What It Takes To Make A Long Distance Relationship Work

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

This site is mostly focused on helping women get their ex boyfriends back. Thus, it makes sense that most of the things I write for it are geared towards an audience of women who are desperate to win back their man. Of course, every once in a while I get bold and decide to go the opposite route and talk to the general population about general relationship topics.

This is one of those times.

One of the most popular “guides” on my website has to do with long distance and how to win back a boyfriend if the two of you broke up. Well, lets imagine for a moment that you were in a long distance relationship with an ex boyfriend and you just happened to get him back.

What are you supposed to do after you get him back?

You are both still long distance and will likely have many of the same problems that caused you to break up in the first place.

What is it that you can do differently the second time around to make this thing work?

That’s what this guide is going to be all about, how to make a long distance relationship work.

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The Problem With Long Distance Relationships

theres your problem

Take it from someone who has been in a long distance relationship before, they aren’t easy…

If you have truly fallen for someone then you want nothing more than to be next to them all the time. Of course, if you are long distance it’s kind of impossible to do that and therein lies our problem.

The Problem = No Physical Contact

One of the best parts about dating someone new for the first time is that you often can’t take your hands off each other.

  • You hold hands…
  • Kiss…
  • Cuddle…
  • Have passionate hugs…
  • I think you get the idea.

My point is simple, in a long distance relationship you only get to do those things in short bursts. For example, lets say that you and I were in a long distance relationship and we only see each other for a few days every single month. Well, we would get to do the things listed above during those days we have together but then all of a sudden when we are separated its a bit shocking because all of a sudden you are taken away from the thing you want most in the world.

Now, I suppose an argument can be made that “absence does make the heart grow fonder.” However, absence also can caused weak minded individuals to stray from the relationship. I believe this is the “out of sight out of mind” mindset.

So, which is more likely to happen in a LDR (long distance relationship?)

“Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder” Vs. “Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind”

abscence out of sight

Before I tackle this age old question and how it relates to LDR’s lets take a moment to define what each of these quotes mean.

Lets start with,

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

This basically means that the less you see someone the more you will want to see them. For example, if you and I were in a long distance relationship and we saw each other only twice a month then we would both probably want so badly to see each other for the next months two days during the “absent period” that our feelings for each other would grow.

Of course, there will always be those people that absence has the opposite effect on.

“Out of sight, out of mind.”

The idea behind this quote is that the less you see of someone the more likely you are to look elsewhere for the “physical benefits” if you catch my drift. Again, lets pretend that we have a long distance relationship and see each other only two days every month. Well, turns out that those two days aren’t enough for you and you begin to stray and end up cheating on me because I was never around due to the distance.

So, out of these two quotes which is more likely to happen.

Which Quote More Accurately Describes Long Distance Relationships?

Both actually.

Obviously a lot of it depends on the two individuals in the relationship and how committed they are to making it work. However, from my vast experience dealing with a lot of different long distance situations on this site I would have to say that both quotes are extremely accurate.

In fact, they almost form a hybrid quote,

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder… unless it’s too long… and then it’s out of sight out of mind.”

So, what does this hybrid quote mean?

Simple, absence often makes the heart grow fonder. However, if you stay absent for too long then it’s likely that the other person is going to stray.

For example, I had a woman comment here on the site once that she cheated on her (now) ex boyfriend.

Why did she cheat?

Well, it turns out that they were in a long distance relationship and her (now) ex boyfriend just stopped paying attention to her. In effect, he became totally absent and she didn’t like that very much. Eventually he became so absent that she started to stray and eventually ended up cheating on him with one of her guy friends.

So, his absence made her heart grow fond at first until she couldn’t take the absence anymore and decided to do something to “dull the pain.”

This begs an interesting question.

What is the best way to ensure that the absence doesn’t grow so bad that your significant other strays?

I’m glad you asked!

The Importance Of A Consistent Routine

consistent

One of the most interesting aspects of relationships is how a couple gets into a routine.

For example, a common routine for a couple in a long distance relationship would be to text each other all day and then call, FaceTime or Skype each other at night. These types of routines are good because it gives each person something to look forward to each and every day.

Of course, the problem with this routine in a long distance relationship is that even though each person is paying attention to one another constantly there still isn’t any physical contact being made.

Remember what I said above during the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” vs. “out of sight, out of mind” argument above?

In order for a LDR to thrive physical contact needs to be made consistently.

Now, this is where the actual distance between the couple comes into play.

The Two Couple Example

long distance

I would like to take a moment and illustrate an important point about routine and distance by using two examples of couples. Each couple is in a long distance relationship and is separated by a certain amount of distance.

  1. Couple 1 is separated by 100 miles
  2. Couple 2 is separated by 1000 miles

So, the question I want to pose to you is how often should each of these couples get into the routine of seeing each other in person?

Couple 1- 100 Miles

While being separated by your significant other by 100 miles is certainly considered long distance it isn’t like you are being separated by 1000 miles like the other example I am about to pose. I think it is fair to say that a couple separated by 100 miles should be seeing each other in person 2-4 times a month.

So, if we were to draw up a “perfect LDR routine” for a couple who is separated by 100 miles it would look like this:

  • The two people would text each other throughout the day (building a strong emotional connection.)
  • At the end of the day (or even throughout the day) the couple should call each other, FaceTime or Skype.
  • Every week or every other week the two people should take turns visiting each other (face to face) to strengthen their physical connection.

Lets take a look at a more complicated relationship, a LDR where the couple is separated by thousands of miles.

Couple 2- 1000 Miles

When it comes to long distance relationships a couple who is separated by a thousand miles has it pretty rough.

Why?

Because, traveling across the country or into another country can be quite expensive. I mean, it’s not like you can just drive a couple of hours and see them every weekend. No, in order to see your better half you have to buy a plane ticket and make sure both of your schedules are cleared.

So, what is an ideal number for the amount of times a “1000 mile LDR couple” should see each other in person?

At least one time a month…

Lets draw up a “perfect” routine for this couple now:

  • The two people text each other throughout the day (strengthens emotional connection.)
  • The two people call/FaceTime/Skype each other a bit more frequently than the 100 mile couple above.
  • At least once a month this LDR couple should take turns visiting each other.

The One Thing No One Talks About With LDR’S

no one told me

Long distance relationships have a very interesting aspect to them that I don’t hear that many people mention.

What is this aspect?

They cost money!

Hmm… how can I put this in a way so you understand.

Ok, which couple do you think is more likely to have a successful LDR.

A couple in which both people have established careers in which they earn a decent amount of income every year?

or

A couple where both people are just out of high school where they don’t have much money at all?

If you guessed the couple with the established careers then you would be right.

But why?

It’s quite simple really. Seeing your better half if you are separated by a considerable amount of distance is going to cost money.

Lets use the two couple example I gave in the last section (100 miles vs 1000 miles.)

It’s pretty much common sense that the 1000 mile couple is going to have to pay a lot more since plane tickets can cost a lot of money. Of course, don’t discount the fact that gassing up your car to drive one hundred miles to see your significant other is going to set you back a bit financially as well.

It is my firm belief that in order for a LDR to work both parties have to be willing to spend money to see each other and for some younger couples this isn’t really an option (I am looking at you high school couples.) Now, am I saying that your LDR relationship is completely doomed if you don’t have money to spend on trips to see your partner?

No.

I am simply saying that if you don’t have money to spend on a trip then it is going to make your LDR that much harder to succeed.

The Role That Time Plays Into A LDR

I have been pretty adamant about the fact that I think LDR couples should get into a consistent routine of seeing each other in person. Well, you know what seeing each other in person requires?

Time.

Lets take the 1000 mile relationship for example. Not only do you have to set time aside every single day to be close to your significant other via texts and phone calls but you have to clear your schedule months in advance for a face to face meeting.

Some couples don’t have this luxury as they work full time and don’t have that many vacation days they can use.

In other words, not only do LDR’s create financial hardships for certain couples but they can also create headwind in the form of time as well.

This leads me to my next point.

You Can’t Stay In A Long Distance Relationship Forever

forever

Out of everything I am going to say in this guide this is without a doubt the most important section.

So, listen up!

Most long distance couples have their heads in the sand when it comes to thinking about the future.

Why?

My guess is that they don’t like to think about the possibility of not being together long term. For example, lets say that you and I are in a long distance relationship and neither of us have the finances or time to be together permanently. In other words, we are stuck where we are and the possibility of seeing each other every day (like most couples) isn’t feasible.

Well, neither of us wants to think about things like that because it hurts too much and we both have strong feelings for each other.

Well, while keeping our heads in the sand will be nice for a little while eventually one of us is going to want a more permanent situation and that is where reality sets in and we realize that we probably aren’t going to work out.

I see this happen with a lot of long distance couples as they don’t have the means to be together permanently.

The Key To A Successful LDR

LDR

You want to know what separates the amazing long distance couples from the average ones?

The amazing ones stop at nothing to find a way to be together permanently.

Lets say that you and your long distance boyfriend live across the country from one another (you live in Pennsylvania and your boyfriend lives in Texas.) Well, obviously the two of you should be looking for a more permanent solution where you can be together to see each other in person more frequently.

That means that either you or your boyfriend are going to have to move to each other.

Now, asking someone to pick up their entire life and move to you or you to them is kind of a scary thought which is why most people in a long distance relationship aren’t willing to make the necessary sacrifices.

What sacrifices have to be made to ensure that the relationship is successful?

Sacrifices That Will Have To Be Made For A LDR To Work

sacrifice

You know, most people say things like,

“The key to relationships is compromise.”

or

“The key to marriage is compromise.”

Well, when it comes to LDR’s the key to them is sacrifice. Both people involved have to be willing to make sacrifices in order for it to work.

What kind of sacrifices?

Someone Is Probably Going To Have To Move

I have already established that for a long distance relationship to work there has to be an overarching goal in which the two people involved in the relationship see each other on a daily basis to satisfy each others physical needs. This means that for those couples separated by a considerable amount of distance someone in the relationship is going to have to move to the other one.

This is a sacrifice that scares the hell out of most people.

Why?

Because you are asking someone to leave their friends, family and job for a relationship that has no guarantee of working out.

This is why most long distance relationships fail because someone isn’t willing to make this kind of sacrifice.

You Might Have To Live Together

Lets pretend for a moment that your significant other (who lives in another state) has agreed to make a move to come live in your state. Well, if your better half is willing to make that kind of sacrifice then you might have to be willing to make a sacrifice of your own by living together.

Now, this site is full of women who have a lot of different views on living together. Some of these views are very old fashioned in that some women believe it isn’t right to live together until you get married.

While I personally don’t have any problem with this view if someone is moving across the country for you then it might be disrespectful to them to say,

“Oh, by the way even though your moving across the country for me you are going to have to get your own place and we can’t live together until I see some type of major commitment like marriage.”

Look, if you get another human being to put his or her life behind them to be with you then what greater commitment to your relationship is there than that?

How Age Factors Into LDR’s

age

This may be a hard section for some of you to hear. However, I feel it is important that you hear it.

Believe it or not but age can play a massive factor in a long distance relationship. Now, I know you are probably sitting there wondering,

“What the heck does age have to do with anything?”

Well, by looking at someones age you can make certain assumptions (which most of the time end up being true.) I know stereotyping isn’t necessarily a good thing but in this case we are going to do so just lay off me for a bit ok 😉 .

Two Important Assumptions Based On Age

Really what I want to look at here is how age affects a long distance relationship.

Well, in my experience I have found that age can affect an LDR in two big ways.

What are those two ways?

  1. Money
  2. Maturity

Money

Lets use two men as an example here. Lets say that one of the men is 30 years old and the other is 18 years old. Both of these men are currently in long distance relationships with someone of a similar age.

Here is the question I pose to you,

Which one of these men is more likely to have more financial stability?

Well, if you look at these men simply based on their age you are going to guess the man who is 30 years old?

Why?

Probably because he is completely finished with his schooling, has settled into a career and he has had a lot more time to save up money. I mean, an 18 year old is still in high school, doesn’t have a career and hasn’t really had any time to save up money.

It probably doesn’t take a genius to realize what I am getting at here.

The older you are in a long distance relationship the more means you have available to you to make things work.

Take a look at the sacrifices I mentioned in the above section (someone is going to have to move, you will have to live together most likely if someone does move.) Well, I know it is easy to get caught up in the romance of a long distance relationship. It’s so nice to plan things out and daydream at how great things can be if you do wind up together with your significant other but eventually reality has to set in and the reality of a long distance relationship is that in order for you to come to a permanent solution where you can have a non long distance relationship with this person you or the person has to have the finances to make it happen.

(It’s not inexpensive to move and getting a place together will certainly cost money.)

An 18 year old kid with no money isn’t going to be able to make those kind of sacrifices.

Lets take a look at the other way age can affect a LDR, maturity.

Maturity

Lets stay with our example of the two men (one aged 18 and one aged 30) for the maturity example.

I am going to ask you a really simple question,

Without knowing these two men (18 year old/ 30 year old) personally which one do you think is the more likely to be mature?

90% of people would probably answer the 30 year old and they would probably be right. Of course, there are always those exceptions to the rule where you find an exceptional person who is wise beyond his or her years but we are stereotyping here, remember?

A 30 year old man is probably going to have a lot more life experience to draw upon which means that he is going to know the best way to handle all kinds of situations. Also, you can’t discount that a 30 year old man has probably been through a number of relationships in his personal life so he will properly know how to handle the feelings he is having.

Lets compare that to an 18 year old boy in high school who doesn’t have much life experience of his own. Why is life experience important for a human being to have?

Because it allows us to find our identities!

It gives us a purpose and teaches us what we want out of life.

Of course, an 18 year old most likely doesn’t have any experience with a serious relationships at all so he will probably be experiencing a lot of new emotions at once and how does that famous saying go?

When emotions run high logic runs low.

Of course, I still haven’t answered the million dollar question yet.

Why is being mature important to a long distance relationship?

A friend of mine told me something really interesting a long time ago.

Being in a relationship is almost like being addicted to a drug. At times it can feel like you can’t breathe without the other person.

I feel that this quote holds true in so many different cases. Of course, your feelings can almost intensify tenfold if you are long distance (remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder 😉 .) It takes a very mature individual to be able to deal with the distance and make the decisions necessary to ensure that the relationship thrives and as sad as this is to say I feel that younger people experiencing relationships for the first time are at a disadvantage.

How to Handle Common Long Distance Obstacles

obstacle explosives

Every relationship has at least one obstacle it has to overcome. Well, it just so happens that long distance relationships have a lot of obstacles.

Hmm…

Perhaps it would be a good idea if I took a moment to explain what I mean by “obstacle.”

For me, an obstacle is anything that is going to stand in the way of making your relationship succeed. Off the top of my head the most common obstacles that I can think of that a long distance couple is likely to encounter are:

  • The distance (which can cause fights)
  • Jealousy/ Fear of infidelity
  • You can’t be physical with each other very often.

The Distance Can Cause Fights

distance

Have you ever heard that phrase,

In long distance relationships 90% of your problems stem from the distance and not from actual relationship problems?

Being in a long distance relationship can be extremely frustrating at times. I mean, the more serious you are about the relationship the more you just want to be next to that person all the time yet the distance between you prevents that from happening. Look, some couples can handle the distance with grace but most couples can’t.

It’s frustrating to want something so badly and to know you can’t have it at that moment.

When I was younger I always loved eating this certain TV dinner. Every time my family would go grocery shopping I would get this one specific TV dinner and I would just crave it at different times throughout the week. Well, whenever I would crave it I would run downstairs, open the refrigerator, pick it out and make it. I will never forget this one time when my little brother decided to take the last TV dinner for himself. Of course, I didn’t find out until I got my usual cravings for it, came downstairs and discovered that the TV dinner that I loved so very much was nowhere to be found.

I knew who took it right away, my little brother.

Oh… I was so angry at him. I mean, he took food that I had clearly set aside for myself and had gotten away with it.

Being in a long distance relationship is a little like that. Sometimes the distance can become so annoying that you start to take it out on your partner.

For example, lets say that an imaginary man and woman (lets call them Harry and Sally) are in a long distance relationship. Well, one day Sally starts to feel that the distance is beginning to get unbearable and she becomes extremely irritable at every little thing. When Harry calls her that day she begins to take her irritability out on him. Of course, Harry doesn’t take too kindly to this and he begins to get angry with her and then the next thing you know the two are fighting about pointless things.

(FYI this is not an uncommon situation that occurs in LDR’s.)

Solution

I think it’s smart to have something to hold onto like a goal that the both of you have to achieve.

Any idea what type of goal I am talking about here?

Hmm… perhaps one where both of you find a permanent way to get rid of the distance?

Imagine this for a second.

Instead of getting irritable at how much the distance is bothering the both of you what do you think would happen if you both were so fierce in your commitment to each other that you just focused on getting rid of the distance?

Do you think you would be having silly fights over pointless things caused by the distance?

Having that permanent solution is something that absolutely needs to happen.

Jealousy & The Fear Of Infidelity

infidelity

Everyone in every relationship can get a little jealous from time to time. Some experts out there would have you believe that being jealous is a bad thing that can potentially harm your relationship in the long run. While I definitely think that too much jealousy can be harmful I also believe that a little jealousy can be a good thing because it is an indication to the other person to show them that you really care about them.

Of course, when you are dealing with a long distance relationship everything is intensified because of the distance.

Take this situation for example.

Imagine that you and your significant other are dating one another and are in a long distance relationship. All of a sudden your partner calls you up and tells you that they got invited out to lunch with a member of the opposite sex and they accepted.

When presented with this situation you are probably going to experience two emotions.

  1. Anger
  2. Jealousy

You will experience anger because it is going to feel like your long distance partner went behind your back and went on a date with someone else.

You are going to experience jealousy because human beings tend to have possessive qualities here and there and the thought that your partner could find a connection like the one they have with you is going to scare you a little bit.

Now, lets stay with the example here because I feel it allows me to illustrate multiple points.

As your significant other goes to this “lunch” with a member of the opposite sex all kinds of thoughts are going to enter your head. Perhaps the most scary thought is going to revolve around cheating.

“Are they cheating on me with this person?”

When you add in the distance to this craziness you can get someone who becomes extremely paranoid. I mean, thoughts like this wouldn’t be uncommon,

“If they are cheating on me I would have no way of knowing because I am so far away… They could get away with everything and I wouldn’t have the slightest idea.”

Look, I have never met a person who isn’t afraid of getting cheated on at some point. It is a fear that everyone has because no one wants to get betrayed on that level. Unfortunately, this fear is multiplied in long distance relationships because of the distance and being so far away.

Remember, the fear of “out of sight, out of mind.”

So, if you are in a LDR where you or your partner are plagued with jealousy and infidelity fears how are you supposed to handle them?

Solution

Closeness…

You handle issues and fears like this with extreme closeness.

Do you remember how earlier in this guide I suggested that you and your partner do everything you can to combat the distance by staying close to each other via texts, phone calls, Skype and Facetime? Well, one of the benefits of doing that is that you can kind of combat any fears of infidelity with extreme closeness.

Now, obviously the risk of being this close is that you could come off as being overbearing. This is where your own knowledge of your partner comes in handy. For example, if you know your better half isn’t a huge fan of talking every five seconds then it is ok to give them some space. Yes, you still want to be close with them but instead of keeping them close to the chest you keep them at arms length.

Knowing your partner is extremely important here.

No Consistent Physical Contact

physical contact

This is the one that I think most people struggle with when it comes to a long distance relationship.

Lets take a normal relationship (not separated by distance) for example. Lets say that a couple like this is going to see each other around 3-5 times a week. That means that every time this couple sees each other they can do things like hold hands, kiss, cuddle and have sex.

A long distance relationship doesn’t have this advantage. It can sometimes take months before you see your partner and while when you finally do see each other you probably won’t be able to keep your hands off one another your time together isn’t forever as you or your partner will probably have to go back to their stomping grounds hundreds of miles away.

Some people just aren’t cut out for this type of wait for physical contact.

How are you supposed to remedy this?

Solution

In my mind there are two solutions to the lack of consistent physical contact.

The first one I have talked about multiple times, HAVE A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO BE TOGETHER!

Look, one of the biggest benefits to having a relationship with someone is how you can be together physically and no I am just not talking about sex. I am talking about simple things like holding hands, intimate hugs and passionate kisses. If you and your partner have something worked out to where you can be together permanently in the future you both having something to work for.

The second solution is all about setting up times to see each other until you can reach that permanent solution.

In other words, see each other as much as possible in person until you can find that permanent fix!

February 1, 2017

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

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What Do You Think? (127)

  1. Pink - 0

    Pink

    Hi,

    So this was what happened last week. My husband of three months asked a bit of help to do something and I said ok. After all that had been done, he still ranted and raved about the matter. I told him that the matter has already been resolved. (I see the too much noise like some crazy woman complaining).

    When we ended the call, I texted him that after all unneccessary noise, he didnt bother to say thank you to me. And you know what I get? 3-4 days of NO CONTACT. I thought he lost his phone or got disconnected from network. After that some days, I managed to grab hold of him and he suggested that we talked on watsapp. I was like, oh i see….internet didnt get disconnected, after all.

    My husband has a habit of doing that now. It is a long distance marriage and we do meet up a couple of few times each month.

    Questions:
    1. I dont want to entertain his kind of behaviour like he is the upper hand of the situation. Hes expecting me to call him, even when he has done something wrong.
    It will be 3 days and it might lengthen to 5 or 6 days. I want to stop this madness and talk like adults.

    2. SInce hes my husband, he still has to talk to me to find out what is going on in my life. Do i wait for him to call me or do i have to call him after a period of time?

    Before this behaviour get ingrained in him, I want to do something that will wake him up. How on earth am i going to do that?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Pink,

      Talk to him first. Communicate your feelings and how you hope to get his side to understand him, so you can work things out… If he doesnt want to talk or he ignored it, observe first if he changes or shows it through his actions instead.

      If he still doesnt change then do a no contact rule and think about what you really want and what your standards are. Because you cant change other people, for me you shouldnt settle. You get what you allow in your life.

  2. Anon - 0

    Anon

    My boyfriend and I dated for about 4 months. Three nights ago, everything was fine and we had an amazing phone call. The next night, he broke up with me because a. He wasnt ready for the commitment. b. He couldn’t handle the distance. And c. He thought he was getting in the way of me making friends in college. We started out living a few minutes away and saw each other almost everyday during the summer, but now I’m in college and almost an hour away (I mean it’s really not too far) with no car and he’s busy with sports and his parents don’t trust his car to let him up here. He already is accepted to my college for next year, and intended to attend my school anyway. He wanted to just stay friends for now and at first i was like, this is the only way I can still be able to show him i love him, until I found this website. Starting today I’m going to try my best and do NC, but theres one small problem. The day my 30 days would be up is really close to Halloween and I intend on staying on campus and participating in Halloween activities. And, ill be home in two weeks and ill be hanging out with our only friends and seeing him is almost inevitable. I think he’s already realized we could’ve made it work because he already sent me a snap a little bit under an hour ago and I usually am on the job to reply to anything he sends and I usually double text. He just sent me a text in the middle of writing this. He told me last night he wasn’t in the mood for fun (he had homecoming and didn’t get to enjoy it because he’s sad about this). Do you think he already misses me? He made it very clear during the breakup he still wanted to be my “best friend” and that he cares about me a lot. And, he never used the word “break up”. Instead, he used “i think we need some time apart”. Also, yesterday out of nowhere he said he could come visit me today (his parents ended up changing his mind). Obviously I want him back really bad too.

    Okay that was more information than necessary so here’s what I’m wondering:

    – Do you think he already misses me?

    – Do you think 14 days would be enough no contact since I’ll be home then and we’re going to probably see each other anyways? And, after just 9 hours of no contact he already is trying to talk to me.

    -Do you think NC even has a good chance of working? Or is there something better I should try?

    -Should I tell him I’m going to not be texting him since I did tell him i still wanted to be his friend?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Anon,

      Yes on , he is going to miss you and doing just 14 days. There’s not guarantee that nc will work but I think it’s your best option and nope, don’t tell him that you’re going to ignore him

    • Anon - 0

      Anon

      Update for whomever reads this:

      It didn’t take me the 30 days of NC to get him back.

      It took 30 hours. After the first few hours, it was already evident that he missed me. He sent text after text telling me he wasn’t going to bother me anymore. The first time, I semi-believed him. But not even 20 minutes later he sent me another one on a different platform, and a whole bunch regarding him wanting to know why I was ignoring him. He said “Whatever you’re doing is working.” And then, he sent another goodbye text. At that point I looked at my friend and said, “I know this isn’t the last time he’s going to text me. I’m pretty sure he’s going to call me by the end of the night.” I walked downstairs to the lobby of our dorm to pick up some cookies we ordered. It was 10 minutes and by the time we went back into the room, I was exactly dead on right. He called me, I missed it. He also left me this insanely beautiful yet tragic text and I knew if I called him back, he would want me to take him back. So that’s what I did. We’re back together quicker than anticipated and I’m already excited to see where we go this time 🙂

      Moral of the story: I honestly thought going into it he was just going to think I was being a huge bitch, but he didn’t. It worked even though I didn’t expect it to, and it worked quicker than expected.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Wow! Well, you’re very blessed.. congrats to you!

  3. Lena - 0

    Lena

    Hello. I did NC last March and by the time I talked to my ex, he was happy and ecstatic. NC is indeed effective! He was back on his old self and we’re having conversation like long lost friends. I mentioned out of the blue that I will go to another city (where he also lives and works). He then told me to just text him. A few minutes of our conversation, he asked me to watch a movie with him. I was surprised by that proposal. I don’t want to hope but it was so weird that he asked me out.

    The whole April we talk about everything and sometimes our chat only consist of sending each other Facebook messenger stickers and emojis. In the middle of the same month, I asked him a question. Our conversation went on like this.
    ME: Do you believe in second chances?
    HIM: Yep 🙂
    M: Like in a relationship? Have you tried that before?
    H: Never tried or experience it. But it’s not impossible.
    M: But are you willing though?
    H: Depends if I want to.
    M: Well, I want to give it a try. If I ask you to give us a second chance, what would it be?
    H: The thing is, we need to be both sure of our feelings.
    M: But are you willing to try?
    H: I can’t give you an answer right now.

    So did I do the right thing? Because at that point on, I thought it was the most opportune moment. Also, he shared a sort of poem in his Facebook page. The title is “A Letter to The Girl I Left Behind”. This is the whole prose:

    I don’t know when I’ll be back
    Maybe in four months, maybe in six, maybe in a year

    I have so many places to see

    so many people to meet

    so many things to experience

    so many memories to built

    I don’t know when I’ll be back

    I have so many things to do before I come home

    And I say ”home” because for me home is where you are

    I’m homeless

    Just my backpack and my memory of you

    fading in the desert’s sand

    blown away by the Moroccan wind

    I don’t know when I’ll be back

    I have so many cultures to discover

    different religions

    different musics

    different flavors,
    perfumes,
    colors

    I have to find out who I am before I come back

    Then I’ll be ready to love you,

    to give you my soul
    totally

    unconditionally

    spiritual free

    I don’t know when I’ll be back

    I’m not ready yet

    But when I’ll do it I just hope to find you there

    I asked who was that for and he said “just random words”. I am so confused it seems like he is stringing me along. He hardly contacts me since last weekend because he said he is tired lately from work. He said he is still up for the movie date around May. I’ve got the feeling that he’s trying to suppress whatever his feeling towards me. I don’t want to sound too hopeful. Was the poem just really a bunch of random words he happened to like without any feelings? They say that whatever you share in your Facebook a reflection of what you are feeling or that you greatly relate to it.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Lena,

      it’s not so bad that you asked but I think he’s taking it slow now because he doesn’t want you to be too hopeful.. I think he just wanted to be friends, and he’s not “there” yet when you asked him..

  4. J - 0

    J

    Hi Chris

    I’ve met a guy online, we started with texting and it went very well. After a week or 2, we decided to meet up for lunch, and we like each other a lot then we meet again next day.
    Because of work, we are only able to meet up during weekend and sometimes if we can’t wait until weekend, I’ll drive up to him and when we back to each other home, we can’t wait to see each other again. If possible, we would like to be with each other everyday!
    Until one day, he said that his work is finished here and have to back to his country. He said it was not fair if he ask me to wait. I thought about it a lot and asked him if I wait, what do he think and he was so happy and he promise he will come back for me. So we started with this long distance thingy. It was okay for the first month. Yes the missing is unbearable but he still try his best to text and make calls. And suddenly he become busy, less texting and calling. I started with all these lengthy texting to him and even myself feel regret after that, it sounds like I do not understand him enough. ( TBH, I felt very worry and feel very insecure )Then he disappear for whole day without any reply. When he replied, he said things went too fast for him and he took sometime for it.
    Ever since then he don’t read my text even he is online on his whatsapp. I asked what are we now but he never answers. When I text him about something else, he replied with simple text. I’m not sure are we still in the relationship or how.

    We met online, started with texting, get together almost 1 month and he left went back to home country. I know it’s short timing but I really do like him a lot, and when he is around, I can feel his seriousness. He met my family members, he even say that I should meet his as well in the future, but in just a few days time everything is changed.

    I’ve no idea what is he thinking, are we still in the relationship ? I don’t dare to ask anymore because I worry he will say no and demand for break up.

    The last message i texted him, just when I think he will never reply, and I almost give up, he replied. Even though is very short but he still replied only like 15 hrs after i texted him.

    I have not yet reply his text. I don’t know what to do.

    Reply
  5. Sydny - 0

    Sydny

    My ex performed the full block out, somehow information is spread between mutual co workers and passed around to me. So I find out things about his life still, vise versa. He recently moved to be with his mom who has cancer, he has a lot on his plate. But I don’t want to contact him, he will see me as very vulnerable and he will know he has control. Am I supposed to just wait until he contacts me so I don’t seem eager ?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      No you can contact him in 30 days. Good job on the block out.

  6. Confused & Depressed - 0

    Confused & Depressed

    Hey!

    I need your expertise.

    So I’ve been with my guy, now ex, for almost 2 years. We are in LDR when he broke up with me (last 4 days ago) – although he did ask for a break up before, like four times (and now it’s official), I just didn’t want to accept it and I kept on forcing him to not to give up. We were in an 8 months relationship together, not LDR, in Asia (where I am currently staying) – we were schoolmates, he was an exchange student from Europe – and everything was fine (although I never liked it when he lies, or leave some things unsaid, like most of the time, which caused me to lose ‘a bit’ of my trust in him – until our relationship finally ended).

    Moving on, he left Asia after the term ended – well, he actually stayed a few months more for me – so we went LDR for about 3 months (he was in Europe and he worked there in order for him to get a ticket to visit me again)… I know, why leave and work when he can just stay until the new school term (in Europe)? Well that’s because his parents missed him, he already had the ticket and he already had extended his stay for months). ☺️

    To cut things short, he went back to Asia to be with me, for 2 weeks. We talked about our future and that he’ll be with me after he’s done with his studies (after 8 months, year 2015).

    We went LDR. We did what the typical LDR couples would do… By I can see that we were going down the line in the middle of our 8-month LDR. He was being annoyed on suppose, but won’t say it, he’d act it out though. He’s a good guy and he does what I asked, and I’m used to that… Until March this year, he first broke up with me for some petty issue, my fault. But we didn’t really break up. Then 2nd and 3rd break up, still, it didn’t happen – I keep asking him not to. I love him. Then on May, the 4th time he asked for a break up, but this time his reason was different… Even his plans changed by the way (after the 2nd break up initiation): he said he planned on studying/working again for about 2 years. He still have plans on going back to visit me after his studies which ended on June (but he has to have a work before he flies to me, and he got hired! Both happy).

    He was so excited and happy about it just last Friday… But then after he got back from the 2nd party (in which he didn’t contact me for the whole day, second time he did it. I was so pissed, of course), I noticed something’s wrong with him. He has been distancing himself after the 1st party (he was mad at me, he thought I went clubbing). You see, I don’t want him with girls – specially that one particular girl who’s so close to him I think they had something in the past. I think they were together during that 1st party (the sh*tty part is that he didn’t even mentioned that that girl was there too at the 2nd party)! Since that day he’s kind of changed – no idea if it’s because of me or if it’s because of another girl. Futhermore, during that day he took his Viber and Skype off. I think he got annoyed with me, my fault too, I was b*tching out a lot – I never liked being ignored but he kept doing it!

    Then the coming days, he seemed okay. He was sweet and all, normal yet you do know he still wasn’t okay, yep, until that 2nd party (overnight) wherein he said he’ll go home before the girls get to that party (2nd day), but HE DIDN’T! Instead he ignored me the whole day – he said the following day that he lost his phone. When I asked his friend first (that’s the only fine too, that he only texted me), his friend said that there was no signal. I know he’s being fishy. He even said he’s scared of me. Lol. So same thing, we arguedddd. He was irritated. We were okay after eventually, but I had the feeling he’s trying to be really okay but it wouldn’t work anymore. Then in the morning, the next day, he was sweet and all, until he got annoyed and sarcastic (idk why) and said we always argue, we always text, and that he’s not sure if he can go visit me anymore… We didn’t talk much that day (as I thought he cheated on me at that 2nd party). He just slept, he said he feels like he needs to sleep a lot. So I left him.

    The next day, he said he won’t, and can’t visit me anymore. I was shocked. Then he said that our relationship isn’t going anywhere anymore that he has no other choice but to end it with me for good and he can’t survive LDR for 2 years (because he has to go back to Europe right away after that intended 2 months of visiting me), and just broke up with me… He said he doesn’t want to hurt me by cheating or lying to me. I was broken hearted because I know this time he meant the break up… And the “cheating” part. Of course I texted and begged a lot as I can’t call him anymore. He took his Facebook account off and deleted our photos from Instagram. It hurts when he knows those mattered to me. But thanks to you, I realized this is what guys do in break ups.

    Anyway… Will the LDR – NC Rule work here? I am not his priority anymore… I did felt that he took me for granted for quite a while… I do know though that it’s the situation that our relationship had to end: 2 years.

    Please, I need your advice. I really want him back… I told him I can visit him… But then he said: what, for 15 days?!
    I’m willing to put the effort. But he still don’t want it…

    I’m confused and depressed… Does this mean he has another girl, did he cheat, or is it the situation? He did say there are no girls, but I don’t know if I’ll believe him since he lies a lot lately and/or doesn’t say stuff much when it comes to girls…

    Hoping for your response! Thanks!

    Reply
  7. X - 0

    X

    Chris,

    My fiance broke up with me last Monday, before that we had an argument Sunday night and I called him selfish. He was mad and hurt because of that. Yes we are in a long distance,one reason why we always argue(because of the distance).After he broke up with me I became a text and call gnat. I leave lots of messages on Skype and send him emails.He didn’t bother to pick up or reply on all my calls and messages until Yesterday,He asked me if I am feeling better because I was sick, we had a good talk and he also talked to me last night. I asked him if we still have a chance and he said he want me to move on and he is letting me go. I asked him if it is okay with him if I will go out with another guy but he aid he will honestly not tolerate me cheating on him. I said I will never do that because in my heart he is already my husband and would wait for him even when he will have a new girl, I would still wait till he come back to me. I even asked him if he want me to change my surname on FB because when we got engage I started using his surname. He didn’t exactly said that it’s okay but told me he know me and he know that I will not change it. I kept asking him last night if we still had a chance and we ended up doing Skype sex. after the sex I said I love him and that I will wait for him to come back to me. I even asked him to call me using our endearment. He keeps telling me I am his friend. I dont know if he really mean it saying he doesnt love me anymore because that was too early for him to tell me.Today I didn’t contacted him and planning to do the NC.Any advice on what is the best thing to do and put in mind. I love him and I know he do love me too.

    Reply
  8. Confused - 0

    Confused

    Hi Chris,
    Sooo you ex boyfriend recovery actually worked! Wooo, I was quite amazed after following your tips we soon got back together…
    However, fast forward a few months and all of a sudden things have turned bad again. lets say a situation covers more than one of your topics you talk about for instance its long distance, now currently an on/off relationship & also he can get insecure & jealous at times which comes across as ‘stand offish’ … should I gather your information across your pages and put it all together? We have been together 3 years also.
    Thank you

    Reply
  9. June - 0

    June

    Hi Chris!
    I found your blog a couple days ago and have been reading many of your articles,
    they are so informative and I kept reading them over and over again.
    Today I saw this article and found it suits my situation at the moment but have no idea what to do next.
    I will be very grateful if you could kindly give me some advices regarding my situation, here’s what happened…

    I am 25 and my ex is 3 years younger than me. We’d benn together for almost 6 months, and we had talked about building a life together.
    For the first month everything was perfect, we met each other everyday and had never fought,
    but then we started LDR, he’s in the USA and I am in Asia.
    Just like you quote in this article, “In long distance relationships 90% of your problems stem from the distance and not from actual relationship problems”.
    I started fighting with him with little things, because the distance made me insecure–
    most of time he said those fights were meaningless and I was just trying to catch his attention.
    I do agree that most of the fights were no big deal but about why he didn’t call or text me when he said he would,
    or why he didn’t tell me beforehand when he changed his plans…
    I had been constantly fought with him with this kind of topics because he made me feel he would care about me or this relationship less if I don’t point out the things I wish he could do for me.

    Three days ago I was mad at him about why he didn’t call me at the time he said he was going to (again),
    but he ignored my anger and chose not to call me still.
    In his last response of this argument he told me to stop contacting him, I blocked him everywhere (FB, Whatsapp, Skype…) after I saw that message, and we haven’t contacted each other ever since.
    However, I still have contact with his sister every other day since me and my ex started LDR, we always have much fun stuff to share with each other, and we actually have never talked about my ex in our conversation after we broke up.
    Today his sister told me that my ex bf keeps asking her if I messaged her and If we were talking about him.

    I am not sure what it means when he asks these questions, was it just out of curiosity?
    And I wonder if NC could also work well since we are in long distance with 12 hours time differences?
    I am worried in the end we will just step out of each other’s life forever with time and distance…

    Thank you for your attention in this matter Chris!

    Reply
  10. Rosanne - 0

    Rosanne

    I’ve met this guy via social media and we live in different towns (not so far) and the conversations were creative and innerself revealing. We got to know each other deeper every day and were constantly updating each other about where we are or what are we up to. Sometimes it would be short and sweet, sometimes longer, depending of work (hard working type of guy). Later on he kept telling me i understand and respect him like no other woman before, that his heart is mine and he sees his future with me, and like he feels he found the one he was looking for. He is always so attentive and respectful towards me. We made plans to meet in person these days and that he expects a ‘definite and serious response’. The thing is, along with his hardworking routine lately he started renovating and repairing his real estate, which he once told me he had purchased to live with his wife if he marries someday. So, now the contact is a bit shorter and faster, and although he assures me that it’s just the tiredness of these busy days and once it’s done he’ll have more time as he always did, I can’t help it: i feel panicked. Do you think i need to worry? Any tips? thanks in advance, Rosanne

    Reply
  11. Hanna - 0

    Hanna

    Hey there!! I’m facing such a big dilemma. My bf and I have been dating a year and I broke up with him and it hurts so much. He lives in Texas and I’m in Maryland. We saw each other once a month and continued our relationship through Fone and text! I broke up with him a few times bc of stupid things like he’s never available wen I want him to be or he won’t make time to visit me more, we both have kids from different partners. Out of anger I broke up with him in December which was breakup # 4! All the other breakups I called him the next day and apologized! This breakup I waited 20 days thinking he would call me or reach out bc every break up he never attempted too, it was always me! After 20 days of no response I tried contacting him by saying I’m sorry for being irrational and I started begging for him and now he’s completely blocked me! Wen I reached out to his sister he messaged me and told me to leave him the fuck alone! He told me when he moves on, he erases every memory or emotional attachment and moves on and doesn’t look back! He is very headstrong. I’ve apologized and begged and nothing and he keeps telling me that we will never get back together. I did the nc for 32 days and tried contacting him but nothing so I got mad at him and accused him of things and he was super pissed but it was the first time of some kind of response from him. If I text any kind of hi or hru I won’t get anything. He’s even told me that he’s gotten rid of everything I bought him and gave him. He told me that I treated him like poo during the end of our relationship, and that he doesn’t have time for my immaturity and he doubts that I ever loved him! What do I do! I can’t stop loving him! Is there hope?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      You have to stay cool if he doesn’t respond.

      May I ask the exact text you reached out to him with after NC?

    • Hanna - 0

      Hanna

      Before accusing him I just wrote something simple like hey I finally got that video game u were talking about. After accusing him I waited a 2 weeks and then texted him with do u have a min. He actually replied and said not really I’m busy what is it. So I apologized for accusing him. After that I got carried away and engaged in small talk and he just gave me one word responses and then after 5 min he stopped responding

  12. R. - 0

    R.

    Hi Chris!! Im living in Germany for 6 months and 3 months ago I met this amazing guy. We were dating and by the time we should define if it was a relationship or not he decided to end it, because I have to go back to my country (in South America) and he said he is not ready for a LDR. The thing is that I’m returning in x months (not sure how many) and this time staying longer. I understand him, but I just dont know if he doesnt want me at all, or its just the distance. We are not kids and Im sure we could make it work. Since Im leaving in 2 weeks, I wish I could “fix” it and see him before. Do you think that the NC could really work in this situation? I dont fall in love so easily, so I really want to fight for him! Please help me!

    Reply
  13. Rae - 0

    Rae

    Hi there, I was in a LDR for the last 7 months, but we broke up about a month ago. We had a really special relationship before the long distance living and working together in different countries. It was really incredible, and we were great together. But I decided to move to NYC and he decided to stay with the company. We had a plan to eventually be together in NYC, but he kept pushing it back over and over. I was trying to be supportive because I know how much he loves his career, but I also felt that once I was out of sight, he just put the relationship on the back burner. It was so one-sided in terms of communication, and I was constantly trying to pull affection out of him. We started fighting more and more, but then actually worked everything out right before NYE. I had almost broke up with him, but he promised to try harder and he was! Then suddenly, a couple weeks later, he ignored me for an entire weekend and then broke up with through a Skype message! … Anyways… (I would say long story short, but I just wrote a book lol) I recently reached back out to him after 3 weeks of NC, honestly not really with an intention to get back together, I’m not really sure what I want yet. But just out of curiosity to see if he’d answer. He did, and then I sent a reply (all very cordial and nice going off of some of the tips from your blog) but no answer for a few days… until tonight. He messaged me out of the blue and we got to chatting, and he was being very nice but really bragging about his life! Like saying what country he was in, and that he got a big promotion and how it could lead here or there and he was nervous about it. And then saying how I should check out this club he’s going to on youtube and that he’s VIP. totally unsolicited you know? Also saying that he hopes I’m doing okay… what’s the intention here?? Why is he bragging? It really hurt my feelings because the breakup is still so fresh, and it just made me feel like he couldn’t be happier. But I don’t get it! Is he trying to prove a point or something? Because he’s the one who dumped me and basically wiped away all the plans we had. Now I’m left picking up the scraps while he’s apparently living the dream! -__- Advise? Insight? Something? BTW… he’s coming back to the US in March also for work. Do you think there is a possibility for reconciliation if I wanted? (p.s love your site! reading about breakups really kind of eases the pain for some reason lol)

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      What caused the breakup?

      Just the distance?

    • Rae - 0

      Rae

      Yeah, I guess. The main reason he gave was that he just wasn’t in love with me anymore. You know the cliche, I love and care for you, but I’m not in love you? But if I had to really say a specific reason, I’d say he chose work over the relationship. The company is very flaky and always changing plans, so he was always getting my hopes up and then letting me down about coming to the US. Maybe he felt like I was holding him back, or he didn’t want to face me again about moving back plans because from his messages I now see he’s doing something totally different again. Idk, but I just wondered an expert’s point of view on the goal behind his messages. Maybe he’s just used to having my support? While he can be cocky, its also paired with true insecurity. So I feel like he searches for attention or to prove himself a lot. What do you think?

  14. France - 0

    France

    Hey Chris! I’ve read many of your articles, but I haven’t found something that exactly fits my situation.

    I had a boyfriend for a year and then we both went to college, but we decided to stay together and try a LDR. We stayed as a LDR for about a year, seeing each other about once a month and during summer. Then, he was offered to go into this prestigious program, problem is that he’d move to France for a semester and then he’d have to stay in college during summer to make up for missed classes.
    He broke up with me because he said 8 months is just too long and due to the time differences we would barely be able to even speak. This was three months ago, and we barely even texted during that time.

    However, before breaking up I had asked him if maybe we could meet up sometime as “closure.” We weren’t sure if he would end up going to France due to money issues, but we both agreed breaking up was the best choice if he did. Anyways, we did see each other one day and we ended up making out.

    Is there even a remote chance of us getting back together? Maybe when he comes back? I realize 8 months is a long time and I might change my mind then, but right now I really miss my best friend.. I just wish I could talk to him, but all my friends advice me not to.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Question..

      Are you from France?

      Hahaha..

      There is definitely a chance but a plan has to be in place for you guys to end up together permanently.

  15. E - 0

    E

    I have a question also. I had completed no contact, initiated 1st contact a couple weeks ago (got no response), and left it at that. Yesterday I got an email from my ex saying that he still thinks I’m hot and asked if I would be embarrassed to know that he still fantasizes about me. We never had sex during our relationship. Anyway, I’m trying to play it cool. I just responded that it wouldn’t embarrass me at all, but it surprised me maybe a little. And I admitted that I fantasized about him too. That was it, short and sweet. Honestly, I think about him all the time still (and we stopped talking a couple months ago) so I was happy to get a message from him, even if it was a bit sexual in nature.

    Do you think this means he misses me and might be still interested in pursuing a relationship with me, or is this just a guy who has a strong attraction to me, was feeling a little horny and was trying to start up a sexy conversation to spice up his alone time?

    Background: We had a nice relationship, we were just at the point of talking about love but hadn’t said it to each other. He left me, just started to fade away into no contact after he felt like I didn’t trust him (I’m guessing). I had taken down my online dating profile when he asked me to, he didn’t take his down, and I had calmly told him that it bothered me. He never really said in certain terms what the true problem was nor did he verbally break up with me. He just stopped talking to me. He at one point said he was taking time to think about things. He was super busy with several events (biggest project in his company’s history, buying a new house, and spending more time with his young daughter) and with the time he had available the distance made it hard for him to get together with me (we live 1.25 hrs apart). There was never a fight, never a discussion, never any harsh words said to each other.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      I mean, it was a sexual type of message but it was a step in the right direction I suppose. Men are visual creatures and if he still finds you wildly attractive that never hurts.

  16. M - 0

    M

    hey Chris! really thank you so much for your site! I’ve got him back! got him to ask me out to be his girl because he loves me! these were his words! we’re in a long distance relationship good luck ladies sometimes ex’s are worth fight for! I’ve decided that this time our relation would be different, we solved every small thing that could get us into an argument in the future, he has been even more sweet than before. well Chris has put for us the exact steps to follow but it’s so hard to do, and once I’ve done what he said exactly he started liking me again, not only him I’ve noticed that many guys did maybe I became the ungetable girl again lol. well but I tell you the secret is to move on without moving on, it’s the most important step I guess. I mean don’t let him know you’re romantically into him still, I don’t mean to be rude but I feel it more about being best friends for a while also the no contact works so good but play it by ear, I mean I was real busy I still could message to say but I just disappeared for 3 days he got so worried lol but I felt for the 3rd day he has to know I am good, so I just talked with him a little bit, he was so mad at me it’s true then I’ve even told him I won’t be there for one more week he got more mad but lol believe me it worked so good it made him realize he misses me so much. then after 2 more weeks he finally asked me out! really I hope every woman on this site gets her ex back if he’s worth fighting for, and again thanks Chris without your site I wouldn’t find someone to calm me down nor giving me good advices sorry for the long contact haha but was so excited to share 🙂 🙂

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Thank YOU SO MUCH!!!

      I really needed some good news today.

  17. sera - 0

    sera

    Hi chris,
    I was in ldr for awhile, he broke up with me because I dont know what. I felt too anxaus in this relationship as well to be honest, though I loved him too much.. the distance affect I think. After breakup I was devastated and clingy, he was brutal and rude. I stopped making a fool of myself but I would still reply if he texted or whatsapped. He refused firmly to talk on the phone no matter how much I begged. He tried to engage me into sexual talks, then asked to be FWB. lol :D. Anyway that’s when I firmly applied nc and ignored him totally. And it worked, it made me more in control and ok, I even went out on dates and I liked it, and I worked tones on myself.
    Now he has been trýing to put me on the phone for almost 20 days. Lol. I picked up his calls twice but I kept it very short almost 2 min each. Yesterday I finally replied and stayed on the phone of almost an hour. That’s the first since breakup since 3 months. I kept it casual and avoided any serious talks. He asked why wasn’t I speaking to him or replying to his texts..eetc. I was cool and funny and I was the one to hang up though he wanted to stay more.

    Now chris im afraid I’d get attatched again. He is more than okay to talk the sweet talks on the phone but with no commitment.. and I know he’d go brutal and rude again if I got too attached with no commitment from his side. How to act here?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Could you be more specific for me when you say he’d go brutal and rude if you got too attached?

    • sera - 0

      sera

      That did already happen yesterday! When we were on the phone he asked me to call him the next day.. I said maybe sure, but I wasn’t going to. Then, yo kno, I was bored and ended up calling him.. he said he can’t talk so I said goodnight and hanged up. He used to do that a lot after the breakup, ask me to call and when I do he says he can’t talk.. not being busy but he just don’t want to. He’s a passive aggressive much. I should be like, if u wanna talk to me you can call and I’ll answer, right?
      He seeks to get me attached to be rude towards me chris :(. After breakup when I used to get angry of this behaviour and call multi times, he would snap at me almost in a brutal way.
      Do I go nc now for 3-4 weeks? Or play it cool?

    • sera - 0

      sera

      And after that rude call he texted my name, just my name like that “sera” both on wsp and msg. Chris can’t I just travel to him and slap him on the face? LDR can work like that 😀

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Probably not the best idea to slap him in the face but you did make me laugh!

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Play it cool!

    • sera - 0

      sera

      Hey chris, I did I played it cool. We had that amazing phonecall which was blissful. Next morning he texted that he wants to shower me with kisses. Nothing I know. The next day I got really ill, at night I had a fever and was alone and needed somebody, he said hi on whatsappe so I asked to call, we stayed on the phone for about an hour and a half, the call was a lil dull, not bas ‘blissful’ as the other one, he wanted to stay on the phone everytime I wanted to hang up, we got a lil emotional like “I miss ur smell””I miss touching ur chin”..ect. I was applying nc before this like I told you. This phonecall feeled good but dull.. it was like the old times, the time just before we broke up. at this phonecall things got rushy and this was not wht I want, but I was ill and not feeling right.. I told him I love him, he did too and he wanted me. But yo kno chris, in ldr things are always virtual, alot of talk but no commitment. After we end the call he texted to ask if im gonna be alright, I said yes and “wish you was here”he texted this “Jumping from hate to absloute love? Way to go”. Because of the nc month i did. I texted “yea what about you” He replied immedially “I love u so much”. The next day he didn’t text or call to ask me if I was alright,not even a simple hi, so as the day after.
      I decided to let it go and not contact him unless he contacts me. I kno I rushed through that phonecall but what can I say, I extremely ill and quite alone and needy.
      two days passed since that call, and today my friends texted that they are hitting his town tomorrow for a book affair, it’s quite an event there, and me and him are pretty bookish. So I told him on whatsappe that I’ll be in histomorrows town and asked if he wanna meet. Though he saw the msg he didn’t answer untill after 3 hours. He said he made plans to go with a friend.
      well Chris I’m extremely sad. I kno he has no plans. I told him I’ll be there anyway.
      well chris give me some insight here 🙁 I put myself out there too soon, and my heart hurts like 1st time he broke up with me. Help please.
      im still going with my friends tomorrow, but my heart is a lil broke, and he haven’t said anything.
      I’m afraid it’ll always be like this with him Chris 🙁

    • sera - 0

      sera

      Im kinda waiting for him to say he’s gonna show up tomorrow but I don’t know what im doing here

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Don’t feel bad.

      This isn’t an overnight process.

      I know it hurts now but keep make small progress.

    • sera - 0

      sera

      Thanks for replying fast. But it’s been like that since breakup, I don’t know what to do
      it’s a bad idea to call and ask if he’s gonna meet me tomorrow right?

    • sera - 0

      sera

      I acted clingy and tried to call, no answer, on wtsappe he said he don’t think he’ll be ablt to see me, and I don’t hv to come all the way to see him.. and acted too rude. He was different a day ago! Chris how do I fix this?
      can’t believe he dragged me to this once again.. happened before after breakup.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Yes it is.

    • sera - 0

      sera

      hello chris, I did that trip to his town with my friends, I tried to enjoy, but I texted him multi times while there, he told me to stop embarrassing myself, he won’t see me.
      so that is that, and I came back and applied nc, he sent me hi and stuff on wsp, sometimes called but I never responded. I didn’t get it, if he didn’t want to see me then what does he want?
      after a week of no contact I told him on whatsappe that its over and he should stop sending me hi and call (he wasn’t doing it crazily but still once everyday) thats when he went into explaning with no stopping, maybe for the 1st time since I knew him
      he said he couldn’t see me cuz he was panicked, emotionally and mentally in bad shape, and I put pressure on us by texting him to meet (but what could I do chris I was in his city!) He also said he can’t have an emotional bond with anyone until he figures himself out and what to do in life (we r both 26) he said he would do anything for me but just don’t stop talking to me and don’t distance me, and I worship u and u kno that….
      I totally respected he explaned like that, but u think he was honest?
      I told him to talk to me when he figure things out, because untill then he’ll has only his best interest in mind.
      after a couple of hours he tried to be friendly and asked what I bought from his town while there, which I didn’t respond to. I felt like I need some time. He logged out of whatsappe and haven’t appeared since 3 days till now, which is strange and unusual for him, he’s always on wsp. And I haven’t heard from him since then.
      some insight plz Chris!
      And am I doing okay by not contacting and staying cool?

    • sera - 0

      sera

      What do u think?

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Sorry lost context a bit here.

      Help me out a bit.

    • Les - 0

      Les

      I would advise you that u should stop contact him! He is not making happy at all. It´s not a good relationship if he makes u cry. for your mental hearth u must maintain your distance, not answering him since the person that really loves you would do the best to see u as soon he has the opportunity, not escaping from you. U r suffering enough. Its time think of u.

      Good luck.

  18. charice - 0

    charice

    Hi Chris, thank you for taking time to write these articles. I have been with my ex boyfriend for exactly a year. He is american,29 years old and I am chinese, 26 years old, we live 2000 miles away from one another and catch a plane to visit each other every 2 to 3 weeks. At times even every weekends if our work schedule permits. We skype with each other everyday, never did we have a big fight before either. Even if we have our differences, we talk it out and try to smooth out the differences by accommodating to one another.

    On November 2014, he got a promotion at work. He started getting frustrated when he speak to me. I can see it in his expressions that he didn’t have the mood to skype to me. He knew that he was distancing himself, and he was very apologetic for his actions. But he said he couldn’t help himself as his new work scope have been giving him very little sleep and he is frustrated all the time. He said, he don’t know how to handle it and he feels so messed up inside. I told him I understand, and I try my best not to give him added stress by texting him all day long. When he doesn’t reply me, I left him alone until he is ready to reply my messages.

    This lasted for a month, and I blew up when he turned silent on me for 3 days… I was angry, because he could have just told me that he didn’t have time to talk, and I would have left him be. But he didn’t say a thing and turned silent. That is what upsets me. So in my anger I send a him a text saying that “I’d rather you just have your own space and stop talking to me. Instead of me trying to figure out what is happening with you.I hate the feeling that you are treating me so hot and coldly. I will not text you anymore and give you your space.”

    He replied “There is no good response to it. I am messed up. I’ve been feeling like this for the past few months and I thought I can absorb myself in you. It work initially, but as work keep piling up. I couldn’t sleep, and with little sleep the more frustrated I am. I am sorry I hurt you. You mean the world to me and it upsets me that I hurt you. I wish you live with me so we could work this out together. I can never win back your trust anymore. Let’s break up if you want space between us.”

    After this we didn’t talk for a week, and I ask him to skype with me. He said, our relationship will not work anymore. He have shut me out of his heart, he cannot stand the idea of him hurting me. He said he have cried for days and he decided it is best that we do not see and talk to each other anymore. He started blaming himself, blaming my family saying that he feel out of place because he is not of the same culture as I am. Because of the breakup he decided to take a position in his career where he will be moving even further away from me. About 2500 miles away. He says its too far for me.

    I am actually quitting my job to move to be with him this coming May. But now he have drop this bomb on me? We are in no contact for 3 weeks now, still friends on facebook but he have put me as an acquaintance so I can only see certain posts in his profile. 5 days ago, he had block me on his mobile phone. He did say he wants to remain friends with me and will contact me again at the end of January.

    On my part, I know he loves me and I know we can make this work if he stop making decisions for me and allows me to work this out with him. But another tiny part of me is wondering whether he had stop loving me and just making excuses so that he can break up with me without hurting me too deeply. Do I fight for the man I love, or do I move on if he doesn’t contact me in the next 2 months?

    Thank you.

    Reply
    • charice - 0

      charice

      Hi Chris, recently I have been seeing him with pictures of him and another girl on facebook. I know him, so I do know how his courtship is like. The way he holds his conversation with her, and how close they are holding each other in pictures. That’s how he behaved when he first courted me. I don’t know what to do. Maybe that’s the reason why he broke off with me and is just using moving to another country for work as an excuse. Maybe he isn’t moving to another country at all, and just lying to me.

      I feel so lost.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Another girl huh, that really hurts.

      How long did you date him for total?

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Long distance can be tough.

      I say you fight for him but why wouldn’t he contact you in the next two months?

      NC is only supposed to last for a month.

  19. Anonymous - 0

    Anonymous

    Hey Chris ,

    PLEASE HELP ME OUT !! 🙁

    I had been in a LDR for 1 year and 4 months but my bf broke up with me 2 days ago because he said he couldn’t tolerate the distance he also told me that he didn’t want our relationship to be visual , he wanted it in real life ( and do things like normal couples would do ) because being in a relationship and not being able to see your partner is like living in an illusion for him. For the past 6 months we would always fight because of that distance ( It’s worthy to mention that we are 111 miles away ) Yet , We’ve never met before and our way of communicating depended only on texts and phone calls ( no video calling )He wanted to see me at least once every month but I couldn’t do this because I have over-protective parents who NEVER let me hang out with anyone ( even though I am 18 ) I always stay at home and never go anywehre else but school. They didn’t also know about him so meeting him without their knowledge was really stressful for me. I tried everything but every time we tried to plan for our first meeting , things become messed up later ( I gotta admit , usually because of my conditions that my bf tried to tolerate but couldn’t) To meet him once every month is a thing that I won’t be able to do before at least 2 years from now but he said that he couldn’t take this situation anymore 🙁
    and what made things worse , is that he’s always busy with his studies because at university they got ENDLESS exams so we’d RARELY text if we have time … He has a very stressful time at his college so he felt that everything is just getting nothing but worse and worse.
    We were supposed to meet 1 week from now but he told me that meeting just once a year is never enough and that it is not the same as getting to see me daily.

    we both love each other so much. I know he still loves me and cares about me even when he broke up with me he said ( I thought I’d be the first man to keep his word but I let you down … what a shame !! I’ve said this before and I am repeating this again , anyone who does what I’ve done doesn’t deserve to stay alive ) and when I asked him why done what? , he told me ( I’ve hurt the most girl I’ve ever and still love.I don’t even deserve a girl like you but I want to you to know that if are ever meant to be together , I swear I’ll be the happiest man on Earth ) I hate the fate that made us meet like that. He wants us now to be friends but to be honest I DON’T. So how can I get him back ? Does the NC rule apply to this too ? If so , how can I do it in my ldr and what excuse I can make ? We talked today ( as friends ) for about ( 5-10 mins ) but everything sounded so fake. None of us can treat the other as a friend but we’re forced to. Besides , the thought of him being with another girl kills me !
    I know I have been so talkative and I am really sorry but I need your help !! How to get that fixed 🙁

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Well, you two are at an awkward stage right now where you are post breakup and its just weird. YOu really haven’t done anything to rebuild the relationship yet.
      NC does apply here.

  20. Ella - 0

    Ella

    This is more grass is greener but it wouldnt let me post there…Hi, me and my boyfriend were highschool sweet hearts and dated for 6 years until he sudden
    He broke up with me while I’m on an internship for 5 months overseas. He literally told me it was the grass is greener on the other side situation and couldn’t see himself marrying me. I’m currently 5 days into NC and was wondering should I contact him after 30 days because I’ll still be overseas and won’t be back until a month after 30 days of NC. How should I go about this?

    Reply
  21. Haley - 0

    Haley

    Hi Chris so I am in serious need of some help, I feel like I can’t make a right decision with my situation.
    Here’s my situation in the shortest version possible.
    We dated for 2 and a half years.
    Have now been broken up for 5 months.
    He lives in Oregon and I live in Washington and we did the long distance for over a year.
    We broke up because the distance got hard but we both still loved each other. I broke up with him and for the first couple months we were broken up I did see other people and he didn’t. He is still not very happy with this. Still we have continued to talk the entire time.
    Finally, when I wanted to get back together he did not because he felt that he needed to do his own thing. Now he still says he loves me and still comes to visit me.
    I did the 30 day no contact rule because he said he was going on dates. He constantly tried to get ahold of me the last week of it. Sent many texts and called many times. We have talked a lot since then and 2 weeks ago he came in town to visit. I wanted to be the ungettable girl by not kissing him or showing any kind of girlfriend-like affection but he didn’t like that. He said he missed me so much and wanted to sleep over and act like we used to when we were together. When we got into an argument one day he did bring up another girl at his work who has liked him for some time. Apparently she is VERY interested in being extremely affectionate with him (if you know what I mean). He says that she is not his type in any way and wouldn’t ever want to pursue a relationship with her. He said that he has hung out with her quite a few times (I’m sure kissed her as well but didn’t ask) but that he has not slept with her because he knows it would mean me never wanting to see him again. He went on to say that if we are going to argue though then maybe he should just do his own thing and be young and have fun with her just for the hell of it. However, later it seemed as if he was only saying that to provoke me. I believe this because later I asked him if he finds a girl he is going to be interested in to let me know right away. He went on to say that I am the girl he is interested in and he is not doing things with other girls.
    I still feel as if I may be doing the wrong thing. My problem is that I dont know how to be the ungettable girl when we are living in different states. He is only here for short periods of time so if I reject him when he is here then yes he may want to chase me even more but by the time he’s done pouting about it he’s going to be back in Oregon. It’s hard to use this method when I don’t have very much time with him.
    I really have no idea whats going through his mind right now and how I should act when I am with him. Any advice would be extremely helpful!!!!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Hmm… Well, usually youd have to set up a date but the problem is that you are long distance so I think you should get back on romantic terms with him first and then try to visit each other eventually.

    • Haley - 0

      Haley

      So it’s okay to be romantic with him then? In your book it said that doing a friends with benefits situation is not a good idea. I guess we aren’t exactly doing friends with benefits but instead as he puts it we are acting as boyfriend and girlfriend but without actually having the titles. Do you think this means that he does see us getting back together eventually but just not at this moment in time?

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Oh by no means am I saying FWB is a good idea. Call me old fashioned but I think that you should wait for a guy to commit before you giv ehim the goods.

      I think any time a guy makes an excuse it is lame. If megan fox wanted to date him do you think he’d think twice or make an excuse? Use that logic.

    • Haley - 0

      Haley

      Well I didn’t mean sex. I have told him that’s not happening but we still do other things. So is that still okay?

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Nope, make him work for it.

    • Haley - 0

      Haley

      Make him work for it how? Won’t he just go elsewhere if I’m not being affectionate with him?

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Hahaha… let me teach you a fun little trick about men.

      We do best when we get affection and then its suddenly taken away from us and then it comes back and then its taken away.

    • Haley - 0

      Haley

      Okay so he’s in town a lot over the next month and we are making a lot of plans. He told me he’s not seeing anyone else and he still loves me very much but he’s still hurt that I dated someone else for a little while right after we broke up. Once he leaves town again should I be contacting him. Or should I always let him contact me first? Should I do another NC period?

    • Haley - 0

      Haley

      How exactly do I make him work for it? Also what if I told him that I understand if he’s not ready to commit to a relationship right now but I will only do that stuff if we are both monogamous.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Don’t say that understanding line. It makes you look weak.

  22. Leslie - 0

    Leslie

    Chris,
    Hey Chris! I talked to you awhile back and still read you book when I can! You said my relationship is worth fighting for and that the only thing hurting our relationship is distance. Well I ended up moving to. For a paid intern and will be with my family for awhile. I will get a paid internship and graduate with a masters 2016. I would be willing to move but it will be awhile and I could be with him in the summer. We recently texted. He told me he missed me and missed where we used to live but we both said we are happily being with family. He then said he was happy for me, that he wanted to see how I was and that he would keep in better touch. He knows I would move. Do you think he is interested and that I have a chance? I am not quite sure what my next step should be. Thanks for the help!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Hi Leslie!

      I think he would if the attraction and connection was strong enough.

    • Leslie - 0

      Leslie

      Ok so what should me next step be then? Do you think I have a chance even though I wouldn’t be able to move until 2016? Your advice in this page was helpful on how to make it work. I have three months off in the summer to where I can be with him.
      Thanks
      Aislynn

  23. Diana - 0

    Diana

    Will NC serve as a benefit when trying to get ex boyfriend back if he is now living in another country, but will visit every now and then?

    Reply
  24. Kosy - 0

    Kosy

    Hi Chris,so my boyfriend and I broke up a month ago after he hacked into my achives and found out there was another guy I was seeing.weve been in long distance for a yr and every year I spemd my summer with him.this is my last year of school so I will move entirely back to where he is.after he found out he begged me to choose between them and I chose him.after I moved back to school.things became hard for him because he said he didn’t trust me again.i pleaded and we worked things out.we came back and he broke up again and for the 3rd broke up again.i understand it was hard for him considering the guy I cheated on him with was in my school.i applied the no contact for a weak and I felt prey to contact him.he was still in pain and said he had moved on and he is hurt and he is Alwaz looking over his shoulder and wants to be free of that.later he said he wants to be alone to clear his head.i love him and I want to work on getting him back.m afraid if I don’t talk to him,he might totally move on although he admitted he still loves me but not inlove with me anymore.do I still apply the no contact list nd this time go through with.m confused and are there chances of us getting back,together.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      If you talk to him you may come off as needy though….

      You cheated so he is probably very scared about getting back with you. You are going to have to find a way to guarantee that it will never happen again.

    • Kosy - 0

      Kosy

      I did.cut the other guy completely and was there more with him chatting everyday till late but his mind still didn’t rest.he says he will be wondering wat m doing when I say good nite and he can’t trsut me.

    • Kosy - 0

      Kosy

      He is talking to me now a lot nd chatting but still insist he can’t be in a long distance relationship with me.yet he calls and sounds like we cool,then later he reminds himself of what happened and pulls back.today he said we trying to work things after saying he likes where we r which is talking nd video chatting.cant still tell if he is in or out or coming around

  25. Taryn - 0

    Taryn

    Thank you Chris so much for caring and for your support. Your website has truly helped me, and still can. I’ve learned so much and will keep using the tips and advice.

    And now I wait patiently, for Ryan to come up with the time and money to see me. Till then, I will do my best to make the long distance work. We are now only separated by 1 hour.

    Ryan told me over the phone that he has 2 more years of school left. And that he is planning on transferring schools either next semester or the semester after that. He’ll be transferring to a school here in Buffalo. There’s no doubt in my mind that He been making a lot of his choices based on me. I mean, I could be wrong lol. But he moved home to Rochester. And now he’s saying he will move to Buffalo where I am? Haha, subconsciously he could be thinking ahead, with me in mind. The man wants a baby with me and said he loves me. So it’s possible.

    But yes, thank you Chris! I will keep you updated. Ryan and I still have a ways to go. Gotta make him want to make his official girlfriend.

    Ttyl!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Good work Taryn!

      Getting a man to move out to you is a HUGE deal!!!!

  26. A - 0

    A

    Hey Chris! I’ve been an avid reader for months and you’ve helped me out by personally responding to my questions, and I really truly appreciate it, and admire you for it.

    I actually have a question for a friend today. She was dating a guy long distance for 2.5 weeks and they really hit it off, and she felt like they really had a connection. The problem is that she has a fear of abandonment, and when he went from sending her daily texts to not texting her for several days, she panicked, and she wrote him this long message saying she thought he was great but couldn’t handle the stress of not knowing what was going on and waiting to see him. The crazy thing is that she very dramatically said goodbye to him, and that she could never stand to hear from him again, and he was completely cool about it. He kind of ignored her craziness and just said, “No worries, I understand. I’m still going to be your friend. I’ll talk to you after work.”

    She and I share the same brand of crazy, and I immediately recognized that she really liked him, but as someone who is used to abandonment from early she assumed that meant he was going to leave her, so in order to feel in control and make it hurt less she pushed him away before she could. So, my question is, since he was kind of cool about it, and she’s come to her senses, is there something she could say to him to be like, “Haha, false alarm?” Like would it make her seem more cray to be like, “Honestly, I like you, and I got scared, so in a moment of panic I tried to push you away?” Or is that just a total red flag and turn off?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Did they ever see each other in person?

    • A - 0

      A

      Yes, I think they’ve seen each other a couple of times. She just got back from visiting him.

    • A - 0

      A

      Okay, I know it probably seems like I’m the, “friend,” but I swear I’m not. I’m dealing with my own ex boyfriends’ (yes, that’s plural) issues that I think are beyond help… Also, that makes me sound like a whore with a lot of drama, but I’m 30, and I’ve only ever had 2 boyfriends in my life, and they both happened to have called me tonight (at which point I uncovered an ELABORATE, hilarious plot by one of them to seduce me. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the show Lost, but this was a long con type of operation)… Okay, I’m getting totally off track. The point is my question really is for my friend:

      ANYWAY, he actually wrote her back, and it was this incredibly long and thoughtful message about how he respected her, and how he wasn’t making excuses for not contacting her he just wanted to take things slow because it’s long distance, etc., and he said he respected her decision, but wanted to stay in touch, and to let him know if she ever needed anything. So, I’m like, “This guy is great! You cannot let him go!” I told her if she still was interested she should just be honest and say she got scared, and see if he wanted to take things slooow, and just see where it went without putting too much pressure on it to be serious right away.

      Do you think that sounds like a good thing for her to say to him? Clearly, my relationship skills are sub par. I don’t want lead her astray.

  27. island girl - 0

    island girl

    Hi Chris. I love your blog. I don’t want my ex-boyfriend recovered. However, I would like if you could explain why he deleted me off Skype, snapchat, whatsapp, and league of legends? (I don’t have Facebook)
    I was a “texting gnat” on the day of the breakup and only that day. Because we broke up over whatsapp and Skype, and I needed closure. But I never bothered him after that day.

    We are both 17 and had been together for 3 months. The farthest we have gone intimately is making out, as I told him my beliefs. He said he didn’t agree with them, but he liked me too much and was going to show me how strong he would be by waiting until marriage for sex too. I had brought up breaking up about 4 times in the past because during the week when we did not see each other, he would not initiate conversations online or put any effort in to them once we did. I tried to contact him every 2-3 days, rather than daily. In the beginning of our relationship he would text me daily. We saw each other only once a week, or once every two weeks, so I was not “clingy” or “needy”. However, I told him that I wanted him to try to talk to me more during the week. And sometimes he would simply not reply to my messages. It felt like we were having a weekend relationship, only. But the days we were together were like a Nicholas Sparks movie. He would stare in to my eyes a lot and give me piggyback rides. He is a private person with few friends and he doesn’t go out to parties much. I liked him because he was a gentleman. But when he stopped talking to me when we weren’t together it made me feel neglected. So on the 3rd time I approached him about breaking up, I was crying because I was frustrated with the whole situation. He was surprised that I was crying over him, and took it as a sign that I cared too much. I think my crying scared him. But anyway, after that Skype session about breaking up, I told him lets try to make it work one more time. So we both agreed we would. I went to his house a few days and we had an amazing date in which he kissed me passionately, gave me chocolate and told me “I would have missed this.” Three days later he was acting distant in whatsapp, not replying to my texts. So I said, “are we still together or not?” And that’s when he initiated his break up speech. His reason was that he felt he wasn’t the right guy for me. And that he wasn’t making me happy. He said I probably cared too much for him, more than he cared for me. This is false because earlier in the relationship he was talking about marriage and the future and how much he liked me. He also said he thinks we were missing “him wanting to grab my attention at all times.” And that he could never recall talking to anyone who felt they had to “force” him into conversation. So we broke up. I did a bit of begging and lamenting during the break up. He said if i ever needed him and wanted to talk he would be there. I told him I didn’t want to talk at all. But that it might change in the future. After that, I sent him a long message telling him i respect his decision and that we had a great relationship while it lasted, and i wished him a good future. he replied “okay thank you.”

    He had deleted me from Skype yesterday, which was two weeks after the breakup, when he saw me online. He also deleted me from snapchat and whatsapp and league of legends. I am wondering why the animosity? Why is he acting like our relationship was so bitter? Does he hate me?

    Reply
    • island girl - 0

      island girl

      Another thing. On the Skype almost-break up he told me that I was settling by staying with him even though my need of conversation wasn’t being met. He said that I have the looks, attitude, and brains to get better than him. And that if I ended up happy with someone else and he ended up alone for the rest of his life, the breakup would have been worth it.

      That’s sweet and all, but why would he treat me so cruelly after the breakup by deleting me off of everything? Even during the breakup day, I know he was busy with homework, but he didn’t want to talk much and he was very blunt and robotic over Skype.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Perhaps the article on him blocking you could be helpful to you.

  28. anonymous - 0

    anonymous

    I put NC into effect after my long distance bf told me he wasn’t sure I was the one and broke up with me. Before this we had been talking about me moving to be with him (across the country), together 2+ yrs
    It has been almost 18 days and he is home visiting his family. he asked me to dinner next week (well in advance). I have not responded yet but because of the distance our chances to see each other are limited. I am not sure how I feel about dinner.
    any thoughts?

    Reply
  29. M. - 0

    M.

    Hi 🙂
    What does it mean when your ex is ignoring you? Does it mean he’s totally over you? He’s rude? 😉 Afraid?
    My ex is doing this, so I’m curious.
    I’m sure he’s going to ignore everything I text him…

    Reply
  30. Taryn - 0

    Taryn

    Nice!

    I like this article!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      I hoped you would Taryn! I was thinking that this would be helpful for you especially.

    • Taryn - 0

      Taryn

      Thank you! It does help. And things are getting even better. Today I tried your advice from the article about calling them on the phone. So I sent Ryan a very short video text to say hi. He loved it. He’s been so sweet to me. For me, I have learned that since Ryan is a straight forward man, I have to be straight forward back. That doesn’t always work for everyone. But it works for him and I so well. I am very happy.

      I called him Saturday, but he was unavailable to talk at the time. So he apologized to me and said that he needs to be more active in my life. We have been talking almost every day.

      The purpose of my phone call is to talk to him about seeing each other soon. He’s actually moving back to Rochester (from California) very soon. Originally he was going to wait until he graduated from school. But he’s moving back now. So he will only be 1 hour away from me in Buffalo :]

      That’s much better than being 3000 miles apart and 3 hours ahead of him. So I will definitely see him more often.

      He’s been making a lot of efforts lately. Trying to be present more. And apologize for not being there. He has changed a lot. I didn’t change him. I never would. But he has changed. For the better.

      Last week when we talked he told me that he wouldn’t be a better person without me. And that I am truly amazing. That was nice to hear. The way he is feeling is the way I want him to feel when we see each other.

      I am happy and thankful. This isn’t my happy ending. It is just the beginning.

      When we see each other, then we can move forward even more. Slowly still. I’ll let you know what happens. My goal is for him to ask me to be his girlfriend, and keep building from there. And work together on things. And agree on things. And further down the line, get married. Pretty far of a thought, but I’d be wasting my time if I didn’t want that.

      :]

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      I think things are really going in the right direction.

      I really do!

    • Taryn - 0

      Taryn

      Thank you :]

      Last night he and I were texting and he told me that he loves me! Omg! It’s the first time he’s ever admitted that and said that to me. Wow!

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Well what do you know..

      How did the text go exactly?

    • Taryn - 0

      Taryn

      It went very well actually. We talked for a bit. We said we missed each other. He said I love you. Twice. And we said Goodnight.

      I could tell that he does. I already knew. I just wanted him to admit it. I hoped and prayed that he would. And all on his own he did. But love is an action word. So I will let him show me, with his actions, that he really does.

      He and I will be just fine. I have faith in God and always have. So many answered prayers. He’s been very busy with school and work. But still makes time for me. We will be meeting up very soon.

      And that’s that

      :]

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Thats Great Taryn!

      Any new updates?

    • Taryn - 0

      Taryn

      Since then Ryan and I have been talking almost every day :]

      He moved back home to Rochester now, so he’s only an hour away from me. We were going to see each other this weekend, but he got busy with family. But we’ll see each other soon!!

      Last week I reminded him of the first time we kissed. And he loved it. He has asked if he could sleep over, but I said no lol. And he took it well.

      My goal is that he will ask me to be his girlfriend before the year is up. And then fiancé. Then wife lol. I’d be wasting my time if I didn’t want those things in the near future :] But he and I will have to talk about these things in person.

      I am very happy :]

    • Taryn - 0

      Taryn

      My plan is to take a break from talking to him for a week. To pull back for a bit. We’ve been talking almost every day this week. Gotta make him prove that love of his for me :]

      He has moved back to Rochester now. So we’re only an hour apart. So it’ll make this whole thing easier. But I am going to pull back a little.

    • Taryn - 0

      Taryn

      Actually, I won’t do that :] I believe things are going so well. I’ll play it all by ear :]

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Keep me updated.

    • Taryn - 0

      Taryn

      Okay, I will Chris :]

    • Taryn - 0

      Taryn

      Ryan called me yesterday :]]]]]]

      I missed his call, but either way he called! And that’s a big deal for us because he hates talking on the phone. I’m excited!

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Congrats!!!

      Did you call him back?

    • Taryn - 0

      Taryn

      I called him yesterday on break at work. We started the day by texting. And then I called him. He was talking up a storm lol. He did most of the talking. Told me what he’s been up to. Talked about work and school. He even talked about marriage and kids. And how he wants those things after he graduates. He was talking about how he would have new responsibilities to his wife, and as a father. He talked about how he won’t have student loans because he gets paid to go to school by the military.

      He talked and talked lol. Then he got to work, and I was like, “oh. Do you have to go?” Lol he said no. And wanted to keep talking. He said that he can talk on his phone at work. But then we had to go. He texted me later after he got out of work :]

      On the phone we talked about seeing each other. He said that he wants to save up money and see me soon :]

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Well, Taryn!

      Of all the people on this site you deserve something good to happen to you. You have been doing great!!!!!

  31. Girl - 0

    Girl

    My ex Boyf broke up with me about 5 weeks ago. We had been together 1 1/2 years. We had long distance relationship. About 8 months into it we broke up as we had hardships. He kept texting me and I then drove down after about 5 weeks to talk things through. I found out he had been seeing his ex. He told me in front of her he wanted me and called the police on her because she tried to kill me and smashed up the house. He then moved out because she kept turning up. I got down and not myself a few months after. He booked a holiday for me to cheer me up for two weeks. He then broke up with me two weeks after he booked it. Three weeks later he is currently on holiday with her. She’s actually mental and just turns up and is there always. I’m so hurt and humiliated. He’s been texting me saying he loves me and misses me and wishes things were different. Yet failed to tell me he took her on my holiday. I’ve even asked him to delete my number and he refused sometimes texting me 12 times before I responded. He blocked me on Instagram so I didn’t see the pic of her on hol but my friend saw and told me. What is wrong with people. I’m sat at home distraught and they are having the time of their lives. How is this fair ? Do people regret treating people like this or have karma? I’m so hurt. I’ve been faithful and loyal unlike her who stripped behind his back, does drugs and causes scenes. She’s even cheated on him. She loves she’s there but why doesn’t she have self respect and he’s absolutely vile. I want to know that I won’t always feel like this and that he will regret his behaviour to me. I have blocked him off everything now. I would never ever go back as I am humiliated and trust is broken. But he refused to leave me alone and until I blocked him I would hear from him every couple of days crying about breaking up with me. He said if it wasn’t long distance it would be different. Please help just for my closure.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Ok, well someone who goes back to someone who strips, does drugs and causes scenes isn’t someone you probably want to be involved with in the long run.

  32. Kahlan - 0

    Kahlan

    Chris, as a guy, I hope you can answer our questions about how the male minds work on this one:

    Why do boys, and exes in particular, warmly wish you happy birthday, happy new year and merry christmas every year, like your statuses and photos, etc but when it comes to real communication, they do not initiate conversation, or sound cold when we girls do finally reach out?

    I told an ex that I am going to his city for work for a few days, he was super cold. Whereas normally, he would always say things like “I hope I can see you again” ?!?!?!?!

    This hot and cold is driving me mad!

    Reply
    • Kahlan - 0

      Kahlan

      Gosh I just realized the previous comment is somewhat related to the question. Why are exes hot and cold and passive aggressive?

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      I think passive agressive depends on the person and their inability to just be up front and honest about tricky situations.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      B/c its socially acceptable to.

  33. Anonymous - 0

    Anonymous

    I wasn’t sure which article to comment on for my question, so I guess I wanted to comment on this one since it’s the most recent and least amount of comments.

    So I haven’t spoken to my ex in about half a year. A mutual friend of ours got into an accident and her sister messaged me telling me about it (I am really good friends with this girl, so I have actually met her sister a couple of times and hung out). She asked me to tell the rest of our friends since she felt like she was invading her privacy by going through her phone and messaging her friends while she was in the hospital, so I agreed. I messaged everyone about it through a group message and my ex immediately texted me individually asking me questions about it and asking if he’s okay. I responded to his questions and then later he started saying really nice things about me. I was confused and a bit shocked that he picked that opportunity to say things like that when it wasn’t the best time to do so, so I asked him a bit rudely to stop saying those kind of things since it’s the wrong time to do so.

    I felt confident in my decision to say that, but I definitely regretted being meaner than I should have been. A week later, I decided to make plans to visit our friend at the hospital, (who lives in a different state now), I felt that I should try and make things right with him by offering to take whatever presents he had for her with me (he wanted to send flowers and a card to her). He was so appreciative of my gesture and wanted to meet up to give me her stuff, but then a couple of days later, backed out and decided to mail them instead.

    I am a bit confused and hurt. I was being really genuine and I really wanted to make things right since I am tired of this weird awkwardness and avoiding certain opportunities to hang out with mutual friends in fear of running into him.

    Although I don’t want him back, we did end on a bad note, and I just want to make things right. I feel like in serious situations like this, I would like to be able to put our differences aside and just have each others’ backs (not in the sense of talking all the time as best friends, but at least being able to do each other a solid every now and then).

    Do you know potential reasons for this change of heart?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      The change or heart on mailing the presents instead?

    • Anonymous - 0

      Anonymous

      Yes, exactly what I am asking. It felt a bit cold. He wasn’t appreciative of the gesture anymore, it was more of a “nah, nevermind”. I am not sure how to describe it, but the mood shifted a bit.

    • Anonymous - 0

      Anonymous

      Hi! Have you figured out the answer to my question yet?

  34. Namy - 0

    Namy

    Thank so much for the writing, Chris!
    I found it’s exactly what we had in our LDR. We thought each othe were “the one”. We were so happy, untill the problems came. We broke up half of year ago, bcause jealousy from both. Now I see that both of us are jealous too much, it hurts so badly. We have tried no contact rule many times, but then it didn’t work because he didn’t belive that I didn’t cheat him, and I can’t accept his relationship with a flirty girl.
    We hurt each other so much, so bad, so terrible, that 1 month of no contact rule can’t be enough any more.
    Should I just leave him alone some months? Should I explane to him once again before I leave? (I explained many times but he doesn’t belive and doesn’t want to forgive. He came back to me but then brought the story up again and again).
    Do you think we still have a chance?

    Reply
  35. sarah - 0

    sarah

    I’m in a LDR right now and we live 8 hours driving away from each other. he just told me last night he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. he hasn’t been replying to my messages and I am devastated. I’m doing my internship for my senior year of college, so I can’t just pick up and go see him. What should I do? I don’t want to necessarily bombard him with texts but at this point I just don’t know what to do.

    Reply
    • sarah - 0

      sarah

      he still won’t talk to me. we have been together 4 years.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      Just give it time. This process doesn’t happen overnight.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      admin

      NC seems smart at this point and then slowly rebuild things with texts which lead to phone calls which lead to a face to face meeting.

  36. him - 0

    him

    Hey Chris!
    Really quick question,
    So my ex favorited a tweet yesterday and it said
    ” I don’t even sweat it no more. Just know if someone really wants to talk to you. They’ll make an effort. No one is busy 24/7. Bull****”
    Is this a tweet referring me? We haven’t spoken in 9 months and I’m almost sure he has feeling for someone else
    Thanks for your help.

    Reply

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