Using social media after your breakup can be a bit tricky because you want to be on your ex’s radar without appearing too desperate for his attention.
Today we’re going to talk about the rules for handling Instagram after a breakup.
And oddly, before I get into the details of using Instagram after a breakup, I want to talk about a strategy that’s completely unrelated to Instagram – the no contact rule.
The no contact rule is a period of 21-45 days where you cut off all contact with your ex in attempts to make them miss you, while you figure out your life without them.
Most of my conversations about the no contact rule are about the merits and technicalities of life during the no contact rule, but I’m bringing it up today to show you how Instagram and other social media platforms have HUGE success during the no contact rule.
The FIRST thing we recommend to anyone going through a breakup is to implement a no contact rule.
However, we’ve found that the no contact rule applies differently to social media, and having a social media blackout towards your ex might not be the best idea.
In fact, social media is your indirect way of communicating with your ex after a breakup if you’re amid a note contact rule, and that is why we recommend carefully curating your social media to portray the exact image you want.
The remainder of this article is under the assumption that you’re in a no-contact rule where you’re purposefully ignoring your ex by pressing reset on your life.
Interesting Statistics About Social Media
Before we get into the specifics of what you should post, let’s look at some key statistics about Instagram and other social media platforms that you might not have heard of:
- 88% of people will use social media to check up on their ex’s
- 70% of people have admitted to using a friend’s profile to check on their ex
- 50% of individuals will delete pictures of their ex after a breakup
- 31% of people will post photos in an attempt to make their ex jealous.
Now the one statistic that really stood out to me was the fact that half of all people will delete their pictures after a breakup.
More than half the questions I get every day are about whether people should delete pictures with their ex after a breakup.
We think you should delete your pictures, except maybe a handful.
The thinking behind this is, if you’re in the midst of a note contact rule, then you can pretty much only indirectly communicate with your ex through social media.
You’re basically taking risks under the assumption that they’re going to be paying attention to what you’re posting.
Think of it like this: if you delete all your pictures together except maybe one or two, your ex will see that and be super curious as to why you left those pictures there. They might even come back to stalk your profile, again and again, to see if those photos are still up, or if you’ve archived any more photos.
This constant back and forth addiction state where they have to see what you’re doing means they’re up to date with the latest posts on your page.
Congrats, you’re always at the forefront of your ex’s mind.
But now that you have their attention, what do you do with it?
Coming Up With An Overall Goal For Instagram
When it comes to Instagram or any other social media platform, you should always have an endgame.
We believe that the best approach you can take with your social media platforms is to beat your ex’s negative projection of you.
After breakups, we tend to remember the worst aspects of our ex’s personality and use those negative parts to cloud their whole nature. Your ex probably created a false projection of you like this too, and you can use your social media to challenge that.
Let’s say, your ex views you as a boring person, and that perception takes over their whole projection of you after a breakup. Well, what better way to challenge that projection than posting pictures or videos of you doing exciting things that your ex never thought he’d see you do? Your new social media presence might even make them challenge if they knew you as well as they thought they did.
This also applies to accidentally running into an ex after a no contact rule.
If you’ve been on top of your social media game, your ex will have noticed that you reinvented yourself, so all their negative projections will be torn down, leaving way for you to cement a new, positive impression.
And to further cement this mindset we’ve come up with some pretty awesome rules that you probably need to follow with instagram.
Rule # 1: You Need To Be The Subject Of The Picture
If you’re the kind of person who has anything or anyone in your profile picture other than yourself, this one’s about to hurt.
I get so annoyed every time I see someone pop up on a Livestream on my private Facebook group, and their profile picture isn’t a picture of themselves because they’re clearly not putting their best foot forward.
I get it, we all have some favorite anime shows or pets, and the idea of having their pictures as our display sounds cute.
Here’s the thing, though: it’s classic deflection.
When you’re using social media with the intention of sending subliminal messages to your ex, what do you think sends a stronger message – a bold picture of you or a picture of your favorite anime?
A picture of you shows that you’re outgoing and having fun without being too broken up, whereas an anime picture creates the image of someone snuggling at home in their PJs watching anime and eating ice cream.
It’s okay if that’s how you feel, but is that really how you want your ex to perceive you?
So, take the stage and let your profile reflect YOU.
Rule # 2: The Photo Needs To Be Will Lit
Bad lighting in photos is definitely another pet peeve of mine because the lighting is SO important to the overall vibe of a picture.
No, I’m not asking everyone to buy a ring light or have an extensive outdoor photography session (unless you want to), but taking pictures in a dark rook with lots of shadows isn’t going to cut it either.
When you take poorly lit pictures, in bad postures where your face is barely showing, it puts forward an embarrassed and self-conscious image, and that’s not what we want to do during the no contact rule.
I was recently listening to this interview with a monk where the following words really resonated with me –”The genius is the one who is most like himself.”
It’s really that simple even when you’re taking pictures.
You have to put your most confident and bright self on camera, so the best aspects of your personality shine through. Good lighting can take a beautiful smile and turn it into a fashion statement, so don’t sell yourself short.
Also, a big part of the no contact rule is re-inventing yourself, so maybe its time to let go of your inhibitions about how others (especially your ex) see you so that you can see yourself in a new way.
Sometimes, taking a well-lit photo is the perfect ego-boost you need to love yourself (and it gets your ex’s attention too!)
Rule # 3: All Pictures Should Follow The Two Thirds Rule
This is relatively new to our process, and its an absolutely genius technique used by photographers called the two-thirds rule.
When photographers are trying to figure out where to position a subject, they imagine a three by three grid over the top of every picture they take, and they try to structure every shot so that the subject takes up two-thirds.
No more, no less.
They make as many adjustments as necessary until the perfect two-thirds ratio is achieved. Here are a few examples of such “perfect photos”:
See how each of these photos is taking up no more and no less than two-thirds of the image, regardless of whether the subject is on the side or in the middle.
The magical two-thirds rule brings just the right amount of focus onto a subject, so it looks like there’s depth and personality to them. This rule also applies to selfies, so look for the grid option on your camera to get your perfect two-thirds selfies.
Rule # 4: Showcase Yourself Doing Things That Beat Your Exes Negative Projections Of You.
So now that you know HOW you should be posting let’s talk about exactly what you should be posting.
As I’ve stated already, your ex will have a negative projection of you, and your goal for Instagram is to challenge and overturn their ideas.
Your ex may think you’re boring or selfish or arrogant, but there are ways to prove them wrong with your posts.
Let’s say your ex accuses you of being selfish and self-centered throughout your relationship.
Well, one of the best things you can do to overcome this negative projection of you is to go out and invest time in your community.
You can volunteer at Habitat for Humanity or your local soup kitchen and post pictures of yourself doing it.
You’ll feel great for helping others, and you’ll impress your ex too – win-win!
Now, what if your ex perceived you as being the most boring person alive.
This relates back to my idea of the mystery vs. stability spectrum and how a little bit of each is necessary for successful relationships, and having too much of either is the most common reason for breakups.
If your ex thinks you’re boring, he views you as a stable force who’s unable to do adventurous or spontaneous things. So, maybe you can go skydiving and post pictures of it to shatter his negative projections.
So, there’s always something you can do and post that will challenge your ex’s negative projections of you. The hard part though, is recognizing what his negative perceptions are, where they came from, and how you can indirectly overcome them through your social media.
Rule #5: Don’t Be Afraid To Post A Jealousy Picture
Recently I’ve been talking about a lot of success stories on my youtube channel because I’m obsessed with finding patterns in people who get their exes back.
The two most common consistent trends I’ve seen are:
having a mindset change and using a bit of jealousy.
The mindset change is a big part of the no contact rule because it involves getting to a point where you honestly don’t care if your ex comes back or not because you’re living your best life. This is usually when your social media game is the best too because you’re doing amazing things.
But if you’re not quite there, you can still stir a bit of jealousy by posting on social media. Jealousy and fear of loss are huge motivators for men because they think someone else might claim you.
You can take advantage of that by threatening their instincts with a ‘tasteful’ jealousy picture.
Notice how I said ‘tasteful’ jealousy picture?
I strongly believe that when it comes to jealousy pictures, less is more.
Think more of a low key date picture as opposed to a kissing picture.
Interestingly enough, our community’s private Facebook support group has become a fantastic resource for jealousy pictures.
The group consists of over 4000 people, all going through the same struggles of a breakup and coming together to help each other.
In an effort to help each other, the members have created an album called “jealousy pictures” where people share jealousy pictures for others to use to make their exes jealous! So, all the benefits of a jealousy picture without the effort of having to go out and take one.
Let’s look at two of my favorite examples:
Aah, yes. The classic romantic wine glass clink.
This picture indicates that you’re on a romantic date, and this will send your ex’s mind in spirals.
Now, you may even just be out for a drink with your girls (on in this case, you may be using a random stranger’s picture), but your ex doesn’t need to know that.
He can let his imagination run wild and get jealous.
This picture is a stroke of genius because, at first glance, you just see some food.
But if you’re an ex stalking your ex, you’ll notice that there’s an arm/hand in the top right corner.
Your ex will see that and wonder, ” who is that? Is she on a date already? Where are they?”.
So just with an “accidental” strategic placement of a hand in a picture, you’ve successfully managed to make your ex jealous.
How often should you be posting these type of jealousy pictures?
Honestly, it depends on your situation, but I only recommend doing it once a month at the most.
Remember, less is more. Your main focus should be to combat your ex’s negative perceptions of you but throwing in a jealousy picture every now and then helps keep him on his toes too!
Your goal of using Instagram after a breakup should be to challenge the negative perceptions your ex has of you, and here are five rules that will help you achieve that:
- Always be the subject of all your pictures.
- Lighting is everything.
- Pictures should follow the two-thirds rule
- Showcase yourself doing things that directly challenge what your ex thinks of you
- Use jealousy pictures