One of the things that I am proudest about when it comes to Ex Boyfriend Recovery is the fact that we help so many women out in so many different (and unique) situations.
One of those situations is where women are going through breakups with the men they were engaged with.
Luckily, this is a situation that we have actually seen a lot of success with,
In today’s episode you are going to hear from a woman whose engagement was just broken by a man for a ridiculous reason (which I will tell you about in a second.)
What you really need to grasp as you listen to this episode is that even when a situation seems bleak there is hope.
Otherwise, you wouldn’t be seeing success stories like the one I have a screenshot of above.
Video Of Episode 59 (How To Get Him Back If You Were Engaged…)
I have a bit of an exciting announcement.
Starting next week I am going to be interviewing experts in the dating field.
People who have spent the majority of their lives helping others.
I really feel like that is going to add an interesting element to these podcasts and (hopefully) keep you engaged as you take this journey.
So, I guess what I am saying is be on the lookout for that.
The Situation Featured In This Episode
The woman who asked a question in this episode wanted to remain anonymous and as always we are going to respect that wish.
Here’s a quick recap of her situation,
- She has been with her ex for about 2 years
- He proposed to her and they had been engaged for a year
- They broke up over an argument where she compared him to her old ex husband (who he despises)
- They just moved into an apartment and are 2 months into a year long lease
- She is 4 days into the no contact rule
- She made every mistake you can think of by begging, pleading and is ashamed of it
What We Talk About In This Episode
- His reasoning for the breakup is pretty petty
- I have a feeling that he is going to regret that decision later on down the road
- He may be a commitment phobe
- The “Peak-End” Rule
- The Interdependence Theory
- Progressing very slowly
- Your situation has to be altered
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
The Glass Board For This Episode
Hello and welcome to another episode of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast. As always, excited to have you here today and as always we are filming with two really nice cameras and if you are listening to this on Itunes, we would like to welcome you to the show! Alright, so what’s going on lately? Today were going to talk about engagements. Specifically what happens if you are engaged to a man and he breaks up with you. How do you get him back? Should you get him back? Should you just try to move on? We’re going to hear from a woman named Anonymous. She didn’t leave her name for me. So, I can’t really give you her real name.
So, Anonymous has found herself in this exact situation where she was engaged to a guy, madly in love with him. They had an argument and they broke up. There’s some other external factors that are going into her situation that makes it interesting and most importantly, it makes it a challenge for me but before we get to that, I have another announcement to make.
For the first time ever, we are going to start doing live coaching on air. If that makes any sense. I suppose it’s not live because it’s not being streamed live but we are going to do coaching where you and I could potentially talk one on one. We’ll record the call. It can be an hour long call where we, you know I just give you advise on your situation and the cool thing about this is that it’s completely free. Now, I know that seems too good to be true but it isn’t and I know there’s going to be a lot of peope who want to try this out and were not going to be able to do everyone. We’re not going to be able to do this live coaching 101 on the podcast with everyone but on top of that. On top of the live coaching, are us going to start interviewing other people. Other people in the relationship industry. Other people who are Doctors who have something insightful to say about break ups or relationship in genereal. As our intention to make this podcast the best it possibly can be and the best way to do that is to start offering new types of content.
Yes, we will always do this questions where you can call in, ask me a question and I’ll feature it and I’ll do my best to answer it in about 25-30 minutes but the thing is that can get a little bit stale.
I always like to produce new types of content. When we first started ex boyfriend recovery, we just simply created articles and it was just me alone. I would create articles. I would do the best I could but eventually we hit a point where I knew you guys probably want something else. so, we created this podcast. I thought it was a great way to connect with the audience.
Of course, I wanted to do better and that’s where our Youtube channel came into play and now we are even transcending that. We want to do live coaching on the podcast and on Youtube. As well as, interviewing relationship experts out there so we can truly give you the best chance of getting your ex back or getting over your break up which is what we’re all about here.
We want one of those two avenues for you. Ok. So, enough talk. Enough chit chat. Let’s get down to business. Let’s hear Anonymous’ question as I blankly stare at the screen and listen to it.
So, long story short. I have been with my exboyfriend for two years. He proposed to me so, we have been engaged closing in on a year now and he broke up with me last week over an argument that we had where he said something hurtful and I compared him to my ex husband which he despises. In all fairness, he said if I ever did that again, he was going to leave me. We moved away from my family, from his family, for a fresh start. We’re only two months into a year long lease and my children from my previous marriage live with us. He’s super close with them and I’m really only 4 days into complete no contact after begging and pleading and doing all of that which I’m completely ashamed of at this point. I really want him back. I really love him. I really want to get married and I just don’t know what to do at this point. He’s so angry and we’re in this limbo where I’m not in a position that I can leave right now. So, I don’t really know what to do or how to modify this no contact and I just wanted to know if you can give me some insight and some feedback, some advice, I’d really appreciate it.
Alright, thank you so much anonymous for calling in and asking your question. I know it’s a difficult situation to be in especially when you are so close to getting that ring. So, I probably just going to do everything in my power to help you out and I’m also going to review one of our best success stories from a woman who found herself in a situation just like you. But first things first, let’s recap your situation. Often time, a lot of people call in, they give me fluff. So, I’m just going to talk about the most important points to your situation. So, we know what to do kind of going forward. So, you’ve been with your ex for two years. Very important point to know that. You can kind of tell the seriousness of the relationship. The longer you’ve been with the person, probably the more serious it is. He proposed to you and you’ve been engaged for a year. Which is, that’s good. I think that’s positive. You know you’re very close to getting married. Typically engagements do last that long.
You broke up over an argument where you compared to your ex husband. Now, that is a petty reason to break up and I will talk about that a little bit later. You are two months into a year long lease and your children live with you. You’re 4 days into the no contact rule but it’s kind of difficult because you do live with your ex and you don’t know how to approach that. At the same time, you’ve made pretty much the general mistake that everyone makes. You’ve begged, pleaded, prayed that he would come back and you’ve embarassed yourself but let me assure there’ s no reason to be embarrassed about this. Most of the women who come to exboyfriend recovery, who seek my help, who seek my advice are in this situation where they beg for their exes or they made a lot of mistakes. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to impact your chances negatively going forward. Obviously, it’s going to impact it negatively but not as much as you think and you find yourself in kind of a limbo position where you don’t know what to do right now and you’re hoping that I can shed light on that. Alright, so, let’s talk first about hope because I feel like a lot of the women who come to exboyfriend recovery have no hope. One of our–in fact, let rephrase that.
Our most asked question that we get every single day, “Do I have a chance?”. Women without hope ask this. They want hope and so I’m going to give that you right now. I’m going to give that you right now. I’m going to read you one of my favorite success stories from a woman named R. Weird name I know but it is a fake pen name because she didn’t want her name out there. Kind of like you Anonymous. So, R is someone who came to our website, exboyfriend recovery and commented April 19th of 2015. That’s relatively recent, within in a year. Alright, so here’s what she says.
My fiance and I broke up about a month ago and I was DESPERATE for him to come back. I begged, I cried, I even made him cry lol! I couldn’t believe that someone who prepared to marry me and spend their life with me could suddenly just decide that he no longer wanted to be with me. Whatever. I quickly dried my tears and in my typically R style, I brainstormed. I Googled like you have never seen a woman Google. I spent hours and hours trying to fair out not only what he wanted, but how to get what I wanted. Well, I decided that I wanted him and then Googled the crap out of how to get my ex back. I kid you not. I read every single article that Google threw at me. Even my Facebook advertisements starts offering me solutions hahaha! However it all came to a crashing halt when I found your site. I read every single thing that I can find that was relevant to my situation and I attempted to follow every single rule that you’ve laid on table. No contact obviously killed me and I didn’t do too well at it other than not starting any conversations through Facebook, calling and others. However everything else yeah. I joined boxing, revamped my personal style, got my hair done, reached to numerous friends and family and made plans. I took this past month to really, really remember who I am. Bottomline is, I became the girl he fell in love with again. Well, long story short. He came running back with speeches of undying love and happiness. R-1, Fiance-0. I’ll invite you to the wedding. Thanks a ton. You saved my ass big time.
Pretty cool right? Pretty cool situation where someone gave us her feedback. So anonymous when you’re listening to that story, that success story, I want you to be filled with hope and know that this isn’t completely over. Ok, so let’s look at this logically. Your exboyfriend broke up with you because of an argument. An argument where you compared him to your ex husband. Now, I can see where he’s coming from. No man likes to be compared to an ex. Especially an ex that is vile or someone that you mentioned that your ex boyfriend hates with a passion but looking at this logically, isn’t that kind of petty reason to break up with someone? because they compared you to their ex in a moment of anger? I mean surely, if he’s old enough and has experienced enough relationships, he knows that sometimes when couples fight, they can be dirty. They can be really nasty. They can throw out things that they know is going to hurt the other person especially if they feel like they want to hurt the other person and I think that’s essentially what happended here. I think you found yourself in a moment of anger. You compared him to your ex and the blew a gasket. Now, to me this is actually good news.
Good news because it is a petty reason to completely throw out an engagement. You fought. Fights are normal. And if I were him and listening to this, just dude, realize, fights are normal. This kind of things happen. Don’t take it personally. She just probably said it because she was upset with the current situation and probably if you didn’t break up with her, it would have blown over the next day and things would have been smooth. That’s generally how most couples fight, at least healthy fights. So, I think it’s a good reason. I think it gives you some hope anonymous because it is a petty reason to break up with you and it is the type of reason where I can see him coming back and thinking, “You know what. I really messed up. That girl, she was the best girl. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and I messed up. I really regret the break up.”
Now, another thing to give you hope is something called, The Peak-End Rule. Have you ever heard of this? It’s really cool. It’s the psychological principle that basically states that human beings don’t remember an experience based on the sum of it’s parts. They don’t remember expereince 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 with that person. They don’t remember that. They remember it simply from the peak of the experience, the most intense exciting moment and the end.
So, when you compare that to you break up, I don’t know what your peak was but your end, personally speaking, I have seen a lot worse in my time and that gives you hope.
Definitely, definitely think when he remembers your relationship, yes he will remember the break up, which really wasn’t that bad. You compared him to your ex husband. Big wop. He’ll get over it but I think the peak of your relationship, he loved you so much he was willing to marry you. That’s a really positive sign. The peak is going to outweigh the end. I think that’s important to remember.
Especially when you’re getting an ex back because this peak end thing hold true. They’re done multiple studies in different aspects. It holds true with food. It holds true with movies. It holds true with relationships ok? And I think a key component to the peak-end is that if you’re going to have a really good chance of getting your exboyfriend back, the peak needs to outweigh the end. Essentially what you have here is an exboyfriend remembering a relationship from two points, the most exciting point, and the worst point. So, if the worst point outweighs the exciting point, chances are he may remember the relationship in a negative way. But if the peak, the high point of the relationship outweighs the end point which I think is definitely in your case Anonymous, you have a pretty good chance of getting him back, assuming you followed the directions that I give you.
Now, does that mean I am a god to getting an ex back?
Can I see the future?
Can I guarantee that you can get him back?
Can’t do that. I’m not going to lie to you. Anyone, who does do that is lying to you. I can’t guarantee that you’re going to get your exboyfriend back. All I can do is help yo improve your chances and I think I came up with a game plan for you. So, the first thing that we need to talk about is something called the interdependence theory. Something–one of my favorite theories that I’ve stumbled across recently and I keep talking about it over and over again like a broken record but that’s because that’s how much I believe in this. So, what is the interdependence theory? Well, before we get into that, let’s look at your exboyfriend, he wasn’t willing to marry you ok? He was willing to throw the relationship out over a fight. To me, I’m getting a sense that he may have been a commitment phobe.
Yes, he was willing to marry you and that is an action that he took that says yes, I’m willing to commit to you but you were engaged for a year. You’re probably close to your wedding date, as it gets closer he starts to realize, “Wow, this is for life. Can I be with this one person for life?” And it scares him and he looks for any reason he can to break up with you. Don’t rule it against him. It’s normal for a human being to be a little apprehensive especially they’re about to enter into a lifelong commitment. It’s really rare for a human being not to have some worries about that. Everyone has kind of a commitment phobia in them. I know my wife tells me a story about before she met me, she was such a commitment phobe that she coudln’t even commit to a cellphone plan which she told me this before we actually dated and it freaked me out so much I was kind of worried about dating her because I was thinking this could girl could break my heart.
Luckily, I’m Chris Seiter. I’m awesome haha and arrogant!
Anyways, so, let’s look at your situation. Here’s what I think is happening. He may have been a little commitment phobic and usually we can use the interdependence theory to determine that. So, what is the interdependence theory?Well, the interdependence theory really revolves around three factors,
So the interdependence theory as a whole basically states that human beings commit to another on a cost and benefit scenario or basis excuse me. In other words, what were trying to do when we commit to a person is maximize the benefits that we get out of the relationship and minimize the cons that we get out of the relationship. Imagine you had pro and con column. You know, how you put the pros are positives, cons are negatives. Imagine we did that. Imagine we created a pr and con for your relationship with your ex Anonymous. What your ex boyfriend is trying to do is he’s trying to maximize the benefits that he gets out of you.
She’s beautiful-benefit, I love her personality-benefit, maybe she’s a little annoying when these certain things happens-con. Essentially what he’s trying to do is minimize the cons, so there are no cons and maximize the benefits and you can use three factors to determine that. So, the first factor is satisfaction. So how satisfied is your ex boyfriend in the relationship? The second factor is–excuse me, alternatives. I almost said attraction. The second factor is alternatives. Is there anyone else out there that can meet my needs better than this person? And as I get to talking about the interdependence theory, I’m going to kind of group satisfaction and alternatives together because as, you’ll find out later when satisfaction goes up, alternatives go down. And then finally the third thing is investment. How much time, how much effort, how much money, how many resources have you invested into that sort of relationshp. Using this three things, we can really determine how likely a man is to commit to you or break up with you.
So, let’s look at your situation.
So, your ex boyfriend broke up with you after a fight. A fight where you compared him to your ex husband who he despises which again I think is kind of a petty reason for a break up. I mean don’t you? But the thing is that probably lowered his satisfaction with the relationship and as his satisfaction lowers with you Anonymous, his alternatives go up. He starts thinking, “You know what? I can find someone better than her. I really can. I could find someone better than her. ” And of course investment. We already know that investment was pretty high. He was willing to marry you. So, that’s a pretty bold action of putting his resources towards the relationship.
He was with you for over two years, which is a positive thing. Most of the break ups that we see here are below a year. So, you are definitely in that minority where you have gotten a long lasting commitment out of him.
So, here’s what I think happened. Satisfaction went down and as a result the alternatives went up. So, he was less satisfied with the relationship. After the fight, he began thinking I can find someone better than this. I can find someone who doesn’t treat me like this and even though his investment was high into the relationship, the fact that his satisfaction went down and the alternatives went up was enough to cause him to break up with you.
And the cool thing about the interdependence theory is you can reverse engineer it. So, you know why he broke up with you essentially. You know that three main factors that went into that. You can also use this three main factors to reverse engineer the situation to help you get him back. So, what does that mean? Well, we know that in order for him to have less alternatives to want to date, his satisfaction with you has to go up and his investment with you has to go up. So, that’s where I’d focus in most of my energy on. When it comes to getting your exboyfriend back Anonymous, getting this engagement back, getting married to him, you really need to focus on the satisfaction that he has with you and you need to focus on getting him to invest time. Now, like I said, the alternatives and satisfaction aspect of the interdependence theory are connected. So, when his satisfaction with you goes up, his alternatives will go down and as long as the investment is high, you’re going to get him back most likely. I can guarantee it.
Excuse me. Kind of got a cold. So, you are in a really difficult situation specifically because the no contact rule is going to lose a lot of it’s effectiveness, due to the fact that you’re living with your ex and you can’t exactly get rid of a lease especially if it’s a year long lease and you’re only two months into it and speaking from someone who had to break a lease early to move into a house, it can be expensive breaking a lease. So, if that’s financially not happening which I’m guessing it’s not because of your call, you’re going to find a way to do the no contact rule with him in the house and often times that’s impossible to do a full no contact rule.
You can just do minimal contact. So, essentially don’t speak to him unless spoken to. If you are spoken to by him directly in person, don’t text him, don’t call him, don’t do anything like that. If you are in person with him and he just says, “Hey, nice day outside.” Keep it short, brief, not kind of bitchy. Say, “Yeah, it is.” Statement, simple. Don’t do anything to engage him in a conversation because that’s just not going to benefit you in any way. Now, you’re situation with him also kind of mention our plan of the value chain. So, if you know exboyfriend recovery, if you read my book exboyfriend recovery pro. You know that I’m a big believer in taking things slow. Letting things unfold naturally. I think things always worked out better with an ex when they appear to be natural.
Even if you’re kind of manipulating them to where they’re not a little bit natural. As long as they appear to be natural, you’re in pretty good shape but that’s kind of difficult to do, especially if you live with this person. You can’t exactly text them you know or call them. What purpose would that serve if you’re living with the person? I mean you could text him when he’s at work and everything but not going to be the same if he’s coming to you every single day. So, obviously if it’s possible, get out of there, leave. I know it’s kind of difficult thing to see. If it’s possible. That’s the key thing I want to say here. If it’s possible and you can afford it and it’s not going to uproot your children’s lives to drastically, do it. Find another apartment, live there. If not, here’s the game plan I would follow.
So you’re going to do the minimal contact rule. 21-30 days, by ear, just play by ear. You’ll be the best judgment when it comes to this. Now, letting things unfold naturally is going to be difficult especially if you live with the person. You can’t essentially just text them and hope everything works out especially if the person is there.
So, what do you do?
Well, you want to take things slowly. That’s the key thing here. You can talk to him in person but keep it very slow. Almost like a text, almost like bringing up a conversation with him, interest him and then leave. Kind of do this slowly.
If I were to chart this on a graph, the graph would go up on how slowly you’re building attraction. Don’t just from 0 to 60 and this is the biggest problem that women have when they live with an ex and they’re trying to get them back. They do the no contact rule and they think ok, that’s it done. Alright, let’s go on a date. Mistake. Re-attraction needs to be built here, before you go on date. Going on a date is almost– I don’t want to say stupid but it’s almost pointless when no attraction has been built before hand. There’s nothing that you’re going to get positive out of t. he date. In short, most women think, “Ok, the date is the big thing where
I’ll build attraction.” But that’s not going to work. It’s too much too soon. It’s from 0-60. You’re going from 0-5, 5-10, 10-15, 15-20, so on and so forth. Slowly build the attraction ok? Start off small. Talk to him a few times a day, and then a few days later talk to him a little bit more and then a few days later, talk to him a little bit more and essentially eventually you’ll get to a point where you are texting him constantly.
Phone calls aren’t out of the question. You’re talking to him pretty normally. That’s when you want to strike. Have those kind of interesting conversations where he’s going to be fascinated with you ok? Satisfy him ok? Become the version of yourself that he fell in love with which if that sounds familiar, that is exactly what the person who got her ex fiance back did, R. She essentially became the version of herself that her ex boyfriend fell in love with and a lot of how she did that was doing things for herself ok? She entered a boxing club, she started working out, she changed her hair style, she did things that made her feel beautiful. I can’t stress this enough.
We have seen that people who use their time wisely, during the no contact rule have a much better chance of success than people who don’t.
And there’s that old phase, I’m going to kind of end the episode on this old phrase, quote as suppose.
Time heals all wounds.
Right? You’ve heard that right? Time heals all wounds. I don’t necessarily believe that. Time only heals all wounds if you use that time wisely. You can’t sit here and tell me that a woman who’s going through a break up and says some really nasty stuff to her exboyfriend or her exboyfriend says some really nasty stuff to her, that a woman is just going to sit there and get over it in a couple of weeks. It could happen. You know, she could come to her senses and realize, “You know, he really didn’t mean it.”
But something tells me that a woman who has an ex boyfriend who says some really nasty stuff to her and then she actively goes out trying to prove him wrong. She actively goes out improving herself, making herself feel good. That woman is probably going to get over it sooner than the woman who just sits on her hands and does nothing which I’m sorry to break it to you guys, that’s what a lot of you do. You expect that the no contact rule is going to do all of the work for you. Let me tell you a secret. It’s not. It is only half of the strategy that we teach and I need to brainwash you into believing that because it hurts me when women come to the website, they do the no contact rule and they come back and say it didn’t work. And then I probe into their situation a little bit and find out that that’s all they did. They didn’t follow the value chain. They didn’t try to rebuild attraction slowly before they got a date. They didn’t do any of that. That is the most important thing to do ok?
So, keep that in mind as you’re trying to get your ex boyfriends back.
I’ll see you next week. Bye.