“Do exes always come back?”

It’s one of the most popular questions that I get from readers.

So, what I’ve decided to do is to actually answer that question in this article right, here right now.

At least that’s how it started out but the more I thought about it, the more I thought it would also be interesting to answer what has to be present in the equation for an ex to want to come back to you.

Now, that may sound odd to you but bear with me here.

Making An Ex Want To Come Back Is A Lot Like Solving A Math Problem

The way I look at it is getting an ex back is that it’s kind of like trying to figure out a difficult math problem.

There are certain elements that need to be present and if you don’t have enough of those elements you’ll fail.

Math is pretty cut and dry that way.

For example, 2+ 2= 4

There’s no other number you can plug into that equation to make it true.

That’s just the way it is and that’s the way it will always be.

The same principles apply here with exes.

(Obviously this is not a guaranteed science but I want you to understand the essence of what I am getting at here with this analogy.)

Do Exes Always Come Back To You?

First let’s answer this simple question,

Do exes always come back to you?

No they don’t.

Exes don’t always come back to you but don’t let that frighten you.

There’s a lot that goes into making an ex want to come back to you. Let’s tackle that first.

The first thing I talk about with a lot of my coaching clients is the fact that there are actually three distinct points of time that are important to understand when an ex begins making a decision to come back to you.

The three points of time are pretty straightforward,

  1. What Happened Before The Breakup?
  2. What Happened During The Breakup?
  3. What You Do With The Time After The Breakup

Let’s take a moment to look over each one of these period of times so that you have a better handle over them.

What Happened Before The Breakup?

When I talk about “before the breakup” I’m really trying to understand what your relationship with your ex was like. The way I explain it to my coaching clients is that there’s always kind of a catalyst for when things go downhill.

Something happens where you’ll notice a change in your ex’s behavior and things just go downhill from there.

What is that catalyst?

When did it occur?

I’ll give you an example.

Catalyst Theory

Let’s assume that you’re in a relationship for six months and the first four months of the relationship are great.

Then something happens and the last two months of the relationship are awful.

In this particular case, when your ex thinks back on this particular relationship they’re going to probably think more about the good times than the bad times.

Why?

Because they have four months of good behavior/memories to draw upon and only two months of bad behavior to draw upon.

Now, let’s use another example.

Let’s say that you dated your ex for a year (12 months.)

The first two months were incredible, exhilarating, exciting and intense

But the next 10 months were not.

They were awful.

They were everything that’s wrong with the relationship.

When this particular ex looks back on that experience they’re probably not going to remember very fondly.

Why?

Because there’s 10 months worth of data right there that is bad.

That is really hard to overcome.

Ideally you’re looking for a good split where most of your time together was positive and not a lot of your time together was negative.

What Happened During The Breakup?

There’s not a lot to unpack here with “during the break up” as a time period.

Why?

I’ve been on record saying that 95 percent of the time I find that exes will lie to you about the real reason they want to breakup with you.

  1. I don’t love you anymore.
  2. I’m just not ready for a relationship.

Are two of the most common reasons for why they’ll break up with you and I’ve also found interestingly enough in success stories that it’s total BS.

You’ve heard that phrase,

When emotions run high, logic runs low.

That’s certainly the case of during an actual breakup so I don’t I don’t put a lot of credence into this time period.

However, I have found that it can impact people negatively.

I’ll give you an example, let’s say that you and your ex are in a relationship and you go through a horrific breakup.

I mean this thing is really bad, lamps are being thrown, you are yelling at each other, police get called on the two of you because you’re being so loud .

What do you think your ex is going to remember when they think back on your time together?

Probably this awful breakup.

What You Do After The Breakup

The third and probably most important time period to focus on is actually what you do after the breakup.

Contrary to what most “experts” out there will tell you it is possible to completely screw your chances up by not doing what you’re supposed to do after the breakup.

For more information on what you are supposed to be doing go here.

There’s a client that I’ve been dealing with recently that should have had their ex back. In fact my wife and I have worked with this person a lot.

This person literally has everything going for them except they don’t have the discipline or the mentality that it takes to get their ex back at this point of time.

  • We tell them to do something, they agree and then don’t execute.
  • They obsess about their ex in all the wrong ways.
  • It’s uncanny how they keep shooting themselves in the foot time and time again.

This is a classic case of not using the time after the breakup very wisely.

I’d make the argument that this is probably the most important time period to focus on because you have some measure of control over it if you really think about it.

Unless you have a time machine, you have no control over the past.

You can’t go back and change what happened during your relationship.

You can’t go back and change how you acted during the breakup itself either but you can change how you act after the breakup which is why I tell my clients to focus most of their energy on this.

Now, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that these three time period that we covered are the essential thing to grasp to understand if you want to know if your ex will come back to you. I’ve actually found three additional factors that you need to keep an eye on.

The Miscellaneous Factors

The first thing I want to say is don’t worry if you’re a little intimidated by the look of this list because I don’t expect you to know it until after this article is over

Overall, there are three additional miscellaneous findings that my team and I have happened upon that definitely play a role into making an ex want to come back,

  1. Moving On Without Moving On
  2. Positioning And Timing
  3. The Importance Of The Internal Conversation

Like before, I’d like to take a few minutes to go over these factors with you.

Moving On Without Moving On

I’ve noticed through a lot of work with clients and also on our Private Facebook Support Group that it’s uncanny how often people will try to get their exes back, fail miserably then give up only to have the ex suddenly come back into the picture.

I’ve thought a lot about why this happens and I think after years of studying this phenomenon and trying to understand it I’ve come to my conclusion.

I believe it revolves around a number of factors.

The first is that a lot of this process of trying to make an ex want to come back uses a strategy where we play hard to get.

We’re going to talk a little bit about positioning and timing in a few minutes so this will come up more directly there but part of the positioning piece is playing hard to get.

The problem is that my clients want their exes back more than anything which makes “playing hard to get” for them extremely difficult.

Whether they believe it or not they exude that longing for their ex in a type of aura.

When the ex picks up on this they think,

“I can get this person back whenever I want”

And that’s not appealing to them.

I was explaining this concept to a client the other day where I talked about the fact that men and women tend to get bored of things that are too easy.

Now, what do I mean by that?

Consider for a moment that you see a movie for the first time and it’s a really good movie, maybe one of the best you’ve ever seen.

You see it again a day later and it’s still awesome, it’s still great and you still like it but it’s not the same as the very first time you saw it.

Then you see it’s 17 more times.

Well, by that 17th time that you see it, it’s boring to you.

You’ve seen it too much, you know what’s going to happen, you’ve got all of the words memorized.

The same thing kind of applies here when you’re trying to get your ex back.

Your ex needs to think that they aren’t going to get you. They need to think that something new is going to occur because if you’re talking to your ex there’s a sense of,

Oh I’ve got her or Oh I’ve got him.

You need to find a way to remove that and the only way to do that is moving on without moving on.

Let’s move on to the next thing.

Positioning And Timing

So what do I mean by positioning and timing?

Well, in my opinion one of the things that needs be present in the equation for an ex to want to come back into the picture is that you need to first be positioned properly and the timing needs to be right.

These two things are essential elements that need to be present.

Let’s talk a little bit about them and what I mean by positioning.

The fact of the matter is that I think you cannot talk about positioning without timing and timing without positioning.

Pretend that you are trying to get your ex back for six months and finally the time is right.

The stars have aligned your ex is ready and open to wanting someone back in their life but they only view you as a friend.

That is a scenario where the timing is right but the positioning isn’t right.

Then you have the scenario where maybe you’ve positioned yourself brilliantly but things are happening a little too quickly and you can’t get your ex to commit.

The funny part about this concept is that if you look at my website it’s actually a study of these two elements.

Every article I’ve ever written, every book I’ve written is all focused on one of these two elements or both of these elements.

I’ll give you an example, The Texting Bible is a book I wrote to teach people how to text their exes after a breakup which is a fancy way of saying it focuses on positioning. However, while writing it I also noticed that there needed to be some talk about timing.

How is timing involved in texting?

Well, when you text is almost as important as what you text.

Think about that.

Understanding The Importance Of The Internal Conversation Happening In Your Exes Mind

A lot of people don’t realize this but all of the decisions your ex makes with regards to you happen after your interactions.

Think about the actual act of how an ex is going to take you back.

They’re not going to sit there and make their decision impulsively.

Some of them do.

But what you find is sometimes when an ex will make an impulsive decision to get back together with you they’ll end up backing out a few days later.

Why?

Why does this happen?

Well, it happens because they’ve literally talked themselves out of committing and that all happens via an internal conversation in their head when they’re alone.

The beautiful part about the internal conversation happening in your ex’s head is that it harkens back to that first part of this presentation where I was talking about the three points of time to foucs on.

When you look at the conversation in your head that your ex is going to have it’s really going to focus everything that happened before the breakup.

I’ll give you an example, let’s say that you are trying to get me back.

We go on a date.

Things go really great.

I say I’m or make some statement to you like,

Have you ever thought about getting back together?

This of course opens the gates for you to to try your commitment speech out.

I eventually decide, yes I’m interested in getting back together with you.

Then three days later I message you saying I don’t think this is going to work out.

What happened?

Throughout those three days I’ve had time to sit and consider what actually has happened. I’ve thought back to how things were before the breakup.

What was that first relationship like?

I remember that you were super naggy. I also remembered that you kept flirting with other men and it made me extremely jealous and I don’t want to go through that again. The more I thought the more the kernel of the idea grew in my head and the more unattractive you became until eventually my internal conversation or the internal narrative that I’m having talked myself out of being with you permanently.

15 thoughts on “Do Exes Always Come Back?”

  1. Maa

    November 20, 2018 at 12:30 am

    I am far older than he is,the relationship actually started as mum-son relationship, my husband and I separated he asked me to move into his house,one thing led to another and within 3 months we were having an affair,then one day we had a disagreement and he brought another lady home I was so furious and moved out of his house with every single thing I brought into his house,which led to a break up 2 days after that I regretted my action came back and begged him but he refused so I went away,after 2 months he came back begging I accepted him and after 2 weeks we disagreed again because of another lady which he brought home again,claiming she was a friend(I had paid the house rent)again We didn’t talk for 2 weeks after which I contacted him again,he flared up and said all kinds of things he now asked me to tell him what I wanted from him so he could think if it is something he can give me.as I didn’t want to lose him I asked him for friendship, 2 weeks later he called me one day and requested we went to the park,I agreed and prepared all that was needed for the outingb at the last minute he called and cancelled the outing I was so so furious at his action that I took pictures of all the prepared food sent then to him on wataspp with a note that it was over between us,he called back but I didn’t pick his call ,he sent a message that I never trust him and he is sure I think he cancelled the date because of a lady and that I don’t trust him meanwhile the cancellation was due to official assignment, I didn’t respond.2weeks after that incidence was his dads burial which I went and met him with another lady again,he later sent me a message that he was going to marry this lady and he has moved on,that he can’t marry me because I am too old for him.Since then I have blocked him on all social media but I still love him so much,he is a good man,I think I over reacted in some instance do you think I still have a chance of getting him back?

  2. Tina

    October 8, 2018 at 9:58 am

    Hi Chris. So I contacted my friends with benefits after no contact three weeks ago. Remember I called him with no caller ID as he had me blocked from everything. He was friendly and only spoke for 1 minute. It’s been three weeks now and you told me to wait until he initiates but he hasn’t unblocked me or he hasn’t contacted me either – so what do I do now?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 9, 2018 at 12:45 am

      So Tina, my advice is to follow the ex recovery plan I use in my program. It seems you are getting close to reaching out and employing the 3 step method. Do you have one of my books as I lay it all out there?

  3. Frederick

    September 21, 2018 at 10:22 pm

    My girlfriend left me for her male bestfriend who she knew before she met me, she chose him and broke up with me in the process and this happened 2months ago. it was quite obvious she had been traveling to meet the guy while keeping me in the dark about it and at some point in our relationship, she said to stop having sex and started hiding her phone from me.

    Though I was quite selfish when it came to sex, because I was too into her and didn’t care about other girls and never thought of cheating not even once. I didn’t want to lose her so easily so it was hard to believe she could choose someone else over me, however she also left a certain guy for me but that was because he also wanted to end the relationship with her.

    After I found out she was already dating this best friend of hers, I was devastated and went out of control, I went crazy and at some point she said she was going to call the dude and tell her she was no longer interested but all that changed the next morning when she told me she chose him over me. we tried to go on as friends but I was always talking to her about getting back together and always asked her if she already asked sex with the guy but she said she didn’t but she can’t promise me she won’t. She later traveled to meet the guy and since I was still in touch with her, I couldn’t take it and kept calling her phone knowing well she was with the guy at his place in another state and things went south quickly and I got a text from her saying I spoiled her relationship for her which made me very sad and later she texted that I should never call her again and that day was August 5th, and she blocked me on whatsapp, this made my pain greater.

    I respected her wish and didn’t call her but about two weeks ago, 36days after she strictly told me never to call her again, she called me and I was surprised. we later spoke as I called her back after consulting some friends of mine and she said she just wanted to check on me, then she asked where I was and we spoke for almost 2 minutes after which I told her to stay safe and take care and hung up… i checked my whatsapp and im still blocked.

    It’s been 2 months and I still love and miss her. please what do I do?!, will she ever contact me again? or is that the end of us forever?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 21, 2018 at 11:39 pm

      Hi Frederick.

      It looks like you have an opening to resume some contact. Consider the texting strategy (See Texting Bible eBook I wrote) that allows you to slowly rebuild teh connection. You need to have a solid ex recovery plan for your healing and your own tactics to get her back.

  4. Aiman

    September 11, 2018 at 5:44 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me almost a month ago and blocked me from everywhere…..I begged him a lot..he gave me a mixed single of being hot and cold..I love him a lot…what can I do???

  5. Victoria

    September 8, 2018 at 1:24 am

    Hi Chris. I’m hoping you can help because I’m at a total loss. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 4 years. He is in the military and we moved together across the country and now live together. It’s been a very bumpy year since getting here for us as individuals and as a couple…learning to live together, moving so far from friends/family, him starting a new high stress job, me trying desperately to find a job, and he’s been gone over half of our time here. We love each other very much and always communicate about what’s going on in our heads. A few times we’ve come close to a breakup (its always him initiating) but after talking, he opens up about feelings and things turn out okay. He is currently on his first deployment in his new position and our first deployment as a couple. He has been gone for a few months and gets home in 2 weeks. We’ve had some ups and downs over this deployment (he doesn’t drink much it has been partying till the wee hours every weekend and ignoring me) but we always talk through it and move forward. Last weekend he went on a weekend vacation with his team (still deployed) and before leaving he reassured me that he would be “respectful of everything, wasn’t going to drink much, and would talk to me the whole time.” After the first night I didn’t hear from him all weekend. At the end of the weekend, I said I deserved an explanation and that I was confused. He got back saying he felt guilty for drinking so much on the first night and “can’t deal with doing this right now” …I told him okay. Take some time. I’ll give you space. Two days later he texts saying he’s sorry for leaving me in the dark, that he is scared to face the reality that he doesn’t know what to say and feels bad handling things like this over text and overseas, but that the way he’s been feeling about our relationship off and on for a while isn’t fair to me and not good for either of us. I told him this is a hard phase of life for both of us, but it sounded like we def needed to have a conversation in person, that I loved him and missed him and to enjoy his final two weeks away and that I’d see him when he got home. I always talk things to death and I can be suffocating, so I’m sure he was shocked that I was kind and not defensive and basically told him I’d back off till he got home. We haven’t spoken since. I’m just wondering if I did the right thing and how to go about the conversation when he gets home. I’m fearful that he will come home having made up his mind and unwilling to talk through things, but his family and I agree that he’s going through something and this is him trying to control his life that he feels like is out of control. How can i ensure that he is open to conversation? How can I create the beat possible chance for us to work through this and talk it out? I just don’t think determining the fate of a relationship when you haven’t seen someone in months and it’s been a rough few months is the thing to do.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 9, 2018 at 5:36 am

      Hi Victoria!

      4 years is a good amount of time and those roots you laid down can help pull you back towards each other given the right ex recovery plan. The important part of that plan is to embrace the things you need to do to heal from some of the pain and uncertainty he has put you through. The future is always moving with possibilities. You can’t control them all. But you can reach out find your emotional center and sense of empowerment. You can embrace activities that helps you feel more in control and empowered….more balanced. It is in that state of mind that you will be in a better position to talk to him and hopefully work toward a plan you both can embrace to get the relationship back on track when that time comes and it will come. It is unlikely that he will just chunk everything to the side without being open to discussing things with you.

  6. Jaq

    September 6, 2018 at 6:00 am

    Hello!
    My boyfriend and I broke up a week ago and I have implemented NC. We were together for two years.
    There was a lot of fighting in the last few months even tho good moments still happened. He states that he wants to be alone because he thinks we’ve been through much.
    However, he said to my sister that “he doesnt close Doors to the future” and he keeps checking my work schedule on a sharing app that we both have.
    What could this mean?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 7, 2018 at 4:09 am

      Hi Jaq!

      I know things are new and feelings are raw. Obviously he is thinking of you. Give it some more time….quiet time for each of you. A little no contact might get you both really far and allow you both to realize each others value. Picking up my eBook is the fastest way to get up to speed on this whole post breakup period and action planning.

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 7, 2018 at 4:09 am

      Hi Jaq!

      I know things are new and feelings are raw. Obviously he is thinking of you. Give it some more time….quiet time for each of you. A little no contact might get you both really far and allow you both to realize each others value. Picking up my eBook is the fastest way to get up to speed on this whole post breakup period and action planning.

  7. Tammy

    September 5, 2018 at 10:26 pm

    Hey Chris. We’ve spoke on here before, but to recap: dated my ex for a couple months, we weren’t exclusive, found out he slept with someone else and he gave me a UTI and we broke up. I tried to get back together with him during the summer, he said it didn’t feel right, he said we should be apart for a month (in June) and if we changed our minds we could talk. A month later I asked him he wanted to grab lunch, it went well. Then a month later we had lunch again and it went well. I asked him if he wanted to grab drinks and he said it wasn’t the best idea. He then said we he wasn’t sure we should keep hanging out because we’re not dating and we were never really just friends. I tried to tell him I was over it and that we’re looking for different things. I asked him if he wanted to talk more about it and he said not today. Then over the labor day weekend I tried to talk to him and see if we could still grab lunches. He finally said, (after I admittedly was being a text gnat and let my anxiety get to me), that this seemed like too much and that he didn’t see a place for us to date or even friends. I said okay, I appreciate your honesty, you deserve to be happy. The next morning I texted asking if we could chat on the phone because I had some things I hadn’t had a chance to express. He hasn’t spoken to me since.. I feel embarrassed and upset. What can I do? I’ve dated other guys since him, but they’re not him. I cried for two days. Is it worth it to do no contact again (last time was technically June when he told us to be apart), and ask to grab a coffee in a month or have I lost him for good?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 6, 2018 at 3:55 am

      Hi Tammy…probably best to employ no contact when he behaves likes this. It will give you time to heal and decide if you want him in your life.

  8. Maddy

    September 3, 2018 at 1:21 am

    I have a question about dating while you’re in NC… a guy I’ve always thought was cute recently asked me out. I mean there is no guarantee my ex will want me back and frankly, I think it would be good for me to start going on dates again.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 3, 2018 at 3:58 am

      Hi Maddy!

      In most cases, it is a good thing to go out again. Just take it slow.

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