asked me on a possible double date on 30.12. He is being hot and cold. He is giving me so many mixed signals. What should I do?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 29, 2018 at 2:21 am

      Hi Kathrene!

      You are right…hot and cold doesn’t cut it. NC is in play if he doesn’t start showing some consistency.

  5. Avatar

    Jasmine

    November 30, 2018 at 9:33 pm

    So, my boyfriend (I guess now ex) asked for a break a few weeks ago, to “be happy by himself,” and to “re-balance himself.” I was/am completely for him trying to be able to make himself happy when we’re not together, but told me he loves me so much after he told all this to me. This was a total shock for me because things between us had been very good and we hadn’t had any issues recently. Now I have never been on a break and in these last few weeks I’ve been doing the exact opposite of what was recommended in the article. I usually leave him alone to do whatever he needs to do unless he messages me, and then we’ll have full on conversations where he’ll flirt and act like everything is normal, or comes to see me while in between classes at college, where things are pleasant but I don’t know how to act so it feels awkward. We also hooked up once recently, which was very confusing to me and I asked him for answers about that and made him angry. Is it too late to begin these strategies? What would you recommend I do?

  6. Avatar

    Lola

    September 22, 2018 at 11:08 am

    Please leave the b****d, I once felt this way too. Go find u someone who appreciates u that sees u as a flower he has to water everyday.that loves u to the brim and that respects your feelings.Dont keep hanging there. U would only be doing worse things to yourself .

  7. Avatar

    Cala

    March 9, 2018 at 11:05 pm

    Not sure where to leave this comment, but say for instance that everything is going smoothly in no contact phase (he split with me because he says he doesn’t love me anymore but literally everything else points at him just being afraid to commit to trying again when we were so on and off before (my own fault). I’ve been doing great on bettering myself the last 3 weeks, but I heard from our mutual friend that he suddenly wants to get girls but he had told me that he didn’t want to date period for a while. I’m not sure if this is how he’s actually felt (which makes me angry because he acted like he didn’t want to date period before and now does aka not me) or if he’s saying this to act nonchalant about our split. I was his first girlfriend, we dated nearly 2 whole years, and he only has 1 friend (who’s coincidentally my best guy friend). How can I take my mind off this, ideally I’d just try to clarify it but no contact is going on so I’m not down to break that, especially if it makes him think about our past and failed ship. What can I do?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 13, 2018 at 4:41 pm

      Hi Cala,

      what do you mean that you want to clarify it? You want to ask him if he wants to date other girls? If yes, don’t ask it, ever..

  8. Avatar

    anna

    March 9, 2018 at 7:27 pm

    My guy cannot live without me. He says he wants me in his life forever… loves being with me. He wants to have fun together AND HAVE ME IN HIS LIFE FOREVER . But he does not want to call it dating. He has even insinuated that he wants to still continue with me IF HE FINDS SOMEONE ELSE to have a relationship with. He actually thought this would be flattering!! He bounces between I love you… I dont want a relationship… I want FWB… I want you always. I AM SO ANGRY with him. We DO have fun together. I just wanted to do that I didnt even REQUIRE a full blown forever commitment just open future options! Anyway I told him this was unacceptable to me. And I have cut him off. I just wonder… will he regret me? Will he wake up and see sense or is he just the emotional idiot I think he is. I ADORED this man. And we are perfect together for fun and sex. I cannot imagine what else he could be looking for. We have been doing this for 8 YEARS on and off. Did I do something wrong? I am prepared to get over it. I think it will take a looooong time. I am so angry. At him at myself. Thoughts?????

  9. Avatar

    Nicole

    March 7, 2018 at 1:40 am

    Hi, I just wanted to get this out of my system so here goes nothing.

    I’m 10 days into NC, hoping I’d move on soon and improve myself. We broke up over 2 months ago, though he only said he wanted to take a break, take off our BF/GF status and see what happens in the future. I was devastated, I wanted to keep doing what we used to.
    After that, I started noticing he was getting close to one of our friends, TOO close that I started to panic, so I told him about it. He told me why, and kept saying I was just overthinking. I tried opening up to him once about my jealousy, he just replied with, “I don’t know what to say.”

    Last new year’s, I saw he was playing a game with her and didn’t invite me like he used to when we started dating, I immediately assumed he no longer cared for me and wanted to be with her instead. So I snapped, then it ended up with him telling me something like, “Let’s not try to fix this anymore, but I want us to stay friends.”

    I tried NC before but failed, I just couldn’t get him out of my mind. Now he’s just trying to make small talks with me, but still I kept thinking “He’s giving his whole life to this girl while I’m being left alone.”

    Another factor that is making NC really hard for me is we’re classmates, we have to meet four days a week. And him talking and spending most of his time withe her is making me crazy. I just want him back, and I’m trying my best not to talk to him but instead answer whatever he asks and just nod my head if he says something unimportant.
    It doesn’t seem like he’s missing me at all, just small talk about his hamsters or something else, nothing about our relationship or what he’s been up to.

    I just hope I can get through NC, do something for myself, and get rid of my negative thoughts and emotions. I just want to stop crying every single day, I want to stop overthinking. But I want to know if he’s looking for a relationship with this girl (he once said when we started dating 2 years ago that he didn’t have any feelings for her, and that he loved me, I’m just bummed he wouldn’t say the same anymore).

    At this point I just don’t want to see the both of them. I want them gone. I’ve read a lot of articles in this website, I hoping I can move on.
    Should I continue NC? Or just tell him everything I want to say? I have an overseas trip in June and I’ll be there for a month. Should I wait for that time to do NC? I just can’t handle being the third wheel right now. It’s killing me.

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