It seems pretty simple doesn’t it?
Since the beginning of time there has been one thing that almost all relationship experts agree on,
Being clingy or needy is a complete turn off to men.
Before you entered into a relationship with your ex boyfriend you knew that deep down being clingy and needy was probably going to be a turn off to him but as you developed a deeper connection with him you couldn’t help yourself.
You just wanted to talk to him all day every day…
You wanted to hear his voice before you went to bed…
You wanted to know what he was up to throughout the day…
You didn’t really want him talking to any other girl that wasn’t you…
Essentially you wanted his entire life to revolve around you…
Now, I am not insinuating that you approached anything close to this when you broke up with your ex boyfriend I am just saying that I know what it’s like to be in love and I know that sometimes it can make you do some clingy or needy things.
In this guide I am going to be talking about how you can recover from these clingy or needy things that occurred in your relationship with your ex. Essentially, what I am shooting for here is a way to wipe your slate clean with your ex so that you can give yourself the best shot of getting him back.
The Positives & Negatives Of Being Clingy
I bet you weren’t expecting me to say that being clingy can have a positive aspect to it, huh?
As it turns out there is a way in which being clingy and needy can be an attractive thing to men. In this section I am going to talk a little about that but I will also be giving you the low down on all the negatives that go along with being clingy and needy.
So, if you have ever wondered what kinds of things a stage 5 clinger does to turn off a man then the section entitled, The Negatives Of Being Clingy, is going to be especially interesting to you.
First though, lets talk about the rarely talked about positive aspects of being needy.
The Positives Of Being Clingy
Whenever you do research on women who are clingy or overly needy you often hear experts scolding them for that type of behavior. You actually never hear about the positives that go along with being clingy or needy. You see, as a man I can tell you that, as weird as this is going to sound, I like a woman to be a little clingy or needy.
The keyword there is “a little.”
Hear me out for a second.
To me if a girl gets a little clingy it means she really has strong feelings for me and I like that. I want my woman to care about me on a level so deep that no one else can compare. I want her to want me to be the last person she talks to before she goes to bed. I want her to think about me constantly throughout the day.
Essentially, I want to be the most important person in her life.
Is that selfish of me?
Do I care?
Let me put it to you like this.
Whenever a girl exhibits clingy behavior like jealousy, constantly wanting to be around me and texting me a lot I kind of like it. To me it is these things that tell me she really cares about me.
I just gave you three little examples of clingy behavior that I said I liked, right?
What were they?
- A little jealousy.
- Wanting to be around me all the time.
- Texting me a lot.
Ok, now I want to make a little tweak regarding these three examples.
What is the tweak?
I want to tell you about what a girl can do to all of a sudden make those cute little clingy behaviors into overly clingy to the point where it becomes a turn off.
One thing we have already established about me and most other men is that we like needy behavior but only to a certain extent.
Lets pretend that you and I are dating and at the beginning of the relationship you would exhibit the three clingy behaviors I mentioned above. Well, at the beginning I found it kind of cute. I liked the fact that you got a little jealous because it meant you cared. I liked that you wanted to be around me all the time and I also liked that you texted me a lot.
Of course, as time went on I began to notice a gradual change in the intensity of these behaviors.
For example, any time you would get jealous you would get jealous to the point where you would start a huge argument and you wouldn’t trust me about anything. In fact, your jealousy got so bad that at one point you literally forbade me to talk to anyone of the opposite sex.
You also became so clingy to the point where any time I would go into a room you would have to follow me in there. You know how your shadow follows you around everywhere? Well, you essentially became my new shadow.
The reason = “I couldn’t bear to be away from you even in a different room.”
Ah, and now we get to the texting.
You see, at the beginning of our relationship we had a nice 1:1 text ratio going. This means that we were completely even when texting each other.
- You text
- I text
- You text
- I text
Of course, as our relationship grew deeper the texting ratio changed completely to a 3:1 ratio. This means that for every one text I would send you would send three in return. On top of that you would literally get angry if I wouldn’t respond immediately to your texts.
Do you see the difference between positive neediness as opposed to negative neediness?
Speaking of negative neediness lets talk a look at some of those qualities.
The Negatives Of Being Clingy
You have an incredible advantage over almost every other woman searching the internet.
You see, when most women search the internet for advice on clingy behavior most experts list out all the needy behaviors that you need to avoid but almost none of them do a good job of explaining WHY you need to avoid them. It is rare to find someone who will explain why men react badly to clingy behavior but I am going to because I am a man and I know how I would react if someone got overly needy.
I suppose we can start with a common clingy behavior, text gnatting.
Clingy Behavior 1- Text Gnat
A lot of you are already familiar with the term I coined called a “text gnat.”
If you aren’t familiar with it then allow me to take a moment to educate you on it.
Imagine for a moment that you are walking down the street and all of a sudden you hear this buzzing around your head. You look around and discover that a bunch of gnats are following you around. No matter how many times you swat at them they still stay put. No matter how fast you run they still seem to follow. It’s like no matter what you do you can’t seem to shake these annoying bugs.
It is entirely possible that this is how your ex boyfriend viewed you in your relationship if you were too overbearing with how you texted him.
Above I mentioned how an ideal texting ratio between a couple should be 1:1.
Meaning their text messages should look something like this,
Notice how this string of text messages follows the classic 1:1 text ratio meaning,
- One person texts
- The other person responds
- One person texts
- The other person responds
One of the best ways to determine if you were a text gnat or not is to look at your last 100 text messages between you and your ex.
If the ratio is close to 50:50 (it can be a little off here or there but has to be close) then that means that you are doing well to stand by that 1:1 ratio.
If for example, the texting ratio ends up being something like 70:30 where you have sent him 70 text messages and he has only responded to 30 of those text messages then that probably means you are venturing into text gnat territory where you are becoming kind of overbearing.
Why Being A Text Gnat Annoys Men
Someone who is a text gnat screams desperation and no guy wants a serious relationship with a woman who is desperate. They want a serious relationship with a woman who is confident enough to know that she actively chose to be with a guy.
Have I ever been text gnatted before?
In fact, I remember a long time ago there was one girl who had such a crush on me that she would text gnat the heck out of me. Now, I don’t really like hurting anyone’s feelings so I didn’t have the guts to tell her that I didn’t like her “in that way.” So, when she would text me I simply wouldn’t respond hoping she would get the hint.
She kept texting me to the point where it really started annoying me and I eventually had to say something to her.
Why was her gnatting such a turn off to me?
Because she seemed totally desperate and if I am going to be attracted to anyone it was going to be a woman who is smart, independent and NOT desperate.
Clingy Behavior 2- Extreme Jealousy
I personally believe that a little jealousy is good in every relationship.
Because it shows how much you care about each other. Of course, jealousy can become very dangerous if it starts to develop on an extreme level.
What do I mean by “extreme level?”
I suppose a role playing example would be best to illustrate this.
Lets say that you and I are currently in the middle of a relationship. As our relationship wears on I begin to notice that you get jealous any time I mention another girl.
“Hey, my friend Tina texted me today and told me that she is hosting a party and she wanted us to come.”
Now, a normal girlfriend should be excited about the prospect of going to a party with her boyfriend.
You, however, aren’t a normal girlfriend. No, you are the insecure controlling type (not really hopefully.)
Instead of being excited about the party you get angry at me for texting another girl and accuse me of cheating.
“Who is this Tina? How did you meet her? When was the last time you saw her? Are you cheating on me?”
“Tina is an old friend (a married mother of two.) I met her through work. I haven’t seen her in years and no, I am not cheating on you.”
My answers aren’t good enough for you though.
You become so threatened by Tina that you forbid me to ever text another girl for the rest of my life. In fact, if you ever catch me texting another girl throughout our relationship you threaten to break up with me.
You are psycho.
Why Extreme Jealousy Annoys Men
In my opinion, extreme jealousy has a direct correlation to a woman trying to control a man and nothing annoys a man more than a woman who tries to control him.
Look, we chose to be in a relationship with you. We chose to become exclusive with you. However, that doesn’t give you the right to try to control us. If you show us a little trust it can go a long way.
“I don’t trust you”
like extreme jealousy/controlling does.
Clingy Behavior 3- Shadowing
I have only heard of one example of shadowing in my personal life but I have heard of multiple examples through this site which is why I know it exists.
So, what is shadowing?
Shadowing- Becoming so dependent on another human being that you have to be around them all the time. In some cases it is so extreme that you can’t even let them leave a room without you going by their side. It is an extreme form of being controlling.
If you are still a little confused when it comes to this concept don’t feel bad, it is a little complicated to grasp.
Perhaps it would be best if I used the example from my personal life to illustrate.
When I was in high school a very long time ago I knew a guy that would get angry at his girlfriend for the dumbest things. I remember he once told me that when he was over at her house she left the room without him.
When I heard this I was baffled at why he would have to accompany her if she simply wanted to leave the room.
Me: “Was she leaving you alone in her house permanently or something?”
Him: “No, she just wanted to get a drink in the other room.”
Me: “Are you kidding me?”
Him: “She should have asked my permission to leave the room.”
Me: “Why? It’s her house not yours?”
Him: “She is my girlfriend. It’s disrespectful.”
What we have here is a case of someone who is so insecure that he wouldn’t even let his girlfriend leave the room without him. Look, I get being so in love with someone that you hate it when you are apart. However, if you have become so clingy or controlling that you literally have to go with them from room to room then that is a big issue.
Of course, that example was an extreme form of shadowing.
Some of the more common forms of shadowing I have seen is the classic invasion of alone time.
Look, sometimes men need their alone time where you aren’t constantly badgering them with questions or the latest drama that went on at work. We need time to recharge sometimes before we can consume everything you want us to consume.
Oh, and when a guy tells you that he wants to hang out with his friends don’t get angry if he doesn’t invite you. If you feel the need to accompany him everywhere he goes then that is a form of shadowing and he isn’t going to appreciate it.
Why Shadowing Annoys Men
Do you know what the definition of a stalker is?
Stalker- a person who harasses someone with unwanted and obsessive attention
Every time you “shadowed” your boyfriend in your relationship you were technically a stalker.
Think about it, if your ex wanted to have a guys night out with his friends but you insisted on tagging along you were harassing him with unwanted attention which is technically the same behavior a stalker engages in.
If you were so insecure that you couldn’t even let him have an hour on his own to recharge his batteries then you are technically defined as a talker.
In other words,
Shadowing = Stalking
Oh, and the last time I checked no one likes stalkers.
Clingy Behavior 4- Controlling
I deal with a lot of failed relationships every day.
That means that every day whenever I read your comments on this site I can kind of get bummed out because, to me, it sometimes feels as if all I see are failed relationships. Lately, in an effort to change this I have been reading up a lot about the most successful relationships so I can get some positivity back in my life which in turn will help me give out better advice.
You want to know what I am learning about successful relationships?
Neither person involved in the relationship tries to control the other person. Rather they work together as a team to discuss their issues.
It baffles me to this day why some women feel the need to control their boyfriends.
Look, I want you to get something through your head.
You cannot control another human being. It is impossible.
The only way that you could ever try to control another human being is if you had developed some type of superpower like “mind control” but since no one in the history of the world has ever developed a power like that I am afraid you are out of luck.
Why Controlling Behavior Annoys Men
I think it’s best if I use myself as an example here.
The thing about me is that I am the most loyal man you will ever meet. Whenever I am in a relationship with someone I don’t let anyone threaten that relationship.
For example, if you and I were dating and one of your friends texted that she wanted to hang out with me (when you weren’t around) I would respond like this,
In other words, I am basically saying that the only time I would hang around other girls is if my girlfriend (you in this imaginary case) was there. I feel this is an extremely rare quality in men now-a-days and it also says a lot about my character.
So, lets pretend that you are really insecure about other girls around me, even though I have proven to you multiple times that I am the most trustworthy man on the planet.
In fact, you have become so insecure about other women that you constantly try to control me and basically order me to never talk to any of them ever again.
This is going to annoy me on a lot of different levels because not only are you essentially saying that you don’t trust me but I also feel I have been completely loyal to you and you don’t appreciate that at all. Not to mention you are trying to control me and no man likes being controlled.
In fact, most of the time by you controlling a man you push him to do the behavior you don’t want him to in the first place.
How Do You Save Face With Your Ex If You Were Clingy?
Now that you have a pretty good idea of what clingy behavior is and why it annoys men lets take a look at what you are going to have to do in order to overcome that clingy behavior to have a chance at getting your ex boyfriend back.
Many of you are aware that I am a fan of putting graphics together for this site. Well, below you will find a graphic that i put together that will teach you how to overcome his reservations about taking you back because of your clingy nature.
As you can see I have divided the process up into four separate parts,
- Understanding how you are perceived.
- Giving him time.
- Reclaiming your identity.
- The new you.
Now, before I get started on explaining what I mean by these four pillars I feel it is very important to discuss the point of what we are trying to accomplish here.
One thing we already know is that you want your ex boyfriend back. However, it doesn’t look like that is going to happen since you were way too clingy. Well, in order to have a chance at winning him back you are first going to have to overcome his impression of you (he thinks you are clingy.)
The point of this section is to show you what you have to do in order to achieve that goal.
Oh, and don’t worry, once I show you how you can do that I will guide through every step of the actual “getting him back” process.
For now, lets get cracking on these four pillars.
Pillar 1- Understanding How You Are Perceived
If the main goal that we are trying to accomplish here is overcoming your exes impression of you then it is probably a really good idea to figure out what that impression is.
For example, if you and I dated each other and I was constantly telling you how I hated the fact that you were always trying to control me then you would know that the clingy behavior that you would really have to work on is to NOT be controlling.
In other words, what we are trying to do here is to figure out what behaviors you exhibited that needs to change for you to even have a shot of getting him back.
How are you supposed to figure this out?
Well, a little empathy can certainly help but there is actually a better way.
I want you to think back to your fights and arguments with your ex. You see, if there is one thing I have learned over the years it’s that anger has a way of extracting the thoughts you have that you know you shouldn’t really say. So, when you think back to you and your exes fights what was it about you that he was complaining about that could be classified as clingy.
(Disclaimer- We are only looking for clingy behavior here. Anything ridiculous that he complained about that isn’t clingy you shouldn’t change.)
Using a personal example from my own life I can think of one off the top of my head.
While I never actually was in a relationship with this person (I never even went a date with her actually) she exhibited some super clingy behavior from the get go that made me immediately want to not talk to her.
What was her clingy behavior?
Any time I wouldn’t respond to a text message she would send she would grow frustrated and berate me with insults. Look, sometimes I don’t respond to my text messages right away (sometimes I don’t at all if I don’t like the person.) However, usually I always get around to it. If this girl was more patient we probably wouldn’t have had a problem. But she wasn’t…
I immediately classified her behavior as clingy and controlling and I did not want a presence like that in my life.
Do you have an idea of what clingy behaviors you have exhibited in the past with your ex?
If you don’t then you need to find out immediately.
Pillar 2- Giving Him Time
Most women fall into the clingy trap after a breakup occurs with their boyfriend.
What is this trap?
They call, text or skype their ex so much that it can sometimes go beyond regular clingyness.
If you need a refresher on how creepy this can be take a look at the very first picture I posted on this page of the woman who called her ex 77,000 times after her breakup with him.
A year or two ago one of my friends told me something really interesting about relationships.
In most relationships men put the most effort into making the relationship happen. However, once the relationship has already commenced then the women take over from there and do everything in their power to keep the relationship going.
While I am sure there are exceptions to this rule I have found it oddly accurate.
You see, men can sometimes have this nasty habit of getting comfortable in a relationship. In other words, they grow lazy and spoiled and get used to women doing everything for them. As a result, when a breakup occurs they almost expect that YOU are going to be the one that contacts them first begging for a second chance.
By being clingy and needy with phone calls or texts you are playing right into what they already believe is going to happen.
If I am being completely honest with you it annoys me when I see women begging for their exes back because to me that means they don’t know their own value.
Men aren’t attracted to neediness, they are attracted to women who know their value, women who know they can replace him in a heartbeat (kind of like that Beyonce song irreplaceable.)
So, rather than playing right into what he already believes is going to happen after a breakup (you getting all clingy with phone calls) I would recommend that you do the exact opposite of that. You should do what a strong woman would do, not contact him at all.
Many of you are aware of my thoughts on the no contact rule. Well, I am of the mind that giving your ex space (after you have been clingy) is the smartest thing you can do.
Men have this constant need to feel admired by women. Of course, when you shower a man with constant attention that attention is going to lose some of its value over time because he is going to get used to it.
By doing a no contact rule for either 21 or 30 days (depending on the situation) you are going to accomplish two things.
Thing 1- Giving Him Time To Cool Down
Here’s a fun question.
Who do you think has a better chance at getting her ex back,
A girl who tries to get her ex boyfriend back when he is extremely upset with her?
A girl who tries to get her ex boyfriend back when he is not that angry at her?
If you guessed the girl who tries to get her boyfriend back when he is not that angry then you guessed right. The no contact rule is perfect for giving your ex boyfriend time to cool down which in turn is going to increase your chances to seem less clingy and also get him back.
Thing 2- Gives YOU Time To Reshape Your Image
I am going to be talking about this a lot more in-depth in the next section but for now I can give you a little teaser of whats to come.
While you are using the no contact rule to give your ex time to cool down you can also be using it as a way to get rid of your clingy habits and reshape your image so that your ex no longer views you as clingy.
In other words, you can use it for self improvement.
Pillar 3- The New You
Self improvement is key if you don’t want to be looked at as clingy or needy anymore.
It’s funny, I was scrolling through Facebook the other day and noticed one of those overused motivational quotes that always seem to get shared.
It said something like,
Your amazing just the way you are…
On the surface it’s a really nice sentiment isn’t it?
However, when you sit down and really peel back the layers you will find that, that quote has a flaw.
It is essentially saying that it’s ok to be the way you are and you don’t have to change or improve for anyone.
Well, I take offense to that because I personally believe that self improvement should be something every human being should strive for. I mean, what is wrong with wanting to become a better version of yourself?
Now, I am not saying you should compromise your morals or do something your not comfortable with but I think it is completely ok to want to be a better version of yourself.
Since this is a page dedicated to eliminating neediness lets focus on how you can improve yourself if your neediness is tied directly to your own insecurities.
Dealing With Your Insecurities
A lot of clingy behaviors can be traced directly back to our own insecurities.
For example, we often get overly jealous because we are afraid our significant other might cheat on us. How about the fact that a lot of women don’t believe they are good enough for their boyfriends so they shower them with too much attention which can be viewed as clingy.
Getting rid of these types of insecurities can be quite tricky.
I mean, you can try to turn your feelings off as much as possible but in the end we are all human beings and not robots. We can’t help but feel jealousy and insignificance from time to time.
So, what I would like to teach you is the method I try to employ when dealing with my own personal insecurities.
(Yes, you will get to hear my own insecurities about relationships right here, right now.)
I would have to say that without a doubt the biggest insecurity I have when it comes to relationships would be the fear of being cheated on.
How did this insecurity develop?
When I was in High School I remember the first girl I asked out very clearly. You see, I liked her and she liked me, or so I thought.
Turns out she liked someone else and was just using me for fun. So, the day I asked her out she explained to me that she didn’t like me in “that way.” I’ll admit I was a little bummed out but I took it in stride and didn’t cause any unnecessary drama.
The very next day I found out that she started dating another guy, someone who she had been pursuing since I started pursuing her.
While she didn’t cheat on me it was my first experience with deception and I did not like how it felt.
As I gained more experience in dealing with the opposite sex I learned more and more about how women could sometimes use deception to get away with things. In fact, I became so frightened of being deceived that I started plotting out worse case scenarios in my head and trying to figure out if I would be able to survive if it ever occurred to me.
By far the worst deception I could think of was infidelity and it scared me.
Unfortunately, this site doesn’t help that insecurity at all when I come face to face with infidelity on a daily basis. You see, it has the ability to make you a little paranoid and that can be extremely unhealthy.
However, I figured out an excellent way to deal with this insecurity so it doesn’t make me exhibit clingy behavior.
You see, the fear of infidelity can sometimes cause you to get jealous over unnecessary things. This means that for me I can sometimes get touchy when other men are introduced into the equation around my relationship. So, rather than getting overly jealous I am always telling myself that I am setting such a high standard that no other man can compare.
Whats even better is that I am using my insecurity to force me to set that type of high standard.
You see, as long as I keep that standard so far out of reach for other men I have nothing to worry about because my significant other would literally have to be an idiot to stray.
In other words, I find a way to use my insecurities as a strength.
Pillar 4- Reclaiming Your Identity
I am about to make you aware of the ultimate form of neediness.
Some women become so enthralled with their relationship that they lose themselves in it.
For example, lets say that before you met your ex boyfriend you had a long list of hobbies,
- Watching movies
However, as you fell deeper into the relationship you slowly but surely started losing your hobbies. Whats worse is you adopted all of your exes hobbies.
Now, there are two trains of thoughts when it comes to stuff like this.
Thought 1- It’s sweet that you can fall so deeply in love with someone that their passions become yours.
Thought 2- It’s dangerous to fall so deeply in love that you lose yourself in that person.
I personally believe that it’s ok to adopt your significant others hobbies as long as you don’t lose yourself in the process. It’s not ok to just stop something that you love (your hobbies) to make room for all of your boyfriends or husbands hobbies.
Remember, your ex boyfriend fell in love with you, the girl with her own hobbies.
He didn’t fall for the girl that stole his…