I remember not being able to fall asleep for about a month after my ex boyfriend broke up with me. This didn’t sit well with me because as a fitness enthusiast, I needed at least seven hours of sleep.
Instead of my required amount, I only got about three to four hours each night.
I would have these imaginary conversations in my mind telling him outright that I can’t sleep because I miss you. Of course he didn’t answer back, unless I answered for him.
So thinking about my ex at night just as soon as my head hit the pillow was becoming a favorite pastime.
Because I was having such a hard time sleeping, I tried different techniques to help me with my ex boyfriend breakup insomnia. I tried some Sleepy time tea, which only worked if I drank it hours before I intended to sleep.
I ate Melatonin gummies before bed that worked for a while…until I ran out and didn’t bother to buy more. I even did meditation. It was helpful in the first few minutes of the practice…until the meditation video said to “release any thought and stress of the day and clear your mind.”
I couldn’t do it. My mind was too crowded with thoughts and memories of my recent breakup. I couldn’t even meditate to help me fall asleep!
I would get these weird breakup thoughts and wonder if its true that when you can’t sleep, someone like your boyfriend, is thinking of you. He must be I would tell myself. Of course I knew I was not thinking rationally.
All I knew was I missed my ex at night and it was taking its toll.
Hi! My name is Ashley and Chris has asked me to share my thoughts about this whole topic of sleepless nights and ex boyfriends!
What Does It Mean To Wake Up Thinking About Him?
I’m sure you’ve been there before or going through something like this now. You’re wondering to yourself why you can’t fall asleep after a breakup. You could be thinking about why you can’t stop thinking about your ex even after all this time.
When you are constantly waking up with someone (like your ex boyfriend) on your mind, things are clearly getting out of control and you need to take it back. I talk about the importance of this in my ebook, “The No Contact Rule Book”, which you can learn about more here. Trust me, if you haven’t dug into that resource yet, you will want to because it will help you immensely if you have been tossing and turning.
So what does it mean when you wake up thinking about your ex in the mornings? Because if your ex boyfriend is plaguing your thoughts at night and he is the first person you think of when you wake up, this must mean something right?
It could mean….
- Absolutely nothing. Your thoughts of him just popped in your head for no good reason at all and has no meaningful impact on what you should or shouldn’t do.
- It’s possible that you have some unresolved feelings about how the breakup went down and you are searching for closure.
- You may still be in love with your ex and after another rough night you awaken with a deep need to be with him.
- You could have had a disturbing dream about your ex boyfriend and wake up trying to reconcile what to do about it.
- It probably means your ex boyfriend was a big part of your life and your night time mind knows it.
- It probably means these thoughts of him you can’t shake are in part triggered by a fixation to return to the habits and routines that filled your life prior to the breakup.
- You may be suffering from what you perceive as a withdrawal of his love and like an addict cannot stop yourself from needing his presence. It is as if your ex boyfriend is your drug and you hunger for him more than ever.
Are You Suffering From Sleepless Nights After Your Breakup?
It’s bad enough when you can’t eat or think straight after a breakup. But when you are suffering one sleepless night after the next since the two of you called it quits, well, there has to be some answers and tips that can help you.
I’m here to help answer these questions for you! I’ll also fill you in on what you can do to make your ex miss you if that is what you are looking to happen!
“How can I help you do that?”
Well, let break it down for you in three simple sections:
- Why you can’t stop thinking about your ex boyfriend and cant even sleep because you miss him so much.
- How do you go about sleeping at night after the heartbreaking split up
- Could your boyfriend also be struggling with his sleeping habits after the breakup and what should you do about that.
So, are you ready to reclaim your beauty sleep? Are you ready to make that ex of yours lose his sleep while you rest pretty?
Okay, here we go…
Why Can’t I Sleep At Night And Always Wake Up Thinking About Him?
It really sucks when you are waking up in the middle of the night after breaking up thinking of your ex. Maybe the breakup was soul crushing and you are still searching for answers .
Not sleeping well after a breakup is not unusual. The mind has a way of racing off into it’s little corners of worry and reflection.
It is no fun when you suffer from post breakup insomnia. It can become a real problem to your emotional, even your physical health. So how do you find a way to overcome this problem of over thinking everything about what went down between you and your ex?
And why is so hard to get a good night’s rest? Why does all this relationship stuff tug at your mind so much?
7 Reasons Why Sleeping Is So Hard After a Breakup
- Let’s not forget you were probably in love with this man you thought would take you to the altar. So with the two of you breaking up, the love connection is broken and most likely, so is your heart.
- The breakup represents a symbolic period in your life where things in a very important area of our life didn’t work out so there will be disappointment that you may have to start over to find the “right one”. Disappointment can weigh on you at night as your night time mind seeks to sort things out.
- Relationships that end badly always result in the build up of a lot of stress hormones and with the increase in stress comes a decrease in sleep.
- You may still be in love and are struggling to let go of guy who you once thought the world of. So you end up rolling over the possibilities over and over again.
- You might not know whether you love him or if he loves you and this uncertainty can cause you to have disturbing night time thoughts around one of the most important topics in your life. Often when we lie down in bed, our worst insecurities can come rushing at us.
- You may question your worthiness or if you did something that caused this falling out to happen. This kind of second guessing can weigh on you throughout the day and night as the subconscious is working overtime to reconcile what happened.
- Dealing with all the emotional hardships can cause you to become exhausted to a point that even sleep escapes you as your mind races for answers for what happened and solutions on how to fix it.
How Do You Get Some Sleep After An Ex Breaks Your Heart
Allow me for a second to revisit my story in the beginning of this article.
When I couldn’t sleep because I missed my ex, meditation was one of the first things I tried. I figured I’d give it a try because not only was I aiming to get some shut eye, I wanted some peace of mind. My brain would not shut up about a lot of things. Among them were these thoughts:
Why did he break up with me? Where was he right now? Was he with another girl? Was there another girl? Did he cheat on me? Did he think I cheated on him because I always posted Snapchat stories of me at the gym with my gay best friend? Did he think my GBF was a threat? That was impossible because my GBF has a boyfriend…Why am I thinking about all this stuff anyway? I need to sleep!
I couldn’t get my ex out of my mind no matter how hard I tried to clear my mind. I neglected every other aspect of my life because I was too preoccupied thinking about my ex and too tired from lack of sleep to think straight.
A big part of the problem is I couldn’t stop thinking about my ex because my focus was only on him. This is probably what is happening to you.
So you need to change some things up. Here are 5 ideas!
1. Your Focus Isn’t Where It Should Be. So Change That!
One of the reasons you’re still thinking about your ex is because you’re not focusing on the right person. It’s natural for your thoughts to circle back to your ex post-breakup. The problem with that, though, is that you start only thinking about your ex and nothing else.
The real focus after a breakup shouldn’t be on your ex or the reasons why he broke up with you.
The real focus needs to be on you and your recovery. I get into all kinds of self recovery tactics in my epic book, “The No Contact Rule Book”.
The time after a breakup is a great time to do some self-reflection. I’m not saying that there is a problem with you…not at all! I’m saying that we tend to lose ourselves and our priorities get readjusted when we are in relationships.
This is a good time recenter the focus on you. This is when you re-prioritize what you might’ve neglected. So get a pen and paper and make a list of all those things you would love to do, but that you haven’t because you didn’t have time for it or he was holding you back. Then do it.
2. Embrace the Holy Trinity of Ex Recovery
It’s time for you to broaden your horizons in three important areas. You can do this by focusing on your Holy Trinity – your wealth, health, and relationships. Take a look at which part of the Trinity you sacrificed the most since the start of your relationship. Which part did you sacrifice so that you could spend more time with your now ex boyfriend?
Once you’ve identified what areas in your Holy Trinity took a hit, start to rebuild them. Re-establishing these pillars in your Holy Trinity will give you confidence to become an Ungettable Girl, a concept I’ll touch on more in the next section.
So next time your mind wanders over to your ex boyfriend, stop yourself from thinking about him and think about what you can do for you instead. Remember to recenter the focus on the person who needs your attention the most now: yourself.
3. Bring An End To Shared Responsibilities With Your Ex
Having shared responsibilities with your ex is another reason you’re still thinking of him.
Did you both used to live (or currently still do) and are trying to figure out the rent and bill situation? Is one of you responsible for any other payments? Are you both parents and are figuring out a co-parenting structure that works well for both of you? Do you guys still have a shared bank account? Are you still using each other’s Netflix accounts?
These situations can be the cause of why you’re still thinking about your ex. It can be difficult to end things with your ex if your are still caught up in a bunch of upsetting moments.
So you may still be thinking about him because you still have business with him. So when the monthly bill payment comes up for a loan you both decided to continue to pay for, your thoughts go back to him.
One solution is to do something symbolic to not wear your personal hat when dealing with these commitments you may still have with him. You need to put on your business hat. I know it may sound a bit weird, but consider actually wearing something different when you have to complete these tasks. Then when its over, shed those clothes and along with them any leftover negativity.
So in this scenario you would need to separate your ex’s roles to stop thinking about him.
What I mean by that is, you need to think stop thinking about your ex as your boyfriend. You need to see him without any romantic attachment involved. No, you don’t have to be ice cold or keep things short and snippy with him. But you have to establish boundaries for yourself and remember to only take care of business when its business.
4. Unfinished Business
So you might not have shared responsibilities with your ex, but you might have some unfinished business with him. That’s why you’re still thinking about him far too much and having trouble with your sleep.
What do I mean by that?
Well, if your situation is anything like mine was, you want closure. You might even have some unanswered questions about the breakup. You’re tossing and turning in your bed because you haven’t had the confrontation you need to put your mind at ease.
This can be especially hard if you’re in your No Contact period. Not being able to talk to your ex right away can be hard, but I’ve got a quick solution for that.
What I did when these thoughts kept haunting me at night was write them down in a journal. I decided to do this so that I could get these thoughts out of my head instead of letting them sit in my head. I thought it was also smart to refer to these questions when I decided to talk to my ex about getting closure.
When I did speak to him, I was able to ask all the questions that were bothering me. And even though it took a while after that conversation to get back to a regular sleep schedule, I was able to finally get some rest.
5. Strip Yourself of Unresolved Thoughts On How It Ended
If you’re not looking for closure at all, you could be processing the end of the relationship and how it ended. You could be dissecting every bit of the breakup with yourself or with your friend.
That is a normal part of the breakup process. Remember to not let this whole breakup consume you so much that you begin to obsess over it.
I know, I know…It’s easier said than done. I get it.
But there is a way for you talk about the breakup and then not let it consume you.
Get it all out of your system – talk about the whole situation with one person or a group of people you trust. Be honest with them and tell them how you feel now, your feelings about your ex, and your relationship. I call it the purging. Get it out.
When all is said and done, you will be able to feel a lot better.
Don’t bottle all the feelings in with your pride because most of the time, we need to talk it out to move on.
Is It Possible Your Ex Boyfriend Is Having Trouble Sleeping Too?
Now that you have figured out why you’re losing sleep, it’s time now to figure out how to make him miss you. Chances are he too is having trouble with his sleep and he should, right, because he let you go.
What kind of sane guy would be so stupid to break up with the likes of you right!
Despite whatever bravado he may be displaying, you can bet you ex boyfriend is struggling with his sleeping habits as well. It is entirely likely you and your ex boyfriend are mirroring each other in the sense that what you are feeling and thinking, so to is he.
But at some stage your thoughts should turn to what is the end game after the breakup. What do you want from him? Is it making him miss you and regret he ever let you go? Do you want him dreaming of getting you back, being with you romantically?
If so, you will want a plan.
Taking Advantage of Your Ex Boyfriend’s Struggles With Sleep
One of the best ways to do this is by instituting No Contact and becoming what we in the EBR universe refer to as the “Ungettable Girl”, or UG for short.
An Ungettable Girl is “the highest quality girl” there is.
Imagine your favorite female celebrity that fits your notions of inspiration, your bad ass female role model. Whatever you call her, she is the girl you aspire to be, the woman you wish you were.
She is an Ungettable Girl.
Being Ungettable can be hard if not downright impossible, which is why not a lot of women are UG, even though we all strive to be. Hell, I’m still trying to tap into my inner UG goddess!
This is one of the best ways to get your ex to miss you. You know why? You’re not doing a lot of hard work. You don’t have to beg for him. You don’t have to send him text after text. You don’t have to wait by the phone, hoping he will call you.
No, you don’t have to do much at all except be wonderful to yourself.
Because as a Ungettable Girl, you’re going to be living your life to the fullest.
You’re going to take that weekend trip to the city you’ve been wanting to visit. You will try that kickboxing class you keep telling yourself you’ll do later. You’re going to redecorate your bedroom and paint your own damn walls.
See, being a UG is more than having the perfect looks, style, and accessories. Being UG is regaining confidence in yourself that you might’ve lost in your relationship. As I mentioned earlier, it’s not easy being UG. With that said, here is a guide on how to become an Ungettable Girl.
There is a good chance when you embrace your UG and let her come out to play, everyone will pick up on that aura. And I mean everyone.
Many women I’ve talked to in the EBR Private Facebook Group have mentioned that not only have their recent ex’s been reaching out to them…exes from years past have been reaching out to them too!
See, when you start to live your life as the ultimate UG, it’s like you’re turning on the Bat-Signal to everyone keeping an eye on you.
And once your become a UG, you’ll be turning the tables on your ex.
Implementing A Fully Faceted Ex Recovery Program To Awaken Your Ex Boyfriend To Thoughts of You
All right, let’s review what you’ve learned so far. First, you’ve considered why you’re missing your ex and are losing sleep because of it. Then, you learned how being an Ungettable Girl is an easy way to make your ex miss you.
What’s next is implementing strategies from Ex Boyfriend Recovery’s program to get your ex back.
I’ll give you a few strategies that have worked:
- No Contact Rule Book
- Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro
- Strategic Texting – The Texting Bible
- Private Facebook Support Group
- 1-1 Ex Recovery Coaching
It turns out you can get started with implementing any of these solutions today. Just go visit here to learn a lot more about how you can turn things around. You need not suffer sleepless nights unsure what to do about your breakup.
One Sleep Aid Is To Implement No Contact
I’ve alluded to The No Contact Rule (or NC) in the first section, but I’ll go over it in more detail here.
Essentially, NC is exactly what it sounds like – NO CONTACT between you and your ex.
That means no texting, calling, cyber-stalking, or meeting up with your ex. This is so that you can give your ex the time and space to heal and miss you while you’re making strides to recover and heal yourself.
The length of NC can go as short as 21 days to as long as 45 days. I even know of cases where NC was indefinite. The length can vary depending on the kind of situation you were in. For example, if the breakup was messy and you and your ex still have some bad blood, your NC period may be as long as 45 days. This will give you both more time to put those feelings aside.
For me, I originally intended to do 21 days. But I knew that I still had some feelings to sort out within myself before I could end NC and reach out to my ex. So, I ultimately extended it to 30 days.
Limited No Contact Can Work Too
For those of you who have shared responsibilities with your ex, you would have to enter LNC, or Limited No Contact.
LNC allows you to contact your ex, but only for issues and situations you cannot avoid. That is why it’s called “limited” No Contact. You are putting boundaries on your contact with him. Like I mentioned before, you need to separate your romantic feelings for your ex.
Remember that NC is for you to give him time to miss you. You can’t do that if you’re all over him. So, let keep your contact with him to what needs to be done, then close contact with him until the next time you need to.
Don’t Forget to Haunt Your Ex Boyfriend With The Being There Method
Another way to get your ex back is to put in place the “Being There” Method on him.
Being There is a method usually used when your ex is already in another relationship, but you can still use it to your advantage. “Being There” is as it sounds. You’re establishing your presence on your ex’s radar, but you’re doing it subtly.
Being There is just remaining present in your ex’s life. It’s a good way to let your UG charm shine. Remember what I said about how UG’s live their lives to the fullest?
So while you’re being the Ungettable Girl – learning how to dance salsa, going to a Kendrick Lamar concert, etc. – you can use “Being There” to make sure your ex knows what he’s missing out on.
Use Social Media To Stay Present in His Mind
One of the best ways to stay present in his mind is to utilize social media to your advantage.
Why? Because there’s a good chance that your ex is watching your every move. And if he is watching your every move, it means he’s keeping tabs on you. And if he’s keeping tabs on you, that means he’s going to start missing you very soon…that is, if he isn’t already missing you now.
A personal example of this is when when I posted an outing I had with a friend on my Instagram Story. My friend and I decided to bike around Waikiki after Sunday brunch, and I documented the entire thing on Instagram Story because my friend and I had some hilarious encounters trying to bike our way uphill at the base of Diamond Head. When I got home from our Sunday morning adventure, I decided to check my IG stories and who’d been watching them.
Can you guess who’d been watching my entire story that day? That’s right: My ex – right on the top of the list! (It’s been said that who ever is on the top of your IG Story watchlist is the person who’s been on your IG profile the most.)
If you don’t have social media or hardly use it, I would suggest to start using it. If your accounts are on private, I’d say to start sharing what you’re comfortable sharing with the world. Facebook actually allows you to change the privacy settings of your posts if you prefer to keep most of your posts private.
If you’re still new to using social media, ease your way into it, but try to embrace it as much as possible. It is a good way for you to be present in your ex’s life without being obvious about it.
The good thing about Being There is that you can implement this strategy while you’re still in your NC phase.
Because you’re not in direct contact with your ex, you’re not breaking NC at all. You’re letting him know, “Hey, even though I’m not speaking to you, I’m still alive, doing well, and looking good while I’m at it.”
Using NC and Being There simultaneously can go hand-in-hand. First, you’re working on yourself and becoming UG, and using NC to give your ex the time to miss you. But you’re still going to be present in his life using the Being There method. That way, he sees how you’re living and will start to miss you.
When It Comes To Breakups – Don’t Pull The Covers Over Your Eyes
Accept that you will have some emotional fallout after a split up with your ex boyfriend. The fastest ways to get past it is to embrace it and understand it. Don’t pretend it’s not happening or is not bothering you.
Deluding yourself about the sheer magnitude of what you are going through is not healthy. But know you will get past all of this and if you have a self recovery plan and an ex recovery plan, you will not only survive those sleepless nights, but you can thrive.
Missing your ex and struggling late into the night is a natural outcome of a breakup. Losing sleep over missing him, shouldn’t be one that continues to plague you.
To stop losing sleep over him, first consider why you miss him or can’t stop thinking about him so much. Often it is because you’re not focusing on you and your own healing process, which you need to recenter so you can help yourself heal and regrow.
It could be because you still have shared responsibilities divided between the two of you that still need to be taken care of. Remember to keep contact limited to your responsibilities and to not confuse romance and duty.
If you still need to process the breakup or you need closure, continue with your NC period. If you need to talk these feelings out, discuss your feelings with a friend or someone you trust. Do not reach out to your ex. If you’d rather journal it out instead of talking it out, do so. Remember to stay in No Contact until the very end.
Becoming an Ungettable Girl will help you to turn the tables so that your ex starts to miss you instead of the other way around. Become the best version of yourself to reach your UG status. And don’t forget to implement the Being There method while you’re becoming UG. You never know who’s watching.
Above all, though, remember to stick to your NC. No matter how long it may be (21, 30, or 45 days), do not find excuses to break this much needed time after your break up. Remember that it’s not only a chance for both you and your ex to heal from the breakup, but a chance for your ex to miss you.
Because you’re tired of losing sleep over him, right?
Well, now you have the tools in your hand to flip the script and make him miss you now.
So go ahead and try these strategies.
But catch up on your beauty sleep first.
(Update: This post was re-written by the website owner and expert, Chris Seiter, on July 4, 2018)